you will never know the hour of mitt romney assassinating you

Fifteen Percent Of Ohio Republicans: Mitt Romney Killed Bin Laden

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

romney, right after he tore out bin laden's heartPublic Policy Polling polled pretty publicly, preferring poignant probes pertaining to…Ohio. They asked a question during that polling – namely, who was more responsible for Osama bin Laden’s death: Barack Obama or Mitt Romney?

Fifteen percent of Ohio Republicans said Mitt Romney.

In what some (my colleague Tim Murphy) have called “the greatest thing ever,” a full 15 percent of Ohio Republicans surveyed said Romney deserved more credit than the president. Another 47 percent said they were “unsure.”

….Well, then.

There is only one proper response to this finding, which is our announcement that we will shortly be selling “Mitt Romney: History’s Greatest Warrior” figures, which will include, among other things:

  1. Mitt Romney leading his elephant army against the Roman Empire.
  2. Mitt Romney singlehandedly stopping the Trail of Tears by turning it into the Trail of Hugs and Lemonade. (“Lemon. Wet. No Genocide.”)
  3. Mitt Romney stabbing Adolf Hitler through the sternum with his limited edition plasma time lance. (First 500 orders only, all further orders get regular steel lance standard with all Romney figures.)

You can reserve today by sending Wonkette $99.99 plus $5.95 S & H!

[Mother Jones]

Sponsored Intermission


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • FlownOver

    "It's the stupid, Stupid!"



  • YouBetcha

    Your move, Florida.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    The dirty truth finally comes out: Mitt Romney's fortune is funding our outsourced military.

  • actor212

    Mitt Romney crossed the Delaware in his Caymans-registered yacht, "Cracker Baby", and beat the Hessians at polo.

    • chicken_thief

      The Delaware was just the right depth.

    • DaveJ

      Point of clarification, if you don't mind: Romney FUNDED THE POLO TEAM that beat the Hessians. He would never be so gauche as to play polo himself. I mean, really, now.

      • actor212

        Yes, of course. I was reading a revisionist history, of course.

      • sullivanst

        He longed in many respects to actually be on the field and be representing the team there, and in some ways it was frustrating not to feel like he was there as part of the team that was playing polo.

        • actor212

          Except it was Ann's horse, so he went back to England.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I liked that time when Romney rode up on Rafalca and singlehandedly stopped the Bataan death march, saving all those American GIs.

      Or so my Republican great-uncle in Ohio remembers it.

      • actor212

        Or that time he rode Shadowfax to the hill overlooking Helm's Deep…

        Romney the White.

        • GunToting[Redacted]

          "On the first light of the fifth day after the RNC… Look to the east."

        • YasserArraFeck

          Romney the Whitest vs Barack Sauron Obama

    • Negropolis

      Man, I thought he defeated the Haitians after crossing the Rubicon.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Freed the whites

  • mrpuma2u

    Well duh, cuz Hussein Jihad Obummer was giving Osama a free pass by not looking for him. Oh wait wasn't that the yokel ex-rangers owner? It's so hard this dealing with facts.

    • Designer_Rants

      "Hussein Jihad Obummer" — that's awesome.

      • mrpuma2u

        Aw shucks, thank you!

  • ChernobylSoup

    This comment was never posted because the user is at a loss for words.

    • Callyson

      Yeah, what you said…

    • actor212

      If only that fifteen percent answered in the same way.

      • mrpuma2u

        Sadly those kinda tards are never at loss for words. They are just at loss for meaningful thoughts behind them. To parphrase David Byrne "They're talkin' alot, but they ain't saying nothin'"

        • Chet Kincaid_
          • actor212

            The original reference was to this

          • Chet Kincaid_

            15% of Ohio Republicans think "Psycho Killer" is funkier.

          • angelfoot

            This should make everyone happy.

          • mrpuma2u

            Hey mad props to the Godfather of Soul, but I was in fact talking about alpha nerds with art degrees run amok, the Talking Heads.

          • Chet Kincaid_

            The funkiest of art school nerds, indeed! I saw them on the tour from which "Stop Making Sense" was made, it was a funk steamroller.

    • belmontreport

      I would like to follow that up with a… umm. Oh! Uhhh… no. What?

    • SmutBoffin

      They should have asked a follow-up question like "HOW did Romney kill Bin Laden?" and listed the results in order of stupidity.

      1) Like Patrick Swayze in Road House.
      2) Laser eyes and a hang glider.
      3) With tax cuts.
      4) GPS-guided tactical Paul Ryan.
      5) Boredom.
      6) His personal army of Mormon ninjas.

      • Chet Kincaid_

        I like number 6. Do you think the Fruit Of Moroni could defeat the Fruit Of Islam in battle?

        • bikerlaureate

          And no one posted a Fruit Of The Loom magic underwear reference in response? I has disappoint.

      • HistoriCat

        I'm guessing that Mormons would even find a way to make ninjas boring and lame.

    • Maman

      As am I.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I'm sorry Ohio, but I will never be visiting you. I don't want to get this apparent virus.

    • kittensdontlie

      Don't fret, the poll included many undead who had been posthumously baptized Mormon, which puts a bias in the numbers. So viruses, no….zombies, yes.

    • OneYieldRegular

      There's a shop here in SF in the Castro that sells a t-shirt reading: "Friends don't let friends live in Ohio."

    • walterhwhite

      Yes, the I haz a stoopids virus.

    • YasserArraFeck

      I'm about 25 miles from the OH state line – when the wind blows from the west, I can feel myself getting stupider….and….stoopidder…….and…….uh……ROMNEY/RYAN 2012!!!


      • viennawoods13

        I'm right across Lake Erie. Too close!

  • chicken_thief

    When Mitt Romney needs backup, he calls on Chuck Norris.

    But Mitt Romney never needs backup.

    • Callyson

      Now that you mention it…oh, to have been a fly on the wall when Chuck Norris watched Clint Eastwood & The Empty Chair…

    • Fare la Volpe

      Because he never goes out on the front lines.

    • Nowisallthereis

      Don't forget Ted "Poopypants" Nugent

  • Callyson

    Hahahahaha, Romney can't even beat Bigfoot:

    More than a quarter of Americans believe in Bigfoot, a recent poll found. They claim this legendary bipedal ape, a "long lost relative" of humans, evades detection in remote woodland areas. Although it may seem strange to think a 7-foot-tall land mammal could go unnoticed for so long, the notion is actually widespread.

    • zumpie

      Hey, at least Bigfoot's kinda cool. Also, too, I live in the Pacific NW and this IS part our tourism scheme

      • Lascauxcaveman

        And they're actually a lot more fun than mopey teenage vampires.

        Pit any Jack Links commercial against any Twilight series movie, and you'll agree with me.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        We just got back from 10 days in the PNW and the wife and I were surprised to see Forks on the weather map.

      • YasserArraFeck

        Hey wait – I read that Bigfoot was run over a few weeks ago!!

    • deanbooth

      Dick Morris's dream date!

    • DaveJ

      It would be interesting to know the % of Americans who do believe in bigfoot, yet who do not believe in evolution. I imagine the Venn diagram for that looks like one circle.

      • YasserArraFeck

        Duh, the reason Bigfoot wanders around in the woods, all grumpy-like, is that Mrs Bigfoot missed the Ark and drownded – don't you know nuthin"?

    • azeyote

      sounds more like a discription of romney

    • PennyDreadful

      If someone asked me, I would probably tell them I believe in Bigfoot.

  • jonmc6

    What is wrong with you people! Mitt killed him retroactively! Do I have to point out everything?

  • JustPixelz

    And Mitt — not Tom Hanks — saved Private Ryan

    • actor212

      Well, he certainly saved Privatized Ryan from serving in Congress again

  • keepwalkin

    That view of Willard is what Ann must see when she blahs his blah!

    • Isyaignert

      Do you really think Ayn blahs Mitten's blah, because I don't.

      • keepwalkin

        Yes, but while fantasizing about Oblahblah!!

    • peaceocrap

      Thank you. Now I will never have blah again.

      • Isyaignert

        You're welcome!

  • SmutBoffin

    Well, yeah. RETROACTIVELY.

  • RRoccoco

    Seal Team 6 made Osama watch dvd's of Romney in his mom jeans making fun of the poors, and Osama laughed himself to death? I think the Pentagon will send out drones to kill anyone who reveals this secret information. So I didn't just write it.

    But it does fit the pattern of retroactive achievments on Romney's resume: saved the auto industry; lived in Massachusetts long enough to run for governor; paid all taxes legally owed; would have loved to have saved Viet Nam from Communism, but had to save France from wine and cafe au lait first.

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    15% of Ohio Republicans also believe Obama faked the moon landing, and or is a Kenyan Sasquatch Manchurian Candidate who landed on the UFO at Roswell

    • RedneckMuslin

      15% of Ohio Republicans are incorrect 90% of the time.

      • FlownOver

        So, 105%?


  • SayItWithWookies

    And he's not all braggy about it either, like some presidents.

  • actor212

    I guess Romney got hold of that SooperSekrit Time machine that the President used to alter his birth certificate from Keyna…

    • zumpie

      Oh Obama didn't use a time machine, silly! He just knew he'd be president and faked them while he was an infant. DUH!!!

    • Isyaignert

      … and put the two birth notices in the Hawaii newspapers.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Some of his best friends may own private armies, but dude's unemployed. In what realm, a 'title' if you will, would Mitt have the power to pull this off?

  • fredbell

    Thank God Rmoney's political strategists are too dumb to have figured out that they can flood the Ohio TV market with "Rmoney Killed Bid Laden" ads and get away with it…Until Bill Clinton gives another speech , of course….

  • chicken_thief

    In defence of Ohians, who can remember the name of that French bitch that bit the windshield?

  • CivicHoliday

    Mitt Romney tore down the Berlin Wall. With his magic underpants.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    All of the smart people moved out of Ohio a long time ago.

    • LibertyLover

      I have relatives that live in Ohio…. oh wait….

    • walterhwhite

      Yes, they're now living in Kansas, which gives you some idea of how smart the smart people of Ohio are.

    • azeyote

      long long time ago

  • SaintRond

    This is just like selling Jackalope tags in Montana. Starts right after Rabbit Season. Only $999.00.

  • Mojopo

    He has The Great Pumpkin on Skype, too.

    • zumpie

      And Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Pooh

  • no_gravity


    Karl Rove – Mission accomplished.

  • Arkoday

    No skid-marks on THOSE magic underwear.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Willard was the original drummer for the Beatles.

  • MLHencken

    Everyone get on board the Romneytron Rocket 2000!

    Next stop: Kolob.

  • emmelemm

    God damn America.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Did Mitt cut Osama's hair first?

  • mr bojangles

    phuque y'all….i killed bin laden!!!!!

  • ManchuCandidate

    Mittens bored him to death.

  • johnnyzhivago

    Ok, but 32% of Ohio Republicans think JR killed Bin Laden

    • zumpie

      Hey, Larry Hagman rocks! Willard isn't fit to shine Larry or JR's shoes.

      • finallyhappy

        Saw him 2 years ago and the guy was great- of course, Barbara Eden looked incredible- but I think she had "some" work done. This predates Dallas(for you young uns who have no idea of what we are talking about- look it up)

  • SorosBot

    When Willard Romney traveled in time to the year 3010, he fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again; and when Willard Romney built the pyramids, he beat up Kublai Khan, 'cause Willard Romney doesn't take shit from anybody,

    • Urban_Achiever

      Don't forget fighting the gizzly bears, using his magical fire breath

    • jqheywood

      Is he the honey-badger?

      • Gleem McShineys

        Money Badger don't give a fuck!

        (hat tip to …someone else around here on Wonkette who I borrowed this from. I'll retroactively baptize them later.)

    • tejanojim

      No Willard those chicken wings are really spicy! Don't eat those!

    • doloras

      … now I'll make dirty love to you
      'Cause that's what Willard Romney wouldn't do.

  • Come here a minute

    Mitt Romney also let a black kid touch his hair.

  • Isyaignert

    Oye 'effin' vay Republicons are stupid!

  • sbj1964

    15 percent,That's nothing 84 percent of people in Alabama think Jesus killed Bin Laden.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Mitt's just a regular Forest Gump, isn't he? Run Forest, run!

  • weejee

    37% of the folks in Ohio don't like golf…

    ♪♫ Fore dread in Oh-hi-oh ♫♪

    • actor212

      I always wanted to hold a reggae poetry slam in Akron, just so I could advertise "Flow Dread in Ohio"

  • Wadisay

    Now that Joseph Goebbels is a baptized Mormon, I suppose he's working overtime on getting the Repubs to buy into nonsense like this.

  • Mahousu

    True fact: Mitt Romney is the first presidential candidate since Adlai Stevenson to have killed someone outside of wartime.

    • actor212

      Is that the guy he shot in Reno, just to watch him die?

    • Negropolis

      Nope, 'cause everyone knows that Bill Clinton did in Vince Foster. So, no dice.

  • TheGyrus

    15% of Republicans like to fuck with pollsters. Those things are getting less and less accurate every day.

    • JerkCade

      Just thinking the same thing. If anyone ever called to poll me about anything, I would very deliberately give the worst answers I could think of on the spot. Just on principle.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      And there's your acceptable margin of error, these days.

    • bobbert

      This was,perhaps, an excessively playful question. I suspect they'd have gotten similar results if the choices were President Obama and Bigfoot.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I can see why you might want to slip in this question … it tells you which responses to throw out, so you can report results "among likely voters with functioning brains."
      Then again, ignoring an important fraction of the GOP's base would make your results less accurate.

  • zumpie

    So did Mittens do this when Bain took over the Taliban, outsourced it and sucked it dry? Or did he just put Bin Laden on his car roof?

  • FlownOver

    Great photo, though. Looks like somebody just told Mitt "K-Mart sucks."

  • MacRaith

    Let's take a step back from the amazing stupidity of those answers and ponder the stupidity of the question in the first place. I mean, it's either the stupidest or the most brilliant question ever asked. Possibly both at the same time.

    • emmelemm

      You have a point.

  • slowhansolo

    15% is actually a fairly low proportion of fucking idiots in any given sample.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Particularly a sample of Ohio Republicans, but still, this makes up for it in the severity of the stupid.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    27% think Mitt took The Browns to Baltimore.

    • actor212

      That might explain why Ohio is actually tighter than it should be.

      • Blueb4sinrise

        Watched a little football yesterday evening. Costas talked about Modell at half-time…."he made a TV deal, he hired Ozzie as GM…. someday Browns fans will get over it……"
        I'll bet his twitter and email are filled with goodwill wishes today.

    • Chet Kincaid_

      Beat me to it!

      • Blueb4sinrise

        Ya know, just for the hell of it ………. a quick search did not reveal any connection between Modell and Bain.

    • Negropolis

      I think British took The Browns to Baltimore…

  • mosaickmind

    It may sound shocking, but 15% don't know who the President is. The margin of error in polling should be 15% because of the stupidity factor.

  • actor212

    Fifteen percent of Ohioans believe Mitt was crucified by Pontius Pilate.

    • T3rbo

      I thought that was Christmas, what were crucified by Librl Media?

    • vtxmcrider

      And 70% of Ohioans believe the guy's last name is Pilot.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    It's nothing when you consider 100% of Republicans polled said they believe Jesus rode a dinosaur.

  • TootsStansbury

    Are we sure it was Republicans being interviewed and not something else that starts with R-e? Is there a difference?

  • imissopus

    I would like to believe that those Ohioans responded that way because it was such an unbelievably dumb fucking question and they just wanted to mess with the pollsters. Please do not make me any more disillusioned.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I bet, 100% of Wonketteers think Mitt Romney is fucking a chicken.

    • walterhwhite

      No, but I think he's a fucking chicken

    • finallyhappy

      I think the one time I read those Penthouse letters, it was seagulls

    • AbandonHope_

      A chicken is way too high-class.

  • actor212

    Fifteen percent of Ohioans believe Mitt Romney could turn the world on with his smile.

  • mrblifil

    He crushed him with a car elevator?

  • Arkoday

    Spent much time in Cinty at one point and met many intelligent people. So, WTF is with this, Ohio? 62% of you??? I thought stupid started a lot further Sou…huh? What's that, Michele? I see. OK. Never mind…

    • pdiddycornchips

      There are parts of Ohio so backward they make the Swamp People look like a meeting of the Trilateral Commission.

  • proudgrampa

    Jesus Fucking Christ. These people vote.

    • Abernathy

      To be fair, their machines vote for them.

      • proudgrampa

        You know, I never thought of it like that!

    • pdiddycornchips

      They not only vote, they are usually one of a handful of states that decide Presidential elections. Comforting isn't it?

  • kittensdontlie

    After God created all of the people, he turned to our Lord Mittens to create all the jobs, and kill BL.

  • Abernathy

    The most shocking finding is that 38% of Ohio Republicans aren't stupid enough to believe it.

  • Chichikovovich

    I thought it was Urban Meyer that killed Bin Laden.

    • Chet Kincaid_

      That is an Urban Legend.

  • Fare la Volpe

    What's the literacy rate in Ohio? About 85%? Sounds about right.

    • walterhwhite

      Sounds high

  • no_gravity

    Mittens wore his Michigan State Trooper's uniform when he took him out.

  • mustangsavvy

    "In what some have called “the greatest thing ever", a full 15 percent of Ohio Republicans were found to be complete and utter fuckwits. The remaining 47% were unsure that they even knew how to pee, let alone answer complicated questions from pollsters."

  • ChillBill

    The remaining 85% believes that Mitt baptized Bin Laden.

    • SpeedoFart

      So THAT'S why they threw him off a boat!

      • Isyaignert

        Oh YOU!!

  • Chet Kincaid_

    Maybe we can convince the dumbasses that Mitt Romney was more responsible for the Browns turning into the Ravens than Art Modell, and more responsible for LeBron's Reverse Underground Railroad escape to Miami than Pat Riley.

  • barto

    Of course that same 15% has no freakin clue as to who Bin Laden was, they just understand that Rmoney is basically a murderer.

  • mavenmaven

    Because Mitt Romney= lead. He's as charismatic as a spent bullet, and it was bullets that killed Bin Laden.

  • LibertyLover

    That 15% of Ohioans doesn't know who Osama Bin Laden actually is. But they think Mitt killed him.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Fifteen percent of Ohioans believe that Mittens built a blimp and fought the Nazis!

  • RadioX


  • OneYieldRegular

    How many minutes until the Romney campaign issues a press release in Ohio highlighting Romney's leadership in the operation that took out Bin Laden?

  • Baconzgood

    Stupid ohioans are people too my friend

  • John O

    I can't believe it wasn't 27%.

  • Lazy Media

    Was it over when Mitt Romney bombed Pearl Harbor?

  • ColHeightsChic

    It was actually 6%,… but that doesn't make me ANY LESS PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN. USA USA USA. TEAM AMERICA FUCK YEAH.

    • HogeyeGrex

      6% overall. Read the crosstabs. Search "Laden" in the pdf.

      Oh, and pull the comma out of the end of your tag.

      What's yet more fucked up is that 47%, the plurality of Repubs answered "unsure". So they're not quite stupid enough to just spout "My guy did it! USA! USA!" but can't bring themselves to credit Obama for anything.

      • ColHeightsChic

        Ah crap, does this make me as stoopid as the rest of Amrika? Although, the fact that 6% of all Americans answered that way is fucking terrifying. Perhaps the follow-up question should have been: Do you watch anything other than Fox News?

  • LibrarianX

    Was Forrest Fucking Gump from Ohio?

  • GeorgiaBurning

    In Arizona, 15% think Sheriff Joe Arpaio killed Obama.. Jan Brewer is jealous

  • Chet Kincaid_

    15% of Ohio Republicans think Mitt Romney sang lead on the Ohio Players' "Skintight".

  • DahBoner


    Did they ask that 15% a follow-up question?

    "Which planet do you live on?"

  • BlueStateLibel

    Duh, Mitt Romney killed bin Laden with the death lasers ATTACHED TO HIS HEAD.

  • walterhwhite

    That picture of Mitt looks like someone stuck an electrical appliance up his butt.

    • Gleem McShineys

      Mitt Romney IS an electrical appliance.

  • HogeyeGrex


  • Terry

    Ohio: Mississippi with snow and worse food.

  • T3rbo

    This just means that 15% of those polled didn't have enough integrity to say "Hell, I have no fucking idea what you are talking about at all. Next question?"

  • Groupshrug

    Can someone please update Mitt's Wikipedia page? Have it note that despite not holding public office since 2007, suggesting that it wasn't worth moving Heaven and Earth to find Bin Laden and having zero foreign policy experience, Mitt Romney is largely* credited with killing Osama Bin Laden.

    • Isyaignert

      And he gives himself a lot of credit for saving Detroit after he said to let it go bankrupt. What the fuk planet is this guy on? Oh yeah, Kolob.

  • 102415

    Same 15% who think Mitt is already President.

  • Antispandex

    4. Shooting that closet commie from the grassy knoll before he could turn the country over to the Viet Cong.

  • HogeyeGrex

    15% of Ohio Republicans think their penis is longer than 3".

    • unclejeems

      Judging by Ann Coulter, those are the Republican women.

  • HogeyeGrex

    No. 47% said "unsure" which includes the vanishingly small number who really didn't know as well as all the fuckwits who just can't say anything positive about Obama.

    47 fucking %

    That leaves 38% of Ohio Republicans with some tenuous thread connecting them to reality. More than I would have thought, I guess, but damn.

  • Bezoar

    Oh great, but if I suggest that half of our citizens are too stupid to be allowed to vote, somebody's sure to write "Say, you know who else thought his citizens were too stupid to be allowed to vote?" and I don't think I would like the comparison. Sheesh.

  • ttommyunger

    Oh thanks for giving Gov. Nathan "Let's Make a Deal" Deal bragging rights. Only 14% of Georgians believe this.

  • Steverino247

    It's polls like this that make me think there needs to be Literacy Tests for white Republicans…

  • Pap Finn

    This does wonders for my confidence in Americans' fitness for self-government.

  • keinsignal

    So now we have actual data on precisely how many people you can fool all of the time.

  • littlebigdaddy


  • a_pink_poodle

    Mitt Romney personally slew the entire British army with the claymore of William Wallace in the battle of Wounded Knee during WW2. By his side were Ronald Reagan and whoever is politically convenient at the telling of this comment, saving him from a surprise ambush of Japanese kamikaze fighters.

  • glamourdammerung

    Normal people do not look down on Republicans simply because they have different opinions like the Republicans claim. They look down on them because they think these opinions are facts and well, because they have really, really stupid opinions.

  • azeyote

    i bet if you took a survey of the same people the pecentage of people that think there's an actual – man in the moon – would be higher.

  • vtxmcrider

    That picture can be used again when Mittens gets caught in the whirlwind of defeat.

  • Barrelhse

    Nice country.
    Is everybody that stupid?

  • Attila_T_Hun

    I'm from Ohio. Hogs and corn and dipshits as far as the eye could see.
    I fled that state as soon as I could.

  • Negropolis

    Sorry, Buckeyes, but you've just been demoted back to territory status, and your new name is "East Indiana" or "Western West Virginia." Your choice.

  • Negropolis

    If they are stupid enough to believe that Romney killed Osama, maybe the Obama campaign can counter with the propoganda that "Mitt Romney did 9/11." Just sayin''…

  • Pete_DuKane

    Mitt Romney killed Osama Bin Laden in his pajamas. How OBL got in them is your guess!

  • wolvenwood13

    "we will shortly be selling “Mitt Romney: History’s Greatest Warrior” figures, which will include, among other things…"

    You forgot to add George W. Bush in his flight suit with bulging package and the Mission Accomplished banner with him. What exactly he accomplished is anyone's guess.

  • wolvenwood13

    At least we'll know who to blame if Romney wins.