you will never know the hour of mitt romney assassinating you

Fifteen Percent Of Ohio Republicans: Mitt Romney Killed Bin Laden

romney, right after he tore out bin laden's heartPublic Policy Polling polled pretty publicly, preferring poignant probes pertaining to…Ohio. They asked a question during that polling – namely, who was more responsible for Osama bin Laden’s death: Barack Obama or Mitt Romney?

Fifteen percent of Ohio Republicans said Mitt Romney.

In what some (my colleague Tim Murphy) have called “the greatest thing ever,” a full 15 percent of Ohio Republicans surveyed said Romney deserved more credit than the president. Another 47 percent said they were “unsure.”

….Well, then.

There is only one proper response to this finding, which is our announcement that we will shortly be selling “Mitt Romney: History’s Greatest Warrior” figures, which will include, among other things:

  1. Mitt Romney leading his elephant army against the Roman Empire.
  2. Mitt Romney singlehandedly stopping the Trail of Tears by turning it into the Trail of Hugs and Lemonade. (“Lemon. Wet. No Genocide.”)
  3. Mitt Romney stabbing Adolf Hitler through the sternum with his limited edition plasma time lance. (First 500 orders only, all further orders get regular steel lance standard with all Romney figures.)

You can reserve today by sending Wonkette $99.99 plus $5.95 S & H!

[Mother Jones]

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206 comments

    1. DaveJ

      Point of clarification, if you don't mind: Romney FUNDED THE POLO TEAM that beat the Hessians. He would never be so gauche as to play polo himself. I mean, really, now.

      1. sullivanst

        He longed in many respects to actually be on the field and be representing the team there, and in some ways it was frustrating not to feel like he was there as part of the team that was playing polo.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      I liked that time when Romney rode up on Rafalca and singlehandedly stopped the Bataan death march, saving all those American GIs.

      Or so my Republican great-uncle in Ohio remembers it.

  1. mrpuma2u

    Well duh, cuz Hussein Jihad Obummer was giving Osama a free pass by not looking for him. Oh wait wasn't that the yokel ex-rangers owner? It's so hard this dealing with facts.

      1. mrpuma2u

        Sadly those kinda tards are never at loss for words. They are just at loss for meaningful thoughts behind them. To parphrase David Byrne "They're talkin' alot, but they ain't saying nothin'"

          1. mrpuma2u

            Hey mad props to the Godfather of Soul, but I was in fact talking about alpha nerds with art degrees run amok, the Talking Heads.

    1. SmutBoffin

      They should have asked a follow-up question like "HOW did Romney kill Bin Laden?" and listed the results in order of stupidity.

      1) Like Patrick Swayze in Road House.
      2) Laser eyes and a hang glider.
      3) With tax cuts.
      4) GPS-guided tactical Paul Ryan.
      5) Boredom.
      6) His personal army of Mormon ninjas.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Don't fret, the poll included many undead who had been posthumously baptized Mormon, which puts a bias in the numbers. So viruses, no….zombies, yes.

    2. OneYieldRegular

      There's a shop here in SF in the Castro that sells a t-shirt reading: "Friends don't let friends live in Ohio."

    3. YasserArraFeck

      I'm about 25 miles from the OH state line – when the wind blows from the west, I can feel myself getting stupider….and….stoopidder…….and…….uh……ROMNEY/RYAN 2012!!!

      Youbetcha

    1. Callyson

      Now that you mention it…oh, to have been a fly on the wall when Chuck Norris watched Clint Eastwood & The Empty Chair…

  2. Callyson

    Hahahahaha, Romney can't even beat Bigfoot:

    More than a quarter of Americans believe in Bigfoot, a recent poll found. They claim this legendary bipedal ape, a "long lost relative" of humans, evades detection in remote woodland areas. Although it may seem strange to think a 7-foot-tall land mammal could go unnoticed for so long, the notion is actually widespread.

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/47922748/ns/technolog

    1. zumpie

      Hey, at least Bigfoot's kinda cool. Also, too, I live in the Pacific NW and this IS part our tourism scheme

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        And they're actually a lot more fun than mopey teenage vampires.

        Pit any Jack Links commercial against any Twilight series movie, and you'll agree with me.

      2. GunToting[Redacted]

        We just got back from 10 days in the PNW and the wife and I were surprised to see Forks on the weather map.

    2. DaveJ

      It would be interesting to know the % of Americans who do believe in bigfoot, yet who do not believe in evolution. I imagine the Venn diagram for that looks like one circle.

      1. YasserArraFeck

        Duh, the reason Bigfoot wanders around in the woods, all grumpy-like, is that Mrs Bigfoot missed the Ark and drownded – don't you know nuthin"?

  3. RRoccoco

    Seal Team 6 made Osama watch dvd's of Romney in his mom jeans making fun of the poors, and Osama laughed himself to death? I think the Pentagon will send out drones to kill anyone who reveals this secret information. So I didn't just write it.

    But it does fit the pattern of retroactive achievments on Romney's resume: saved the auto industry; lived in Massachusetts long enough to run for governor; paid all taxes legally owed; would have loved to have saved Viet Nam from Communism, but had to save France from wine and cafe au lait first.

    1. zumpie

      Oh Obama didn't use a time machine, silly! He just knew he'd be president and faked them while he was an infant. DUH!!!

  4. NorthStarSpanx

    Some of his best friends may own private armies, but dude's unemployed. In what realm, a 'title' if you will, would Mitt have the power to pull this off?

  5. fredbell

    Thank God Rmoney's political strategists are too dumb to have figured out that they can flood the Ohio TV market with "Rmoney Killed Bid Laden" ads and get away with it…Until Bill Clinton gives another speech , of course….

    1. walterhwhite

      Yes, they're now living in Kansas, which gives you some idea of how smart the smart people of Ohio are.

      1. finallyhappy

        Saw him 2 years ago and the guy was great- of course, Barbara Eden looked incredible- but I think she had "some" work done. This predates Dallas(for you young uns who have no idea of what we are talking about- look it up)

  6. SorosBot

    When Willard Romney traveled in time to the year 3010, he fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again; and when Willard Romney built the pyramids, he beat up Kublai Khan, 'cause Willard Romney doesn't take shit from anybody,

      1. Gleem McShineys

        Money Badger don't give a fuck!

        (hat tip to …someone else around here on Wonkette who I borrowed this from. I'll retroactively baptize them later.)

  7. Wadisay

    Now that Joseph Goebbels is a baptized Mormon, I suppose he's working overtime on getting the Repubs to buy into nonsense like this.

  8. Mahousu

    True fact: Mitt Romney is the first presidential candidate since Adlai Stevenson to have killed someone outside of wartime.

  9. TheGyrus

    15% of Republicans like to fuck with pollsters. Those things are getting less and less accurate every day.

    1. JerkCade

      Just thinking the same thing. If anyone ever called to poll me about anything, I would very deliberately give the worst answers I could think of on the spot. Just on principle.

    2. bobbert

      This was,perhaps, an excessively playful question. I suspect they'd have gotten similar results if the choices were President Obama and Bigfoot.

    3. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I can see why you might want to slip in this question … it tells you which responses to throw out, so you can report results "among likely voters with functioning brains."
      Then again, ignoring an important fraction of the GOP's base would make your results less accurate.

  10. zumpie

    So did Mittens do this when Bain took over the Taliban, outsourced it and sucked it dry? Or did he just put Bin Laden on his car roof?

  11. MacRaith

    Let's take a step back from the amazing stupidity of those answers and ponder the stupidity of the question in the first place. I mean, it's either the stupidest or the most brilliant question ever asked. Possibly both at the same time.

    1. HogeyeGrex

      Particularly a sample of Ohio Republicans, but still, this makes up for it in the severity of the stupid.

      1. Blueb4sinrise

        Watched a little football yesterday evening. Costas talked about Modell at half-time…."he made a TV deal, he hired Ozzie as GM…. someday Browns fans will get over it……"
        BWAAAAAAHAHHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
        I'll bet his twitter and email are filled with goodwill wishes today.

      1. Blueb4sinrise

        Ya know, just for the hell of it ………. a quick search did not reveal any connection between Modell and Bain.

  12. mosaickmind

    It may sound shocking, but 15% don't know who the President is. The margin of error in polling should be 15% because of the stupidity factor.

  13. TootsStansbury

    Are we sure it was Republicans being interviewed and not something else that starts with R-e? Is there a difference?

  14. imissopus

    I would like to believe that those Ohioans responded that way because it was such an unbelievably dumb fucking question and they just wanted to mess with the pollsters. Please do not make me any more disillusioned.

  15. Arkoday

    Spent much time in Cinty at one point and met many intelligent people. So, WTF is with this, Ohio? 62% of you??? I thought stupid started a lot further Sou…huh? What's that, Michele? I see. OK. Never mind…

    1. pdiddycornchips

      There are parts of Ohio so backward they make the Swamp People look like a meeting of the Trilateral Commission.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      They not only vote, they are usually one of a handful of states that decide Presidential elections. Comforting isn't it?

  16. kittensdontlie

    After God created all of the people, he turned to our Lord Mittens to create all the jobs, and kill BL.

  17. mustangsavvy

    "In what some have called “the greatest thing ever", a full 15 percent of Ohio Republicans were found to be complete and utter fuckwits. The remaining 47% were unsure that they even knew how to pee, let alone answer complicated questions from pollsters."

  18. Chet Kincaid_

    Maybe we can convince the dumbasses that Mitt Romney was more responsible for the Browns turning into the Ravens than Art Modell, and more responsible for LeBron's Reverse Underground Railroad escape to Miami than Pat Riley.

  19. barto

    Of course that same 15% has no freakin clue as to who Bin Laden was, they just understand that Rmoney is basically a murderer.

  20. mavenmaven

    Because Mitt Romney= lead. He's as charismatic as a spent bullet, and it was bullets that killed Bin Laden.

  21. OneYieldRegular

    How many minutes until the Romney campaign issues a press release in Ohio highlighting Romney's leadership in the operation that took out Bin Laden?

    1. HogeyeGrex

      6% overall. Read the crosstabs. Search "Laden" in the pdf.

      Oh, and pull the comma out of the end of your tag.

      What's yet more fucked up is that 47%, the plurality of Repubs answered "unsure". So they're not quite stupid enough to just spout "My guy did it! USA! USA!" but can't bring themselves to credit Obama for anything.

      1. ColHeightsChic

        Ah crap, does this make me as stoopid as the rest of Amrika? Although, the fact that 6% of all Americans answered that way is fucking terrifying. Perhaps the follow-up question should have been: Do you watch anything other than Fox News?

  22. T3rbo

    This just means that 15% of those polled didn't have enough integrity to say "Hell, I have no fucking idea what you are talking about at all. Next question?"

  23. Groupshrug

    Can someone please update Mitt's Wikipedia page? Have it note that despite not holding public office since 2007, suggesting that it wasn't worth moving Heaven and Earth to find Bin Laden and having zero foreign policy experience, Mitt Romney is largely* credited with killing Osama Bin Laden.

    1. Isyaignert

      And he gives himself a lot of credit for saving Detroit after he said to let it go bankrupt. What the fuk planet is this guy on? Oh yeah, Kolob.

  24. Antispandex

    4. Shooting that closet commie from the grassy knoll before he could turn the country over to the Viet Cong.

  25. HogeyeGrex

    No. 47% said "unsure" which includes the vanishingly small number who really didn't know as well as all the fuckwits who just can't say anything positive about Obama.

    47 fucking %

    That leaves 38% of Ohio Republicans with some tenuous thread connecting them to reality. More than I would have thought, I guess, but damn.

  26. Bezoar

    Oh great, but if I suggest that half of our citizens are too stupid to be allowed to vote, somebody's sure to write "Say, you know who else thought his citizens were too stupid to be allowed to vote?" and I don't think I would like the comparison. Sheesh.

  27. ttommyunger

    Oh thanks for giving Gov. Nathan "Let's Make a Deal" Deal bragging rights. Only 14% of Georgians believe this.

  28. a_pink_poodle

    Mitt Romney personally slew the entire British army with the claymore of William Wallace in the battle of Wounded Knee during WW2. By his side were Ronald Reagan and whoever is politically convenient at the telling of this comment, saving him from a surprise ambush of Japanese kamikaze fighters.

  29. glamourdammerung

    Normal people do not look down on Republicans simply because they have different opinions like the Republicans claim. They look down on them because they think these opinions are facts and well, because they have really, really stupid opinions.

  30. azeyote

    i bet if you took a survey of the same people the pecentage of people that think there's an actual – man in the moon – would be higher.

  31. Attila_T_Hun

    I'm from Ohio. Hogs and corn and dipshits as far as the eye could see.
    I fled that state as soon as I could.

  32. Negropolis

    Sorry, Buckeyes, but you've just been demoted back to territory status, and your new name is "East Indiana" or "Western West Virginia." Your choice.

  33. Negropolis

    If they are stupid enough to believe that Romney killed Osama, maybe the Obama campaign can counter with the propoganda that "Mitt Romney did 9/11." Just sayin''…

  34. wolvenwood13

    "we will shortly be selling “Mitt Romney: History’s Greatest Warrior” figures, which will include, among other things…"

    You forgot to add George W. Bush in his flight suit with bulging package and the Mission Accomplished banner with him. What exactly he accomplished is anyone's guess.

Comments are closed.