many happy returns

For Bill O’Reilly’s Birthday, We Will Do It Live

Bill O’Reilly, it is your birthday! You are 63 years old, maybe! Your friends at Wonket wish you the happiest of birthdays, and many felafels in your future.

Bill O’Reilly, national treasure, unless you are a young lady with big boobs who works for him.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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    1. YouBetcha

      Best appetite suppressant ever. Can you come over to my office and repeat this to me next time I'm about to shove a cupcake down my gullet?

    1. JohnnyQuick

      After reading that, falafel's going off the menu for a few months. Sometimes getting older and forgetting shit easily is a good thing.

  1. FakaktaSouth

    Well cool, now I know what to read when I want to stop thinking about getting naked.

    He is really terrible at this. I mean really really terrible, I can't imagine how terrible he must be in real life. And how does one "basically" get in the shower? Water would just get everywhere. I'm thinking more "Psycho" than ANYthing with a falafel or any other Greek food abomination.

        1. sullivanst

          No pythons involved. Also, I really don't want to think about the production of perl in this context.

          COBOLlocks, too late.

      1. prommie

        I had to do FORTRAN and WATFIVE, I think it was called, on a fucking punch card reader. There was a pelican inside the computer, and it would peck out the holes in the cards when the gerbil-wheel spun the cards by.

          1. prommie

            The card punch machines were in one building, and the card reader was in another building 2 blocks away. If there was an error in the 5th card, it fucking stopped there, you did a 4 block round trip to fix the 5th card, then it would find the error on the 17th card. And so on, and so on. It was like a nightmare. Like a creepy Jarmusch movie.

          2. actor212

            That unfortunate we weren't because the mainframe was in the keypunch room (or right next door, actually). However, getting the mofo op to get off his fat ass and run the batches….

            Pot helped, but the fuck bogarted.

          3. jqheywood

            Yeah, well I dropped my 3 trays of data cards and SPSS job cards that comprised the bulk of my research for my senior thesis down a stairwell and into a puddle made of melted snow right before my deadline. Thinking about it again 30 years later makes me want a scotch. Or a bunch of scotch. Or Irish whiskey. Or beer. But not wine, because then I might end up in a shower with Bill O'Reilly….

            Hey fellow geeks, do you think there is an O'Reilly book on FALAFEL programming, and if so, what animal is on the cover?

          4. RALitherland

            Fat-Arsed, Loud, Arrogant Fuckwit Emulation Language? The only language designed for FIGO (facts in, garbage out ) processing? I think the cover's a chihuahua trying to hump a lady's leg. Or a pink fairy armadillo, I forget which.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          What you just said there? All that shit I have no idea about? Gerbils? Pelicans? Pecking? Still hotter than anything BillO came up with.

          1. prommie

            Old computers, they did not have keyboards, you punched holes in 3" by 8" cardboard cards, each card was a line of code. Then you took your stack of cards, making sure you had them in the right order, and put them in the card reader, and this was how the "mainframe" computer read and hopefully executed your program that you wrote on a couple of hundred of these cards. But it would usually take 10 attempts to get it to run right because, any mistake in your hole-punching, any card out of order, and the machine "tilted." Do you kids know what "tilt" means anymore?

        1. FakaktaSouth

          Like A fucking boss? Is that what he says? I don't know man, that doesn't sound right. I am old as fuck right now though, that's all I know.

  2. BloviateMe

    Replace falafel with ham biscuit, and this could be a memo from Lindsey Graham to Chris Christie.

    …and, I guess, replace wine with gravy.

  3. sbj1964

    Rumor has it Sean Hannity got Alan Colmes to pop out of a cake naked for Bill.Apparently Bill really does like Fucking Liberals.Literally!

  4. Poindexter718

    In yer shower, abrading & exfoliating yer lady parts….
    How is it even possible that these guys have a gender gap?

    1. Callyson

      The truly scary thing is, he probably edited his real fantasy to make up something he thought would be appealing to a lady. Eew…

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      Are you going to use the breast or the leg? Because they are going to hold different amounts of oil and in the hot water environment of a shower, size counts.

      You know what they say, "lube it or lose it".

  5. DaveJ


    How does he sext? "OMG R U basically sorta wet for me rite now? Essentially LOL, you know."

    1. prommie

      Now I am gonna basically do a kinda clit-rubbing thing, with this oven mitt, but you know, like a gentle thing, cause I know how to treat a lady, I won't give you no blisters! Boom, ayyyeeee, yo.
      I swear its Dice Clay

  6. RuinedLiver

    To be honest my nipples do get hard every time I hear O'Reily's voice. I can't help it, I love cruel men.

  7. YouBetcha

    Is O'Reilly's wife still shtupping that cop? I bet the arresting officer fantasy puts this one to shame.

  8. sewollef

    We have a great Yemeni restaurant in my neighbourhood of Brooklyn…. Yelp raves about it, as does Urbanspoon, even The New York Times has written up a glowing review. We've eaten there a few times and enjoyed spectacular food.

    Their Fassolia is amazing, but I also used to enjoy their falafel. Not anymore. Thanks a bunch Beccs.

      1. sewollef

        No, it's the one in Bay Ridge, right around the corner from Bay Ridge Avenue subway stop.

        Called Bab al Yemen. Yelp reviewers rave about it…

  9. YasserArraFeck

    I don't always molest my employees in the shower, but when I do, I use a felafel.

    Stay horny, my friends

  10. SheriffRoscoe

    Who orders wine from room service. Fuckin shit is expensive. Plan ahead, bring something from Costco. Douche.

    1. Caelan Aegana

      Nonono. Do not douche with wine, Costco or otherwise. That is right next to genital-rubbing-with-loofah on the do not do list. Aiyee.

  11. prommie

    What was this suit all about? Phonesex malpractice? Did she get damages for her pain, suffering, douchechills and total skeeving? Do you think it ever got through to Bill, that he was doing it wrong?

    1. BlueStateLibel

      No, I'm sure it never entered his dense head that he's such a creep. She however got a lovely Manhattan condo.

  12. prommie

    The most glaringly stupid thing was that all noise about getting "two wines" into her, stat, by intravenous if necessary. Stupid Bill, its not a GOOD thing that chicks need to be drunk to submit to your awkward pawing attentions. And on top of that, Bill is no mean slouch, he sells himself short, thinking a chick is only going to need TWO wines, to get drunk anough to fuck him. Bill is, like judge Smails, a tremendous slouch, and it would take at least TWO BOTTLES, maybe, for a normal female to submit to his date-rapey clutches.

    Oh, wait, ok, he just didn't mention the rufie he was gonna put in the wine.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      Drunk sex is never as good as sober sex. Not anywhere near as good. Not that a man like Bill O'Reilly would be able to appreciate the difference. FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT SOBER.

  13. LibertyLover

    I'll bet he's already slugged down his cialis cocktail… But I wonder who will he celebrate with? Did not his wife leave him for some strapping young police Detective?

  14. MistaEko

    He never gets what he really wants on his birthday:

    Staffing authority for the Long Island Police Department

  15. prommie

    He has all the charm and appeal to the ladies as fellow Long Islander Andrew Dice Clay.

    "So den I do like a teasin' move on your pussy, Ohhhhhhh!, I hear yah!"

    1. FakaktaSouth

      "You ever fuck a fat pig? it's like a ride on the wet and wild." That is my auto-Dice tourettes response whenever Andrew is mentioned. He's a fucking charmer and now HE's a fat fuck.(And then I smoke, but, all flashy-like.)

  16. CivicHoliday

    oh goddamn it I just HAD to read this as I was sitting down for lunch. *pushes away plate of fried chicken*

  17. Blueb4sinrise

    Hey, we kid ya Bill, but it's all in good fun.
    Deep down in our hearts we really HATE YOU YOU LYING, SHIT-EATING FUCKWAD!!!!!!!!!!

  18. Boojum

    I would like to get to know Bill O'Reilly better. I think the best way to do that would be from across a table, under oath, on cross examination.

  19. pdiddycornchips

    Why Rebecca? Why? Were there no other famous people born on this day to snark about? Yes, yes there were other famous people born on this date.

    Rin Tin Tin—born on this date in 1918

    Louis Alexandre Piccinni, composer—Born on this day in 1779

    Charle Kuralt—Born on this day in 1934

    Roger Maris, famous Yankee baseballer—born on this day also in 1934

    Joe Perry of Aerosmith—born on this day in 1950

    Colin Firth, actor—born on this day in 1960

    Why subject us to thoughts of naked wingnuts in fancy hotel showers all soapy and gross? And on the eve of 9/11 no less!

  20. randcoolcatdaddy

    Old age and the accompanying difficulties with erectile function couldn't happen to a more appropriate person.

  21. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This is really bothering me. I feel like I need a shower but the thought of a shower is turning my stomach. Thanks a whole bunch, editrix.

  22. Guppy

    I think the takeaway from all this is that, when you can rely on fame and/or influence to get your tail, you don't have to actually be good at the sexytime thing.

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