Bill O’Reilly, it is your birthday! You are 63 years old, maybe! Your friends at Wonket wish you the happiest of birthdays, and many felafels in your future.
Bill O’Reilly, national treasure, unless you are a young lady with big boobs who works for him.
[TheSmokingGun]
{ 181 comments }
Ew.
No two letters have ever been so needed and universally echoed.
…and after reading that, my penis is now just for show.
My isn't even showing any more, it's crawled so far back in.
(May have something to do w/ age too, but …)
It is for something else?
Naked Bill O'Reilly in the shower with naked Rupert Murdoch.
Enjoy lunch everybody.
bastard!
Now I get to enjoy it a second time!
Best appetite suppressant ever. Can you come over to my office and repeat this to me next time I'm about to shove a cupcake down my gullet?
Intravenous de Milo?
Oh god, who's going to clean this barf off my keyboard/monitor/opposite wall?
You should go get some falafel. It'll scrub that right up.
Falafel goes in, falafel goes out.
Can't explain that.
After reading that, falafel's going off the menu for a few months. Sometimes getting older and forgetting shit easily is a good thing.
Intravenous wine. What an ingenious idea!
Oh, did I say ingenious? I meant rapey.
Is that legitimate rapey or the other kind?
I know. I read that and hit the roofie.
"Argh."
Crap, look at the mess on my keyboard.
Did you spill your motherfucking iced tea?
I can never look at the word "Argh" the same again since reading about its use in 50 Shades of Grey.
You are 63 years old, maybe!
So that's like a million in dog years.
Happy birthday, Bill! I bought you a Loofah!!
Asshole breathes in, asshole breathes out. Never any miscommunication.
Fucking great, now my brain needs to shower. With lye and a wire brush.
FRONT ROW SEAT!
Wait…it's not Trix doing it live?
Um, err, oh, I think I hear my laundry is done!
Oh good, just in time to put the new, barfy load in.
Well cool, now I know what to read when I want to stop thinking about getting naked.
He is really terrible at this. I mean really really terrible, I can't imagine how terrible he must be in real life. And how does one "basically" get in the shower? Water would just get everywhere. I'm thinking more "Psycho" than ANYthing with a falafel or any other Greek food abomination.
Maybe he FORTRAN's in his shower?
I bet he wishes he could get some RUBY in his shower.
It was proably just a data dump. I'm sure he falafeled that right up.
The notion of his "spaghetti" code will make you lose your lunch.
No pythons involved. Also, I really don't want to think about the production of perl in this context.
COBOLlocks, too late.
I give this comment a C++
COBOLOL.
ouch.
I had to do FORTRAN and WATFIVE, I think it was called, on a fucking punch card reader. There was a pelican inside the computer, and it would peck out the holes in the cards when the gerbil-wheel spun the cards by.
You were looky!
When I learned FORTRAN, we had to handcode our punchcards using a hedgehog.
The card punch machines were in one building, and the card reader was in another building 2 blocks away. If there was an error in the 5th card, it fucking stopped there, you did a 4 block round trip to fix the 5th card, then it would find the error on the 17th card. And so on, and so on. It was like a nightmare. Like a creepy Jarmusch movie.
What you just said there? All that shit I have no idea about? Gerbils? Pelicans? Pecking? Still hotter than anything BillO came up with.
Old computers, they did not have keyboards, you punched holes in 3" by 8" cardboard cards, each card was a line of code. Then you took your stack of cards, making sure you had them in the right order, and put them in the card reader, and this was how the "mainframe" computer read and hopefully executed your program that you wrote on a couple of hundred of these cards. But it would usually take 10 attempts to get it to run right because, any mistake in your hole-punching, any card out of order, and the machine "tilted." Do you kids know what "tilt" means anymore?
Let's face it. He's hopeless at Smalltalk.
While falafel is an aquired taste, I am glad he didn't mention baklava.
Falafel isn't Greek.
I knew someone would have to say that. Aight, I'm sure he meant GYROS, whatever.
Remember this name: L'As Du Falaffel, ask me about this. Street food heaven.
Ooooh, okay, definitely.
Its Greek to me! Shakespeare! Like a fucking Boss, as my 12 year old says all the time.
Like A fucking boss? Is that what he says? I don't know man, that doesn't sound right. I am old as fuck right now though, that's all I know.
I just had to cancel my vacation to Tel Aviv. I'll never eat falafel again.
Replace falafel with ham biscuit, and this could be a memo from Lindsey Graham to Chris Christie.
…and, I guess, replace wine with gravy.
Red eye gravy.
…soon to become brown eye gravy (Santorum for short).
He was referring to those Ben-Wa Matzo balls probably.
Rumor has it Sean Hannity got Alan Colmes to pop out of a cake naked for Bill.Apparently Bill really does like Fucking Liberals.Literally!
In yer shower, abrading & exfoliating yer lady parts….
How is it even possible that these guys have a gender gap?
It's this kind of abrasive commentary that rubs me the wrong way.
It is rather coarse, innit?
All harrass-y-ness aside, this is kinda the most boring fantasy ever.
Spoken like a true Boffin of Smut.
Oooh..I may have to use that…
The truly scary thing is, he probably edited his real fantasy to make up something he thought would be appealing to a lady. Eew…
Fuck no, he did it LIVE.
That's exactly my thought.
Mine tastes better with hummus in it.
Replace falafel with fried chicken, and I'm in.
what?
"the fried chicken thingy"
Hmm.
A water-absorbing foodstuff would be more appropriate, like a packet of instant rice..?
Uncle Ben's 5-minute dildo
or ramen noodles
Are you going to use the breast or the leg? Because they are going to hold different amounts of oil and in the hot water environment of a shower, size counts.
You know what they say, "lube it or lose it".
You people are disgusting. I'm just hungry, is all.
12 Shades of Lame.
Do not want.
50 Shades of Soap
There is no amount of soap of any shade that will wipe the images from my brain.
BOOB LIBEL!
I'm proud of ol' Bill for finally coming out — as an idiot, that is.
I may have shudders all day. Bleh.
O'Reilly needs to be fixed up with Lorena Bobbit.
WORST PHONE SEX EVER.
How does he sext? "OMG R U basically sorta wet for me rite now? Essentially LOL, you know."
Now I am gonna basically do a kinda clit-rubbing thing, with this oven mitt, but you know, like a gentle thing, cause I know how to treat a lady, I won't give you no blisters! Boom, ayyyeeee, yo.
I swear its Dice Clay
Gonna spray you down with some Pam non-stick spray, or one of those olive oil spritzers, until you're kinda glistening, and then I get out my spatulas.
Pinhead.
It would explain his many wives.
And the very definition of the sanctimony of marriage(s.)
Billy O' puts the "rot" in Erotica!
Yes, because every woman wants her private parts scrubbed with a loofah.
I'm sure it gets better when you go a few rounds and start callousing up.
If your showering with O'Reilly, you're going to feel dirty and in need of a good scrub.
Well, maybe not "scrubbed" but gently ground to a fine sheen?
Relax, baby. I'll be done here in a minute.
To be truthful, I always found if you want to really turn on a women, you have to go with steel wool.
To be honest my nipples do get hard every time I hear O'Reily's voice. I can't help it, I love cruel men.
Is O'Reilly's wife still shtupping that cop? I bet the arresting officer fantasy puts this one to shame.
Its a thing to ponder on, why is it that all the heroes of the right are raging psychopaths.
We have a great Yemeni restaurant in my neighbourhood of Brooklyn…. Yelp raves about it, as does Urbanspoon, even The New York Times has written up a glowing review. We've eaten there a few times and enjoyed spectacular food.
Their Fassolia is amazing, but I also used to enjoy their falafel. Not anymore. Thanks a bunch Beccs.
Yemeni you stopped eating their signature dish?
I probably rode past it yesterday during the tour. Is it the one in Sunset Park?
No, it's the one in Bay Ridge, right around the corner from Bay Ridge Avenue subway stop.
Called Bab al Yemen. Yelp reviewers rave about it…
Oh, by then we were out on the Verrazano Park bike path.
But I'll keep an eye out for that place. I love middle eastern and south Asian food.
Time passes people get older. You can't explain it.
I don't always molest my employees in the shower, but when I do, I use a felafel.
Stay horny, my friends
Ann Coulter will never be the same after having her and Bill's private fantasies revealed this way.
Now I want to get lunch at the Libyan place across the street.
63 year old? See – this is why we need Death Panels. Ride the Carousel, bee-yatch!
Thankfully he didn't have a camera phone
Bill O'Reilly has never had sex.
You know when you touch spectacular boobs and they feel like a bag of sand?
Fuck it!
Whoops! There went my lunch!
he said "loofa mitts." That is fucking hot?
Who orders wine from room service. Fuckin shit is expensive. Plan ahead, bring something from Costco. Douche.
We dated, didn't we?
You really like to date some losers.
Can I get your number?
(651) 379-0444
Well-played…well-played, indeed!
*dialing*
Yea, but you can't charge that to FOX News as a business expense.
"Employee evaluation"
Not if you expense it back to FoxNews World Headquarters.
Employee outreach—-$1856.89
Nonono. Do not douche with wine, Costco or otherwise. That is right next to genital-rubbing-with-loofah on the do not do list. Aiyee.
This makes me more scared of my shower than that Psycho movie.
Cut his mic! Cut his mic!
If I were on the receiving end of BillO's monologue, I'd want to cut something else off (with votes!)
You want to cut off his hanging chad w/ votes? ++meta!
What was this suit all about? Phonesex malpractice? Did she get damages for her pain, suffering, douchechills and total skeeving? Do you think it ever got through to Bill, that he was doing it wrong?
No, I'm sure it never entered his dense head that he's such a creep. She however got a lovely Manhattan condo.
He was 63 like about 20 years ago.
The most glaringly stupid thing was that all noise about getting "two wines" into her, stat, by intravenous if necessary. Stupid Bill, its not a GOOD thing that chicks need to be drunk to submit to your awkward pawing attentions. And on top of that, Bill is no mean slouch, he sells himself short, thinking a chick is only going to need TWO wines, to get drunk anough to fuck him. Bill is, like judge Smails, a tremendous slouch, and it would take at least TWO BOTTLES, maybe, for a normal female to submit to his date-rapey clutches.
Oh, wait, ok, he just didn't mention the rufie he was gonna put in the wine.
Drunk sex is never as good as sober sex. Not anywhere near as good. Not that a man like Bill O'Reilly would be able to appreciate the difference. FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT SOBER.
Usually the "drunk" cancels out the "sex."
Of course I had to have Middle Eastern for lunch today.
"I find the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies." – Zapp Brannigan
I'll bet he's already slugged down his cialis cocktail… But I wonder who will he celebrate with? Did not his wife leave him for some strapping young police Detective?
This is creepy. Excuse me while I take a cat bath.
Aaaaand I won't be needing a masturbation break today…
Or anytime in the foreseeable future.
He never gets what he really wants on his birthday:
Staffing authority for the Long Island Police Department
That would be the Nassau County Police Department, in Bill's case.
I will read a rape-filled ultraviolent novel in his honor.
He has all the charm and appeal to the ladies as fellow Long Islander Andrew Dice Clay.
"So den I do like a teasin' move on your pussy, Ohhhhhhh!, I hear yah!"
"You ever fuck a fat pig? it's like a ride on the wet and wild." That is my auto-Dice tourettes response whenever Andrew is mentioned. He's a fucking charmer and now HE's a fat fuck.(And then I smoke, but, all flashy-like.)
Thank God they developed a vaccine for him in time.
oh goddamn it I just HAD to read this as I was sitting down for lunch. *pushes away plate of fried chicken*
Hey, we kid ya Bill, but it's all in good fun.
Deep down in our hearts we really HATE YOU YOU LYING, SHIT-EATING FUCKWAD!!!!!!!!!!
I haven't touched a loofa in years because of this creep.
I would like to get to know Bill O'Reilly better. I think the best way to do that would be from across a table, under oath, on cross examination.
Why Rebecca? Why? Were there no other famous people born on this day to snark about? Yes, yes there were other famous people born on this date.
Rin Tin Tin—born on this date in 1918
Louis Alexandre Piccinni, composer—Born on this day in 1779
Charle Kuralt—Born on this day in 1934
Roger Maris, famous Yankee baseballer—born on this day also in 1934
Joe Perry of Aerosmith—born on this day in 1950
Colin Firth, actor—born on this day in 1960
Why subject us to thoughts of naked wingnuts in fancy hotel showers all soapy and gross? And on the eve of 9/11 no less!
Bill's shower fantasy. Never forget!!!
Tried to.
Old age and the accompanying difficulties with erectile function couldn't happen to a more appropriate person.
This is really bothering me. I feel like I need a shower but the thought of a shower is turning my stomach. Thanks a whole bunch, editrix.
Cool, I have admin options, must be cuz its my bday too
About to set a new p record?
Unfortunately, the only power I seemed to have (it's gone now) is to forcibly end commenting on an article.
what?
Get funky with Mastah O'ReillyZ dance remix:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppum72Zqxq8
His sexual fantasies are actually worse than his journalistic fantasies, go figure.
To call them juvenile would be to insult 13 year olds.
maybe intravenously
Wine junkie!!!!
I think the takeaway from all this is that, when you can rely on fame and/or influence to get your tail, you don't have to actually be good at the sexytime thing.
Is that an email from actor212?
this must be what todd akin was talking about.
Bill-O is an old perv? No news here, Bill-O has always been an old perv, always.
Vomiting is a climax, in a sense. THANK YOU SEXY BIRTHDAY BILL
Well, it's a release, anyway.
after reading these posts all i have to say is – the horor of it all.
Two words: Andrea Mackris.
That is all.
It didn't Tcl you?
I see what you did there, because I'm sharp.
It was your accent. You said it with a LISP
It couldn't escape your .NET?
Oh. You're onto my scheme.
Nah. The Garbage Collector walked in.
DOS is true, ja.
It's what commoners do.
That unfortunate we weren't because the mainframe was in the keypunch room (or right next door, actually). However, getting the mofo op to get off his fat ass and run the batches….
Pot helped, but the fuck bogarted.
Yeah, well I dropped my 3 trays of data cards and SPSS job cards that comprised the bulk of my research for my senior thesis down a stairwell and into a puddle made of melted snow right before my deadline. Thinking about it again 30 years later makes me want a scotch. Or a bunch of scotch. Or Irish whiskey. Or beer. But not wine, because then I might end up in a shower with Bill O'Reilly….
Hey fellow geeks, do you think there is an O'Reilly book on FALAFEL programming, and if so, what animal is on the cover?
Like in pin-ball? I know what bending over is, tilting, not so much.
You nixed my fun.
I know what bending over is
Now you're just teasing us!
Fat-Arsed, Loud, Arrogant Fuckwit Emulation Language? The only language designed for FIGO (facts in, garbage out ) processing? I think the cover's a chihuahua trying to hump a lady's leg. Or a pink fairy armadillo, I forget which.
Sorry about your college woes, but it does make a great story.
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