many happy returns

For Bill O’Reilly’s Birthday, We Will Do It Live

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Bill O’Reilly, it is your birthday! You are 63 years old, maybe! Your friends at Wonket wish you the happiest of birthdays, and many felafels in your future.

Bill O’Reilly, national treasure, unless you are a young lady with big boobs who works for him.
[TheSmokingGun]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • ChernobylSoup

    Ew.

    • One_who_wanders

      No two letters have ever been so needed and universally echoed.

  • WVUer21

    …and after reading that, my penis is now just for show.

    • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

      My isn't even showing any more, it's crawled so far back in.
      (May have something to do w/ age too, but …)

    • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      It is for something else?

  • ChernobylSoup

    Naked Bill O'Reilly in the shower with naked Rupert Murdoch.

    Enjoy lunch everybody.

    • sewollef

      bastard!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Now I get to enjoy it a second time!

    • YouBetcha

      Best appetite suppressant ever. Can you come over to my office and repeat this to me next time I'm about to shove a cupcake down my gullet?

  • metamarcisf

    Intravenous de Milo?

  • Wadisay

    Oh god, who's going to clean this barf off my keyboard/monitor/opposite wall?

    • Preferred Customer

      You should go get some falafel. It'll scrub that right up.

  • SmutBoffin

    Falafel goes in, falafel goes out.

    Can't explain that.

    • JohnnyQuick

      After reading that, falafel's going off the menu for a few months. Sometimes getting older and forgetting shit easily is a good thing.

  • emmelemm

    Intravenous wine. What an ingenious idea!

    Oh, did I say ingenious? I meant rapey.

    • http://www.marionstein.net Self-Uploader

      Is that legitimate rapey or the other kind?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I know. I read that and hit the roofie.

  • BloviateMe

    "Argh."

    Crap, look at the mess on my keyboard.

    • SexySmurf

      Did you spill your motherfucking iced tea?

    • sullivanst

      I can never look at the word "Argh" the same again since reading about its use in 50 Shades of Grey.

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    You are 63 years old, maybe!

    So that's like a million in dog years.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Happy birthday, Bill! I bought you a Loofah!!

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Asshole breathes in, asshole breathes out. Never any miscommunication.

  • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

    Fucking great, now my brain needs to shower. With lye and a wire brush.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    FRONT ROW SEAT!

    Wait…it's not Trix doing it live?

    Um, err, oh, I think I hear my laundry is done!

    • sullivanst

      Oh good, just in time to put the new, barfy load in.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Well cool, now I know what to read when I want to stop thinking about getting naked.

    He is really terrible at this. I mean really really terrible, I can't imagine how terrible he must be in real life. And how does one "basically" get in the shower? Water would just get everywhere. I'm thinking more "Psycho" than ANYthing with a falafel or any other Greek food abomination.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Maybe he FORTRAN's in his shower?

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        I bet he wishes he could get some RUBY in his shower.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          It was proably just a data dump. I'm sure he falafeled that right up.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            The notion of his "spaghetti" code will make you lose your lunch.

        • sullivanst

          No pythons involved. Also, I really don't want to think about the production of perl in this context.

          COBOLlocks, too late.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            I give this comment a C++

          • sullivanst

            It didn't Tcl you?

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            It was your accent. You said it with a LISP

          • sullivanst

            Oh. You're onto my scheme.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            DOS is true, ja.

          • sullivanst

            You nixed my fun.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            It's what commoners do.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            I see what you did there, because I'm sharp.

          • sullivanst

            It couldn't escape your .NET?

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            Nah. The Garbage Collector walked in.

          • bobbert

            COBOLOL.

      • GeorgiaBurning

        ouch.

      • prommie

        I had to do FORTRAN and WATFIVE, I think it was called, on a fucking punch card reader. There was a pelican inside the computer, and it would peck out the holes in the cards when the gerbil-wheel spun the cards by.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          You were looky!

          When I learned FORTRAN, we had to handcode our punchcards using a hedgehog.

          • prommie

            The card punch machines were in one building, and the card reader was in another building 2 blocks away. If there was an error in the 5th card, it fucking stopped there, you did a 4 block round trip to fix the 5th card, then it would find the error on the 17th card. And so on, and so on. It was like a nightmare. Like a creepy Jarmusch movie.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            That unfortunate we weren't because the mainframe was in the keypunch room (or right next door, actually). However, getting the mofo op to get off his fat ass and run the batches….

            Pot helped, but the fuck bogarted.

          • jqheywood

            Yeah, well I dropped my 3 trays of data cards and SPSS job cards that comprised the bulk of my research for my senior thesis down a stairwell and into a puddle made of melted snow right before my deadline. Thinking about it again 30 years later makes me want a scotch. Or a bunch of scotch. Or Irish whiskey. Or beer. But not wine, because then I might end up in a shower with Bill O'Reilly….

            Hey fellow geeks, do you think there is an O'Reilly book on FALAFEL programming, and if so, what animal is on the cover?

          • RALitherland

            Fat-Arsed, Loud, Arrogant Fuckwit Emulation Language? The only language designed for FIGO (facts in, garbage out ) processing? I think the cover's a chihuahua trying to hump a lady's leg. Or a pink fairy armadillo, I forget which.

          • Isyaignert

            Sorry about your college woes, but it does make a great story.

        • FakaktaSouth

          What you just said there? All that shit I have no idea about? Gerbils? Pelicans? Pecking? Still hotter than anything BillO came up with.

          • prommie

            Old computers, they did not have keyboards, you punched holes in 3" by 8" cardboard cards, each card was a line of code. Then you took your stack of cards, making sure you had them in the right order, and put them in the card reader, and this was how the "mainframe" computer read and hopefully executed your program that you wrote on a couple of hundred of these cards. But it would usually take 10 attempts to get it to run right because, any mistake in your hole-punching, any card out of order, and the machine "tilted." Do you kids know what "tilt" means anymore?

          • FakaktaSouth

            Like in pin-ball? I know what bending over is, tilting, not so much.

          • HistoriCat

            I know what bending over is

            Now you're just teasing us!

      • sullivanst

        Let's face it. He's hopeless at Smalltalk.

    • kittensdontlie

      While falafel is an aquired taste, I am glad he didn't mention baklava.

    • b[redact]opple

      Falafel isn't Greek.

      • FakaktaSouth

        I knew someone would have to say that. Aight, I'm sure he meant GYROS, whatever.

        • prommie

          Remember this name: L'As Du Falaffel, ask me about this. Street food heaven.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Ooooh, okay, definitely.

      • prommie

        Its Greek to me! Shakespeare! Like a fucking Boss, as my 12 year old says all the time.

        • FakaktaSouth

          Like A fucking boss? Is that what he says? I don't know man, that doesn't sound right. I am old as fuck right now though, that's all I know.

  • http://www.marionstein.net Self-Uploader

    I just had to cancel my vacation to Tel Aviv. I'll never eat falafel again.

  • BloviateMe

    Replace falafel with ham biscuit, and this could be a memo from Lindsey Graham to Chris Christie.

    …and, I guess, replace wine with gravy.

    • OkieDokieDog

      Red eye gravy.

      • BloviateMe

        …soon to become brown eye gravy (Santorum for short).

    • larrykat

      He was referring to those Ben-Wa Matzo balls probably.

  • sbj1964

    Rumor has it Sean Hannity got Alan Colmes to pop out of a cake naked for Bill.Apparently Bill really does like Fucking Liberals.Literally!

  • Poindexter718

    In yer shower, abrading & exfoliating yer lady parts….
    How is it even possible that these guys have a gender gap?

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      It's this kind of abrasive commentary that rubs me the wrong way.

      • bobbert

        It is rather coarse, innit?

  • SmutBoffin

    All harrass-y-ness aside, this is kinda the most boring fantasy ever.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Spoken like a true Boffin of Smut.

      • jqheywood

        Oooh..I may have to use that…

    • Callyson

      The truly scary thing is, he probably edited his real fantasy to make up something he thought would be appealing to a lady. Eew…

      • SmutBoffin

        Fuck no, he did it LIVE.

      • emmelemm

        That's exactly my thought.

  • ColHeightsChic

    Mine tastes better with hummus in it.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Replace falafel with fried chicken, and I'm in.

    what?

    • sullivanst

      "the fried chicken thingy"

      Hmm.

    • kittensdontlie

      A water-absorbing foodstuff would be more appropriate, like a packet of instant rice..?

      • CivicHoliday

        Uncle Ben's 5-minute dildo

      • miss_grundy

        or ramen noodles

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Are you going to use the breast or the leg? Because they are going to hold different amounts of oil and in the hot water environment of a shower, size counts.

      You know what they say, "lube it or lose it".

    • Mittens Howell, III

      You people are disgusting. I'm just hungry, is all.

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    12 Shades of Lame.

  • YouBetcha

    Do not want.

  • Lazy Media

    50 Shades of Soap

    • jqheywood

      There is no amount of soap of any shade that will wipe the images from my brain.

  • RadioX

    BOOB LIBEL!

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    I'm proud of ol' Bill for finally coming out — as an idiot, that is.

  • LibrarianX

    I may have shudders all day. Bleh.

  • Oblios_Cap

    O'Reilly needs to be fixed up with Lorena Bobbit.

  • DaveJ

    WORST PHONE SEX EVER.

    How does he sext? "OMG R U basically sorta wet for me rite now? Essentially LOL, you know."

    • prommie

      Now I am gonna basically do a kinda clit-rubbing thing, with this oven mitt, but you know, like a gentle thing, cause I know how to treat a lady, I won't give you no blisters! Boom, ayyyeeee, yo.
      I swear its Dice Clay

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Gonna spray you down with some Pam non-stick spray, or one of those olive oil spritzers, until you're kinda glistening, and then I get out my spatulas.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Pinhead.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      It would explain his many wives.

      • NorthStarSpanx

        And the very definition of the sanctimony of marriage(s.)

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    Billy O' puts the "rot" in Erotica!

  • anniegetyerfun

    Yes, because every woman wants her private parts scrubbed with a loofah.

    • BloviateMe

      I'm sure it gets better when you go a few rounds and start callousing up.

    • kittensdontlie

      If your showering with O'Reilly, you're going to feel dirty and in need of a good scrub.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, maybe not "scrubbed" but gently ground to a fine sheen?

    • SheriffRoscoe

      Relax, baby. I'll be done here in a minute.

    • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      To be truthful, I always found if you want to really turn on a women, you have to go with steel wool.

  • RuinedLiver

    To be honest my nipples do get hard every time I hear O'Reily's voice. I can't help it, I love cruel men.

  • YouBetcha

    Is O'Reilly's wife still shtupping that cop? I bet the arresting officer fantasy puts this one to shame.

  • prommie

    Its a thing to ponder on, why is it that all the heroes of the right are raging psychopaths.

  • sewollef

    We have a great Yemeni restaurant in my neighbourhood of Brooklyn…. Yelp raves about it, as does Urbanspoon, even The New York Times has written up a glowing review. We've eaten there a few times and enjoyed spectacular food.

    Their Fassolia is amazing, but I also used to enjoy their falafel. Not anymore. Thanks a bunch Beccs.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Yemeni you stopped eating their signature dish?

      I probably rode past it yesterday during the tour. Is it the one in Sunset Park?

      • sewollef

        No, it's the one in Bay Ridge, right around the corner from Bay Ridge Avenue subway stop.

        Called Bab al Yemen. Yelp reviewers rave about it…

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Oh, by then we were out on the Verrazano Park bike path.

          But I'll keep an eye out for that place. I love middle eastern and south Asian food.

  • Baconzgood

    Time passes people get older. You can't explain it.

  • YasserArraFeck

    I don't always molest my employees in the shower, but when I do, I use a felafel.

    Stay horny, my friends

  • Estproph

    Ann Coulter will never be the same after having her and Bill's private fantasies revealed this way.

  • Baconzgood

    Now I want to get lunch at the Libyan place across the street.

  • Oblios_Cap

    63 year old? See – this is why we need Death Panels. Ride the Carousel, bee-yatch!

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Thankfully he didn't have a camera phone

  • bibliotequetress

    Bill O'Reilly has never had sex.

    • Gleem McShineys

      You know when you touch spectacular boobs and they feel like a bag of sand?

  • Steverino247

    Fuck it!

  • TootsStansbury

    Whoops! There went my lunch!

  • T3rbo

    he said "loofa mitts." That is fucking hot?

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Who orders wine from room service. Fuckin shit is expensive. Plan ahead, bring something from Costco. Douche.

    • YouBetcha

      We dated, didn't we?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        You really like to date some losers.

        Can I get your number?

        • YouBetcha

          (651) 379-0444

          • jqheywood

            Well-played…well-played, indeed!

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            *dialing*

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Yea, but you can't charge that to FOX News as a business expense.

      "Employee evaluation"

    • pdiddycornchips

      Not if you expense it back to FoxNews World Headquarters.

      Employee outreach—-$1856.89

    • Caelan Aegana

      Nonono. Do not douche with wine, Costco or otherwise. That is right next to genital-rubbing-with-loofah on the do not do list. Aiyee.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This makes me more scared of my shower than that Psycho movie.

  • MadBrahms

    Cut his mic! Cut his mic!

    • Callyson

      If I were on the receiving end of BillO's monologue, I'd want to cut something else off (with votes!)

      • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

        You want to cut off his hanging chad w/ votes? ++meta!

  • prommie

    What was this suit all about? Phonesex malpractice? Did she get damages for her pain, suffering, douchechills and total skeeving? Do you think it ever got through to Bill, that he was doing it wrong?

    • BlueStateLibel

      No, I'm sure it never entered his dense head that he's such a creep. She however got a lovely Manhattan condo.

  • BlueStateLibel

    He was 63 like about 20 years ago.

  • prommie

    The most glaringly stupid thing was that all noise about getting "two wines" into her, stat, by intravenous if necessary. Stupid Bill, its not a GOOD thing that chicks need to be drunk to submit to your awkward pawing attentions. And on top of that, Bill is no mean slouch, he sells himself short, thinking a chick is only going to need TWO wines, to get drunk anough to fuck him. Bill is, like judge Smails, a tremendous slouch, and it would take at least TWO BOTTLES, maybe, for a normal female to submit to his date-rapey clutches.

    Oh, wait, ok, he just didn't mention the rufie he was gonna put in the wine.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      Drunk sex is never as good as sober sex. Not anywhere near as good. Not that a man like Bill O'Reilly would be able to appreciate the difference. FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT SOBER.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Usually the "drunk" cancels out the "sex."

  • cromiller

    Of course I had to have Middle Eastern for lunch today.

  • savethispatient

    "I find the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies." – Zapp Brannigan

  • LibertyLover

    I'll bet he's already slugged down his cialis cocktail… But I wonder who will he celebrate with? Did not his wife leave him for some strapping young police Detective?

  • Jus_Wonderin

    This is creepy. Excuse me while I take a cat bath.

  • Callyson

    Aaaaand I won't be needing a masturbation break today…

    • One_who_wanders

      Or anytime in the foreseeable future.

  • MistaEko

    He never gets what he really wants on his birthday:

    Staffing authority for the Long Island Police Department

    • sullivanst

      That would be the Nassau County Police Department, in Bill's case.

  • poorgradstudent

    I will read a rape-filled ultraviolent novel in his honor.

  • prommie

    He has all the charm and appeal to the ladies as fellow Long Islander Andrew Dice Clay.

    "So den I do like a teasin' move on your pussy, Ohhhhhhh!, I hear yah!"

    • FakaktaSouth

      "You ever fuck a fat pig? it's like a ride on the wet and wild." That is my auto-Dice tourettes response whenever Andrew is mentioned. He's a fucking charmer and now HE's a fat fuck.(And then I smoke, but, all flashy-like.)

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Thank God they developed a vaccine for him in time.

  • CivicHoliday

    oh goddamn it I just HAD to read this as I was sitting down for lunch. *pushes away plate of fried chicken*

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Hey, we kid ya Bill, but it's all in good fun.
    Deep down in our hearts we really HATE YOU YOU LYING, SHIT-EATING FUCKWAD!!!!!!!!!!

  • RRoccoco

    I haven't touched a loofa in years because of this creep.

  • Boojum

    I would like to get to know Bill O'Reilly better. I think the best way to do that would be from across a table, under oath, on cross examination.

  • pdiddycornchips

    Why Rebecca? Why? Were there no other famous people born on this day to snark about? Yes, yes there were other famous people born on this date.

    Rin Tin Tin—born on this date in 1918

    Louis Alexandre Piccinni, composer—Born on this day in 1779

    Charle Kuralt—Born on this day in 1934

    Roger Maris, famous Yankee baseballer—born on this day also in 1934

    Joe Perry of Aerosmith—born on this day in 1950

    Colin Firth, actor—born on this day in 1960

    Why subject us to thoughts of naked wingnuts in fancy hotel showers all soapy and gross? And on the eve of 9/11 no less!

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Bill's shower fantasy. Never forget!!!

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Tried to.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Old age and the accompanying difficulties with erectile function couldn't happen to a more appropriate person.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This is really bothering me. I feel like I need a shower but the thought of a shower is turning my stomach. Thanks a whole bunch, editrix.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    Cool, I have admin options, must be cuz its my bday too

    • One_who_wanders

      About to set a new p record?

      • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

        Unfortunately, the only power I seemed to have (it's gone now) is to forcibly end commenting on an article.

  • proudgrampa

    what?

  • Nostrildamus

    Get funky with Mastah O'ReillyZ dance remix:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppum72Zqxq8

  • barto

    His sexual fantasies are actually worse than his journalistic fantasies, go figure.

    • One_who_wanders

      To call them juvenile would be to insult 13 year olds.

  • DahBoner

    maybe intravenously

    Wine junkie!!!!

  • Guppy

    I think the takeaway from all this is that, when you can rely on fame and/or influence to get your tail, you don't have to actually be good at the sexytime thing.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Is that an email from actor212?

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    this must be what todd akin was talking about.

  • ttommyunger

    Bill-O is an old perv? No news here, Bill-O has always been an old perv, always.

  • Gleem McShineys

    Vomiting is a climax, in a sense. THANK YOU SEXY BIRTHDAY BILL

    • emmelemm

      Well, it's a release, anyway.

  • azeyote

    after reading these posts all i have to say is – the horor of it all.

  • Negropolis

    Two words: Andrea Mackris.

    That is all.