you took too much man too much too much

Old Handsome Joe Biden Just Messing With Us Now

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This was Bat CountryWe were somewhere around Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the drugs began to take hold.

We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers… and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls.

Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.

[AP]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • OurHoboSenator

    I just want it noted that this picture was taken in Seaman, Ohio.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Seaman, Ohio. They put the dumpster in…

  • Allmighty_Manos

    The Onion becomes reality.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Thank god for the Secret Service.

    I reckon Joe could hold his own against those two bikers, but the rest of the bar might be a challenge.

    • tessiee

      Meh, Paul Ryan once beat up a bar full of bikers — or at least that's the story he's sticking to.

      • sullivanst

        He can't do real bar brawls any more because of his back. His back's real bad, y'know? Now he'll just take on a couple of guys in the parking lot.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Uh oh…I don't think Joe's gonna get a nice bear hug from the two dudes.

    • PhilippePetain

      Nah nah, man, I don't think you understand 1%er culture; they were simply about to haggle over who gets seconds and who has to do the first foot long rail of speed off her back.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    That biker on the right doesn't look too happy Handsome Joe is feeling up his woman.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      They both don't.

      Biker 1: He's touching your woman. You want me to cut him?
      Biker 2: No, I'll give him 3 steps for the door then I'm gonna smash him with a pool cue.
      /cue "Bad To The Bone"

      • UW8316154

        "Three Steps For The Door" is a Skynrd anthem – probably not Joe's base.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Dude drives a Camaro. I think it's in his comfort zone.

        • Carrabuda

          Actually, I have it on good authority that "Gimme Three Steps" is a call for non-violence. Supposedly (per my redneck husband) it was written to urge belligerent meatheads (often rednecks) not to have bar fights.

          • MosesInvests

            The original Lynyrd Skynyrd was pretty liberal, actually-songs like "Things Goin' On", "The Ballad of Curtis Lowe". They mixed rock, country and blues to come up with their sound, and their message was, "yeah, we're white Southerners, and we're proud, but that doesn't mean we're ignorant, racist trash." When they reformed with Ronnie Van Zant's younger brother Johnny and some of the survivors of the plane crash, it was the '80's, Raygun was president, and it was cool to be an ignorant racist again. Sigh.

          • prommie

            In Saturday Night Special they call for throwing all handguns in the sea, before some old fool come around here, and put a bullet in you or me, so being the only pro gun-control southern boogie rock band, that makes them pretty liberal.

          • MosesInvests

            Forgot about that one. I grew up in J-ville, and I remember seeing "Leonard Skinner Realty" signs when I was a kid. (Leonard Skinner was a gym teacher at Robert E. Lee High School, and once had Ronny Van Zant and the other boys suspended for having long hair. As a joke, they called the band "Lynyrd Skynyrd", and their debut album was called "Pronounced leh-nerd skin-ner". By that time, Skinner was a realtor, and they put a pic of one of his signs on the album cover, complete with phone number. Skinner used to get a lot of calls from stoned rednecks.)

          • prommie

            Now tell us about The Outlaws!

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Oh, wait a minute, Mister
        I didn't even kiss her
        Don't want no trouble with you
        And I know you don't owe me
        But I wish you would let me
        Ask one favor from you

        Oh, won't you give me three steps
        Gimme three steps, Mister
        Gimme three steps towards the door
        Gimme three steps
        Gimme three steps, Mister
        And you'll never see me no more, for sure

        • MosesInvests

          …and I'm a-tellin' you son, that it ain't no fun,
          Starin' straight down a .44.

        • tessiee

          Also, it cracks me up that the girl's name is Linda Lou.

    • CarolinaStewPie

      Looks to me like the young dude on the left is giving Joe the eye, and wondering when it's his turn! Tickle ME, JOE!

    • JohnnyQuick

      Notice what that guy is wearing: His vest says "President","Ordained Minister" on the left, and then "Troll" on the right.

      Replace "Minister" with "Bishop" and he's got the same titles President Romney would have.

    • tessiee

      He does look a bit unhappy, but I figured that it was because he was apprehensive about the contents of the Baggie in his pocket.

    • rickmaci

      If VPOTUS is in the room, she ain't your woman. That's just how it is with the biker hierarchy thing.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Biden is restoring the honor & dignity of the office as hasn't been seen since Levi Morton.

    • NYNYNYjr

      I love it– what a shot — the twos guys are making eye contact like 'can we take this guy and the secret service' what a classic.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Did the VP caravan pull a Jerry Reed on the way out?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Where are Joe's hands? WHERE ARE THEY?!?!

    • mrpuma2u

      Who knew Joe was into scooter trash?

    • tessiee

      I wondered that myself.
      Zoomed the picture up to 400. Couldn't find his hands, unless that's one of them on the biker's leg.

  • ThankYouJeebus

    See Mitt Romney? This is how you connect with people.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Mitt doesn't have a lot of experience with "reverse cowgirl."

      • rickmaci

        Rafalka libel.

        • thatsitfortheother1

          My nose just did an impression of an espresso machine.

    • 1stNewtontheMoon

      there's not enough Purell in the world for Mitt to get anywhere near that crew.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Pee… pul? Mittbot knows not what you say.

    • sullivanst

      The only connecting Mittbot does is via RJ-45.

      • thedeathofirony

        SCSI

        • caitifty

          I was thinking 300 baud serial – there's no other way to explain the lag.

    • tessiee

      "Rest assured that if I wanted to look at poor people, I'd do so through a powerful telescope." — C. Montgomery Burns

  • HempDogbane

    A chicken in every pot and a lapdance in every garage?

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      I thought it was a trans-am.

      • eggsacklywright

        Certainly not a 70's vintage front-wheel drive Caddy convertible.

        • thatsitfortheother1

          A pair of them, at that.

      • sullivanst

        '67 Corvette libel!

        • tessiee

          Is the 67 Corvette the one with the split back windshield?
          [liking vintage cars = my only non-girlie characteristic]

          • sullivanst

            Apparently the split window was '63 but JB's 'vette is a convertible so no fixed rear window anyway.

      • tessiee

        "a trans-am"

        With the big phoenix [?] painted on the hood.

  • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

    God, I love this motherfucker (and for all the reasons people hate him).

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Nobody actually hates him, they have just tried to manufacture an image of him as a buffoon that is as realistic to his accomplishments as the idea that Obama is a moron who can't talk without a teleprompter.

      • tessiee

        As is so often the case, The Onion has lapped reality.
        There's an article supposedly written by Paul Ryan, titled somethng like, "Admit it, I scare the crap out of you": http://www.theonion.com/articles/admit-it-i-scare
        It was seriously creeping me out, with stuff like:
        "How scared are you that I can convince people I’m right? Because I’m good at it. The American people love that shit. They love it. Hell, I get Democrats to vote for me even if my policies make zero sense when it comes to their livelihoods."
        Then I got to this part:
        "just wait until I absolutely wipe the floor with Joe Biden in the vice presidential debates. Don’t think for a second that I don’t know you’re terrified of us facing off, because in the back of your mind you know it could be a bloodbath up there."
        And I actually did a snorty laugh.
        I thought, "Get over yourself, Rapey-Eyes! You might charm the racists and the dumber one-third of horny women, but if you're dumb enough to think you're a match for Joe Biden, those debates really WILL be a bloodbath!"

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          Ryan outsmarted himself with the universally-acknowledged cavalcade of lies in his convention speech. That is great ammunition for Biden. And as Joe proved in his convention speech by personally going after Romney about their respective fathers and the auto industry, Biden will not hesitate to take Ryan over his knee.

          • BerkeleyBear

            Yeah, it will be kind of interesting as to whether Joe goes old man v. kid (spanking) or old man v. punk (straight jabs to the face followed by an uppercut) against Ryan. Either way, I don't think Paul has a clue what he's about to get into.

          • horsedreamer_1

            Paul will outrun him.

  • metamarcisf

    When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro

    • eggsacklywright

      "As your lawyer, I advise you to tell me where you put the drugs."

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Bad craziness

  • Ducksworthy

    Ha Ha! Lets see you top this Paul Ryan.

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    He just wants to give her a 2 wheel pony ride.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Where are his colors????….

  • FakaktaSouth

    You can take the boy out of the Trans Am, but you can't take the Trans Am out of the boy. And now I want to be in the car with Rebecca S Thompson. Good Chirst.

    • prommie

      I know, right? I want to be the Samoan attorney.

      • FakaktaSouth

        OZA is the subject of my most favoritest paragraph HST ever wrote. I also like how he never died, he just vanished.

        • prommie

          Out with it, then. I met HST, I was such the earnest young geek, I went to all the ostentatiously intellecutalist lecturey events back at Gainesville, before the flood.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Um, WHAT? WHAT? Why why why why are you just telling me this now? Of all the words to put together in a sentence "I met HST" should always be your first choice.

          • prommie

            Just got to say "hi" while he signed my book. Not like we tripped and spent three days hallucinating and writing the great american novel together only to burn it in the fireplace when a bout of paranoia struck us and we became convinced the manuscript was going to murder us. I got Abbie Hoffman to write a note addressed to my parents, telling them not to worry about me because, as the note said "He has joined us."

            I lost all this shit, of course.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Teh awesome!

          • FakaktaSouth

            I bet I could have gotten him to let me shoot one of his guns. Or maybe just let me ride off into the desert with him until he realized I was actually really there. As it is, I am impressed with anyone who has been in his rarefied air space. You're old.

          • arduinohacker

            I "met" HST. Stopped at the Amoco station in Aspen. There was a Jeep up on the lift with four bent wheels. I'm thinking … could it be? …. Naaah, but when I walked back into the front office, I noticed a guy, hunkered down in a third-world squat, with aviator sunglasses, mumbling like a schitzoiphrenic. The Man.

          • tessiee

            I'm sorry to break this to you, but that was NOT Hunter Thompson.
            It was his evil twin brother, the Dalai Lama.
            Google images of them and you'll see I'm right.

      • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

        Hell, I'd settle for being the Okie hitchhiker who "Hot Damn!…Never rode in a convertible before!" — you know, the one with the admirably shaped skull.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Like a true common child
    He was born, born to be wild
    He can act so high
    His legend will never die

    Joe Biden's wild
    Joe Biden's wild

  • pinkocommi

    Of course, the equivalent photo of a Republican politician would involve an underage rent boy.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Joe is, after all, a professional…

  • prommie

    You know pretty much each and every one of us all only comes here to write/pretend like we are HST, Becky Goodhead. Damn its almost meta to actually ADMIT it.

    • MosesInvests

      Becky Prettyhead, actually.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Gutkopf just doesn't have the same ring…

      • prommie

        Nicehead, too.

    • kittensdontlie

      My mind is now blown.

      My mind on HST.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Gary Trudeau's blatant, no-value-added theft of his persona as "Uncle Duke" pre-ruined HST for me.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      I didn't think Harry S Truman was really that into drug culture.

  • Ducksworthy

    If that was Paul Ryan behind her, I'd advise her to check for puncture wounds in her neck and to have herself tested for herpes.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    he really shouldn't be messin' with Smitty's Old Lady.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Hunter S Editrix?

  • sbj1964

    What is the difference between a Harley Davidson,and a Eureka vacuum cleaner?The placement of the Dirt Bag.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Regular boots and biker boots?

      Regular boots have the crap on the outside.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Somehow, I'm thinking Uncle Joe can afford a better looking lapdancer…

    • Oblios_Cap

      It's still better than Jimmy Swaggart could manage.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Frances Swaggart

        Jill Biden

        Yes, but Joe already has a smokin' hot lapdancer available.

  • prommie

    Joe is making me wanna go buy one of those retro camaros. I did always want to have me a bitchin' camaro, so I could drive to the Bahamas.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Bahamas? Why think small? I want to drive it to Hawaii!

      • prommie

        Did I get that wrong? Well, it was on purpose, yeah, thats the ticket, I purposely said it that way, for ironic effect, yeah, thats it. Its an obliquely fractured Paul Ryan pathological liar reference.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          No, you got it perfectly right.

          • prommie

            My sister lives 3 doors down from Leggets, the sand bar referred to.

        • tessiee

          "Did I get that wrong? Well, it was on purpose, yeah, thats the ticket"

          I *meant* to do that!" — Pee Wee Herman

    • FakaktaSouth

      I think that is a fantastic idea. You could have DrGonzo on your hand made license plate and forget about the motorcycle thing. Wouldn't wanna break anything.

      • prommie

        OMG now I gotta find out if thats available!

      • prommie

        I do think that something Yossarian-related would be more "me" as far as the license plate. You know in the end, Catch-22 shaped whatever the fuck I am more than anything, that and Cats Cradle.

        • FakaktaSouth

          Oh Lord. You are ever so earnest, and no matter what people say you were not on the plane when it crashed, I understand. I'll be DrGonzo then, suits me just fine.

          • prommie

            Poor Doc Daneeka.

          • sullivanst

            He really did have problems.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          I was once interviewed by a recruiter for the federal government, who asked me to name my favorite book. I hemmed and hawed for quite sometime, trying not to say Catch 22.

          • prommie

            Kinda like saying "By the way, I am pathologically cynical and regard all bureaucracies as mindless idiotic criminal soul-crushing clusterfucks, so please hire me to work in your bureaucracy."

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Indeed. To make matters worse, she herself was in the army. So I would have been expressing my disdain for the military as an instrument of war as well.

          • MoeDeLawn

            I read it once while IN the army (after having read it on my own, and twice more in Lit classes before getting drafted). That was a very upsetting experience leavened only by sweet Turkish hasish.

          • prommie

            My father had been telling me genuine WWII snafu stories for years before I read it. Mostly though he told me about how they could brew hootch out of anything, absolutely anything with sugar in it. And did.

  • Carrabuda

    I like the expression on the guy at left. He's clearly lookin' at Smitty like, "Dude, I *know.* WTF?!?!"

  • Oblios_Cap

    Here's the article, if you missed it:

    SEAMAN, Ohio — Vice President Joe Biden cozied up with a female biker during a stop today at Cruisers Diner.

    The Associated Press snapped this photo of the vice president sitting behind a female biker while he talked with her and two other male bikers looked on.

    According to the campaign, the bikers were part of a group called the “Shadowmen,” but there were no other details on who the female biker was or what sparked the conversation between her and the vice president, because the pool had been escorted out of the diner before the encounter.

    A second AP photo showed Biden grabbing the female biker’s shoulders.

    When Biden entered the diner, he approached three diners seated at a counter and asked if he they’d lend him one of their motorcycles, according to the pool report.

    “Can I borrow one of your bikes? They don’t let me ride anymore,” Biden said.

    “Probably not,” Jeff Cook, one of the diners, said.

    The vice president responded laughing, “Probably not.”

  • Lucidamente1

    "Do you want me to show you a really big fucking deal, darlin'?"

  • prommie

    OK now, make my life complete with some Joe Heller references, Rebecca! I will just be sitting here in this tree, naked, waiting.

    • eggsacklywright

      "I see everything twice!"

      • prommie

        His name is Yossarian, mom.

    • MosesInvests

      Ou sont les Niegeons d'antan?

    • sullivanst

      Yeah, it's not like Major Major Major Major writes here or anything.

  • fartknocker

    If the biker's old lady is like the women I watch on Sons of Anarchy, they can kick their old man's ass and mop the floor with Joe.

    • Terry

      Yeah, don't let her get her hands on a skateboard, for sure.

  • UW8316154

    Guy on the left is Kinda Impressed: "Handsome Joe's got game!"

    Dude on the right is sure what's going on: " Mah ol' lady is flirtin' with a Suit. Should I be getting pissy about this?"

  • StarsUponThars

    There is nothing more helpless and irresponsible than a man in the depths of an ether binge.

  • UW8316154

    Suck sour eggs, Paul Ryan. Handsome Joe is *ours*!!

  • ChernobylSoup

    A VP Hillary would not have done anything so crass.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      But oh man, if she had…

      • CthuNHu

        I can see the tabloid headlines now…

        Hillary Shacks Up With Meth-Dealing Biker In Sturgis
        Bill: "Yeah, I Kinda Had That Coming"

    • tessiee

      So, are we talking:
      a) Hillary sitting on a (male) biker's lap?
      b) A biker sitting on Hillary's lap?
      c) Hillary sitting on Joe Biden's lap?

      • Mapmonger

        All of them, Katie.

  • SigDeFlyinMonky

    While the Tea Party whackaloons keep painting Barbra Streisand portraits.

  • sewollef

    Tell me this, what Vice-President do you all know that would drink out of a straw? A straw.

    Pussy.

    Come on, this picture is a fake. A fake I tell you… the straw is a dead-giveaway.

  • TootsStansbury

    Goddamnit I just blew a snot bubble at that shit.

  • FNMA

    Poor bastard. Wait 'till he sees the bats.

    • glasspusher

      No point in telling him about them, he'll find out soon enough.

  • OneYieldRegular

    It's never a bad idea to get the biker vote.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I think she was the first Miss Buffalo Chip.

    • eggsacklywright

      Or runner-up for Ms Sturgis.

  • el_donaldo

    If you get into the ether, I'll want to hear about it.

    • glasspusher

      How luminiferous of you.

  • MadBrahms

    The AP link doesn't work. Which I assume is in error, though I can understand boycotting them after their "factcheck" of Obama's convention speech. (FACT: The AP no longer knows what a factcheck is!)

  • MozakiBlocks

    Literally!

  • http://wonkette.com John Birf Society

    "That's why I love these biker chicks. I keep gettin' slower. They keep staying in the same gear."

    • gullywompr

      All right all right all right!

  • Terry

    That photo should be considered to be the visual definition of the term "Stink Eye".

  • dennis1943

    She would probably eat him alive…….just sayin'……..

  • Limeylizzie

    Joey Biden, how much do I truly love him!

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      I'd sit on his lap, fer sure.

    • rickmaci

      LMAO. No doubt which guy is the alpha male of the group in that photo.

  • Barrelhse

    That? Oh, I've got a rock in my pocket..

  • ttommyunger

    Trix let Joey drive? As I tweeted when I first saw this pix: I just know a turn signal is blinking and not an intersection in sight for miles…BTW, that place looks way to clean and well-lit to be a biker bar. I'll email "Becca an inside shot of Mulligans. I report, you decide. /Users/thomasunger/Desktop/IMG_0079.JPG

  • Oblios_Cap

    Joe would never expect his wife to be a prop with the bikers like old man McCain.

    • tessiee

      Old Man McCain should have let daughter Megan be the biker prop; I have a feeling that would have made him a LOT more popular with them.

  • JohnnyQuick

    Apparently Dr. Jill can hang with Joe's Rolling Thunder Tour, to a point: Whoa, Joe.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Actually, she's not sitting on Joe's lap.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    Joe seems to be saying, "Wow…women in leather chaps. I mean, I never…wow…I just never thought of that before."

  • PinkoPopulist

    I'm pretty sure those 2 biker dudes would have kicked the crap outta Joe Biden had it not been for the Secret Service presence…at least that's how I read their facial expressions.

  • Jimmyone

    He's thinking "I love the smell of biker chicks in the morning". Ok…I was thinking that.

  • Steverino247

    At least Joe's family jewels are in the United States…

  • tessiee

    The younger of the two biker men? Guy on the left wearing a sleeveless gray T-shirt?
    Look at the expression on his face.
    He is SO IN LOVE with Joe.

  • DahBoner

    a pint of raw either

    Just a pint?

    Frugal Chemistry…

  • RuinedLiver

    I'm going to be putting Joe on the back of my bike and heading for Sturgis.

  • Janinthepan

    I was at Biden's speech Saturday in Athens, OH, where he fondly remembered getting escorted out of a Ohio University Women's dorm back in 1963.

  • lloydstool

    "Two words, Babe: Free Abortions!"

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    "Do you want me to show you a really big fucking deal, darlin'?" https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-apiUGiGlYAw/UE

  • rickmaci

    Love the biker chic's reaaaaalllllly happy smile. I guess you spend most of your life with a guy named Troll on one side of you and another named Slic on the other side and then one day you find yourself in a roadhouse sitting on the lap of way cool and smooth Joe Biden whose main ride is Air Force 2 and he whispers something in your ear that starts your eyes twinkling because he just made you feel like Miss America and even while it's happening you get this great big smile because you know your life is never going to be any better than that moment but you don't care because at least you had that moment.

  • Walkinwiddaking

    A political picture which makes a Politician (The Vice President of U.S.), look more evil and lurid than the two wannabee Hells Angels. I gotta say, brilliant.

    vice President

  • glamourdammerung

    I am so curious about what is actually going on in that picture and who is behind Biden (you can only see part of their arm).

  • Veritas78

    That is one of the most interesting photos of the year. There's a lot to look at, it's well composed while still un-posed, it invites curiosity about the participants, and it makes you wonder what happened next.

  • lulzmonger

    Oh for a loaf of bread, a pint of ether, & thou …