This Week: Getting Medieval

Fun With Christianists: Things You Can Learn in a Christian ‘World History & Cultures’ Textbook (Part 2)

Pagan baby roundupWelcome back to our exciting Sunday series of visits to the apocalyptic fever-dream that is Christianist America, as revealed through what kids learn in Christian-oriented textbooks. This week, we continue to loot and pillage World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective, 2nd Ed. , a 10th-grade history (we do not say “social studies!”) text published in 1997. (As we noted last time, an updated edition was published in 2010; we are looking on ebay, because why would we give money to the publisher?).

If the World Isn’t 6000 Years Old, We Can’t Believe Anything

The best way to counter public schools’ subtle secular indoctrination, the Christian education movement reasons, is to douse Christian boys and girls with a bucket of unsubtle religious indoctrination. So it really should be no surprise that the second page of a world history book would include a screed on the dangers of science:

  • Man has rebelled against God in many ways throughout the ages, but perhaps no more defiantly than in his denial of God’s role as the Creator. In an attempt to escape their accountability to God, some people credit evolution, a fabled process of progressive change dependent on chance and time, with the origin of life on earth.

    Evolutionists claim that man “evolved” from the animals; they downplay man’s special characteristics of speech, reason, morality, and free will and portray him as just a “highly evolved” animal. They promote their false philosophy under the guise of science, but evolution is no science; it is a faith, a feeble alternative to faith in God…

    Sponsored Video

    The consequences of evolutionary thinking testify to the destructiveness of this false philosophy; in modern times, the broad acceptance of evolution has led to such evils as abortion, infanticide, and euthanasia. In his rebellion against God, man has succeeded only in hurting himself (p. 4).

The broad acceptance of evolution has led more directly, of course, to such other evils as antibiotics, gene therapy, and a basic understanding of biology, but why quibble? As Great Thinker Ben Stein said, “Love of God and compassion and empathy leads you to a very glorious place, and science leads you to killing people.”

The need to find support for the literal truth of Genesis occasionally leads Creationists to make claims that sound like a college sophomore earnestly trying to prove that Pink Floyd lyrics actually mean something. For instance, here’s an explication of the Top Sekrit Bible Truth Hidden in Chinese language:

  • A painstaking analysis of the traditional characters and their components by a Chinese missionary, Dr. C. H. Kang, has revealed that the earliest Chinese worshiped only one supreme God, whom they called Shang Ti, the “Heavenly Emperor.” The ancient Chinese apparently also knew about the Creation, the Fall, the Flood, and the Tower of Babel at least five centuries before the birth of Moses. The classical Chinese character for “to create” consists of the radicals for dust or mud, a mouth or person, movement or life, and able to walk; this “hidden truth” remarkably reflects the Biblical record: “And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground and breathed (with His mouth) into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul (not a baby but an adult, able to walk)” When the Chinese later turned to idols and embraced such false religions as Buddhism, Confucianism, Taoism, and Communism, their own written language testified against them, and God, as always, “left not Himself without witness” (Acts 14:17) (p. 50).

Yes, they are completely serious about that. Their proof for ancient Chinese knowledge of Noah’s Flood? The character for “boat” is made up of particles meaning “vessel,” “eight,” and “mouth.” Needless to say, these claims have been mocked, both snarkily and in far more detail than you want to bother with (but there’s the link anyway).

Satan is Everywhere!

An obsession with Scriptural Correctness is one major theme of World History; another is that all of human history reflects a literal battle between God and Satan. So in this book, the persecution of the early Christian church wasn’t merely a matter of Roman colonial politics. Rather,

  • The fires of fierce persecution now descended upon the church as Satan hurled his venom against the Christians in a vain attempt to squelch their witness for Jesus Christ (p. 144).

There’s a LOT of fun details about martyrdom! And as Christianity spread through Europe, it didn’t merely incorporate the folk beliefs of local populations into church paractices. That sort of explanation may fly with today’s evolution-crazed “anthropologists,” but here’s the real skinny:

  • worship services became more and more complicated with ceremonies and rituals, and the churches began to accept false doctrines as well. What Satan could not achieve from without though persecution, he achieved from within through infiltration. By the dawn of the Middle Ages, the church had lost its original simplicity and had strayed from its Biblical foundations (p. 163).

And yes, that’s the cue to bring on the Big Bad for the chapters covering Medieval Europe through the Reformation and beyond. These guys are serious about proving that, as long-time Wonketteer Chet Kincaid puts it, the Church of Rome “violated the terms of the licensing agreement” that came with God’s software. (And it’s always “Church of Rome” or “Roman church” — The term “Roman Catholic Church” appears maybe twice in the entire text. This may be similar to the way some conservatives say ‘Democrat Party.”) You can feel the centuries of anti-papal butthurt behind this description of the 13th-Century Inquisition:

  • Those classified as heretics were any baptized members of the Roman church who disagreed with any papal pronouncement of church dogma. of course, many people condemned by the Inquisition were Bible-believing Christians…and were not guilty of heresy in the sense of rejecting a basic Bible doctrine. Many others, including Protestants, Jews, Anabaptists, and other dissenters from Romanism also faced persecution by the Inquisitors. [lengthy paragraph on the Inquisition's methods of trial and torture snipped]…Most of those condemned to death were burned at the stake, but some were beaten to death or drowned. All this was done in the name of Christ (pp.180-181).

Oddly, despite this scorn toward the hypocrisy of the Inquisitors, and the textbook’s clear disgust at the Crusades, the lesson is not that excessize zeal can lead to horrors, but rather that the Roman Church’s deviations from self-evident Biblical Truth did all that. Protestants just don’t do that sort of thing. In fact, the outcome of the Crusades, the editors suggest, was pretty wicked 4th-dimensional chess on God’s part:

  • Islam utterly rejected Christ, and medieval Christendom distorted His gospel…If Islam had won all its holy wars, Christianity might have disappeared altogether. If Christendom had succeeded with its crusades, distorted Christianity might have been imposed upon all mankind. Fortunately, each checked and balanced the aspirations of the other (192).

So it all worked out, you see! The bloodthirstiness of the Inquisition and the Crusades was a Romish perversion of Christianity, so please do not blame those horrors on Christianity, OK? By the time we get to the section on the colonization on Africa, those worries about committing atrorities in the name of Christ are gone, and we simply learn that some Europeans (the bad ones) saw Africans as “nothing more than a source of cheap labor” while others (the good ones) “saw Africa as a land needing the light of the gospel and the civilizing influence of Western culture” (p. 371). Mistah Irony, he dead.

Knowledge is Good (As long as it’s Good Knowledge)

There is a whole lot of history and theology between the Middle Ages and the Reformation, but none of it is funny, so the hell with it. Once Luther freed Europe from Romish bondage, though, everything got better, and so we get amazing observations like this:

  • Occasionally, ancient and medieval people made interesting scientific discoveries and accomplished magnificent feats of engineering and invention. But most people never understood the forces and laws of nature established by God… Only God’s direct revelation through His Word could show man the true nature of the universe and give him the foundational truths necessary for science… Scientists began to search for the laws that God had established so they could understand nature and control it for the good of man, as God commanded in Genesis 1:28 (p. 283)

Apparently, among these foundational truths are that the Earth is flat, that bats are a kind of bird, that rabbits are ruminants, that the Earth existed before the Sun did, and that the Earth is covered with a firmament in which God set floodgates to let out rain and snow, and when necessary to drown the world.

However pariseworthy exploring God’s natural laws might be, World History gives special credit to Sir Isaac Newton for recognizing that science doesn’t need to go poking its big empirical nose in some places:

  • Newton, who spent much of his life studying the Bible, realized that there are profound facts about God’s creation and governance of the world that will forever escape the efforts of scientists to explain with their discoveries of laws. “Gravity may put the planets into motion,” Newton wrote, “but without the divine power, it could never put them into such a circulating motion as they have about the sun; and therefore…I am compelled to ascribe the frame of this system to an intelligent Agent.” No scientist will succeed in explaining how “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth” (Gen. 1:1). But if God had not established general laws for the physical universe He created, man’s science would be vain and foolish (p.286).

And yet, foolish scientists actually went and came up with explanations for how the universe came to be! Didn’t they respect Newton at all?

Next Week: The Modern World; or, Finally Some Interesting Stuff Happens

Related

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

272 comments

    1. miss_grundy

      We snark about this and make funny comments but I really feel sorry for the children who are being fed this garbage. If they have to wind up going to public school, they are going to go into shock when they hear what is being taught in school. And high school can be tough, but imagine if you live in wonderland and blurt out this stuff in class? What are these people thinking?????

      1. AlterNewt

        I have two nephews who were nine and ten years old when their mother divorced their crazy christian father. Until then they were schooled in this environment. The good news is that they adapted pretty well and pretty quickly once they got away from it..What are these people thinking? God only knows.

      2. CommieLibunatic

        Word. A relative's kid can't Google his way out of a paper bag, but he can cite some obscure verse that "proves" Noah rode a dinosaur before the flood.

  1. ManchuCandidate

    I find the whole justification of the Chinese flood fucking hilarious. China wasn't even mentioned in the Xtian bible and it has existed for a lot longer than what the Creationists believe is Earf's age.

    1. ttommyunger

      Actually, it is mentioned in the Lamsa Translation and the Peshitta; but who give a fuck? Certainly not me.

        1. ttommyunger

          Sent from my iPhoneRev. Ch. 20; v 8. “China and Mongolia”: Lamsa Translation (KJV : “Gog and Magog”). I think there are other references to China by name in the Lamsa Translation, but it is over 1200 pages and my memory is far from photographic, even though I've read it many times (and still do daily). I'm not aware of a Concordance for the Lamsa Translation so research is labor-intensive and I'm basically lazy by nature. I seem to recall China being named in Ezekiel as well, but won't swear to it and don't care enough to research it this morning. I've never seen a Peshitta but since I read neither Hebrew or Aramaic, that is an academic question; George Lamsa was proficient in both.As I stated in my original comment, I don't really give a fuck about this question. I don't make a habit of picking fly crap out of the pepper and certainly don't want to start a pissing contest over the Bible, especially in this forum; I just thought I'd throw my two cents in for accuracy and some-such, also, too as well as… Any further questions should be directed to George Lamsa directly, however since he be dead, that might be problematic.On Sep 10, 2012, at 7:51 AM, Thomas Unger wrote:Sent from my iPhoneBegin forwarded message:From:IntenseDebate Notifications <notifications@intensedebatemail.com>Date:September 9, 2012 23:03:52 EDTTo:ttommyunger <ttommyunger@mac.com>Subject:billy_reuben replied to your comment on Fun With Christianists: Things You Can Learn in a Christian 'World History & Cultures' Textbook (ParReply-To:IntenseDebate Notifications <notifications+i3ip1a15b3e34PDz-Ng18199bbc3gxj@intensedebatemail.com>billy_reubenreplied to your comment onFun With Christianists: Things You Can Learn in a Christian 'World History & Cultures' Textbook (Par/Wonkette:[Citation needed]Go to commentIn reply to your comment:Actually, it is mentioned in the Lamsa Translation and the Peshitta; but who give a fuck? Certainly not me.- – -Reply to this email to post a response to this comment.Please leave the original message intact. Just type your reply, hit send and you're all set.- – -This email was sent byIntenseDebate, the world's premier commenting system.Unsubscribe

        1. HogeyeGrex

          True dat, but like I said, as many times as possible. What about our brand new readers?

          Yeah, ok. No such thing.

      1. DerrickWildcat

        That thing came from my foray into the jaw-dropping world of Evolution Forums. I swear to damn God that every 3 minutes there was a , "If Man came from Monkey, why are there still Monkeys?" post.
        I'd just answer them like that.

    1. WhatTheHeck

      If a Banana evolved from a cloud, then why are there still bicycles?

      This is easy to explain. The two wheels of the bicycle represent the Father and the Son. The handlebars represent the Holy ghost. The Banana saddle is for the Christian who is along for the ride. This is the basis of Christianity.

      1. CommieLibunatic

        Holy Christ, that insane Icelandic scream-singing fairy.

        She better not fucking change. Like ever.

  2. Clancy_Pants

    "the broad acceptance of evolution has led to such evils as abortion, infanticide, and euthanasia." shouldn't this statement be referenced? I mean if they're saying evolution is a "false science" shouldn't they then provide peer-reviewed scientific method to refute?

    1. Blueb4sinrise

      I guess none of that stuff happened before Darwin, or J.B.S. Haldane maybe.

      Also…….
      A-bortion
      E-uthanasia
      I-nfanticide.

      American Enterprise Institute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      AEI

    2. PsycWench

      If you posted this on a homeschooling blog you'd get a slew of Answers in Genesis links. A friend in Biology told me he once looked up the original research referenced in that material and the AG people were either openly lying, very confused, or never bothered to read the actual research to begin with.

      1. AbandonHope_

        openly lying, very confused, or never bothered to read the actual research to begin with

        I am shocked, shocked I tell you.

    1. el_donaldo

      Children will be blessed for

      Killing Of Educated Adults

      Who Ignore 4 Simultaneous

      Days Same Earth Rotation.

      Practicing Evil ONEness –

      Upon Earth Of Quadrants.

      Evil Adult Crime VS Youth.

      Supports Lie Of Integration.

      1 Educated Are Most Dumb.

      Not 1 Human Except Dead 1.

      Man Is Paired, 2 Half 4 Self.

      1 of God Is Only 1/4 Of God.

      Bible A Lie & Word Is Lies.

    2. CommieLibunatic

      Holy FUCK, just take one of my longbows and kill yourself first. After I've done the same myself, of course.

  3. fartknocker

    Antibiotics are bad? The people who write this shit apparently have never had a child suffer through pnuemonia.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      They're happy to use modern science. They just object to anyone learning the theory that is at its foundation, because it contradicts Genesis. The "other evils" was me just continuing their line of thought.

      Some of the wackaloons do prefer prayer to actual medical treatment, tho.

  4. PsycWench

    Since I am an atheist who has complete faith that evolution is fact, I need to catch up on my abortin', killin' and euthanizing'. I am SO behind.

    1. Warwhatgoodfor

      You forgot the sexin' without the intention to have a bouncin' baby as a result. You really are behind. Help is out there. Wire Paladin, San Francisco.

        1. Warwhatgoodfor

          For your eyes only, even though every one will read it. I get the distinct feeling that my post was felt to be insulting, although I meant nothing of the kind. I was responding in the spirit of the time. I thought the reference to Wire Paladin, San Francisco would have made it clear. I realize now there a about a gAzillion people who have have never heard of the TV series from the 50's "Have Gun, Will Travel" and wouldn't understand the thing about "he had a forty-five, and also carried a gun". My bad.

          1. PsycWench

            I'm not at all insulted! But i feel a little sad that there is this great reference that I totally did not get.

          2. Biff

            When I was a kid, I had the Palladin get-up. Black hat, black vest, two revolvers. I wore that with my Lone Ranger mask and Jason McCord cutlass, nobody expected that!

      1. PsycWench

        Dang, I consciously avoided the "believes in evolution" because of this objection and you get all PZ Myers on me.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          Har! (removes rubber mask) It was Old Man Myers all the time!

          And I'd have got away with it if it wasn't for you darn kids!

    2. An_Outhouse

      If like in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button you are expecting to give birth to an old guy who will grow young, but abort him in the third trimester then I think you score a trifecta and will be all caught up.

    3. tessiee

      I feel ya.

      I can't just throw my abortions in the garbage, I have to be Martha Stewart and make delicious fetus donuts and have the neighbors over for some.
      It always makes me run behind, and yet I just enjoy it so much…

  5. viennawoods13

    “saw Africa as a land needing the light of the gospel and the civilizing influence of Western culture”
    Yep. and let us never forget that the residential schools in which aboriginal children in Canada were imprisoned from the 1870's to the 1970's, were administered by the churches, of a a variety of denominations, from Catholic through to Presbyterian. Because being forced by the law to go to those schools, to be deprived of contact with parental love, to be physically, emotionally, and sexually abused, to be denied the right to speak one's own language, or (heaven forbid!) practice one's native spirituality, was better than for them to be raised within families, and communities, where they belonged, because then they wouldn't have chance to become as "white", as Christan, as civilized, as they possibly could.
    No wonder the current generations of native people can't parent effectively in many cases- they have no clue how to be parents, because they were raised in warehouses with abusive supervisors. No wonder there is an epidemic of drug and alcohol abuse in the native communities, given the pain that they carry that they are trying to blot out. But hey, at least they were raised to be Christian.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        I can't believe you neglected to share that most of these children were systematically raped by Priests, impregnated or even forced to undergo abortions to hide the ones that went after girls instead of boys. It spurred a riotous circle of abusers for generations.

        But, at least we have God. . .

        1. viennawoods13

          Sexually abused is there in my list of abuses that they suffered. But that abuse, while horrific, was just a part of that greater pattern. It was all about control of them by the Christian whites, no matter what form that control took.

  6. el_donaldo

    But most people never understood the forces and laws of nature established by God… Only God’s direct revelation through His Word could show man the true nature of the universe and give him the foundational truths necessary for science…

    Kids, you'll never be able to understand everything, so give up and accept anything we tell you.

    1. PsycWench

      Kids, you'll never be able to understand everything anything so give up and accept anything we tell you.

      fixed

  7. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Everything in the world starts with a leap of faith. I've never seen a carbon atom, yet I spent a year in college learning about them.

          1. GemlikeFlame

            Pretty sure there's some carbon, hydrogen, oxygen, and nitrogen in there somewhere. Maybe even some old lace…

          2. GemlikeFlame

            Yeah, that stuff doesn't metabolize too well. If previous reading is to be believed, I suspect a chemical assay would show Teh Wonkette is made of equal parts tequila, methadone, nitrous oxide, amyl nitrate, and nitroglycerine.

          3. LibertyLover

            Snark is not really an element… it is a gaseous byproduct of the chemical reaction between radioactive elements and logic. It is highly toxic but also strangely addictive….

          4. GemlikeFlame

            It's a compound of tin, argon, and potassium. Plus tequila, methadone, nitrous oxide, amyl nitrate, nitroglycerine, and old lace.

          5. LibertyLover

            Ahem… point of order!!! Argon is an inert/noble gas and as such is not very reactive…

            However, adding the tequila, methadone, nitrous oxide, amyl nitrate, nitroglycerine, and old lace, might just make it more reactive than usual… I must do more research on the subject. Let us repair to the laboratory and down some tequila shots and collect some valuable data points!

          6. GemlikeFlame

            I knew some wiseguy was going to call me on that. There is an argon fluoride, but you have to do something absurd like throw ice cubes at it and curse it with cesium and probably pixie dust. The fluoride decomposes at any temperature much above -250C or so, but it's stable below that. By comparison, xenon hexafluoride is relatively stable at STP. Argon fluoride lasers are the stuff modern semiconductor photolithography is built on, Intel fabs use ridiculous amounts of liquid gasses in their processes.

            However, as the parent suggests, to his credit, I am nothing if not an empiricist, and I know there haven't been nearly enough study of the effects of tequila and all those other things. I see a paper in our future.

          7. LibertyLover

            Yeah, I avoided it in my definition for just that reason. :-)

            Thanks for the mini-science lesson, as well, I was aware of gases in some tech processing work, but as I only did analytical chemistry work, I am not as familiar. Give me a GC/MS though… ;-)

            In the interest of advancing science, I look forward to our future research!

          8. GemlikeFlame

            Recovering organic chemist here, if it doesn't dance under a UV or IR spectrometer and isn't a component of ancient or modern liquid leisure time entertainment, it might as well not exist. I'll make an exception for well-behaved phosphates.

            Professor across the hall is an inorganic chemist. I keep telling him to enjoy his ice water.

            On behalf of all chemists everywhere, here's mud in your eye.

          9. GemlikeFlame

            OK, now that's just hysterical. Thanks for the link, I knew about the general family of As carbon-substituted rings, but not that one. From the looks of it, it should be fairly stable and relatively aromatic to boot.

            http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arsole

            The benzene analogs are arsinine and arsinane, which is even more hysterical. And even better, the hepta variant is arsepane.

  8. StealthMuslin

    I haven't seen this much effort put into a worldview since Daddy tried to explain why Mommy and the kids make him drink.

  9. eggsacklywright

    This is my theory. It is mine and it is correct. My theory, which is mine, is the only real theory. Actually, it is not a theory, it is a fact, and it is mine. All religions except mine are wrong, and anyone who disagrees should be smitten and plagued and drownded in fire.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Don't you mean smitted, or smote? I guess a blast of drooling insanity at The Rapture could be mistaken for falling smitten.

      1. eggsacklywright

        You're right. I guess in all the excitement I forgot the past pluperfect conjunctivitis. And to think I was an English major. I has the oldz.

  10. sbj1964

    I Have never understood the Christian preoccupation with gays,and why they hate them so much.Who was that guy in the Bible that Never messed with the ladies,walked around saying A-men,love your brother,said he really liked Peter said he liked to lean on PETER.Liked to wash other men's feet.Had long hair,and liked to wear purple robes.Said he was not a fishermen,but a fisher of men.(That's really gay)When he was arrested in the garden a young naked boy was seen running away(Mark 14:51) What was JC doing with a young naked boy late at night in a garden?(Ask your Catholic priest)And let's not forget about the 12 boyfriends.I am not trying to out JC. But if it walks like a duck?I am just saying do the math.

  11. GunToting[Redacted]

    You know, I have to agree with Ben Stein on his point. When I was in graduate school for microbiology, I frequently wanted to kill someone.

  12. weejee

    a college sophomore earnestly trying to prove that Pink Floyd lyrics actually mean something

    Does this mean Mrs. weejee and I should stop playing Ummagumma and Atom Heart Mother at vespers?

  13. Troubledog

    I think Ricky Gervais said the difference between an atheist and a Christian is that the Christian denies the existence of 47 gods, and the atheist denies the existence of 48. I thought that summed it up nicely.

    1. tessiee

      That argument has been around for a long time, but I'm willing to give Ricky Gervais credit for it because of his maniacal laugh.

    2. GunToting[Redacted]

      I think the number was closer to 4,800 versus 4,799. He was trying to include all minor gods, goddesses, and deities.

    3. BTWBFDIMHO

      Or spin it this way: long time ago, there were circa 4,700 gods and goddesses; now, according to the Christians, there is only one god. Conclusion: our God is a serial killer, which by the way explains the Real Americans' fascination with the army and the nra. The end.

  14. WhatTheHeck

    The word “God” is made up from “G” which is abbreviated from “Gmoney” and “od” which is abbreviated from “oddly jealous and vindictive.”
    Put together it means God is Love and loves people to give him money.

  15. Callyson

    they downplay man’s special characteristics of speech, reason, morality, and free will

    Anyone who thinks humans are the only species with free will hasn't owned any pets lately…

  16. mavenmaven

    "What Satan could not achieve from without though persecution, he achieved from within through infiltration.."
    Those Christians, always obsessed with infiltration…

  17. DerrickWildcat

    If it mentioned Newton, then I know it had to mention Louis Pasteur. Cuz apparently, Louis Pasteur was a big big big big time Christian and those Creationists won't dare let you forget that buster. If the book didn't mention Louis Pasteur, then they're really worthless at being Creationists.

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      I'm looking forward to the edits that ensue when they find out about Newton's long-time "roommate" and how Newton went to pieces when he moved out.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      Shit, Einstein and Darwin basically said the same things as Newton, who was severely fucked up psychologically. Why it has to be either God is reflected in everything or the science is junk just astonishes me as an attitude.

    3. tessiee

      There was an animated show called "Home Movies", where the main character, Brendon, was a filmmaker. In one episode, he wanted to make a movie called, "Louis Louis". It was a buddy movie starring Louis Pasteur and Louis Braille.
      Theme song:
      "Well, I’m, curing disease
      Helping blind people read
      Don’t drink that milk without talking to me (Oh yeah!)
      I’m saving those who can’t see with their eyes
      Don’t mess with me you’ll get pasteurized!
      Yeah! Come on! Come on! Louis Louis in the house! Break it down!"

      At one point, Braille tells Pasteur he wants a house with a view.
      Pasteur [speaking in comically exaggerated French accent]: Why you want ze house wiz ze view, Msieu? Yeu are blind!
      Braille [also with exaggerated French accent]: Well, ma *whole family* iz not blind!

      This cracks me up every time I think of it.

    4. LibertyLover

      Pastuer used science to KILL bacteria… oh the bacterity! —(he didn't use religion to joyously love them to death)…

  18. Rotundo_

    So religion relies on ignorance and actively promotes it in the materials it uses to "educate" the children it seeks to protect from scientific exploration. Not much new, except the brazen approach here, it seems. You would think they had more faith in their faith…

  19. sbj1964

    Religion is nothing more than an STD.( Socially Transmitted Disease)A virus passed from parent to child.It destroys the brains logical reasoning,Causes outbursts of violence,and in most cases a severe form of stupid when it comes to Science,History,Math,Literature,Art,Bigotry,Hypocrisy,Homophobia,Evolution,and just not being a complete CUNT!

  20. Dashboard Buddha

    saw Africans as “nothing more than a source of cheap labor”

    Huh…just like some cheap whore from Australia.

  21. Ducksworthy

    I think it was Will Rogers who said: "It ain't what they know that makes them dangerous, its what they know that just ain't so."

  22. Chichikovovich

    There’s a LOT of fun details about martyrdom!

    Did they include Nero's purported love of binding Christians alive, covered in tar, to posts in his garden and setting them aflame as illumination at night?

    Because that would be pretty compelling evidence of the Satanic inspiration of the search for alternative energy sources. [Solyandra!!!!!!!]

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Oh, yeah, that's totes in there. Also tales of so many Christians being fed to wild beasts in the Colosseum that the critters were too stuffed to move. Clearly a logistics and planning lesson in there.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          I'm sure you will be astonished that the subject never comes up. While looking more closely at the discussion of Luther, however, I did find a brief mention of how disappointed German peasants were that Luther didn't support their aspirations for reform:

          "Luther advised patience. Violence and revenge would only make matters worse, bringing disorder and more tyranny. He wrote:

          If wrong is to be suffered, it is better to suffer it from rulers than that the rulers suffer it from their subjects. For the mob has no moderation, and knows none…It is better to suffer wrong from one tyrant, that is, from the ruler, than from unnumbered tyrants, that is, from the mob…

          …Luther's language had been strong, but he was trying to make it clear that Christianity must not be thought of as a revolutionary political movement. Spiritual freedom does not always guarantee political or economic freedom."

          To which I can only say, Wowza! That's going into a later post!

    2. tessiee

      "Nero's purported love of binding Christians alive, covered in tar, to posts in his garden and setting them aflame as illumination at night?"

      I must not say, "That's the only time Christians were ever a source of illumination"…
      Oopsie.

  23. MonkeyMotion

    Just wondering: Is World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective, 2nd Ed. published by The Onion?

    If not, then it's impressive how the "authors" managed to write so many actual words (stupid words, granted) given they spend 98% of their waking hours obsessing over geys and buttsecks.

    1. kittensdontlie

      I just use evolution to "escape…accountability to God", and you know what, it works! Praise Jesus!

  24. Chichikovovich

    And it’s always “Church of Rome” or “Roman church”

    Not "The Whore of Babylon?". The textbook publisher has clearly become unacceptably soft on Popery, in the hope of getting a few extra dollars* from followers of the Cult of Mary.

    *[Or perhaps I should say "a few extra .... pieces of silver"!!!!!]

    Edit: Like, maybe….. thirty?????????

    Edit II: Because that's how much Judas,… – Oh, you got it? OK, I just wanted to make sure that you got it. Because when Judas…. Oh, you really got it? OK. Just making sure…

    1. SexySmurf

      Now I can copy and paste my favorite quote from Once Upon a Time in the West:

      Harmonica: The reward for this man is 5000 dollars, is that right?
      Cheyenne: Judas was content for 4970 dollars less.
      Harmonica: There were no dollars in them days.
      Cheyenne: But sons of bitches… yeah.

  25. gullywompr

    In science, "fact" can only mean "confirmed to such a degree that it would be perverse to withhold provisional assent." I suppose that apples might start to rise tomorrow, but the possibility does not merit equal time in physics classrooms.
    ~Stephen Jay Gould

    1. tessiee

      I'll see your Stephen Jay Gould, and raise you an Isaac Asimov:

      “Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.'”

  26. UW8316154

    "Hunter Arens" posted this review on Amazon.com. Beautiful. Hunter has escaped the philosophical restrictions of his mother's homescoling adventure, but apparently the series lacks a unit on spelling.

    "Oh boy,where to start?I was homeschooled and had this book.And it is without a doubt the WORST history text book ever!!The "Christian Perspective"is very bitter,cynical,disdainful and mean sprited towrds other cultures that believe in a differnt God.it's like written by a pissed off Ned Flanders on crack.Only a book that bitch Ann Cutlor would apporove.In fact,stay away form all the A beka books.They are like this.Cynical,hateful,dark-souled.Jezz,talk about being Christ like.Shmucks."

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      Have to give his mom some credit. She didn't teach him much about spelling, but she did teach him critical thinking skills. (purely by accident, I'm sure.)

    2. PsycWench

      It's a sign from God that there's hope for the next generation!!! Anyone who uses a yardstick like "a pissed off Ned Flanders on crack" should learn about Wonkette.

  27. Chichikovovich

    Protestants just don’t do that sort of thing.

    Persecution of Catholics in England after Cromwell's revolution? Burning alive of Michael Servetus for what he said in some letters to Calvin? Those parts of the witch crazes that occurred in Puritan regions?

    Bitches were asking for it.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      200 years of German princelings killing each others' serfs for having the wrong religion? Catholics totally started it, I guess. See also Cromwell and later English in Ireland, American settlers and Natives, KKK's views on Catholics, etc.

    2. viennawoods13

      Fun fact: the golden years for witch hunts in England (and elsewhere in Europe) was after the Catholics had been replaced by the Protestants. In fact, some of the most determined witch-hunting took place in Cromwell's England.

  28. ElPinche

    I guess you libtards didn't hear about "scientists" discovering the Briggs & Stratton Particle , or the GOD particle . GOD! JESUS IS EVERYWHERE, EVEN IN THE BACTERIA WORLD!

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Briggs & Stratton makes a damn fine lawnmower engine, but I wouldn't say it was divine.

      True story – B&S was the only stock my parents had while I was growing up, bought on what was likely an illegal insider tip about a stock split in the late 60s from one of the company's honchos to my grandmother (his nurse, who offed herself shortly after he died). Its price never went up or down much, but every few months there was a small dividend. You know, back when companies made shit and paper corporate profits weren't the only thing that mattered?

  29. Chichikovovich

    Newton, eh? The guy who denied the doctrine of the Trinity and thought that worshiping Christ as divine was idolatry?

    A bold choice for these textbook dudes to use him as their Religion and Science correspondent.

  30. anniegetyerfun

    Ben Stein is so right. Whenever I think of ways of preventing killing, I think about getting a group of Muslims and a group of Christians into a locked room and then asking them to decide who is loved best by God.

    1. bibliotequetress

      Well, if you got ALL of them in that room…

      (*special exemption for unitarians, quakers, and ahmadiyya. however, they have to clean the room afterwords.)

    2. Chichikovovich

      On this topic I've always had a soft spot for Hitchens' answer to a typically fatuous question from Dennis Prager on his radio show: "If you were in a strange city one evening and saw a few men coming toward you, would you feel more or less safe knowing they just came from a prayer meeting?"

      Take it away, Chris:

      “Just to stay within the letter ‘B,’ I have actually had that experience in Belfast, Beirut, Bombay, Belgrade, Bethlehem, and Baghdad. In each case I can say absolutely, and can give my reasons, why I would feel immediately threatened if I thought that the group of men approaching me in the dusk were coming from a religious observance.”

  31. SheriffRoscoe

    Ah, Christianists. They're special, aren't they? I'm so happy and privileged to have grown up in their midst. How about this: When Jesus broke all those Laws of Moses during His ministry, He was actually fulfilling them. This is logic. And we need inquire no further into the matter.

  32. 4TheTurnstiles

    proof there is no God: we got caught under a tornado in fucking Fairfax County yesterday afternoon and the power was out and you can't trust the orange line (piece of shit already) when the power's out so we didn't get to go to the Wonkette drinky party. Damn…

    1. Isyaignert

      My BFF lives in Reston in a cul-de-sac and they watched a tornado come down their street. She also said the wind bent their neighbor's 100+ foot oak tree nearly in half and that a branch that snapped off just missed hitting their neighbor.

      Here in the Seattle area, if it doesn't rain by Tuesday, we'll set a new record for the number of dry days in a row.

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        We just left Seattle after 10 days. We flew from sunny, dry Seattle to rainy Arizona. It was a little odd.

        1. Isyaignert

          I hope you had a great time in Seattle! It's my hometown, but now I Iive in the country about an hour south of the city.

  33. gullywompr

    I have a theory – the terrorists almost won.

    Can't find a reference right now, but IIRC research show that humans under stress retreat to what's comfortable, in deference to facts. The display of nationalism immediately after 9/11 (American flags on every porch) combined with an uptick in church attendance frankly scared the hell out of me, and still does. Now that Al Qaida is diminishing in focus, new enemies must be found to sustain the argument that our nation's problems are a result of abandoning "traditional" social mores, so we turn on our own citizens – gays, sluts, and atheists (but of course, this does not diminish the attacks on the extant non-citizens in our country: latinos and Kenyans).

    It should be easy to plot this reactionary swing since 9/11. We thinking people have a long hard slog ahead of us. Somehow we have to convince evangelicals to relax, that US citizens are not enemies, and that the world is not as uncomfortable as they perceive.

    I wish I knew how to do that – facts are rejected by them, snark just pisses them off, and killing them with votes seems to just make them more resolute. Maybe we just need to invite them over for dinner more often, during which we avoid any contentious discussion, and kill them with kindness?

    Damn, it's hard to be funny with a Sunday hangover…

    1. Chet Kincaid_

      This doesn't have to do with 9/11, it's been going on since the '60s. Long before, if you want to talk about the Red Scare. And what was Jim Crow but a massive domestic enemy-finding spree to reverse Reconstruction?

      1. gullywompr

        I wish there was a way to graph swings in social mores. I'm not disagreeing with you, it's just that my perception (and I'm saying my perception could be wrong) is that from the 60's through the 90's, we were becoming more progressive, but the last decade has seen a rise in successful reactionary efforts (ie. the prior efforts may have been there, but didn't get too much traction until after 9/11).

        Am I off-base?

        1. Chet Kincaid_

          Yes, I would have to disagree that reactionaries were not successful before 9/11, having lived through Nixon's Silent Majority, the rise of the Moral Majority, Reagan, Reagan, Bush I, and the mobilization of the Wingnuts under Clinton.

          1. gullywompr

            OK, well worth taking under advisement. Maybe by late afternoon this hangover will lift and I can have clearer thoughts. Bear with me.

          2. Chet Kincaid_

            Well, maybe it's a matter of what we count as "success" for those guys. Certainly, every time they have the Presidency, they have the opportunity to appoint Supreme Court Justices who can do serious, semi-permanent damage. On the other hand, Obama was elected, which is a blow against all they stand for, and looks to be elected again.

          3. James Michael Curley

            I knew nothing about the 1968 Democratic Convention and the Soviet invasion of Czechoslovakia when they happened because the Army sent four of our helicopters to Chicago where we stayed from Sunday Morning to Friday Morning in the stockyards behind the Cow Palace without being allowed to leave or turn on our radios.

            When we were back in Kansas and started to catch up on the news I remember sitting around with a few guys and discussing that the cultural revolution of the sixties was going to be killed and conservatism would rise.

            Now we know things like Nixon's Southern Strategy were specifically designed to route out and discredit any democratic/liberal sentiment in the culture. That f*cking weasel Nixon waged a culture war from within the Oval Office and it took the rest of the world thirty years to realized had happened.

    2. Negropolis

      No, no, no. This was ongoing way before 9/11, and I'd even argue that this kind of shit had more cache in the 90's than it does, today.

  34. Geminisunmars

    I simply would not allow a child of mine to read that textbook! In it they talk about other ways of believing, like evil evolution and gravity. Why take the chance of allowing the children to even realize that there are other belief systems out there at all?! This could lead to them being curious, and you know where that can lead.

  35. Guppy

    at least five centuries before the birth of Moses.

    He was born on a Tuesday.

    Also, while the Romish Prince was off being a Babylonian whore and all, what about the Copts and Orthodox and other Eastern churches? Or does Jesus only bless the white people?

  36. LibertyLover

    Dear Doktor Zoom…

    If you are looking for a 2010 copy of the World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective, 2nd Ed. , a 10th-grade history, might I suggest that you try looking for one or requesting it through your local library instead of paying money for the tome?

    I know that libraries are Socialist hellholes where our tax dollars go to purchase books for the use of the whole community, not just those who can pay for whatever books they want— (sort of like Napster used to be for music), but if you really want to deny money to the publisher, then that might be the way to go.

    Just sayin'

      1. James Michael Curley

        Having spent a term on the Library Board before an administration change, there is far too much 'buy this package' than being able to sit down and get a bunch of books from Amazon or something. Those 'packages' are specifically bent toward providing sales to publishers for their loss leaders while you try to put on the shelf what the community wants. Guess why I am no longer on the Library Board.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Happily, the Boise Public library system isn't in the habit of stocking textbooks published for a tiny (but noisy) market. (Actually, they don't have textbooks at all, which, considering how frequently they're updated & replaced, isn't at all surprising).

      You should see their awesome graphic novel listings, though, which I think is a far better use of taxpayer funds.

  37. GregComlish

    many people condemned by the Inquisition were Bible-believing Christians…and were not guilty of heresy in the sense of rejecting a basic Bible doctrine. Many others, including Protestants, Jews, Anabaptists, and other dissenters from Romanism also faced persecution by the Inquisitors.

    Actually the Inquisition was mostly a political tool used by powerful factions in the elite against less powerful factions to keep them in check. Typically it was targetted against petty noblemen who didn't toe the line, but It was deployed against dissidents, liberals, uppity women, and Muslims. It was during the Inquisition when Christians waterboarded their first Muslims. The only reason that fundamentalist Christians pretend to find the Inquisition abhorrent is because they hate Catholics.

    1. tessiee

      I don't remember where, but I've also read that the Inquisition was a handy-dandy way for the Church to confiscate property (land, houses, etc.); and that, in fact, in several instances where a heretic was discovered to be poor or at least not own anything worth stealing, they said, "Never mind".

      Ah, here it is: Richard Zacks, An Underground Education, pp. 226, "The Profit Motive Behind the Inquisition":
      "The darkest secret of the Inquisition is perhaps not the sadistic pleasure [...] but rather the enormous financial incentive that drove the Inquisition [...] a convicted heretic had his or her property confiscated [...] Famiiies in the Middle Ages were sometimes turned out of doors as soon as someone was *accused* of heresy [...] The Inquisition sometimes prosecuted the dead [...] and then confiscated the property of the heirs [...] The heirs of one wealthy Gheraldo of Florence lost their property 65 years after his death, because Gheraldo *allegedly* confessed to heresy on his deathbed."

    2. Doktor Zoom

      It also became a useful tool for keeping the Jews in line. But again, the real tragedy is that the Papists used it to persecute "Bible-believing Christians."

    3. richmx2

      Which of the several Inquisitions are we talking about here? The Spanish Inquisition was as much about enforcing hegemony on a multi-cultural nation (until February 1492, there was no "Spain"… three major kingdoms, and several client states with different customs, laws, languages and sometimes religions) as anything else.

  38. LibertyLover

    Hey. About those 'Europeans (the bad ones) saw Africans as “nothing more than a source of cheap labor” ' — Anyone else think that they might have been businessmen?

    Because, see, there's this guy, see, that thinks that businessmen are better suited to run Government….and , get this, he wants to be President….

  39. LibertyLover

    Oh Ben Stein… how I do miss those eye drops commercials that you used to do…

    Anywhooo….Ben, considering it isn't the scientists that take scientific discoveries and pervert them into ways of killing more and more people more efficiently (see guns, tanks, ordinance, chemical warfare, etc. — scientific principals used: physics, biology, chemistry, etc,) and considering that men were killing in the name of God (see Jericho, The Massada, etc) long before scientists were trying to convert lead into gold…but also long after, as well – see aforementioed Crusades and Inquisition to the present day.)

    I would have to say that you are more than a little off base here…

  40. TribecaMike

    The writer Anatole France, upon seeing the discarded canes and crutches on a visit to Lourdes, wondered, "What, no wooden legs?"

  41. vulpes82

    If it isn't railing against "Papists," especially the filthy Irish, it isn't Truly Christian.

    Also, Newton stuck stilettos in his eyes and stared at the sun to study optics, and wrote much more about Biblical exegesis and calculating the return of Christ than he did gravity. He also rejected the Trinity. Heretic!

  42. Native_of_SL_UT

    So the Muslims saved the Catholics from overreaching during the Crusades?
    You would think they would be more grateful.

  43. christianmuslin

    Once upon a time, long, long ago, but not so far away science books and those of us who found them awesome did not find them to be a threat to religion or one's religious beliefs, whatever they were. The one was about facts and reason, the other about heresay and believing absent any facts. The fsct that many of these televangalists fail to list their educstional bacground in no way threatens my belief that their ministerial knowledge is weak and they are full of shit!

  44. Negropolis

    This is straight-up child abuse.

    You know, organized religion is whacky all by its lonesome, but to then niggle over petty details that don't change the central meaning of the faith just drives me crazy. Will someone shut the fucking Evangelicals up, already?

  45. Negropolis

    “Love of God and compassion and empathy leads you to a very glorious place, and science leads you to killing people.”

    Isn't it just adorable and deft how Ben conflates compassion and empathy with the "love of god."? Sneaky bastard. The biggest lie ever told is that human morality exists and abides only within the confines of religion.

  46. CalamityJames

    Snark-free pause for the cause: I read this with great amusement until the point where they attempt to claim that "Islam utterly rejected" Xrist. Bollucks! Muslims have always held the fictional Jew-on-a-stick in high regard, considering him a great prophet. Their belief is that Allah, being without human form, can no more impregnate a 13-year-old than a horse can fly, ergo, the divinity of Xrist is an impossibility. I'm not certain why this set me off more than any of their other ridiculous slack-jawed ramblings, but really, someone needs to make an investment and send these mouth-breathing hillwilliams to a Neil DeGrasse Tyson lecture. We can debate the gelding of their males afterwards.

    1. Calapine

      You know, I don't think he was fictional. Not god's son or any sort of deity, but some sort of charismatic preacher. And consider what's left of his teaching, I do sort of feel sorry for him, seeing how it is warped nowadays.

    2. Negropolis

      That caught my eye, too, for its blinding inaccuracy. In fact, Islam probably holds Jesus in higher regard than just about any other religion in that region except maybe the Baha'i faith.

  47. MadBrahms

    Evolution is a "fabled" process? Are tales of natural selection recounted to children around campfires, or printed in brightly colored books alongside Hansel und Gretel? Does their version of On the Origin of Species begin with "Once upon a time…"?

  48. DahBoner

    God put all those dinosaur bones in the Earth millions of years ago, just to "test our faith", that the Earth is really only 6000 years old, like the Bible says.

    //rimshot

    1. MadBrahms

      Given the choice between a god that is caring but distant (perhaps giving scientists some wiggle room) and a god that is close but a total dick (who puts things in the ground just to fuck with people), these guys choose the total dick every time. I'm not sure if Christianist theology or Christianist psychology is weirder.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        Actually, almost no creationists say that anymore; they've now decided that dinos were created along with all other life at the same time, and Noah had 'em on the Ark (he took babies, or maybe eggs). They lived long enough to be mentioned in the OT ("Behemoth") and fossils are now Official Evidence of the Flood.

        Yeah.

  49. vtxmcrider

    In all these two parts of our important Christian history, there is still no mention of the buttseks and the tremendous influence and role of Wonkette. It is the greatest threat to Christianity today.

Comments are closed.