we few we happy few

Prince Harry To Unsheath His Mighty Sword

Prince Harry, Center, A-Horse

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! His Royal Highness Prince Henry Charles Albert David of Wales, better known as Prince Harry Hardcock, has decided to lead his kingdom’s Christian knights in battle against the heathen Pathan.

Harry, last seen cavorting with nymphs and maidens in the fabled pleasure domes of Las Vegas, has taken vows as a Crusader despite some opposition amongst Her Britannic Majesty’s courtiers, who fear the third in line for the Imperial throne might be killed, mutilated, or worse, caught pantsless in some Emir’s seraglio. A previous foray upon the field of battle was cut short after members of the United Kingdom’s royal fellowship of heralds and criers published newes of the blood royal’s whereabouts in dark Afghanistan.

Nothing daunted, the prince will again mount his duraluminium steed and set forth to slay the unbelievers, armed only with his strong right arm and his abiding faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. Plus Sidewinder and Hellfire missiles, 70mm Hydra 70 rockets and a 30mm auto-cannon.

Your humble correspondent believes that Harry’s greatest weapon (ha!) is the British Army’s sensible attitude toward the use of intoxicants as a morale-builder and battlefield stress reliever. We personally sought out any and all contact with British troops when we were Down Range, and may have even sneaked into one or more of their pubs, despite dire warnings of punishment for same. The Taliban and American troops are twins in their shunning of the demon rum, which is why the terrorists have already won.

The Queen is said to be pleased about her grandson’s heroic leadership, mainly because it decreases the odds of any royal bastards popping up for the next six months or so. [CNN]

Related

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

231 comments

  1. ttommyunger

    On the other hand, the Brit's opinion of US Troops on their soil: "The problem with the Yanks is threefold: they're overpaid, oversexed and over here."

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      "When the Germans shoot, the allies duck. When the British shoot, the Germans duck. When the Americans shoot, everybody ducks"

    2. Boojum

      That seems to be a largely universal opinion of the American Imperial Occupation. I imagine the Roman legions provoked a similar reaction.

        1. Negropolis

          We shall kill them in Afghanistan, we shall kill them on the seas and oceans, we shall kill them with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall kill them on the beaches, we shall kill them on the landing grounds, we shall kill them in the fields and in the streets, we shall killthem in the hills; we shall never surrender…! Huzzah!

    1. OkieDokieDog

      Damnit. You beat me to the ginger ref. I got distracted checking out the 1st question on the poll over there.

  2. RRoccoco

    Bloody 'ell! Double grog all around! The English, the English, the English are best, so up with the English, down with the rest!

    I saw that in a movie. I'd never actually put water in rum.

  3. Tequila Mockingbird

    You know, the Brits could take a lesson from the French on how to rid themselves of their royalty problems.

    1. RALitherland

      We beat them to regicide by a gross of years. Trouble is, when Ollie kicked it, we gave a collective shrug and invited the bugger's son back. We just can't be arsed to do the job properly.

    2. BigoBangoBongo

      The problem with that is, the English will NEVER take a lesson from Johnny Frog, no matter how sensible it is, what?

      You can't trust a country that has 229 different kinds of cheese.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    Hey if someone sent me off to war then I'd spend my leave before heading off to the Danger Zone (TM Kenny Loggins) running around Vegas tearing up the place, chasing women, getting caught with my dick out and making a drunken ass of myself too.

    This is probably the most human I've seen a royal in a long time.

      1. kittensdontlie

        When I think back on all the crap I've learned in high school
        It's a wonder I can think at all
        And though my lack of education hasn't hurt me none
        I can read the writing on the wall

        Kodachrome, they give us those nice bright colors
        Gives those greens of summers
        They make you think that all the world's a sunny day

        (Paul Simon lyrics recalling his fundie education.)

          1. Biel_ze_Bubba

            It will look nicely saturated and all on the screen, but when it comes to printing it out, you're going to be "Oh, wait…"

            Mess up a $20 sheet of Fujiflex hg, and you'll really start missing the original products!

          2. James Michael Curley

            I haven’t started to explore serious printing as I don’t have a serious printer. It was only four years ago that I bought the Fujifilm HS-10 because I could no longer get anyone to fix my old Topcon.

        1. tessiee

          My senior year of high school, there was a meeting about our graduation ceremony. Among other questions raised was that of what song the graduates should sing. I suggested "Kodachrome". The faculty advisor was not amused.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      The way the story was reported, though, is that he acted out like this to get approval to go back to Af-Pak, sorta as a form of blackmail.

      Either way, though, being upset with a 20 something for going on a spree like this is weird to me – who among us wouldn't do this kinda shit if we had the money he does at that age? Okay, Mitt Romney not included.

    2. Toomush_Infer

      Unless, of course, you've got it backwards, and it was running around Vegas that got him sent back there by the grand Mum in the first place…..y'know, out of harm's way….

      1. new_pic_for_NEWTer

        Couldn't have been full Archer… no dead hookers rolled up in carpets, and I saw nary a turtleneck.

  5. vodkamuppet

    let's just hope the next time we see him naked it's not with a burlap sack over his head on Al Jazeera.

    1. Arborista

      If the Taliban get hold of him, he'll be lucky if they leave him his head for wearing a burlap sack…

    2. Boojum

      Yes, let's hope. The Brits have nukes and a long history of bloody mindedness when it comes to uppity wogs or people getting handsy with their symbols.

  6. sbj1964

    Harry personal effects:1 crushed velvet jacket,1 lace ascot,1 male symbol pendent,1 penis pump,and 1 case of lifestyles condoms.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      That's not mine, man. That really isn't my thing.

      1 book, "Swedish penis pumps are my thing" by HRH Harry Clarence (or whatever the hell his made up last name/title is).

  7. FannyBurney

    To be strictly accurate, he probably wasn't cavorting with any maidens. Nymphs, yes. Satyrs, yes. Maidens? Ehhhh…probably not too many hymens in evidence at that particular frolic.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      There is, indeed, plenty of poofery in the royal family, but Harry, son of Diana and Who-Knows-For-Sure, isn't of that ilk. If you've seen any photos of the girls he's chased … those aren't wimmins a gay boy would choose for a beard. Think Jessica Simpson in her better days.

      1. FannyBurney

        A maiden is a virgin. I was saying that there probably weren't any virgins at that particular frolic. There was no suggestion that Harry is gay.

  8. Lucidamente1

    Of course, when photos surface of a naked, pissed Prince Harry taking a leak on the Koran, things will go even better than they are now.

  9. LibertyLover

    "Cry havoc! and let slip the dogs of war, that this foul deed shall smell above the earth with carrion men, groaning for burial."

      1. James Michael Curley

        "to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee" Khan, Star Trek II; The Wrath of Khan.

        1. Warwhatgoodfor

          Uh, If that quote actually appeared in The Wrath of Khan, it was stolen word for word from Ahab's last curse as he plunged his harpoon repeatedly into Moby Dick. Of course, you could say that Harry was doing pretty much the same thing as Ahab while he was in Vegas. Just to set the record as straight as old Harry's harpoon, as it were

          1. James Michael Curley

            I would have to review the movie to be certain whether ‘to the last I grapple with thee’ is quoted correctly but I’m pretty sure the rest is. I just finished rereading Moby Dick last winter on a device where I could also listen to an audio book of it. Years ago I compiled a bunch of Star Trek/Shakespeare references in the hopes my son would become more interested in Willie. Alas, I asked him last night and he doesn’t remember where he put the CD. Having Patrick Stewart as Captain Picard probably contributed to the proliferation of Shakespearian imagery as Patrick Stewart was in at least three of the Jonathan Miller set of plays.

      1. tessiee

        Just because Rafalca is a good dancer doesn't mean she's not brave. Didn't they dope her up to the eyeballs so that she could compete in the Olympics despite being in intense pain?

  10. Pragmatist2

    The Royal Family is tough. You screw around in Vegas and they send you into a war zone and then announce your location.

      1. TribecaMike

        I was very impressed by her going to Ireland, both The Real One and Ulster, this year. At one state dinner she opened her speech in Gaelic, which makes me smile just thinking about. The rest of the royals can go to heck.

        1. Negropolis

          Meh. I was a bit peeved by her speech which basically went "Both sides did this; so let's all be friends. We cool?" That'd be all well and good, say, if there weren't still two Irelands. Its's kind of easy to say what she said when you're still in possession of a chunk of the place you're visiting. I hate to step on toes, here, but I think we need to be more honest about the situation.

          1. TribecaMike

            I see whatcha mean, and it was a totally symbolic visit, but in my opinion it was good symbolism. Most Irish and Brits north and south of the border got sick of the violent doctrinaire political shite of both sides years ago. I have younger Northern Irish Protestant friends (regular working folks) who consider themselves Irish, and couldn't care less if the island became "one nation once again" (like I totally believe that). I also have friends in the Republic (there's those regular working folks again) who wonder what the point of the Civil War was if it just brought Eire decades of a reactionary Catholic political and cultural clamp-down.

            Of course I'm oversimplifying the situation, but it is more complicated than simply saying "Brits Out!" I'd prefer we were bending elbows at a bar somewhere and sussing this out. I'm a much better talker than typist. (The 9/13 NYC Wonkette sot symposium would be perfect for me, though I'm not 100% sure I'll be in town.)

            As for stepping on toes, we're talking Ireland here. That's unavoidable.

          2. Biel_ze_Bubba

            The goal, I think, is just to get the Irish to stop murdering one another for a few generations. The theory being that people not yet born will, perhaps, be able to get along. Whether or not they can carry a grudge for ten generations, à la the Balkans, remains to be seen.

          3. Warwhatgoodfor

            Ten generations is chicken feed. The f**king Brits owned Ireland lock stock, and barrell for roughly 700 years. My wife is totall Irish. Her people in Mass were actively involved in gun running during the troubles. She herself loaths the Brits with every pice of DNA in her body.
            We have visited her cousin and other relatives who live in Galway city, west of the Shannon, where the famine was the worst. Once you drive out of the city there are still deserted falling apart farm houses and outbuildings everywhere. On the surface the relatives act as tho they don't really care, but bringing up anything about the North or Michael Collins is an absolute no-no.

          4. Biel_ze_Bubba

            I've been to Galway (still have the mandatory sweater) — my ex is Irish (County Cork, via Newfoundland.) It is hard to imagine the misery that produced all that picturesque scenery.

          5. Negropolis

            I'm sure they would, and I've said for as long as I can remember that I don't begrudge any native people's for being pissed for being colonized and/or exterminated, so you're not going to get me, there. You know, they accuse our president of being anti-colonialist (as if it's a bad thing, lol), well, I actually am. I'm that guy. I don't care if it's Israel, North America, Liberia, wherever, all distinctly different situations but with some very basic and fundamental similarities. I luvs me some British culture, but the history is far, far from blemish free.

          6. Biel_ze_Bubba

            I wonder if anyone's history is "blemish free". It would have to be some tribe so remote that they didn't have neighbors to beat on.

          7. Negropolis

            No society is blemish free, though, I think you're missing the point. What I'm seeing is a lot of straw men and red herrings starting to litter this space, so I'll let what I said stand on its own.

  11. AlterNewt

    My dearest Imogene,

    You will recall that when I first arrived here at the consulate some months ago, I told you my unfortunate predecessor had been deep into the bottle and spending an unseemly amount of time on a cheeky American site called 'Wonkette' , of all things.

    Well, today they are banging on about Harry and his antics, as well as his being packed off to Afghanistan and they are quite funny about the whole thing.

    Still no word on the F.O. inquiry into what might have caused my predecessor to crack up the way he did. The staff here in Los Angeles say that he was usually pissed by noon and could be heard cackling through the office door; inexplicably shouting out "BALLS!" or picking up the the inter-office phone to call someone a "skull fucker". Very odd. Very sad. Eventually it will all get sorted.

    Hug the children for me.

    Yours,
    Reg

      1. Fukui-sanYesOta

        Heh, I heard people making jokes about it on the day it happened.

        Just before the big funeral, I was due to go to a wedding on the same day, and was in some store trying to buy a card. I remarked "I can't wait until this shit on Saturday is over so we can go and drink some champagne"

        Several people would have killed me if the looks were anything to go by.

        1. vodkamuppet

          That's so weird, I had almost the exact same thing happen when JFK jr crashed his plane. Stopped at a target on our way to a wedding and we were bitching about how stupid our friend was for getting us lost in the rain and we were missing the open bar. "What kind of fucking idiot gets lost like that?" We had no idea why everyone was glaring at us and we were paranoid as hell because, of course, we were high.

  12. sewollef

    I love Americans when they get all olde English on us. Despite the poor spelling and bad grammar.

    At least you spelled Aluminium correctly this time, Major Major.

      1. tessiee

        Old joke:

        The guy walking toward the brothel? He's Russian.
        The guy leaving the brothel? He's Finnish.
        The guy IN the brothel? Himalayan.

    1. Negropolis

      Have you seen the spelling throughout the empire in early modern English? You sometimes have the exact same word spelled three different ways in a single page of writing. lol

      1. sewollef

        Spelling throughout history English has been seriously entertaining…. that's the fun [for me] of the difference in spelling of center/centre, humor/humour, neighborhood/neighbourhood, tyre/tire, etc, etc. When I type, the auto correction on my Mac constantly wants to change the hundreds of spelling differences between English and American English, since I bought it here in NYC.

        Damn, I have my great grandfather's birth certificate in which his [and my] surname is spelled one way, and on his death certificate another way. Even Shakespeare's name has been spelled differently — by Shakspeere. That was the fun, spelling was a suggestion rather than an edict.

        I read once — in Bill Bryson's book Mother Tongue — that the city of Chicago has been spelled something like 14 different ways before the current spelling.

        I love orthography and the English ability to constantly change their/our language, and how significantly it's changed in a few short centuries.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I don't suppose he explained how he can cut taxes, spend additional billions on the Pentagon, and erase the deficit, all at the same time. Mittens was wise to ignore the math and yammer about God instead, because God only knows how it could be done.

    2. Toomush_Infer

      Once again, he's talking about the Mormon God (trademark stamp that I can't get the hang of), bought and paid for by and for Mormons….it's like the HeMan No Gurlz Allowd Club….

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          1. Get a Mac™.
          2. Copy the thing, and stash it somewhere.
          3. In MS Word, type (TM) and hit the spacebar. Copy & paste.

    3. tessiee

      Yeah, go ahead, make fun. When we're down to shaking pennies out from between the couch cushions, we'll all be really glad they still say "In God we Trust" on them.

    4. Negropolis

      Okay, I think this is the point at which Romney has decided he's already loss the election, so he's just going to go full-petty, now.

    1. kittensdontlie

      It's a slow news day, today,…oh sure Mutt Rameney has surely done dopey things today, but how can we keep our comments sharp on such a dull object?!

    1. James Michael Curley

      Is there no one in that entire country who can tell the Queen her myriad of pastel coloured outfits are becoming parodies of themselves.

    1. TribecaMike

      "I'm very pleased that people got to know me better, because I'm a narcissist and that's how we roll."

    2. BlueStateLibel

      He's also using the "Obama will take In God we Trust" off of coins. Boy, that's a winning strategy right there…must be pretty desperate this point.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Even worse, I don't think he is saying that Obama will take IGwT off the coins. He's just stating firmly and clearly that he, Mitt Romney, will not do so. Dammit, a man's got to draw a line.

        Perhaps he should also announce that if elected president, he will not bomb the Daytona 500.

          1. Chichikovovich

            Really? The Daytona 500?? Bomb it?? I wouldn't have believed it for a moment if it weren't coming from a reliable source like you, johnnyz, but damn. Tabarnak.

            That Obama, I mean, geez louise.

  13. Chichikovovich

    Despite the recent high-profile embarrassment, the Royal Family is quite supportive of Harry's return to Afghanistan. Indeed, they put in a special request that he be put in command of Her Majesty's 44th Foot at Gandamak.

  14. nobodyssweetheart

    I'm offended that the US media has demoted so much attention to this royal halfwit.

    We 'merkins reject royalty; we're a meritocracy — celebrate our halfwits who got there by their own lack of ability.

  15. BlueStateLibel

    Can't the Queen just exile him to some desolate, miserable place full of savages, like say Arizona?

    1. LibertyLover

      Hey, Hey Hey!!! Some of us have to live here! I'd say we were half full of savages, but I'm a half-full kinda person. ;-)

    2. Jukesgrrl

      Any Brit who actually spent two months in Gila Bend and Yuma, AZ, AND El Centro, CA (the place that spawned Cher), deserves some kind of medal. According to the AZ Republic, "The training in desert conditions is designed to prepare pilots for deployment to Afghanistan." And as if that wasn't enough of a shock to a royal system, he stayed at the Best Western Space Age Lodge. You gotta see it to believe it:
      http://book.bestwestern.com/bestwestern/US/AZ/Gil

      1. fartknocker

        I saw that hotel when I was out near Gila Bend on business inspecting a anhydrous ammonia installation for a large farm about 8 miles from that town. That is one butt ugly place. I was staying in Phoenix and traveled out to the site daily and that was some butt ugly country. The town has a DQ and stopped there on the last day and asked for an ice cream cone. They were out of ice cream. Kinda ironic but it matched Gila Bend. I see why the State of Arizona built a prison near there.

          1. fartknocker

            Juke

            It was someone that lived 60 years before us and never considered the phrase "agribusiness." I would think that if you live in PHX and drive to San Diego, you make sure you have a full tank of gasoline, stop in Yuma to make sure you still have enough gasoline, and then drive past El Centro and over the mountains before seeing San Diego and think your free.

            The San Diego ocean breeze is addictive. I've made that drive during the day and night with some Phoenix FD compadres and I was nervous. That's so unfriendly terrain and folks.

          2. Jukesgrrl

            I drive from Tucson to North County San Diego a lot.My car gets great gas mileage but it only holds about 9 gallons of gas.I HAVE to stop twice even if I fill to the brim before I leave.It always a pain to decide which two of the the three awful choices is the best.Certainly Yuma has the “best” amenities, comparably speaking, but for the past two years it's been a road construction nightmare.So I end up stopping in GB and EC even just gas is too much time spent there.I do enjoy seeing the dunes and those crazy rocks right before the Cleveland National Forest.But don't drive there in fog!

  16. TribecaMike

    I didn't expect him to become a research librarian. The training is way too rigorous and he'd only get lost in the stacks.

  17. doloras

    The whole point of a monarchy is a warrior aristocracy. If they don't join the Armed Forces (even Her Maj drove an ambulance in WW2), their mystical connexion to the tribal gods would be severed and they'd have to be burned alive.

    1. tessiee

      "Her Maj drove an ambulance in WW2"

      Now I'm picturing Hitler cringing and begging for mercy as Elizabeth (wearing a tiara) repeatedly whales on him with that big pocketbook she always carries.

    1. TribecaMike

      He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
      Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd

      Tip-toe. Tee hee.

      1. TribecaMike

        He's the anti-Val Kilmer. Well, the Val Kilmer of olde. The rest of his face finally caught up with his lips.

  18. Negropolis

    OT: CNN's Don Lemon is being a total dick to Debbie Wasserman Schultz, right now, over Israel. WTF is wrong with him? He even just admitted that he'd crossed a line in getting too personal with some accusations he seemed to have made.

    That's why people hate the media: starting shit just to start shit.

      1. Negropolis

        About the whole Democratic platform debacle over Israel at the convention. He was basically questioning her commitment to Israel, which, as you know is about the the most horrible thing you can be accused of in American politics. Debbie was pissed.

        Personally, I wish everyone could be more candid about this, but for Don to accuse a (hawkish) Jewish congresswoman of not being sufficiently pro-Israel was offensive in just how ridiculous the accusation was.

        BTW, the entire issue is a joke because everyone knows it's always been American policy, in practice, that Jerusalem is a special case until it's worked out. Its' why we have our freakin' embassy in Tel Aviv for goodness sake.

  19. BarackMyWorld

    Here's what I'll say about this:
    Say what you will about his partying, but the dude is 3rd in line for his nation's crown and he's putting himself in a dangerous combat situation instead of using his family influence or some other bullshit excuse to get out of serving.

    1. Negropolis

      Given his family's background, even that just of his immediate extended family, wouldn't have been more odd had he nott signed up for military duty? Hell, even Prince Andrew served in the military.

      1. sewollef

        The weird thing, it's not even guaranteed anymore that 'the Royals' are even conservative. I wouldn't go so far as to say they are socialist, more like Liberal-Democrats [the coalition partner in the British government].

        But since the Queen cannot vote and has instructed her family NOT to vote [all true], I guess we'll never know.

  20. Arborista

    Now that we’re alone we can talk prince man to man
    though you lie on the stairs and see no more than a dead ant,
    nothing but black sun with broken rays
    I could never think of your hands without smiling
    and now that they lie on the stone like fallen nests
    they are as a defenseless as before. The end is exactly this,
    The hands lie apart The sword lies apart The head apart
    and the knight’s feet in soft slippers…

  21. TribecaMike

    Someone had blunder'd:
    Theirs not to make reply,
    Theirs not to reason why,
    Theirs but to do and die:
    Into the valley of Death
    Rode the six hundred
    While Willie took tea.

    1. sewollef

      As another Brit at Wonkette Central, I'll be substitute for LL when she's indisposed.

      And by the way, almost ALL Brits are probably related through some old whoring aristocrat from 1,000 years ago…. so Harry could be LL's cousin [1200 times removed].

  22. StillGoinGreen

    Just a few short weeks ago
    me cock was happily swingin
    But now these flappin chopper blades
    got me fucking ears a ringin!

    Prince Gingerpubes
    Somewhere in Afghanistan

  23. TribecaMike

    A great and glorious thing it is
    To learn, for seven years or so,
    The Lord knows what of that and this,
    Ere reckoned fit to face the foe —
    The flying bullet down the Pass,
    That whistles clear: "All flesh is grass."

    – Rudyard Kipling, Arithmetic on the Frontier

    1. TribecaMike

      Sounds like Mitten's pretty much given up on the indie vote and is scared shitless that a sizeable number of wackjob basers won't bother voting in November. And who can blame them, bless their hearts?

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Even if the nutters come out in force, there aren't enough of them to win it for Mitt, so his relentless pandering to the base strikes me as self-defeating. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

  24. christianmuslin

    Keeping it in perspective: Given the choice, I would take one Prince Harry over two George Bushes any day!

  25. MozakiBlocks

    Prince Harry serving in the military, Beau Biden served in Iraq, three of John McCain's sons served, even Sarah Palin's son served.

    We're waiting Romney sons

  26. Manhattan123

    I wonder if the Brit army camp is near the US army camp over there. He might bump into one of Mitt Romney's strapping young sons….oh, wait.

  27. BigoBangoBongo

    Speaking as a Brit, this may be the time to point out that he probably isn't a royal anyway.

    The similarity between him and Mr James Hewitt is somewhat striking, the little ginger bastard.

Comments are closed.