Satan 2012!Happy Sunday, everyone! Except those of you who are Democrats, because you obviously hate God so much you will boo His name. You do you not get a happy Sunday, and you will only get one when you pray more — the jig is up, heathens, and the Washington Times is onto you.

We know they are onto you because they wrote about it the other day. While some of the most prominent politicians in America were giving “speeches” and such at the DNC, the Times was intrepidly hanging out in the Charlotte Convention Center’s prayer room, where you didn’t notice them because none of you pray, ever.

A dormitory-room-sized box made of album-thin white plastic panels and silver aluminum framing, the room contains 16 banquet chairs, which largely have remained unoccupied over the course of the week.
During a two-hour-plus stretch Thursday afternoon, the room’s sole inhabitants were a newspaper advertorial insert, a promotional card for American Muslim Alliance Foundation policy seminars and, briefly, two delegates from North Dakota.


But hey, North Dakotans, you’re back in on the Have A Happy Sunday Train. Good job being religious.

“I’m here to pray,” said one of the delegates, who declined to give his name — and then spent most of his abbreviated time in the room conversing with his colleague.

WE TAKE IT ALL BACK. Unless your “colleague” was Jesus, you are definitely not religious enough to be trusted to make decisions. Shame be on you. The only person who is Good Enough for the Times is a guy who for some reason wouldn’t talk to the photographer who was in the prayer room taking pictures of him while he tried to pray.

The real religion, you see, was outside the convention, where they put the Republicans:

A white-haired man with a Santa Claus beard carried a person-sized wooden cross. Another bearded man — looking like a missing member of rock band ZZ Top — was “playing guitar for Jesus.”

A pair of pro-life activists propped up giant placards decorated with photos of aborted fetuses and lambasted passers-by through a portable loudspeaker system.

“In America, we are surrounded by enemies,” the protester shouted, his words backed by soft church music. “The Democrat Party is wicked.”

Wicked, the lot of you! And, though the article does admit “it’s probably a mistake to read too much into the symbolism of the oft-empty prayer room,” how doth it closeth?

Back at the convention center prayer room, a delegate who declined to give her name — she works for the federal government — entered, sat down and thumbed her smartphone.

“This is great, a quiet place, all I need,” she said. “I was raised Catholic, but I don’t practice the faith. God is God. That’s it. The distraction of ‘my God is better than your God’ isn’t good.

“God is where you find him or her. I came in here to get in touch with that.”

The woman’s phone buzzed. She returned to checking her email.

Well, it’s settled. Everybody’s going to hell.

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  • the jig is up, heathens, and the Washington Times is onto you.

    This is the lead sentence in the Washington Times story on the President's lead in the most recent national polls.

    • bfstevie

      None of us pray? You are wrong, Rich Abdill, if that is even your real name. Some of us pray to SATAN.

      "…if there is an afterlife, and I have anything to say about it, I will unreservedly choose to go to hell." — Saul Alinsky

      • RadioX

        I thought Alinsky was in the sole purview of RWNJ's.

        • LibertyLover

          You know, I have been a liberal almost all of my life and Dammit! I don't know who the F*ck Saul Alinsky is…

          To the Google >>>>>>>>>>

          • Butch_Wagstaff

            That means you've been a very bad liberal Socialist Satanist.

          • It's more incredible that you have not bothered to look him up since the wingnuts started making him a big issue 5 years ago than that you never heard of him before that.

          • LibertyLover

            Actually, after my visit to Google today, I had read about him before, as I recall after Newtie invoked his name in the Republican Debates. I just didn't remember…

          • Lascauxcaveman

            I've never bothered to look him up either, because if the wingnuts are constantly evoking his name; then it just goes to follow he either doesn't actually exist or is some cipher, symbol or insignificant also-was that they're trying to puff up into some big boogeyman.

            No offense, Saul (if you actually exist), but this is how they operate. If they're making a big deal about you, the there's just not much reliable data available.

          • Sticking your fingers in your ears and singing is not the best way to refute rightwingers. Kind of sounds like something they would do.

          • LibertyLover

            I did learn a few things about Alinsky today one of the main things being:
            "He feared the middle class could be driven to a right-wing viewpoint, "making them ripe for the plucking by some guy on horseback promising a return to the vanished verities of yesterday."

            Looks like he was very aware of the way things were going…

      • Callyson

        By now, I'm pretty sure God is sick and tired of my hourly (is there such a thing as minute-ly?) prayers that Obama gets re-elected…

        • NellCote71

          I wonder if it works only if you pray in the white album room as described in the article?

    • NYNYNYjr

      When you say 'God', are you referring to the recently ascended avatar Sun Moon Christ, leader of the Washington Times?

      Because if you aren't, I'll eat your face.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    Ave Nokia.

  • gullywompr

    They should have gone to the orgy room – lots of "Oh God!" shouts in there…

    • gullywompr

      Sorry, that was too easy.

    • Rotundo_

      And they coulda got an exclusive interview with the big dog as he was getting off. Damn, I went with the obvious easy too.

    • Actually, in the Democratic orgy room, you tend to get a lot of "By the goddess!" or "Hail Satans!" In the Republican orgy rooms, you get more "You can't tell anyone about this, especially my wife."

      • BerkeleyBear

        If it is a Romney orgy, there's no talking – money is very good about being quiet no matter how badly it is being savaged.

        • Stevola

          Romney orgys are held in quiet rooms

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Asari lover! Just get on with your Mindless Self Indulgence.

        • Shut me up! You'll Rebel To Anything.

      • SpeedoFart

        Nah, us godless heathens are known to shout "OH DARWIN!". Just to piss off the Republican base, natch.

    • I'd love to set up a hidden camera in the washrooms at WasTim and tape all the onanism that goes on there, the heathens.

      I bet Dong Moon Joo is responsible for a few Holocausts by himself.

    • GhostBuggy

      Lots of snake-handling also, if you get my drift.

  • “God is where you find him or her. I came in here to get in touch with that.”

    The woman’s phone buzzed. She returned to checking her email.

    Clearly not a Demoncrat since they all have Lucifer on speed-dial.

  • Boojum

    Perhaps the stench of sulfur from the WT people — or the PHOTOGRAPHER — made people nervous.

  • MiniMencken

    Meanwhile, the Rev. Sun Myung Moon is still dead.

    • Rotundo_

      And I suspect he was mighty surprised when the white light faded and it all went black.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'm surprised, actually, that they're going to leave him that way, when there's so much mischief (and money) to be made from his reincarnation. I say it's even money that they're searching right now for someone to play that role.

      • Rotundo_

        Pick random pregnant (or impregnate) Korean girl, bribe well and suddenly a miracle will happen. Wait for it in 3…2…1…

        HE IS RIZZEN!!!11!!!

        Or maybe they'll clone the original

        • tessiee

          Or dress up somebody who sorta looks like him, because who would know the difference?

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      We're going to need a status report, as three days have have elapsed.

    • TribecaMike

      That's a good thing, but I'll bet he figured out a way to take much of his ill-gotten gains with him.

    • UW8316154

      yes, yes…but what about Breitbart?

    • Terry

      Pity the poor Wash Times editors. Since the founding of the paper, they've gotten their guidance from Rev Moon. Will the Unification Church keep telling what to push or will the editors be forced to think for themselves?

    • lulzmonger

      Moon = Breitbart's new boyfriend?

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate … WITH VOTES!

    • tessiee

      David Bugnon painting of Moon wearing a suit of armor in 5…

  • ChernobylSoup

    Just think of the electoral margin if the rapture happens before November. Big win.

    • Isyaignert

      It's a really nice thought, but even my fundie, rapture-luving, right-winged mom isn't voting for Rmoney because, well, he's a Moron, oops I meant a Mormon. The rapture folks don't cotton to the Mormons.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Have A Happy Sunday Train

    of things

  • ChernobylSoup

    Siri, where is God?

    Sorry. I cannot find "very sod." Would you like me to search the Internet for "very sod?"

    • Siri, where is God?

      Steve Jobs is in a much better place now.

    • tessiee

      So I googled "very sod", and the first thing that came up was "Life in a Sod House", which I thought sounded rather "litte house on the prairie"-ish.

      • ChernobylSoup

        Ha. I tried to imagine what Siri would come up with based on past experience with her voice recognition abilities. Very sod indeed.

  • OMG!
    What fevered idiot-brain came up with that stupid illustration?
    ("Pro-Racist?!" Whatever.)

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      They forgot "Pro-RFID chip Implants in Humans".
      No, seriously, Obama's going to force everyone to get one in 2013 because of Obamacare!
      I saw it posted on someone's newsfeed on FB so it must be true!
      I "unsubscribed" from them, obviously.
      Fevered-idiot brains abound.

    • Callyson

      The illustration probably comes from one of the trolls on HuffyPo who accuses liberals of being the real racists whenever we point out one of their racist acts. The same twisted logic that says that anyone who wants to discuss racial issues is just trying to stir up trouble.

      • Save your energy, commenting on HuffyPo was a lost cause years ago.

        • Callyson

          I know, I know, but HuffyPo still has some writers and commenters I like. Though I generally don't bother to get into arguments with the trolls anymore, at least not since hearing that some of the wingnuts might actually be getting paid to make their idiotic remarks. (It is SO nice to come to Wonkette and not have to deal with their ignorant asses…)

      • tessiee

        "one of the trolls on HuffyPo who accuses liberals of being the real racists "

        I thought blah people were supposed to be the REAL racists, because of affirmative action or some such shit.

    • What?

      Satan's Choice is GREAT coffee! You can really taste the brimstone. Also, chickory. Too.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Strong, but with a fleeting undercurrent of purgatory….

  • sbj1964

    Jesus was not a Republican.A communist maybe.A socialist more than likely according to the Bible.A Democrat? Well he did like riding donkeys over elephants,and liked to feed the poor,chide the rich,and hated bankers.

    • miss_grundy

      He also kicked the money lenders out of the temple….

      • Rouhula

        He befriended a tax collector. Also.

        • Negropolis

          And, he kept a bevy of whores around him for good measure. Also, he was big on sharing, so that definitely rules him out as a Republican.

    • SpeedoFart

      But he came not to bring peace, but a sword. Blue dog?

  • As I once told the smug fundie who accosted me on the subway about being a non-believer who is going to hell.

    "I'll see you there."

    Said with a knowing smile.

    Never seen a fundie run away that quickly.

    • Warwhatgoodfor

      Save me a seat.

    • Bezoar

      Mark Twain's take:

      "Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."

  • Thurman Munster IV

    The dems weren't booing God. They were Jewing God. It's all part of Barry's grand bargaining.

    • Ansnarkist

      Clearly, they were saying Boo-urns.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        I was saying Boo-urns.

  • Arkoday

    So the Jesus Freak plays guitar for Jesus, but it's the Dem lady inside who gets emails from god. Love it.

    • Barrelhse

      That Jesus freak could be playing a hell of a lot better if he'd only head down to the Crossroads. Just sayin'.

      • viennawoods13

        "Oh, son, for that you traded your everlasting soul? "
        "Well, I wasn't using it."

      • tessiee

        "My soul? Are you crazy? I'm not selling my soul! What can I get for a dollar?"

        Next panel: Disgruntled-looking musician holding up sign that says, "World's greatest bass player".

  • RadioX

    made of album-thin white plastic panels

    If you play the walls backward there is satanic messages.

    • Rotundo_

      "Reverend Moon is dead, miss him, miss him"
      "Reagan was the walrus"
      "The Moonie Times is full of shit."

  • larrykat

    Did there happen to be a "pimp" in a fur vest and big white sunglasses lurking around the outside of that prayer room?

    • LibertyLover

      Was Elton John at the DNC?

      • GemlikeFlame

        Well, O'Keefe can't travel, so more than likely yes.

  • I am so mad that Obama do or didn't did that!

  • GregComlish

    Another bearded man — looking like a missing member of rock band ZZ Top — was “playing guitar for Jesus.” …. “In America, we are surrounded by enemies,” the protester shouted, his words backed by soft church music. “The Democrat Party is wicked.”

    Wicked as in 'bad'? Or Wicked as in 'ZZ Top'?

    • Wicked as in Wilson Pickett.

    • Steverino247

      Every Jew ain't crazy 'bout that nailed up man!

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Maybe he was just waiting on the bus.

    • LibertyLover

      Wicked as in the Musical?

    • Arborista

      Bad as in 'bad'? Or bad as in Michael Jackson?

    • Barrelhse

      Wicked pissah!

      • tessiee

        Needs more Denise and Sully.

  • A white-haired man with a Santa Claus beard carried a person-sized wooden cross. Another bearded man — looking like a missing member of rock band ZZ Top — was “playing guitar for Jesus.”

    A pair of pro-life activists propped up giant placards decorated with photos of aborted fetuses and lambasted passers-by through a portable loudspeaker system.

    It seems to me that the Washington Times' lazy asses covered the convention by monitoring Wonkette posts.

    • One_Man_Band

      Their formerly top-notch journalism has quickly gone downhill since Rev. Moon died.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        What do you mean "since" he died? I thought it was always shit.

        • One_Man_Band

          The use of irony to mock or convey contempt.

      • jqheywood

        No, no….that's top SCOTCH journalism. Like meebe Macallen or Knockando.

    • LibertyLover

      Maybe they got the tip from Dave Wiegel…

    • montreal_bruin

      And saying white-haired man carried a cross is bullshit. Fucker WHEELED that cross.

  • Google-image "Obama Satan" and see the full range of Wingnut Infantile Fantasy.

    • The hits when Googling "Jimi Hendrix God" are much more reassuring.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Clapton libel!

        • Swampgas_Man

          So help us Mick Foley!

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    I don't know where you found that image, but the mark of the beast on the forehead was a subtle touch.

    • tessiee

      As was the "666" button on the lapel, where the flag pin should be.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Well, that was about as subtle as a 747.

    • Ruhe

      But if Barry does have the mark then it's a done deal right? I mean, he'll rule and there's nothing these wack-jobs and their "tribulation force" can do about it so why not just relax, pick up a six pack and find some porn to your liking on the internets? Once Jeebus returns we'll all say we're sorry.

  • Hera Sent Me

    So when he should have been sitting shiva for his owner/Jesus' kid brother, Sun Myung Moon, this Washington Times reporter was crassly working instead?

    For shame.

    • James Michael Curley

      Sitting shiva is the only way you can find a half way decent salt bagel even in NYC.

      • jqheywood

        There is a great bagel shop in Forest Hills (near the LIRR station) that has a salt bagel to die for….mmmm…..still hot & with a schmear of scallion cream cheese….great, now I'm hungry and 250 miles from said bagel shop….

        • James Michael Curley

          That faddish, cultish drive to health being pursued by boomers is what killed the salt bagel according to a guy at Zabars a few months ago. The cost of high blood pressure medications helped I’m sure. I got an everything bagel with a slice of lox and a schmear that was not only to die for but to kill for.

  • Guppy

    Happy Sunday, everyone!

    That reminds me: even the atheist Muslim Mexicans know that the days of the weekend are called "Sabbath" and "Lord's Day." Why is Real America™ still worshiping the sun and planets?

    • Arborista

      They worship the Sun of God. What are you, some kind of spelling dictator?

      • I wish I had extra p for both of you heathens.

        • Arborista

          Maybe you should drink more beer?

        • Charlie_Foxtrot

          Spun of God?
          Puns of God?
          Guns of Pod?

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            God damned pAtheists!
            pAgnostic might work.
            Protestant already has a p.
            pCatholic is hard to pronounce.
            pMormon you could pull off.
            pHindu could be kind of fun, imagine saying pShavisim.
            pShinto might remind people of a certain Ford product.
            pZoroastoran is right out.
            pBaalism just sounds dirty.
            pLoki brings to mind a Japanese arcade game.
            pHermes sounds like an STD.

  • Come here a minute

    Hell is a Republican in the White House.

    • That's only purgatory. Hell is when they also get both houses of Congress.

      • Charlie_Foxtrot

        When I die I'm going to heaven cuz I've already been through the Reagan and 2 Bush administrations.

        • That's how I know how bad it can be.

  • rocktonsam

    "I was raised Catholic but don't practice the faith."

    amen to that sister, just like regular catlicks

  • Obama looks hot.

    • Angry_Marmot

      Imagining Michelle dressed as one of Coop's devil girls.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Article doesn't mention that Santa's cross had wheels.

    • cheetojeebus

      the 'real' lord had bitchin' wheels with spinner hubcaps. 'cause that's how he rolls.

      • Fukui-sanYesOta

        Jesus built my hotrod.

        • I understand he spends most of his time at stock car races. The NASCAR people only THINK he's with them.

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          May your Ministry roll on. Preferably in a chair and a cowboy hat.

  • BarackMyWorld

    So I guess someone thought this election needed a religious argument?

    Yes, let's totally go there.

    Or maybe we can stick to issues elected officials and government actually is allowed to have some influence over?

    • "For me, the Pledge of Allegiance and placing our hand over our heart reminds us of the blood that was shed by our sons and daughters fighting for our liberty and sharing liberty with people around the world,"

      Ummm. Not his sons or daughters.

      • Arborista

        Well, he doesn't own them yet, but he's working on it…

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        I never knew liberty came in a 5.56×45mm format.

    • BlueStateLibel

      People living in glass houses shouldn't start religious arguments.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Given that the Moonster poured about a billion dollars into keeping the W.T. afloat, I wonder how much longer the conservatard rag will continue to exist.

    • Barrelhse

      There has been some recent talk about reviving the show "Family Feud" in order to follow the coming action.

  • Arkoday

    Prayer room? Times probably stalked the 'Player Room'. That's where all the (discrete) action is to be found at conventions.

    • Arborista

      Here come the playahs.. (in squeaky falsetto)

      • Skeleton robots have no need for religion.

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          They're already dead and gone into TV show and governor formats in California. So yeah, hell.

          • Arborista

            Geoffrey Peterson is governing California? Does Gov Moonbeam know about this?

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            Well, somebody had to replace the governator.

          • No more Govbots.Please.

  • kittensdontlie

    Instead of praying in some crappy convention room, maybe delegates sought out a more pleasing ambiance at an actual church….no, probably not, but stranger things have happened.

  • James Michael Curley

    It is a known fact that the Democratic National Convention killed the Rev. Moon!

    • NYNYNYjr

      It just broke his poor evil cultish heart, it did.

    • oenspiek

      It would be bad, mmkay, to say that it therefore has already done more good than most conventions ever accomplish.

  • Rotundo_

    But prayer is supposed to be a big showy production of an affair isn't it? Doesn't it have to be loudly displayed for all to see, preferrably on the teevee to be considered worthy of the Lord to hear? I thought you had to have some 50,000 seat house with stacks of amps and speakers and sophisticated lighting systems to properly pray. If you're making a joyful noise unto the Lord, doesn't one have to make a whole shitload of joyful noise?

    • Juan_Oriley

      Exactly! Isn't it well understood in the tenants of the "Prosperity Gospel" that Matthew 6 is sarcasm?

      • BlueStateLibel

        "He who prays best yells the loudest."

        • tessiee

          Ay-und al-so the per-son-uh who talks-uh in the most syl-lab-bles-uh.

          Or so I assume, because that's how all preachers talk.

      • Charlie_Foxtrot

        All true Christians know the real meaning of Scripture is in the loopholes. I mean, the whole point of being a Christian is that Jesus hates all the same people I hate, right?

        Just to be certain, a real true Christian takes Matthew 6 to the prudent extreme and avoids any practice of righteousness, giving to the needy, or fasting, at all, ever.

        • Juan_Oriley

          Seem as how I'm an ordained theologian by way of the fine folks at the Universal Life Church, I've had a good look at the gospel of Matthew. The proper translation of Mat 5:1 should read:1And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him: 2And he opened his mouth, and taught them, [i]sarcastically[/i]saying…

          • Charlie_Foxtrot

            So the cheesemakers aren't really blessed???

            I of course defer to your theological credentials. I'm sure you have the student loan defaults that demonstrate your expertise.

            Cheesemakers are going to hell!

          • Juan_Oriley

            I grew up in Minnesota so I can assure you that cheeseheads are devil spawn. Honestly though, if any of these christofacists read the sermon on the mount their heads would prolly explode.

          • Charlie_Foxtrot

            I'm from Chicago and know all about those cheeseheads from hell.

            So true about the sermon on the mount. Christofascists are clearly unfamiliar with it. Jesus lays out astonishingly radical agenda, shattering every social norm and turning every assumption of conventional wisdom inside out. I'm not sure any political movement has been as radical. The Romans and Sanhedrin didn't get together to crucify this guy because they thought he was too big a pussy — he scared the shit out of them.

            It's a lot less scary and more convenient to believe Jesus said "God helps those who help themselves"; "A penny saved is a penny earned"; and "Moderation in all things."

            The christofascists insist on a literal interpretation of what they think is, or should be, in the Bible.

          • tessiee


            if you were trying to turn italics on and off before "sarcastically", you should have surrounded the letter "i" with pointy brackets (above the comma and period), not square ones.

          • Juan_Oriley

            Ah, thanks Tessiee! I'll figure this crap out some day.

      • All the tenants have been evicted.

        • Negropolis

          Truly, the Sermon on the Mount has been foreclosed upon. Probably by BofA. Capernaum will never be the same. There goes the neighbrhood.

    • Isyaignert

      "…a whole shithoad of joyful noise… and lots of MONEY!!"

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Hypocrites, let's raise the roof!

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        And when you pray, you shall not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

  • SexySmurf

    OT Today there were a couple of wire stories about Mittens (look 'em up yourself: I ain't your damn search engine). One was about Rmoney praising certain parts of ObamaCare and another was about him promising he won't cut taxes for the wealthy. Did Governor White Horse get his ass kicked by the conventions so bad he decided the only way he can win is by becoming Obama lite (Obama white)? But it's not like Republicans have a hard time trusting him.

  • StealthMuslin

    Excellent glory holes in the Charlotte Convention Center Prayer Room. Top-notch, you bet.

  • Arborista

    OT: Friends, today is the 273rd anniversary of the Stono Rebellion. Just thought y'all might like to know…

    • How is Nicky Haley honoring her state's history? Lemme guess …

  • miss_grundy

    Uh….no……you can also do it quietly, you can do it in a church, or a park, you can do it while walking down the street, you can even do it on the subway or a bus. But to each his/her own…..

    • LibertyLover

      Can you do it in a box, Can you do it with a fox?

      • emmelemm

        Do I have to wear socks?

    • Negropolis

      You're missing the biting snark, Grundy.

  • OT: But Becca's gonna be pissed when she sees this pic of some biker chick sitting on Grampa Handsome's lap (and he looks like he's having way too much fun with it):

    And then this guy power-hugged Barack in a pizza joint:

    "So what did the Secret Service think about Van Duzer — a registered Republican who says he'll vote for Obama in November — hoisting the president? "He said I was all right as long as I didn't take him away," he told reporters."

    • Wow, Obama is looking around for the Secret Service like a wide receiver mauled by a free safety looking for the refs. "He's a Florida Republican, people, a little help please?!"

      A white, Republican small business owner who loves Obama?! Satan works in mysterious ways!

      • And the article says he voted for Obama in 2008, too. He say's he's a "big political person" and raced over from the driving range to hang out with Obama after he got a 40 minutes notice from the secret service.

        • Is he going to get as much publicity from FOX and the right wing organs as that Deadbeat Baker?

    • BlueStateLibel

      First photo: So I guess all those Onion stories about Biden are true …

      Second photo: Holy shit.

      • She liked his Trans-Am.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        That is some primo Easy Ridin Biden. Tell you what.

      • gullywompr

        Her boyfriends don't appear very amused. Or maybe they're just pissed that Joe's chopper (Sikorsky Sea King) is better than theirs.

        • AnAmericanInTO

          See, to me, the guy bikers look less pissed and more nervous, like they're holding or something, or wanted by the cops for beating up hippies.

    • Drudge Sirens!! Obama Attacks Small Business Owner

    • Arborista

      It is a thing now to pick up the Obamas:

    • Van Duzer is as big as a house, claims to bench 350 and seems to have a don't give a shit attitude. No one is going to tell him not to vote for the President (or anyone else).

    • Negropolis

      Sir, please put the president down. Thanks.

    • tessiee

      "OK, Mr. Van Duzer… Scott… Yes, that's very good… very impressive… But that's not what people mean when they say a Pick Up Artist."

  • This is actually a photo from the DC Drinky Thing last night

    • gullywompr

      This looks shopped. I can tell from some of the pixels and from seeing quite a few shops in my time.

      • I totes shopped myself out–that's why there's no green…caught me gullywompr!

        • gullywompr

          I tried shopping myself out once, but there were no buyers. Sad face.

          • Arborista

            Try telling the Romney campaign you're a registered voter, then name your price.

            Then vote however you want to…

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Hell is an old man and an empty chair.

    • or a political party full of old men and empty chairs.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Or other people in general.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    The DNC 'prayer room' is riddled with trap doors leading true believers down to holding pens for FEMA death camps.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    "Yeah, head down to the DNC prayer room and file us an investigative report. Pronto!"

    Washington Times has gotta stop hazing the new interns.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    There was a wheeled crucifix in the prayer room, but some ass-clown stole it.

  • OT: Joe Walsh is at it again on video, terrorizing frightened groups of people who were just going about their business at a diner into applauding his slut-shaming of Sandra Fluke:

    Note that the youngest woman in the room does not applaud, and the woman on the left only claps a couple of times under duress of her hulking, skinheaded husband.

    • Well, he's consistent. He doesn't want to pay for his own children or anyone else's non-children

  • One_Man_Band

    you obviously hate God so much you will boo His name.

    You can't hate what doesn't exist.

  • Veritas78

    Ya see, we set up a "quiet room" just like Romney says and we get slammed for it.

    You think God would have cut a deal with reporters snooping around? That's not how it goes down.

  • bikerlaureate

    Darn it, I completely missed every report from inside the RNC Prayeritorium.

    • gullywompr

      No you didn't, they declared the entire convention floor as a sacred space, so there.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    I need help interpreting this message. As well as some clue as to who sent it.

    • That's Jan Brewer's hot air hovering over Phoenix.

  • Snark aside, fuck all those My-God's-Better-Then-Your-God assholes.

  • Dashboard Buddha

    "Everybody’s going to hell."

    As Wonkette's advance man from hell, let me tell you that, while bad, it's not excruciating. Yes, there are the cubicles and you have to hector elderly widows who have fallen behind on their car payments. But the chairs aren't bad and the coffee is free. It's mediocre sure…but it's free. Oh, and the hot chocolate is free too, but it's made by Nestle. There are a few things this newly anointed denizen of hell won't eat.

  • mavenmaven

    Ah, but why didn't they stake out the synagogue?

  • MonkeyMotion

    If —
    1. heaven is full of narrow-minded, clueless, dumbfuck evangelicals, and
    2. it's ruled by a childish, vindictive, sadistic asshole god,

    Then please, please keep those gates of hell open for me.

    (And thanks Wonkette for making my day!)

    • Negropolis

      I'm not big on warm weather, but if they can get me an apartment in the upper reaches, you know, high above the Lake of Fire, I could abide.

  • TribecaMike

    "Yangtze River Runs Red." Cue the End Timers!

    • mavenmaven

      Call me when they are smitten with frogs.

    • Gawd is honoring Chairman Mao, dead on this date 36 yrs. ago.

  • OneYieldRegular

    If "In God We Trust" is coming off the coins, are they going to go up in value or down? I'm trying to plan my retirement strategy.

    • mavenmaven

      The repubs only trust in the Rand (Ayn and Kruger).

      • Fukui-sanYesOta

        From my accidental viewing of the Glenn Beck Paranoia Hour a while ago, they seem to trust in some kind of half-assed seed bank thing as well.

        • Don't tell me … the seeds are white.

    • anniegetyerfun

      What's a "coin"?

    • tessiee

      "If "In God We Trust" is coming off the coins, are they going to go up in value or down?"

      It doesn't really matter. After Obama removes "in God we trust" from the currency, Mittens will remove the currency from the 99%.

  • LibertyLover

    Well, it’s settled. Everybody’s going to hell.

    Well, ok then…

    From the Google:
    ALINSKY: … if there is an afterlife, and I have anything to say about it, I will unreservedly choose to go to hell.
    PLAYBOY: Why?
    ALINSKY: Hell would be heaven for me. All my life I've been with the have-nots. Over here, if you're a have-not, you're short of dough. If you're a have-not in hell, you're short of virtue. Once I get into hell, I'll start organizing the have-nots over there.
    PLAYBOY: Why them?
    ALINSKY: They're my kind of people.

  • LibrarianX

    What more is there to say?

    "The Washington Times is a daily broadsheet newspaper published in Washington, D.C., the capital of the United States. It was founded in 1982 by Unification Church founder Sun Myung Moon, and until 2010 was owned by News World Communications, an international media conglomerate associated with the church."

    • TribecaMike

      It was bought in 2010 by Sun Myung Moon and "a group of former Times editors." If I recall correctly, there was a spat between Moon and one of his sons, who was running the rag and supposedly wanted to turn it into a legit newspaper.

      • Thank heavens we were spared from that.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    I'm confused. Was this piece pro-religion or anti-religion, pro-Democrat or anti-Democrat? They found no religious people in the quiet room set aside for the Democrats so they went outside and found some religious crazy people protesting the Democrats. Who is that supposed to help or is it just a case of crack journalism?

    • tessiee

      I think it was just a case of cracked journalism, or possibly crackhead journalism.

  • UW8316154

    The unnamed pray-er looks like he is flipping off the photographer.

  • James Michael Curley

    Joe Biden, stone cold bad ass walks into a biker bar and cops a feel with some dudes seat cover.

    • JohnnyQuick

      This is going to fuel so many more Editrix posts, and so many more Onion reports! LOVE IT!

      ETA: While I was at University of Delaware, that dude would roll up every other month it seemed to give a speech or talk to the kids. I think those crazy Onion stories really are a look into his awesome soul.

    • DahBoner

      He's MACKing, Baby…

  • dahboner

    When Moonies pray, does it involve a car with rolled down windows???

  • DahBoner

    When the Moonies over st The Washington Times pray, I presume it involves speeding automobiles with windows rolled down halfway?

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Poetry it is.

  • christianmuslin

    Had they gone to the muslin prayer room they would have found the young soldiers praying and on their knees butt naked sipping vodka shots from the "cup" of the man in front of them. God is great, Glory be to God.

  • Sassomatic

    Not true. I pray Mitt Romney gets eaten by a swarm of rabid bees.

    Metaphorically, of course.

  • ttommyunger

    After you, Mothafuckahs!!!!

  • anniegetyerfun

    As usual, The Onion got there first.

    • Veritas78

      Thanks for getting my hopes up. But—a girl can dream, right?

    • tessiee

      Ten dollars to a fetus donut says that this has already been forwarded on the innertoobz as a serious story (like they did with the Harry Potter story).

      • anniegetyerfun

        I was thinking the same thing.

  • proudgrampa

    Crummy journalism.

    All you had to do in Charlotte was find a decent Italian restaurant (I'm sure you could have found at least one). Fellow pastafarians were praying to the Flying Spaghetti Monster. No empty prayer rooms, there!

    May you be touched by His Noodly Appendage.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      All you had to do in Charlotte was find a decent Italian restaurant

      There might have been an Olive Garden, I suppose.

      • proudgrampa

        Funny you mention that!

        My original version of the line was "find an Olive Garden," but I was afraid of getting criticized because no serious person thinks it's an Italian restaurant anymore.

        Oh, well.

    • TribecaMike

      Sounds more like Greensboro than Charlotte.

    • tessiee

      "All you had to do in Charlotte was find a decent Italian restaurant (I'm sure you could have found at least one)."

      If Chapel HIll doesn't have a decent Italian restaurant, it's a safe bet that Charlotte doesn't have one.

  • Negropolis

    Where's your god, now, Moonies? Oh, he dead? My bad.

  • Fuck deities — we're better off without them.

    • TribecaMike
      • Negropolis

        I am Spartacus! This. is. SPARTA!

      • Except they're both like the first picture, with the reply being "Of course you are Jim Jones, Sun Myung Moon, David Koresh, that crazy dude from Aum Shanrikyo, that crazy dude from the Hale-Bopp cult, Osama bin Laden, or whoever is the next crazy motherfucker to come along."

  • lulzmonger

    Prayer: (n.) – a spontaneous live dramedy performance whose popularity correlates wondrous well with its performer's proximity to impending doom.

  • Pro-Islamic Fascism = Has not talked Israel into putting all Palestinians in gas chambers.
    Pro-Gay = Has not executed anybody solely for being gay.
    Anti-Gun = Has not shot endangered animals from a helicopter with Ted Nugent on a daily basis.
    Anti-Christian = Has not forced the Smithsonian to create a creationist theme park.
    Pro-Abortion = Has not declared that masturbation is genocide against millions of living half-humans.
    Pro-Racist = Has not divorced Michele, even though she was once rumored in certain circles to have used the word "whitey" once.
    Anti-Tax Cut = Tax cuts for 95 percent of working families were just so he can feel a little extra thrill when he raises the tax rate for them all the way up to 100% next January.

  • tessiee

    You guys!
    Totally OT, but I have a feeling you guys will ike it:
    I just saw a commercial for a new Clint Eastwood movie that's about to come out. It's called "Trouble with the Curve", and if the commercial is any indication, he plays an old fart who is losing his marbles.
    No, I am NOT snarking.
    I say we all go and crack on the movie a la MST3K/Rocky Horror Picture Show, with the word "chair" figuring prominently in our comments.

    • MadBrahms

      Such ambition! Clint is moving on to talking at thousands of empty chairs at a time, given the likelihood of anyone going to see that film in theaters.

      I'll still MST on it when it hits Netflix, though. The entire opening credits sequence could consist of repeated names followed by "Nope. Didn't build that", etc, etc.

  • tessiee

    President Obama looks too handsome and friendly in that picture. They shoulda hired Jon McNaughton instead of trying to cheap out.

  • tessiee

    I was saying "Boo-rack".

    • MadBrahms

      "Sure, Barney's film had heart, but 'Muslim Hit in the Groin with a Drone Strike' had a Muslim getting hit in the groin with a drone strike."

      (sigh) I hope this election isn't actually decided by who wants to bomb brown people more.

  • thurufally

    If Obama plans on adopting Herman Cain's "999" tax plan he should turn that button right side up.

  • tessiee

    "“I’m here to pray,” said one of the delegates, who declined to give his name"

    That guy NEVER gives his name, because he doesn't want the secret atheist police to drag him off to Gitmo for praying.
    Also because his name is Hugh Jass.

    • MadBrahms

      G. Sussfucher.

  • tessiee

    "A pair of pro-life activists propped up giant placards decorated with photos of aborted fetuses"

    Pfffft! *dismissive hand flap* Lightweights.
    Fetus donuts or GTFO.

  • Biff

    Friend of terrorists? Why don't they ask Bin Laden how good a friend he was? Oh yeah, that's right, they can't, because he's DEAD!

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    That does it. I'm going to stalk a Moonie mass wedding in retaliation.

  • finette_

    Hum. I'm pretty sure my Louisiana delegation had no need for a quiet prayer room, as they have no problem loudly praying whenever and wherever the mood strikes. (Yes, I know we're talking about Democrats.) And as a native of the other Dakota, I would say that yes, it sounds about right for some mousy Lutherans to be the only ones in there.

  • Robman2

    I went to the thread, put in a comment, about Jesus surviving the crucifixion, their version of Disqus, said awaiting moderator approval, that was yesterday, no post as yet, I guess Moonie's can't handle the truth.,

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