You may have thought that the Berlin Wall was brought down by the economic and political bankruptcy of the East German government in 1989, or maybe because of the impromptu actions of enthusiastic Berliners who just kind of spontaneously went all nutty and freedomy and sledge-hammery, or perhaps even as a result of delayed echoes from a 1987 sonic attack by Ronald Reagan, but last week we learned that all of these hypotheses were incorrect! What really did it, according to televangelist Kenneth Copeland, was a handful of East German fundamentalists who were “talking to [the Wall] in the name of Jesus,” and telling it to fall down for years and years, and “just suddenly one day, thpppppppt, down it went.”
This electrifying revision of recent history was revealed by Copeland in a rambling tale told to his teevee guest, noted history-fabricator David Barton. Right Wing Watch explains that Copeland is a believer in “Word of Faith,” which is the notion
that Christians can use “positive confession” to speak things into existence, typically physical health and material wealth. During Believer’s Voice of Victory, he claimed that his books and those of fellow Word-Faith preacher Kenneth Hagin were used to bring down the Berlin Wall, to which the self-declared “historian” Barton eagerly agreed.
So remember, if the idea that wishful thinking will alter reality is dressed up with New-Agey affirmations in a hodgepodge of idiocy like The Secret, then that is a Satanic threat to Biblical Truth. On the other hand, if the idea that wishful thinking will alter reality is dressed up with some Bible verses in a hodgepodge of idiocy like Copeland and Hagin’s, well then, that is a tax-exempt ministry and a way to connect people with the Lord and bring freedom to Eastern Europe. (Or it may be heresy and witchcraft, depending on which group of fundamentalists you’re talking to).
In any case, it seems rather unsporting of Copeland to not give any credit at all to the folks with the sledgehammers. But we will be the first to admit that we sometimes let trivial details like that get in the way of recognizing miracles.
Don’t forget to join Doktor Zoom tomorrow to find out whether this version of the collapse of Communism made it into a Christian World History textbook! (Spoiler alert: No.)
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Well, you see almost anyone talked at by Jesus freaks long enough will fall down. Or begin shouting (which walls can't do) or vomit (again, not for walls) or get stabby (and I'm betting the wall fell TOWARDS them). So, really, I buy it totally.
The West Germans knocked down the wall in order to get at those noisy fudamentalist idiots and make them shut the fuck up.
That's my version of history, and it makes a whole lot more sense.
Why didn't they just use trumpets?
Aha, I must acknowledge thou, also!
Here is some song that this Lady must have stolen from Jack White or something:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPZuWzZvoYQ
If they were thinking right they should have said there was secret trumpet blowing going on. Then they could say: see, the bible was right and when we blow trumpets the walls did come tumbling down therefore the world is 6000 years old and the dinosaurs were left behind.
They could have gone on for years with this kind of evidence.
Praise His Name! What is the discount price and shipping rate for your home school curriculum?
Same rate as Newt Gingrich's web designers charged him, $800,000.
Is he talking to Cliff Clavin?
"Ehhh, ya see Kenneth, my Maaaaa taught me that theah's a lotta expert information involved in the construction of walls theah. As I was explainin to Nahmie the othah day…"
Today (well, now yesterday) we are all the slowest buffalo…
The only Miracle about religion is that in the 21st century people are still buying this crap.
Also: saved us from Halley's Comet!
I thought Bruce Willis did that.
But Hale-Bopp had a body count.
Oh, you have to be a Christian for this stuff to work.
No wonder none of my weekly "please please please let me win the lottery this time" chants have paid off yet.
I dread the day one of these brain-dead goobers actually does win a lottery.
Lies. Everyone knows it was David Hasselhoff.
Actually, it was K.I.T.T.
No wonder the guy developed a drinking problem; for so many years he was the ostensible lead but really the second banana, first to a talking car and later to many pairs of bouncing breasts.
In both shows, he was always the lead boob.
Damn, I miss those slo-mo sequences!
Were they wall-eyed gits?
Actually, it was the repeated recitation of the Edda by Germanic hordes that brought forth the Mjölnir which shattered the wall as a gift of the sacred mercy of Thor to his people.
Thor rocks!Symbol a Hammer.Jesus nailed to a cross,So who's more powerful?Do the math.
Who's more powerful? Just look at results
I was hoping somebody would bring in that picture!
"The Hammer of the Gods will drive our ships to New Lands."
So if I want it hard enough, can we rid the world of fundamentalist Christians?
TV evangelist preachers are so Slimy all you need to get rid of them is a little salt.
No, no, it's a pie pan of beer or maybe an above ground pool full of beer. Anyway, just lures them in and they get drunk and drown. For priests, I think cheap wine would probably work.
Or young slugs.
Wait – it WASN'T Reagan + sledgehammer???
Don't be silly Reagan. Reagan couldn't even remember what a sledgehammer was at that point, much less bring down the wall with it. ;-)
You've forgotten about Ronnie's laser eye beams + flying abilities.
I seem to recall it was a Caterpillar model D68 hydraulic excavator operated by an excited German that actually knocked down very large sections of the wall. Nice theory Reverend Jimmy Don Plead For More Money but physics says your wrong.
Go to Louisiana, open a charter school and bloviate all your theories to some nice children. Asshole.
but physics says your wrong
Right on page one of the fizzics 101 text.
Physics=science, so you're automatically suspect. Remember, gravity is only a theory!
Well, the old imp works in mysterious ways, nu?
Needz moar burning stakes.
It was Pink Floyd.
Been there, done that.
Did their swords cross?
No, but I think their balls touched.
streams
So they used the books as sledgehammers? No wonder it took so long to "tear down this wall."
Dave Barton is Stupid.
Everyone knows that it was really Charo.
Cuchi-cuchi!
*shakes maracas*
Hips do lie.
Not to Danzig.
Needz moar Aaron Copland, and less Kenny.
Reverend Copeland, some bastards from South Park are at the door.
Add in some Aaron Neville, and we have a deal.
Chris Christie could have done it just by backing into it.
"Sorry, I just needed to to rest a little and catch my breath, I'd just walked 20 feet after all, and the whole thing came down"
You'd think the "beep-beep-beep" noise would have been enough of a warning.
He would have eated it, but they were afraid for the rest of Berlin.
that Christians can use “positive confession” to speak things into existence, typically physical health and material wealth.
Didja catch that last part?
Trickle down economics would've been impossible to implement without prosperity theology.
…and an upside-down world where liquid trickles up.
My dog thinks that if he howls at a telephone he can make it stop ringing. Since the phone does eventually stop ringing, that proves he's right.
Cool. A new prayer:
AAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
AAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
AAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
in all fairness to my dog, he's actually a lot smarter than that- he's not nearly as superstitious as your average Fundie. Someone really needs to introduce David Barton to B.F. Skinner…
Maybe your dog IS…………nah……never mind.
Shhhhhhh.
Or introduce him to Hezekiah "Injun" Skinner and his knife, "Preacher".
Werewolves of London etc etc
Hey!!
My dog is a prophet!
He barks at bikes, and they disappear!
And in Proverbs 18:22, God said "Oh, for fuck's sake."
And he spake unto the vast multitudes, and the words he spake into their assembled ears were:
"Thou art shit for brains"
I thought that telling lies was a sin.
"It's not a lie if you believe it."
–The Book of Costanza
This reminds me of the Ninja death touch. Once the technique is applied, it may take forty or fifty years for the victim to die.
"Bart, stop using the Touch of Death on your sister" — Marge Simpson
I suppose the NRA will be claiming next that if the wall had been armed, that it could have defended itself from those sledgehammer-wielding marauders.
I thought the walls came tumbling down when the One Ring was destroyed, taking with it the might of Sauron which had maintained them, after Gollum fell with It into the cracks of Mt. Doom where It was forged, the one place It could be destroyed.
And I thought the walls came tumbling down when Clark Gable finally married Claudette Colbert in 'It Happened One Night'?
Devoured by Sandworms.
No, you have to read the book not just watch the movie, which skipped over a lot of details; Paul and the Fremen used atomics to blow a hole in the wall which allowed them to attack with the sandworms.
Arrakis walls stronger than puny commie walls…
I thought it was Def Leopard.
East German fundamentalists? Anyone else experiencing cognitive dissonance after reading that?
I had to read it twice, to be sure I hadn't read The Onion's headline into it by mistake.
This is awesome! This fall I'm going to try wishing away all the leaves that fall on my lawn. I am so finished with raking!!!
Why don't you just wish them to fall on your neighbor's lawn in the first place and save yourself the extra step?
Had the opposite effect on me last winter. In NYC we had tons of snow storms and in my neighbourhood of Brooklyn we hardly saw the Sanitation Department snow ploughs.
I wished a pox on all their trucks and the management.
Next morning after a particularly bad storm I looked out my front window to find a Sanitation Department snow plough down the road — stuck in over three feet of snow.
I'm telling you, this christianist god of theirs is a motherfucker with a twisted sense of humour.
This Theory leads me to believe he discovered weaponized trumpet technology, lost in the rubble of Jericho.
Kudos to you, I'm surprised a Jericho reference wasn't in the post itself! Dr. Zoom must not have received proper Biblical-based home training.
Au contraire! I simply assumed that it was such common knowledge that the Wonkettariat would find it banal. (As they do everything, because they are such jaded elitists…)
*ding dong* Who's that at the door?
With the right harmonics that could be a noteworthy observation BoV.
I guess they can't used the weaponized Arc of the Covenant since that's been lost somewhere in a vast government warehouse since a certain archaeologist took it from the Nazis shorty before WWII.
It's not lost – it is being studied by top men.
Top. Men.
See, this is what happens when I sleep in. Someone else beats me to the Joshua and the Battle of Jericho reference.
This asshole needs to see a doctor. Preferably, one of the Kevorkian School.
"Death and Life are in the power of the tongue" Proverbs 18:21
So they licked the wall to death?
"Death and Life are in the power of the tongue." Judy 1985
WIN
I like Frito's Corn Chips, I love them I do. I want Frito's Corn Chips, I'll get them from you." — The Frito Bandito
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-pop? One, Two, Three…CRUNCH. Three, It takes 3 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie-pop.
Too bad the wall wasn't a Timex watch… it can take a lickin' and keep on tickin'
Well there appear to be many opinions regarding walls coming down…
From The Style Council: Walls Come Tumbling Down
Songwriters: WELLER, PAUL JOHN
You don't have to take this crap
You don't have to sit back and relax
You can actually try changing it
I know we've always been taught to rely
Upon those in authority –
But you never know until you try
How things just might be –
If we came together so strongly
From DEF LEPPARD WHEN THE WALLS CAME TUMBLING DOWN
On the first day of the first month in some distant year
The whole sky froze golden
Some said it was the aftermath of the radium bomb
While the others told of a final retribution
A terrible revenge of the Gods
But we understood the grand finale
Fulfillment of a prophecy told many years before
So all that was left was
All the women were captured and chained
And national suicide was proclaimed
And new America fell to the ground
And all the children lay crippled lame
But all the nations came together
In fear of the thought of the end
No more would we fight in the streets
No courage had we to defend
When the walls came tumbling down
When the walls came tumbling down
Everybody ran as they screamed at the sound
Apparently the Berlin Wall simply hear The Call
You can bend me you can break me
But you'd better stand clear…
THE POWER OF CHRIST IGNORES YOU!
yeah, ask the people of Haiti what they think about Kenneth Copeland:
http://freethinker.co.uk/2010/01/27/televangelist…
♪♫ One for you nineteen for meeeeeeeeeeeeee ♫♪
Everyone knows that Jesus hit the Berlin Wall with a Hadouken and St.Reagan finished it off with a Tiger Uppercut.
Shoryuken libel!
Street Fighter (2?) libel!
Something tells me that their knowledge of world history is limited to the lyrics of We Didn't Start the Fire.
I suspect you give them too much credit.
Unlike Copeland and his ilk, rock & roll is here to stay.
Quiet everyone. I am praying.
How can you pray when you have your fingers stuck in your ears like that?
That's not his ear.
Talking sense to these fundies, is like talking to a wall, and as you clearly can see, their cracks are showing.
The wall fell down all by itself, the guys with sledgehammers were just there.
Oh that Fred Willard and his wacky pranks! Got me again, Fred, you dog you!
Knock, knock.
Who dat?
I wondering if Copeland will admit to offing the beloved children's character, Humpty Dumpty. The circumstances of his demise are suspiciously similar….
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.
Blue jeans and rock'n'roll, forces that are feared always and everywhere by authoritarians secular and religious, is what did it. Free Pussy Riot!
Bruce 1988–East Berlin
I thought the wall fell down because of that cat Joshua and his magical ancient brass band.
I always wonder why, while the wingnuts always talk about how awful the Berlin Wall was (and it was) while wrongly crediting Reagan with its coming down, they almost immediately turned around and decided it would be a great idea to create their own version along the border with Mexico, to keep out the brown people.
Cognitive dissonance. They love it.
"Do as we say, not as we do" is pretty much the entire wingnut/Xtard philosophy.
When they ask if you've been Born Again, tell 'em you're still in labor.
(bumper sticker idea, patent pending)
On the other hand, if the idea that wishful thinking will alter reality is dressed up with some Bible verses
Hey, it works. Whenever I read an artilce about this dipshit, I say "Oh good lord, please don't let this bible-humping asshat ever appear on my TV set". And what do you know? He never does.
I'm convinced. Now I will now devote all my free time to praying for the lovely Allison Brie to show up at my door wearing naught but a whipped-cream bikini and a mischievous smile.
Too late man, I already have.
I'm still trying to wrap my dome around how they could walk around the wall without getting shot by East German border guards. Cloak of Invisibility, I'm guessing.
Note to editor: when writing "The Secret", you must always do it this way:
"THE SECRET The Secret the secret (the secret)"
This is the proper way to represent the echoey thing…
This pencil-necked pussyfart has used Millions of his ill-gotten gains to produce western movies with himself as the hero, shooting bad guys in the name of Jeebus and saving the day. His decades-long success in American Televangelism is a living testament to both his own avarice and the public's gullibility.
Copeland prayed down the Berlin Wall? WHAT A GREAT GUY!!!! I wish there were some way I could send him some monies, in gratitude. He probably wouldn't take it though, the big lug.
And here all along I was thinking Wotan did it.
Levis jeans did more to topple the wall than Xtians ever did.
Is that dude drunk? He sure sounds like it. All that was missing was the hiccups.
I understand that there is legitimate wall-knocking and illegitimate wall-knocking. If a wall is subject to legitimate wall-knocking the wall has a biological method of preventing the wall-knocker from knocking up (or down) the wall. I guess we know what kind of a bozo Ken Copeland is, the illegitimate fucker.
These posers don't believe the chit they're spouting. There is no Hell, because these guys KNOW they're lying and if they'd really be punished for being such lying dickhead crooks, they wouldn't do it. Amirite?
I remember being taught Word-Faith in religion class in school. It was based on Matthew 7:7
So, I see they gussied it up and gave it a proper name, and it's quite frankly something taken from other earlier religions. BTW, of all of the evangelists, run as far as you can away from the ones that teach the "Gospel of Prosperity." It's a particularly shrewd, selfish, warped brand of christianity, American style.
I tell you, today, truly is a fool and his money soon parted.
I prayed for a motorcycle once.
Then I realized, it didn't work that way, so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness.
In the words of Stewie Griffin of Family Guy: Dear God…stay out of our way.
Imagine how much more powerful this positive wishing would have been if they'd actually whispered to the wall in German, instead of God's own language of Dixie-style English. Did the Berlin Wall speak German? Or did it speak Russian, since the Soviets built it? To quote the signs all over the Creation Museum: you won't read about that in your school!
Talk about a miracle: I can't believe this hack is still on the air! I remember seeing Copeland back in the 80's.
Then again, I see that Peter Popoff is back after he was busted by James Randi back in the day.
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