Just Corporate Criminals Playin' with Tanks

Televangelist Explains How His Jebus Books Brought Down The Berlin Wall


You may have thought that the Berlin Wall was brought down by the economic and political bankruptcy of the East German government in 1989, or maybe because of the impromptu actions of enthusiastic Berliners who just kind of spontaneously went all nutty and freedomy and sledge-hammery, or perhaps even as a result of delayed echoes from a 1987 sonic attack by Ronald Reagan, but last week we learned that all of these hypotheses were incorrect! What really did it, according to televangelist Kenneth Copeland, was a handful of East German fundamentalists who were “talking to [the Wall] in the name of Jesus,” and telling it to fall down for years and years, and “just suddenly one day, thpppppppt, down it went.”

This electrifying revision of recent history was revealed by Copeland in a rambling tale told to his teevee guest, noted history-fabricator David Barton. Right Wing Watch explains that Copeland is a believer in “Word of Faith,” which is the notion

that Christians can use “positive confession” to speak things into existence, typically physical health and material wealth. During Believer’s Voice of Victory, he claimed that his books and those of fellow Word-Faith preacher Kenneth Hagin were used to bring down the Berlin Wall, to which the self-declared “historian” Barton eagerly agreed.

So remember, if the idea that wishful thinking will alter reality is dressed up with New-Agey affirmations in a hodgepodge of idiocy like The Secret, then that is a Satanic threat to Biblical Truth. On the other hand, if the idea that wishful thinking will alter reality is dressed up with some Bible verses in a hodgepodge of idiocy like Copeland and Hagin’s, well then, that is a tax-exempt ministry and a way to connect people with the Lord and bring freedom to Eastern Europe. (Or it may be heresy and witchcraft, depending on which group of fundamentalists you’re talking to).

In any case, it seems rather unsporting of Copeland to not give any credit at all to the folks with the sledgehammers. But we will be the first to admit that we sometimes let trivial details like that get in the way of recognizing miracles.

Don’t forget to join Doktor Zoom tomorrow to find out whether this version of the collapse of Communism made it into a Christian World History textbook! (Spoiler alert: No.)

[Right Wing Watch]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Comments

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  • Boojum

    Well, you see almost anyone talked at by Jesus freaks long enough will fall down. Or begin shouting (which walls can't do) or vomit (again, not for walls) or get stabby (and I'm betting the wall fell TOWARDS them). So, really, I buy it totally.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The West Germans knocked down the wall in order to get at those noisy fudamentalist idiots and make them shut the fuck up.
      That's my version of history, and it makes a whole lot more sense.

  • no_gravity

    Why didn't they just use trumpets?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Aha, I must acknowledge thou, also!

      Here is some song that this Lady must have stolen from Jack White or something:
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPZuWzZvoYQ

      • no_gravity

        If they were thinking right they should have said there was secret trumpet blowing going on. Then they could say: see, the bible was right and when we blow trumpets the walls did come tumbling down therefore the world is 6000 years old and the dinosaurs were left behind.

        They could have gone on for years with this kind of evidence.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          Praise His Name! What is the discount price and shipping rate for your home school curriculum?

          • no_gravity

            Same rate as Newt Gingrich's web designers charged him, $800,000.

  • LibrarianX

    Is he talking to Cliff Clavin?

    • tessiee

      "Ehhh, ya see Kenneth, my Maaaaa taught me that theah's a lotta expert information involved in the construction of walls theah. As I was explainin to Nahmie the othah day…"

    • Biff

      Today (well, now yesterday) we are all the slowest buffalo…

  • sbj1964

    The only Miracle about religion is that in the 21st century people are still buying this crap.

  • LibrarianX

    Also: saved us from Halley's Comet!

    • sbj1964

      I thought Bruce Willis did that.

    • Biff

      But Hale-Bopp had a body count.

  • Hera Sent Me

    Oh, you have to be a Christian for this stuff to work.

    No wonder none of my weekly "please please please let me win the lottery this time" chants have paid off yet.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I dread the day one of these brain-dead goobers actually does win a lottery.

  • MadBrahms

    Lies. Everyone knows it was David Hasselhoff.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

      Actually, it was K.I.T.T.

      • SorosBot

        No wonder the guy developed a drinking problem; for so many years he was the ostensible lead but really the second banana, first to a talking car and later to many pairs of bouncing breasts.

        • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

          In both shows, he was always the lead boob.

        • Biff

          Damn, I miss those slo-mo sequences!

  • eggsacklywright

    Were they wall-eyed gits?

  • mavenmaven

    Actually, it was the repeated recitation of the Edda by Germanic hordes that brought forth the Mjölnir which shattered the wall as a gift of the sacred mercy of Thor to his people.

    • sbj1964

      Thor rocks!Symbol a Hammer.Jesus nailed to a cross,So who's more powerful?Do the math.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Who's more powerful? Just look at results

        • emmelemm

          I was hoping somebody would bring in that picture!

      • LionHeartSoyDog

        "The Hammer of the Gods will drive our ships to New Lands."

  • SorosBot

    So if I want it hard enough, can we rid the world of fundamentalist Christians?

    • sbj1964

      TV evangelist preachers are so Slimy all you need to get rid of them is a little salt.

      • ThundercatHo

        No, no, it's a pie pan of beer or maybe an above ground pool full of beer. Anyway, just lures them in and they get drunk and drown. For priests, I think cheap wine would probably work.

        • Boojum

          Or young slugs.

  • LibrarianX

    Wait – it WASN'T Reagan + sledgehammer???

    • LibertyLover

      Don't be silly Reagan. Reagan couldn't even remember what a sledgehammer was at that point, much less bring down the wall with it. ;-)

      • LibrarianX

        You've forgotten about Ronnie's laser eye beams + flying abilities.

  • fartknocker

    I seem to recall it was a Caterpillar model D68 hydraulic excavator operated by an excited German that actually knocked down very large sections of the wall. Nice theory Reverend Jimmy Don Plead For More Money but physics says your wrong.

    Go to Louisiana, open a charter school and bloviate all your theories to some nice children. Asshole.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      but physics says your wrong

      Right on page one of the fizzics 101 text.

    • Biff

      Physics=science, so you're automatically suspect. Remember, gravity is only a theory!

  • eggsacklywright

    Well, the old imp works in mysterious ways, nu?

  • An_Outhouse

    Needz moar burning stakes.

  • sharethegrief

    It was Pink Floyd.

    • Steverino247

      Been there, done that.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Did their swords cross?

    • Steverino247

      No, but I think their balls touched.

    • Biff

      Did their swords

      streams

      cross?

  • RadioX

    So they used the books as sledgehammers? No wonder it took so long to "tear down this wall."
    Dave Barton is Stupid.

  • LibrarianX

    Everyone knows that it was really Charo.

    • tessiee

      Cuchi-cuchi!
      *shakes maracas*

    • Angry_Marmot

      Hips do lie.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Needz moar Aaron Copland, and less Kenny.

    Reverend Copeland, some bastards from South Park are at the door.

    • Negropolis

      Add in some Aaron Neville, and we have a deal.

  • http://matthewgreenbaum.com swordfis

    Chris Christie could have done it just by backing into it.

    • sullivanst

      "Sorry, I just needed to to rest a little and catch my breath, I'd just walked 20 feet after all, and the whole thing came down"

    • tessiee

      You'd think the "beep-beep-beep" noise would have been enough of a warning.

    • Boojum

      He would have eated it, but they were afraid for the rest of Berlin.

  • HarryButtle

    that Christians can use “positive confession” to speak things into existence, typically physical health and material wealth.

    Didja catch that last part?

    • BoroPrimorac

      Trickle down economics would've been impossible to implement without prosperity theology.

      • LionHeartSoyDog

        …and an upside-down world where liquid trickles up.

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    My dog thinks that if he howls at a telephone he can make it stop ringing. Since the phone does eventually stop ringing, that proves he's right.

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Cool. A new prayer:
      AAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
      AAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
      AAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

      • zippy_w_pinhead

        in all fairness to my dog, he's actually a lot smarter than that- he's not nearly as superstitious as your average Fundie. Someone really needs to introduce David Barton to B.F. Skinner…

        • Blueb4sinrise

          Maybe your dog IS…………nah……never mind.

          • Jus_Wonderin

            Shhhhhhh.

        • Boojum

          Or introduce him to Hezekiah "Injun" Skinner and his knife, "Preacher".

      • YasserArraFeck

        Werewolves of London etc etc

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Hey!!
      My dog is a prophet!
      He barks at bikes, and they disappear!

  • Callyson

    And in Proverbs 18:22, God said "Oh, for fuck's sake."

    • tessiee

      And he spake unto the vast multitudes, and the words he spake into their assembled ears were:
      "Thou art shit for brains"

  • glamourdammerung

    I thought that telling lies was a sin.

    • Doktor Zoom

      "It's not a lie if you believe it."

      –The Book of Costanza

  • BoroPrimorac

    This reminds me of the Ninja death touch. Once the technique is applied, it may take forty or fifty years for the victim to die.

    • tessiee

      "Bart, stop using the Touch of Death on your sister" — Marge Simpson

  • LibertyLover

    I suppose the NRA will be claiming next that if the wall had been armed, that it could have defended itself from those sledgehammer-wielding marauders.

  • SorosBot

    I thought the walls came tumbling down when the One Ring was destroyed, taking with it the might of Sauron which had maintained them, after Gollum fell with It into the cracks of Mt. Doom where It was forged, the one place It could be destroyed.

    • Arborista

      And I thought the walls came tumbling down when Clark Gable finally married Claudette Colbert in 'It Happened One Night'?

    • LibrarianX

      Devoured by Sandworms.

      • SorosBot

        No, you have to read the book not just watch the movie, which skipped over a lot of details; Paul and the Fremen used atomics to blow a hole in the wall which allowed them to attack with the sandworms.

        • LibrarianX

          Arrakis walls stronger than puny commie walls…

    • Boojum

      I thought it was Def Leopard.

  • Arborista

    East German fundamentalists? Anyone else experiencing cognitive dissonance after reading that?

    • sewollef

      I had to read it twice, to be sure I hadn't read The Onion's headline into it by mistake.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    This is awesome! This fall I'm going to try wishing away all the leaves that fall on my lawn. I am so finished with raking!!!

    • LibertyLover

      Why don't you just wish them to fall on your neighbor's lawn in the first place and save yourself the extra step?

    • sewollef

      Had the opposite effect on me last winter. In NYC we had tons of snow storms and in my neighbourhood of Brooklyn we hardly saw the Sanitation Department snow ploughs.

      I wished a pox on all their trucks and the management.

      Next morning after a particularly bad storm I looked out my front window to find a Sanitation Department snow plough down the road — stuck in over three feet of snow.

      I'm telling you, this christianist god of theirs is a motherfucker with a twisted sense of humour.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    This Theory leads me to believe he discovered weaponized trumpet technology, lost in the rubble of Jericho.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Kudos to you, I'm surprised a Jericho reference wasn't in the post itself! Dr. Zoom must not have received proper Biblical-based home training.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Au contraire! I simply assumed that it was such common knowledge that the Wonkettariat would find it banal. (As they do everything, because they are such jaded elitists…)

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      With the right harmonics that could be a noteworthy observation BoV.

    • SorosBot

      I guess they can't used the weaponized Arc of the Covenant since that's been lost somewhere in a vast government warehouse since a certain archaeologist took it from the Nazis shorty before WWII.

      • HistoriCat

        It's not lost – it is being studied by top men.

        Top. Men.

    • Sassomatic

      See, this is what happens when I sleep in. Someone else beats me to the Joshua and the Battle of Jericho reference.

  • Steverino247

    This asshole needs to see a doctor. Preferably, one of the Kevorkian School.

  • LibertyLover

    "Death and Life are in the power of the tongue" Proverbs 18:21

    So they licked the wall to death?

    • Blueb4sinrise

      "Death and Life are in the power of the tongue." Judy 1985

      • Negropolis

        WIN

    • TribecaMike

      I like Frito's Corn Chips, I love them I do. I want Frito's Corn Chips, I'll get them from you." — The Frito Bandito

      • LibertyLover

        How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-pop? One, Two, Three…CRUNCH. Three, It takes 3 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie-pop.

      • LibertyLover

        Too bad the wall wasn't a Timex watch… it can take a lickin' and keep on tickin'

  • new_pic_for_NEWTer

    Well there appear to be many opinions regarding walls coming down…

    From The Style Council: Walls Come Tumbling Down
    Songwriters: WELLER, PAUL JOHN

    You don't have to take this crap
    You don't have to sit back and relax
    You can actually try changing it
    I know we've always been taught to rely
    Upon those in authority –
    But you never know until you try
    How things just might be –
    If we came together so strongly

    From DEF LEPPARD WHEN THE WALLS CAME TUMBLING DOWN

    On the first day of the first month in some distant year
    The whole sky froze golden
    Some said it was the aftermath of the radium bomb
    While the others told of a final retribution
    A terrible revenge of the Gods
    But we understood the grand finale
    Fulfillment of a prophecy told many years before
    So all that was left was

    All the women were captured and chained
    And national suicide was proclaimed
    And new America fell to the ground
    And all the children lay crippled lame

    But all the nations came together
    In fear of the thought of the end
    No more would we fight in the streets
    No courage had we to defend

    When the walls came tumbling down
    When the walls came tumbling down
    Everybody ran as they screamed at the sound

    • Doktor Zoom

      Apparently the Berlin Wall simply hear The Call

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      You can bend me you can break me
      But you'd better stand clear…

  • Steverino247

    THE POWER OF CHRIST IGNORES YOU!

  • StarsUponThars

    yeah, ask the people of Haiti what they think about Kenneth Copeland:
    http://freethinker.co.uk/2010/01/27/televangelist

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      ♪♫ One for you nineteen for meeeeeeeeeeeeee ♫♪

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    Everyone knows that Jesus hit the Berlin Wall with a Hadouken and St.Reagan finished it off with a Tiger Uppercut.

    • sullivanst

      Shoryuken libel!

    • Negropolis

      Street Fighter (2?) libel!

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    Something tells me that their knowledge of world history is limited to the lyrics of We Didn't Start the Fire.

    • sullivanst

      I suspect you give them too much credit.

    • TribecaMike

      Unlike Copeland and his ilk, rock & roll is here to stay.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Quiet everyone. I am praying.

    • LibertyLover

      How can you pray when you have your fingers stuck in your ears like that?

      • HogeyeGrex

        That's not his ear.

  • kittensdontlie

    Talking sense to these fundies, is like talking to a wall, and as you clearly can see, their cracks are showing.

  • sullivanst

    The wall fell down all by itself, the guys with sledgehammers were just there.

  • TribecaMike

    Oh that Fred Willard and his wacky pranks! Got me again, Fred, you dog you!

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Knock, knock.

      • TribecaMike

        Who dat?

  • kittensdontlie

    I wondering if Copeland will admit to offing the beloved children's character, Humpty Dumpty. The circumstances of his demise are suspiciously similar….

    Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
    Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
    All the king's horses and all the king's men
    Couldn't put Humpty together again.

  • SigDeFlyinMonky

    Blue jeans and rock'n'roll, forces that are feared always and everywhere by authoritarians secular and religious, is what did it. Free Pussy Riot!

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Bruce 1988–East Berlin

  • Sassomatic

    I thought the wall fell down because of that cat Joshua and his magical ancient brass band.

  • SorosBot

    I always wonder why, while the wingnuts always talk about how awful the Berlin Wall was (and it was) while wrongly crediting Reagan with its coming down, they almost immediately turned around and decided it would be a great idea to create their own version along the border with Mexico, to keep out the brown people.

    • sullivanst

      Cognitive dissonance. They love it.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Do as we say, not as we do" is pretty much the entire wingnut/Xtard philosophy.

  • Angry_Marmot

    When they ask if you've been Born Again, tell 'em you're still in labor.
    (bumper sticker idea, patent pending)

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    On the other hand, if the idea that wishful thinking will alter reality is dressed up with some Bible verses

    Hey, it works. Whenever I read an artilce about this dipshit, I say "Oh good lord, please don't let this bible-humping asshat ever appear on my TV set". And what do you know? He never does.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    I'm convinced. Now I will now devote all my free time to praying for the lovely Allison Brie to show up at my door wearing naught but a whipped-cream bikini and a mischievous smile.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Too late man, I already have.

  • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ gogogodzilla

    I'm still trying to wrap my dome around how they could walk around the wall without getting shot by East German border guards. Cloak of Invisibility, I'm guessing.

  • barto

    Note to editor: when writing "The Secret", you must always do it this way:

    "THE SECRET The Secret the secret (the secret)"

    This is the proper way to represent the echoey thing…

  • ttommyunger

    This pencil-necked pussyfart has used Millions of his ill-gotten gains to produce western movies with himself as the hero, shooting bad guys in the name of Jeebus and saving the day. His decades-long success in American Televangelism is a living testament to both his own avarice and the public's gullibility.

  • docterry6973

    Copeland prayed down the Berlin Wall? WHAT A GREAT GUY!!!! I wish there were some way I could send him some monies, in gratitude. He probably wouldn't take it though, the big lug.

  • MiniMencken

    And here all along I was thinking Wotan did it.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Levis jeans did more to topple the wall than Xtians ever did.

  • Isyaignert

    Is that dude drunk? He sure sounds like it. All that was missing was the hiccups.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    I understand that there is legitimate wall-knocking and illegitimate wall-knocking. If a wall is subject to legitimate wall-knocking the wall has a biological method of preventing the wall-knocker from knocking up (or down) the wall. I guess we know what kind of a bozo Ken Copeland is, the illegitimate fucker.

  • Isyaignert

    These posers don't believe the chit they're spouting. There is no Hell, because these guys KNOW they're lying and if they'd really be punished for being such lying dickhead crooks, they wouldn't do it. Amirite?

  • Negropolis

    I remember being taught Word-Faith in religion class in school. It was based on Matthew 7:7

    Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

    So, I see they gussied it up and gave it a proper name, and it's quite frankly something taken from other earlier religions. BTW, of all of the evangelists, run as far as you can away from the ones that teach the "Gospel of Prosperity." It's a particularly shrewd, selfish, warped brand of christianity, American style.

    I tell you, today, truly is a fool and his money soon parted.

  • Nostrildamus

    I prayed for a motorcycle once.

    Then I realized, it didn't work that way, so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness.

  • Negropolis

    In the words of Stewie Griffin of Family Guy: Dear God…stay out of our way.

  • Larry McAwful

    Imagine how much more powerful this positive wishing would have been if they'd actually whispered to the wall in German, instead of God's own language of Dixie-style English. Did the Berlin Wall speak German? Or did it speak Russian, since the Soviets built it? To quote the signs all over the Creation Museum: you won't read about that in your school!

  • HelmutNewton

    Talk about a miracle: I can't believe this hack is still on the air! I remember seeing Copeland back in the 80's.

    Then again, I see that Peter Popoff is back after he was busted by James Randi back in the day.