JUST CORPORATE CRIMINALS PLAYIN' WITH TANKS  12:17 pm September 8, 2012

Televangelist Explains How His Jebus Books Brought Down The Berlin Wall

by Doktor Zoom


You may have thought that the Berlin Wall was brought down by the economic and political bankruptcy of the East German government in 1989, or maybe because of the impromptu actions of enthusiastic Berliners who just kind of spontaneously went all nutty and freedomy and sledge-hammery, or perhaps even as a result of delayed echoes from a 1987 sonic attack by Ronald Reagan, but last week we learned that all of these hypotheses were incorrect! What really did it, according to televangelist Kenneth Copeland, was a handful of East German fundamentalists who were “talking to [the Wall] in the name of Jesus,” and telling it to fall down for years and years, and “just suddenly one day, thpppppppt, down it went.”

This electrifying revision of recent history was revealed by Copeland in a rambling tale told to his teevee guest, noted history-fabricator David Barton. Right Wing Watch explains that Copeland is a believer in “Word of Faith,” which is the notion

that Christians can use “positive confession” to speak things into existence, typically physical health and material wealth. During Believer’s Voice of Victory, he claimed that his books and those of fellow Word-Faith preacher Kenneth Hagin were used to bring down the Berlin Wall, to which the self-declared “historian” Barton eagerly agreed.

So remember, if the idea that wishful thinking will alter reality is dressed up with New-Agey affirmations in a hodgepodge of idiocy like The Secret, then that is a Satanic threat to Biblical Truth. On the other hand, if the idea that wishful thinking will alter reality is dressed up with some Bible verses in a hodgepodge of idiocy like Copeland and Hagin’s, well then, that is a tax-exempt ministry and a way to connect people with the Lord and bring freedom to Eastern Europe. (Or it may be heresy and witchcraft, depending on which group of fundamentalists you’re talking to).

In any case, it seems rather unsporting of Copeland to not give any credit at all to the folks with the sledgehammers. But we will be the first to admit that we sometimes let trivial details like that get in the way of recognizing miracles.

Don’t forget to join Doktor Zoom tomorrow to find out whether this version of the collapse of Communism made it into a Christian World History textbook! (Spoiler alert: No.)

[Right Wing Watch]

 
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{ 144 comments }

Boojum September 8, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Well, you see almost anyone talked at by Jesus freaks long enough will fall down. Or begin shouting (which walls can't do) or vomit (again, not for walls) or get stabby (and I'm betting the wall fell TOWARDS them). So, really, I buy it totally.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 8, 2012 at 3:26 pm

The West Germans knocked down the wall in order to get at those noisy fudamentalist idiots and make them shut the fuck up.
That's my version of history, and it makes a whole lot more sense.

no_gravity September 8, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Why didn't they just use trumpets?

Chet Kincaid_ September 8, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Aha, I must acknowledge thou, also!

Here is some song that this Lady must have stolen from Jack White or something:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPZuWzZvoYQ

no_gravity September 8, 2012 at 1:52 pm

If they were thinking right they should have said there was secret trumpet blowing going on. Then they could say: see, the bible was right and when we blow trumpets the walls did come tumbling down therefore the world is 6000 years old and the dinosaurs were left behind.

They could have gone on for years with this kind of evidence.

Chet Kincaid_ September 8, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Praise His Name! What is the discount price and shipping rate for your home school curriculum?

no_gravity September 8, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Same rate as Newt Gingrich's web designers charged him, $800,000.

LibrarianX September 8, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Is he talking to Cliff Clavin?

tessiee September 8, 2012 at 2:01 pm

"Ehhh, ya see Kenneth, my Maaaaa taught me that theah's a lotta expert information involved in the construction of walls theah. As I was explainin to Nahmie the othah day…"

Biff September 9, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Today (well, now yesterday) we are all the slowest buffalo…

sbj1964 September 8, 2012 at 12:25 pm

The only Miracle about religion is that in the 21st century people are still buying this crap.

LibrarianX September 8, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Also: saved us from Halley's Comet!

sbj1964 September 8, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I thought Bruce Willis did that.

Biff September 9, 2012 at 1:41 pm

But Hale-Bopp had a body count.

Hera Sent Me September 8, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Oh, you have to be a Christian for this stuff to work.

No wonder none of my weekly "please please please let me win the lottery this time" chants have paid off yet.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 8, 2012 at 3:28 pm

I dread the day one of these brain-dead goobers actually does win a lottery.

MadBrahms September 8, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Lies. Everyone knows it was David Hasselhoff.

ChillBill September 8, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Actually, it was K.I.T.T.

SorosBot September 8, 2012 at 1:46 pm

No wonder the guy developed a drinking problem; for so many years he was the ostensible lead but really the second banana, first to a talking car and later to many pairs of bouncing breasts.

ChillBill September 8, 2012 at 1:52 pm

In both shows, he was always the lead boob.

Biff September 9, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Damn, I miss those slo-mo sequences!

eggsacklywright September 8, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Were they wall-eyed gits?

mavenmaven September 8, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Actually, it was the repeated recitation of the Edda by Germanic hordes that brought forth the Mjölnir which shattered the wall as a gift of the sacred mercy of Thor to his people.

sbj1964 September 8, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Thor rocks!Symbol a Hammer.Jesus nailed to a cross,So who's more powerful?Do the math.

Doktor Zoom September 8, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Who's more powerful? Just look at results

emmelemm September 8, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I was hoping somebody would bring in that picture!

LionHeartSoyDog September 8, 2012 at 6:45 pm

"The Hammer of the Gods will drive our ships to New Lands."

SorosBot September 8, 2012 at 12:32 pm

So if I want it hard enough, can we rid the world of fundamentalist Christians?

sbj1964 September 8, 2012 at 12:52 pm

TV evangelist preachers are so Slimy all you need to get rid of them is a little salt.

ThundercatHo September 8, 2012 at 1:00 pm

No, no, it's a pie pan of beer or maybe an above ground pool full of beer. Anyway, just lures them in and they get drunk and drown. For priests, I think cheap wine would probably work.

Boojum September 8, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Or young slugs.

LibrarianX September 8, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Wait – it WASN'T Reagan + sledgehammer???

LibertyLover September 8, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Don't be silly Reagan. Reagan couldn't even remember what a sledgehammer was at that point, much less bring down the wall with it. ;-)

LibrarianX September 8, 2012 at 2:14 pm

You've forgotten about Ronnie's laser eye beams + flying abilities.

fartknocker September 8, 2012 at 12:33 pm

I seem to recall it was a Caterpillar model D68 hydraulic excavator operated by an excited German that actually knocked down very large sections of the wall. Nice theory Reverend Jimmy Don Plead For More Money but physics says your wrong.

Go to Louisiana, open a charter school and bloviate all your theories to some nice children. Asshole.

weejee September 8, 2012 at 12:45 pm

but physics says your wrong

Right on page one of the fizzics 101 text.

Biff September 9, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Physics=science, so you're automatically suspect. Remember, gravity is only a theory!

eggsacklywright September 8, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Well, the old imp works in mysterious ways, nu?

An_Outhouse September 8, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Needz moar burning stakes.

sharethegrief September 8, 2012 at 12:37 pm

It was Pink Floyd.

Steverino247 September 8, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Been there, done that.

mrblifil September 8, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Did their swords cross?

Steverino247 September 8, 2012 at 12:59 pm

No, but I think their balls touched.

Biff September 9, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Did their swords

streams

cross?

RadioX September 8, 2012 at 12:38 pm

So they used the books as sledgehammers? No wonder it took so long to "tear down this wall."
Dave Barton is Stupid.

LibrarianX September 8, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Everyone knows that it was really Charo.

tessiee September 8, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Cuchi-cuchi!
*shakes maracas*

Angry_Marmot September 8, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Hips do lie.

HogeyeGrex September 8, 2012 at 10:10 pm
weejee September 8, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Needz moar Aaron Copland, and less Kenny.

Reverend Copeland, some bastards from South Park are at the door.

Negropolis September 9, 2012 at 2:22 am

Add in some Aaron Neville, and we have a deal.

swordfis September 8, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Chris Christie could have done it just by backing into it.

sullivanst September 8, 2012 at 2:01 pm

"Sorry, I just needed to to rest a little and catch my breath, I'd just walked 20 feet after all, and the whole thing came down"

tessiee September 8, 2012 at 2:06 pm

You'd think the "beep-beep-beep" noise would have been enough of a warning.

Boojum September 8, 2012 at 2:17 pm

He would have eated it, but they were afraid for the rest of Berlin.

HarryButtle September 8, 2012 at 12:42 pm

that Christians can use “positive confession” to speak things into existence, typically physical health and material wealth.

Didja catch that last part?

BoroPrimorac September 8, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Trickle down economics would've been impossible to implement without prosperity theology.

LionHeartSoyDog September 8, 2012 at 6:48 pm

…and an upside-down world where liquid trickles up.

zippy_w_pinhead September 8, 2012 at 12:43 pm

My dog thinks that if he howls at a telephone he can make it stop ringing. Since the phone does eventually stop ringing, that proves he's right.

Blueb4sinrise September 8, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Cool. A new prayer:
AAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
AAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
AAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

zippy_w_pinhead September 8, 2012 at 1:15 pm

in all fairness to my dog, he's actually a lot smarter than that- he's not nearly as superstitious as your average Fundie. Someone really needs to introduce David Barton to B.F. Skinner…

Blueb4sinrise September 8, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Maybe your dog IS…………nah……never mind.

Jus_Wonderin September 8, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Shhhhhhh.

Boojum September 8, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Or introduce him to Hezekiah "Injun" Skinner and his knife, "Preacher".

YasserArraFeck September 10, 2012 at 8:28 am

Werewolves of London etc etc

DemmeFatale September 8, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Hey!!
My dog is a prophet!
He barks at bikes, and they disappear!

Callyson September 8, 2012 at 12:47 pm

And in Proverbs 18:22, God said "Oh, for fuck's sake."

tessiee September 8, 2012 at 2:07 pm

And he spake unto the vast multitudes, and the words he spake into their assembled ears were:
"Thou art shit for brains"

glamourdammerung September 8, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I thought that telling lies was a sin.

Doktor Zoom September 8, 2012 at 1:01 pm

"It's not a lie if you believe it."

–The Book of Costanza

BoroPrimorac September 8, 2012 at 12:50 pm

This reminds me of the Ninja death touch. Once the technique is applied, it may take forty or fifty years for the victim to die.

tessiee September 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

"Bart, stop using the Touch of Death on your sister" — Marge Simpson

LibertyLover September 8, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I suppose the NRA will be claiming next that if the wall had been armed, that it could have defended itself from those sledgehammer-wielding marauders.

SorosBot September 8, 2012 at 12:53 pm

I thought the walls came tumbling down when the One Ring was destroyed, taking with it the might of Sauron which had maintained them, after Gollum fell with It into the cracks of Mt. Doom where It was forged, the one place It could be destroyed.

Arborista September 8, 2012 at 12:57 pm

And I thought the walls came tumbling down when Clark Gable finally married Claudette Colbert in 'It Happened One Night'?

LibrarianX September 8, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Devoured by Sandworms.

SorosBot September 8, 2012 at 2:24 pm

No, you have to read the book not just watch the movie, which skipped over a lot of details; Paul and the Fremen used atomics to blow a hole in the wall which allowed them to attack with the sandworms.

LibrarianX September 8, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Arrakis walls stronger than puny commie walls…

Boojum September 8, 2012 at 2:22 pm

I thought it was Def Leopard.

Arborista September 8, 2012 at 12:53 pm

East German fundamentalists? Anyone else experiencing cognitive dissonance after reading that?

sewollef September 8, 2012 at 5:58 pm

I had to read it twice, to be sure I hadn't read The Onion's headline into it by mistake.

johnnyzhivago September 8, 2012 at 12:59 pm

This is awesome! This fall I'm going to try wishing away all the leaves that fall on my lawn. I am so finished with raking!!!

LibertyLover September 8, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Why don't you just wish them to fall on your neighbor's lawn in the first place and save yourself the extra step?

sewollef September 8, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Had the opposite effect on me last winter. In NYC we had tons of snow storms and in my neighbourhood of Brooklyn we hardly saw the Sanitation Department snow ploughs.

I wished a pox on all their trucks and the management.

Next morning after a particularly bad storm I looked out my front window to find a Sanitation Department snow plough down the road — stuck in over three feet of snow.

I'm telling you, this christianist god of theirs is a motherfucker with a twisted sense of humour.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 8, 2012 at 1:00 pm

This Theory leads me to believe he discovered weaponized trumpet technology, lost in the rubble of Jericho.

Chet Kincaid_ September 8, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Kudos to you, I'm surprised a Jericho reference wasn't in the post itself! Dr. Zoom must not have received proper Biblical-based home training.

Doktor Zoom September 8, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Au contraire! I simply assumed that it was such common knowledge that the Wonkettariat would find it banal. (As they do everything, because they are such jaded elitists…)

sullivanst September 8, 2012 at 2:26 pm

the Wonkettariat

*ding dong* Who's that at the door?

weejee September 8, 2012 at 1:29 pm

With the right harmonics that could be a noteworthy observation BoV.

SorosBot September 8, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I guess they can't used the weaponized Arc of the Covenant since that's been lost somewhere in a vast government warehouse since a certain archaeologist took it from the Nazis shorty before WWII.

HistoriCat September 8, 2012 at 10:47 pm

It's not lost – it is being studied by top men.

Top. Men.

Sassomatic September 8, 2012 at 2:10 pm

See, this is what happens when I sleep in. Someone else beats me to the Joshua and the Battle of Jericho reference.

Steverino247 September 8, 2012 at 1:01 pm

This asshole needs to see a doctor. Preferably, one of the Kevorkian School.

LibertyLover September 8, 2012 at 1:02 pm

"Death and Life are in the power of the tongue" Proverbs 18:21

So they licked the wall to death?

Blueb4sinrise September 8, 2012 at 1:06 pm

"Death and Life are in the power of the tongue." Judy 1985

Negropolis September 9, 2012 at 2:36 am

WIN

TribecaMike September 8, 2012 at 1:56 pm

I like Frito's Corn Chips, I love them I do. I want Frito's Corn Chips, I'll get them from you." — The Frito Bandito

LibertyLover September 8, 2012 at 2:10 pm

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-pop? One, Two, Three…CRUNCH. Three, It takes 3 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie-pop.

LibertyLover September 8, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Too bad the wall wasn't a Timex watch… it can take a lickin' and keep on tickin'

new_pic_for_NEWTer September 8, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Well there appear to be many opinions regarding walls coming down…

From The Style Council: Walls Come Tumbling Down
Songwriters: WELLER, PAUL JOHN

You don't have to take this crap
You don't have to sit back and relax
You can actually try changing it
I know we've always been taught to rely
Upon those in authority –
But you never know until you try
How things just might be –
If we came together so strongly

From DEF LEPPARD WHEN THE WALLS CAME TUMBLING DOWN

On the first day of the first month in some distant year
The whole sky froze golden
Some said it was the aftermath of the radium bomb
While the others told of a final retribution
A terrible revenge of the Gods
But we understood the grand finale
Fulfillment of a prophecy told many years before
So all that was left was

All the women were captured and chained
And national suicide was proclaimed
And new America fell to the ground
And all the children lay crippled lame

But all the nations came together
In fear of the thought of the end
No more would we fight in the streets
No courage had we to defend

When the walls came tumbling down
When the walls came tumbling down
Everybody ran as they screamed at the sound

Doktor Zoom September 8, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Apparently the Berlin Wall simply hear The Call

Biel_ze_Bubba September 8, 2012 at 4:17 pm

You can bend me you can break me
But you'd better stand clear…

Steverino247 September 8, 2012 at 1:16 pm

THE POWER OF CHRIST IGNORES YOU!

StarsUponThars September 8, 2012 at 1:19 pm

yeah, ask the people of Haiti what they think about Kenneth Copeland:
http://freethinker.co.uk/2010/01/27/televangelist

weejee September 8, 2012 at 1:31 pm

♪♫ One for you nineteen for meeeeeeeeeeeeee ♫♪

ChillBill September 8, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Everyone knows that Jesus hit the Berlin Wall with a Hadouken and St.Reagan finished it off with a Tiger Uppercut.

sullivanst September 8, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Shoryuken libel!

Negropolis September 9, 2012 at 2:36 am

Street Fighter (2?) libel!

Tequila Mockingbird September 8, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Something tells me that their knowledge of world history is limited to the lyrics of We Didn't Start the Fire.

sullivanst September 8, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I suspect you give them too much credit.

TribecaMike September 8, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Unlike Copeland and his ilk, rock & roll is here to stay.

Jus_Wonderin September 8, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Quiet everyone. I am praying.

LibertyLover September 8, 2012 at 2:11 pm

How can you pray when you have your fingers stuck in your ears like that?

HogeyeGrex September 8, 2012 at 10:44 pm

That's not his ear.

kittensdontlie September 8, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Talking sense to these fundies, is like talking to a wall, and as you clearly can see, their cracks are showing.

sullivanst September 8, 2012 at 1:45 pm

The wall fell down all by itself, the guys with sledgehammers were just there.

TribecaMike September 8, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Oh that Fred Willard and his wacky pranks! Got me again, Fred, you dog you!

Blueb4sinrise September 8, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Knock, knock.

TribecaMike September 8, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Who dat?

kittensdontlie September 8, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I wondering if Copeland will admit to offing the beloved children's character, Humpty Dumpty. The circumstances of his demise are suspiciously similar….

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

SigDeFlyinMonky September 8, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Blue jeans and rock'n'roll, forces that are feared always and everywhere by authoritarians secular and religious, is what did it. Free Pussy Riot!

Blueb4sinrise September 8, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Bruce 1988–East Berlin

Sassomatic September 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I thought the wall fell down because of that cat Joshua and his magical ancient brass band.

SorosBot September 8, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I always wonder why, while the wingnuts always talk about how awful the Berlin Wall was (and it was) while wrongly crediting Reagan with its coming down, they almost immediately turned around and decided it would be a great idea to create their own version along the border with Mexico, to keep out the brown people.

sullivanst September 8, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Cognitive dissonance. They love it.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 8, 2012 at 4:19 pm

"Do as we say, not as we do" is pretty much the entire wingnut/Xtard philosophy.

Angry_Marmot September 8, 2012 at 2:29 pm

When they ask if you've been Born Again, tell 'em you're still in labor.
(bumper sticker idea, patent pending)

Joshua Norton September 8, 2012 at 2:33 pm

On the other hand, if the idea that wishful thinking will alter reality is dressed up with some Bible verses

Hey, it works. Whenever I read an artilce about this dipshit, I say "Oh good lord, please don't let this bible-humping asshat ever appear on my TV set". And what do you know? He never does.

imissopus September 8, 2012 at 2:35 pm

I'm convinced. Now I will now devote all my free time to praying for the lovely Allison Brie to show up at my door wearing naught but a whipped-cream bikini and a mischievous smile.

ManchuCandidate September 8, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Too late man, I already have.

gogogodzilla September 8, 2012 at 2:38 pm

I'm still trying to wrap my dome around how they could walk around the wall without getting shot by East German border guards. Cloak of Invisibility, I'm guessing.

barto September 8, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Note to editor: when writing "The Secret", you must always do it this way:

"THE SECRET The Secret the secret (the secret)"

This is the proper way to represent the echoey thing…

ttommyunger September 8, 2012 at 2:59 pm

This pencil-necked pussyfart has used Millions of his ill-gotten gains to produce western movies with himself as the hero, shooting bad guys in the name of Jeebus and saving the day. His decades-long success in American Televangelism is a living testament to both his own avarice and the public's gullibility.

docterry6973 September 8, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Copeland prayed down the Berlin Wall? WHAT A GREAT GUY!!!! I wish there were some way I could send him some monies, in gratitude. He probably wouldn't take it though, the big lug.

MiniMencken September 8, 2012 at 3:49 pm

And here all along I was thinking Wotan did it.

ManchuCandidate September 8, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Levis jeans did more to topple the wall than Xtians ever did.

Isyaignert September 8, 2012 at 8:23 pm

Is that dude drunk? He sure sounds like it. All that was missing was the hiccups.

Dudleydidwrong September 8, 2012 at 9:09 pm

I understand that there is legitimate wall-knocking and illegitimate wall-knocking. If a wall is subject to legitimate wall-knocking the wall has a biological method of preventing the wall-knocker from knocking up (or down) the wall. I guess we know what kind of a bozo Ken Copeland is, the illegitimate fucker.

Isyaignert September 9, 2012 at 1:32 am

These posers don't believe the chit they're spouting. There is no Hell, because these guys KNOW they're lying and if they'd really be punished for being such lying dickhead crooks, they wouldn't do it. Amirite?

Negropolis September 9, 2012 at 2:05 am

I remember being taught Word-Faith in religion class in school. It was based on Matthew 7:7

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

So, I see they gussied it up and gave it a proper name, and it's quite frankly something taken from other earlier religions. BTW, of all of the evangelists, run as far as you can away from the ones that teach the "Gospel of Prosperity." It's a particularly shrewd, selfish, warped brand of christianity, American style.

I tell you, today, truly is a fool and his money soon parted.

Nostrildamus September 9, 2012 at 2:17 am

I prayed for a motorcycle once.

Then I realized, it didn't work that way, so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness.

Negropolis September 9, 2012 at 2:41 am

In the words of Stewie Griffin of Family Guy: Dear God…stay out of our way.

Larry McAwful September 9, 2012 at 7:43 am

Imagine how much more powerful this positive wishing would have been if they'd actually whispered to the wall in German, instead of God's own language of Dixie-style English. Did the Berlin Wall speak German? Or did it speak Russian, since the Soviets built it? To quote the signs all over the Creation Museum: you won't read about that in your school!

HelmutNewton September 9, 2012 at 10:29 am

Talk about a miracle: I can't believe this hack is still on the air! I remember seeing Copeland back in the 80's.

Then again, I see that Peter Popoff is back after he was busted by James Randi back in the day.

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