Everybody get your fine illegal Communist rum and your fine illegal Windowpane, and meet us back here just in time for the tribute to Old Handsome Joe Biden, and then Barry making love to you again like it is the first time. So like just before nine, like that! You don’t need a blow-by-blow of every note out of Mary J. Blige’s mouth. Just come back, whatever, we’ll see you then unless we see you first!
7:16 PM — OK guess we are starting early since Joe is straight up blubbering like a a drunken Irish John Boehner. God bless that sentimental son of a bitch.
We are not at the convention because live blooging is impossible when you can’t pause or rewind, and also we are not at the convention because we are never leaving the house again, because OLD AND TIRED. So old. So tired. But at least our eyeballs have stopped crackling, so that is a plus!
7:40 PM — Hot chick Naomi Bulochnikov from Current TV tweets this picture of Gabby Giffords getting ready for the Pledge. Everybody cry now, so you won’t have to later!
7:44 PM — OK, we will say it: the (male) talent at this convention has been piss-poor. We might have made out with the dude we did the acid with last night if he didn’t have a giant herpe on his mouth, but that would have purely been desperation. But the women? MY GOD THE WOMEN. All the women here look like Kerry Washington, swear to fucking God.
7:53 PM — Well, Scarlett Johansson is no Kerry Washington, is she? Bless her dumb lil bunny heart.
7:54 PM — The old gays gave the old folks of color a run for their money in the Dance to Earth Wind and Fire Contest. In fact — we think they MIGHT HAVE WON!
7:58 PM — Hey cryers. How’s your crying? Doing some crying, with your eyeballs and such, of tears? How about now? Liar.
8:01 PM — Whew, thank God they have brought Caroline Kennedy out to dry everyone’s eyes with just her personality. (BECAUSE SHE IS BORING.)
8:12 PM — Here you go, BigSkullFuckingDog, here is the Gabby video you missed while you were getting your hair did. (Definitely don’t watch Caroline Kennedy, yargh.)
5:17 PM — This is fun, this yelly thing Jennifer Granholm is doing like she is a cattle auctioneer. SAY MORE NUMBERS!
HAHA, who will be the first wingnut blog to compare her to Hitler’s impassioned speechifying style? Our money is on Daily Caller.
8:25 PM — SI SE PUEDE! Eva Longoria, when did you stop being an asshole who clocks valets and shit and start being so frigging menschy?
8:36 PM — Right, sorry, wasn’t paying attention for a sec. Apparently our gay husband Charlie Crist is on the teevee, making eyes at us. AND HOLY S TO YOU TOO!
8:50 PM — John Kerry is calling Mitt Romney out for being for it before he was against it. Now we just need ladies with Purple Heart Band-Aids please!
And now Commie Mom will be dusting off the Tiger Beat poster of John Kerry she liked to kiss before going to sleep. John Kerry is going AFTER every Republican, like Barney Frank calling that lady a table. Just slaughtering. And not explaining even one of his jokes!
Here is your blast from the past. Get ANGRY, Wonkers! ANGRY LIKE JOHN KERRY, AND HIS FLAMING SWORD OF JUSTICE!
9:10 PM — Ok, can someone please clip the old black dude on Cspan getting all funky with the U!S!A! and trying out a little something new with it?
9:14 PM — Pfft, oh, Jill Biden’s a “teacher.” What has a teacher ever done for anyone, really? Maybe she should try being something honorable, like “mom.”
9:16 PM — Well, the war in Iraq is sort of over, if you don’t count the rest of the war in Iraq. But let us not be picky. Let us sing John & Yoko songs!
9:19 PM — STOP CRYING PUSSIES.
9:20 PM — Scranton, chug a Mickey’s Big Mouth.
9:22 PM — This commercial is too commercialy. Cranky Face!
9:30 PM — Real question, for the Olds, who have seen stuff. Has any veep ever been beloved like our Old Handsome Joe Biden?
No one can pledge public love like a fuckin’ Scrantoner, apparently. “Jilly, you’re the love of my life and the life of my love.” WE ARE SORRY, but Barack is a little too Vulcany to eyefuck his wife in public like that, and you know Michelle is a little pissed about it.
9:44 PM — FOUL! FOUL! NOBODY IS ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT DEAD DADS, EVEN WHEN THEY ARE YOUR OWN. Sorry, dude, #RomneyRulez!
9:46 PM — And Joe with the velvet shiv for a man who doesn’t understand how to be an American. But you know, not mean! Joe loves Mitt Romney, thinks he’s a great guy! Except for how he is a Kenyan Marxist Socialist Anti-Colonialist Who Hates Cars And America. Just except for that!
9:53 PM — This is fine and all, but we don’t love Joey scripted like we love Joey just shooting off his Purty Mouth of Kindness. Remember the NAACP speech, when they booed him for saying he was gonna wrap up soon? Like that! (SORRY, DON’T HIT US.)
10:01 PM — OK, we take it back, and for the first time tonight are REALLY regretting the tab of acid we took last night that made us decide to stay home all day and forever and not be in the hall, we suck forever, teh end.