WELL SOMEBODY HAS TO UNCRUCIFY HIM  9:05 am September 7, 2012

Stand Up For God By Giving Allen West Your Money

by Rich Abdill

Put one on your friend's back!Remember when we told you about how the DNC delegates did that voice vote about putting God and Jerusalem in the platform, and the mayor of Los Angeles just made up the results, and then it kind of looked like the Democrats were booing God?

Don’t worry, somebody noticed.

Though the stupid fake voice vote is pretty much meaningless, Rep. Allen West (R-Kabul) specializes in stupid fake things that are pretty much meaningless (see: 18th-century treaties).

“Dems deny God 3 times. Allen is leading our fight against the radical left,” his campaign posted on Facebook.

And then, the most predictable of campaign imperatives: “Donate.”

And there’s even a fancy graphic! So all your Facebook friends will know that you have Defended God with your Holy Pile Of Campaign Cash.

Because whoa, everybody, how could you NOT be so outraged that the Democrats leave God out of their platform! This is America, where the Establishment Clause only counts if it wasn’t “the faith of the founding fathers,” which we have decided includes hating gay people and something about believing in lake monsters.

Also, it’s kind of his job now to be making Big Stinks, since Mitt Romney named him co-chair of the Romney Council on Why Don’t Any Black People Like Me, next to Rep. Tim Scott and Florida Lt. Gov. Jennifer “I Did Not Fellate That Woman” Carroll.

This is a familiar West tactic: Make something up, then ask for money to FIGHT THE MARXISM. Last time he pulled it, he was telling people Bill Maher called him an ape (and also taking credit for leading the Republican Party).

Just so you know, the Democrats do use “God” once in their platform:

We need a government that stands up for the hopes, values, and interests of working people, and gives everyone willing to work hard the chance to make the most of their God-given potential.

Well, that’s nice, in a doesn’t-mean-anything-in-particular kind of way. How do the Republicans use “God” in their platform (PDF)?

…our rights come from God…

Ok, that’s pretty tame.

We offer our Republican vision of a free people using their God-given talents…

Right…

We are the party of the Constitution, the solemn compact which confirms our God-given individual rights…

Got it.

In a free society, the primary role of government is to protect the God-given, inalienable, inherent rights of its citizens…

Really. It’s pretty clear.

We acknowledge, support, and defend the lawabiding citizen’s God-given right of self-defense…

Well, that’s kind of new. Stand your ground — for the Lord. Still, though, the Dems are saying the same stupid thing as the GOP. What are we arguing about again? That random delegate-folk booed a sham vote?

To be fair, there’s a little more in the GOP platform with the “God” stuff:

We condemn decisions by activist judges to deny children the opportunity to say the Pledge of Allegiance in its entirety, including “Under God,” in public schools and encourage States to promote the pledge. We condemn the actions of those who deny our children the means by which to show respect for our great country and the constitutional principles represented by our flag.

Ah, there it is! How dare Democrats not agree with the GOP on this issue! Showing respect for the Constitution means children are made to recite patriotic pledges with state-prescribed religious language in it. To suggest courts take a look at its constitutionality would be disrespectful to Constitutions everywhere.

But, in case you’ve forgotten that the Constitution says pretty specifically that the state can’t just be deciding which religions to endorse, a certain party put the language of it on the front cover of its platform:

It's faint, so faint we should all ignore it.Oh, forget the technicalities, the Democrats booed God! And Allen West needs money! Also, attention. A lot of attention.

So much, in fact, that he’s practically been live-blogging the DNC himself. We had one (er, a bunch), but without West would we have ever learned that Democrats hate Jews, for example, and that an Obama slogan, “Forward,” is actually “the Marxist/Socialist theme from the old Soviet Union”? It’s so true!

(Nazis have dibs on the Charlie Chaplin mustache, and Marxists have dibs on any verbs Democrats happen to use ever.)

Oh, and also, Michelle Obama said that the “great American dream” for some might happen to be gay marriage, but West reminds us that this is not true.

I thought serving a career in the military in several combat zones was patriotic…and being the third of four generations which has done so. Well Mrs. Obama, THAT is the American dream, and why I have always been proud of my country.

Shame on you, Mrs. Obama. Everyone knows icky sinner-gays are not the American dream — killing Bad Guys is the American dream, duh, and Allen West is here to remind us about it.

Thank God.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 125 comments }

Bluestatelibel September 7, 2012 at 9:09 am

God can stand up for himself; Allen West should get a job if he needs money, not beg for handouts.

PeaceWithHonor September 7, 2012 at 10:59 am

No, Allen is right. God is a quadriplegic with really low self-esteem. West, Bachmann and King are co-sponsoring the Deities with Disabilities Act.

Callyson September 7, 2012 at 2:05 pm

I know I'm praying for Allen West to go get a job…preferably not in Washington, DC…

BoatOfVelociraptors September 7, 2012 at 9:11 am

Well, god IS kind of a cripple these days. Can't even get his ass to mars. Had to outsource that business to NASA.

actor212 September 7, 2012 at 9:12 am

Can't I just deny Allen West three times, and make him go away? You know, like Beetlejuice?

sullivanst September 7, 2012 at 9:46 am

Has to be worth a try.

weejee September 7, 2012 at 9:12 am

Hey Allen, Richard Dawkins is on line 2.

FraAnima September 7, 2012 at 9:12 am

Different sign version:

"I'm with stupid."

or

"I went to the Rapture, and all I got was this stupid t-shirt."

freakishlywrong September 7, 2012 at 9:14 am

Self-loathing house Negro said what?

sullivanst September 7, 2012 at 9:47 am

Given the content of his character, it's no surprise Allen West would prefer to be judged by the color of his skin.

PuckStopsHere September 7, 2012 at 9:14 am

West supports faith-healing to replace ObamaCare

weejee September 7, 2012 at 9:14 am

Hey Allen², God is on line 3 and says Mittens is toast, not Jeebus.

actor212 September 7, 2012 at 9:18 am

Jesus is a wafer. I should know, I eat him every Sunday at church

Boojum September 7, 2012 at 9:21 am

Now, new Jesus Snax Lite, with fewer calories and more miracles!

Boojum September 7, 2012 at 9:22 am

Soylent Green is Jesus.

Boojum September 7, 2012 at 9:23 am

Actor, I can't stop laughing. You give new meaning to "Sunday Brunch."

I'll have the Jesus Benedict, please

actor212 September 7, 2012 at 9:31 am

Will that be with or without the Bloody Mary?

Boojum September 7, 2012 at 9:38 am

Oh, with, please, and a couple of those Hot Crossed Buns.

weejee September 7, 2012 at 9:40 am

Corpus Christi, si. Jeebus toast is sold on eBay.

Callyson September 7, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Thank you for this link–I have felt ill since waking up at 5:30 AM to get the jobs numbers, only to get a sinking feeling when Bloomberg TV reported the figures and going back to bed.

Also–Nate Silver has Virginia as light blue? Wow…

JustPixelz September 7, 2012 at 9:15 am

If God cared about this, He'd make his own campaign donations.

freakishlywrong September 7, 2012 at 9:18 am

You'd think a guy that terrorized Iraqis would not welcome Sharia Christian dogma influencing laws in our country..

Serolf_Divad September 7, 2012 at 9:18 am

Wait, I thought the American dream was borrowing a bunch of money from your dad then starting a business that specializes in leveraged buyouts of other companies, firing half the workforce, outsourcing the other half, liquidating pensions and then paying yourself millions of dollars in bonuses with the crushing debt you forced these companies to accrue?

Have I been wring this whole time? I'm so confused!

freakishlywrong September 7, 2012 at 9:21 am

Once I can afford to get muh teef fixed, I'll be a self-made millionaire just like Mitt! I have yet to build it!

ManchuCandidate September 7, 2012 at 9:25 am

Teef? I just wins the lotteries.

el_donaldo September 7, 2012 at 9:27 am

Wrung. You've been wrung.

weejee September 7, 2012 at 9:42 am

But do we know for whom the bell trolls?

grace_nearing September 7, 2012 at 10:19 am

**Have I been wrong this whole time? **

No, but you did forget the multiple-fee fees Bain charges their clients for facilitating their corporate deaths.

Boojum September 7, 2012 at 9:19 am

I will stand my ground against Allen West. With votes, of course.

Naked_Bunny September 7, 2012 at 9:50 am

I felt threatened! By his policy proposals, of course.

Terry September 7, 2012 at 9:19 am

"I thought serving a career in the military in several combat zones was patriotic…and being the third of four generations which has done so. Well Mrs. Obama, THAT is the American dream, and why I have always been proud of my country."

The American dream is being able to enlist in the military? Seems like a whole lot of countries pursue the American dream, including North Korea.

ManchuCandidate September 7, 2012 at 9:25 am

North Korea, like Allen West, does not approve of choice. One important difference is that the North Korean dream is more about getting to eat food.

FraAnima September 7, 2012 at 9:29 am

No no, killing Muslins is the American dream, and has been since the founding fathers created this great nation.

In the words of Thomas Jefferson: "We shall smite the towel heads at home and abroad, for the glory of our Republic."

sullivanst September 7, 2012 at 9:58 am

I thought that was John Adams, only it got a little lost in translation.

FraAnima September 7, 2012 at 11:13 am

Treaty, smeaty – from the Halls of Montezuma, am I right?

actor212 September 7, 2012 at 9:30 am

Say, you know who else encouraged the jugend of his nation to enlist in the military?

SigDeFlyinMonky September 7, 2012 at 10:28 am

George III ?

HistoriCat September 7, 2012 at 10:52 am
ManchuCandidate September 7, 2012 at 9:21 am

I'm not shocked. It is his MO: Put a gun to the head of folks and scare the shit out of them.

Steverino247 September 7, 2012 at 9:48 am

Well played, sir!

LibrarianX September 7, 2012 at 10:43 am

Old Testament GOD?

Goonemeritus September 7, 2012 at 9:22 am

“Mitt Romney named him co-chair of the Romney Council on Why Don’t Any Black People Like Me”

Hell I’m only a light shade of taupe and he still makes my skin crawl!

Boojum September 7, 2012 at 9:29 am

Mitt Romney is just like that song, "A Whiter Shade of Pale."

actor212 September 7, 2012 at 9:33 am

We skipped the dance Rafalca
Turned flip flops cross the floor
I was feeling kinda 'botic
The crowd flew out the door

sullivanst September 7, 2012 at 9:59 am

He does leave me feeling kinda seasick.

Not_So_Much September 7, 2012 at 9:33 am

Let's give him a couple bags of pennies. Dropped from a building.

Bezoar September 7, 2012 at 9:40 am

Onto his head, with votes.

Tundra Grifter September 7, 2012 at 11:07 am

I think it was in the 1930's when a baseball player caught a ball dropped from the top of the Washington Monument.

He snared it, but the force broke his jaw.

Sir_Fartz_Alot September 7, 2012 at 3:26 pm

preferably ass pennies

SigDeFlyinMonky September 7, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Foot pounds on target.

Texan_Bulldog September 7, 2012 at 9:34 am

I'm going to hate everyone until this election is over–although some people (see West, Allen are easier to hate than others…along with all my crazy FB friends who constantly post the stupid pictures and tell me how much a Socialist/Marxist/Kenyan/America hater Barry is).

RadioX September 7, 2012 at 9:47 am

Don't forget baby killer too.

CrunchyKnee September 7, 2012 at 9:34 am

Sheeeeeiiiiiiiiiitttttttt. I thought the More-mans didn't recognize the blahs as heaven-worthy until the 70s or so. Radical left, my ass.

el_donaldo September 7, 2012 at 9:35 am

Instead of donating to West for his god, give your dollars to me and my sky god, Marduk! I promise that my imaginary friend will stand taller and stronger for a third of the money of West's guy. Promise. Plus Marduk will protect us from mystical ocean dragon gods as an additional bonus.

actor212 September 7, 2012 at 9:45 am

Say, I haven't seen many dragon gods splashing around these parts…put me down for a tenner!

el_donaldo September 7, 2012 at 10:24 am

Better make that a twenty. I hear someone's been putting money down on the dragon gods.

actor212 September 7, 2012 at 10:52 am

Damn Romney!

finallyhappy September 7, 2012 at 10:38 am

Give it to the FSM and you get dinner thrown in

HistoriCat September 7, 2012 at 11:14 am

Is there a menu or is it prix fixe?

Estproph September 7, 2012 at 9:36 am

Uh, West, that little voice you hear in your head…?

That ain't God. Just sayin'.

Bezoar September 7, 2012 at 9:36 am

No, but it's true, remember how before Soviet communism we always had to say "No, stop, turn around, go the opposite of backward!"

kittensdontlie September 7, 2012 at 5:21 pm

It is surprising to find out back then, that only the communists had a clear vision on which direction was best to go. Christians had some idea with their "ONWARD Christian Soldiers", but which way is 'onward'?

Bezoar September 7, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Thanks for your response, I’m tickled whenever someone replies to me. By the way, good thought.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 7, 2012 at 9:39 am

This God guy just seems to be in it for the money.

Isyaignert September 7, 2012 at 12:36 pm

God sure does come off as an @sshole. Not sure I care to have friends like that.

no_gravity September 7, 2012 at 9:39 am

The real testament to this guy is that this article has been posted for a half an hour and there's only 34 replies.

actor212 September 7, 2012 at 9:40 am

Romney Council on Why Don’t Any Black People Like Me, next to Rep. Tim Scott and Florida Lt. Gov. Jennifer “I Did Not Fellate That Woman” Carroll.

Does anybody pity Tim Scott here?

Don't. Well, not completely, at any rate.

Baconzgood September 7, 2012 at 9:40 am

I thought Chick-fil-a was the american dream.

grace_nearing September 7, 2012 at 10:20 am

No. Surveys show it's Cracker Barrel, which is, by the way, open on Sundays.

Biff September 7, 2012 at 9:41 am

No one can accuse him of going off half-cocked, anyway.

actor212 September 7, 2012 at 9:44 am

I would. I doubt he's that well-hung or he'd actually get laid and calm down.

PinkoPopulist September 7, 2012 at 10:01 am

Perhaps this is why he's a black conservative and not a liberal. I'm still waiting for science to catch up to this theory.

CleverSobriquet September 7, 2012 at 9:41 am

This should cover us. (Thanks to Roger Zelazny)

Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen.

bobbert September 7, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Thank you, Dad.

sullivanst September 7, 2012 at 9:42 am

There's nothing more Godly than asking for money. Honest.

Tundra Grifter September 7, 2012 at 11:08 am

Than Michele Bachmann has an express ticket to Heaven.

sullivanst September 7, 2012 at 11:24 am

Bad news for Sheley though: if it's anything like my conception of what heaven would be if it existed, she'll think it's hell.

sudsmckenzie September 7, 2012 at 9:42 am

I would be compelled to donate if it was a fund for Allen Wests psychiatrist.

PinkoPopulist September 7, 2012 at 10:00 am

God is probably his psychiatrist, so in a way this works.

Guppy September 7, 2012 at 9:44 am

“Dems deny God 3 times. Allen is leading our fight against the radical left,”

So did Peter. Does that mean he was a crypto-Muslim, too?

Well Mrs. Obama, THAT is the American dream,

It's official: Republicans literally dream of a world with war, war and more war.

Steverino247 September 7, 2012 at 9:50 am

The Peter Principle?

Naked_Bunny September 7, 2012 at 10:12 am

I hope that doesn't somehow involve Twitter pics.

Naked_Bunny September 7, 2012 at 9:58 am

Dems deny God 3 times. Allen is leading our fight against the radical left

Hmm. Since Peter was the apostle who denied Jesus three times, but went on to found the Christian religion and become the most important apostle, I guess this metaphor puts Allen into the position of Pilate and means his supporters are demanding the release of Barabbas.

Guppy September 7, 2012 at 10:39 am

Nah. West and the GOP are active fear-mongers, trying to whip up a popular panic, decrying their enemies for blasphemy and apostasy, and always oh-so-in-favor of killing.

Annas and/or Caiaphas come to mind.

RadioX September 7, 2012 at 9:48 am

The tithe comes in, the tithe goes out, who can explain it?

Naked_Bunny September 7, 2012 at 9:50 am

For an all-powerful, infinite being, God sure needs a lot of emotional and financial support from poorly educated mortals on fixed incomes.

PinkoPopulist September 7, 2012 at 9:59 am

The terms Allen, West and God in one headline give me a tingly sensation in my pants. Anyone know what this might be?

fatbob54 September 7, 2012 at 11:06 am

Carbonated diarrhea?

MosesInvests September 7, 2012 at 11:06 am

Immanent explosive diarrhea?

Tundra Grifter September 7, 2012 at 11:08 am

Your move, Mark Foley.

Or, if he's busy, Larry Craig.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 7, 2012 at 11:10 am

Peristalsis.

PinkoPopulist September 7, 2012 at 11:18 am

It was explosive diarrhea…nothing to see here…move along…

Chichikovovich September 7, 2012 at 10:00 am

"Dems deny God 3 times"

Well, West knows that his Christianist base of supporters certainly will understand what he is alluding to here:

The Democrats are a rock on which Christ will found His Church.

Katydid September 7, 2012 at 10:04 am

"Dems deny God 3 times."

Wait, is West saying Dems are like St. Peter?

Naked_Bunny September 7, 2012 at 10:11 am

Vocal Christians who demand that everyone respect their religion even though they don't know anything about it? That's new. /snark

LibrarianX September 7, 2012 at 10:07 am

Poor God – all powerful omnipotent creator of the universe. People are being mean to him/it/whatever and needs our help. With, er – money…

Biel_ze_Bubba September 7, 2012 at 11:03 am

God has run up a bit of an infinite debt over the infinite time He's been around doing stuff, and of course He would never violate God-given Constitutional Republican principles by creating more greenbacks.

StillGoinGreen September 7, 2012 at 10:42 am

Shouldn't it be "Dems deny God THRICE"?

actor212 September 7, 2012 at 10:54 am

The count shall not be two unless it is suceeded by three, nor shall thou countest to four. Five is right out.

StillGoinGreen September 7, 2012 at 11:06 am

Maybe they are raising funds to purchase many holy hand grenades of Antioch to lobbest at we heathen Demoncraps!

MosesInvests September 7, 2012 at 11:07 am

We being naughty in their sight.

StillGoinGreen September 7, 2012 at 11:21 am

The parallel is actually uncanny, isn't it?

TootsStansbury September 7, 2012 at 10:45 am

Fuck I can't stand zealots.

Jus_Wonderin September 7, 2012 at 10:55 am

Can't GOD stand up for himself??????????????

Biel_ze_Bubba September 7, 2012 at 10:58 am

So "under God" is a constitutional principle? I don't suppose West can point out where we might find that in the Constitution. (The actual one, not the Xtard fantasy one that Jeebus gave to George Washington, that time he was in Jerusalem.)

timbo71351 September 7, 2012 at 11:00 am

Christ, what an insufferable asshole. Is this just an act to get the drooling old wingnut vote, or is this guy really that big of a dick?

PinkoPopulist September 7, 2012 at 11:20 am

Both, with an emphasis on the latter.

Tundra Grifter September 7, 2012 at 11:10 am

I recall Abraham Lincoln saying something about how we'd all be far better off if we spent less time claiming God is on our side, and more time working to be sure we are on God's side.

Tundra Grifter September 7, 2012 at 11:11 am

So, in Allen West's world, Jesus threw the money changers out of the temple because they had max'd out their Federal campaign contribution limits?

Steverino247 September 7, 2012 at 11:20 am

Jesus thinks you're a jerk!
Would He really use Allen
To do His work?
Uh uh!

Peckerwood_Pete September 7, 2012 at 11:30 am

If Allen West needs money, he ought to consider pulling his begging ass up by the boot straps…. maybe even getting a 2nd or 3rd job… it's a "uniquely American" thing to do, you know….

Blueb4sinrise September 7, 2012 at 11:31 am

Too much arithmetic in this post.

randcoolcatdaddy September 7, 2012 at 11:36 am

God helps those who help themselves.

I always help myself to some earplugs when Allen West is in the room.

BarackMyWorld September 7, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Allen West: using religion to distract people from how terrible you are at your job since whenever the hell it was he was elected.

TribecaMike September 7, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Peter denied knowing Jesus three times and he went on to establish one of the world's largest religions. See ya in the Liberal Vatican, sucka!

Callyson September 7, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Oh, for God's sake.

TribecaMike September 7, 2012 at 2:23 pm

In 303 CE, the emperor Diocletian ordered his soldiers throughout the Roman empire to destroy churches, confiscate and burn their sacred books and strip anyone who resisted of civil rights, status, and police protection. Christians in Alexandria reported that 660 of their own were killed in that city alone between 303 and 310.

The radical left's persecution skills obviously leave a lot of room for improvement.

docterry6973 September 7, 2012 at 2:50 pm

God needs me to pay Allen West to stand up for Him? Something about that doesn't seem right.

Schmegeg September 7, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Dear Allen:

Shut the fuck up and let me die in peace.

Thanks,

God.

PS: See yoy real soon!

Lazy Media September 7, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Democrats denied God three times. Peter denied Jesus three times, and went on to be the first Pope. Therefore, Democrats molest children and cover it up.

azeyote September 7, 2012 at 6:40 pm

i think i'll take my ass down to walmart with a sign that says god loves me and loves you too for giving me all your money – and your daughter too.

ttommyunger September 7, 2012 at 11:05 pm

So, not being able to make it in our Army, Allen enlists in the Army Of Gawd. Jeez, they'll take anybody.

redarmyzombie September 8, 2012 at 7:02 am

Allen West is just upset because no one will give him a blowjob.

actor212 September 7, 2012 at 9:41 am

Hey, Mel? Jesus on a raft, boil him, with a side of Peter's ass and a Mary's tampon!

Boojum September 7, 2012 at 10:14 am

That's a wrap.

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