SHINING BIGOTS ON A HILL  11:40 am September 6, 2012

Not At All Racist or Sexist National Review Staff Tells You Why Not to Vote For The President

by Kris E. Benson

William F Buckley, founder of the not at all racist and sexist National ReviewWe need to get that uppity negro out of the White House because he only signs the back of checks instead of the front of them, but we are not racist! (says the National Review Online Staff). And also! The people who point out that we’re racist — THOSE are the real racists, OF COURSE. This is all laid out for us in a horrible/hysterical 689-item list of reasons to not vote for Obama.  So if you’re racist or sexist or hate Poors or really have a problem with education, then there is something in this list for you! Herewith, some of the highlights – and lowlights — of National Review’s 689 reasons to not re-elect Barack Obama.

First, we’ll bring you the reasons that are not at all racist before moving on to the ones that are not at all sexist and then finally we’ll mosey on over to the ones that are about more substantive issues, like whether or not Obama wears mom jeans.

267. “Anyone can grow up to be president,” but we didn’t need someone to prove it.
35. Because his neck must be hurting from keeping his chin up in the air for nearly four years.
599. For his runaway narcissism, e.g. December 20, 2011: “I would put our legislative and foreign-policy accomplishments in our first two years against any president — with the possible exceptions of Johnson, FDR, and Lincoln.”
687. Because that first public cigarette will be smooooooth.
105. We need a president accustomed to signing the front, not the back, of checks.
63. So you’ll be able to criticize the president again without being called a racist.
66. For the existence of food-stamp parties.
79. And $762,000 to develop YouTube–like dance software
366. “If I had a son, he’d look like Trayvon.”
648. Filing briefs in support of affirmative action and race-based quotas in public universities.
649. A new federal office specifically dedicated to educational efforts for African Americans.
650. Race-based quotas for school discipline.
651. “I am a strong supporter of affirmative action.”
612. So Olympic gold medalist Gabby Douglas can once again enjoy an Egg McMuffin in peace.
22. Because he listened to the Reverend Wright’s crackpot racist diatribes for years and then gave us a lecture on racism.

Yes, we know that the staff at National Review Online ESPECIALLY does not need that “lecture” on racism. Oh and by the way, there is no war on women, and it’s certainly not being waged by conservatives.

3. Because Julia needs to get off her lazy, federally subsidized butt, get a real job, and pay for her own damned birth-control pills.
332. The Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act.
427. Expanding combat roles for women.
333. Favoring reintroduction of the Equal Rights Amendment.
344. He advocates nullification of almost all federal and state limitations on abortion.
345. He opposes the partial-birth-abortion ban.
346. He overturned the Dornan amendment, which had outlawed taxpayer-funded abortions in Washington, D.C., for 13 years.
675. He throws like a girl.
347. A 100 percent pro-abortion rating from both NARAL and Planned Parenthood.
348. A 0 percent rating from National Right to Life.
350. Opposing the Hyde Amendment.
351. Supporting public funding for Planned Parenthood.
331. The “War on Women”

It’s a War on Caterpillars, duh. Also, did you know that Obama hasn’t ever run anything? Or had a job?

4. Because lots of people fail at their first real job.
269. Every ambitious state senator in the country with no accomplishments is now thinking, “I could be president within four years.”

But enough about Marco Rubio, let’s move on to Issues that Matter.

661. Mom jeans.

OOh did someone say mom jeans??

Romney rocks his mom jeans

Oh and do you like wars? The kind that kill Islamics, not the kind that are against poverty or illiteracy or whatever.

418. Abandoning Iraq.
419. The Afghan deadline.
422. Naïve outreach to Iran.
423. His blatant bad faith on stopping the Iranian nuclear program.
434.“No one nation can or should try to dominate another nation.”

Sorry, just reminding you that this is supposed to be a list of CONS not a list of PROS. The National Review would also like to remind you that they hate education and Poors. And again, try to remember that this is supposed to be a list of CONS not PROS.

165. Increasing spending on Head Start.
166. Increasing education spending across the board.
163. Increasing S-CHIP spending.
114. Because he thinks health care is a “right.”

Also! Fun fact! Conservatives at the NRO love smoking weed all of a sudden, which we didn’t see coming.

161. Breaking promises about medical marijuana.
162. Record spending on the War on Drugs

There we have it folks. Conservatives at the National Review (who are not at all racist or sexist) urge you not to vote for Obama because he is uppity and hasn’t bombed enough Islamics and also because he won’t let them smoke weed in peace while they criticize the president and force women to have babies.

[NRO]

 
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{ 260 comments }

actor212 September 6, 2012 at 11:43 am

That's the best rebuttal the right can come up with for Charlotte.

I mean that snarkily AND seriously.

Barbara_ September 6, 2012 at 11:43 am

Maybe it is just because Obama doesn't believe that being born a woman shouldn't be a pre-existing condition with the health care companies.

nounverb911 September 6, 2012 at 11:44 am

Being born is a pre-existing condition.

Barbara_ September 6, 2012 at 11:45 am

As is being old.

memzilla September 6, 2012 at 11:47 am

I got the vodka, please pass the Geritol.

weejee September 6, 2012 at 11:57 am

That'll make a dandy cocktail. The Geritol is 24 proof.

tessiee September 6, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Pepto Bismol + Scotch = Potch

weejee September 6, 2012 at 11:58 am

You folks set for Mina's surgery tomorrow?

Barbara_ September 6, 2012 at 12:09 pm

WeeJee, I am very nervous about the surgery. She's two months-old now and healthier and she's in good hands. I will be glad for tomorrow to be over with. Thanks for caring.

bobbert September 6, 2012 at 3:04 pm

STOP JUDGING ME!!

eggsacklywright September 6, 2012 at 11:51 am

Poor babby is sick already.

SorosBot September 6, 2012 at 12:10 pm

He that isn't busy being born is busy dyin'.

Boojum September 6, 2012 at 1:14 pm

And some of us were that good at multi-tasking even then.

Lascauxcaveman September 6, 2012 at 12:09 pm

BARB, YOU JUST NEED TO GET OFF YOUR FAT, WONKETTE-SUBSIDIZED ASS AND BUY YOUR OWN DAMN BIRF CONTROL.

Then make me a sammich.

Barbara_ September 6, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Lol, would you like that on pretzel bread with homegrown tomatoes and bacon?

Lascauxcaveman September 6, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Yes, please. If it's not too much trouble. And just a smattering of dijon.

tessiee September 6, 2012 at 1:09 pm

There is NOTHING that wouldn't be good on pretzel bread with homegrown tomatoes and bacon!

OK, maybe okra.

bobbert September 6, 2012 at 3:09 pm

To be fair, not the best setting for rhubarb either.

Boojum September 6, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Can I have one with just the bacon? And the mustard and maybe a leaf or two of lettuce? And a pickle? Some baby swiss might be nice, as well.

Oh never mind, move over, I'll make it.

emmelemm September 6, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Don't forget the arugula!

nounverb911 September 6, 2012 at 11:43 am

690. He beat that poor Grizzly mom four years ago.

memzilla September 6, 2012 at 11:43 am

By Rethuglican logic, then, murdered people are the real murderers. Because Sekkun Menment, duh!

"Stop Trayvonning yourself! Stop Trayvonning yourself!"

JohnnyQuick September 6, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Weed-smoking medically-bankrupted child killers for Romney!

Especially the ones in the Vatican!

ChillBill September 6, 2012 at 11:44 am

But doesn't NR stand for "Not Racist"?

memzilla September 6, 2012 at 11:46 am

G-d willing, it'll stand for "N***** Re-Elected." But not in a racist sense, of course.

Oblios_Cap September 6, 2012 at 12:15 pm

I always thought it stodd for "Not Rational".

ChillBill September 6, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Nutty R-tards.

Arborista September 6, 2012 at 12:31 pm

For me, it stands for 'Not Reading'…

Boojum September 6, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Neo-Racist. Or Now Racist. Or Nuper-duper Racist!

OK, not that last one.

OurHoboSenator September 6, 2012 at 11:45 am

The fail is strong in this list.

Jus_Wonderin September 6, 2012 at 11:45 am

Someone needs to community organize that list.

ManchuCandidate September 6, 2012 at 11:46 am

The One Reasons why the National Review Votes for Romney
1) White, uptight, cowardly warmonger dipshit stuffshirt idiot who'd rather burn down US America to keep rich than help build up US America. And he's not a "Ni-CLANG-er!"

actor212 September 6, 2012 at 11:46 am

There we have it folks. Conservatives at the National Review (who are not at all racist or sexist) urge you not to vote for Obama because he is uppity and hasn’t bombed enough Islamics and also because he won’t let them smoke weed in peace while they criticize the president and force women to have babies.

And Michelle wants to take away their Cheetos.

Too.

Also.

Arborista September 6, 2012 at 12:34 pm

I agree that they're probably terrified of the 2nd term War on Junk Food that this nanny state will inevitably bring. Maybe should invest in Frito-Lay when Obama wins in Nov, since there will probably be a run on 'the snacks we like'…

Boojum September 6, 2012 at 1:18 pm

You'll pry my stale, chewy Cheetos out of my bloated, fat fingers.

bobbert September 6, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I have an idea involving Cheetos and the staff of NRO.

horsedreamer_1 September 6, 2012 at 6:27 pm

I am surprised they havn't branded her anti-obesity effort as backdoor redistributionism of the flamin' red chips.

timbo71351 September 6, 2012 at 11:46 am

Fuck those people.

FlownOver September 6, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Where could I have left that rusty chainsaw, anyway?

Sacanagem September 6, 2012 at 11:47 am

“Anyone can grow up to be president,” but we didn’t need someone to prove it.

We need a president accustomed to signing the front, not the back, of checks.

They really don't remember anything that happened before 2009, do they?

sullivanst September 6, 2012 at 12:16 pm

It's funny, because I thought they were all about complaining about runaway Federal spending…

Also, they have a point about not needing it proven that anyone can grow up to be President. I mean, his predecessor partied through college on gentleman's Cs, got busted for drunk driving, and failed at every job he ever did.

Graham Cracker September 6, 2012 at 1:12 pm

At least his predecessor had a job, unlike that social working/college professor/lawyer that is now darkening the oval office.

WhatTheHolyHeck September 6, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Wait, if he signs the front of the check, that's the federal government spending money on something. Isn't that what they don't want?

vodkamuppet September 6, 2012 at 1:35 pm

You're thinking too hard, just go with it.

Jus_Wonderin September 6, 2012 at 11:48 am

In my best Chandler voice: "Could they suck any harder?"

DaveJ September 6, 2012 at 12:29 pm

I think it's more like "Could they BE any more sucky?"

larrykat September 6, 2012 at 11:48 am

The National Review will "sock him and he'll stay plastered!"

FakaktaSouth September 6, 2012 at 11:48 am

Increasing Spending on Head Start.
This lacks enough explanation. They need to say it plainly. Hey, fuck all the kids who need help with an education in the most important years of their lives. It's not OUR fault they can't learn stuff on their own, they shouldn't have been born poor. WHY can't they just get an education and STOP BEING POOR? Circular logic is my next favorite AFTER cognitive dissonance.

Boojum September 6, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Why, yes, poor people are morally and genetically inferior, which is why they are uneducated, so therefore they would not benefit from spending any funds on educating them. The poor dears merely get frustrated and are much happier pushing brooms.

HistoriCat September 6, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Are there no factories? Are there no mines?

Fare la Volpe September 6, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Nope.

We got Wal-Marts.

miss_grundy September 6, 2012 at 11:41 pm

Are there no workhouses? Why, no Mr. RomneyScrooge, we'd rather help people so they can succeed…

gullywompr September 6, 2012 at 11:49 am

I HATE that Gabby Douglas remark. Hate it.

fartknocker September 6, 2012 at 12:00 pm

That statement is utter bullshit and hatred. Good Lord, she's a child who has made more sacrifices than any of the bloviating shit-for-brains at the National Review. And she represented this country in the Olympics. As Ron White says, there are no pills to cure stupid.

Jus_Wonderin September 6, 2012 at 12:09 pm

"…there are no pills to cure stupid."

I think this depends on how many we give stupid.

AnAmericanInTO September 6, 2012 at 12:59 pm

I don't even understand it.

Someone explain please?

Weenus299 September 6, 2012 at 1:05 pm

It's in the racist pile, but I consider it sexist, because it alludes to Michelle Obama making an extremely light-hearted comment about it on a late-night talk show. I think it presents FLOTUS as the First Naggin' Wife.

doloras September 6, 2012 at 7:42 pm

"There's a NAGGER in the white house!" – Victoria Jackson

WhatTheHeck September 6, 2012 at 11:49 am

These clowns at NR are like Sarah Palin, in that they will say anything to get noticed.
Maybe if we ignore them, they will fade away.

Jus_Wonderin September 6, 2012 at 11:59 am

It has worked so well for Palin. I ignore her with the intensity of 1000 red hot suns. It is like when Mom used to say "just ignore your spoiled little brother and he will stop'. In practice he was even more devilish.

miss_grundy September 6, 2012 at 11:44 pm

Sarah Palin's contract with Faux News is almost up. Considering that they pay her a cool million a year for her commentary and she sounds like such a dipshit, perhaps Roger Ailes will not renew her contract and she'll have to find a real job in the Republican universe..

Arborista September 6, 2012 at 12:38 pm

They would be happy if WE stopped paying attention because then they could be 'not racist' even more explicitly.

SexySmurf September 6, 2012 at 11:49 am

We need a president accustomed to signing the front, not the back, of checks.

We need a President who's deeply in debt, and I think I'm just the man for the job.

SexySmurf 2012!

Arborista September 6, 2012 at 12:40 pm

The NRO folks are so quaint- who even sees a check these days? Isn't everything direct-deposit?

miss_grundy September 6, 2012 at 11:45 pm

What about electronic fund transfers????

Joshua Norton September 6, 2012 at 11:51 am

My goodness, the transmissions from Planet Zorak are coming in quite clear today. Sunspot activity must be down substantially.

Thunderclees September 6, 2012 at 11:52 am

The American people pay attention to 689-item lists all the time.

Sharkey September 6, 2012 at 11:52 am

Give me a B!

Give me an A!

Give me a R!

Give me an A!

Give me a C!

Give me a K!

Maybe stop giving me things now.

Boojum September 6, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Socialist. Wanting all those welfare letters.

mrpuma2u September 6, 2012 at 11:52 am

These whiners are just mad that he bowed to some Arab royal, instead of holding hands with one on a long walk in a private garden.

The NRO is all "free the weed" now? Who knew.

Chichikovovich September 6, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I think what really bugs them is that he didn't give that same royal a big ol' smooch on the lips like their erstwhile hero President [Redacted] did. They were fapping to those photos for weeks.

Lascauxcaveman September 6, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Let's just say the editorial quality has slipped a bit since the days of Wm F Buckley, Jr.

I actually used to read that rag a bit back when I was a teenager, as my Dad was a subscriber. It was pretty well written back then, enough to get me started out as a conservo-libertarian when forming my first political views.

I don't remember reading a single word about abortion in those pages, back in the day.

SayItWithWookies September 6, 2012 at 12:28 pm

They're not any better — they've just dropped the crypto- from the racism and fascism.

Edit: That was coherent. What I meant was that the old NR wasn't any better — the current NR has just dropped the crypto. Buckley was a racist fascist pig, he just hid it well.

sullivanst September 6, 2012 at 12:33 pm

I actually used to read that rag a bit back when I was a teenager, as my Dad was a subscriber. It was pretty well written back then, enough to get me started out as a conservo-libertarian when forming my first political views.

There's no shame in being a libertarian as a teenager. It's the ones who fail to mature out of it that should be embarrassed.

miss_grundy September 6, 2012 at 11:47 pm

You mean like Lyin' Ryan who still believes that Ayne Rand is cool……

sullivanst September 7, 2012 at 1:02 am

Well, Lyin' Ryan may think Ayn Rand's economic nihilism is cool, but her ghost has a starkly different view of his desire to impose his fundamentalist religious views on the nation in the social sphere.

So yeah, I guess I mean him, but mostly Ron Paul and his band of merry tards (who rapidly cease to be merry when you point out the numerous obvious fatal flaws in their sophomoric political philosophy, or the contradictions of their beloved object of worship).

sullivanst September 6, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Don't forget the mouth-kissing.

One_who_wanders September 6, 2012 at 11:53 am

Well, the NR does know all about "Runaway narcissism!"

orygoon September 6, 2012 at 11:53 am

689? Oh, they're trying to overcome the "arithmetic" thing?

Blueb4sinrise September 6, 2012 at 11:53 am

Haz email from The Big Dog this morning. Sez Dok Zoom and the live blog kicked ass, so he's sending Dok $1000 and each commenter $100, even if you only commented ONCE!!!

prommie September 6, 2012 at 11:59 am

Bupkis for me then! yay!

actor212 September 6, 2012 at 12:05 pm

And you get a check! And YOU get a check! And you get a CHECK!

James Michael Curley September 6, 2012 at 12:27 pm

This is the Big Dawg – You get a chick, and you get a chick and you get a chick!

Chichikovovich September 6, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Plus new wheels, transmission, differential, engine, electrical system, chassis, shocks, paint job, body work, brakes, fuel pump, and a big pair of rear-view mirror fuzzy dice for Vlad.

Monsieur_Grumpe September 6, 2012 at 11:53 am

689? Pfffftt!
I got one good reason not to vote for Mitt and that is all I need.

Jus_Wonderin September 6, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Is that reason that he is an entitled asshole?

sullivanst September 6, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Maybe that he's a pathological liar who, on the off-chance that he actually keeps any of the promises he's made during this campaign, will impinge so heavily on civil rights while simultaneously fucking up the economy so horribly, we'll all be convinced we fell through a time portal to the Dark Ages?

FlownOver September 6, 2012 at 12:37 pm

so, that's two.

tessiee September 6, 2012 at 1:14 pm

"I got one good reason not to vote for Mitt and that is all I need."

Paul Ryan.

That IS what you meant, isn't it?

eggsacklywright September 6, 2012 at 11:53 am

Racism and sexism, now a feature, not a bug.

randcoolcatdaddy September 6, 2012 at 11:55 am

Top Reasons I Should Ignore the National Review:

1. It's the racist, sexist, horridly written National Review.

Maman September 6, 2012 at 11:55 am

Is the NRO implying that the President doesn't pay his bills? You sign the front of checks then. Or are they implying that he goes to the currency exchange with a wad of bills?

DaveJ September 6, 2012 at 12:33 pm

I think the logic goes something like this "Black –> Can't possibly hold a job –> Welfare –> Gets checks from government."

Although that may be generous, and the logic might be more like "Black –> bad"

Joshua Norton September 6, 2012 at 11:55 am

267. “Anyone can grow up to be president,” but we didn’t need someone to prove it.

*cough*George Bush*cough*

Most of it sounds like a list of grievances about Chimpy's qualities. Except they added the "uppity" innuendos just to make it seem more current.

SorosBot September 6, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Hey, Chimpy had the three most important qualities for President; white skin, a penis, and a shitload of money.

Stevola September 6, 2012 at 1:26 pm

We shouldn't call him Chimpy. It's a fucking insult. Chimps are intelligent.

Callyson September 6, 2012 at 11:55 am

I thought you were kidding until I clicked on the link for some reason.

Can't decide if I am supposed to be amused, irritated or dumbfounded. Think I'll go with AOTK…

PeaceWithHonor September 6, 2012 at 11:56 am

Intellectual poverty

mrblifil September 6, 2012 at 11:56 am

To whichever college freshman-age son of a Senate staffer was tasked with coming up with that list: Enjoy your sandwich coupons kid!

MissTaken September 6, 2012 at 11:56 am

105. We need a president accustomed to signing the front, not the back, of checks.

I am so fucking sick and tired of being treated as a second-class citizen for being an employee instead of an employer. Fuck this shit.

Jus_Wonderin September 6, 2012 at 12:02 pm

I am with you. I pay my taxes AND I don't hide any of it offshore. I am soo tired of this job creator shit. No, they didn't build that………….!!!

Nothingisamiss September 6, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Fuck this shit.

Amen.

SorosBot September 6, 2012 at 12:08 pm

In the National Review's world, you should be grateful for whatever scraps you get; why you're even allowed to vote even though only the "job creators" really should be!

actor212 September 6, 2012 at 12:09 pm

I'd upfist you twice, but you're spoken for.

SexySmurf September 6, 2012 at 12:15 pm

I didn't go to Harvard Business School, but I think if you're writing more checks than you're cashing you're not creating any jobs. In fact, you might want to rethink your entire life.

AddHomonym September 6, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Chin up! There is no job "created" until someone like you comes along and does it.

bobbert September 6, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Also, too, in any organization of reasonable size (including the gummint), it's NOT the CEO who signs the fucking checks. As these assholes might know if they'd ever had a fucking job.

Fare la Volpe September 6, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Is that what that meant? I sat staring at that line for a good 10 seconds in abject confusion before moving onto the next line of crazy.

Also too, fuck them in their fucking fuckholes.

MissTaken September 6, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Yup, that's what they are getting it. It's from the same mindset that gives us meager cogs in the wheel bosses who *remind* us that they are the ones paying for us to have food on the table and a roof over out head so we better do exactly as they say. Assholes.

IncenseDebate September 6, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Super upfist to the max!

SayItWithWookies September 6, 2012 at 11:57 am

If you're upset that we got our troops out of Iraq, then vote Republican. After you get the fuck off my planet.

prommie September 6, 2012 at 11:58 am

Shorter version, one reason: 1. He's Blah!

FakaktaSouth September 6, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I have to say honestly though, when Andrea Mitchell broke in and was all breathless about how PresO was a-coming to the arena last night and she didn't know why or what he was going to do, my first thought was of course, "the president is near." Some stuff creeps in.

prommie September 6, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Lock up your liquor and your womenfolk!

FakaktaSouth September 6, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Shiiit, that was well in order for the FIRST black pres. Or at least it shoulda been at my house when Bill was talking.

bobbert September 6, 2012 at 3:21 pm

The NRO Condensed List, FTW.

MadBrahms September 6, 2012 at 11:58 am

687! Ah, an epic battle between wingnuts' capacity for rage and the US American attention span.

ChernobylSoup September 6, 2012 at 11:59 am

I see National Review gave up on dog whistling and just cold bought a white sheet and a bull horn.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 6, 2012 at 11:59 am

I'm convinced! OBAMA 2012!

FakaktaSouth September 6, 2012 at 12:01 pm

That's what I thought. Who the hell knew the NRO would make why I want to vote for him so plain…in only a billion stupid words.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 6, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Obama should just run that as a really long, insane campaign ad.

GemlikeFlame September 6, 2012 at 12:00 pm

The smell of fear and desperation is palpable. Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch.

prommie September 6, 2012 at 12:00 pm

I left off the other reason: 2. Our Israeli Overlords don't like him.

SexySmurf September 6, 2012 at 12:00 pm

I thought a 689 was a sex act involving Jonah Goldberg, K-Lo and two large pizzas with everything on them.

Jus_Wonderin September 6, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Ewww. Ewww. Can. Not. Look.

MissTaken September 6, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Everything on them?

Is *them* the two large pizzas or Jonah and K-Lo? Ugh, actually, nevermind. Barf.

HistoriCat September 6, 2012 at 1:41 pm

It's lunch time for some of us you know!

Fare la Volpe September 6, 2012 at 4:13 pm

I have now lost all interest in eating sushi off a stripper for my birthday.

Thanks a lot.

SorosBot September 6, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Oh great, there goes my lunch.

DaveJ September 6, 2012 at 12:35 pm

You have a truly legitimate weight-loss plan here, you need to trademark that shit.

tessiee September 6, 2012 at 1:18 pm

There's such a thing as a sex act that includes pizza?
*takes notes*

bobbert September 6, 2012 at 3:23 pm

There's such a thing as a sex act that involves Jonah and K-Lo?

*Barfs prodigiously*

veritass September 6, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Reads like a note left behind by a serial killer.

Estproph September 6, 2012 at 12:09 pm

It is a lot like David Adkisson's list, isn't it?

grandinquisitor September 6, 2012 at 1:05 pm

A serial killer with a head injury.

fartknocker September 6, 2012 at 12:02 pm

I hope that Rafalca reads this and prances his big horse ass into there office and takes a big, big, big, enema induced dump.

Jus_Wonderin September 6, 2012 at 12:07 pm

My Dad always told me that horses can only breathe through their nostrils. I can hold Rafalca's nostrils closed for a bit so the result is more "explosive".

T3rbo September 6, 2012 at 12:03 pm

ahahahahahahahahahahaha! Right wingers are so funny-who wrote this, Victoria Jackson? I have NEVER laughed so hard in my life. "Because that first public cigarette will be smooooooth" OMG!!!!! ROFL!
114. Because he thinks health care is a “right.” aaaahhhhhh hahahahahahah! Get it? Fucking dignity of the individual, oh man, my sides hurt….

LibertyLover September 6, 2012 at 12:03 pm

*sniff* *sniff* I think that the National Review Staff has something on their shoe.

actor212 September 6, 2012 at 12:05 pm

I think that's actually IN the shoe.

Lucidamente1 September 6, 2012 at 12:03 pm

They forgot "All he looks for is tight pussy, loose shoes, and a warm place to shit."

DaveJ September 6, 2012 at 12:36 pm

In truth, who among us does not enjoy any number of those three items?

ChernobylSoup September 6, 2012 at 12:03 pm

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

anyway all ha-has aside, this "probably going to quit" part is indeed accurate!

- Jim Newell, on Twitter

Arborista September 6, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I hope that doesn't mean what I think it does.

bobbert September 6, 2012 at 3:25 pm

The Vagabond Ginger is getting loose in the socket?

christianmuslin September 6, 2012 at 5:15 pm

don't join sarah palin and become a quitter, the tea party wins!

MacRaith September 6, 2012 at 12:04 pm

You waded through that whole list to pick these parts out of it? Goddamn. Take the rest of the day off to let your brain recover. You deserve it and you probably need it.

T3rbo September 6, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Yeah, no joke. What a nightmare of a list
62. Because Americans deserve the opportunity to see which White House pet will ride atop the Romney presidential limousine

Yikes, what's next, a list of people that the NR want to hate fuck to death?

Estproph September 6, 2012 at 12:07 pm

"3. Because JuliaBubba Jo needs to get off her lazy, federally subsidized butt, get a real job, and pay for her own damned birth-control pills."

SorosBot September 6, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Wait, these are all reasons to vote for Obama's reelection; National Review fail!

MissTaken September 6, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Someone at the DNC tonight should just read this list word for word to guaranfuckingtee Obama's reelection.

SorosBot September 6, 2012 at 12:28 pm

They're doing even a better job bragging about Obama's accomplishments than the convention!

cromiller September 6, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I was just wondering if this was some sort of weird Eastwood-esque performance art piece, in which we are subtly told why we should reelect him.

johnnyzhivago September 6, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Who says Obama is not a job creator! Look at all the mental health jobs he's creating by driving conservatives crazy.

ravi_shankar September 6, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Gore Vidal can still kick William F’s skinny butt even though they’re both still dead.

BlueStateLibel September 6, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Too bad they couldn't come up with even ONE reason to vote for Mitt Rmoney.

T3rbo September 6, 2012 at 12:14 pm

1)Because no Ron Paul for you, ignorant hillbillies. Romney or GTFO.

tessiee September 6, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Because White Whiteney and his whiting white White Whitean are white, DUH!!

actor212 September 6, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Lemme help you, NR

690. INTERCEPTED!

sullivanst September 6, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Here's my list of one reason to vote for Obama:

1. Because the National Review hates him.

That should be enough for you all.

rickmaci September 6, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Yep. And reason 690, ABCD (Anybody But that Colored Dude).

Terry September 6, 2012 at 12:15 pm

WTF is a "food stamp party"?

Jus_Wonderin September 6, 2012 at 12:17 pm

I think it is like Home Decor or Tupperware. Centsy.

eggsacklywright September 6, 2012 at 12:23 pm

You put a bunch of food on the floor and stomp on it.

James Michael Curley September 6, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz libel!

Andrew Drinker September 6, 2012 at 12:34 pm

It's where all of us poors get together and buy a whole bunch of blocks of gubmint cheese with our food stamps and then watch Newt Gingrich inhale each block whole while laughing maniacally.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 6, 2012 at 12:57 pm

You get to roll around in Hobo beans like Ann Margaret in Tommy.

tessiee September 6, 2012 at 1:21 pm

*hopefully*
I bet it includes cakes we like!
$: – 9

GeorgiaBurning September 6, 2012 at 1:37 pm

For what they've done to the middle class, must be the Republicans.

James Michael Curley September 6, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Kris, it is very noble of you to read all this so we don't have to go to NatReview's web site. But, why do you do it to yourself? Do you wake up some mornings and wonder where all the band-aides came from?

el_donaldo September 6, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I believe that first reason, that #267 -“Anyone can grow up to be president,” but we didn’t need someone to prove it., is actually the reason why conservatives decided against a Palin candidacy.

And let's get one thing straight, National Review. Romney wears mom jeans; Obama wears dad jeans. Dorky, yes, but not quite cringe-inducing.

Terry September 6, 2012 at 12:17 pm

" Increasing spending on Head Start."

How can you hate pre-school?

actor212 September 6, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Look, wouldn't you hate the teacher that left YOU back?

T3rbo September 6, 2012 at 1:02 pm

because good white people don't use head start, that's a muslin kenyan socialist handout to non whites!!11!!! RESTORE AMERICA!!!! also

grandinquisitor September 6, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Early childhood education is for terrorists.

Hera Sent Me September 6, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I can think of 689 reasons K-Lo has never gotten laid.

Chichikovovich September 6, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Is each one a kilogram?

sullivanst September 6, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Oo, you're vicious. I was thinking pounds.

Chichikovovich September 6, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I was going to use the unit "stone" that they still use in the UK.
But I thought that would be unkind.

sullivanst September 6, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Yeah, that might've stretched physics a little.

But it does bring to mind one of my favorite Private Eye covers ever.

bobbert September 6, 2012 at 3:30 pm

This raises an exotic mathematical/physical question.

Estimate of Chris Christie in stone?

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 6, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Surely those are all reasons to celebrate.

MinAgain September 6, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Those poor National Review folks. They all think they're wits, but they're only half right.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 6, 2012 at 12:20 pm

105. We need a president accustomed to signing the front, not the back, of checks.

Have these assholes never heard of direct deposit?!

SorosBot September 6, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Or of, you know, paying fucking bills?

FlownOver September 6, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Indeed they have. It's their entire position on acceptable sexual activity.

Arborista September 6, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Tee hee!

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 6, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Reason 690: HE'S BLACK!

sullivanst September 6, 2012 at 12:29 pm

I think that's reason 0.

tessiee September 6, 2012 at 1:35 pm

That's also reasons 1 through 689.

BTWBFDIMHO September 6, 2012 at 12:27 pm

At least he doesn't throw like Elton John.

smitallica September 6, 2012 at 12:29 pm

A note on humor to every conservative who has ever lived, except maybe Sam Kinison:

Stop. You're doing it wrong.

smitallica September 6, 2012 at 12:30 pm

A shorter version of the list:
1. He's uppity.

Andrew Drinker September 6, 2012 at 12:31 pm

161. Breaking promises about medical marijuana.
162. Record spending on the War on Drugs

"Pssst, hey, Ron Paul people…I know you really hate us, but could you pretty pretty please with sugar on top come out and vote for Romney instead of staying at home or voting for Gary Johnson? Puh-leeez? We promise we'll be nicer to you. Someday."

sullivanst September 6, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Maybe they'll give a nice eulogy at the funeral.

SpiderCrab September 6, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Dear NRO staff,

Even if Mittens wins, you are all a bunch of smegma sucking losers.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 6, 2012 at 12:35 pm

I'm sure the many black writers at NRO raised objections.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 6, 2012 at 12:37 pm

In some fairness, while they all now fawn over Clinton, in the 1990s, Conservatives thought he was a Socialist Commie sleeper. Not sure if they thought he was a Muslim. Pretty sure they thought he was black.

James Michael Curley September 6, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Just last night the Vice-Chair of our town's Republican Party called Clinton a draft-dodger and got all bent when I asked him what he did. "That is not the issue!" I know from hearsay that he was classified 1-Y because of large birthmarks on his right arm.

Chichikovovich September 6, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I hope you keep at it every time you see him. "You look familiar somehow. Hey, you're about my age – maybe we met overseas? Where were you deployed? What unit were you in?"

James Michael Curley September 6, 2012 at 2:44 pm

I do that with another Republican in town who had the audacity to show up for the Memorial Day Parade in full modern day cameo. I love it when he starts to squirm and explains he ‘did not have the opportunity’ to go to Vietnam but was ‘in Thailand.’ Then I walk him through having to explain that he never got to Bangkok because he was a ‘cargo master’ on a C-130 which maybe he spend 6 hours there on each turn around.It’s self inflated sleaze like this that allow the Paul Ryan’s of the world to propose drastic cuts to the growth of active duty salaries, increases in the cost of Tri-Care for service families and a net-negative budget for the Veterans Administration at a time when the percentage of service members who survive their wounds but face living without limbs is higher than any time in history and in any war in any part of the world.

upislandgirl September 6, 2012 at 12:42 pm

690. Because we're a bunch of whiney little assholes who are still sulking over the fact that Osama motherfuckin' Bin Laden was killed on his black socialist muslin watch.

Chichikovovich September 6, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Ah, and of course the list contains:

457. “Cap and trade.”

or as it's now come to be called among Republican propagandists "Cap and tax" or "Obama's cap and trade".

There is so much dishonesty emanating from that crowd this one can easily get lost. But for the record: Cap and trade is a market-based solution, and for that reason it was attractive to, and worked out into its final form by, the Bush Administration.

tessiee September 6, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I almost posted a link here, but it made me too stabby and head splodey. The link was basically a list of reasons to vote for Mitt, and those reasons included:
– He's humble
– He's a self-made man
– He will bring jobs back (I assume not those jobs that he sent overseas)

This could not possibly be any more backwards/projectiony if the person making the list actually lived in Bizarro Land.

T3rbo September 6, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Fuck this list: everything on it that refers to something specific is a lie, and everything on it that is non specific is ugly.
Oh my god, the stimulus paid for less than half of a bridge that connected two halves of the Microsoft campus that created 400 jobs and was part of a public road???!!!!???NO!!!!!!!!!
And yes, we should not re elect Barack Obama because he wanted to increase funding for Head Start, because blah people

ChickTract_Fil_A September 6, 2012 at 12:48 pm

A hillbilly bumper sticker gold mine!

Limeylizzie September 6, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I thought these were comments from the hideous people who read NRO, didn't realise they were from the hideous people who write NRO.

tessiee September 6, 2012 at 12:54 pm

“If I had a son, he’d look like Trayvon.”

They could have saved themselves the trouble of writing out the other 688 reasons.
This is the real reason; anybody who says anything else is either lying, or delusional, or both.

T3rbo September 6, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Yeah, what the hell. More like "Obama, who is a black, has BLACK CHILDREN, which is offensive"

tessiee September 6, 2012 at 12:58 pm

"“Anyone can grow up to be president,” but we didn’t need someone to prove it."

History fail, ass gaskets.
It's already been proven.
Bill Clinton grew up dirt poor, and was raised by a single mother, and became President, and a pretty damn good President, at that.

UnholyMoses September 6, 2012 at 1:01 pm

"34.“No one nation can or should try to dominate another nation.”

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

T3rbo September 6, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Yeah what in the holy hell does this even mean? Another right wing pro war statement from those with no military service? The editor of the National Review, Rich Lowry, has no military service, which pretty much explains that point. Chicken. Hawk.

UnholyMoses September 6, 2012 at 1:22 pm

It's just the sheer … spite. That's all that list is: all of the things conservatives hate, like not being the boss of the world, actually trying to help poor people, anything that encourages women to be independent and have control of their own lives … just …

Fuck me.

What stuns me about all of this is that they used to hide this shit. Sure, they always thought like this, but they were clever enough to know most people would reject such a worldview. So they acted as if they cared, weren't racist and sexist pigs, etc.

But now?

They have to go all in to appease their base, all while turning off everyone else.

Thankfully, that's NOT a winning strategy for long-term success.

tessiee September 6, 2012 at 1:40 pm

"…unless that nation has oil that we want. USA! USA! USA!!"

tessiee September 6, 2012 at 1:03 pm

"105. We need a president accustomed to signing the front, not the back, of checks.
66. For the existence of food-stamp parties.
63. So you’ll be able to criticize the president again without being called a racist."

I know, right? How come everybody thinks the constant references to welfare and food stamps are somehow racist?

AnAmericanInTO September 6, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Years ago, the dearly missed SPY magazine did a list of 1000 reasons not to reelect George H.W. Bush.

Of course it was a different time and half of them were "Dan Quayle, Oh Noooo!"

ChickTract_Fil_A September 6, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Hmmmm. I see, I see. All very good talking points worthy of debate. Here is my retort, in the manner of speech you are so accustomed to. Ahem – FUCK YOU! This battle of wits is over.

tessiee September 6, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I upfisted you solely for your screen name, and now I haz a sad, because I wish I'd upfisted you for the MST3K reference.

Weenus299 September 6, 2012 at 1:06 pm

This list is conclusive in that I can say why I don't read the National Review or anything like it: it's not the politics, it's the fucking stupidity of the god-damned writing.

cromiller September 6, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Will NRO provide paystubs from Johah and K-Lo to confirm that equal pay is not being administered?

tessiee September 6, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Shorter: "I got 689 problems, and a near ain't one".

ChickTract_Fil_A September 6, 2012 at 4:45 pm

Good catch on the mst3k thing! I never could make a comment too obscure around here.

T3rbo September 6, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Oh lord, I thought I had specially tuned white people ears, what could pick up all the dog whistles, but it turns out no. Check out the comments on the 'story,' it's like a bunch of particle physicians talking entirely in jargon that no one understands. My ears are ringing, but I have no idea what is going on over there. An example, provided by a 'reader:'
718. Maoist Czars

yes, Maoist Czars indeed. I get what they mean, kind of, but the specifics must be pulled from a technical manual somewhere: my father in law's emails, perhaps, about Obama not saluting the christmas tree because Barack HUSSEIN Obama hates freedom?

bobbert September 6, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Actually, that sounds like snark to me.

T3rbo September 6, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Nope, not snark: it's some kind of talking point!
http://nation.foxnews.com/czars/2009/10/20/obama-

because someone quoted mao, they are maoist

and I quote:

枪杆子里面出政权

barto September 6, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I need a MINIMUM of 690 reasons to not vote for the black guy. Get on it NRO.

Antispandex September 6, 2012 at 1:31 pm

To be fair, the good folks at The National Review may not be racists. I mean, are you a racist if you are simply pandering to the racists to get votes? See what I mean? It's like the R.N.C. pandering to poor whites to get votes. Are they poor? Hell no! They spit on the poor. However, if you ever want to be rich, the kind gentlepersons at the R.N.C. are willing to hold out the carrot….but you will probably only get the stick.

tracyhasfun September 6, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Your logic. I like it.

tracyhasfun September 6, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Can you just SEE these clowns, all clustered around a beat-up laptop, dicks in hand, saying "ooh, ooh, i got another one" and dribbling all over themselves. Complete fratshit.

AtwatersGhost September 6, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Reason #63b–So you'll be able to criticize the President and call him 'f-ing n-er' without be called a racist.

proudgrampa September 6, 2012 at 1:37 pm

My goodness.

National Review is a racist, asinine publication with absolutely no redeeming features.

I don't remember William F. Buckley, Jr. being THAT hopelessly embicilic.

bobbert September 6, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I do. He just had a good vocabulary.

zippy_w_pinhead September 6, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Good Lord, these clowns sure do sulk a lot…

HistoriCat September 6, 2012 at 1:50 pm

We've got 688 reasons to vote for President Obama and one which is unclear.

675. He throws like a girl

Which girl? Let's get specific here.

PinkoPopulist September 6, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Jenny Finch?

bobbert September 6, 2012 at 3:40 pm

BANG! (And by that, I mean the sound of a softball striking the catcher's mitt).

PinkoPopulist September 6, 2012 at 3:54 pm

I think it's probably THUD! But point taken.

HistoriCat September 7, 2012 at 7:46 am

So that makes it 689 reasons for – well done National Review!

horsedreamer_1 September 6, 2012 at 6:31 pm

All of them, Katie.

DahBoner September 6, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Is 'National Review' some kind of code words for "touched in the head"???

PinkoPopulist September 6, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Racism
Sexism
War Mongering

The Conservative trifecta!

dennis1943 September 6, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Then,there is the one reason to vote for Obama…………Romney…….

gurukalehuru September 6, 2012 at 3:57 pm

I think (fantasize) that Obama is playing super duper double psychology on these guys. Once they think they've got him flanked and they put forth a bill completely legalizing marijuana, to attract the youth vote, you know, he'll turn around and sign the son of a bitch.

glamourdammerung September 6, 2012 at 5:46 pm

723. Because an alleged publication that is a feeder program for VDARE and Stormfront said so.

ttommyunger September 7, 2012 at 8:19 am

SOMEBODY has way too much time on their hands.

actor212 September 6, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Well, we're all praying/hoping/crossing fingers for ya and Mina

weejee September 6, 2012 at 12:33 pm

As actor sayz, we're giving you a major group om on this.

BTW, after we cross-posted last week got some not so good news in Katie's last scan. She'll be moving to a clinical trial chemo starting next week, so we're all hoping on that. She's such a trooper, when her best friends who were there with her at the meeting with her oncologist, they asked to take her to lunch to be followed by an afternoon group hug. She thanked them but declined saying she had to go to her school to get her classroom ready for school opening this week.

Boojum September 6, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Crossed fingers here. And toes. Just don't tell Dick Morris.

MosesInvests September 6, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Prayers for Mina from Austin. Love ya, Barb! And by extension, your family.

Barbara_ September 6, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Thanks.

bobbert September 6, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Ditto that.

HistoriCat September 6, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Those students lucky to have such a dedicated teacher.

Oh snark – I meant "dedicated union thug."

Barbara_ September 6, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Oh God, Katie is such a brave woman. My heart goes out to her and the whole family.

bobbert September 6, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Very best thoughts, and hopes that the trial bullet works. What a strong woman.

Chichikovovich September 6, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Ah, yes. The sad end of good old Capn' Bob.

A great man indeed.

weejee September 6, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Thanks

weejee September 6, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Thanks for that Barb. She is amazing, she blogs on it here.

Hera Sent Me September 6, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Two boulders.

Chichikovovich September 6, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Exotic mathematical/physical answer: His associated Stone space isn't measurable.—

Barbara_ September 6, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Love you so very much, Moses. Let's meet here tomorrow and have fun. Mina's surgery is at 7AM Eastern time.

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