Artist's depiction -- no actual photos of Michael Dukakis existOne of the fun/awkward things about the party conventions is seeing how they deal with loser candidates from years past! Like, Jimmy Carter, an actual former president, was only allowed to address the DNC via video, so that they could cut him off if he started chanting “Death To Israel” or whatever. But what about whatshisname, the little guy, lost in 1988, never got to be president in the first place — yeah, Michael Dukakis! Him! Apparently he’s roaming around the convention and was even allowed to give a speech of some sort to … people eating breakfast … or something? The Boston Globe article about it helpfully provides zero context, but that’s OK, because it does report all the mean Dukakis zingers! Mrow!

According to the Globe, Dukakis, who was governor of the same liberal hellhole state that Mitt Romney ruled some years later, has a “famously blunt speaking style.” We will take their word for it, because your editor is not old and thus doesn’t remember much about the ’88 campaign (although he did do a bit for his 9th grade shop class where he rapped the Tone Loc classic “Funky Cold Medina” as if Michael Dukakis were doing it, and it killed). Nevertheless, these nuggets do seem to support the assertion:

  • “We know better than anybody what a fraud [Romney] is … If every American voter hears [that Massachusetts was 47th in job creation under Romney], he’s gone, absolutely gone, because it’s the only thing he’s got left.”
  • “Yeah, I know Elizabeth [Warren]’s media hasn’t been as good as it should be, and she knows that, and I think you’re going to see some significant changes.” (Warren’s people immediately denied any such plans.)
  • “Let me tell you something: [Former Boston mayor and current Scott Brown-endorser] Ray Flynn hasn’t voted for a Democrat since he voted for George W. Bush in the year 2000 … The Ray Flynn that I worked with then, and I knew and respected, wouldn’t have given Scott Brown the time of day. Tax cuts for the rich? Repealing Obamacare? Are you kidding me? Flynn? I don’t know what’s happened to him … Change of life, I don’t know.”

Haha, Dukakis says that Ray Flynn is an old woman with menopause! Anyway, if anyone spots George McGovern or John Kerry wandering around Charlotte muttering insults under their breath, please let us know. [Boston Globe]

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  • nounverb911

    Needs more funny looking tank helmets.

    • HogeyeGrex

      And Willie Horton posters.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      This comment deleted because once again, I didn't read through the comments first, and yes, once again, Actor212 scooped me on the murdered kitty joke.

      • HistoriCat

        Bless your heart!

    • PuckStopsHere

      I was actually physically there the day Dukakis rode around in that tank at a plant in Sterling Heights, MI and I have to tell you, at the time I didn't think it was a big deal at all. Maybe, in light of what they did to use in '88, if we'd have produced some ads in '04 of Bushie running around on the flight deck with his jockstrap on outside his pants we could have made some inroads. I don't know. But, as the SNL debate skit had Dukakis saying in '88 of GHW Bush, "I can't believe I'm losing to this guy…"

  • no_gravity

    I could have sworn he was dead.

    • LastGasp

      In a sense, he is. (Political purgatory is worse than death, just ask Sarah Palin or John McCain)

    • emmelemm

      He gets that a lot.

    • ttommyunger

      Nobody wants to break it to him.

    • tessiee

      You're thinking of Keith Richards.

  • SorosBot
    • Ruhe

      A truly great moment in SNL history…and sad…cause it was so true.

      • SorosBot

        Those were the golden years, with Carvey, Lovitz, the late, great Phil Hartmann, and future Senator Al Franken as head writer.

    • Crap, beat me to it.

    • mrpuma2u

      As someone of ethnic Greek descent, I can tell you when he cracked the "my parents were little people. Little swarthy people." I and many other Greeks laughed our asses off. The muse was truly upon the cast and writers with that skit.

  • mrpuma2u

    Somebody get Mike a cocktail (as long as Kitty isn't around)

    • HogeyeGrex

      She'll just have the Chanel, thanks.

    • She and their daughter are being legitimately raped and killed by Bernard Shaw, but it's OK, they can't get pregnant

    • Ruhe

      Kitty? I thought she had been raped and murd…oh, shit! That was just hypothetical? Well no wonder he didn't get all worked up about it. And to think I voted for Bush because of all that! Duh! My bad, America!

    • larrykat

      Wasn't Kitty swilling down vanilla extract or cologne or something too?

      • mookwrthwilson

        With Tom Hanks?

  • Allmighty_Manos

    I had a to give presentation to my 7th grade social studies class on why I wanted my parents to vote for Dukakis. I can't remember the details, but I think it had something to do with the holy terror the children of Bush would bring upon this nation. Who's a fag now Brian Elby?

    • anniegetyerfun

      I was one of two "Democrats" (read: kids with a Dukakis button) in my seventh grade class. One of two very bruised Democrats.

    • ThundercatHo

      That Brian Elby was always such a little dickweasel. I heard he manages an airport hotel and makes corporate videos about getting a new departure/arrival board in the lobby.*

      actual fate of old boyfriend/most boring human on the planet

    • finette_

      I'm a few years younger than you. A "mock election" was held in my grade school class, but helpfully no one told us thing one about the candidates or the issues. I chose GHWB because he was "cuter." I still remember my mom's involuntary yelp in the car after school.

  • The "trash talking" crazy old man Dukakis might have had a better chance in 1988 against Bush I. Debatable considering what an awful quasi-racist shit and Faux newz commentator Geraldine Ferraro turned out to be…

    • SorosBot

      I think you're mixing up your failed 80s Democratic tickets there, Dukakis; running mate was Lloyd Benson. (And they did much better than Mondal/Ferraro, but still, you know, lost).

      • You're right.

        • SorosBot

          Unfortunately you replied before I could fix my stupid typos.

          • In other words, you got Actor212'd.

  • hagajim

    Why do I flashback on the old Life Cereal commercials every time Dukakis raises his head (not sure he's really even tall enough to do that)….as in "Look! He like's it! Hey Mikey!"

  • OzoneTom

    "Warren’s people immediately denied any such plans"

    Because running a lackluster media campaign worked out for Martha Coakley so well.

    • She needs to get her shit together. Fast.

      • Veritas78

        She's going to lose to Brown by ten points. Total disaster. I hope she pulls something off tonight, but I'm not sure I can watch.

        • HELisforHEL

          No, sadly. Great message, but wrapped In a large, endlessly gray roll of drab. She's so incredibly dull and ill at ease; yes, it shouldn't matter if you have the right intentions, but it's 2012 and it does.
          Sigh, can't someone send her to Toastmasters or Dale Carnegie or some such shit? Mowtown's charm school perhaps?

  • IceCreamEmpress

    DUKAKIS NEEDS NO CONTEXT. Love that he just brought the slams.

  • Antispandex

    This may be a little off topic, but isn't it weird how much that picture looks like Rod Blagojevich?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Also Seattle Mariners pitcher Jason Vargas.

    • this was exactly what i thought.

      then i remembered blagojevich probably looks different now.

  • I remember Mike Dukakis and the monotonous staccato of his voice as it dribbled on my desk and reading my name backwards in the glass: "REGNAD KCIN." My secretary lay snoring on the floor, her long beautiful gams pinioned under the couch. I didn’t hear him enter, but my nostrils flared at the smell of his perfume. Pyramid Patchouli! There was only one joker in LA sensitive enough to wear that scent and I had to find out who he was!

    • Ohforcripessake

      Shoes for industry!

    • OzoneTom

      Rocky Roccoco?

      • Thanks, half pint! You just saved me a lot of investigative work.

        • OzoneTom

          At your cervix!

        • MosesInvests

          Maybe yes, maybe no.

      • MosesInvests

        How did you get in here, Roccoco? You don't have a key!

        • No, I had to split mine with the sound effects man

          (*thanks, Rocky!*)

    • deliman4

      Rocky Roccoco at your cervix

  • EatsBabyDingos

    When did Olympia get a sex change and change her name to Mike? He is one ugly woman. And he looks like Rod "Rod" Blagowhatever.

  • The opposite of whatever Dukakis says is always good advice for the DNC.

  • Baconzgood


  • vodkamuppet

    He's the marionette that caught a football that one time, right?

  • anniegetyerfun

    My parents were little people. Little, swarthy people.

  • OT, but these are the kind of people we're dealing with.

    • I used to be in local B.S. politics so nothing surprises me – except – you would think this entire clan would keep it's collective mouths shut over anything controversial.

      Once again, these Romneys act like the election has been bought and paid for already.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Maybe they know something we don't.

  • prommie

    Oh fuck, sound the alarm, a fucking democrat has infiltrated the Democratic National Convention! Security, remove him immediately!

    • FakaktaSouth

      I may not be understanding this, but since that is the theme of my day, I'll go with it. What the hell did he say that was so bad?

      • prommie

        Nothing. But you know, he looked funny in the helmet so people are gonna fuck with him as long as he lives. Just like that nice Jimmy Carter. Nuclear engineer, obviously too dumb to be president. Nothing to do with George H.W. Bush treasonously conspiring with a foreign enemy (Iran) so they would keep the 54 american hostages and not release them until AFTER THE FUCKING ELECTION. Whis was a close election. And which illegal treasonous conspiracy established the pattern of illegally and secretly dealing with the Iranians throughout the Reagan years, leading to Ollie and Fawn and all that fucking illegal shit. And eventually to GHWBush having to pardon pretty much his entire national security staff to keep them all from going to prison.

        Oh but its all Carter's fault he is a loser. Fucking America gets what it fucking deserves, I swear.

        • FakaktaSouth

          Oh yay, I got one right.
          I knew about Ronnie letting all them hostages hang out til he could swoop in, that was some evil shit for real. This here though, calling some dude that used to be a dem on being a dick for voting for Dub and whatnot, I don't know? Sounds right to me? I liked Michael. I was 16 and couldn't vote for him, but I think he was smart. I've seen him say stuff on some documentaries and he's an all right guy.
          And Elizabeth Warren hasn't been getting the press she deserves, she should be praised everyday for the Consumer Protection Laws and if she gets beat by Scott Brown, it will be a travesty. And Romney blows. Let me know when I should get offended.

          • prommie

            Well if all you fucking know is that SNL made fun of him maybe then you just think Dukakis is ridiculous and anything he says must be ridiculous regardless of content or context. Meanwhile you can write shit that just slobbers all over Obama's fake democrat dick like he is some genuine hero instead of just the fucking guy who wasn't the even way worse fucking guy. Fanboi fucking lameass shit. I don't mind cynical, but poseur cynical is lame.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Good lord I wasn't expecting the slobbery Obama dick tirade, but I guess you never can. You're going to get me in trouble with Chet. Stop it.

          • prommie

            What, Chet knows Obama is a DINO, doesn't he?

          • FakaktaSouth

            I'm not speaking for Chet, and I don't think that is true. He may not be perfect but he's no Ben Nelson.

        • Terry

          Yeah, and Carter has spent his post-presidency years doing nothing but playing golf and charging massive fees to speak. Oh, wait, that's the Republican former presidents. Jimmy's been building houses, vaccinating kids for diseases most folks don't even realize exist, and monitoring elections.

        • HELisforHEL

          Oh Prommie, you and I, we share so many memories. So many that fucking republican assholes try to deny. So many memories that people in this country should remember…especially fucking journalists, who giggle like mean girls whenever they talk about Carter, and moon when discussing fucking fucktard Reagan. Gahhhhhh

  • ravi_shankar

    Jimmy is too busy building it himself.

  • Nope I fucked up

    • larrykat

      What, 3 people like it that you fucked up or what? Must be thumbs-upping on a curve today.

    • Blueb4sinrise

      No WE Fucked up!!!

      [hasn't R/R been doing a seminar on this?]

  • vodkamuppet

    Didn't he run on letting all the rapists out of prison or something? That's how I remember it. Sounds like a total DINO to me.

    • Yep. He told us all "The more murdery-rapey, the better to have your young children teach them about love and understanding." …Didn't play well in the Brimstone Belt.

  • Fluffy_Kitties

    Loved his bedroom scene with Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters:

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    TV's Frank: The Younger Years.

  • metamarcisf

    Tanks for the memories

  • magic_titty

    I distinctly recall John Kerry giving a vengeance-riddled speech at the 2008 DNC. (Not that I can remember any specifics, because it was John Kerry, but still!)

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Hear that, blessed are the Greek?!"
    "The Greek?"
    "Hmm. Well, apparently he's going to inherit the earth."
    "Did anyone catch his name?"

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    What? The Dems aren't giving away dvds of "FDR: American Badass"?

  • Beowoof

    I remember voting for Al Gore in the primary in 88.

  • The last governor of Mass to become president was Calvin Coolidge (1919-20).

    I don't know what it means, but I thought I'd just throw it out there.

    • It means Mitt will be president for one year, and then Ryan will plunge the world into darkness (by regaling us with stories of Grandma's Marathon).

      • IceCreamEmpress

        Calvin Coolidge wasn't President for one year, he was governor of Massachusetts for two years (though he was running for Vice President most of the second year, which also makes him an absentee governor like Mittens).

        Coolidge rocketed to fame by busting the police union.

        • Thanks for ruining my air-tight prognostication.

          • IceCreamEmpress

            Hey hey hey, I am Queen Nerd of Dorksylvania, so I have to be persnickety like that to keep my title.

  • Hey, no making fun of Jimmy Carter! I met the guy twice, which makes him my favorite President of all time!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Besides Dukakis and Romney, I wonder how many other former Massachusetts governors have had unsuccessful runs at the presidency.

  • kittensdontlie

    "Dukakis says that Ray Flynn is an old woman with menopause!"

    "Flynn was away from South Boston home, his wife, Kathy, told the Globe, and could not be immediately reached for a response."–Boston Herald

    And who can they thank for being able to be gay-married? The one and only Mittens 'GayBird' Romney. Yes it is all starting to make sense now.

  • Exhausted66

    Still, I loved him in Moonlighting.

  • Wadisay

    Tanks for the memories, Mick.

  • OurHoboSenator

    My first political volunteering experience was canvassing for Dukakis. That helped set the stage for a lifetime of losing as a Democrat and a Columbus Blue Jackets fan.

    • prommie

      I voted for Dukakis, I voted for Carter, I voted for Mondale. Then I voted for that prick cocksucker Bill Clinton (co-founder of the DLC) and he screwed, completely and totally screwed the working people of this country and sold them out to big finance and oversaw the completion of the Reagan-Bush globalization bullshit and he oversaw the deregulation of fucking everything and then the repeal of Glass-Steagle, and the slide into irrelevancy of the anti-trust laws, and the complete sellout and death of the democratic party so that now it is just an animated corpse.

      Bill Motherfucking Clinton did more to fuck the working people of this country than Reagan and both Bushes put together. Fuck him, I hope he chokes on his fucking granola. I hope he chokes on Hillary's dick.

  • LesBontemps

    Needs moar yelling at furniture.

  • Ray Flynn has Mitt Flashes.

  • Peckerwood_Pete

    I wonder why they didn't invite Gary Condit.

  • AtwatersGhost

    Lovitz as Dukakis–the screenshot alone is Hi-larious! Lovitz rulez!!!

  • keepwalkin

    Leave.George.McGovern. Aloooooooooone!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Ruhe

    Has anyone read Nicholson Baker's "The Fermata"? There was that one chapter there where his porn fantasy got so elaborate that it involved writing a porn fantasy that he would use to seduce the chick in the first fantasy and he goes into complete detail about the second, written porn fantasy. You needed a score card to keep up. So, anyway, is that what this Freeper gun porn is like? Is the world they live in already a never ending fantasy of gun-grabbing-clip-emptying-inducing threats and then they write this epi-layer of gun porn as like a currency that they trade among themselves?

    • i think this comment may be intended for the other post.

  • Guppy

    Unlike Dukakis, today's Democratic Party is far more lively and engaging! Just look at Harry Reid!

  • barto

    Shit I thought they let Blago outta the can for a second there.

  • TribecaMike

    Dukakis' sister is named Olympia; Romney once saved the Olympics from Satan's minions. 582 Olympia is a minor planet somewhere; Romney's religion teaches that God lives on a planet somewhere. Coincidence, or just sobriety on my part?

  • Weenus299

    Umm, correction, he was the governor of "Taxachussets." Get it right!

  • Eve8Apples

    At least our trash talking senile old guy is trash talking to human beings at the convention and not the chairs.

  • Weenus299

    And somebody put Mitt in a tank, with a fuzzy elephant hat.

  • ttommyunger

    Fuck him! What does Albert Yawkey say about things, that what I want to know….and Wolf Blitzer, too, also….

  • RRoccoco

    Say what you need to about Dukakis, but I used to see him riding the subway, or driving around Brookline in his old sedan, without a bodyguard, chauffeur or entourage in sight, while he was governnor. Imagine Lord Mittens as a strap hanger, chatting with the commoners as he commuted to work. What's that? You can't imagine such a thing?

  • arihaya

    did anyone spot Mondale anywhere there?

  • Hunkered Down in Brooklyn

    "My parents were little people…Little, swarthy people."

  • Dukakas spoke at my school about health care policy, my freshman year, and… well honestly, I and many other students, loved his speech, because he was so frank and verging on being blunt, a lot of the time, and he made some self-effacing cracks about his Presidential run, too, so basically I can totally see him saying the stuff indicated here.

  • Come here a minute

    John Kerry: "Fuck Mitt Romney and the horse he pranced in on!"

    • AznMom420

      He would do it too, you don't know what the nam was like, you don't want to test what that man is capable of.

  • Redrighthand

    liberal hellhole COMMONWEALTH

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