HOT PURLOINED DOCUMENTS ACTION  1:00 pm September 5, 2012

Computer Fiends Kidnap Romney’s 1040 Forms, Demand Fake Nerd Money For Ransom

by Josh Fruhlinger

Global Thermonuclear War is much more fun than Tic-Tac-ToeMitt Romney’s tax returns: Where are they??? If you have been following the presidential campaign to this point, in which Barack Obama’s birth certificate and Mitt Romney’s tax returns have battled it out for the title of Most Important Boring Government Document In History, you’ve probably assumed that Romney long ago encased these dangerous pieces of paper in lead and then buried them hundreds of feet below is New Hampshire mansion-fortress. But this “savvy businessman” decided to outsource his 1040-storage to the more efficient private sector: if PriceWaterhouseCoopers can keep Oscar votes secret, surely they can keep prying eyes away from Mitt’s financial information, right? EXCEPT some cyber-ruffians apparently just walked into a PWC office and stone cold downloaded the forms, whoops! Now they want … one million dollars, or they’ll release them. And they want a million dollars in a currency that doesn’t even exist!

So some dastardly fiends put a very interesting post on a secret anonymous fire-sharing site! (The Nashville City Paper has the scoop and we will link to them because we are afraid going to the original site will give our computer cyber-herpes.) Basically they said they snuck into PWC’s Franklin, Tennessee, office and downloaded all of Mitt’s tax forms, then sent encrypted versions of the forms to a bunch of media outlets and Democratic party headquarters, and if nobody pays them $1 million by September 28, they’ll send the keys to decrypt all the delicious forms. Conversely, if someone who wants the forms released ponies up $1M first, they’ll release them as soon as they get the money. Bidding war! “The years before 2010 will be of great interest to many,” say the hacker-sneaks.

The best part of this caper is that the 1040nappers are demanding their ransom in Bitcoins, which, if you don’t know what that is (and you probably don’t), is a techno-utopian project that aims to create a non-fiat, non-government-backed, anonymous online means of exchanging cash, and, if that description makes you think that Ron Paul acolytes might be interested in, you would be totally right! You can learn more at the Bitcoin Wikipedia article, which is hilariously detailed, obviously.

Anyway, no major media outlets have reported receiving mysterious encrypted hard drives, nor are there any signs of nuclear-level freakouts over at Romney campaign HQ, so probably this anonymous claim posted on a weird web site for file sharers is totally fake! But just in case, you should PayPal us tons of money so we can buy the 1040s and post them on Wonkette as a WORLD EXCLUSIVE. (Haha, just kidding, Wonkette would not pay dirty ransom money, we would just use your cash to buy booze.) [Nashville City Paper]

 
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Hola wonkerados.

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{ 218 comments }

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 1:04 pm

I hope you would also buy some dope and not just booze.

eggsacklywright September 5, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Insert Furry Freak Brothers motto here.

Isyaignert September 5, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Here's my favorite Fabulous Furry Freak Bros. line "Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope." –Freewheelin' Franklin

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 3:13 pm

No shit.

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 1:17 pm

You'd think. But these louts probly don't know the best dealers, so they'd probly get ripped off and then WE'd feel bad because it was OUR munniez.

LastGasp September 5, 2012 at 1:39 pm

The 1040nappers are asking for the ransom to be paid in Bitcoins, which means they're probably planning to buy a million dollars worth of drugs from some of those super-secret underground drug websites.

Maybe they'll share that giant stash of dope.

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 3:15 pm

We *need* to find out who they are PRONTO!

For some reason this strikes me as a CarlHiaasenesque plot introduction. Within 24 hours, the police chiefs of every town, the FBI, CIA, NSA, and every drug dealer in the world will be looking for that stash.

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 4:05 pm

"It's a Stoned, Stoned, Stoned, Stoned World"

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 4:42 pm

If I get my way, you betcha.

GemlikeFlame September 5, 2012 at 6:46 pm

I'm betting LulzSec or Anonymous, most likely the former.

Mitt likes links. Here's one:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LulzSec

Nothingisamiss September 5, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I see wonkette drinky meetups in every city.

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Oh, you think BeccaLou's behind this, huh? Can't trust those damn commies, but hey as long as she bringy the drinky

Boojum September 5, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Let's have another here!!!

Guppy September 5, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Apparently, there are motels in the Charlotte area that deliver both drugs and prostitutes right to your door!

Designer_Rants September 5, 2012 at 4:02 pm

And Buckets O' Cum, I believe Newell wrote. (or maybe those are just complimentary with the room).

Isyaignert September 5, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Now THAT'S customer service!!

Beowoof September 5, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Whenever Mitt is on TV, I think I need to booze to watch this dope.

GemlikeFlame September 5, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Well, that's about all you can buy with Bitcoins.
http://www.forbes.com/sites/andygreenberg/2012/08

ChernobylSoup September 5, 2012 at 1:04 pm

"You find a way to get me a girlfriend, I'll cut the price in half."

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Let's not be fussy here. They'd probly settle for a boyfriend. Or a trim young sheep.

4TheTurnstiles September 5, 2012 at 1:05 pm

what's a million bitcoins buy you? *another* fursona?

Serolf_Divad September 5, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Some pretty cool World of Warcraft items, no doubt.

Lascauxcaveman September 5, 2012 at 1:21 pm

This comment deleted because Actor212 got to the Quatloo joke ahead of me.

Omophagist September 5, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Let's just say the FBI will be able to track them down by looking at some Farmville farms on Facebook that are suddenly a lot more opulent.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 5, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Whoever installs a car elevator is going to be so busted.

veritass September 5, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Please be true.

freakishlywrong September 5, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Punk'd. By Nerds. Loser. *Makes "L" with digits*

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Srsly. Price Waterhouse is gonna have a RLY tough time explaining this to Captains of Industry.

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Sounds like a Simple Plan. What could go wrong for these guys?

hagajim September 5, 2012 at 1:08 pm

What went wrong for the band Simple Plan?

MissTaken September 5, 2012 at 1:14 pm

they're still not getting any…

EatsBabyDingos September 5, 2012 at 1:17 pm

They fell in a whale with Jonas and there was only one direction out. Yes, I have teenage daughters.

Tundra Grifter September 5, 2012 at 1:24 pm

That is, flat out, one of the best thrillers I've ever read. An extraordinary book! No world takeover, no super hero killing professional assassins, no high tech weapons. Just real people in the real world.

A great "beach book!"

SorosBot September 5, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Would it not be the beach – without a great beach read?

Tundra Grifter September 5, 2012 at 3:54 pm

SB:

Is that a bitkoan?

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 1:29 pm

They have Bush's Reverse Midas touch. No matter how good it looks for them, it takes them less than ten minutes to turn it all to shit.

OneDollarJuana September 5, 2012 at 1:30 pm

What could go wrong? Ask the DC Madam. Or Gary Webb.

actor212 September 5, 2012 at 1:06 pm

A million in Bitcoin is like two bits. Wonketteers? You know what to do.

hagajim September 5, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Four bits?

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Six bits?

PuckStopsHere September 5, 2012 at 1:10 pm

OK, I'm in: six bits.

actor212 September 5, 2012 at 1:13 pm

400 quatloos on the newcomer!

Lascauxcaveman September 5, 2012 at 1:25 pm

He has, umm…. very specific tastes, your barber.

SnarkoMarx September 5, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Mitt should have had Lou Sarah store the returns attached to emails in her Hotmail account.

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Her Ho-ho-ho-hotmail account.

Texan_Bulldog September 5, 2012 at 1:07 pm

PriceWaterhouseCoopers ? This kind of shit doesn't happen if you file with Jackson Hewitt.

KeepFnThatChicken September 5, 2012 at 1:17 pm

All I've ever known that company to protect was the Oscar results, and who the fuck cares about that.

Serolf_Divad September 5, 2012 at 1:25 pm

The also protect the envelope containing the results of the presidential elections, given to them in March of that year by the Illuminati.

Arborista September 5, 2012 at 1:30 pm

But the Bilderberg meeting's not until May/June?

Which Illuminati are you referencing?

KeepFnThatChicken September 5, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Reverse that. They meet in May/June, and decide who wins at that meeting. PWC then holds the envelope for nine months.

Ruhe September 5, 2012 at 1:07 pm

What's the current Bit-coin to hobo-bean exchange rate? I'm guessing that might be important to know at some point.

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Only if Romney gets elected. Mush, you huskies! Get out the vote!

Sorry, wrong amphitheatre.

SorosBot September 5, 2012 at 1:07 pm

True Paultards would only accept payment in goooooold.

Sharkey September 5, 2012 at 1:08 pm

How much is that in Buttcoins?

anniegetyerfun September 5, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Or whore diamonds? It's not fair that they keep changing the currencies on us.

eggsacklywright September 5, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Guess who's coming to dinar.

Lascauxcaveman September 5, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Not like its rial money.

OneDollarJuana September 5, 2012 at 1:31 pm

God, those jokes are boring. *yuan*

Spurning Beer September 5, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Take them away in shekels!

Arborista September 5, 2012 at 1:31 pm

How much is it in Ameros?

KeepFnThatChicken September 5, 2012 at 1:08 pm

HAHAHAHAHA THE JOKE'S ON THEM. THE MONIES ARE FAKE ANYWAY

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Do the Mormons have a Golem or something similar? These guys should be careful. Or worse yet, Mitt might put Chuck Norris on the case.

HRH_Maddie September 5, 2012 at 1:08 pm

"One hundred billion Bitcoins" **puts pinky to lip**

emmelemm September 5, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Off topic: I love your avatar.

Also, your comment is amusing.

HRH_Maddie September 5, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Twinsies!

emmelemm September 5, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Ha! I didn't even think of that! I've just seen pics of pigs in their galoshes before and thought they were adorable.

HRH_Maddie September 5, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Glad I'm not alone on that one. After a week of the RNC, this picture makes me smile again.

Baconzgood September 5, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I thought a bitcoin is what Rafalca has in her mouth.

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I'm tellin' Rafalca you said that about her. For such a fancy dancer, she can be a mean little horsey — @RafalcaRomney.

rickmaci September 5, 2012 at 1:52 pm

You're confusing the horse with what Calista does to Newtie after she gets her hair helmet shaped.

hagajim September 5, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I don't understand why they just didn't steal the winners of next years Oscars….the fix is already in right? I heard that DeSouza movie is gonna win best bullshit documentary.

Pookums September 5, 2012 at 1:09 pm

YOUR DATAS, I HAS THEM.

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 1:35 pm

ALL UR DATA R BELONG 2 US.

Terry September 5, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I wonder if a Nigerian prince was involved with this caper.

Baconzgood September 5, 2012 at 1:09 pm

"Bitcoin uses cryptographic technologies and a network of computing power to enable users to make and verify irreversible, instant[citation needed] online Bitcoin payments, without an obligation to…"

That's where I nodded off.

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Gzzzzzzzz … wuh? (snort) *burp* zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

MissTaken September 5, 2012 at 1:10 pm

then sent encrypted versions of the forms to a bunch of media outlets and Democratic party headquarters, and if nobody pays them $1 million by September 28, they’ll send the keys to decrypt all the delicious forms.

Finding these tax-nappers should be easy for the FBI. Just trace the crumbs of Cheetos and scent of middle-aged virginity to their mother's basement.

SorosBot September 5, 2012 at 1:19 pm

OK now you're making me hungry for some Cheetos.

MissTaken September 5, 2012 at 1:20 pm

better than being hungry for a middle-aged virgin.

SorosBot September 5, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Ew; you know a middle-aged virgin would be extra pathetic, really having no idea what he or she is doing. Would probably use too much teeth too.

AbandonHope_ September 5, 2012 at 2:20 pm

…Steve Carell libel?

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Riposte, and the ears & tail to MissTaken!

sewollef September 5, 2012 at 1:31 pm

The FBI? I wouldn't trust them to find their own arse with both hands.

Seems in an unrelated, but suspiciously maybe connected kinda way, AntiSec hacking group has hacked into an FBI agent's Dell laptop and stolen 12 million computer UDIDs* stored on his HD.

Nice.

Arborista September 5, 2012 at 1:39 pm

If you want to check if your Apple device's UDID was compromised, this site looks useful: http://thenextweb.com/?p=457287

sewollef September 5, 2012 at 2:09 pm

The big question is, what was the FBI doing with all these IDs in the first place?

And of course, as of today, the FBI are denying they even had the data, describing the story as "totally false".

Shades of NSA wire-tapping….

Arborista September 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Apple is denying they gave info to the FBI, the FBI is denying that a) they have these ID's stored and b) that their databases were hacked. They said the leaked ID's might just be made-up numbers in a UDID format so I'd be really interested if anyone finds their UDID on the list.

At this point, I'm kinda agnostic, but I'm a Mac user (desktop computer, no "devices") so I'm interested in hearing more about how this story plays out.

MosesInvests September 5, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Texas Ranger outside the Koresh compound in Waco, TX, as quoted by Molly Ivins (of blessed memory):
"The three most overrated things in the world are young p*ssy, Mack trucks and the FBI."

BoatOfVelociraptors September 5, 2012 at 1:45 pm

You don't have to be alive to have a website publish a key. The scenario is thus. Here is a wad of data that can be unlocked with this key. Pay the org a million bucks and the key stays safe with the org. Did I mention The org has hundreds of copies of the key around the planet, that will advertise themselves if the interested entity doesn't get paid?

Leveraged buyout 2.0

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I can hide you in my basement if They come looking for you.

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 1:11 pm

If they get the payment in bitcoins, will they have to pay taxes on their windfall? Mitt Romney wants to know.

actor212 September 5, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Yes, but only at the caBITal gains rate.

HAH! I crack me up…

Pookums September 5, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Heyooooooooo!!!

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 1:37 pm

*Some*body has to. (Slaps actor most heartily on the back, keels over laughing, dies)

BoatOfVelociraptors September 5, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Byte your tongue, son.

anniegetyerfun September 5, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Not Ameros? I has a disappoint.

emmelemm September 5, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Me too.

Tundra Grifter September 5, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I was going to offer 1,000,000 Ameros. If they'll take a check…

KeepFnThatChicken September 5, 2012 at 1:12 pm

please, sweet jesus, let them have spoofed their MAC address, gone through a proxy, and done this from a McDonald's.

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 1:48 pm

This is all part of that "StopRush" movement, innit?

BoatOfVelociraptors September 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Multiple proxies. The ad serving data is a total back door.

KeepFnThatChicken September 5, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I had to give up. It's amazing how productive I became after I quit surfing for porn.

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I wonder if these guys ever saw a movie called Charlie Varrick. They might not know with whom they fuck.

YouBetcha September 5, 2012 at 1:13 pm

That's not funny, Lou Sarah.

owhatever September 5, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Do you have Bitcoins in your portfolio? Bitcoins have increased in value every minute. Call us at BitcoinLine to learn how you can profit from this guaranteed investment strategy and not be left for the Death Panels of Obamacare. Bitcoins. Now more than ever.

PuckStopsHere September 5, 2012 at 1:14 pm

You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! And ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

IncenseDebate September 5, 2012 at 1:15 pm

It's kinda amazing that somehow some rogue IRS dude or dudette hasn't leaked them for realz.

Terry September 5, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Oddly enough, many Federal employees are actually professionals who behave in an ethical manner.

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Somehow "rogue" doesn't really square too well with my mental picture of math majors and accountants. (looks over at spousal unit)

Nope.

Goonemeritus September 5, 2012 at 1:15 pm

I don’t think spending the entire million on booze is really advisable. Any finical advisor worth his salt would recommend diversifying with portions in fungible assets like a couple of cans of mixed nuts and maybe some Chex-mix.

Terry September 5, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Mountain Dew and Cheetos.

Arborista September 5, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I hear that Brawndo has electrolytes…

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Mushrooms. Weed. Heroin. Speed.

Honestly, Goon, mixed nuts and Chex-mix? Where's your sense of ADVENTURE, dood?

GeorgiaBurning September 5, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Bitcoins are a cross of Ron Paul funny money, paypal, and linden dollars. Outside of that cheesy billboard on Lawrence Expressway, this is the best publicity bitcoins have gotten. Their chief uses were status for libertarian nerds and buying bad t-shirts. Now getting Mittens tax papers? cool…

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 1:16 pm

"All your return are belong to us."

BoatOfVelociraptors September 5, 2012 at 1:56 pm

And other things the senior Romney said. Who knew the old man was so hip?

Crank_Tango September 5, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I often get paid in euros, which kinda sucks now that the euro is tanking, so what I need to do is find another currency. I am wondering what the conversion rates are between bitcoin, euros, dollars, ameros, hobo beans, french francs, whore diamonds and pound sterling? Is there an app for that?

eggsacklywright September 5, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Yes, but it's in Esperanto.

Tundra Grifter September 5, 2012 at 1:27 pm

CT:

Maybe you need to invest in a couple of those old Ron Paul survival packs – with Krugerrands, etc.

Crank_Tango September 5, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I have a bunch of seeds buried in the back yard, but unfortunately they sprouted.

Tundra Grifter September 5, 2012 at 3:56 pm

CT:

If you don't like that you're probably a Republican. They hate any sign of green shoots.

Black and brown shoots they're down with.

Goonemeritus September 5, 2012 at 1:29 pm

The Father of a good friend immigrated to the US from Serbia through GB after WWII. He was a fairly prominent engineer and he took a job without really understanding the value of his paycheck. When his first paycheck arrived his friend drove him to the grocery store to show him what it would buy. Imagine his delight when he discovered his weekly check was the equivalent of 32 average size turkeys. My wife still likes to convert are annual total compensation into turkeys to this day.

Crank_Tango September 5, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Wow. I bet you only really need about 1 turkey a week, and the rest is just…wait for it…gravy.

Tundra Grifter September 5, 2012 at 3:58 pm

GEM:

The Economist newspaper used to compare how different nations were doing with a Big Mac index. And they were serious about it.

prommie September 5, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Once upon a time it was 7 francs to the dollar and an amazing four-course lunch, with a carafe of the local wine, too, could be had for like 20 francs. And this isn't ancient history, this was like, life under Clinton!

Crank_Tango September 5, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I remember about 6 something before I came back to the states after my semester in Paris in 93. I can still hear the voice of the sandwiche grec man saying "very good! blill clinton! chili sauce!"

DemmeFatale September 5, 2012 at 3:01 pm

It was fab!
The whole Fatale family stayed in the turret of a 15th century chateau in Brittany, and we ate like kings every night.
Good times!

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Life under Clinton IS ancient history. I remember those wonderful years. Between the two of us, we were making a very tidy sum indeed, working at jobs we loved, where we were highly-compensated, highly-respected, and treated like humans. Half the companies I used to work for have either gone under or merged into something unrecognizable, the same ppl who used to shower us with booze and barbecue on Fridays (Beer Bash Fridays!) now expect us to make international conference calls FROM HOME during our supposed nonwork time, and if you don't work one or both weekend days, you're considered a slacker.

ETA: And nobody's gotten a raise in years. Like, ten.

Serolf_Divad September 5, 2012 at 1:42 pm

1 Euro –> 3 cans of hobo beans –> 1 Rambo survival knife (needle, thread and waterproof matches missing) –> 6 Ameros –> 2 autographed Ron Paul Reports from the early 1980's –> 1 freeze dried survival ration (hamburger steak & mashed potatos) –> 2 Playboy magazines circa 1988 (fair condition) –> 2 packs of Smithsonian Air & Space Museum Astronaut Ice Cream (1 strawberry, 1 neapolitan) –> 5 Bitcoins.

Arborista September 5, 2012 at 1:46 pm

You have performed a great service to humanity here. But how many upfists = 1 Bitcoin?

Crank_Tango September 5, 2012 at 1:50 pm

all of'em, katie.

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I got the ice cream already.

FakaktaSouth September 5, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Of course this is fake. Mitt Romney would never actually FILE taxes. Come on now.

CrunchyKnee September 5, 2012 at 1:17 pm

If I had a million bitcoins, I'd buy you a blimp…

actor212 September 5, 2012 at 2:35 pm

But not a real blimp, cuz that'd be cruel.

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 1:17 pm

There was a big-ass article on these bitcoin things in the New Yorker a couple years back. It confused me worse than some of their cartoons.

IncenseDebate September 5, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I like big ass articles.

DahBoner September 5, 2012 at 1:57 pm

I only read The New Yorker for the Big Ass cartoons…

randcoolcatdaddy September 5, 2012 at 1:18 pm

FoxNews saying this is Obama's fault in 3…2…..

JustPixelz September 5, 2012 at 1:18 pm

I don't know what "bitcoins" are, but I'm confident Romney has some (millions!) in a bank account somewhere.

Terry September 5, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Or in a jar on his dresser.

fuflans September 5, 2012 at 1:19 pm

well, duh. amero's have soared against the euro. bitcoins are the only safe harbor left.

freakishlywrong September 5, 2012 at 1:19 pm

The Dorkalution will be youtubed.

ManchuCandidate September 5, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I'll give one hundred million Quatloos for the Stiff One's Tax Forms.

MissTaken September 5, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I was convinced the rLOVElution blimp was the apex of nerd-dom. But I see this crop of nerds have elevated the nerd bar to new heights. Well played nerds, well played.

fuflans September 5, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Haha, just kidding, Wonkette would not pay dirty ransom money, we would just use your cash to buy booze.

i sure as hell hope so.

Terry September 5, 2012 at 1:41 pm

How about spending some of it on toy boys? Money is spent of floozies all the time and I demand parity.

mrpuma2u September 5, 2012 at 3:03 pm

And take out foodz

tihond September 5, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Man, Mitt Romney will do anything for money.

Serolf_Divad September 5, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Here, let me beat them to the punch. The answer is….

0

Thanks, you.

Nostrildamus September 5, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Nothing to see here.

Oblios_Cap September 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I always thought the answer to everything was "42".

zippy_w_pinhead September 5, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Episode V- the Paultards strike back

MissTaken September 5, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Are bitcoins legal tender in Second Life?

I'm asking for a friend.

prommie September 5, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Gawker says you can safely order high-end Canadian hydroponic herb and pay with bitcoins. Herbs, cooking herbs, what the hell did you think I was talking about?

Arborista September 5, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I thought maybe you meant Herb.

IncenseDebate September 5, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Could this be a Roger Stone ratfuck operation?

IceCreamEmpress September 5, 2012 at 1:25 pm

OMG Bitcoins! Or "RonPaulFunBux", as some genius on SomethingAwful dubbed them.

The good news is that if the haxx0rs got the Bitcoins, someone else would just steal them. Yesterday, the BitCoin community was rocked by the announcement that someone had stolen all the fake monies from a new "exchange". This happens about every two weeks.

Of course, the BitCoin community is still reeling from the default of the largest "bank" I.e. Ponzi scheme, with several hundred thousand of the libertarian Pogs (currently selling for about $10 US) in the wind.

Maybe I should write a post for you guys about BitCoin? I have been following it intensely because it delivers the Schadenfreude/Fremdschaemen combo I so love.

SorosBot September 5, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Quite frankly, I'd rather have some Alf pogs than Libertarian pogs.

Terry September 5, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Please do.

I thought the hard core Libertarians were going to relocate to a floating city out in international waters, beyond the reach of government…until they send an SOS call to the Coast Guard, of course.

Whollyholeyholy September 5, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Guaranteed way to ward off a bad mood: imagine all the realistic potential endings to Antisocial Island.

Please let this be a thing that happens during my lifetime.

IceCreamEmpress September 5, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Boortz has the conch!

AbandonHope_ September 5, 2012 at 2:12 pm

"RonPaulFunBux" is great, though I have to admit I like "Libertarian Pogs" too.

This would actually be a fun way to screw with Bitcoins: buy a few at a time, and then delete them. Get a few thousand people to do that every month or so. Once a Bitcoin is gone, it's gone for good, so you'll keep depleting the available supply. Of course the price per coin would go up as you did this, so eventually it would become unfeasible… but at the same time the entry cost of obtaining Bitcoins will be too high. Those who are hoarding Bitcoins will be loathe to do anything with them for fear of losing their precious, precious wealth… but if nobody actually uses a currency for transactions, is it really a currency?

This emperor has no clothes, and is trying to sell those nonexistent coins with nonexistent money.

prommie September 5, 2012 at 1:27 pm

This is right about where Larry Flynt should step in and pony up the money.

Terry September 5, 2012 at 1:45 pm

As much as I detest Hustler, I have to say that I do root for Larry Flynt when he makes a foray into politics.

fartknocker September 5, 2012 at 1:27 pm

So how much is Rafalca's tax deduction in bitcoins because I looked at the Wikipedia page and I can't figure out the exchange rate.

IceCreamEmpress September 5, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Speaking of Schadenfreude, I'm sure I'm not the only Wonketteer to be delighted that the Oogieloves was the biggest flop ever.

I think "TruckNutz! The Movie" would have done better.

SorosBot September 5, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I mentioned it yesterday! And it's amazing; over a four-day weekend it averaged only slightly over two hundred per screen, meaning there an average of under one person per showing. Awesomely horrible.

HistoriCat September 5, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Doktor Zoom posted this review yesterday.

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 3:22 pm

The very *name* itself gives me the oogieboogles. So much saccharine packed into 90 minutes of eye-injuring dayglo colours and too pweshusly twee "aht" must surely make for a giant technicolour yawn and immediate diabetic coma.

AbandonHope_ September 5, 2012 at 1:29 pm

If you want to know about Bitcoins, this article is a pretty good summary. Suffice to say it's hardly the panacea its proponents claim it to be.

Terry September 5, 2012 at 1:46 pm

You can actually say that about most Libertarian "great ideas".

AbandonHope_ September 5, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Oh, there are good parts to it, but overall… the main thing that gets me is that those who got in "on the ground floor", so to speak, have the most Bitcoins because it was the easiest to "mine" them back then; it is now literally a million times more difficult to get them. "So what," proponents say, "when the supply runs out nobody will be mining anyway, everything will be done via transactions the way any other currency is." Except that now you have a bunch of multi-millionaires who got rich simply because they were some of the first people to mine. So of course the early Bitcoin proponents want the currency to succeed; they have the most to gain.

Secondly, there's a finite amount of Bitcoins, which is one of the things proponents like — after all, this way it isn't a fiat currency. Except that if you delete a Bitcoin wallet, or irreversibly lose the password, et cetera, those Bitcoins are gone. Forever. And the fact of the matter is that things get deleted all the time. So, yeah, you won't get inflation due to an increasing money supply; you'll get deflation due to a shrinking one. But, hell, this is what the Randians want, right? After all, this just means that all the folks who are super-careful about guarding their wealth hoards get richer and richer and more and more Coins are permanently lost.

Terry September 5, 2012 at 2:16 pm

The problem with libertarianism is that the basic concepts sound fine when limited to a sentence or two. As soon as those asshats start to discuss them in depth, particularly the extent to which they'd take them, it turns into narcissistic and mean spirited fantasy.

AbandonHope_ September 5, 2012 at 2:19 pm

True, and whenever serious flaws are uncovered in their theories, they are just hand-waved away as something that will be fixed by "the invisible hand". Like that whole "early adopters have the most Coins" thing. I mean, Jesus, if by some Randian magic Bitcoins did become a viable currency, you have a ready-made aristocracy, right there! Might as well break out the surveyors' tools and start parceling the land off into fiefdoms!

ShreditorsDesk September 5, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I will gladly pay you in Dimblarz Tuesday for a hamburger today.

gullywompr September 5, 2012 at 1:31 pm

"Ron Paul acolytes".

Acolytes? Is that what we're caling them now?

Blueb4sinrise September 5, 2012 at 1:32 pm
Nostrildamus September 5, 2012 at 1:42 pm

?

Blueb4sinrise September 5, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Curiosity finds tax returns on Mars.

JoeHoya September 5, 2012 at 1:32 pm

So, let me get this straight. Their demand is this: If you do not give me $1 million for this information by Sept. 28, I will give it to you for free.

Got it.

IncenseDebate September 5, 2012 at 1:39 pm

A Palin must be behind this.

IceCreamEmpress September 5, 2012 at 1:49 pm

That's BitCoin logic!

BoatOfVelociraptors September 5, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Hey man, they charge for the info bullet. It's not like they're communists.

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Is this from a Neal Stephenson novel or something?

proudgrampa September 5, 2012 at 1:58 pm

I was thinking that this was a sub-plot from REAMDE.

Corporation 9592, indeed.

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Fox News will buy the decrypts and give them to Romney.

Terry September 5, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Murdoch will buy them and use them for even greater leverage over Romney. Mitt's bought and paid for, whether he wants to admit it or not.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 5, 2012 at 1:34 pm

The irony of Romney getting owned is just so gravitational. It collapses in upon itself, creating a singularity of hilarity.

finette_ September 5, 2012 at 1:41 pm

fire-sharing site

Someone has finally perfected remote flamethrower technology to use on stupids and trolls? YESSSSS.

MissTaken September 5, 2012 at 1:43 pm

And here I thought a fire-sharing site was the airport bathroom you catch herpes from during the GOP convention.

SorosBot September 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Here I thought it referred to Lindsey Lohan's and John Mayer's crotches.

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 1:45 pm

OK, BeccaLou, this >> THIS story is fucking TAILOR-MADE for the Wonketz. I shall be crushed and heartbroken if you do not send your trusty reportrixes to cover it forthwith.

Srsly. WTF is a guy in AR doing with a "small preserved alligator head"? And how small can an alligator head BE? Also too why is the State legislator not charged with anything despite the fight CLEARLY being mutual?

Terry September 5, 2012 at 2:18 pm

As a former resident of the State of Louisiana, I attest to the fact that many people keep dried alligator heads as decorative items. A few of these people are wildlife biologists or run nature centers. Most, however, keep the dried gator heads just because the heads look way cool.

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Not to nitpick or nuthin', but I'm kinda guessing that gator heads mostly look WAY cool to other gators, and mostly when they're still attached to, you know, the rest of the gator. And sure, I can understand biologists or naturalists being interested in having one lying around, but we're talking *Republican* here, you know, Science is an Instrument of Teh Debbil? So I'm just wondering why the guy would have one around the house a-tall, especially since his long-term paramour appears to be a woman of mighty tempers, just the sort, one would be inclined to think, who might avail herself of a head that was, as it were, to hand, for the sole purpose of clobbering another. Head, that is. Although, as TribecaMike implies, they tactfully do not mention *which* head sustained the injury.

TribecaMike September 5, 2012 at 2:19 pm

A "head" wound, heh?

MittBorg September 5, 2012 at 3:24 pm

You're right, they didn't say WHICH head. Sigh. Journamalism. Standards, they r teh dropping. Or perhaps I mean droppings.

qwerty42 September 5, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I'd demand Ameros. Gold Ameros.

qwerty42 September 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm

This is a gold Amero.

mr bojangles September 5, 2012 at 2:24 pm

schedule c discloses fact romney raped and killed a teenage girl in 1990!

RRoccoco September 5, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Harry Reid has some serious covert op skills. And the Bitcoin bit–just brilliant! You can't pay what you never had! Can't wait for Sept 29.

Antispandex September 5, 2012 at 2:45 pm

"(Haha, just kidding, Wonkette would not pay dirty ransom money, we would just use your cash to buy booze.)"

A much better use of your bitcoins. I think we can all guess why Mitters hasn't released his tax records.

Guppy September 5, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Dollars, Bitcoins, feh! Job creators insist on Swiss Francs!

larrykat September 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Dear Aqua Buddha Jesus, please, in the name of your son Aqua Velva, let this story be true.

poorgradstudent September 5, 2012 at 2:58 pm

It would be strangely fitting for the Romney campaign to go down as a result of "Revenge of the Nerds"-esque shenanigans. Hopefully it will mean for sure that Ted McGinley will play Mittens in the inevitable bio-pic.

IceCreamEmpress September 5, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Showkiller Ted would be perfect casting, and hopefully his curse would extend even unto the Mittens Show.

ttommyunger September 5, 2012 at 4:54 pm

I frankly don't think Mitten's chances are worth a plug Bitcoin, taxes or no taxes.

TribecaMike September 5, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Behold the awesomeness of the Paul Ryan Time Calculator! http://www.paulryantimecalculator.com/

lulzmonger September 5, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Hmm, talk about Conundrum City: cough up a cool million or wait three whole weeks, cough up a cool million or wait three whole weeks, cough up a cool million or wait three whole weeks … DAMN THIS IS A TOUGH ONE ALRIGHT.

Andrew Drinker September 6, 2012 at 10:07 am

Bitcoins are basically the cyber version of:

"*wipes drool from mouth* I'll give you 4300 gold 75 silver 49 copper for your [Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker]!!!!"

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I wouldn't know how much to pay,so how much is that in cowrie shells?

Lascauxcaveman September 5, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I've always had a yen for seashells. My friends Mark and Franc say that's not a bad way to collect what euro'd.

eggsacklywright September 5, 2012 at 1:45 pm

In the end, it will all come to McNaughton.

KeepFnThatChicken September 5, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Euro riot.

Lascauxcaveman September 5, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Some of these puns are real Kroners.

eggsacklywright September 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Are we gonna pound this into the ground?

eggsacklywright September 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Arrght, the right margin is closing in. Feeling claustrophobic. Over the fiscal cliff we go….

HistoriCat September 5, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I wouldn't peso much attention to that if I were you.

anniegetyerfun September 5, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Some people are always shilling fear and uncertainty.

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