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Computer Fiends Kidnap Romney’s 1040 Forms, Demand Fake Nerd Money For Ransom

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Global Thermonuclear War is much more fun than Tic-Tac-ToeMitt Romney’s tax returns: Where are they??? If you have been following the presidential campaign to this point, in which Barack Obama’s birth certificate and Mitt Romney’s tax returns have battled it out for the title of Most Important Boring Government Document In History, you’ve probably assumed that Romney long ago encased these dangerous pieces of paper in lead and then buried them hundreds of feet below is New Hampshire mansion-fortress. But this “savvy businessman” decided to outsource his 1040-storage to the more efficient private sector: if PriceWaterhouseCoopers can keep Oscar votes secret, surely they can keep prying eyes away from Mitt’s financial information, right? EXCEPT some cyber-ruffians apparently just walked into a PWC office and stone cold downloaded the forms, whoops! Now they want … one million dollars, or they’ll release them. And they want a million dollars in a currency that doesn’t even exist!

So some dastardly fiends put a very interesting post on a secret anonymous fire-sharing site! (The Nashville City Paper has the scoop and we will link to them because we are afraid going to the original site will give our computer cyber-herpes.) Basically they said they snuck into PWC’s Franklin, Tennessee, office and downloaded all of Mitt’s tax forms, then sent encrypted versions of the forms to a bunch of media outlets and Democratic party headquarters, and if nobody pays them $1 million by September 28, they’ll send the keys to decrypt all the delicious forms. Conversely, if someone who wants the forms released ponies up $1M first, they’ll release them as soon as they get the money. Bidding war! “The years before 2010 will be of great interest to many,” say the hacker-sneaks.

The best part of this caper is that the 1040nappers are demanding their ransom in Bitcoins, which, if you don’t know what that is (and you probably don’t), is a techno-utopian project that aims to create a non-fiat, non-government-backed, anonymous online means of exchanging cash, and, if that description makes you think that Ron Paul acolytes might be interested in, you would be totally right! You can learn more at the Bitcoin Wikipedia article, which is hilariously detailed, obviously.

Anyway, no major media outlets have reported receiving mysterious encrypted hard drives, nor are there any signs of nuclear-level freakouts over at Romney campaign HQ, so probably this anonymous claim posted on a weird web site for file sharers is totally fake! But just in case, you should PayPal us tons of money so we can buy the 1040s and post them on Wonkette as a WORLD EXCLUSIVE. (Haha, just kidding, Wonkette would not pay dirty ransom money, we would just use your cash to buy booze.) [Nashville City Paper]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I hope you would also buy some dope and not just booze.

    • eggsacklywright

      Insert Furry Freak Brothers motto here.

      • Isyaignert

        Here's my favorite Fabulous Furry Freak Bros. line "Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope." –Freewheelin' Franklin

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          No shit.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You'd think. But these louts probly don't know the best dealers, so they'd probly get ripped off and then WE'd feel bad because it was OUR munniez.

    • LastGasp

      The 1040nappers are asking for the ransom to be paid in Bitcoins, which means they're probably planning to buy a million dollars worth of drugs from some of those super-secret underground drug websites.

      Maybe they'll share that giant stash of dope.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        We *need* to find out who they are PRONTO!

        For some reason this strikes me as a CarlHiaasenesque plot introduction. Within 24 hours, the police chiefs of every town, the FBI, CIA, NSA, and every drug dealer in the world will be looking for that stash.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          "It's a Stoned, Stoned, Stoned, Stoned World"

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            If I get my way, you betcha.

        • GemlikeFlame

          I'm betting LulzSec or Anonymous, most likely the former.

          Mitt likes links. Here's one:
          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LulzSec

    • Nothingisamiss

      I see wonkette drinky meetups in every city.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Oh, you think BeccaLou's behind this, huh? Can't trust those damn commies, but hey as long as she bringy the drinky

      • Boojum

        Let's have another here!!!

    • Guppy

      Apparently, there are motels in the Charlotte area that deliver both drugs and prostitutes right to your door!

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        And Buckets O' Cum, I believe Newell wrote. (or maybe those are just complimentary with the room).

      • Isyaignert

        Now THAT'S customer service!!

    • Beowoof

      Whenever Mitt is on TV, I think I need to booze to watch this dope.

    • GemlikeFlame

      Well, that's about all you can buy with Bitcoins.
      http://www.forbes.com/sites/andygreenberg/2012/08

  • ChernobylSoup

    "You find a way to get me a girlfriend, I'll cut the price in half."

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Let's not be fussy here. They'd probly settle for a boyfriend. Or a trim young sheep.

  • http://for-the-turnstiles.blogspot.com 4TheTurnstiles

    what's a million bitcoins buy you? *another* fursona?

    • Serolf_Divad

      Some pretty cool World of Warcraft items, no doubt.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      This comment deleted because Actor212 got to the Quatloo joke ahead of me.

    • Omophagist

      Let's just say the FBI will be able to track them down by looking at some Farmville farms on Facebook that are suddenly a lot more opulent.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Whoever installs a car elevator is going to be so busted.

  • veritass

    Please be true.

  • freakishlywrong

    Punk'd. By Nerds. Loser. *Makes "L" with digits*

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Srsly. Price Waterhouse is gonna have a RLY tough time explaining this to Captains of Industry.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Sounds like a Simple Plan. What could go wrong for these guys?

    • hagajim

      What went wrong for the band Simple Plan?

      • MissTaken

        they're still not getting any…

      • EatsBabyDingos

        They fell in a whale with Jonas and there was only one direction out. Yes, I have teenage daughters.

    • Tundra Grifter

      That is, flat out, one of the best thrillers I've ever read. An extraordinary book! No world takeover, no super hero killing professional assassins, no high tech weapons. Just real people in the real world.

      A great "beach book!"

      • SorosBot

        Would it not be the beach – without a great beach read?

        • Tundra Grifter

          SB:

          Is that a bitkoan?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      They have Bush's Reverse Midas touch. No matter how good it looks for them, it takes them less than ten minutes to turn it all to shit.

    • OneDollarJuana

      What could go wrong? Ask the DC Madam. Or Gary Webb.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    A million in Bitcoin is like two bits. Wonketteers? You know what to do.

    • hagajim

      Four bits?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Six bits?

      • PuckStopsHere

        OK, I'm in: six bits.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          400 quatloos on the newcomer!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      He has, umm…. very specific tastes, your barber.

  • SnarkoMarx

    Mitt should have had Lou Sarah store the returns attached to emails in her Hotmail account.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Her Ho-ho-ho-hotmail account.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    PriceWaterhouseCoopers ? This kind of shit doesn't happen if you file with Jackson Hewitt.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      All I've ever known that company to protect was the Oscar results, and who the fuck cares about that.

      • Serolf_Divad

        The also protect the envelope containing the results of the presidential elections, given to them in March of that year by the Illuminati.

        • Arborista

          But the Bilderberg meeting's not until May/June?

          Which Illuminati are you referencing?

          • KeepFnThatChicken

            Reverse that. They meet in May/June, and decide who wins at that meeting. PWC then holds the envelope for nine months.

  • Ruhe

    What's the current Bit-coin to hobo-bean exchange rate? I'm guessing that might be important to know at some point.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Only if Romney gets elected. Mush, you huskies! Get out the vote!

      Sorry, wrong amphitheatre.

  • SorosBot

    True Paultards would only accept payment in goooooold.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    How much is that in Buttcoins?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Or whore diamonds? It's not fair that they keep changing the currencies on us.

    • eggsacklywright

      Guess who's coming to dinar.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Not like its rial money.

        • OneDollarJuana

          God, those jokes are boring. *yuan*

          • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

            Take them away in shekels!

          • BaldarTFlagass

            I wouldn't know how much to pay,so how much is that in cowrie shells?

          • Lascauxcaveman

            I've always had a yen for seashells. My friends Mark and Franc say that's not a bad way to collect what euro'd.

          • eggsacklywright

            In the end, it will all come to McNaughton.

          • KeepFnThatChicken

            Euro riot.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Some of these puns are real Kroners.

          • eggsacklywright

            Are we gonna pound this into the ground?

          • eggsacklywright

            Arrght, the right margin is closing in. Feeling claustrophobic. Over the fiscal cliff we go….

          • HistoriCat

            I wouldn't peso much attention to that if I were you.

          • anniegetyerfun

            Some people are always shilling fear and uncertainty.

    • Arborista

      How much is it in Ameros?

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    HAHAHAHAHA THE JOKE'S ON THEM. THE MONIES ARE FAKE ANYWAY

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Do the Mormons have a Golem or something similar? These guys should be careful. Or worse yet, Mitt might put Chuck Norris on the case.

  • HRH_Maddie

    "One hundred billion Bitcoins" **puts pinky to lip**

    • emmelemm

      Off topic: I love your avatar.

      Also, your comment is amusing.

      • HRH_Maddie

        Twinsies!

        • emmelemm

          Ha! I didn't even think of that! I've just seen pics of pigs in their galoshes before and thought they were adorable.

          • HRH_Maddie

            Glad I'm not alone on that one. After a week of the RNC, this picture makes me smile again.

  • Baconzgood

    I thought a bitcoin is what Rafalca has in her mouth.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I'm tellin' Rafalca you said that about her. For such a fancy dancer, she can be a mean little horsey — @RafalcaRomney.

    • rickmaci

      You're confusing the horse with what Calista does to Newtie after she gets her hair helmet shaped.

  • hagajim

    I don't understand why they just didn't steal the winners of next years Oscars….the fix is already in right? I heard that DeSouza movie is gonna win best bullshit documentary.

  • Pookums

    YOUR DATAS, I HAS THEM.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      ALL UR DATA R BELONG 2 US.

  • Terry

    I wonder if a Nigerian prince was involved with this caper.

  • Baconzgood

    "Bitcoin uses cryptographic technologies and a network of computing power to enable users to make and verify irreversible, instant[citation needed] online Bitcoin payments, without an obligation to…"

    That's where I nodded off.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Gzzzzzzzz … wuh? (snort) *burp* zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  • MissTaken

    then sent encrypted versions of the forms to a bunch of media outlets and Democratic party headquarters, and if nobody pays them $1 million by September 28, they’ll send the keys to decrypt all the delicious forms.

    Finding these tax-nappers should be easy for the FBI. Just trace the crumbs of Cheetos and scent of middle-aged virginity to their mother's basement.

    • SorosBot

      OK now you're making me hungry for some Cheetos.

      • MissTaken

        better than being hungry for a middle-aged virgin.

        • SorosBot

          Ew; you know a middle-aged virgin would be extra pathetic, really having no idea what he or she is doing. Would probably use too much teeth too.

          • AbandonHope_

            …Steve Carell libel?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Riposte, and the ears & tail to MissTaken!

    • sewollef

      The FBI? I wouldn't trust them to find their own arse with both hands.

      Seems in an unrelated, but suspiciously maybe connected kinda way, AntiSec hacking group has hacked into an FBI agent's Dell laptop and stolen 12 million computer UDIDs* stored on his HD.

      Nice.

      • Arborista

        If you want to check if your Apple device's UDID was compromised, this site looks useful: http://thenextweb.com/?p=457287

        • sewollef

          The big question is, what was the FBI doing with all these IDs in the first place?

          And of course, as of today, the FBI are denying they even had the data, describing the story as "totally false".

          Shades of NSA wire-tapping….

          • Arborista

            Apple is denying they gave info to the FBI, the FBI is denying that a) they have these ID's stored and b) that their databases were hacked. They said the leaked ID's might just be made-up numbers in a UDID format so I'd be really interested if anyone finds their UDID on the list.

            At this point, I'm kinda agnostic, but I'm a Mac user (desktop computer, no "devices") so I'm interested in hearing more about how this story plays out.

      • MosesInvests

        Texas Ranger outside the Koresh compound in Waco, TX, as quoted by Molly Ivins (of blessed memory):
        "The three most overrated things in the world are young p*ssy, Mack trucks and the FBI."

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      You don't have to be alive to have a website publish a key. The scenario is thus. Here is a wad of data that can be unlocked with this key. Pay the org a million bucks and the key stays safe with the org. Did I mention The org has hundreds of copies of the key around the planet, that will advertise themselves if the interested entity doesn't get paid?

      Leveraged buyout 2.0

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I can hide you in my basement if They come looking for you.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    If they get the payment in bitcoins, will they have to pay taxes on their windfall? Mitt Romney wants to know.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Yes, but only at the caBITal gains rate.

      HAH! I crack me up…

      • Pookums

        Heyooooooooo!!!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        *Some*body has to. (Slaps actor most heartily on the back, keels over laughing, dies)

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Byte your tongue, son.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Not Ameros? I has a disappoint.

    • emmelemm

      Me too.

    • Tundra Grifter

      I was going to offer 1,000,000 Ameros. If they'll take a check…

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    please, sweet jesus, let them have spoofed their MAC address, gone through a proxy, and done this from a McDonald's.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      This is all part of that "StopRush" movement, innit?

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Multiple proxies. The ad serving data is a total back door.

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        I had to give up. It's amazing how productive I became after I quit surfing for porn.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if these guys ever saw a movie called Charlie Varrick. They might not know with whom they fuck.

  • YouBetcha

    That's not funny, Lou Sarah.

  • owhatever

    Do you have Bitcoins in your portfolio? Bitcoins have increased in value every minute. Call us at BitcoinLine to learn how you can profit from this guaranteed investment strategy and not be left for the Death Panels of Obamacare. Bitcoins. Now more than ever.

  • PuckStopsHere

    You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! And ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

  • IncenseDebate

    It's kinda amazing that somehow some rogue IRS dude or dudette hasn't leaked them for realz.

    • Terry

      Oddly enough, many Federal employees are actually professionals who behave in an ethical manner.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Somehow "rogue" doesn't really square too well with my mental picture of math majors and accountants. (looks over at spousal unit)

      Nope.

  • Goonemeritus

    I don’t think spending the entire million on booze is really advisable. Any finical advisor worth his salt would recommend diversifying with portions in fungible assets like a couple of cans of mixed nuts and maybe some Chex-mix.

    • Terry

      Mountain Dew and Cheetos.

    • Arborista

      I hear that Brawndo has electrolytes…

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Mushrooms. Weed. Heroin. Speed.

      Honestly, Goon, mixed nuts and Chex-mix? Where's your sense of ADVENTURE, dood?

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Bitcoins are a cross of Ron Paul funny money, paypal, and linden dollars. Outside of that cheesy billboard on Lawrence Expressway, this is the best publicity bitcoins have gotten. Their chief uses were status for libertarian nerds and buying bad t-shirts. Now getting Mittens tax papers? cool…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "All your return are belong to us."

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      And other things the senior Romney said. Who knew the old man was so hip?

  • Crank_Tango

    I often get paid in euros, which kinda sucks now that the euro is tanking, so what I need to do is find another currency. I am wondering what the conversion rates are between bitcoin, euros, dollars, ameros, hobo beans, french francs, whore diamonds and pound sterling? Is there an app for that?

    • eggsacklywright

      Yes, but it's in Esperanto.

    • Tundra Grifter

      CT:

      Maybe you need to invest in a couple of those old Ron Paul survival packs – with Krugerrands, etc.

      • Crank_Tango

        I have a bunch of seeds buried in the back yard, but unfortunately they sprouted.

        • Tundra Grifter

          CT:

          If you don't like that you're probably a Republican. They hate any sign of green shoots.

          Black and brown shoots they're down with.

    • Goonemeritus

      The Father of a good friend immigrated to the US from Serbia through GB after WWII. He was a fairly prominent engineer and he took a job without really understanding the value of his paycheck. When his first paycheck arrived his friend drove him to the grocery store to show him what it would buy. Imagine his delight when he discovered his weekly check was the equivalent of 32 average size turkeys. My wife still likes to convert are annual total compensation into turkeys to this day.

      • Crank_Tango

        Wow. I bet you only really need about 1 turkey a week, and the rest is just…wait for it…gravy.

      • Tundra Grifter

        GEM:

        The Economist newspaper used to compare how different nations were doing with a Big Mac index. And they were serious about it.

    • prommie

      Once upon a time it was 7 francs to the dollar and an amazing four-course lunch, with a carafe of the local wine, too, could be had for like 20 francs. And this isn't ancient history, this was like, life under Clinton!

      • Crank_Tango

        I remember about 6 something before I came back to the states after my semester in Paris in 93. I can still hear the voice of the sandwiche grec man saying "very good! blill clinton! chili sauce!"

      • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

        It was fab!
        The whole Fatale family stayed in the turret of a 15th century chateau in Brittany, and we ate like kings every night.
        Good times!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Life under Clinton IS ancient history. I remember those wonderful years. Between the two of us, we were making a very tidy sum indeed, working at jobs we loved, where we were highly-compensated, highly-respected, and treated like humans. Half the companies I used to work for have either gone under or merged into something unrecognizable, the same ppl who used to shower us with booze and barbecue on Fridays (Beer Bash Fridays!) now expect us to make international conference calls FROM HOME during our supposed nonwork time, and if you don't work one or both weekend days, you're considered a slacker.

        ETA: And nobody's gotten a raise in years. Like, ten.

    • Serolf_Divad

      1 Euro –> 3 cans of hobo beans –> 1 Rambo survival knife (needle, thread and waterproof matches missing) –> 6 Ameros –> 2 autographed Ron Paul Reports from the early 1980's –> 1 freeze dried survival ration (hamburger steak & mashed potatos) –> 2 Playboy magazines circa 1988 (fair condition) –> 2 packs of Smithsonian Air & Space Museum Astronaut Ice Cream (1 strawberry, 1 neapolitan) –> 5 Bitcoins.

      • Arborista

        You have performed a great service to humanity here. But how many upfists = 1 Bitcoin?

        • Crank_Tango

          all of'em, katie.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I got the ice cream already.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Of course this is fake. Mitt Romney would never actually FILE taxes. Come on now.

  • CrunchyKnee

    If I had a million bitcoins, I'd buy you a blimp…

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      But not a real blimp, cuz that'd be cruel.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    There was a big-ass article on these bitcoin things in the New Yorker a couple years back. It confused me worse than some of their cartoons.

    • IncenseDebate

      I like big ass articles.

    • DahBoner

      I only read The New Yorker for the Big Ass cartoons…

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    FoxNews saying this is Obama's fault in 3…2…..

  • JustPixelz

    I don't know what "bitcoins" are, but I'm confident Romney has some (millions!) in a bank account somewhere.

    • Terry

      Or in a jar on his dresser.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    well, duh. amero's have soared against the euro. bitcoins are the only safe harbor left.

  • freakishlywrong

    The Dorkalution will be youtubed.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I'll give one hundred million Quatloos for the Stiff One's Tax Forms.

  • MissTaken

    I was convinced the rLOVElution blimp was the apex of nerd-dom. But I see this crop of nerds have elevated the nerd bar to new heights. Well played nerds, well played.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    Haha, just kidding, Wonkette would not pay dirty ransom money, we would just use your cash to buy booze.

    i sure as hell hope so.

    • Terry

      How about spending some of it on toy boys? Money is spent of floozies all the time and I demand parity.

    • mrpuma2u

      And take out foodz

  • tihond

    Man, Mitt Romney will do anything for money.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Here, let me beat them to the punch. The answer is….

    0

    Thanks, you.

    • Nostrildamus

      Nothing to see here.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I always thought the answer to everything was "42".

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    Episode V- the Paultards strike back

  • MissTaken

    Are bitcoins legal tender in Second Life?

    I'm asking for a friend.

    • prommie

      Gawker says you can safely order high-end Canadian hydroponic herb and pay with bitcoins. Herbs, cooking herbs, what the hell did you think I was talking about?

      • Arborista

        I thought maybe you meant Herb.

  • IncenseDebate

    Could this be a Roger Stone ratfuck operation?

  • IceCreamEmpress

    OMG Bitcoins! Or "RonPaulFunBux", as some genius on SomethingAwful dubbed them.

    The good news is that if the haxx0rs got the Bitcoins, someone else would just steal them. Yesterday, the BitCoin community was rocked by the announcement that someone had stolen all the fake monies from a new "exchange". This happens about every two weeks.

    Of course, the BitCoin community is still reeling from the default of the largest "bank" I.e. Ponzi scheme, with several hundred thousand of the libertarian Pogs (currently selling for about $10 US) in the wind.

    Maybe I should write a post for you guys about BitCoin? I have been following it intensely because it delivers the Schadenfreude/Fremdschaemen combo I so love.

    • SorosBot

      Quite frankly, I'd rather have some Alf pogs than Libertarian pogs.

    • Terry

      Please do.

      I thought the hard core Libertarians were going to relocate to a floating city out in international waters, beyond the reach of government…until they send an SOS call to the Coast Guard, of course.

      • Whollyholeyholy

        Guaranteed way to ward off a bad mood: imagine all the realistic potential endings to Antisocial Island.

        Please let this be a thing that happens during my lifetime.

        • IceCreamEmpress

          Boortz has the conch!

    • AbandonHope_

      "RonPaulFunBux" is great, though I have to admit I like "Libertarian Pogs" too.

      This would actually be a fun way to screw with Bitcoins: buy a few at a time, and then delete them. Get a few thousand people to do that every month or so. Once a Bitcoin is gone, it's gone for good, so you'll keep depleting the available supply. Of course the price per coin would go up as you did this, so eventually it would become unfeasible… but at the same time the entry cost of obtaining Bitcoins will be too high. Those who are hoarding Bitcoins will be loathe to do anything with them for fear of losing their precious, precious wealth… but if nobody actually uses a currency for transactions, is it really a currency?

      This emperor has no clothes, and is trying to sell those nonexistent coins with nonexistent money.

  • prommie

    This is right about where Larry Flynt should step in and pony up the money.

    • Terry

      As much as I detest Hustler, I have to say that I do root for Larry Flynt when he makes a foray into politics.

  • fartknocker

    So how much is Rafalca's tax deduction in bitcoins because I looked at the Wikipedia page and I can't figure out the exchange rate.

  • IceCreamEmpress

    Speaking of Schadenfreude, I'm sure I'm not the only Wonketteer to be delighted that the Oogieloves was the biggest flop ever.

    I think "TruckNutz! The Movie" would have done better.

    • SorosBot

      I mentioned it yesterday! And it's amazing; over a four-day weekend it averaged only slightly over two hundred per screen, meaning there an average of under one person per showing. Awesomely horrible.

    • HistoriCat

      Doktor Zoom posted this review yesterday.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      The very *name* itself gives me the oogieboogles. So much saccharine packed into 90 minutes of eye-injuring dayglo colours and too pweshusly twee "aht" must surely make for a giant technicolour yawn and immediate diabetic coma.

  • AbandonHope_

    If you want to know about Bitcoins, this article is a pretty good summary. Suffice to say it's hardly the panacea its proponents claim it to be.

    • Terry

      You can actually say that about most Libertarian "great ideas".

      • AbandonHope_

        Oh, there are good parts to it, but overall… the main thing that gets me is that those who got in "on the ground floor", so to speak, have the most Bitcoins because it was the easiest to "mine" them back then; it is now literally a million times more difficult to get them. "So what," proponents say, "when the supply runs out nobody will be mining anyway, everything will be done via transactions the way any other currency is." Except that now you have a bunch of multi-millionaires who got rich simply because they were some of the first people to mine. So of course the early Bitcoin proponents want the currency to succeed; they have the most to gain.

        Secondly, there's a finite amount of Bitcoins, which is one of the things proponents like — after all, this way it isn't a fiat currency. Except that if you delete a Bitcoin wallet, or irreversibly lose the password, et cetera, those Bitcoins are gone. Forever. And the fact of the matter is that things get deleted all the time. So, yeah, you won't get inflation due to an increasing money supply; you'll get deflation due to a shrinking one. But, hell, this is what the Randians want, right? After all, this just means that all the folks who are super-careful about guarding their wealth hoards get richer and richer and more and more Coins are permanently lost.

        • Terry

          The problem with libertarianism is that the basic concepts sound fine when limited to a sentence or two. As soon as those asshats start to discuss them in depth, particularly the extent to which they'd take them, it turns into narcissistic and mean spirited fantasy.

          • AbandonHope_

            True, and whenever serious flaws are uncovered in their theories, they are just hand-waved away as something that will be fixed by "the invisible hand". Like that whole "early adopters have the most Coins" thing. I mean, Jesus, if by some Randian magic Bitcoins did become a viable currency, you have a ready-made aristocracy, right there! Might as well break out the surveyors' tools and start parceling the land off into fiefdoms!

  • ShreditorsDesk

    I will gladly pay you in Dimblarz Tuesday for a hamburger today.

  • gullywompr

    "Ron Paul acolytes".

    Acolytes? Is that what we're caling them now?

  • Blueb4sinrise
    • Nostrildamus

      ?

      • Blueb4sinrise

        Curiosity finds tax returns on Mars.

  • JoeHoya

    So, let me get this straight. Their demand is this: If you do not give me $1 million for this information by Sept. 28, I will give it to you for free.

    Got it.

    • IncenseDebate

      A Palin must be behind this.

    • IceCreamEmpress

      That's BitCoin logic!

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Hey man, they charge for the info bullet. It's not like they're communists.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Is this from a Neal Stephenson novel or something?

    • proudgrampa

      I was thinking that this was a sub-plot from REAMDE.

      Corporation 9592, indeed.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Fox News will buy the decrypts and give them to Romney.

    • Terry

      Murdoch will buy them and use them for even greater leverage over Romney. Mitt's bought and paid for, whether he wants to admit it or not.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    The irony of Romney getting owned is just so gravitational. It collapses in upon itself, creating a singularity of hilarity.

  • finette_

    fire-sharing site

    Someone has finally perfected remote flamethrower technology to use on stupids and trolls? YESSSSS.

    • MissTaken

      And here I thought a fire-sharing site was the airport bathroom you catch herpes from during the GOP convention.

      • SorosBot

        Here I thought it referred to Lindsey Lohan's and John Mayer's crotches.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    OK, BeccaLou, this >> THIS story is fucking TAILOR-MADE for the Wonketz. I shall be crushed and heartbroken if you do not send your trusty reportrixes to cover it forthwith.

    Srsly. WTF is a guy in AR doing with a "small preserved alligator head"? And how small can an alligator head BE? Also too why is the State legislator not charged with anything despite the fight CLEARLY being mutual?

    • Terry

      As a former resident of the State of Louisiana, I attest to the fact that many people keep dried alligator heads as decorative items. A few of these people are wildlife biologists or run nature centers. Most, however, keep the dried gator heads just because the heads look way cool.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Not to nitpick or nuthin', but I'm kinda guessing that gator heads mostly look WAY cool to other gators, and mostly when they're still attached to, you know, the rest of the gator. And sure, I can understand biologists or naturalists being interested in having one lying around, but we're talking *Republican* here, you know, Science is an Instrument of Teh Debbil? So I'm just wondering why the guy would have one around the house a-tall, especially since his long-term paramour appears to be a woman of mighty tempers, just the sort, one would be inclined to think, who might avail herself of a head that was, as it were, to hand, for the sole purpose of clobbering another. Head, that is. Although, as TribecaMike implies, they tactfully do not mention *which* head sustained the injury.

    • TribecaMike

      A "head" wound, heh?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        You're right, they didn't say WHICH head. Sigh. Journamalism. Standards, they r teh dropping. Or perhaps I mean droppings.

  • qwerty42

    I'd demand Ameros. Gold Ameros.

  • qwerty42

    This is a gold Amero.

  • mr bojangles

    schedule c discloses fact romney raped and killed a teenage girl in 1990!

  • RRoccoco

    Harry Reid has some serious covert op skills. And the Bitcoin bit–just brilliant! You can't pay what you never had! Can't wait for Sept 29.

  • Antispandex

    "(Haha, just kidding, Wonkette would not pay dirty ransom money, we would just use your cash to buy booze.)"

    A much better use of your bitcoins. I think we can all guess why Mitters hasn't released his tax records.

  • Guppy

    Dollars, Bitcoins, feh! Job creators insist on Swiss Francs!

  • larrykat

    Dear Aqua Buddha Jesus, please, in the name of your son Aqua Velva, let this story be true.

  • poorgradstudent

    It would be strangely fitting for the Romney campaign to go down as a result of "Revenge of the Nerds"-esque shenanigans. Hopefully it will mean for sure that Ted McGinley will play Mittens in the inevitable bio-pic.

    • IceCreamEmpress

      Showkiller Ted would be perfect casting, and hopefully his curse would extend even unto the Mittens Show.

  • ttommyunger

    I frankly don't think Mitten's chances are worth a plug Bitcoin, taxes or no taxes.

  • TribecaMike

    Behold the awesomeness of the Paul Ryan Time Calculator! http://www.paulryantimecalculator.com/

  • lulzmonger

    Hmm, talk about Conundrum City: cough up a cool million or wait three whole weeks, cough up a cool million or wait three whole weeks, cough up a cool million or wait three whole weeks … DAMN THIS IS A TOUGH ONE ALRIGHT.

  • http://tonguepunch.insanejournal.com/ Andrew Drinker

    Bitcoins are basically the cyber version of:

    "*wipes drool from mouth* I'll give you 4300 gold 75 silver 49 copper for your [Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker]!!!!"