Wingnut Thought Experiments

Freepers Excited About Prospects Of New Civil War, Yet Again

Astonishingly, NOT by Jon McNaughtonOur friends over at Free Republic do not have a lot of confidence that U.S. America can possibly last much longer, what with all the socialism and the welfare and the fiat money and the welfare and the food stamps, also Obama will take everyone’s guns. Also, welfare. So they are ever vigilant for the first glimmer of a chance to actually refresh the Tree of Liberty with the blood of tyrants, or at least to talk about what they’ll do for sure when SHTF, which they are totally ready for. Heck, their bloodthirsty desire for serious concern about a second Civil War is so deep that FR even uses a “CW2″ tag so readers can keep track of the many posts on the topic. The latest addition to the ouvre is “When The Music Stops — How America’s Cities May Explode In Violence,” by one Matt Bracken, which originally ran on the Western Rifle Shooters Assn. blog. Mr. Bracken is also the author of the “Enemies Foreign And Domestic” trilogy of novels, which is, surprisingly, self-published, and which absolutely does not simply scream “Turner Diaries fanfic.” (Link includes excerpts. Oh boy.)

So anyway, as a very credible author of paranoid military thrillers, Mr. Bracken is certainly well-qualified to “give us the skinny” on how the coming disintegration of America may “go down,” so that we can all be “locked and loaded” for it! Based on his extensive study of social trends, military tactics, and ideas pulled out of his ass, Mr. Bracken believes that the coming Troubles will be ignited when “a cascading economic crisis, even a temporary one, leads to millions of EBT (electronic benefit transfer) cards flashing nothing but zeroes” and/or the supermarkets stop accepting the worthless funds that are not backed up by gold or something. (The details of how the economy would collapse to this degree are not important, because he wants to move along to the rioting).

Then, once the minorities find that they can’t get food with their food stamps, they will go on a looting rampage, like they do. Again, never mind that not quite half of food stamp recipients are white, or that 41% of families using the program also have some employment income — those are minor distractions that get in the way of the fun tactical narrative about urban warfare that Mr. Bracken would like to focus on, thank you. Once The Blacks (Bracken prefers the military-thriller-sounding acronym “MUY” — “Minority Urban Youths”) have looted all the grocery and convenience stores and there’s no more food, then “A single truck loaded with food or gasoline would be perceived to be a Fort Knox on wheels and subject to immediate attack” — yes, you should now be thinking of Reginald Denny during the LA Riots! Also, Mr. Bracken would like you to know that he is Not Being Racist, Just Being A Realist Who Recognizes The Harsh Realities:

Some locales will divide upon religious or political lines, but they will not be the dominant factors contributing to conflict. In the American context, the divisions will primarily have an ethnic or racial context, largely because that makes it easy to sort out the sides at a safe distance. No need to check religious or political affiliation at a hundred yards when The Other is of a different color.

We Americans are all about doing things the easy way, so, sadly, visible racial and ethnic features will form the predominant lines of division.

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See? He doesn’t LIKE writing this stuff, but he has to take a cold hard look at reality, even though he shakes his head sadly at that reality. So THEN, the MUYs will “move their activities to the borders of their ethnic enclaves” and attack “major intersections and highway interchanges where non-MUY suburban commuters must make daily passage to and from what forms of employment still exist.” (Again, no black people have jerbs, DUH). You just know that the following paragraph was written with a raging stiffy:

Some of those trapped in their cars will try to drive out of the area, inevitably knocking down MUY pedestrians and being trapped by even more outraged MUYs. The commuters will be dragged out of their cars and kicked or beaten to death. Other suburban commuters will try to shoot their way out of the lines of stopped cars, and they will meet the same grim fate once they run out of bullets and room to escape.

Who will save these poor white commuters? Another acronym will save them, or at least take revenge: the Suburban Armed Vigilantes, or SAVs! Heroic teams of combat veterans who “have acquired graduate-level educations in various aspects of urban warfare,” will take up arms against the MUY mobs! (Mr. Bracken appears to think that America’s combat veterans are all white, somehow.) And they will be better-armed, because while the mobs will have a motley mix of knives, pistols, and AK-47s, the combat vets will have AR-15-based semiautomatic rifles with optical scopes. And hunting rifles! They will deal death from a distance! A few paragraphs of gun porn later, Bracken treats us to a “Sniper Ambush Scenario” in which radio-equipped sniper teams drive their pickups to an area overlooking a likely Urban Chokepoint and shoot them some MUYs!

The result is a turkey shoot. One magazine of thirty aimed shots per rifle is expended in under a minute, a coded cease-fire is called on the walkie-talkies, and the trucks drive away at the speed limit. The canvas covering the truck beds contains the shooters’ spent brass. If the trucks are attacked from medium or close range, the canvas can be thrown back and the two snipers with their semi-automatic rifles or carbines will add their firepower to that of the driver and spotter.

Back at the intersection, complete panic breaks out among the rioters as a great number of bullets have landed in human flesh. Over a score have been killed outright, and many more scream in pain for medical attention they will not receive in time. The sniper ambush stops the flash mob cold in its tracks as the uninjured flee in terror, leaving their erstwhile comrades back on the ground bleeding. The commuters trapped in their vehicles may have an opportunity to escape.

Hah! Panicky nig MUYs won’t even help their screaming bleeding friends in the face of superior firepower!!!1! Bracken goes on: there will be a corrupt government crackdown on the SAViors, a big ol’ civil war that lasts for years, and then eventually an uneasy truce as everyone retreats to ethnic enclaves separated by high concrete “Peace Walls,” just like Northern Ireland! (Why is this man not already in charge of our urban planning?) Oh, or maybe we’ll fall into a centuries-long “New Dark Ages;” that could happen too. Bracken ends his jeremiad with appropriate solemnity:

Most of us wish we could turn back the calendar to Norman Rockwell’s America. But we cannot, for that America is water long over the dam and gone from our sight, if not from our memories. John Adams said, “Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.” If that is true, judging by current and even accelerating cultural shifts, we might already have passed the point of no return.

The prudent American will trim his sails accordingly.

Again, he is not advocating anything. Just urging “us” (non-MUYs of course) to be ready, is all. Apparently, the simple expedient of adequately funding nutritional assistance programs is NOT a reasonable option.

We would simply add one bit of advice: Gun oil should never be used as a lubricant for masturbation.

[Free Republic]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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382 comments

    1. Doktor Zoom

      "A thorough appreciation of literature allows no short cuts."

      –from the Cliffs Notes disclaimer.

      And the works of Matt Bracken are Littachur, dammit! I was just sad that I couldn't make everyone on Wonkette follow the sage advice in this Freeper post about the original:

      READ EVERY WORD OF THIS AT LEAST TWICE. Matt Bracken has written a piece over at Western Rifle Shooters that matches exactly how I have envisaged the coming collapse and civil war.

      1. Arborista

        Dok, when will you admit that Matt Bracken is your nom de plume, & you're playing both ends against the middle?

      2. actor212

        Matt Bracken has written a piece over at Western Rifle Shooters that matches exactly how I have envisaged the coming collapse and civil war.

        So it's contagious? I recommend immediately quarantine

    1. BerkeleyBear

      And pretty much the day after that gets mentioned on Fox News you'll see a rash of "sovereign citizen compounds" go into armed standoff mode and have to get mowed down Ruby Ridge/Waco style.

  1. timbo71351

    Fuck those crazy old white Christian gun nut assholes. I'm all down for a civil war if it thins out their ranks — and I'm a 41-year-old honky.

    1. succalina

      That's the only reason I own a gun. If those bat-shit crazy ass white bastards are coming for me, I'll be damn sure I take one with me.

      And like timbo71351, I'm a honky, too.

    2. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Yes I'm getting a bit sick of the pornographic fixation these fascists have on armed violence myself. The fact that this asshole writes this detailed fantasy and then pretends to be solemn about it is so racist and fascist it's almost beyond reason. To wit: The 'race war' which will look like some sort of national version of the LA '92 riots is going to be black people attacking white people because their EBT cards won't work? This idiot is so lazy he doesn't even update his racial slurs, if anything it won't be a 'race war' should that happen, it will be a class war because white welfare recipients vastly outnumber black recipients. This is the same old tired "blah" bullshit which explains in a nutshell why black people do not like fucking wingnuts. I am white myself and this kind of lazy racist Turner Diaries fantasy bullshit pisses me off as much as I'm sure it pisses off any black person who reads it. Fucking freeper skinheads…

    3. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      I also love how it's all "Obama's fault" because of his 'class warfare' rhetoric. It isn't as a result of conservatives fomenting this shit completely and utterly without merit (based upon racial antipathy and because their exposure to black folks comes from Faux Nuuz and every other right wing outlet portraying black Americans in the most negative way possible)…nope it's because Obama is "king black guy" and is mobilizing all other black people to take their shit because they are all on welfare, can't have jobs and resent the "success" of these pasty fuckfaces. God I wish there was some kind of law we could use with some of these people….

  2. Hera Sent Me

    Misanthropic religious nuts yearn for the Apocalypse. Misanthropic traitors yearn for a civil war.

    Eventually, we may have to fulfill one of their collective BDSM fantasies and lock them up.

  3. LastGasp

    Obama will take everyone’s guns.
    There are very few guns left to take — the wingnut conspiracy theorists had to pawn 'em when they lost their jobs. However, this fact doesn't rule out the possibility of a pitchfork-wielding mob.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I plan to take that class this Fall. I want to be prepared. I haven't checked to see if I need to bring a pitchfork, or if one will be supplied.

  4. SorosBot

    Considering how many of those suburban commuters drive, a total menace to pedestrians who completely ignore the right of way but think they can just threaten to run us over with their big-ass SUVs, I've been tempted to drag them out of their cars and give them what they were asking for.

          1. schvitzatura

            I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Teatardism, Dude, at least it's an ethos…

    1. Steverino247

      You're entering into a World of Pain-in-the-ass.

      and

      "This is what happens when fuck a meme in the ass!"

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      What fun would that be? We'd miss out on all that groovy paramilitary action.

      You know he wants it, but bad.

    2. Jukesgrrl

      That would work for me, since AZ cut me off before I was supposed to have used up all my benefits. I thought it was "insurance" that I and my employer had paid for but … silly me.

  5. taylormattd

    If you play Michelle Obama's speech backward, it says GET WHITEY GET WHITEY GET WHITEY! over and over.

    FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    "so, sadly, visible racial and ethnic features will form the predominant lines of division."

    You mean the ones you just drew in your article, dude?

    1. prommie

      I prefer to draw the line between working people, and useless parasites who live off inherited wealth, myself.

  7. Joshua Norton

    The sniper ambush stops the flash mob cold in its tracks as the uninjured flee in terror, leaving their erstwhile comrades back on the ground bleeding. The commuters trapped in their vehicles may have an opportunity to escape.

    Needz moar wingnut Apocalyptic/treason porn!!

    These people have reduced themselves to mindless cartoon characters in an endless "Call of Duty" X box game..

  8. SigDeFlyinMonky

    MUY, MUY encantado! Let's just go with the Bluesteeldemocrats bumper sticker: Democrats don't want your guns, we've got our own.

  9. Antispandex

    Back in the olden days, when I was serving my country, I was under the strong impression that advocating the violent overthrow of the government was at least frowned upon. This does make me a little nervous when I think about only rednecked crackers owning guns though. That's maybe not good for the future of a two party system in this country…or even the survival of any liberals at all. But, hey, this is America in the 21st century! I'm sure we'll be just fine.

    1. Crank_Tango

      Exactly. I really doubt it will come to a civil war, but it makes me cringe when we libtards go on and on about disarming ourselves. It's like lambs to the slaughter or something. Then again, I can talk frog, so when the shit hits the fan its adieu, mangeurs de merde !

    1. sullivanst

      Freeper comments?

      Yeah, don't go there. You can't imagine enough brain bleach to feel clean after going there.

    2. Hammiepants

      Right? Every once in a while, I click on those little icons on my Intense Debate profile that shows who's "visited" me, and interestingly, it's always wingnuts. I like to pretend they're hatefapping to my profile.

    3. pdiddycornchips

      I took a look. I'll paraphrase and correct for tone and intent as they speak to one another in wingnut coded terminology.

      1). Most think this could be real and they are preparing for it even though the possibility is remote (*THEY PRAY TO THEIR WHITEY GOD EVERY NIGHT FOR THIS TO HAPPEN)

      2). They are sure it will not happen in their towns but in far off places like Chicago, NY and Los Angeles(* ONCE THE RIOTING STARTS IN EARNEST, THEY WILL ELIMINATE ANYONE IN THEIR IMMEDIATE VICINITY THAT COULD POSE A THREAT, ie BLACKS AND MEXICANS)

      3). They are concerned about what kinds of weapons they should have and when they should get their Glenn Beck approved Gold out of the safe deposit box (*THEY ALL PRETEND TO HAVE MILLIONS IN GOLD BULLION. EVERYONE KNOWS THIS IS A LIE AND THEY ARE SECRETLY GETTING FOOD STAMPS)

      4). None of this would have to happen if Obama would stop it with the being Black and Liberal shit. (* THEY ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO BEING THEIR OPENLY RACIST SELVES. THEY ARE THISCLOSE TO RELEASING ALL THAT PENT UP RACE HATRED AND CAN'T WAIT TO GET STARTED)

  10. randcoolcatdaddy

    Wow … all this fuss from these people just because we have a Black president.

    In 2016, when the Dems get a Chinese-American transexual FTM that's married to a lovely Hispanic chick in the White House, their heads really will explode.

  11. LesBontemps

    This guy needs to be hunted down by the Obama Youth Brigade and taken to the nearest FEMA re-education camp, where he will be gay married to a Muslim Socialist.

  12. AbandonHope_

    I can't. I tried to snark, but I just can't.

    These people are pure evil. I mean, full-on, balls-to-the-wall, Nazi evil.

    1. SoBeach

      Nah. Boneheads, mostly. They're only badass survivors who get the hot chicks in their fantasy world. In the real world they're just kind of creepy.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        Those Boneheads may not have the mental capacity to build a dictatorship, but you can bet your bottom dollar they'd go along with anyone who does.

  13. emmelemm

    that makes it easy to sort out the sides at a safe distance

    What is this I don't even….

    Mind swirling…

    Yes, let's just decide that everyone with the opposite color skin is our enemy. Because we can see them at a distance. It makes it "easy".

  14. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I really don't need to be subjected to this guy's survivalist masturbation marathon. How many times do you think he came in his cargo pants while writing this shit?

    Ugh, there goes my lunch.

    1. SmutBoffin

      "I kept scraping, and reminiscing. The first few months after finding Cori in Venezuela she had been insatiable, a passionate tigress. There had been a magnetic skin hunger between us, a shared sexual attraction that found us entangled at least twice a day, often on deserted beaches or atop sand dunes overlooking the ocean. A night didn't pass that we didn't make love in the double bed of my captain's cabin, which occupied the entire stern of Rebel Yell. Between those times we were rarely more than a few feet apart, and we were usually touching. Her hot Latina temper had never mattered to me, not when we thought we were madly in love. "

      LOL The protagonist has a hot Venezuelan GF and a boat called Rebel Yell and a employee named 'Tran Hung '.

      1. pdiddycornchips

        What? All that blah shootin'' and he's got time and energy for boffing a latino whore? Really? Back in the real world, he can't find a woman willing to sit next to him on the bus let alone touch skin with him. If he were ever face to face with an band of urban youths, he would wet himself before offering to service them orally.

          1. BerkeleyBear

            Jeepers, that's quite an interesting CV. So how often was he forced to applaud Bruce Willis' harmonica playing?

          2. Limeylizzie

            He liked him when he was on Die Hard but by the time he did Hudson Hawk he had become a movie star.

      1. schvitzatura

        Whatcha think of Milius, do tell?

        Bowfinger, The 40 Year Old Virgin, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall?

        DAYYUM!

        1. Limeylizzie

          He said that shoot was insane, it was before I knew him, but they were in the New Mexico desert I believe.Jack is the man! I am proud of him, he is a design genius.He did a fantastic job on a TV pilot last year, “Powers”, based on a graphic novel, but it doesn't look as if it will get picked up.

  15. anniegetyerfun

    I take it that the police Obama-led U.N. troops will have nothing to say about this, and just stay home?

  16. johnnyzhivago

    And when the UN Armies parachute into every corner of America and start turning our golf courses into solar panel farms – the real bloodbath begins!!!!!!!!!!!

    All of this because this Obama is so – "one world" – he just doesn't understand the "shining city on the hill" like we do.

  17. Baconzgood

    MUY? That's it. I quit. Can you please pull the country over. I'll walk the rest of the way to Sanity from here.

  18. cromiller

    No snark, but if you want a great perspective on what CWII would look like, read the comic books series DMZ. Fascinating stuff!

  19. anniegetyerfun

    Israel built a really neato Peace Wall, too! And it worked really well and everyone lived Happily Ever After.

    1. SorosBot

      I don't need your civil war
      It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
      Your power hungry sellin' soldiers
      In a human grocery store
      Ain't that fresh
      I don't need your civil war
      Ow, oh no, no, no, no, no

    1. Gleem McShineys

      Though sometimes it takes a while.

      Understandably there is a high probability of mistaking one's weenis for a perspiration softened cheetoh that found under one's gutflap.

  20. Baconzgood

    How come these people that live in the suburbs think no white people live in the city? I hate to inform them but I have black, white, vietnamese, gay, and even morman neighbors living ON THE SAME BLOCK (DUN-DUN-DUNH)!!

    1. actor212

      Better.

      How is it that urban tactics are hard to teach a trained fucking army, much less a bunch of drunk yahoos in pickups? Have they actually LOOKED at Tikrit or Baghdad or Kabul, and how easy it is for people to hole up and not only defend their towns, but repel invasions unless there is overwhelming force?

      You know, the kind an actual fucking army can bring, not a "militia"?

      1. sullivanst

        You mean the pasty keyboard warriors jerking off down the barrels of their saturday night specials don't have access to AH-64 gunships and M1 tanks?

      2. Doktor Zoom

        Ah, but you see, your negro is an unthinking brute unable to adapt to modern tactics. Just like the simple tribesmen of Iraq and Afghanistan.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      My guess is that this guy lives in a single-wide on 2 acres out in the sticks; old style 12-foot satellite dish out back and a 1976 C-1500 Scottsdale pickup truck on cinder blocks out front. Or in his mom's basement.

      1. grex1949

        Naw, Mom kicked his ass out when he accidentally shot a hole in the ceiling of that 50's model mobile home a few weeks back while cleaning his gun.

    3. SorosBot

      Silly, white people live in the suburbs and only go to the city to work or be tourists!

      (As an urban white guy myself, I guess I must be a race traitor?)

        1. SorosBot

          Well the Northwest is a little far from both my current abode and my soon-to-be one, but yes I will be happy to join the Race Traitor Brigades.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        Since I just moved to the sticks, I am 94% certain that most of my neighbors are Freepers. I've been avoiding all white people in the area, in hopes of never finding out just how evil all of them are.

      2. shelwood46

        It's truly amazing how dedicated those white people are to their jobs in the city, that they will insist on commuting in daily during a race war, to face deadly riot mobs to get to work, every single day, even if they have to run (those) people over or shoot them. Is the coffee that much better in their offices?

        Attention white people: when Civil War 2 starts, take the week off.

    4. CrunchyKnee

      Yeah, I guess all my Rasta, white hipster, and just plain cranky old man Latino neighbors and I will have to stop smoking weed together on warm summer evenings.

      1. Baconzgood

        I know. I'm going to have to stop going over to Vo's place with Daryll for his huge Tet blow out every winter.

  21. ChernobylSoup

    Dude's got the entire Tom Clancy collection on milk crate-shelves, an MRE from the surplus store on a TV tray, and Billy Joel's Goodnight Saigon on repeat.

    1. AbandonHope_

      Isn't Goodnight Saigon about how all the Americans were woefully unprepared to engage the Viet-Cong (who were in their comfort zone, conducting guerrilla warfare in their own homes), and were thus slaughtered more or less as soon as they hit the ground?

      I'm trying to draw a parallel here, but I just can't quite figure out what that might be…

  22. Blunderthing

    Fucking armchair rebels. Let 'em go. Put 'em in a territory of their own, they'll start shooting at each other soon enough.

  23. actor212

    Bracken treats us to a “Sniper Ambush Scenario” in which radio-equipped sniper teams drive their pickups to an area overlooking a likely Urban Chokepoint and shoot them some MUYs!

    Yes, because the pendejos who live there have no idea that it's a chokepoint, or how to avoid it, because, you know, they've only lived there all their lives while you and your "boys" show up with Hummers and guns.

    Meanwhile, as you carefully set your trap, the MUYs are taking off with your rides home. And no, Mommy can't bail you out of this one.

  24. WhatTheHeck

    When liberty comes to the southern white man, it will be wrapped in the confederate flag and holding a bible in one hand and a rifle in the other.

    1. LibertyLover

      In an earlier Norman Rockwell world, no one had these kinds of meds.
      (Or, for that matter, assault weapons with clips that hold a huge number of rounds.)

  25. AbandonHope_

    Wait, I can snark now… if there were a big economic crisis, the first thing that would happen is major gasoline hoarding, so I do hope these Nazis have their pickups all filled up before they act out their terrorist attacks.

    Which is what these would be. Terrorist attacks.

  26. MissTaken

    Gun oil should never be used as a lubricant for masturbation.

    You just had to wait to the last sentence for that advice? Thanks Doc.

  27. AbandonHope_

    Incidentally, it is posts like these that resulted in my current nickname. Every once in a while I think about changing it, and then another one of these happens, and it remains apropos.

  28. Antispandex

    "Gun oil should never be used as a lubricant for masturbation."

    Is there an official Wonkette recommendation?

    1. Crank_Tango

      I prefer a tight grip anyway. I use my gun oil for buttsex. But then again, I use crisco to lube my gun anyway.

  29. DemmeFatale

    I just think it's so funny that these idiots hate Obama so much, but only have stupid ol' Mitt standing in his way.
    What a bunch of losers!
    They sure can talk the talk, though. (Don't worry, they'll never walk the walk.)

    1. GhostBuggy

      That's the best part about this whole election cycle. Obummer is the worst president in history, an evil Socialist usurper, etc. and so on, but the best they can bring is pandering, wishy-washy, actually-used-to-be-fairly-moderate Mitt fuckin' Romney.

      Is Obama Satan or not? Because if he is, where's your Great White Protestant/Baptist Hope?

  30. bikerlaureate

    No need to check religious or political affiliation at a hundred yards when The Other is of a different color.

    'cause every Puerto-riccan's
    a lousy chicken.

    1. Crank_Tango

      I think my favorite myth these assholes have is that libtards are all brown (and on welfare). I am so white and nordic looking, they will never see me coming.

  31. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Okay, I clicked on the linky and before even reading the comments I just have to ask …
    Why does this website look like it was created in 1998?

    1. sullivanst

      Because noone with the slightest artistic ability would ever dream of contributing their talents to Free Republic?

    1. OneYieldRegular

      I kind of liked the use of "erstwhile" as an adjective to describe left behind comrades who'd been shot. It's hard to generate novel uses of words like that even when using a thesaurus.

  32. Ruhe

    " In the American context, the divisions will primarily have an ethnic or racial context, largely because that makes it easy to sort out the sides at a safe distance. No need to check religious or political affiliation at a hundred yards when The Other is of a different color."

    Okay, so this whole thing truly is a shameless piece of porn but that line…that's sort of weirdly insightful isn't it. Or maybe it's revealing. Obviously the claim is that the MUY gangs will sort themselves out on the basis of color but the implication is that once they've done that, once they've played the race card, then the SAVs will have no choice but to band together along similar lines. How convenient. They don't have to be racists…they can have it thrust upon them.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      It is ever thus. What choice does a man have but to be a racist, once multiculturalism is forced upon him?

  33. LibertyLover

    So. They are going to be shooting from the shining city on the hill? Presumably from gated communities. I thought they wanted everyone to have access to these sorts of weapons… won't some of the nig MUY's shoot back? Or will they just ban the sale of the assault weapons based on *cough* background checks?

    1. gullywompr

      I know, right? That's always the fatal flaw in these cracker fantasies – assuming they are the ones with greater firepower.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      It will be temporarily renamed The Blackout-Curtain-Draped Strategic Community on the High Ground.

      For the duration.

  34. Schmegeg

    "Mr. Bracken is certainly well-qualified to “give us the skinny” on how the coming disintegration of America may “go down,”"

    Br Bracken is undoubtedly an expert on that motion.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe they'll take a page from the Indian Mutiny, where all the mutineers were called "Pandies" after the guy who supposedly kicked things off. Maybe "Trayvons?"

  35. Naked_Bunny

    Remember, though, it's Democrats and their support for programs like EBT who are the true racists.

  36. Terry

    I live in the kind of neighborhood that would make Bracken crap his pants. I grew up in one that would make him run for the Virginia border. Lots of minorities, both immigrants and native born. Lots of liberals, ranging from union members to hippies.

    In Bracken's wet dream, my neighbors (and friends) either turn into looters or whimpering masses of jelly. In reality, I'd feel a lot safer with the nice man who immigrated from west Africa who has the scars from where the bad people hit him with the machete when he was a kid and the card carrying member of the union who knows how to handle a pipe wrench than I would with anyone that Bracken considers a SAVior.

    I'm not kidding about the man with the machete scars. He's a sweetheart and happy to be an American.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      That's pretty awesome. We really are much better than the worst of us sometimes make me think we are.

      Humans, I mean.

    2. Limeylizzie

      That sounds like my hood, in South Harlem, fantastic people, immigrants from Senegal, Jamaica , Syria etc, all wonderful and so proud of Barry.

  37. rickmaci

    I blame all this on Abraham Lincoln. If he had put the leaders and generals of those Confeddi traitors up against a wall and shot them, like any right thinking defender against rebellion and anarchy, this shit all would have ended right then and there.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      At the very least they could have outlawed the statues in the town squares. I've traveled in Germany and I don't remember seeing any heroic statues of Heinrich Himmler along with the excuse that "it's honoring our traditions."

  38. BaldarTFlagass

    What if these Armed Vigilantes drive something other than Suburbans; say Yukons, Escalades, Expeditions, or Armadas? What shall we call them then?

  39. poorgradstudent

    I like to think of a bright future in the imperial harem of the Gay Caliphate in what used to be southern California.

  40. Nostrildamus

    He doesn’t LIKE writing this stuff, but he has to take a cold hard look at reality…

    I suspect he takes a lot more looks are hot & hard reality. Late at night. On the intertoobz.

  41. kittensdontlie

    "America is water long over the dam and gone from our sight…"

    Then why would a "prudent American….trim his sails accordingly" when all the damn water is gone??!! Oh boy….

  42. Estproph

    Today started with a video diatribe of why we all should claim to be Sovereign Citizens. Then there was that McNaughton spew in the form of a "painting". Now the freepcreeps are jizzing all over the internet at the thought of being the first kind on their block to bag their own neegra. Is today National Stupid Day? I feel like I've been dipped in pus.

  43. Designer_Rants

    I think this Bracken writes all the Walking Dead episodes – which are horrible, but I still watch them. Seriously, though, change out the zombies with the blahs, and you get an idea of how much regard Bracken holds for his fellow humans with different skin colors – he thinks they're subhuman, worthless, and dangerous.

  44. Cleopatriot

    This time we just let them go. They can have a hunk of the southeastern part of the country and lets see how long they last without the government's handouts to those states.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Maybe he meant George Lincoln Rockwell. Easy enough mistake.

      (No, I didn't expect to make that comment twice in one day, either)

      1. TribecaMike

        Had to be a a mistake. Norman Rockwell was born in New York City and died in Massachusetts, ergo a raving liberal.

  45. pdiddycornchips

    " Mr. Bracken believes that the coming Troubles will be ignited when “a cascading economic crisis, even a temporary one, leads to millions of EBT (electronic benefit transfer) cards flashing nothing but zeroes” and/or the supermarkets stop accepting the worthless funds that are not backed up by gold or something"

    And why would just the EBT's not work? The only way that makes any sense at all is if our currency is so devalued that merchants can't use it to buy from their suppliers. If that were to happen, it would be the bankers rioting as they see their billions in dollar denominated assets sink like the Titanic. Money, how does it work?

  46. IonaTrailer

    FYI – fun fact – I work for a large County government. We actually *want* to give people food stamps, because the states get money back from the Federal government for Food Stamps! But the Freepers obviously are unaware of this fact.

    So don't bother them with facts, they're in their own little bizarro world.

    1. mrpuma2u

      Yes facts like those and that most red states get more in federal money than they contribute. Realities like this are too much for these Rambo/Expendable wannabees.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      They too are sheeple. The smart ones have been stockpiling food and weapons, and reading Free Republic of course.

      Oh, and masturbating furiously.

  47. OneYieldRegular

    The Paranoid Style of American political literature is in serious need of a paranoid style manual.

    1. sullivanst

      A style manual? How're you going to sell one of those to these guys without them deciding that you're trying to imply mind control and brainwash on them by controlling grammar?

      1. Doktor Zoom

        If you want to take away my run-on sentences, you'll have to pry them from my ccold, dead, hands, also the zoo has an African Lion the president is a lyin' African don't tread on me!!!!!!

  48. Incitefully_Joe

    So what are all the white people doing when money collapses and food no longer exists? The ones that don't have Glenn Beck bunkers, I mean. It seems like looting would be the more reasonable responses.

    Oh wait, only blah people loot. White people "find supplies".

  49. Limeylizzie

    If this happens in Harlem I am joining with the MUYs because they will be much more attractive and have less body fat than the people from NJ, Prommie excepted.

  50. GeorgiaBurning

    Does this guy have a clue as to how these "SAV" units are going to stay gassed up and armed for more than a day or two? Pretty easy to disable a refinery, and stop the fuel trucks. When that happens you're hoarding the rounds to use on each other.

  51. TootsStansbury

    Shambling zombie Jeebus. I have relatives who read this site. Is it all like this? Sorry, I'm afraid to look for myself.

    1. sullivanst

      Pretty much, from what I recall of the very few times I've dared venture over there. Your fear is well justified.

  52. barto

    Who the hell is going to washing Ann's caddies through all this, not to mention Rafalca's (replacement)?

  53. ThundercatHo

    Uh, is "trim his sails accordingly" a euphemism of some kind? I didn't even bother to look it up the the Urban dictionary and couldn't find an online version of the Surburbanite dictionary.

  54. Tundra Grifter

    'WINGNUT THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS" – if the wingnutz had an original thought, it would, indeed, be an experiment.

  55. BaldarTFlagass

    Ya know what makes me wanna "lock and load"? When we go more than 90 minutes between posts on a weekday during working hours.

    1. LibertyLover

      How about we create a Reality show called Celebrity Survivor? They wouldn't have to go to the jungle, they wouldn't even have to work, they just have to live on $2 a day.

    1. TootsStansbury

      They're going ro lose their shit. Good thing they're old, scooter riding tards.

      To, you silly phone, TO! I sound like scoobydo with the "ro".

  56. grex1949

    I was gratified to learn that the sniper pickup will not exceed the speed limit as it leaves the murder scene the author described. SOMEONE, at least, has respect for law and order, even in the throes of CW2!

  57. clblabin

    I love how even in the midst of the Great Race War, they still imagine that suburbanites will make long commutes to work downtown.

    1. emmelemm

      Holy shit holy shit holy shit what is that?

      "I'll just make a nonsensical diagram. That will make people think I'm smart."

  58. tihond

    Fuck it, if the country goes full civil war, I'll sell out as much of the south to the Mexican Drug Cartels as they want.

  59. DahBoner

    Well, they're gonna have to use those plastic SPORKS from Chick-Fill-A, because Obama alteady confiscated all their guns after the first election…

  60. ElPinche

    I ashamed to say this ,but i love reading Freeper comments. Some of the commenters are so unbelievably, over-the-top racist. It's like watching Honey Boo Boo.

    Forget riots and civil war, the most horrifying thing you can do to a racist Freeper is to place him in the middle of the Democratic convention audience full of smart, happy liberal minorities during an Michelle Obama speech. He'd faint and drown in his own poop.

  61. TribecaMike

    I was looking forward to the good Doktor's latest essay being about Emma Bovary as transgressive masturbator, but you take what you can get.

    1. emmelemm

      I'd read that.

      Oooh, if only I had a lot of dough… wasn't Rebecca offering "post on any subject you want" if you donated big to the Paypal link?

  62. Steverino247

    Friends, just because they're armed doesn't mean they can hit anything. It takes a lot of training and ammo to get good at hitting targets, let alone humans trying to avoid being shot and who occasionally shoot back.

    This is why we invented artillery.

  63. TribecaMike

    Idiots. We all know the next civil war will be caused by Sandra Bernhard's rabid army of loyal followers.

  64. Jukesgrrl

    I don't care for this MUY shit. Many of us Wimminz and Oldz area also Urban and we are also mad as hell. He better start worrying about the OWs, too.

  65. C_R_Eature

    Oho, yes Dok – I knew you would post on this. Thanks.

    I don't have much to add to the Most Excellent commentary above except this:

    All those Freepers that are looking forward to the Second Civil War should really try one out for size first. Syria comes to mind – I understand that the Plucky Rebel Forces could really use a hand against the Despotic Government. Go join up. Perhaps then you'll get your fill of horror, devastation, cruelty and piles of dead civilians.

    Perhaps then they'd shut up and leave us alone.

  66. unclejeems

    Say, maybe John Husted could use some of those SAVs to keep keep the blahs and the MUYs and others of their persuasion (Democrats) away from the polls in November. I mean, a little practice never hurt. You just never know when they'll be needed for the Big One.

  67. Juicy_Stalin

    Of course "MUY" is in no way to be perceived as having any similarity to 'moolie'. Mr Bracken isn't even italian!

  68. Nesnora

    “Bunch together a group of people deliberately chosen for strong religious feelings, and you have a practical guarantee of dark morbidities expressed in crime, perversion, and insanity.” — H.P. Lovecraft

  69. notanncoulter

    he's just looking to make a crappy movie starring Chuck Norris.
    we'll call it "1000 Years of Darkness: Part One: The Dark One Is Re-Anointed"
    cuz y'know… it's franchise-worthy stufff.

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