Wingnut Thought Experiments

Freepers Excited About Prospects Of New Civil War, Yet Again

Astonishingly, NOT by Jon McNaughtonOur friends over at Free Republic do not have a lot of confidence that U.S. America can possibly last much longer, what with all the socialism and the welfare and the fiat money and the welfare and the food stamps, also Obama will take everyone’s guns. Also, welfare. So they are ever vigilant for the first glimmer of a chance to actually refresh the Tree of Liberty with the blood of tyrants, or at least to talk about what they’ll do for sure when SHTF, which they are totally ready for. Heck, their bloodthirsty desire for serious concern about a second Civil War is so deep that FR even uses a “CW2″ tag so readers can keep track of the many posts on the topic. The latest addition to the ouvre is “When The Music Stops — How America’s Cities May Explode In Violence,” by one Matt Bracken, which originally ran on the Western Rifle Shooters Assn. blog. Mr. Bracken is also the author of the “Enemies Foreign And Domestic” trilogy of novels, which is, surprisingly, self-published, and which absolutely does not simply scream “Turner Diaries fanfic.” (Link includes excerpts. Oh boy.)

So anyway, as a very credible author of paranoid military thrillers, Mr. Bracken is certainly well-qualified to “give us the skinny” on how the coming disintegration of America may “go down,” so that we can all be “locked and loaded” for it! Based on his extensive study of social trends, military tactics, and ideas pulled out of his ass, Mr. Bracken believes that the coming Troubles will be ignited when “a cascading economic crisis, even a temporary one, leads to millions of EBT (electronic benefit transfer) cards flashing nothing but zeroes” and/or the supermarkets stop accepting the worthless funds that are not backed up by gold or something. (The details of how the economy would collapse to this degree are not important, because he wants to move along to the rioting).

Then, once the minorities find that they can’t get food with their food stamps, they will go on a looting rampage, like they do. Again, never mind that not quite half of food stamp recipients are white, or that 41% of families using the program also have some employment income — those are minor distractions that get in the way of the fun tactical narrative about urban warfare that Mr. Bracken would like to focus on, thank you. Once The Blacks (Bracken prefers the military-thriller-sounding acronym “MUY” — “Minority Urban Youths”) have looted all the grocery and convenience stores and there’s no more food, then “A single truck loaded with food or gasoline would be perceived to be a Fort Knox on wheels and subject to immediate attack” — yes, you should now be thinking of Reginald Denny during the LA Riots! Also, Mr. Bracken would like you to know that he is Not Being Racist, Just Being A Realist Who Recognizes The Harsh Realities:

Some locales will divide upon religious or political lines, but they will not be the dominant factors contributing to conflict. In the American context, the divisions will primarily have an ethnic or racial context, largely because that makes it easy to sort out the sides at a safe distance. No need to check religious or political affiliation at a hundred yards when The Other is of a different color.

We Americans are all about doing things the easy way, so, sadly, visible racial and ethnic features will form the predominant lines of division.

See? He doesn’t LIKE writing this stuff, but he has to take a cold hard look at reality, even though he shakes his head sadly at that reality. So THEN, the MUYs will “move their activities to the borders of their ethnic enclaves” and attack “major intersections and highway interchanges where non-MUY suburban commuters must make daily passage to and from what forms of employment still exist.” (Again, no black people have jerbs, DUH). You just know that the following paragraph was written with a raging stiffy:

Some of those trapped in their cars will try to drive out of the area, inevitably knocking down MUY pedestrians and being trapped by even more outraged MUYs. The commuters will be dragged out of their cars and kicked or beaten to death. Other suburban commuters will try to shoot their way out of the lines of stopped cars, and they will meet the same grim fate once they run out of bullets and room to escape.

Who will save these poor white commuters? Another acronym will save them, or at least take revenge: the Suburban Armed Vigilantes, or SAVs! Heroic teams of combat veterans who “have acquired graduate-level educations in various aspects of urban warfare,” will take up arms against the MUY mobs! (Mr. Bracken appears to think that America’s combat veterans are all white, somehow.) And they will be better-armed, because while the mobs will have a motley mix of knives, pistols, and AK-47s, the combat vets will have AR-15-based semiautomatic rifles with optical scopes. And hunting rifles! They will deal death from a distance! A few paragraphs of gun porn later, Bracken treats us to a “Sniper Ambush Scenario” in which radio-equipped sniper teams drive their pickups to an area overlooking a likely Urban Chokepoint and shoot them some MUYs!

The result is a turkey shoot. One magazine of thirty aimed shots per rifle is expended in under a minute, a coded cease-fire is called on the walkie-talkies, and the trucks drive away at the speed limit. The canvas covering the truck beds contains the shooters’ spent brass. If the trucks are attacked from medium or close range, the canvas can be thrown back and the two snipers with their semi-automatic rifles or carbines will add their firepower to that of the driver and spotter.

Back at the intersection, complete panic breaks out among the rioters as a great number of bullets have landed in human flesh. Over a score have been killed outright, and many more scream in pain for medical attention they will not receive in time. The sniper ambush stops the flash mob cold in its tracks as the uninjured flee in terror, leaving their erstwhile comrades back on the ground bleeding. The commuters trapped in their vehicles may have an opportunity to escape.

Hah! Panicky nig MUYs won’t even help their screaming bleeding friends in the face of superior firepower!!!1! Bracken goes on: there will be a corrupt government crackdown on the SAViors, a big ol’ civil war that lasts for years, and then eventually an uneasy truce as everyone retreats to ethnic enclaves separated by high concrete “Peace Walls,” just like Northern Ireland! (Why is this man not already in charge of our urban planning?) Oh, or maybe we’ll fall into a centuries-long “New Dark Ages;” that could happen too. Bracken ends his jeremiad with appropriate solemnity:

Most of us wish we could turn back the calendar to Norman Rockwell’s America. But we cannot, for that America is water long over the dam and gone from our sight, if not from our memories. John Adams said, “Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.” If that is true, judging by current and even accelerating cultural shifts, we might already have passed the point of no return.

The prudent American will trim his sails accordingly.

Again, he is not advocating anything. Just urging “us” (non-MUYs of course) to be ready, is all. Apparently, the simple expedient of adequately funding nutritional assistance programs is NOT a reasonable option.

We would simply add one bit of advice: Gun oil should never be used as a lubricant for masturbation.

[Free Republic]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    Paging General Sherman! Paging General Sherman!

    • BlueStateLibel

      Damn, you beat me.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Gosh, Mr. Peabody, thanks for the promotion!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Necesita MUY mas alarma de vaca.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Dok, do you have the Cliff Notes for this?

    • sullivanst

      "Freeper wants to shoot himself some blahs"

      • Doktor Zoom

        Well, OK, there IS that…

    • Doktor Zoom

      "A thorough appreciation of literature allows no short cuts."

      –from the Cliffs Notes disclaimer.

      And the works of Matt Bracken are Littachur, dammit! I was just sad that I couldn't make everyone on Wonkette follow the sage advice in this Freeper post about the original:

      READ EVERY WORD OF THIS AT LEAST TWICE. Matt Bracken has written a piece over at Western Rifle Shooters that matches exactly how I have envisaged the coming collapse and civil war.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        This Bracken sounds like our building security guard, Robert.

      • sullivanst

        Oh FFS. Survival-fantasist GOOMH-bait?

      • Arborista

        Dok, when will you admit that Matt Bracken is your nom de plume, & you're playing both ends against the middle?

        • Doktor Zoom

          My porn would have fewer guns, more puns.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            And tits, yes?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Matt Bracken has written a piece over at Western Rifle Shooters that matches exactly how I have envisaged the coming collapse and civil war.

        So it's contagious? I recommend immediately quarantine

    • HogeyeGrex

      Cliff read two paragraphs and ran screaming from the room.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Allow me…

      *ahem*

      Pew! Pewpew! Pew!

      • Doktor Zoom

        OK, but only if voiced by Carl Kasell.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          A classic bit.

  • nounverb911

    Bracken does realize that whites will be in the minority real soon?

    • BerkeleyBear

      And pretty much the day after that gets mentioned on Fox News you'll see a rash of "sovereign citizen compounds" go into armed standoff mode and have to get mowed down Ruby Ridge/Waco style.

    • Pragmatist2

      Not if they strike first.

    • Slim_Pickins

      Not in Norman Rockwell's America!

    • Boojum

      He obviously meant "Enemies: Foreigns and Domestics."

  • mavenmaven

    Sounds just like the current Republican platform and solves medicare as well!

  • OzoneTom

    But those are Canadians in the picture!

  • timbo71351

    Fuck those crazy old white Christian gun nut assholes. I'm all down for a civil war if it thins out their ranks — and I'm a 41-year-old honky.

    • succalina

      That's the only reason I own a gun. If those bat-shit crazy ass white bastards are coming for me, I'll be damn sure I take one with me.

      And like timbo71351, I'm a honky, too.

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Yes I'm getting a bit sick of the pornographic fixation these fascists have on armed violence myself. The fact that this asshole writes this detailed fantasy and then pretends to be solemn about it is so racist and fascist it's almost beyond reason. To wit: The 'race war' which will look like some sort of national version of the LA '92 riots is going to be black people attacking white people because their EBT cards won't work? This idiot is so lazy he doesn't even update his racial slurs, if anything it won't be a 'race war' should that happen, it will be a class war because white welfare recipients vastly outnumber black recipients. This is the same old tired "blah" bullshit which explains in a nutshell why black people do not like fucking wingnuts. I am white myself and this kind of lazy racist Turner Diaries fantasy bullshit pisses me off as much as I'm sure it pisses off any black person who reads it. Fucking freeper skinheads…

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      I also love how it's all "Obama's fault" because of his 'class warfare' rhetoric. It isn't as a result of conservatives fomenting this shit completely and utterly without merit (based upon racial antipathy and because their exposure to black folks comes from Faux Nuuz and every other right wing outlet portraying black Americans in the most negative way possible)…nope it's because Obama is "king black guy" and is mobilizing all other black people to take their shit because they are all on welfare, can't have jobs and resent the "success" of these pasty fuckfaces. God I wish there was some kind of law we could use with some of these people….

  • Hera Sent Me

    Misanthropic religious nuts yearn for the Apocalypse. Misanthropic traitors yearn for a civil war.

    Eventually, we may have to fulfill one of their collective BDSM fantasies and lock them up.

    • redarmyzombie

      I myself am placing my hope on the Zombie Apocalypse coming first.

  • LastGasp

    Obama will take everyone’s guns.
    There are very few guns left to take — the wingnut conspiracy theorists had to pawn 'em when they lost their jobs. However, this fact doesn't rule out the possibility of a pitchfork-wielding mob.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I plan to take that class this Fall. I want to be prepared. I haven't checked to see if I need to bring a pitchfork, or if one will be supplied.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

      I think that's why the want a war; what else are they gonna do with all those unused guns and ammo?

  • no_gravity

    50 Shades of CW2 Grey fanfic.

  • mrpuma2u

    Needz moar,,,, uh needs less hate? These people are stone cold insane, and heavily armed. Yowzers.

    • redarmyzombie

      Well, the good news is most of them are cowards to boot, soooo…

  • SorosBot

    Considering how many of those suburban commuters drive, a total menace to pedestrians who completely ignore the right of way but think they can just threaten to run us over with their big-ass SUVs, I've been tempted to drag them out of their cars and give them what they were asking for.

    • IonaTrailer

      Especially the tiny women on their cell phones.

    • redarmyzombie

      Oh, I have been hit by those things so many times, it's not even funny…

    • TootsStansbury

      I always tell Mr. Stansbury I am going to start carrying a golf club.

  • prommie

    Walter Sobchek Lives!

    • FakaktaSouth

      Calmer than you are.

      • prommie

        This aggression shall not stand!

        • BaldarTFlagass

          oh for shit's sake.

          • prommie

            Shut the fuck up, Donny.

          • schvitzatura

            I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Teatardism, Dude, at least it's an ethos…

    • BaldarTFlagass

      This aggression by these MUYs will not stand!

    • Steverino247

      You're entering into a World of Pain-in-the-ass.

      and

      "This is what happens when fuck a meme in the ass!"

  • ChernobylSoup

    How about we just extend unemployment benefits?

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Somehow I immediately imagined Bob Newhart raising his hand and suggesting this.

      • Doktor Zoom

        "Um….excuse me…"

        • Generation[redacted]

          (on the phone) "What's that? You say you already bought the guns. I see…"

    • Lascauxcaveman

      What fun would that be? We'd miss out on all that groovy paramilitary action.

      You know he wants it, but bad.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      That would work for me, since AZ cut me off before I was supposed to have used up all my benefits. I thought it was "insurance" that I and my employer had paid for but … silly me.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    And Snake Plissken will emerge to lead a wounded nation to redemption.

    • mrpuma2u

      I thought he was dead.

      • Doktor Zoom

        He gets that a lot.

  • Baconzgood

    I didn't know you could major in Aspects of Urban Warfare. Is it heavy in math?

    • LastGasp

      Oh of course not, and it has almost no requirement for reasoning skills.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Critical Thinking does not appear in the syllabus.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        No, it only requires an ability to see the difference between white and not white.

    • schvitzatura

      Can they remember 3:1 to dislodge a defender and 10:1 to take on an entrenched/fortified one?

      • Gleem McShineys

        ZERG DERP RUSH

  • taylormattd

    If you play Michelle Obama's speech backward, it says GET WHITEY GET WHITEY GET WHITEY! over and over.

    FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP.

    • tihond

      To be fair, she thinks only Whitey Herzog can lead the White Sox to another World Series victory.

  • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

    "Minority Urban Youth" is SO an excellent boy band name.

    • keinsignal

      Eh, I'm thinking more early 90's rap/hardcore crossover band.

    • DCBloom

      90's ska / rudeboy

      • Boojum

        10's ass/rentboy

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "so, sadly, visible racial and ethnic features will form the predominant lines of division."

    You mean the ones you just drew in your article, dude?

    • prommie

      I prefer to draw the line between working people, and useless parasites who live off inherited wealth, myself.

      • Generation[redacted]

        It's easy to spot who is driving a yacht from a distance.

      • redarmyzombie

        I, for one, am looking forward to becoming a Morlock myself.

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    The sniper ambush stops the flash mob cold in its tracks as the uninjured flee in terror, leaving their erstwhile comrades back on the ground bleeding. The commuters trapped in their vehicles may have an opportunity to escape.

    Needz moar wingnut Apocalyptic/treason porn!!

    These people have reduced themselves to mindless cartoon characters in an endless "Call of Duty" X box game..

  • SigDeFlyinMonky

    MUY, MUY encantado! Let's just go with the Bluesteeldemocrats bumper sticker: Democrats don't want your guns, we've got our own.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    20 million hobocoin says he's wrong.

  • Antispandex

    Back in the olden days, when I was serving my country, I was under the strong impression that advocating the violent overthrow of the government was at least frowned upon. This does make me a little nervous when I think about only rednecked crackers owning guns though. That's maybe not good for the future of a two party system in this country…or even the survival of any liberals at all. But, hey, this is America in the 21st century! I'm sure we'll be just fine.

    • Crank_Tango

      Exactly. I really doubt it will come to a civil war, but it makes me cringe when we libtards go on and on about disarming ourselves. It's like lambs to the slaughter or something. Then again, I can talk frog, so when the shit hits the fan its adieu, mangeurs de merde !

    • prommie

      Hey, keep quiet, go along, get along! It worked for Germany's jews.

    • tihond

      The easiest way to get the right to endorse gun control? Arm the left.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I really want to get an NRA sticker and put it opposite by Obama/Biden sticker.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          Brilliant! It might help me from having my car keyed in Arizona.

      • bibliotequetress

        Tihond, I may need to tweet this later. Will credit you, my friend.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I don't even want to think about what the comments on this look like over there.

    • sullivanst

      Freeper comments?

      Yeah, don't go there. You can't imagine enough brain bleach to feel clean after going there.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      They're too busy masturbating their tiny manhoods.

    • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

      Right? Every once in a while, I click on those little icons on my Intense Debate profile that shows who's "visited" me, and interestingly, it's always wingnuts. I like to pretend they're hatefapping to my profile.

    • pdiddycornchips

      I took a look. I'll paraphrase and correct for tone and intent as they speak to one another in wingnut coded terminology.

      1). Most think this could be real and they are preparing for it even though the possibility is remote (*THEY PRAY TO THEIR WHITEY GOD EVERY NIGHT FOR THIS TO HAPPEN)

      2). They are sure it will not happen in their towns but in far off places like Chicago, NY and Los Angeles(* ONCE THE RIOTING STARTS IN EARNEST, THEY WILL ELIMINATE ANYONE IN THEIR IMMEDIATE VICINITY THAT COULD POSE A THREAT, ie BLACKS AND MEXICANS)

      3). They are concerned about what kinds of weapons they should have and when they should get their Glenn Beck approved Gold out of the safe deposit box (*THEY ALL PRETEND TO HAVE MILLIONS IN GOLD BULLION. EVERYONE KNOWS THIS IS A LIE AND THEY ARE SECRETLY GETTING FOOD STAMPS)

      4). None of this would have to happen if Obama would stop it with the being Black and Liberal shit. (* THEY ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO BEING THEIR OPENLY RACIST SELVES. THEY ARE THISCLOSE TO RELEASING ALL THAT PENT UP RACE HATRED AND CAN'T WAIT TO GET STARTED)

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    that makes it easy to sort out the sides at a safe distance.

    How about we divide up by gender and do shirts vs. skins.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Wow … all this fuss from these people just because we have a Black president.

    In 2016, when the Dems get a Chinese-American transexual FTM that's married to a lovely Hispanic chick in the White House, their heads really will explode.

    • tihond

      When did Michelle Malkin switch parties?

    • pdiddycornchips

      RuPaul/J Lo 2016!!!!

      • HistoriCat

        I wonder how many Paulites would assume Ru Paul was related to Ron.

        • pdiddycornchips

          Wait, they aren't? Then why does Rand call Ru mommy?

  • LesBontemps

    This guy needs to be hunted down by the Obama Youth Brigade and taken to the nearest FEMA re-education camp, where he will be gay married to a Muslim Socialist.

  • AbandonHope_

    I can't. I tried to snark, but I just can't.

    These people are pure evil. I mean, full-on, balls-to-the-wall, Nazi evil.

    • SoBeach

      Nah. Boneheads, mostly. They're only badass survivors who get the hot chicks in their fantasy world. In the real world they're just kind of creepy.

      • Generation[redacted]

        Those Boneheads may not have the mental capacity to build a dictatorship, but you can bet your bottom dollar they'd go along with anyone who does.

        • SoBeach

          Yeah, as long as they're told it's a dictatorship of freedom. Sigh.

    • ttommyunger

      Frightened, mostly frightened, and hateful.

    • schvitzatura

      Bleibe, reste, stay…
      Willkommen! Bienvenue! Welcome!
      Im Wonkette-ret!

  • emmelemm

    that makes it easy to sort out the sides at a safe distance

    What is this I don't even….

    Mind swirling…

    Yes, let's just decide that everyone with the opposite color skin is our enemy. Because we can see them at a distance. It makes it "easy".

  • Pragmatist2

    The rallying cry of "Unfree the Slaves" will echo throughout the land!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I really don't need to be subjected to this guy's survivalist masturbation marathon. How many times do you think he came in his cargo pants while writing this shit?

    Ugh, there goes my lunch.

    • emmelemm

      Right? This is the dictionary definition of "masturbatory".

    • SmutBoffin

      "I kept scraping, and reminiscing. The first few months after finding Cori in Venezuela she had been insatiable, a passionate tigress. There had been a magnetic skin hunger between us, a shared sexual attraction that found us entangled at least twice a day, often on deserted beaches or atop sand dunes overlooking the ocean. A night didn't pass that we didn't make love in the double bed of my captain's cabin, which occupied the entire stern of Rebel Yell. Between those times we were rarely more than a few feet apart, and we were usually touching. Her hot Latina temper had never mattered to me, not when we thought we were madly in love. "

      LOL The protagonist has a hot Venezuelan GF and a boat called Rebel Yell and a employee named 'Tran Hung '.

      • HempDogbane

        I have magnetic skin hunger at least twice a day. Sometimes three times.

        • Doktor Zoom

          Motherfuckin' magnetic skin hunger–how does it work?

      • pdiddycornchips

        What? All that blah shootin'' and he's got time and energy for boffing a latino whore? Really? Back in the real world, he can't find a woman willing to sit next to him on the bus let alone touch skin with him. If he were ever face to face with an band of urban youths, he would wet himself before offering to service them orally.

  • edgydrifter

    RED, no… BLACK DAWN! WOLVERINES!!

    • GhostBuggy

      BLAH DAWN!

    • Limeylizzie

      Proud to report that MrLL was the production designer on the original Red Dawn.

      • emmelemm

        That's awesome.

        • Limeylizzie

          Also “Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS”, “Hudson Hawk” and “Die Hard 1 and 3″ among others.

          • BerkeleyBear

            Jeepers, that's quite an interesting CV. So how often was he forced to applaud Bruce Willis' harmonica playing?

          • Limeylizzie

            He liked him when he was on Die Hard but by the time he did Hudson Hawk he had become a movie star.

          • sullivanst

            So now we know why Die Hard 2 sucked so hard.

      • schvitzatura

        Whatcha think of Milius, do tell?

        Bowfinger, The 40 Year Old Virgin, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall?

        DAYYUM!

        • Limeylizzie

          He said that shoot was insane, it was before I knew him, but they were in the New Mexico desert I believe.Jack is the man! I am proud of him, he is a design genius.He did a fantastic job on a TV pilot last year, “Powers”, based on a graphic novel, but it doesn't look as if it will get picked up.

  • anniegetyerfun

    I take it that the police Obama-led U.N. troops will have nothing to say about this, and just stay home?

    • Doktor Zoom

      From the Freeper comments: "Blue helmets make easy targets"

      • sullivanst

        Less obvious than red coats, but freeper would seem to have a point.

      • IonaTrailer

        Not the Smurfs!!!!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Just. Bring. It.

    That's all I have to say to a bunch of cowardly little asshats who I can crush without stopping my fapping.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This screenplay would be a lot more entertaining with some zombies and cannibalisms.

  • mull_man

    MUY Bueno!!!

    • HempDogbane

      BUENO ! Bustin' Up Everything North of Our house.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Your move, Turner Diaries writing guy.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    MUY loco y tiene una cabeza de vaca.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    And when the UN Armies parachute into every corner of America and start turning our golf courses into solar panel farms – the real bloodbath begins!!!!!!!!!!!

    All of this because this Obama is so – "one world" – he just doesn't understand the "shining city on the hill" like we do.

  • Baconzgood

    MUY? That's it. I quit. Can you please pull the country over. I'll walk the rest of the way to Sanity from here.

  • LibertyLover

    But aren't "Second Amendment Remedies" so…. um… 2010?

  • jodyleek

    Okay, I'll do it…

    Know who else fantasized about a race-based civil war?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Loki? Bele?

    • SorosBot

      Jefferson Davis?

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      Nat Turner?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      That guy that misinterpreted the lyrics of that Helter Skelter song? Marilyn Manson, was it?

      • LibertyLover

        I loved her in "The Misfits." ;-)

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Niall Ferguson?

    • Blueb4sinrise

      MUY X?

    • SorosBot

      Magneto?

    • anniegetyerfun

      The Romulans?

    • tihond

      Ken Layne?

    • redarmyzombie

      George Wallace?

    • mrpuma2u

      David Dookie?

    • Swampgas_Man

      Smilin' Chuckie Manson?

  • cromiller

    No snark, but if you want a great perspective on what CWII would look like, read the comic books series DMZ. Fascinating stuff!

    • Doktor Zoom

      Excellent comics!

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Geeze, this makes Charles Manson's apocalyptic race-war fantasies seem both reasonable and not so creepily richly detailed.

    • IncenseDebate

      Plus Charlie had better music for his fantasies.

  • Exhausted66

    Who needs a truckload of snipers when you have Chuck Norris?

    • sullivanst

      People who have Chuck Norris?

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      1000 years of darkness that even chuck norris can't stop.

      • emmelemm

        It takes a nation of millions to hold us back!

        • sullivanst

          Yeeeeeeeaaaaahhh, boyyyyyy!

  • anniegetyerfun

    Israel built a really neato Peace Wall, too! And it worked really well and everyone lived Happily Ever After.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    blow muy.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    Do we really need another Civil War? I mean, why can't they just all move to the South and peacefully secede?

    • SorosBot

      I don't need your civil war
      It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
      Your power hungry sellin' soldiers
      In a human grocery store
      Ain't that fresh
      I don't need your civil war
      Ow, oh no, no, no, no, no

      • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

        Thanks, Axl RoSoros.

    • omrala

      Please now, let's not turn Austin into West Berlin…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I would hazard a guess that the Freepers find this very easy to masturbate to.

    • Gleem McShineys

      Though sometimes it takes a while.

      Understandably there is a high probability of mistaking one's weenis for a perspiration softened cheetoh that found under one's gutflap.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I anxiously await the McNaughton painting of all of this.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      I wonder if there'll be symbolism?

      • sullivanst

        Inasmuch as the letters comprising the rollover text are symbols, yes.

    • notanncoulter

      thanks – now i have to jab pencils into my eyes as a precaution.
      really, thanks.

  • Baconzgood

    How come these people that live in the suburbs think no white people live in the city? I hate to inform them but I have black, white, vietnamese, gay, and even morman neighbors living ON THE SAME BLOCK (DUN-DUN-DUNH)!!

    • MissTaken

      Mor man indeed. Rawr!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Better.

      How is it that urban tactics are hard to teach a trained fucking army, much less a bunch of drunk yahoos in pickups? Have they actually LOOKED at Tikrit or Baghdad or Kabul, and how easy it is for people to hole up and not only defend their towns, but repel invasions unless there is overwhelming force?

      You know, the kind an actual fucking army can bring, not a "militia"?

      • sullivanst

        You mean the pasty keyboard warriors jerking off down the barrels of their saturday night specials don't have access to AH-64 gunships and M1 tanks?

        • WhatTheHeck

          Only the U.N. troops have those, ready to swoop down on a moment’s notice.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Ah, but you see, your negro is an unthinking brute unable to adapt to modern tactics. Just like the simple tribesmen of Iraq and Afghanistan.

    • AbandonHope_

      Which, in their minds, is an Unclean Practice, and must be Purged.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      My guess is that this guy lives in a single-wide on 2 acres out in the sticks; old style 12-foot satellite dish out back and a 1976 C-1500 Scottsdale pickup truck on cinder blocks out front. Or in his mom's basement.

      • grex1949

        Naw, Mom kicked his ass out when he accidentally shot a hole in the ceiling of that 50's model mobile home a few weeks back while cleaning his gun.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Well, as long as you don't talk to them or acknowledge their existence in any way, you're ok.

    • SorosBot

      Silly, white people live in the suburbs and only go to the city to work or be tourists!

      (As an urban white guy myself, I guess I must be a race traitor?)

      • Doktor Zoom

        I will be forming the 1st Northwest Race Traitor brigade, if you're interested in joining up.

        • SorosBot

          Well the Northwest is a little far from both my current abode and my soon-to-be one, but yes I will be happy to join the Race Traitor Brigades.

          • Baconzgood

            I got your backs in the Rust Belt.

        • Generation[redacted]

          All-volunteer miscegenation squad, reporting for duty!

      • anniegetyerfun

        Since I just moved to the sticks, I am 94% certain that most of my neighbors are Freepers. I've been avoiding all white people in the area, in hopes of never finding out just how evil all of them are.

      • shelwood46

        It's truly amazing how dedicated those white people are to their jobs in the city, that they will insist on commuting in daily during a race war, to face deadly riot mobs to get to work, every single day, even if they have to run (those) people over or shoot them. Is the coffee that much better in their offices?

        Attention white people: when Civil War 2 starts, take the week off.

    • CrunchyKnee

      Yeah, I guess all my Rasta, white hipster, and just plain cranky old man Latino neighbors and I will have to stop smoking weed together on warm summer evenings.

      • Baconzgood

        I know. I'm going to have to stop going over to Vo's place with Daryll for his huge Tet blow out every winter.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      My suburban neighborhood looks like the Democratic convention, no help for him there.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    i'll pick cartman's side.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Dude's got the entire Tom Clancy collection on milk crate-shelves, an MRE from the surplus store on a TV tray, and Billy Joel's Goodnight Saigon on repeat.

    • AbandonHope_

      Isn't Goodnight Saigon about how all the Americans were woefully unprepared to engage the Viet-Cong (who were in their comfort zone, conducting guerrilla warfare in their own homes), and were thus slaughtered more or less as soon as they hit the ground?

      I'm trying to draw a parallel here, but I just can't quite figure out what that might be…

      • sullivanst

        The wingnuts often mistake cautionary tales for guidebooks…

      • Doktor Zoom

        Yes, but Born In The USA was not a saber-rattling song, and that made no difference.

        • BerkeleyBear

          And the right wing still thinks "Ain't that America" is somehow uplifting.

  • Blunderthing

    Fucking armchair rebels. Let 'em go. Put 'em in a territory of their own, they'll start shooting at each other soon enough.

  • Arborista

    "Who will save these poor white commuters?"

    Don't you mean 'commenters'?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Bracken treats us to a “Sniper Ambush Scenario” in which radio-equipped sniper teams drive their pickups to an area overlooking a likely Urban Chokepoint and shoot them some MUYs!

    Yes, because the pendejos who live there have no idea that it's a chokepoint, or how to avoid it, because, you know, they've only lived there all their lives while you and your "boys" show up with Hummers and guns.

    Meanwhile, as you carefully set your trap, the MUYs are taking off with your rides home. And no, Mommy can't bail you out of this one.

  • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

    Holy crap, the excerpts on his website are HILARIOUS in their sheer awfulness.

  • WhatTheHeck

    When liberty comes to the southern white man, it will be wrapped in the confederate flag and holding a bible in one hand and a rifle in the other.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    Release the Bracken!

  • Slim_Pickins

    So many people off their meds at the same time.

    • LibertyLover

      In an earlier Norman Rockwell world, no one had these kinds of meds.
      (Or, for that matter, assault weapons with clips that hold a huge number of rounds.)

      • GhostBuggy

        Or, for that matter, basic civil rights.

  • AbandonHope_

    Wait, I can snark now… if there were a big economic crisis, the first thing that would happen is major gasoline hoarding, so I do hope these Nazis have their pickups all filled up before they act out their terrorist attacks.

    Which is what these would be. Terrorist attacks.

  • SmutBoffin

    The very definition of Internet Tough Guy.

  • MissTaken

    Gun oil should never be used as a lubricant for masturbation.

    You just had to wait to the last sentence for that advice? Thanks Doc.

    • Jimmyone

      I wished he had mentioned gun "bluing" as well. It is really not good for that kind of barrel.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Is that where "screwed, blued, and tattooed" comes from?

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Cute line about "spent brass", he probably lit a cigarette after writing it.

  • AbandonHope_

    Incidentally, it is posts like these that resulted in my current nickname. Every once in a while I think about changing it, and then another one of these happens, and it remains apropos.

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    Cool, can I start a "Mad Max" style biker gang and wear spraypainted football shoulderpads?

    • Baconzgood

      I'm going to dress like someone from GWAR.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans
  • veence69

    Bring it on, Cletus.

  • Antispandex

    "Gun oil should never be used as a lubricant for masturbation."

    Is there an official Wonkette recommendation?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Shhhh. They will add an ad popup.

    • Crank_Tango

      I prefer a tight grip anyway. I use my gun oil for buttsex. But then again, I use crisco to lube my gun anyway.

  • Terry

    These guys fantasize over very disturbing things.

  • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

    I just think it's so funny that these idiots hate Obama so much, but only have stupid ol' Mitt standing in his way.
    What a bunch of losers!
    They sure can talk the talk, though. (Don't worry, they'll never walk the walk.)

    • GhostBuggy

      That's the best part about this whole election cycle. Obummer is the worst president in history, an evil Socialist usurper, etc. and so on, but the best they can bring is pandering, wishy-washy, actually-used-to-be-fairly-moderate Mitt fuckin' Romney.

      Is Obama Satan or not? Because if he is, where's your Great White Protestant/Baptist Hope?

  • Baconzgood

    Someone needs refill their prescription for Clozapine.

  • bikerlaureate

    No need to check religious or political affiliation at a hundred yards when The Other is of a different color.

    'cause every Puerto-riccan's
    a lousy chicken.

    • Crank_Tango

      I think my favorite myth these assholes have is that libtards are all brown (and on welfare). I am so white and nordic looking, they will never see me coming.

  • sbj1964

    Where is Snake Blissken when you need him?

    • Doktor Zoom

      I thought he was dead.

      • emmelemm

        He gets that a lot!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Okay, I clicked on the linky and before even reading the comments I just have to ask …
    Why does this website look like it was created in 1998?

    • SorosBot

      Is there blinking text? Please let there be blinking text.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I used to have to make art in ASCII text. Thank god for advancing technology.

    • sullivanst

      Because noone with the slightest artistic ability would ever dream of contributing their talents to Free Republic?

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Does it have a Visitor Counter?

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        Right below the gif of the dancing Klansman.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          Much scarier than that cartoon he used to have of Yosemite Sam and his blazing pistols.

  • CrunchyKnee

    SAVs in SUVs is my next rock opera.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I don't think this guy knows what a flash mob is.

    • Tundra Grifter

      It sounds urban enough to him. The right wing nutz are scared to death of the Blah flash mobs.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Isn't it a group of pervs in raincoats exposing themselves?

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        And calling it art.

    • shelwood46

      It's good to know that the coming race war will not disrupt cell service.

    • OneYieldRegular

      I kind of liked the use of "erstwhile" as an adjective to describe left behind comrades who'd been shot. It's hard to generate novel uses of words like that even when using a thesaurus.

  • Ruhe

    " In the American context, the divisions will primarily have an ethnic or racial context, largely because that makes it easy to sort out the sides at a safe distance. No need to check religious or political affiliation at a hundred yards when The Other is of a different color."

    Okay, so this whole thing truly is a shameless piece of porn but that line…that's sort of weirdly insightful isn't it. Or maybe it's revealing. Obviously the claim is that the MUY gangs will sort themselves out on the basis of color but the implication is that once they've done that, once they've played the race card, then the SAVs will have no choice but to band together along similar lines. How convenient. They don't have to be racists…they can have it thrust upon them.

    • Doktor Zoom

      It is ever thus. What choice does a man have but to be a racist, once multiculturalism is forced upon him?

  • LibertyLover

    So. They are going to be shooting from the shining city on the hill? Presumably from gated communities. I thought they wanted everyone to have access to these sorts of weapons… won't some of the nig MUY's shoot back? Or will they just ban the sale of the assault weapons based on *cough* background checks?

    • gullywompr

      I know, right? That's always the fatal flaw in these cracker fantasies – assuming they are the ones with greater firepower.

    • Doktor Zoom

      It will be temporarily renamed The Blackout-Curtain-Draped Strategic Community on the High Ground.

      For the duration.

  • Schmegeg

    "Mr. Bracken is certainly well-qualified to “give us the skinny” on how the coming disintegration of America may “go down,”"

    Br Bracken is undoubtedly an expert on that motion.

  • SorosBot

    You know, the last Civil War didn't exactly go so well for the backwards racist troglodytes.

    • Slim_Pickins

      You might say that they were outwitted.

  • ShreditorsDesk

    I heered they stolt all mah doh'reetoes !

  • a_pink_poodle

    Hooray Race War!

    Honestly, what's with the acronyms? Just call a black kid a black kid!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe they'll take a page from the Indian Mutiny, where all the mutineers were called "Pandies" after the guy who supposedly kicked things off. Maybe "Trayvons?"

  • gullywompr

    I went to high school with that guy in the 70's! I guess he's still in 11th grade.

    • Doktor Zoom

      I'm pretty sure I worked with him at a call center in 2001.

  • Naked_Bunny

    Remember, though, it's Democrats and their support for programs like EBT who are the true racists.

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    CIVIL WAR= wingnut masturbation porn

  • Terry

    I live in the kind of neighborhood that would make Bracken crap his pants. I grew up in one that would make him run for the Virginia border. Lots of minorities, both immigrants and native born. Lots of liberals, ranging from union members to hippies.

    In Bracken's wet dream, my neighbors (and friends) either turn into looters or whimpering masses of jelly. In reality, I'd feel a lot safer with the nice man who immigrated from west Africa who has the scars from where the bad people hit him with the machete when he was a kid and the card carrying member of the union who knows how to handle a pipe wrench than I would with anyone that Bracken considers a SAVior.

    I'm not kidding about the man with the machete scars. He's a sweetheart and happy to be an American.

    • Doktor Zoom

      That's pretty awesome. We really are much better than the worst of us sometimes make me think we are.

      Humans, I mean.

    • Limeylizzie

      That sounds like my hood, in South Harlem, fantastic people, immigrants from Senegal, Jamaica , Syria etc, all wonderful and so proud of Barry.

  • rickmaci

    I blame all this on Abraham Lincoln. If he had put the leaders and generals of those Confeddi traitors up against a wall and shot them, like any right thinking defender against rebellion and anarchy, this shit all would have ended right then and there.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      At the very least they could have outlawed the statues in the town squares. I've traveled in Germany and I don't remember seeing any heroic statues of Heinrich Himmler along with the excuse that "it's honoring our traditions."

    • glamourdammerung

      I disagree strongly with your stance about shooting the traitors.

      You hang criminals.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    What if these Armed Vigilantes drive something other than Suburbans; say Yukons, Escalades, Expeditions, or Armadas? What shall we call them then?

    • grex1949

      Priapists?

    • grex1949

      Tundra Terrorists?

    • grex1949

      smartSnipers?

    • bobbert

      Assholes.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Don't you fret none. Doctor Who will save us, again.

    • tihond

      BUT *SPOILER* No one can remember him.

  • poorgradstudent

    I like to think of a bright future in the imperial harem of the Gay Caliphate in what used to be southern California.

  • Nostrildamus

    He doesn’t LIKE writing this stuff, but he has to take a cold hard look at reality…

    I suspect he takes a lot more looks are hot & hard reality. Late at night. On the intertoobz.

  • Barrelhse

    I can't wait for these bozos to attack Fort Sumter.

    • Generation[redacted]

      I only hope the tour guides get out in time.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    And people thought I was crazy when I built my own stealth bomber out of cardboard and chicken wire! Well the joke will be on them. Death from Above you MUYs!

  • pdiddycornchips

    This is very bad news for Wayne Brady.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Wayne Brady may have to choke a bitch.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    This guy's mom should take away his DVDs of Road Warrior and Escape from L.A.

  • kittensdontlie

    "America is water long over the dam and gone from our sight…"

    Then why would a "prudent American….trim his sails accordingly" when all the damn water is gone??!! Oh boy….

    • Doktor Zoom

      Only an eleetist would point out a mixed metaphor!

      • kittensdontlie

        Guilty, but my sailboat is as old as Vlad, and has not aged as gracefully.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Couldn't we just hang burn down the NYSE? It would save a lot of time, money and clips.

    • tigernole

      during trading hours?

  • ChrisM2011

    I'm thinking the correct term will probably be Suburban Armed Rapists/Robbers, or SARs!

  • Estproph

    Today started with a video diatribe of why we all should claim to be Sovereign Citizens. Then there was that McNaughton spew in the form of a "painting". Now the freepcreeps are jizzing all over the internet at the thought of being the first kind on their block to bag their own neegra. Is today National Stupid Day? I feel like I've been dipped in pus.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Just watch Elizabeth Warren at the DNC tonight and all will be well.

      • mrpuma2u

        Now THAT will have some fap factor.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    I think this Bracken writes all the Walking Dead episodes – which are horrible, but I still watch them. Seriously, though, change out the zombies with the blahs, and you get an idea of how much regard Bracken holds for his fellow humans with different skin colors – he thinks they're subhuman, worthless, and dangerous.

  • Cleopatriot

    This time we just let them go. They can have a hunk of the southeastern part of the country and lets see how long they last without the government's handouts to those states.

  • HogeyeGrex
    • Doktor Zoom

      Maybe he meant George Lincoln Rockwell. Easy enough mistake.

      (No, I didn't expect to make that comment twice in one day, either)

      • TribecaMike

        Had to be a a mistake. Norman Rockwell was born in New York City and died in Massachusetts, ergo a raving liberal.

    • redarmyzombie

      All of them, Katie?

  • RadioBowels

    So according to Bracken, racism is the easy way.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Needs more tin foil.

  • pdiddycornchips

    " Mr. Bracken believes that the coming Troubles will be ignited when “a cascading economic crisis, even a temporary one, leads to millions of EBT (electronic benefit transfer) cards flashing nothing but zeroes” and/or the supermarkets stop accepting the worthless funds that are not backed up by gold or something"

    And why would just the EBT's not work? The only way that makes any sense at all is if our currency is so devalued that merchants can't use it to buy from their suppliers. If that were to happen, it would be the bankers rioting as they see their billions in dollar denominated assets sink like the Titanic. Money, how does it work?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Yeah, that's sort of the "Shhh–he's on a roll" for the whole piece.

    • Generation[redacted]

      EBTs won't work because President Romney used all that money for tax cuts, obvs.

  • IonaTrailer

    FYI – fun fact – I work for a large County government. We actually *want* to give people food stamps, because the states get money back from the Federal government for Food Stamps! But the Freepers obviously are unaware of this fact.

    So don't bother them with facts, they're in their own little bizarro world.

    • mrpuma2u

      Yes facts like those and that most red states get more in federal money than they contribute. Realities like this are too much for these Rambo/Expendable wannabees.

  • Guppy

    So… Assad's supporters are SAVs? How's that working out?

  • GhostBuggy

    I like how the innocent whites keep driving to their jobs as civilization collapses around them.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      That's probably just the job creators.

    • Doktor Zoom

      They too are sheeple. The smart ones have been stockpiling food and weapons, and reading Free Republic of course.

      Oh, and masturbating furiously.

    • grex1949

      You expect them to use public transportation or bicycles to get to work?

  • Generation[redacted]

    This just reminds me of that scene from Blazing Saddles.

    "The sheriff is a MUY–" GONG!

  • OneYieldRegular

    The Paranoid Style of American political literature is in serious need of a paranoid style manual.

    • sullivanst

      A style manual? How're you going to sell one of those to these guys without them deciding that you're trying to imply mind control and brainwash on them by controlling grammar?

      • Doktor Zoom

        If you want to take away my run-on sentences, you'll have to pry them from my ccold, dead, hands, also the zoo has an African Lion the president is a lyin' African don't tread on me!!!!!!

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

    So what are all the white people doing when money collapses and food no longer exists? The ones that don't have Glenn Beck bunkers, I mean. It seems like looting would be the more reasonable responses.

    Oh wait, only blah people loot. White people "find supplies".

    • tihond

      "Forage": White people "forage"

  • barto

    Sr. Bracken es MUY macho!

  • Limeylizzie

    If this happens in Harlem I am joining with the MUYs because they will be much more attractive and have less body fat than the people from NJ, Prommie excepted.

    • finallyhappy

      I'm right next to DC and I know who I'm standing with!!

  • Fox n Fiends

    Didn't Charlie Manson think all this shit up 40 years ago?

    • TribecaMike

      Yes, but at least he had the excuse of being rejected by the Beach Boys.

  • Generation[redacted]

    The sniper ambush stops the flash mob cold in its tracks as the uninjured flee in terror, leaving their erstwhile comrades back on the ground bleeding.

    That'll teach 'em to perform a choreographed piece to the Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling"

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Does this guy have a clue as to how these "SAV" units are going to stay gassed up and armed for more than a day or two? Pretty easy to disable a refinery, and stop the fuel trucks. When that happens you're hoarding the rounds to use on each other.

  • TootsStansbury

    Shambling zombie Jeebus. I have relatives who read this site. Is it all like this? Sorry, I'm afraid to look for myself.

    • sullivanst

      Pretty much, from what I recall of the very few times I've dared venture over there. Your fear is well justified.

  • barto

    Who the hell is going to washing Ann's caddies through all this, not to mention Rafalca's (replacement)?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Doesn't it make you feel sorry for her?

    • Generation[redacted]

      That's why being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest job ever!

    • grex1949

      Finally, someone shows some empathy for the ones who have the most to lose in CW2!

  • ThundercatHo

    Uh, is "trim his sails accordingly" a euphemism of some kind? I didn't even bother to look it up the the Urban dictionary and couldn't find an online version of the Surburbanite dictionary.

  • Neoyorquino

    I bet he wrote all of that with one hand.

  • Arborista

    OT: Butterflies proliferating hereabouts, making me think of Steinbeck's comments about the monarchs in Pacific Grove (in 'Cannery Row &/or 'Sweet Thursday'), and also this Shins video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqYMRcnLU0o

  • Tundra Grifter

    'WINGNUT THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS" – if the wingnutz had an original thought, it would, indeed, be an experiment.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Ya know what makes me wanna "lock and load"? When we go more than 90 minutes between posts on a weekday during working hours.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      It makes me want to punch Paul Ryan in the face.

      • bobbert

        And this is different from any other time how?

  • IonaTrailer

    OT: Gina Rinehart is shooting off her mouth again, She said her country's mining industry couldn't compete with nations that are willing to pay workers less than $2 a day for their sweat and labor. The implicit suggestion: Employers should be free to pay workers whatever they please. http://www.latimes.com/business/money/la-fi-mo-ri

    • LibertyLover

      How about we create a Reality show called Celebrity Survivor? They wouldn't have to go to the jungle, they wouldn't even have to work, they just have to live on $2 a day.

  • ph7

    You think this is fun reading now, wait until November 7.

    • TootsStansbury

      They're going ro lose their shit. Good thing they're old, scooter riding tards.

      To, you silly phone, TO! I sound like scoobydo with the "ro".

  • littlebigdaddy

    Does he have a separate line of steamy mano a mano sexytime porn? Cuz I'm thinking he must.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I think that's what Dok posted.

    • Doktor Zoom

      did you see the cover of his latest "novel"?

      • emmelemm

        … fap?

        Nah, just kidding.

      • sullivanst

        "Cay"?

        Yeah, no goincidence there.

      • redarmyzombie

        Ohhhh no, I am NOT clicking on that website!

  • grex1949

    I was gratified to learn that the sniper pickup will not exceed the speed limit as it leaves the murder scene the author described. SOMEONE, at least, has respect for law and order, even in the throes of CW2!

    • LibertyLover

      There are speed bumps on those streets, friend, they might ruin their mega-shocks.

  • clblabin

    I love how even in the midst of the Great Race War, they still imagine that suburbanites will make long commutes to work downtown.

  • whatupirondog

    Don't forget to check out his Civil War 2 cube:
    http://westernrifleshooters.files.wordpress.com/2

    EAT YOUR HEART OUT GENE RAY

    • emmelemm

      Holy shit holy shit holy shit what is that?

      "I'll just make a nonsensical diagram. That will make people think I'm smart."

  • SeanMEnright

    Actually Gun Oil (www.gunoil.com) is a fantastic lubricant!

  • TribecaMike

    John "Red Dawn" Milius has a lot to answer for. That goes double for that John of Patmos guy.

  • ttommyunger

    Lubricant? You can use lubricant? My dick is smiling for the first time in years!

  • tihond

    Fuck it, if the country goes full civil war, I'll sell out as much of the south to the Mexican Drug Cartels as they want.

  • DahBoner

    Well, they're gonna have to use those plastic SPORKS from Chick-Fill-A, because Obama alteady confiscated all their guns after the first election…

  • ElPinche

    I ashamed to say this ,but i love reading Freeper comments. Some of the commenters are so unbelievably, over-the-top racist. It's like watching Honey Boo Boo.

    Forget riots and civil war, the most horrifying thing you can do to a racist Freeper is to place him in the middle of the Democratic convention audience full of smart, happy liberal minorities during an Michelle Obama speech. He'd faint and drown in his own poop.

  • TribecaMike

    I was looking forward to the good Doktor's latest essay being about Emma Bovary as transgressive masturbator, but you take what you can get.

    • emmelemm

      I'd read that.

      Oooh, if only I had a lot of dough… wasn't Rebecca offering "post on any subject you want" if you donated big to the Paypal link?

  • owhatever

    This looming disaster will make Bitcoins even more valuable.

    • sullivanst

      Yes, when the internet goes down they'll be more valuable pound-for-pound than unicorn horn.

  • Steverino247

    Friends, just because they're armed doesn't mean they can hit anything. It takes a lot of training and ammo to get good at hitting targets, let alone humans trying to avoid being shot and who occasionally shoot back.

    This is why we invented artillery.

  • TribecaMike

    Idiots. We all know the next civil war will be caused by Sandra Bernhard's rabid army of loyal followers.

  • ttommyunger

    Walter Mitty lives!

    • Doktor Zoom

      Ta-pocketta-pocketta

      • bobbert

        Queep

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    I don't care for this MUY shit. Many of us Wimminz and Oldz area also Urban and we are also mad as hell. He better start worrying about the OWs, too.

  • glamourdammerung

    And like we were saying, we definitely do not "love America like they do".

  • TribecaMike

    But is it art?

  • C_R_Eature

    Oho, yes Dok – I knew you would post on this. Thanks.

    I don't have much to add to the Most Excellent commentary above except this:

    All those Freepers that are looking forward to the Second Civil War should really try one out for size first. Syria comes to mind – I understand that the Plucky Rebel Forces could really use a hand against the Despotic Government. Go join up. Perhaps then you'll get your fill of horror, devastation, cruelty and piles of dead civilians.

    Perhaps then they'd shut up and leave us alone.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Gah. I just saw some of the pics from Aleppo today.

      • C_R_Eature

        They're truly horrible. I can barely stand listening to it everyday.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

    Incidentally, M.U.Y. is the name of my Old-School Chicano Hip-Hop group.

  • unclejeems

    Say, maybe John Husted could use some of those SAVs to keep keep the blahs and the MUYs and others of their persuasion (Democrats) away from the polls in November. I mean, a little practice never hurt. You just never know when they'll be needed for the Big One.

  • ChicagoLory

    Those excerpts sound like a plan for genocide.

  • Juicy_Stalin

    Of course "MUY" is in no way to be perceived as having any similarity to 'moolie'. Mr Bracken isn't even italian!

  • Stevola

    SAVs should be known as Suburban Armed Patriots instead. It makes a better acronym.

  • Negropolis

    You might be a redneck, if…

  • HistoriCat

    This book sounds like Fifty Shades of Grey but without the redeeming artistic merit.

  • Nesnora

    “Bunch together a group of people deliberately chosen for strong religious feelings, and you have a practical guarantee of dark morbidities expressed in crime, perversion, and insanity.” — H.P. Lovecraft

  • notanncoulter

    he's just looking to make a crappy movie starring Chuck Norris.
    we'll call it "1000 Years of Darkness: Part One: The Dark One Is Re-Anointed"
    cuz y'know… it's franchise-worthy stufff.

    • HELisforHEL

      Don't forget to include Steven Seagall in the cast…BOX OFFICE BOFFO!!