WINGNUT THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS  3:05 pm September 5, 2012

Freepers Excited About Prospects Of New Civil War, Yet Again

by Doktor Zoom

Astonishingly, NOT by Jon McNaughtonOur friends over at Free Republic do not have a lot of confidence that U.S. America can possibly last much longer, what with all the socialism and the welfare and the fiat money and the welfare and the food stamps, also Obama will take everyone’s guns. Also, welfare. So they are ever vigilant for the first glimmer of a chance to actually refresh the Tree of Liberty with the blood of tyrants, or at least to talk about what they’ll do for sure when SHTF, which they are totally ready for. Heck, their bloodthirsty desire for serious concern about a second Civil War is so deep that FR even uses a “CW2″ tag so readers can keep track of the many posts on the topic. The latest addition to the ouvre is “When The Music Stops — How America’s Cities May Explode In Violence,” by one Matt Bracken, which originally ran on the Western Rifle Shooters Assn. blog. Mr. Bracken is also the author of the “Enemies Foreign And Domestic” trilogy of novels, which is, surprisingly, self-published, and which absolutely does not simply scream “Turner Diaries fanfic.” (Link includes excerpts. Oh boy.)

So anyway, as a very credible author of paranoid military thrillers, Mr. Bracken is certainly well-qualified to “give us the skinny” on how the coming disintegration of America may “go down,” so that we can all be “locked and loaded” for it! Based on his extensive study of social trends, military tactics, and ideas pulled out of his ass, Mr. Bracken believes that the coming Troubles will be ignited when “a cascading economic crisis, even a temporary one, leads to millions of EBT (electronic benefit transfer) cards flashing nothing but zeroes” and/or the supermarkets stop accepting the worthless funds that are not backed up by gold or something. (The details of how the economy would collapse to this degree are not important, because he wants to move along to the rioting).

Then, once the minorities find that they can’t get food with their food stamps, they will go on a looting rampage, like they do. Again, never mind that not quite half of food stamp recipients are white, or that 41% of families using the program also have some employment income — those are minor distractions that get in the way of the fun tactical narrative about urban warfare that Mr. Bracken would like to focus on, thank you. Once The Blacks (Bracken prefers the military-thriller-sounding acronym “MUY” — “Minority Urban Youths”) have looted all the grocery and convenience stores and there’s no more food, then “A single truck loaded with food or gasoline would be perceived to be a Fort Knox on wheels and subject to immediate attack” — yes, you should now be thinking of Reginald Denny during the LA Riots! Also, Mr. Bracken would like you to know that he is Not Being Racist, Just Being A Realist Who Recognizes The Harsh Realities:

Some locales will divide upon religious or political lines, but they will not be the dominant factors contributing to conflict. In the American context, the divisions will primarily have an ethnic or racial context, largely because that makes it easy to sort out the sides at a safe distance. No need to check religious or political affiliation at a hundred yards when The Other is of a different color.

We Americans are all about doing things the easy way, so, sadly, visible racial and ethnic features will form the predominant lines of division.

See? He doesn’t LIKE writing this stuff, but he has to take a cold hard look at reality, even though he shakes his head sadly at that reality. So THEN, the MUYs will “move their activities to the borders of their ethnic enclaves” and attack “major intersections and highway interchanges where non-MUY suburban commuters must make daily passage to and from what forms of employment still exist.” (Again, no black people have jerbs, DUH). You just know that the following paragraph was written with a raging stiffy:

Some of those trapped in their cars will try to drive out of the area, inevitably knocking down MUY pedestrians and being trapped by even more outraged MUYs. The commuters will be dragged out of their cars and kicked or beaten to death. Other suburban commuters will try to shoot their way out of the lines of stopped cars, and they will meet the same grim fate once they run out of bullets and room to escape.

Who will save these poor white commuters? Another acronym will save them, or at least take revenge: the Suburban Armed Vigilantes, or SAVs! Heroic teams of combat veterans who “have acquired graduate-level educations in various aspects of urban warfare,” will take up arms against the MUY mobs! (Mr. Bracken appears to think that America’s combat veterans are all white, somehow.) And they will be better-armed, because while the mobs will have a motley mix of knives, pistols, and AK-47s, the combat vets will have AR-15-based semiautomatic rifles with optical scopes. And hunting rifles! They will deal death from a distance! A few paragraphs of gun porn later, Bracken treats us to a “Sniper Ambush Scenario” in which radio-equipped sniper teams drive their pickups to an area overlooking a likely Urban Chokepoint and shoot them some MUYs!

The result is a turkey shoot. One magazine of thirty aimed shots per rifle is expended in under a minute, a coded cease-fire is called on the walkie-talkies, and the trucks drive away at the speed limit. The canvas covering the truck beds contains the shooters’ spent brass. If the trucks are attacked from medium or close range, the canvas can be thrown back and the two snipers with their semi-automatic rifles or carbines will add their firepower to that of the driver and spotter.

Back at the intersection, complete panic breaks out among the rioters as a great number of bullets have landed in human flesh. Over a score have been killed outright, and many more scream in pain for medical attention they will not receive in time. The sniper ambush stops the flash mob cold in its tracks as the uninjured flee in terror, leaving their erstwhile comrades back on the ground bleeding. The commuters trapped in their vehicles may have an opportunity to escape.

Hah! Panicky nig MUYs won’t even help their screaming bleeding friends in the face of superior firepower!!!1! Bracken goes on: there will be a corrupt government crackdown on the SAViors, a big ol’ civil war that lasts for years, and then eventually an uneasy truce as everyone retreats to ethnic enclaves separated by high concrete “Peace Walls,” just like Northern Ireland! (Why is this man not already in charge of our urban planning?) Oh, or maybe we’ll fall into a centuries-long “New Dark Ages;” that could happen too. Bracken ends his jeremiad with appropriate solemnity:

Most of us wish we could turn back the calendar to Norman Rockwell’s America. But we cannot, for that America is water long over the dam and gone from our sight, if not from our memories. John Adams said, “Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other.” If that is true, judging by current and even accelerating cultural shifts, we might already have passed the point of no return.

The prudent American will trim his sails accordingly.

Again, he is not advocating anything. Just urging “us” (non-MUYs of course) to be ready, is all. Apparently, the simple expedient of adequately funding nutritional assistance programs is NOT a reasonable option.

We would simply add one bit of advice: Gun oil should never be used as a lubricant for masturbation.

[Free Republic]

 
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{ 382 comments }

nounverb911 September 5, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Paging General Sherman! Paging General Sherman!

BlueStateLibel September 5, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Damn, you beat me.

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Gosh, Mr. Peabody, thanks for the promotion!

Lascauxcaveman September 5, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Necesita MUY mas alarma de vaca.

Jus_Wonderin September 5, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Dok, do you have the Cliff Notes for this?

sullivanst September 5, 2012 at 3:20 pm

"Freeper wants to shoot himself some blahs"

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Well, OK, there IS that…

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 3:24 pm

"A thorough appreciation of literature allows no short cuts."

–from the Cliffs Notes disclaimer.

And the works of Matt Bracken are Littachur, dammit! I was just sad that I couldn't make everyone on Wonkette follow the sage advice in this Freeper post about the original:

READ EVERY WORD OF THIS AT LEAST TWICE. Matt Bracken has written a piece over at Western Rifle Shooters that matches exactly how I have envisaged the coming collapse and civil war.

Jus_Wonderin September 5, 2012 at 3:30 pm

This Bracken sounds like our building security guard, Robert.

sullivanst September 5, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Oh FFS. Survival-fantasist GOOMH-bait?

Arborista September 5, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Dok, when will you admit that Matt Bracken is your nom de plume, & you're playing both ends against the middle?

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 3:59 pm

My porn would have fewer guns, more puns.

starfanglednut September 5, 2012 at 5:33 pm

And tits, yes?

actor212 September 5, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Matt Bracken has written a piece over at Western Rifle Shooters that matches exactly how I have envisaged the coming collapse and civil war.

So it's contagious? I recommend immediately quarantine

HogeyeGrex September 5, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Cliff read two paragraphs and ran screaming from the room.

actor212 September 5, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Allow me…

*ahem*

Pew! Pewpew! Pew!

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 4:02 pm

OK, but only if voiced by Carl Kasell.

actor212 September 5, 2012 at 4:44 pm

A classic bit.

nounverb911 September 5, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Bracken does realize that whites will be in the minority real soon?

BerkeleyBear September 5, 2012 at 3:16 pm

And pretty much the day after that gets mentioned on Fox News you'll see a rash of "sovereign citizen compounds" go into armed standoff mode and have to get mowed down Ruby Ridge/Waco style.

Pragmatist2 September 5, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Not if they strike first.

Slim_Pickins September 5, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Not in Norman Rockwell's America!

Boojum September 5, 2012 at 4:24 pm

He obviously meant "Enemies: Foreigns and Domestics."

mavenmaven September 5, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Sounds just like the current Republican platform and solves medicare as well!

OzoneTom September 5, 2012 at 3:11 pm

But those are Canadians in the picture!

timbo71351 September 5, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Fuck those crazy old white Christian gun nut assholes. I'm all down for a civil war if it thins out their ranks — and I'm a 41-year-old honky.

succalina September 5, 2012 at 9:28 pm

That's the only reason I own a gun. If those bat-shit crazy ass white bastards are coming for me, I'll be damn sure I take one with me.

And like timbo71351, I'm a honky, too.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 September 6, 2012 at 12:56 am

Yes I'm getting a bit sick of the pornographic fixation these fascists have on armed violence myself. The fact that this asshole writes this detailed fantasy and then pretends to be solemn about it is so racist and fascist it's almost beyond reason. To wit: The 'race war' which will look like some sort of national version of the LA '92 riots is going to be black people attacking white people because their EBT cards won't work? This idiot is so lazy he doesn't even update his racial slurs, if anything it won't be a 'race war' should that happen, it will be a class war because white welfare recipients vastly outnumber black recipients. This is the same old tired "blah" bullshit which explains in a nutshell why black people do not like fucking wingnuts. I am white myself and this kind of lazy racist Turner Diaries fantasy bullshit pisses me off as much as I'm sure it pisses off any black person who reads it. Fucking freeper skinheads…

Willardbot9000_V2.5 September 6, 2012 at 12:58 am

I also love how it's all "Obama's fault" because of his 'class warfare' rhetoric. It isn't as a result of conservatives fomenting this shit completely and utterly without merit (based upon racial antipathy and because their exposure to black folks comes from Faux Nuuz and every other right wing outlet portraying black Americans in the most negative way possible)…nope it's because Obama is "king black guy" and is mobilizing all other black people to take their shit because they are all on welfare, can't have jobs and resent the "success" of these pasty fuckfaces. God I wish there was some kind of law we could use with some of these people….

Hera Sent Me September 5, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Misanthropic religious nuts yearn for the Apocalypse. Misanthropic traitors yearn for a civil war.

Eventually, we may have to fulfill one of their collective BDSM fantasies and lock them up.

redarmyzombie September 5, 2012 at 4:23 pm

I myself am placing my hope on the Zombie Apocalypse coming first.

LastGasp September 5, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Obama will take everyone’s guns.
There are very few guns left to take — the wingnut conspiracy theorists had to pawn 'em when they lost their jobs. However, this fact doesn't rule out the possibility of a pitchfork-wielding mob.

Jus_Wonderin September 5, 2012 at 3:24 pm

I plan to take that class this Fall. I want to be prepared. I haven't checked to see if I need to bring a pitchfork, or if one will be supplied.

ChillBill September 5, 2012 at 3:29 pm

I think that's why the want a war; what else are they gonna do with all those unused guns and ammo?

no_gravity September 5, 2012 at 3:13 pm

50 Shades of CW2 Grey fanfic.

mrpuma2u September 5, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Needz moar,,,, uh needs less hate? These people are stone cold insane, and heavily armed. Yowzers.

redarmyzombie September 5, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Well, the good news is most of them are cowards to boot, soooo…

SorosBot September 5, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Considering how many of those suburban commuters drive, a total menace to pedestrians who completely ignore the right of way but think they can just threaten to run us over with their big-ass SUVs, I've been tempted to drag them out of their cars and give them what they were asking for.

IonaTrailer September 5, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Especially the tiny women on their cell phones.

redarmyzombie September 5, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Oh, I have been hit by those things so many times, it's not even funny…

TootsStansbury September 5, 2012 at 4:35 pm

I always tell Mr. Stansbury I am going to start carrying a golf club.

prommie September 5, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Walter Sobchek Lives!

FakaktaSouth September 5, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Calmer than you are.

prommie September 5, 2012 at 4:37 pm

This aggression shall not stand!

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 4:45 pm

oh for shit's sake.

prommie September 5, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Shut the fuck up, Donny.

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 4:38 pm

This aggression by these MUYs will not stand!

Steverino247 September 5, 2012 at 5:30 pm

You're entering into a World of Pain-in-the-ass.

and

"This is what happens when fuck a meme in the ass!"

ChernobylSoup September 5, 2012 at 3:14 pm

How about we just extend unemployment benefits?

Blueb4sinrise September 5, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Somehow I immediately imagined Bob Newhart raising his hand and suggesting this.

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 4:21 pm

"Um….excuse me…"

Generation[redacted] September 5, 2012 at 4:22 pm

(on the phone) "What's that? You say you already bought the guns. I see…"

Lascauxcaveman September 5, 2012 at 4:21 pm

What fun would that be? We'd miss out on all that groovy paramilitary action.

You know he wants it, but bad.

Jukesgrrl September 5, 2012 at 6:07 pm

That would work for me, since AZ cut me off before I was supposed to have used up all my benefits. I thought it was "insurance" that I and my employer had paid for but … silly me.

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 3:14 pm

And Snake Plissken will emerge to lead a wounded nation to redemption.

mrpuma2u September 5, 2012 at 4:38 pm

I thought he was dead.

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 5:11 pm

He gets that a lot.

Baconzgood September 5, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I didn't know you could major in Aspects of Urban Warfare. Is it heavy in math?

LastGasp September 5, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Oh of course not, and it has almost no requirement for reasoning skills.

Lascauxcaveman September 5, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Critical Thinking does not appear in the syllabus.

Jukesgrrl September 5, 2012 at 6:09 pm

No, it only requires an ability to see the difference between white and not white.

schvitzatura September 5, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Can they remember 3:1 to dislodge a defender and 10:1 to take on an entrenched/fortified one?

Gleem McShineys September 5, 2012 at 6:01 pm

ZERG DERP RUSH

taylormattd September 5, 2012 at 3:15 pm

If you play Michelle Obama's speech backward, it says GET WHITEY GET WHITEY GET WHITEY! over and over.

FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP.

tihond September 5, 2012 at 4:35 pm

To be fair, she thinks only Whitey Herzog can lead the White Sox to another World Series victory.

Hammiepants September 5, 2012 at 3:16 pm

"Minority Urban Youth" is SO an excellent boy band name.

keinsignal September 5, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Eh, I'm thinking more early 90's rap/hardcore crossover band.

DCBloom September 5, 2012 at 4:09 pm

90's ska / rudeboy

Boojum September 5, 2012 at 5:09 pm

10's ass/rentboy

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 3:16 pm

"so, sadly, visible racial and ethnic features will form the predominant lines of division."

You mean the ones you just drew in your article, dude?

prommie September 5, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I prefer to draw the line between working people, and useless parasites who live off inherited wealth, myself.

Generation[redacted] September 5, 2012 at 4:24 pm

It's easy to spot who is driving a yacht from a distance.

redarmyzombie September 5, 2012 at 4:27 pm

I, for one, am looking forward to becoming a Morlock myself.

Joshua Norton September 5, 2012 at 3:16 pm

The sniper ambush stops the flash mob cold in its tracks as the uninjured flee in terror, leaving their erstwhile comrades back on the ground bleeding. The commuters trapped in their vehicles may have an opportunity to escape.

Needz moar wingnut Apocalyptic/treason porn!!

These people have reduced themselves to mindless cartoon characters in an endless "Call of Duty" X box game..

SigDeFlyinMonky September 5, 2012 at 3:17 pm

MUY, MUY encantado! Let's just go with the Bluesteeldemocrats bumper sticker: Democrats don't want your guns, we've got our own.

EatsBabyDingos September 5, 2012 at 3:17 pm

20 million hobocoin says he's wrong.

Antispandex September 5, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Back in the olden days, when I was serving my country, I was under the strong impression that advocating the violent overthrow of the government was at least frowned upon. This does make me a little nervous when I think about only rednecked crackers owning guns though. That's maybe not good for the future of a two party system in this country…or even the survival of any liberals at all. But, hey, this is America in the 21st century! I'm sure we'll be just fine.

Crank_Tango September 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Exactly. I really doubt it will come to a civil war, but it makes me cringe when we libtards go on and on about disarming ourselves. It's like lambs to the slaughter or something. Then again, I can talk frog, so when the shit hits the fan its adieu, mangeurs de merde !

prommie September 5, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Hey, keep quiet, go along, get along! It worked for Germany's jews.

tihond September 5, 2012 at 4:36 pm

The easiest way to get the right to endorse gun control? Arm the left.

Jus_Wonderin September 5, 2012 at 4:39 pm

I really want to get an NRA sticker and put it opposite by Obama/Biden sticker.

Jukesgrrl September 5, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Brilliant! It might help me from having my car keyed in Arizona.

bibliotequetress September 6, 2012 at 8:18 am

Tihond, I may need to tweet this later. Will credit you, my friend.

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I don't even want to think about what the comments on this look like over there.

sullivanst September 5, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Freeper comments?

Yeah, don't go there. You can't imagine enough brain bleach to feel clean after going there.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 5, 2012 at 3:27 pm

They're too busy masturbating their tiny manhoods.

Hammiepants September 5, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Right? Every once in a while, I click on those little icons on my Intense Debate profile that shows who's "visited" me, and interestingly, it's always wingnuts. I like to pretend they're hatefapping to my profile.

pdiddycornchips September 5, 2012 at 4:58 pm

I took a look. I'll paraphrase and correct for tone and intent as they speak to one another in wingnut coded terminology.

1). Most think this could be real and they are preparing for it even though the possibility is remote (*THEY PRAY TO THEIR WHITEY GOD EVERY NIGHT FOR THIS TO HAPPEN)

2). They are sure it will not happen in their towns but in far off places like Chicago, NY and Los Angeles(* ONCE THE RIOTING STARTS IN EARNEST, THEY WILL ELIMINATE ANYONE IN THEIR IMMEDIATE VICINITY THAT COULD POSE A THREAT, ie BLACKS AND MEXICANS)

3). They are concerned about what kinds of weapons they should have and when they should get their Glenn Beck approved Gold out of the safe deposit box (*THEY ALL PRETEND TO HAVE MILLIONS IN GOLD BULLION. EVERYONE KNOWS THIS IS A LIE AND THEY ARE SECRETLY GETTING FOOD STAMPS)

4). None of this would have to happen if Obama would stop it with the being Black and Liberal shit. (* THEY ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO BEING THEIR OPENLY RACIST SELVES. THEY ARE THISCLOSE TO RELEASING ALL THAT PENT UP RACE HATRED AND CAN'T WAIT TO GET STARTED)

deanbooth September 5, 2012 at 3:18 pm

that makes it easy to sort out the sides at a safe distance.

How about we divide up by gender and do shirts vs. skins.

randcoolcatdaddy September 5, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Wow … all this fuss from these people just because we have a Black president.

In 2016, when the Dems get a Chinese-American transexual FTM that's married to a lovely Hispanic chick in the White House, their heads really will explode.

tihond September 5, 2012 at 4:37 pm

When did Michelle Malkin switch parties?

pdiddycornchips September 5, 2012 at 5:00 pm

RuPaul/J Lo 2016!!!!

HistoriCat September 5, 2012 at 10:43 pm

I wonder how many Paulites would assume Ru Paul was related to Ron.

pdiddycornchips September 6, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Wait, they aren't? Then why does Rand call Ru mommy?

LesBontemps September 5, 2012 at 3:18 pm

This guy needs to be hunted down by the Obama Youth Brigade and taken to the nearest FEMA re-education camp, where he will be gay married to a Muslim Socialist.

AbandonHope_ September 5, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I can't. I tried to snark, but I just can't.

These people are pure evil. I mean, full-on, balls-to-the-wall, Nazi evil.

SoBeach September 5, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Nah. Boneheads, mostly. They're only badass survivors who get the hot chicks in their fantasy world. In the real world they're just kind of creepy.

Generation[redacted] September 5, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Those Boneheads may not have the mental capacity to build a dictatorship, but you can bet your bottom dollar they'd go along with anyone who does.

SoBeach September 5, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Yeah, as long as they're told it's a dictatorship of freedom. Sigh.

ttommyunger September 5, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Frightened, mostly frightened, and hateful.

schvitzatura September 5, 2012 at 6:54 pm

Bleibe, reste, stay…
Willkommen! Bienvenue! Welcome!
Im Wonkette-ret!

emmelemm September 5, 2012 at 3:19 pm

that makes it easy to sort out the sides at a safe distance

What is this I don't even….

Mind swirling…

Yes, let's just decide that everyone with the opposite color skin is our enemy. Because we can see them at a distance. It makes it "easy".

actor212 September 5, 2012 at 3:29 pm

That's so racist of you, pointing out that they're using skin color to sort out their enemies.

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 3:35 pm
CommieLibunatic September 5, 2012 at 6:14 pm
Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Ah– the least I can do is give you the headline: "Stereotypes Are A Real Time-Saver"

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 5, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Shush, it protects us pale Marxist Muslim Kenyans.

anniegetyerfun September 5, 2012 at 4:20 pm

"I don't know. Some of you look Asian to me."

Pragmatist2 September 5, 2012 at 3:19 pm

The rallying cry of "Unfree the Slaves" will echo throughout the land!

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 5, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I really don't need to be subjected to this guy's survivalist masturbation marathon. How many times do you think he came in his cargo pants while writing this shit?

Ugh, there goes my lunch.

emmelemm September 5, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Right? This is the dictionary definition of "masturbatory".

SmutBoffin September 5, 2012 at 3:36 pm

"I kept scraping, and reminiscing. The first few months after finding Cori in Venezuela she had been insatiable, a passionate tigress. There had been a magnetic skin hunger between us, a shared sexual attraction that found us entangled at least twice a day, often on deserted beaches or atop sand dunes overlooking the ocean. A night didn't pass that we didn't make love in the double bed of my captain's cabin, which occupied the entire stern of Rebel Yell. Between those times we were rarely more than a few feet apart, and we were usually touching. Her hot Latina temper had never mattered to me, not when we thought we were madly in love. "

LOL The protagonist has a hot Venezuelan GF and a boat called Rebel Yell and a employee named 'Tran Hung '.

HempDogbane September 5, 2012 at 4:04 pm

I have magnetic skin hunger at least twice a day. Sometimes three times.

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Motherfuckin' magnetic skin hunger–how does it work?

pdiddycornchips September 5, 2012 at 5:07 pm

What? All that blah shootin'' and he's got time and energy for boffing a latino whore? Really? Back in the real world, he can't find a woman willing to sit next to him on the bus let alone touch skin with him. If he were ever face to face with an band of urban youths, he would wet himself before offering to service them orally.

edgydrifter September 5, 2012 at 3:19 pm

RED, no… BLACK DAWN! WOLVERINES!!

GhostBuggy September 5, 2012 at 3:56 pm

BLAH DAWN!

Limeylizzie September 5, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Proud to report that MrLL was the production designer on the original Red Dawn.

emmelemm September 5, 2012 at 4:28 pm

That's awesome.

Limeylizzie September 5, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Also “Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS”, “Hudson Hawk” and “Die Hard 1 and 3″ among others.

BerkeleyBear September 5, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Jeepers, that's quite an interesting CV. So how often was he forced to applaud Bruce Willis' harmonica playing?

sullivanst September 5, 2012 at 5:09 pm

So now we know why Die Hard 2 sucked so hard.

schvitzatura September 5, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Whatcha think of Milius, do tell?

Bowfinger, The 40 Year Old Virgin, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall?

DAYYUM!

Limeylizzie September 5, 2012 at 7:18 pm

He said that shoot was insane, it was before I knew him, but they were in the New Mexico desert I believe.Jack is the man! I am proud of him, he is a design genius.He did a fantastic job on a TV pilot last year, “Powers”, based on a graphic novel, but it doesn't look as if it will get picked up.

anniegetyerfun September 5, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I take it that the police Obama-led U.N. troops will have nothing to say about this, and just stay home?

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 3:36 pm

From the Freeper comments: "Blue helmets make easy targets"

sullivanst September 5, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Less obvious than red coats, but freeper would seem to have a point.

IonaTrailer September 5, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Not the Smurfs!!!!

actor212 September 5, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Just. Bring. It.

That's all I have to say to a bunch of cowardly little asshats who I can crush without stopping my fapping.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 5, 2012 at 3:20 pm

This screenplay would be a lot more entertaining with some zombies and cannibalisms.

mull_man September 5, 2012 at 3:20 pm

MUY Bueno!!!

HempDogbane September 5, 2012 at 4:08 pm

BUENO ! Bustin' Up Everything North of Our house.

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Your move, Turner Diaries writing guy.

EatsBabyDingos September 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm

MUY loco y tiene una cabeza de vaca.

johnnyzhivago September 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm

And when the UN Armies parachute into every corner of America and start turning our golf courses into solar panel farms – the real bloodbath begins!!!!!!!!!!!

All of this because this Obama is so – "one world" – he just doesn't understand the "shining city on the hill" like we do.

Baconzgood September 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm

MUY? That's it. I quit. Can you please pull the country over. I'll walk the rest of the way to Sanity from here.

LibertyLover September 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm

But aren't "Second Amendment Remedies" so…. um… 2010?

jodyleek September 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Okay, I'll do it…

Know who else fantasized about a race-based civil war?

Jus_Wonderin September 5, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Loki? Bele?

SorosBot September 5, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Jefferson Davis?

SayItWithWookies September 5, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Nat Turner?

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 3:37 pm

That guy that misinterpreted the lyrics of that Helter Skelter song? Marilyn Manson, was it?

LibertyLover September 5, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I loved her in "The Misfits." ;-)

GeorgiaBurning September 5, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Niall Ferguson?

Blueb4sinrise September 5, 2012 at 4:17 pm

MUY X?

SorosBot September 5, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Magneto?

anniegetyerfun September 5, 2012 at 4:24 pm

The Romulans?

tihond September 5, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Ken Layne?

redarmyzombie September 5, 2012 at 4:41 pm

George Wallace?

mrpuma2u September 5, 2012 at 4:44 pm

David Dookie?

Swampgas_Man September 6, 2012 at 9:31 am

Smilin' Chuckie Manson?

cromiller September 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm

No snark, but if you want a great perspective on what CWII would look like, read the comic books series DMZ. Fascinating stuff!

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Excellent comics!

SayItWithWookies September 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Geeze, this makes Charles Manson's apocalyptic race-war fantasies seem both reasonable and not so creepily richly detailed.

IncenseDebate September 5, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Plus Charlie had better music for his fantasies.

Exhausted66 September 5, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Who needs a truckload of snipers when you have Chuck Norris?

sullivanst September 5, 2012 at 3:28 pm

People who have Chuck Norris?

fuflans September 5, 2012 at 4:27 pm

1000 years of darkness that even chuck norris can't stop.

emmelemm September 5, 2012 at 4:31 pm

It takes a nation of millions to hold us back!

sullivanst September 5, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Yeeeeeeeaaaaahhh, boyyyyyy!

anniegetyerfun September 5, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Israel built a really neato Peace Wall, too! And it worked really well and everyone lived Happily Ever After.

fuflans September 5, 2012 at 3:22 pm

blow muy.

ChillBill September 5, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Do we really need another Civil War? I mean, why can't they just all move to the South and peacefully secede?

SorosBot September 5, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I don't need your civil war
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers
In a human grocery store
Ain't that fresh
I don't need your civil war
Ow, oh no, no, no, no, no

ChillBill September 5, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Thanks, Axl RoSoros.

omrala September 6, 2012 at 9:15 am

Please now, let's not turn Austin into West Berlin…

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I would hazard a guess that the Freepers find this very easy to masturbate to.

Gleem McShineys September 5, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Though sometimes it takes a while.

Understandably there is a high probability of mistaking one's weenis for a perspiration softened cheetoh that found under one's gutflap.

johnnyzhivago September 5, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I anxiously await the McNaughton painting of all of this.

Designer_Rants September 5, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I wonder if there'll be symbolism?

sullivanst September 5, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Inasmuch as the letters comprising the rollover text are symbols, yes.

notanncoulter September 6, 2012 at 12:30 pm

thanks – now i have to jab pencils into my eyes as a precaution.
really, thanks.

Baconzgood September 5, 2012 at 3:23 pm

How come these people that live in the suburbs think no white people live in the city? I hate to inform them but I have black, white, vietnamese, gay, and even morman neighbors living ON THE SAME BLOCK (DUN-DUN-DUNH)!!

MissTaken September 5, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Mor man indeed. Rawr!

actor212 September 5, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Better.

How is it that urban tactics are hard to teach a trained fucking army, much less a bunch of drunk yahoos in pickups? Have they actually LOOKED at Tikrit or Baghdad or Kabul, and how easy it is for people to hole up and not only defend their towns, but repel invasions unless there is overwhelming force?

You know, the kind an actual fucking army can bring, not a "militia"?

sullivanst September 5, 2012 at 3:36 pm

You mean the pasty keyboard warriors jerking off down the barrels of their saturday night specials don't have access to AH-64 gunships and M1 tanks?

WhatTheHeck September 5, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Only the U.N. troops have those, ready to swoop down on a moment’s notice.

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Ah, but you see, your negro is an unthinking brute unable to adapt to modern tactics. Just like the simple tribesmen of Iraq and Afghanistan.

AbandonHope_ September 5, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Which, in their minds, is an Unclean Practice, and must be Purged.

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 3:28 pm

My guess is that this guy lives in a single-wide on 2 acres out in the sticks; old style 12-foot satellite dish out back and a 1976 C-1500 Scottsdale pickup truck on cinder blocks out front. Or in his mom's basement.

grex1949 September 5, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Naw, Mom kicked his ass out when he accidentally shot a hole in the ceiling of that 50's model mobile home a few weeks back while cleaning his gun.

Dr_Zoidberg September 5, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Well, as long as you don't talk to them or acknowledge their existence in any way, you're ok.

SorosBot September 5, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Silly, white people live in the suburbs and only go to the city to work or be tourists!

(As an urban white guy myself, I guess I must be a race traitor?)

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 3:43 pm

I will be forming the 1st Northwest Race Traitor brigade, if you're interested in joining up.

SorosBot September 5, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Well the Northwest is a little far from both my current abode and my soon-to-be one, but yes I will be happy to join the Race Traitor Brigades.

Baconzgood September 5, 2012 at 4:05 pm

I got your backs in the Rust Belt.

Generation[redacted] September 5, 2012 at 4:31 pm

All-volunteer miscegenation squad, reporting for duty!

anniegetyerfun September 5, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Since I just moved to the sticks, I am 94% certain that most of my neighbors are Freepers. I've been avoiding all white people in the area, in hopes of never finding out just how evil all of them are.

shelwood46 September 5, 2012 at 4:33 pm

It's truly amazing how dedicated those white people are to their jobs in the city, that they will insist on commuting in daily during a race war, to face deadly riot mobs to get to work, every single day, even if they have to run (those) people over or shoot them. Is the coffee that much better in their offices?

Attention white people: when Civil War 2 starts, take the week off.

CrunchyKnee September 5, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Yeah, I guess all my Rasta, white hipster, and just plain cranky old man Latino neighbors and I will have to stop smoking weed together on warm summer evenings.

Baconzgood September 5, 2012 at 3:51 pm

I know. I'm going to have to stop going over to Vo's place with Daryll for his huge Tet blow out every winter.

GeorgiaBurning September 5, 2012 at 4:32 pm

My suburban neighborhood looks like the Democratic convention, no help for him there.

fuflans September 5, 2012 at 3:24 pm

i'll pick cartman's side.

ChernobylSoup September 5, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Dude's got the entire Tom Clancy collection on milk crate-shelves, an MRE from the surplus store on a TV tray, and Billy Joel's Goodnight Saigon on repeat.

AbandonHope_ September 5, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Isn't Goodnight Saigon about how all the Americans were woefully unprepared to engage the Viet-Cong (who were in their comfort zone, conducting guerrilla warfare in their own homes), and were thus slaughtered more or less as soon as they hit the ground?

I'm trying to draw a parallel here, but I just can't quite figure out what that might be…

sullivanst September 5, 2012 at 3:41 pm

The wingnuts often mistake cautionary tales for guidebooks…

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Yes, but Born In The USA was not a saber-rattling song, and that made no difference.

BerkeleyBear September 5, 2012 at 4:38 pm

And the right wing still thinks "Ain't that America" is somehow uplifting.

Blunderthing September 5, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Fucking armchair rebels. Let 'em go. Put 'em in a territory of their own, they'll start shooting at each other soon enough.

Arborista September 5, 2012 at 3:24 pm

"Who will save these poor white commuters?"

Don't you mean 'commenters'?

actor212 September 5, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Bracken treats us to a “Sniper Ambush Scenario” in which radio-equipped sniper teams drive their pickups to an area overlooking a likely Urban Chokepoint and shoot them some MUYs!

Yes, because the pendejos who live there have no idea that it's a chokepoint, or how to avoid it, because, you know, they've only lived there all their lives while you and your "boys" show up with Hummers and guns.

Meanwhile, as you carefully set your trap, the MUYs are taking off with your rides home. And no, Mommy can't bail you out of this one.

Hammiepants September 5, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Holy crap, the excerpts on his website are HILARIOUS in their sheer awfulness.

WhatTheHeck September 5, 2012 at 3:25 pm

When liberty comes to the southern white man, it will be wrapped in the confederate flag and holding a bible in one hand and a rifle in the other.

deanbooth September 5, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Release the Bracken!

Slim_Pickins September 5, 2012 at 3:26 pm

So many people off their meds at the same time.

LibertyLover September 5, 2012 at 3:38 pm

In an earlier Norman Rockwell world, no one had these kinds of meds.
(Or, for that matter, assault weapons with clips that hold a huge number of rounds.)

GhostBuggy September 5, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Or, for that matter, basic civil rights.

AbandonHope_ September 5, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Wait, I can snark now… if there were a big economic crisis, the first thing that would happen is major gasoline hoarding, so I do hope these Nazis have their pickups all filled up before they act out their terrorist attacks.

Which is what these would be. Terrorist attacks.

SmutBoffin September 5, 2012 at 3:27 pm

The very definition of Internet Tough Guy.

MissTaken September 5, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Gun oil should never be used as a lubricant for masturbation.

You just had to wait to the last sentence for that advice? Thanks Doc.

Jimmyone September 5, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I wished he had mentioned gun "bluing" as well. It is really not good for that kind of barrel.

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Is that where "screwed, blued, and tattooed" comes from?

GeorgiaBurning September 5, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Cute line about "spent brass", he probably lit a cigarette after writing it.

AbandonHope_ September 5, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Incidentally, it is posts like these that resulted in my current nickname. Every once in a while I think about changing it, and then another one of these happens, and it remains apropos.

Kid_Charlemagne September 5, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Cool, can I start a "Mad Max" style biker gang and wear spraypainted football shoulderpads?

Baconzgood September 5, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I'm going to dress like someone from GWAR.

fuflans September 5, 2012 at 3:30 pm
veence69 September 5, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Bring it on, Cletus.

Antispandex September 5, 2012 at 3:31 pm

"Gun oil should never be used as a lubricant for masturbation."

Is there an official Wonkette recommendation?

Jus_Wonderin September 5, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Shhhh. They will add an ad popup.

Crank_Tango September 5, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I prefer a tight grip anyway. I use my gun oil for buttsex. But then again, I use crisco to lube my gun anyway.

Terry September 5, 2012 at 3:31 pm

These guys fantasize over very disturbing things.

DemmeFatale September 5, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I just think it's so funny that these idiots hate Obama so much, but only have stupid ol' Mitt standing in his way.
What a bunch of losers!
They sure can talk the talk, though. (Don't worry, they'll never walk the walk.)

GhostBuggy September 5, 2012 at 4:03 pm

That's the best part about this whole election cycle. Obummer is the worst president in history, an evil Socialist usurper, etc. and so on, but the best they can bring is pandering, wishy-washy, actually-used-to-be-fairly-moderate Mitt fuckin' Romney.

Is Obama Satan or not? Because if he is, where's your Great White Protestant/Baptist Hope?

Baconzgood September 5, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Someone needs refill their prescription for Clozapine.

bikerlaureate September 5, 2012 at 3:31 pm

No need to check religious or political affiliation at a hundred yards when The Other is of a different color.

'cause every Puerto-riccan's
a lousy chicken.

Crank_Tango September 5, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I think my favorite myth these assholes have is that libtards are all brown (and on welfare). I am so white and nordic looking, they will never see me coming.

sbj1964 September 5, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Where is Snake Blissken when you need him?

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 3:46 pm

I thought he was dead.

emmelemm September 5, 2012 at 3:50 pm

He gets that a lot!

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 5, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Okay, I clicked on the linky and before even reading the comments I just have to ask …
Why does this website look like it was created in 1998?

SorosBot September 5, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Is there blinking text? Please let there be blinking text.

Jus_Wonderin September 5, 2012 at 3:43 pm

I used to have to make art in ASCII text. Thank god for advancing technology.

sullivanst September 5, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Because noone with the slightest artistic ability would ever dream of contributing their talents to Free Republic?

Jukesgrrl September 5, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Does it have a Visitor Counter?

Butch_Wagstaff September 5, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Right below the gif of the dancing Klansman.

Jukesgrrl September 5, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Much scarier than that cartoon he used to have of Yosemite Sam and his blazing pistols.

CrunchyKnee September 5, 2012 at 3:33 pm

SAVs in SUVs is my next rock opera.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 5, 2012 at 3:34 pm

I don't think this guy knows what a flash mob is.

Tundra Grifter September 5, 2012 at 4:26 pm

It sounds urban enough to him. The right wing nutz are scared to death of the Blah flash mobs.

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Isn't it a group of pervs in raincoats exposing themselves?

Jukesgrrl September 5, 2012 at 6:17 pm

And calling it art.

shelwood46 September 5, 2012 at 4:39 pm

It's good to know that the coming race war will not disrupt cell service.

OneYieldRegular September 5, 2012 at 6:48 pm

I kind of liked the use of "erstwhile" as an adjective to describe left behind comrades who'd been shot. It's hard to generate novel uses of words like that even when using a thesaurus.

Ruhe September 5, 2012 at 3:35 pm

" In the American context, the divisions will primarily have an ethnic or racial context, largely because that makes it easy to sort out the sides at a safe distance. No need to check religious or political affiliation at a hundred yards when The Other is of a different color."

Okay, so this whole thing truly is a shameless piece of porn but that line…that's sort of weirdly insightful isn't it. Or maybe it's revealing. Obviously the claim is that the MUY gangs will sort themselves out on the basis of color but the implication is that once they've done that, once they've played the race card, then the SAVs will have no choice but to band together along similar lines. How convenient. They don't have to be racists…they can have it thrust upon them.

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 3:48 pm

It is ever thus. What choice does a man have but to be a racist, once multiculturalism is forced upon him?

LibertyLover September 5, 2012 at 3:35 pm

So. They are going to be shooting from the shining city on the hill? Presumably from gated communities. I thought they wanted everyone to have access to these sorts of weapons… won't some of the nig MUY's shoot back? Or will they just ban the sale of the assault weapons based on *cough* background checks?

gullywompr September 5, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I know, right? That's always the fatal flaw in these cracker fantasies – assuming they are the ones with greater firepower.

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 4:19 pm

It will be temporarily renamed The Blackout-Curtain-Draped Strategic Community on the High Ground.

For the duration.

Schmegeg September 5, 2012 at 3:36 pm

"Mr. Bracken is certainly well-qualified to “give us the skinny” on how the coming disintegration of America may “go down,”"

Br Bracken is undoubtedly an expert on that motion.

SorosBot September 5, 2012 at 3:36 pm

You know, the last Civil War didn't exactly go so well for the backwards racist troglodytes.

Slim_Pickins September 5, 2012 at 10:26 pm

You might say that they were outwitted.

ShreditorsDesk September 5, 2012 at 3:36 pm

I heered they stolt all mah doh'reetoes !

a_pink_poodle September 5, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Hooray Race War!

Honestly, what's with the acronyms? Just call a black kid a black kid!

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Maybe they'll take a page from the Indian Mutiny, where all the mutineers were called "Pandies" after the guy who supposedly kicked things off. Maybe "Trayvons?"

gullywompr September 5, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I went to high school with that guy in the 70's! I guess he's still in 11th grade.

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 4:20 pm

I'm pretty sure I worked with him at a call center in 2001.

Naked_Bunny September 5, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Remember, though, it's Democrats and their support for programs like EBT who are the true racists.

zippy_w_pinhead September 5, 2012 at 3:41 pm

CIVIL WAR= wingnut masturbation porn

Terry September 5, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I live in the kind of neighborhood that would make Bracken crap his pants. I grew up in one that would make him run for the Virginia border. Lots of minorities, both immigrants and native born. Lots of liberals, ranging from union members to hippies.

In Bracken's wet dream, my neighbors (and friends) either turn into looters or whimpering masses of jelly. In reality, I'd feel a lot safer with the nice man who immigrated from west Africa who has the scars from where the bad people hit him with the machete when he was a kid and the card carrying member of the union who knows how to handle a pipe wrench than I would with anyone that Bracken considers a SAVior.

I'm not kidding about the man with the machete scars. He's a sweetheart and happy to be an American.

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 4:18 pm

That's pretty awesome. We really are much better than the worst of us sometimes make me think we are.

Humans, I mean.

Limeylizzie September 5, 2012 at 7:20 pm

That sounds like my hood, in South Harlem, fantastic people, immigrants from Senegal, Jamaica , Syria etc, all wonderful and so proud of Barry.

rickmaci September 5, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I blame all this on Abraham Lincoln. If he had put the leaders and generals of those Confeddi traitors up against a wall and shot them, like any right thinking defender against rebellion and anarchy, this shit all would have ended right then and there.

Jukesgrrl September 5, 2012 at 6:32 pm

At the very least they could have outlawed the statues in the town squares. I've traveled in Germany and I don't remember seeing any heroic statues of Heinrich Himmler along with the excuse that "it's honoring our traditions."

glamourdammerung September 5, 2012 at 6:48 pm

I disagree strongly with your stance about shooting the traitors.

You hang criminals.

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 3:41 pm

What if these Armed Vigilantes drive something other than Suburbans; say Yukons, Escalades, Expeditions, or Armadas? What shall we call them then?

grex1949 September 5, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Priapists?

grex1949 September 5, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Tundra Terrorists?

grex1949 September 5, 2012 at 5:04 pm

smartSnipers?

bobbert September 5, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Assholes.

Oblios_Cap September 5, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Don't you fret none. Doctor Who will save us, again.

tihond September 5, 2012 at 4:47 pm

BUT *SPOILER* No one can remember him.

poorgradstudent September 5, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I like to think of a bright future in the imperial harem of the Gay Caliphate in what used to be southern California.

Nostrildamus September 5, 2012 at 3:45 pm

He doesn’t LIKE writing this stuff, but he has to take a cold hard look at reality…

I suspect he takes a lot more looks are hot & hard reality. Late at night. On the intertoobz.

Barrelhse September 5, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I can't wait for these bozos to attack Fort Sumter.

Generation[redacted] September 5, 2012 at 4:36 pm

I only hope the tour guides get out in time.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 5, 2012 at 3:46 pm

And people thought I was crazy when I built my own stealth bomber out of cardboard and chicken wire! Well the joke will be on them. Death from Above you MUYs!

pdiddycornchips September 5, 2012 at 3:49 pm

This is very bad news for Wayne Brady.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 5, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Wayne Brady may have to choke a bitch.

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 3:51 pm

This guy's mom should take away his DVDs of Road Warrior and Escape from L.A.

kittensdontlie September 5, 2012 at 3:51 pm

"America is water long over the dam and gone from our sight…"

Then why would a "prudent American….trim his sails accordingly" when all the damn water is gone??!! Oh boy….

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Only an eleetist would point out a mixed metaphor!

kittensdontlie September 5, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Guilty, but my sailboat is as old as Vlad, and has not aged as gracefully.

BlueStateLibel September 5, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Couldn't we just hang burn down the NYSE? It would save a lot of time, money and clips.

tigernole September 5, 2012 at 3:57 pm

during trading hours?

ChrisM2011 September 5, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I'm thinking the correct term will probably be Suburban Armed Rapists/Robbers, or SARs!

Estproph September 5, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Today started with a video diatribe of why we all should claim to be Sovereign Citizens. Then there was that McNaughton spew in the form of a "painting". Now the freepcreeps are jizzing all over the internet at the thought of being the first kind on their block to bag their own neegra. Is today National Stupid Day? I feel like I've been dipped in pus.

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Just watch Elizabeth Warren at the DNC tonight and all will be well.

mrpuma2u September 5, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Now THAT will have some fap factor.

Designer_Rants September 5, 2012 at 3:54 pm

I think this Bracken writes all the Walking Dead episodes – which are horrible, but I still watch them. Seriously, though, change out the zombies with the blahs, and you get an idea of how much regard Bracken holds for his fellow humans with different skin colors – he thinks they're subhuman, worthless, and dangerous.

Cleopatriot September 5, 2012 at 3:55 pm

This time we just let them go. They can have a hunk of the southeastern part of the country and lets see how long they last without the government's handouts to those states.

HogeyeGrex September 5, 2012 at 3:55 pm
Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Maybe he meant George Lincoln Rockwell. Easy enough mistake.

(No, I didn't expect to make that comment twice in one day, either)

TribecaMike September 5, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Had to be a a mistake. Norman Rockwell was born in New York City and died in Massachusetts, ergo a raving liberal.

redarmyzombie September 6, 2012 at 4:11 am

All of them, Katie?

RadioBowels September 5, 2012 at 3:57 pm

So according to Bracken, racism is the easy way.

fawkedifiknow September 5, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Needs more tin foil.

pdiddycornchips September 5, 2012 at 4:01 pm

" Mr. Bracken believes that the coming Troubles will be ignited when “a cascading economic crisis, even a temporary one, leads to millions of EBT (electronic benefit transfer) cards flashing nothing but zeroes” and/or the supermarkets stop accepting the worthless funds that are not backed up by gold or something"

And why would just the EBT's not work? The only way that makes any sense at all is if our currency is so devalued that merchants can't use it to buy from their suppliers. If that were to happen, it would be the bankers rioting as they see their billions in dollar denominated assets sink like the Titanic. Money, how does it work?

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Yeah, that's sort of the "Shhh–he's on a roll" for the whole piece.

pdiddycornchips September 5, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Doktor, OT but here's a fun story. Seems our friend in AZ isn't just anti-muslim, she's pro baby killer.
http://tucsoncitizen.com/hispanic-politico/2012/0

Generation[redacted] September 5, 2012 at 4:10 pm

EBTs won't work because President Romney used all that money for tax cuts, obvs.

IonaTrailer September 5, 2012 at 4:03 pm

FYI – fun fact – I work for a large County government. We actually *want* to give people food stamps, because the states get money back from the Federal government for Food Stamps! But the Freepers obviously are unaware of this fact.

So don't bother them with facts, they're in their own little bizarro world.

mrpuma2u September 5, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Yes facts like those and that most red states get more in federal money than they contribute. Realities like this are too much for these Rambo/Expendable wannabees.

Guppy September 5, 2012 at 4:05 pm

So… Assad's supporters are SAVs? How's that working out?

GhostBuggy September 5, 2012 at 4:07 pm

I like how the innocent whites keep driving to their jobs as civilization collapses around them.

Jus_Wonderin September 5, 2012 at 4:24 pm

That's probably just the job creators.

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 4:26 pm

They too are sheeple. The smart ones have been stockpiling food and weapons, and reading Free Republic of course.

Oh, and masturbating furiously.

grex1949 September 5, 2012 at 4:58 pm

You expect them to use public transportation or bicycles to get to work?

Generation[redacted] September 5, 2012 at 4:08 pm

This just reminds me of that scene from Blazing Saddles.

"The sheriff is a MUY–" GONG!

OneYieldRegular September 5, 2012 at 4:12 pm

The Paranoid Style of American political literature is in serious need of a paranoid style manual.

sullivanst September 5, 2012 at 5:01 pm

A style manual? How're you going to sell one of those to these guys without them deciding that you're trying to imply mind control and brainwash on them by controlling grammar?

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 5:04 pm

If you want to take away my run-on sentences, you'll have to pry them from my ccold, dead, hands, also the zoo has an African Lion the president is a lyin' African don't tread on me!!!!!!

Incitefully_Joe September 5, 2012 at 4:14 pm

So what are all the white people doing when money collapses and food no longer exists? The ones that don't have Glenn Beck bunkers, I mean. It seems like looting would be the more reasonable responses.

Oh wait, only blah people loot. White people "find supplies".

tihond September 5, 2012 at 4:51 pm

"Forage": White people "forage"

barto September 5, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Sr. Bracken es MUY macho!

Limeylizzie September 5, 2012 at 4:15 pm

If this happens in Harlem I am joining with the MUYs because they will be much more attractive and have less body fat than the people from NJ, Prommie excepted.

finallyhappy September 5, 2012 at 4:44 pm

I'm right next to DC and I know who I'm standing with!!

Fox n Fiends September 5, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Didn't Charlie Manson think all this shit up 40 years ago?

TribecaMike September 5, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Yes, but at least he had the excuse of being rejected by the Beach Boys.

Generation[redacted] September 5, 2012 at 4:18 pm

The sniper ambush stops the flash mob cold in its tracks as the uninjured flee in terror, leaving their erstwhile comrades back on the ground bleeding.

That'll teach 'em to perform a choreographed piece to the Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling"

GeorgiaBurning September 5, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Does this guy have a clue as to how these "SAV" units are going to stay gassed up and armed for more than a day or two? Pretty easy to disable a refinery, and stop the fuel trucks. When that happens you're hoarding the rounds to use on each other.

TootsStansbury September 5, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Shambling zombie Jeebus. I have relatives who read this site. Is it all like this? Sorry, I'm afraid to look for myself.

sullivanst September 5, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Pretty much, from what I recall of the very few times I've dared venture over there. Your fear is well justified.

barto September 5, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Who the hell is going to washing Ann's caddies through all this, not to mention Rafalca's (replacement)?

Jus_Wonderin September 5, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Doesn't it make you feel sorry for her?

Generation[redacted] September 5, 2012 at 4:48 pm

That's why being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest job ever!

grex1949 September 5, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Finally, someone shows some empathy for the ones who have the most to lose in CW2!

ThundercatHo September 5, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Uh, is "trim his sails accordingly" a euphemism of some kind? I didn't even bother to look it up the the Urban dictionary and couldn't find an online version of the Surburbanite dictionary.

Neoyorquino September 5, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I bet he wrote all of that with one hand.

Arborista September 5, 2012 at 4:29 pm

OT: Butterflies proliferating hereabouts, making me think of Steinbeck's comments about the monarchs in Pacific Grove (in 'Cannery Row &/or 'Sweet Thursday'), and also this Shins video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqYMRcnLU0o

Tundra Grifter September 5, 2012 at 4:30 pm

'WINGNUT THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS" – if the wingnutz had an original thought, it would, indeed, be an experiment.

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Ya know what makes me wanna "lock and load"? When we go more than 90 minutes between posts on a weekday during working hours.

Jus_Wonderin September 5, 2012 at 4:42 pm

It makes me want to punch Paul Ryan in the face.

bobbert September 5, 2012 at 8:47 pm

And this is different from any other time how?

IonaTrailer September 5, 2012 at 4:39 pm

OT: Gina Rinehart is shooting off her mouth again, She said her country's mining industry couldn't compete with nations that are willing to pay workers less than $2 a day for their sweat and labor. The implicit suggestion: Employers should be free to pay workers whatever they please. http://www.latimes.com/business/money/la-fi-mo-ri

LibertyLover September 5, 2012 at 6:04 pm

How about we create a Reality show called Celebrity Survivor? They wouldn't have to go to the jungle, they wouldn't even have to work, they just have to live on $2 a day.

ph7 September 5, 2012 at 4:40 pm

You think this is fun reading now, wait until November 7.

TootsStansbury September 5, 2012 at 4:49 pm

They're going ro lose their shit. Good thing they're old, scooter riding tards.

To, you silly phone, TO! I sound like scoobydo with the "ro".

littlebigdaddy September 5, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Does he have a separate line of steamy mano a mano sexytime porn? Cuz I'm thinking he must.

BaldarTFlagass September 5, 2012 at 4:44 pm

I think that's what Dok posted.

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 5:09 pm

did you see the cover of his latest "novel"?

emmelemm September 5, 2012 at 5:13 pm

… fap?

Nah, just kidding.

sullivanst September 5, 2012 at 5:18 pm

"Cay"?

Yeah, no goincidence there.

redarmyzombie September 6, 2012 at 4:17 am

Ohhhh no, I am NOT clicking on that website!

grex1949 September 5, 2012 at 4:42 pm

I was gratified to learn that the sniper pickup will not exceed the speed limit as it leaves the murder scene the author described. SOMEONE, at least, has respect for law and order, even in the throes of CW2!

LibertyLover September 5, 2012 at 6:05 pm

There are speed bumps on those streets, friend, they might ruin their mega-shocks.

clblabin September 5, 2012 at 4:47 pm

I love how even in the midst of the Great Race War, they still imagine that suburbanites will make long commutes to work downtown.

whatupirondog September 5, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Don't forget to check out his Civil War 2 cube:
http://westernrifleshooters.files.wordpress.com/2

EAT YOUR HEART OUT GENE RAY

emmelemm September 5, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Holy shit holy shit holy shit what is that?

"I'll just make a nonsensical diagram. That will make people think I'm smart."

SeanMEnright September 5, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Actually Gun Oil (www.gunoil.com) is a fantastic lubricant!

TribecaMike September 5, 2012 at 4:53 pm

John "Red Dawn" Milius has a lot to answer for. That goes double for that John of Patmos guy.

ttommyunger September 5, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Lubricant? You can use lubricant? My dick is smiling for the first time in years!

tihond September 5, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Fuck it, if the country goes full civil war, I'll sell out as much of the south to the Mexican Drug Cartels as they want.

DahBoner September 5, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Well, they're gonna have to use those plastic SPORKS from Chick-Fill-A, because Obama alteady confiscated all their guns after the first election…

ElPinche September 5, 2012 at 5:10 pm

I ashamed to say this ,but i love reading Freeper comments. Some of the commenters are so unbelievably, over-the-top racist. It's like watching Honey Boo Boo.

Forget riots and civil war, the most horrifying thing you can do to a racist Freeper is to place him in the middle of the Democratic convention audience full of smart, happy liberal minorities during an Michelle Obama speech. He'd faint and drown in his own poop.

TribecaMike September 5, 2012 at 5:18 pm

I was looking forward to the good Doktor's latest essay being about Emma Bovary as transgressive masturbator, but you take what you can get.

emmelemm September 5, 2012 at 5:28 pm

I'd read that.

Oooh, if only I had a lot of dough… wasn't Rebecca offering "post on any subject you want" if you donated big to the Paypal link?

owhatever September 5, 2012 at 5:25 pm

This looming disaster will make Bitcoins even more valuable.

sullivanst September 5, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Yes, when the internet goes down they'll be more valuable pound-for-pound than unicorn horn.

Steverino247 September 5, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Friends, just because they're armed doesn't mean they can hit anything. It takes a lot of training and ammo to get good at hitting targets, let alone humans trying to avoid being shot and who occasionally shoot back.

This is why we invented artillery.

TribecaMike September 5, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Idiots. We all know the next civil war will be caused by Sandra Bernhard's rabid army of loyal followers.

ttommyunger September 5, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Walter Mitty lives!

Doktor Zoom September 5, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Ta-pocketta-pocketta

bobbert September 5, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Queep

Jukesgrrl September 5, 2012 at 6:35 pm

I don't care for this MUY shit. Many of us Wimminz and Oldz area also Urban and we are also mad as hell. He better start worrying about the OWs, too.

glamourdammerung September 5, 2012 at 6:49 pm

And like we were saying, we definitely do not "love America like they do".

TribecaMike September 5, 2012 at 7:05 pm

But is it art?

C_R_Eature September 5, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Oho, yes Dok – I knew you would post on this. Thanks.

I don't have much to add to the Most Excellent commentary above except this:

All those Freepers that are looking forward to the Second Civil War should really try one out for size first. Syria comes to mind – I understand that the Plucky Rebel Forces could really use a hand against the Despotic Government. Go join up. Perhaps then you'll get your fill of horror, devastation, cruelty and piles of dead civilians.

Perhaps then they'd shut up and leave us alone.

Butch_Wagstaff September 5, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Gah. I just saw some of the pics from Aleppo today.

C_R_Eature September 5, 2012 at 8:48 pm

They're truly horrible. I can barely stand listening to it everyday.

Incitefully_Joe September 5, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Incidentally, M.U.Y. is the name of my Old-School Chicano Hip-Hop group.

unclejeems September 5, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Say, maybe John Husted could use some of those SAVs to keep keep the blahs and the MUYs and others of their persuasion (Democrats) away from the polls in November. I mean, a little practice never hurt. You just never know when they'll be needed for the Big One.

ChicagoLory September 5, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Those excerpts sound like a plan for genocide.

Juicy_Stalin September 5, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Of course "MUY" is in no way to be perceived as having any similarity to 'moolie'. Mr Bracken isn't even italian!

Stevola September 6, 2012 at 12:46 am

SAVs should be known as Suburban Armed Patriots instead. It makes a better acronym.

Negropolis September 6, 2012 at 1:56 am

You might be a redneck, if…

HistoriCat September 6, 2012 at 9:31 am

This book sounds like Fifty Shades of Grey but without the redeeming artistic merit.

Nesnora September 6, 2012 at 10:33 am

“Bunch together a group of people deliberately chosen for strong religious feelings, and you have a practical guarantee of dark morbidities expressed in crime, perversion, and insanity.” — H.P. Lovecraft

notanncoulter September 6, 2012 at 12:29 pm

he's just looking to make a crappy movie starring Chuck Norris.
we'll call it "1000 Years of Darkness: Part One: The Dark One Is Re-Anointed"
cuz y'know… it's franchise-worthy stufff.

HELisforHEL September 6, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Don't forget to include Steven Seagall in the cast…BOX OFFICE BOFFO!!

Limeylizzie September 5, 2012 at 4:43 pm

He liked him when he was on Die Hard but by the time he did Hudson Hawk he had become a movie star.

schvitzatura September 5, 2012 at 5:17 pm

I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Teatardism, Dude, at least it's an ethos…

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