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chelly chelleWelcome, Wonketeers! This is night one of the Democratic National Convention, where principled leaders get together to discuss a bold future for liberali…liber…

HAHAHAHAHAHA they’re totally going to pander for independent voters and toss out red meat, but everyone there is a vegan, so it’s dyed tofu.

Naturally dyed tofu, none of that Red-5. Monster.
9:03 PM – TED STRICKLAND IS GIVING A LITERAL SHOUTOUT TO ALL OF OHIO. (Disclaimer: he is my former boss and I love him.)

9:06 PM – Someone apparently showed Ted the Urban Dictionary definition of “HAM”. And he then said, “I would like to go that.”

9:08 PM – Kathleen Sebelius is out, I wonder when she’s going to burn a crucifix, hm?

9:10 PM – “Nixoncare”? Damn, Richard Nixon is ghost-taping her dad right now.

9:11 PM – Insurance companies can no longer discriminate against women, but they probably can against men, now, certainly. #WarOnMen

9:13 PM – It would have been great if someone had explained all of this to the American public sometime between 2009 and RIGHT NOW.

9:14 PM – I know you’re bored as hell right now, but this is electric for Kathleen Sebelius.

9:16 PM – Rahm Emanuel on to “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin'”, and I hope that somethin’ is an unnecessary fight with a fast-food chain.

9:17 PM – We can rest easy – if there were easy solutions, Rahm would have found them!

9:22 PM – MC Hammer is at the DNC!!!

9:24 PM – I miss the RNC’s constant repetition of a single edited soundbite. All these different things being said are confusing and scary.

9:26 PM – Kumar’s on stage! I guess Obama let him out of Gitmo, then? CHANGE.

9:27 PM – Kal Penn makes an empty chair joke and just lost the lead in Million Dollar Baby 2: Billion Dollar Tween.

9:28 PM – Nobody better to tell me about how well Obama has done than a rich actor who left a show I really liked to go do something for Obama that I can’t really remember or define.

9:31 PM – Mark this as the first moment a Twitter hashtag was ever sardonically distributed via political convention. We are all heroes today.

9:33 PM – It is time for some token diversity as the Obamas bring out what I’m sure are hired family members.

9:37 PM – Barack Obama is talking about women eating bacon at home, which I’m entirely sure is sexist. Romney bounce?

9:39 PM – Lilly Ledbetter is onstage, and will be the only person with a Texas accent at this entire convention.

9:45 PM – If Barack Obama continues to intervene in every Supreme Court decision and naming laws after the losers, he will be President for Life!

9:49 PM – I am watching a convention where people are steadfastly supporting ¬†marriage and government health insurance but hahaha it’s gay healthcare for everyone! Paul Ryan must feel lost.

9:52 PM – Not to bring policy into this, but Obamacare doesn’t actually cover everyone. It covers a lot of people! And a lot more than before! But not everyone.

9:57 PM – Deval Patrick pretends that the “I Have A Dream” speech was about more than Americans needing to avoid talking about or noticing race. FOR SHAME, BLACK MITT ROMNEY.

9:59 PM – Martin O’Malley kind of has a bootleg Michael Caine thing going on.

10:01 PM – Martin O’Malley should leave to Aaliyah’s “Back and Forth”. Just saying.

10:02 PM – O’Malley is so goddamn happy to be giving the message line over and over again.

10:07 PM – Tim Duncan’s mayor is on!

10:08 PM – Oh, wait, that wasn’t him, that was his…identical twin? Democrats couldn’t even find different-looking Hispanics for prime time???

10:11 PM – There should be a third Castro sibling, an evil anarchist Castro sibling. Also Julian > Joaquin.

10:12 PM – There’s so much aspiration and wishing at this thing. This convention needs more looming evil on the horizon.

10:14 PM – “We know you can’t be pro-business unless you’re pro-education.” A number of Southeast Asian factories would like to have a word with you.

10:18 PM – Castro pulled the funniest joke any Castro has pulled since Fidel convinced us he was still alive.

10:24 PM – This Julian Castro fellow will be on many of your television talky shows in the near future, I predict. Or his brother when he’s got the runs.

10:26 PM – So, an unknown guy comes out and gives a really quite great speech about his mother, using Spanish, supporting his nominee, and hey, what’s Chris Christie yelling at right now?

10:27 PM – EVERY PART OF ME THAT WANTS TO MAKE BABIES WANTS TO MAKE SURE THE BABIES ARE AS CUTE AS THAT LITTLE GIRL. Fuck, I’m 30 now.

10:30 PM – Michelle Obama intro video. Surprisingly devoid of her snatching donuts out of fat children’s hands.

10:33 PM – Can we vote for Michelle Obama for first lady as like a separate thing?

10:38 PM – This lady is voting for Michelle Obama just because Michelle wrote a letter back to her, but I get letters back from Sallie Mae all the time and I am not voting for her.

10:40 PM – Fact Check: some injured soldiers may not run marathons. (Submitted by Paul Ryan.)

10:42 PM – Michelle Obama talks about her daughters and how much she loves them. Fact check: she does love them.

10:43 PM – Michelle Obama talks about her and Barack being poor. Not Romney poor, where they lived in an apartment instead of a home, but like, actually poor.

10:45 PM – Michelle said, “Barack was brought up all the way across the country,” but you know she was going to say “the Kenya”. ALMOST, BIRTHERS!

10:48 PM – This speech is basically going right at everything Ann and Mitt said, but never once saying the word “Romney” or “rich-ass white folk”. Remarkable restraint.

10:51 PM – I am so bored by nobody talking about who actually built things. PICK IT UP, FITNESS LADY.

10:55 PM – Michelle Obama defends community organizing? Is there nothing she cannot do? Besides eat fried foods?

10:57 PM – I can’t believe all the class warfare that isn’t in this speech.

11:02 PM – Some might say Michelle Obama ran over, I say she made time stop.

11:04 PM – C-SPAN just did a series of shots of people trying to pretend they aren’t crying.

11:06 PM – And I’m out. I’m not going to remark on the fact that Michelle Obama gave a legitimately great speech that was a stirring embrace of American values and ideals, or that she is awesome. Must maintain cynicism. Look over there. LOOK OVER THERE NOW.

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