literary spats

American Literature Saved! Bin Laden Death Porn Displaces Actual Porn As #1 Best-Seller

Really disappointed in the total lack of photoshopped Osama-in-S-and-M-gear pics out thereIf you ever want to weep bitter tears for the death of American good taste, just purchase a coach class domestic airline ticket and take a little trip across Real America. You will discover that literally dozens of your fellow airline passengers are openly reading 50 Shades Of Grey or its offshoots, a terribly written series of ostensibly erotic pamphlets that extol the virtues of S&M and straightfacedly present the word “argh” as an expression of erotic pleasure. These books originated as Twilight fan fiction but then had even that pleasure stripped from them before being published and becoming inexplicable worldwide best-sellers. But now, at least according to Amazon’s inscrutable book-ranking metrics, there’s a new timeless tale that Americans want to hear about: Osama bin Laden getting shot in the face by a bunch of Navy SEALs. Have we as a people finally decided that we prefer death to sex?

So today is the day that No Easy Day, former SEAL Team Six team member “Mark Owen”‘s new book about the Bin Laden raid, hits bookstores everywhere (click that link and buy if you want Wonkette to get affiliate moneeeze). And it’s also the day that everyone continues to get mad about “Mark Owen”‘s new book about the Bin Laden raid! Look, there’s already No Easy Op, which is an “unclassified analysis” of No Easy Day and “the politics behind his narrative” by … some other special ops guys, we guess?

Oh, also, everyone else in Seal Team Six apparently hates “Mark Owen,” and the military is still miffed that “Mark Owen” failed to clear his new book with the Pentagon, but “Mark Owen”‘s lawyer says that those rules were really more kind of suggestions, so he should be able to publish the book, for freedom. “Mark Owen”‘s lawyer was also Karl Rove’s lawyer during the whole Valerie Plame contretemps, so we are maybe beginning to get a better sense of the “the politics behind his narrative” now?

But, whatever, more people are now masturbating to ghostwritten stories of American hunks shooting dudes in the face than they are to Internet fan fiction that features the phrase “entrance of my sex,” so this is basically the greatest day in American history. [Reuters]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    I'm still waiting to see Breitbart's long form death certificate.

    • Terry

      Start a rumor via forwarded email that suggests his grave is empty and that it's all part of a vast liberal conspiracy. That should be fun.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    50 Shades was the single worst book, porn or otherwise (and that it beats all porn books is saying a lot) I've ever read, save Liberal Fascism by Fudgie the Goldberg.

    • IonaTrailer

      Holycrapholyshitholycrapholyshit.

    • MissTaken

      You actually read that shit? I downloaded the freebie sample to my ipad but can't bring myself to look at it. And I read lots of crappy romance (translation: porn for women) novels.

      • IonaTrailer

        (Shudders, weeping) YES! I read it.
        There, I don't feel so dirty now.

        It was the worst shite I've ever read.
        (Actually I listened to it on my iphone. And THAT was even worse, believe it or not.)

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          I got four pages in, literally, before I reached that conclusion. Even porn novels try to have some internal consistency, but this broad, who was substituting for her co-worker and wondered what "Mr Gray" was going to be like, ON THE WAY TO INTERVIEW HIM!, took me right out of the story.

          Even the sex was boring. Christ, I've written hotter emails to women I've dated.

          And yes, MissT, I read the entire thing, cuz I was asked to by someone who was interested in me for more than my massive manly brain. Needless to say, she never got a taste of me.

        • Lazy Media

          You actually read Jonah Lardberg's book? Why do you hate yourself?

    • Callyson

      I can't get past the name to be curious enough to take a peek. Really? 50 Shades of Grey? That's supposed to be a turn-on because…?

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Lead Bukkake always had killer sales.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Wonkette needs an iTunes link, cuz some of us won't read paper anymore. It's filthy, disgusting, and gives us bleedings.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    "Have we as a people finally decided that we prefer death to sex?"
    Yes, where have you been for the past 300 years?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      A glance at network prime time television would lend credence to this conclusion

  • 1stNewtontheMoon

    i'd be happy to buy real porn from a wonkette link if that means wonkette can get affiliate dolla dolla bills.

    • kittensdontlie

      I'd only be happy with the real deal—Wonkette porn.

  • Estproph

    Fifty Shades Of I Don't Give A Fuck.

    • rickmaci

      Fifty Sades of Oh Great Another Badly Written Sex Titillation Novel.

      • emmelemm

        I think I see what you did there…

    • Callyson

      Now, *there's* a book whose title makes me want to read it…

  • sbj1964

    Try being married for 13 years sex,and death are a fantasy.

    • rickmaci

      No. The death part is real.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Try 23! Mr. TB and I are lucky if we even grunt at each other as we pass one another in the hallway.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I tried telling my ex that farting was a way of saying "Good Morning."

    • Warwhatgoodfor

      In which order, pray tell?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Argh

    • nonbeliever7

      So…. was it good for you?

  • SorosBot

    Who was that President who was responsible for bin Laden's death again?

    • no_gravity

      Reagan.

      • SorosBot

        I thought he was just the one who gave bin Laden all that money and weapons.

        • AbandonHope_

          Without which bin Laden wouldn't have been a big ol' terrorist threat, and nobody would've had to kill him, thus Reagan was directly responsible for his death! It's called LOGIC, libtards!

        • Terry

          Recall also that Clinton was accused "wagging the dog" when he tried to hit bin Laden with a few missiles during the 90's.

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Shaft!!

    • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Ronald Reagan?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Ummmmmmmm….no, don't tell me, I should know this…..uhhhhhhhhhhh….

      I know!

      Hitler?

    • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

      the tv show, "24"?

      • kittensdontlie

        President Bin Laden! What did I win?!

        • Callyson

          A copy of "50 Shades of Grey."

  • no_gravity

    Republicans have always preferred death to sex.

    • BornInATrailer

      So preferring the "little death" makes me a moderate?

    • emmelemm

      I prefer death to having sex with a Republican.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        What if you had sex with him but bit his head off?

    • rickmaci

      If you have ever fucked a Republican, you know that with them the two are pretty much synonymous.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Those "50 shades" excerpts were awful enough to have been written by Nooningshire. I was not aware that it was a book of pirate sex, also.

    • emmelemm

      Pirate sex actually sounds hot. 50 Shades of Grey – not so much.

    • Terry

      Features the kinky use of a peg leg for a start.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Amazon offers some pirate sex books, but they seem mostly to be man on man.

      Probably like the real thing, back in the day. At least the buccaneers, if not the pirates.

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Never has the difference between male and female porn been more clear.

  • IonaTrailer

    “Mark Owen”‘s lawyer was also Karl Rove’s lawyer during the whole Valerie Plame contretemps, …

    (Robert Luskin?)

  • edgydrifter

    Now, Navy SEALs literally fucking Osama Bin Laden's skull–THAT would be a bestseller in Real America.

    • HogeyeGrex

      USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!

    • Fairtackle

      "Argh", oops. sorry. Let me get a tissue.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    "argh?" I thought Garfield was just hating on Mondays. i'm so naive.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, considering the rest of the book, that might be where "she" ripped it off from.

    • anniegetyerfun

      It's actually kind of amazing that it wasn't "Ack!", now that I think about it.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Fifty Shots of Grey Bullets.

    • rickmaci

      Fifty Shots of Grey Goose?

  • RadioBowels

    NAILIN' PALIN LIBEL!

  • CapnFatback

    C'mon, Josh. If this were REAL porn it'd have more appropriate names and titles. To wit:

    "Mark Blowin' of Seal Team Sex's No Easy Lay hits the bookshelves today. Hard."

    You're welcome.

  • Come here a minute

    Next up: "GM Is Still Alive" porn.

  • Oblios_Cap

    And they say that the British are all insane…

  • MissTaken

    50 Shards of Gray Matter

    • mrpuma2u

      I think most of the 50 shades readers would have a hard time scraping up 50 high functioning neurons.

      • miss_grundy

        Actually, I was curious and I read the first one and it is more soap opera than porn. It is also very Twilighty, in the sense that you have the 28 year old guy who is into S & M and likes to find female college grads who would like to be spanked.

        It's a shame if the Mark Owen's book turns out to be popular with the Faux News set because I was hoping it would show Bammerz in a good light. I guess we'll have to wait for the movie in December from Kathryn Bigelow.

        • mrpuma2u

          Curious?? Hee hee. You are more tenacious than me, I could not make it more than about 20 ish pages into 50 shades of crap grammar before I gagged and broke out in hives. OK maybe not hives, but it made me feel like I needed to shower. I likes me some erotica, but I just could not make it through that stuff.

    • bobbert

      A Million Little Pieces of Gray.

  • BloviateMe

    Osama bin Wankin'
    Whora Bora

    So Awesome.

    …if the fuckers from The Post would lend their services to Hallmark, I'd actually look forward to buying birthday cards.

  • vulpes82

    Eros and Thanatos, man. Eros and Thanatos.

  • Baba_NinjaCat12

    Why did the Navy Seals shot Osama Bin Laden?

    His third leg was mistaken as a weapon.

  • Boojum

    In a word, skullfucking is your new money shot.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    My personal favorite, "The Da Vinci Code" was perfect, in that it had everything. Deplorably written, it had sex, murder, iconic artists of history, earth-shattering revelations regarding religion, and it was all true! America always gets it right when it comes to literature selections.

    • Ruhe

      But I don't think either "Fifty Shades" or "Da Vinci Code" have given rise to political movements, so I think "Atlas Shrugged" is still the clubhouse leader for horrible-but-influential American literature.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Well, they say that Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange Land" had no small amount of influence on Charles Manson. Which is worse, Manson Family or Greenspan economics? I'd call it a toss-up.

  • bitchincamaro2

    I came out of the bathroom, my husband said, "I'll get your buttons."

    I said, "Hey, I'm naked!"

    -Joan Rivers

    • Nopantsmcgee

      I love Fresh Air, too. :)

  • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

    America: 50 Shades of Retard.

  • Buzz Feedback

    "The streets shall flow with the blood of the non-believers! Now take off your top."

  • proudgrampa

    Whora Bora? Are you fucking kidding me??

    Argh.

    Indeed.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Look this is a newspaper whose most famous cover was "Headless Man Found In Topless Bar", so take it as you will. And yes, that's precisely what they published.

  • Trannysurprise

    50 Shades of Vincent Gray?

    Argh.

  • mrpuma2u

    As a recovering Navy vet I hope they nail this guy on disclosing confidential info. He had to have signed an agreement about that, as he would have had a serious security clearance as a SEAL. What a whore.

    Full disclosure, I was not a SEAL, we referred to them (behind their backs natch) as "snake eaters".

    • IonaTrailer

      "[Robert Luskin] claimed that a non-disclosure agreement signed by the former SEAL "invites, but by no means requires Mr. Owen to submit materials for pre-publication review." Reuters

      I have a feeling someone will be "invited' to a little get together held at Bradley Manning's house….

      • mrpuma2u

        Maybe some of Eric Holders thugs will take a brief hiatus from clubbing/tasing/locking up medical marijuana growing hippies, and bust this profiteering book whore's balls for a while.

        • IonaTrailer

          A friend who is a rich doctor and a big donor to OB's campaign is so pissed about the drug war, he wrote a long letter explaining how Obama needs to lay off the pot heads. My friend regularly suggests it for pain – (he's an orthopedic surgeon).

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I am currently working on a porny version of Osama getting shot in the face. My book will sell better than the bible, and be more believable.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Terror bukkake?

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        "Seal Team Sex: Emission Accomplished"

        • anniegetyerfun

          Put me down for two.

  • IonaTrailer

    "Terrorists are like King Salmon, life is good until the Seals show up"

  • SoBeach

    The only way they'll sell a bunch of copies is if they claim the book is anti-Obama and advertise it on talk radio. Otherwise, meh. There are whole sections at the bookstore filled with lurid special ops tales designed to give armchair badasses chubbies. What's one more?

  • HogeyeGrex

    At least there's no online video of Gilbert Gottfried reading the snuffing Osama scenes.

    • IonaTrailer

      OHMIGOD ! Gilbert Gottfried on You Tube reading 50 Shades of Grey is the fucking BEST!
      I love me some Gilbert Gottfried.

      • BloviateMe

        I know, right?!? Gilbert's epic.

        I mean, if something's really worth saying, then it's definitely worth being screamed into your face.

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      I'd listen to the Werner Hertzog version.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    What is the *opposite* of fapping¹? Cause that's what I'd expect to hear some place far away where former wonk book reviewer Greer Mansfield, upon reading those 50 Shades nuggets, is experiencing relief he was not around to have to summon up this salty comparison.
    ———————————-
    ¹ Maybe "schadenfruh'd"?

  • FraAnima

    Fatimah gently peeled her burka back as Osama sat motionless. His cruel lips twisted in a smile as she revealed the thigh high latex boots that had been hidden beneath the fabric.

    "Allah akbar." he whispered hoarsely.

    To read more of this story, purchase "No Easy 50 Shades of Grey" by FraAnima.

    • mrpuma2u

      Already better than 50 shades. Bravo! I'd buy THAT for a dollar…

    • kittensdontlie

      Kitty (Kelly) Doesn't Lie in this exclusive report, "Is FraAnima, Mark Owens?". Available at your nearest Borders.

      • FraAnima

        Don't miss FraAnima/Mark Owens' next book, "Steam isn't the Only Thing that's Rising: Undercover(s) with Seal Team Six".

  • SaintRond

    We went, we saw, we shot him in the face, we left. The end.

    Thrilling. Simply thrilling.

    • Ruhe

      Vinni, Vidi, No more winky?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Tom Clancy could drag that out for another 700 pages, easy.

  • YasserArraFeck

    OBL getting shot in the face – a money shot we can all get behind

  • http://gorejusgeorge.tumblr.com CheeseBro69

    I wonder whats gonna displace No Easy Day?

    A Honey Boo Boo coloring book?

  • IncenseDebate

    From la petite mort to la grosse mort. Pardon my French.

  • CrunchyKnee

    I flew from Philly to Denver last week. The broad sitting across the isle from me was deep into one of those "50" books while her two future date rapers kicked the seats in front of them and generally raised all kinds of little kid hell. All I gotta say is thank you Mr. Bose for your noise cancelling headphones and thank you Mr. Mould for just releasing 'Silver Age'.

  • Misty Malarky

    Dear Penthouse Forum,

    I know this will sound unbelievable, but . . .

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Dear Fellow Airline Passenger,
      I never believed this would have happened to me, but…

    • Nibbler of Niblonia

      …It was just a typical day, landing my Black Hawk Helicopter in a Pakistan border-town, when all of a sudden…

    • proudgrampa

      "It was a dark and stormy night…"

  • Nopantsmcgee

    The mechanic told the penguin, "Looks like you just blew a seal", "Naw," said the penguin, "it's just a little ice cream."

    Aaaand scene.

  • owhatever

    Is there a Navy SEAL who has not yet written a book? What do they teach in basic training these days, creative writing? Oo-ah.

    • Terry

      Some might argue it's not-so-creative writing.

  • RadioBowels

    Osama liked sluts. Who knew?

  • mavenmaven

    Fifty Shades of Grey: bored housewife titillation.
    No Easy Way: bored husband titillation.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Mark Owen = Koch Owned?

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    In the minds of most conservatives death and sex are nearly indistinguishable concepts. Sort of like how the idea of 3 and 4 is the same for Paul Ryan. That's why he's the Very Serious Budget Blabbadiboo.

  • BlueStateLibel

    The banality of evil, the banality of bad fiction, sigh.

  • IncenseDebate

    Porn libel!

  • PinkoPopulist

    Violence > Sex

    'Merica!!!

  • TribecaMike

    The only thing of worth I learned from this book is that in the harems of Afghanistan all odalisques' boobs stand up like mountains when they lay on their backs. Oh, and their nipples shoot flames, so that's two things of worth.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    I stopped reading erotica after trying some as a teenager and finding out how boring it was — as for bin Laden snuff porn, I'll wait until Mark Bowden comes out with a book about it — I've yet to read anything as page-turning as Blackhawk Down, even though it didn't have a happy ending.

  • Guppy

    Internet fan fiction that features the phrase “entrance of my sex,”

    We at Wonkett prefer reading non-fiction sex accounts that involve "exits" more than "entrances."

    Besides, I'd rather such authors make a living peddling smut than pushing home schooling in South Carolina.

  • DahBoner

    Aren't these people supposed to be scribblin' ideas for new jobs money-making Ponzi schemes on the backs of chardoney-soaked napkins???

  • CogitoErgoSumo

    So, does that mean Obama is also the Pornographer-in Chief too?

  • Warwhatgoodfor

    "The only things certain in life are sex and death. Only after after death you don't throw up". Woody Allen before he went batshit insane and married his step daughter,forcing him to live in France, where apparently they understand things like raping thirteen year olds. If you're a famous movie person, that is.

  • bobbert

    Well, at least this should knock the shit out of the "Bin Laden was already dead" crowd.

    • HistoriCat

      My – we ARE optimistic!

  • ttommyunger

    I'm guessing the checks for all those pre-orders putting this book at #1 were signed by Koch-Suckers.