LITERARY SPATS  3:15 pm September 4, 2012

American Literature Saved! Bin Laden Death Porn Displaces Actual Porn As #1 Best-Seller

by Josh Fruhlinger

Really disappointed in the total lack of photoshopped Osama-in-S-and-M-gear pics out thereIf you ever want to weep bitter tears for the death of American good taste, just purchase a coach class domestic airline ticket and take a little trip across Real America. You will discover that literally dozens of your fellow airline passengers are openly reading 50 Shades Of Grey or its offshoots, a terribly written series of ostensibly erotic pamphlets that extol the virtues of S&M and straightfacedly present the word “argh” as an expression of erotic pleasure. These books originated as Twilight fan fiction but then had even that pleasure stripped from them before being published and becoming inexplicable worldwide best-sellers. But now, at least according to Amazon’s inscrutable book-ranking metrics, there’s a new timeless tale that Americans want to hear about: Osama bin Laden getting shot in the face by a bunch of Navy SEALs. Have we as a people finally decided that we prefer death to sex?

So today is the day that No Easy Day, former SEAL Team Six team member “Mark Owen”‘s new book about the Bin Laden raid, hits bookstores everywhere (click that link and buy if you want Wonkette to get affiliate moneeeze). And it’s also the day that everyone continues to get mad about “Mark Owen”‘s new book about the Bin Laden raid! Look, there’s already No Easy Op, which is an “unclassified analysis” of No Easy Day and “the politics behind his narrative” by … some other special ops guys, we guess?

Oh, also, everyone else in Seal Team Six apparently hates “Mark Owen,” and the military is still miffed that “Mark Owen” failed to clear his new book with the Pentagon, but “Mark Owen”‘s lawyer says that those rules were really more kind of suggestions, so he should be able to publish the book, for freedom. “Mark Owen”‘s lawyer was also Karl Rove’s lawyer during the whole Valerie Plame contretemps, so we are maybe beginning to get a better sense of the “the politics behind his narrative” now?

But, whatever, more people are now masturbating to ghostwritten stories of American hunks shooting dudes in the face than they are to Internet fan fiction that features the phrase “entrance of my sex,” so this is basically the greatest day in American history. [Reuters]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 128 comments }

nounverb911 September 4, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I'm still waiting to see Breitbart's long form death certificate.

Terry September 4, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Start a rumor via forwarded email that suggests his grave is empty and that it's all part of a vast liberal conspiracy. That should be fun.

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 3:18 pm

50 Shades was the single worst book, porn or otherwise (and that it beats all porn books is saying a lot) I've ever read, save Liberal Fascism by Fudgie the Goldberg.

IonaTrailer September 4, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Holycrapholyshitholycrapholyshit.

MissTaken September 4, 2012 at 3:35 pm

You actually read that shit? I downloaded the freebie sample to my ipad but can't bring myself to look at it. And I read lots of crappy romance (translation: porn for women) novels.

IonaTrailer September 4, 2012 at 3:39 pm

(Shudders, weeping) YES! I read it.
There, I don't feel so dirty now.

It was the worst shite I've ever read.
(Actually I listened to it on my iphone. And THAT was even worse, believe it or not.)

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 3:43 pm

I got four pages in, literally, before I reached that conclusion. Even porn novels try to have some internal consistency, but this broad, who was substituting for her co-worker and wondered what "Mr Gray" was going to be like, ON THE WAY TO INTERVIEW HIM!, took me right out of the story.

Even the sex was boring. Christ, I've written hotter emails to women I've dated.

And yes, MissT, I read the entire thing, cuz I was asked to by someone who was interested in me for more than my massive manly brain. Needless to say, she never got a taste of me.

Lazy Media September 4, 2012 at 8:45 pm

You actually read Jonah Lardberg's book? Why do you hate yourself?

Callyson September 4, 2012 at 3:56 pm

I can't get past the name to be curious enough to take a peek. Really? 50 Shades of Grey? That's supposed to be a turn-on because…?

ManchuCandidate September 4, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Lead Bukkake always had killer sales.

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Wonkette needs an iTunes link, cuz some of us won't read paper anymore. It's filthy, disgusting, and gives us bleedings.

iburl September 4, 2012 at 3:19 pm

"Have we as a people finally decided that we prefer death to sex?"
Yes, where have you been for the past 300 years?

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 3:29 pm

A glance at network prime time television would lend credence to this conclusion

1stNewtontheMoon September 4, 2012 at 3:20 pm

i'd be happy to buy real porn from a wonkette link if that means wonkette can get affiliate dolla dolla bills.

kittensdontlie September 4, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I'd only be happy with the real deal—Wonkette porn.

Estproph September 4, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Fifty Shades Of I Don't Give A Fuck.

rickmaci September 4, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Fifty Sades of Oh Great Another Badly Written Sex Titillation Novel.

emmelemm September 4, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I think I see what you did there…

Callyson September 4, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Now, *there's* a book whose title makes me want to read it…

sbj1964 September 4, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Try being married for 13 years sex,and death are a fantasy.

rickmaci September 4, 2012 at 3:30 pm

No. The death part is real.

Texan_Bulldog September 4, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Try 23! Mr. TB and I are lucky if we even grunt at each other as we pass one another in the hallway.

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I tried telling my ex that farting was a way of saying "Good Morning."

Warwhatgoodfor September 4, 2012 at 5:45 pm

In which order, pray tell?

Monsieur_Grumpe September 4, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Argh

nonbeliever7 September 4, 2012 at 3:51 pm

So…. was it good for you?

SorosBot September 4, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Who was that President who was responsible for bin Laden's death again?

no_gravity September 4, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Reagan.

SorosBot September 4, 2012 at 3:28 pm

I thought he was just the one who gave bin Laden all that money and weapons.

AbandonHope_ September 4, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Without which bin Laden wouldn't have been a big ol' terrorist threat, and nobody would've had to kill him, thus Reagan was directly responsible for his death! It's called LOGIC, libtards!

Terry September 4, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Recall also that Clinton was accused "wagging the dog" when he tried to hit bin Laden with a few missiles during the 90's.

ManchuCandidate September 4, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Shaft!!

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 4, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Ronald Reagan?

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Ummmmmmmm….no, don't tell me, I should know this…..uhhhhhhhhhhh….

I know!

Hitler?

Gratuitous World September 4, 2012 at 3:26 pm

the tv show, "24"?

kittensdontlie September 4, 2012 at 3:38 pm

President Bin Laden! What did I win?!

Callyson September 4, 2012 at 3:58 pm

A copy of "50 Shades of Grey."

no_gravity September 4, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Republicans have always preferred death to sex.

BornInATrailer September 4, 2012 at 3:29 pm

So preferring the "little death" makes me a moderate?

emmelemm September 4, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I prefer death to having sex with a Republican.

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 3:46 pm

What if you had sex with him but bit his head off?

rickmaci September 4, 2012 at 3:31 pm

If you have ever fucked a Republican, you know that with them the two are pretty much synonymous.

Chet Kincaid_ September 4, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Those "50 shades" excerpts were awful enough to have been written by Nooningshire. I was not aware that it was a book of pirate sex, also.

emmelemm September 4, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Pirate sex actually sounds hot. 50 Shades of Grey – not so much.

Terry September 4, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Features the kinky use of a peg leg for a start.

Tundra Grifter September 5, 2012 at 11:59 am

Amazon offers some pirate sex books, but they seem mostly to be man on man.

Probably like the real thing, back in the day. At least the buccaneers, if not the pirates.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 4, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Never has the difference between male and female porn been more clear.

IonaTrailer September 4, 2012 at 3:24 pm

“Mark Owen”‘s lawyer was also Karl Rove’s lawyer during the whole Valerie Plame contretemps, …

(Robert Luskin?)

edgydrifter September 4, 2012 at 3:24 pm

Now, Navy SEALs literally fucking Osama Bin Laden's skull–THAT would be a bestseller in Real America.

HogeyeGrex September 4, 2012 at 3:35 pm

USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!

Fairtackle September 4, 2012 at 4:56 pm

"Argh", oops. sorry. Let me get a tissue.

Gratuitous World September 4, 2012 at 3:25 pm

"argh?" I thought Garfield was just hating on Mondays. i'm so naive.

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Well, considering the rest of the book, that might be where "she" ripped it off from.

anniegetyerfun September 4, 2012 at 4:26 pm

It's actually kind of amazing that it wasn't "Ack!", now that I think about it.

OneYieldRegular September 4, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Fifty Shots of Grey Bullets.

rickmaci September 4, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Fifty Shots of Grey Goose?

RadioBowels September 4, 2012 at 3:25 pm

NAILIN' PALIN LIBEL!

CapnFatback September 4, 2012 at 3:26 pm

C'mon, Josh. If this were REAL porn it'd have more appropriate names and titles. To wit:

"Mark Blowin' of Seal Team Sex's No Easy Lay hits the bookshelves today. Hard."

You're welcome.

Come here a minute September 4, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Next up: "GM Is Still Alive" porn.

Oblios_Cap September 4, 2012 at 3:28 pm

And they say that the British are all insane…

MissTaken September 4, 2012 at 3:28 pm

50 Shards of Gray Matter

mrpuma2u September 4, 2012 at 3:33 pm

I think most of the 50 shades readers would have a hard time scraping up 50 high functioning neurons.

miss_grundy September 4, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Actually, I was curious and I read the first one and it is more soap opera than porn. It is also very Twilighty, in the sense that you have the 28 year old guy who is into S & M and likes to find female college grads who would like to be spanked.

It's a shame if the Mark Owen's book turns out to be popular with the Faux News set because I was hoping it would show Bammerz in a good light. I guess we'll have to wait for the movie in December from Kathryn Bigelow.

mrpuma2u September 4, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Curious?? Hee hee. You are more tenacious than me, I could not make it more than about 20 ish pages into 50 shades of crap grammar before I gagged and broke out in hives. OK maybe not hives, but it made me feel like I needed to shower. I likes me some erotica, but I just could not make it through that stuff.

bobbert September 4, 2012 at 10:25 pm

A Million Little Pieces of Gray.

BloviateMe September 4, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Osama bin Wankin'
Whora Bora

So Awesome.

…if the fuckers from The Post would lend their services to Hallmark, I'd actually look forward to buying birthday cards.

vulpes82 September 4, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Eros and Thanatos, man. Eros and Thanatos.

Baba_NinjaCat12 September 4, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Why did the Navy Seals shot Osama Bin Laden?

His third leg was mistaken as a weapon.

Boojum September 4, 2012 at 3:30 pm

In a word, skullfucking is your new money shot.

SheriffRoscoe September 4, 2012 at 3:30 pm

My personal favorite, "The Da Vinci Code" was perfect, in that it had everything. Deplorably written, it had sex, murder, iconic artists of history, earth-shattering revelations regarding religion, and it was all true! America always gets it right when it comes to literature selections.

Ruhe September 4, 2012 at 3:47 pm

But I don't think either "Fifty Shades" or "Da Vinci Code" have given rise to political movements, so I think "Atlas Shrugged" is still the clubhouse leader for horrible-but-influential American literature.

BaldarTFlagass September 4, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Well, they say that Heinlein's "Stranger in a Strange Land" had no small amount of influence on Charles Manson. Which is worse, Manson Family or Greenspan economics? I'd call it a toss-up.

bitchincamaro2 September 4, 2012 at 3:30 pm

I came out of the bathroom, my husband said, "I'll get your buttons."

I said, "Hey, I'm naked!"

-Joan Rivers

Nopantsmcgee September 4, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I love Fresh Air, too. :)

ChillBill September 4, 2012 at 3:30 pm

America: 50 Shades of Retard.

Buzz Feedback September 4, 2012 at 3:31 pm

"The streets shall flow with the blood of the non-believers! Now take off your top."

proudgrampa September 4, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Whora Bora? Are you fucking kidding me??

Argh.

Indeed.

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Look this is a newspaper whose most famous cover was "Headless Man Found In Topless Bar", so take it as you will. And yes, that's precisely what they published.

Trannysurprise September 4, 2012 at 3:32 pm

50 Shades of Vincent Gray?

Argh.

mrpuma2u September 4, 2012 at 3:32 pm

As a recovering Navy vet I hope they nail this guy on disclosing confidential info. He had to have signed an agreement about that, as he would have had a serious security clearance as a SEAL. What a whore.

Full disclosure, I was not a SEAL, we referred to them (behind their backs natch) as "snake eaters".

IonaTrailer September 4, 2012 at 3:37 pm

"[Robert Luskin] claimed that a non-disclosure agreement signed by the former SEAL "invites, but by no means requires Mr. Owen to submit materials for pre-publication review." Reuters

I have a feeling someone will be "invited' to a little get together held at Bradley Manning's house….

mrpuma2u September 4, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Maybe some of Eric Holders thugs will take a brief hiatus from clubbing/tasing/locking up medical marijuana growing hippies, and bust this profiteering book whore's balls for a while.

IonaTrailer September 4, 2012 at 3:52 pm

A friend who is a rich doctor and a big donor to OB's campaign is so pissed about the drug war, he wrote a long letter explaining how Obama needs to lay off the pot heads. My friend regularly suggests it for pain – (he's an orthopedic surgeon).

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 4, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I am currently working on a porny version of Osama getting shot in the face. My book will sell better than the bible, and be more believable.

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Terror bukkake?

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 4, 2012 at 3:54 pm

"Seal Team Sex: Emission Accomplished"

anniegetyerfun September 4, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Put me down for two.

IonaTrailer September 4, 2012 at 3:33 pm

"Terrorists are like King Salmon, life is good until the Seals show up"

SoBeach September 4, 2012 at 3:33 pm

The only way they'll sell a bunch of copies is if they claim the book is anti-Obama and advertise it on talk radio. Otherwise, meh. There are whole sections at the bookstore filled with lurid special ops tales designed to give armchair badasses chubbies. What's one more?

HogeyeGrex September 4, 2012 at 3:34 pm

At least there's no online video of Gilbert Gottfried reading the snuffing Osama scenes.

IonaTrailer September 4, 2012 at 3:44 pm

OHMIGOD ! Gilbert Gottfried on You Tube reading 50 Shades of Grey is the fucking BEST!
I love me some Gilbert Gottfried.

BloviateMe September 4, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I know, right?!? Gilbert's epic.

I mean, if something's really worth saying, then it's definitely worth being screamed into your face.

deanbooth September 4, 2012 at 5:54 pm

I'd listen to the Werner Hertzog version.

Mumbletypeg September 4, 2012 at 3:34 pm

What is the *opposite* of fapping¹? Cause that's what I'd expect to hear some place far away where former wonk book reviewer Greer Mansfield, upon reading those 50 Shades nuggets, is experiencing relief he was not around to have to summon up this salty comparison.
———————————-
¹ Maybe "schadenfruh'd"?

FraAnima September 4, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Fatimah gently peeled her burka back as Osama sat motionless. His cruel lips twisted in a smile as she revealed the thigh high latex boots that had been hidden beneath the fabric.

"Allah akbar." he whispered hoarsely.

To read more of this story, purchase "No Easy 50 Shades of Grey" by FraAnima.

mrpuma2u September 4, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Already better than 50 shades. Bravo! I'd buy THAT for a dollar…

kittensdontlie September 4, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Kitty (Kelly) Doesn't Lie in this exclusive report, "Is FraAnima, Mark Owens?". Available at your nearest Borders.

FraAnima September 4, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Don't miss FraAnima/Mark Owens' next book, "Steam isn't the Only Thing that's Rising: Undercover(s) with Seal Team Six".

SaintRond September 4, 2012 at 3:35 pm

We went, we saw, we shot him in the face, we left. The end.

Thrilling. Simply thrilling.

Ruhe September 4, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Vinni, Vidi, No more winky?

anniegetyerfun September 4, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Tom Clancy could drag that out for another 700 pages, easy.

YasserArraFeck September 4, 2012 at 3:35 pm

OBL getting shot in the face – a money shot we can all get behind

CheeseBro69 September 4, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I wonder whats gonna displace No Easy Day?

A Honey Boo Boo coloring book?

IncenseDebate September 4, 2012 at 3:37 pm

From la petite mort to la grosse mort. Pardon my French.

CrunchyKnee September 4, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I flew from Philly to Denver last week. The broad sitting across the isle from me was deep into one of those "50" books while her two future date rapers kicked the seats in front of them and generally raised all kinds of little kid hell. All I gotta say is thank you Mr. Bose for your noise cancelling headphones and thank you Mr. Mould for just releasing 'Silver Age'.

Misty Malarky September 4, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I know this will sound unbelievable, but . . .

BaldarTFlagass September 4, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Dear Fellow Airline Passenger,
I never believed this would have happened to me, but…

Nibbler of Niblonia September 4, 2012 at 3:53 pm

…It was just a typical day, landing my Black Hawk Helicopter in a Pakistan border-town, when all of a sudden…

proudgrampa September 4, 2012 at 4:00 pm

"It was a dark and stormy night…"

Nopantsmcgee September 4, 2012 at 3:44 pm

The mechanic told the penguin, "Looks like you just blew a seal", "Naw," said the penguin, "it's just a little ice cream."

Aaaand scene.

owhatever September 4, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Is there a Navy SEAL who has not yet written a book? What do they teach in basic training these days, creative writing? Oo-ah.

Terry September 4, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Some might argue it's not-so-creative writing.

RadioBowels September 4, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Osama liked sluts. Who knew?

mavenmaven September 4, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Fifty Shades of Grey: bored housewife titillation.
No Easy Way: bored husband titillation.

fawkedifiknow September 4, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Mark Owen = Koch Owned?

mrblifil September 4, 2012 at 3:56 pm

In the minds of most conservatives death and sex are nearly indistinguishable concepts. Sort of like how the idea of 3 and 4 is the same for Paul Ryan. That's why he's the Very Serious Budget Blabbadiboo.

BlueStateLibel September 4, 2012 at 4:00 pm

The banality of evil, the banality of bad fiction, sigh.

IncenseDebate September 4, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Porn libel!

PinkoPopulist September 4, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Violence > Sex

'Merica!!!

TribecaMike September 4, 2012 at 4:13 pm

The only thing of worth I learned from this book is that in the harems of Afghanistan all odalisques' boobs stand up like mountains when they lay on their backs. Oh, and their nipples shoot flames, so that's two things of worth.

SayItWithWookies September 4, 2012 at 4:15 pm

I stopped reading erotica after trying some as a teenager and finding out how boring it was — as for bin Laden snuff porn, I'll wait until Mark Bowden comes out with a book about it — I've yet to read anything as page-turning as Blackhawk Down, even though it didn't have a happy ending.

Guppy September 4, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Internet fan fiction that features the phrase “entrance of my sex,”

We at Wonkett prefer reading non-fiction sex accounts that involve "exits" more than "entrances."

Besides, I'd rather such authors make a living peddling smut than pushing home schooling in South Carolina.

DahBoner September 4, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Aren't these people supposed to be scribblin' ideas for new jobs money-making Ponzi schemes on the backs of chardoney-soaked napkins???

CogitoErgoSumo September 4, 2012 at 5:37 pm

So, does that mean Obama is also the Pornographer-in Chief too?

Warwhatgoodfor September 4, 2012 at 5:40 pm

"The only things certain in life are sex and death. Only after after death you don't throw up". Woody Allen before he went batshit insane and married his step daughter,forcing him to live in France, where apparently they understand things like raping thirteen year olds. If you're a famous movie person, that is.

bobbert September 4, 2012 at 10:34 pm

Well, at least this should knock the shit out of the "Bin Laden was already dead" crowd.

HistoriCat September 5, 2012 at 9:34 am

My – we ARE optimistic!

ttommyunger September 5, 2012 at 11:08 am

I'm guessing the checks for all those pre-orders putting this book at #1 were signed by Koch-Suckers.

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