THIS WEEK IN STIRRING ORATORY  12:01 pm September 4, 2012

Science: Mitt Romney’s RNC Speech Most Terrible In History

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Well-done, me!Oh dear, Miff Romney, you are just a horrible presidential candidate, and for once it is not just Your Wonkette that thinks so! No, according to “polls,” your speech was received worse than any since Bob Dole stood on stage and just repeated his own name for 142 minutes of Old Man smell. But let us consider together just why Miff Romney’s speech was so horribly bad!

First, he was introduced by people talking about their dead children. This makes sense, as he is Bizarro Barack Obama, and the opposite of Hope and Change is Mass Suicide and More Mass Suicide. Then, he talked about his own dad dying, and it was super-weird! Like, we get that is lovely (though obvs a complete lie) that his dad gave his moms a rose every morning of their marriage until the day he died, but IT IS WEIRD in your nomination acceptance speech to say “AND THAT’S HOW SHE FOUND OUT HE WAS DEAD.” Just weird! You are a weird, weird man! Seriously, you are All Three Weird Sisters, doubling and doubling and toiling and troubling, just stone cold bein’ a weird old witch lady. It is just how you do.

Then there were those faces. There were two faces: looking up, with his head tilted, and actually batting his eyelashes at the audience like some sort of prom queen, and the Tough Guy face. The Tough Guy face was the one he employed when spewing nonsense lies about Barry Bamz. The prom queen face was the one he made when taking a swipe at Jimmy Carter, because Miff Romney is a total statesman, who just cold calls a beloved former president a dumb fucker in his nomination acceptance speech. Dude? Don’t do that.

So you’ve taken a swipe at a global ambassador of goodness (Jimmy Carter), how about the planet? Would you like to take a swipe at the entire planet? “Barack Obama thinks he can stop the oceans from rising,” Ol’ Miff said, or something along those lines. “He wants to save the planet. I want to help you and your family.” (PARAPHRASE.) OK. Let’s unpack that for a mo: how ridiculous it is for the Messiah and The One to want to do something about climate change, when we will all have shiny new planets soon anyway! (AFTER MITT ROMNEY HAS BAPTIZED US MORMON.)

And then there were the ladies. Miff, what is the hardest job in the world? Is it being a Mom? YES. It is being a mom. Unless you are a mom who also actually has a job, and then it is not so hard to just be a mom. Because then it is like you have the hardest job in the world … plus another one? Right? Right? This thing on?

Better luck next time, Miff! Because this time, everyone hates you!

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 271 comments }

nounverb911 September 4, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Did he mention that some of his best friends like to visit their money in Switzerland?

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 12:09 pm

No, but he held a fundraiser on a yacht from the Caymans.

sullivanst September 4, 2012 at 12:23 pm

The Cracker Bay no less.

That was the kind of thing that makes you wonder whether he even really wants to be President. But then you remember how hard he's been trying, for so long and realize that actually, he's probably just totally incompetent. Which is better, somehow.

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Right? I mean, every candidate makes mistakes, which is why you hire handlers and advisors and I can guaran-damn-tee you, if Carville had been running his campaign, Cracker Bay would have been vetted and changed immedjately.

It's not like Mitt can't afford people, and he even gets to fire them on November 7, win lose or draw!

bitchincamaro2 September 4, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Silly sullivanst! It's "Cracker Boy"!

sullivanst September 4, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Silly bitchincamaro, crackers don't get called "Boy"

HistoriCat September 4, 2012 at 2:00 pm

The alternative to running is spending more time at home. With Ann.

SpiderCrab September 4, 2012 at 12:10 pm

About Mitt Romney's Swiss Miss bank account: Why is Mitt Romney hedging his bets on America??

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 12:12 pm

That's sort of the theme of that campaign commercial Obama released a few weeks ago.

Hell, all he needs to do is show that on an endless loop every night until November.

Terry September 4, 2012 at 12:15 pm

They visit their money is Swiss banks during skiing season, then their money in the Caymans when it's time to hit the beach.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 4, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Money in Swiss banks are people too, my friend.

Barbara_ September 4, 2012 at 12:06 pm

And he managed to avoid mentioning the troops once during his speech.

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 12:09 pm

During his speech? Hell, no one mentioned them all week!

nounverb911 September 4, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Except for when Clint blamed Afghanistan on Barry.

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 12:20 pm

I must have missed that. I was laughing too hard at the chair.

sullivanst September 4, 2012 at 12:25 pm

He complained about how Barry failed to compare notes with the Russians before invading Afghanistan.

Weird, weird, weird, almost as weird as Mittens.

MaxUdargo September 4, 2012 at 12:33 pm

I'm still waiting for the Neil Diamond mash up.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 4, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Was it Obama or the Chair that was responsible for Afghanistan? I wasn't clear.

Geminisunmars September 4, 2012 at 12:49 pm

That chair did have the look of a war monger.

freakishlywrong September 4, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I hate that "imagine if he were a Democrat" shit, but srsly; imagine if this asshole were a Democrat?

Geminisunmars September 4, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Does not compute.

Jus_Wonderin September 4, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I wonder if that is because Mitt supports the Cayman Islands instead of our tax structure that funds things like "the troops".

BTW: I am so tired of that old righty mantra of "support the troops". Weren't we just supposed to "go shopping"?

Isyaignert September 4, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Go shopping for visqueen and duct tape to protect ourselves from the evil-doers.

CindynEncinitas September 4, 2012 at 4:52 pm

He has to keep teh rum cake industry going strong so we can all have tasty desserts! Bless him and keep him…

miss_grundy September 4, 2012 at 12:34 pm

It's just as well that he didn't because whenever a Republican mentions the troops, it is just a lot of hollow chest-thumping. These people see the troops as cannon fodder for them to help their contractor friends make money. They could care less about the troops and yet they always want to paint the Democrats as cretins if a Dem chooses to visit the troops or to say nice things about the men and women who fight their very costly wars. This dumbass now wants to start wars in Iran and Syria. Like we haven't spent enough money fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan.

bearperney September 4, 2012 at 4:18 pm

I'm glad he didn't mention "the troops"; I always get indigestion when these chicken hawks do that.

Texan_Bulldog September 4, 2012 at 12:06 pm

…"your speech was received worse than any since Bob Dole stood on stage and just repeated his own name for 142 minutes …"

Even that time Bob Dole fell OFF the stage was better than Willard's. He would have been better off forgoing the speech & just retroactively baptizing Zombie Reagan.

CrunchyKnee September 4, 2012 at 12:06 pm

BUT, IT'Z HIS TIME!!!!11!!1 Oh, and there is a blah in the white house. Real 'Mericans don't care if Willard is devoid of substance.

FakaktaSouth September 4, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Yes, he looks like a…something. A soap opera villain?

schvitzatura September 4, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Victor Newman LIBEL!!11!

Generation[redacted] September 4, 2012 at 12:06 pm

He then went on to celebrate Labor Day is the day by taking the profits he earned from other people's labor and using it to go boating on his private lake.

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Which he will rename Niggerhead.

Guppy September 4, 2012 at 12:13 pm

He likes being able to fire labor.

Maman September 4, 2012 at 12:06 pm

I wish everyone had as much sense as our Wonkette, but sadly I saw my parents cars covered in Joe Walsh for Congress bumperstickers. I might be a sport.

BaldarTFlagass September 4, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Maybe they're just big James Gang fans.

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Spray paint "The Eagles Suck" over them.

IonaTrailer September 4, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Or print out a picture of a large screw and affix where needed.

miss_grundy September 4, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Or you can key right over the bumper stickers and let your parents see you do it. When they call you on it, you can then unless some very bad language on them. Luckily, I was raised by union people who loved the Democrats. Yay!!!!!!

Lascauxcaveman September 4, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Just print out a sticker that says "Deadbeat Dads for" and place it over the Joe Walsh sticker.

Arborista September 4, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Excellent!!!

schvitzatura September 4, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Do they know that he is a child support welcher? Are they that heartless?

Geminisunmars September 4, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Well, cheer up, maybe you were adopted.

kittensdontlie September 4, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Or I am sure some nice Wonketteer couple will adopt you!

Oblios_Cap September 4, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Willard's problem is that the more people see of him, the more they dislike him.

At least he has all that money to cozy up with.

An Asexual Ungulate September 4, 2012 at 12:10 pm

"How do you sleep at night, McBain??" – "On a big pile of money, surrounded by many beautiful ladies."

Apparently, when it comes to Mitt Romney… Simpsons did it. They even got the Bain reference right.

Terry September 4, 2012 at 12:17 pm

He can daydream about the afterlife, when he has his own planet populated with just family members who have to like him or they go to Hell.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 4, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Even the money isn't that fond of him.

SorosBot September 4, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Getting overshadowed by an empty chair can't be fun.

Toomush_Infer September 4, 2012 at 12:21 pm

"Hey, I don't think he can do that to himself….Oh, yes he CAN!!!…"

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I dunno….empty chair…empty suit…

no_gravity September 4, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Fuck the planet, Jimmy Carter, dead roses and Vote for Me because it has been ordained by the original Pecker in Chief that I become President.

Baconzgood September 4, 2012 at 12:08 pm

NEEDZ MOAR EMPTY STOOL!!!!!

BaldarTFlagass September 4, 2012 at 12:13 pm

sample?

Mumbletypeg September 4, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Three-legged. Except when She1ey forgets to stop counting up to four

SaintRond September 4, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Yuck.

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 12:09 pm

The dog and pony show opened up with Ann Romney and closed with Clint Eastwood.

And those were the highlights. If they planned on inspiring the country to vote for them, ummmmmmmmmmmmm….

Gratuitous World September 4, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Some of his best friends must not be in the military since he didn't once mention the troops.

Guppy September 4, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Some of his best friends are in the military-industrial complex!

Terry September 4, 2012 at 12:18 pm

They've kinda forgotten about 9/11, too, except in that all Muslims are scary.

miss_grundy September 4, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Latinos, women, gays, lesbians and everyone in between, too!!!!

Jus_Wonderin September 4, 2012 at 12:50 pm

That scene sounds fun. I'm in.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 4, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Given that Mitt and his entire family avoided any service, you can't really fault him in forgetting all about the military.

IonaTrailer September 4, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Every time you talk to someone (sans your boss, of course) try and work in the phrase "Lyin Ryan".
Examples: ( at the zoo) "Look at the Lyin' Ryan." or "Honey, the book is Lyin Ry an the table.

BaldarTFlagass September 4, 2012 at 12:09 pm

No fetuses in jars, though. At least I hope not.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 4, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Didn't the Republicans have a mixed chorus of fetus jars and snow flake embryos sing God Bless America on the third day of the convention?

HistoriCat September 4, 2012 at 2:06 pm

LSD or peyote?

Jus_Wonderin September 4, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Probably only the female feti. Cuz of superior man sperm.

WhatTheHolyHeck September 4, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Wealthy white cypher is wealthy and white. He wasn't supposed to actually do something too, was he?

johnnyzhivago September 4, 2012 at 12:09 pm

I thought the way he complimented the delegates on being all the right height and a pleasant color was a nice touch.

sullivanst September 4, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Pleasant? Their color was positively delightsome.

spends2much September 4, 2012 at 12:09 pm

He'd do better if he'd just straight up offer everyone ten grand to vote for him. He still wouldn't end up President, though. That's how much of a robot-tool he is.

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 12:11 pm

But hey! At least we'd all get to practice being rich-like, and take the money and run.

miss_grundy September 4, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I was watching Bill Maher and it seems he isn't doing well at all with the African-American community. BM said even if he offered everyone a Lincoln, he still couldn't get them to vote for him. I think Bill was talking about the currency and not the car, but perhaps I'm wrong…

Come here a minute September 4, 2012 at 12:09 pm

At least he didn't make a joke about his father shutting down an AMC plant.

BaldarTFlagass September 4, 2012 at 12:58 pm

A line about that would have probably had the audience rolling in the aisles.

DerrickWildcat September 4, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Honey Boo Boo – 72%
RNC – 28%

Generation[redacted] September 4, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Sadly, Mitt gets all the Honey Boo Boo vote, too.

freakishlywrong September 4, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Actually, Honey Boo Boo DID beat the stupid RNC in the ratings. I can't figure out if that's a good or a bad thing?

SorosBot September 4, 2012 at 12:26 pm

At least it did better than that Oogieloves monstrosity that advertised here for a few days, which had the record worst wide-release opening ever.

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 12:38 pm

When I was endlessly interrupted by the fucking roll-over ad saw the ads on here, I thought it was a straight-to-DVD kids show, or maybe a webcast.

You could have knocked me over with a feather when I saw an actual commercial on teh TeeVee for it.

DerrickWildcat September 4, 2012 at 12:39 pm

It was upsetting me a little too.

miss_grundy September 4, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Try seeing the trailer for it at the movies. Ugh!

SorosBot September 4, 2012 at 12:55 pm

I didn't see any commercials for it on the TV, just here, which may help explain it's complete and utter failure. Or maybe Wonkette is surprisingly popular with the nation's toddlers.

sullivanst September 4, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Maybe "deeply obnoxious" isn't such a great marketing strategy, after all?

Doktor Zoom September 4, 2012 at 12:52 pm

"By the end of the day Monday, the movie is expected to collect $601,545 — meaning its per-theater weekend average would be a whopping $278."

–LA Times.

Reassuring to see that there are at least some limits to HL Mencken's dictum about the taste of the American public.

EDIT: At least it gave AO Scott an excuse to write his review in the voice of a seven-year-old:

Dear Mr. Scot,

Here is my critic of Oogieloves the Bloon Venture. Thanks for the dollar. I hope you liked your jintonic. They had milkshakes at the screaning….

When the butterflies come on the screen your sposed to stand up and sing the song, then sit down when the turtles come, but a lot of kids dint sit down and the grown-ups dint stand up because they were texting. Hallie’s dad texted Shoot Me Now and that was silly because why would you text someone to shoot you. There is no shooting in this movie.

Oogieloves are like Barney or Teletubbies. They are ugly but nice. They live in Lovelyloveville in a house with a talking window made out of a real womn’s face and a red vacum cleanr. Its name is J. Edgar. Hallie’s Dad said that was a joke for grownups. The window might be its girlfrend…

Nobody is mean in this movie. They talk very loud. Theres parts where you dance or say cheers and rimes which made it noisy in the theter. Hallie’s dad said it was Rocky Horror for toddlers whatever that is…

You have kind of a dumb job. Hallie’s dad is a lawyer.

Your friend,

Stella

Baconzgood September 4, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I had to google Honey Boo Boo and it said this: She is known for her outlandish behavior and drinking “Go-Go Juice”[2], a Red Bull and Mountain Dew concoction.

Red Bull AND Mt. Dew? What is wrong with her parents?

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 12:38 pm

You'd think with all that caffeine she'd be less cherubic and more heroin-chic-ish

freakishlywrong September 4, 2012 at 12:39 pm

They are white trash. They will also be voting the Romney. They have so much in common.

sullivanst September 4, 2012 at 12:44 pm

What is wrong with her parents?

All of them, Katie.

DaSandman September 4, 2012 at 12:10 pm

I was waiting for Ann to come in on the dancing horse trailed by all their household servants in chains like something from Game of Thrones.

Baconzgood September 4, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Shit speeches are people too my friend.

FakaktaSouth September 4, 2012 at 12:11 pm

I don't know why people wouldn't want to hear about how they only voted for someone (a black someone) to feel good about themselves (along with having the good sense not to be a dead person Mitt visited upon with what I can only assume is his masterful bedside manner). He sucks.

ChernobylSoup September 4, 2012 at 12:16 pm

If he hadn't told me why I voted for Obama, I never would have known.

FakaktaSouth September 4, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Well, it certainly couldn't be for anything as dumb as policy and things that actually have some effect on your life, it's all about how it makes you feeeeeel. It would be funnier if half the country wasn't like that.

prommie September 4, 2012 at 12:34 pm

I voted for him for the same reason I always vote for the democrat. The lesser of two evils. Now if he would, oohhh, say, regulate the finance industry, ban commodities derivative speculation, anti-trust Goldman Sachs and the rest of big finance, and send some robber barons to fucking jail, then I might say I like his policies.

FakaktaSouth September 4, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Okay, political platforms that are waved around like flags and then put up after the election. Have it your way. I don't care for 'lesser of two evils' bullshit, our evil cannot fucking compare.

miss_grundy September 4, 2012 at 12:45 pm

What we need to have the Tea Partiers kicked out of office and replaced by Dems in the House and the Senate. Then the Pres could go all out and hit these targets in his second term which would be awesome.

Geminisunmars September 4, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I have a vision (okay – fantasy, or more like wishful thinking) that after being reelected President Obama will do all the things you list, and develop true universal healthcare. At least with him there is a possibility of some that coming true. If the Rs are elected absolutely no chance in hell.

johnnyzhivago September 4, 2012 at 12:11 pm

"I like firing speech writers"

Baconzgood September 4, 2012 at 12:27 pm

He should try HIRING speech writers first.

johnnyzhivago September 4, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Winner!

hagajim September 4, 2012 at 12:34 pm

How about firing speech readers.

Chow Yun Flat September 4, 2012 at 12:11 pm

They could have skipped the polls and just said that he gave the worst speech ever because he is a wealthy Republican who doesn't know anything about anything.

Wadisay September 4, 2012 at 12:11 pm

If Mitt doesn't have enough fans, he can always incorporate a few more.

Spurning Beer September 4, 2012 at 12:17 pm

I believe that life begins with the filing of incorporation papers.

BaldarTFlagass September 4, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Heartless dick is heartless, and a dick.

calliecallie September 4, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Perhaps Mittens found out how much actual work the job entails and has now decided he doesn't really want it. Fine by me.

Toomush_Infer September 4, 2012 at 12:25 pm

He does kind of resemble Fred Thompson, but the Mitt Bot doesn't have a "know when it's stupid" button…..

boobookitteh September 4, 2012 at 12:35 pm

He's not planning on actually doing the work. There are people for that.

prommie September 4, 2012 at 12:41 pm

He doesn't seem to be what you could call "hungry." Unlike my man Christie the Hutt. That dude is ravenous, he wants ALL the cake.

Terry September 4, 2012 at 12:13 pm

" his dad gave his moms a rose every morning of their marriage until the day he died"

First comment: Moms? Was Mitt's dad following the poly family tradition?

Second comment: You just KNOW there were mornings when she thought "Yeah, a rose is great, but I wish he'd finally -insert activity- like he said he would three weeks ago"

freakishlywrong September 4, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Is "insert activity" the buttsecks?

calliecallie September 4, 2012 at 12:27 pm

When a guy gives you flowers for no reason, you know he's trying to make up for something.

Terry September 4, 2012 at 12:39 pm

…and this guy had something to make up for every single day of his married life. I don't want to try and imagine what it was.

Jus_Wonderin September 4, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Wouldn't the freebies from McDonald's be enough for any woman??

shelwood46 September 4, 2012 at 1:35 pm

My theory is that dad had a free ticket for roses, too.

Mondo_Cane September 4, 2012 at 12:55 pm

and one can just imagine the specifics – Prissy brings the breakfast tray into the bedroom for momma Romney with the rose in the bud vase –

just another miscellaneous expense –

OneYieldRegular September 4, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Nothing says "Message: I care" like giving someone roses.

Geminisunmars September 4, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Well, you know, every day you give your wife a rose you are allowed to ignore her the rest of the day, 'cause you've already proven that you love her.

Thurman Munster IV September 4, 2012 at 2:46 pm

A wed wose. How twite.

FakaktaSouth September 4, 2012 at 12:13 pm

And of course he slammed Jimmy Carter, Jimmy actually IS what Mitt wants for people to think he is now pretending to be. (a guy with a soul)

Spurning Beer September 4, 2012 at 12:20 pm

There are some interface problems to be worked out with the Soul and Asshole subsystems.

schvitzatura September 4, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Incompatible, divide by infinitesimal fucking zero! Mitt is the Anti-Carter!

NorthStarSpanx September 4, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Colbert thought that was one hell of a swipe at kumbaya tree hugging cackle of rads when it came to Mitt saying he'd rather work for our families than work on lowering the oceans and whatnot.

Would have helped Alien Mitt to poll the audience as to how many of us humans LIVE on planet earth.

Chow Yun Flat September 4, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Romney is amazing. He has zero form and zero content. He makes used car salesmen seem like paragons of truth.

EatsBabyDingos September 4, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Don't blame Mittens. He was going for a Wizard of Oz theme, and he couldn't tell whether he wanted to be the Tin Man or the Cowardly Lyin', so he attacked straw men instead.

Spurning Beer September 4, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Preposceros.

ManchuCandidate September 4, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Mittens Rombobo: All the Charisma of a fresh Manure Pile on a hot August Day. And less intelligent and valuable.

Baconzgood September 4, 2012 at 12:14 pm

That entire convention looked like it was put on by Miss Pattersons 3rd grade class. It was a fucking train wreck.

Toomush_Infer September 4, 2012 at 12:26 pm

It wreaked on ice!….

johnnyzhivago September 4, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Miss Patterson's 3rd grade class takes offense at your comment.

schvitzatura September 4, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Miss Paterson is a dominatrix on the side, as her salary can't even begin to pay for her upkeep

Ruhe September 4, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Re Mitt's facial expressions and weird rhetorical gambits: he is the candidate from Uncanny Valley.

NorthStarSpanx September 4, 2012 at 12:15 pm

What were the looks on the audiences faces when Ann admitted that her husband posthumously baptized her atheist father?

Callyson September 4, 2012 at 12:15 pm

He built that speech.

One_who_wanders September 4, 2012 at 12:17 pm

This just struck me, Mitt reminds me of the Mayor.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mayor_%28Buffy_the_V

fuflans September 4, 2012 at 12:32 pm

nice catch!

MissTaken September 4, 2012 at 12:18 pm

That speech is proof that alcohol and caffeine are necessities for normal human actions.

SorosBot September 4, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I certainly don't trust anyone who doesn't drink.

prommie September 4, 2012 at 12:43 pm

By choice.

Wadisay September 4, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I could like him a little more if he was trying to kick a two-pack-a-day habit, too.

schvitzatura September 4, 2012 at 2:48 pm

What addictions do Mormon bishops/stakeholders/regional controllers possess, in lieu of the normal continuum of ethyl alcohol and tobacco related-addictions.

Shit bordering on the maskie scene from Eyes Wide Shut?

HistoriCat September 4, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Forget the Reagan hologram. The Republicans should hire the Tupac guys and make a hologram Romney – they might have a better shot in November.

prommie September 4, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Its almost too easy to poke fun at Willard. Like, its like, well, making fun of the handicapped. You know what I mean, the mentally challenged. Its like teasing retards.

Sharkey September 4, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Just because we're all thinking it, doesn't mean you can just come out and write it down.

Oblios_Cap September 4, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Wang! Young offenders! Know your rights
Number 3: You have the right to freeeee
Speech as long as you're not
Dumb enough to actually try it.

fuflans September 4, 2012 at 12:46 pm

except he's a mean sob so he deserves it.

ttommyunger September 5, 2012 at 10:41 am

But I think he likes it. He must know deep inside he is a humorless, unlikeable dick, yet he continues to put himself out there in the midst of the slings and arrows. He does not have to do this, yet he insists…

Peckerwood_Pete September 4, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Willard's speech was horrendous. And the only passion he seemed to show was when he was hinting at a potential war with Iran…. just what we need, right?

But on another note… I just can't get exicted about any candidate this year…

We need another Admiral Stockdale in the Presidential race. That man knew how to work the crowd.

Kid_Charlemagne September 4, 2012 at 12:21 pm

He could offer no pearls of wisdom because they were all in a safety deposit box in the Caymans.

Veritas78 September 4, 2012 at 7:16 pm

This point can't be hammered home enough. What kind of politician keeps his money overseas? Is there something he knows that we don't? Is there something he's planning that we need to know?

I'd like to hear someone state that: Stashing your money abroad comes close to Treason. You want to be our President? Keep your money here.

sbj1964 September 4, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Mitt Romney,is nothing more than a Pig fucking,soul soliciting Mormon,Tosser,that thinks we Americans owe him this election, because what else do you give the man who has everything?

Jus_Wonderin September 4, 2012 at 12:31 pm

A kick in the nutz?

Weenus299 September 4, 2012 at 12:22 pm

He really should've ad-lib riffed the Eastwood chair thing for 40 minutes. Man that would have been funny shit, an ironing board yukking it up about a fossil and a chair.

SheriffJoeBiden September 4, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Did anyone else notice that for about the first 2/3rds of the speech, he was doing that kind of bizarre mouth click/smack/suck thing before he said roughly… every sentence? You know what I'm talking about. Like when someone audibly opens their mouth before they say something they think is important. Does anyone know what I mean? Like a prim, gum-smacking suction kind of sound. What is that called?

IonaTrailer September 4, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Yeah! I said, are his dentures clicking? And my husband he thought it must be the mike, because rich people get implants, not dentures.

johnnyzhivago September 4, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Annoying!!!

Mumbletypeg September 4, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Dunno… but I did have a 7th grade history teacher who smacked incessantly every time he opened his mouth to say something. His pacing was so excruciatingly slow I passed the time keeping tally-marks in my notebook for every time I heard a *smack*

viennawoods13 September 4, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Note to self… listen for mouth-smacking whilst talking to students the next few days…

TavariousChinaSmith September 4, 2012 at 12:44 pm
Geminisunmars September 4, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Looks like it was noticed.

gurukalehuru September 4, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Since nobody seems to know of a special word for it, perhaps it's time for a new word contest. And santorum is already taken.

Geminisunmars September 4, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Smeckma?

Chichikovovich September 4, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Romination?

ttommyunger September 5, 2012 at 10:44 am

Surprised Lizzy hasn't chimed in, she has tweeted about this very thing on numerous occasions. I've never noticed; but then I've never listened to a word he's ever uttered any longer than it takes to identify the speaker as Mitt Fucking Romney.

MissTaken September 4, 2012 at 12:26 pm

The Mittbot needs to reinstall Clippy.

It looks like you are speechifying to humans.
Would you like help?

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Clippy would commit suicide. Which is saying an awful lot.

One_who_wanders September 4, 2012 at 12:36 pm

I was going to suggest Siri then I realized that that software would not work with his hardware, even if you changed the operating system.

SayItWithWookies September 4, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Mitt's gonna fall back on the old Republican know-nothing excuse — he'll surround himself with experts on human interaction. You know, like the warm, informative personalities of Ari Fleischer and David Fehrenstrom. Also, people with foreign policy experience. And people who can count, if the Republican party has any of those. Mitt will do the difficult job of calling them up once a week to see if everything's alright.

Jus_Wonderin September 4, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Wow, I might just run for President. Sounds easy. Can anyone help me bleach my past of all the things a candidate can't drag around on a campaign?

SayItWithWookies September 4, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Just refuse to release your tax returns and you're set.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 4, 2012 at 12:26 pm

If this election is anywhere near close, half of this country deserves to be skullfucked to death, with votes. (NOT WITH VOTES!)

freakishlywrong September 4, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Or at least lose any and all Gubb'mint largesse they currently enjoy. The Daily Show on Friday was excellent.

BaldarTFlagass September 4, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Hey, they can't help it if they hate black folks. It's just the way they were raised!

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 4, 2012 at 12:59 pm

It's their culture. Who are we to judge?

Toomush_Infer September 4, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I think the problem really is – why does Mittens want to be president, anyway? Making dead Dad proud just isn't much of a reason….

VeraSevera September 4, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Apparently is is. Every since Baby and Popy Bush, running for President has been the therapy du jour for rich kids with twisted Oedipus complexes.

Spurning Beer September 4, 2012 at 12:36 pm

It was good enough for W. And it will be good enough for Malia Obama.

Self-Uploader September 4, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Except I can't imagine dead Dad would be proud of the dog whistles, pandering, secrecy and complete lack of principle.
Dead Mom wouldn't be so crazy about vagina probes and busting into people's bedrooms and medicine cabinets either.

GeorgiaBurning September 4, 2012 at 1:48 pm

It was good enough for the Kennedys' too. Also brightens up the CV when Mittens' wants God to give him a planet on the good side of 61 Cygnus.

johnnyzhivago September 4, 2012 at 12:30 pm

One thing Mitt hasn't tried yet is just to offer cash to people to vote for him – or those pre-loaded debit cards. You have to get it validated when you vote and it would be good for $x depending on what state you live in – so like $1000 for Ohio but only $50 for New Jersey.

Or he could have some sort of deal with Chick-Fil-A: Vote for Mitt on Election Day and Dinner for the Family is on Me!

Geminisunmars September 4, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Now don't be giving them any ideas.

shelwood46 September 4, 2012 at 1:44 pm

It worked in Mexico. Mitt can even go with their idea of telling them it's worth $1000, but you can't use it till after the election, then after the election it's only worth $20.

not that Dewey September 4, 2012 at 1:56 pm

According to Rush Limbaugh, "giving away free money to layabouts" is Obama's entire campaign strategy, and the only reason any ever voted for him in the first place.

johnnyzhivago September 4, 2012 at 2:18 pm

I'm still waiting for my money!

Chichikovovich September 4, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Damn right, baby! I became a citizen just in time to vote for Obama, and right after the election I was awarded tenure. Sweeeeet! That vote for Obama really paid off.

[Disclaimer: "I was awarded tenure during the Obama administration" is not, in fact, true, but rather "Ryan-true". It is the kind of truth a claim has when you say it happened during the Obama administration, but it actually happened when Bush was president. Like GM plant closings.]

not that Dewey September 4, 2012 at 7:02 pm

I get those sweet, sweet child tax credits, and that 3rd standard deduction. He can count on my vote. #obamagivesmemoney

fartknocker September 4, 2012 at 12:30 pm

According to Rachel Maddow last night, Team Mitt decided to take this week off. President Obama and VP Biden are out in full force in swing states this week working to convince voters who the correct choice is.

I wonder if the Super PACs have just given up on Mittens and are now funneling all that money into House and Senate races.

BaldarTFlagass September 4, 2012 at 12:31 pm

“He wants to save the planet. I want to help you and your family.”

"By selling you a rubber raft that one of the companies I offshored to China manufactures. You can buy them at Walmart!!!"

Isyaignert September 4, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I call it "Chinamart" and refuse to go their stores. However, I do enjoy going to http://www.peopleofwalmart.com everyday!

freakishlywrong September 4, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Can't even listen to him anymore. He sounds as dis-ingenious and as strident as Falin, only with a a hate laugh.

There were two faces: looking up, with his head tilted, and actually batting his eyelashes at the audience like some sort of prom queen, and the Tough Guy face. The Tough Guy face was the one he employed when spewing nonsense lies about Barry Bamz.
And this. Ugh, I was thinking the same thing.

VeraSevera September 4, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Honestly, the more I'm forced to see this sissified suit and his young earnest gee-whiz whippersnapper side kick…I feel like I'm watching a Batman and Robin episode. If only the Cat woman would capture them and tie them up…it might make me gay all over again.

One_who_wanders September 4, 2012 at 12:38 pm

I am very interested in your newsletter and would like to subscribe.

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 12:35 pm

that his dad gave his moms a rose every morning of their marriage until the day he died

OMG! Just like Bela Lugosi in Plan 9 From Outer Space! And then he died and came back as Ed Wood's dentist!

OneYieldRegular September 4, 2012 at 1:13 pm

With about the same production values, too.

CindynEncinitas September 4, 2012 at 5:04 pm

And now he's lurching around the graveyard knocking over all the headstones!

hagajim September 4, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Oh dear, Miff Romney

Is that Miff, as in whiff, because that was a swing and a miss – clean.

Isyaignert September 4, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Or, Miff as in "miffed" because that's how he's gonna feel after Obama kicks his @ss?

randcoolcatdaddy September 4, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Mitt Romney is perhaps the only person on the planet that can make Richard Nixon look like a gifted and engaging orator.

fuflans September 4, 2012 at 12:37 pm

mitt romney may be weird, but the weird sisters are way too cool for him.

Isyaignert September 4, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Condescending? Annoying?

comrad_darkness September 4, 2012 at 12:39 pm

The two minutes I toiled through of his speech stunned me with the impeccable impression of Al Gore circa 2000 with the breathy patronizing professor wannabe BS attitude. Were none of his advisors / speech coaches alive in 2000?

Geminisunmars September 4, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Be nice. This was the best they could do with what they had to work with.

comrad_darkness September 4, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I would have had 10x the respect for Boardroom Asshole rather than Just Don't Worry Your Little Heads Bobblehead

fuflans September 4, 2012 at 12:40 pm

angry aging white people don't make for good television.

well except for archie bunker.

not that Dewey September 4, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I've said this before, but that picture — I can literally smell the Gross Rich Old Dude Cologne wafting off those hands.

Generation[redacted] September 4, 2012 at 12:43 pm

What, that wasn't Mitt in the empty chair?

not that Dewey September 4, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Empty suit, empty chair. Potato potahto

prommie September 4, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Poster caption for this man should be "The Banality of Evil."

proudgrampa September 4, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Or, as Mitt would say, "Evil is sure banal."

DahBoner September 4, 2012 at 12:48 pm

No, no, no!

Mitt R-Money is doing great Science here, folks.

He just discovered 67 new ways to sneer at The Middle Class…

not that Dewey September 4, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Tom Brokaw agrees, because "objectivity" and "liberal media":

The best line, I think, in the speech was the one in which he said: "President Obama wants to slow the growth of the oceans, I want to help you and your family."

-Tom Brokaw

Chichikovovich September 4, 2012 at 1:40 pm

But still, it was pretty weak sauce compared to the time Carter argued that electing Reagan would be a step toward demolishing Medicare.

"There you go again", the Gipper said. I bet Brokaw loved that line.

And I bet those Carter types who thought Medicare was a long-term target feel pretty sheepish now.

Chet Kincaid_ September 4, 2012 at 2:54 pm

And not one fuck about Brokaw's opinions was given by all.

Chichikovovich September 4, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Like, we get that is lovely (though obvs a complete lie) that his dad gave his moms a rose every morning of their marriage until the day he died,

I thought that was the only thing in the speech that was true. (OK, maybe he missed a day here and there, maybe he only started on the 5th anniversary not the whole marriage, or whatever. But basically I believe that one.) Let's give some props to George R. who everyone seems to agree was a peach of a guy. Of course, when you have an estate and a battery of gardeners on staff to tend rosebushes, outside in summer and in the greenhouse in winter, it's not quite as much of an operation.

prommie September 4, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Like, the 'effort" he had to put into it consisted of establishing a standing order to the servants to have a rose brought to her. By the logic involved here, he also cooked her every meal, did her laundry, and drove her around town in the limo.

Chichikovovich September 4, 2012 at 1:22 pm

And attended to her sexual satisfaction, in that sense as well.

Edit/Afterthought – perhaps through the agency of the same guy that brought the rose.

bobbert September 4, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I'm guessing old George was thinking of this old chestnut .

Edit: emphasis on planning ahead.

Chichikovovich September 4, 2012 at 2:47 pm

You have enriched my life immensely bobbert. That was simply the most hilariously awful poem I've ever read. It is to poetry what Florence Foster Jenkins was to Der Hölle Rache.

Really – you want to stop reading, but you can't tear your eyes away, as if it were the sight of a particularly gore-soaked auto accident or a man with his jaw shot off.

viennawoods13 September 4, 2012 at 5:34 pm

It's right up there with Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England.

midnighttoker69 September 4, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Was I the only one thinking about this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWib8GbrIlA

PinkoPopulist September 4, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Whew! Good thing science is a liberal conspiracy that no one believes except the NOobAMA coolaid drinkuhs!!!!!!!!! That's why a Romney presidency will refuse to slow the rise in the oceans and heal the planet!

TribecaMike September 4, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I wish you'd given the date of this speech, because I don't remember it.

T3rbo September 4, 2012 at 1:14 pm

The only thing I could think of when Willard was delivering this speech was: Why the fuck is his face so smooth? The man is 65 years old and he doesn't have any wrinkles? What the hell??? Perhaps we can blame the emotionless delivery on botox?

ttommyunger September 5, 2012 at 10:47 am

He only bathes in the Baptismal water of dead Jooze.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 4, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Mitt should have baptised Leni Riefenstahl corpse, reanimated it, and have her direct the convention.

Chichikovovich September 4, 2012 at 1:26 pm

"Triumph of the Willard"

viennawoods13 September 4, 2012 at 5:26 pm

That deserves SO many upfists!

OneYieldRegular September 4, 2012 at 1:20 pm

On my way to work today I was thinking exactly this, that Mitt and Ann are super weird people. And that was after having already encountered, before 7:30 this morning, a guy belting out disco songs while dancing on the sidewalk, a woman dressed head-to-toe in purple, and a homeless guy engrossed in a fat book on how to cast spells.

Chichikovovich September 4, 2012 at 1:24 pm

First of all, I'm not a woman, and second, some of that was violet, not purple.

Isyaignert September 4, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I have worked with many Mormons over the years and they all seem brainwashed. But, I guess they'd have to be to believe the crazy chit their church is peddling.

BTW – are you familiar with "Lying for the Lord?" It's a real deal and explains a lot about Miff Rmoney – http://www.mormonwiki.org/Lying_for_the_Lord

starfanglednut September 4, 2012 at 6:24 pm

That's very interesting, Isy, and does indeed explain quite a bit. The Dems should make this public knowledge.

LibrarianX September 4, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Romney has no "O" face, does he?

BlueStateLibel September 4, 2012 at 1:50 pm

You only see it when he's firing scores of workers, berating the servants or looking at his bank statements. Even then, he looks the same as he usually does.

rocktonsam September 4, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Miffens?

ffredpalakon September 4, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I think some of the lines in his acceptance speech work, but just need the proper setting. Like, I picture Romney as a villain in a Tarantino movie, interrogating a beaten man tied to a chair, soon to be executed, and suddenly saying, "You know…my father left a rose on my mother's pillow every day of his life. When she found no rose one morning…she knew he was gone. Do…do you leave a flower for your love every morning?" In that context, I think it's chillingly effective.

Chet Kincaid_ September 4, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Jimmy Carter is a former president beloved by whom? He has been one of the Republicans' go-to whipping boys since 1979; a lot of Dems don't appreciate the whole incompetency-in-office-paving-the-way-for-Reagan thing; and AIPAC hates his guts. Is it supposed to be some kind of rehabilitation that they're letting him speak on video at the convention tonight — God forbid Carter should actually appear on stage!!

CindynEncinitas September 4, 2012 at 5:09 pm

But what I remember best about his presidency is that he was so chill, he allowed the rest of the world to breathe for a while.

Baba_NinjaCat12 September 4, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Even a Auton, animated and controlled by the Nestene Consciousness, an extraterrestrial, disembodied gestalt intelligence, is popular than a MittBot 3000 speech. He looked like animatronics man built by Halliburton during the bore of a speech. At least Tron: Legacy was on another channel at the same time of his speech which I watched.

kyeshinka September 4, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Relax Mitt. We're not saying it was the worst speech ever, only SCIENCE is saying that.

Isyaignert September 4, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Rebecca honey, you and your darling red dresses are on fire!

Everybody DOES hate Rmoney – even my 82-yo always-voted-Republican-bumper-sticker and button-wearing uber-religious mom isn't going to vote for him. Hell hath frozen over in my world.

bearperney September 4, 2012 at 4:20 pm

"He has no enemies, but, is detested by all of his friends." _Ocsar WiIde?

Naked_Bunny September 4, 2012 at 4:50 pm

his dad gave his moms a rose every morning of their marriage until the day he died

Aww. Rich people sure are able to afford romantic stuff like that. Most of us settle for a kiss, or a dirty glare.

Poindexter718 September 4, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Well, there you have it; you can't argue with science any more than you can argue with an empty chair.

valthemus September 5, 2012 at 1:17 am

Who cares if Mitt gives bad speech? Speeches, shmeeches! As if you actually need to be a good candidate when your acolytes are busy rigging the entire voting process so it works in your favor. Duh!

ttommyunger September 5, 2012 at 10:49 am

I'm looking at that pix and thinking "Why the long face?". Then I realize he knows deep down he is gong to have his pasty-white ass handed to him in November; and by a Blah, to boot.

nanooknw September 5, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Thank God someone else noticed the "looks." They were nauseating.
When he lies he looks up and to the left. The debates should be a riot.

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 12:29 pm

::blink::

OK, at least now I know why I missed it. I must have heard and said "Nah, he couldn't have said that."

starfanglednut September 4, 2012 at 6:01 pm

I know. That was srsly fuckin' weird.

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I used to feel the way you do, until Ben Nelson singlehandedly gave Obamacare to the Republicans.

prommie September 4, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Goldman Sachs is running a staple foods futures market that is nothing but a giant tax on the food that every fucking person on earth eats. They are stealing food from the mouths of children and it IS evil, just it subtle, and Obama is completely owned by the wall street finance people and will never ever do shit about it.

Chet Kincaid_ September 4, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Congress keeps or thwarts Presidential campaign promises. If you want to be mad at Obama about something, be mad that the Democratic Party wasn't proactive about keeping their Congressional majorities in 2010 in part because Bamz shitcanned Howard Dean, and was more focused on doing his job than politics. I thought we had all grown up and stopped piling on over campaign promises that have a snowball's chance of passing.

FakaktaSouth September 4, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Oh God. I am going back to bed.

BaldarTFlagass September 4, 2012 at 12:48 pm

He'd probably have left out that "America" song about the filthy immigrants though. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/America_(Neil_Diamon

actor212 September 4, 2012 at 12:51 pm

May I? ;-)

FakaktaSouth September 4, 2012 at 12:53 pm

As long as we don't have to talk about how horribly wrong I am and how terrible everyone "running" this joint is ever ever ever going to be, come on down.

YasserArraFeck September 4, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Maobama doesn't have a leg to stand on. The chair, on the other hand, has four.
Romney/Ryan/Chair '12!!

FakaktaSouth September 4, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Maybe all their not giving him none of their moneys this time will help.

prommie September 4, 2012 at 1:03 pm

We can hope.

FakaktaSouth September 4, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Ah see? You haven't given up completely. Sucker.

prommie September 4, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Barry will always be my Unicorn.

FakaktaSouth September 4, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I have Henry Rollins screaming LIAR in my head at me now because of you. Thanks for that. Hope is always a good thing, no matter how you get there.

Chet Kincaid_ September 4, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Good advice 3 years ago!

FakaktaSouth September 4, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Hey look, you know me, I am all about some life with PresO. I don't care for some stuff, but I bitch about everything. I think campaign promises should mean something though, I honestly do, and here's the weird thing, I truly STILL think PresO meant them when he said them. I think he was as shocked as anybody at what a bunch of fuckwit traitors to their country the GOP and some Dems became in the name of saving themselves and blowing up actual policy making beyond anything we have ever seen. I blame Congress more than I will EVER blame PresO, always and forever.

AncienReggie September 4, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Hey, I'm with Bamz all the way. Have been, will be. But forgiving him for Timmy "the Street" Geithner and Larry Summers? How? Can't blame Congress for that. Maybe for the unPatriot Act extention, maybe for Gitmo–sure, Congress Did It. But Married to the Wall Street Mob was our guy from day one. (Would have like to have seen more chainsaw work from AG Holder, too, come to that.)

Chet Kincaid_ September 4, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I was talking to the thread in general, not you, my friend. And yes, I think he did mean what he promised, looking out at seas of goodwill and owning majorities in the Senate and House.

FakaktaSouth September 4, 2012 at 3:04 pm

And also I think it probably bothers him a great deal, what with being the great negotiator and all, it has been a massive waste of an incredibly important talent, but NO ONE can argue with irrational, unreasonable, paid for assholes whose "number one job is to make him a one term president" That kind of "governing" ALSO makes me stabby.

Chet Kincaid_ September 4, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Well Huffpo's big weekend frontpage hit piece contended that Obama's biggest fault was that he got outmaneuvered as a political organizer by the tea party while focusing on getting things done inside the beltway. The idea is that if he had a populist pack to unleash against them, he might have won more political arguments.

At the same time, the Chicago Tribune's big front page weekend hit piece was that Obama had "failed" at his promise to "change the tone" and "transcend politics."

I'm glad all these people were so right in predicting exactly how much crazy, obstructionist, irrational Racism would be unleashed by his Presidency! If only Obama had listened to their predictions in 2008! Anybody got a link to those prognostications?

starfanglednut September 4, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Oh snap!

sullivanst September 4, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Which helped it blend in with the rest of his appearance.

actor212 September 5, 2012 at 10:32 am

I don't talk with my mouth full.

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