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Well-done, me!Oh dear, Miff Romney, you are just a horrible presidential candidate, and for once it is not just Your Wonkette that thinks so! No, according to “polls,” your speech was received worse than any since Bob Dole stood on stage and just repeated his own name for 142 minutes of Old Man smell. But let us consider together just why Miff Romney’s speech was so horribly bad!

First, he was introduced by people talking about their dead children. This makes sense, as he is Bizarro Barack Obama, and the opposite of Hope and Change is Mass Suicide and More Mass Suicide. Then, he talked about his own dad dying, and it was super-weird! Like, we get that is lovely (though obvs a complete lie) that his dad gave his moms a rose every morning of their marriage until the day he died, but IT IS WEIRD in your nomination acceptance speech to say “AND THAT’S HOW SHE FOUND OUT HE WAS DEAD.” Just weird! You are a weird, weird man! Seriously, you are All Three Weird Sisters, doubling and doubling and toiling and troubling, just stone cold bein’ a weird old witch lady. It is just how you do.

Then there were those faces. There were two faces: looking up, with his head tilted, and actually batting his eyelashes at the audience like some sort of prom queen, and the Tough Guy face. The Tough Guy face was the one he employed when spewing nonsense lies about Barry Bamz. The prom queen face was the one he made when taking a swipe at Jimmy Carter, because Miff Romney is a total statesman, who just cold calls a beloved former president a dumb fucker in his nomination acceptance speech. Dude? Don’t do that.

So you’ve taken a swipe at a global ambassador of goodness (Jimmy Carter), how about the planet? Would you like to take a swipe at the entire planet? “Barack Obama thinks he can stop the oceans from rising,” Ol’ Miff said, or something along those lines. “He wants to save the planet. I want to help you and your family.” (PARAPHRASE.) OK. Let’s unpack that for a mo: how ridiculous it is for the Messiah and The One to want to do something about climate change, when we will all have shiny new planets soon anyway! (AFTER MITT ROMNEY HAS BAPTIZED US MORMON.)

And then there were the ladies. Miff, what is the hardest job in the world? Is it being a Mom? YES. It is being a mom. Unless you are a mom who also actually has a job, and then it is not so hard to just be a mom. Because then it is like you have the hardest job in the world … plus another one? Right? Right? This thing on?

Better luck next time, Miff! Because this time, everyone hates you!

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