this week in stirring oratory

Science: Mitt Romney’s RNC Speech Most Terrible In History

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Well-done, me!Oh dear, Miff Romney, you are just a horrible presidential candidate, and for once it is not just Your Wonkette that thinks so! No, according to “polls,” your speech was received worse than any since Bob Dole stood on stage and just repeated his own name for 142 minutes of Old Man smell. But let us consider together just why Miff Romney’s speech was so horribly bad!

First, he was introduced by people talking about their dead children. This makes sense, as he is Bizarro Barack Obama, and the opposite of Hope and Change is Mass Suicide and More Mass Suicide. Then, he talked about his own dad dying, and it was super-weird! Like, we get that is lovely (though obvs a complete lie) that his dad gave his moms a rose every morning of their marriage until the day he died, but IT IS WEIRD in your nomination acceptance speech to say “AND THAT’S HOW SHE FOUND OUT HE WAS DEAD.” Just weird! You are a weird, weird man! Seriously, you are All Three Weird Sisters, doubling and doubling and toiling and troubling, just stone cold bein’ a weird old witch lady. It is just how you do.

Then there were those faces. There were two faces: looking up, with his head tilted, and actually batting his eyelashes at the audience like some sort of prom queen, and the Tough Guy face. The Tough Guy face was the one he employed when spewing nonsense lies about Barry Bamz. The prom queen face was the one he made when taking a swipe at Jimmy Carter, because Miff Romney is a total statesman, who just cold calls a beloved former president a dumb fucker in his nomination acceptance speech. Dude? Don’t do that.

So you’ve taken a swipe at a global ambassador of goodness (Jimmy Carter), how about the planet? Would you like to take a swipe at the entire planet? “Barack Obama thinks he can stop the oceans from rising,” Ol’ Miff said, or something along those lines. “He wants to save the planet. I want to help you and your family.” (PARAPHRASE.) OK. Let’s unpack that for a mo: how ridiculous it is for the Messiah and The One to want to do something about climate change, when we will all have shiny new planets soon anyway! (AFTER MITT ROMNEY HAS BAPTIZED US MORMON.)

And then there were the ladies. Miff, what is the hardest job in the world? Is it being a Mom? YES. It is being a mom. Unless you are a mom who also actually has a job, and then it is not so hard to just be a mom. Because then it is like you have the hardest job in the world … plus another one? Right? Right? This thing on?

Better luck next time, Miff! Because this time, everyone hates you!

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    Did he mention that some of his best friends like to visit their money in Switzerland?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      No, but he held a fundraiser on a yacht from the Caymans.

      • sullivanst

        The Cracker Bay no less.

        That was the kind of thing that makes you wonder whether he even really wants to be President. But then you remember how hard he's been trying, for so long and realize that actually, he's probably just totally incompetent. Which is better, somehow.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Right? I mean, every candidate makes mistakes, which is why you hire handlers and advisors and I can guaran-damn-tee you, if Carville had been running his campaign, Cracker Bay would have been vetted and changed immedjately.

          It's not like Mitt can't afford people, and he even gets to fire them on November 7, win lose or draw!

        • bitchincamaro2

          Silly sullivanst! It's "Cracker Boy"!

          • sullivanst

            Silly bitchincamaro, crackers don't get called "Boy"

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            Oh snap!

        • HistoriCat

          The alternative to running is spending more time at home. With Ann.

    • SpiderCrab

      About Mitt Romney's Swiss Miss bank account: Why is Mitt Romney hedging his bets on America??

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        That's sort of the theme of that campaign commercial Obama released a few weeks ago.

        Hell, all he needs to do is show that on an endless loop every night until November.

    • Terry

      They visit their money is Swiss banks during skiing season, then their money in the Caymans when it's time to hit the beach.

    • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Money in Swiss banks are people too, my friend.

  • Barbara_

    And he managed to avoid mentioning the troops once during his speech.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      During his speech? Hell, no one mentioned them all week!

      • nounverb911

        Except for when Clint blamed Afghanistan on Barry.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          I must have missed that. I was laughing too hard at the chair.

          • sullivanst

            He complained about how Barry failed to compare notes with the Russians before invading Afghanistan.

            Weird, weird, weird, almost as weird as Mittens.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            ::blink::

            OK, at least now I know why I missed it. I must have heard and said "Nah, he couldn't have said that."

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            I know. That was srsly fuckin' weird.

          • sullivanst

            Which helped it blend in with the rest of his appearance.

          • http://www.udargo.com MaxUdargo

            I'm still waiting for the Neil Diamond mash up.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            He'd probably have left out that "America" song about the filthy immigrants though. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/America_(Neil_Diamon

        • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

          Was it Obama or the Chair that was responsible for Afghanistan? I wasn't clear.

          • Geminisunmars

            That chair did have the look of a war monger.

          • YasserArraFeck

            Maobama doesn't have a leg to stand on. The chair, on the other hand, has four.
            Romney/Ryan/Chair '12!!

    • freakishlywrong

      I hate that "imagine if he were a Democrat" shit, but srsly; imagine if this asshole were a Democrat?

      • Geminisunmars

        Does not compute.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I wonder if that is because Mitt supports the Cayman Islands instead of our tax structure that funds things like "the troops".

      BTW: I am so tired of that old righty mantra of "support the troops". Weren't we just supposed to "go shopping"?

      • Isyaignert

        Go shopping for visqueen and duct tape to protect ourselves from the evil-doers.

      • CindynEncinitas

        He has to keep teh rum cake industry going strong so we can all have tasty desserts! Bless him and keep him…

    • miss_grundy

      It's just as well that he didn't because whenever a Republican mentions the troops, it is just a lot of hollow chest-thumping. These people see the troops as cannon fodder for them to help their contractor friends make money. They could care less about the troops and yet they always want to paint the Democrats as cretins if a Dem chooses to visit the troops or to say nice things about the men and women who fight their very costly wars. This dumbass now wants to start wars in Iran and Syria. Like we haven't spent enough money fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan.

    • bearperney

      I'm glad he didn't mention "the troops"; I always get indigestion when these chicken hawks do that.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    …"your speech was received worse than any since Bob Dole stood on stage and just repeated his own name for 142 minutes …"

    Even that time Bob Dole fell OFF the stage was better than Willard's. He would have been better off forgoing the speech & just retroactively baptizing Zombie Reagan.

  • CrunchyKnee

    BUT, IT'Z HIS TIME!!!!11!!1 Oh, and there is a blah in the white house. Real 'Mericans don't care if Willard is devoid of substance.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Yes, he looks like a…something. A soap opera villain?

      • schvitzatura

        Victor Newman LIBEL!!11!

  • Generation[redacted]

    He then went on to celebrate Labor Day is the day by taking the profits he earned from other people's labor and using it to go boating on his private lake.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Which he will rename Niggerhead.

    • Guppy

      He likes being able to fire labor.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    I wish everyone had as much sense as our Wonkette, but sadly I saw my parents cars covered in Joe Walsh for Congress bumperstickers. I might be a sport.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe they're just big James Gang fans.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Spray paint "The Eagles Suck" over them.

      • IonaTrailer

        Or print out a picture of a large screw and affix where needed.

      • miss_grundy

        Or you can key right over the bumper stickers and let your parents see you do it. When they call you on it, you can then unless some very bad language on them. Luckily, I was raised by union people who loved the Democrats. Yay!!!!!!

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Just print out a sticker that says "Deadbeat Dads for" and place it over the Joe Walsh sticker.

        • Arborista

          Excellent!!!

    • schvitzatura

      Do they know that he is a child support welcher? Are they that heartless?

    • Geminisunmars

      Well, cheer up, maybe you were adopted.

      • kittensdontlie

        Or I am sure some nice Wonketteer couple will adopt you!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Willard's problem is that the more people see of him, the more they dislike him.

    At least he has all that money to cozy up with.

    • An Asexual Ungulate

      "How do you sleep at night, McBain??" – "On a big pile of money, surrounded by many beautiful ladies."

      Apparently, when it comes to Mitt Romney… Simpsons did it. They even got the Bain reference right.

    • Terry

      He can daydream about the afterlife, when he has his own planet populated with just family members who have to like him or they go to Hell.

    • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Even the money isn't that fond of him.

  • SorosBot

    Getting overshadowed by an empty chair can't be fun.

    • Toomush_Infer

      "Hey, I don't think he can do that to himself….Oh, yes he CAN!!!…"

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I dunno….empty chair…empty suit…

  • no_gravity

    Fuck the planet, Jimmy Carter, dead roses and Vote for Me because it has been ordained by the original Pecker in Chief that I become President.

  • Baconzgood

    NEEDZ MOAR EMPTY STOOL!!!!!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    The dog and pony show opened up with Ann Romney and closed with Clint Eastwood.

    And those were the highlights. If they planned on inspiring the country to vote for them, ummmmmmmmmmmmm….

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Some of his best friends must not be in the military since he didn't once mention the troops.

    • Guppy

      Some of his best friends are in the military-industrial complex!

    • Terry

      They've kinda forgotten about 9/11, too, except in that all Muslims are scary.

      • miss_grundy

        Latinos, women, gays, lesbians and everyone in between, too!!!!

        • Jus_Wonderin

          That scene sounds fun. I'm in.

    • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Given that Mitt and his entire family avoided any service, you can't really fault him in forgetting all about the military.

  • IonaTrailer

    Every time you talk to someone (sans your boss, of course) try and work in the phrase "Lyin Ryan".
    Examples: ( at the zoo) "Look at the Lyin' Ryan." or "Honey, the book is Lyin Ry an the table.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    No fetuses in jars, though. At least I hope not.

    • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Didn't the Republicans have a mixed chorus of fetus jars and snow flake embryos sing God Bless America on the third day of the convention?

      • HistoriCat

        LSD or peyote?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Probably only the female feti. Cuz of superior man sperm.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    Wealthy white cypher is wealthy and white. He wasn't supposed to actually do something too, was he?

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I thought the way he complimented the delegates on being all the right height and a pleasant color was a nice touch.

    • sullivanst

      Pleasant? Their color was positively delightsome.

  • spends2much

    He'd do better if he'd just straight up offer everyone ten grand to vote for him. He still wouldn't end up President, though. That's how much of a robot-tool he is.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      But hey! At least we'd all get to practice being rich-like, and take the money and run.

    • miss_grundy

      I was watching Bill Maher and it seems he isn't doing well at all with the African-American community. BM said even if he offered everyone a Lincoln, he still couldn't get them to vote for him. I think Bill was talking about the currency and not the car, but perhaps I'm wrong…

  • Come here a minute

    At least he didn't make a joke about his father shutting down an AMC plant.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      A line about that would have probably had the audience rolling in the aisles.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Honey Boo Boo – 72%
    RNC – 28%

    • Generation[redacted]

      Sadly, Mitt gets all the Honey Boo Boo vote, too.

    • freakishlywrong

      Actually, Honey Boo Boo DID beat the stupid RNC in the ratings. I can't figure out if that's a good or a bad thing?

      • SorosBot

        At least it did better than that Oogieloves monstrosity that advertised here for a few days, which had the record worst wide-release opening ever.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          When I was endlessly interrupted by the fucking roll-over ad saw the ads on here, I thought it was a straight-to-DVD kids show, or maybe a webcast.

          You could have knocked me over with a feather when I saw an actual commercial on teh TeeVee for it.

          • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

            It was upsetting me a little too.

          • miss_grundy

            Try seeing the trailer for it at the movies. Ugh!

          • SorosBot

            I didn't see any commercials for it on the TV, just here, which may help explain it's complete and utter failure. Or maybe Wonkette is surprisingly popular with the nation's toddlers.

        • sullivanst

          Maybe "deeply obnoxious" isn't such a great marketing strategy, after all?

        • Doktor Zoom

          "By the end of the day Monday, the movie is expected to collect $601,545 — meaning its per-theater weekend average would be a whopping $278."

          –LA Times.

          Reassuring to see that there are at least some limits to HL Mencken's dictum about the taste of the American public.

          EDIT: At least it gave AO Scott an excuse to write his review in the voice of a seven-year-old:

          Dear Mr. Scot,

          Here is my critic of Oogieloves the Bloon Venture. Thanks for the dollar. I hope you liked your jintonic. They had milkshakes at the screaning….

          When the butterflies come on the screen your sposed to stand up and sing the song, then sit down when the turtles come, but a lot of kids dint sit down and the grown-ups dint stand up because they were texting. Hallie’s dad texted Shoot Me Now and that was silly because why would you text someone to shoot you. There is no shooting in this movie.

          Oogieloves are like Barney or Teletubbies. They are ugly but nice. They live in Lovelyloveville in a house with a talking window made out of a real womn’s face and a red vacum cleanr. Its name is J. Edgar. Hallie’s Dad said that was a joke for grownups. The window might be its girlfrend…

          Nobody is mean in this movie. They talk very loud. Theres parts where you dance or say cheers and rimes which made it noisy in the theter. Hallie’s dad said it was Rocky Horror for toddlers whatever that is…

          You have kind of a dumb job. Hallie’s dad is a lawyer.

          Your friend,

          Stella

    • Baconzgood

      I had to google Honey Boo Boo and it said this: She is known for her outlandish behavior and drinking “Go-Go Juice”[2], a Red Bull and Mountain Dew concoction.

      Red Bull AND Mt. Dew? What is wrong with her parents?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        You'd think with all that caffeine she'd be less cherubic and more heroin-chic-ish

      • freakishlywrong

        They are white trash. They will also be voting the Romney. They have so much in common.

      • sullivanst

        What is wrong with her parents?

        All of them, Katie.

  • DaSandman

    I was waiting for Ann to come in on the dancing horse trailed by all their household servants in chains like something from Game of Thrones.

  • Baconzgood

    Shit speeches are people too my friend.

  • FakaktaSouth

    I don't know why people wouldn't want to hear about how they only voted for someone (a black someone) to feel good about themselves (along with having the good sense not to be a dead person Mitt visited upon with what I can only assume is his masterful bedside manner). He sucks.

    • ChernobylSoup

      If he hadn't told me why I voted for Obama, I never would have known.

      • FakaktaSouth

        Well, it certainly couldn't be for anything as dumb as policy and things that actually have some effect on your life, it's all about how it makes you feeeeeel. It would be funnier if half the country wasn't like that.

        • prommie

          I voted for him for the same reason I always vote for the democrat. The lesser of two evils. Now if he would, oohhh, say, regulate the finance industry, ban commodities derivative speculation, anti-trust Goldman Sachs and the rest of big finance, and send some robber barons to fucking jail, then I might say I like his policies.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Okay, political platforms that are waved around like flags and then put up after the election. Have it your way. I don't care for 'lesser of two evils' bullshit, our evil cannot fucking compare.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            I used to feel the way you do, until Ben Nelson singlehandedly gave Obamacare to the Republicans.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Oh God. I am going back to bed.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            May I? ;-)

          • FakaktaSouth

            As long as we don't have to talk about how horribly wrong I am and how terrible everyone "running" this joint is ever ever ever going to be, come on down.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            I don't talk with my mouth full.

          • prommie

            Goldman Sachs is running a staple foods futures market that is nothing but a giant tax on the food that every fucking person on earth eats. They are stealing food from the mouths of children and it IS evil, just it subtle, and Obama is completely owned by the wall street finance people and will never ever do shit about it.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Maybe all their not giving him none of their moneys this time will help.

          • prommie

            We can hope.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Ah see? You haven't given up completely. Sucker.

          • prommie

            Barry will always be my Unicorn.

          • FakaktaSouth

            I have Henry Rollins screaming LIAR in my head at me now because of you. Thanks for that. Hope is always a good thing, no matter how you get there.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Congress keeps or thwarts Presidential campaign promises. If you want to be mad at Obama about something, be mad that the Democratic Party wasn't proactive about keeping their Congressional majorities in 2010 in part because Bamz shitcanned Howard Dean, and was more focused on doing his job than politics. I thought we had all grown up and stopped piling on over campaign promises that have a snowball's chance of passing.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Hey look, you know me, I am all about some life with PresO. I don't care for some stuff, but I bitch about everything. I think campaign promises should mean something though, I honestly do, and here's the weird thing, I truly STILL think PresO meant them when he said them. I think he was as shocked as anybody at what a bunch of fuckwit traitors to their country the GOP and some Dems became in the name of saving themselves and blowing up actual policy making beyond anything we have ever seen. I blame Congress more than I will EVER blame PresO, always and forever.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            I was talking to the thread in general, not you, my friend. And yes, I think he did mean what he promised, looking out at seas of goodwill and owning majorities in the Senate and House.

          • FakaktaSouth

            And also I think it probably bothers him a great deal, what with being the great negotiator and all, it has been a massive waste of an incredibly important talent, but NO ONE can argue with irrational, unreasonable, paid for assholes whose "number one job is to make him a one term president" That kind of "governing" ALSO makes me stabby.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Well Huffpo's big weekend frontpage hit piece contended that Obama's biggest fault was that he got outmaneuvered as a political organizer by the tea party while focusing on getting things done inside the beltway. The idea is that if he had a populist pack to unleash against them, he might have won more political arguments.

            At the same time, the Chicago Tribune's big front page weekend hit piece was that Obama had "failed" at his promise to "change the tone" and "transcend politics."

            I'm glad all these people were so right in predicting exactly how much crazy, obstructionist, irrational Racism would be unleashed by his Presidency! If only Obama had listened to their predictions in 2008! Anybody got a link to those prognostications?

          • AncienReggie

            Hey, I'm with Bamz all the way. Have been, will be. But forgiving him for Timmy "the Street" Geithner and Larry Summers? How? Can't blame Congress for that. Maybe for the unPatriot Act extention, maybe for Gitmo–sure, Congress Did It. But Married to the Wall Street Mob was our guy from day one. (Would have like to have seen more chainsaw work from AG Holder, too, come to that.)

          • miss_grundy

            What we need to have the Tea Partiers kicked out of office and replaced by Dems in the House and the Senate. Then the Pres could go all out and hit these targets in his second term which would be awesome.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Good advice 3 years ago!

          • Geminisunmars

            I have a vision (okay – fantasy, or more like wishful thinking) that after being reelected President Obama will do all the things you list, and develop true universal healthcare. At least with him there is a possibility of some that coming true. If the Rs are elected absolutely no chance in hell.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    "I like firing speech writers"

    • Baconzgood

      He should try HIRING speech writers first.

      • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

        Winner!

    • hagajim

      How about firing speech readers.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    They could have skipped the polls and just said that he gave the worst speech ever because he is a wealthy Republican who doesn't know anything about anything.

  • Wadisay

    If Mitt doesn't have enough fans, he can always incorporate a few more.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      I believe that life begins with the filing of incorporation papers.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Heartless dick is heartless, and a dick.

  • calliecallie

    Perhaps Mittens found out how much actual work the job entails and has now decided he doesn't really want it. Fine by me.

    • Toomush_Infer

      He does kind of resemble Fred Thompson, but the Mitt Bot doesn't have a "know when it's stupid" button…..

    • http://twitter.com/bookofruthless boobookitteh

      He's not planning on actually doing the work. There are people for that.

    • prommie

      He doesn't seem to be what you could call "hungry." Unlike my man Christie the Hutt. That dude is ravenous, he wants ALL the cake.

  • Terry

    " his dad gave his moms a rose every morning of their marriage until the day he died"

    First comment: Moms? Was Mitt's dad following the poly family tradition?

    Second comment: You just KNOW there were mornings when she thought "Yeah, a rose is great, but I wish he'd finally -insert activity- like he said he would three weeks ago"

    • freakishlywrong

      Is "insert activity" the buttsecks?

    • calliecallie

      When a guy gives you flowers for no reason, you know he's trying to make up for something.

      • Terry

        …and this guy had something to make up for every single day of his married life. I don't want to try and imagine what it was.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Wouldn't the freebies from McDonald's be enough for any woman??

      • shelwood46

        My theory is that dad had a free ticket for roses, too.

    • Mondo_Cane

      and one can just imagine the specifics – Prissy brings the breakfast tray into the bedroom for momma Romney with the rose in the bud vase –

      just another miscellaneous expense –

    • OneYieldRegular

      Nothing says "Message: I care" like giving someone roses.

    • Geminisunmars

      Well, you know, every day you give your wife a rose you are allowed to ignore her the rest of the day, 'cause you've already proven that you love her.

    • Thurman Munster IV

      A wed wose. How twite.

  • FakaktaSouth

    And of course he slammed Jimmy Carter, Jimmy actually IS what Mitt wants for people to think he is now pretending to be. (a guy with a soul)

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      There are some interface problems to be worked out with the Soul and Asshole subsystems.

      • schvitzatura

        Incompatible, divide by infinitesimal fucking zero! Mitt is the Anti-Carter!

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Colbert thought that was one hell of a swipe at kumbaya tree hugging cackle of rads when it came to Mitt saying he'd rather work for our families than work on lowering the oceans and whatnot.

    Would have helped Alien Mitt to poll the audience as to how many of us humans LIVE on planet earth.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Romney is amazing. He has zero form and zero content. He makes used car salesmen seem like paragons of truth.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Don't blame Mittens. He was going for a Wizard of Oz theme, and he couldn't tell whether he wanted to be the Tin Man or the Cowardly Lyin', so he attacked straw men instead.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Preposceros.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Mittens Rombobo: All the Charisma of a fresh Manure Pile on a hot August Day. And less intelligent and valuable.

  • Baconzgood

    That entire convention looked like it was put on by Miss Pattersons 3rd grade class. It was a fucking train wreck.

    • Toomush_Infer

      It wreaked on ice!….

      • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

        Miss Patterson's 3rd grade class takes offense at your comment.

        • schvitzatura

          Miss Paterson is a dominatrix on the side, as her salary can't even begin to pay for her upkeep

  • Ruhe

    Re Mitt's facial expressions and weird rhetorical gambits: he is the candidate from Uncanny Valley.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    What were the looks on the audiences faces when Ann admitted that her husband posthumously baptized her atheist father?

  • Callyson

    He built that speech.

  • One_who_wanders

    This just struck me, Mitt reminds me of the Mayor.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mayor_%28Buffy_the_V

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      nice catch!

  • MissTaken

    That speech is proof that alcohol and caffeine are necessities for normal human actions.

    • SorosBot

      I certainly don't trust anyone who doesn't drink.

      • prommie

        By choice.

    • Wadisay

      I could like him a little more if he was trying to kick a two-pack-a-day habit, too.

      • schvitzatura

        What addictions do Mormon bishops/stakeholders/regional controllers possess, in lieu of the normal continuum of ethyl alcohol and tobacco related-addictions.

        Shit bordering on the maskie scene from Eyes Wide Shut?

  • HistoriCat

    Forget the Reagan hologram. The Republicans should hire the Tupac guys and make a hologram Romney – they might have a better shot in November.

  • prommie

    Its almost too easy to poke fun at Willard. Like, its like, well, making fun of the handicapped. You know what I mean, the mentally challenged. Its like teasing retards.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Just because we're all thinking it, doesn't mean you can just come out and write it down.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Wang! Young offenders! Know your rights
        Number 3: You have the right to freeeee
        Speech as long as you're not
        Dumb enough to actually try it.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      except he's a mean sob so he deserves it.

    • ttommyunger

      But I think he likes it. He must know deep inside he is a humorless, unlikeable dick, yet he continues to put himself out there in the midst of the slings and arrows. He does not have to do this, yet he insists…

  • Peckerwood_Pete

    Willard's speech was horrendous. And the only passion he seemed to show was when he was hinting at a potential war with Iran…. just what we need, right?

    But on another note… I just can't get exicted about any candidate this year…

    We need another Admiral Stockdale in the Presidential race. That man knew how to work the crowd.

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    He could offer no pearls of wisdom because they were all in a safety deposit box in the Caymans.

    • Veritas78

      This point can't be hammered home enough. What kind of politician keeps his money overseas? Is there something he knows that we don't? Is there something he's planning that we need to know?

      I'd like to hear someone state that: Stashing your money abroad comes close to Treason. You want to be our President? Keep your money here.

  • sbj1964

    Mitt Romney,is nothing more than a Pig fucking,soul soliciting Mormon,Tosser,that thinks we Americans owe him this election, because what else do you give the man who has everything?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      A kick in the nutz?

  • Weenus299

    He really should've ad-lib riffed the Eastwood chair thing for 40 minutes. Man that would have been funny shit, an ironing board yukking it up about a fossil and a chair.

  • SheriffJoeBiden

    Did anyone else notice that for about the first 2/3rds of the speech, he was doing that kind of bizarre mouth click/smack/suck thing before he said roughly… every sentence? You know what I'm talking about. Like when someone audibly opens their mouth before they say something they think is important. Does anyone know what I mean? Like a prim, gum-smacking suction kind of sound. What is that called?

    • IonaTrailer

      Yeah! I said, are his dentures clicking? And my husband he thought it must be the mike, because rich people get implants, not dentures.

    • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

      Annoying!!!

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Dunno… but I did have a 7th grade history teacher who smacked incessantly every time he opened his mouth to say something. His pacing was so excruciatingly slow I passed the time keeping tally-marks in my notebook for every time I heard a *smack*

      • viennawoods13

        Note to self… listen for mouth-smacking whilst talking to students the next few days…

    • TavariousChinaSmith
      • Geminisunmars

        Looks like it was noticed.

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      Since nobody seems to know of a special word for it, perhaps it's time for a new word contest. And santorum is already taken.

      • Geminisunmars

        Smeckma?

      • Chichikovovich

        Romination?

    • ttommyunger

      Surprised Lizzy hasn't chimed in, she has tweeted about this very thing on numerous occasions. I've never noticed; but then I've never listened to a word he's ever uttered any longer than it takes to identify the speaker as Mitt Fucking Romney.

  • MissTaken

    The Mittbot needs to reinstall Clippy.

    It looks like you are speechifying to humans.
    Would you like help?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Clippy would commit suicide. Which is saying an awful lot.

    • One_who_wanders

      I was going to suggest Siri then I realized that that software would not work with his hardware, even if you changed the operating system.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Mitt's gonna fall back on the old Republican know-nothing excuse — he'll surround himself with experts on human interaction. You know, like the warm, informative personalities of Ari Fleischer and David Fehrenstrom. Also, people with foreign policy experience. And people who can count, if the Republican party has any of those. Mitt will do the difficult job of calling them up once a week to see if everything's alright.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Wow, I might just run for President. Sounds easy. Can anyone help me bleach my past of all the things a candidate can't drag around on a campaign?

      • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

        Just refuse to release your tax returns and you're set.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    If this election is anywhere near close, half of this country deserves to be skullfucked to death, with votes. (NOT WITH VOTES!)

    • freakishlywrong

      Or at least lose any and all Gubb'mint largesse they currently enjoy. The Daily Show on Friday was excellent.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Hey, they can't help it if they hate black folks. It's just the way they were raised!

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        It's their culture. Who are we to judge?

  • Toomush_Infer

    I think the problem really is – why does Mittens want to be president, anyway? Making dead Dad proud just isn't much of a reason….

    • VeraSevera

      Apparently is is. Every since Baby and Popy Bush, running for President has been the therapy du jour for rich kids with twisted Oedipus complexes.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      It was good enough for W. And it will be good enough for Malia Obama.

    • http://www.marionstein.net Self-Uploader

      Except I can't imagine dead Dad would be proud of the dog whistles, pandering, secrecy and complete lack of principle.
      Dead Mom wouldn't be so crazy about vagina probes and busting into people's bedrooms and medicine cabinets either.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      It was good enough for the Kennedys' too. Also brightens up the CV when Mittens' wants God to give him a planet on the good side of 61 Cygnus.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    One thing Mitt hasn't tried yet is just to offer cash to people to vote for him – or those pre-loaded debit cards. You have to get it validated when you vote and it would be good for $x depending on what state you live in – so like $1000 for Ohio but only $50 for New Jersey.

    Or he could have some sort of deal with Chick-Fil-A: Vote for Mitt on Election Day and Dinner for the Family is on Me!

    • Geminisunmars

      Now don't be giving them any ideas.

    • shelwood46

      It worked in Mexico. Mitt can even go with their idea of telling them it's worth $1000, but you can't use it till after the election, then after the election it's only worth $20.

    • not that Dewey

      According to Rush Limbaugh, "giving away free money to layabouts" is Obama's entire campaign strategy, and the only reason any ever voted for him in the first place.

      • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

        I'm still waiting for my money!

      • Chichikovovich

        Damn right, baby! I became a citizen just in time to vote for Obama, and right after the election I was awarded tenure. Sweeeeet! That vote for Obama really paid off.

        [Disclaimer: "I was awarded tenure during the Obama administration" is not, in fact, true, but rather "Ryan-true". It is the kind of truth a claim has when you say it happened during the Obama administration, but it actually happened when Bush was president. Like GM plant closings.]

        • not that Dewey

          I get those sweet, sweet child tax credits, and that 3rd standard deduction. He can count on my vote. #obamagivesmemoney

  • fartknocker

    According to Rachel Maddow last night, Team Mitt decided to take this week off. President Obama and VP Biden are out in full force in swing states this week working to convince voters who the correct choice is.

    I wonder if the Super PACs have just given up on Mittens and are now funneling all that money into House and Senate races.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “He wants to save the planet. I want to help you and your family.”

    "By selling you a rubber raft that one of the companies I offshored to China manufactures. You can buy them at Walmart!!!"

  • freakishlywrong

    Can't even listen to him anymore. He sounds as dis-ingenious and as strident as Falin, only with a a hate laugh.

    There were two faces: looking up, with his head tilted, and actually batting his eyelashes at the audience like some sort of prom queen, and the Tough Guy face. The Tough Guy face was the one he employed when spewing nonsense lies about Barry Bamz.
    And this. Ugh, I was thinking the same thing.

  • VeraSevera

    Honestly, the more I'm forced to see this sissified suit and his young earnest gee-whiz whippersnapper side kick…I feel like I'm watching a Batman and Robin episode. If only the Cat woman would capture them and tie them up…it might make me gay all over again.

    • One_who_wanders

      I am very interested in your newsletter and would like to subscribe.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    that his dad gave his moms a rose every morning of their marriage until the day he died

    OMG! Just like Bela Lugosi in Plan 9 From Outer Space! And then he died and came back as Ed Wood's dentist!

    • OneYieldRegular

      With about the same production values, too.

    • CindynEncinitas

      And now he's lurching around the graveyard knocking over all the headstones!

  • hagajim

    Oh dear, Miff Romney

    Is that Miff, as in whiff, because that was a swing and a miss – clean.

    • Isyaignert

      Or, Miff as in "miffed" because that's how he's gonna feel after Obama kicks his @ss?

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Mitt Romney is perhaps the only person on the planet that can make Richard Nixon look like a gifted and engaging orator.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    mitt romney may be weird, but the weird sisters are way too cool for him.

  • Isyaignert

    Condescending? Annoying?

  • comrad_darkness

    The two minutes I toiled through of his speech stunned me with the impeccable impression of Al Gore circa 2000 with the breathy patronizing professor wannabe BS attitude. Were none of his advisors / speech coaches alive in 2000?

    • Geminisunmars

      Be nice. This was the best they could do with what they had to work with.

      • comrad_darkness

        I would have had 10x the respect for Boardroom Asshole rather than Just Don't Worry Your Little Heads Bobblehead

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    angry aging white people don't make for good television.

    well except for archie bunker.

  • not that Dewey

    I've said this before, but that picture — I can literally smell the Gross Rich Old Dude Cologne wafting off those hands.

  • Generation[redacted]

    What, that wasn't Mitt in the empty chair?

    • not that Dewey

      Empty suit, empty chair. Potato potahto

  • prommie

    Poster caption for this man should be "The Banality of Evil."

    • proudgrampa

      Or, as Mitt would say, "Evil is sure banal."

  • DahBoner

    No, no, no!

    Mitt R-Money is doing great Science here, folks.

    He just discovered 67 new ways to sneer at The Middle Class…

  • not that Dewey

    Tom Brokaw agrees, because "objectivity" and "liberal media":

    The best line, I think, in the speech was the one in which he said: "President Obama wants to slow the growth of the oceans, I want to help you and your family."

    -Tom Brokaw

    • Chichikovovich

      But still, it was pretty weak sauce compared to the time Carter argued that electing Reagan would be a step toward demolishing Medicare.

      "There you go again", the Gipper said. I bet Brokaw loved that line.

      And I bet those Carter types who thought Medicare was a long-term target feel pretty sheepish now.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      And not one fuck about Brokaw's opinions was given by all.

  • Chichikovovich

    Like, we get that is lovely (though obvs a complete lie) that his dad gave his moms a rose every morning of their marriage until the day he died,

    I thought that was the only thing in the speech that was true. (OK, maybe he missed a day here and there, maybe he only started on the 5th anniversary not the whole marriage, or whatever. But basically I believe that one.) Let's give some props to George R. who everyone seems to agree was a peach of a guy. Of course, when you have an estate and a battery of gardeners on staff to tend rosebushes, outside in summer and in the greenhouse in winter, it's not quite as much of an operation.

    • prommie

      Like, the 'effort" he had to put into it consisted of establishing a standing order to the servants to have a rose brought to her. By the logic involved here, he also cooked her every meal, did her laundry, and drove her around town in the limo.

      • Chichikovovich

        And attended to her sexual satisfaction, in that sense as well.

        Edit/Afterthought – perhaps through the agency of the same guy that brought the rose.

    • bobbert

      I'm guessing old George was thinking of this old chestnut .

      Edit: emphasis on planning ahead.

      • Chichikovovich

        You have enriched my life immensely bobbert. That was simply the most hilariously awful poem I've ever read. It is to poetry what Florence Foster Jenkins was to Der Hölle Rache.

        Really – you want to stop reading, but you can't tear your eyes away, as if it were the sight of a particularly gore-soaked auto accident or a man with his jaw shot off.

        • viennawoods13

          It's right up there with Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England.

  • midnighttoker69

    Was I the only one thinking about this?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWib8GbrIlA

  • PinkoPopulist

    Whew! Good thing science is a liberal conspiracy that no one believes except the NOobAMA coolaid drinkuhs!!!!!!!!! That's why a Romney presidency will refuse to slow the rise in the oceans and heal the planet!

  • TribecaMike

    I wish you'd given the date of this speech, because I don't remember it.

  • T3rbo

    The only thing I could think of when Willard was delivering this speech was: Why the fuck is his face so smooth? The man is 65 years old and he doesn't have any wrinkles? What the hell??? Perhaps we can blame the emotionless delivery on botox?

    • ttommyunger

      He only bathes in the Baptismal water of dead Jooze.

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Mitt should have baptised Leni Riefenstahl corpse, reanimated it, and have her direct the convention.

    • Chichikovovich

      "Triumph of the Willard"

      • viennawoods13

        That deserves SO many upfists!

  • OneYieldRegular

    On my way to work today I was thinking exactly this, that Mitt and Ann are super weird people. And that was after having already encountered, before 7:30 this morning, a guy belting out disco songs while dancing on the sidewalk, a woman dressed head-to-toe in purple, and a homeless guy engrossed in a fat book on how to cast spells.

    • Chichikovovich

      First of all, I'm not a woman, and second, some of that was violet, not purple.

    • Isyaignert

      I have worked with many Mormons over the years and they all seem brainwashed. But, I guess they'd have to be to believe the crazy chit their church is peddling.

      BTW – are you familiar with "Lying for the Lord?" It's a real deal and explains a lot about Miff Rmoney – http://www.mormonwiki.org/Lying_for_the_Lord

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        That's very interesting, Isy, and does indeed explain quite a bit. The Dems should make this public knowledge.

  • LibrarianX

    Romney has no "O" face, does he?

    • BlueStateLibel

      You only see it when he's firing scores of workers, berating the servants or looking at his bank statements. Even then, he looks the same as he usually does.

  • rocktonsam

    Miffens?

  • http://italkyoubored.wordpress.com/ ffredpalakon

    I think some of the lines in his acceptance speech work, but just need the proper setting. Like, I picture Romney as a villain in a Tarantino movie, interrogating a beaten man tied to a chair, soon to be executed, and suddenly saying, "You know…my father left a rose on my mother's pillow every day of his life. When she found no rose one morning…she knew he was gone. Do…do you leave a flower for your love every morning?" In that context, I think it's chillingly effective.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Jimmy Carter is a former president beloved by whom? He has been one of the Republicans' go-to whipping boys since 1979; a lot of Dems don't appreciate the whole incompetency-in-office-paving-the-way-for-Reagan thing; and AIPAC hates his guts. Is it supposed to be some kind of rehabilitation that they're letting him speak on video at the convention tonight — God forbid Carter should actually appear on stage!!

    • CindynEncinitas

      But what I remember best about his presidency is that he was so chill, he allowed the rest of the world to breathe for a while.

  • Baba_NinjaCat12

    Even a Auton, animated and controlled by the Nestene Consciousness, an extraterrestrial, disembodied gestalt intelligence, is popular than a MittBot 3000 speech. He looked like animatronics man built by Halliburton during the bore of a speech. At least Tron: Legacy was on another channel at the same time of his speech which I watched.

  • kyeshinka

    Relax Mitt. We're not saying it was the worst speech ever, only SCIENCE is saying that.

  • Isyaignert

    Rebecca honey, you and your darling red dresses are on fire!

    Everybody DOES hate Rmoney – even my 82-yo always-voted-Republican-bumper-sticker and button-wearing uber-religious mom isn't going to vote for him. Hell hath frozen over in my world.

  • bearperney

    "He has no enemies, but, is detested by all of his friends." _Ocsar WiIde?

  • Naked_Bunny

    his dad gave his moms a rose every morning of their marriage until the day he died

    Aww. Rich people sure are able to afford romantic stuff like that. Most of us settle for a kiss, or a dirty glare.

  • Poindexter718

    Well, there you have it; you can't argue with science any more than you can argue with an empty chair.

  • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

    Who cares if Mitt gives bad speech? Speeches, shmeeches! As if you actually need to be a good candidate when your acolytes are busy rigging the entire voting process so it works in your favor. Duh!

  • ttommyunger

    I'm looking at that pix and thinking "Why the long face?". Then I realize he knows deep down he is gong to have his pasty-white ass handed to him in November; and by a Blah, to boot.

  • nanooknw

    Thank God someone else noticed the "looks." They were nauseating.
    When he lies he looks up and to the left. The debates should be a riot.