secret histories

Eric Cantor Honors America’s Unsung Managerial Class on Labor Day

I eat poopThe Republican party loves Labor Day so much that it’s gone and created a whole new special double version of it, on the same day. This one, however, celebrates the historical enemy of organized labor, the Noble Small Businessman. Everyone, quick, whip your cat’o nine tails at the nearest laborers to honor the owners of capital. “Today,” Richmond plantation master Rep. Eric Cantor wrote on the Twitter yesterday, “we celebrate those who have taken a risk, worked hard, built a business and earned their own success.” So yeah, he got Labor Day exactly wrong, but he knows that, and that’s why he’s generally considered an unlikable person.

Let’s make several other Conservative Opposite Holidays!

  • Thanksgiving: Murder Bomb Day.
  • Martin Luther King Jr. Day: Woolworth’s Lunch Counter Appreciation Day.
  • Christmas: Stop the War on Christmas Day.
  • Actually “Murder Bomb Day” would pretty much cover them all.


About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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    1. IonaTrailer

      I wish she'd busted out the socialist card and said something to the effect of how would things look if there weren't so many poors. I mean, how much fucking money does one (rich) person and their kids need?

    1. ChernobylSoup

      Freedom isn't free; sometimes we have go through the whole hiring process when one of our employees goes to war. It's a real hassle.

    2. sewollef

      Since you can never have enough, I propose a new holiday:

      '9/11 Day' [a.k.a. 'America's Mayor' day].

      I suppose it could also be called, 'Rudy Tuesday' — but only when 9/11 fell on a Tuesday I guess.

  1. CrunchyKnee

    Hey Cantor, what besides tax cuts for the rich and obstructionism have you built? You economy ruining, Dubya scroat licking, toady of Koch.

  2. EatsBabyDingos

    Belabor Day. If you ain't be laborin', we will belabor your labor. Why not call it "Billionaires are Godz" day?

  3. ChernobylSoup

    These people equate luck with success. Almost everybody works hard in life. Some make millions; most just get by.

    Only losers measure success by household income.

      1. tessiee

        Armistice Day is a commie holiday anyway. Imagine anybody thinking the end of a war is anything to celebrate.

  4. Toomush_Infer

    New Years Day: Remember the Constitution Day; President's Day: Ronald Reagan wuz the Bestest Evah!!! Day; Memorial Day: War on Religion Day…..I believe we could go on and on….

      1. TavariousChinaSmith

        Wait, an adult is allowed to speak words in a Peanuts cartoon? My world has crumbled a little.

  5. fawkedifiknow

    I wish Eric Cantor would show up at a Labor Day parade in my home town. I'd show him a little appreciation.

  6. ibwilliamsi

    How can they be a successful business that they built on their own when they don't have any employees and didn't use any banks or roads or get an education?

    1. sewollef

      This was the same when I was at school back in ye olde England.

      We were taught that Roman Emperor Hadrian built Hadrians' Wall; or that Admiral Nelson defeated Napoleon; or that William, Duke of Normandy built the Tower of London in 1078.

      All of these are obviously not strictly true…. but where's the fun in retelling the history of the slaves/forced labour that actually DID build the Wall or the Tower or the cannon fodder sailors who defeated Napoleon?

      I used to get in trouble all the time at school for pointing out this obvious shorthand to the truth.

    1. tessiee

      Yet another reason why I don't still live in New Jersey

      Trust me, you don't want someone with that look of perpetual dissatisfaction in charge of your paycheck

      "Uccchh!! What is this sweater, CHINESE cashmere?

  7. Poindexter718

    Memorial Day = Military Industrial Complex Day
    Veterans Day = Officers Day
    Secretaries Day = Board of Directors Day
    Mothers Day = Our Collective Uteri Day

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Martin Luther King, Jr Day = Robert E Lee Day. I wish that one wasn't so true around here, but sadly, that's what a lot of the assholes I know do. Blatant Racism is so fucking funny.

  8. Come here a minute

    Can't wait until the next Memorial Day when Rep. Cantor honors all the commanders in chief who bravely sent armies to war.

  9. noodlesalad

    What a turd. Cantor will give the working class a moment's thought, only if he can charge them time and a half plus meals for thinking about them.

  10. OneDollarJuana

    The first thing I thought when I saw that pic was "what a dork!" Then I thought of that alien in "Aliens". They both apply.

      1. actor212

        In America? The banks.

        Where do the banks get it? You and I save our paychecks when we can.

        Where do we get it? From building this fucking country.

  11. Ruhe

    It doesn't take Derrida to figure this one out: If you do not aspire to own your own business you are a failure. Your participation in a successful business of any size is ancillary at best to that success if you were not a creator/founder/manager of that business.

    1. LagunaB

      I specialize in turning companies around when the creator/ founder/ manager are running the company into the ground due to their inept decisions.
      There is never one person that makes anything a success.

    2. CptnSpldng

      The one true 'right' any business owner has in America is the right to run his own business into the ground.

  12. Texan_Bulldog

    Today we celebrate those selfish fucks who inherited their money from daddy and continue to do every thing they can to avoid paying taxes, screwing the little guy & stymieing the economy by not hiring or spending to get rid of the black guy in the White House. Eric Cantor


  13. Chichikovovich

    Veterans Day becomes "Make More Veterans Day".
    Memorial Day becomes "Make More Veterans to Memorialize Day".
    Arbor Day becomes "Logging Day"
    Groundhog Day becomes "Global Warming is a Hoax Day"
    Hanukkah becomes "Who Needs to Conserve Oil Week"
    Christmas becomes "Stop the War on Coal in Stockings Day"
    President's Day becomes "Natural Born Citizens with Long-Form Birth Certificates Whatever the Hell Those Are Day"
    Ramadan becomes "Eat Mor Chiken Month"

  14. TootsStansbury

    True story time. I was out running errands a while back and I passed a man on the sidewalk who from the side, looked like this toadstool. Before I knew it, my fist was balled up and cocked (I know, balls, cocks). Luckily he turned and I could see it wasn't Eric Cantor; owner of the most punchable face in Congress. I almost pretend-belted an innocent stranger! With votes!

      1. Baconzgood

        They called in the PA militia in the dead of night to bust the strike. The strikers actually welcomed and planned a parade for the militia, thinking that they would remove pinkertons and stop the blood shed. But the militia was a state run private army for Frick (the Prick) and Andrew Carnegie. I actually grew up in Homestead so it was one of those things they taught you about (pro Union side) in 3rd grade. Then in 5th, then in 7th then in 10th…

        1. LibertyLover

          Do they still teach it in schools? I thought that in the 80's they started eliminating anything about the labor movement from the history books.

        2. Chichikovovich

          When I lived in Pgh I used to love to go over to Homestead, and eat the Mystery Sandwich at Chiodos (sp?). Look at the old BW photos of Khrushchev driving by Chiodos waving, etc.

          There was a house along the road running along the river with a plaque in front of it, stating that the house had been where the union leadership had holed out to get wireless messages about what was going on at the front lines. Every other house on the block had been torn down, but thank God they kept that one standing as a memorial.

    1. Chichikovovich

      Funny you should say that – in fact, Eric Cantor is planning to introduce a bill to rename Labor day in honor of the heros of the Homestead Strike.

      It will be called "Pinkerton's Day".

    2. James Michael Curley

      I found that we were crossing the Homestead High Level Bridge on early Saturday morning 07/04/92 a hundred years and a few days short of the Pinkerton assault. I almost caused a traffic accident as I had to come to a screeching halt to get in the lane to go down to the old J&L works under the bridge. Although my son was only 4 the following Monday I brought him down to the closed Carnegie Works and walked for several miles along the river. One of the events I will always remember. He doesn't

  15. ChillBill

    "Today, we celebrate those who have taken a risk, worked hard, built a business and earned their own success."

    So, NOT Eric Cantor and his colleagues then.

  16. annettaj

    Eric loves businessmen so much he will now bare his teeth and show us how to bite the head off a real live worker. Dick.

  17. RRoccoco

    Republican glossary:
    Cupidity = Success
    Risk = Federal contracts, Small Business Administration Loans, Tax Breaks
    Worked Hard = Union-busting, low wages, uncompensated overtime, illegal immigrant labor
    Built A Business = Stashed cash offshore
    Earned Their Own Success = Hired lobbyists, funded crypto-fascist politician's campaigns, spent millions on Super PACS
    Labor Day = Capitalism Day

  18. ManchuCandidate

    Not John Lennon's Working Class Hero

    As soon as you're born you make them feel tall
    By giving them the time and doing your all
    Till the Koch is so big you feel nothing at all
    A management lackey is nothing to be

    You hurt them at home and you hit them at school
    They hate you cause you're a kiss ass and not cause you're cool
    That you're so fucking deluded you ignore the rules
    A management lackey is nothing to be

    When you've sucked and kissed Koch for twenty-odd years
    Then they expect you to whore as a career
    When you can't really function you're so full of fear
    A management lackey is nothing to be

  19. Peckerwood_Pete

    Wow, what a cool photo of Eric Cantor… but I gotta ask…. since when did science get around to breeding Jeff Goldblum with a donkey.

  20. Goonemeritus

    Just be glad we do not celebrate Boxing Day or Cantor would require all servants to hock their meager personal possessions to by annual gifts for their betters.

  21. smitallica

    Dear Eric,

    You literally could not be more wrong about who Labor Day is meant to honor. You evil shitbag.

  22. prommie

    Every fucking day is Bosses day. But thats not good enough, they have to get catty about the one fucking token labor day out of the 365 when you're supposed to at least pretend to honor the workers.

  23. MilwaukeeKent

    Photo need fangs — Cantor, you can suck up all you want, but you'll always be, "our pet Jew" to your GOP cohorts. How about we change Labor Day to "Speed Up Production Line Day", and mandate overtime for the first Monday of September? Asshole.

    1. tessiee

      "Cantor, you can suck up all you want, but you'll always be, "our pet Jew" to your GOP cohorts"

      "I once knew a man named Aaron Eisenberg. He changed his name to Erik Colton. Nothing ever became of him." — Dorothy Parker

  24. Chichikovovich

    Someone (I wish I could find a link) Tweeted in response to Cantor: "Today we don't honor Carnegie, we honor the men who fell into the molten steel".

    [Though Cantor might point out that this is quite unfair. Carnegie took a risk setting up those steel plants. He might have lost some money. The moochers who worked for him didn't risk anything, except death, blindness, and loss of limbs.]

  25. T3rbo

    Makes sense to me-think about how many bosses and entrepreneurs gave their lives fighting for capitalism.
    This asshole has just figured out that there are a lot of dumb white pieces of trash who mistrust unions and who figure themselves as the next Donald Trump ("Joe" the "Plumber" types). If you are going to get 67% of the white vote and capture the white house, you need to get as many ignorant white fucks as possible. Probably the same idiots who fear unions are the same idiots who fear sharia law, for the same reason.
    Illiterati? Check
    Religious bigots? Working on it
    Non union low wage workers? Working on it
    Tea Tards? Check

  26. Troglodeity

    In related news, Todd Akin is working with Hallmark on a new line of Mother's Day cards for non-forcibly raped women.

    1. T3rbo

      No, those cards are for the rapists.
      "Jesus thanks you, and I thank you, for making another Mother's Day possible!"

      The cards for the mothers just say "We built that"

  27. BlueStateLibel

    Somewhere a horse is missing a set of teeth. And screw you, Cantor, like you ever took a risk in your entire life.

  28. randcoolcatdaddy

    I won't call Mr. Cantor a pile of monkey feces for his little diatribe about Labor Day but just remind him that the soft supple flesh of management burns quite well when labor gets out the torches and pitchforks.

  29. PinkoPopulist

    It's time we create a new holiday to honor these brave, patriotic job creators. I mean this is America nad we have a holiday to honor the filthy pig-libtards and their blasphemous unions. March-April could use a federal holiday. I propose the last Monday in March as "Job Creators Day." Let's celebrate and cherish these fine patriots and their brave attempts to evade paying taxes at all cost. AMERICA!

  30. WeHaveIssues

    Facial expression of a drag queen if ever there was one. Erika Cantswallow was her stage name I believe.

  31. iamrrm

    That picture! I always wondered what the creatures in Alien would look like if someone flipped on the lights.

  32. ttommyunger

    I've never had an ounce of anti-Semitism in my life, but this asshole could change all that single-handedly.

  33. Tricky_Dick

    This Cantor bitch is looking mighty fugly these days. The only hottie is Pauly (bend over America) Ryan, but he's also a nut job and gov'met hater…even though he's only ever worked for dah gov'met.

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