About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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Hola wonkerados.

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      Guy walks into a bar and hear two big women chatting with a Scottish accent, and said:
      -Oh, the ladies of Scotland.
      -Oh, the whales of Scotland.

      1. Limeylizzie

        What's the difference between a Scotsman and Walt Disney? A Scotsman wears a kilt but Walt Dis Nae.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Which really confused the Greeks, though the Turks were quite pleased with that response.

      1. BoatOfVelociraptors

        I am fairly certain you could find a few plastic surgeons that would be the exception to the rule.

  1. MLHencken

    “Let’s dance,” he said to one, named Jennifer, as she stood up right next to him. They posed for a photo before he turned to her tablemate, who was wearing scrubs, and asked, ‘Are you a nurse?” He then sat down and started speaking to her quietly, presumably about nurses.

    Fucking Joe. Macking like crazy. We love you.

  2. ChernobylSoup

    Hey Eastwood – Biden is the intellectual face of the Democratic Party and we're fucking proud of it.

        1. miss_grundy

          You forgot demented but, perhaps. that is also implied. I guess he had trouble with the chair last night…

    1. rickmaci

      "I'd try some of that oozoo stuff, or whatever you 'll call it, but then damn Barb would be all over my ass."

  3. mrpuma2u

    He could have been Joe Bidenakis. Did he buy a round of Ouzo shots? Or was he bringing the flaming cheese (saganaki) and yelling 'OPA!!!'

    1. Negropolis

      Silly me; this whole time I thought they were yelling "Oprah!" since she's practically a Greek goddess, now. Seriously, though, one of my earliest set of memories is my dad dragging us down to the Greek restaurants and ice cream places in Greektown in Detroit.

  4. SexySmurf

    I can't wait for the debates when Bidenopoulos will shout, "THIS IS SPARTA!" and kick Paul Ryan into a well.

    (I don't know why there will be a well in the middle of the debate stage. That's just poor planning on CNN's part.)

  5. MLHencken

    This is also awesome:

    “Can I get some rice pudding to go?” he asked, just before the pool was ushered out at 1:05 p.m. Now holding in van.

    And then he rubbed one all over himself and threw the empty cup at his driver.

    The end.

    1. iTuna

      I like to think he's hanging back, talking with the owners, eating a big tub of rice pudding, and as his handlers are dragging him out the door, he yells back, asking for more.

  6. Goonemeritus

    Obama defaults to his intellect, Biden defaults to his heart but fortunately for us neither of them has an evil bone in their bodies. To me Joe will always be Italian.

  7. ElPinche

    Poor Ryan. In the debates, Joe's going to distract him with the silly, then kick him in his Ayn Rands.

  8. Antispandex

    I think he just should have said, "I'm Joe Biden, and I like Greek too!" There's no way that could be misunderstood.

  9. Jus_Wonderin

    Did he rub anyones shoulders? Did he pull on the wrong door and make a goofy W face? Did he ask "is our children learning?"?

  10. Mumbletypeg

    I on & off watched convention festivities and never did think to look for the Ultimate Patriotical Symbol of a Flag Pin.
    Then I see Joe fist-pumping at the President and of course, notice right away, Barry's flag pin barely visible on his lapel.

    I like to think it's emblematic that, despite their efforts to vilify the guy, Repubs have made him and his goofy-league second-in-command even *more* Presidential in my eyes.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I so agree. To hold up under such horrifying attacks and language. Damn, they are da manz!!

      1. miss_grundy

        It just goes to show how teaching children good manners will carry them through their lives. I look at the President and think of Jackie Robinson and how he had to put up with so much incivility in order to play baseball. Being the first minority in the White House has been a plus for this country but it has also shown us how far we have to go in order for everyone to be accepted. I think I'll just try to dwell on the positive….

      1. Steverino247

        Like you can get somebody's school records without their permission. Give me a fucking break.

  11. LastGasp

    Approaching a table of men he knew to be African-American, he said "Whazzup, I'm BRO Biden!"
    Well I guess you had to be there…

  12. ttommyunger

    Thanks for cleaning it up, but I happen to know what he said was- "Hi, I'm Joey; is it true youse guys can't get a hard-on unless you smell shit? 'Cause if it is, I know who you'll be voting for….Ba da boom!

  13. rickmaci

    Biden vs. Ryan debate. Shanty Irish Joe vs. Lace Curtain Irish Paul. Joe is coming and he's coming angry. Be there.

    1. just_a_head

      Exactly right!

      Some of my best arguments have been with Irish fellows like Joe. A bit silly on the surface, but whip-smart underneath. Add a genuine love of debate for debate's sake, and they're unbeatable.

      I may be out of line, but a few sips of Jameson's might not be a bad idea.

      1. rickmaci

        +1 on the Jameson. That's should be the official Wonkette drinking game on the night of the VP debate. One shot every time the VPOTUS whoops Ryan's ass on a point. The rest of the bottle when he makes him cry.

  14. Peckerwood_Pete

    Wasn't Joe Bidenopolis Emmanuel Lewis' dad on Webster?

    On a serious note… I really think Joe Biden missed his true calling as a comedy actor. I'd have loved to see a good 80s slapstick with Bill Murray, John Candy, and Joe Biden.

  15. 1stNewtontheMoon

    Joe's the motherfucking man. I'd be totally cool with Obamz getting kinda drunk on purpose and handing Biden the keys a few times a year. They both deserve it.

  16. bringmeanaxe

    Joe Biden reminds me of my dad: goofy jokes, bad puns, and a heart as big as the Grand Canyon.

  17. IceCreamEmpress

    Gaffer Joe! My favorite Vice-President since Henry Wallace. (I like dogs and Socialism, so.)

    Of course, Charles G. Dawes was the only Vice President ever to have written a hit popular song. Posthumously.

  18. anniegetyerfun

    Every. Single. Republican. that I know on Facebook is looking forward to seeing Ryan "mop the floor" with "Jo-jo" during the debates. All I ask is that Joe stop being so good-natured and really take Ryan's head off. I know he MUST have a residual well of anger buried deep within him that can be unleashed.

    1. DemmeFatale

      Never fear, Annie.
      Politicians don't get as far as he has without a good dose of killer instinct.
      There is a ferocious and razor-sharp intellect underneath that genial exterior.

  19. arihaya

    Lucky the man on the table wasn't an Arab or Sikh, otherwise Joe bin Biden or Joe Singh Biden will make wingnuts assplode with anger

  20. lulzmonger

    Greeks let you get away with this = YOU ARE HARDCORE.

    Biden has that thing where he's joky & nice – but you also wonder if he wouldn't channel LBJ hung over & on angel-dust behind closed doors, pick up a nearby office chair & make someone into his personal whiffle-ball with it if they crossed his ass.

    He also hits context like a boss & isn't anywhere near as goofy in a debate, so I suspect Paul Ryan might be about to have his ersatz wonk aura & earnest Amway charisma forcibly ensconced up his urethra.

    There's even an Interwebs rumor floating around now that something calling itself the Lulzmonger Post-Quantum Metapataphysics Council Of Lulzology will be awarding 9,009 EPIC WINZ0RZ bonus-points if Joltin' Joe makes Ryan cry.

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