today in murder

Karl Rove To Murder Todd Akin, Maybe

Spiking the footballYesterday Karl Rove met with a group of billionaires in a secret room in Tampa, where he suggested that murdering Todd Akin might be an appropriate means of delivering his party to higher, more Senate-controlling vistas. It’s about time Karl Rove considered this, the murder of Todd Akin. Wasn’t it sort of obvious…?

From Bloomberg Businessweek:

On the final morning of the Republican National Convention, Karl Rove took the stage at the Tampa Club to provide an exclusive breakfast briefing to about 70 of the Republican party’s highest-earning and most powerful donors. During the more than hour-long session, Rove explained to an audience dotted with hedge fund billionaires and investors—including John Paulson and Wilbur Ross—how his super PAC, American Crossroads, will persuade undecided voters in crucial swing states to vote against Barack Obama. He also detailed plans for Senate and House races, and joked, “We should sink Todd Akin. If he’s found mysteriously murdered, don’t look for my whereabouts!”

Then Rove pleaded with his audience for more money—much more.

No, sorry, no, no money until you come back with Todd Akin’s head on a pike, you twit.

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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159 comments

      1. Ayn Rand Paul Tard

        As long as you refer the breaking their bones with votes, decapitating them with votes, burning the remains with votes, then scattering the ashes to the voting winds, it's all good!

    1. Lot_49

      Probably focus-grouped it with Frank Luntz before presenting it. That guy is one evil fucking genius.

          1. Peckerwood_Pete

            Cool. I went down on a Japanese women once. Or… maybe she was Korean. You can never fucking tell.

    1. Chet Kincaid_

      Tired trope is tired. I saw at least 3 people wish a very straightforward, non-ironic rape on Akin when this all broke out last week, so let your murder fantasies fly.

  1. DaSandman

    Only if Turd Blossom's head is on the pike next to Akin's. They'd look handsome together and their heads could keep one another company.

  2. FakaktaSouth

    See this is why we won't get anywhere. Karl gets to say he wants people dead outright and we are stuck wanting to flail away on people with votes like law-abiders.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I think we need a code. I used to call my Aunt Mrytle Aunt Murder. Of course, I was like 2. But…henceforth Murder is to be switched with Myrtle.

      Example of usage: "Just Wondering if I can myrtle Karl Rove?"

    1. Mittens Howell, III

      As long as he's not suggesting illiterate murder. That's 3/4 of their base gone in one hit.

      1. WhatTheHeck

        If its legitimate murder, the body has ways of suppressing the bullet, thereby canceling the original intent.

    1. el_donaldo

      Well, with notable exceptions for Karl Popper and Karl Urban, the guy who played Bones in Abrams's Star Trek. Other than that, yes.

      1. SorosBot

        And more importantly, played Cupid, Julius Caesar and several other characters on Hercules and Xena. Oh and some role in a couple movies about short people and orcs.

        1. el_donaldo

          He probably hangs out in the New Zealand airport with a sandwich board: "Filming a fantasy epic? Kiwi actor. Owns own sword, sandals."

  3. DerrickWildcat

    Hooray! Today is Bird Friday!

    This is a pretty Green Heron. http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/7900752

    This is a Bird that you have probably never seen because it only lives in the real America. http://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/Buff-breasted_

    Buff-Breasted Sandpiper: It's a Near Threatened species :( http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/7827094

    and lastly, this was the hardest picture in the world to take.
    It's a Black Tern, but he has his Winter Pajamas on now. http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/7827095

    And Karl Rove is a terrible DAD!

        1. mrpuma2u

          This site consists mainly of weirdos. I think I saw that sandpiper one this spring, which I thought was an immature killdeer. Believe it or not, green herons are reasonably common in the actual city limits of Chicago.

    1. evoshandor

      You mean someone mated with Rove? There aren't bags big enough, music loud enough or fantasy rich enough to block out the experience of Rove on top of you, grunting away…

    2. Limeylizzie

      I love birds, so beautiful, we have lots of finches that feed on our deck and one yesterday was sitting on a planter just staring at me and it only had one eye, it was adorable, nor scared at all I think I could have fed it by hand. They fly in our house all the time, we have a wooden A-Frame so the whole front of it is glass and if we have the doors open they come in and fly around, our ceilings are about 25 ft high so they just whirl around and then eventually fly back out.

        1. Limeylizzie

          Which one? Is it that beautiful reddish one, I love him. We are in So. Cal do they live there?

          1. Limeylizzie

            OK I will try to get a pic of one, they are only about 6 inches away from me as I sit on the deck, so should be able to do that. We have a huge pine tree below us , so could well be.

      1. IonaTrailer

        My sister has an indoor ledge on her window and outside a bird-feeder. It's Cat TV!

        (The kitties don't go outside)

  4. ThankYouJeebus

    Karl must have forgotten that Missouri is where John Ashcroft (R-Afraid of Boobs) lost his race to a dead guy.

    1. IncenseDebate

      Now I see the genius behind this plan. Kill Akin, and he wins as a dead guy in Missouri. There's precedence for it!

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    “We should sink Todd Akin. If he’s found mysteriously murdered, don’t look for my whereabouts!”

    Why should he worry? Him and his buds murdered several thousand soldiers and a whole slew of brown people, not even "mysteriously", and they are all still walking around free.

    1. IonaTrailer

      I'm surprised Akin is STILL alive. I predicted Rove was calling in a hit last week when Akin JUST WOULDN'T SHUT THE FUCK UP.

    2. GemlikeFlame

      I suspect a Supreme Court ruling would find that was cruel and unusual punishment…

      …for the other inmates. Now, solitary, and you got yourself a deal.

  6. MissTaken

    “We should sink Todd Akin. If he’s found mysteriously murdered, don’t look for my whereabouts!”

    Sanctity of Life!

    1. SorosBot

      Silly, Akin's already born, therefore his life isn't important and "sacred" like that of a blastocyst.

      1. SorosBot

        He had a name, you know; Incitatus. And was probably a better Senator than say, Jim Inhofe, or than Akin would be.

      1. mrpuma2u

        Bluto's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons but that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Not even kidding: What came to my mind was not..Scatman Crothers' voicing his line, but David Spade on "Just Shoot Me" doing an imitation or adaptation as he froze in terror:
      "I just got what some folks call the Shine!"

      Surely Akin was feeling it right about this time, too.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Given enough cinder blocks, he'll sink….and if Rove mysteriously disappears with him, all the better.

  7. Callyson

    Barbour made the final pitch. “You all give so unbelievably generously. But you know what, I don’t have any compunction about looking you in the eye and asking for more,” he said. He compared the importance of a donation to American Crossroads in this cycle to donations made to “the charity hospital” or a “big not-for-profit cancer research program that you give to.”

    Yeah, because contributing your money for attack ads is exactly like treating sick people.

    Asshole.

    1. widestanceromance

      From the looks of Barbour, he has never had any compunction about asking for seconds of anything.

    2. Generation[redacted]

      It's just like contributing to hospitals and cancer research, if the mission of hospitals and cancer research centers was to cut all funding for cancer screening and treatment.

  8. eggsacklywright

    Rove the Goebbels clone is lower than halibut shit. Will he never see the inside of a jail?

  9. SorosBot

    I don't know why we'd think Rove capable of murder, I mean it's not like he's ever committed any crimes for pure political gain like say revealing the identity of a covert CIA agent as revenge against her husband.

  10. Beowoof

    Oh you know he meant to say Todd Aiken sleeps with the fishes. And the criminal syndicate will control America again.

  11. fartknocker

    If there was ever a justification for kicking the SCOTUS judges in their collective nutsacks for affirming Citizens United versus FEC, the article from Business Week confirms it. Haley Barbour's statements about Mitt are a very scary assessment of the GOP candidate for POTUS.

  12. MacRaith

    Of course, if Akin does wind up mysteriously dead all the right-wing bloggers will denounce Rove as a liberal. Because, you know, only liberals are violent.

  13. Poindexter718

    For me the choicest part of the article was T-blossom saying they need additional cash to "deal with the gender gap issue."
    No doubt these characters believe that can be accomplished by heading to Cosco and buying 140m doses of Midol.

  14. Mittens Howell, III

    Fuck, why not?

    I's not like murder was ever OFF the table for Rove and his henchmen.

    1. kittensdontlie

      'More money or more will be swimming with Todd…', implied a maniacally laughing Rove.

  15. billy_reuben

    “We should sink Todd Akin. If he’s found mysteriously murdered, don’t look for my whereabouts!”

    Finally, a Rove plan I can get behind. Who said bipartisanship is dead?

  16. actor212

    Wow. Did he just threaten a sitting Congressman?

    I'm not sure which is worse: Rove threatening Akin or Eastwood threatening to slit Obama's throat…

  17. Mittens Howell, III

    Obama promised to heal the planet, Rove promised to kill people, Romney promised to … zzzzzzz ….

  18. ManchuCandidate

    All it took was one incredibly boneheaded (but not surprising) remark on rape to undo the bajillions the GOPers wanted to use to save the US Amercia for themselves.

    Todd Akin, US Amercian "hero", GOPer zero.

  19. dennis1943

    When are the fundies going to realize……no,I guess that would require critical thinking…..

  20. alzronnie

    The DNC should hire bodyguards for Todd. Black bodyguards–they are very afraid of the blacks.

  21. KeepFnThatChicken

    I wonder if Karl has any insight on the murder Glenn Beck committe–…

    uh…

    Damn, I hate not being able to talk about that toe-headed crybaby. Is he still on the interwebs?

  22. DahBoner

    You do what you gotta do, they don't give you the key to the Treasury because you're "nice"…

  23. owhatever

    The money men all laughed and laughed, because to not laugh might land them on the fat man's hit list. Write the check, asshole. Assassins don't work for free.

  24. ttommyunger

    I have willingly shook the hand of certain convicted murderers, rapists, burglars and thieves. I would avoid touching Karl Rove with my bare skin under all circumstances. In the case of the former, there was always some redeeming characteristic or attribute. I can't imagine that being possible with Rove.

  25. 1stNewtontheMoon

    Krazy Karl's too sly for that shit. He has contractors for that kind of job. Besides, it's hard to hold a gun when you're covered in santorum 92% of the time.

  26. pdiddycornchips

    Hedge fund billionaires just want to pay less taxes. They don't give a shit about the rest of it. They fund the cultural wars and the voter fraud shit because it helps them elect people who will ensure they pay less taxes. Smaller government, eliminating the department of Education and whatever other shit the Republicans say they want to do when they get in power never actually happen. What does happen consistently and without fail? Hedge fund billionaires get tax breaks. If you want to really fix the economy, it starts with making the people in that room less comfortable.

  27. Negropolis

    What he doesn't realize is how incredibly and realistically ominous this sounds coming from him. It's like an admission.

Comments are closed.