today in murder

Karl Rove To Murder Todd Akin, Maybe

Spiking the footballYesterday Karl Rove met with a group of billionaires in a secret room in Tampa, where he suggested that murdering Todd Akin might be an appropriate means of delivering his party to higher, more Senate-controlling vistas. It’s about time Karl Rove considered this, the murder of Todd Akin. Wasn’t it sort of obvious…?

From Bloomberg Businessweek:

On the final morning of the Republican National Convention, Karl Rove took the stage at the Tampa Club to provide an exclusive breakfast briefing to about 70 of the Republican party’s highest-earning and most powerful donors. During the more than hour-long session, Rove explained to an audience dotted with hedge fund billionaires and investors—including John Paulson and Wilbur Ross—how his super PAC, American Crossroads, will persuade undecided voters in crucial swing states to vote against Barack Obama. He also detailed plans for Senate and House races, and joked, “We should sink Todd Akin. If he’s found mysteriously murdered, don’t look for my whereabouts!”

Then Rove pleaded with his audience for more money—much more.

No, sorry, no, no money until you come back with Todd Akin’s head on a pike, you twit.

[BB]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

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  • bumfug

    It's a good beginning but why stop with Todd Akin?

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      I like where you're going with this… I'm seeing red-state rivers running red with Republican blood.
      .
      .
      .
      Kidding! Murder is funny!

      • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Ayn Rand Paul Tard

        As long as you refer the breaking their bones with votes, decapitating them with votes, burning the remains with votes, then scattering the ashes to the voting winds, it's all good!

        • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

          …and the rivers run red with Republican blood… with votes!

          You're right! It works. Them Republicans have a rule that gets them out of everything.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Wait, so Rove had a good idea?

    • Lot_49

      Probably focus-grouped it with Frank Luntz before presenting it. That guy is one evil fucking genius.

  • Peckerwood_Pete

    Yeah, but unless it's forcible murder, he probably won't die from it…

    • SorosBot

      The body has ways of protecting itself from legitimate murder.

      • Peckerwood_Pete

        Mine does. It's called Judo!

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Yea, I know judo, karate and three other Japanese words.

          • Peckerwood_Pete

            Cool. I went down on a Japanese women once. Or… maybe she was Korean. You can never fucking tell.

  • Baconzgood

    Saying that will get his post deleted on Wonkette.

    • Peckerwood_Pete

      why?

    • el_donaldo

      Did Newell actually suggest impaling Akin's skull with a long, stiff implement?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Tired trope is tired. I saw at least 3 people wish a very straightforward, non-ironic rape on Akin when this all broke out last week, so let your murder fantasies fly.

    • Negropolis

      Does it involve a bleached cranium and a piece of male anatomy?

  • http://twitter.com/bookofruthless boobookitteh

    It's funny because it's true.

  • DaSandman

    Only if Turd Blossom's head is on the pike next to Akin's. They'd look handsome together and their heads could keep one another company.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      The crows would scorn them as pickings.

    • Biff

      Now that you mention it, he does remind me of Piggy from Lord of the Flies…

  • FakaktaSouth

    See this is why we won't get anywhere. Karl gets to say he wants people dead outright and we are stuck wanting to flail away on people with votes like law-abiders.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I think we need a code. I used to call my Aunt Mrytle Aunt Murder. Of course, I was like 2. But…henceforth Murder is to be switched with Myrtle.

      Example of usage: "Just Wondering if I can myrtle Karl Rove?"

      • Geminisunmars

        FYI: Hadassah means mrytle. So we can Hadassah some Karl?

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          So Droopy Dawg Lieberman wife's name is Murder???? Or Myrtle? I'm so confused now.

          • Jus_Wonderin

            Hadassah Lieberman.

          • Geminisunmars

            That's right. That explains a lot, doesn't it?

      • emmelemm

        I like it.

      • Generation[redacted]

        We're just strangers on a blog. Criss-cross.

    • Guppy

      Just wait until S&W announces two new models: the Franchise and the Electorate.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Was he talking about legitimate or illegitimate murder?

    • Mittens Howell, III

      As long as he's not suggesting illiterate murder. That's 3/4 of their base gone in one hit.

      • WhatTheHeck

        If its legitimate murder, the body has ways of suppressing the bullet, thereby canceling the original intent.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The last good Karl was Marx.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      What, no love for Karl Hungus?

    • el_donaldo

      Well, with notable exceptions for Karl Popper and Karl Urban, the guy who played Bones in Abrams's Star Trek. Other than that, yes.

      • SorosBot

        And more importantly, played Cupid, Julius Caesar and several other characters on Hercules and Xena. Oh and some role in a couple movies about short people and orcs.

        • el_donaldo

          He probably hangs out in the New Zealand airport with a sandwich board: "Filming a fantasy epic? Kiwi actor. Owns own sword, sandals."

    • WhatTheHeck

      And then there was Karl Karcher who turned eating a burger into a sexual fantasy.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'd like to ask Mr Rove a couple questions about Vince Foster.

    • rmjagg

      and paul wellstone

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Hooray! Today is Bird Friday!

    This is a pretty Green Heron. http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/7900752

    This is a Bird that you have probably never seen because it only lives in the real America. http://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/Buff-breasted_

    Buff-Breasted Sandpiper: It's a Near Threatened species :( http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/7827094

    and lastly, this was the hardest picture in the world to take.
    It's a Black Tern, but he has his Winter Pajamas on now. http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/7827095

    And Karl Rove is a terrible DAD!

    • eggsacklywright

      My favorite bird is the small-breasted cocksucker.

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

        Weirdo!

        • mrpuma2u

          This site consists mainly of weirdos. I think I saw that sandpiper one this spring, which I thought was an immature killdeer. Believe it or not, green herons are reasonably common in the actual city limits of Chicago.

    • evoshandor

      You mean someone mated with Rove? There aren't bags big enough, music loud enough or fantasy rich enough to block out the experience of Rove on top of you, grunting away…

    • orygoon

      I like birds. I like pictures.

      Good on you!

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

        U R good 2!

    • emmelemm

      Thank you! Very nice Friday photos.

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

        U R good person!

    • el_donaldo

      Nice heron pic! The others are nice too, but I'm fond of herons, green, blue, AND night.

    • Baconzgood

      They look delicious.

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

        U R bad person!

    • Limeylizzie

      I love birds, so beautiful, we have lots of finches that feed on our deck and one yesterday was sitting on a planter just staring at me and it only had one eye, it was adorable, nor scared at all I think I could have fed it by hand. They fly in our house all the time, we have a wooden A-Frame so the whole front of it is glass and if we have the doors open they come in and fly around, our ceilings are about 25 ft high so they just whirl around and then eventually fly back out.

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

        Birds are GREAT!
        One of your Flickr shots might be a Pine Siskin.

        • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

          I looked at it again. No, you're right, it's a Finch.

        • Limeylizzie

          Which one? Is it that beautiful reddish one, I love him. We are in So. Cal do they live there?

          • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

            http://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/pine_siskin/id

            In Winter Pine Siskins and Female Finches are dang near impossible to tell a part. Even worse is that their ranges overlap big time and they both show up to feeders. The main difference is their bill. Finch bills are heavier because they're for crackin' seeds. Siskin bills are narrower because they sneak them into Pine cones for little seeds.

          • Limeylizzie

            OK I will try to get a pic of one, they are only about 6 inches away from me as I sit on the deck, so should be able to do that. We have a huge pine tree below us , so could well be.

      • IonaTrailer

        My sister has an indoor ledge on her window and outside a bird-feeder. It's Cat TV!

        (The kitties don't go outside)

    • Biff

      Nice pictures of birds, but where are the pictures of shit?

    • RadioBowels

      So is that one of those chickenhawks in the post?

    • Arborista

      Great photos! Happy Friday!

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      i know next to nothing about birds.

      i LOVE bird friday.

      thankyou for these.

  • JerkCade

    "Will no one rid me of this meddlesome hayseed?"

    • CthuNHu

      No one could have predicted…

  • SorosBot

    Well murdering politicians who became politically inconvenient worked so well for the Romans.

  • ThankYouJeebus

    Karl must have forgotten that Missouri is where John Ashcroft (R-Afraid of Boobs) lost his race to a dead guy.

    • IncenseDebate

      Now I see the genius behind this plan. Kill Akin, and he wins as a dead guy in Missouri. There's precedence for it!

  • RRoccoco

    Karl Rove, human sacrifice, collection plate. What is the Satanic Mass?

    Jeopardy!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    What is in the water down there?!

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Oil dispersant.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Fracking chemicals and coal mine runoff.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “We should sink Todd Akin. If he’s found mysteriously murdered, don’t look for my whereabouts!”

    Why should he worry? Him and his buds murdered several thousand soldiers and a whole slew of brown people, not even "mysteriously", and they are all still walking around free.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Akin dead, Rove in jail. Win/win.

    • IonaTrailer

      I'm surprised Akin is STILL alive. I predicted Rove was calling in a hit last week when Akin JUST WOULDN'T SHUT THE FUCK UP.

    • GemlikeFlame

      I suspect a Supreme Court ruling would find that was cruel and unusual punishment…

      …for the other inmates. Now, solitary, and you got yourself a deal.

  • MissTaken

    “We should sink Todd Akin. If he’s found mysteriously murdered, don’t look for my whereabouts!”

    Sanctity of Life!

    • SorosBot

      Silly, Akin's already born, therefore his life isn't important and "sacred" like that of a blastocyst.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Less than 70 days until the election. Who do they expect to replace Akin with?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Jesse James?

    • eggsacklywright

      The Nuge?

    • Not_So_Much

      Hologram Reagan?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Eastwood's Empty Chair?

    • Generation[redacted]

      Caligula's horse?

      • SorosBot

        He had a name, you know; Incitatus. And was probably a better Senator than say, Jim Inhofe, or than Akin would be.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "I've got this thing and it's effing golden!!"

    • Callyson

      The cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney?

    • billy_reuben

      Hitler?

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer… Dead!

    • Not_So_Much

      Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?! NO!

      • mrpuma2u

        Bluto's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons but that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    REDRUM!

    • eggsacklywright

      This ties in nicely with the tricycle factory.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Not even kidding: What came to my mind was not..Scatman Crothers' voicing his line, but David Spade on "Just Shoot Me" doing an imitation or adaptation as he froze in terror:
      "I just got what some folks call the Shine!"

      Surely Akin was feeling it right about this time, too.

  • widestanceromance

    Akin strikes me as more of a floater.

    • kittensdontlie

      Given enough cinder blocks, he'll sink….and if Rove mysteriously disappears with him, all the better.

  • Callyson

    Barbour made the final pitch. “You all give so unbelievably generously. But you know what, I don’t have any compunction about looking you in the eye and asking for more,” he said. He compared the importance of a donation to American Crossroads in this cycle to donations made to “the charity hospital” or a “big not-for-profit cancer research program that you give to.”

    Yeah, because contributing your money for attack ads is exactly like treating sick people.

    Asshole.

    • widestanceromance

      From the looks of Barbour, he has never had any compunction about asking for seconds of anything.

    • Generation[redacted]

      It's just like contributing to hospitals and cancer research, if the mission of hospitals and cancer research centers was to cut all funding for cancer screening and treatment.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    ♪♫ Rove-er hill, Rove-er dale,
    As they hit the money trail,
    As Karl's PAC keeps a rolling along…♫♪

  • tihond

    And if you find a dick in Jeff Gannon's mouth, don't come looking for Karl Rove, also.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      If I found a dick in Gannon's mouth, I wouldn't come. Period.

  • eggsacklywright

    Rove the Goebbels clone is lower than halibut shit. Will he never see the inside of a jail?

  • IncenseDebate

    If this were a game of Clue:
    It was Rove in the library with Condi's dildo.

    • Callyson

      Speak softly and carry a big stick…

  • hagajim

    I wish that asshat would just fucking die. He and Grover Norquist are both toxic cancers.

  • Nibbler of Niblonia

    legitimate murder?

    • eggsacklywright

      DOJ says it's OK if you belong to the right organization.

  • SorosBot

    I don't know why we'd think Rove capable of murder, I mean it's not like he's ever committed any crimes for pure political gain like say revealing the identity of a covert CIA agent as revenge against her husband.

    • eggsacklywright

      I seen on the innertubes that Rove is a pedo.

      • Biff

        He's never denied it.

  • Beowoof

    Oh you know he meant to say Todd Aiken sleeps with the fishes. And the criminal syndicate will control America again.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Where does Karl Rover get that John Adams haircut?

    • dmnolan

      It's a weave.

      • Tundra Grifter

        In Karl's case, a Wove.

        [If he were Blah, it would be an extension.]

  • sbj1964

    Even Chuck Norris gives Karl Rove a wide berth.

  • fartknocker

    If there was ever a justification for kicking the SCOTUS judges in their collective nutsacks for affirming Citizens United versus FEC, the article from Business Week confirms it. Haley Barbour's statements about Mitt are a very scary assessment of the GOP candidate for POTUS.

  • MacRaith

    Of course, if Akin does wind up mysteriously dead all the right-wing bloggers will denounce Rove as a liberal. Because, you know, only liberals are violent.

  • Poindexter718

    For me the choicest part of the article was T-blossom saying they need additional cash to "deal with the gender gap issue."
    No doubt these characters believe that can be accomplished by heading to Cosco and buying 140m doses of Midol.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Dealing with the gender gap issue is exactly what got Todd Akin in trouble.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Fuck, why not?

    I's not like murder was ever OFF the table for Rove and his henchmen.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Then Rove pleaded with his audience for more money—much more.

    What a surprise.

    • kittensdontlie

      'More money or more will be swimming with Todd…', implied a maniacally laughing Rove.

  • metamarcisf

    Rove is dead-on. Only instead of Akin, read McCaskill

  • billy_reuben

    “We should sink Todd Akin. If he’s found mysteriously murdered, don’t look for my whereabouts!”

    Finally, a Rove plan I can get behind. Who said bipartisanship is dead?

  • Fox n Fiends

    Just get Akin an empty chair and your problem is solved.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Wow. Did he just threaten a sitting Congressman?

    I'm not sure which is worse: Rove threatening Akin or Eastwood threatening to slit Obama's throat…

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Obama promised to heal the planet, Rove promised to kill people, Romney promised to … zzzzzzz ….

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Just blame that girl with the Kennedy bumper sticker on her bike.

  • mavenmaven

    I suppose he will "take him on a hunting trip"

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      That's Cheney's way. Rove will have Sean Hannity do the hit for him, to keep his hands clean.

    • HistoriCat

      Fishing trip – it was good enough for Fredo.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    All it took was one incredibly boneheaded (but not surprising) remark on rape to undo the bajillions the GOPers wanted to use to save the US Amercia for themselves.

    Todd Akin, US Amercian "hero", GOPer zero.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Meet murder-blossom.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Sorry, I spent all morning arguing with an empty chair. What's going on now?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Is an empty chair the new sign post?

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      The empty chair is still leading the empty suit in the polls.

  • Dildeaux

    CAUSE JOKIN BOUT MURDER IS FUNNY DAMMIT!

  • dennis1943

    When are the fundies going to realize……no,I guess that would require critical thinking…..

  • keepwalkin

    REDRUM!!
    REDRUM!!

  • alzronnie

    The DNC should hire bodyguards for Todd. Black bodyguards–they are very afraid of the blacks.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Great, now all I have in my head is a vision of Rove doing the Dance of the Seven Veils and asking Akin to kiss him.

  • CarnyTrash

    I'm pretty sure that's Riff Raff from the Rocky Horror Picture Show in the image above.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    I wonder if Karl has any insight on the murder Glenn Beck committe–…

    uh…

    Damn, I hate not being able to talk about that toe-headed crybaby. Is he still on the interwebs?

  • DahBoner

    You do what you gotta do, they don't give you the key to the Treasury because you're "nice"…

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    Mike Connell's family probably doesn't think Karl's joke is too funny. http://www.freepress.org/departments/display/19/2

  • owhatever

    The money men all laughed and laughed, because to not laugh might land them on the fat man's hit list. Write the check, asshole. Assassins don't work for free.

  • ttommyunger

    I have willingly shook the hand of certain convicted murderers, rapists, burglars and thieves. I would avoid touching Karl Rove with my bare skin under all circumstances. In the case of the former, there was always some redeeming characteristic or attribute. I can't imagine that being possible with Rove.

  • 1stNewtontheMoon

    Krazy Karl's too sly for that shit. He has contractors for that kind of job. Besides, it's hard to hold a gun when you're covered in santorum 92% of the time.

  • pdiddycornchips

    Hedge fund billionaires just want to pay less taxes. They don't give a shit about the rest of it. They fund the cultural wars and the voter fraud shit because it helps them elect people who will ensure they pay less taxes. Smaller government, eliminating the department of Education and whatever other shit the Republicans say they want to do when they get in power never actually happen. What does happen consistently and without fail? Hedge fund billionaires get tax breaks. If you want to really fix the economy, it starts with making the people in that room less comfortable.

  • Joneses

    Hey, the NRA jokes all the time.

  • TribecaMike

    Suicide is another option, Karl.

  • dmnolan

    Why does everyone here write so fast?

  • Barrelhse

    Here's the update- Akins' response. http://livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com/entry/akins

    • TribecaMike

      That's rich, pardon the pun.

  • Negropolis

    What he doesn't realize is how incredibly and realistically ominous this sounds coming from him. It's like an admission.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Neither are they.