Talking chairs just like in Peewee's Playhouse

Clint Eastwood Cries All The Time, Berates Chairs

"My glasses look different today."The Republican National Convention was interrupted for 15 minutes last night after an 82-year-old man wandered onstage and began muttering to a chair he believed to be the president of the United States. He was interrupted several times by large men with mustaches, but only because they were clapping.

It is unclear who forgot to teach Clint “I Fought in the Civil War” Eastwood what a teleprompter was, but the move caused many watching to describe themselves as “powerful confused.”

There is no way to explain whatever it was Eastwood did last night. It may have been a speech in the planning phases, but what came out appeared to be more of a prolonged, pseudo-political brain-fart, the weird consequence of propping up a spaghetti western star to observe him having a stroke.

Presented here are his exact words, trimmed because WOW there are a lot of them that didn’t make sense.

So I — so I’ve got Mr. Obama sitting here.

[We see he is gesturing toward an empty chair. Mayhaps Obama was busy?]

And he’s — I was going to ask him a couple of questions, but — you know about — I remember three and a half years ago, when Mr. Obama won the election, and though I was not a big supporter, I was watching that night when he was having that thing and they were talking about hope and change and they were talking about, yes we can, and it was dark outdoors, and it was nice, and people were lighting candles.

Fun fact: One of Eastwood’s speechwriters was the corpse of James Joyce.

They were saying, I just thought, this was great. Everybody is trying, Oprah was crying. I was even crying.

Obama: Bringing Oprah and Dirty Harry together, to weep. Vote Romney.

And then finally — and I haven’t cried that hard since I found out that there is 23 million unemployed people in this country.

[All the employed people in the room clap.]

Now that is something to cry for, because that is a disgrace, a national disgrace, and we haven’t done enough, obviously — this administration hasn’t done enough to cure that. Whatever interest they have is not strong enough, and I think possibly now it may be time for somebody else to come along and solve the problem.

THE ENDORSEMENT! “I think possibly now it may be time for somebody else to come along and solve the problem.” Clint might as well kiss Mitt’s feet!

So, Mr. President, how do you handle promises that you have made when you were running for election, and how do you handle them?

I mean, what do you say to people? Do you just — you know — I know — people were wondering — you don’t — handle that OK.

Here’s where it starts to kind of fall apart. Speeches almost always go downhill when they are interrupted by people who are being imagined. (Sermons notwithstanding, of course.)

Well, I know even people in your own party were very disappointed when you didn’t close Gitmo. And I thought, well, closing Gitmo — why close that? We spent so much money on it. But, I thought maybe as an excuse — what do you mean shut up?

Guantanamo Bay: Because we’ve just sunk so much damn money into indefinite extrajudicial detention already.

OK, I thought maybe it was just because somebody had the stupid idea of trying terrorists in downtown New York City. I’ve got to to hand it to you. I have to give credit where credit is due. You did finally overrule that finally. And that’s — now we are moving onward.

Props to Clint on this one. Political conventions hardly ever feature “giving opponents credit for stuff.” This made the speech much better.

I know you were against the war in Iraq, and that’s okay. But you thought the war in Afghanistan was OK. You know, I mean — you thought that was something worth doing. We didn’t check with the Russians to see how did it — they did there for 10 years.

There’s no snark left in the tank here. The man made no. sense. (Also: It is totally hunky-dory to be against the war in Iraq. Good to know.)

And then, I just wondered, all these promises — I wondered about when the –

What do you want me to tell Romney? I can’t tell him to do that. I can’t tell him to do that to himself.

Clint Eastwood: Will let gays get married and babies get aborted, will not tell Mitt Romney to fuck himself. Noted.

You’re crazy, you’re absolutely crazy. You’re getting as bad as Biden. Of course we all know Biden is the intellect of the Democratic Party. Kind of a grin with a body behind it.

What other kind of grin is there? Is Eastwood seeing disembodied grins? WILL NO ONE HELP THIS MAN?

But I just think that there is so much to be done, and I think that Mr. Romney and Mr. Ryan are two guys that can come along.

He’s really laying it on thick, you guys. I think he might consider maybe almost voting Republican.

See, I never thought it was a good idea for attorneys to be the president, anyway.

(Small sample of the presidents who were also attorneys: John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, James Monroe, John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Roosevelt. Also a graduate of Harvard Law School: Mitt Romney.)

I think attorneys are so busy — you know, they’re always taught to argue everything, always weigh everything, weigh both sides. They are always devil’s advocating this and bifurcating this and bifurcating that. You know, all that stuff.

Screw Abraham Lincoln and his rotten bifurcating face.

But, I think it is maybe time — what do you think — for maybe a businessman. How about that?

Hey… maybe?

A stellar businessman. Quote, unquote, “a stellar businessman.” And I think it’s that time.

And I think if you just step aside and Mr. Romney can kind of take over. You can maybe still use a plane. Though maybe a smaller one. Not that big gas guzzler you are going around to colleges and talking about student loans and stuff like that. You are an — an ecological man. Why would you want to drive that around?

OK, well anyway. All right, I’m sorry. I can’t do that to myself either.

Mitt Romney will trade you a small plane for the presidency, please. Also, fuck college students and their hippy-dippy demands for “an affordable education.” Also, Faux-bama is RUDE.

I would just like to say something, ladies and gentlemen. Something that I think is very important. It is that, you, we — we own this country.

[Cut to shot of ecstatic middle-aged white people.]

We — we own it. It is not you owning it, and not politicians owning it. Politicians are employees of ours. And — so — they are just going to come around and beg for votes every few years. It is the same old deal.

(See: Conventions like the one at which Eastwood said this.)

But I just think it is important that you realize , that you’re the best in the world. Whether you are a Democrat or Republican or whether you’re libertarian or whatever, you are the best. And we should not ever forget that.

Republicans are the best! Democrats are the best! Even Ron Paul weirdies are the best!

And when somebody does not do the job, we got to let them go. Okay, just remember that. And I’m speaking out for everybody out there. It doesn’t hurt, we don’t have to be—

[He is interrupted by a real person.]

I do not say that word anymore. Well, maybe one last time. We don’t have to be — what I’m saying, we do not have to be metal [???] masochists and vote for somebody that we don’t really even want in office just because they seem to be nice guys or maybe not so nice guys, if you look at some of the recent ads going out there, I don’t know.

Don’t vote for people you don’t want to be voting for, kiddos. Probably.

But OK. You want to make my day?

[Cheers]

All right. I started, you finish it. Go ahead–

[Audience: Make my day!]

Thank you. Thank you very much.

In other news, early reports indicate an empty chair was just elected president.

For an alternate take, see The Blaze, which headlined the speech “Clint Eastwood Comes Out Shooting,” and said the speech was “steady and grit-filled,” with “a steady aim at the Administration and the policies of the last four years.” Certainly makes one wonder why the AP is reporting that “backstage, stern-faced Romney aides winced at times as Eastwood’s remarks stretched on.” [Washington Post]

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141 comments

  1. RRoccoco

    The chair got the best of poor old Rowdy Yates. But he probably got a tax break on the skit, just like he did for so many of his movies.

  2. Schmegeg

    "In other news, early reports indicate an empty chair was just elected president."

    This was way better than Million Dollar Baby.

    1. Paddy_McStagger

      Poor Clint will be gone in 4 years. Maybe Kelsey Grammer will be senile enough to take his place by then?

  3. Lucidamente1

    Clint's been watching way too much C-SPAN: he thinks "the Chair recognizes the gentleman from . . . " really means "the Chair recognizes the gentleman from . . ."

    1. YasserArraFeck

      Look at me when I'm talkin' to you, you damn' piece of wood.

      Furniture these days – no respect.

  4. Peckerwood_Pete

    I wanted him to tell Obama to get the fuck off of his lawn, and then call him a "zipperhead"…

  5. PsycWench

    It's tough when you get your meds mixed up and then your grandson slips a little acid in them for kicks.

  6. Barbara_

    It's 6:30 A.M. at my house, so forgive me until the coffee kicks in.
    Didn't Clint supply the voice for the Super Bowl Chrysler ad that caused people to think that he was in the bag for President Obama?

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    Guess I oughta just bend ya over the table there and nail ya in the keister. Send ya home with that "just-pumped-the-neighbor's-cat" look on yer face.

  8. DonnyKerabotsos

    Somewhere, Donald T Rump is gnashing his teeth and tearing out his hair (I know) and crying, "I could insult a chair much better than that loser!"

      1. deanbooth

        Excellent! Glad to see he's on top of it.

        (Daydreams about Suzanne Pleshette)

        Also, too, many, many times I've chuckled about his urge to laugh whenever his wife cried.

  9. Tundra Grifter

    During the Super Bowl hafltime there was a long commercial for Detroit narrated by Clint Eastwood. The theme was "We're back – buy our cars."

    The right wing nutz got all upset because they claimed it was political and nothing but a campaign commercial for Mr. Obama paid for by the taxpayers, because the Federal government had bailed out the auto companies to save jobs.

    Now they love Ole Clint again?

    Meanwhile, nobody noticed the things that Mr. Obama was able to get the Republicans to agree to – the auto bailout II, the stimulus package, etc. – WORKED. For the past 4 years the so-called conservatives have been peeing in the soup. And now they complain about the taste.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    It's funny how the Republicans were all bagging on Clint after he made that big "It's halftime in America" ad for the Superbowl but now he's the bee's knees.

  11. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Apparently the new Republican catch phrase is “Get off my lawn!” which is an improvement over “We built this”.

    1. Chichikovovich

      "Deport the guys I paid to mow this." does seem to be the perfect theme for the Republican party of today.

  12. mrblifil

    It's so sad that Obama just wasn't as successful as Republicans hoped he would be… BECAUSE OF DEATH PANELLLZZZ AND TELEPROMPTRRZZZZ!!!1!

  13. Weenus299

    No way it was that bizarre. Was there an Orangutan named Clyde anywhere near that invisible Preznit?

  14. Kid_Charlemagne

    Brilliant political theater. I think we can be certain Mitt just sewed up the white, geriatric, I don't like negroes vote.

  15. SoBeach

    But, I think it is maybe time — what do you think — for maybe a businessman. How about that?

    There was a guy who ran in 2000 who called himself a businessman. Had an MBA from Harvard and everything. Is it already time for another?

    1. Chichikovovich

      But this one is different, because he says he'll turn things around by cutting taxes on the rich, eliminating regulations on the banking industry, pressing to eliminate social security, massively increasing military spending, and sabre-rattling (and probably more) in the Middle East….

      Now that's a program that has promise. That last guy was just a catastrophe.

    2. HELisforHEL

      That went super well! And it's not like 'business leaders' are mostly clueless turds who are arrogant enough to step on people to advance their careers, all the while surrounding themselves with sycophants.
      Oh wait…

    1. James Michael Curley

      After seeing that I will sign up for Twitter. Can you have a name, JamesMichaelCurley, which is longer than a tweet?

      Did it – JamesMichCurley.
      Now what do I do?

      1. C_R_Trogloraptor

        Dunno. I don't do Twitter & that was someone else's linky. I gather that you "follow" people and their "tweets" end up on your site?

        1. James Michael Curley

          Sounds like that stray dog that comes around when I go out for a walk. Except he follows me and his ‘tweets’ end up on my lawn.

      2. HistoriCat

        Start by following @commiegirl1 and @wonkette. Add additional people who catch your eye. Occasionally toss our your own nuggets of wisdom or interesting information/stories you find.

  16. BaldarTFlagass

    Y'all probably didn't know that Clint Eastwood's first film role ever (uncredited) was as the ball bearings that Captain Queeg fondled during the court-martial scene in The Caine Mutiny.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Srsly, this is his first screen role Revenge of the Creature
      I have disliked Clint Eastwood since Coogan's Bluff for two reasons, his character's brutal beating of a very young 'hippie' girl to get information and crashing a perfectly good Triumph Bonneville in the Cloisters.
      Curious that he did all this mayhem as an Arizona Sheriff.

  17. badgitator

    An old white man telling an unoccupied chair to get off his lawn. And to think some people say theater is dead!

    1. Biff

      Who is from Shelbyville, which is what we called Morganville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt…

      1. tessiee

        …because I needed a washtub to wash my turkey, which we called a "walkin' bird". We'd have walkin' bird with all the trimmings — cranberries, gun powder, injun eyes… Now the important thing to remember is that in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. "Gimme five bees for a quarter", you'd say…

  18. ttommyunger

    As I tweeted last night: Empty head quizzes empty chair in support of empty suit to full house of full-blown bigots. Glad I didn't see it on a full stomach….sad, just sad.

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    "A man's got to do something for a living these days."
    "Dyin' ain't much of a living, boy."

    1. UnholyMoses

      And this paddle game. – The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need… And this remote control. – The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need… And these matches. – The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball … And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp, and that's all *I* need. And that's *all* I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one … I need this … The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure.

  20. Jerri

    He had to yell at an empty chair because getting a cloud on stage for him to yell at was too complicated.

  21. eggsacklywright

    Clint probably hates lawyers because of all the ex-wives he's had to wrangle, Rowdy-style.

  22. HolyCow!!

    Clearly, he is a Hollywood Liberal planted in the Republican party years ago for just this moment. The Republicans look like fools, again. Mission accomplished Clint! You can come home now.

  23. kakotechnia

    Fun fact: I just finished working with a debate camp for students in under-resourced schools. The mayor (former lawyer!) of our good-size northeastern city gave the kiddos a pep-talk in which he praised the debaters for learning how to look at both sides of an issue.

    And somewhere in California, a single tear rolled down Clint's weathered cheek.

  24. Chichikovovich

    All right. I started, you finish it. Go ahead–

    [Audience: Make my day!]

    It's been awhile since I saw that movie, but am I understanding right that this means all these ugly old white guys are fantasizing about holding an extremely large calibre revolver at the President's head and daring him to move? That does kind of sum up the Republican party of today.

  25. IncenseDebate

    This is how the convention ends.
    This is how the convention ends.
    This is how the convention ends.
    Not with a bang but with an old dude getting mad at a chair.

  26. Biel_ze_Bubba

    " … this administration hasn’t done enough to cure that. Whatever interest they have is not strong enough, and I think possibly now it may be time for somebody else to come along and solve the problem."

    Yes, Clint, Obama is just not interested in the umemployment numbers. I mean, really, why would he have any reason to be concerned? Also, you're lucky it's considered bad form to dope-slap fuzzy-minded old geezers.

  27. An_Outhouse

    " I just think it is important that you realize , that you’re the best in the world."

    Did everybody get a trophy for showing up? Where's my trophy?

  28. LibertyLover

    We don’t have to be — what I’m saying, we do not have to be metal [???] masochists and vote for somebody that we don’t really even want in office just because they seem to be nice guys…

    I was confused… was he talking about Obama or Romney here?

    1. tessiee

      "somebody that we don’t really even want in office just because they seem to be nice guys…

      I was confused… was he talking about Obama or Romney here?"

      Naaaa, can't be. Romney doesn't seem to be a nice guy. He comes across as a stuck-up douche even to his supporters. And god knows Ryan is the kind of not-nice guy who would walk up to you and snap your neck just for something to do.

  29. An_Outhouse

    "I think that Mr. Romney and Mr. Ryan are two guys that can come" once they get some pills from my doctor. What a great guy my doctor is.

  30. LibertyLover

    I thought I saw Invisible Obama kicking Hologram Reagan during the balloon drop, though. Clearly, he thought no one was watching.

  31. An_Outhouse

    You people are being mean to a nice elderly gentleman. This just proves that Republicans are the real victims.

  32. Sivart_R1

    so, for #RomneyShambles, RMoney went east to insult political allies, and last night, Eastwood came back to insult the rest of us….#RomneyShambles-East(wood)?

  33. T3rbo

    That was just like the rest of the convention, totally underwhelming and with little real content. At least Clint stuck to the talking points
    1)Obama is bad because we say so: don't worry about any facts, you
    2)Romney, he's not so bad, I guess. Meh.
    3)White people

  34. tessiee

    So instead of talking about what an asstard Mitt is, now everybody is talking about what an asstard Squint Westwood is.
    Mission Accomplished.

  35. tessiee

    "we haven’t done enough, obviously — this administration hasn’t done enough to cure that. Whatever interest they have is not strong enough"

    How dare President Obama insufficiently resist our efforts to block him?

  36. tessiee

    A stellar businessman. Quote, unquote, “a stellar businessman.”

    I find it not at all believable that anybody has ever thought, said, or written this. I suspect that, like a lot of other not very bright or educated people, Clint thinks that the function of quotation marks is for "emphasis".

  37. tessiee

    "You have a chipped tooth, your Adam's apple sticks out too far, and you talk too slow." –a Universal Pictures exec to Clint Eastwood in 1959.

  38. mustangsavvy

    Olds. It's always a weird moment when you realise Grandpa's cheese just slid off his cracker but damn if it's not weirder when Grandpa chooses to do it on national TV. Well done Republicans! Now just asking senile people to come speech-ify.

  39. thefrontpage

    EXCLUSIVE TO WONKETTE!

    The Republican National Committee has provided to Wonkette, exclusively, the rest of the Eastwood speech, the portion that was not delivered because of time and sanity constraints:

    Uh. Er. Ah. You know. Um. Bacon. Cheese. Chocolate covered bacon. This country needs to eat more bacon and cheese! We have to support the pig and daily industries. War is bad. Jobs good. Um. Betty White is hot! I love Geritol and Ben-Gay. I'm not making any more westerns, dammit! You kids! You kids don't know anything! I ate dinner today at 4:30 p.m. No, I don't wear adult diapers. Life begins at 90! Where's my pants–oh, I'm wearing them! I asked for Twix bars in the green room, dammit, and they were not there! Who do I talk to! What? Speak up! Get off my lawn! Get off my damn lawn, you commies! Vote Obama-Biden, 2012! Thank you.

  40. fuflans

    all i really learned from this is that hollywood – left and right – is batshit and romney's a crappy candidate and would be a crappy president.

    now let's see what bamz and axelrod have in store for us.

  41. Baba_NinjaCat12

    If the chair could talk about the experience with big fat fanny of Gov. Chris Christie.

  42. clblabin

    Say what you want about Clint, I liked him way better than the rambling, crazy old man they had at the '08 convention.

Comments are closed.