WHOA WHOA WHOA you guys, we stole someone’s credential and sneaked our ass in to this … place, with all the … people … and here is Jeb Bush all up in our grill talking about the greatness that is George W. Bush. So that is happening. Guess we will be starting this fucker … NOW.
8 PM ish — Did you know that when it comes to the excellent governing of George W. Bush, Barack Obama did not build that? Ol’ Jebby’s pretty mad that someone would say mean things about his brother, like that the economy was not good under him and such. How dare you sirrah? How dare you not take responsibility for everything that happened while George W. Bush was “keeping us safe” (except for that tiny time when he forgot.)
8:14 or so — Now Jeb Bush is listing all the kinds of milk, like Rick Santorum listed all the kinds of hands. Cow milk and mouse milk and cat milk from tiny cat nipples, it is just an excellent metaphor for something, we were not really listening as to what that something might have been.
8:18 — Jebby said “Scott Walker” and the crowd here jizzed itself, with semen, in its pants. And speaking of google-eyed homunculuses, we just met Charles P. Pierce!
8:26 — Would you like to see a video of Chris Matthews eating a sandwich? YOU WOULD? Fuckin’ A, this is your lucky day!
8:32 — Here is a picture from the Tweeter, of Mitt Romney “looking at his speech.” What do you think is in his hand? Is it dim sum? Is it a corn cob? It is a used condom, right?
8:38 — And here are a lovely couple of olds, and we adore them. He was a man of modest means, a professional firefighter. Quick, everyone punch a firefighter in the face for receiving a government pension!
8:46 — This bummer of a couple of stories seems like an odd way to prove Mitt Romney is not an inhuman android-man! Now everyone pull up your chairs and listen close to these wonderful stories about dying sons and babies. Everybody, kill yourself, and vote for Mitt Romney!
8:51 — Would you like to see a picture of Charlie Pierce and your Editrix? Damn, is there anything you want that you are not getting tonight? It is like we are reading your mind!
8:56 — Deehan, who not only took the fine pic above but also did the fabulous film Chris Matthews Eats A Sandwich, has now suggested a movie treatment: ’80s execs spread around Manhattan to find a college girl on X. It stars Steve Guttenberg.
8:58 — OK cool, that guy is done talking about how Mitt Romney is great because it only cost him $1.3 billion in taxpayer muneez to build the Olympics, and also when a girl went missing he did not even say, “Well fellows, I suppose we should just let her die.” MITT FOR EMPEROR! CHOOSE LIFE!
9:10 — Your Editrix cannot understand this Mexican person. Couldn’t they have found an American to do this job? Instead of listening, let us steal some blog from Andrew Sullivan, who has seen Mitt Romney’s speech and calls it “spectacularly vacuous.”
What we have been allowed to see is so spectacularly vacuous, I really don’t know what to say. There is also a huge lie to start with:
Four years ago, I know that many Americans felt a fresh excitement about the possibilities of a new president. That president was not the choice of our party but Americans always come together after elections. We are a good and generous people who are united by so much more than divides us.
In the middle of the worst recession since the 1930s, in his first weeks in office, the GOP monolithically voted against his stimulus, including the third of it which was tax cuts. They even opposed tax cuts because Obama proposed them! Mitch McConnell said the following out loud:
“The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president.”
There’s more of course. You could read it! Some of us have blogger ethics and do not steal other people’s entire posts unless we really feel like it.
9:27 PM – Lady Rebecca’s internet is down, so this is Jesse stepping in to help her. Okay, let’s see what this…OH FUCK MY FACE TAYLOR HICKS GODDAMMIT.
9:31 PM – It is time for Olympians, but only ones you haven’t heard of. I will assume they’ll all talk about how great it is that Romney saved the Olympics in 2002. Or wait, no, this is apparently about women? What in the deuce does this have to do with anything?
9:34 PM – There are now a lot of Olympians onstage, presumably waiting for the free condoms that come whenever more than five Olympians are in the same place. Joke’s on them – that’s abortion at the RNC.
9:37 PM – Mike Eruzione, hero of the Miracle on Ice, is here to tell us about how Mitt Romney saved the 2002 Olympics, by doing many things that sound vaguely good. I hope there is a Disney movie made of this speech.
9:40 PM – A short Mexican is speaking now. That’s not racist. That’s how he described himself.
9:42 PM – Unlike Romney’s hired help, this is a Mexican Mitt will admit was around his home.
9:47 — It is I, your Editrix, and I have internet again! You guys, we don’t know if you know how it feels to be a Jew surrounded by 15,000 people spitting USA at the top of their lungs, but it is fascist and scary! And we didn’t even have any internet to run to your warm virtual arms for a soothing hug! WE WERE SO ALONE.
9:50 — So it is Clint Eastwood time, right? What a great surprise, just truly stupendously exciting and great. HEY WHO CAN WE FIND who is 82 YEARS OLD and MAKES BIZARRELY MEAN-SPIRITED FILMS like that awful Changeling, and then Play Misty for Me, which was hilarious. Did you know that in the ’70s, nighttime jazz station DJs lived in perfect beach apartments in Carmel and drove Jaguars and shit? Christ that was a stupid movie.
9:55 — Maybe it is not Clint Eastwood time? That would be a relief, we frankly do not care for his “mean old man” shtick. But what is this? How good is Miff Romney at not doing exactly the wrong thing no matter what? (NOT VERY GOOD AT IT.)
9:58 — Mitt’s family were refugees from a revolution? Is this a thing they have said before? Has anybody heard this? Is he talking about something besides the fact that they moved to Mexico so they could remain polygamists? SOMEONE TELL ME. TELL ME NOW.
10:02 — Yeah, here is Old Crotchety. Wooo, and cetera. Gone Hollywood!
10:04 — Oh, it is Clint Eastwood who is going to fire Obama then? Sorry, Trumpy. SAD FACE. And the crowd applauds for “23 million unemployed people in this country.”
BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY DO.
10:07 — Yes, interviewing an empty chair and a teleprompter is MUCH BETTER STAGECRAFT than firing an Obama impersonator, especially how it is unscripted? ACES CALL, Convention producers. Just tops!
Betty White would have nailed this fucker in one take
— TBogg (@tbogg) August 31, 2012
10:13 — I have nothing to say about this. I am without words.
10:17 PM – Jesse again. I mean, seriously, I cannot process Marco Rubio’s complete sentences. My entire life is just old men stuttering at chairs now.
10:19 PM – Rubio says Obama won’t take this nation forward. Okay, yeah, good, but let’s discuss the fact that Dirty Harry just spit hot fiery verbal diarrhea all over a $2.5 million stage.
10:21 PM – “America was founded on the principle that every person has God-given rights.” Except [insert all non-white men here].
10:25 PM – Marco Rubio starts apologizing for the economic downturn, which, again, is Obama’s fault. This is just tiresome. We get it. Obama did lots of terrible things that made everything bad in our lives happen, and he should fix it. Except that we should not depend on government for anything. This needs more off-message old men.
10:28 PM – THIS CROWD LOVES PEOPLE WHO STAND BEHIND PODIUMS.
10:30 PM – It’s almost Mitt time! Thank Jebus, because Rubio’s largely vacuous populism is wearing incredibly thin. But he does have the slightly fatted jaw of a toddler, and a shiny tie.
10:30 PM – MITT! He enters down an aisleway like it’s the State of the Union, except that there’s this weird thing where he’s kind of shoving people away but trying to pretend it’s a hug.
10:36 PM – Mitt finally gets to the stage and accepts the nomination. Good night everyone!
10:38 PM – Oh, fuck, Mitt is still talking. Do you know how much SoCo I just downed? Also, Paul Ryan loves his mom, haha, what a little fuck.
10:39 PM – Mitt firmly places the freedom to build a business above all other freedoms, which the Founders would be totes surprised by.
10:40 PM – The delivery on this speech is so bizarre. Mitt has the same smirk no matter the line.
10:44 PM – Mitt’s entire speech is about how things are terrible and should be better, and then…? I think we can take it for granted that Mitt is always on call to give America a reacharound whenever necessary, but I think we need to know exactly what kind America gets. Lotion? Fast? Slow?
10:48 PM – This is the least genuine any person has ever sounded talking about their own parents.
10:49 PM – Mitt Romney loves women and love and America, except when any of those things want to assert actual control of themselves in ways he doesn’t approve. Sounds like a compromise!
10:51 PM – Thus far, Mitt Romney has made a convincing case that he is not Jerry Sandusky, which was one of his biggest potential liabilities.
10:53 PM – I’m seriously kind of boggled that this is the RNC speech Mitt Romney is giving. And his anti-Obama punchlines are not landing as hard as he’d like, mainly because it’s weird when people pivot from showing you family photos to shitting on a dude.
10:57 PM – After 20 minutes, Mitt Romney is slowly, grudgingly moving toward talking about what he might do as President, maybe. But first, another ten minutes of how Barack Obama hates success in all its myriad Caucasian forms.
10:59 PM – Mitt is doing a good job at lying sort of generally in ways that Morning Joe will fawn over rather than lying specifically in ways that Morning Joe will steadfastly avoid.
11:01 PM – Barack Obama would send jobs to China! And he would cut government spending that would also result in job lo…Obamacare is terrible!
11:03 PM – I will liveblog Mitt’s plans now! He has a plan to create 12 million new jobs! First, drilling a lot and being energy independent! (This cannot happen, because the world market will respond accordingly.) Second, school choice! (That will create jobs by oh look number three.) Three, trade agreements! (What do they say? Who knows?) Four, cutting the deficit and balancing the budget! (Why this will create jobs…huh?) Fifth, championing small businesses by reducing taxes and regulations and Obamacare! (And then having a sick, low-paid workforce.)
11:06 PM – Oh, and point six – NO GAY MARRIAGE. FOR THE ECONOMY.
11:08 PM – Mitt will go on a jobs tour, in stark contrast to when Obama spent all of 2009 making out with dictators.
11:09 PM – Mitt’s entire foreign policy agenda will just be talking shit to every other country on the planet and chanting “USA!” at them.
11:11 PM – The Romney administration will be 60% giant balls, 30% big dick, and 10% belief in America.
11:14 PM – So, that’s over. Romney’s entire presidency will be making snide references to alleged Obama gaffes and hugging businesses. Cue the balloons. Good night, and remember to talk to your empty chairs, because they get lonely.