it's the final countdown

And Now We Shall Live-Bloog The Ultimate Of Everything, Tampa-Styley

dumbyaWHOA WHOA WHOA you guys, we stole someone’s credential and sneaked our ass in to this … place, with all the … people … and here is Jeb Bush all up in our grill talking about the greatness that is George W. Bush. So that is happening. Guess we will be starting this fucker … NOW.

8 PM ish — Did you know that when it comes to the excellent governing of George W. Bush, Barack Obama did not build that? Ol’ Jebby’s pretty mad that someone would say mean things about his brother, like that the economy was not good under him and such. How dare you sirrah? How dare you not take responsibility for everything that happened while George W. Bush was “keeping us safe” (except for that tiny time when he forgot.)

8:14 or so — Now Jeb Bush is listing all the kinds of milk, like Rick Santorum listed all the kinds of hands. Cow milk and mouse milk and cat milk from tiny cat nipples, it is just an excellent metaphor for something, we were not really listening as to what that something might have been.

8:18 — Jebby said “Scott Walker” and the crowd here jizzed itself, with semen, in its pants. And speaking of google-eyed homunculuses, we just met Charles P. Pierce!

8:26 — Would you like to see a video of Chris Matthews eating a sandwich? YOU WOULD? Fuckin’ A, this is your lucky day!

8:32 — Here is a picture from the Tweeter, of Mitt Romney “looking at his speech.” What do you think is in his hand? Is it dim sum? Is it a corn cob? It is a used condom, right?

8:38 — And here are a lovely couple of olds, and we adore them. He was a man of modest means, a professional firefighter. Quick, everyone punch a firefighter in the face for receiving a government pension!

8:46 — This bummer of a couple of stories seems like an odd way to prove Mitt Romney is not an inhuman android-man! Now everyone pull up your chairs and listen close to these wonderful stories about dying sons and babies. Everybody, kill yourself, and vote for Mitt Romney!

8:51 — Would you like to see a picture of Charlie Pierce and your Editrix? Damn, is there anything you want that you are not getting tonight? It is like we are reading your mind!

8:56 — Deehan, who not only took the fine pic above but also did the fabulous film Chris Matthews Eats A Sandwich, has now suggested a movie treatment: ’80s execs spread around Manhattan to find a college girl on X. It stars Steve Guttenberg.

8:58 — OK cool, that guy is done talking about how Mitt Romney is great because it only cost him $1.3 billion in taxpayer muneez to build the Olympics, and also when a girl went missing he did not even say, “Well fellows, I suppose we should just let her die.” MITT FOR EMPEROR! CHOOSE LIFE!

9:10 — Your Editrix cannot understand this Mexican person. Couldn’t they have found an American to do this job? Instead of listening, let us steal some blog from Andrew Sullivan, who has seen Mitt Romney’s speech and calls it “spectacularly vacuous.”

What we have been allowed to see is so spectacularly vacuous, I really don’t know what to say. There is also a huge lie to start with:

Four years ago, I know that many Americans felt a fresh excitement about the possibilities of a new president. That president was not the choice of our party but Americans always come together after elections. We are a good and generous people who are united by so much more than divides us.

In the middle of the worst recession since the 1930s, in his first weeks in office, the GOP monolithically voted against his stimulus, including the third of it which was tax cuts. They even opposed tax cuts because Obama proposed them! Mitch McConnell said the following out loud:

“The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president.”

There’s more of course. You could read it! Some of us have blogger ethics and do not steal other people’s entire posts unless we really feel like it.

9:27 PM – Lady Rebecca’s internet is down, so this is Jesse stepping in to help her. Okay, let’s see what this…OH FUCK MY FACE TAYLOR HICKS GODDAMMIT.

9:31 PM – It is time for Olympians, but only ones you haven’t heard of. I will assume they’ll all talk about how great it is that Romney saved the Olympics in 2002. Or wait, no, this is apparently about women? What in the deuce does this have to do with anything?

9:34 PM – There are now a lot of Olympians onstage, presumably waiting for the free condoms that come whenever more than five Olympians are in the same place. Joke’s on them – that’s abortion at the RNC.

9:37 PM – Mike Eruzione, hero of the Miracle on Ice, is here to tell us about how Mitt Romney saved the 2002 Olympics, by doing many things that sound vaguely good. I hope there is a Disney movie made of this speech.

9:40 PM – A short Mexican is speaking now. That’s not racist. That’s how he described himself.

9:42 PM – Unlike Romney’s hired help, this is a Mexican Mitt will admit was around his home.

9:47 — It is I, your Editrix, and I have internet again! You guys, we don’t know if you know how it feels to be a Jew surrounded by 15,000 people spitting USA at the top of their lungs, but it is fascist and scary! And we didn’t even have any internet to run to your warm virtual arms for a soothing hug! WE WERE SO ALONE.

9:50 — So it is Clint Eastwood time, right? What a great surprise, just truly stupendously exciting and great. HEY WHO CAN WE FIND who is 82 YEARS OLD and MAKES BIZARRELY MEAN-SPIRITED FILMS like that awful Changeling, and then Play Misty for Me, which was hilarious. Did you know that in the ’70s, nighttime jazz station DJs lived in perfect beach apartments in Carmel and drove Jaguars and shit? Christ that was a stupid movie.

9:55 — Maybe it is not Clint Eastwood time? That would be a relief, we frankly do not care for his “mean old man” shtick. But what is this? How good is Miff Romney at not doing exactly the wrong thing no matter what? (NOT VERY GOOD AT IT.)

9:58 — Mitt’s family were refugees from a revolution? Is this a thing they have said before? Has anybody heard this? Is he talking about something besides the fact that they moved to Mexico so they could remain polygamists? SOMEONE TELL ME. TELL ME NOW.

10:02 — Yeah, here is Old Crotchety. Wooo, and cetera. Gone Hollywood!

10:04 — Oh, it is Clint Eastwood who is going to fire Obama then? Sorry, Trumpy. SAD FACE. And the crowd applauds for “23 million unemployed people in this country.”

BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY DO.

10:07 — Yes, interviewing an empty chair and a teleprompter is MUCH BETTER STAGECRAFT than firing an Obama impersonator, especially how it is unscripted? ACES CALL, Convention producers. Just tops!

10:13 — I have nothing to say about this. I am without words.

10:17 PM – Jesse again. I mean, seriously, I cannot process Marco Rubio’s complete sentences. My entire life is just old men stuttering at chairs now.

10:19 PM – Rubio says Obama won’t take this nation forward. Okay, yeah, good, but let’s discuss the fact that Dirty Harry just spit hot fiery verbal diarrhea all over a $2.5 million stage.

10:21 PM – “America was founded on the principle that every person has God-given rights.” Except [insert all non-white men here].

10:25 PM – Marco Rubio starts apologizing for the economic downturn, which, again, is Obama’s fault. This is just tiresome. We get it. Obama did lots of terrible things that made everything bad in our lives happen, and he should fix it. Except that we should not depend on government for anything. This needs more off-message old men.

10:28 PM – THIS CROWD LOVES PEOPLE WHO STAND BEHIND PODIUMS.

10:30 PM – It’s almost Mitt time! Thank Jebus, because Rubio’s largely vacuous populism is wearing incredibly thin. But he does have the slightly fatted jaw of a toddler, and a shiny tie.

10:30 PM – MITT! He enters down an aisleway like it’s the State of the Union, except that there’s this weird thing where he’s kind of shoving people away but trying to pretend it’s a hug.

10:36 PM – Mitt finally gets to the stage and accepts the nomination. Good night everyone!

10:38 PM – Oh, fuck, Mitt is still talking. Do you know how much SoCo I just downed? Also, Paul Ryan loves his mom, haha, what a little fuck.

10:39 PM – Mitt firmly places the freedom to build a business above all other freedoms, which the Founders would be totes surprised by.

10:40 PM – The delivery on this speech is so bizarre. Mitt has the same smirk no matter the line.

10:44 PM – Mitt’s entire speech is about how things are terrible and should be better, and then…? I think we can take it for granted that Mitt is always on call to give America a reacharound whenever necessary, but I think we need to know exactly what kind America gets. Lotion? Fast? Slow?

10:48 PM – This is the least  genuine any person has ever sounded talking about their own parents.

10:49 PM – Mitt Romney loves women and love and America, except when any of those things want to assert actual control of themselves in ways he doesn’t approve. Sounds like a compromise!

10:51 PM – Thus far, Mitt Romney has made a convincing case that he is not Jerry Sandusky, which was one of his biggest potential liabilities.

10:53 PM – I’m seriously kind of boggled that this is the RNC speech Mitt Romney is giving. And his anti-Obama punchlines are not landing as hard as he’d like, mainly because it’s weird when people pivot from showing you family photos to shitting on a dude.

10:57 PM – After 20 minutes, Mitt Romney is slowly, grudgingly moving toward talking about what he might do as President, maybe. But first, another ten minutes of how Barack Obama hates success in all its myriad Caucasian forms.

10:59 PM – Mitt is doing a good job at lying sort of generally in ways that Morning Joe will fawn over rather than lying specifically in ways that Morning Joe will steadfastly avoid.

11:01 PM – Barack Obama would send jobs to China! And he would cut government spending that would also result in job lo…Obamacare is terrible!

11:03 PM – I will liveblog Mitt’s plans now! He has a plan to create 12 million new jobs! First, drilling a lot and being energy independent! (This cannot happen, because the world market will respond accordingly.) Second, school choice! (That will create jobs by oh look number three.) Three, trade agreements! (What do they say? Who knows?) Four, cutting the deficit and balancing the budget! (Why this will create jobs…huh?) Fifth, championing small businesses by reducing taxes and regulations and Obamacare! (And then having a sick, low-paid workforce.)

11:06 PM – Oh, and point six – NO GAY MARRIAGE. FOR THE ECONOMY.

11:08 PM – Mitt will go on a jobs tour, in stark contrast to when Obama spent all of 2009 making out with dictators.

11:09 PM – Mitt’s entire foreign policy agenda will just be talking shit to every other country on the planet and chanting “USA!” at them.

11:11 PM – The Romney administration will be 60% giant balls, 30% big dick, and 10% belief in America.

11:14 PM – So, that’s over. Romney’s entire presidency will be making snide references to alleged Obama gaffes and hugging businesses. Cue the balloons. Good night, and remember to talk to your empty chairs, because they get lonely.

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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1,412 comments

  1. Mumbletypeg

    There better be a retro Mormon-baptism conversion of Ronnie's hologrammed ghost at the conclusion. Nothing else would make the pain of listening to Mittens' speech worthwhile.

    1. kittensdontlie

      I am gonna need Ronnie's hologram to act all alzheimery and start going off on the Mittard. If Ronnie tells him 'he didn't build that'…that would be fun.

  2. Callyson

    OK, time to power up C – Span, and get the numerous beers…good thing I also got some wine as a backup…

  3. FakaktaSouth

    We want fat schools, low fat schools, you know, just like milk. Are these people serious? Does this actually make sense to ANYone really or do they all just pretend?

    1. vodkamuppet

      Well the fat schools would be like Baptist schools and the low fat schools would be like… Wait, no that doesnt make any sense. Just go with it.

      1. PuckStopsHere

        The fact is that they are lapping it up. With all the thoughtfulness of the average house cat. Not to in any way disparage cats.

  4. SorosBot

    Jeb talking about milk now, in a way that sounds like Bubba talking about shrimp in that contender for the worst movie ever made, Forrest Gump

    1. miss_grundy

      Probably more like Reagan talking about ketchup as if it were a vegetable, which would then allow contractors to make more money purveying food for school lunches. If ketchup is a vegetable then you don't have to cook real vegetables for the poor kids who would get the lunch for free.

  5. OurHoboSenator

    Ha ha, Jeb said this guy got a great "election" because of school choice. When he clearly meant "great erection."

  6. SorosBot

    And it's nice to have a real liveblog instead of the impromptu one below; thanks Rebecca!

    Man Jeb hates unions; those horrible, horrible teachers, wanting livable wages for an incredibly tough job.

  7. FakaktaSouth

    These people doing the public speaking here are at least the proper benchmarks for the best Republican ideals in education can offer. Good. Lord.

  8. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Rebecca, glad you found the right guy to shower affection on for your credential. Sure, you will feel dirty in the morning, but being at the GOP's convention would have made you feel that way anyway.

  9. SorosBot

    And thanks to school "choice" programs, some students in Louisiana are now learning that the Loch Ness Monster is real, and disproves evolution.

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Yep, like Condi said this is the "civil rights issue" of our day: freedom to pull kids out of schools and make the schools pay for them to study how the world was made in six days and god rested on the 7th while Darwin was a demon who repudiated his own evolutionary theory in favor of Jesus. Christ, these people couldn't invent new ideas if Chris Christie threatened to sit on them as motivation….

  10. SayItWithWookies

    So Franz — how much was that voucher for? Did you get financial aid? Was it government secured and therefore at a better interest rate than you could get otherwise? Was the school, unlike your public school, selective and able to reject the people it didn't feel had the aptitude to succeed? And was this voucher in addition to the money that funds public schools, or was it an excuse to defund schools and send that money to parochial schools that clearly spend even more money per student? Just asking.

  11. Callyson

    "States must lead this national movement"

    How is it a national movement if the states are leading it? Or do these fuckers really think all 50 states are going to buy into this hype?

    1. miss_grundy

      Obviously, a teacher did not check this speech for the correct use of grammar, logic, or anything else for that matter….

  12. weejee

    <Dubbya> was “keeping us safe” (except for that tiny time when he forgot

    So you're expecting Mittens to fly this convention straight into the side of the outhouse? Zat 'bout it? Turn Tampax into Turdsylvania?

  13. savethispatient

    Ah school choice, so we can let the failing schools continue to fail but we don't have to send our kids there. Instead, the children of the parents who don't have the time / money / inclination to worry about which school to send their kids get a bad education instead. Perfect for the Republican Party's "American Dream" of born-into-privilege, stay-in-privilege.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      And born-out-of-privilege, stay-out-of-privilege. The Rombains of the world must have their nail ladies and nannies and gardeners, after all.

  14. LibertyLover

    I'm gonna need a place to put all of these vouchers that the Republican party will be giving me. What if I lose my vouchers?

    1. Veritas78

      I think they give you a booklet and you glue 'em in. Like green stamps. Remember them? And an onion. Don't lose the onion.

  15. coolhandnuke

    Looks like it's gonna be a Three Bottle of Mad Dog Night to get through the shit, lies and videotape.

        1. Barrelhse

          Old Duke and Silver Satin (white) are both cheap, sweet, fortified Port "wines" favored by the alcoholics in my area [ Portland ME ] in the 50's and 60's, judging from the number of empty bottles EVERYWHERE.

  16. Callyson

    "God bless our excellent teachers"

    Because we sure as hell won't be paying them a living salary…

    1. miss_grundy

      Because we'll be getting rid of them before long, if we have our way and replace them with not-so-good teachers so that the poors will never learn anything and won't get any uppity ideas…

  17. Callyson

    I'm assuming the promo videos are as awful as the musical interludes, and am hitting the mute button the moment they come on.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    Wow, what a shitpot of uninspired bad slogans thinly veiling cruddy ideas Mr. Jeb Bush turns out to be. No wonder he didn't outshine Duibya, who was all stupid but far more blustery.

    1. BoroPrimorac

      After Rick Scott, saying you were governor of Florida doesn't carry the same weight it once did.

  19. SorosBot

    As someone who comes from a family of teachers, I just want to say fuck you, Jeb. Fuck you very much.

  20. C_R_Trogloraptor

    Man, I just flipped to MSNBC, Tweety was speaking loudly and earnestly and I got to the fourth word before I spasticly hit the MUTE button.

    I'm just not prepared for this.

  21. mavenmaven

    I'm afraid. Last night Paul Ryan ruined Led Zeppelin for me, what else will I have to remove from my ipod after tonight?

  22. Callyson

    The former Staples CEO will be speaking? Maybe someone will ask him why his stores are chronically understaffed and we have to wait in line forever because they are too cheap to hire more people and don't give a crap about wasting their (former) customers' time…

    1. Incitefully_Joe

      As someone on the twatter noted, Mitt Romney deserves credit for ALL THE JOBS that Staples has employed over the years. Because it's not as though, before Staples, mom-and-pops stationary and/or office supply stores were super-common-place.

  23. FakaktaSouth

    Chris Matthews just yelled at Al Sharpton for calling someone a token? Being in Tampa this week is making all these people crazy too. Oh and yay Chris Hayes, poor dude, he just wants to make a salient point. I love him.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I love him, too. I would adopt him, but I understand he already has lovely parents living in the Bronx. Is that other cute smartie Ezra Klein available? I make a mean brisket that will remind him of his grandma. He can talk to me about his charts and graphs while I cook.

      1. miss_grundy

        Anything by the Platters?????? These people probably watch the doo-wop infomercials public television runs during pledge season, which here in Detroit is now every other month, since the Rethugs hate PBS.

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      If you don't know who Moog was, you're just not allowed to be relevant in the year 2012. Just grab an onion and tie it to your belt.

  24. Callyson

    "We can do better"

    Yes, so long as we get rid of the obstructionist idiots and assholes from your party in Congress…

  25. C_R_Trogloraptor

    Now that the MUTE button has been stabbed, I'm playing this. Loud.

    There's something that will never find it's way on to Paul Ryan's iPod.

  26. Callyson

    "We believe in an America that doesn't punish success, but celebrates it"

    So tired of this line. No one is punishing success, bitch: we are asking that the success of the *middle class* and *working people* in sustaining this nation be rewarded with a living wage, rather than robbing them to coddle the 1%…

      1. miss_grundy

        Who haven't created jack shit because they are too busy buying car elevators for the new houses they are building so nobody can see how many cars they own.

  27. Doktor Zoom

    And speaking of google-eyed homunculuses, we just met Charles P. Pierce!

    Well OK, Rebecca, there went your chance of ever being on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me!

  28. SayItWithWookies

    Brooks on PBS just wondered why, if the Tea Party was here, why wasn't the anti-Wall Street aspect of them here? Because David Brooks hasn't been paying attention, obviously.

  29. FakaktaSouth

    I don't know how long I am honestly going to be able to do this. One can only say "Fuck You" at the tv so many times before it starts to lose all meaning.

    1. montreal_bruin

      I'll bet Mittens still found a way to deduct his "in-kind services" as a Moronic bishop.

  30. Callyson

    "Pure religion is to visit the fatherless and the widows in their affliction:

    But forget about doing anything that actually helps them, like social welfare. Let those freeloading kids get a job!

    1. SorosBot

      Um, that's not religion; that's charity, which is based on morality which has absolutely fuck-all to do with religion, in fact religion is anti-morality.

    2. BoroPrimorac

      "Pure religion is to visit the fatherless and the widows in their affliction:

      Then get the fuck out of there as quick as possible so you don't contract poor people diseases.

  31. mayor_quimby

    This whole Mormonism thang sounds kinda socialist. Will they pay my mortgage if I join up?

    1. miss_grundy

      If you really want to join a cult, why not scientology? After all, you might get the chance to hang out with celebrities…..

    1. miss_grundy

      But he and Annie had to live on like 60K while he was in grad school, so they had to eat a lot of regular food.

  32. Callyson

    Oh, for God's sake, shut up already.

    ETA: the audience looks bored too. I'd feel sorry for them if I gave a shit.

  33. LePiston

    I'm not Mormon, but when this guy says pastor, is he actually talking about a position as bishop? So that the evangelicals don't get heebie jeebied?

    1. Biff

      I don't think they have such a rank as pastor in the heirarchy, they're just dumbing it down for the evangelical audience.

    2. mayor_quimby

      Short answer, yes. But they say it's a lay position cuz you don't go to seminary or whatever. So same thing, but the qualifications are kinda nebulous.

  34. FakaktaSouth

    We teach self reliance and service to our fellow man. If you are supposed to be self reliant who are all the good Mormons you are bragging about in service to? This is stupid. I want to help people but no one should ever need help, you hear?

  35. TribecaMike

    I'm looking forward to Mitt's telling his mostly evangelical audience about how he believes there are many inhabited planets with their own gods and goddesses and how Jesus and the Holy Ghost are the sons of this planet's particular god and his wife. That's gonna be awkward.

  36. Blueb4sinrise

    Okay, I'll watch some, but not with the sound.

    HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  37. no_gravity

    "What do you think is in his hand?"

    It's a picture of Jan Brewer and he haz a sad that she's endorsing Obamz.

  38. AddHomonym

    If someone doesn't call for taking back the Panama Canal, then this whole thing is a failure. TAKE IT BACK!

  39. SayItWithWookies

    Lady, it's nice that Mitt did these things — but that was his job at the time. He was supposed to do that. He doesn't seem to do too much of that on his own, though.

  40. C_R_Trogloraptor

    All right, now. I keep seeing "LSD" Congregation on the teevee.

    That's just me, right?

    1. LePiston

      And how creepy is it that he touched her laundry? Even if a guy we've been friends with came over and folded the laundry, I would be creeped out.

  41. DustBowlBlues

    What are we watching, listening to? I mean, by what means are we watching the Mormonfest? I'm on Current because CNN sucks and MSNBC is too loud. Also, the Current people comment on the speeches as they go along, which breaks the hate.

    And Rowdy Yates is the surprise guest? I like his movies but really, this is beyond the pale. I don't wish the man ill, but he is too old and if he suffered a heart "episode" before Mittens speaks, I could live with it. So I guess that means I wish Clint ill. Shit. His new movie looks good, too. But principles have costs which is why Mittens has none.

  42. Callyson

    I'm glad to hear that Mitt is such a humanitarian. Now, if only his concern for people were evident in any of this policies…

    1. Arborista

      Monday's policies or Tuesday's policies? He's been all over the friggin' map, so he's bound to have said something you can agree with, right?

  43. TribecaMike

    If I get a snockered before, during and after Mitt's speech, will I go to hell? And is that covered by ACA?

    1. TribecaMike

      Good question. You would think that being in the capital of the vitamin supplement industry, Utahans would all be in superb physical condition.

  44. Blueb4sinrise

    BOOBIES GONE!!!!!!!!!!
    Show the blond in the crowd with the BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!
    WTF kinda director does c-span have!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. Guppy

      Is it that C-SPAN has a thing for blondes, the GOP has a bleach addiction, or some combination of the two?

  45. Doktor Zoom

    Mitt Romney understands that helping people through tough times should only be done by individuals, voluntarily. Once any tax money is used to help people, it creates dependency.

  46. DustBowlBlues

    I never thought I'd say this, but thank god for Cenk Y. He just reminded the pontificating Spitzer about doing good though the policies you believe in.

  47. Callyson

    "Wasn't Ann Romney great Tuesday night?"

    Even the speakers know how much of a snoozefest *tonight's* speakers have been…

    1. SorosBot

      No, she was horrid as usual. And had the same awful plastic surgery beak-nose that Callista does.

      1. Serfville

        They all look alike, as in the Stepford Wives movie. They all go to the same plastic surgeons, get the same "refreshing" injections, Botox etc….Which cost a gazillion dollars a year. I used to work in an "establishment" where these society types came in all the time. I swear to God I couldn't tell them apart. Scary. And I resent her dressing like a schoolmarm Tuesday night when she has been Cindy McCaining it on the campaign trail with gazillion dollar outfits and jewels & now she's dressing like Miss Marple for the poors. Ameerikans see through all this crapola

        1. SorosBot

          What I don't get is I thought plastic surgery was supposed to make people look more attractive. Why do so many Republicans get the same surgery that makes them look uglier instead?

          1. Serfville

            It's a "Disease of Affluence" like Type II Diabetes and Heart Disease from eating too much hollandaise sauce & such. Have you ever seen the worst plastic surgery ever? That Lion Billionaire lady from Europe has had so many plastic crap jobs she looks like a lion. She thinks she's a goddess. Insanely BAD.

    2. Serfville

      "Hey how about these great decorations the kids made aren't they great?" ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
      Please let me know when the pics of Mitt being a janitor come up. Oh, that's right they were just too young kids way back when, in the old days that couldn't afford a Polaroid. And they still have those 2 sawhorses from back in the day holding up their car elevator just to remind them of the best days of their lives! My BS meter just landed on Mars on the way to Gliese 581 the Goldilocks planet in the constellation Libra.

  48. FakaktaSouth

    Wasn't Ann Spectacular? I wanted to fuck her, did you wanna fuck her? Bob White is obviously a man of questionable character.

  49. Callyson

    Too bad you did not live *up* to that trust when it came to the workers you fired (and bye bye pensions too) so you could cash in on your speculative "business."

  50. DustBowlBlues

    Al Gore et. al. just said thank goodness the Mormon issue hasn't been a part of the race, so far. Ha. Wait until I win that lottery and start airing attack ads, then we'll see what a little LDS educatin' on the public does to the Mittbot.

  51. OurHoboSenator

    Bob White, you have fallen so far from your days as the firebrand leader of the Canadian Auto Workers union….

  52. ttommyunger

    Well, I've finally figured out the difference between Dubya and his fluffy brother: the hand up Jeb's ass moving his lips is well-manicured.

  53. Callyson

    God, and I was complaining about the B – string speakers from *last* night…I better get some coffee or I won't make it to Mittens' freak show…

    1. Biff

      I think there's that one black guy on the speed-skating team, and maybe the Jamaican bobsledding team…

  54. Doktor Zoom

    Gosh, this Mitt Romney fellow sounds like a… panicked college senior padding his resume.

  55. Bezoar

    Okay, this is familiar; I have a really lame, narcissistic, but powerful boss, of whom similar bullshit is routinely rendered.

    1. Sharkey

      There was something about taking E at a rave involved in that story, in case you're actually wondering. Not heroin as far as I know.

  56. FakaktaSouth

    Does it make him out of the ordinary that he didn't make this guy work when his kid went missing? How low is the bar here? Scraaaaaape that barrel Bob.

  57. Doktor Zoom

    Bain Capital Children's Charity… we'd pick up failing preschools, sell off the assets, and turn em around for a tidy profit

  58. SorosBot

    Mitt was dedicated to his church; that's nice, did he actually do anything to help people while he was busy profiting by destroying jobs though?

  59. SorosBot

    They're playing that awesome Obama speech yet again – um, do these people know they're trying to defeat him, not reelect him?

  60. C_R_Trogloraptor

    Oh, here we go with the "WE BUILT THIS" nonsense.

    Oh, and we're "becoming Informed" about Bain Capital now! A little late for this,eh?
    Ralfalca's long out of the barn on that one.

  61. Callyson

    If Staples has provided so many jobs, why are they always understaffed? I waited in line forever more than once because they were too cheap to hire enough people to work the registers…and now I get everything online…

  62. TribecaMike

    Damn, this is really hard to watch. I mean the way Roger Federer is destroying this German kid at the US Open.

  63. mayor_quimby

    I would like to announce that I do great shit for poors all the time, I just never say what, because that would be gauche.
    Now, I am off to a yacht party held by a poor, overtaxed billionaire.

  64. Callyson

    WTF is the difference between an economic investment and an engine of prosperity? Is that supposed to make sense?

  65. SayItWithWookies

    Well this is interesting — the dude from Staples is criticizing President Obama for investing in a company that wasn't successful. So fewer people should take risks on startups with a dream, you say?

  66. OurHoboSenator

    Great, the RNC ruined the Ohio State fight song for me, two days before the start of the new season.

  67. Blueb4sinrise

    Shit just got real. Stemberg looks like he's spoken to a crowd of people before.

    [probably laying them off]

  68. eggsacklywright

    Fuck these people. In the bum. With a frozen anvil. Sideways.

    This is my prayer, Almighty Grid.

  69. SorosBot

    "The private equity industry that has created so many new jobs" – by destroying even more old ones. Fuck these people don't live in reality.

    Oh and did you hear of the stimulus package? This administration fucking did create jobs, moran.

  70. Callyson

    God, I cannot *wait* until the DNC…I hope and assume Wonkette will be live blogging that as well…

  71. Guppy

    Where were they?

    Educating the high-school graduates your business relies on for employees, that's where.

  72. GlowneyHouse

    What the hell was that about making his employees work back to back double shifts? Was he bragging about that?

      1. Callyson

        Shit, *I* did not know that until just now, and I'm a news junkie. Fucking worthless news media…

  73. Callyson

    Little league games you miss? Fucker, try "the doctor's appointment you miss because you have no health care because you only make $10/hour," jerk…

  74. GlowneyHouse

    Oh good…he's going to talk about the steel plant in Georgetown, SC that Bain bankrupted!

  75. Toomush_Infer

    Yeah, the thing about Mitt as a Mormon preacher is….I lived in Salt Lake City in the 60s – Mormons were very good to other Mormons….other people? Not so much…. When they say "Whatsoever you doeth to the least of us…", they're talking about other Mormons….

  76. Doktor Zoom

    Two gin-scented tears are trickling down the sides of my nose. But it's all right, everything is all right, the struggle is finished. I have won the victory over myself. I LOVE BAIN CAPITAL!

  77. SayItWithWookies

    The PBS wonks are pondering why Mitt didn't bring out testimonials like the two from Mormon families he ministered to way before this point in the campaign. But for some reason none of them brought up that they'd notice that Mitt was the pastor of a church for something like ten years. Have we elected a minister before? I know it was a problem for Fuckabee and Jesse Jackson. It may not be a negative to be a Mormon — but to be a pastor — yes, that would call one's objectivity into question, and rightly so.

    1. Arborista

      But he wasn't paid- the Mormons take 10% of everything you got, then require you to work for them for free. Sounds almost socialist?

  78. SorosBot

    More attempts to defend Bain's destructive record. Man they really are on the defensive here,

    1. An_Outhouse

      they can't let go of the whore theme. koch all day, by now they're feeling a lttle guilty. (no they're not)

  79. smokefilledroommate

    I had Wesley Jessen daily wear contacts in the '80's. No matter how much I cleaned them or disinfected them, I ended up getting Giant Papillary Conjunctivitis. They were extremely thick and let no oxygen in. Never experienced that again with daily wear contacts. To this day I wear contacts (disposable, but still).
    (Oh man, I must be drunk–sorry.)

      1. SorosBot

        And to non-East Coasters, Worcester is actually pronounced as "Wooster". No I have no idea why.

  80. Callyson

    "How did he fix our state?"

    By pursuing the very moderate policies from which he is running today…

  81. FakaktaSouth

    I swear to God, I would be FINE with Mitt saying, "I was born rich as fuck and got even richer after that. I have been very lucky, I would like to do something good for other people" instead of all this "I know what it's like to worry about making it from paycheck to paycheck." Who with a bit of reasoning believes him when he insists on lying this way? I hate this. These c-span promo breaks are making me as sick as the talky-talkers. Oh wait, here's his lady Lt Gov from Mass…I may have spoken too soon…

  82. Guppy

    They can't mention Romney's gubernatorial cabinet without highlighting the gender ratio.

    Affirmative action?

  83. SayItWithWookies

    Kerry Healey, Mitt's Lt. Gov, said Romney turned the state around by bringing together both Democrats and Republicans — of course the state's legislature was something like 90% Democratic, so it wasn't too difficult to reach across the aisle.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      And try to speak like men? What is this lady's testosterone content? She's gonna fart and scratch her balls before she leaves the stage. HUH HUH HUH guffawing is a worse look than that shoulder padded dress she's wearing.

  84. Callyson

    Yeah, speaking of that downgrade, the ratings agencies were quite clear that it was the gridlock in *Congress,* created by the Reeps, that led them to lower the US' rating…

  85. Limeylizzie

    Charles Pierce totally wants to touch your breasts! I love him, he is actually much more attractive than I had thought.

      1. Limeylizzie

        Delicious! Saw him yesterday, they are at home now, about 4 blocks away from us, so we can snag him all the time!

      1. SorosBot

        But he's one of the lamest supervillains ever; really the F4 villains who are not Doctor Doom or Galactus suck.

  86. SorosBot

    Hey, idiot, the credit downgrade was caused by the Republican congress refusing to raise the debt limit, not Obama.

  87. Callyson

    "He will never apologize for America"

    No, but we Americans will have to do so on a regular basis if he comes to power…

  88. Mumbletypeg

    "Thank you Mitt Romney for Believing in America. In America you can Believe in Mitt Romney." I can't even comment. It's worse than Santorum's "Make America America Again."

  89. littlebigdaddy

    Mitt Rmoney, I saw Mavis Staples at Red Rocks last week. And you, sir, are no Mavis Staples!

    1. C_R_Trogloraptor

      This is where all the Fructose Baptists at home go to pee and grab another Glucerna shake. They won't see this. So it's all good.

  90. Callyson

    God, get on with the athletes already. I want to know who to root against, if any of them are still active.

  91. FakaktaSouth

    I am loving all these assholes having to cheer for shit Taxachusetts has done. They are so confused, it's like the first time cognitive dissonance has become a real thing that they notice.

    1. Arborista

      You heard the mighty roar of approval every time someone mentions Mitt's willingness to reach across the aisle? Me neither…

      1. FakaktaSouth

        And when that lady said she was a liberal democrat at the end of her speech? It was like they all wanted to take back every clap. I swear these people would be hilarious if they weren't all around me.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      We never did like Politico anyway, did we? No, we didn't, except I can't remember why but whatever it was I said then, I still agree with.

  92. Come here a minute

    Why the lull? Are we waiting for Livebloog 2: The Bloogening? Probably giving us time to read Sullivan. (As if.)

    1. TribecaMike

      A servante is a device magicians use to stash objects out of sight. That's all I can come up with.

  93. Serfville

    You think Ann "You People" Romney & Cindy McCain have had bad plastic surgery? Check out Joycelyn Wildenstein she wanted to look like the lions her and hubby hunted on their "game ranch", so she got 4 mill of plastic surgery to look like a lion. She built that! http://www.famenetworth.com/2011/01/jocelyn-wilde
    Ann is on her way to above I'm sure. They can never stop that bad plastic surgery nonsense once it starts.

      1. Serfville

        Nighmarish hell plastic surgery x infinity. These surgeons have no souls, but neither do their clients, they deserve each other.

  94. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Up to this point, Republicans held Massachusetts as the epitome of liberal failure. Tonight MA sounds like paradise. Great schools, equal rights for women insurance for every body. WTF!!

  95. C_R_Trogloraptor

    What. The. Fuck.

    …is a Rat Pack impersonator doing singing a DOOBIE BROTHERS SONG!?

    Christ almighty, the things I go though for this blog…

  96. SorosBot

    Who the fuck is Tailor Hicks, besides someone who can't sing?

    And he's even a worse dancer than me; and I'm horrible at dancing.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      He is a guy who was on American Idol. I don't know if he won because I don't watch that shit, but I do know who he is, he lives here in this piece of shit state I live in and owns a restaurant one of my cousins worked in. I am so god damned embarrassed, again.

      1. SorosBot

        OK, I think I remember that, thanks to having a mother who loves that shit show and won't take "I don't care" for an answer when talking about it. Was he the one who won over an obviously superior singer, who also obviously had the gay, and so was unacceptable to middle American Fox viewers?

    2. Butch_Wagstaff

      He won some glorified karaoke contest and like all the other 1200 "winners" of it, no one remembers who his is.

  97. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Ha! A liberal singing praises of Mitt is going to get the wingnutz wondering (again) if Mitt is a real conservative.

  98. mavenmaven

    I think the message of taking it to the streets may not be exactly what they think it is.
    I was raised here in this living hell
    You don't know my kind in your world
    Fairly soon the time will tell
    You…telling me the things you're gonna do for me
    I ain't blind and I don't like what I think I see

  99. TribecaMike

    "I have the amazing blessing…" Blessings have grades? I'd settle for a crappy blessing right now, like my tv will die.

  100. Callyson

    Women of America are a force to be reckoned with

    Yes, as Mittens is finding out, to his dismay…

  101. SayItWithWookies

    "I think we showed the world that women in America are a force to be reckoned with."

    Yeah, especially since they were allowed to participate in combat. Under President Obama, of course.

  102. Callyson

    "Don't mess with the Mitt"? Jesus, Michigan, I've not been in your state since I was a kid but surely you have better things to brag about than being the home state of a robot…

  103. Limeylizzie

    These people make me want to weep, scream, put my foot through the TV and vomit and I am only vaguely listening to them from the next room.

  104. SorosBot

    Olympic people! They're good at obscure sports that no one pays attention to except once every four years, so you know you can trust their opinion on politics.

    Oh and isn't Scott Hamilton, you know, a male figure skater? Republicans usually don't like those types.

  105. Beowoof

    So the BIlls are playing the Lions, it is the start of the 4th quarter. Buffalo down, 31-24. Anything else happening tonight?

    1. Beowoof

      Bring in Neal Boortz, and you could have Neal and Bob, what would be more perfect for the republican convention.

  106. DustBowlBlues

    Oops. Current is cold blowing off the athletes. I don't like the Olympics anyway and never watch them, so who gives a fuck? I wouldn't know any of these people. All I know about Olympics is that every time I turned on the teevee there was water polo, whatever that is, on my teevee screen.

  107. Callyson

    "the Olympic movement"

    WTF? Now, I like the Olympics, but FFS, it is an athletic competition, not a civil rights organization…

  108. OurHoboSenator

    I can't believe they didn't lure Tim Thomas out of his bunker for this. Speaking of right wing hockey players…

  109. DustBowlBlues

    Finally, David "You're Welcome" Shuster is going to be on my teevee again. He has a fiance, with hurts. Pretend boyfriends are so much more fun when they don't tweet pictures of their young, beautiful brides-to-be.

  110. C_R_Trogloraptor

    WE are all fortunate that Mitt Romney kept that Movement burning!

    urgh, burning movements. That's best done in Quiet Fields

  111. quequoi

    I smell fear and desperation in the air with this verbal fellating of Romney regarding the 2002 Olympics. Nothing about policy. Nothing about his plans for running the country. Just a bunch of people kowtowing to hockey. Hockey? Are we Canadians now?

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Just one more example of how Mitt Romney understands the PRIVATE SECTOR so well, which is important for running the government because. Are the Olympics even a private sector thing? It feels like a corporate fuckfest, but aren't they organized by the UN or whatever?

  112. Doktor Zoom

    Tom Tomorrow twitted: "My attention has gone missing. Maybe Mitt can put together a team and rescue it. "

  113. SayItWithWookies

    This is horrific — I mean, there's a reason people don't ask athletes to have long interviews. Giving speeches is just beyond the pale.

    Maybe it's part of the strategy — this is the roofies before we pass out in the bedroom, isn't it?

  114. no_gravity

    Olympics from 10 years ago, and a winter one at that, are they cheering in lowercase usa usa usa?

  115. IonaTrailer

    *How* well do you *know* Mitt??? Derek? Com'on buddy, the night was cold and clear. You were nervous. The Mitt called. And….

  116. FakaktaSouth

    Oh lord I never thought I would be WAITING for MITT DAMNED ROMNEY to be breaking some monotony. Come ON now.

  117. SayItWithWookies

    "Our country was still reeling from the wound — the trauma — the pain of September eleventh."

    That happened under nobody's watch and was nobody's particular intelligence failure. But we'll adopt all his policies again if we're elected.

  118. mavenmaven

    …unlike anything I ever experienced… I then took the condom out of my ass and said, thank you, Mitt…

  119. Sharkey

    Awww Scott, don't cry, what about all those wars we started? Didn't those feel good? Yeah they did. It's OK to be happy. There there boy.

  120. Callyson

    BTW, from Democrats.org…

    The Salt Lake games got more taxpayer dollars than all of the previous U.S.-hosted Olympics combined: a whopping $1.3 billion. For comparison, the 1984 games in L.A. received $75 million and the 1996 games in Atlanta received $609 million. It's clear that the real hero of the 2002 games was the American taxpayer.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      That needs to be somewhere in addition to the web site. An web ad is coming, I assume. And the twitter, which I read now but can't figure out how the fuck it works and what all those symbols mean.

      Still, I follow people and read the shit they twit, which I think is pretty damned good for an Old.

  121. mosjef

    Bushed, Chainy, and Condo Rice squandered hundreds of billions for nothin'. That's why the rest of the mouth breathers keep chanting "We billed it"

    1. Negropolis

      I was born in America, too, but I was born in Motown, which isn't Real America, so I might as well be a Canadian or a Cambodian or some shit to them.

    2. Sharkey

      USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

  122. LibertyLover

    Ann Romney isn't following the red dress rule…

    Will Mitt be having the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing too?

  123. SayItWithWookies

    Oh yeah — Mitt Romney inspired the country that wins more medals than anyone else to win a record number of medals. You know what else was a record for the Olympics? The amount of federal money that Romney secured for an Olympic games in the US — I think he got $1.2 billion for the 2002 games, when the previous record had been $300 billion for a summer games.

  124. Guppy

    Heart-warming, tear-jerking appeals to emotion: because you really don't want to hear our policy ideas…

  125. IndianaKevin

    I was born in America, the land where people dare to dream. (The only one because JeebUS!)

  126. Serfville

    If Clint Eastwood starts making Inspector Callahan/Dirty Harry analogies, I'm calling "Scorpio" & begging him to throw me off the Golden Gate Bridge.

  127. quequoi

    Quivering in anticipation for the newly remodeled Mittbot 3000 complete with new humanity/compassion patch!
    CLUELESS-A! CLUELESS-A! CLUELESS-A!

  128. Guppy

    I'm tired.

    The convention is more boring than usual.

    C-SPAN isn't showing enough cleavage.

    The commentariat is wandering into "mean/angry drunk" territory.

    I'm off to bed. Wake me up if the Paultards go Second Amendment with their votes or something.

    1. emmelemm

      The commentariat is wandering into "mean/angry drunk" territory.

      Which is different from usual, how?

  129. Negropolis

    Big Brothers been on, so I haven't seen a thing. I caught a piece of Jeb and some random teacher earlier in the night, but switched off. WTF with the yellow background was my only impression and comment.

    1. Designer_Rants

      "bust-outs". That is a perfect description of what Mitt would call a "Leveraged Buy Out". I'm remembering the Sopranos episode of doing a bust-out on that sporting goods store. Bain Mafia.

  130. IonaTrailer

    America roaring back from the fact that business and capital left – because they want CHEAP labor? Not the interests of the American people.

  131. Callyson

    I've got the set on mute, and my dog is still barking at it. Maybe I should get some food for him and put him in another room until this is over–unlike Mittens, I'm not into animal abuse…

    1. TribecaMike

      Nick, Drew, Justin and Jeff ? It's like getting a year's worth of Tiger Beat on the same day!

  132. SorosBot

    GAH THE BAND IS TRYING TO RUIN THE FOUR TOPS FOR ME, BUT THE FOUR TOPS ARE AWESOME; STOP THAT.

    1. BathroomGoblin

      9………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………11

  133. Self-Uploader

    Clearly, I've lost my edge because I really didn't foresee that they would link the fucking Olympics in UTAH in 2004 with 911which happened in godless NYC after all in 2001.

    And now Romney's talking about LOVE and I'm going to barf.

  134. Doktor Zoom

    ICK ICK ICK I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT ROMNEYLOVE!!!!!!!!!! It is even worse than Al and Tipper sucking face for an hour that one time

  135. Callyson

    Out of curiosity, am I missing anything by tuning into C – Span instead of MSNBC?

    (I don't even want to know about CNN, much less FOX…)

  136. DustBowlBlues

    I adored Ann's story about the long winter afternoons with five boys running around the "House". Like the Romneys lived in a two-bedroom tract house, not a gigantic mansion with staff keeping track of the little bastards.

  137. quequoi

    STFU Mitt!!! Talk to my Mother you asshole. Her husband of 25 years is a two-term Vietnam vet with MS and PTSD. They live on Veteran benefits and Social Security.
    If they had a dancing dressage horse, there are days when they would eat it.
    Screw you both. No lube. No reacharound.

  138. TribecaMike

    I just don't get why they're ignoring all those years Mitt spent in a tiger cage in Hanoi.

    1. Negropolis

      Mitt ain't a quarter of the man his daddy was. And, even his daddy was principled to the point of being rigid.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Yes, from the Mexican government's tyranny against Polygamy and other weird Mormon stuff. No shit.

  139. CthuNHu

    I loved the still photos with the flickering torches. We can haz Mitt gifs?

    Oooh… "knuckle-snorts!"

    1. Biff

      The family ran from US persecution against polygamy, then back to the states when the Mexicans had enough of it, too.

  140. Blueb4sinrise

    Can't make it……weak………. you…..you go on without me.
    I'll try to catch up……no really…..I'll be okay…..just leave beer and PIZZA!!!!!!!!!!

    1. Designer_Rants

      "And son, you won't just stop at extracting all the wealth from natural paradises that should be left unsullied. You will also do it to American communities, by borrowing money to purchase community employers, then making the employers borrow more money — more money than would ever make sense to anyone — and you will steal this money from them. Then you will sell these businesses and watch them fail under their new impossible debt loads. And all the community's citizens who made a living and a home while working there can go fuck themselves."

  141. Negropolis

    You're right, Mitt isn't in this for himself. He's in this for his fucking money. He'd die before he'd let his money be attacked and taken from him. You just know if Mitt were some day to lose his fortune, he'd be on of those wealthy guys jumping from the Empire State Building. They try to pretend that he's deeper than that, but he's not.

  142. Serfville

    Just what America wants: The cheap asshole who won't leave 20% then drives off in an Escalade. Good one RNC. "Keep up the bad work" ~Scarface

  143. Callyson

    Jesus, I made the mistake of unmuting because I thought they were back. That remake of Man in the Mirror is pure Michael Jackson libel!

  144. No_Wire_Hangers

    So Mittens should be President because he was busy falling in pure puppy love while other people were fighting and dying in vietnam or getting hosed marching for civil rights? And he should be President because his dad was powerful and rich and thus he grew up in richness and power. He did everything right, he's supposed to be President

  145. Toomush_Infer

    Man, this video: He's a Magic Man!!!!! I'm not sure how, but he must have waved his magic underpants at these problems and made them disappear somehow…no one knows how…Magic goes in, magic comes out – don't look at it…..

  146. Callyson

    "As a matter of fact, I *do* feel lucky, punk…"

    Barack Obama, after looking at Mittens' approval rating…

  147. Xan

    I cannot believe it isn't Lincoln and Reagan holograms yacking it up. The level of my disappoint cannot be measured.

  148. Self-Uploader

    Fuck you Clint. Before this act of prostitution I actually believed there were a few libertarian Republican types left, but if you'd sell out for this b.s. Fuck you. You know better.

  149. TribecaMike

    Does Clint know Sandra Locke has been watching The Manchurian Candidate a lot lately? Security might want to check the rafters.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      That red-head, too. Frances something. One of each side of the hall. Those wimmins know how to use guns, too. Thanks to being in Clint movies.

  150. DustBowlBlues

    This is making me happy! He's tanking. Just my opinion, however. But he did give a shout-out to dipshit John Midnight Cowboy. How low that boob's gotten to be.

  151. anniegetyerfun

    Didn't Eastwood do a commercial praising the auto bailout during the Super Bowl or something like that?

    1. Arborista

      It's half-time in America.

      He was so pissed that people thought it was an Obama ad that he's in Tampa RIGHT NOW.

  152. Toomush_Infer

    Clint just wants a chance to reprise his "Get off my lawn…" role again… man, he's older than me….

    1. miss_grundy

      The only reason he made "Gran Torino" in Detroit was because of the film incentives that sailed through a bi-partisan Michigan legislature and signed by Gov. Jennifer Granholm, a Democrat.

      Now I don't know if I want to see his latest movie, Trouble with the Curve…

  153. Callyson

    Hey, isn't Dirty Harry cutting into Marco Rubio's timeslot?

    Can't decide whether that's a good thing or a bad thing…

  154. Mittens Howell, III

    It's time for somebody else to come along and solve the problem.

    "Evening Meds in ward one, nurse. Stat!"

  155. Negropolis

    The Romney campaign was cruel to allow this senile old man up on stage to embarrass himself like this.

  156. FakaktaSouth

    Yes, John Voight, that paragon of mental stability and health should always be your first choice of right wing actors. All I think of when I think John Voight is that he (didn't) bite George's pencil in the glove compartment on Seinfeld.

    Clint is indeed doddering enough to be there now; I see how this happened.

  157. WhatTheHeck

    They are desperate. They are cramming down our throats that this is the greatest man who ever lived. They are a knife edge away from fear.

  158. TribecaMike

    Don't be shy about your military record, Clint. Go on and mention how you spent the Korean War as a lifeguard at a swimming pool in California. (True story)

  159. Callyson

    And I was complaining about the speakers from earlier this evening? Jesus, Clint, you're just embarrassing yourself now…

  160. DustBowlBlues

    He's got nothing but mean for this crowd. He kind of makes you want to look away because you're embarrassed for him.

    WTF? He just blamed Hopey for Afghanistan? Are you fucking kidding me?

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Obama caused 9/11. He's been planning it ever since he was born in Kenya, as a part of his diabolical plans to take away our guns and white wimminz.

  161. CthuNHu

    Oh dear. Alzheimer's seems to have kicked in.

    And hey, the last terrorists we tried in downtown NYC are STILL IN PRISON, asshole.

  162. C_R_Trogloraptor

    Jesus this is awful. Is he trying to fuck up this badly? Gitmo? And trying Terrorists downtown in NYC? and… and…

    Oh fuck you Clint. Just fuck you. MUTE

  163. FakaktaSouth

    Tomorrow on FOX, Barack Obama REPEATEDLY tells Clint Eastwood to shut up! Are we gonna stand for that?

  164. obfuscator2

    how do you fit so many 'uh uh uh uh um uh uh uhs' on the teleprompter?

    maybe the optics of a doddering old man talking to an imaginary person in an empty chair aren't optimal for your campaign?

  165. No_Wire_Hangers

    Look at the Wingnuts chuckling cautious–we're blaming Afghanistan on Obama now, right? heh. heheheh.

  166. Negropolis

    WTF is all this Biden-hate for? I honestly don't understand it. Most Americans don't think of Biden the way they do.

    And, why the hell are they cheering as if they are at a Chris Rock concert? This shit ain't funny. It's sad. Someone go get that man's nurse.

  167. Callyson

    Ladies and gentlemen, meet 2012's answer to Michael Steele…

    I will always wonder if Dirty Harry *wanted* to sabotage the Reeps with this drivel…

  168. rocktonsam

    even these soul less, shameless fuckers must cringe at the sight of this. then have to listen to Willard. you get what you deserve.

    I have up my standards, now up yours
    -Pat Paulsen

  169. orygoon

    This fuckwad depresses me so much, because when I look at those lists of famous people who share my birthday, he's the only one anybody has ever heard of.

    1. Arborista

      You made me look. I've heard of Brooke Shields, Don Ameche, Sebastian Koch, DMC, Sharon Gless, Jim Carey, Joe Namath, Johnny Paycheck, Walt Whitman, Colin Ferrell & Norman Vincent Peale. Also heard of Fassbinder, but don't think I've seen any of his films…

      After tonight, kinda wishing Clint Eastwood were more obscure. For his own sake.

  170. TribecaMike

    The only thing of substance Clint has said so far was something about "23 million" out of a job before Obama was elected. Hmm, who was president then?

    And yes, diss student loans. Schmuck.

  171. Arborista

    Um, that wasn't Obama telling you to shut up- that was the tattered remnants of your conscience, dude…

  172. no_gravity

    They're laughing with Eastwood because this is the same stuff they hear spouted at their nursing homes.

  173. No_Wire_Hangers

    Do young kids even know who Clint Eastwood is. I mean, the 17 year olds. What point of reference do they have?

    OH THAT'S RIGHT. He has a reality show on E! now.

  174. Callyson

    WTF with the guy in the audience wearing a blue elephant hat? Does he realize how r-word that looks?

  175. Doktor Zoom

    Is Eastwood just lowering the bar so far that any coherent sentences Romney puts together will be a "triumph"?

  176. mayor_quimby

    Is Clint Eastwood pulling off an Ali G level trolling? Cuz that hint at "go fuck yourself" was pretty harsh. We shall see.

  177. Mittens Howell, III

    I think he was very charming and I love the respect he showed for the nation's first African American President.

    Bravo, Mr Depends.

    1. emmelemm

      Aren't his children/grandchildren basically Kardashians? (Vapid famewhores?)

      I don't know, I'm just basing that on the whole "reality show" thing.

  178. Xan

    I thought it was community organizers don't make good presidents. No, wait, it was college professors. Um, lawyers? I'm going to need a wikipedia article to keep up with this.

  179. No_Wire_Hangers

    This is really a more libertarian type speech. The Repubs are desperate for celebs. I couldn't imagine a Hollywood celeb the dems would use to introduce the fucking nominee. Even whoring out the 'make my day' shit….dayum.

  180. CthuNHu

    "I can't do that to myself, either."

    Clint, I doubt you could do it to Miss America in a kiddie pool full of oiled Kardashians.

  181. Baba_NinjaCat12

    Clint Eastwood stars in "The Rambler" and giving the delegates a sneak peak on his one-man comedy routine.

  182. kingofmeh

    why is it that republicans constantly bemoan the influence of hollywood on the left, but the dems would sooner be caught dead than have, say, alec baldwin speak at the democratic convention? republicans are happy to trumpet support from even the fringiest and kookiest members of hollywood and other entertainment types (victoria jackson, jon voight, bruce willis, clint eastwood, etc.), while bemoaning the influence of hollywood on democrats.

    hell, the republicans have two prominent actors (reagan and fred thompson) as major party figures, as well as the late sonny bono.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I don't think Bono would have continued being in the party, if he were still alive.

      The REASON that Democrats don't let celebs speak is because the Republicans have done such a good job pushing their "liberal Hollywood gay communist" bullshit lines. George Clooney is smart and a good speaker, but he's only allowed to speak at fundraisers.

  183. Serfville

    That's IT, someone call Scorpio and have him throw me off the Golden Gate Bridge! I knew he would make a Dirty Harry analogy! Drink! Jump!

  184. Callyson

    "I think I just drank Clint Eastwood's water"

    Um, I don't think that was *water* that he was drinking…

  185. Negropolis

    Rachel Maddow: This is the weirdest thing I've ever seen at a convention, and will be if I live to be 100.

    ROTFLMAO!

    1. Serfville

      That's the NICEST thing Rachel could think to say on the air! I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Dude needs to retire NOW

  186. Doktor Zoom

    Did Clint Eastwood make me cringe five times, or six? To tell you the truth, in all the horrified mortification, I kind of lost track myself.

      1. Arborista

        After Imaginary Obama told him to shut up, I had to hit the Mute button. I hate to watch people embarrass themselves that way.

    1. GhostBuggy

      Yes, this, exactly. I knew it would happen and couldn't watch. The wife and I put "The Muppets" in instead. Saw some funny foam animals sing songs with Jason Segal and respect and care for one another. So, basically, some childhood heroes did some awesome stuff while another one went down in horrifying flames.

    1. GlowneyHouse

      But the embargo worked so well against other Communists countries like the USSR and Poland. Give it another 50 years.

  187. Baba_NinjaCat12

    Please prey with me for the people of Cuba to have American-style crony capitalism, sweat-shops and McDonald's.

  188. BathroomGoblin

    Conservative Cubans are the biggest terrorists per number of incidents in the United States.

  189. rocktonsam

    even these soul less, shameless fuckers must cringe at the sight of this. then have to listen to Willard. you what you deserve.

  190. CthuNHu

    To contrast with Mitt, they've now put on a lad on the verge of puberty to talk about Cuba, and also about Cuba some more.

  191. No_Wire_Hangers

    What's it with a certain type of Repub man, they all have that soft doughy face, creepy neo-con haircut, you know the Gingrich type of look thing? How do you describe it? I just can't quite put my finger on it and it gives me the heeeeeeby jeebies.

    1. CthuNHu

      Imagine if he was named Martin Flitwick III, spoiled over-privileged rich preppy pretty boy. Then realize that that's exactly who he is.

  192. quequoi

    Childhood polio crippled Rubio's grandfather?
    Marco would deport Jonas Salk for being a socialist for giving away his vaccine.
    Pinche coño.

  193. SayItWithWookies

    Marco Rubio's grandfather said the dreams he had became impossible for him to achieve? Wasn't that the same guy who left Cuba for the United States two years before Castro's revolution? You know — under that capitalist and friend of freedom, Fulgencio Batista?

    1. reliefsinn

      The statesmanship here is outstanding.
      Oh, you don't think that might be a dogwhistle for
      "lazy black man in the WH likes to play games instead of work", do you?
      Maybe he should do some real work, like clearing "brush" from a "ranch".

  194. quequoi

    Childhood polio crippled Rubio's grandfather? What would Marco think of Jonas Salk for giving away his vaccine?

  195. Negropolis

    Marco, I've come to know Barack. Barack is a president of mine. Marco, you are no Barack Obama.

    1. Negropolis

      Michael Jackson bad, if you will. But not the child diddling Michael Jackson bad, but the album bad.

  196. One_Man_Band

    And here I thought he couldn't embarrass himself worse than he already had by directing Hereafter…

  197. Callyson

    "rich people got rich by making other people poor"

    And that observation is inaccurate because…?

  198. No_Wire_Hangers

    "Back in the day everyone was poor"

    Yeah, and that's the way you want to make it again. In fact, we're already halfway there.

  199. IonaTrailer

    I hate these people that they have the nerve to slander a man of whom they aren't fit to hoist one ball hair of his.

  200. Callyson

    Um, he wants to talk about the concentration of wealth now? Yeah, let's look at how the Republicans support this, starting with the Ryan tax plan that would increase taxes on the middle class and lower them for the wealthy…

  201. MittBorg

    Oh, BeccaLou, you are a vision of feminine pulchritude, if I do say so myself, and I most certainly do. So did Clint bomb? Or is just that the jealous, jealous Twitterverse?

  202. MilwaukeeKent

    He's describing the future, under Romney, not the aristocracies. You'll damned well stay where you were born in life and we'll structure taxes to guarantee it.

  203. AlterNewt

    Somewhere in the desert about 110 miles east of here, Ken Layne is not watching this scum-circus, because he is wiser than us all.

  204. SheriffRoscoe

    BULLSHIT family is the most important institution in society. I'm so sick of hearing that crap. Somewhere, in the heartland, an abusive dad makes his little kid's life a living hell.

  205. SayItWithWookies

    "And that almighty god is the source of all we have."

    Oh yeah — Rubio goes to church seven days a week. He's also been a Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon. This guy has some crazy sissy shit going on.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Rubio looks desperate – hey, can we start a new thread here? I'm channel surfing between him and a rerun of the Rosanne Barr roast….I'm getting confused….

  206. Callyson

    "But now you owe thousands of dollars in student loans"

    This is coming minutes after the last speaker bashed Obama for talking to college students about this issue…

  207. Negropolis

    God, that man's ears are huge, bigger than the president's. I'd never noticed that. Everything about him is disproportioned.

    1. YerMa

      It's true. Barry's are more sticky-outy, but Rubio's cover most of his large side head-surface area.

  208. Mittens Howell, III

    Has Rubio said anything yet? I can't tell.

    I got brain fucked by Shit-My-Pants McSpaghetti-Western

  209. SayItWithWookies

    Wow, this is a bunch of working-class people. How would you know that all these rich motherfuckers had such a hard life? I'll bet they're glad they made it without food stamps, welfare, Medicare, Medicaid, unemployment of any other kind of government assistance they're planning to eviscerate.

  210. IonaTrailer

    If he really believes this he would be for un-embargoing Cuba.
    But he's not really. He's just another political hack.

  211. TribecaMike

    I too remember my father, Marco. A career Air Force NCO who's parents were immigrants, he always said you Repugs were fascists.

  212. poorgradstudent

    Hey, I really liked Play Misty for Me. Especially by today's standards, it was a pretty intelligent thriller that avoided making a victim of Eastwood's character (that as director he was willing to portray his own character in a pretty unflattering light was commendable) and a total monster of the killer. At the very, very least, it could have been a lot worse – and it was when it was more or less remade as Fatal Attraction.

    Wait, what were we talking about? Oh, right. Yeah, I totally wish I could vote for the Obama the Republicans are talking about!

  213. Callyson

    Dreams that are impossible anywhere else come true here

    Yeah, because no one ever gets a college education or starts a business or enters a profession in any other country…

  214. quequoi

    I just needed to put this out there.
    The Wonketariat have kept me sane the past few weeks.
    Booze, cookies and comfy pillows for all of you.
    *bows humbly*

  215. Callyson

    Tried to get my dog to go into the other room to escape this crap, but he is loyally sitting next to me, licking my ankle in an attempt to console me.

    I need to get him a hunk of meat, brb…

  216. Callyson

    "Do we want our children to inherit our hopes and dreams, or do we want them to inherit our problems?"

    *That* is rich, coming from a party that has left two recessions behind for their Democratic predecessors to inherit…

  217. Callyson

    Here comes Mittens…not much noise from the audience. I think they gave Dirty Harry a better welcome…

  218. GlowneyHouse

    So the new story is that Mitt's family are war refugees from Mexico? That explains his sympathy and understanding of the Palestinian situation, I guess.

  219. SayItWithWookies

    Wow, that was the least inspired introduction, followed by the least inspired ovation of any climactic scene in a convention I think I've ever witnessed. Rubio said we chose a special man, and gave this mighty crescendo, and the camera panned the crowd and literally one third of the people were cheering.

    And holy fuck, there's child molester Denny Hastert.

  220. Callyson

    Could Mrs Ryan's smile be any more forced?

    She knows Mittens and hubby are going down…

    ETA: the smiles in the audience are almost as phony…

  221. FakaktaSouth

    I HATE that "next President" of the US thing. It's so lame, like OH! Doesn't it just SOUND WONDERFUL? SEE IT AND BE IT!! But here, it's half-hearted and stupid and just shut up.

  222. TribecaMike

    Even the house band is smashed out of their gourds. That lazy riff is all they can come up with?