WE R SRS SCHL DISTRICT. THIS IS SRS SCIENCE  12:57 pm September 1, 2012

Houston Schools Bravely Protect Students From Deliberately Fake Science Book

by Doktor Zoom

Bryan Fischer TRIED to warn us about this sort of thing, but did we listen?Ah, Texas, a place where the teaching of science is always just a state school board vote away from including the Book of Genesis, where the state’s textbook selection process sets the agenda for textbooks across the nation, and where the state GOP platform actually calls for schools to stop teaching “critical thinking skills” (risk of “undermining parental authority,” you know). So it shouldn’t be surprising to learn that the Houston Independent School District is worried that science teachers might do irreparable harm to the schools’ reputation by stooping to include (horrors!) funny comedy jokes in their classroom materials. In response to a teacher’s request to purchase Fake Science 101: A Less-Than-Factual Guide to Our Amazing World, a parody textbook spun off from Phil Edwards’ Fake Science website, HISD sent this mind-blowingly tone deaf memo:

I received one such request for an alternative textbook “Fake Science 101.” I am aware how it would be used, but we are concerned it will reflect poorly on the district. A book like that may be intended humorously, but it is mocking the quality of education in our district.

We cannot have our district ridiculed as a non-scientific one (see many Westinghouse/Intel awardees). This book is not permissable for you to distribute or your students to have. Our textbooks are not “fake” and no textbook should give that impression. It would negatively impact students.

We will not have the serious business of education tainted by such japes and tomfoolery! Learning cannot involve “amusement,” for heaven’s sake! It’s bad enough they let that godless heathen Thomas Jefferson back into the history standards.

Fake Science 101 co-author Phil Edwards had a typically elitist reaction to the foofaraw:

Lessons from the blog have been used by teachers to introduce scientific concepts in the past and many classrooms have enjoyed using Fake Science to start conversations. I also think satire encourages the skeptical thinking that makes science work. That thinking shouldn’t be prohibited.

Happily, Edwards has also incorporated the ban into the book’s marketing plan, featuring it prominently on the Fake Science site. He has also offered to help the anonymous teacher whose book request was turned down: “tell him I’m happy to speak in front of the class until I’m tazed or something.”

UPDATE: Also, too, here is a nice piece that Phil Edwards wrote for Slate, about being a fake scientist and meeting real scientists.

Don’t forget to join Doktor Zoom tomorrow for our weekly look at unintentionally funny textbooks from Christian Publishers. This week, World History: The Important Stuff Happened in Europe.

[Houston Press / Fake Science 101]

 
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{ 220 comments }

SorosBot September 1, 2012 at 1:43 pm

But bear knife fights would be awesome; I want them to exist, so I will believe they do.

(And that's how conservative "science" works.)

Naked_Bunny September 1, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Except conservative fake science is boring.

SorosBot September 1, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Yeah, much less interesting than the real science too. Well except maybe for the part with cave men riding dinosaurs. But certainly the big bang is a fuckload cooler than some magic dude flipping on a light switch. And string theory provides a much more mind-blowing description of extra dimensions and other universes than the dull heaven, hell and purgatory.

(Well hell at least is a little interesting, certainly much more so than the other two; there's a reason a lot more people read Dante's Inferno than the other two books of the Divine Comedy.)

Naked_Bunny September 1, 2012 at 2:55 pm

The Divine Comedy is essentially fan fiction, so the fact that even a third of it is more interesting than the canon says a lot about the source material.

SorosBot September 1, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Part fan fiction, and part revenge fantasy; Inferno is filled with Dante's personal enemies getting what (to him) was coming to them.

Angry_Marmot September 1, 2012 at 6:33 pm

"Heaven for climate, Hell for society.”

Naked_Bunny September 1, 2012 at 2:44 pm

This would be awesome creationism.

Chichikovovich September 1, 2012 at 5:21 pm

That's going to be in Texas textbooks soon. In fact, it's stated in lost manuscripts of the Second Book of Kings, in reference to the two bears who were sent by God to maul and eat the 42 youths who had been mocking the prophet Elisha, that the bears had been knife fighting just before Elisha brought down the curse.

That showed just how badass those bears were, just in case the 42 young corpses left any room for doubt.

bobbert September 1, 2012 at 5:51 pm

42 again, hmmm?

BoatOfVelociraptors September 1, 2012 at 8:33 pm

East side Elisha knew how to throw down! *snap*

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 9:45 pm

"the two bears who were sent by God to maul and eat the 42 youths who had been mocking the prophet Elisha"

All follicularly challenged persons approve of this verse.

Dudleydidwrong September 1, 2012 at 9:50 pm

"When you wish upon a star–like Clint Eastwood–your dreams and your science come true." Five Pinocchios

sbj1964 September 1, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Wow how fake dose a science book have to be; to be to stupid for Texas?

Naked_Bunny September 1, 2012 at 2:37 pm

The problem is it says it's fake. Texas prefers its fake science to go unlabeled.

Geminisunmars September 1, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Now if they titled it "Genuine Adulterated Disfactualized Misinformation" it might have gotten through.

Arborista September 1, 2012 at 3:22 pm

"Genuine Adulterated Disfactualized Biblical Misinformation" and you're in like Flynn…

bikerlaureate September 1, 2012 at 5:54 pm

"Thinking Is For Commies"

iburl September 1, 2012 at 5:22 pm

At least some of us can spell/punctuate.

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 9:25 pm

If you're referring to sbj, I think the spelling/punctuation issues are related to low vision.

no_gravity September 1, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I so would have aced this class.

smitallica September 1, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Science has always had a known liberal bias, mostly because it is based on fact, critical thinking, and not being a complete fucking moron.

sewollef September 1, 2012 at 1:58 pm

See, there you go again bringing that fact-y stuff into the conversation. You know that can get you expelled, right?

BoatOfVelociraptors September 1, 2012 at 8:36 pm

Depends on your football skills. Arizona tolerated that atheist Tillman.

cheaphits September 1, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Also unlike the bible, science updates itself.

LibertyLover September 1, 2012 at 4:51 pm

The bible has so many different versions (Greek, Roman, King James, New American,etc.) though, they can't all be wrong, can they? ;-)

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Not to be too much of a buzzkill, but if religion no longer serves the purpose that it used to (e.g., explaining the weather or why people get sick or what-not) because science has provided better explanations…

I don't see any reason why religion can't change so that it actually… oh, I don't know… helps people. We don't use the same techniques to build houses or grow crops or make clothing or travel from place to place as we did 2000 years ago — so assuming that we're going to have religion at all, why shouldn't religion adapt? If nothing else, it would make them look less like a bunch of pissy soreheads than digging in their heels and whining every time they're proven unable to hold their own against the competition, the way they do now.

FlownOver September 1, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Is this gonna be on the final?

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 9:25 pm

In the manner of all students, everywhere, ever; this needs to be spoken in a whiny voice.

lefty74 September 1, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Knives don't kill bears. Bears kill bears.

Shit fire hell God damn Texas. Hoot!

OneYieldRegular September 1, 2012 at 2:53 pm

If they'd featured bears having gun fights, Texas would be distributing this book to every kid under 18.

Maman September 1, 2012 at 3:31 pm

If one of the bears had concealed carry that other bear would not have been so bold as to attack.

Chichikovovich September 1, 2012 at 5:22 pm

An armed sloth is a polite sloth.*

[*Apparently the variant "sleuth" is also used.]

Negropolis September 1, 2012 at 9:49 pm

How British of this commie author. I mean, the bears engage in knifecrime? This is America, buddy. Semi-automatics or GTFO.

BTW, I was really surprised to find a few years ago that Texas is one of maybe half-a-dozen states in the nation where open carry is not allowed.

noodlesalad September 1, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Tazers. how do they work?

Negropolis September 1, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Well, you see, when a police officer loves his own authority very much…

bumfug September 1, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Everybody knows bears in Texas carry guns, only a stupid bear brings a knife to that fight.

SorosBot September 1, 2012 at 2:23 pm

I'd like to train some bears and deer to use guns, so that hunting could become a real sport where the hunters have just as much a chance of getting shot as the targets.

Doktor Zoom September 1, 2012 at 2:26 pm

I support the right to arm bears.

BerkeleyBear September 1, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Slap some reactive armor on them the next time they get tagged by some biologist, and tie the tracking collar in to the drone strike platform (I'm sure someone could work out automatic reverse trajectory and location from data of the initial shot). Suddenly hunting would involve a lot more risk for both sides.

Negropolis September 1, 2012 at 9:50 pm

LOL! The visual is killing me…with votes, of course.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 1, 2012 at 8:40 pm

Never going to happen. That's Chicago style politics.

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Chicago?
So who'd know better about Da Bears?

Fairtackle September 1, 2012 at 9:13 pm

And that brings up the whole "natural selection" debate, and nobody wants to go down that road again.

cheaphits September 1, 2012 at 2:06 pm

It does make sense in the GOP platform – "critical thinking" is not a skill set encouraged by the party due to self preservation.

GemlikeFlame September 1, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Actually, it's specifically forbidden along with outcome-based learning and other heresies. In an earlier post on this topic I predicted that should that plank become actual or de-facto law the SACS regional accreditation agency would immediately decredit Texas public school districts en masse.

Turns out, that may not matter so much. While about 50% of national high schools don't maintain accreditation, only 7 of about 39 HISD high schools do and other Texas school districts follow suit.
http://educationblog.dallasnews.com/2009/03/has-d

I'm just waiting for the first rebellious teacher to be burned at the stake. Idiots.

IceCreamEmpress September 1, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Our textbooks are not fake! Except for the ones about how God made dinosaur fossils as a prank test of faith. I mean, those aren't fake at all, either. TEACH THE CONTROVERSY

aboutheagora September 3, 2012 at 1:02 am

And the Jesus came to the path that was blocked by the big fucking brontosaurus, who had a splinter in his paw.

SexySmurf September 1, 2012 at 2:09 pm

The publisher of Fake Science 101: A Less-Than-Factual Guide to Our Amazing World also publishes Business Ethics for Bain Capital Executives, The Paul Ryan Social Studies Reader and Journalism 101 by Edward R. Murrow by Jonah Lehrer.

Geminisunmars September 1, 2012 at 3:21 pm

"Home Economics" by Ann Romney, a sequel to her beloved "How to Make Do With an Ironing Board and Two Sawhorses".

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 9:56 pm

"Ironing Board"

Are you trying to suggest that Ann Romney is flat-chested?
No wonder that eagle on her shirt looked so pissed off.

Geminisunmars September 1, 2012 at 10:22 pm

No, that was a quote from her convention speech. And I quote (from the fox news transcript): “Our desk was a door propped up onsaw horses, our dining room table was a fold down ironing boardin the kitchen. But those were the best days.”http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/418456/august-29-2012/the-mitt-romney-story—ann-romney-s-gop-convention-speechabout 38 secs in

Biff September 2, 2012 at 10:48 am

My sawhorses are named Secretariat and Rafalca.
And her story is one of the biggest lines of bullshit to ever emit from her piehole. That, and the 3-pack of shirts from Costco she claims to have bought.

Butch_Wagstaff September 1, 2012 at 4:58 pm

"Public Speeching For Beginners" by Sarah Palin.

Negropolis September 1, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Retail Politics for Dummies by Michele Bachmann with a foreword by Tom Akin

ThankYouJeebus September 1, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I don't know about bear knife fights, but I'm certain that Adam and Eve had a pet dinosaur.

Naked_Bunny September 1, 2012 at 2:41 pm

It was the dinosaur's job to cover their naughty bits when they weren't surrounded by shrubbery.

DustBowlBlues September 1, 2012 at 6:05 pm

And pick up Jesus on their way to Sunday School.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 1, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Is it any wonder as to why we got our own boat?

BTWBFDIMHO September 1, 2012 at 2:13 pm

I thought Fake Science 101 was the Bible. WTF?

aaarrrgh September 1, 2012 at 2:15 pm

so…the gist of this article is that bears actually Don't have knife fights? then why did god make animals in the bible? i don't understand. there must be gaps in my home schooling.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 1, 2012 at 8:53 pm

On the fifth day god created bears. On the sixth day, he created knives. On the seventh day he sobered up, saw what he created, and bugged out of town.

KennyFuckingPowers September 1, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Chickens have lips, snakes have hips, and a women's bodies can wish away a rape wad….Sure as fuck!

ChillBill September 1, 2012 at 2:15 pm

When is Fake Economics 101 by Paul Ryan coming out?

smitallica September 1, 2012 at 2:45 pm

It already did. It was called "The Path to Prosperity."

Negropolis September 1, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Hey-O!

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Every time Ryan opens his mouth.

swordfis September 1, 2012 at 2:17 pm

The Houston Independent School District won't admit it, but it's bothered by the phallic knife/bear imagery.

Butch_Wagstaff September 1, 2012 at 5:03 pm

They see the gay agenda in EVERYTHING, don't they?

Blueb4sinrise September 1, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Don't mind me, just practicing.
https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-w1M8WADo0j8/UE

Geminisunmars September 1, 2012 at 3:23 pm

tl;cs
too little; couldn't see

Blueb4sinrise September 1, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Brutal.

Butch_Wagstaff September 1, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Thanks to Chrome zoom, I saw (I think) Papa Bear and Mama Bear. Baby Bear looks like he's going to cut Scarlette O'Hara but she looks like she has a samurai's sword so I think she'll be okay.

YouBetcha September 1, 2012 at 2:24 pm

HSID's memo went on to say, "We are now praying for God to smite this heathen sinner whose teaching career will either end in firing, or a plague of locusts. Amen."

Geminisunmars September 1, 2012 at 3:25 pm

"career will either end in firing" should be
"career will either end in front of firing squad"

weejee September 1, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Likely moar knife fights among non-Tejas university admissions boards on whether to 'downsize' the Tejas high skool records of applicants by 15 or 25 percent.

ed: While retaining CIA level plausible deniability obvs.

ChillBill September 1, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Your move, Ben Stein.

Doktor Zoom September 1, 2012 at 2:34 pm

I probably should have included this more carefully vetted scientific information on bear behavior.

Naked_Bunny September 1, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Every furry's fantasy.

Geminisunmars September 1, 2012 at 3:29 pm

At last, religious education I can understand.

BerkeleyBear September 1, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Nice – I especially like the death metal soundtrack.

SorosBot September 1, 2012 at 4:48 pm

I thought bears mostly liked to shit in the woods, and then insist on using Charmin™-brand toilet paper to wipe their asses.

Naked_Bunny September 1, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Those are Quaker bears.

BoroPrimorac September 1, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Does Cuba have charter schools? I can't bear the thought of my children being educated in a public school system this fucked up.

Negropolis September 1, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Probably, though, I'm imagine that they teach that Fidel physically breaths life into the nation by the light of the early morning sun or some shit.

James Michael Curley September 1, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Choreographed by Jerome Robbins.

Lot_49 September 1, 2012 at 5:34 pm

When you're a Brown, you're a Brown all the way,
from your first picnic basket till your dying day…

OneYieldRegular September 1, 2012 at 2:56 pm

This is the problem with taking away critical thinking skills: you end up with school administrators afraid that kids will think bears actually engage in knife fights and that prohibiting the use of parody will somehow not "reflect poorly on the district."

Arborista September 1, 2012 at 3:00 pm

But would these TX students know enough about science to get the jokes? Satire presumes familiarity with the subject being lampooned, no?

orygoon September 1, 2012 at 3:00 pm

One reason I put my kids in a private school in Texas was when I went to pick up The Heir one day, I saw in his classroom that the teacher had incorrectly drawn an insect on the board–legs emerging from the abdomen.

I had almost decided to be an entomology major in college, and I really like bugs, except when I don't. The teacher was nice and all, but this wasn't tolerable. Even in elementary school.

Geminisunmars September 1, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Elitist!

fartknocker September 1, 2012 at 3:00 pm

The picture from the NYT article is priceless. It shows 3 nice Republican Christian women who are all appointees by the Governor or the Legislature. They are focused on one thing and that is the content is Jesus-approved. Remember, this is the same state where Gubnor Big Hair told the world that the Mancado/Transocean off-shore platform fire and explosion in the Gulf of America was "an act of God."

I'm sure one of those 3 ladies also believes birth control can be accomplished by squeezing an aspirin with your knees.

Jukesgrrl September 1, 2012 at 5:47 pm

The Republicans should be more careful about making nice agreeable ladiez their political appointees. That's how Jan Brewer got to be governor of Arizona.

coolhandnuke September 1, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Years back, our local High School Board approved the showing of "BJ and the Bear" for Sex Ed classes, and we haven't had one legitimate or illegitimate teen pregnancy reported.
Life is swell here on the dark side of the moon.

MaxNeanderthal September 1, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Well yes, but then again, homosexual sex with a chimpanzee (Was the Bear male?) has seldom resulted in pregnancy, no?

Dudleydidwrong September 1, 2012 at 9:59 pm

If all your sex is by BJ or with a bear then pregnancies aren't too apt to happen. Well, maybe in Texas or Florida…

Arborista September 1, 2012 at 3:16 pm

I wonder if the authors of this fine text were listening to Joan Armatrading when they came up with the knife fight idea?

"He had me down but I put up a fight
I saw those teeth and I groped for my knife
Big brown bear with the juice from his mouth
He tastes my leg and he thought he'd got me…"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFeCn7998Zc

Joshua Norton September 1, 2012 at 3:30 pm

RW Science-y type fact:

If all the bears had guns to protect themselves, they wouldn't need to worry about knives.

MaxNeanderthal September 1, 2012 at 6:13 pm

The NRA types wouldn't like it if the bears opened fire first….

HistoriCat September 1, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Kudos Doktor – and bonus points for the Bryan Fischer reference.

JustPixelz September 1, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Texas will not let its education be dictated by fact checkers.

Fare la Volpe September 1, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I for one welcome our new knife-fighting bear overlords, and would like to remind them that my enemies' skulls are full of delicious honey.

Butch_Wagstaff September 1, 2012 at 7:57 pm

"…full of delicious honey."
Yeah, we know there's no brains in there.

Negropolis September 1, 2012 at 10:13 pm

I needed that laugh.

Grokenstein September 1, 2012 at 3:55 pm

"I also think satire encourages the skeptical thinking that makes science work."

Whoops, there it is. Texas isn't worried about disrupting the learning process, they're worried about disrupting gullibility development in tomorrow's destitute servants.

TribecaMike September 1, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Thanks Dok. Just ordered Phil Edwards' book.

BerkeleyBear September 1, 2012 at 4:29 pm

By all means, let's make sure science is as inapproachable and sterile as possible – you wouldn't want the little shits thinking it was fun or anything.

LibertyLover September 1, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Silly bears! You don't bring a knife to a gunfight. I'll bet momma's packin' heat.

LibertyLover September 1, 2012 at 4:56 pm

How has Doktor Zoom not gouged his eyes out from having to do book reports on the New Science?

I find it odd that when I was growing up, these same people raged against the "New Math" concepts and see what they are doing here?

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 9:29 pm

"How has Doktor Zoom not gouged his eyes out"

The Texas bears stole his knife.

Biff September 2, 2012 at 11:44 am

This is why god invented grapefruit spoons.

Me_K_Cong September 1, 2012 at 5:01 pm

"This book is not permissable for you to distribute or your students to have."

First of all, it's permissible, not permissable. I will use it in a sentence to clarify.

In America, it is not permissible for you (a school board bureaucrat) to ban any book that does not contain nudity, profanity or violence even if you take it personally (or interpret the request to buy it as a stick in your eye).

Geminisunmars September 1, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Are you sure that isn't "a stack in your eye?"

offlogic September 1, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Fake science is all in fun, and at its absolute worst is better than what the GOP incorporated into their party platform.
Sorry, but it's true.

SayItWithWookies September 1, 2012 at 5:10 pm

The school board's decision is at least consistent — insofar as science comes from the Bible, making fun of it would actually be blasphemy, which is far worse than claiming nonsense is factual.

ElPinche September 1, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Today we're all juggalos.

bobbert September 1, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Whoop, whoop?

BoatOfVelociraptors September 1, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Magnetic knives would certainly change the discourse of knife fighting. You would go from an east-side west-side paradigm to a north-side south-side discourse.

Biff September 2, 2012 at 11:52 am

Or maybe even true north/magnetic north!

Chichikovovich September 1, 2012 at 5:32 pm

What? 63 comments and no "Right to arm bears" joke yet?

Amazing but true: Maybe some jokes are just too obvious and clichéd even for Wonketeers.

Well, except for me.

And I'm doing it, like, all meta, and stuff.

Geminisunmars September 1, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Oh ye of little faith. I saw a link to a pic with that on a tee-shirt somewhere in this thread.

SorosBot September 1, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Oh it's here; made by Doctor Zoom himself, 4 hours ago right now; just buried in replies.

Butch_Wagstaff September 1, 2012 at 7:32 pm

"What about the right to bare arms? Why should the government control our sleeve lengths?"
–to paraphrase Melora Creager

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 9:30 pm

"What? 63 comments and no "Right to arm bears" joke yet?"

Also no references to Chicago/Da Bears/Da Bulls.
Everybody must be away for the Labor Day weekend.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 1, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Dude. Bears are born with arms. It's like, the miracle of life.

MacRaith September 1, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Texas delenda est.

Per suffragium.

Angry_Marmot September 1, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Salt the fields and nuke the site from orbit; it's the only way to be sure.

BarackMyWorld September 1, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Does Stephen Colbert know about these bear fights?

Jukesgrrl September 1, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Bears with knives … coming soon on the Colbert Report.

MaxNeanderthal September 1, 2012 at 6:18 pm

Only a matter of time before the moles are carrying katanas…

BoatOfVelociraptors September 1, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Zatoichi approves.

DustBowlBlues September 1, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Must remember to send tomorrow's Xian text book story to my English friends. The Mathematics professor (Imperial College, Univ of London = too fucking smart for me to figure out what he's talking about) was speechless for hours about Set Theory. His wife, an elementary school teacher should enjoy a refreshingly new version of history.

DustBowlBlues September 1, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Oh, fuck me. Moyers is on and it's just too depressing to listen to the power of the self-labeled Xian right and that pissant Ralph Reed during the mourn-for-the-aged-hound dog we had euthanized yesterday weekend. (BTW–She has a better chance of going to heaven–I feel assured of that–than the lying bastard dipshit assholes on the Jesus-right.

Geminisunmars September 1, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Turn off the tv and the computer, pour yourself a stiff one, and join me on the veranda to toast the critters we've loved, and who make more sense and are more compassionate than those righters. (I know how you feel. My best friend called me this morning to report the loss of her pooch, and I have two rescued dogs right now insisting that it is time for their dinner. I'll give them extras, in honor of you.)

Dudleydidwrong September 1, 2012 at 10:05 pm

My sincere condolences. Losing a pet dog or cat (or bird, for that matter) is a real loss. Just remember the good times…

Doktor Zoom September 1, 2012 at 10:26 pm

"The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man's."

– Mark Twain, letter to W.D. Howells

ttommyunger September 2, 2012 at 7:47 am

Who sickens me more: Holier Than All Bill Moyers or Ralph "Satan Spawn" Reed? Decisions, decisions…

DustBowlBlues September 1, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Wonder if the "fake science" includes curriculum that Texans (most of them, excluding wonkeratti) will include as real science as soon as they retake control of the TX State School Board. Can't make fun of something you're apt to be teaching any day now.

Self-Uploader September 1, 2012 at 6:40 pm

And we wonder why there is an irony deficit in the red states?

Butch_Wagstaff September 1, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Iron deficiency could explain the irritability & outbreaks of Pica that one can find in those states.

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I thought they were all anemic from hookworms and being the product of brother-sister incest, but…
Oh.
Iron*Y* deficit.
Never mind.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 1, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Well, I doubt it's due to a lack of red meat.

Blueb4sinrise September 1, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Don't mind me, just practicing.
Chair with Blingee
http://bln.gs/b/25nmnu

Blueb4sinrise September 1, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Chair on Mars

oops……..never mind

try again
https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-B4d4-5tafjY/UE

Arborista September 1, 2012 at 7:17 pm

OT Sorry if this has been previously mentioned- Romney tells distressed LA woman whose house is flooded to go home & call 211: http://goo.gl/nOv3q

Chichikovovich September 1, 2012 at 7:29 pm

You people are taking what he said out of context to make him look heartless. He didn't mean that he should go to the home currently underwater. He obviously meant that she should take the private jet to the summer home on Georgian Bay and call 211 from there.

Butch_Wagstaff September 1, 2012 at 7:30 pm

What a kidder he is.

Dudleydidwrong September 1, 2012 at 10:14 pm

And he immediately ordered one of his minions to bring up dive gear and give the woman a quick lesson in SCUBA diving so that she could reach her phone.

Negropolis September 1, 2012 at 10:21 pm

A man who waved a neon yellow sign reading "Mitt is Our Man" wondered why levees had not been able to protect the low-lying areas of this fishing community.

"It has really destroyed us," the man said to Romney after the motorcade stopped on the side of the road. "I don't know why we can't come up with something that saves all."

Oh, god. I'm dying of irony poisoning. You don't know why we can't come up with "something that saves ll"? Really? Because you and your Republican buddies are too fucking cheap and scared of government to pay for it, you fucking moron. And, you are still going to vote for Romney?! **snort**

I need to calm down. I need to calm down….

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 11:36 pm

"I don't know why we can't come up with something that saves all."

It's obviously all the fault of that big do-nothing Obama.
If only he would go into a room, close the door, think for an hour or two, and come up with a solution that pleases everybody.

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 11:35 pm

"go home & call 211… Now watch this drive"

Negropolis September 2, 2012 at 4:13 am

Zing!

Honestly, if this is all he can offer, he would have been better off flying over the disaster zone in a Lear jet…

I just don't get why Republicans go to disaster zones, anymore, with the party the way it is. I mean, the party has gotten to the point of where it denies the need for emergency aid in many cases. Why even show up if your answers going to be "government is evil, and thus I will do nothing to lessen your suffering."?

These people don't need your pity, they need your help. Charity don't build no levees, Mr. Romney.

DerrickWildcat September 2, 2012 at 4:39 am

Why didn't you just climb up on your car elevator when the water started rising? What about your Helipad? Surely you have a Helipad.

glasspusher September 1, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Science is for losers. I should know: I'm a scientist, and Ms. glasspusher is always calling me a loser.

Chet Kincaid_ September 1, 2012 at 7:30 pm

An earlier classic in this genre is Tom Weller's "Science Made Stupid", which I still have in a box somewhere down in the basement. It won a Hugo Award in 1986. It's out of print, but there are author-sanctioned scans of the book and its sequel, "Cvltvre Made Stvpid", online:
http://www.chrispennello.com/tweller/

EDIT: Replaced with a link with more options

glasspusher September 1, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Awesome. Thanks for the link!

Doktor Zoom September 1, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Oh, dang, those are wonderful! There's entirely too much truthiness in this description of the scientific method.

Naked_Bunny September 1, 2012 at 8:51 pm

My high school had Science Made Stupid in the library.

bobbert September 1, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Thanks for that. I've only glanced at it, but am already taken by the picture caption: "Saturn's rings, looking over the shoulder of a gerbil blown out of a volcano on Titan".

Arborista September 1, 2012 at 10:14 pm

I think Wonkette provides a strong case for the red shift being truly far out…

Thanks!

Troubledog September 1, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Bears do not have opposable thumbs, and thus could not possibly carry on in the manner depicted. This is pure nonsense unfit for our children.

LibertyLover September 1, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Of course, everyone knows they duct tape their knives to their paws. Duh.

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 11:38 pm

a la Homer Simpson:
That's DUCK tape, Liberty, DUCK tape.

An_Outhouse September 1, 2012 at 8:14 pm

smokey does not appreciate this post and is concerned tht sparks from the knives could cause a forest fire. its not a joking matter. smokey is pissed and says he will eat you if he ever encounters you alone in the woods.

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 9:34 pm

And just what exactly is he planning to do with that shovel he always carries around?

BoatOfVelociraptors September 1, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Take care of the product of the "knife incident"?

Sharkey September 1, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Has anyone written Fake Tits 101 yet? Maybe Houston would go for that.

Intro to Home Ec.

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 9:35 pm

"Has anyone written Fake Tits 101 yet? Maybe Houston would go for that."

If not, there's always the Los Angeles school system.

BarackMyWorld September 1, 2012 at 9:49 pm

The former porn actress Houston? I remember seeing her Howard Stern's E! Network show a long time ago going to some kid's prom with him…definite fakes.

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 11:39 pm

"Has anyone written Fake Tits 101 yet?"

Maybe Jenna Jameson could do it, especially since the high-paying years of her career appear to be just about over.

Biff September 2, 2012 at 12:48 pm

So gravity is all that prevents her from becoming a Democrat?

HistoriCat September 2, 2012 at 8:43 am

Given the role Baylor College of Medicine (located in Houston) played in the development of silicone implants, this should be a no-brainer.

The fact that fake tits were largely developed at a Baptist-affiliated institution is whole other level of weirdness.

Antispandex September 1, 2012 at 8:38 pm

So, you guys are absolutely SURE it was a good idea to take Texas from Mexico? I mean, any chance at all they would want it back?

Arborista September 1, 2012 at 10:17 pm

I heard the UN was next in line for TX?

Biff September 2, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Bluebonnets, blue helmets–a match made in heaven!

DustBowlBlues September 1, 2012 at 10:55 pm

We don't want them to become a part of Oklahoma. That is, me and the other couple dozen liberals don't want to annex Texas or anything that would make them a part of Oklahoma. We've got more than enough winger crazy for one small state. In fact, we've got enough to share with all the teeny states in New England.

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Counterproposal: We send Mexico to Disney World, thereby offending stupid people.

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 9:38 pm

"we are concerned it will reflect poorly on the district. A book like that may be intended humorously, but it is mocking the quality of education in our district"

We only like one book that teaches ridiculous nonsense as scientific fact.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 1, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Houston, we have a problem. Apparently the word "fake" in a 20 point font on the cover of a book is indecipherable.

glasspusher September 1, 2012 at 10:14 pm

In Texas schools, failure is clearly an option.

Negropolis September 2, 2012 at 4:06 am

In fact, it also seems to be the feature of it. Though, to be fair, that's probably true of the public education systems of all but a dozen states or so. America kind of decided or calculated some decades ago that it could get away with not educating its poorz, and blahs and browns so long as we got just enough Americans into advanced fields. Boy, if that ain't comming back to bite us in the ass, huh?

Negropolis September 1, 2012 at 9:42 pm

This is what happens to an entrenched bureaucracy to be serious for a moment. It has a way of grinding down your creativity and humor reflex. This is Houston's response; can you even imagine the response of a conservative, rural district?

glasspusher September 1, 2012 at 10:16 pm

You have to know science as a prerequisite to making fun of it.

HistoriCat September 2, 2012 at 12:07 am

Remember that Rod Paige used to run HISD. He then went on to be W's Secretary of Education. This is an administrative entity which believes in bowing to power and playing it safe.

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 9:52 pm

I like the illustration. The mother bear is clearly saying, "You kids stop fighting with those knives and go do your homework".

Arborista September 1, 2012 at 10:22 pm

The illustrations remind me of Sendak's illustrations for the 'Little Bear' books. http://goo.gl/gxXdv

Geminisunmars September 1, 2012 at 10:56 pm

awww

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Knife fights are always scientifically accurate until someone gets hurt.

BarackMyWorld September 1, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Comments seem a little light tonight….y'all out get drunk together or something?

Arborista September 1, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Maybe the Atlanta event is/was extremely well-attended?

SorosBot September 1, 2012 at 10:37 pm

It's also a holiday weekend, so many people with actual lives are probably busy. Or there's a lot of nerds like me getting all into the season premiere of Doctor Who.

Negropolis September 1, 2012 at 9:58 pm

"This knife is too blunt. This knife is too sharp. This knife is just right." – Burglar Goldilocks in wait for the nice Bear family to come home.

orygoon September 1, 2012 at 10:09 pm

The Heir and The Spare spent most of their school years at a little independent (i.e. not associated with a particular church, or, sigh, receiving support from any church organizations) Episcopal day school, which in that Texas town (a large university town, but not Austin) was the most laid-back school, religion-wise, in town. The public schools were just stuffed to overflowing with Bible-belt religion. The Episcopal school was singing and prayer book services, revised slightly, as written by Thomas Cranmer. I can deal with that. So could Jewish families and Muslim families. And the kids just tuned it out. It was, and is, really quite a fabulous school, with a great curriculum. But far too broke to be "elitist".

Negropolis September 2, 2012 at 4:08 am

An Episcopal school in Texas is probably viewed as something just short of a secular public school, anyway, what, with all of the Methodists and Southern Baptists. lol

Negropolis September 1, 2012 at 10:10 pm

I guess I got lucky. I went to a religious private school (long story), and of my high school science teachers one was a California surfer hippy and the other was the drama teacher who loved musicals who could never quite conceal his jazz hands, of my two English teachers one was a poetry-loving, free-spirit single woman of a certain age who lived in the hood and who took her classes to Stratford, Ontario every year, while the other was a young, dour woman who also taught French. My art teacher was probably less than ten years older than us and used to call out homophobes in the middle of class.

Maybe, it was because it was so non-denominational and teachers were afraid to speak up for their denomination out of fear of getting thesleves in trouble with parents or other teachers, but outside religious class, the preaching was really kept at a minimal.

Doktor Zoom September 1, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Reminds me of George Carlin's bit about his progressive Jesuit high school, where they taught him critical thinking so well that he eventually was an atheist by the time he graduated

Negropolis September 1, 2012 at 10:28 pm

The catholics are particularly good at education, or were, not sure how good catholic education is now that they've gone all culture warring on social issues. I mean, the Vatican has a giant assed library and telescopes looking for alien life.

DahBoner September 1, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Grapes of Rothko..

Arborista September 2, 2012 at 12:32 am

Is that a whinery?

TribecaMike September 1, 2012 at 11:09 pm

I had dinner with Mitt and Ann tonight. I don't mind eating on the ironing board, but do they have to spray starch on everything?

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Yes, it's how they maintain their trademark rigidity.
Well, that, and the ramrod where it is…

ProgressiveInga September 1, 2012 at 11:18 pm

O/T but I was reading nyt tonight and clicked on Tom Friedman and I actually didn't hate most of the piece, especially this:

"Sitting through all the speeches, it was clear to me that people who think Romney, having accepted the nomination, is now going to pivot to the center are fooling themselves. There is no organic connection between Romney and the G.O.P. base. You could feel it in the hall. He is renting the party to fulfill his dream of becoming president, and they’re renting him to get rid of President Obama. But this is not Romney’s party. I don’t see him taking it back to his moderate past."

For some reason, I like the visual of Rmoney 'renting' the wingnuts to fulfill his selfish purposes……….Happy Labor Day Weekend, bitches!

Link here, if you dare: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/02/opinion/sunday/

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 11:45 pm

"He is renting the party to fulfill his dream of becoming president"

Good observation, and nicely worded.

ttommyunger September 2, 2012 at 7:51 am

Proving that even a broken clock is correct occasionally; certainly more often than Miss Skinbeard.

tessiee September 1, 2012 at 11:34 pm

No wonder they don't want the schoolchildren to see those bears.
They're not only carrying knives, they're also bear naked.

Arborista September 2, 2012 at 12:38 am

That's beary true.

DerrickWildcat September 2, 2012 at 2:04 am

What's really strange is that Donald Duck never wears pants, but in one cartoon he jumped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waste because Goofy was looking at him.

tessiee September 2, 2012 at 12:53 am

Your move, Stan and Jan Berenstain.

Biff September 2, 2012 at 2:13 am

Bears stand their ground, too.

DerrickWildcat September 2, 2012 at 2:14 am

A truly epic battle of traditional contrasting styles. A Stabber vs. a Slasher.

James Michael Curley September 2, 2012 at 5:54 am

The Slasher has a tactical advantage, being a lefty, to be able do damage with only minor cuts.

ttommyunger September 2, 2012 at 7:52 am

Needz moar buttsecks.

Dashboard Buddha September 2, 2012 at 8:51 am

The results of this will be unbearable.

DahBoner September 2, 2012 at 9:59 am

"thinking shouldn't be prohibited"

Haha. Has this feller ever even been to Texas?

Whollyholeyholy September 2, 2012 at 3:38 pm

My high school outside of Houston got all worked up over Jonathan Swift and baby eating, and it's not like he wrote that piece the previous week. HISD doesn't want this battle, and sadly, I can't laugh because I just feel sorry for everyone involved.

Doktor Zoom September 2, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Well, folks in that part of the country are worried that they may accidentally be eating them some babbies, so…

Biff September 2, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Pretty much everything I know about bears, I learned from living in close proximity to them.
The website is owned by an old friend from a lifetime ago.

aboutheagora September 3, 2012 at 1:06 am

Shit like this makes me glad I decided to move out of Texas as soon as I can.

Troglodeity September 4, 2012 at 11:14 am

It's "permissible," not "permissable," you Houston School Board moran!

Doktor Zoom September 1, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Dante was the original / ultimate Mary Sue.

Geminisunmars September 2, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I loved Colbert's take on it. Something to the effect that dining on the ironing board was so difficult when the maid came in to do the ironing.

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