PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW  12:30 pm August 30, 2012

RNC Offers Video Tributes To Ron Paul, Other Losers

by Josh Fruhlinger

You didn't build that lens flareSorry you can’t be president Ron Paul! Also, sorry you didn’t win enough states (any states, the Virgin Islands is not a state) and thus couldn’t secure a speaking slot at the Republican National Convention! Also also, sorry they treated your delegates all mean and changed the delegate rules so you and people like you won’t get delegates ever again! But here, would you like a gauzy, high-production-values video tribute? Would that placate you and your angry, weirdo followers? Probably not, but we’ll show the video anyway after the jump, what harm could it do.

Behold the Ron Paul video in all its glory! Starting with a long shot of some guy driving down a road in the woods (a metaphor for Ron Paul’s Lonely Road to Freedom), then a bunch of people like Jim DeMint and Rand Paul and Mitch McConnell talk about how that Ron might be an ornery old coot, but he sure did get us talking about how we need to cut all government spending and not borrow any money and such!

There are a whole lot of phrases strongly associated with Ron Paul that do not appear anywhere in this video, including all of the cool ones (“drug war,” “war”) and some of the wacko ones (“gold standard,” “race war”). To be fair, it also didn’t include the phrase “pro-life,” nor did it include the phrase “I endorse Mitt Romney,” so there’s that! Still, It’s too bad they didn’t just show this 1988 clip from the Morton Downey, Jr., show instead, it’s the best.

Bye Ron Paul! We’ll miss you and your rigorous libertarian philosophy that involves not killing people with bombs or jailing them for weed but then letting them die of poverty, and also telling women they can’t get abortions!

Oh, also, there was a tribute to America’s favorite father-son presidential team that isn’t John and John Quincy Adams: George H.W. and George W. Bush! We’re not sure why this was felt to be necessary, since unlike Ron Paul the Bushes do not have a fanatic base of support, or even a tepid one. Still, if you want to see a video that features an anecdote about George H.W. Bush being yelled at by White House staff while he was in the bathtub, the Bushes dog-whistling about how the Oval Office needs to be treated with Respect and Dignity unlike the way it’s treated by some blowjob-getting and hip-hop-barbecue-having Democrats we could mention, Barbara Bush condescending to a comical little Polish man, and Laura Bush laughing it up about how her dog attacks journalists, knock yourself out.

Will we ever have to see any of these people again? Probably, but let’s pretend not for now, it’ll be nicer.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 91 comments }

Tundra Grifter August 30, 2012 at 12:34 pm

You know it's the Republican Convention because there are more people of color on the podium than in the audience.

They are pushing Mia Love, with the wonderful story that her parents arrived in the United States from Haiti with $10 in their pockets.

Would they be allowed to do that in 2012? I'm thinking "No." Would either (r)Money or Paul RAyn support them being able to come here with no money? Geez – what do you think?

BerkeleyBear August 30, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Well, they had to build upon Ted "I've got a hispanic last name and I'm from Texas, but I'm not some dirty Messican" Cruz. From the recap I heard, his dad was a convert from Fidel's revolutionary forces, came her without legally declaring his assets (sewing money into underwear), taking a stereotypical illegal immigrant job (dishwasher, naturally). But because of an accident of geography this is an American success story instead of a Federal crime.

Tundra Grifter August 30, 2012 at 2:43 pm

We know the good people from Haiti don't get the "Wet foot/dry foot" breaks.

Dr_Zoidberg August 30, 2012 at 12:34 pm

How quickly was this nonsense cobbled together?

actor212 August 30, 2012 at 12:35 pm

It really needed a soundtrack like "The Way We Were" or "Billy, Don't Be A Hero"

Arborista August 30, 2012 at 12:53 pm

"You'll Never Walk Alone"?

eggsacklywright August 30, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Career Opportunities?

"…every job they offer you's to keep you off the dock…"

Baconzgood August 30, 2012 at 12:35 pm

I wanna 1988 retro hipster Pizza Hut table cloth shirt too. Like the dude in the second video.

fuflans August 30, 2012 at 12:36 pm

i am so waiting for the rEVOLution.

i hope there will be fire.

actor212 August 30, 2012 at 12:36 pm

The opening to the Ron Paul video…that's stolen straight from a Cialis commercial, stone cold.

IonaTrailer August 30, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Ron Paul is beginning to look good to me after last night.

At least me can smoke the spleef.

OzoneTom August 30, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Gary Johnson could still pick him as his Veep!

Baconzgood August 30, 2012 at 12:37 pm

I find these difficult to masterbate too.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 30, 2012 at 1:05 pm

You are not trying hard enough!

elviouslyqueer August 30, 2012 at 12:37 pm

So these clips are like the RNC's version of Academy Awards' postmortem "tributes," only with people who are dead to them instead of just simply dead.

OneYieldRegular August 30, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Sarah Palin is all like, "But where's MY tribute video, dammit?!"

Designer_Rants August 30, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I think if there's a silver lining to the Mittens 2012 Campaign, it's that he or one of his bosses (Koch Bros) or one of his immediate underlings (Boston Blatherers) ordered everyone to put that Alaskan Know-Nothing on ice. She's done now.

Tequila Mockingbird August 30, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Haha, it's like the 'In Memoriam' montage at the Oscars, except with less orchestras and talent.

elviouslyqueer August 30, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Jinx!

Arborista August 30, 2012 at 12:39 pm

How did my garden gnome get to Tampa? And what has he done with his hat?

Baconzgood August 30, 2012 at 12:39 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2F3CMVagiHQ

I'd rather watch this than that Ron Paul/Bush thingy.

Callyson August 30, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction to the RNC last night.

Blueb4sinrise August 30, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Think the RNC can prep that young gun by 2116?

[had not seen that one , it may be the best 16 sec. on Y-tube]

SmutBoffin August 30, 2012 at 12:41 pm

And so Ron Paul has been cast aside…

…like a sticky, wadded-up tissue and photo of Samwise Gamgee.
…like an Ayn Rand novel that the used bookstore wouldn't accept.
…like a "rEVOLution 2008" yard sign that has grown too faded to read.
…like a repugnant socioeconomic theory of absolute personal freedom to pursue wealth above all else moderated only by nothing.

elviouslyqueer August 30, 2012 at 12:47 pm

…like a deflated blimp.

FakaktaSouth August 30, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Bill Clinton getting blown in the oval office is still better than any single thing W did in there ever.

IonaTrailer August 30, 2012 at 12:58 pm

"He's a hard dog to keep on the porch."

Chichikovovich August 30, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Though all the times he called Karl Rove "Turdblossom" in the Oval Office were important highlights, Igottaadmit.

sbj1964 August 30, 2012 at 12:43 pm

The GOP voters should all exit stage left.The right exit is blocked by last minute rule changes,and backroom deals.This is what the RNC stands for.As for Mittens who knows what he stands for at the moment?Could be anything.

Joshua Norton August 30, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Don't people usually have to be dead to get one of these?

I have 2 words for Ron.

Food. Taster.

AtwatersGhost August 30, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Now go fuck-off you crazy old coot!

Arborista August 30, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Now go start your Third Party, you crazy old coot…

MissTaken August 30, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Are these the Death Panels we were warned about?

HobbesEvilTwin August 30, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Are these the Death Panels we were warned about promised?

Callyson August 30, 2012 at 12:44 pm

"It's the American story…charting your own path"

Oh God–why must every pollitical agitprop piece start by acting as if Americans are the only ones who have any free will in life?

/tl:dw

Chichikovovich August 30, 2012 at 1:14 pm

I think it traces back to a famous American who announced "Here I stand, I can do no other" at the Diet of Worms.

CthuNHu August 30, 2012 at 11:46 pm

But — that implies a lack of free will…

Chichikovovich August 30, 2012 at 1:27 pm

It is one of the features of American culture that cause the most raised eyebrows among people living elsewhere. Some figure will announce "America is the only country in the world where x", [ x = chooses its own leaders, admits free enterprise, allows freedom of speech/the press/...., has running water and indoor plumbing, laws of gravity hold, etc.] and the outsider will think "Hmmmm… don't we have that here?"

thefrontpage August 30, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Wake up and smell the coffee!! Let's be a bit more honest and direct: Ryan's speech was full of flat-out LIES, mistruths, mis-statements, inaccuries, incorrect statements, more lies, falsehoods, inaccurate statements, distortions, and even more lies. It was literally unprofessional, offensive, corrupt, unethical, immoral, deceptive, misleading, wrong, inaccurate and an affront to intelligence and government and politics in general. It was flat-out full of lies. Romney, too, has spouted lies–in speeches, in interviews and in campaign ads. It's a continual wonder why anyone on this planet would even consider voting for these frauds, poseurs and liars. That's the truth–and nothing but the truth.

Wadisay August 30, 2012 at 12:46 pm

How about one for Rafalca: loser nag with four left feet, who disgraced America.

SorosBot August 30, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Wait, I thought Obama became President immediately after Clinton, which is why one or the other of them is responsible for evewrything bad that happened from 2001 to 2008.

Lascauxcaveman August 30, 2012 at 12:47 pm

LOL, he called that guy "fat." (If he only knew how fat we'd all be 20 years later…)

SigDeFlyinMonky August 30, 2012 at 12:48 pm

As the party tightens discipline in the ranks my mind drifts back to yesteryear and a disciplined party apparatus of other mediocre zealots…. Watch for the neoNKVD to pounce on the first comrade to stop clapping after the tearful speach of our glorious leader comrade Jughashvili.., err Romney. (Don't render me bro!)

kittensdontlie August 30, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Fun Fact from the Bushy video: Poppy "Bush holds the all-time record for the most general election debate appearances."

Wow, Poppy is a U.S. debate record holder! Unfortunately when sent to the Debate Olympics, he choked just like Rafalca.

SorosBot August 30, 2012 at 12:50 pm

"the Oval Office needs to be treated with Respect and Dignity "

Instead of being dirtied and humiliated by a man who invades another country just for the hell of it, orders illegal unconstitutional torture and indefinite detentions without trial, and allows an American city to drown while he plays guitar.

HobbesEvilTwin August 30, 2012 at 1:00 pm

yeah, but that other blah guy got a beejay!

OneYieldRegular August 30, 2012 at 12:51 pm

And for this Ron Paul's supporters angrily marched out of the convention center, just like everyone wished they would.

Hera Sent Me August 30, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Today we are all Paultards.

BarackMyWorld August 30, 2012 at 12:51 pm

TRIBUTES???

Like in "Hunger Games"???

no_gravity August 30, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Ron can play the part of Rue.

Terry August 30, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Wasn't W supposed to head off to his Paraguayan ranch by now?

ManchuCandidate August 30, 2012 at 12:52 pm

America's Stupidest Home Videos was always awful.

DerrickWildcat August 30, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Well I think it's really nice to do that. Kind of how they show all the good people that died that year at the Oscars.

prommie August 30, 2012 at 12:55 pm

The soundtrack should be Frank Sinatra's "Here's To The Losers." Has anyone ever heard that song? Worst most amazingly bad horrible song ever, and thus appropriate. So bad it gives me douche chills when I hear it. Sinatra, man what a fucking no talent hack.

Baconzgood August 30, 2012 at 12:57 pm

WOW! I don't think that anyone ever said that…WOOOOOW

BaldarTFlagass August 30, 2012 at 1:02 pm

For a better tribute tune, "Even the Losers." Then Tom Petty can sue them for using it without permission. Ha ha.

FakaktaSouth August 30, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Jesus Christ FINALLY you attack a national treasure I don't care about. That asshole was the singer of my wedding dance song that my mother OBVIOUSLY picked out, so fuck him and fuck the mob for giving him a job.

prommie August 30, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Singer? That fucking shitbag never sang, he talked the songs with that strange pugnacious attitude. I do not, I mean it I do not ever want to know what fucking song it could possibly have been. Sinatra oozed such narcissistic insincerity from every pore and in every note he spoke, god playing him at a wedding reception is like putting air quotes around the vows.

FakaktaSouth August 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I would never go so far as to admit the song. Air quotes would have been too seriously committal for that shit. And you're right, Frank wasn't near the talker John McCrea or even Snoop Dogg is for singing.

prommie August 30, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Whats a John McCrea?

scorpy1 August 30, 2012 at 12:58 pm

That was awesome; the political equivalent of a "lifetime achievement Oscar so we can score points with people who believe you are wonderful, but go away now go, you are outdated" video.

x111e7thst August 30, 2012 at 1:00 pm

President for life – Republic of Paultardia.

Arborista August 30, 2012 at 1:03 pm

What the fuck happened to the War on Caterpillars? Looks like they missed a couple just over Ron Paul's eyes…

Guppy August 30, 2012 at 1:05 pm

We’re not sure why this was felt to be necessary, since unlike Ron Paul the Bushes do not have a fanatic base of support, or even a tepid one.

"Be nice to W or you'll have to find another token black woman to put on camera, and she's a rug-muncher!"

–XOXO Condi

RadioBowels August 30, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Played backwards it says, "everybody smokes pot."

Designer_Rants August 30, 2012 at 1:36 pm

"ReLoveU, Pot Smoke!" ~In Best 'Shaggy Dog' Voice

BaldarTFlagass August 30, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Why are they showing these during the day while all the delegates are out getting the Prime Rib lunch specials at the titty bars?

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 30, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Unless the convention ends tonight with the rEVOLution blimp crashing into the convention center in a fiery kamikaze attack, I'm going to be very disappointed in the Paultards.

eggsacklywright August 30, 2012 at 1:11 pm

And a pall was cast over the convention.

Fox n Fiends August 30, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I enjoyed how the free market of ideas treated Ron Paul and his superfluous workers.

deleted4877492 August 30, 2012 at 1:15 pm

There are few politicians that are as inspirational as Ron Paul, but words are secondary to situational reality. A persons needs are unique and can only be served in a special way. Sorry Paul you cannot help me.

natoslug August 30, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Cake can be served in many ways. There are many unique cakes in the world. Do you like tortes?

polnick August 30, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Of course! It is a delicious dessert.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 31, 2012 at 11:59 am

Ron Paul: the delicious torte of the GOP.

Limeylizzie August 30, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I would not let Ron Paul anywhere near my vagina, I would let Sherrod Brown wear it as a hat, though.

Designer_Rants August 30, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I hope Gary Johnson turns into the conservaturds' Nader, and he shaves off those 2 percentage points, and Republicans complain and create conspiracy theories about it for the next 30 years and then they all stop voting forever because they're too stupid.

Pithaughn August 30, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Like most ( at least some ) right wing political movements, the primary purpose is to enrich the leader. It is essentially the " Make Ron Paul Rich" movement.

TootsStansbury August 30, 2012 at 1:58 pm

On my phone anyway, the first picture um the shadow under the nose looks like ah a Hitler mustache.

DahBoner August 30, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Another Republican loser.

glamourdammerung August 30, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I have to be honest here. I will kind of miss that insane old racist.

Baba_NinjaCat12 August 30, 2012 at 4:26 pm

This is where Ron 'Wrong' Paul probably will end up.

ttommyunger August 30, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Anything that divides the Right is O Fucking Kay by me. Rave on Ron, you'll be covered soon…

american__mutt August 30, 2012 at 8:37 pm

I will miss Paul.

american__mutt August 30, 2012 at 8:41 pm

Can't we all at least admire an honest politician whether or not their ideas are bad? Sometimes intellectual consistency is just too rare a sight.

Peckerwood_Pete August 31, 2012 at 8:34 am

Ah yes, the Bush years…. good times, good times….

On a positive note… Ron Paul was not the worst the GOP could have done. At least the ol' fool wouldn't have gotten us into a war (that we couldn't afford) with Iran… or any other backwards Middle Eastern hellhole we decide to invade…

Biel_ze_Bubba August 31, 2012 at 11:57 am

This reminds me of the end of the Academy Awards, where they show clips of films made by dead people.

FakaktaSouth August 30, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Lead singer for Cake you poseur. Good thing you're smart other ways.

prommie August 30, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Sheep go to heaven.

BaldarTFlagass August 30, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Prommie will survive your name-calling, because he's going the distance.

FakaktaSouth August 30, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I guess that just leaves me and the goats then.

FakaktaSouth August 30, 2012 at 1:41 pm

"While Frank Sinatra sings stormy weather, the flies and spiders get along together…"
(I love full circle nonsense)

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