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I am a tweet!Tampa, Day Something —

We had just gotten a small glass of Bulleit (the greatest bourbon) from the very sweet twenty-nothing barkeep, when a lady, who just moments before had gotten what looked to be a lovely pinot grigio, walked over and told us the bar was closed. Oh, okay, certainly! we said as we paused to take a sip. “No the bar is closed now,” she explained, and the dozen people standing with their drinks waited for us to put down our glass and let security escort us to the elevator. Apparently, we got kicked out of a Politico party for tweeting mean things? That is weird, right? Is that weird? Like, don’t put a hashtag in front of people and then expect them not to call you barfy? That is just how hashtags work!

Hmmm, that was kind of mean! Then there was this:


This one might be the meanest, because of how we noticed a thing that was true, and then said it.

Well, soon the producer, who was a tall, gorgeous blonde in a bitchen black sheath dress, came out to ask if we had noted that there were many female lady type people reporting from inside the convention center, and had we noted that, huh, huh? And we were like sure we guess maybe I don’t know, martini?

And then Jim Vandehei (he’s the young one, right?) came over and was like YOU ARE FROM WONKET HELLO I AM SAYING HELLO TO YOU BECAUSE OF HOW YOU SAID YOU WERE LONELY BEFORE (oh, because we had tweeted that we were lonely before) and before we could really reply he had turned around and left and gone back to his friends and we had TURDED ALL UP IN THEIR PUNCH BOWL.

Then they had security throw us out, but joke’s on them, because we had already made out with him earlier, and he totally left and came with us, the end.

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