Lazy Jeebus

God Too Lazy To Destroy New Orleans Homosexualistas A Second Time

Where are you tonight, O sweet Jesus?Do you guys remember the good old days? Things were so much simpler then, when we could identify the homosexualista menaces in our midst, at which point the wind would start to a-blowin’ on account of “come a cloud!” and we could tie all those things together in order to fulfill the holy wrath of “Goddidit!” Sexy gayness + New Orleans = poor black people being destroyed and sent to random places in Texas and Tennessee, while all kinds of white upper-middle class denizens of the area could resettle happily in other Southern cities, knowing that their Jeebus had done did what had needed to be done. Everybody wins, right? Praise Him, Lord I Lift Your Name On High, etc., etc.

This Isaac not-so-Hurricane is really screwing people who believe such things, as you will see in a moment. Now, of course, Isaac is wreaking its own sort of havoc, as the storm sort of refuses to move, instead choosing to teabag New Orleans and the surrounding area far beyond its welcome, and we at the Wonkette are certainly paying attention to the actual damage that’s being done. This particular Wonkette, the Evan one right here talking at you, lives a few hours north in Memphis, and there are a lot of ties between those two cities and we have lots of friends there, blah blah blah, we are concerned about our loved ones. But there is another point to be made and so, POINT IS:

What kind of pansy god do the Religious Right inspired by Pat Robertson and his cohort worship anyway?

The arrival of Hurricane Isaac exactly seven years after Hurricane Katrina blasted New Orleans has some people wondering if there’s more to it than random chance, and suggesting the popular homosexual festival Southern Decadence may be part of a judgment from God.

“A hurricane hitting a celebration of decadence … twice in seven years. What are the odds?” asks Robin Cox, a lifelong Gulf Coast resident.

“Does it seem God has it in for New Orleans?” adds Mary Starkey. “Just contemplating why this has happened twice in seven years at exact same time of year.”

Except that, Mary and Robin, suck though this storm may suck, it’s not Katrina, and Southern Decadence will go on, and will surely feature more sucking than the average World Net Daily reader can admit to fantasizing about every hour of every day of the last millenium. WHAT ARE THE ODDS? And if this is your god’s idea of judgment, then wussy wussy wussy OMG wussy. Or, as a good Southern Gentleman would say to such a short-staffed god, “oh, bless his heart!”

Here’s another really special guy, just a true exemplar of the phrase “second place is first loser”:

“The church, city and nation have not repented and the homosexual agenda is far worse than it was in 2005,” he wrote, adding that the fact two hurricanes are striking New Orleans seven years apart is “biblically important” as God created the universe in seven days.

“New Orleans is still hosting Southern Decadence with open homosexuality manifesting in the streets of the city.It could be that God is putting an end to this city and its wickedness.”

One would think that if the Big Guy had some kind of GAY-KILLING SEVEN YEAR CELEBRATION (five and a half years, Alan?) in mind, he’d be able to finish the job. If we’re looking for some sort of “seven-day-big-ginormous-god-boner-finish” to vanquish all gays, well this one is looking kind of flaccid.

As it is, the big Judgment Storm is kind of just sitting there, causing a lot of problems for people in Plaquemines Parish and other areas, having much less effect on the higher parts of NOLA (where the Bonerista festival is about to happen) and worrying a lot of friends and family members of people being affected by flooding. As usual, it’s affecting the poor the most, and while we know that Republican Fundamentalists don’t exactly blanche in embarrassment when the poor are hurt by their beliefs or policies, we somehow still would like to think that maybe one day they’ll be able to react to things like hurricanes and earthquakes like normal humans.

Doy, just kidding, they’re imbeciles, and pigheaded, selfish, racist ones at that.

Great job, Pat Robertson’s Jeebus! You’re a champ, as always.

About the author

Evan Hurst spends his days deflecting the sad glances of his black lab, Lula, who would please like him to stop typing letters to the internet and throw the squeaky chicken in the backyard instead. As a Noted Homosexual, Evan is obviously condemned and has nothing to lose at this point, so he spends his days as the Director of Social Media for Truth Wins Out, and lends a hand at the Wonkette in order to protect its gentle readers from the Homosexual Menace. Also, he writes songs and plays the piano, at the same time! Lastly, Evan is a Southern person, and thus is casting polite judgment on you, right now, for reading this. Bless your heart.

View all articles by Evan Hurst
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  1. Barbara_

    I think God keeps sending hurricanes on John McCain's birthday to help him blow out all those candles on his birthday cake. That's got to be exhausting.

          1. Barbara_

            Mina will have a heart procedure done on Sept. 7th to try to balloon her partially collapsed aorta up again.

            How is your daughter-in-law doing.

          2. weejee

            Doing well but losing some hair. Today is biweekly chemo day so we're all wearing purple. We Woketteers need to do a group Om on the 7th.

  2. sbj1964

    Crazy people,and religious people are the same.Both have imaginary invisible friends,and think they talk to them.

    1. Madfall

      His jurisdiction runs out in the deity-free wasteland north of the Mason-Dixon line. That'd be my guess.

    2. Terry

      He sends them earthquakes. Just to show his supreme power, though, God should mix it up and put a hurricane over S.F. and an earthquake in N.O..

      1. Biff

        I don't get either of those here in this lesbo-centric area of the Silver State. Just ungodly heat, which I'm not sure who to blame on…

    3. weejee

      Or Seattle, or Portland, or the rest of the left coast? Mmmm, likely in an average year moar folks are killed in the red states by tornadoes and himicanes than were killed during the entire 20th Century on the left coast from earthquakes and those oh so messy volcanoes.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Sorry Weej, they're not listening. Numbers and statistics are too closely related to science.

  3. Misty Malarky

    Apparently God never got a load of the gayness buttsechs that infests Key West.

    Or maybe he doesn't want to endanger Jesus, who I understand frequents 'Dick Dock'.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      Fire Island is just sitting there in Long Island sound and it's probably the gay-est place on earth per capita. It's even shaped like a double headed dildo. Why doesn't god send his howling winds and storm surges there?
      My theory is it's just too close to the Hamptons. God has a real hard on for rich people.

        1. SpeedoFart

          Yes, but Irene took a nasty bite out of the rural red counties in upstate NY. I'm not sure what the take-away is: Does god have lousy aim or does he hate the "live free or die"ers* as much as the rest of us do?

          *Well, they're livin' free or dyin' as long as the government keeps handing out those sweet sweet farm subsidies.

    2. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Yeah we're never supposed to take away the fact that god keeps hitting red states with calamities (high heat since climate change is a myth, hurricanes, etc.) while we in the blue states have few natural problems to contend with (well California has earthquakes, but in fairness those do kick the shit out of the OC as well, and two Republican preznits have librariers there) that maybe god doesn't like conservatives perverting the "inerrant truth" of the bible. Nope, it's god hates fagos…

  4. ChernobylSoup

    God isn't vengeful; he just has Tourette syndrome. Some repetition is inevitable considering the frequency of his outbursts.

  5. Texan_Bulldog

    "God Too Lazy To Destroy New Orleans Homosexualistas A Second Time"

    That's because He's still traumatized from realizing that He created all those stupid people gathered in Tampa.

  6. boobookitteh

    Is washing Provincetown out to sea too easy a target for God? Cuz it would seem like that would require far less effort than whipping up a hurricane and killing a bunch of God fearing Haitians in the process.

  7. elviouslyqueer

    Also, fun fact: the places hit the hardest by flooding (i.e. Plaquemines, Terrebonne, and St. John the Baptist Parishes)? 1000% REPUBLICAN.

  8. ChernobylSoup

    Hurricanes start when warm, moist air from the ocean surface begins to rise rapidly, where it encounters cooler air that causes the warm water vapor to condense and to form storm clouds and drops of rain. The condensation also releases latent heat, which warms the cool air above, causing it to rise and make way for more warm humid air from the ocean below. As this cycle continues, more warm moist air is drawn into the developing storm and more heat is transferred from the surface of the ocean to the atmosphere.

    Or, you know, gays.

    1. sullivanst

      Gays are so much the soundbitier explanation, and therefore by GOPam's Razor, must be the right explanation.

    2. AbandonHope_

      Actually, this raises a rather troubling and serious question… people actually believe this. A lot of people. They think disasters are visited upon us by God because we are being sinners, heathens, et cetera.

      Now, hurricanes, floods, tornadoes, droughts, etc. are only going to increase thanks to global warming. (Not to mention earthquakes from stuff like fracking.) And what are these dullard masses going to do? Get more and more hysterical about how "the gays" and "the lazy Mexicans" and "the heathen Muslims" and "the evil Jews" (probably) are to blame for all their woes. And they're going to get more and more violent.

      It may not happen in my lifetime — heck, maybe not even in my daughter's lifetime — but if things keep going the way they are, this country will see some really hideous and evil pogroms soon enough… and the fascists in charge (elected by these same terrified, stupid mobs) will be gleeful supporters of them.

      1. ChernobylSoup

        I think it will happen in your lifetime. These (white) people see their majority status in the US slipping away; they're going to start acting out violently very soon.

  9. deleted4877492

    Having a job is important, without one we are a parasite. But it is detestable for a woman to accept employment on the condition that she performs sexual favors for her superiors. We can thank the Republican Party for their leadership in passing laws that makes sexual harassment a crime.

    1. Hera Sent Me

      Only 63.7% of working age Americans have a job. Of the millions who don't, my wife is one, and I can assure you she is no parasite.

    2. SpeedoFart

      Individually, the words in your post make sense. Taken together, though? I don't have the slightest fucking clue what you're barking on about.

  10. Hera Sent Me

    These are the people who believe Heaven is a gated community and that when Jesus said "Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God", he was just joking.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      They probably expect that in heaven, those folks will live in some other neighborhood. Because otherwise, it wouldn't be heaven.

  11. Not_So_Much

    My early a.m. lysdexia originally read that last name as 'Rob Pattinson's Jeebus'. Fucking vampires, they ruin everything.

  12. James Michael Curley

    I saw rampant sexuality in New Orleans. But it was two guys making it with two girls in a grave yard, right on the mausoleum steps. Then they got on their motorcycles and blew up.

  13. Terry

    "“A hurricane hitting a celebration of decadence … twice in seven years. What are the odds?” asks Robin Cox, a lifelong Gulf Coast resident."

    Seeing as we're talking the Gulf Coast in hurricane season, pretty darn good. It's sort of like planning a festival in Fargo in the winter and thinking that the cold weather is a sign from God.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      I personally never understood why Decadence was scheduled on Labor Day weekend, when it's 100 degrees with an accompanying million percent humidity. I mean, it just encourages all the gays to drink (a lot), sweat (a lot), and take off their clothes (a lot).

      Oh, wait…

      1. Terry

        The best time of year for festivals in south Louisiana is October. It's still warm, but not oppressively hot. The humidity has dropped, too. A great time to be outside.

        1. anniegetyerfun

          As far as I can tell, October is the only time in the world where it's a good idea to do anything. Pretty much any time we try to schedule a trip anywhere, our hosts will say "Oh, wait until October! It's tolerable then."

          Except New Delhi, which has actually pushed its tolerable weather back into November due to global warming.

    2. PsycWench

      Surely there is no record of hurricanes in the New Orleans area prior to this festival. The fact that the drink and the train there are named "Hurricane" must be a coincidence.

  14. eggsacklywright

    So if the death twirlies on the other side of the world rotate in the opposite direction, does that make them gay?

  15. OneYieldRegular

    So God is really just punishing the poor? We sort of knew that already by the amazing Biblical coincidence of His generating a hurricane and a Republican National Convention at the same time.

  16. FakaktaSouth

    the poor are hurt by their beliefs or policies,

    God may not be doing such a great job at smiting the gays, but poor people policies are working great; their lobby to recruit ever more to their ranks seems to be quite effective.

      1. kittensdontlie

        Or are God and The Devil in a Gay Marriage?????

        Did God see the light, and in exploring his own sexuality, found only one avenue for a godly romance(god & fallen-god). Now, this is only a theory….

  17. Clancy_Pants

    "….has some people wondering if there’s more to it than random chance, and suggesting the popular homosexual festival Southern Decadence may be part of a judgment from God."

    Are these same people wondering if this year, finally, Santa Claus will bring them that red fire engine?

    1. sbj1964

      Religious people are as annoyingly stupid as a 13 year old that still believes in Santa.Smack up side the head!"I just wanted to keep the magic alive." Grow up!!

  18. Mittens Howell, III

    "adding that the fact two hurricanes are striking New Orleans seven years apart is “biblically important” as God created the universe in seven days."

    Which is why Republicans lie in sevens.

  19. James Michael Curley

    OT: TAMPA, Fla. (AP) – A Secret Service agent left a gun in the bathroom of a plane carrying Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney.
    A reporter discovered the gun while the plane was flying from Florida to Indiana on Wednesday. It was quickly retrieved by a Secret Service agent. The weapon belonged to an agent assigned to Romney's security detail."

    But he remembered the cannoli.

    1. PsycWench

      I saw them live many times when I was in grad school at UNC. Alas, I never threw chicken during "Eight Piece Box"…"I got me a thigh/ then I grabbed me a breast/ my mouth got so full, y'all/ I had to save the rest…"

  20. Goonemeritus

    If God had to visit biblical wrath on New Orleans every time they ran afoul of Leviticus he would have time for little else.

  21. humanmanc

    Hurricanes "blow" just liketh like gays therefore proof that The Father, The Son, & the 180 Proof Holy Spirit uses irony whence he is in a smiting mood. What are the odds??!!??

  22. LibertyLover

    OT- can I ask a stupid question? Who (or what) the Eff is a Honey Boo Boo? Is that Honey Badger's sister?

    1. freakishlywrong

      It's a spin-off of the equally terrifying "Toddlers n' Tiaras". She is a fattish, outspoken, pageant girl who is, duh, the spawn of southern white trash. Her parents will be voting Romney thus ensuring Honey Boo-Boo a life on the pole.

    2. pdiddycornchips

      She's a category 5 dumbass who will earn more dollars that this educated and erudite wage slave can ever hope to earn in his feeble lifetime. Did Jeebus say blessed are the bitters? No? Then I'm fucked in this life and the next.

      1. LibertyLover

        Maybe you can console yourself that she will probably spend it on a lifetime supply of cheetos and spanx?

  23. freakishlywrong

    God is really going to show his wrath when all this flooded and destroyed shit sits all over LA, MS, and AL due to the fact that Republicans in congress are already demanding a "pay for" for disaster relief. . (i.e: cut something that is dear to Godless libruls).

    1. Jimmyone

      God must be getting old…He missed both conventions with a good flush…I am now preparing for the next shitstorm. Don't know where or what…but the good Xtians should be looking over their shoulders.

  24. RRoccoco

    Every four years, the Geriatric Oligarchic Plutocrats foist yet another pair of erstwhile crypto-fascist liars on the US, polluting the political process, disabling democratic governance, and undermining the economy. Coincidence, or Jaweh's punishment on a proud, fat, stupid nation?

    On an unrelated note, I'm concerned about the alcohol intake of our intrepid Wonketeers in the bowels of Tampon, Flah. Think of your livers, people! Doesn't anyone think of their livers?

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Hey, my cousin-in-law was wearing one of those last week while I was up visiting. And we were drinking!!!

  25. ChernobylSoup

    Just tweeted by the American Red Cross (as a joke):

    If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY. That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

    Give the Red Cross an avatar and a p-score.

  26. fuflans

    oh for fuck's sake people. it's hurricane season and the gulf coast is in hurricane territory. wind patterns, temperature and geography are the determining factors here.

    not somebody else having buttsechs.

    fucking medieval peasants.

  27. LibertyLover

    "“A hurricane hitting a celebration of decadence … twice in seven years. What are the odds?” asks Robin Cox, a lifelong Gulf Coast resident."

    Perhaps Robin needs to ask herself just exactly what Decadence SHE is participating in to cause the Almighty's rage?

  28. elviouslyqueer

    “New Orleans is still hosting Southern Decadence with open homosexuality manifesting in the streets of the city. It could be that God is putting an end to this city and its wickedness.”

    Um, "Pastor" McTernan? I think you should be a tad more worried about your fellow fundies than about all those Godless gays. Just saying.

  29. fartknocker

    This ladies and gents is an example of what happens when public dollars are spent on school textbooks written by the Bob Jones University and well-qualified and educated teachers are tossed aside for less expensive home-schooled Amway marketers as voucher school educators. A large part of the population is attempting to pray away the gay.

  30. BaldarTFlagass

    "The arrival of Hurricane Isaac exactly seven years after Hurricane Katrina blasted New Orleans has some people wondering if there’s more to it than random chance,"

    How about: It's hurricane season?

  31. VA_Dreaming

    Two GOP conferences in a row have been disrupted by hurricanes. Yawn, no comment. The poor people in NO have been hit with two hurricanes in seven years – it is the wrath of God. No wonder that Ryan and Romney can blatantly lie and get away with it – their supporters have no idea what cause and effect mean.

    1. AbandonHope_

      "Cause" and "effect" are the sinful language of that heathen Science. The "Cause" is Jeebus, the "effect" is everything ever.

      Damn, Christian science is EASY.

  32. Kid_Charlemagne

    There is no doubt that the Christian God is a vengeful one. After all, he created Christian rock.

  33. LibertyLover

    "A hurricane hitting a celebration of decadence & twice in seven years. What are the odds? asks Robin Cox, a lifelong Gulf Coast resident."

    Perhaps Jeebus is punishing the Gulf Coast because there isn't ENOUGH decadence… I mean, where does God get his porn from?

  34. randcoolcatdaddy

    If God was smiting out of control carnal homosexual desires, Fort Lauderdale would have been swept out to sea many years ago along with a good percentage of representatives in southern legislatures.

  35. YasserArraFeck

    People!? Hurricane Isaac? One of them lib'rul jew hurricanes. Wait 'ntil a proper Amercian Hurricane, like Thad, Chad, Rick or Truknutz comes through. It'll tear them fagistas a new one, you betcha.

  36. ElPinche

    Temperature, pressure, humidity, gulf stream dynamics, lower/upper tropospheric dynamics and anticyclonic conditions (or "God") work in mysterious ways.

  37. Naked_Bunny

    Yeah, what are the odds that an event held in a hurricane-prone area during hurricane season might be affected by a hurricane occasionally.

    Meanwhile, the Bible Belt is torn up by tornadoes every year. That's different, though.

  38. BaldarTFlagass

    So, any reports/photos of black people out looting grocery stores, or of white people out finding food? Don't let me down, Fox News!

  39. BaldarTFlagass

    “A hurricane hitting a celebration of decadence … twice in seven years. What are the odds?”

    Isn't this Decadence thing an annual event? You'd think that if he really fucking hated it that much, God would send a Force Fiver every fucking Labor Day, instead of fucking off for seven years between dispensations of His wrath.

  40. AbandonHope_

    They're drawing the wrong conclusion; clearly God is hitting the more destitute sections of the Gulf Coast so often because He hates the poor. Seriously, wouldn't this fit into their whole social-Darwinist, "I'm rich because I'm inherently a better human being" viewpoint far better? They may as well come out and admit it, save everybody a lot of trouble.

  41. pdiddycornchips

    Maybe they have it all wrong and god hates beignet's and crawfish etouffee? If so, god can bite me. That's shit's worth an eternity in hell.

  42. Doyle_Hargraves

    I'm from New Orleans. I've always told them to move Decadence to March and test that theory. Then August and September would feature a vengeful God simply dumping on the exploitation of blatant, freewheeling HETERO-sexuality on display in the Quarter every day of the year.

  43. mbobier

    I would like to hear these guys explain why, with Katrina, the French Quarter — where almost all the strip clubs and transvestite bars are — was damaged the least by the storm, and was up and running sooner after the storm than any other part of the city. Meanwhile, in other parts of NOLA, church and schools were destroyed, even as the French Quarter was relatively untouched. By the logic expressed above, God apparently likes gays — and strippers, and hookers, and johns — more than churchgoers and children. Think about what you're sayin', fundies, and don't try to religify the weather.

  44. ttommyunger

    FINALLY! I knew this pompous windbag couldn't let a natural disaster go by without connecting it with teh butsechs. I was thinking (wishful type) maybe he'd gone on to meet Jeebus when he didn't jump right on it; guess he's just getting slower in his dotage. Oh well, that's something.

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