in case you were wondering still no building of that by you

Liveblogging Tampa Wednesday: Rand Paul Ryan Rubio Olympians?

you will worship the aqua buddhaI would like to welcome you all to my first ever Wonkette liveblog of anything ever except for those three years that I was secretly running the entire site but pretending I was white people!


Tonight, we have Rand Paul, who the RNC mistakenly identified as Ron Paul, and Jeb Bush, the only Bush allowed at the convention, and Marco Rubio, who is Cuban and therefore better than Democratic minorities, and of course P90X dreamboat Paul Ryan, who is neither Ron Paul or Rand Paul but will Fifty Shades of Grey the fuck out of you if you agree to take a Medicare voucher.

Drop your drawers, because it’s RNC night two: PANTSLESS PROSPERITY! Complete stupid schedule here.

There are Olympians tonight, too. Presumably ones who built that. Without coaches.

8:42 PM – Let’s get this started!

8:42 PM – Some lady on the floor is interviewing an immigrant (LEGAL) who learned how to quote Ronald Reagan just as good as a native-born ‘Murkan. I’m not sure why else he’s there, but he would die for Ronald Reagan. Or a lock of his hair.

8:43 PM – Boring man named “Tad True” (obvious pseudonym) talking about the Keystone Pipeline.

8:47 PM – Tad True still talking about how he’s hoping Obama will let the True Children ride the Keystone Pipeline on family vacations.

8:49 PM – Lady at the convention who owns a small business (OF COURSE) is blaming Obama for businesses not lending her money, as opposed to the massive economic meltdown in 2008 that’s tightened credit for everyone, because SHE BUILT THAT WOOOOOOOOO

8:51 PM – Some douche in a vest and very nearly hipster glasses is rubbing his newly trimmed beard all over a mic and calling it music.

8:54 PM – The proliferation of shitty music is really making me wonder how there aren’t enough Republicans in a nation of 310 million people to avoid having to listen to this.

8:57 PM – Same musical interlude. Starting to have a creeping realization that life is short and I have spent many precious minutes of it listening to glorified hold music on my TV.

8:59 PM – Rob Portmania begins. And electrifies the screen so much my TV goes out. Or I turned it off.

9:00 PM – Mitt Romney made money the old-fashioned way! He used his dad’s connections to get a great education then went into business with people who knew his famous, powerful father!

9:04 PM – Rob Portman is on the hunt for Obama’s economic plan, which is right alongside his real birth certificate!

9:05 PM – This speech is a collection of terrible, repetitive things from a Hot Air comments section. The crowd is cheering.

9:08 PM – Uh, so, what’d you have for dinner? Was it good?

9:10 PM – Rob Portman plays Obama in Romney’s debate prep. Because he is a highly charismatic black man.

9:14 PM – Private sector entrepreneurs built that! But they need stronger patent laws and enforcement on the part of the government. BUT NO NEW REGULATIONS.

9:17 PM – The governor of a territory with no electoral votes is imploring “us” to vote for Mitt Romney. Because…fuck it, he built that?

9:22 PM – In case you’re wondering why you aren’t hearing about Puerto Rico’s overwhelming booming economy, it’s because unemployment there is 13.7%.


9:28 PM – Turning to MSNBC, where Rachel Maddow is sexing my brain. Then to Fox, where Sean Hannity is sexing Marco Rubio.

9:29 PM – Tim Pawlenty calls this Obama’s retirement party, but he wasn’t invited, so that’s a dick move.

9:30 PM – Pawlenty talks shit about Joe Biden; Joe Biden writes his name down on the enemies list.

9:31 PM – Pawlenty mocks the idea of world events having anything to do with the economy.

9:32 PM – From our editrix: “Tim Pawlenty is so invisible I didn’t know who he was.” It’s true!

9:34 PM – Is there anyone in America who gives a flying fuck about any speaker’s family?

9:35 PM – Pawlenty’s speech would be ten minutes shorter if he didn’t wait for applause that wasn’t coming.

9:36 PM – Pawlenty calls Romney “the help”, which means Romney’s shitting in a pie as we speak.

9:38 PM – If Obama doesn’t take a private sector job after he’s out of office, Tim Pawlenty will follow him around screaming at him until he dies.

9:40 PM – Mike Huckabee with the “Debbie Wasserman-Schulz is a giant screechy bitch” line out of nowhere. DRINK!

9:45 PM – The Constitution was perfect, then the Founding Fathers made it PERFECTER.

9:47 PM – Huckabee wants to tell you about Uncle Sugar touching you.

9:49 PM – Barack Obama is limboing against Catholics, because he’s Hermes Conrad.

9:50 PM – Barack Obama will kill babies after they’re born; Mitt Romney will give an unspecified amount of money to his church. Think about that.

9:52 PM – Bono shoutout! Obama would kill him after he was born, too.

9:55 PM – Condi Rice gets the biggest ovation of the evening, presumably because the delegates have no peanuts to throw at her.

9:56 PM – Condi brings up 9/11, which Barack Obama something something.

9:59 PM – Audience is getting restless, WHAT DID CONDI BUILD, DAMMIT?

10:oo PM – After five minutes, Condi says you cannot lead from behind, which would be news to every top in America.

10:02 PM – Is there something magical and amazing about the number of trade agreements you sign?

10:05 PM – It does not matter where you came from, so please vote for this American aristocrat!

10:06 PM – I get what Jack Donaghy sees in this lady.

10:13 PM – Condi Rice is giving the best speech of the convention because it’s absolutely nothing like any other speech at the convention.

10:17 PM – Susana Martinez is on. She is Hispanic. She is female. Her parents did things. Oh, and she carried a Magnum as a teenager.

10:18 PM – So, this is what it takes for the GOP to cheer a minority with a firearm.

10:21 PM – Martinez tells a really cute story about talking to people and then she was a Republican? I don’t know, everyone is cheering.

10:22 PM – Did you know that there is not a single deficit left in America EXCEPT OBAMA’S???

10:24 PM – Politifact needs to check this Susana Martinez, Grocery Store Hero story.

10:27 PM – It’s Paul Ryan! Time for my lotion! Did he just fuck up his first line?

10:28 PM – America doesn’t need a runaround, it needs a turnaround! Or a Roundabout. Paid for by Medicare.

10:30 PM – One of Paul Ryan’s kids just straight dashed out, I think.

10:33 PM –  Did you know poor people exist and have legitimate concerns? Well, they do until November 7th, hahahahaha!

10:36 PM – Paul Ryan proposes a massive single-file line of the unemployed.

10:37 PM – No free country can survive with government health insurance except all of the other ones but us!

10:39 PM – Ryan has been lying for about five minutes straight right now, so it’s time to take a break by going back to his grandmother.

10:40 PM – The RNC is cheering for Medicare, but against Obamacare, because anyone under 65 is a fucking punk.

10:42 PM – For some reason, these people LOVED the “ship sailing on yesterday’s wind” line.

10:44 PM – This crowd is on fire for a bunch of incoherent, contradictory and plain wrong attacks, because they all end with someone flipping off Obama.

10:45 PM – Paul Ryan warns we will turn into Greece, minus the Euro and the EU and everything else that actually made them go bankrupt.

10:47 PM – Honest things Paul Ryan said during this speech: that his name is Paul Ryan.


10:55 PM – Paul Ryan is one of them college boys, hmmmm?

10:56 PM – Obama is responsible for you being lazy. For you not working out. Apparently, for Mitt Romney’s shitty iPod playlists.

10:58 PM – Paul Ryan is young and listens to 70s rock!

11:00 PM – Paul Ryan says the strong should protect the weak, so let’s get rid of preexisting coverage and stuff.

11:01 PM – We have a right to choose our own leaders, unless we don’t have IDs, then we are sad and watch Netflix.

11:03 PM – LET’S DO THIS, SON! And by “this”, I mean watch Honey Boo Boo on DVR.

Good night!

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      1. bibliotequetress

        And what do you mean by "pants"? If you mean "any material, be it cotton, leather, chainmail, formed into any shape, be it jeans, boxers, or LLCoolJ harem pants," then for god's sake sit on a towel, please.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Yeah we were told to drop our drawers. I might keep my kitchen apron on, though. I have eight minutes to finish cooking before the derp brigade hits full flux at 9.

    2. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      sure it's wrong, if right is correct and wrong is the opposite of correct BUT if wrong is merely just a way of expressing your love (like a gynecologist and his patients), then you could say "if loving this is wrong, I don't wanna be right" which in fact, makes it right or something. I'm using GOP logic to turn Condi babbling about Jim Crow to the very people who pine for it like it's a bad thing and getting a standing ovation…personally I think they were applauding how good Jim Crow was for her….

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Oh wow someone is trying to get a fap-fest going…I think that's going on at Faux right now, a big circle jerk over Paul Ryan's lazy eyed Eddie Munster-sleazy looks.

    1. MilwaukeeKent

      Word is they're running a beta test on just such a plan tomorrow night. If they really go with HoloRonnie tomorrow night, I'm really going to worry even more about a possible Romney Presidency — like during his inaugural speech, "Soylent Green is people, my friends!"

    2. NellCote71

      Not soon enough. Guess that is why they are so stirred up about the whole pre-conception thing. Needs more MittBorgs.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Was that an admission of lesbiantastic interests on Ann's part?

      I caught a few lines of Ann's speech. I loved the line about how, when they were just po' young'uns, their desk was a door on two saw horses.

      1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

        yes, or like when they were in college and all they had to support them was Mitt's preferred stock given by his daddy, because you know ordinary and average…

  1. Barrelhse

    It's kind of too bad they didn't hold the convention in New Orleans. Why, they could be in the Houston Astrodome even as we speak.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    Small Business Lady blames President Obama for the banks not lending her money? Does she think it had anything to do with the banks blowing all our cash at the casino a few years back?

        1. bikerlaureate

          People who need to be reminded of this, over and over, are just being deliberately dense. They probably also think that the Senate minority leader actually said that his party's top priority was preventing President Obama's election.
          If Media Matters said it, the opposite is obviously true – and that's good enough for me.

    1. comrad_darkness

      The SBA is the only reason banks ever give any money to any small business. Oh noes, the government!

          1. Arborista

            I'm not drinking either, but also- I'm not really watching except in small doses, and also- my simulcast is not out of sync…

  3. Guppy

    Speaking of the Indian-born immigrant, was anybody else amused by the "city on the hill" metaphor being attributed to Reagan?

    (Hint: it was said by JESUS)

    1. miss_grundy

      At least they didn't say "City of Gold" because that would be Mario Cuomo and that was a great speech.

  4. TribecaMike

    I'd love to build it, but first I gotta get me one of them sweet gummint contracts. And chocolate, lots and lots of chocolate. And marionettes. Lots and lots of marionettes. Oh, and Doric columns, many many Doric columns. This is America, dammit!

  5. sudsmckenzie

    Be careful, Newell live blogged the Palin "I'm quitting" speech and we lost him for over a year.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Sure, with Palin's exit, many suffered from clinical depression over the loss of an extraordinary butt of many side-splitting jokes.

  6. Callyson

    Melissa Harris – Perry on MSNBC talking about Issac. Christ, I can't believe NO is being hit with this kind of shit again…

    1. shelwood46

      I saw that the partially-Katrina-destroyed house she bought, that she showed off on her show on Sunday to talk about how she was rebuilding it, has been completely destroyed by Isaac. Pity.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    World's Whitest Jazz Band again — they must have six or seven vamps they're just gonna repeat relentlessly during their filler segments — they're like "the audience doesn't know from music — just play these three chords over and over again until the next speaker sobers up."

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Ah, but did you see the middle-aged chubbettes in dirndl skirts and aprons warbling this afternoon? They I think they were from Suds' neck of the woods, but they didn't even have the manners to serve beer as part of their Germanic routine. Republicans consider that stuff to be suitable entertainment for the nation?? That alone should disqualify them from holding high office. Yodel-ay-hee-hoo.

      1. viennawoods13

        Oh good,I thought that was who it must have been. Now that mystery is solved (as I really can't be bothered to watch any of this, but did enjoy the My Neck My Back video)

    1. TribecaMike

      You mean GE Smith? If so, he's gone way downhill since touring with Dylan in the eighties, the poor dumb sap. Oh well, a paying gig is a paying gig (or maybe he just missed Victoria Jackson's backstage bj's).

  8. BathroomGoblin

    Is this the guy that let the bridge in his state fall on all those people or was that someone else?

    1. Biff

      Now it makes sense, MSNBC hiring Steele, one less blah person on the convention floor. Brilliant!

  9. Callyson

    "He built a company from the ground up"

    I'll bet the people who were Mittens' business partners just *love* being left out of that….

      1. bobbert

        Yeah — "He built a company" if"built" == "had handed to him on a platter, with take-backs allowed".

    1. BlueStateLibel

      Or more accurately: he loaded tens of millions of debt onto companies and then burned them to the ground.

    2. miss_grundy

      Or George Romney's friends, who helped Mittens start the company "he built from the ground up". Yeah, ahuh.

  10. freakishlywrong

    Rob Portmanteau is no funny. Do they eVen have ideas?

  11. Callyson

    "Which one would you choose to invest your life savings?"

    I'd love to hear from the employees who lost their pensions after Bain leveraged their companies and then cashed out, leaving them in the dust…

    1. bobbert

      Also, what the fuck does that have to do with Prezniting? If I want a fucking money manager, I'll hire one.

      1. bikerlaureate

        They can't use the ol' "…would you rather have a beer with," and focus testing on an replacement phrase has been inconclusive.

  12. Sparky McGruff

    If you turn the sound all the way down, and play Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon", all the people will appear to be complete douchebags, but you won't have to listen to the douchebags talk. And the music will be better than whatever country-ish crap they're currently playing.

  13. Guppy

    I'm pretty sure WWII lasted a bit longer than 4 years.

    I'm also pretty sure the Great Depression lasted even longer.

    1. viennawoods13

      That's right, forget about the other countries that hung in there from '39 to (almost) '42, because without GB and the Commonwealth, it would all have been over before the US made up its mind to join in.

      1. TribecaMike

        Bit o' trivia — Winston Churchill's actual name was Winston Spencer-Churchill, with hyphen. Says it right on the birth certificate.

    2. Callyson

      I hope the ghosts of no one knows *how* many Soviets who died in that conflict haunt him after that one.

    3. BerkeleyBear

      So those two won it all by themselves but Obama gets no credit for bin Laden because he didn't knife the guy single-handedly on TV? Logic fail.

      Also, way to piss off every other major economy's leader – because I'm sure the Germans and Japanese love hearing how we beat them as much as the Chinese, Brits, French and Russians like hearing us claim they had no part in it. Dipstick.

    4. BarackMyWorld

      "We don't actually remember anything that happened before 2009."
      -actual Republican platform plank, I swears.

    5. Negropolis

      I love this revisionist history that WWII didn't start until we entered it. It'd almost be funny if it wasn't so fucking offensive. We literally tried everything within our power not to get involved, even when we saw the slaughters.

  14. Callyson

    "America is tired of waiting"

    Yes we are–so stop fucking around with obstructionism and start acting in the interest of the country, not in your partisan interest, Reeps…


  15. Self-Uploader

    Envy, envy, envy, blah, blah, envy, envy, blah blah. Meantime, crazy curmudgeon John Sununu told the truth to NPR about how the GOP really feels about anyone who actually works for a living when he said that "risk takers" deserved the incentive of a low capital gains tax otherwise they would have to "take the easy way out" by working for a salary.

      1. Bezoar

        Walt Kelly was my hero. Great cartoon stylist and caricaturist. Remember the 'Jack Acid Society', his parody of the John Birch Society? It substantiates Twain's assertion that laughter is the way to attack tyranny. Did you know that he was one of the main graphic creators of Disney's movie Dumbo?

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Well between that and RMoney raising taxes on the middle by $2500 (even politifact had to say the robot wants to do this) to (partly, small percentage thereof) fund a gigantic tax cut for the rich…who do these people think they're fooling? Oh wait, the middle class votes slight majority Republican…fucking stupid cunts. The funny part is politifact which has lost much of its credibility ranking slight Obama errors (my favorite was FALSE because the figures were right but the context wasn't perfect) as equivolent to GIANT lies such as the Janesville GM plant weasel-boy cry face (Brokeback mountain counterpart of Paul Ryan) Scott Walker likes to babble about was only "half true" because the plant closed but he got the date wrong…give me a fucking break, politifact.

  16. Callyson

    Oh, and about that "recession next year" bit? Those same experts will tell you that this can be avoided if Congress would get its shit together and deal with the tax cut issue, rather than drag things on and on and on…which the Reeps won't do because they are focused like a laser on destroying Obama.


  17. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Mitt Romney made money the old-fashioned way! He used his dad’s connections to get a great education then went into business with people who knew his famous, powerful father!

    Well, that really is old-fashioned, innit? As in, 19th Century Amercia.

  18. Callyson

    OK, as much as I can't stand Lyin' Paul Ryan, I can see why Mittens picked him over this guy…could Portman contain any more hot air than that which he is currently spewing?

  19. SayItWithWookies

    Geeze, Portman — our China policy hasn't changed in any significant way regardless of who's president. Pretending you're gonna get tough (in some unnamed way) with China is recycled pap from every single Republican convention I can remember. Also, China's buying our bonds because they'd rather invest in the US at virtually zero interest than anywhere else.

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Yes, not to mention Dubya and the GOP pretty much gave China carte blanche to begin buying our debt up in significant amounts to finance his tax cuts for the rich, two wars, medicare part d (all voted for by 'fiscal hawk' Paul Ryan). I think it's funny how these assholes work this one, on the one hand China is evil and we need to get tough with them using our current Republican-led political batshittery to try and knock the dollar off as global reserve currency while at the same time we need to emulate their approach to the work force: no unions, ridiculously low wages, laughable non-existent environmental policies, etc. They want all the 'perks' of Communist dictatorships with none of the ambition.

  20. whiskeybaby

    I really, really hope this whole "You built that" disingenuous lie bullshit they've constructed their entire convention around blows up in their collective faces soon. But they're Republicans, so they probably enjoy things blowing up in their faces.

    That's the only dick joke I've got right now. Off to get some more wine!

    1. shelwood46

      They're selling t-shirts on the You built that" theme, with a ginned up version of Romney's quote about famous businessmen who built their businesses all by themselves. Romney originally mention Steve Jobs, Henry Ford, Ray Kroc, Bill Gates and Papa John. The shirt leaves off the last two, no doubt because they are alive. Jobs, of course, was a co-founder, and not originator, of Apple. Kroc bought his first few restaurants from some obscure brothers named, um, MacDonald. And I'm not sure I'd want to tie myself to Henry Ford's politics, but I'm not a Republican.

      1. TheMightyHaltor

        And all of them "built that" when tax rates were a hell of a lot higher than they are now. What's their point?

  21. Self-Uploader

    You know who else never lost his dream. MY father you stupid fuck. And he went to CUNY which had FREE tuition and then he went into the army and went to optometry school on the GI Bill. AND THEN HE BUILT HIS BUSINESS WITHOUT EVER ONCE FORGETTING WHAT MADE IT POSSIBLE and he loved this country.

  22. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, uncertainty — that horrible bugbear that haunts us all and stalks the future, taking away the brass-balls entrepreneurial spirit of Americans — because they're scared shitless unless they have the path cleared for them by their rich friends. What sissies these businesspeople are.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      The biggest uncertainty is not knowing what the gummint will be spending, not whether their personal income taxes will ratchet up 2 or 3% … and they just shut off their brains rather than think for ten seconds about which party is to blame for it.

      1. bobbert

        Exactly. Genuine entrepreneurs want UN-certainty. It's what gives them a fucking chance against the established players.

    2. reliefsinn

      Oh, I thought Mitt started a business with nothing but a credit card and his own savings, or perhaps he had some leftover Rambler stock sitting around. \
      OHNO! Not CondiRize!!

  23. Callyson

    Small business person going on about how they can't work hard and not be compensated–they can't be robbed like that. Now this guy knows how the middle class has felt for the past 30+ years…

  24. JackObin

    I wonder what kind of inaugural parties will be thrown when Git wins the election? Will drinking be allowed? Or will everyone be making babies, according to the mormon way?

    1. shelwood46

      He's bringing back Prohibition, and women having sex outside of marriage will be stoned. It's in the platform, near the bottom, in fine print.

  25. Texan_Bulldog

    I can't watch that shit but am glad you guys are taking one for the team. It pisses me off how blatantly all these assholes are lying & the media NEVER questions them about it. I'm a bit skeered for Barry in November. Maybe the rapture will happen between now & then but the stupid is rampant.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I was skeered for Barry this time in '08, too. I was prepared to use that to be optimistic today, then I read that Montanans are getting ready to replace Jon Tester with a millionaire who votes against veterans' benefits. That gives me a big sad.

    2. Nothingisamiss

      I'm with ya, Texan. I can't watch the stupid and I'm scared that voter suppression will lose us the whole shebang.

    3. No_Wire_Hangers

      Watching this is good for me because it's time I got my ass over to the phonebank. I've been putting off my volunteering, but it's time to start calling those undecided fucks in Nevada.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I hope his competitors are in Singapore … wait 'till he finds out what they get with their tax dollars.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        And $2 million in government contracts. I wonder if he knows those will disappear under President Mittens?

    2. pdiddycornchips

      Socialism=free health care. Free = no one has to pay, duh. We can't have that here though because it would ruin our freedom

      1. C_R_Trogloraptor

        Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh Romney Winnipesaukee wgah'nagl fhtagn.

        ("In his house at Winnipesaukee dead Romney waits dreaming.")

          1. C_R_Trogloraptor

            It's a lost art, as most of the speakers get Eaten. But I think it's worth the effort.

      1. Bezoar

        Really? Palin gonna speak? This has a lot of potential for inintended consequences. It could backfire, too.

  26. TribecaMike

    Thank the gods for that big podium, cuz whoever designed those codpieces must have been on shrooms.

    Btw, Jan Brewer just now talking about Paul Ryan: "He's young and generelious."

  27. IonaTrailer

    The interview with Ryan'brother is pretty bizarre. Alzheimer's, Reagan, dead father, babysittiing where kids watched a movie (Naked Gladiators?)
    SO, now that we understand why he's qualified it's all settled!

  28. Misty Malarky

    Coca Cola and cheap lemon vodka is the drink of choice at the Malarky Manse tonight.

    Hey Condaleeza!

    Show us yer tits!


  29. TribecaMike

    It's obvious Jan Brewer really needs to stop hanging with Towelie. On MSNBC she just said about Reagan, "He gave amnesty, and unfortunately that didn't happen." Huh?

  30. iTuna

    Watching the RNC, I am struck by how poorly the delegates represent this country. The people in this crowd don't look like the America I live in. They look like the drive through line at a Little Caesar's, maybe, but not this country.

  31. Callyson

    Yada yada yada free the job creators yada yada small business owners yada yada.

    How I wish that just one reporter would ask some of these assholes what they think of Paul Ryan's tax plan. You know, the one that would raise my taxes, and the taxes of the middle class, while cutting them for the rich?

  32. littlebigdaddy

    Is Portman dyslexic? He does not seem to understand how the English language works. It is funny that these idjits are pushing for English as the official language. I can speak several languages better than he can speak English.

    1. miss_grundy

      Both of my dogs, may they rest in peace, understood English and Spanish better than these poopheads supposedly understand English because they only seem to be able to speak in word salad.

  33. Biff

    9:08 PM – Uh, so, what’d you have for dinner? Was it good?

    Bacon, naan and a salad, was good, but I lost it when Jan Brewer took over my TeeVee.

  34. Callyson

    It's hard to say what his worst mistake was…

    Um, I'd say it was taking the idea that the Reeps would be more interested in promoting the greater national good than making short term political gains at Obama's expense was his worst mistake…


  35. BathroomGoblin

    The president takes more vacations that 1/3rd of the bush vacations, HAR HAR HAR – Tpaw

  36. Guppy

    Gee, with such a rapier and unpredictable wit, it's hard to see why T-Paw bombed in the primary.

    (Time for a shower!)

    1. miss_grundy

      Didn't W take a vacation once a month for a week, so he could ride a horse or clear prairie grass or something.

      According to, Pres. Obama took 26 days during his first year as president. Reagan and the two Bushes all took a heck of a lot more.

    1. Designer_Rants

      Oh, but wait 'til you're older and unfunny and no one likes you. Like T-Paw. Then you'll look at your tattoo and sneer at yourself and punch-break the mirror and then fall in a heap on the bathroom floor, crying. Because you're like T-Paw now.

  37. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, a tattoo metaphor — from an older parent's perspective. That's gonna win over the younger demographic, because voters just voted for President Obama because they thought he was cool.

  38. SayItWithWookies

    "Just get the government off my back" — yeah, like that Papa John's guy who's gonna have to pay for healthcare for his employees by charging an extra dime for each pizza. How can we survive this crushing burden? We should help Americans by letting them die of cancer instead.

    1. bikerlaureate

      Self-driving cars and robot pizzaRoombas won't cost more to develop than a dime per pizza, will they?

  39. Callyson

    LAUGHTER at the comment that Mitt Romney is a great person. OK, which of you Wonketters infiltrated?

  40. Callyson

    We need Mitt Romney now more than ever


    Pawlenty stands there, looking for a reaction…


    1. bobbert

      How fucking stupid can you get? "Now more than ever" was a re-election motto.

      Otherwise it doesn't even make sense to Repubicans.

    1. bobbert

      Unlike T-Paw, who worked as a lawyer (y'know, like that blah guy) and then a veep of something for a whole six years before latching onto the gummit tit.

  41. Callyson

    Oh God, back to this food stamps business…yeah, it's a really bad thing to help people who were impacted by the 2008 economic implosion get something to eat. Let's let them starve instead.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Part of me wants to see how Victoria Jackson would fit one of those gallon hats over her mutant-giant hairbowtie. A wee, sick sad part of me, mind you.

  42. IonaTrailer

    "Romeny has been faithful to his lovely wife…"
    Subtext? Not like that blah gigolo in the White House

    1. bobbert

      Actually, I think it's "Not like that Clinton guy". They can still get a little mileage out of Bubba-hate.

  43. Callyson

    Um, Huck, you do know that Mitt Romney's was 47th among the 50 governors in job creation, right?

  44. Callyson

    Yes, Governor, going to college is a great way to learn that you can go far in life when you go to college. Wouldn't it be nice if people in your party would quit making more and more cuts in education?

  45. SayItWithWookies

    Huck just said President Obama claims to be an evangelical Christian — that's news to me. But then again, most of Huck's reality would come as news to me. Also, he looks like Herbert Hoover.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Evangelical is a meaningless term without context. The mainstream body of Lutheranism in this country is the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (the product of a 3 way merger in the 80s), but I don't think anyone really views Lutherans as Christian fundies. Every Christian who believes that the Good Word should be spread by the people can technically be called an evangelical – in that they believe in evangelizing.

      So technically true, but stupid. Plus, how has Obama not lived up to Christian teaching – by offering too much aid to the poor and middle class? Not something Huck really wants to get into, even as a cheap punchline about abortion and gay marriage.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Yeah, do they really want people singing

      "Someone's always playing corporation games? Who knows, they're always changing – corporation names?"

      1. bobbert

        Only the big things are temples. Small things are stakes or wards. (and yes, IIRC, "stake-house" is a thing).

  46. spareme

    I read Matt Taibbi's article today, that will be published by Rolling Stone on Sept 13. Not that there is anything super-surprising inside it, but it still was an eyeful. So…. fuck you Huck! And Mitt! and everyone else out there,who is supporting this Republican agenda, and who is lying through their teeth: you self-servicing assholes.

    1. miss_grundy

      No, just a grifter. Most of those fire and brimstone preachers are just grifters living off the sheep.

  47. Callyson

    No, we ought to give Obama credit for *achieving* the end of the economic implosion almost single handedly, after *your* party decided it preferred to destroy him rather than save the nation's economy, Huckabee…

  48. Guppy

    America is more than just a country, we're an idea. An idea about borders and language and skin color and religion and…

  49. IonaTrailer

    Huck busts out the Bono card. Good thing Bono can't vote here, because he'd be voting for da other guy.

  50. mosjef

    Is it an amazing replica? Or a real life talking turd? Next time in Tampa, don't miss Madame Tussaud's Ear Wax Museum.

  51. Callyson

    Those motherfuckers are NOT using Stevie Wonder's "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" song!?!

    That's what I get for not hitting the mute button quickly enough…

    1. BerkeleyBear

      You have to be shitting me. As in "Watergate doesn't bother me," and love for Gov. Wallace "Sweet Home Alabama?" Or the lame Kid Rock re-mix?

  52. Callyson

    You've got a lot of nerve to pimp 9.11 after ignoring "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in US" Condi…


  53. BathroomGoblin

    I remember ignoring that memo about Osama being determined to strike America, good times!

  54. Guppy

    And now former National Security Adviser Condoleeza Rice tells us of how surprised she was on 9/11.

    And this helps the GOP how?

  55. TribecaMike

    I hope this doesn't mean Condi won't be performing her distinctive piano stylings at the airport Hilton tonight. Her version of "Tangerine" is to die for, literally.

  56. SayItWithWookies

    Besides our eternal gratitude, Condi, we also owe them the promise to put your ass in jail alongside your colleagues who lied to get us into Iraq. What a horrible monster.

  57. Callyson

    Yeah, Condi, how about talking about the villagers in Afghanistan who were left behind when W rushed off to an unnecessary war in Iraq?

    Or the American soldiers who came back from there to get shamefully substandard care from Walter Reed?


  58. GlowneyHouse

    Cue Lee Ving…these people are gonna want to hear "Let's Have A War" at full volume real soon.

  59. MilwaukeeKent

    They volunteer and go over, and over, and over, and over again. Steve Earle has a thing for Condi, apparently, but like he said in a different song: "It's been a year now and he's still there, chasing ghosts in the hot dry air, meanwhile back at home the finance company took his car…" Look forward to Iran under Romney, whether we need to or not. He's surrounded by Neo-cons.

  60. Callyson

    "Peace really does come through strength"

    Too bad W pissed that away during his term by grossly overextending the military…


  61. TribecaMike

    So trade deals with China are good when your side makes them, but not when our side makes them?

  62. Guppy

    Trade treaty, trade treaty, trade treaty…

    We're not making it easy enough for Bain to export jerbz!

  63. Guppy

    "We have never believed that I am doing poorly because you are doing well."

    And your campaign contributors thank you for that.

  64. SayItWithWookies

    "We have never been jealous of one another and never been envious of each other's successes."

    And this woman worked under the president with more daddy issues than any other in American history.

  65. C_R_Trogloraptor

    They were careless people…
    they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made.

  66. Callyson

    A compassionate nation of immigrants

    I guess I should be impressed that her line got a *mixed* reaction, instead of straight up booing…

    Nah, not impressed.

  67. Callyson

    The crisis in education is a threat to who we are

    So, why not stop cutting educational funding then?

    1. miss_grundy

      Actually, we need students who want to learn and better parents who turn off the teevee and sit with the kids at the kitchen table so they will do their homework. That's what we need. Oh, and teach children how to tell time with an analog watch, that's something that middle schoolers can't seem to do in Livonia, Michigan…

  68. spareme

    Just when she finally said something I may agree with, she starts talking about Mitt and Paul. ARGH!

  69. Callyson

    "America has met and overcome hard challenges before"

    Yes, we are gradually recovering from the W administration…no thanks to the Reeps…

  70. BathroomGoblin

    Dr Ferragamo please pick up the white courtesy phone, Dr Ferragamo, white courtesy phone please.

  71. TribecaMike

    You mean the Jim Crow south that your conservative father told you to not buck against? The folks in that crowd can surely relate to that.

  72. Arborista

    JFC! How long can this go on? Isn't there a limit to the number of lies you can tell in one evening?

  73. Jukesgrrl

    I know a zillion people in Arizona who are tattooed from their faces down and if they vote at all, they vote Republican. But then Republicans never think before they speak. You'd think Grampy McCain would have told them. He courted the Sturgis vote, remember.

  74. belmontreport

    Good thing they choose the black lady to say that a majority of poor parents are minorities. Yes white people, applaud that. Great job.

    1. mayor_quimby

      It's maddening even for a straight like me. Don't they have MAC makeup in Palo Alto?
      It's called Lip Glass, bitch, get some. (thank you ex-girlfriends)
      Also, inevitable retroactively?
      What does that mean?

  75. Negropolis

    Condi, those fakes cheering you would be the same ones spitting on you and throwing rocks at you fifty years ago. The fakeness makes me vomit. Many of those in the audience were alive during segregation, and let me tell you, they weren't on your side. Sorry.

    1. miss_grundy

      So, nobody threw peanuts at her and said what they said about the blah CNN camera operator lady???????

  76. NellCote71

    I have not read through the comments, but can someone explain to me what "lead from behind" means. Although I welcome obnoxious sexual and/or scatological replies, would someone please tell me what this really means in Repug politik talk?

    1. Guppy

      "Leading from behind" means you don't use a visit to an aircraft carrier for a photo op in full flight gear.

    2. Xan

      It's a reference to Larry Niven's "Ringworld" series which featured a species, the Puppeteers, who were misogynistic cowards that were willing to go to any lengths, including destroying the galaxy, to protect their business interests. They called their leader "Hindmost."

      On second thought, that's probably not what they're thinking of, but it's been striking me as incredibly apt.

    3. Arborista

      Snark off, I believe it's motivational business empowerment bullshit about the need to be way ahead of everyone else to see what the 'pack' can't see. As in, "if you ain't the lead dog, the view never changes".

  77. SayItWithWookies

    Oh yes — a little black girl from Birmingham who couldn't even order a hamburger at the Woolworth's lunch counter became secretary of state. Because of our entrepreneurial spirit? No — because Kennedy and Johnson put their bootheels on the necks of the racist segregationist Southern governors and wouldn't let up until they started — started — to treat blacks equally.

    1. Negropolis

      Thank you. Government got it done, and we remember that. If we'd have waited for society to come around, we might still be in that ugly place, today.

    2. C_R_Trogloraptor

      Knowing all the while that they would lose the South to the Republican for a generation. Doing it anyway because it was Right.

    3. spareme

      No – because her parents had enough sense to get her the hell out of here. Birmingham is her home, but she got out. Good for her. Now, she is the first woman to be admitted into Shoal Creek Country Club – an all white bastion of some of the biggest assholes around here.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Damn, now that you mention it, and I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I could be like Condi. And get the hell out of here. I don't want to have to sell my soul afterwards, but still, the leaving sounds amazing.

        1. spareme

          Hell, I came here after it happened, and for some strange reason I didn't accept what this was all about – mainly because my father, born and raised here, and I was taught that people here were NOT about all this., And, there are large number of us like that. It's getting better, baby step at a time.
          I don't want to get out. It is my home, I am vested into Birmingham, I love Birmingham.. I am glad she seems to love it too. Great people here, for the most part.

          I cannot address her other issues though.

          1. Geminisunmars

            I am enough of a sap to believe that love can change things (with the help of some other things), so keep putting that love out there, and good luck to you.

          2. FakaktaSouth

            I grew up in Birmingham (Hoorah for Homewood!) and I did not hate it, I actually loved it, and knew plenty of smart people who were very cool. I did not grow up with rabid redneck racists and I did not know how bad it could really be here til I moved to Tuscaloosa. WHOLE DIFFERENT deal here. I'd just like to ever live anywhere else before I die.

          3. FakaktaSouth

            It's not as humid underwater as it is here. I just gotta get a plan for the how of it all and I'm OUT, trust me.

          4. spareme

            I've lived in Homewood for over 30 years, its a great place to be – a great mix of people. I didn't grow up with the rabid ones either, so coming down here was a huge shock – although, that does not include Homewood. Since I went to college in Tuscaloosa, I did see that, but preferred to laugh that those people, not embrace them. It was a whole different deal. My son literally could not tolerate being in school there, and we send him to another college, where he prospered. I had a blast down there – but I certainly could not make it my home.

          5. FakaktaSouth

            I still love Homewood, went to the fantastic Homewood public schools (lets hear it for property taxes!) have a lot of pride about the place still, and being stuck here now was the worst thing I have ever done. Like I say, I'm scratching and clawing to get the heck out. I liked going to school here too, but it wasn't really "my" kind of place, I would have been happier at a different school, but at 18 I was happy anywhere I was "on my own." (totally financed by the parents) LIve and learn, live and learn.

          6. spareme

            Homewood public school system was a real Godsend, since my son has a full blown case of Aspberger,s and the first they had to deal with – they bent over backwards, for which I will be eteranally grateful. I gotta tell you that we spend as much time in Bham as we do here – we are at Lakeview just about every night, hanging with the greatest people here. I so do love this place.

    4. obfuscator2

      logic would kind of dictate that if you can become secretary of state, shouldn't you eventually realize that it's kind of fucked up that you were denied a goddamn fucking hamburger as a child because of the color of your fucking skin?

  78. sudsmckenzie

    … and thats the last Blah person these people will acknowledge until they tip the sky cap at the airport.

      1. spareme

        She is balls on about her statement about eating at Woolsworth. We all remember that – all of us that are oldz.

  79. MilwaukeeKent

    PBS, feed or local, just f'd up in middle of Condi's, um, climax, snapped back to wild cheers, and fell to dead air. for ten seconds. Now the minority minutes resume with Martinez, sounded like she got boos from some quarters for slipping in a little Spanish. English only, Tacos are folded meat products! Great cheers for the .357 Magnum.

  80. TribecaMike

    Obviously, the word went out not to boo the latinas tonight, especially the ones who are packing.

  81. smokefilledroommate

    Hey honey, the only reason they have you up there is 'cause you're brown. You'd probably have to pull your .357 to get into their country clubs– and they'd obliterate you before they knew who you were.

    1. miss_grundy

      They would point out to her that the help goes in through the side door or the back door and to not be so uppity as to think she can mix with the white people.

  82. Negropolis

    "Todos es possible". Oh god. Yes, even a homophobic Latina from a bordertown who sells her soul to the tea party can be a governor.

  83. Callyson

    You know, if the Reeps ever *did* have anything with this "we built it" lie/line, they are about to drive it to the ground and render it meaningless by constantly trotting it out…

  84. Guppy

    "I was called to testify against my boss. I could have backed down…"

    I'm thinking she never learned what a summons is in law school…

  85. Callyson

    Does this mean Ryan is going to get less than 40 minutes to talk? Or are they going to go into overtime? Because if they do the latter, I'm switching to something more intellectually stimulating…a rerun of Gossip Girl…

  86. TribecaMike

    "My parents were wonderful people, and they were Democrats. Oh, and by the way, Democrats are evil!"

    Paging Doctor Freud. Doctor Freud wanted on line one.

  87. SayItWithWookies

    "Too many people are out of work — and our debt is out of control." Okay, Governor Martinez — pick one of those and solve it.

    And enough of this turning your state's deficit into a surplus bullshit — without Federal money it wouldn't have happened.

  88. Wadisay

    I'll be damned, we're Republicans!"

    Possibly the money quote of the convention. You'll all be damned.

  89. Callyson

    Wait–I'm seeing two messages: "we built it" and "we can change it." Doesn't the second one imply that they screwed up the first one?

  90. MilwaukeeKent

    She succeeded in saying "Exito" without having anyone leave. Maybe the GOP is making progress with Hispanics. Oh, Ryan! Time to watch for puddles in chairs…

  91. SayItWithWookies

    Oh look, it's Paul Ryan. You know how Huckabee was joking about President Obama never having a real job? Well this guy started out working for John Boehner and then won a seat in Congress himself. Whole career right there.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        His job is easy. He just has to do whatever Jan Brewer's puppet masters tell him to do. They even make him the sponsor of bills he's never heard of.

  92. Callyson

    Who was that guy in the boxes who looked irritated when Ryan accepted the VP nomination? Sure looked like Marco Rubio…

  93. Guppy

    Opportunity for the young, security for the old, and denying the fact that the former will eventually become the latter.

  94. catholic4condom

    Hey Susanna Martinez, this is Uhmerica guess what language we speak here?

    I love how .350 Smith and Wesson got a standing ovation

  95. bumfug

    Watching NBC, Tom Brokaw losing it – "Ryan's 42, that means when he was born Reagan was in second year of his presidency." New math?

  96. Arborista

    Mitt's whole life has been preparing him for this moment!

    It's all downhill from this point on…

  97. Callyson

    THIS is rich…Ryan wants to go on about attack ads? Does this mean he'll be disavowing the right wing superpacs now? Looking forward to *that* speech…

  98. Guppy

    America doesn’t need a runaround, it needs a turnaround! Or a Roundabout

    Dammit, America needs a reacharound!

    1. bobbert

      Paul Ryan do.

      EDIT: I'm pretty sure this was supposed to be a reply to a different comment. If I'm this drunk, why am I not enjoying it more?

  99. TribecaMike

    Ryan looks like a third-string quarterback who retired with injuries before he got a chance to prove himself on the gridiron.

  100. gullywompr

    So a congressman only has a two year term, right? That means Ryan's congressional term is up this election, right? He's not going to be Vice President, so is he simultaneously running for his Congressional seat in Wisconsin? Is his name on the ballot twice in Wisconsin?

  101. catholic4condom

    Condi said she feared follow-on attacks in September 2001? What was she thinking? Al-Qaida is the USSR starting WWIII?

    Condi built a pile of rubble that was Iraq. I destroyed this!

    1. Xan

      I'm amazed anyone can listen to him. I'm following just by reading the comments, because if I turn on the tube I'll throw something through it and I can't afford a new one.

    2. reliefsinn

      Did he just say he wanted to "live up to their trust" – talking about his hometown?
      Can someone translate that into Engleesh, pleeze?

  102. Callyson

    That one Ryan boy ran the fuck out of the box when the cameras pointed his way. Can't blame the poor kid…

  103. TribecaMike

    Don't any of these schmucks have parents who are still living? Catholicism will do that to ya.

  104. ttommyunger

    Think they'll mention the two wars tonight? Right after their glowing tribute to George W. Bush, right?

  105. iburl

    SHIT, I missed why Scott Walker had a big ol Bohner-style tear streak.

    Was Ryan talking about Wisconsin Cheese?

    Somebody tell me this weaknessssss.

    1. bobbert

      Did the lying fuck use that comprehensively debunked lie AGAIN?

      They're convinced their base will vote against the black guy, no matter how delusional they get, aren't they?

    1. mayor_quimby

      Yes, he blames the Bush auto bailout he voted for for the plant closure that happened after Bush left office. Therefore, Obama's fault.

  106. Callyson

    "Without a change in leadership, why would the next four years be any different than the last four years?"

    1. Obama now knows better than to hope for bipartisan cooperation and will no longer pursue it with Reeps who care more about getting elected than serving the nation.

    2. The American people see through the Reeps, whose approval ratings are in the tank…

    1. Jukesgrrl

      If it was cronyism, how come Republicans got so much of the money? The tea-bagging Congressional candidate in my district had his campaign funded by a daddy whose construction company is operating on stimulus money. How's that for irony?

  107. Callyson

    You would think the president would make job creation the first order of business

    Yeah, well, you would think the Congress that promised to focus like a laser on that task would do *something* about it…

    1. bobbert

      I am so sick of that shit. I've read the fucking bill. Admittedly I skimmed the bits dealing with changes to Native American health care, but the "2000" pages of legislative format is about 750 pages as a hardback book, and there have been more than 750 days since it passed. A page a day isn't that much of a challenge.

      1. reliefsinn

        Ditto. That's about as long as one of the later Harry Potter books. I seem to recall kids as young as 6 or 7 standing in line to get one, and people on blogs stating that they had read it in as little as 12 hours.
        Shows you how weak that "party" is, but you know what they say about people who keep repeating the same things over and over.

  108. obfuscator2

    "booooooo! a law ensuring jobless people during a recession won't die in the street! boooooo!!!"

  109. rocktonsam

    I hope he talks about how Janesville Craig H.S. hated Beloit Memorial HS because Beloit's teams were all black

  110. Serfville

    The Permanent Scowl Ryan is now taking Health Care away from sick poor people! Good one, Nazi jack off

  111. Guppy

    Socialized medicine has no place in a free country! Tomorrow night, the GOP announces their plans to liberate Canada and the UK.

  112. Auntie_Spinster

    What are those weird self-satisfied grunts Ryan exudes? The sound of him digesting the poor folks he ate for dinner?

  113. bumfug

    Can't believe this lying-ass bowl of fuck brought up the GM plant that closed before Obama was president. #FuckYouRyan #GreasyLittleBastard

    1. Mumbletypeg

      The only film I ever saw him in was a b-grade flick on a Sunday sub-classic tv broadcast wherein he gets punched in the back of a moving car by an adult, until unconscious.
      It hurt to watch that as a kid, but here his doppelganger ought to make an ideal substitute just fine!

  114. SayItWithWookies

    Oh no — President Obama cut money from Medicare (middlemen). It's like he stole it right out of the mouths of the people Paul Ryan wants to use that savings to give the rich a tax cut to.

      1. bikerlaureate

        The stereotypical faults of Big Gubmint must be protected from the commie President who wants to correct the stereotypical faults of Big Gubmint.

  115. Negropolis

    Okay, I'm going to have to turn the channel, I will not abide with this Medicare lie. This is a bridge way, way, WAY too far.

  116. Callyson

    "an entitlement we didn't ask for"

    Um, no, actually, HCR was a big hit on the 2008 campaign trail, and it did not lose appeal until your side started spreading lies about it. And to this day, when asked about the actual provisions of Obamacare, a majority of Americans support it still…

  117. obfuscator2

    "you've got alzheimer's? here's your voucher. good luck shopping for the best plan. better staple the voucher to your arm so you don't forget where you put it."

  118. Callyson

    You bet we'll win this debate…I can't wait until Obama exposes Mittens for the two faced phony he is…

  119. No_Wire_Hangers

    OH I SEE. They can still demonize Big Government if they pretend that Medicare is being destroyed by democrats. You WANT to talk about privatizing Medicare? Please do, but you've gotta tell the truth this time you little weasley fuck.

  120. coolhandnuke

    I like that 3M Command Strip land mine ad, that has popped me like 300 times already, more than I like Paul Ryan.

    1. Serfville

      I'd like to smack him upside his widows peak. He eats kittens for Brunch. Oh, & he takes health care and food away from poor sick children & elders

    1. bobbert

      Because he can speak in complete sentences, Ryan comes across pretty well when he's allowed to lie uninterruptedly. We'll see how it goes when rebuttal happens.

  121. Negropolis

    Assumed resonsibility for a Congress who's stated mission is to fuck him whenever they get the chance?


    and if by some off chance he ever does take responsibility for you shitting on him, he will have lost my vote.

  122. Callyson

    Yes, it *is* time for the Reeps to assume responsibility, Ryan…not holding my breath on that one…

    OK, my dog is giving me the pleading eyes, and my temper can take no more of Ryan's shifting blame from the obstructionists in his party. BBL…

  123. MilwaukeeKent

    Sorry, Ryan, people never forgot that Hoover saw the onset of the Great Depression. We'll stop blaming Bush when his two wars, massive deficit, and Great Recession are things of the past, not until.

  124. No_Wire_Hangers

    …"solve this nations economic problems by gutting every social program there is and cutting Mittens taxes…"

  125. SayItWithWookies

    "We need to stop spending money we don't have." Right after all his bullshit about how we need to be creating jobs. Guess what, asshole — all the economic recoveries in modern times have been based on the federal government spending money to employ people because industry can't or won't. But you probably know that already, and are just lying about it right now, right?

  126. No_Wire_Hangers