ARE YOU READY TO HEAR PEOPLE REFERENCE BUILDING THAT OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN??? I’m sure you are.
Tonight, we have Rand Paul, who the RNC mistakenly identified as Ron Paul, and Jeb Bush, the only Bush allowed at the convention, and Marco Rubio, who is Cuban and therefore better than Democratic minorities, and of course P90X dreamboat Paul Ryan, who is neither Ron Paul or Rand Paul but will Fifty Shades of Grey the fuck out of you if you agree to take a Medicare voucher.
Drop your drawers, because it’s RNC night two: PANTSLESS PROSPERITY! Complete stupid schedule here.
There are Olympians tonight, too. Presumably ones who built that. Without coaches.
8:42 PM – Let’s get this started!
8:42 PM – Some lady on the floor is interviewing an immigrant (LEGAL) who learned how to quote Ronald Reagan just as good as a native-born ‘Murkan. I’m not sure why else he’s there, but he would die for Ronald Reagan. Or a lock of his hair.
8:43 PM – Boring man named “Tad True” (obvious pseudonym) talking about the Keystone Pipeline.
8:47 PM – Tad True still talking about how he’s hoping Obama will let the True Children ride the Keystone Pipeline on family vacations.
8:49 PM – Lady at the convention who owns a small business (OF COURSE) is blaming Obama for businesses not lending her money, as opposed to the massive economic meltdown in 2008 that’s tightened credit for everyone, because SHE BUILT THAT WOOOOOOOOO
8:51 PM – Some douche in a vest and very nearly hipster glasses is rubbing his newly trimmed beard all over a mic and calling it music.
8:54 PM – The proliferation of shitty music is really making me wonder how there aren’t enough Republicans in a nation of 310 million people to avoid having to listen to this.
8:57 PM – Same musical interlude. Starting to have a creeping realization that life is short and I have spent many precious minutes of it listening to glorified hold music on my TV.
8:59 PM – Rob Portmania begins. And electrifies the screen so much my TV goes out. Or I turned it off.
9:00 PM – Mitt Romney made money the old-fashioned way! He used his dad’s connections to get a great education then went into business with people who knew his famous, powerful father!
9:04 PM – Rob Portman is on the hunt for Obama’s economic plan, which is right alongside his real birth certificate!
9:05 PM – This speech is a collection of terrible, repetitive things from a Hot Air comments section. The crowd is cheering.
9:08 PM – Uh, so, what’d you have for dinner? Was it good?
9:10 PM – Rob Portman plays Obama in Romney’s debate prep. Because he is a highly charismatic black man.
9:14 PM – Private sector entrepreneurs built that! But they need stronger patent laws and enforcement on the part of the government. BUT NO NEW REGULATIONS.
9:17 PM – The governor of a territory with no electoral votes is imploring “us” to vote for Mitt Romney. Because…fuck it, he built that?
9:22 PM – In case you’re wondering why you aren’t hearing about Puerto Rico’s overwhelming booming economy, it’s because unemployment there is 13.7%.
9:24 PM – OH GOODY MORE GOP MUSIC
9:28 PM – Turning to MSNBC, where Rachel Maddow is sexing my brain. Then to Fox, where Sean Hannity is sexing Marco Rubio.
9:29 PM – Tim Pawlenty calls this Obama’s retirement party, but he wasn’t invited, so that’s a dick move.
9:30 PM – Pawlenty talks shit about Joe Biden; Joe Biden writes his name down on the enemies list.
9:31 PM – Pawlenty mocks the idea of world events having anything to do with the economy.
9:32 PM – From our editrix: “Tim Pawlenty is so invisible I didn’t know who he was.” It’s true!
9:34 PM – Is there anyone in America who gives a flying fuck about any speaker’s family?
9:35 PM – Pawlenty’s speech would be ten minutes shorter if he didn’t wait for applause that wasn’t coming.
9:36 PM – Pawlenty calls Romney “the help”, which means Romney’s shitting in a pie as we speak.
9:38 PM – If Obama doesn’t take a private sector job after he’s out of office, Tim Pawlenty will follow him around screaming at him until he dies.
9:40 PM – Mike Huckabee with the “Debbie Wasserman-Schulz is a giant screechy bitch” line out of nowhere. DRINK!
9:45 PM – The Constitution was perfect, then the Founding Fathers made it PERFECTER.
9:47 PM – Huckabee wants to tell you about Uncle Sugar touching you.
9:49 PM – Barack Obama is limboing against Catholics, because he’s Hermes Conrad.
9:50 PM – Barack Obama will kill babies after they’re born; Mitt Romney will give an unspecified amount of money to his church. Think about that.
9:52 PM – Bono shoutout! Obama would kill him after he was born, too.
9:55 PM – Condi Rice gets the biggest ovation of the evening, presumably because the delegates have no peanuts to throw at her.
9:56 PM – Condi brings up 9/11, which Barack Obama something something.
9:59 PM – Audience is getting restless, WHAT DID CONDI BUILD, DAMMIT?
10:oo PM – After five minutes, Condi says you cannot lead from behind, which would be news to every top in America.
10:02 PM – Is there something magical and amazing about the number of trade agreements you sign?
10:05 PM – It does not matter where you came from, so please vote for this American aristocrat!
10:06 PM – I get what Jack Donaghy sees in this lady.
10:13 PM – Condi Rice is giving the best speech of the convention because it’s absolutely nothing like any other speech at the convention.
10:17 PM – Susana Martinez is on. She is Hispanic. She is female. Her parents did things. Oh, and she carried a Magnum as a teenager.
10:18 PM – So, this is what it takes for the GOP to cheer a minority with a firearm.
10:21 PM – Martinez tells a really cute story about talking to people and then she was a Republican? I don’t know, everyone is cheering.
10:22 PM – Did you know that there is not a single deficit left in America EXCEPT OBAMA’S???
10:24 PM – Politifact needs to check this Susana Martinez, Grocery Store Hero story.
10:27 PM – It’s Paul Ryan! Time for my lotion! Did he just fuck up his first line?
10:28 PM – America doesn’t need a runaround, it needs a turnaround! Or a Roundabout. Paid for by Medicare.
10:30 PM – One of Paul Ryan’s kids just straight dashed out, I think.
10:33 PM – Did you know poor people exist and have legitimate concerns? Well, they do until November 7th, hahahahaha!
10:36 PM – Paul Ryan proposes a massive single-file line of the unemployed.
10:37 PM – No free country can survive with government health insurance except all of the other ones but us!
10:39 PM – Ryan has been lying for about five minutes straight right now, so it’s time to take a break by going back to his grandmother.
10:40 PM – The RNC is cheering for Medicare, but against Obamacare, because anyone under 65 is a fucking punk.
10:42 PM – For some reason, these people LOVED the “ship sailing on yesterday’s wind” line.
10:44 PM – This crowd is on fire for a bunch of incoherent, contradictory and plain wrong attacks, because they all end with someone flipping off Obama.
10:45 PM – Paul Ryan warns we will turn into Greece, minus the Euro and the EU and everything else that actually made them go bankrupt.
10:47 PM – Honest things Paul Ryan said during this speech: that his name is Paul Ryan.
10:51 PM – PAUL RYAN WILL P90X THIS NATION.
10:55 PM – Paul Ryan is one of them college boys, hmmmm?
10:56 PM – Obama is responsible for you being lazy. For you not working out. Apparently, for Mitt Romney’s shitty iPod playlists.
10:58 PM – Paul Ryan is young and listens to 70s rock!
11:00 PM – Paul Ryan says the strong should protect the weak, so let’s get rid of preexisting coverage and stuff.
11:01 PM – We have a right to choose our own leaders, unless we don’t have IDs, then we are sad and watch Netflix.
11:03 PM – LET’S DO THIS, SON! And by “this”, I mean watch Honey Boo Boo on DVR.