Emergency Cartoon Violence: Dick Morris Has Some Terrible/Hilarious Cartoons On His Website

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Haha, remember when your Comics Curmudgeon used to literally read every single political cartoon barfed out by America’s political cartooning class, every week, and then make fun of them all for your amusement? Your Comics Curmudgeon remembers this, though the details are fuzzy and mostly he just thinks of it as the “dark time.” He thought he had left that life behind him, but then Buzzfeed deputy tech editor and noted collector of Internet insanity John Herrman alerted him to the fact that DickMorris.com seeks to offer insightful political cartoons to those who have wandered over looking for Dick Morris-related content (toe porn). The cartoons are pretty great! No, wait, did we say “great,” we meant terrible. No, we can’t decide! Like this one:

The way the handle protrudes three-dimensionally from a flat surface is freaking us out

Look at each individual droplet of secrets, lovingly hand-drawn and yet eerily similar to all the others, dribbling out of that misshapen … pitcher … thing. There are more, after the jump!

These comics are on a page of Dick Morris’s website billed as Cartoons By Clayton Liotta @DickMorris.Com, where they are described as “a combination of Dick’s sense of the absurd and Clayton Liotta’s skilled cartoonist’s hand.” Does this mean the “jokes” are Dick Morris’s? We will never know, because lord knows we won’t ask them, it’s too terrifying.

Is the non-Obama dude puking?

This cartoon nicely captures the gap between the whole oeuvre’s aspirations and capabilities by using the canonical New Yorker cartoon font for the caption but then misspelling Angela Merkel’s name. It also puts labels on everything because of course that is how a political cartoon works. That stimulus spending sure was pointy!

heh heh big package

Mr. Liotta mostly works in the greyscale shades of a #2 pencil, which makes the occasional intrusion of color into the cartoons all the more striking, like the scene of the girl in the red coat in Schindler’s List. What is in the larger package the Republicans offer to the American Woman? Is it the assurance that her rape-baby will be well cared for until the moment it pass through her cervix? Or is the “package” just meant to imply that Republicans have bigger dicks? Yes, probably.

What's wrong with its face WHAT'S WRONG WITH ITS FACE

Is that … is that a kangaroo? An enormous, obese kangaroo? We would not have thought to depict high gas prices as a terrifying kangaroo-demon, because we are mere critics rather than true artists.

anti-semitic

Why won’t Nobama allow job creators to enjoy the profits they’ve justly earned from the labor of thousands of Hebrew slaves?

Anyway, there are about a zillion of these so you should click over here and read them all repeatedly. Keep scrolling through and you’ll eventually hit the ones from the Republican primary season. Turns out Mr. Liotta was a Santorum supporter, we think? Or maybe Perry?

Yes, when I picture GOP presidential candidates, I visualize shoeless urchins

In conclusion, we would like to point out that there was a time when Dick Morris was one of the most influential advisors to the President of the United States, and now he’s a guy who has these cartoons on his website. The lesson is probably that you should find a partner who shares your sexual preferences or at least indulges them rather than hiring prostitutes. Toe sucking isn’t even really that weird, honestly. [DickMorris.com]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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161 comments

  1. NorthStarSpanx

    Look at all that legitimate sperm making its way down that cracked cup looking to conceive life forcefully.

  2. bumfug

    What do you bet the handle on the sweaty pitcher in the first cartoon is supposed to represent Obama's ear? Didn't see that didya? That's 'cause it wasn't labelled!

  3. second_gen

    Why is that monkey offering a tiny gift to Rapunzel?

    Oh, haha! That's Obama! What a clever play by DICK.

  4. Weenus299

    That "Kangaroo" nose looks like it has a bra on it. And I guess the thing with the big ears melted into his head is Nobama.

  5. BloviateMe

    Add some paint by number color to these, and they are eerily similar to John Wayne Gacy's artwork.

    Someone's crawlspace needs to be thoroughly searched.

  6. natoslug

    I shouldn't be so harsh — it takes a child's mind to come up with cartoons as poorly conceived and executed as those. And perhaps an incorrect number of chromosomes.

  7. HarryButtle

    As an unemployed illustrator, I'd just like to humbly say, "fuck." And then head for the garage to enjoy some sweet, sweet exhaust fumes.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      Wait! Before you do that, can I borrow your Ryobi Jigsaw. I need to find a way to unsee these.

    2. Geminisunmars

      Why don't you just contact Dick Morass and see if he needs another (better) illustrator? Oh, never mind, enjoy those fumes.

  8. Jus_Wonderin

    Having been an art teacher. Having had art training. Having to currently evaluate art in the gaming industry. Still I am not confident of my following critique. But…

    …me thinkz these suck azzz.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Jon Heder is a Mormon, so, presumably, in the tank for Rmoney.

      (Of course, also confirmed Mormon Ken Jennings is a noted Leftist. But I think that's from the nerd, not the LDS.)

      1. not that Dewey

        Dick Morris doesn't strike me as particularly "devout", except perhaps about toe-sucking and being a disingenuous hack. Not sure what angle they're working, here.

  9. Arborista

    The Dem offers Rapunzel the key to her locked tower, the GOP-er offers a transvaginal probe…

    1. SorosBot

      Nah; the pyramids were built by the Egyptian farmers, not slave labor as is commonly believed. Of course it was the Egyptian government that had them build, so failure once again.

      1. fuflans

        yes but by conflating egyptian building and burial practices (and throwing in a pinch of ottoman cruelty) i was hoping to create republican fan fiction.

        1. Chet Kincaid_

          The real question is, what kind of idiot thinks the building practices of an ancient monarchy are applicable to an argument about the public and private sector in the 21st century, even as a dumb-ass, sub-fan art cartoon?

      2. UnholyMoses

        Beat me to it!

        No way in hell it was built with all slaves. One, they wouldn't have had the skills (stone masons, etc.), nor would there have been enough troops to keep that many slaves in line. Add in the evidence that the workers were very well cared for and the whole "slaves built them!" story falls apart.

        But America?

        Yeah. Built by slaves.

    2. fishskicanoe

      Actually the pyramids were probably the biggest public works projects of their time. Government spending writ large. Hardly any slaves involved. Gave employment to thousands of skilled rock cutters and artisans. What did Dickie think, the pharaoh went down there and assembled them on his weekends off? You'd think he'd have known better from watching the History Channel, between ads for Hoverounds and earphones that let you hear the TV again.

  10. glamourdammerung

    Dick Morris is whining about leaks or that sucking prostitute's toes were not involved?

  11. Hammiepants

    The toy store one…seems to be lacking – a point? I don't think I eat enough fried foods and read the Bible enough to understand these…I am obvs not their target audience. Josh,I bet the "Pluggers" audience finds these a laff riot!

    1. viennawoods13

      I see it as distracted by shiny baubles while Santorum is focused on the important stuff. Not sure what qualifies as distractions and what is important to Dicky and Ricky, though.

      1. Hammiepants

        No doubt Santorum heard somebody might be having sex for enjoyment and not strictly procreation so he's off to find a phonebooth so he can change into a giant jimmyhat and hunt down the perps. He is, after all, a dickhead.

  12. Callyson

    Yeah, about the US and German boats headed to the iceberg…that's a good depiction of what happens to the economy when an excessive fear of stimulus leads to premature austerity, thus choking off the economic recovery.

    That is what that cartoon is about, right?

    1. Sharkey

      Me too. I added Cartoon Violence to the Wonkette Wikipedia (regular features section) cause I like(d) it so much – a true thing! Not long after I added it, it stopped. That's me, Mr. Golden Touch.

      1. punkneverdies

        If it wasn't for Cartoon Violence i would have never come across joshreads.com

        and Josh making fun of Pluggers panels is probably better than political cartoons.

    2. DemmeFatale

      I was SO excited to see this!
      But…these "cartoons" are not worthy of Josh's snarking abilities.

      (I had Matt Davies sign a cartoon for me, and we talked admiringly about you, Josh.)

    1. Boojum

      Expecting less from Dick "Dick" Morris is always a winning proposition. There is no line under which he cannot crawl.

  13. Callyson

    What is in the larger package the Republicans offer to the American Woman?

    A bill for the birth control that your health insurance won't cover if the Reeps come to power?

  14. pdiddycornchips

    "What is in the larger package the Republicans offer to the American Woman?"

    Tiffany whore diamonds designed to look like a giant Bayer Aspirin, obvs.

  15. SorosBot

    Considering that the stimulus is the only reason the economy hasn't completely tanked, and the German-enforced austerity is responsible for the disastrous crash of EU countries like Greece, Spain and Italy, this idiot is illustrating the opposite of reality.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    I have a hard time believe that Dick Morris is actually stupider than I give him credit for, even with this evidence in plain view. I mean, with that stimulus/Germany boat thing — does he just randomly combine symbols and then hope they make some sort of sense?

    You would think that even the cartoonist might say "Hey, Dick Morris, this suggestion of yours doesn't have any coherent relationship to reality," or something equally helpful. Then again, this cartoonist did render a boat as some sort of flat-bottomed misshapen neo-cubist hash with President Obama standing upright on its tilting floor, so yeah, he wouldn't've been much help, presumably.

    1. sullivanst

      Funny that you chose to critique the American boat. The German boat makes even less visual sense to me.

      Yeah, you just have to remember the cartoonist is a conservative, and then you'll understand why he did not question Dick Morris' nonsense.

  17. Callyson

    And no, they are not taking comments on Little Dick's website, so don't bother composing your art critiques…

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      Well, if I were Dicky "Toes" Morris or Clayton "I-can't-draw-hands-or-feet-or-anything-else" Liotta, I'd wouldn't want to be told how much I sucked, either.

  18. MacRaith

    A few minutes ago, I had no idea that Dick Morris had cartoons on his web site. Now I know that he has cartoons on his web site that I have no desire to ever see again. My life is enriched by this how, exactly?

  19. vodkamuppet

    The Egypt one has me confused. …They had help… Uh, yeah? Or not, maybe I guess? What the hell does this mean?

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Maybe that one of the most complex and far-reaching bureaucracies of its day, headed by a man who was thought to be a god with the power of life and death over all of his subjects, was actually a small business that didn't get any assistance from the federal government?

      Yeah, I'd have gone with Noah and his ark maybe as a better metaphor — although the pyramids actually existed (or in this case, at least two of the three).

    2. anniegetyerfun

      It means that there are people who actually don't understand how the pyramids were built. Like, in any capacity.

    3. sullivanst

      Your major confusion is caused by assuming that it actually means anything. The faithful will see it, think "Obama sucks", and that will be all. The entire conservative movement is built on meaningless symbolism, nothing they say even makes sense, let alone has factual basis. It's a purely Luntzian enterprise.

    1. not that Dewey

      Whatever it is, it appears to be making the middle-class taxpayer issue a stinky odor, as evidenced by all those squiggly lines.

  20. DerrickWildcat

    Morris is such a useless shit that he can only get face time with Hannity and O'Reilly. For some big time fun look up Morris' articles on Newsmax. Wonderful articles such as, "Joe the Plumber: winning strategy"

  21. kittensdontlie

    Dick Morris is always at the forefront of everything political. We need not look any further than CONDI VS. HILLARY(2005), his classic work that will shine brightly as a beacon of political knowledge for untold centuries to come.

  22. supernoun

    A genius of our times or THE genius of our times?

    I can't tell. I'll be staring at that evil-kangaroo-dragon-demon-chimera all afternoon.

    1. AnAmericanInTO

      If Going Galt means he's confined within Dick Morris' borders, then good luck and have at it.

  23. Generation[redacted]

    I was going to make a point on the political statements contained in said "cartoons" but really – I've seen better drawings by elephants.

  24. anniegetyerfun

    We agreed not to make fun of Special Needs kids, guys. I think that these "drawings" represent an earnest attempt by a "very special" little person to understand and enjoy politics! We should be encouraging!

  25. Toomush_Infer

    You just don't understand! – this is political primitivism at its finest – kind of like displaying a toilet with a wide stance at an art gallery….

  26. sullivanst

    So I love that there's no doubt the person with the big package with the red bow is Republican, because the other one's blah. But, why is the Republican not standing up straight?

  27. DHarcavy

    I have better, and surely more sophisticated, drawings from my preschool grandchildren on the door of my refrigerator.

  28. Warpde

    "What is in the larger package the Republicans offer to the American Woman?"

    Oh!… Oh!…I know this…..
    Vibrating vaginal probe for the ladies pleasure.

  29. CommieLibunatic

    By all that is Holy and Otherwise, I've seen tentacle porn rendered better than that. Hell, I could sneeze something better than that!

  30. SpeedoFart

    'Or is the “package” just meant to imply that Republicans have bigger dicks? Yes, probably.'

    Of course Republicans are bigger dicks than… oh wait. Have? Have bigger dicks than Obama?

    AH HAHAHAHA HAHAHA!

  31. fuflans

    mr fuflans just walked by and said "everyone knows the old saying the about the peashooter and the giant kangaroo. duh."

    mr fuflans makes me laugh so know i will make him grilled cheese.

  32. Muffaroo

    Maybe Clayton Liotta should have used his -other- skilled cartoonist's hand.

    (Extra ellipsis dots sighted. Perhaps a certain well-known conservative cartoonist has been giving him hot tips!)

  33. ttommyunger

    Well, in fairness, one shouldn't aim over the heads of one's audience; and Dick's followers are clearly functioning at the 6th Grade level.

  34. Negropolis

    These are horrible, like, right out of a high school newspaper horrible, and I'm not just talking technically. The themes are overly simplistic and the execution leaves much to be desired.

  35. iburl

    "Is that … is that a kangaroo? An enormous, obese kangaroo?"

    I love it when the comics curmudgeon writes what my brain thinks.

  36. carlgt1

    I have actually seen worse than this — when I used to troll the "Free Republic" uber-right-wing nutjob site there was one guy who would put up these godawful computer generated images, usually of Hillary & Bill Clinton looking like zombies etc.

    I think Ray Liotta could draw better. By the way, is this the dread chupacubra in his drawing? http://static.dickmorris.com/wp-content/uploads/H

  37. iamrrm

    The R in the Rapunzel toon is taking the whole "dick in a box" thing way too literally. You're supposed to cut a hole in the box not put your severed weewee in the box.

  38. SaintRond

    According to retired FBI Special Agent Robert Kessler, one of the pioneers of criminal profiling, who started his career with, Ted Bundy (who by the way was the first to popularize the boyish bow tie look for young Republicans and carried on by that unspeakable little bastard Tucker Carlson), wrote that unchecked foot fetishism, ultimately leads to necrophilia.

    Dick Morris is a toe sucker, yes. But in his heart of hearts, what he really wants is to cuddle up with dead women and eat them out, just like Ted Bundy! And from this perspective, Dick Morris, isn't just your average ineffectual little twerp. He's much, much more — a swollen little corpse fucker who really wants to stick his hateful little organ in dead people.

    Peace… God bless…

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