Mitt Romney is Jar-Jar Binks

Ronald Reagan May Give Greatest Performance By Pretending To Tolerate Mitt Romney From The Grave

you didn't resurrect thatFox News is hinting/wishing/masturbating furtively to the idea that the “surprise speaker” at the Republican National Convention tomorrow may be a hologram of Ronald Reagan.

After a Tupac hologram tore up Coachella and CNN awkwardly had Wolf Blitzer be awkward with a Jessica Yellin hologram, it makes sense that the GOP would be on the cutting edge of questionably useful and questionably tasteful technology.

Although this is in no way confirmed or even likely, let’s pretend it’s confirmed fact and wonder how many simultaneous orgasms can fill a Tampa arena. More to the point, will there be more patriot puddles than when John Cena announced that bin Laden was dead in the very same arena?

Depends on how many people took their Viagra beforehand.


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  1. actor212

    To be fair, if they could work the technology, that would be cool.

    It would still be motherfucking Ronald Reagan backhanding Mitt Romney, but the spectacle would be cool

    1. Arborista

      Huh. I thought only Hollywood liberals got spectacles. And the millionaire/billionaire Repugs get monocles…

    2. rickmaci

      Fuckit. Why not go all the way with this thing? Hologram Jeebuzz. Sort of an Easter Sunday effect, no?

    1. not that Dewey

      "It's still Ronald Reagan and you look like Ronald Reagan and we know you are Ronald Reagan. I think a lot of people are nervous out there. All right, Ronald. You were a terrific hologram."

  2. Not_So_Much

    Please let it be true! The fact that they wouldn't let his policies within miles of their current party would make this delicious for a long, long time.

  3. Callyson

    Other guesses for non-dead speakers include Tim Tebow, Colin Powell, Clint Eastwood, and Nancy Reagan. But hopefully the RNC reanimation squad will be able to conjure up the most profane and laughable addition to a political convention in history.

    Tricky Dick or GTFO.

    1. OzoneTom

      I think that Clint Eastwood is the most likely to qualify as a "surprise" by RNC standards.

      Even though he is well into his grumpy old guy stage of life he could still overshadow Mittens, so there is that against him.

    2. 1stNewtontheMoon

      I would love for it to be Tebow lisping his way through…and Mitt can say,

      "yeah, yeah. I saw this guy in the hall. And I could tell he was in sport. I could tell he was in sport because he was the right height. And not only was he the right height, but i could tell because he had a great haircut. And because he said something about Jesus to me. and ya' know, when he told me he played the game of American football, I reminded him some of my best friends own professional American football teams. And we laughed. Then he told me he was losing his job to a Mexican. Apparently, in this sport, American football, only one quarterdown plays on the field at a time. crazy sport, American football."

        1. prommie

          If there were a God, it would happen. As we know, there isn't. It won't happen, and the world will continue on as it is, with no peace, no justice, with the powerful and vicious and mendacious taking more and more and the powerless and simple and honest getting fucked harder and harder.

          1. prommie

            Hope is the delusion that tomorrow will somehow be better than today, despite all evidence indicating the contrary. I don't like hope, it exhausts me. It is only useful for fleecing people, as it is hope that convinces people to donate their money to casinos and lotteries and the stock market.

  4. actor212

    Seriously, in how bad of shape is your party when the guy you pick to close the deal has been dead for eight years and out of office for twenty five?

    I mean, there's NO ONE still alive you'd want to leave the lasting impression?

    1. Baconzgood

      No. There's that guy….what's his name..ummmm….gimme a sec…let's see here…geeze it's right on the tip of my tounge…It starts with a letter…..

    2. SoBeach

      If the republicans trot out a hologram of dead Reagan the democrats should have a hologram of alive George W. Bush.

    3. Toomush_Infer

      Well, it was a tossup between Ronnie and Max Headroom, with hardly any difference between them, and the real plan is for it to become like a Hitler Farts viral video…..

  5. Jus_Wonderin

    Maybe I am just evil, but if they did do this my hope would be the dvd tech skips and Reagan repeatedly asks the audience "What? What? What? What? What?……………………………..

    1. SorosBot

      Certainly not Eisenhower – he was far too reasonable for today's Republican party and would be met with screams of "RINO!"

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    Perhaps there will be a Rapture to go along with this appearance. I'd be down with that.

  7. Baconzgood



      1. Baconzgood

        I saw that earlier. Yummy. You know I kinda got a crush on the FLOTUS. I wonder if she's seeing anyone.

        1. Boojum

          Yeah, I agree, but the picture captures our Flotus' essentially regal and maternal essence pretty well, I think. That anyone could think of this woman as subservient is beyond me…which may be the point of the picture.

          Or boobies, either one.

  8. Arborista

    "Depends on how many people took their Viagra beforehand."

    AOTK! Including (especially?) the she-males in tailored red dresses…

    1. Baconzgood

      I wasn't going to say anything (cause of 'nerd alert') but it's "HELP ME" not "SAVE ME".

      Now I'm going to crawl into the corner and read comic books but call them "graphic novels".

    1. Arborista

      "I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself."
      –Ronald Reagan

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    It would be cool if the SAG union-card-carrying Reagan showed up by mistake. Kinda like the young slim Elvis/old fat Elvis thing.

    1. StarsUponThars

      I'd like to see an introduction ala David Letterman's classic Uma/Oprah Oscars schtick: "Ronnie, Romney. Romney, Ronnie."

  10. SoBeach

    It would be a great way to reach out to younger voters weren't even born when Reagan was president. You know how cool young people think history is.

    1. bikerlaureate

      Exactly. I quake in fear at the thought of all those people who are on the fence seeing a computer mockup of a guy who left the Oval Office in nineteen-freakin'-eighty-nine. This could grab so many undecided independents that I feel sorta queasy.

    2. Jennyjen798

      No kidding. Most of them weren't even born yet.

      If they were to pull this, the rightards would go nuts; but the rest of the country would just wonder what the fuck just happened.

      1. Steverino247

        You mean to tell me that it's not Nancy Reagan Mick Jagger sings about? "She makes a dead man come."

  11. SmutBoffin

    One thousand years from now, the appearance of Ronnie at the 2012 RNC thingy will be basis of a new religion. In these scriptures, the dead holy man appeared before the devout and delivered a lecture on why the poors should be ground into paste and used to lubricate war machines for killing other, browner poors.

    It will suck.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I have to add, those future people think that we used those u shaped toliet lids are neckwear. And toothbrushes were used as earrings.

      Yes, it will suck.

    1. bibliotequetress

      No kidding. For those of us who were unhappy with RR when he, actually, more or less, was alive and president, this treating him like Ramses II grates.

  12. Kid_Charlemagne

    Oh, for fucks sake. Mittens would dig up Ronnie's corpse and ride him like a fucking surfboard in Tampa Bay if he thought it would get him a few votes!

    1. CthuNHu

      That's where he differs from everyone else at the convention: he'd only do it if it got him votes.

  13. Dudleydidwrong

    The Reagan hologram will be followed by brief addresses by Herbert Hoover and Attila the Hun.

    (Does a hologram eat jellybeans?)

  14. IonaTrailer

    If they don't do something better than tired Trump firing a Barack impersonator I'll be very surprised. What else do they have?

  15. elviouslyqueer

    Hologram? Shit, it would just be better to dig his ass up and let Romney reanimate him onstage.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      With Romney having to be animated as well this is going to be one rough night for the Tampa Puppeteers Local 103.

    2. billy_reuben

      He could shove his fist up Ronny's rotted corpse-anus, make the jaw flap open and shut with his fingers. Then, he could recite the alphabet while drinking a glass of water, and finish it off leading the crowd in a rousing chorus of "i wish I was in Dixie". Sensational! This would *seal* the talent competition, and the tiara is as good as his.

  16. Goonemeritus

    “Mitt I am your Grandfather” – Which I guess makes Reagan an outlaw polygamist who jumped bail to escape to Mexico.

  17. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Holograms are soooo last year. I heard that they had dug up and re-animated Ronnie's rotten corpse. Unfortunately, his brain still doesn't work, which has made him devour the brains of others. Luckily, there won't be any brains around, so it all works out.

  18. fartknocker

    I would rather see a hologram of Senators Glass and Steagall telling everyone how former Senator Phil Gramm and his wife who worked for AIG how they fucked up banking laws.

    And to remind everyone, Ronny Raygun is fucking dead and is worm food.

    1. TribecaMike

      lol I hear the Quakers are petitioning the Mormons to baptize Dick so they won't have him on the consciences anymore.

      1. prommie

        Those california "Quakers" are a completely different thing from the real east coast quakers. Don't be confusing the two.

    2. 1stNewtontheMoon

      the last 20 years have been the biggest fucking nixon comeback of all time. compared to these guys, nixon's one of the "good" ones. his crimes were even quaint.

  19. IonaTrailer

    Hologram Calvin Coolidge repeating his famous quote "Don't expect to build up the weak by pulling down the strong."

  20. belmontreport

    It would be a perfect addition to their welfare attacks to get old Ronnie up there to talk about Welfare Queens.

    1. Steverino247

      We may have to use nuclear force!

      Here comes that asshole Ron
      Big as a blimp with S&T scandal dollars.

      Get the toilet paper! You know we'll need it!

  21. Tundra Grifter

    The two Administrations of Ronald Reagan were the most corrupt in modern times – certainly since Warren Harding, and perhaps since US Grant.

    Between 130 and 140 administration figures were indicted, went to jail, resigned in disgrace, etc.

    There was Iran-Contra, Wedtech, the HUD scandals, influence peddling galore.

    In 8 years the Federal debt increased by some 275%.

    We had the largest Federal income tax increase in Ameican history – including the much-loved AMT.

    Why in the world would the GNoP want to bring all that mess up again?

    1. SorosBot

      Now that's not fair! Grant's administration was not particularly corrupt, no more than any other of that era. The revisionist claim that his administration was unusually corrupt was started around the early 1900s by Southern slavery and treason apologists.

      What you said about Reagan though, yeah that's totally fair.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        SB: I know the "standards" of the Gilded Age were different. However, even for that time I think the Grant Administration was fairly judged as rather corrupt.

  22. mavenmaven

    You all know that the big finale will be Ted Nugent accompanied by Huckabee on bass, so don't get too worked up.

  23. Ruhe

    I'm picturing the audience endlessly applauding Holo-Reagan and I keep thinking of the final scene in King of Comedy…"Rupert Pupkin, ladies and gentlemen, Rupert Pupkin…"

  24. Fox n Fiends

    Holograph in Reagan voice: "MISTER ROMNEY, REBUILD THOSE MALLS!" and the crowd goes wild.

  25. Wadisay

    They ought to do a hologram of the characters from The Wizard of Oz, who will ceremonially hand Mitt a heart, a brain, some courage, and a dog that doesn't shit all over his car.

  26. Estproph

    A robot gets his blessing from a hologram. And the right says Obama's the one that lives in a fantasy world…

  27. Serfville

    Did anyone just see this nightmare interview with Stephen Baldwin on Martin Bashir about 15 minutes ago? &*^%_*&^()(&!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here's the giant mind f*** Koch Bros talking points we are into now, with the freshly arrested or whatever the blank Baldwin nutso just got arrested for….Here it is! The religious charities cannot afford to take care of all the poor sick people for the past 4 years because…..No one has a job and hence there are no donations to religious charities for 4 years because everyone KNOWS these charities take care of all the sick poor people except under Obama because….Obama took all the jobs away hence no religious charity donations. The gubmint does not need to take care of all the sick poor people, only when Obama is Preznit and destroys all jobs hence no religious charity donations hence sick poor people can't get all that church help that of course takes care of ALL sick poor people all the time 24/7 365 days a year. Religious charities feed, clothe & gives health care and surgery and chemo etc… to ALL sick people only when Obama isn't Preznit. AND the reason no Rethugs joined in on Obama's Jobs Bill, is because……Obamacare is so bad and terrible that no Rethugs trust Obama to join his Jobs Bill and employ Ameerikans. The End. Brought to you by: Stephen Baldwin nutso alkie just arrested and the desperate flailing losing in November Koch Bros. Yeah!

      1. Serfville

        Frothing at the mouth loons. This convention is a disaster and they are all getting meaner and meaner. Wait until the Grand Poobah of Mean Trump gets up on the podium. Does anyone remember when Bush Jr cut billions of Medicaid for SiCK POOR CHILDREN? It's one of the first things Obama instituted back into law to undo Bush's nightmare cuts for sick CHILDREN. I'm afraid this election will be a close one again and that's when the Rethugs steal elections ex: 2000 and 2004.

  28. Doktor Zoom

    I'm looking forward to the part where Karl Rove genuflects to the Koch brothers and says "What is thy bidding?"

  29. zippy_w_pinhead

    masturbating furtively? Does this involve out favorite plastic GOP babe Jenna Jameson?

  30. Soylent Green

    Mittens is such a horrible inter-actor he'll be conversing to an empty space three feet to the right of the hologram. Just like he does to everybody else.

  31. JackObin

    Ronnie Raygun was once described as an amiable dunce, which is a perfect description of the mormon billionaire.

    1. Negropolis

      And the people that knew him best knew him to be bitter as a spitting snake. I hope we never forget that he was an actor.

      Ronnie was a petty, small man who held grudges…and played an amiable grandpa on TV.

  32. Soylent Green

    I'd settle for Watson to be tied into to call bullshit during every speech.

  33. ingloriousbytch

    If the GOP main speaker is a hologram they better never talk shit about Obama's teleprompter again.

  34. DangerHelvetica

    Welcome to the Cafe 80's, where it's always morning in America, even in the afternoo-noo-noon.

  35. supernoun


  36. bibliotequetress

    What would the difference be between hologram Nancy Reagan giving head and real, papery-fleshed Nancy Reagan giving head?

  37. comrad_darkness

    I'd love to see a hologram of Reagan at the convention, advocating amnesty for illegal aliens and freaking out when he found out GE wasn't paying any corporate taxes and forcing congress to fix the rules. Bring on Reagan, BABY!!

  38. 1stNewtontheMoon

    Why not skip the middleman and shell out for the merman jezus hologram? after everyone recognizes the missouri accent (and like Ashcroft, pronouncing it "mizzurah") everyone can stop making fun of Mitt's jupiter-american jezus.

  39. obfuscator2

    i look forward to hologram abraham lincoln materializing on the stage and FREAKING THE FUCK OUT at what his party has become.

  40. randcoolcatdaddy

    They'll advertise a hologram, but it will just wind up being a 16mm projector running clips from "Death Valley Days" and "Hellcats of the Navy".

  41. mr bojangles

    just show one of reagan's greatest movies 'the killers' where he slaps around angie dickinson and gets shot by lee marvin

  42. mayor_quimby

    Why is Huckabeeeeee being so cunty to DW Schultz? Seems a bit inhospitable for a southern gentleman

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