Dan Quayle’s weird kid, Congressman Ben, has had a long, fruitful tour through the halls of American power. He made his name writing pornography about all the bitchez he slammed in Scottsdale, for a blog. He made a comical ad where he called Barack Obama the worst president in history. He made more dumb creepy ads. He won his 2010 congressional race thanks to the big bucks he pulled in from daddy’s friends, like George H.W. Bush. Then he went party swimming in the Sea of Galilee, to procure water for his daughter’s baptism. And last night he lost his congressional primary, ha ha ha. He’s done. Boo!

But he had such potential!

Freshman Rep. Ben Quayle lost Tuesday night to fellow first-term Rep. David Schweikert in a fierce member vs. member GOP primary in Arizona, a stinging defeat after Quayle’s years-long struggle to shed his image as the privileged scion of political royalty.

With four-fifths of precincts reporting, Schweikert was leading Quayle, 53 percent to 47 percent and the Associated Press called the race. Redistricting thrust the two incumbents into battle for a Scottsdale-area seat.

Schweikert attacked Quayle mercilessly throughout the primary, telling voters he owes his position in Congress to his father’s name and connections. And Quayle’s past life gave Schweikert no shortage of other ammunition: Quayle was forced years ago to admit writing under a pseudonym for, a racy site about Scottsdale nightlife, and had to contend with a picture that emerged of him partying in a cow costume.

It’s a shame. He was one of our absolute favorite targets for persecution. But now he will have to go back to writing blog pornography, like the rest of us, the end.


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  • nounverb911

    But can he spell potato correctly?

    • e i e i oh

    • SorosBot


    • Biff

      Maybe there's a future for him, competing against 5th-graders, on the TeeVee?

    • miss_grundy

      I thought it was tomato…..

    • bikerlaureate


    • TribecaMike

      There is no "e" in team.

  • Baconzgood

    "picture that emerged of him partying in a cow costume."

    There goes Baconz political career before it even started.

    • MacRaith

      I'd think partying without the cow costume would have gotten him in more trouble, but then I haven't seen the pictures.

      • viennawoods13

        Yeah, where's THAT link? How can we judge?

      • AznMom420

        Don't judge him he was just there to procure his daughter.

    • Went whole hog in yer past Baconz?

    • Not so fast, there. You could move to Louisiana

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Nothing like waking up and getting breakfast wearing only a lab coat and a condom.

    • elgin_pelican

      Journalism tip – "picture that emerged of him partying in a cow costume." is your LEAD here.

  • And does he know what language they speak in Latin America?

    • Isyaignert

      Duh – Latin!!


      • DahBoner

        No-it's Latin-o. They always put an 'o' on the end….

        • Negropolis


  • fierce member vs. member GOP primary

    The Schwanz is strong with this one

    • for the Stücker

    • I love me some Rep on Rep action!

    • Blueb4sinrise

      dern you. Sez it all don't it.

  • hagajim

    One less furry to make fun of. A shame for the entire Wonketteratti.

    • -ratti?

      I thought it was Wonketteratitti?

      • One_who_wanders


        • Lascauxcaveman

          I prefer Wonkazi. It sounds more dangerous. More Ninja-like, or something.

          • Only if you pronounce it "wonka-ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" while wielding a bo

          • Negropolis

            I think we could sound dangerous with "Wonkuza" without having an allusion to the Nazis.

    • Wonketteers!
      As in: "The Three Musketeers!"

      • SavageDrummer

        Fighting crime from the home base in the Wonketteria

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          Why am I imagining Ezra Klein pushing a tray down the line, adding policy papers as he goes?

  • Geminisunmars

    How is it Wonkette that when I load this website I get an audio American for Prosperity Commerical playing. Does Wonkette need the monies this bad???? This sucks.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      It's satire?

    • Terry

      I keep getting an ad for some kind of kids show with big fleece characters dancing.

      • chicken_thief

        Fleece characters? Or Quayle in cow drag?

      • Limeylizzie

        Me too, it is ghastly.

    • Isyaignert

      Whenever I see a Reicht-winged ad on a site, I always click on it, because it costs those basturds money.

      Also, too, if you are unfortunate enough to get mail from the RNC with a self-addressed return envelope, just send it back to them stuffed with all kinds of coupons or junk mail and/or a one pound piece of steel. It'll cost them money too. Gawd I hate those fukers.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        It does, but it also adds to the clickthrough rate, meaning that the ad sellers will have better metrics. Double edged sword.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Still, I like the idea of the RNC and conservative-themed book publishers funding the operations of our dear Wonkette.

  • had to contend with a picture that emerged of him partying in a cow costume

    Odd. You'd think that would be an asset in a Republican primary…

    • LibertyLover

      Cow costume? No. A bull costume seems more appropriate somehow.

      • Someone's gotta be a bottom

        And besides….

        • chicken_thief

          *Ms Lindsay shyly raises hand to volunteer.*

      • OneDollarJuana

        "Hey baby, feel my udder. Which one has the … in it? Heh, heh."

    • Not_So_Much

      An actual cow, they'd understand. But playing dress-up? Might be The Ghey. Not the totally acceptable closeted kind either.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Ahhahahahahahahahah -pauses for breath- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    A "Dying Quayle" political career.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Wait. Internet anonymity isn't permanent?

    • LibertyLover

      Now, you'll never be President.

  • freakishlywrong

    Schweikert , eh? So now they're just cold nominating Nazis?

    • Well, I mean…Arizona, right?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I dunno, Rusty Schweikhart was always one of my favorite NASA astronauts when I was a kid and into that kind of shit.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        A tilde html 1 website. That is old school.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          To be fair, it's probably been up since the internet was called ARPANET.

          • Really. The Well. Criminy, I used to shell into that from…oh, crap, what was my ISP back then????

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Does he get that sweet sweet government pension, though?

    • OneDollarJuana


      "Members of Congress are eligible for a pension at age 62 if they have completed at least five years of service. They are eligible for a pension at age 50 if they have completed 20 years of service, or at any age after completing 25 years of service. The amount of the pension depends on years of service and the average of the highest three years of salary. By law, the starting amount of a member’s retirement annuity may not exceed 80 percent of his or her final salary."


  • elviouslyqueer

    a stinging defeat after Quayle’s years-long struggle to shed his image as the privileged scion of political royalty

    Um, being the son of a one-term VPOTUS who famously couldn't spell the word potato correctly and whose greatest claim to fame was chastising a fictional television character for becoming a single mother hardly qualifies as being born into "political royalty."

    • no_gravity

      Tell that to Marilyn.

      • After you give her a sugar cube.

    • His family has a fairly long and important history in both Indiana and Arizonan politics. Grandpa owned both the Arizona Republic and Indianapolis Star newspapers.

      • tihond

        Which makes it especially sad that his son was unable to read.

      • Negropolis

        Having a "long and important" history in the states of Indiana (dumb) and Arizona (dumber) ain't sayin' much.

    • MosesInvests

      Hey, let's not forget that he thought the Martian "canals" proved the existence of intelligent life on the Red Planet.

    • HogeyeGrex

      In today's Republican Party?

      Shit, having more than a half a dozen teeth makes you an over-edumacated elitist.

  • Lucidamente1

    A sad day, a day of sorroe.

    • sharethegrief

      This I love.

      • kittensdontlie

        Fare thee well, oh Been Qualye, sorry I ne'er new thee…

    • iamrrm

      WINNER, WINNER game bird dinner!

  • jaytingle

    Sounds great until one considers that odious was defeated by other odious. Perhaps other odious will be pushed out in the general. In Scottsdale, Arizona. Going back to sleep.

  • polnick

    Two of America’s most talented entrepreneurs should be running in the 2012 presidential elections, they are Jay-Z, and Kid Rock. Both are great musicians and skilled businessmen. They might not provide jobs but will have the downtrodden hopping and rocking.

    • T3rbo


    • Yes, because a clown who's only claim to fame is getting blown by Pamela Anderson…and really, who hasn't?…should be in charge of you.

      • ChernobylSoup

        You're awfully quiet re Beyonce. Care to explain?

        • Brother's opening an arena in Brooklyn. I'm hoping to score some ducats.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Your meds. Take them.

    • MissTaken

      When you huff do you prefer the silver or gold paint?

    • Dildeaux

      Round heeah, we deduct style points for simply uttering the name of the detroit douchebag. Shameful.

    • IncenseDebate

      We need more clear thinking like this in our civic arena.

      • Say, you know who'd make a great President?

        Salvador Dali.

        BONUS: He's dead, so we'd all be in on the joke

        • IncenseDebate

          An excellent choice! He may be dead but his memory is persistent! He would melt the debt clock no problem!

    • Isyaignert

      I'd vote for Chris Rock.

  • Give him a break – he's working with some pretty lousy chromosomes.

  • freakishlywrong

    Twafwaffle got the "hell knocked out" of him. Thee you on the theethaw, Bennie!

  • Major Thom

    The a**hole doesn't fall far from the t'aint.

  • Today we are all privileged scions of political royalty.

  • keepwalkin

    Checking in at the Bates Motel couldn't have been any creepier than that fucking 30s vid!!

  • Not_So_Much

    Still one term too many…

  • Didn't he say he was going to go knock some sense into Washington or some tough guy talk like that? I guess it's time to declare Mission Accomplished.

  • LibertyLover

    Perhaps he would have done better if he had Scorpions for Breakfast.

  • ChernobylSoup

    "I told him, 'run over a poor, single mother with your truck and you'll clinch the nomination.' Know what he said? 'But I don't drive a truck.' Geez, I gotta get a candidate I can work with."

    • SorosBot

      So he doesn't randomly tell his wife how many miles he has on his truck during bedtime conversations?

  • RadioBowels

    The scary part is that there is someone crazier than him.

    • not that Dewey

      No doubt. Scottsdale voters didn't reject him because he was too unreasonable.

  • Steverino247

    I'm sorry you gotta head like a potato. I really am.

  • Hera Sent Me

    I guess Ben just had one hot potatoe too many to handle.

  • rickmaci

    Wawawawawa. Moooooommmmeeeeee!!!!!!

  • Terry

    Well, thank goodness he has his family connections and abundant misogyny to fall back on.

    • ChernobylSoup

      I don't know what the word misogyny means but you better not be making fun of Marilyn Quayle's hair.

    • RadioBowels

      And don't forget the creepy, hollowed-out, Ted Bundyesque good looks.

  • He's just a mashed pototatoe now.

  • MissTaken

    Congressman/pron blogger, I served with Brock Landers, I knew Brock Landers, Brock Landers was a friend of mine. Congressman, you're no Brock Landers.

    • garryboldwater

      Senator, that was uncalled for!

  • garryboldwater

    I disageee that Obama is the worst President ever. He's at least tied with George W. Bush and Herbert Hoover.

    • elviouslyqueer

      The wit, it is savage!

    • Watching the convention last night, it appears that the Dubya administration never happened.

      • garryboldwater

        You actually watched the convention? I was busy picking gum off the sidewalk in front of my house.

        • I'm pretty sure I did — my wine is gone.

          • garryboldwater

            I've never watched cable news, CSPAN, or a political convention sober.

    • Graham Cracker

      and Nixon, too, also.

  • comrad_darkness

    He lost his primary? The meritocracy took one last dying breath just to screw him over?

  • BZ1

    "Political royalty" Hahahahahahahaha

  • mavenmaven

    "Someone has to go to Washington and then get kicked the hell out of there"

  • DonnyKerabotsos


    I picked this guy on my 'who is the mystery speaker at the GOP convention' pool.
    Does this rule him out?

  • MonkeyMotion

    "But now he will have to go back to writing blog pornography."

    Well, at least it'll be more entertaining (and much more reality-based) than the GOP-talking points he's been spewing for years.

    Bu-bye, Benny!

  • smitallica

    Good for him. Now he'll have plenty of time to go fuck himself.

    • MozakiBlocks

      In my mind, I'm upfisting you repeatedly.

  • SorosBot

    He should forever be grateful to Sarah Palin for making his father no longer be the poster child for horrible VP picks.

    • garryboldwater

      My favorite VP pick of all time would have to be Admiral James Stockdale (Ross Perot). The only real drawbacks he had were being deaf and falling asleep during debates. Beside that, he was great.

    • Negropolis

      Hell, Sarah made Danny look like a gentleman scholar.

  • SavageDrummer

    He's a Quayle, being a 1 termer is in his blood!

    • MozakiBlocks


  • Finding the life of the GOP Young Gun a bit taxing for his mien, young Ben is right to return back to Mom & Dad's quiverfull of misbegotten ambitions.

  • looks like he didn't build that.

  • Estproph

    Ben who?

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Ah, it's sorta like term limits without all the mess. Cool. Now this fellow that beat him? Is he an asshole too?

    • Biff

      Arizona, duh!

    • LibertyLover

      Sadly, he's a bigger asshole. He tried to get people to quit their dollars in favor of a dollar coin… that's been tried so many times there is a whole warehouse full of Susan B. Anthony and Sacagawea Coins in Washington because no one wanted them.

  • Guppy

    We can forgive writing pornography.

    Writing bad pornography, on the other hand, well… that's a paddlin'.

    • Which would immediately make it GOOD porn.

  • James Michael Curley

    "Dying Quayle" is an obscure ballet choreographed by Nijinsky. After the first adagio a grand balancoire is executed and just before the final coupe of the movement, you step on your dick.

  • fierce member vs. member GOP primary… thrust the two incumbents into battle for a Scottsdale-area seat.

    Sometimes the bad gay porn just writes itself.

  • LibrarianX

    Quayle offspring will mate with Palin offspring. World will end.

  • Isn't Ben already busy playing the new oddball doctor on Royal Pains?

  • Beowoof

    I think he has the IQ of one.

  • ttommyunger

    With any luck, this will be the last I'll hear of him or his doofus dad.

  • notanncoulter

    Oh thank GOD [big G big O big D].
    That commercial wherein he calls Obama the worst president ever almost cost me a nearly-new television. Fortunately, the only think within quick reach the first time I saw it was the cat… and I knew that was a bad idea for both of us ;0)
    The world of humor may be worse off as a result of his loss, but everyone else is far better off, and that's a good thing ®
    For this pustule of a being to pass judgment on anyone or anything is unthinkable.

  • StealthMuslin

    This makes me sew hapee!

  • Katydid

    O/T, this from last night:

    Court throws out Texas redistricting plan, says the plan was clearly discriminatory:

  • owhatever

    Standin' on a corner in Winslow, Arizona, out of a fuckin' job.

    • bikerlaureate

      We may lose, and we may win,
      Though we will never be here again.

  • Baba_NinjaCat12

    He could have won if he dress like this at congress

    • LibertyLover

      That's fabulous!

  • OneYieldRegular

    I just want to say one word to you, Ben: Plastics.

  • timbo71351

    Obama ought to call him up and say "Ha ha ha asshole!"

  • MozakiBlocks

    I want to thank my fellow Wonkeratti for the laffs in this thread. Makes my hangover go away.

  • dopper0189

    Maybe he should go home and have a baked "p-o-t-a-t-o-e" like his dad taught him to spell it!

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