LOSERS  11:20 am August 29, 2012

A Look Back At The Long Political Career of Ben Quayle

by Jim Newell

Dan Quayle’s weird kid, Congressman Ben, has had a long, fruitful tour through the halls of American power. He made his name writing pornography about all the bitchez he slammed in Scottsdale, for a blog. He made a comical ad where he called Barack Obama the worst president in history. He made more dumb creepy ads. He won his 2010 congressional race thanks to the big bucks he pulled in from daddy’s friends, like George H.W. Bush. Then he went party swimming in the Sea of Galilee, to procure water for his daughter’s baptism. And last night he lost his congressional primary, ha ha ha. He’s done. Boo!

But he had such potential!

Freshman Rep. Ben Quayle lost Tuesday night to fellow first-term Rep. David Schweikert in a fierce member vs. member GOP primary in Arizona, a stinging defeat after Quayle’s years-long struggle to shed his image as the privileged scion of political royalty.

With four-fifths of precincts reporting, Schweikert was leading Quayle, 53 percent to 47 percent and the Associated Press called the race. Redistricting thrust the two incumbents into battle for a Scottsdale-area seat.

Schweikert attacked Quayle mercilessly throughout the primary, telling voters he owes his position in Congress to his father’s name and connections. And Quayle’s past life gave Schweikert no shortage of other ammunition: Quayle was forced years ago to admit writing under a pseudonym for TheDirty.com, a racy site about Scottsdale nightlife, and had to contend with a picture that emerged of him partying in a cow costume.

It’s a shame. He was one of our absolute favorite targets for persecution. But now he will have to go back to writing blog pornography, like the rest of us, the end.

[Politico]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 149 comments }

nounverb911 August 29, 2012 at 11:21 am

But can he spell potato correctly?

weejee August 29, 2012 at 11:24 am

e i e i oh

SorosBot August 29, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Noe.

Biff August 29, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Maybe there's a future for him, competing against 5th-graders, on the TeeVee?

miss_grundy August 29, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I thought it was tomato…..

bikerlaureate August 29, 2012 at 3:14 pm

P-A-P-A.

TribecaMike August 29, 2012 at 6:10 pm

There is no "e" in team.

Baconzgood August 29, 2012 at 11:23 am

"picture that emerged of him partying in a cow costume."

There goes Baconz political career before it even started.

MacRaith August 29, 2012 at 11:24 am

I'd think partying without the cow costume would have gotten him in more trouble, but then I haven't seen the pictures.

viennawoods13 August 29, 2012 at 11:34 am

Yeah, where's THAT link? How can we judge?

AznMom420 August 30, 2012 at 2:30 am

Don't judge him he was just there to procure his daughter.

weejee August 29, 2012 at 11:25 am

Went whole hog in yer past Baconz?

actor212 August 29, 2012 at 11:44 am

Not so fast, there. You could move to Louisiana

BoatOfVelociraptors August 29, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Nothing like waking up and getting breakfast wearing only a lab coat and a condom.

elgin_pelican August 29, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Journalism tip – "picture that emerged of him partying in a cow costume." is your LEAD here.

Maman August 29, 2012 at 11:23 am

And does he know what language they speak in Latin America?

Isyaignert August 29, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Duh – Latin!!

LOL!

DahBoner August 29, 2012 at 4:37 pm

No-it's Latin-o. They always put an 'o' on the end….

Negropolis August 30, 2012 at 2:35 am

Latinoe.

actor212 August 29, 2012 at 11:24 am

fierce member vs. member GOP primary

The Schwanz is strong with this one

weejee August 29, 2012 at 11:27 am

for the Stücker

DemmeFatale August 29, 2012 at 11:29 am

I love me some Rep on Rep action!

Blueb4sinrise August 29, 2012 at 11:31 am

dern you. Sez it all don't it.

hagajim August 29, 2012 at 11:24 am

One less furry to make fun of. A shame for the entire Wonketteratti.

actor212 August 29, 2012 at 11:25 am

-ratti?

I thought it was Wonketteratitti?

One_who_wanders August 29, 2012 at 11:27 am

Wonkettista!

Lascauxcaveman August 29, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I prefer Wonkazi. It sounds more dangerous. More Ninja-like, or something.

actor212 August 29, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Only if you pronounce it "wonka-ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" while wielding a bo

Negropolis August 30, 2012 at 2:38 am

I think we could sound dangerous with "Wonkuza" without having an allusion to the Nazis.

DemmeFatale August 29, 2012 at 11:31 am

Wonketteers!
As in: "The Three Musketeers!"

SavageDrummer August 29, 2012 at 11:48 am

Fighting crime from the home base in the Wonketteria

BoatOfVelociraptors August 29, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Why am I imagining Ezra Klein pushing a tray down the line, adding policy papers as he goes?

Geminisunmars August 29, 2012 at 11:24 am

How is it Wonkette that when I load this website I get an audio American for Prosperity Commerical playing. Does Wonkette need the monies this bad???? This sucks.

BaldarTFlagass August 29, 2012 at 11:27 am

It's satire?

Terry August 29, 2012 at 11:39 am

I keep getting an ad for some kind of kids show with big fleece characters dancing.

chicken_thief August 29, 2012 at 11:51 am

Fleece characters? Or Quayle in cow drag?

Limeylizzie August 29, 2012 at 11:55 am

Me too, it is ghastly.

Isyaignert August 29, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Whenever I see a Reicht-winged ad on a site, I always click on it, because it costs those basturds money.

Also, too, if you are unfortunate enough to get mail from the RNC with a self-addressed return envelope, just send it back to them stuffed with all kinds of coupons or junk mail and/or a one pound piece of steel. It'll cost them money too. Gawd I hate those fukers.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 29, 2012 at 12:09 pm

It does, but it also adds to the clickthrough rate, meaning that the ad sellers will have better metrics. Double edged sword.

Lascauxcaveman August 29, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Still, I like the idea of the RNC and conservative-themed book publishers funding the operations of our dear Wonkette.

actor212 August 29, 2012 at 11:24 am

had to contend with a picture that emerged of him partying in a cow costume

Odd. You'd think that would be an asset in a Republican primary…

LibertyLover August 29, 2012 at 11:29 am

Cow costume? No. A bull costume seems more appropriate somehow.

actor212 August 29, 2012 at 11:35 am

Someone's gotta be a bottom

And besides….

chicken_thief August 29, 2012 at 11:54 am

*Ms Lindsay shyly raises hand to volunteer.*

OneDollarJuana August 29, 2012 at 11:48 am

"Hey baby, feel my udder. Which one has the … in it? Heh, heh."

Not_So_Much August 29, 2012 at 11:33 am

An actual cow, they'd understand. But playing dress-up? Might be The Ghey. Not the totally acceptable closeted kind either.

Dr_Zoidberg August 29, 2012 at 11:25 am

Ahhahahahahahahahah -pauses for breath- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Kid_Charlemagne August 29, 2012 at 11:25 am

A "Dying Quayle" political career.

ChernobylSoup August 29, 2012 at 11:25 am

Wait. Internet anonymity isn't permanent?

LibertyLover August 29, 2012 at 11:34 am

Now, you'll never be President.

freakishlywrong August 29, 2012 at 11:25 am

Schweikert , eh? So now they're just cold nominating Nazis?

actor212 August 29, 2012 at 11:28 am

Well, I mean…Arizona, right?

BaldarTFlagass August 29, 2012 at 11:40 am

I dunno, Rusty Schweikhart was always one of my favorite NASA astronauts when I was a kid and into that kind of shit. http://www.well.com/~rs/

BoatOfVelociraptors August 29, 2012 at 12:13 pm

A tilde html 1 website. That is old school.

BaldarTFlagass August 29, 2012 at 12:28 pm

To be fair, it's probably been up since the internet was called ARPANET.

actor212 August 29, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Really. The Well. Criminy, I used to shell into that from…oh, crap, what was my ISP back then????

BaldarTFlagass August 29, 2012 at 11:25 am

Does he get that sweet sweet government pension, though?

OneDollarJuana August 29, 2012 at 11:52 am

No.

"Members of Congress are eligible for a pension at age 62 if they have completed at least five years of service. They are eligible for a pension at age 50 if they have completed 20 years of service, or at any age after completing 25 years of service. The amount of the pension depends on years of service and the average of the highest three years of salary. By law, the starting amount of a member’s retirement annuity may not exceed 80 percent of his or her final salary."

From http://factcheck.org/2007/12/congressional-pensio

elviouslyqueer August 29, 2012 at 11:27 am

a stinging defeat after Quayle’s years-long struggle to shed his image as the privileged scion of political royalty

Um, being the son of a one-term VPOTUS who famously couldn't spell the word potato correctly and whose greatest claim to fame was chastising a fictional television character for becoming a single mother hardly qualifies as being born into "political royalty."

no_gravity August 29, 2012 at 11:32 am

Tell that to Marilyn.

actor212 August 29, 2012 at 11:37 am

After you give her a sugar cube.

actor212 August 29, 2012 at 11:33 am

His family has a fairly long and important history in both Indiana and Arizonan politics. Grandpa owned both the Arizona Republic and Indianapolis Star newspapers.

tihond August 29, 2012 at 11:48 am

Which makes it especially sad that his son was unable to read.

Negropolis August 30, 2012 at 2:40 am

Having a "long and important" history in the states of Indiana (dumb) and Arizona (dumber) ain't sayin' much.

MosesInvests August 29, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Hey, let's not forget that he thought the Martian "canals" proved the existence of intelligent life on the Red Planet.

HogeyeGrex August 29, 2012 at 1:30 pm

In today's Republican Party?

Shit, having more than a half a dozen teeth makes you an over-edumacated elitist.

Lucidamente1 August 29, 2012 at 11:28 am

A sad day, a day of sorroe.

sharethegrief August 29, 2012 at 11:37 am

This I love.

kittensdontlie August 29, 2012 at 11:45 am

Fare thee well, oh Been Qualye, sorry I ne'er new thee…

iamrrm August 30, 2012 at 10:28 am

WINNER, WINNER game bird dinner!

jaytingle August 29, 2012 at 11:28 am

Sounds great until one considers that odious was defeated by other odious. Perhaps other odious will be pushed out in the general. In Scottsdale, Arizona. Going back to sleep.

polnick August 29, 2012 at 11:29 am

Two of America’s most talented entrepreneurs should be running in the 2012 presidential elections, they are Jay-Z, and Kid Rock. Both are great musicians and skilled businessmen. They might not provide jobs but will have the downtrodden hopping and rocking.

T3rbo August 29, 2012 at 11:33 am

no

actor212 August 29, 2012 at 11:38 am

Yes, because a clown who's only claim to fame is getting blown by Pamela Anderson…and really, who hasn't?…should be in charge of you.

ChernobylSoup August 29, 2012 at 11:42 am

You're awfully quiet re Beyonce. Care to explain?

actor212 August 29, 2012 at 11:42 am

Brother's opening an arena in Brooklyn. I'm hoping to score some ducats.

Doktor Zoom August 29, 2012 at 11:39 am

Your meds. Take them.

MissTaken August 29, 2012 at 11:41 am

When you huff do you prefer the silver or gold paint?

actor212 August 29, 2012 at 11:43 am

Shiny nostrils.

Dildeaux August 29, 2012 at 11:48 am

Round heeah, we deduct style points for simply uttering the name of the detroit douchebag. Shameful.

IncenseDebate August 29, 2012 at 11:52 am

We need more clear thinking like this in our civic arena.

actor212 August 29, 2012 at 11:55 am

Say, you know who'd make a great President?

Salvador Dali.

BONUS: He's dead, so we'd all be in on the joke

IncenseDebate August 29, 2012 at 12:01 pm

An excellent choice! He may be dead but his memory is persistent! He would melt the debt clock no problem!

Isyaignert August 29, 2012 at 12:04 pm

I'd vote for Chris Rock.

swordfis August 29, 2012 at 11:30 am

Give him a break – he's working with some pretty lousy chromosomes.

freakishlywrong August 29, 2012 at 11:30 am

Twafwaffle got the "hell knocked out" of him. Thee you on the theethaw, Bennie!

Major Thom August 29, 2012 at 11:31 am

The a**hole doesn't fall far from the t'aint.

grandinquisitor August 29, 2012 at 11:31 am

Today we are all privileged scions of political royalty.

keepwalkin August 29, 2012 at 11:31 am

Checking in at the Bates Motel couldn't have been any creepier than that fucking 30s vid!!

Not_So_Much August 29, 2012 at 11:32 am

Still one term too many…

SayItWithWookies August 29, 2012 at 11:32 am

Didn't he say he was going to go knock some sense into Washington or some tough guy talk like that? I guess it's time to declare Mission Accomplished.

LibertyLover August 29, 2012 at 11:32 am

Perhaps he would have done better if he had Scorpions for Breakfast.

ChernobylSoup August 29, 2012 at 11:32 am

"I told him, 'run over a poor, single mother with your truck and you'll clinch the nomination.' Know what he said? 'But I don't drive a truck.' Geez, I gotta get a candidate I can work with."

SorosBot August 29, 2012 at 11:51 am

So he doesn't randomly tell his wife how many miles he has on his truck during bedtime conversations?

RadioBowels August 29, 2012 at 11:33 am

The scary part is that there is someone crazier than him.

not that Dewey August 29, 2012 at 11:36 am

No doubt. Scottsdale voters didn't reject him because he was too unreasonable.

Steverino247 August 29, 2012 at 11:33 am

I'm sorry you gotta head like a potato. I really am.

Hera Sent Me August 29, 2012 at 11:33 am

I guess Ben just had one hot potatoe too many to handle.

rickmaci August 29, 2012 at 11:36 am

Wawawawawa. Moooooommmmeeeeee!!!!!!

Terry August 29, 2012 at 11:38 am

Well, thank goodness he has his family connections and abundant misogyny to fall back on.

ChernobylSoup August 29, 2012 at 11:43 am

I don't know what the word misogyny means but you better not be making fun of Marilyn Quayle's hair.

RadioBowels August 29, 2012 at 11:57 am

And don't forget the creepy, hollowed-out, Ted Bundyesque good looks.

ManchuCandidate August 29, 2012 at 11:39 am

He's just a mashed pototatoe now.

MissTaken August 29, 2012 at 11:39 am

Congressman/pron blogger, I served with Brock Landers, I knew Brock Landers, Brock Landers was a friend of mine. Congressman, you're no Brock Landers.

garryboldwater August 29, 2012 at 11:41 am

Senator, that was uncalled for!

garryboldwater August 29, 2012 at 11:41 am

I disageee that Obama is the worst President ever. He's at least tied with George W. Bush and Herbert Hoover.

elviouslyqueer August 29, 2012 at 11:59 am

The wit, it is savage!

SayItWithWookies August 29, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Watching the convention last night, it appears that the Dubya administration never happened.

garryboldwater August 29, 2012 at 12:10 pm

You actually watched the convention? I was busy picking gum off the sidewalk in front of my house.

SayItWithWookies August 29, 2012 at 12:20 pm

I'm pretty sure I did — my wine is gone.

garryboldwater August 29, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I've never watched cable news, CSPAN, or a political convention sober.

Graham Cracker August 29, 2012 at 1:05 pm

and Nixon, too, also.

comrad_darkness August 29, 2012 at 11:46 am

He lost his primary? The meritocracy took one last dying breath just to screw him over?

BZ1 August 29, 2012 at 11:47 am

"Political royalty" Hahahahahahahaha

mavenmaven August 29, 2012 at 11:50 am

"Someone has to go to Washington and then get kicked the hell out of there"

DonnyKerabotsos August 29, 2012 at 11:51 am

Aw….damn…

I picked this guy on my 'who is the mystery speaker at the GOP convention' pool.
Does this rule him out?

MonkeyMotion August 29, 2012 at 11:52 am

"But now he will have to go back to writing blog pornography."

Well, at least it'll be more entertaining (and much more reality-based) than the GOP-talking points he's been spewing for years.

Bu-bye, Benny!

smitallica August 29, 2012 at 11:52 am

Good for him. Now he'll have plenty of time to go fuck himself.

MozakiBlocks August 29, 2012 at 3:00 pm

In my mind, I'm upfisting you repeatedly.

SorosBot August 29, 2012 at 11:53 am

He should forever be grateful to Sarah Palin for making his father no longer be the poster child for horrible VP picks.

garryboldwater August 29, 2012 at 12:14 pm

My favorite VP pick of all time would have to be Admiral James Stockdale (Ross Perot). The only real drawbacks he had were being deaf and falling asleep during debates. Beside that, he was great.

Negropolis August 30, 2012 at 2:45 am

Hell, Sarah made Danny look like a gentleman scholar.

SavageDrummer August 29, 2012 at 11:54 am

He's a Quayle, being a 1 termer is in his blood!

MozakiBlocks August 29, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Zing!

Mumbletypeg August 29, 2012 at 11:55 am

Finding the life of the GOP Young Gun a bit taxing for his mien, young Ben is right to return back to Mom & Dad's quiverfull of misbegotten ambitions.

fuflans August 29, 2012 at 11:58 am

looks like he didn't build that.

Estproph August 29, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Ben who?

Jus_Wonderin August 29, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Ah, it's sorta like term limits without all the mess. Cool. Now this fellow that beat him? Is he an asshole too?

Biff August 29, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Arizona, duh!

LibertyLover August 29, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Sadly, he's a bigger asshole. He tried to get people to quit their dollars in favor of a dollar coin… that's been tried so many times there is a whole warehouse full of Susan B. Anthony and Sacagawea Coins in Washington because no one wanted them.

Guppy August 29, 2012 at 12:01 pm

We can forgive writing pornography.

Writing bad pornography, on the other hand, well… that's a paddlin'.

actor212 August 29, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Which would immediately make it GOOD porn.

James Michael Curley August 29, 2012 at 12:03 pm

"Dying Quayle" is an obscure ballet choreographed by Nijinsky. After the first adagio a grand balancoire is executed and just before the final coupe of the movement, you step on your dick.

Chow Yun Flat August 29, 2012 at 12:04 pm

fierce member vs. member GOP primary… thrust the two incumbents into battle for a Scottsdale-area seat.

Sometimes the bad gay porn just writes itself.

LibrarianX August 29, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Quayle offspring will mate with Palin offspring. World will end.

FlownOver August 29, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Isn't Ben already busy playing the new oddball doctor on Royal Pains?

Beowoof August 29, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I think he has the IQ of one.

ttommyunger August 29, 2012 at 12:27 pm

With any luck, this will be the last I'll hear of him or his doofus dad.

notanncoulter August 29, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Oh thank GOD [big G big O big D].
That commercial wherein he calls Obama the worst president ever almost cost me a nearly-new television. Fortunately, the only think within quick reach the first time I saw it was the cat… and I knew that was a bad idea for both of us ;0)
The world of humor may be worse off as a result of his loss, but everyone else is far better off, and that's a good thing ®
For this pustule of a being to pass judgment on anyone or anything is unthinkable.

StealthMuslin August 29, 2012 at 12:36 pm

This makes me sew hapee!

Katydid August 29, 2012 at 12:41 pm

O/T, this from last night:

Court throws out Texas redistricting plan, says the plan was clearly discriminatory:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/28/texas-re

owhatever August 29, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Standin' on a corner in Winslow, Arizona, out of a fuckin' job.

bikerlaureate August 29, 2012 at 3:20 pm

We may lose, and we may win,
Though we will never be here again.

Baba_NinjaCat12 August 29, 2012 at 1:13 pm

He could have won if he dress like this at congress

LibertyLover August 29, 2012 at 4:11 pm

That's fabulous!

OneYieldRegular August 29, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I just want to say one word to you, Ben: Plastics.

timbo71351 August 29, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Obama ought to call him up and say "Ha ha ha asshole!"

MozakiBlocks August 29, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I want to thank my fellow Wonkeratti for the laffs in this thread. Makes my hangover go away.

dopper0189 August 30, 2012 at 5:32 am

Maybe he should go home and have a baked "p-o-t-a-t-o-e" like his dad taught him to spell it!

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