Just Keep an Open Mind You Guys

Lubbock County Still Going on About the U.N. and Armed Insurrection

Tom Head, listening intentlyHere is the thing about tax increases: they are bad! No matter what! PERIOD END OF STORY. Except, of course, if they fund a paramilitary to create an insurrection and rebellion in the United States, in which case they are GOOD. An armed insurrection might come in handy down in Lubbock, Texas, if Obama reelected. Yes, in case you are wondering, certain people, and by certain people we mean these people from Lubbock and now these other people from a town in California, are still talking about this armed insurrection thing, including the part where the U.N. will be involved, because why wouldn’t the U.S. need help from the U.N. to put down an uprising in Lubbock, Texas?

A hearing on a proposed tax increase had just started at the county courthouse here Monday when Grace Rogers, a retired teacher, addressed local leaders. Ms. Rogers said she supported the idea of increasing the property tax to 34.6 cents per $100 valuation from 32.9 cents to finance the hiring of additional sheriff’s deputies — with one reservation.

It was that, she said, “it does not fund a paramilitary to create an insurrection and rebellion against the United States.”

This is a totally understandable concern. We’re not sure, but we think it’s in the Grover Norquist anti-tax thingy that all new taxes must fund paramilitaries, or else they will interfere with job creation.

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A few days before, the county’s top elected official, County Judge Tom Head, made an appearance on a local television station to generate support for the tax increase. He said he was expecting civil unrest if President Obama is re-elected, and that the president would send United Nations forces into Lubbock, population 233,740, to stop any uprising.

…If the president did send in United Nations troops, Mr. Head continued, “I don’t want ’em in Lubbock County. O.K. So I’m going to stand in front of their armored personnel carriers and say, ‘You’re not coming in here.’ And the sheriff, I’ve already asked him. I said, ‘You gonna back me?’ He said, ‘Yeah, I’ll back you.’

“Well, I don’t want a bunch of rookies back there,” Mr. Head said. “I want trained, equipped, seasoned veteran officers to back me.”

This will shock you, but Mr. Head is a Republican. He is also the head of the county’s emergency management, and from what we can tell, he seems to be doing a heckuva job.

Mr. Head, a Republican who serves as the county’s emergency management director and presides over the commissioner’s court, made international headlines. He has not apologized, though he said that his statements were taken out of context and that he was using civil unrest only as an example of how he must prepare for worst-case scenarios.

On Monday, Mr. Head sat straight-faced and calm at the hearing as more than two dozen residents sounded off on the tax increase and his statements. In an interview, Sheriff Kelly Rowe said he never had any discussions with Mr. Head involving any Obama-related uprisings or invasions, but he declined to say what he thought of Mr. Head’s remarks.

…Kenny Ketner, the chairman of the Lubbock County Democratic Party, has called for Mr. Head to resign, as did the local newspaper, The Lubbock Avalanche-Journal, which wrote in an editorial that Mr. Head “threw civility out the window and went in a bizarre direction that not only embarrassed himself but all county and West Texas residents.” Gilberto Hinojosa, the chairman of the Texas Democratic Party, publicly questioned Mr. Head’s “mental competency to hold elected office.”

Oh and you Californians? Don’t get too smug.

As the hearing on Monday made clear, Mr. Head and his statements have received a small but vocal chorus of support in a place that the Bay Area Center for Voting Research, based in California, once called the second-most conservative city in the country (behind Provo, Utah) among those with more than 100,000 people. A handful of residents said that Mr. Head was right in preparing for the worst.

“I believe that we need a sheriff’s militia to protect Lubbock County, and get all the sheriffs in Texas to start a militia to protect Texas,” Kim Wade Gatewood, 48, told the commissioners and Mr. Head.

This is a solid plan from Kim Wade Gatewood, 48. As we pointed out the last time we visited with Mr. Head, there is probably no better argument for a) raising taxes in Texas and b) voting for Obama than the possibility of an armed insurrection against the U.S. which will be put down by Obama and Ban Ki Moon.

[New York Times]

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About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

View all articles by Kris E. Benson

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168 comments

    1. iTuna

      Well, when Texas gets hit by hurricanes, it's the poors and black people living in the Beaumont/Port Arthur area and the nice folks living in the weirdly cool lesbian-electin' city of Houston that get the worst of it. Assholes in Dallas and whackjobs in Central & West Texas would get a day or so of pleasant rain. While we could use it out here (I'm from Waco), a hurricane wouldn't wipe the bad shit out of Texas. It'd just hurt decent people.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I'm sure the rich conservative folks with the nice summer places in Rockport would be lining up to get their FEMA re-building dollars.

      2. freakishlywrong

        I was in one of the worst hurricanes of my life in Houston. Fucker was a CAT 4 and hit downtown. The only time we could replenish the booze and ice was when the eye went over and we had an hour of respite. 3 weeks in Houston with no power sucked.

        1. iTuna

          Yeah, Ike was a bastard. Here in Waco (180 miles from Houston) it rained for about 4 hours, and we didn't lose power. Hurricanes don't do a damn thing to the parts of this state that truly deserve it.

    1. Preferred Customer

      That's the Michigan militia, duh. Hook 'Em Horns, or go Aggro or whatever the A&M slogan is. I am not interested enough to bother looking it up.

      1. thatsitfortheother1

        I think Tech's slogan is "If god had wanted Texans to ski, he would have made bullshit white."

  1. UnholyMoses

    Can we just let Lubbock secede already? Let 'em be their own little nation and they can do whatever the hell they want.

    Of course, we'll have to build a 50-foot high wall around their county to make sure we don't get a flood of illegal aliens, and put in checkpoints they have to use to enter or exit the USofA.

    After all, the Israelis have done this kind of thing to the Palestinians for decades, so it must be kosher.

  2. ChernobylSoup

    And if the UN doesn't pull a Genghis Khan, Lubbock could use the increased revenue for libraries, parks, and perhaps a bicycle trail or two.

    1. Pithaughn

      Locusts. Actual locust invasions just as described in their bible. On and the stench from sugar beet refining. This was back in the 60's so maybe the sugar beet factory is closed now, but still it sucks. Anyone with a lick of sense moves away.

  3. Barbara_

    And if Obama is reelected and the insurgence doesn't start do the people get their tax money refunded?

    1. kittensdontlie

      Those monies could be wisely reappropriated for intensive mental health counseling for the citizens, and failing that, electroshock therapy?

  4. Joshua Norton

    the president would send United Nations forces into Lubbock,

    Yes. Because that's exactly the way it works.

    Obama couldn't even get a public option passed, but somehow he'll easily get 60 senators to go along with this.

    The line between public official and that creepy guy who insists on sitting next to you on the bus is getting waaaay too thin for my tastes.

    1. retarded_baboon

      I work in a public library. Some of these people could be the regular mentally unstable/homeless library patrons we get, like the guy who complained to our IT department that the public computers were infested with demons and we needed to install some kind of anti-demon software to get rid of them.

    2. terriblyfamous

      Unless things have changed substantially since I got my political science degree, the President of the United States of America does not have the authority to just send U.N. troops anywhere.

  5. thatsitfortheother1

    Big Tex died, but was too big to be buried in a regular coffin.

    So they gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.

  6. no_gravity

    "…to start a militia to protect Texas"

    Isn't that the Texas Rangers or is that just a baseball team?

    1. MosesInvests

      That's the Texas National Guard, now(which is subject to Federal control, of course). The Texas Rangers have become the Texas equivalent of the FBI.

  7. SorosBot

    "the chairman of the Texas Democratic Party, publicly questioned Mr. Head’s “mental competency to hold elected office.”"

    Isn't living in Texas proof enough that someone is not mentally competent?

      1. SorosBot

        It's usually Austinites who cite it; it seems to be a rule that whenever you mock Texas online, someone from Austin has to pipe up and whine, "But we're not like that here in Austin!" And it's the smuggest, most hipster-ish city there is; only Portland, OR is close. Fuck Austin.

        1. DemmeFatale

          I've said it before, and I'll say it again:

          They're like justifying cat owners, (I'm a dog person), that say their cat is "different," because it's affectionate and responsive.

          1. Calapine

            Well, more like dog owners who tell you "He only wants to play!" when their cow-sized monster jumps your face and goes in for the kill. Followed right after by a defensive "But he never did that before!"

            (I'm a cat person)

      2. GeorgiaBurning

        Austin people brag about being "politically incorrect" for Texas, like San Francisco Republicans do in California. It gets them noticed at parties. It's not a bad place, but a little too surrounded.

      1. weejee

        'zactly…

        ♪♫ We-he–he-hell, the little things you say and do,
        Make us want to flee from you
        Rave on, your crazy squealing,
        You've got us all a reelin',
        When you say UN troops,
        Rave on ♫♪

        1. not that Dewey

          Everyday, armed insurrection is getting closer
          goin' faster than a roller coaster
          The UN troops will surely come my way
          a-hey a-hey hey

  8. Preferred Customer

    If Lubbock secedes, the sum total of our cultural loss will be our inability to visit Buddy Holly's birthplace. I am fine with that tradeoff.

  9. Terry

    "In an interview, Sheriff Kelly Rowe said he never had any discussions with Mr. Head involving any Obama-related uprisings or invasions, but he declined to say what he thought of Mr. Head’s remarks."

    Thank goodness. Let's hope Sheriff Rowe is a bit more sensible than is the fine Judge.

    "…Kenny Ketner, the chairman of the Lubbock County Democratic Party, has called for Mr. Head to resign, as did the local newspaper, The Lubbock Avalanche-Journal, which wrote in an editorial that Mr. Head “threw civility out the window and went in a bizarre direction that not only embarrassed himself but all county and West Texas residents.” Gilberto Hinojosa, the chairman of the Texas Democratic Party, publicly questioned Mr. Head’s “mental competency to hold elected office.”"

    I used to live in Texas. My only real issue (other than the heat and the bugs) was that you spend WAY too much of your time pointing out that some of your fellow Texans are batshit crazy.

  10. Chow Yun Flat

    The Lubbock Avalanche-Journal It was worth reading about these mouth breathers just to discover the name of this newspaper.

    "I know it's true. I saw it in the Avalanche-Journal"

  11. TootsStansbury

    I am starting to feel like that fish in the Far Side cartoon. The one where its bowl is on fire.

  12. Mittens Howell, III

    "Lubbock". To pronounce it correctly you need to have at least one cock in your mouth.

  13. freakishlywrong

    Are these the same insane assholes that did this exact same thing when Clinton was POTUS, or are these new ones, (Blah POTUS)?

  14. MacRaith

    I don't believe this for a moment. There's no way the UN is going to take over Lubbock, so the tax increase and paramilitary training must be for some other, more sinister purpose. It has become clear to me that Judge Head is actually planning to overthrow the US government and place the entire country under Lubbock's tyrannical rule.

    Do you want your children ground under the boot-heel of Lubbock? DO YOU? Then we need to send in the troops now. Pull them out of Afghanistan – we can't be concerned with sideshows now, when our very existence is threatened by this scourge from the Texas panhandle. I want to see tanks rolling through the streets of Lubbock before the end of the day! It's the only way to defend our freedom!

    1. miss_grundy

      Drone attacks would be more cost-effective and allow the kids in the military to improve their gaming skills.

  15. Goonemeritus

    We have too much respect for our blue helmeted friends in the UN to ever force them to go to Lubbock. I’m sure we plan to pacify most of Texas with carpet bombing.

    1. Calapine

      You should send in the Army and benefit from their Iraq experience on how to interact with an unruly population:

      Speak with village elders, sit down for a beer, while a young Lt. listens and make notes when the locals air their grievances. Do patrols and search for hidden meth labs, have the army corps of engineers build some sewage and plumbing facilities.

      You know, nation building!

      1. Goonemeritus

        The difference is Iraq has a comparatively educated population and a lower number of unregistered firearms.

      2. shelwood46

        When that doesn't work, drones? It's doubtful it will work, so maybe we lead with the drones?

  16. SayItWithWookies

    Y'all Lubbockites have got good reason to be afeard — you re-elect a body to the highest executive office in the land, and the next thing you know, he's gonna start takin' over the whole country. Just you watch.

  17. actor212

    Yes, because a small band of drunk fucking idiots can easily stand down the entire might of the fucking National Guard and/or state police.

    WOLVER-FUCKING-RINES!

    1. Preferred Customer

      In Lubbock, it would not surprise me if the band of drunk idiots and the National Guard and/or state police are actually the same people.

  18. FlownOver

    Halloween will be extra-hazardous in Lubbock from now on:

    "I swear, officer, there was this masked midget who came to my door. Said he wanted to take my money and give it to the invasion forces! I felt threatened and had to stand my ground!"

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    You'd think they would have already had an armed insurrection due to the fact that it's a dry town. Biggest reason I never even considered becoming a Red Raider.

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    The funnest thing to do in Lubbock is go to Amarillo to see the tree and the Pantex atom bomb factory.

  21. SorosBot

    Why does he think Obama would send troops to stop Texas from seceding, when this country would be a hell of a lot better off without having to prop up that hellhole and would rather it just go away?

  22. Monsieur_Grumpe

    UN troops are usually sent to third world countries with collapsing governments so you can see why Texans are a little nervous.

  23. ChrisM2011

    What is this weird paranoia conservatives have towards the U.N. anyway? I thought the running joke is how useless the UN is were during conflicts…

    1. Preferred Customer

      This is an omnipresent tension in the right-wing narrative. Government is so incompetent that it cannot do anything, yet government also is capable of running elaborate "false flag" operations like 9/11 and the black helicopters and fluoride and whatever else. It, of course, does not make sense, but neither does the tide. Can't explain it.

  24. BaldarTFlagass

    And the sheriff, I’ve already asked him. I said, ‘You gonna back me?’ He said, ‘Yeah, I’ll back you.’

    As the sheriff nodded and smiled, secure in his knowledge that the easiest way to get away from a lunatic is to agree with him.

  25. No_Wire_Hangers

    It's not California, Wonket. The Bay Area Center for Voting Research is in the state of California; the "chorus of support" is in Lubbock, which the Bay Area Center for Voting Research, that is based in California, has called the second-most conservative city in America.

    Close reading, Wonket. Close reading.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Thanks. I was confused, trying to determine how the "second most conservative city", implied to be in CA, remained unidentified as I reattempted to navigate that sentence.

    2. Steverino247

      Thanks for defending our level of sanity, but you could go to a place like Santee and find any number of people who agree with the insane Mr. Head.

    3. Dudleydidwrong

      Commas: how do they work?

      When Lubbock takes over the US all punctuation marks will be terminated with extreme prejudice because "they ain't no good no how."

    1. FlownOver

      …and died when U.N. covert forces in Iowa sabotaged his plane. Texas kept quiet back then because the crash also got rid of that illegal Meskin Ritchie Valens.

  26. MissTaken

    It's not like the UN has its hands filled with Syria, North Korea, Iran, Afghanistan, Somalia, and at least 30 other places around the globe. Nope, the UN is definitely worried about Lubbock County, Texas. Definitely.

    1. SorosBot

      The UN's weird, they keep stalling in their plans to send in the black helicopters to take over small towns in the US even they've apparently been planning this at least since 1992, that's when I first started hearing about it.

  27. Estproph

    I think I've run out of snark, because all I feel when I read anything anymore is dread. I can't see how we won't have a huge eruption of violence coming in the next few months.

    Can someone loan me some snark, please?

  28. yrbmegr

    My guess, if there's an uprising in Lubbock, TX, the President will send a couple of guys from Fort Hood over there to straighten it out.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      Tell me about it. This asshat would just LOVE to stand in front of an APC all Tienanmen Square-like, but he seems to have forgotten how fond we've become of mutilating tan people from the air with overgrown RC airplanes. Goddamned chickenhawk.

      1. glamourdammerung

        This asshat would just LOVE to stand in front of an APC all Tienanmen Square-like,

        Sorry, but I do not think you are correct. If we called Judge Head's buff, it would be pretty likely that he would just curl into the fetal position and piss in his pants.

    2. glamourdammerung

      No one in Lubbock ever heard of an airstrike?

      Republicans do not tend to serve in the military. That is why they think a gun collection is somehow magically going to stop bombs, tanks, drones, etc.

  29. TribecaMike

    This reminds me of post-September 11, 2001, when my mother would tell me about how her neighbors in Williams, Arizona (pop. 3,026 and in the middle of nowhere) were going apeshit about how the terrorists were going to parachute into town any minute and rape and kill them all. Soon after, I found her a pleasant assisted living home in infinitely saner Tucson.

        1. TribecaMike

          Sweet. I chatted with him for a few minutes when he played a free show — with Terry Allen! — here in downtown Manhattan a few months after September 11, 2001. Very cool cats, as was Jimmie's delightful and talented daughter, Elyse.

          1. Beetagger

            I was surprised by how friendly and talkative he was. I met him at McCabe's in Santa Monica before a show. I took his picture with Ramblin' Jack!

          2. TribecaMike

            I dig your taste in music. Ramblin' Jack's most recent album, "A Stranger Here," is superb. I've never been a big fan of his sound, but that was a good 'un. Having David Hidalgo and Van Dyke Parks on it doesn't hurt.

    1. HistoriCat

      No fucking way am I going to Lubbock. Austin or San Antonio? Sure. Dallas? Well, if I have to. Lubbock? No thank you.

    1. under_score

      No, it's ok, the retired teacher was actually one of the sane ones. It's a horribly written article.

  30. rickmaci

    "As the hearing on Monday made clear, Mr. Head and his statements have received a small but vocal chorus of support in a place that the Bay Area Center for Voting Research, based in California, once called the second-most conservative city in the country (behind Provo, Utah) among those with more than 100,000 people. A handful of residents said that Mr. Head was right in preparing for the worst."

    That may be worst written sentence ever to appear in an English language publication. The New York Times typing pool folks need to learn about using commas and periods. The quoted sentence says a Bay area think tank classifies Lubbock just behind Provo as a conservative looney bin. Californian's progressive smugness is not being threatened. Please, no further California libel. The end.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      And here I was trying to figure out if it was Atherton or Cupertino that had more wing nuts in the Bay Area. There are a few (ahem Meg Whitman).

      1. rickmaci

        Yep. First 3 times I tried to read that damn sentence I kept looking for a reference to some city in the upper East Bay. LOL.

  31. Ruhe

    Different details, same trope. It's impossible to escape the conclusion that throughout history the people most concerned about the end times (in whatever form) are the ones who are secretly hoping for it. Chickenhawks are always itchin' for a fight.

  32. fuflans

    you know, if for no other reason (and god there are so many), i want barry to win to see the actual heads asploding.

    then i will go back to sleep.

  33. bobbert

    a place that the Bay Area Center for Voting Research, based in California, once called the second-most conservative city in the country (behind Provo, Utah)

    Kris, the BACVR is in California. The city being referred to is Lubbock.

    EDIT: As I now see others have pointed out.

  34. T3rbo

    Any bets that this guy thinks jesus is coming back any minute? The global government is going to kick our doors in and take over everything any minute now, the stock market is just about to collapse… I used to laugh at this kind of Alex Jones nonsense, but one of these guys told me (EVERY DAY at work) that I should buy gold when it was $350 an ounce, so.

  35. grandinquisitor

    So when unemployed college kids run around New York suggesting that the wealthy should stop ruining their future they get pepper-sprayed and beaten, but when this guy calls for an actual insurrection against the government he gets nothing? Neat.

  36. TribecaMike

    In order to have a UN uprising, wouldn't the citizens of Lubbock have to be supporters of the UN? Why am I even trying to make sense of this loony?

  37. thefrontpage

    It's just incredibly baffling why Clint Eastwood–or anyone else previously believed to have some degree of intelligence and insight–would support Romney and the Republican Party. Eastwood is a supporter of gay rights and gay marriage, Eastwood is a big supporter of science-based and reality-based environmental, natural resource, global warming and climate change issues, Eastwood is a supporter of progressive health and human services issues, Eastwood is a supporter of minority rights, Eastwood is a supporter of pro-woman's issues, and Eastwood is a supporter of basically Democratic-leaning, left-leaning, progressive issues.

  38. thefrontpage

    So why on earth would this seemingly intelligent man suddenly support such as a moronically, idiotically, stupidly hateful, racist, homophobic, anti-science, anti-environment, anti-progressive, anti-minority, anti-women, psycho party full of discriminatory, hateful, backwards, redneck, moronic, idiotic and stupid people? It just doesn't make sense. Same goes for Jon Voight, Kid Rock and others–just what poisonous Kool Aid did these moronic people drink? Forget them all–they are fighting a losing battle, on every front.

  39. An_Outhouse

    U.N., shMU-eN.

    Obama's going to seize Lubbock via eminent domain and cede it to Chicago. Mr. Head will soon be working for some very swarthy looking fellas who sit around all day cashing their welfare checks.

  40. Pres.Beeblebrox

    Hey – the President was near in 2008 and he's still near! Hide yer wimmin n chillun, the Black Helicopters are coming!

    The only consolidation is that Judge Head (!) is not actually a Judge who tries legal cases – in certain states the County Judge is just the county executive with very limited legal powers. Harry Truman was a County Judge in Mizzurri, for example. So rather than being a judicial moron, he is just an elected moron.

    Actually, the whole Texas Commissioners' Court system is kind of weird.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/County_judge

  41. glamourdammerung

    Can we just send the SEALs in to spray paint "I LUV DIKS" on the side of this traitorous moron's house?

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