Some good news on this, the first real night of the Republican National Convention: The Baltimore Orioles are beating the Chicago White Sox 6-0 in the bottom of the 8th inning, (hopefully) allowing them to maintain the wild card lead for another night. There’s bad news too: It’s the first real night of the Republican National Convention. So far we’ve been tuning in and seen 175,032 different people saying, “DERR DERR, remember when Obama said he built all those small businesses, well, DEERRRRR, SPLAT, he didn’t, now I’m gonna do some copper wiring.” We Built That is the theme! Let’s liveblog these meatballs for an hour and a half or so while we bring the empty beer count to double digits…
9:20 — Look, it’s Rick Santorum! [smoke break]
9:22 — Santorum’s son can’t be there because he’s starting at the Citadel, chasing one of the .1 females on campus with a spiked club. We’re proud of you, son!
9:23 — Poor mothers don’t get married because they have welfare, we must end welfare, etc.
9:26 — Somehow he transitioned from that to President Obama “waiving the work requirement” for welfare! Zimzamzoom, those segues go. When President Obama is waiving laws, “we can no longer be a Republic.” We thought Kelly Ayotte bragging about how her husband quit his commercial pilot track to bomb people in Iraq and then sell lemonade or whatever was the worst speech of the night, but now here’s Weird Rick!
9:28 — Santorum is talking about all the hands he’s shaken. Man hands, lady hands, war hands, small business hands, sad hands, happy hands, “hands growing weary of not finding” a job, “little broken hands of the disabled” (no seriously), hands that give us joy,
black hands, white hands, space hands, hands hands hands — he’s just a handsie kinda guy!
9:32 — Hands across the water, hands across the sky.
9:34 — Well Rick Santorum is still the biggest shitsack in the lower 48, glad to know that. And here’s the new GOP white Mexican of the hour, Ted Cruz!
9:36 — He’s dumped the podium and is just walking around on the stage like a televangelist. “I want to tell you a love story.” Great, that’s exactly what we wanted to hear from Ted Cruz. Oh, ha, the love story is about the Constitution. George Washington came all over that Constitution, and that’s how we learned to grow maize.
9:41 — Ted Cruz is awful. Other than that, no news to report.
9:44 — “Let me give you a government check, and make you depend on the government. And don’t bother to learn English” — what a major party United States Senate candidate thinks a Democratic bureaucrat says, to humans.
9:46 — Who is this guano-gargling asshole?
9:47 — Hey it’s Artur Davis, former Democrat. Let’s care?…
9:48 — “We’ve got a country to turn around.” Dude, you’re unemployed.
9:50 — ‘WOOKIES, FROM THE COMMENTS SECTION: “Ugh — this fundamentalist disabled-child-fetishism is exactly the opposite of compassion and really quite repugnant.” Stop making fun of Ann Romney’s MS, guys.
9:55 — Well, Artur Davis is a titanic whore.
9:57 — Hey, it’s Nikki Haley!
9:58 — Nikki Haley, also, too, corrects the President on his apparent false claim that he was the proprietor of Nikki Haley’s parents’ small business.
9:59 — Haley is wearing a full 743% of the collective wealth of South Carolina on her shirt.
10:00 — She compares requiring voter ID to requiring ID to buy Sudafed at a drug store. Eh, making sure people can vote is probably more important than letting people get a drug company profit-booster, you fucking asshole. (PhRMA Lobbyists will disagree.)
10:04 — Always amazed when governors try to get credit for balancing their budgets when 49 of them are required to balance their budgets each year. (With a healthy dose of federal money.)
10:06 — Oh, lest we forget: She describes a fancy new non-union “Mack Daddy Plane” that her state’s gonna build, in their non-union plants. “Mack Daddy Plane.”
10:07 — Here is a Mexican lady from Puerto Rico [smoke break]
10:11 — Ann, Ann, she’s our Ann, if she can’t do it, Ann Ann Ann! Hurry up so the fat guy can talk, please.
10:12 — Ann thanks the first responders from ________.
10:13 — “I want to talk to you from my heart, about… our hearts.” “Tonight, I want to talk to you about love”
10:15 — Good time to note that Ann Romney has never worked a day in her life.
10:16 — “I love you WOOOOMMMMEEEEENNN!” Has she been stealing painkillers from Cindy McCain’s charity like Cindy McCain used to do?
10:18 — SMOKEFILLEDROOMMATE, IN THE COMMENTS SECTION: “Young girls in audience: ‘I’m gonna be a mommy! Yay!'”
10:19 — “I am the granddaughter of a Welsh coal miner.” Ann Romney’s had it tough.
10:21 — “We got married and moved into a basement apartment.” WOOOO!
10:22 — “Well, that was 42 years ago and I’ve survived.” Really should’ve started and ended the story with that.
10:23 — “What Mitt and I have is a real marriage.” The crowd is going nuts for that dumb line… because it’s not a Gay Marriage?
10:25 — Your Wonkette, for one, would like to hear more about this “being poor at 22″ concept. What is that kind of obscure poverty like? (Also, you weren’t.)
10:26 — Ann was there in those trying early days when Mitt Romney, son of the Governor of Michigan, had just gotten his MBA and JD degrees from Harvard and was “starting out.”
10:30 — This speech sucks!
10:30 — Mitt “brought me home from that dance.” Whose house?
10:32 — Mittens in on stage! Are those Mittbot… tears? Thank god the gofer remembered to get those at the CVS.
10:32 — Ooh, a montage of Chris Christie berating children!
10:35 — Oh my god you guys, the FATTEST PERSON WE HAVE EVER SEEN just walked onto the stage. Ha ha ha!
10:36 — Did you see him walk on stage? Waddle waddle waddle, whee!
10:38 — Chris Christie’s parents were the poorest people who have ever lived. Mom took 64 buses to work, and made no money, ever.
10:39 — Chris Christie taught his sons on “the field of mendom.”
10:40 — When is he going to smash an ice cream cone in some joe’s face on the boardwalk?
10:41 — Liquified ham sandwiches are being sent up his butt via a reverse-enema, every three seconds. This could backfire quite literally!
10:42 — Quick Midspeech Wonkette Interview!
Jim: Yo give me a quote for my RNC liveblog
Former Wonkette editor Sara K. Smith: You think I’m watching that new modern trash?
10:44 — This is a rather boring, formulaic speech from the big lug. “They said we couldn’t do it… we did it!” choruses and all that.
10:48 — “They believe in pitting unions against teachers… they believe in unions, we believe in teachers.” Direct Contradictions/Santelli ’16?
10:52 — Mitt Romney looks absolutely terrified when Christie mentions his name. Who is this shifty-eyed hoodlum?
10:55 — The biggest lie of the night is when all of these speakers say they have “faith in America.” They all have private jets ready to pop off to Singapore five minutes after the call.
10:57 — If we have to hear another goddamn politician claim that they’re destroying social programs because they care about their “children and grandchildren”…
10:59 — Chris Christie is ordering people to stand up! STAND UP OR GET SHOT AND DIE.
11:00 — Thank god, it’s over. We’ve got nothing else to say– Oh my god, 3 Doors Down is playing onstage now. LIVEBLOG OVER.