you didn't build that ronald reagan did

Liveblogging Tampa Tuesday: Ann Romney, Governor Sandwiches, And Other Heroes

Mmm, alien dickSome good news on this, the first real night of the Republican National Convention: The Baltimore Orioles are beating the Chicago White Sox 6-0 in the bottom of the 8th inning, (hopefully) allowing them to maintain the wild card lead for another night. There’s bad news too: It’s the first real night of the Republican National Convention. So far we’ve been tuning in and seen 175,032 different people saying, “DERR DERR, remember when Obama said he built all those small businesses, well, DEERRRRR, SPLAT, he didn’t, now I’m gonna do some copper wiring.” We Built That is the theme! Let’s liveblog these meatballs for an hour and a half or so while we bring the empty beer count to double digits…

9:20 — Look, it’s Rick Santorum! [smoke break]
9:22 — Santorum’s son can’t be there because he’s starting at the Citadel, chasing one of the .1 females on campus with a spiked club. We’re proud of you, son!
9:23 — Poor mothers don’t get married because they have welfare, we must end welfare, etc.
9:26 — Somehow he transitioned from that to President Obama “waiving the work requirement” for welfare! Zimzamzoom, those segues go. When President Obama is waiving laws, “we can no longer be a Republic.” We thought Kelly Ayotte bragging about how her husband quit his commercial pilot track to bomb people in Iraq and then sell lemonade or whatever was the worst speech of the night, but now here’s Weird Rick!
9:28 — Santorum is talking about all the hands he’s shaken. Man hands, lady hands, war hands, small business hands, sad hands, happy hands, “hands growing weary of not finding” a job, “little broken hands of the disabled” (no seriously), hands that give us joy, black hands, white hands, space hands, hands hands hands — he’s just a handsie kinda guy!
9:32 — Hands across the water, hands across the sky.

9:34 — Well Rick Santorum is still the biggest shitsack in the lower 48, glad to know that. And here’s the new GOP white Mexican of the hour, Ted Cruz!
9:36 — He’s dumped the podium and is just walking around on the stage like a televangelist. “I want to tell you a love story.” Great, that’s exactly what we wanted to hear from Ted Cruz. Oh, ha, the love story is about the Constitution. George Washington came all over that Constitution, and that’s how we learned to grow maize.
9:41 — Ted Cruz is awful. Other than that, no news to report.
9:44 — “Let me give you a government check, and make you depend on the government. And don’t bother to learn English” — what a major party United States Senate candidate thinks a Democratic bureaucrat says, to humans.
9:46 — Who is this guano-gargling asshole?
9:47 — Hey it’s Artur Davis, former Democrat. Let’s care?…
9:48 — “We’ve got a country to turn around.” Dude, you’re unemployed.
9:50 — ‘WOOKIES, FROM THE COMMENTS SECTION: “Ugh — this fundamentalist disabled-child-fetishism is exactly the opposite of compassion and really quite repugnant.” Stop making fun of Ann Romney’s MS, guys.
9:55 — Well, Artur Davis is a titanic whore.
9:57 — Hey, it’s Nikki Haley!
9:58 — Nikki Haley, also, too, corrects the President on his apparent false claim that he was the proprietor of Nikki Haley’s parents’ small business.
9:59 — Haley is wearing a full 743% of the collective wealth of South Carolina on her shirt.
10:00 — She compares requiring voter ID to requiring ID to buy Sudafed at a drug store. Eh, making sure people can vote is probably more important than letting people get a drug company profit-booster, you fucking asshole. (PhRMA Lobbyists will disagree.)
10:04 — Always amazed when governors try to get credit for balancing their budgets when 49 of them are required to balance their budgets each year. (With a healthy dose of federal money.)
10:06 — Oh, lest we forget: She describes a fancy new non-union “Mack Daddy Plane” that her state’s gonna build, in their non-union plants. “Mack Daddy Plane.”
10:07 — Here is a Mexican lady from Puerto Rico [smoke break]
10:11 — Ann, Ann, she’s our Ann, if she can’t do it, Ann Ann Ann! Hurry up so the fat guy can talk, please.
10:12 — Ann thanks the first responders from ________.
10:13 — “I want to talk to you from my heart, about… our hearts.” “Tonight, I want to talk to you about love” STARBURSTS!
10:15 — Good time to note that Ann Romney has never worked a day in her life.
10:16 — “I love you WOOOOMMMMEEEEENNN!” Has she been stealing painkillers from Cindy McCain’s charity like Cindy McCain used to do?
10:18 — SMOKEFILLEDROOMMATE, IN THE COMMENTS SECTION: “Young girls in audience: ‘I’m gonna be a mommy! Yay!'”
10:19 — “I am the granddaughter of a Welsh coal miner.” Ann Romney’s had it tough.
10:21 — “We got married and moved into a basement apartment.” WOOOO!
10:22 — “Well, that was 42 years ago and I’ve survived.” Really should’ve started and ended the story with that.
10:23 — “What Mitt and I have is a real marriage.” The crowd is going nuts for that dumb line… because it’s not a Gay Marriage?
10:25 — Your Wonkette, for one, would like to hear more about this “being poor at 22″ concept. What is that kind of obscure poverty like? (Also, you weren’t.)
10:26 — Ann was there in those trying early days when Mitt Romney, son of the Governor of Michigan, had just gotten his MBA and JD degrees from Harvard and was “starting out.”
10:30 — This speech sucks!
10:30 — Mitt “brought me home from that dance.” Whose house?
10:32 — Mittens in on stage! Are those Mittbot… tears? Thank god the gofer remembered to get those at the CVS.
10:32 — Ooh, a montage of Chris Christie berating children!
10:35 — Oh my god you guys, the FATTEST PERSON WE HAVE EVER SEEN just walked onto the stage. Ha ha ha!
10:36 — Did you see him walk on stage? Waddle waddle waddle, whee!
10:38 — Chris Christie’s parents were the poorest people who have ever lived. Mom took 64 buses to work, and made no money, ever.
10:39 — Chris Christie taught his sons on “the field of mendom.”
10:40 — When is he going to smash an ice cream cone in some joe’s face on the boardwalk?
10:41 — Liquified ham sandwiches are being sent up his butt via a reverse-enema, every three seconds. This could backfire quite literally!
10:42 — Quick Midspeech Wonkette Interview!

Jim: Yo give me a quote for my RNC liveblog
Former Wonkette editor Sara K. Smith: You think I’m watching that new modern trash?

10:44 — This is a rather boring, formulaic speech from the big lug. “They said we couldn’t do it… we did it!” choruses and all that.
10:48 — “They believe in pitting unions against teachers… they believe in unions, we believe in teachers.” Direct Contradictions/Santelli ’16?
10:52 — Mitt Romney looks absolutely terrified when Christie mentions his name. Who is this shifty-eyed hoodlum?
10:55 — The biggest lie of the night is when all of these speakers say they have “faith in America.” They all have private jets ready to pop off to Singapore five minutes after the call.
10:57 — If we have to hear another goddamn politician claim that they’re destroying social programs because they care about their “children and grandchildren”…
10:59 — Chris Christie is ordering people to stand up! STAND UP OR GET SHOT AND DIE.
11:00 — Thank god, it’s over. We’ve got nothing else to say– Oh my god, 3 Doors Down is playing onstage now. LIVEBLOG OVER.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Yes, Santorum I think is officially the creepiest guy in the GOP…which is saying A LOT (Kilmeade, Doochey, Limblob, the entire religious right and tea party…). I didn't watch the speech, I COULDN'T watch the speech, I tried but I kept saying "shut the fuck up Santorum" after every line and I think my neighbors were becoming worried there was an assault about to go down…

    1. MittBorg

      Hey, MY asshole is right on the end of my ass, where it belongs. If Mitt can't find an ass to which to belong, that's his lookout. And stop calling me doctor.

    2. Butch_Wagstaff

      I've been loving the whole line of "You don't have to like the guy to want him to become President."
      Jesus-jumping-jack-Christ. Have they just basically given up? Do they realize what message that sends?
      "We hate him but he's all we've got!"

      1. MittBorg

        Just, I mean, just … geeze. "When you have brain cancer, you don't care if your surgeon's a jerk"? And Christie grandstanding for all he's worth with his eye on 2016. Ann Romney must feel like she's chewing on nails.

      2. BerkeleyBear

        One of the most telling statements at the DNC in 2004 (I think it was on the Daily Show, but I could be wrong) was when a delegate said "I'd nominate a ham sandwich over bush" in response to questions of Kerry's charisma. Pretty strong tell you are gonna have a hard time with anyone who needs to be converted.

        And yeah, I'm enjoying the hell out of the shoe being on the GOP foot this time.

  1. SayItWithWookies

    "In America we believe in the freedom and the responsibility that comes with it."

    Except for paying taxes and tithing, which are for the poor. Anyone else notice that Mitt tithes at 7%? It's indicative of the GOP's math problems.

    1. NellCote71

      Mmm. I did not notice that as I froth at the mouth every time I think that he pays less than half of what I pay in taxes. Another thing, my parents were blue-collar poor, but I remember distinctly their figuring the pittance of a family budget so they could tithe 10 percent to the Presbyterian Church, so it really enrages when he gets on his pious high horse (as opposed to his prancy, dancy Olympic horse) about how much he tithes. BFD, Romney, BFD.

    2. miss_grundy

      He only tithes at 7%?? But I thought that in order to tithe correctly, you had to at least tithe 10%. So he can't even tithe correctly? How did this asshat become so rich if he can't even do basic mathematics–by cheating????!!!

    3. Ducksworthy

      Well to be fair, he also gave millions to the Mormon Prop 8 campaign. Of course, that was with the promise that they'd pay him back by giving him millions in 2012.

  2. ph7

    What's Wolf doing in that pic? Biting his tongue so he doesn't call Isaac's victims so poor and so black?

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      I thought it was Wolf too. I thought it was Wolf doing what comes natural at the RNC convention. Puking.

  3. fartknocker

    Grandpa Santorum never got any gubermint aid but I'll bet he was happy when the Mine Safety Act was passed.

      1. littlebigdaddy

        GRANDPA Santorum I think I would have liked. We'd have shared a glass of Sangiovese and sung the Internationale. BABY Santorum can go fuck himself.

      2. Willardbot9000_V2.5

        No doubt a trade unionist/communist…was granpa Santorum one of the dreaded Wobblies? I'll bet if he were alive he'd strangle Ricky boy with his still born child's umbilical cord weird Rick no doubt keeps in his wallet. I was just thinking about that…not to make too much fun but, his wife had a still born and Santorum took the dead fetus-child and made the living children hug it….and no one objected? Not his wife? the doctor? his priest?….

  4. bumfug

    Most honest part so far was when the convention-goers shouted down their own Puerto Rican delegate with USA USA chants because brown with accent = illegal-job-thieving-drug-mule.

    1. Barrelhse

      The fucking asswipes will probably prove to be the majority of "eligible" voters in November.

    2. MittBorg

      Do you think teh Brownz&Blackz who are watching might finally be getting the message that the Republican party does NOT like, support, or care for them in the slightest?

      1. NellCote71

        Don't forget the wimmenz. I have rarely been as condescended to as I was by Ann's speech. Goddammit, Repugs, not all of us are vacuous and stupid and think you hang the moon just because of that thang between your legs.

        1. MittBorg

          Indeed. I'm being treated to the sight of the Republicans, who passed 300 bills to control women's health and welfare, patting the entire female half of the population on the head while telling them there is no war on women, and if there is it's the mean ol' Democrats who are doing it.

          What they're doing to the LGBTQ community is beyond belief.

        2. Willardbot9000_V2.5

          You know she was reaching out to the "math is hard!" women who supported Palin in 2008. What I think is funny is adding the unspoken words at the end of every line she referenced her child raising years with: "because the servants told me". That also explains the condescending tone, she only deals with people who work for her husband who are by definition, lower beings…

  5. sudsmckenzie

    Ann Romney, I'm expecting a Tijuana -esq "equestrian show" or I'm flipping over to Storage Wars.

      1. Native_of_SL_UT

        I've been thinking about those temple garments lately. After Romney's "Birth Certificate" joke the Right so soundly defended, I keep hoping Obama will make a "magic underwear" joke.
        Everybody would also defend that as needing a little levity in the campaigns too, right?

        1. emmelemm

          I love Barry, because even though he occasionally rambles on that "he needs the money" or "this unit better pay off", he CLEARLY doesn't need the money (and doesn't give a fuck).

          Whenever he finds something really cool, that's worth a ton of dough, he ends up keeping it!

      1. Sparky McGruff

        Being willing and able to screw over anyone and everyone to make some scratch is the Romney way.

  6. ChernobylSoup

    I had to turn off the TV. I hate these people and everything they say and think and do so much it was starting to make me want cut myself.

    1. miss_grundy

      I turned on PBS just to watch NewsHour and I could only take it for a minute. I would rather watch a cheesy movie from the 80s on the This network than watch those asshats for an hour.

    2. MittBorg

      (Hugs ChernobylSoup) There, there. Don't let the bastards get you down. Always remember, it's just as easy to cut someone *else.* If not easier, because, you know, if you're dyslexic, you get left and right mixed up and you can't do it in a mirror anyway, because the blood gets all over every … why is everybody staring at me?

    3. Isyaignert

      I end up with Republicon tourettes whenever I hear one of those fukheads. Jeezuz fuk we're a bunch of dumb@sses in 'merika!

      1. BarackMyWorld

        Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.

        Santorum was trying to say he helped write the 1996 welfare reform law in a way that Obama couldn't waive the work requirements, which is an amazing mountain of bullshit in multiple ways.

  7. SorosBot

    Yes, the local community must be in charge of our schools; otherwise kids might learn facts, instead of being taught that the Earth is 6000 years old and the stars are on a fixed sphere that rotates around it and the planets and Sun which also revolve around the Earth.

      1. SorosBot

        And the theory of relativity is just propaganda for moral relativism!

        (This is what conservapedia actually claims).

        1. glasspusher

          Why did they leave out of the bible the part where Jesus describes how things look from his POV when he's riding on a light beam?

        2. Native_of_SL_UT

          The theory of gravity is also a myth.
          Listen to these guys and you'll realize it's just that the whole world sucks.

        3. Willardbot9000_V2.5

          Hah! Andy has more brain fart claims than that one, doozy as it is. Did you know black holes are just lib-speak to get people to stop reading their bibles? And there are "conservative" words and "liberal" words (that only Andy knows..) and the "conservative" words are winning? That man is a one-man band of crazy.

    1. NellCote71

      Or, like Texas Republicans did, write into your party platform that you are against critical thinking. I am glad I am 64. I do not want to be around in 30 or 40 years.

          1. SorosBot

            He's still preferable to the Dominion though. Of course I wouldn't put it past Romney to have everyone genetically engineered to worship his people as gods like they did to the Vorta.

        1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

          or maybe we could find LV-426 and get all the Repubs attacked by face huggers? Think of all the quiet we'd have and the Xenomorphs would have plenty of nutrients in those fat bags of shit to live off. Then we get to watch them explode out their chests on tv! Marcus Bachmann would die with a smile knowing he gave birth to something that looks quite like a penis with sharp teeth….

          1. MittBorg

            That's all I need to accompany me into sweet sleep. The thought of Marcus Bachmann's dick reborn as a monster with giant teeth and TWO heads. (My dick is a MONster!)

    2. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      woah, woah woah there nerd bot science boy…who said anything about there being 'stars' in the sky? Those are the twinkly eyes of angels watching EVERYTHING we do (except for when our moral betters have gay sex or commit embezzlement or cheat with their secretary, etc.)…and the world IS 6,000 years old, the Earth NEVER changes! Methinks you are edging too closely toward believing the universe doesn't revolve around the Earth, either…

  8. SorosBot

    "Obama rules like he is above the law" how exactly? Really Rick, give one example where he has done this – unlike his predecessor who illegally created a gulag and ordered torture without any authorization in the law.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      The fact he hasn't done it is just evidence of his intention to do it if he gets re-elected.

    2. miss_grundy

      Because as President, Obama gets to sign bills that tells WHITE PEOPLE what they have to do…

    3. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      One thing I liked about the Newsroom was when Jeff Daniels started grilling the idiots on their claims: "name 3 freedoms you've lost as a result of Obama's presidency, senator Santorum"…"Obamacare!" "have you had to change your doctor? has your wife, your children? has anyone you know had to change their doctor?" "stammer, stammer…" (GOP convention douche pulls the plug on the idea).

    4. outragedcitizen

      Hey, Shrub's pet Asian told him torture was ok, so it's not his fault… just like everything else that went wrong, (pretty much everything), cause it all somehow magically transferred into Obama's first term as President.

  9. ChernobylSoup

    There were times in my childhood and adolescence when I told a lie so much with such ferocity that eventually I would believe it. Don't most people grow out of that? Republicans never stop, do they?

    1. slowhansolo

      I will see Gilliam-esque nightmarescapes of hands rising from fresh gravesites, only to be cut off like flower blooms, in my dreams tonight. Hence, the whisky.

    1. finallyhappy

      Why should their campaign have to be about truth or facts? That's like saying you should teach science or math instead of whatever flies out your ass

    2. SayItWithWookies

      And two compliant Republican governors are now disavowing their earlier requests for waivers. No, they weren't requests for waivers — they were just letters that mentioned waivers. And the other excuse was "we wanted Congress to do this, not the executive branch." Which is why the letter went to Kathleen Sebelius. The bullshit and backpedaling is just astonishing.

    1. PsycWench

      Some disabilities are detectable with amnio or ultrasound, which leads to this interesting fact: Greatly reduce healthcare availability and women are going to abort a pregnancy with a disabled child that they might have wanted to carry to term. Sounds a little counterproductive, no?

    2. ibwilliamsi

      How are their disabled children going to figure out how to buy the right insurance every year with a death coupon when they're gone?

    3. littlebigdaddy

      As the father of a disabled child, I can say that you are right on. Thankfully, mine has intact hands.

  10. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I saw Ann Romney on the news today talking about what her father told her on his death bed just minutes before he died. Her writers are really stretching the tear jerk crap. I imagine her speach tonight will induce vomiting and diabetes at the same time.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      Thank you Ann for sharing your Father's most personal moments for political gain. I'm sure he would be proud.

        1. e_z

          Oh, a retroactive Later Day Saint? Like Mitt's retroactive Baine resignation.

          Truely faith is a wonderful thing, eh?

        2. Negropolis

          Her story just burns me up every time I hear it. She was raised better than what she became.

    2. ThundercatHo

      I call bullshit. I've been with several ill people right before they died. They are in a comatose state and are unresponsive for quite a while before they actually expire. Lying sack of shit much?

        1. ThundercatHo

          Sorry about your mom, sweetie. Guess I was trying to say it's not like the movies or Egg's fantasy life. My mom is almost 85 and is still going strong. I really hope when she goes it's in the middle of a spine-straightening orgasm with her new husband or some dramatic collapse on the dance floor. My mother-in-law had a massive MI too but lingered in a coma for several days.

          1. MittBorg

            Hey, TcH! No worries, I couldn't stand her and I was really relieved not to have to wait on her hand and foot any more. But I do get your drift. Wow, it's so cool that your Mom's still going strong! Mine popped her clogs in her 85th year and, our many years of enmity aside, I'm very glad she went quick and painlessly. Dad finally passed a year ago, at 96, and that was awful. I'm kinda hoping I go like my Mom or, quite frankly, better yet, YOURS. A spine-straightening orgasm sounds like just the thing for this ancient spine! (Hugs the TcH)

          2. Isyaignert

            Sounds like you've got some good genes working for ya MtitBorg – good thing too, because we like you around here – we really like you!

    1. Angry_Marmot

      One of them big queen bugs from Starship Troopers is using a Santorum hand puppet. That's what makes his mouth do that.

    2. Butch_Wagstaff

      I noticed that. I only watched a few minutes of Krispy Khristie and, at first, I thought I was hallucinating. Then I thought maybe it was supposed to induce some hypnotic effect on viewers. So I turned it off.

  11. BarryWDC

    Oh GAWD, I know that when I listen to and watch Rick Santorum, I'm 'sposed to think of patriotism and family values and all that stuff. But I always remember the first definition of "Santorum" on Google–which honored his name as defining the unfortunate splattery bi-product of anal sex and too much lubrication. THAT is how I remember "man on dog" Santorum. May god bless Amurika.

    1. ibwilliamsi

      Need to click on some appropriate "Santorum" google results just to make sure that no one forgets what it is.

  12. polnick

    Individual issues between the presidential candidates are not getting voters excited, that is why they are tied in the polls. Discovering their supporting base should give us a clue to why one candidate is not 20 points ahead of the other. Half the voters must prefer a dark horse that is the only logical conclusion. The candidate that gets the most racists to support him will become the next president.

    1. MittBorg

      I wish someone would ask that cadaverous motherfucker Paul Ryan if he knows that Mitt Romney wrote taxpayer-funded abortion into law and then made $50 million in profit from disposing of the aborted fetuses. Someone RLY needs to ask that holier-than-thou prat that question.

  13. BarackMyWorld

    Chris Matthews just said Santorum didn't talk about welfare reform when he just spent half the speech talking about welfare reform. Good job, Tweety.

  14. Doktor Zoom

    "the little broken hands of the disabled."


    (yes, I said this in the other thread. But you see, I am still vomiting.)

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      I can justify my compulsive stealing of airline puke bags because of situations like this.

    2. littlebigdaddy

      Next time you eat some suspicious mushrooms, just remember this and you can avoid the ipecac.

  15. SorosBot

    Hey, Texan, you know that Martin Luther King and the man responsible for beating the Nazis (FDR) were both, you know, liberals.

      1. Fred_Wertham_Jr

        In the context of a post about Doctors Without Borders (pretend I wrote that in French) it would mean something like "please have sex with these nice people," which I think is a fine and noble sentiment.

  16. SorosBot

    Why do they keep attacking George Bush, anyway? I mean, that's the only thing they can be doing by talking about how horrible the debt he created is.

  17. SorosBot

    He says that we don't want to be Greece – then says we need to turn to free markets instead of government spending. Moran, it's the lack of government spending that has made Greece become such a clusterfuck.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      I must have missed the part where Obama wanted to dump the dollar and sign us up for the euro.

    2. Isyaignert

      Also too, Greece was sold a bucket of chit by the fukkin basturds at Sachs of Goldman. How come that smug little fuk Lloyd Blankfein is still walking around a free man? That little chit should be rotting in a rat-infested cell somewhere very hot or very cold.

  18. BarackMyWorld

    I'm really enjoying the fact that MSNBC is taking a break from the awful speeches for a few minutes.

  19. littlebigdaddy

    The delegates are figuring out that Cruz is a Brown. They are booing him. Good move GOP!

    1. miss_grundy

      I hope Latinos, especially Puerto Ricans, are watching one of their own being booed even though he is a Republican. Despierta, comemierda, tienes que votar Democrata!

  20. PsycWench

    Is it possible that there is an alternate "opposite" universe and we are just glimpsing part of it?

      1. SorosBot

        I've gathered fake goatees for us all to wear until we can grow them for real. Oh and someone dyed her hair blue, which is just as bad as how I lost my friggin' arm.

        1. Isyaignert

          Wow – You lost your arm? I am so terribly sorry; how awful. At least you didn't lose your wit, intelligence, sense of irony or passion for the truth.

  21. MissTaken

    That's mean of them to put a debt clock up knowing that the delegates can't count beyond 1, 2, Oops.

  22. Come here a minute

    One hand, Two hands, Red hands, Blue hands,
    Black hands, Blue hands, Old hands, New hands.
    This one has a little car.
    This one has a little star.
    Say! What a lot of hands there are.

  23. SayItWithWookies

    Who the hell is this pasty little shit? "Government is not the answer?" Really, motherfucker? You know what you're convened in Tampa for, right? If you believe government can't help, then don't vote for someone who also believes that — it's faaaaar too easy a promise to keep, as Dubya showed us.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      Government is not the answer.
      Then go get a job selling diet supplements or something, asshole.

    2. miss_grundy

      If government isn't the answer what are they doing in a building that was built with 62% of it funded by tax payers???????? Why didn't they go to someone's house to have this meeting?

    1. The_Lucky_Wife

      I'm all for firing aderps like Ryan. Amazing how they never include themselves when it comes to cutting "the fat" from government.

  24. BathroomGoblin

    Look, a black man that works for a racist magazine! They say republicans can't compromise.

  25. OurHoboSenator

    Why isn't anyone talking about the shameful fact that Ted Cruz is a CANADIAN? SHOW US THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!!

    1. shebeers

      Judy & Gwen on PBS mentioned his country of origin, and I swear they were trying not to laugh.

  26. JackObin

    America is clearly irrelevent. Embarrassing doesn't begin to describe this nonsense. Why any intelligent person would want to reside here is baffling.

  27. FakaktaSouth

    Artur is my former rep. What a whorish prick. I lost the tv upstairs in the divorce and my kids are watching something way more coherent and important on disney, so I need to know what happens, especially if Ann comes out on that horse naked.

  28. randcoolcatdaddy

    I'm so sorry for the Wonkettz, trapped on the Island of Misfit Toys, unable to escape as the discarded amusements of the past try to get someone to play with them again.

  29. LibertyLover

    I have never heard a Democrat say they have a duty to grow government. I have often heard them say that they want to make it more efficient.

  30. Wadisay

    The stage is designed to look like a nice, comfy living room, to humanize Mitt. Although it's probably a lot smaller than Mitt's actual living room.

  31. rocktonsam

    dude. where is this copper wiring you speak of?

    the price for that shit is way high and so am I and will go a steal it,probably

    1. kittensdontlie

      My neighbor is away for the next week and you are welcome to 'borrow' his wires, switches, etc.

  32. Doktor Zoom

    Why, yes. I certainly do think we live in a country where the powerful get whatever the fuck they want. haven't you been paying attention?

  33. DustBowlBlues

    Hello. Back from vaca and jet-lagged and feeling fresh aches in the old joints. Here I am, however, with nothing clever to say but clinging to my wonkette connection so I know there are people in this this upside down, inside out, country of ours. When my English friends asked how Americans can vote for crazy people, I had no satisfactory answer outside, "They're stupid."

    1. emmelemm

      Welcome back. Whatever you do, DON'T watch the Republican convention. Wonkette comments, OK, actual viewing, not recommended.

  34. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Boy do I feel stupid. I've been watching Hee Haw reruns for 3 hours now thinking it was the RNC.

    1. Arborista

      Well, the GOPer's keep singing,"Gloom, despair & agony on me", so it's an easy mistake to make…

  35. BarackMyWorld

    Cut to clip of Obama personally calling Nikki Haley's parents and telling them they didn't build their business.

  36. Guppy

    Yes, Nikki, that's nice that your parents did the bootstraps thing. How did you come by your money?

  37. Guppy

    The governor of South Carolina is at the Republican convention advocating for states to "go it alone."

    Irony: Dead.

      1. Arborista

        If you mean the Fort Sumter NATIONAL MONUMENT, yes, it's still there… I get the impression that Haley would be happy if Charleston seceded from the rest of the state, though.

    1. SorosBot

      This was probably already covered, but that outfit she was wearing was just blinding; even over the live feed, it was just so bright I could hardly see looking at it. What the fuck was she thinking?

  38. SayItWithWookies

    Newt's commenting now on Davis' speech — the motherfucker thought it was brilliant. Mysteriously, so does Mark Shields. What the hell — it sounded like pandering claptrap by a bad Jesse Jackson impersonator.

    1. Arborista

      It did what is was designed to do. Make elitist assholes think their party is "diverse".
      89% white, indeed…

      1. MittBorg

        Exactly. It's like all the white musicians who played the "knee grow" music during those segregated days. White kids weren't allowed to listen to the real thing, so they thought those white boys were super cool. And their kids grew up to write cringeworthy articles about how the Rolling Stones were making music "in the tradition" of those great black forgotten musicians who were never paid or acknowledged for what was stolen from them. We're so diverse! We have a long tradition of stealing black/brown culture and feeding a pablum version of it to white kids who will then sell it to YOUR kids as totally multicultiCOOL!

        Is my bitterness showing again? Darn.

  39. GlowneyHouse

    Uhhh.. Nikki– Our state has a problem with the Civil Rights act. THAT'S why you can't Voter ID everyone.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      There's no irony in declaring you should have to show your ID to exercise your right to vote because you also have to show it to buy Sudafed or get on an airplane, either.

      1. UW8316154

        And the ID requirement on Sudafed only encouraged the Chinese drug mafia to being importing ephedrine by the container-ship – now they're making meth by the ton, instead of the pound.

      2. shelwood46

        I'm trying to follow that logic. We card for sudafed because of meth, people die if not. We card for planes because of 9/11, people die if not, We card for votes,people die if not?

  40. Antispandex

    OK, I think I get it. You are watching this thing, or even paying any attention at all, sort of like Churchill reading Mein Kampf. Kind of a know your enemy sort of thing? Thanks so much, because I have a weak stomach and I can't really take it.

    1. Arborista

      I watched a little here & there until Ann Romney looked into the camera & said "tonight I want to talk to you about love". I had to give up then…

    2. T3rbo

      Not so much-mein kampf should be respected because ol' hitler actually said "jews are the problem." he didn't say "the banking industry is the problem" or "our hook nosed masters are the problem." he just said "jews." The right can't say 'blacks' or the n word or mexicans, they have to say 'government spending' or 'entitlement'

      Disclaimer: fuck mein kampf, that book is for racist pieces of shit.

  41. SayItWithWookies

    Newt on PBS — look at how many women and minorities we have now! He actually said "We're about to pick up our third African-American" at one point. Just like that guy from Girls Gone Wild might've said.

    1. IceCreamEmpress

      Ha ha Newt you used the outside voice for that one.

      The Dems can beat your numbers just by getting Hopey and family up there.

  42. mayor_quimby

    Is this twat saying, non-union jobs are awesome cuz you can be fired at any time for no reason? But can I get free welfare then?
    Oh, no, but I haz unlimited gunz? Ok, I will working something out to get by.
    Silver bullet? Really, reallly? Seriously? Do they vibrate and run on AAA's?
    I have heard they can give ladies a 'crisis'.

  43. DustBowlBlues

    Being a girl, I get confused when people talk about numbers. Did she say 6,000 scab workers watched an airplane fly?

      1. Arborista

        And SC taxpayers have no idea how many of their tax dollars were used to get Boeing to build their plant here…

  44. BarackMyWorld

    We deserve a president who will do all these things….but we're nominating Mitt Romney anyways.

  45. ibwilliamsi

    Gingrich just compared Romney to Ike. I think that David Brookes just came in his pants a little.

        1. MittBorg

          And a good thing, too. Sheesh. One minute everyone was playing and the next minute, a single forlorn sucker-tipped arm waved briefly from a cuttlefish's mouf.

  46. rocktonsam

    you just know $arah is in the bunker with her arms and fingers crossed , , legs not so much, holding her breath also,waiting for the call from Merika

  47. SayItWithWookies

    Shields just said "Thanks Newt" instead of something more reverent like "Thank you Speaker Gingrich." Newt had to walk off the set while the camera was running — this is gonna hurt like having to leave Air Force One through the back door.

  48. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, she talks to workers at the farmer's market with ease — as though she buys stuff every day — or even interacts with humans of a lesser social status. That's really setting the bar low for pride and accomplishment. Next she'll be able to eat applesauce without help.

  49. LibertyLover

    They sure are trotting out all of the mares tonight. I wonder if Rafalca will be there too?

    Guess not.

  50. DustBowlBlues

    Hey, it's the headliner. Amazing, how robots can mate with humans and produce ahuman/bot hybrids.

  51. sck007

    Empty beer cups are only in the double digits? Obviously, you're holding back in the hopes that something newsworthy occurs and you'll be able to write coherently about it.

    1. shelwood46

      You know, I've known quite a few suburban stay-at-home moms who spent many years as volunteer EMTs. A few who were volunteer firefighters (even one who was a Fire Chief). Somehow, I think Ann would shit her pants at the thought of that.

  52. DustBowlBlues

    Oh, gag me–Nicky is grateful for the first responsers we're laying off and stripping of pensions.

  53. TribecaMike

    I thought Ann Romney's question, "Why do all cats rub their heads against the flaps of opened cardboard boxes the same way?" was quite profound for a Republican.

  54. Designer_Rants

    I watched some Peurto Rican lady tell me the Fascist Party of America's propaganda points for 5 minutes. That's enough. This crap is why Jim gets paid the big bucks.

  55. spareme

    Well Ann, we don't have another child if we can't afford it, if it takes away from our ability to properly care for the children we have. Not everyone is married to a trust fund stealing baby.

  56. FlyOverGirl

    Someone fix Ann's lipstick.

    Oh, those poor people who can't pay their mortgage or don't have the cash for another kid…hahaha, my husband fired you.

  57. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Ann talking about people suffering about not be able to afford shit is just pathetic.
    Really Ann Really?

  58. SorosBot

    OK, has anyone seen Ann Romney and Callista Gingrich in the same room? Can we be sure they are different people?

  59. Doktor Zoom

    The women sigh a bit more than the men. Because they are all dreaming of government-funded birth-control

  60. SayItWithWookies

    "We are the wives — we are the big sisters and the little sisters and the daughters. You know it's true, don't you?"

    Holy fuck — Ann's making up her own Talking Heads lyrics.

    1. NellCote71

      Almost Palinesque, isn't it? We define ourselves by how we relate to men? And we know it's true?

  61. ProgressiveInga


    I said this exact same thing at my first women's music festival in Michigan in 1980. I got laid that night…….

    1. Doktor Zoom

      I like the T-shirts that say, "My friend went to the Michigan womyn's festival and all I got was this lezzie shirt"

    2. MittBorg

      Funny, I was just thinking about the last orgiastic lovefest some years ago. I musta said that to all the laydeez in the room at least once.

  62. Serfville

    Since when does Ann Romney dress like a plain jane school marm? Where's the $100,000 outfits and jewelry dancing horsey lady?

  63. DustBowlBlues

    She hears you women, except for the ones telling her they'll kill themselves if they have to have another baby she and her husband don't want.

  64. obfuscator2

    "the price of gas… school sports fees… the price of feed and stable rent for a dressage horse… just so many struggles."

  65. spareme

    I can see right though this shit. Hey Ann – since we are sisters now, how about helping me find an abortionist since I was raped last month?

  66. DustBowlBlues

    Oh, fuck me. Another poor immigrant story. So why do they hate immigrants so much? Oh, because they're all lazy Mexcans.

  67. C_R_Trogloraptor

    I think I need to post these now, for reference purposes:

    Norquist's "Three Laws of Mittbotics"

    A Mittbot may not Tax a Job Creator or, through inaction, allow a Job Creator to come to harm.

    A Mittbot must obey orders given it by Republicans except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

    A Mittbot must protect its own Tax Returns as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

  68. Monsieur_Grumpe

    He built it all by hinself.
    If Mitt ever held a hammer he'd be a bloody mess in 5 minutes.

  69. An_Outhouse

    those coal miners mitt forced to appear with him would like to get out of the mine too. too bad for them.

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      …. We actually shed a tear and toasted Jesus with our 5th finest Bordeaux when we fired him for stealing cat food even though all of cats died from being crated for 2 weeks while we were in Switzerland counting money for exercise…

      Beer-N-Burgers with the wives after the holiday?

  70. DustBowlBlues

    Oh, fuck me again. The poor college student stories. Why didn't they just borrow money from their parents?

  71. CountryClubJihadi

    Last time my boss asked me to fly a horse from Europe, it cost about $8,000. Due to, you know, fuel prices. So I can relate, Ann. I hear ya, sistah.

    1. Jennyjen798

      Oh you mean one of those marriages where the couple never speaks or acknowledges the other's presence unless someone else is around? The kind where you stick around because you've become accustomed to the income the marriage provides? That sounds…like a real American marriage, actually.

      Look at those Obama's, treating one another like they know what love is! Assholes.

  72. DustBowlBlues

    Clearly, the more active one's uterus, the better person you are. Fuck you, infertile women everywhere.

  73. SayItWithWookies

    You were there when they talked about starting a new company, Ann? Do you remember the talk about borrowing twenty million bucks from Central American death squad leaders?

  74. BarackMyWorld

    With the exception of Bill Clinton, has anyone ever heard a speech from the male spouse of a female politician?

    Because that'd be an excellent reason to nominate a woman for president just by itself.

  75. obfuscator2

    oh my christ she's talking about bain like it was a fucking motorcycle repair shop started in a garage in ann arbor. go eat all the dicks.

    1. BarackMyWorld

      Well, technically, he was already a multi-millionaire when his father died after using his father's connections to get started.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      I was just re-reading a write up on Obama's 2004 speech and one of the big take aways was that teleprompers are not easy to get used to (he hadn't used one before and did multiple run-throughs to work on it). So as usual the GOP just assumed since the blah could do it so well it must be simple.

    1. NellCote71

      She means as opposed to, er, the gayz, and the single mothers who couldn't keep their men because they aren't as purty as she is.

      1. Arborista

        She also means as opposed to marriages with those damned women's lib wives who don't promise to obey their husbands & who work outside the home WHEN THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO…

  76. smitallica

    Yes, that's it. Tout the value of hard work, and then follow it up with a speech by Lady Ann Romney.

    Seriously, these people wouldn't know irony if it expressed its meaning using language or symbols that normally signify the opposite for humorous or emphatic effect.

  77. TribecaMike

    Hey, I just discovered that CSPAN has Harry Truman doing color commentary! Warning: send the kiddies out of the room before watching. On second thought, let 'em stay.

  78. DustBowlBlues

    If Massachusetts was so happy under Mitt (gross thought) why did his approval numbers tank so badly?

  79. SayItWithWookies

    Has anyone heard her mention any accomplishment by Mitt yet? Anything? Because I've been paying attention (except for the flood warning) and haven't heard a fuckin' single accomplishment.

    1. MittBorg

      Does he HAVE any accomplishments? He made a lot of money. He ran Massachusetts and everybody there hated him and never re-elected him again. He ran the Olympics by taking huge amounts of money from taxpayers to fling at those already way overpaid and overvalued eejits. I'm not seeing a whole lot of accomplishment here. He IS good at raising, and making, money. No doubt about that. But so is Warren Buffet, and he's WAY nicer.

      1. HistoriCat

        He passed Obamacare. I mean Romneycare. Oops – that should only be discussed in quiet rooms.

  80. Wadisay

    "He started the John and Abigail Adams scholarship…"

    Oh, so his philanthropy now is a political talking point.

    1. NYNYNYjr

      "…a special scholarship for the descendants of John and Abigail Adams- descendants like our boys, Tag, Marcus, Rick, Biff and Mutt."

    2. MittBorg

      This is NOT an accomplishment, though. If you're very rich, you call your lawyers and tax accountants and tell them what to do. They draw up papers, and you sign them, and they do the rest of that stuff. Once or twice a year you attend a meeting. A couple of times a year you meet with your lawyers and accountants to discuss your charity for tax purposes. Where's the "accomplishment"?

  81. DustBowlBlues

    Objectively, if you ignore the lies (the built it themselves theme must be the most popular lie tonight) this is a good political speech. Funny, how she keeps staring straight ahead of her, almost as if she's using a teleprompter.

  82. SayItWithWookies

    "He still makes me laugh" for I think the third time. Name something funny he's done or said, Ann. Really, it can't be that hard. Show, don't tell, is the writer's basic advice. And if you have to tell but don't show, that leads us to believe that there's nothing to show.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Name something funny he's done or said, Ann.

      That time he tortured the family dog.

      At least we hope that was only once.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      He told an amusing anecdote about layoffs this one time…I guess you had to be there, sipping a good vintage of non-alcoholic sparkling juice…

    3. NYNYNYjr

      He really does have a great sense of humor, it's just that his jokes are all horribly racist. But they are funny, to Ann.

  83. SorosBot

    I just want to know, why the fuck would someone actually pay to make their nose look as horribly ugly as Ann's does now?

    1. NYNYNYjr

      Dance with me America: Mitt Romney 2012 [Note: Dancing will not be permitted in Mormon America]

  84. NellCote71

    Ann Romney. Strongest case for Obama yet. Do you really want to watch this privileged twat for four years instead of Michelle?

  85. Pat_Pending

    Key take-away: Mitt is HI-LA-RIOUS!!!!!

    Honey, your forced laughter every time he flaps his lips does not convince the rest of us…

  86. RadioBowels

    The highlights of Christie's speech:
    * Cutting the fat from gov't.
    * Putting the Feds on a diet.
    * Obama and his supersize ego.
    * The greasy Chicago style pizza politics of the Dems.
    * No more pork.
    * No eating into the Defense Budget.
    * The doughnut hole.

  87. sudsmckenzie

    With a purposeful grimace and a terrible sound
    He pulls the spitting high-tension wires down

    Chris Christie

      1. C_R_Trogloraptor

        Awww, Mama
        can this really be the end?
        To be stuck inside of Tampa
        with the racist blues again.

  88. SchemeZ

    Romney's taking credit for MA education achievement when the reforms were passed in 1993.
    Fucking Fernstrom.

    1. mayor_quimby

      He looks like a giant star in a gas galaxy. And good joke for shitting on your dad, I trust he's dead? Kinda dickish.

  89. obfuscator2

    palin's rnc speech just enraged me. michelle's dnc speech made me cry with joy. ann's speech… meh. i'd give her more credit if she'd pissed me off as much as palin did.

    this stage is very improbable for me because i'm a doublewide load of horseshit. i don't do much ice fishing, either.

  90. Doktor Zoom

    Mom was the Enforcer. She'd put on her skates and body-check us unto the wall, screw the penalty.

      1. MittBorg

        Realistically, you'd probly need something shoulder-fired to make an impact.

        Or you could just nuke it from orbit. It's the only way to be SURE.

  91. BathroomGoblin

    I have no idea what he's getting at. Invade Syria? Colonize the Moon?
    Obviously not ban trans-fats or big-gulps.

  92. SayItWithWookies

    Geeze, what a blathering loudmouth. I thought he was supposed to be the badass orator of the Republican party, and all he's got is this faux-bro lingo going on that he got from How I Met Your Mother. Okay, I guess that makes him the cool Republican.

    1. MittBorg

      What would they staple it TO, Radio? Doesn't fat just, you know, slide around too much? Any muscles in there have long since been overpowered and slowly strangled, heaven knows.

  93. Doktor Zoom

    Our leaders must stop tearing each other down. We will take our country back from that goddamned foreign socialist!

  94. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I saw a shot of Mitt. He looks like he wants all this crap to be over with so he can get on with fucking up the world.

  95. Serfville

    What are they serving backstage for hors devours? French Fried Hamburgers on Glazed Doughnut Buns?

  96. Wadisay

    Haha, some crappy messaging. Ann talks about love; Gov Cheeseburger talks about chosing respect instead of love.

    1. mayor_quimby

      Is there still a Roy Roger's and a glory hole there? I mean do they still have hamburgers….

  97. DustBowlBlues

    It's too bad for the Mexicans that they don't look Welsh, Irish or German, because then the Republicans would call them "heroes."

  98. SayItWithWookies

    Wow — Christie's actually touting the time when he told state troopers "The party's over" while cutting their health benefits. State troopers, for fuck's sake — who would have to pay $24K a year for health insurance if they had to buy it themselves. "Taking on the public sector unions" indeed, you sick motherfucker.

    1. obfuscator2

      he was brave enough to make the tough decision to fuck over a shitload of middle class families. BALLSY.

  99. NellCote71

    Christie just said Repugs are politicians who have led not pandered. Did he wander into the wrong convention?

  100. SayItWithWookies

    "I know the truth, and I'm not afraid to say it — our ideas are right for America and their ideas have failed America."

    Wow. How brave to say in a stadium full of people who agree with you. Purple fucking heart.

    1. MittBorg

      I'm just reading the Heard Museum's recording of Native Voices, and a lady is talking about the US soldiers beating her grandfather to death because he was too old and frail to keep up on the march. Before the horrified eyes of his family.

  101. spareme

    Since I cannot watch this guy, I have amusing myself with watching the audience. Or lemmings. Or whatever they are.

  102. C_R_Trogloraptor

    10:41 — Liquified ham sandwiches are being sent up his butt via a reverse-enema, every three seconds. This could backfire quite literally!

    That sentence, all by itself, just made me throw up. Thanks!

  103. SorosBot

    Wait, if seniors want entitlement programs to survive for their grandchildren, why does Christie support Paul Ryan who wants to destroy Medicare for everyone under 55?

  104. DustBowlBlues

    Republithugs assume seniors will sacrifice their grandchildren, hence Medicare doesn't disappear until the kids need it.

  105. SayItWithWookies

    "Our seniors are not selfish."

    No — they'll even paddle the ice floe you leave them on out into the sea. I mean, they're too lean to use for anything but stock anyway, so why not?

  106. Self-Uploader

    Their ideas have failed???? Their ideas took the US out of a depression, defeated fascism, and built a postwar middle-class with stuff like the GI Bill from which your family benefited asshole.

  107. BarackMyWorld

    Small logic point: if every classroom has the best teacher…can they all be the best? Just saying.

  108. ph7

    Christie just said teacher should not expect good pay – they love kids instead. Tell Mitt that he worked for Bain because he loved creating jobs, and he should not expect to make more than $50k a year for it.

    And he's got a weird tan.

    1. Guppy

      Christie just said teacher should not expect good pay – they love kids instead.

      Funny, the Catholic Church says the same thing to its priests…

  109. BarackMyWorld

    People don't become teachers because they want to be rich…so let's cut their pay and benefits. Dick.

  110. SorosBot

    He's talking about teachers? Chris Christie has the gall to talk about teachers, after the shit he did to them in New Jersey? He slashed their pay and benefits and fired a bunch of them. He hates teachers; and as the son, brother, nephew, grandson and cousin of many teachers, let me tell you they hate him too.

      1. MittBorg

        I'm tellin' ya. I knew it was the drogas when the little purple things popped out of his nose and started dancing around and squeaking in high-pitched voices.

  111. BathroomGoblin

    Oh, just choke to death.
    Who last drove the economy off the cliff? Now he gurgles on about 'truth telling'.
    Fuck you.

  112. Doktor Zoom

    Huh. This is the same guy who five minutes ago was saying "Our leaders must stop tearing each other down."

  113. spareme

    I am so glad my yellow-dog democrat Mother, who went through the depression in rural Alabama, went through WW2 eating grits and oatmeal, is not alive to see this. Then again, the amusement factor would be great.