you didn't build that ronald reagan did

Liveblogging Tampa Tuesday: Ann Romney, Governor Sandwiches, And Other Heroes

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Mmm, alien dickSome good news on this, the first real night of the Republican National Convention: The Baltimore Orioles are beating the Chicago White Sox 6-0 in the bottom of the 8th inning, (hopefully) allowing them to maintain the wild card lead for another night. There’s bad news too: It’s the first real night of the Republican National Convention. So far we’ve been tuning in and seen 175,032 different people saying, “DERR DERR, remember when Obama said he built all those small businesses, well, DEERRRRR, SPLAT, he didn’t, now I’m gonna do some copper wiring.” We Built That is the theme! Let’s liveblog these meatballs for an hour and a half or so while we bring the empty beer count to double digits…

9:20 — Look, it’s Rick Santorum! [smoke break]
9:22 — Santorum’s son can’t be there because he’s starting at the Citadel, chasing one of the .1 females on campus with a spiked club. We’re proud of you, son!
9:23 — Poor mothers don’t get married because they have welfare, we must end welfare, etc.
9:26 — Somehow he transitioned from that to President Obama “waiving the work requirement” for welfare! Zimzamzoom, those segues go. When President Obama is waiving laws, “we can no longer be a Republic.” We thought Kelly Ayotte bragging about how her husband quit his commercial pilot track to bomb people in Iraq and then sell lemonade or whatever was the worst speech of the night, but now here’s Weird Rick!
9:28 — Santorum is talking about all the hands he’s shaken. Man hands, lady hands, war hands, small business hands, sad hands, happy hands, “hands growing weary of not finding” a job, “little broken hands of the disabled” (no seriously), hands that give us joy, black hands, white hands, space hands, hands hands hands — he’s just a handsie kinda guy!
9:32 — Hands across the water, hands across the sky.


9:34 — Well Rick Santorum is still the biggest shitsack in the lower 48, glad to know that. And here’s the new GOP white Mexican of the hour, Ted Cruz!
9:36 — He’s dumped the podium and is just walking around on the stage like a televangelist. “I want to tell you a love story.” Great, that’s exactly what we wanted to hear from Ted Cruz. Oh, ha, the love story is about the Constitution. George Washington came all over that Constitution, and that’s how we learned to grow maize.
9:41 — Ted Cruz is awful. Other than that, no news to report.
9:44 — “Let me give you a government check, and make you depend on the government. And don’t bother to learn English” — what a major party United States Senate candidate thinks a Democratic bureaucrat says, to humans.
9:46 — Who is this guano-gargling asshole?
9:47 — Hey it’s Artur Davis, former Democrat. Let’s care?…
9:48 — “We’ve got a country to turn around.” Dude, you’re unemployed.
9:50 — ‘WOOKIES, FROM THE COMMENTS SECTION: “Ugh — this fundamentalist disabled-child-fetishism is exactly the opposite of compassion and really quite repugnant.” Stop making fun of Ann Romney’s MS, guys.
9:55 — Well, Artur Davis is a titanic whore.
9:57 — Hey, it’s Nikki Haley!
9:58 — Nikki Haley, also, too, corrects the President on his apparent false claim that he was the proprietor of Nikki Haley’s parents’ small business.
9:59 — Haley is wearing a full 743% of the collective wealth of South Carolina on her shirt.
10:00 — She compares requiring voter ID to requiring ID to buy Sudafed at a drug store. Eh, making sure people can vote is probably more important than letting people get a drug company profit-booster, you fucking asshole. (PhRMA Lobbyists will disagree.)
10:04 — Always amazed when governors try to get credit for balancing their budgets when 49 of them are required to balance their budgets each year. (With a healthy dose of federal money.)
10:06 — Oh, lest we forget: She describes a fancy new non-union “Mack Daddy Plane” that her state’s gonna build, in their non-union plants. “Mack Daddy Plane.”
10:07 — Here is a Mexican lady from Puerto Rico [smoke break]
10:11 — Ann, Ann, she’s our Ann, if she can’t do it, Ann Ann Ann! Hurry up so the fat guy can talk, please.
10:12 — Ann thanks the first responders from ________.
10:13 — “I want to talk to you from my heart, about… our hearts.” “Tonight, I want to talk to you about love” STARBURSTS!
10:15 — Good time to note that Ann Romney has never worked a day in her life.
10:16 — “I love you WOOOOMMMMEEEEENNN!” Has she been stealing painkillers from Cindy McCain’s charity like Cindy McCain used to do?
10:18 — SMOKEFILLEDROOMMATE, IN THE COMMENTS SECTION: “Young girls in audience: ‘I’m gonna be a mommy! Yay!'”
10:19 — “I am the granddaughter of a Welsh coal miner.” Ann Romney’s had it tough.
10:21 — “We got married and moved into a basement apartment.” WOOOO!
10:22 — “Well, that was 42 years ago and I’ve survived.” Really should’ve started and ended the story with that.
10:23 — “What Mitt and I have is a real marriage.” The crowd is going nuts for that dumb line… because it’s not a Gay Marriage?
10:25 — Your Wonkette, for one, would like to hear more about this “being poor at 22” concept. What is that kind of obscure poverty like? (Also, you weren’t.)
10:26 — Ann was there in those trying early days when Mitt Romney, son of the Governor of Michigan, had just gotten his MBA and JD degrees from Harvard and was “starting out.”
10:30 — This speech sucks!
10:30 — Mitt “brought me home from that dance.” Whose house?
10:32 — Mittens in on stage! Are those Mittbot… tears? Thank god the gofer remembered to get those at the CVS.
10:32 — Ooh, a montage of Chris Christie berating children!
10:35 — Oh my god you guys, the FATTEST PERSON WE HAVE EVER SEEN just walked onto the stage. Ha ha ha!
10:36 — Did you see him walk on stage? Waddle waddle waddle, whee!
10:38 — Chris Christie’s parents were the poorest people who have ever lived. Mom took 64 buses to work, and made no money, ever.
10:39 — Chris Christie taught his sons on “the field of mendom.”
10:40 — When is he going to smash an ice cream cone in some joe’s face on the boardwalk?
10:41 — Liquified ham sandwiches are being sent up his butt via a reverse-enema, every three seconds. This could backfire quite literally!
10:42 — Quick Midspeech Wonkette Interview!

Jim: Yo give me a quote for my RNC liveblog
Former Wonkette editor Sara K. Smith: You think I’m watching that new modern trash?

10:44 — This is a rather boring, formulaic speech from the big lug. “They said we couldn’t do it… we did it!” choruses and all that.
10:48 — “They believe in pitting unions against teachers… they believe in unions, we believe in teachers.” Direct Contradictions/Santelli ’16?
10:52 — Mitt Romney looks absolutely terrified when Christie mentions his name. Who is this shifty-eyed hoodlum?
10:55 — The biggest lie of the night is when all of these speakers say they have “faith in America.” They all have private jets ready to pop off to Singapore five minutes after the call.
10:57 — If we have to hear another goddamn politician claim that they’re destroying social programs because they care about their “children and grandchildren”…
10:59 — Chris Christie is ordering people to stand up! STAND UP OR GET SHOT AND DIE.
11:00 — Thank god, it’s over. We’ve got nothing else to say– Oh my god, 3 Doors Down is playing onstage now. LIVEBLOG OVER.

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • FlyOverGirl

    Oh, Santorum. Always talking about the dead – the fetuses or the olds.

    • NellCote71

      But no care for the living.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      He is a creepy fucker.

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Yes, Santorum I think is officially the creepiest guy in the GOP…which is saying A LOT (Kilmeade, Doochey, Limblob, the entire religious right and tea party…). I didn't watch the speech, I COULDN'T watch the speech, I tried but I kept saying "shut the fuck up Santorum" after every line and I think my neighbors were becoming worried there was an assault about to go down…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Dude, we bots have to stick together on this. No getting the popos involved.

  • Come here a minute

    The latest from Huckabee: Mitt Romney is your asshole doctor.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Hey, MY asshole is right on the end of my ass, where it belongs. If Mitt can't find an ass to which to belong, that's his lookout. And stop calling me doctor.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      I've been loving the whole line of "You don't have to like the guy to want him to become President."
      Jesus-jumping-jack-Christ. Have they just basically given up? Do they realize what message that sends?
      "We hate him but he's all we've got!"

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Just, I mean, just … geeze. "When you have brain cancer, you don't care if your surgeon's a jerk"? And Christie grandstanding for all he's worth with his eye on 2016. Ann Romney must feel like she's chewing on nails.

      • BerkeleyBear

        One of the most telling statements at the DNC in 2004 (I think it was on the Daily Show, but I could be wrong) was when a delegate said "I'd nominate a ham sandwich over bush" in response to questions of Kerry's charisma. Pretty strong tell you are gonna have a hard time with anyone who needs to be converted.

        And yeah, I'm enjoying the hell out of the shoe being on the GOP foot this time.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    Somebody call 311, I can't stop saying "Fuck You, White Boy!" over and over again.

    • T3rbo

      Right? Total Aryan Youth rally

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    "In America we believe in the freedom and the responsibility that comes with it."

    Except for paying taxes and tithing, which are for the poor. Anyone else notice that Mitt tithes at 7%? It's indicative of the GOP's math problems.

    • NellCote71

      Mmm. I did not notice that as I froth at the mouth every time I think that he pays less than half of what I pay in taxes. Another thing, my parents were blue-collar poor, but I remember distinctly their figuring the pittance of a family budget so they could tithe 10 percent to the Presbyterian Church, so it really enrages when he gets on his pious high horse (as opposed to his prancy, dancy Olympic horse) about how much he tithes. BFD, Romney, BFD.

    • miss_grundy

      He only tithes at 7%?? But I thought that in order to tithe correctly, you had to at least tithe 10%. So he can't even tithe correctly? How did this asshat become so rich if he can't even do basic mathematics–by cheating????!!!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Imagine that! Cheating! Who'd'a thunk?

    • Ducksworthy

      Well to be fair, he also gave millions to the Mormon Prop 8 campaign. Of course, that was with the promise that they'd pay him back by giving him millions in 2012.

  • ph7

    What's Wolf doing in that pic? Biting his tongue so he doesn't call Isaac's victims so poor and so black?

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      I thought it was Wolf too. I thought it was Wolf doing what comes natural at the RNC convention. Puking.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      My offer of $500 for a photo of Editrix running down a hall with Steve Doocy's hairpiece is still open.

  • fartknocker

    Grandpa Santorum never got any gubermint aid but I'll bet he was happy when the Mine Safety Act was passed.

    • SorosBot

      Grandpa Santorum fled the fascists in Italy. Who wanted to kill him because he was a Communist. Rick for some reason leaves that last part out.

      Oh and I'm not joking:
      http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/01/11/

      • littlebigdaddy

        GRANDPA Santorum I think I would have liked. We'd have shared a glass of Sangiovese and sung the Internationale. BABY Santorum can go fuck himself.

        • Biff

          I hope you don't mean Gabriel!

      • Willardbot9000_V2.5

        No doubt a trade unionist/communist…was granpa Santorum one of the dreaded Wobblies? I'll bet if he were alive he'd strangle Ricky boy with his still born child's umbilical cord weird Rick no doubt keeps in his wallet. I was just thinking about that…not to make too much fun but, his wife had a still born and Santorum took the dead fetus-child and made the living children hug it….and no one objected? Not his wife? the doctor? his priest? no.one.objected.to.forcing.children.to.handle.a.dead.fetus….

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You do know that most of Rick's family would admire to kick his ass black and blue, right?

  • bumfug

    Most honest part so far was when the convention-goers shouted down their own Puerto Rican delegate with USA USA chants because brown with accent = illegal-job-thieving-drug-mule.

    • AutomaticPilot

      Chanting "USA, USA!!" pretty much solves any problem there is.

    • Barrelhse

      The fucking asswipes will probably prove to be the majority of "eligible" voters in November.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Do you think teh Brownz&Blackz who are watching might finally be getting the message that the Republican party does NOT like, support, or care for them in the slightest?

      • ibwilliamsi

        Shutthefuckup! There aren't any BrownzorBlackz watching that shit!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Geez, OK. (checks pockets for drogas) Here, would you like a lollipop? It's *very* tasty. (Hands it over)

      • NellCote71

        Don't forget the wimmenz. I have rarely been as condescended to as I was by Ann's speech. Goddammit, Repugs, not all of us are vacuous and stupid and think you hang the moon just because of that thang between your legs.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Indeed. I'm being treated to the sight of the Republicans, who passed 300 bills to control women's health and welfare, patting the entire female half of the population on the head while telling them there is no war on women, and if there is it's the mean ol' Democrats who are doing it.

          What they're doing to the LGBTQ community is beyond belief.

        • Willardbot9000_V2.5

          You know she was reaching out to the "math is hard!" women who supported Palin in 2008. What I think is funny is adding the unspoken words at the end of every line she referenced her child raising years with: "because the servants told me". That also explains the condescending tone, she only deals with people who work for her husband who are by definition, lower beings…

    • Negropolis

      It's like they keep digging up the corpse of irony and defiling all over again.

  • BathroomGoblin

    He had a fetus in his shirt pocket, right behind the flag pin.

    • AutomaticPilot

      It's planning to go on a date later with Barbara Bush's jar fetus.

      • Biff

        That's the real love story, Jarbara and Gabriel…

      • NellCote71

        rematch.com?

      • viennawoods13

        Dammit, I shouldn't have laughed, but I did.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Shorter Santorum: Government can't fix the economy, but can impose morality.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Even shorter Santorum: Hand Jobs!

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      even shorter Santorum: I likes dead fetuses and hates the ghey

      • Oblios_Cap

        I hate the gOP

        • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

          I hate

  • sudsmckenzie

    Ann Romney, I'm expecting a Tijuana -esq "equestrian show" or I'm flipping over to Storage Wars.

    • Arborista

      You think you'll even see a hint of her temple garments?

      • Native_of_SL_UT

        I've been thinking about those temple garments lately. After Romney's "Birth Certificate" joke the Right so soundly defended, I keep hoping Obama will make a "magic underwear" joke.
        Everybody would also defend that as needing a little levity in the campaigns too, right?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Let me guess: you're white.

        • Arborista

          Nah- Obama doesn't need to be going there, but someone needs to get deputized…

          • NellCote71

            Amen. Joe?

    • emmelemm

      Hey man, Storage Wars is entertaining!

      • vulpes82

        YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

      • sudsmckenzie

        I come for the Barry, I stay for the Brandy.

        • emmelemm

          I love Barry, because even though he occasionally rambles on that "he needs the money" or "this unit better pay off", he CLEARLY doesn't need the money (and doesn't give a fuck).

          Whenever he finds something really cool, that's worth a ton of dough, he ends up keeping it!

    • GeorgiaBurning

      that brings back memories, though I think Rafalca is a mare

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Ann Romney's entire reason for electing Mitt is he didn't date-rape her. Think about that.

  • Wadisay

    Hard work is the key to hard work.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Allow me to translate that into Republicanese.
      More money is the key to more money.

      • Sparky McGruff

        Being willing and able to screw over anyone and everyone to make some scratch is the Romney way.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I built this! 1,000

  • bumfug

    Even when it's obviously a fork, Wolf always looks like he's gobbling cock.

  • ChernobylSoup

    I had to turn off the TV. I hate these people and everything they say and think and do so much it was starting to make me want cut myself.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      What a coincidence. It made me want to cut you too. (and everybody else)

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Yes, Repuglycuntz can bring the stabby-hatey to impressive levels all by their lonesome, can't they?

    • NellCote71

      I feel your pain. So blindingly white, too.

    • miss_grundy

      I turned on PBS just to watch NewsHour and I could only take it for a minute. I would rather watch a cheesy movie from the 80s on the This network than watch those asshats for an hour.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      (Hugs ChernobylSoup) There, there. Don't let the bastards get you down. Always remember, it's just as easy to cut someone *else.* If not easier, because, you know, if you're dyslexic, you get left and right mixed up and you can't do it in a mirror anyway, because the blood gets all over every … why is everybody staring at me?

      • AlterNewt
        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          OMG, I fucking LOVE IT. ThankyewsewMUCH, AlterNewt!

          It's *just* the kind of thing I'd do, too.

    • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      Booze helps.

    • Isyaignert

      I end up with Republicon tourettes whenever I hear one of those fukheads. Jeezuz fuk we're a bunch of dumb@sses in 'merika!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Well, in all fairness, not ALL of us. (looks around, steps back into the protective circle of Teh Wonketz)

  • BarackMyWorld

    YOU DIDN'T WRITE THAT!

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      I can't watch. Are there any teleprompters there?

      • BarackMyWorld

        Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.

        Santorum was trying to say he helped write the 1996 welfare reform law in a way that Obama couldn't waive the work requirements, which is an amazing mountain of bullshit in multiple ways.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      COTD!

      No, of the entire week!

  • SorosBot

    Yes, the local community must be in charge of our schools; otherwise kids might learn facts, instead of being taught that the Earth is 6000 years old and the stars are on a fixed sphere that rotates around it and the planets and Sun which also revolve around the Earth.

    • BathroomGoblin

      Solar fusion is a MYTH.

      • SorosBot

        And the theory of relativity is just propaganda for moral relativism!

        (This is what conservapedia actually claims).

        • glasspusher

          Why did they leave out of the bible the part where Jesus describes how things look from his POV when he's riding on a light beam?

        • Native_of_SL_UT

          The theory of gravity is also a myth.
          Listen to these guys and you'll realize it's just that the whole world sucks.

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            ISWYDT

        • Willardbot9000_V2.5

          Hah! Andy has more brain fart claims than that one, doozy as it is. Did you know black holes are just lib-speak to get people to stop reading their bibles? And there are "conservative" words and "liberal" words (that only Andy knows..) and the "conservative" words are winning? That man is a one-man band of crazy.

    • NellCote71

      Or, like Texas Republicans did, write into your party platform that you are against critical thinking. I am glad I am 64. I do not want to be around in 30 or 40 years.

      • Native_of_SL_UT

        I keep hoping that in 30 or 40 years the Federation will finally be in charge.

        • GhostBuggy

          At this point, I'd take Kahn and his gang.

          • SorosBot

            Fuck, I'd rather be assimilated by the Borg than Romney.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Cough.

          • SorosBot

            He's still preferable to the Dominion though. Of course I wouldn't put it past Romney to have everyone genetically engineered to worship his people as gods like they did to the Vorta.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            (Leads SB off to Quiet Room for swifter assimilation)

        • Willardbot9000_V2.5

          or maybe we could find LV-426 and get all the Repubs attacked by face huggers? Think of all the quiet we'd have and the Xenomorphs would have plenty of nutrients in those fat bags of shit to live off. Then we get to watch them explode out their chests on tv! Marcus Bachmann would die with a smile knowing he gave birth to something that looks quite like a penis with sharp teeth….

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            That's all I need to accompany me into sweet sleep. The thought of Marcus Bachmann's dick reborn as a monster with giant teeth and TWO heads. (My dick is a MONster!)

          • Arborista

            Maybe think about this instead?:
            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weJe7WeJ0LE

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Sweet. You know how you can listen to something and it makes your fingers stop typing? Thank you.

          • Willardbot9000_V2.5

            To amplify your horror: http://images.wikia.com/annex/images/8/80/Alien-T… Now imagine that popping out of Marcus Bachmann's flabby, saggy moob chest and a smile on his painted lips and the picture is complete.

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      woah, woah woah there nerd bot science boy…who said anything about there being 'stars' in the sky? Those are the twinkly eyes of angels watching EVERYTHING we do (except for when our moral betters have gay sex or commit embezzlement or cheat with their secretary, etc.)…and the world IS 6,000 years old, the Earth NEVER changes! Methinks you are edging too closely toward believing the universe doesn't revolve around the Earth, either…

    • T3rbo

      HERETIC!

  • SorosBot

    "Obama rules like he is above the law" how exactly? Really Rick, give one example where he has done this – unlike his predecessor who illegally created a gulag and ordered torture without any authorization in the law.

    • BerkeleyBear

      The fact he hasn't done it is just evidence of his intention to do it if he gets re-elected.

      • glasspusher

        Exactly. Their paranoia is justified because they're paranoid.

    • IceCreamEmpress

      Eh, the drones thing pisses me off. But still voting for Bammers nonetheless.

    • miss_grundy

      Because as President, Obama gets to sign bills that tells WHITE PEOPLE what they have to do…

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Zactly!

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      One thing I liked about the Newsroom was when Jeff Daniels started grilling the idiots on their claims: "name 3 freedoms you've lost as a result of Obama's presidency, senator Santorum"…"Obamacare!" "have you had to change your doctor? has your wife, your children? has anyone you know had to change their doctor?" "stammer, stammer…" (GOP convention douche pulls the plug on the idea).

    • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

      Hey, Shrub's pet Asian told him torture was ok, so it's not his fault… just like everything else that went wrong, (pretty much everything), cause it all somehow magically transferred into Obama's first term as President.

  • ChernobylSoup

    There were times in my childhood and adolescence when I told a lie so much with such ferocity that eventually I would believe it. Don't most people grow out of that? Republicans never stop, do they?

    • Isyaignert

      'specially when there's this thing called "Lying for the Lord" that Rmoney employs 24/7.

  • Wadisay

    I bet Santorum didn't clasp any hands that held rap CDs.

    • TribecaMike

      Not even the ones with Tipper stickers?

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Santorum's getting all handsy. Watch out, kids.

    • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      I will see Gilliam-esque nightmarescapes of hands rising from fresh gravesites, only to be cut off like flower blooms, in my dreams tonight. Hence, the whisky.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Well thankyewveddymuch for sharing.

  • BarackMyWorld
  • FlyOverGirl

    Yay, sex before marriage leads to poverty.

    • ph7

      I'm glad I've taken a vow of poverty.

    • NellCote71

      Wasn't his sainted wife living with a doctor before she hooked up with frothy mixture?

      • MosesInvests

        An abortionist, yet!

      • Arborista

        Yes, and poverty still exists. See?

        • Oblios_Cap

          poverty is only for poor people.

  • littlebigdaddy

    That Gov. McDonnell makes Miss Lindsey look positively butch!

  • Poindexter718

    OMG Santorum is all over America's hands!!!
    Wash up, America! Now!!

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Ugh — this fundamentalist disabled-child-fetishism is exactly the opposite of compassion and really quite repugnant.

    • PsycWench

      Some disabilities are detectable with amnio or ultrasound, which leads to this interesting fact: Greatly reduce healthcare availability and women are going to abort a pregnancy with a disabled child that they might have wanted to carry to term. Sounds a little counterproductive, no?

      • NellCote71

        Not when abortion is outlawed, except for those who can afford it, of course.

    • ibwilliamsi

      How are their disabled children going to figure out how to buy the right insurance every year with a death coupon when they're gone?

    • littlebigdaddy

      As the father of a disabled child, I can say that you are right on. Thankfully, mine has intact hands.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I saw Ann Romney on the news today talking about what her father told her on his death bed just minutes before he died. Her writers are really stretching the tear jerk crap. I imagine her speach tonight will induce vomiting and diabetes at the same time.

    • Wadisay

      She will talk about how she learned to let go of calling Rafalca "Loser".

    • NellCote71

      Darest one hope for a slide show of McNaughton and Kinkade paintings in the background?

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Thank you Ann for sharing your Father's most personal moments for political gain. I'm sure he would be proud.

      • Arborista

        He was a politician too. And an atheist who got converted to LDS a year after he died. http://bit.ly/Pq2GOW

        • e_z

          Oh, a retroactive Later Day Saint? Like Mitt's retroactive Baine resignation.

          Truely faith is a wonderful thing, eh?

        • Negropolis

          Her story just burns me up every time I hear it. She was raised better than what she became.

    • Barrelhse

      What did he tell her? What did he tell her?
      "Don't swallow!"?

      • shelwood46

        "For fuck's sake, don't you dare baptize me as a Mormon."

    • ThundercatHo

      I call bullshit. I've been with several ill people right before they died. They are in a comatose state and are unresponsive for quite a while before they actually expire. Lying sack of shit much?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Depends on age and condition. Mom literally popped off while the nurse had her back turned. Massive heart attack.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Hi Z, dahlink. Did you bring teh carmel popcorn?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Sure thing, babycakes. (Hugs you) Settle on in, I'll pour the wine or soda.

        • ThundercatHo

          Sorry about your mom, sweetie. Guess I was trying to say it's not like the movies or Egg's fantasy life. My mom is almost 85 and is still going strong. I really hope when she goes it's in the middle of a spine-straightening orgasm with her new husband or some dramatic collapse on the dance floor. My mother-in-law had a massive MI too but lingered in a coma for several days.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Hey, TcH! No worries, I couldn't stand her and I was really relieved not to have to wait on her hand and foot any more. But I do get your drift. Wow, it's so cool that your Mom's still going strong! Mine popped her clogs in her 85th year and, our many years of enmity aside, I'm very glad she went quick and painlessly. Dad finally passed a year ago, at 96, and that was awful. I'm kinda hoping I go like my Mom or, quite frankly, better yet, YOURS. A spine-straightening orgasm sounds like just the thing for this ancient spine! (Hugs the TcH)

          • Isyaignert

            Sounds like you've got some good genes working for ya MtitBorg – good thing too, because we like you around here – we really like you!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Aw, that is SO sweet, isya. Thanks! (Hugs isyaignert)

    • ibwilliamsi

      Did he say "Don't make me a Mormon!"?

  • BathroomGoblin

    What makes you more nauseous: the pulsating background or the pulsating asshole.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      I don't know. I do know what won't be pulsating for a while though.

    • Angry_Marmot

      One of them big queen bugs from Starship Troopers is using a Santorum hand puppet. That's what makes his mouth do that.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      I noticed that. I only watched a few minutes of Krispy Khristie and, at first, I thought I was hallucinating. Then I thought maybe it was supposed to induce some hypnotic effect on viewers. So I turned it off.

  • BarryWDC

    Oh GAWD, I know that when I listen to and watch Rick Santorum, I'm 'sposed to think of patriotism and family values and all that stuff. But I always remember the first definition of "Santorum" on Google–which honored his name as defining the unfortunate splattery bi-product of anal sex and too much lubrication. THAT is how I remember "man on dog" Santorum. May god bless Amurika.

    • ChernobylSoup

      That was the Lord's work.

      • BarryWDC

        Can I get an Amen?

    • ibwilliamsi

      Need to click on some appropriate "Santorum" google results just to make sure that no one forgets what it is.

  • polnick

    Individual issues between the presidential candidates are not getting voters excited, that is why they are tied in the polls. Discovering their supporting base should give us a clue to why one candidate is not 20 points ahead of the other. Half the voters must prefer a dark horse that is the only logical conclusion. The candidate that gets the most racists to support him will become the next president.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Excuse me, but what the actual fuck?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Troll Alert.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Either that or just got the cray cray real bad.

          • Biff

            After reading his shit at Intense Debate, I'm voting for that.

        • Butch_Wagstaff

          Has to be. I read the comment three times and couldn't make since of it.

  • SorosBot

    I wish someone would ask embryo-fetishist Ricky what he thinks about legitimate rape.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I wish someone would ask that cadaverous motherfucker Paul Ryan if he knows that Mitt Romney wrote taxpayer-funded abortion into law and then made $50 million in profit from disposing of the aborted fetuses. Someone RLY needs to ask that holier-than-thou prat that question.

    • Boojum

      Most of these fucks, if answering honestly, would say, "In favor."

  • BarackMyWorld

    Chris Matthews just said Santorum didn't talk about welfare reform when he just spent half the speech talking about welfare reform. Good job, Tweety.

  • SorosBot

    Another lie! The state of Texas is in no way, shape or form "great".

  • Doktor Zoom

    "the little broken hands of the disabled."

    I MAY NEVER STOP VOMITING

    (yes, I said this in the other thread. But you see, I am still vomiting.)

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      I can justify my compulsive stealing of airline puke bags because of situations like this.

      • C_R_Trogloraptor

        Now that's a good plan. Why didn't I think of this during the Shrub Administration?

    • littlebigdaddy

      Next time you eat some suspicious mushrooms, just remember this and you can avoid the ipecac.

    • Barrelhse

      Who broke their little hands? That's what I wanna know.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Obama's Chicago-style union thugs, of course.

        • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

          Do Chicago-style union thugs come with pickle, tomato, and celery salt?

    • Angry_Marmot

      Go to your Happy Place.

    • Biff

      I'm kinda disabled, and my hands work fine.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I was just thinking the same thing. I may be a gimp, but my hands are just fine, fuckyouverymuch, Rick Fecalube.

  • Doktor Zoom

    It's the story…of a man named Brady….

  • SorosBot

    Hey, Texan, you know that Martin Luther King and the man responsible for beating the Nazis (FDR) were both, you know, liberals.

    • Doktor Zoom

      MLK was a Republican!!!!!!!! And Eisenhower beat the Nazis!!!!! Because Reagan!

      • Arborista

        Whatcha drinking tonight, Dok? I think I want some.

  • http://www.toastcat.com Fred_Wertham_Jr

    "Fuck these people" is going to work as a comment for every post for the rest of the week. Not just at Wonkette, either.

    • Doktor Zoom

      OK, fine, then I WON'T do that post about Doctors Without Borders. Jeeze.

      • C_R_Trogloraptor

        Or the one about the porcupines?

      • http://www.toastcat.com Fred_Wertham_Jr

        In the context of a post about Doctors Without Borders (pretend I wrote that in French) it would mean something like "please have sex with these nice people," which I think is a fine and noble sentiment.

  • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

    This (glorious) live- blog is as close as I can get to the assholes at this convention of hate.
    (I'd rather watch the Yankees beat the Jays.)

  • BathroomGoblin

    This guy must have hated Bush.

  • SorosBot

    Why do they keep attacking George Bush, anyway? I mean, that's the only thing they can be doing by talking about how horrible the debt he created is.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I thought the party line was that he was never president.

  • SorosBot

    He says that we don't want to be Greece – then says we need to turn to free markets instead of government spending. Moran, it's the lack of government spending that has made Greece become such a clusterfuck.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      I must have missed the part where Obama wanted to dump the dollar and sign us up for the euro.

    • Isyaignert

      Also too, Greece was sold a bucket of chit by the fukkin basturds at Sachs of Goldman. How come that smug little fuk Lloyd Blankfein is still walking around a free man? That little chit should be rotting in a rat-infested cell somewhere very hot or very cold.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I'm really enjoying the fact that MSNBC is taking a break from the awful speeches for a few minutes.

  • MissTaken

    Government takeovers, you mean like bailing out the banks like GW Bush did?

  • littlebigdaddy

    The delegates are figuring out that Cruz is a Brown. They are booing him. Good move GOP!

    • MosesInvests

      Really? They're booing Cruz? Good!

    • miss_grundy

      I hope Latinos, especially Puerto Ricans, are watching one of their own being booed even though he is a Republican. Despierta, comemierda, tienes que votar Democrata!

  • PsycWench

    Is it possible that there is an alternate "opposite" universe and we are just glimpsing part of it?

    • emmelemm

      This IS the darkest timeline.

      • SorosBot

        I've gathered fake goatees for us all to wear until we can grow them for real. Oh and someone dyed her hair blue, which is just as bad as how I lost my friggin' arm.

        • Biff

          Damn, what would Santorum think of that? Not the hair, the arm?

        • Isyaignert

          Wow – You lost your arm? I am so terribly sorry; how awful. At least you didn't lose your wit, intelligence, sense of irony or passion for the truth.

    • ThundercatHo

      Do the little dogs have spikes and horns? (Warning: STOS reference)

      • viennawoods13

        Sheffield Teachers' Operatic Society?

    • Negropolis

      I know, right? I'm just waiting for the Smoke Monster to rear its faceless head.

      • bobbert

        I think it looks like Ryan now.

  • MissTaken

    That's mean of them to put a debt clock up knowing that the delegates can't count beyond 1, 2, Oops.

    • SorosBot

      Now, most of them can count to 10; 20 if they take off their shoes.

      • MissTaken

        23 if they can use their teeth

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          21 if they don't have to.

  • Come here a minute

    One hand, Two hands, Red hands, Blue hands,
    Black hands, Blue hands, Old hands, New hands.
    This one has a little car.
    This one has a little star.
    Say! What a lot of hands there are.

    • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

      "Look at these hands!" "The hands of a Government Man" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_OUj1o4FvI

    • viennawoods13

      little broken hands

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Tiny little plastic doll hands like Kirsten Wiig used in that SNL skit about the Lenox sisters (?) on Lawrence Welk?

        • bobbert

          Lennon.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Yeah.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Who the hell is this pasty little shit? "Government is not the answer?" Really, motherfucker? You know what you're convened in Tampa for, right? If you believe government can't help, then don't vote for someone who also believes that — it's faaaaar too easy a promise to keep, as Dubya showed us.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Aaaaaannnnnnd here's Bobby!
      Where's my gubbermint MONEY Obama?
      Ironic no?

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Government is not the answer.
      Then go get a job selling diet supplements or something, asshole.

    • miss_grundy

      If government isn't the answer what are they doing in a building that was built with 62% of it funded by tax payers???????? Why didn't they go to someone's house to have this meeting?

  • SchemeZ

    Did the founders have a credit line with France?

  • BarackMyWorld
    • The_Lucky_Wife

      I'm all for firing aderps like Ryan. Amazing how they never include themselves when it comes to cutting "the fat" from government.

    • C_R_Trogloraptor

      That's a beautiful thing.

      • Arborista

        A thing of beauty is a joy forever.

  • BathroomGoblin

    Look, a black man that works for a racist magazine! They say republicans can't compromise.

  • OurHoboSenator

    Why isn't anyone talking about the shameful fact that Ted Cruz is a CANADIAN? SHOW US THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!!

    • Warpde

      Hey!!!
      There's a reason we Canadians kicked his ass out.
      P.S. Don't try to smuggle him back.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Geezus! You mean YOU GUYS are responsible for inflicting this cunt on us?

        WTF, man? I thought you Canadiens were NICE.

    • shebeers

      Judy & Gwen on PBS mentioned his country of origin, and I swear they were trying not to laugh.

  • Guppy

    So… I'm guessing this is the GOP's answer to Crist?

    Does Crist really need an answer?

    • GemlikeFlame

      Crist is not the answer, Crist is the question (in more ways than one). No is the answer.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Oh deities is it ever.

  • JackObin

    America is clearly irrelevent. Embarrassing doesn't begin to describe this nonsense. Why any intelligent person would want to reside here is baffling.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Hey! It's the Cleveland Show!

  • FakaktaSouth

    Artur is my former rep. What a whorish prick. I lost the tv upstairs in the divorce and my kids are watching something way more coherent and important on disney, so I need to know what happens, especially if Ann comes out on that horse naked.

    • An_Outhouse

      she is naked. how did you know?

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    I'm so sorry for the Wonkettz, trapped on the Island of Misfit Toys, unable to escape as the discarded amusements of the past try to get someone to play with them again.

  • LibertyLover

    I have never heard a Democrat say they have a duty to grow government. I have often heard them say that they want to make it more efficient.

    • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

      That's not what government is for, Silly. It's to run badly to prove it doesn't work while enriching your friends.

  • Wadisay

    The stage is designed to look like a nice, comfy living room, to humanize Mitt. Although it's probably a lot smaller than Mitt's actual living room.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Isn't that the set from "All In The Family?"

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        But way more racist than Archie could ever even think of being.

  • rocktonsam

    dude. where is this copper wiring you speak of?

    the price for that shit is way high and so am I and will go a steal it,probably

    • kittensdontlie

      My neighbor is away for the next week and you are welcome to 'borrow' his wires, switches, etc.

    • UW8316154

      Some stole my friend's catalytic converter (platinum) today. Fuckers.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Why, yes. I certainly do think we live in a country where the powerful get whatever the fuck they want. haven't you been paying attention?

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Oh my — they found somebody to do the black preacher thing. Their multicultural roster is complete.

    • succalina

      Remind me when the Omam speaks?

  • DustBowlBlues

    Hello. Back from vaca and jet-lagged and feeling fresh aches in the old joints. Here I am, however, with nothing clever to say but clinging to my wonkette connection so I know there are people in this this upside down, inside out, country of ours. When my English friends asked how Americans can vote for crazy people, I had no satisfactory answer outside, "They're stupid."

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Hi DBB. Welcome home!

    • emmelemm

      Welcome back. Whatever you do, DON'T watch the Republican convention. Wonkette comments, OK, actual viewing, not recommended.

    • ThundercatHo

      Welcome back, have a drink and whatever you do, leave the TV off.

  • Guppy

    Bonus points to Haley for wearing neither red nor blue!

  • TribecaMike

    What's with the photo of the great film director Sam Fuller? Why am I even asking? http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thu

  • BathroomGoblin

    I hope Gwen Ifill shives someone like last time.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Boy do I feel stupid. I've been watching Hee Haw reruns for 3 hours now thinking it was the RNC.
    Duh!

    • Arborista

      Well, the GOPer's keep singing,"Gloom, despair & agony on me", so it's an easy mistake to make…

  • BarackMyWorld

    Cut to clip of Obama personally calling Nikki Haley's parents and telling them they didn't build their business.

  • Guppy

    Yes, Nikki, that's nice that your parents did the bootstraps thing. How did you come by your money?

  • BarackMyWorld

    This is the most boring vitriolic rhetoric I've ever heard.

  • Guppy

    The governor of South Carolina is at the Republican convention advocating for states to "go it alone."

    Irony: Dead.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Is that island fortress still there in Charleston harbor? Just wondering.

      • Arborista

        If you mean the Fort Sumter NATIONAL MONUMENT, yes, it's still there… I get the impression that Haley would be happy if Charleston seceded from the rest of the state, though.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    Nikki Haley is a blogger banger.

    • littlebigdaddy

      And as a blogger I can say that is a rare breed.

    • SorosBot

      This was probably already covered, but that outfit she was wearing was just blinding; even over the live feed, it was just so bright I could hardly see looking at it. What the fuck was she thinking?

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Newt's commenting now on Davis' speech — the motherfucker thought it was brilliant. Mysteriously, so does Mark Shields. What the hell — it sounded like pandering claptrap by a bad Jesse Jackson impersonator.

    • Arborista

      It did what is was designed to do. Make elitist assholes think their party is "diverse".
      89% white, indeed…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Exactly. It's like all the white musicians who played the "knee grow" music during those segregated days. White kids weren't allowed to listen to the real thing, so they thought those white boys were super cool. And their kids grew up to write cringeworthy articles about how the Rolling Stones were making music "in the tradition" of those great black forgotten musicians who were never paid or acknowledged for what was stolen from them. We're so diverse! We have a long tradition of stealing black/brown culture and feeding a pablum version of it to white kids who will then sell it to YOUR kids as totally multicultiCOOL!

        Is my bitterness showing again? Darn.

  • GlowneyHouse

    Uhhh.. Nikki– Our state has a problem with the Civil Rights act. THAT'S why you can't Voter ID everyone.

    • BarackMyWorld

      There's no irony in declaring you should have to show your ID to exercise your right to vote because you also have to show it to buy Sudafed or get on an airplane, either.

      • UW8316154

        And the ID requirement on Sudafed only encouraged the Chinese drug mafia to being importing ephedrine by the container-ship – now they're making meth by the ton, instead of the pound.

      • shelwood46

        I'm trying to follow that logic. We card for sudafed because of meth, people die if not. We card for planes because of 9/11, people die if not, We card for votes,people die if not?

  • ProgressiveInga

    Needs moar moose-shootin'!

    • littlebigdaddy

      Dude, that is so 2008.

  • Doktor Zoom

    A new Mac Daddy plane? whut?

    • DemonicRage

      Exactly! WTF…..That is a synonym for pimp, isn't it?

      • Doktor Zoom

        Did she actually say that? I thought I was mis-hearing things

        • emmelemm

          Miggity Miggity Mack!

  • Antispandex

    OK, I think I get it. You are watching this thing, or even paying any attention at all, sort of like Churchill reading Mein Kampf. Kind of a know your enemy sort of thing? Thanks so much, because I have a weak stomach and I can't really take it.

    • Arborista

      I watched a little here & there until Ann Romney looked into the camera & said "tonight I want to talk to you about love". I had to give up then…

    • T3rbo

      Not so much-mein kampf should be respected because ol' hitler actually said "jews are the problem." he didn't say "the banking industry is the problem" or "our hook nosed masters are the problem." he just said "jews." The right can't say 'blacks' or the n word or mexicans, they have to say 'government spending' or 'entitlement'

      Disclaimer: fuck mein kampf, that book is for racist pieces of shit.

  • BarackMyWorld

    So, in closing: fuck you, unions.

    • T3rbo

      right? why do they hate america?

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Newt on PBS — look at how many women and minorities we have now! He actually said "We're about to pick up our third African-American" at one point. Just like that guy from Girls Gone Wild might've said.

    • IceCreamEmpress

      Ha ha Newt you used the outside voice for that one.

      The Dems can beat your numbers just by getting Hopey and family up there.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      We're about to pick up our third African-American
      Did Newt hire a new servant?

  • Doktor Zoom

    America deserves an economy where EVERYONE has the job security of a right-to-work state!

  • Doktor Zoom

    A governor who has a balanced budget? How very rare!

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Condi!
    Drink!

  • C_R_Trogloraptor

    So, what percentage of this crowd do you think has Diabeetus?

    • ProgressiveInga

      Truly, all of 'em Troggie.

      • C_R_Trogloraptor

        Fructose-Baptists.

    • Arborista

      I dunno- does saccharinity give you diabeetus?

    • littlebigdaddy

      90%. And the rest caught the retard from getting the flu vaccine (from the GUBMINT).

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        They sure did have to CATCH it, dude, it was running away as fast as it could, po' thang.

    • http://wonkette.com ChillBill
  • mayor_quimby

    Is this twat saying, non-union jobs are awesome cuz you can be fired at any time for no reason? But can I get free welfare then?
    Oh, no, but I haz unlimited gunz? Ok, I will working something out to get by.
    Silver bullet? Really, reallly? Seriously? Do they vibrate and run on AAA's?
    I have heard they can give ladies a 'crisis'.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Being a girl, I get confused when people talk about numbers. Did she say 6,000 scab workers watched an airplane fly?

    • Doktor Zoom

      After Boeing closed a union plant, yes. Prosperity!

      • Arborista

        And SC taxpayers have no idea how many of their tax dollars were used to get Boeing to build their plant here…

  • AlterNewt

    "Yearning". That doesn't really sound like something Mitt Romney would do.

  • Barrelhse

    Rick, it's the hand in your pants that concerns me.

  • BarackMyWorld

    We deserve a president who will do all these things….but we're nominating Mitt Romney anyways.

    • DustBowlBlues

      V. v good, barackworld.

  • ibwilliamsi

    Gingrich just compared Romney to Ike. I think that David Brookes just came in his pants a little.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Ike…Turner?

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      I forgot the part where Ike fought the war while holed up in a Chateau in France.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      We can haz top-marginal tax rate of 91% and dramatic infrastructure investment's jobs?

    • NellCote71

      "David Brookes just came in his pants a little." Gag. Eye bleach, ear bleach. STAT.

  • C_R_Trogloraptor

    This liveblog needs moar Cephalopods.

    • ThundercatHo

      Yay! Is the Cephalopod named Christy?

      • C_R_Trogloraptor

        That big fat octopus looks like a "Christy" to me.

    • Arborista

      Funny- I was just thinking it needs more vertebrates…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        No way, invertebrates are way more fun.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      OMG, CRE, did that cuttlefish just EAT that octopus?

      • C_R_Trogloraptor

        Yes! Predator Vs. Predator. That's something you don't see everyday.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          And a good thing, too. Sheesh. One minute everyone was playing and the next minute, a single forlorn sucker-tipped arm waved briefly from a cuttlefish's mouf.

  • BathroomGoblin

    Gender Treachery!

  • rocktonsam

    you just know $arah is in the bunker with her arms and fingers crossed , , legs not so much, holding her breath also,waiting for the call from Merika

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      *I call Sarah Half-Guv, she answers with a desperately whispered "HELLO??!", I pregnantly pause before blurting, "Ya blew it." *

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Shields just said "Thanks Newt" instead of something more reverent like "Thank you Speaker Gingrich." Newt had to walk off the set while the camera was running — this is gonna hurt like having to leave Air Force One through the back door.

    • rocktonsam

      fuck him

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Heyyoo, Latina token onstage!

    EDIT: And she's transexual too!

    • Guppy

      And the Paultards didn't rebel against this one!

    • C_R_Trogloraptor

      Is the crowd chanting "USA! USA! USA!" like the last time?

      Because that wasn't embarrassing at all.

      (H/t MacRaith)

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Ann Coulter's LATINA?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Haley seems to have a smirk tattoo on her face.

    • Arborista

      It's permanent.

  • littlebigdaddy

    It's Charo!

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Ann's a cancer survivor? Who did she pay to get that for her?

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Win!

  • AlterNewt

    "Meat Romney"? Probably heard that wrong.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      There's a lot at steak.

      • Arborista

        After an 8-year campaign, it's pretty overdone…

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants


      Meat Katie
      makes way better electronic buzzing noises.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Oh, she talks to workers at the farmer's market with ease — as though she buys stuff every day — or even interacts with humans of a lesser social status. That's really setting the bar low for pride and accomplishment. Next she'll be able to eat applesauce without help.

  • BathroomGoblin

    Where are her ladies in waiting?

  • Guppy

    For a moment, it looked like Ann was wearing adaptive camouflage.

  • LibertyLover

    They sure are trotting out all of the mares tonight. I wonder if Rafalca will be there too?

    Guess not.

  • spareme

    Now on to the MAIN EVENT! I wonder if she bought her outfit at Costco…

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    From CNN
    Ann's job is to make Mitt appear human.

    What was the fairy's name in Pinocchio?

    • FlyOverGirl

      The Blue Fairy.

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        thank you.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Herman Cain has hit landfall?

  • DustBowlBlues

    Hey, it's the headliner. Amazing, how robots can mate with humans and produce ahuman/bot hybrids.

  • sck007

    Empty beer cups are only in the double digits? Obviously, you're holding back in the hopes that something newsworthy occurs and you'll be able to write coherently about it.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Let's all cheer the first responders! And then cut their budgets!

    • shelwood46

      You know, I've known quite a few suburban stay-at-home moms who spent many years as volunteer EMTs. A few who were volunteer firefighters (even one who was a Fire Chief). Somehow, I think Ann would shit her pants at the thought of that.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Ann's wearing red silk — I'll bet she can tell when a swatch of polyester is placed under the pile of mattresses she sleeps on.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Oh, Ann, you'd never talk about a party.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Oh, gag me–Nicky is grateful for the first responsers we're laying off and stripping of pensions.

  • spareme

    Oh, Jesus Christ.

  • BathroomGoblin

    Serena Joy.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    LOVE?

    Ann is a fuckin hippie!

  • HELisforHEL

    Egg is scaring me. Ewwww. Mittbot love.

  • AlterNewt

    Bathos. Works every time.

  • sudsmckenzie

    The fuck, is this the lifetime network?

  • DustBowlBlues

    When is she going to tell us who she's wearing?

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Holy crap — my PBS station chose just this moment to broadcast a flood warning. I feel like the luckiest boy in America.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      It was a welcome relief, no?

      • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

        Couldn't have happened at a better time. Oh, and guess what she's reading her speech off of?

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Gah she's repulsive!

    Oh fuck me. She wants to talk about love.

  • SorosBot

    "I wanna talk about love". Is Anne Romney trying to be the next Katy Perry?

  • CountryClubJihadi

    Women are wearing so much RED tonight, it's like the motherfucking SHINING.

    • sck007

      Carrie? The metaphorical menstrual blood? Dead fetuses?

  • TribecaMike

    I thought Ann Romney's question, "Why do all cats rub their heads against the flaps of opened cardboard boxes the same way?" was quite profound for a Republican.

  • OurHoboSenator

    Yeah, I'm sure you know a lot about worrying about how you'll pay the mortgage, Ann.

  • Doktor Zoom

    I know a lot of you guys! You have washed one or both of my Cadillacs at some point!

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Nice laugh, Ann. Mitt's being more humanized by the minute.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    I watched some Peurto Rican lady tell me the Fascist Party of America's propaganda points for 5 minutes. That's enough. This crap is why Jim gets paid the big bucks.

  • http://wonkette.com wsbloodystump

    I'd rather Oogielove than AnnRomneylove

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    "I'm running in place and just can't get ahead."

    No honey, that's Rafalca doing the moonwalk.

    • sati_demise

      A piaffe to you, sir.

  • Serfville

    This speech is going to end with a horde of boys with wacky names

  • spareme

    Well Ann, we don't have another child if we can't afford it, if it takes away from our ability to properly care for the children we have. Not everyone is married to a trust fund stealing baby.

  • FlyOverGirl

    Someone fix Ann's lipstick.

    Oh, those poor people who can't pay their mortgage or don't have the cash for another kid…hahaha, my husband fired you.

    • spareme

      It matches her outfit.

      • FlyOverGirl

        It's crooked on stage right side of her face. Just wanna wipe her face with a kleenex.

        • FlyOverGirl

          Maybe they wanted Annbot to seem human?

  • BathroomGoblin

    Stick a sock in your sigh holes, ladies!

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Yeah, you're a mother.

  • RadioBowels

    She's awkward and goofy.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Ann talking about people suffering about not be able to afford shit is just pathetic.
    Really Ann Really?

    • BathroomGoblin

      She's disgusting.

  • SorosBot

    OK, has anyone seen Ann Romney and Callista Gingrich in the same room? Can we be sure they are different people?

  • Doktor Zoom

    The women sigh a bit more than the men. Because they are all dreaming of government-funded birth-control

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Ann just came out of the closet.

    • C_R_Trogloraptor

      Yeah, I'm still not watching.

    • TribecaMike

      Shoes or sweaters?

    • Arborista

      Why? Was it too full of $1000 t-shirts?

    • SorosBot

      Wait, she admitted she was really a bird with that beak?

  • rocktonsam

    I hope Mittens can fap to this, I certainly can't

  • Guppy

    Ann loves you women (in a totally no-homo way)!

  • OurHoboSenator

    I think Ann Romney just came out as a lesbian.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Yeah perhaps, but she has her servants do the pussy licking.

      • ProgressiveInga

        Um, is she hiring?

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    "We are the wives — we are the big sisters and the little sisters and the daughters. You know it's true, don't you?"

    Holy fuck — Ann's making up her own Talking Heads lyrics.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Same as it ever was.

    • shelwood46

      I think that's Milli Vanilli she's quoting.

    • NellCote71

      Almost Palinesque, isn't it? We define ourselves by how we relate to men? And we know it's true?

    • SorosBot

      Well Mitt is a psycho killer, qu'est que c'est, run run run run run run run away.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      I wouldn't live there if you paid me to.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Mitt is going to dance with a lamp stand during his speech while Ann plays a little tune on a Casio.
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwPA9kDsAJE

  • RadioBowels

    Bitch knows about hard work.

  • ProgressiveInga

    I LOVE YOU WOMEN!!!

    I said this exact same thing at my first women's music festival in Michigan in 1980. I got laid that night…….

    • Doktor Zoom

      I like the T-shirts that say, "My friend went to the Michigan womyn's festival and all I got was this lezzie shirt"

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Funny, I was just thinking about the last orgiastic lovefest some years ago. I musta said that to all the laydeez in the room at least once.

  • obfuscator2

    oh god, she's trying to go full oprah.

    • ProgressiveInga

      YOU'RE FAAAAAAT MISSISSIPPI!!!!!!

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Young girls in audience: "I'm gonna be a mommy! Yay!"

    • Guppy

      I've seen that particular video…

  • No_Wire_Hangers

    "I like love love women"

  • Serfville

    Since when does Ann Romney dress like a plain jane school marm? Where's the $100,000 outfits and jewelry dancing horsey lady?

  • DustBowlBlues

    She hears you women, except for the ones telling her they'll kill themselves if they have to have another baby she and her husband don't want.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Or their rapist's baby.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Or their father's or brother's or handsy Uncle Rick's.

  • Guppy

    Wait… did Ann just complain about cuts to public education?

  • AlterNewt

    Yay! Patronizing, 'talking to kindergartners' speechification. My favorite!

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Gah she's repulsive!

  • DustBowlBlues

    shit–all the crappy little things that are harder are all the fault of rich Republicans.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Ann Romney talks about the hardships of daily life like she's actually lived them. Okay, like she's been told about them by someone who'd read a book about them.

  • obfuscator2

    "the price of gas… school sports fees… the price of feed and stable rent for a dressage horse… just so many struggles."

  • spareme

    I can see right though this shit. Hey Ann – since we are sisters now, how about helping me find an abortionist since I was raped last month?

  • RadioBowels

    And he liked to fuck!!11

  • No_Wire_Hangers

    Mitt made you laugh? Prove it.

    The COAL MINER CARD!

    • TribecaMike

      She's no Loretta Lynn. But then, who is?

  • sudsmckenzie

    Please Ann, tell me more about struggling to pay bills.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Oh, fuck me. Another poor immigrant story. So why do they hate immigrants so much? Oh, because they're all lazy Mexcans.

  • TribecaMike

    "We built it, and then we shat upon it."

  • C_R_Trogloraptor

    I think I need to post these now, for reference purposes:

    Norquist's "Three Laws of Mittbotics"

    A Mittbot may not Tax a Job Creator or, through inaction, allow a Job Creator to come to harm.

    A Mittbot must obey orders given it by Republicans except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

    A Mittbot must protect its own Tax Returns as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

  • LibertyLover

    Apparently tonight Ann is for honoring mothers. Tomorrow? Motherfuckers.

  • belmontreport

    Why does Ann Romney's voice sound exactly like Sarah Palin's voice?

    • NellCote71

      However, note that IT fine-tuned the part where the speakers don't screech as much.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    He built it all by hinself.
    If Mitt ever held a hammer he'd be a bloody mess in 5 minutes.

  • OurHoboSenator

    Ann Romney is the SON OF A MILLWORKER

  • An_Outhouse

    those coal miners mitt forced to appear with him would like to get out of the mine too. too bad for them.

  • http://www.marionstein.net Self-Uploader

    Mormons they're ok, but I wouldn't want my sisters to marry one.

  • BathroomGoblin

    Remember when we pretended to be poor? Heehh hee heh!

  • Wadisay

    …our end table was this wonderful Mexican fellow….

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      …. We actually shed a tear and toasted Jesus with our 5th finest Bordeaux when we fired him for stealing cat food even though all of cats died from being crated for 2 weeks while we were in Switzerland counting money for exercise…

      Beer-N-Burgers with the wives after the holiday?

  • DustBowlBlues

    Oh, fuck me again. The poor college student stories. Why didn't they just borrow money from their parents?

    • MosesInvests

      Because they had stocks they could sell.

  • belmontreport

    Man, being poor was so much fun!

  • littlebigdaddy

    The Darlick says "exterminate"!

    • Arborista

      Oh, crikey- did I say it that loudly?

  • Doktor Zoom

    Ann-E's new sincerity chip is still in beta

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    She had tuna fish in college. Fuckin' aristocrat.

    • ThundercatHo

      Grilled ahi, fresh caught and flown in on a chartered jet.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I couldn't afford fish at all in college. An egg a week, and beans, rice, and raw veggies.

      • viennawoods13

        LUXURY

  • spareme

    Clearly, she did not know what she was getting into.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    Last time my boss asked me to fly a horse from Europe, it cost about $8,000. Due to, you know, fuel prices. So I can relate, Ann. I hear ya, sistah.

  • No_Wire_Hangers

    Pills, Jim? Heck no! She had a whole thimble of Pepsi.

  • An_Outhouse

    the milk man's name was mitt too. at least that's what he told her.

  • LibertyLover

    OOHHH… a "REAL" marriage. Unlike the Obamas….

    • Arborista

      Do you think Michelle promised obedience?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        She probly promised not to kick her darling husband's ass if he asked it of her.

    • Jennyjen798

      Oh you mean one of those marriages where the couple never speaks or acknowledges the other's presence unless someone else is around? The kind where you stick around because you've become accustomed to the income the marriage provides? That sounds…like a real American marriage, actually.

      Look at those Obama's, treating one another like they know what love is! Assholes.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    The whiteness! It burns!

  • DustBowlBlues

    "You need to get to know" Mitt, except for the part about his offshore accounts.

  • AlterNewt

    Oh….Kill me, Mormon Jesus!!

  • No_Wire_Hangers

    "Real" as in legitimate marriage.

    • http://www.marionstein.net Self-Uploader

      Right, because if you are actually a Kenyan usurper, your marriage is by definition a sham.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    We Romneys can breed like bunny rabbits!
    * Applause *

    • sati_demise

      Because our hired help does all the hard word of raising our kids!

  • RadioBowels

    KILL THE GAYS, KILL THE GAYS, KILL THE GAYS!

  • BathroomGoblin

    I couldnt look at her upper lip for four years.

    • NellCote71

      Really. Mean bitch. You just know it.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    All women seem to have children according to Ann.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Isn't that what they're FOR?

      • HistoriCat

        AND making sammiches!

  • RadioBowels

    He's been a success at evading taxes!

  • Serfville

    Do the sawhorses still hold up the car elevator?

  • Xan

    Ann Romney's basement apartment: http://just-thinkin.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/1

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Oh fuck you you bitch with the Massachusetts joke.

    (proud masshole)

  • DustBowlBlues

    Clearly, the more active one's uterus, the better person you are. Fuck you, infertile women everywhere.

  • No_Wire_Hangers

    "As some say, 'haters gone hate"

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Built it! (drink)

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Romney was not handed success?
    Bullshit!

  • SchemeZ

    With dad's help.

  • Wadisay

    I have to admit, there have been times when Mitt made me laugh, too. Well, more of a sneer.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Mitt built his wealth one crushed factory-worker's dream at a time.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    You were there when they talked about starting a new company, Ann? Do you remember the talk about borrowing twenty million bucks from Central American death squad leaders?

  • BarackMyWorld

    With the exception of Bill Clinton, has anyone ever heard a speech from the male spouse of a female politician?

    Because that'd be an excellent reason to nominate a woman for president just by itself.

  • obfuscator2

    oh my christ she's talking about bain like it was a fucking motorcycle repair shop started in a garage in ann arbor. go eat all the dicks.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    How the fuck was he not handed success? He inherited millions!

    • BarackMyWorld

      Well, technically, he was already a multi-millionaire when his father died after using his father's connections to get started.

  • RadioBowels

    He helps people in quiet rooms.

  • TribecaMike

    "Work harder" at nonchalantly reading a teleprompter, babe.

    • BerkeleyBear

      I was just re-reading a write up on Obama's 2004 speech and one of the big take aways was that teleprompers are not easy to get used to (he hadn't used one before and did multiple run-throughs to work on it). So as usual the GOP just assumed since the blah could do it so well it must be simple.

  • spareme

    I think we ll just were lectured. With a pointed finger at that.

  • sck007

    Bring on the fat man!

  • Guppy

    To be honest, I found the no-names more interesting, the ones that couldn't afford A-list writers.

  • An_Outhouse

    9million plus 40 million more blood soaked dollars is not struggling to start a small company

  • Doktor Zoom

    Give and it shall be given unto you. Take, and it can be put in an offshore tax haven

  • No_Wire_Hangers

    …employing thousands of bankers in the Cayman Islands….

    • NellCote71

      Ah. THAT is what they mean by job creators.

  • Wadisay

    "Give and it shall be given unto you" people.

  • The_Lucky_Wife

    “What Mitt and I have is a real marriage.”

    So?

    • NellCote71

      She means as opposed to, er, the gayz, and the single mothers who couldn't keep their men because they aren't as purty as she is.

      • Arborista

        She also means as opposed to marriages with those damned women's lib wives who don't promise to obey their husbands & who work outside the home WHEN THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO…

  • smitallica

    Yes, that's it. Tout the value of hard work, and then follow it up with a speech by Lady Ann Romney.

    Seriously, these people wouldn't know irony if it expressed its meaning using language or symbols that normally signify the opposite for humorous or emphatic effect.

    • NellCote71

      So for the wimenz, instead of "we built it," do we say "we married it?"

  • BarackMyWorld

    Ok, I'll say it: She's not very good at this.

  • TribecaMike

    Hey, I just discovered that CSPAN has Harry Truman doing color commentary! Warning: send the kiddies out of the room before watching. On second thought, let 'em stay.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    "man I met at a high school dance" = "dad worked in a mill"

    • Barrelhse

      "Harelip!"

      • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        Would I?

  • AlterNewt

    "High School Dance." DRINK!

  • DustBowlBlues

    If Massachusetts was so happy under Mitt (gross thought) why did his approval numbers tank so badly?

  • C_R_Trogloraptor
    • Doktor Zoom

      LUXURY!!!

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Perfect!

    • MosesInvests

      You were loocky!

    • NellCote71

      And I bet the lake was just the right size. Like the trees.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Has anyone heard her mention any accomplishment by Mitt yet? Anything? Because I've been paying attention (except for the flood warning) and haven't heard a fuckin' single accomplishment.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Does he HAVE any accomplishments? He made a lot of money. He ran Massachusetts and everybody there hated him and never re-elected him again. He ran the Olympics by taking huge amounts of money from taxpayers to fling at those already way overpaid and overvalued eejits. I'm not seeing a whole lot of accomplishment here. He IS good at raising, and making, money. No doubt about that. But so is Warren Buffet, and he's WAY nicer.

      • HistoriCat

        He passed Obamacare. I mean Romneycare. Oops – that should only be discussed in quiet rooms.

  • Wadisay

    "He started the John and Abigail Adams scholarship…"

    Oh, so his philanthropy now is a political talking point.

    • NYNYNYjr

      "…a special scholarship for the descendants of John and Abigail Adams- descendants like our boys, Tag, Marcus, Rick, Biff and Mutt."

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      This is NOT an accomplishment, though. If you're very rich, you call your lawyers and tax accountants and tell them what to do. They draw up papers, and you sign them, and they do the rest of that stuff. Once or twice a year you attend a meeting. A couple of times a year you meet with your lawyers and accountants to discuss your charity for tax purposes. Where's the "accomplishment"?

  • spareme

    She's trying, but Jesus, please make a commercial come on.

  • LibertyLover

    It burns!

    Make it stop.

  • No_Wire_Hangers

    "This man will not fail…because his programming simply won't allow it."

    • Doktor Zoom

      You can't reason with it..and it won't stop, until you are dead.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Meat Terminator.

  • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

    Alright. I love you guys, but Imma turn this shit off now. I feel an aneurysm forming in my brain.

  • Serfville

    Stepfordwifeapalooza!

  • DustBowlBlues

    Objectively, if you ignore the lies (the built it themselves theme must be the most popular lie tonight) this is a good political speech. Funny, how she keeps staring straight ahead of her, almost as if she's using a teleprompter.

  • LibertyLover

    How can we trust Mitt when he won't trust us with his tax returns?

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    "He still makes me laugh" for I think the third time. Name something funny he's done or said, Ann. Really, it can't be that hard. Show, don't tell, is the writer's basic advice. And if you have to tell but don't show, that leads us to believe that there's nothing to show.

    • Arborista

      You people wouldn't understand our jokes or our taxes.

    • glamourdammerung

      Name something funny he's done or said, Ann.

      That time he tortured the family dog.

      At least we hope that was only once.

    • Doktor Zoom

      He told an amusing anecdote about layoffs this one time…I guess you had to be there, sipping a good vintage of non-alcoholic sparkling juice…

    • NYNYNYjr

      He really does have a great sense of humor, it's just that his jokes are all horribly racist. But they are funny, to Ann.

  • OurHoboSenator

    Mitt wants to secks America and have five sons with it?

  • VinnyThePooh

    Stepford wife is finally done!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Dedicating this song to Ann Romney: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuyvT8nFMLY

  • No_Wire_Hangers

    It's official. Mittens is now a Real Boy. Thanks blue fairy.

  • mayor_quimby

    But did he try to fuck you after the dance. Cuz my asshole is scared if the gets elected.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Oh, Mitt kissed her in public. He's so grown since his wedding.

  • SorosBot

    I just want to know, why the fuck would someone actually pay to make their nose look as horribly ugly as Ann's does now?

  • under_score

    That was moronic. Mitt wants to take America to a dance. Ok.

    • NYNYNYjr

      Dance with me America: Mitt Romney 2012 [Note: Dancing will not be permitted in Mormon America]

  • NellCote71

    Ann Romney. Strongest case for Obama yet. Do you really want to watch this privileged twat for four years instead of Michelle?

  • mayor_quimby

    Get in mah belly!!

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Wait — so Mitt wanders onstage and then disappears? What the hell? Who directs a show where the star has a walk-on part?

    • freddymcmurray

      Three's Company. When Chrissy left, but still called in on the show.

  • Pat_Pending

    Key take-away: Mitt is HI-LA-RIOUS!!!!!

    Honey, your forced laughter every time he flaps his lips does not convince the rest of us…

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    cig break… (yes, Tweety, Mitt has wheels or whateverthefuck).

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I thought she said they were done giving "us people" anymore information. So shut up already then!

  • sudsmckenzie

    Now we will see if all of the structural improvements at the convention center will hold.

  • VinnyThePooh

    Governor Crisco up next.

  • TribecaMike

    Oh shit, Christie's coming up. Better stash the food in the root cellar.

  • An_Outhouse

    theme for the rest of the night- moobs

  • RadioBowels

    The highlights of Christie's speech:
    * Cutting the fat from gov't.
    * Putting the Feds on a diet.
    * Obama and his supersize ego.
    * The greasy Chicago style pizza politics of the Dems.
    * No more pork.
    * No eating into the Defense Budget.
    * The doughnut hole.

  • Doktor Zoom

    And now, the Oompa-Loompas will roll Gov. Christie out onstage…

    • Arborista

      I wondered where Boehner had gotten to…

  • sudsmckenzie

    With a purposeful grimace and a terrible sound
    He pulls the spitting high-tension wires down

    Chris Christie

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Oh, NO!

    • Barrelhse

      At the bottom of this mine lies a big, BIG man…

    • Doktor Zoom

      With this very unpleasin', sneezin' and wheezin,
      the calliope crashed to the ground

      • C_R_Trogloraptor

        Awww, Mama
        can this really be the end?
        To be stuck inside of Tampa
        with the racist blues again.

  • SchemeZ

    Romney's taking credit for MA education achievement when the reforms were passed in 1993.
    Fucking Fernstrom.

  • BarackMyWorld

    That background behind Christie isn't very slimming.

    • mayor_quimby

      He looks like a giant star in a gas galaxy. And good joke for shitting on your dad, I trust he's dead? Kinda dickish.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Is there anything that would?

    • BarackMyWorld

      (I'm ending my moratorium on fat jokes about Christie just for tonight, by the way.)

      • NellCote71

        Good, because I want to say his kids are fat, too.

  • VinnyThePooh

    Delittering?

  • obfuscator2

    palin's rnc speech just enraged me. michelle's dnc speech made me cry with joy. ann's speech… meh. i'd give her more credit if she'd pissed me off as much as palin did.

    this stage is very improbable for me because i'm a doublewide load of horseshit. i don't do much ice fishing, either.

    • Oblios_Cap

      They should have brought Rafalca out.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    OMG it's like Chris Christie is finally gonna get to dance with Bruce Springsteen. Who happens to be Chris Christie.

  • http://gorejusgeorge.tumblr.com CheeseBro69

    I haz 0.40 BAC because I drank everytime Ann Romney said something vague

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Just don't get up off the floor, and everything will be fine.

  • LibertyLover

    CC is running for President in 2016.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Or walking and taking frequent rest breaks.

      • Oblios_Cap

        He'd be out of breath before he couldeven find Iowa.

    • RadioBowels

      Our first 500 lb. prez.

      • LibertyLover

        They might have to bring back William Taft's bathtub from the Smithsonian.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I think Christie outweighs Taft by at least 100 … oh, wait. I get it.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Waddling, maybe.

    • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

      His primary opponent will be Diabeetus.

      • Negropolis

        Oh, that was good, cutting snark, my friend. Reel gud.

        • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

          I'd take a bow, but I don't wanna piss SOFA off.

      • LibertyLover

        And Coro Nary.

  • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

    Not watching this shit, but I'm recording it so I can play it back on Nov 7th. It's gonna be awesome.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Try not to gloat and laugh too hard at your disabled (by hate and the GOP) relatives.

  • Wadisay

    He looks like he's speaking from inside a lava lamp.

    • mayor_quimby

      This shit's making me dizzy. Along with the shrooms.

    • ph7

      Inna-Gadda-Da-Christie

  • Doktor Zoom

    Mom was the Enforcer. She'd put on her skates and body-check us unto the wall, screw the penalty.

  • BathroomGoblin

    I'd still hit that.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      With what?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Realistically, you'd probly need something shoulder-fired to make an impact.

        Or you could just nuke it from orbit. It's the only way to be SURE.

  • BarackMyWorld

    GI Bill? Whaaaaaaa???

    • Serfville

      I know I cannot believe he brought up the GI Bill!!!!!! Ugh!

    • LibertyLover

      Government entitlement program.

      • NellCote71

        Laughed out loud. Spit wine over keyboard. Dog runs upstairs.

  • AlterNewt

    "Mom also came from nothing."

    • Barrelhse

      Makes the "dust to dust" line kind of confusing for that family.

  • TribecaMike

    I knew I shoulda bought a wider wide screen tv. I can only see the tip of his nose.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Mom took public transit? Goddamn socialist.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Your dad worked at the Breyer's Ice Cream plant (unionized, maybe?) in the '50s and got to go to college on the GI bill? Did you thank big government for that?

  • Doktor Zoom

    Bruce Springsteen Libel!

  • VinnyThePooh

    Keep shoveling that "our long, hard journey" bullshit.

  • http://gorejusgeorge.tumblr.com CheeseBro69

    I bet Christie's favorite Springsteen song is "Hungry Heart"

  • rocktonsam

    We are thankful for Mrs. Obama

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Wait — he coached his sons, but he watched his daughters march in a parade with their soccer team? Sweet — misogyny begins at home, asshole.

  • VinnyThePooh

    The only love Crisco knows is thick crust.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      And he's got plenty of THAT, the crumb.

  • mavenmaven

    Love without respect is paralyzed by our desire to be oh I can't follow this bull$#&%.

  • C_R_Trogloraptor

    "Oh shit! It's Mr Creosote!"

  • http://www.marionstein.net Self-Uploader

    I lost the visual because Al Jazeera thought the Hurricane was more important than the blimp.

  • RadioBowels

    What The Fuck is he blubbering about?

    • ph7

      His words are like his meals: smorgasbords of filler.

  • No_Wire_Hangers

    Maybe Dad shoulda said "NO" to that extra helping of free Breyers…just sayin'

    • LibertyLover

      In a parallel universe, CC is an ice cream taster.

  • BathroomGoblin

    I have no idea what he's getting at. Invade Syria? Colonize the Moon?
    Obviously not ban trans-fats or big-gulps.

    • Jennyjen798

      Replace the old moon with a new moon!11!1??

      NEW MOON PARTY! NEW MOON PARTY!

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Geeze, what a blathering loudmouth. I thought he was supposed to be the badass orator of the Republican party, and all he's got is this faux-bro lingo going on that he got from How I Met Your Mother. Okay, I guess that makes him the cool Republican.

    • FlyOverGirl

      Bazinga.

    • NellCote71

      ". . . . makes him a cool Republican." Really a low bar.

  • AlterNewt

    Oh my god, an ECLIPSE!!

  • VinnyThePooh

    Did he just cup his tits?

  • No_Wire_Hangers

    So does this then negate Ann's speech?

  • ProgressiveInga

    Is his tie really fuschia?

    Not attractive at all on a husky man.

    • sck007

      No, it's spaghetti sauce.

    • NellCote71

      And it actually looks (gasp) polyester. Couldn't Romney's butler loaned him a silk one?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Calling Chris Christie "husky" is like calling RuPaul a genderbender.

  • RadioBowels

    Dumb question:
    Why doesn't he get his stomach stapled?

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Staples won't hold. Need lag bolts.

    • NellCote71

      Or just show some self-discipline? I do not trust anyone who shows the lack thereof.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      What would they staple it TO, Radio? Doesn't fat just, you know, slide around too much? Any muscles in there have long since been overpowered and slowly strangled, heaven knows.

    • C_R_Trogloraptor

      What is"they keep popping out", Alex?

  • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

    Chris Christie just said, "Who wouldn't say no to yesterday or yes instead of knowing it all" I think.

    • ThundercatHo

      WTF does that even mean?

    • Angry_Marmot

      Firesign Theater reference, I think.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Our leaders must stop tearing each other down. We will take our country back from that goddamned foreign socialist!

    • AlterNewt

      We have moved well beyond irony, have we not?

      • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

        It's so weird. One of only two major parties in this country, and to them truth is hearing only what you want to believe.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        We have indeed jumped the irony shark.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Oh jeez… Bruce references.

  • obfuscator2

    shut up, everyone… i wanna hear about his daughter meadow and his son anthony jr.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    "Tonight, we're gonna do what my mother taught me?" Tampa will see some depravity that it's never seen before.

  • No_Wire_Hangers

    Respect, except for that filthy piece of shit no good president…

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I saw a shot of Mitt. He looks like he wants all this crap to be over with so he can get on with fucking up the world.

    • NellCote71

      He looks chronically constipated. Maybe the blind trust will release enough money for Senakot?

  • BarackMyWorld

    Grandchildren of the greatest generation? He knows Mitt's like 65, right?

  • http://gorejusgeorge.tumblr.com CheeseBro69

    Oh snap did Bobby Baccala just shout out immigrants and public workers?!!!

    #offscript

  • Serfville

    What are they serving backstage for hors devours? French Fried Hamburgers on Glazed Doughnut Buns?

    • NellCote71

      Paula Deen libel.

      • Serfville

        Lying Deep Fried Diabetic Trans Fat Peddlin'…..Oops!

  • Wadisay

    Haha, some crappy messaging. Ann talks about love; Gov Cheeseburger talks about chosing respect instead of love.

    • Arborista

      Gender-appropriate messaging, you mean…

  • An_Outhouse

    i wonder what the comment thread at redstate looks like.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    What a Motherlovin' party!

  • TribecaMike

    Let me off at the Walt Whitman Rest Stop.

    • mayor_quimby

      Is there still a Roy Roger's and a glory hole there? I mean do they still have hamburgers….

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        No, but there are some leaves of grass.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Hey Christie! Do you know what it's like to be hungry?
    Twat Waffle!

  • RadioBowels

    He said "big" like five times.

    • BarackMyWorld

      That's huge.

    • Barrelhse

      He's not a RINO- he's a Rhino!!!1!

  • An_Outhouse

    fatso sounds lik a dem for most of his bloviating

  • DustBowlBlues

    It's too bad for the Mexicans that they don't look Welsh, Irish or German, because then the Republicans would call them "heroes."

    • mayor_quimby

      Truer words never spoken. Lighten up, Pedro, then we'll love you.

  • Guppy

    Just how many "third rails" are there?

    • BarackMyWorld

      3?

  • TribecaMike

    He will mention NJ's unemployment rate is over 9%, right?

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    What's up with that stupid blue screensaver background? It's like Fat Man in Space or something.

    • BathroomGoblin

      Its like a Talking Heads video

      • ProgressiveInga

        We're on a road to nowhere……

  • DustBowlBlues

    Ugh, this guy really loves being an asshole, doesn't he?

    • Oblios_Cap

      It's his greatest strength.

  • An_Outhouse

    fatty has anew casino and the highest unemployment in the nation. yeah.

    • TribecaMike

      Cue Kate Smith.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Wow — Christie's actually touting the time when he told state troopers "The party's over" while cutting their health benefits. State troopers, for fuck's sake — who would have to pay $24K a year for health insurance if they had to buy it themselves. "Taking on the public sector unions" indeed, you sick motherfucker.

    • obfuscator2

      he was brave enough to make the tough decision to fuck over a shitload of middle class families. BALLSY.

    • shelwood46

      I hope his protection detail pisses in his coffee.

  • DustBowlBlues

    It IS every man for himself in Republican world. What's he talking about?

    • SavageDrummer

      I thought that was their slogan…

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        I thought it was Ron Paul's slogan.

  • NellCote71

    Christie just said Repugs are politicians who have led not pandered. Did he wander into the wrong convention?

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Wha? The cognitive dissonance is making my head spin.

  • LibertyLover

    Any mention of NJ's unemployment rate?

  • BarackMyWorld

    Christie badmouthing selfishness? He's familiar with Ayn Rand, right?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      He's even *more* familiar with *selfishness.*

  • SchemeZ

    The background behind Christie is going to make me sick.

  • An_Outhouse

    somebody has an irrational hatred for teachers. anal raped in school, much?

    • SavageDrummer

      "Lil' Chris Christie, will you PLEASE stop trying to eat your classmates!"

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    "I know the truth, and I'm not afraid to say it — our ideas are right for America and their ideas have failed America."

    Wow. How brave to say in a stadium full of people who agree with you. Purple fucking heart.

    • under_score

      Um, GI Bill, 2 minutes ago? Sheesh.

  • BathroomGoblin

    Remember when we burned all the Pequot Indians alive with their babies? USA USA USA

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I'm just reading the Heard Museum's recording of Native Voices, and a lady is talking about the US soldiers beating her grandfather to death because he was too old and frail to keep up on the march. Before the horrified eyes of his family.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Brace yourselves, troops, we're about to be attacked by an entire army of straw men.

  • Guppy

    Cut federal spending (except the Pentagon)!

  • spareme

    Since I cannot watch this guy, I have amusing myself with watching the audience. Or lemmings. Or whatever they are.

  • C_R_Trogloraptor

    10:41 — Liquified ham sandwiches are being sent up his butt via a reverse-enema, every three seconds. This could backfire quite literally!

    That sentence, all by itself, just made me throw up. Thanks!

  • TribecaMike

    He's got a point — I love scaring old people!

  • RadioBowels

    Did Baby Huey fly in in a Huey?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Sikorsky. I don't think the Hueys can handle such a load.

  • sati_demise

    tl;dw

  • SorosBot

    Wait, if seniors want entitlement programs to survive for their grandchildren, why does Christie support Paul Ryan who wants to destroy Medicare for everyone under 55?

  • mavenmaven

    Oh wow, who knew that Chris Christie was really Jimmy Carter in disguise?

  • Serfville

    TooTanandJiggleyAssholelapalooza!

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Teachers are children lovers.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Republithugs assume seniors will sacrifice their grandchildren, hence Medicare doesn't disappear until the kids need it.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    "Our seniors are not selfish."

    No — they'll even paddle the ice floe you leave them on out into the sea. I mean, they're too lean to use for anything but stock anyway, so why not?

    • shelwood46

      Not selfish? Has he met an old person? Strike that — has he met an old Republican?

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Best comment on here. P for DAYS!!

  • RadioBowels

    Teachers should have no right to collectively bargain!

  • AlterNewt

    "The Fiscal Cliff."

    One of the worst tunes by The Doors.

  • http://www.marionstein.net Self-Uploader

    Their ideas have failed???? Their ideas took the US out of a depression, defeated fascism, and built a postwar middle-class with stuff like the GI Bill from which your family benefited asshole.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Small logic point: if every classroom has the best teacher…can they all be the best? Just saying.

    • under_score

      And all the children are above average

    • Guppy

      So much for American Exceptionalism.

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      If they keep cutting the bottom ten percent, then yes — in ten years.

      • Guppy

        The math teachers first, naturally.

    • http://www.marionstein.net Self-Uploader

      Of course. The secret is to destroy unions so you can weed out all the teachers who are just doing it to earn the big bucks.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Fuck, they hate unions. Will the Democrats finally support labor? Their true friends?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      The Democratic party is all that labour and the working poor have to rely on. And a slender reed it is.

  • mavenmaven

    We believe in teachers… we just don't believe in paying them!

  • ph7

    Christie just said teacher should not expect good pay – they love kids instead. Tell Mitt that he worked for Bain because he loved creating jobs, and he should not expect to make more than $50k a year for it.

    And he's got a weird tan.

    • SorosBot

      Love for kids does a great job in paying off student loans.

    • Guppy

      Christie just said teacher should not expect good pay – they love kids instead.

      Funny, the Catholic Church says the same thing to its priests…

  • DustBowlBlues

    Is NJ going to kick this fat fuck out of office?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Yes

  • BarackMyWorld

    People don't become teachers because they want to be rich…so let's cut their pay and benefits. Dick.

  • SorosBot

    He's talking about teachers? Chris Christie has the gall to talk about teachers, after the shit he did to them in New Jersey? He slashed their pay and benefits and fired a bunch of them. He hates teachers; and as the son, brother, nephew, grandson and cousin of many teachers, let me tell you they hate him too.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Go back to Educationstan!!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Fuck, I think I just heard him say he's the father of Snooki's baby. And he seemed to be looking right at me when he said it.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      No. I believe he said he ate Snooki's baby.

      • TribecaMike

        I thought he said he ate three Orson Welles' for breakfast.

    • C_R_Trogloraptor

      That's probably just the mescaline.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I'm tellin' ya. I knew it was the drogas when the little purple things popped out of his nose and started dancing around and squeaking in high-pitched voices.

  • BathroomGoblin

    Oh, just choke to death.
    Who last drove the economy off the cliff? Now he gurgles on about 'truth telling'.
    Fuck you.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Christie all of sudden loves teachers?

    • BarackMyWorld

      Culinary teachers, perhaps.

  • Warpde

    5 minutes of listening to Christie and I can understand why I wish remain drunk.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Huh. This is the same guy who five minutes ago was saying "Our leaders must stop tearing each other down."

  • Wadisay

    Gah, new thread, please, Mighty Overlords.

  • AlterNewt

    "Loudmouth At The Other End Of The Bar Gives RNC Keynote."

    • Serfville

      Bwaaaaaaaaaa!

  • TribecaMike

    BYU! BYU! BYU!

    • Barrelhse

      BYOB!

  • spareme

    I am so glad my yellow-dog democrat Mother, who went through the depression in rural Alabama, went through WW2 eating grits and oatmeal, is not alive to see this. Then again, the amusement factor would be great.

  • LibertyLover

    OMG… We demand the best teachers, but we don't want to pay them to be teachers and we certainly don't want them to negotiate the size of their classroom.

    • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

      Damned right! Fucking Teachers! and what do cops know about staffing or equipment issues, Or those uppity firemen about how many guys you need on a truck! What do THOSE people know, huh?

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    In the middle of my senior year, I had to move from a PA high school to a NJ high school. Lets just say the "education" was lacking– fucking terrible. I was embarrassed to graduate from that school.

  • No_Wire_Hangers

    "Bring me Solo and the Snookie…"

    (ugh)

    • Serfville

      …He said, as the blob toked the hookah

    • sudsmckenzie

      … I just chortled.

  • RadioBowels

    Another dumb question:
    have they shown a brown person yet.

    • gullywompr

      Condi. But there are others there. You just can't see them on camera because they have to sit in the back of the convention.

    • SorosBot

      The un-clapping crowd looked like they were about to shoot the Latino Nevada Governor earlier tonight, after he said some nice things about immigration and was, you know, brown.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I thought they were saving the shouty-ragey for the OTHER browns, you know, the Puerto Ricans.

    • Arborista

      Even the ones who are brown on the outside are still lily-white in their heads…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Coconuts.

        • Arborista

          Oreos?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            In some parts of the world, "coconut" or "banana." Brown on the outside, white on the inside.

  • obfuscator2

    mitt looks like he's almost bored as i am. jeeezus he almost looks like he's ashamed to be there.

    • spareme

      Maybe he is contemplating what a fucking sell out he is.

    • gullywompr

      No, he just knows that this is the last time he will run for president, and knows he will not get it. That's what that facial expression is.

    • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

      That moment when Ann was trying to get him to stand up in response to Christie hailing him, and he just shook his head disagreeably. That's one of my take-aways from this thing. I'm beginning to think she wants this more than he does.

      • Arborista

        "I'm beginning to think she wants this more than he does."

        I get that impression also. Rather strongly.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          Same here. She wants to be prom queen REAL BAD.

    • Negropolis

      I tend to believe he simply thinks he could throw a better party.

      Either that, or he just wanted a nice warm glass of milk and a good nights sleep because he was up past him bedtime.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Yep. We need insurance industry bureaucrats making medical decisions like they always have been.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Get in my belly!

    • Doktor Zoom

      I'm pretty sure that should be "belleh"

  • AlterNewt

    Verbosity and obesity DO go together.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Diarrhea of the mouth, yes.

  • http://www.marionstein.net Self-Uploader

    Did he just come out as pro-choice??????

  • SorosBot

    We don't want to put barriers between an American citizen and her doctors – unless, of course, that citizen is pregnant and doesn't want to remain so.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Soros, man, whadefuck you talking about, everyone KNOWS women aren't American citizens. And men don't get pregnant.

  • ph7

    Is this bingo night at the Independent Living Village, or a convention? Those old white people look funny and have a weird strain of exhuberance that is not of this century.

  • TribecaMike

    Real leaders pole dance.

  • An_Outhouse

    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……….

  • spareme

    And what polls have you changed sir?

  • Warpde

    Only thing Christie has faith in is Wopper Wednesday.

    • glasspusher

      I would gladly pay you Tuesdae…

  • Negropolis

    Okay, the Good Governor Sandwiches has both figuratively and literally just overshadowed the party's actual nominee.

    BTW, the deceptive, Republican auto-ad in the left bottom-hand corner of the page? Totally not cool for all of those reasons.

  • No_Wire_Hangers

    Real leaders don't follow polls, they ride them!

    (marches out of stadium)

    To the Tampa strip clubs!

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    "We all must share in the sacrifice."

    Um — by cutting your taxes?

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Just don't cut the carbs.

      • glasspusher

        Do you reject Satan, and all his empty calories?

        • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

          I will, with God's help.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Fatso isn't very inspirtional, is he? He's not even especially mean, considering the crowd he's in.

    Sacrifice? These people? What is this fat fuck talking about? I'm so anxious to hear Chrissy's view of this one.

    • An_Outhouse

      derp derp derp

    • T3rbo

      he's talking about you, not him

  • belmontreport

    "We all need to share in the sacrifice…" unless you make over $250,000 a year. You're too busy creating jobs, that's your sacrifice.

  • AlterNewt

    I thought there were going to be refreshments at this blog-thing.

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Was re-arranging furniture for 2 hours. Sounds like I didn't miss anything…

    • TribecaMike

      Sofa so good.

    • sudsmckenzie

      No, they were just rearranging deck chairs.

  • An_Outhouse

    nazis? takes one to know one.

  • SorosBot

    Why is he talking about freedom when he is a member of the party that hates freedom; except for straight white Christian men?

  • TribecaMike

    The greatest generation? You mean the first generation that got Social Security, Medicare, and all those other good Democratic things? Lucky bastards.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    And I'll have the gabbagool.

  • ph7

    When does he ask us to become Amway distributors?

  • http://johnnyzhivago.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Watch out he's going to swallow Snooki whole!

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Good riddance.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    When Linbaugh explodes from excessive bullshit retention, I predict Christie will take his place… or eat the carcass.

  • C_R_Trogloraptor

    Is Balloon Man done yet?

  • clblabin

    Chris Christie: "Mitt Romney will tell us the hard truths we need to hear." Lolz, that's Mitt all right!

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    I consider myself the master of my own weight.

    • Doktor Zoom

      It's true. I am the otter of my own fat.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    J-E-T-S!

  • Negropolis

    Governor Gabagool (sp?) is making them an offer they can't refuse…

    BTW, earlier in the night, but can someone tell Ann that simply screaming "Women!" unconnected to any other word or string of words is not how you get their vote? I know, she thinks women as as dumb as she is, but jeeze.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      It's kinda late in the game for them to be trying for women's votes, especially by condescending to them.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Howard Beale for President!!!!!!!

    • ph7

      HE's HUNGRY AS HELL AND HE"S NOT GOING TO DIET ANYMORE!

    • ProgressiveInga

      I'm fat as hell………..!!!

  • obfuscator2

    seriously. ann and mitt look legit weary at having to smile and clap.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    What a fucking blowhard. He needs to thump the podium more.

  • TribecaMike

    "We have nothing to lose but our walkers."

  • No_Wire_Hangers

    How the hell is Mittens gonna top this? Maybe two thimbles of Pepsi?

  • Wadisay

    I wish Christie would do a little truth-telling about how he said Romney was unelectable.

  • BathroomGoblin

    I think the closed captioning is telling people when to cheer and applaud.

  • sudsmckenzie

    Well that speech worked, I Really want a big Mac now.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Now I'm gonna watch Obama's keynote speech.

    • Negropolis

      You know, I was thinking exactly the same thing.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Make sure you have enough tissues. For whatever fluids might come out of you from the experience.

        • Negropolis

          I'm not a crier. What I'm looking for is his rank repudiation of the Republican ticket. You know, where his voice gets coarse and deep and he leans over the microphone like he's going to eat it and the crowd roars and then he soars into the stratosphere.

          They've had four years to attack this man without nearly any pushback. I'm looking for something righteous i a few weeks. Not necessarily angry, because that can backfire, but something so chocked full of truth that it can't be denied and steamrolls the other side.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I'll be standing right behind you somewhere waving my flag and muttering things like "kick some fucking ass, Mister Prezident" sotto voce.

          • Negropolis

            I'm looking for a Bill Pullman-esque speech like the one he gave in Independence Day.

  • TribecaMike

    "One light"? What happened to Bush's thousand points?

    • BerkeleyBear

      Well, the thousand points are really all just pinpricks in the firmament revealing tiny aspects of the Holy, or some such bullshit.

      • TribecaMike

        Oh right, I forgot.

    • Arborista

      Energy efficiency.

  • C_R_Trogloraptor

    Needs moar Boohoo of the Neo-American Church. And Ibogane.

  • Guppy

    3 Doors Down? Because I didn't have enough reason to vote against the bastards?

  • savethispatient

    Chris Christie wants a 2nd American Century. I think he means he wants a policies based upon the values of sometime before 200AD.

  • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

    They're Old! They're White! And they're taking over! Right after they take a nap…

    • TribecaMike

      The Big Sleep?

  • BarackMyWorld

    Maddow just fucking destroyed Christie's speech.

    Basically he just accepted the 2016 nomination, and barely mentioned Mitt or why he should be president.

  • AlterNewt

    Dive in to the mosh-pit, Chris Christie!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Oh, JESUS, RUN!

  • Glass Eyed

    Between fighting off that amazing roll-over movie and trying to find my place after refreshing……this is getting very tedious. And I don't mean the Republican convention.

    Time for a new thread, doncha think?

  • BoroPrimorac

    What the fuck is Tweetie on? Christie didn't deliver a barnstormer.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Matthews didn't even notice Santorum talking about welfare for five minutes.

  • Warpde

    "A 2nd American century, you know, the one after the 1st but not before the 3rd.
    The one somewhere in between or before the Emancipation Reclamation."
    Chrissy "Where's my Wopper" Christie

    • LibertyLover

      Republicans want to skip over the New Deal years.

  • An_Outhouse

    oh hell. he's inviting the crowd to do calesthenics with him. call fema.

  • SorosBot

    I suppose that I should be disappointed that Three Doors Down are wingnuts; but then they suck so I'm not.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Wingnuts? Or just available for the right price, ala Elton John playing El Rushbo's wedding?

      Either way, they do suck, so meh.

    • TribecaMike

      I see why their record company let them go.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Just because they're playing doesn't mean they're wingnutz. Maybe they are. I don't know. Long ago, I was watching TeeVee when Norm Coleman was having an election party and a good friend of mine was playing in the band. He's a native American, saxophone playing monster with a real liberal streak. Probably blew chunks though his reed but he had to make a living.

    • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

      The County Fair circuit is done for the year, so WTF, what?

      • ThundercatHo

        Our county fair is getting Styx. I feel old.

    • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

      Nickelback must've been on tour…with Journey.

  • TribecaMike

    Yeesh, now they've rebooted The Cross & The Switchblade. Is nothing sacred?

  • DalePues

    650 comments. damn. well, that means this will probably nver be read so I can say pretty much anything. big deal, right. "My Girl"? you're kidding? "My Girl"? When I flicked on the tv Mitt and Ann were doing the prom strut complete with the Temptations making it for real.

    • SorosBot

      Hey, My Girl is awesome – I mean, you get to see Macaulay Caulkin die. Oh, spoiler alert!

      • T3rbo

        oh yeah, you can totally tell that guy got fucked my michael jackson. "I'm all evil now, for no reason at all. Look, I do heron now, too. For no reason…"

    • Xan

      Challenge accepted.

  • Guppy

    Darn, no more angry Paultards at this last parliamentary motion of the night.

  • Guppy

    And one last motherfucking shot on C-SPAN of the blonde in the red dress!

    Bad touch! No means no!

  • TribecaMike

    Nice job Señor Newell. Carry on drinking.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Take another smoke break

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    That was perfectly horrid. It seemed to lack even the veneer of sincere enthusiasm that shrouded the 2008 convention. Christie spoke vehemently, but hell — I don't sense that even he believes his own bullshit. Truth? When has he been into truth? When has he been into making hard decisions? They never affect him adversely.

    And Ann wasn't any better — she's a clunky speaker and this attempt to tell everybody she's just like one of us — well, it made all the delegates uncomfortable and it didn't ring true either. This has been just a sad show of faked enthusiasm.

    • obfuscator2

      yep… there was a huge disconnect between the sound of the applause contrasted with the visuals of dead eyed people clapping politely.

      the 2008 was legitimately vitriolic and almost savage. now that was some real anger.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        2008 knew how to put out!

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      excellent.

    • sudsmckenzie

      Her tone, it was like she was telling America its OK that we still wet the bed.

  • no_gravity

    Just got back from the Wonkette extravaganza in Tampa and Rebecca threw a great party and we got to yell obscenities at Rick Santorum.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      *envy*

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Me too. *simmer*

        • no_gravity

          It was hot enough to.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Oh, that's gonna make us envy you *less* somehow. *seethe*

          • finallyhappy

            I'll see her Saturday night but not sure how we can yell curses at Rick Santorum- but maybe they'll be playing re-runs at Manuels?

    • glasspusher

      Was there pool? I miss ybor city. Is it still cool? Haven't been in over 10 years, since I moved to that other Bay Area.

      • no_gravity

        It wasn't Ybor, it was SOHO – Hyde park area, just west of downtown. And, ping pong and I didn't see a pool table or a swimming pool.

        • glasspusher

          Yeah, I wasn't thinking it was, just have fond memories of Ybor. Sigh…

  • glasspusher

    A wiser man than myself once said:" Any way you slice it, it's still baloney"

  • TribecaMike

    All this time I thought I was watching the convention, but it was just another Hitler documentary on the History Channel.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Tweety on MSNBC: "Romney looked like Prince Charles visiting New Guinea"

    hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!

  • BathroomGoblin

    After that, I am positively looking forward to deworming the cat this evening.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    I wuz doing some of the daily LAT online crosswords from the past week .
    Opkapi, BITCHEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    (Pro-tip: Get to them from Chi Trib and avoid annoying auto play ads)

    • TribecaMike

      Thanks for the tip, Blue!

    • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

      Phht! Obi! Ulu! in your general direction.

  • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

    That was the worst "Ow My Balls" episode ever.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Needs MOAR testicle-smashery.

      • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

        That's exactly what watching this feels like.

        • BigSkullF*ckingDog

          I don't have balls and didn't watch and I am even a little sore down there.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Oh, Chrissy–You liked the speech? Ooh, Prince Charles in New Guinea. Now I like Chrissy again. Time for bed, for me, at least–a jet-lagged Old.

    PS Mittens has been running for office for over a decade and NOW it's time to get to know him? Isn't it a little late to familiarize ourselves with the Mittbot?

    This has made the painful fun. Thanks, wonkeratti and Jim.

    Later, losers.

    • littlebigdaddy

      Nite nite! May you wake up to a better Amercia!

    • Monsieur_Grumpe
    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Hey, who you calling a LOSER? (looks around)

      Oh all right, then. (sits back down)

  • Negropolis

    Objectively, if this is the best they got, Ann and Chris, this ticket is through. I'll tell you right now that no one is going to put Barry in a corner at his own convention like Christie just did, here.

    • TribecaMike

      Agreed. "Trust me, you can trust Mitt" and "All we have to fear is my fear mongering" just doesn't cut it. They shoulda released the balloons.

    • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

      Nobody puts Barry in a corner.

    • obfuscator2

      i'm assuming that in his nomination speech, mittens will wow the crowd with a powerpoint presentation highlighting profit forecasts for fy 2014.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      you people are making me so happy i didn't listen and i'm only getting my news here.

      for tonight at least.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Livebloggings or Parties?

    They are both good.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Can I apologize on behalf of Christie as to what he just did to the ticket?

    P.S. I don't really want to, but that was pathetic.

  • glamourdammerung

    I am looking forward to the footage of the alleged person that threw nuts at a black CNN camerawomen while yelling stupidity about it being how they "feed animals".

    • ThundercatHo

      No shit? Good thing none of the tea party are racists.

      • shelwood46

        I posted the link on Wonkville. Shuster broke it with a tweet, CNN confirms.

    • T3rbo

      so they serve alcohol at the convention, then?

      • Negropolis

        Please, they wish they could blame this shit on the alcohol.

    • C_R_Trogloraptor

      Here's shelwood46's link, which pairs nicely with the Wonkville link just below it: "A Troubling Chant on the Convention Floor".
      No One Could Have Predicted that Atwater's Southern Strategy and 30 years of carefully cultivating White Resentment would result in this behavior.

      TWC's reporting now that levees are being overtopped in Plaquemines Parish near NOLA, with 12 feet of water in some people's homes, widespread power outages, at least one home collapsed and groups of folks who are trapped . No word if they are Negroes or not.
      Flooding and Tropical Storm winds extending through Mississippi to the Alabama coast. I'm just hoping that Haley Barbour's porch will be OK.

  • LibertyLover

    CC wants all of us to sacrifice. Austerity measures are as big a lie as trickle down economics. He's betting that the middle class will want to go all in with their medicare and social security and union safety nets but not once does he ask the wealthy one percent to ante up and sacrifice a little more for the good for the country. (Sorry no snark here.)

    I need a drink.

    • spareme

      He needs to go first.

    • no_gravity

      Is he going to sacrifice anything at the dinner table? I think not.

    • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

      Obscene corpulence just screams "sacrifice" any way you look at it.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Evil if true: http://www.politico.com/blogs/media/2012/08/an-ug

    An attendee at the Republican National Convention in Tampa on Tuesday allegedly threw nuts at a black camerawoman working for CNN and said “This is how we feed animals” before being removed from the convention, a network official confirmed to TPM

    • Arborista

      Wow- who could have predicted something like that?

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      The RNC media liaison, I'm guessing.

    • bobbert

      At least he didn't stand his ground and shoot her.

  • Angry_Marmot

    "So how about that, Mr. Smarty-Pants Communist? Mr. College Professor? Mr. Beatnick? Mr. Hippie?"

    • TribecaMike

      Re Chris Christie: He's no fun, he fell right over.

      • Angry_Marmot

        "That's America, buddy!"

        • TribecaMike

          Gucci shoes for industry!

    • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

      They didn't ask questions like that back in 1776, they were too busy singing songs…

  • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Hi 3 Doors Down: You didn't build that. #hendrix

    • TribecaMike

      In their case, "these go to one."

  • mr bojangles

    dad breyers ice cream. now i get why he went postal on the boardwalk while clutching his vanilla cone

  • ttommyunger

    Mark Shields, former Marine. New Gingrich, former draft dodger. Newt isn't used to being talked down to by a member of the Media, but it just happens that way sometimes, happily.

  • Negropolis

    Wait, wait, wait. Did Andrea Mitchell actually just utter "What up wit that?" Seriously, Andrea? lol

    • obfuscator2

      you go, gurrrrl!

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      She's bound to pick up some of that ghetto talk from Alan.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      LZ, stop rippin' on Andrea, man.

    • BoroPrimorac

      Did she give Santorum the gas face?

  • SorosBot

    Well I've drunk a lot of wine, and I'm feeling fine, gonna raise some cab to bed, is this concrete all around or is it in my head?

    • TribecaMike

      Reminds me of Johnny Otis. Damn, I sure miss Johnny Otis.

  • arihaya

    the Dog Whistles are so loud you can hear it from the Antarctic,

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      From Sirius.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Oh crap, Jim, I just noticed the SKS reference. Sigh.

  • TribecaMike

    "Tomorrow night… Condoleezza Rice, who is beloved." That's good sarcasm, Rachel Maddow (and Condi's parents: "Con dolcezza" mio culo.)

    • T3rbo

      I went to the school where Condi got her PhD. The course was taught by some high level administrator who was selling the company line that they school was the "harvard of the plains." I very respectfully asked this instructor to prove this point, and she said that very esteemed alum had graced this prairie harvard's halls. I said, who exactly, and she said "Well, condi rice." My clasroom decorum totally failed me, and I made a face that probably looked like I had swallowed one of those sour candies, but one that was contaminated. Yeah, I love her as much as I respect her

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Oh my God. Just saw the half-term governor of Alaska on FOX News. It's like someone took a shredded document, threw it into a OCR, hit randomize, then saw what the longest run on sentence it could generate without being per gibberish.

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Peggy Noonan said of Ann Romney's speech "I'm sure some people will have found her very appealing.".

    My God, was it that bad?

    • Doktor Zoom

      It's not quite Molly Ivins on Pat Buchanan, is it?

      • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

        I think all of the fascism tonight probably sounded better in the original German.

    • Negropolis

      "People" as opposed to…?

      Or was she speaking of corporations as "people"?

    • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

      Wow, from Noonanington, that sounds icy and condescending.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Almost as icy and condescending as Ann herself, and that's no mean feat.

      • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

        It was. It was.

  • Negropolis

    You know, they say elephants never forget. Well, I hope they haven't forgotten the drubbing they took in 2008, because it's coming back around.

  • Negropolis

    I love how at the end of Ann's speech she describe Romney, again, as the "tall, kinda charming guy…" Kinda' charming, eh? Talk about daming with faint praise. I mean, she was being totally honest, but if there was any time to tell a white lie, it should have been talking about the love for her husband. lol

    • TribecaMike

      I caught that too, and expected her to wink after saying it, especially since she kept doing that Palin pointy finger thing.

      • Negropolis

        I heard nervous laughter and saw some confused looks when she slipped that in. Maybe she did it to try and humanize him, but it came off way too honestly.

        • TribecaMike

          I wonder if the other three or four viewers who tuned in noticed it.

          • Negropolis

            lol

            BTW, sometimes I don't mind being harsh, but my take on Ann makes me regret it, sometime. She strikes me as a bright woman, a woman who could have had everything she wanted and more, but a person who chose to shrink herself out of what she thought was love. I see her, and it makes me sad more than anything else. I do not for one minute believe that this daughter of an intelligent, successful Welsh immigrant who was damned-near an aetheist is anything other than a resigned convert to her husband's particularly anti-woman religion, and it makes me sad.

            So, she goes through the motions, and it's clearly evident, and while I don't doubt that she loves the idea of Mitt Romney, she always comes across as a psychological hostage. I hate judging people's relationships like this, but it's just too evident to ignore when you see them.

          • Doktor Zoom

            Goddammit, now you've got me feeling sorry for her.

            EDIT: Almost.

          • bobbert

            Not even close.

          • Arborista

            “People think Mitt’s such a strong person, but I run the show,” she once said laughingly to a reporter from the Boston Herald.
            http://swampland.time.com/2012/08/28/the-ascent-o

          • TribecaMike

            Classic battered wife denial syndrome.

          • Arborista

            I don't know about battered, but clearly in denial if she's telling people she's never had a serious argument with her husband. If not, why not?

            I think she is probably over-zealous in her desire to be an obedient Mormon wife- many converts (to any religion) try to out-do the non-converts, for some reason. If she's a superior wife, it means she's got a superior husband, maybe.

          • Negropolis

            Oh, bullshit, Ann. You lost whatever independence you had when you converted to that ridiculously cynical and wholly contrived thing they call a religion. But, hey, whatever helps you sleep at night.

          • DahBoner

            Once again, "Intentional Ignorance" = $$$$.

            It's all they've ever known…

          • Chichikovovich

            I don't mind being harsh, but my take on Ann makes me regret it, sometime.

            I dunno Negropolis. It seems to me that Ann has given you people everything you need to judge her harshly with no regrets.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          There's nothing charming about a guy who insists on being served his dinner before his children and grandchildren because the little ones just take too long and discombobulate His Highness. The hallmark of a good human being is being willing to accommodate others with lovingkindness. This stiff ain't got none'a that shit in his grimy little insides.

          • viennawoods13

            Seriously? Well, fuck him.

  • gullywompr

    Just saw a clip of Boehner threatening to throw Obama out of his bar. Damn he looked stewed.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I've heard that he almost always is after midday, and pretty much useless after four. Could be just gossip or even lies, but judging from his constant, easy tears, I'd say there's every chance he's long been fighting a losing battle with the bottle.

  • TribecaMike

    OT, but if Chris Matthews calls JFK "Jack" one more time, I'm whipping out the shillelagh.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Give him the mother and father of all beatings, won't you, lad.

      • TribecaMike

        The auld triangle
        goes jingle jangle…

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Someone has been spiking Chris' punch lately. MSNBC should pay an intern to shoot him with a tranq dart when the manic meds wear off.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Everything will be seen differently tomorrow. It's the Hang-Overton Window

  • TribecaMike

    New rule: Every time Santorum mentions his coal miner grandfather, he has to mention Romney's pervy grandpa (as well as how said grandpa received federal relocation money when he moved back to the states).

    • MosesInvests

      If he mentions his grandfather, he needs to mention that his grandfather was a Communist.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        As are most of his family till today, and they mostly hate his stupid fucking ass.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    10:38 — Chris Christie’s parents were the poorest people who have ever lived. Mom took 64 buses to work, and made no money, ever.

    Yeah, that's because she had to ride that awful gubmint transportation! If the private sector just took it all over, then she woulda got a one-way front-door-pickup and been transported at the speed-of-sound to her workplace and it woulda cost half-a-penny, and she woulda cut a penny in half with a tin snips and that's onnacount that the private sector is so much more efficient and better and less expensive than the thousand dollar toilet seat hammers that the president charges people for freedom.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I don't understand how and why people who LIVED this scenario and are smart enough to make it through law school and hold down top-ranking private and public sector jobs can be so stupid as to fail to see the giant gaping fucking HOLES in their logic.

      • DahBoner

        "Intentional Ignorance + GOP + Xtian" = $$$$

  • fartknocker

    The only thing I heard tonight was other GOP governors who believe they would be really good Presidents. Other than Ann, the GOP hate this Mitt dude. I'm a retired liberal firefighter so I know how I am voting. Thursday will be entertaining and scary. I hope he tells jokes and sings. But the RNC is smart enough to script the message.

    I sure hope my President wins. And I'm missing Barb and I love LimeyLizzie. Adios Wonketters. I hope the party in Tampon, FL was entertaining. The last round was paid for by Fartknocker.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    Politics Wednesday on NPR tomorrow – Smell ya later!

  • ElPinche

    What's with all the ruckus??? Oh yeah, it's Honkeytown (GOP convention). Eh fuck that. Back to my Dr. Who marathon.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      More interesting, too.

      • Arborista

        More realistic…

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

    So… wow. I was sort of amazed, most of all, with how Obama managed to have a bigger presence at the RNC than Mitt Romney, despite not being invited.

    And I don't even mean as a big scary foreign blah guy that takes away white people's jobs to give blah people welfare, even. Rather, the entire night seemed to be about defending against the Obama campaign's attacks, from the past several months. Make no mistake, folks, these guys were on the defensive, and they were feeling vulnerable.

    Just look at the major themes of the night, if you don't believe me:

    *Women (leading to the two most tacked-on, desperate-sounding shoutouts of the evening, from Ann Romney and Chris Christie, respectively)
    *Truth, and the telling thereof, even when difficult
    *Working-class roots (albiet 2-3 generations removed)
    *How Democrats (and Obama in particular) are willing to say anything to get elected, and do anything to beat the other guys.
    *What Partisanship?
    *Mitt is totally funny! I swear!!!

    They should have spent this evening attacking Obama, talking about his "failed policies" and how "he wants to fundamentally change the country", and so forth, as a prelude to Mitt Romney's triumphant debut as Not-Obama. Instead of attacking, though, they spent the entire evening defending against percieved Obama attacks.

    Well, in between the GOP bench-warmers attempting to promote themselves, or promote the platonic concept of a Republican party, instead of their Presidential candidate or their actual policies.

    But, yeah, overall, a very pathetic evening.

    • Oblios_Cap

      it's a pretty pathetic cast of characters.

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

        The worst part was that, in terms of raw charisma, conversational tone, and style, Chris Cristie's speech was probably the best of the bunch. And that's despite the fact that it was largely substance-free, utterly graceless and self-aggrandizing (he took the stage after Ann Romney and didn't deign to mention her at the outset, nor even the Republican nominee himself until at least 2/3 of the way through the speech), and again, aimed at shoring up a perceived weakness.

        Oh, and also the thing where his dominant theme "Machiavelli's The Prince, updated for Contemporary New Jersey Vernacular" completely contradicted and undermined Ann Romney's immediately preceding speech, "Let's Talk about Love".

        And his was the best speech of the evening, despite all that. ಠ_ಠ

    • Guppy

      Whatever it is, they're doing it well enough to remain relatively even in the polls.

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

        I'm inclined to disagree on that point. The stuff I'm talking about are clear signals that Republicans don't think Republicans are winning right now, and that Republicans think Republicans are vulnerable. You never attack your opponent's popularity when you're winning, and you don't go around loudly saying WHAT WOMEN PROBLEM if you don't think the gender gap is a real issue.

        Either they're looking at different poll numbers than you are right now, or they're reading the same poll numbers in a radically differen't way.

        Besides which, "relatively even in the polls*" is probably not a great place to be at this point, all told. Not only did they not get much of a post-VP bump, but they're not going to have a post-convention honeymoon period, either; as soon as the RNC's over, the DNC starts. It seems doubtfull they'll see a net improvement coming out of these two weeks, unless they do really outperform, but last night's start wasn't really a good beginning for that effort.

  • ElPinche

    For tomorrow's GOP convention schedule, the audience will get a chance to throw peanuts at an Obama hologram.

    • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      Ah, I see what you did with an overlooked development, there.

    • T3rbo

      Whoops, typographical error. You meant Hitlergruß, right?

  • ElPinche

    Speaking of holograms, that Eva Braun in a red dress hologram was fantastic.

  • T3rbo

    Re: santorum. Growing up Catholic, the people I hated and distrusted the most were actual practicing catholics. I trust them about as much as I trust Mormons, Islamo-fascists, orthodox jews, and moonies. Present company excluded, of course.
    That is still my rule of thumb. And still, no one will read this comment.

    • bobbert

      Ha.

      • T3rbo

        oh no-I hope you are not the pope? If you are, I don't care about going to hell, just don't tell my mom any of this….

  • TribecaMike

    Funny how Christie never mentioned Ann Romney nor her speech. Stay classy, egotist.

    • T3rbo

      What's he going to say? I watched the highlights on the news. "Vote for Mitt, he is not going to fail!" That's all I can remember.
      And we're talking about Jersey Chris, what's he going to say? "Great fuckin' job, lady. Who did you fuck to get into this thing, again?"

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Christie wants some distance between himself and the Romneys for 2016, with his waistline he has a great head start.

  • shebeers

    Michelle Obama or Ann Romney? It's like giving up a delicious dish of mocha almond fudge for a scoop of vanilla.

  • DrunkIrishman

    Ann Romney is about as authentic as her face lift.

  • misantropo

    Two Kochs makes for a lot of Santorum…

  • Misty Malarky

    I was gonna watch this, but that new reality show starring the hot Siamese Twins debuted last night on TLC….

  • Negropolis

    OT: Is what I'm hearing true? I'm hearing angels sing. Apparently Baby Quayle has been defeated in his Republican primary. Good fuckin' riddance.

    • LibertyLover

      Yes. He has been defeated…. but the Congress critter that beat him ain't much better. Quayle's opponent is currently my congress critter that got redistricted out of my area…

      But Danny Quayle's son is out.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, I've been completely off the grid for the last two weeks. Did I miss anything exciting?

    • Oblios_Cap

      not a damn thing.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Great! Now I just have to get back in snarking shape, get back my game.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Let's go for 1,000 comments! And claim we built it ourselves.

    • finallyhappy

      I think Ken and Jim and Becky will claim they built it(but we helped!)

  • Misty Malarky

    So, the girls played 'Chubby Bunny' with some fondue marshmallows and somebody asked how in the world are you supposed do the Hemlich Manuver on a couple of Siamese Twins. "Improvise!" the girls giggled in unison.

    It was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo adorable!

    • iTuna

      When do they go get an X-ray and/or an MRI? That's what I wanna see.

  • DahBoner

    Shorter GOP Convention: White Man Speak With Forked Tongue

    • Oblios_Cap

      I think that I saw a couple of "persons of color" in the crowd. They had Condi Rice, and she was black & a woman. A real GOP two-fer.

      • Biff

        Don't forget the black camerawoman they thought was hungry and threw nuts at…

  • elviouslyqueer

    I really hate that I missed all this pedantic speechifying, but I had other plans including eating shitty Chinese food, watching wall-to-wall hurricane coverage, and then having awesome buttsecks with my hubs.

    I'm real America, and I approve this message. Suck it also, Ann "Real Mom with a Real Marriage" Romney.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Dang. I have done both of those Ann things, and only one stuck – luckily the kids like me. But man I would really like to have done two out of your three things – since the storm isn't really hitting Alabama like it could have I don't care as much about the hurricane.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    “little broken hands of the disabled”

    Murder on the Orient Express:

    I… I was born backwards. That is why I work in Africa as missionary, teaching little brown babies more backward than myself.

  • zhenjiu

    Beyond the hysterically funny articles here on Wonkette are the equally clever and humorous comments. It is a monumental CHORE to keep my bottom on my seat, and to keep said seat dry, all from uncontrolled laughter. Liquefied ham sandwiches!!! Fuck you, white boy!!! Wonkette is PRICELESS!!

  • Steverino247

    What no notice of the "attendee" who threw nuts at a black CNN camerawoman and said "This is how we feed animals" as it was done?
    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/2012/08/cnn

  • ChrisM2011

    I enjoyed hearing how Ann and Mitt had to rough it when they were younger. Scrounging around, selling stock options they found between the cushions like a couple of teenagers…

  • LibertyLover

    My biggest takeaway from last night is that Chris Christie says that we can't have nice things anymore because everyone except those making over 250K has to sacrifice. (That and Republicans want Government out of small businesses and into women's vaginas.)

  • Misty Malarky

    Boy howdy. YOU PEOPLE really watch some disgusting, tasteless exploitation televison.

    So anyways and then the girls tried on their caps and gown!

    That's no typo!!

    TWO caps and only ONE gown!

    They were a-door-a-bul!!!

  • VeraSevera

    Wow, Wonkette! You make it sound like you were actually there!