WATER IS LIFE  12:05 pm August 28, 2012

DC Statehood Push Now Officially Terrorist Organization

by Major Major Major Major

Still tastier than DC Water

EXCLUSIVE, MUST CREDIT WONKETTE (and the Associated Press). Wonkette has learned of a plot by proponents of DC statehood to achieve their goal through the use of poison against members of Congress and the newly inaugurated president next January.

A domestic terrorist group calling itself “DC Water” announced the plan through channels commonly used by jihadists late last week.

The so-called “General Manager” of DC Water, George S. Hawkins, urged Congress to replace the delicious, bottled Saratoga Water it plans to serve at its traditional, post-inaugural luncheon, with a powerful toxin whose street name is “DC tap” or simply “tap water.”

Playing on Tea Party thriftiness, Hawkins claims that DC tap is available for only pennies a gallon. A federal investigative source said that the plotters hoped to persuade conservatives to drink the water, causing enough deaths to allow surviving liberals (who are presumed to carry their own, filtered water with them at all times) to ram through a DC statehood measure.

As a District native, DC congressional delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton has built up immunity to the toxic effects of the substance, which consists mainly of chlorine, chloramine, orthophosphate and dihydrogen monoxide.

As a frequent visitor and sometimes resident to the Greater Washington DC area, this correspondent can report personal exposure to DC water, to the extent that he now drinks it, unfiltered, almost exclusively. While the toxic effects dissipate with long exposure, the taste remains, in technical terms, extremely nasty.

One water scientist described the flavor as “a combination of those plastic-packaged boiled eggs you get at the convenience store, and the stuff they make you drink before you have a colonoscopy.”

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 78 comments }

ChillBill August 28, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Let them drink sewage.

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Or, as the French pronounce it "syoo-AHZ"

Crank_Tango August 28, 2012 at 12:37 pm

I love how they refer to the shit at the bottom as "les sables (sands)" — I took the Paris sewer tour once!

Beowoof August 28, 2012 at 12:35 pm

What's the difference?

Lascauxcaveman August 28, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Really, it's best to leave the sewage canal to the Egyptians.

Beowoof August 28, 2012 at 12:10 pm

It must be a liberal terrorist plot. However, still not as dramatic as those guys in Georgia.

ChernobylSoup August 28, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Jesus could turn it to wine, but it would have to be consumed before President Romney's inevitable executive order banning alcohol in DC.

DahBoner August 28, 2012 at 1:17 pm

THE COMING ROMNEY PROHIBITION

I think I saw that on Frontline…

sullivanst August 28, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Could we turn "The Mormons Are Coming For Your Coffee" into a thing like "The Democrats Are Coming For Your Guns" only with more basis in reality?

HogeyeGrex August 28, 2012 at 2:19 pm

I read it on the internet. It must be true.

Mormon Sharia Prohibition!

nounverb911 August 28, 2012 at 12:11 pm

That's some catch?

Steverino247 August 28, 2012 at 12:13 pm

I am the bombadier.

eggsacklywright August 28, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I see everything twice!

MosesInvests August 28, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Ou sont les niegeons d'antan?

elviouslyqueer August 28, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Better living through chemicals, bitches!

nounverb911 August 28, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Can we move Congress to Bhopal then?

eggsacklywright August 28, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Can we get the lead out with magnets? I don't know the science.

OneDollarJuana August 28, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Oh, would that we could get Congress to get the lead out.

weejee August 28, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Now iffin' ya can just get the lead out.

no_gravity August 28, 2012 at 12:13 pm

That dihydrogen monoxide will get you every time.

WhatTheHolyHeck August 28, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Seriously. One lungful and it's all over.

UnholyMoses August 28, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Who cares, as it's mostly drank by blah people (or, as they're also called: Those Who Actually Live in DC Outside of Georgetown).

Though the amount of lead in it probably explains Congress. 'Cause, ya know, it makes one … um … mentally less aware and able than most others in the general population.

mrpuma2u August 28, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Egg zacklee. "Those people" will just elect a radical blah who will do whatever "that one" tells them to.

horsedreamer_1 August 28, 2012 at 8:44 pm

I drink DC Tap annually, from the kitchen faucet in the Mount Pleasant home of my fantasy baseball league's founder.

coolhandnuke August 28, 2012 at 12:16 pm

They get their hydration by skinny dipping in the Reflecting Pond.

nounverb911 August 28, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Or the Sea of Galilea.

fartknocker August 28, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Dihydrogen monoxide: oh the horror! That is such a pervasive group of molecules. We should alert API and ask the industry leaders to covert it to fuel for all of our liberal Prius driving friends.

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 12:18 pm

All these covalent activities should be the subject of much scrutiny and retort.

fartknocker August 28, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Jim Inhofe will make sure that API will take full advantage of this revelation. I saw him last week at Lowe's picking up a new pair of knee pads since he spends so much time on his knees sucking BP and Chevron's collective cocks.

calliecallie August 28, 2012 at 12:17 pm

"Let them drink tap" – Marie Antoinette

no_gravity August 28, 2012 at 12:28 pm

"Out of the garden hose" – Ann Romney

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 12:18 pm

I'd tap that.

PubOption August 28, 2012 at 12:18 pm

" public water supply…" Mittens will have Bain buy it up on his first day in office.

nounverb911 August 28, 2012 at 12:24 pm

And outsource it to China?

MacRaith August 28, 2012 at 12:19 pm

You know all those online inventors who try to sell you a car engine that runs on tap water? They keep forgetting to tell you that it requires DC tap water.

OneDollarJuana August 28, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Or fracking water.

TootsStansbury August 28, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Don't forget, fluoride will turn you commie!

freakishlywrong August 28, 2012 at 12:22 pm

I'd believe this if I believed that conservatards drink water. (They don't, they subsist wholly on the bitter, bitter tears of resentment and victim hood and the sweat of "you peoples" hard work).

Mumbletypeg August 28, 2012 at 12:22 pm

claims that DC tap is available for only pennies a gallon.

With savings like that, the profit margin is sure to be sound. AND…
(wait for it…)
…everybody gets a share!

no_gravity August 28, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Socialist!!!111!!11!

johnnymeatworth August 28, 2012 at 12:25 pm

"What the hell is this? I'm thirsty, not dirty!"
–Frank Sinatra

coolhandnuke August 28, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Elitist canosewers.

MinAgain August 28, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Republicans tweet racist joke from the convention featuring "tap" water and President Obama in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

weejee August 28, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Major Major Major Major are you hosin' us?

Redrighthand August 28, 2012 at 12:27 pm

TAP LIBEL!

eggsacklywright August 28, 2012 at 12:28 pm

General Jack Ripper endorses this message. Purity of Essence.

mavenmaven August 28, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Not nuclear enough.

Oblios_Cap August 28, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I never get tired of the pictures of the Cuyahoga River burning. Great moments in American history!

gullywompr August 28, 2012 at 12:55 pm

And, because referenced photograph is in black and white, it is perfect for a post on DC statehood. Well played, Major Major Major Major, well played.

Monsieur_Grumpe August 28, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Todd Akin (Mr Science) is scared of getting pregnant from drinking DC water.

MissTaken August 28, 2012 at 12:31 pm

But plants crave Brawndo.

ManchuCandidate August 28, 2012 at 12:31 pm

It's Pierre Charles L'Enfant's Revenge!!!

Oblios_Cap August 28, 2012 at 12:32 pm

One water scientist described the flavor as “a combination of those plastic-packaged boiled eggs you get at the convenience store, and the stuff they make you drink before you have a colonoscopy.”

That would certainly make for a entertaining ad campaign.

4TheTurnstiles August 28, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Major major major major is good and all, but I'm holding out for the nurse whose nipples stand out like bing cherries for Our Wonkette. or Dori Duz.

MoeDeLawn August 28, 2012 at 3:28 pm

the maid in the lime green panties will do in a pinch.

Jus_Wonderin August 28, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Our well water (on the farm) would rust out a hot water heater in a couple of years. Thankfully, that would be under warranty from Sears so we'd just go get another one.

Now, I am not quite sure I can remember what this water did to our bodies, but then I can't really remember much at all. I can't really remember much at all. I can't really remember much at all.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

RadioBowels August 28, 2012 at 12:35 pm

And we shall all pay homage to her infinite highness Eleanor Holmes Norton!

fawkedifiknow August 28, 2012 at 12:40 pm

That plot makes more sense than Ryan's "Path to Prosperity."

hagajim August 28, 2012 at 12:40 pm

DC Water…I'd tap that!

UnholyMoses August 28, 2012 at 12:40 pm

I can assure anyone that what one drinks before a date with Colon Cam is eleventy bajillions times worse than DC Water.

The Valium, on the other hand, is of much, much higher quality.

Lazy Media August 28, 2012 at 4:00 pm

They must have a better version now, because I got anal-probed earlier this year, and it was the biggest anticlimax in that it was barely unpleasant. The stuff I drank was just massive doses of high-fiber laxative mixed with Gatorade, which tasted like Gatorade. Then I peed out my butt every few hours, and had really awesome anesthetic for the procedure, and went home feeling great. The self-administered enema was the worst part, and it was just mildly annoying. All that plumbing flush cured my irritable bowel symptoms, too. I'm kind of looking forward to my five-year follow up.

UnholyMoses August 28, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Well, turns out that my body does NOT like all the stuff they have you take, as it made be crazy sick on both ends.

I can't even look at a bottle of lemon-lime Gatorade without feeling like I'm gonna hurl …

Antispandex August 28, 2012 at 12:45 pm

This problem is not restricted to just our nation's capitol. I was in California this year, and the water has the flavor and odor of swimming pool. Sure, that's not bad in a , you know, swimming pool, but out of the tap? What plot could possibly be taking place there? It's already a state and everything. Killing off the last bastion of conservatardishness (Orange County)? Those bastards!

sullivanst August 28, 2012 at 12:45 pm

WATER IS LIFE

The Spice Melange libel!

Incitefully_Joe August 28, 2012 at 12:47 pm

I'm pretty sure I've played this video game already

sewollef August 28, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Am I totally alone in not understanding this post?

I feel so stupid.

gullywompr August 28, 2012 at 12:59 pm

John has a long mustache.

Lazy Media August 28, 2012 at 3:53 pm

It's an attempt to put some DC back in the DC Gossip, like the old Wonkabout feature. Because DC tap water really does taste like ass.

gullywompr August 28, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Pfft! I slurp it from the hallway water fountain several times a day, and can assure you that it causes no ill effects whats

Chet Kincaid_ August 28, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Oh yeah, I saw "DC Water" when it came out in '77! Sidney Poitier, John Amos, Leslie Uggams and Jayne Kennedy (rowr!), with special guest appearances by Tim Conway and the Ohio Players! The Roller Boogie chase sequence on the Washington Mall was hysterical!

Guppy August 28, 2012 at 12:59 pm

But does using tap water let the GOP support Jesus' own plastic bottle industry?

DahBoner August 28, 2012 at 1:15 pm

More imprtantly, I bought some weird beets last weekend that were red on the outside, but white on the inside.

Why? WHY? WHY?????

oenspiek August 28, 2012 at 1:57 pm

DC statehood? Are they still on about that?

Think outside the box, people! If the States won't have you, maybe Canada will!

belmontreport August 28, 2012 at 2:22 pm

If they really want to piss them off, they should provide each of them with a re-usable bottle made out of glass or aluminum.

But they'd probably ask what they were supposed to do with them after they were done (like my cousin's kids when they used a non-paper plate at my mom's house). "Do we throw this in the garbage or something?"

BZ1 August 28, 2012 at 3:04 pm

When my sons owned a local newspaper, they did an exposé on bottled water and found almost all of it being tap water.

gullywompr August 28, 2012 at 3:24 pm

"Water?!?! I don't drink water! Fish fuck in it!"
~ WC Fields

ttommyunger August 28, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Lest ye forget, sheeples, Monsanto holds the Patent.

Negropolis August 29, 2012 at 2:49 am

This is one thing I love about Michigan. The tap water is almost always excellent. For all of its economic problems, it's great to have the lakes around and some clean aquifers. Detroit was smart to gets its water from way upstream straight out of Lake Huron.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: