DC Statehood Push Now Officially Terrorist Organization

  water is life

Still tastier than DC Water

EXCLUSIVE, MUST CREDIT WONKETTE (and the Associated Press). Wonkette has learned of a plot by proponents of DC statehood to achieve their goal through the use of poison against members of Congress and the newly inaugurated president next January.

A domestic terrorist group calling itself “DC Water” announced the plan through channels commonly used by jihadists late last week.

The so-called “General Manager” of DC Water, George S. Hawkins, urged Congress to replace the delicious, bottled Saratoga Water it plans to serve at its traditional, post-inaugural luncheon, with a powerful toxin whose street name is “DC tap” or simply “tap water.”

Playing on Tea Party thriftiness, Hawkins claims that DC tap is available for only pennies a gallon. A federal investigative source said that the plotters hoped to persuade conservatives to drink the water, causing enough deaths to allow surviving liberals (who are presumed to carry their own, filtered water with them at all times) to ram through a DC statehood measure.

As a District native, DC congressional delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton has built up immunity to the toxic effects of the substance, which consists mainly of chlorine, chloramine, orthophosphate and dihydrogen monoxide.

As a frequent visitor and sometimes resident to the Greater Washington DC area, this correspondent can report personal exposure to DC water, to the extent that he now drinks it, unfiltered, almost exclusively. While the toxic effects dissipate with long exposure, the taste remains, in technical terms, extremely nasty.

One water scientist described the flavor as “a combination of those plastic-packaged boiled eggs you get at the convenience store, and the stuff they make you drink before you have a colonoscopy.”

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78 comments

      1. Crank_Tango

        I love how they refer to the shit at the bottom as "les sables (sands)" — I took the Paris sewer tour once!

  1. ChernobylSoup

    Jesus could turn it to wine, but it would have to be consumed before President Romney's inevitable executive order banning alcohol in DC.

      1. sullivanst

        Could we turn "The Mormons Are Coming For Your Coffee" into a thing like "The Democrats Are Coming For Your Guns" only with more basis in reality?

  2. UnholyMoses

    Who cares, as it's mostly drank by blah people (or, as they're also called: Those Who Actually Live in DC Outside of Georgetown).

    Though the amount of lead in it probably explains Congress. 'Cause, ya know, it makes one … um … mentally less aware and able than most others in the general population.

    1. mrpuma2u

      Egg zacklee. "Those people" will just elect a radical blah who will do whatever "that one" tells them to.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      I drink DC Tap annually, from the kitchen faucet in the Mount Pleasant home of my fantasy baseball league's founder.

  3. fartknocker

    Dihydrogen monoxide: oh the horror! That is such a pervasive group of molecules. We should alert API and ask the industry leaders to covert it to fuel for all of our liberal Prius driving friends.

      1. fartknocker

        Jim Inhofe will make sure that API will take full advantage of this revelation. I saw him last week at Lowe's picking up a new pair of knee pads since he spends so much time on his knees sucking BP and Chevron's collective cocks.

  4. MacRaith

    You know all those online inventors who try to sell you a car engine that runs on tap water? They keep forgetting to tell you that it requires DC tap water.

  5. freakishlywrong

    I'd believe this if I believed that conservatards drink water. (They don't, they subsist wholly on the bitter, bitter tears of resentment and victim hood and the sweat of "you peoples" hard work).

  6. Mumbletypeg

    claims that DC tap is available for only pennies a gallon.

    With savings like that, the profit margin is sure to be sound. AND…
    (wait for it…)
    …everybody gets a share!

  7. MinAgain

    Republicans tweet racist joke from the convention featuring "tap" water and President Obama in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

  8. Oblios_Cap

    I never get tired of the pictures of the Cuyahoga River burning. Great moments in American history!

    1. gullywompr

      And, because referenced photograph is in black and white, it is perfect for a post on DC statehood. Well played, Major Major Major Major, well played.

  9. Oblios_Cap

    One water scientist described the flavor as “a combination of those plastic-packaged boiled eggs you get at the convenience store, and the stuff they make you drink before you have a colonoscopy.”

    That would certainly make for a entertaining ad campaign.

  10. Jus_Wonderin

    Our well water (on the farm) would rust out a hot water heater in a couple of years. Thankfully, that would be under warranty from Sears so we'd just go get another one.

    Now, I am not quite sure I can remember what this water did to our bodies, but then I can't really remember much at all. I can't really remember much at all. I can't really remember much at all.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

  11. UnholyMoses

    I can assure anyone that what one drinks before a date with Colon Cam is eleventy bajillions times worse than DC Water.

    The Valium, on the other hand, is of much, much higher quality.

    1. Lazy Media

      They must have a better version now, because I got anal-probed earlier this year, and it was the biggest anticlimax in that it was barely unpleasant. The stuff I drank was just massive doses of high-fiber laxative mixed with Gatorade, which tasted like Gatorade. Then I peed out my butt every few hours, and had really awesome anesthetic for the procedure, and went home feeling great. The self-administered enema was the worst part, and it was just mildly annoying. All that plumbing flush cured my irritable bowel symptoms, too. I'm kind of looking forward to my five-year follow up.

      1. UnholyMoses

        Well, turns out that my body does NOT like all the stuff they have you take, as it made be crazy sick on both ends.

        I can't even look at a bottle of lemon-lime Gatorade without feeling like I'm gonna hurl …

  12. Antispandex

    This problem is not restricted to just our nation's capitol. I was in California this year, and the water has the flavor and odor of swimming pool. Sure, that's not bad in a , you know, swimming pool, but out of the tap? What plot could possibly be taking place there? It's already a state and everything. Killing off the last bastion of conservatardishness (Orange County)? Those bastards!

    1. Lazy Media

      It's an attempt to put some DC back in the DC Gossip, like the old Wonkabout feature. Because DC tap water really does taste like ass.

  13. gullywompr

    Pfft! I slurp it from the hallway water fountain several times a day, and can assure you that it causes no ill effects whats

  14. Chet Kincaid_

    Oh yeah, I saw "DC Water" when it came out in '77! Sidney Poitier, John Amos, Leslie Uggams and Jayne Kennedy (rowr!), with special guest appearances by Tim Conway and the Ohio Players! The Roller Boogie chase sequence on the Washington Mall was hysterical!

  15. DahBoner

    More imprtantly, I bought some weird beets last weekend that were red on the outside, but white on the inside.

    Why? WHY? WHY?????

  16. oenspiek

    DC statehood? Are they still on about that?

    Think outside the box, people! If the States won't have you, maybe Canada will!

  17. belmontreport

    If they really want to piss them off, they should provide each of them with a re-usable bottle made out of glass or aluminum.

    But they'd probably ask what they were supposed to do with them after they were done (like my cousin's kids when they used a non-paper plate at my mom's house). "Do we throw this in the garbage or something?"

  18. BZ1

    When my sons owned a local newspaper, they did an exposé on bottled water and found almost all of it being tap water.

  19. Negropolis

    This is one thing I love about Michigan. The tap water is almost always excellent. For all of its economic problems, it's great to have the lakes around and some clean aquifers. Detroit was smart to gets its water from way upstream straight out of Lake Huron.

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