IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN CHARLIE BROWN  11:15 am August 28, 2012

Let’s Play ‘Mystery Date’ With The Republicans!

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

It's the plumber, I've come to fix the sink

Political Wire asks, we answer!

Republican convention planners appear to have a surprise planned for those tuning in Thursday night, the Wall Street Journal reports.

“Buried deep in the convention schedule released Monday is a vague reference to a mystery speaker scheduled for the event’s final evening. ‘To Be Announced’ has a prime speaking slot late in the Thursday program.”

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[PoliticalWire]

 
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{ 277 comments }

ChernobylSoup August 28, 2012 at 11:18 am

Hologram Hitler?

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 11:19 am

Say, you know who else was a hologram?

BornInATrailer August 28, 2012 at 11:23 am

Jem's band?

noodlesalad August 28, 2012 at 11:26 am

Emperor Palpatine?

Estproph August 28, 2012 at 11:26 am

Arnold Rimmer?

punkneverdies August 28, 2012 at 12:08 pm

YES

ManchuCandidate August 28, 2012 at 11:28 am

Rimmer

SorosBot August 28, 2012 at 11:31 am

Voyager's Doctor?

SorosBot August 28, 2012 at 11:41 am

Tupac?

RadioBowels August 28, 2012 at 11:50 am

Nat King Cole?

Generation[redacted] August 28, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Evil Abraham Lincoln?

MissTaken August 28, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Jambi the Genie on Pee Wee's Playhouse?

UnholyMoses August 28, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Princess Leia?

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Milli Vanilli?

Not only weren't they really singing, they weren't even there.

Crank_Tango August 28, 2012 at 11:50 am

Shit will get really weird when he says "yo what up Coachelllllaaaaa!"

HamsterSandwich August 28, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I'm guessing someone who also belongs to the "Lemon Party". (Don't go there)

/ / / / Googles "Lemon Party". Head explodes!

Calapine August 28, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Nonsense, Hitler is way too RINO.

Sharkey August 28, 2012 at 11:18 am

That lady up there in the pink bikini?

SorosBot August 28, 2012 at 11:20 am

Her skin is way too dark.

chicken_thief August 28, 2012 at 11:32 am

And her dick isn't big enough, but she could bring us sammiches.

PrimlyStable August 28, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Haven't you seen The Crying Game?

chicken_thief August 28, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Isn't it a bit premature for Boehner to do a bio? But, uh, no…. I haven't it.

MOG2410 August 28, 2012 at 12:32 pm

A 60's tan, before there was skin cancer. Bain De Soleil for the San Tropez tan!!!

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Takes me back to the days of going Down the Shore with a bottle of baby oil — you know, so we'd burn faster.

MOG2410 August 28, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Good times, and then some rum and coke and necking under the boardwalk.

CindynEncinitas August 28, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Baby oil with iodine in it to stain our skin if it didn't burn fast enough. And tequila sunrises! Woo hoo!

Tundra Grifter August 28, 2012 at 1:09 pm

The Blah dude behind the door is also dressed for the beach. Coincidence? I think not…

GregComlish August 28, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Eascey Mon. Tey bot' fro Jamaica mon.

Tundra Grifter August 29, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Irie!

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 11:19 am

Late on Thursday?

Won't most of the base be asleep by then? I know I will. Or I'll be tuned into TNA Wrest–

HULK HOGAN!

garryboldwater August 28, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Hulk Hogan is still alive? WTF….

mercianomad August 28, 2012 at 11:19 am

Janine Turner

viennawoods13 August 28, 2012 at 11:28 am

Nope, she's on tonight.

Lascauxcaveman August 28, 2012 at 12:03 pm

So? Northern Exposure spent years in re-runs. She's used to it.

OkieDokieDog August 28, 2012 at 11:19 am

You guys! It's gotta be JEEBUS!

Estproph August 28, 2012 at 11:24 am

He'd get tossed out so fast it would be amazing

Mumbletypeg August 28, 2012 at 11:40 am

But that's ok by him. He's the one famous for saying he'd never fit in with any club that'd have him as a member, right?

Arborista August 28, 2012 at 11:51 am

Jeebus is America's most famous Marxist!

PrimlyStable August 28, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Bearded gent from the Middle East, wearing robes and constantly going on about how he can talk to God? He'd never make it onto the plane to Florida, never mind as far as the convention.

nounverb911 August 28, 2012 at 11:25 am

Will He be riding a dinosaur?

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Or hovering over a lighthouse?:
http://www.emilysgifts.com/thomaskinkade/913003.h

Kakkeltje August 28, 2012 at 11:55 am
Lascauxcaveman August 28, 2012 at 12:06 pm

It'd have to be Buddy Jesus, channeling his inner frat guy:

"Yo, Blessed are the job creators, for they have all the bucks!"

"Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers – was prolly a big waste of time, dude.'

(Holds up his quart bottle of PBR) "Hold on a sec, I'm gonna see if I can turn this shit into a magnum of Cristal."

"Do unto others … and run like hell.

Standing ovation from that crowd.

Barbara_ August 28, 2012 at 11:19 am

My guess is that Lou Sarah shows up wearing a sweater and a bathing suit, shoots death rays from her new glasses and burns everyone up like ants under a magnifying glass. Then Levi is brought in and is forced to marry Bristol and everyone goes to Waffle House for the reception.

Either that, or they let Donald Trump speak. Both scenarios are equally devastating.

SorosBot August 28, 2012 at 11:34 am

Donald Trump has been talking about some "big surprise" he has coming at the RNC, which some bloggers have figured is likely a video where he "fires" an Obama impersonator; so that probably really is it. Lame.

Incitefully_Joe August 28, 2012 at 11:45 am

Weren't we the first people to speculate that's what it was? I mean, it was kinda the obvious thing, and he was recently seen with an Obama impersonater, so that is pretty much definitely what it was going to be, but I could swear that that was a WONKETE EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT WONKET speculation.

Lascauxcaveman August 28, 2012 at 12:08 pm

RNC oppo research probably reads Wonkette just to get ideas like this.

CindynEncinitas August 28, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Okay, shhhhh you guys!

UnholyMoses August 28, 2012 at 12:21 pm

"Donald Trump has been talking about some "big surprise" he has coming at the RNC … "

His hair stands up and runs away? He admits that multiple bankruptcies =/= financial genius? He helps Rosie O'Donnell have a gay abortion?

INQUIRING MINDS WANNA KNOW!!!!

NellCote71 August 28, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I would bet you too, but all my money is offshore, at least I blindly trust that it is. You will just have to take my word for it. You people have seen all you are going to see of my panties, er, finances.

sullivanst August 28, 2012 at 12:08 pm

I'm so sure it's Trump, I'll bet ten million Mitt-dollars.

UnholyMoses August 28, 2012 at 12:22 pm

I'll bet you no less than 13% of that …

SavageDrummer August 28, 2012 at 12:23 pm

You know the exchange rate between dollars and Mitt-dollars is like 100,000:1 right?

sullivanst August 28, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Why should I care when I'm betting someone else's money?

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Lou Sarah shows up wearing a sweater and a bathing suit Stars 'n' Stripes bikini

luckismine August 28, 2012 at 11:19 am

I'm afraid they're going to Mystery Date Rape me.

Incitefully_Joe August 28, 2012 at 11:27 am

Weird, I was going to say a Holographic Zombie Reagan, too!

MOG2410 August 28, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Are you trying to call down the wrath of Ronald?????

sullivanst August 28, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Welease Woddewick!

zumpie August 28, 2012 at 11:38 am

Well, if you get preggers from it, it will be YOUR fault! Cause you know, legitamate rape, shut it down….etc

Antispandex August 28, 2012 at 11:55 am

Yes, I was thinking that the whole "Mystery Speaker" thing had a little too much of a creepy, touchy, too long of a huggy uncle, sort of vibe. Well, yeah, like the G.O.P. and their rapist and incest baby obsession, sure… so Mystery Date Rape fits well. Good Call!

UnholyMoses August 28, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Wonder what they use for roofies.

My first guess: Roofies.

Second guess: Tax cuts + roofies

Boojum August 28, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Tim Pawlenty.

ChernobylSoup August 28, 2012 at 11:19 am

Aldo Nova?

chicken_thief August 28, 2012 at 11:35 am

Fantasy Libelz!!!

Generation[redacted] August 28, 2012 at 12:07 pm

So forget all that you see
It's not reality, it's just a fantasy

sounds like willard's campaign platform, alright.

SorosBot August 28, 2012 at 11:20 am

One of the Oogieloves?

johnnyzhivago August 28, 2012 at 11:24 am

All of them will appear with the cast of "TopShots", who will then proceed to execute them one by one as they flee into the audience.

ChillBill August 28, 2012 at 11:26 am

I'm one Oogieloves ad away from punching through my laptop screen.

MissTaken August 28, 2012 at 11:26 am

All of the Oogieloves.

SorosBot August 28, 2012 at 11:32 am

Great; more nightmare fuel for tonight.

Chet Kincaid_ August 28, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Victoria Jackson will be entertained.

Steverino247 August 28, 2012 at 11:20 am

May my granddaughter never discover that game.

KathrynSane August 28, 2012 at 11:21 am

In an attempt to showcase their party's diversity, the GOP will bring in a poor black Jewish disabled lesbian to speak briefly about how millionaires getting tax breaks will help her feed her children.

natoslug August 28, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Feed them to what, exactly? The velociraptor-like Wingnut Wife prototypes, Ann and Calista?

Buzz Feedback August 28, 2012 at 11:21 am

Rafalca the Dressage Horse.

LibertyLover August 28, 2012 at 11:24 am

With Newt Gingrich carrying a shovel.

Lascauxcaveman August 28, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Oh? It's nice that he's found work.

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 2:23 pm

his new job is not dissimilar to the entire rest of his career, but less divisive and hateful.

Tommy1733 August 28, 2012 at 1:13 pm

That would be SO COOL

mrpuma2u August 28, 2012 at 11:21 am

AHH-nold makes a cameo and calls Barry O a "girly man"

Maman August 28, 2012 at 11:21 am

The Angel Moroni?

fredbell August 28, 2012 at 11:21 am

Sarah Palin.

BornInATrailer August 28, 2012 at 11:22 am

"Kitt"

Jesus..

Beowoof August 28, 2012 at 11:42 am

They needed someone with a brain.

fredbell August 28, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Yes, of course KITT!!…It stood for Knight-Industries-Two-Thousand…Who didn't know that?

Gratuitous World August 28, 2012 at 11:22 am

Santorum on bath salts.

ManchuCandidate August 28, 2012 at 11:29 am

Who can tell the difference?

hagajim August 28, 2012 at 11:23 am

I think they're going to hold a "legitimate" rape on stage to prove that girl parts can fight the legitimate sperm.

Chet Kincaid_ August 28, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Either the Convention, or Mythbusters.

CindynEncinitas August 28, 2012 at 3:39 pm

But oh to find a "legitimate" Repub girl to rape? No, wait a minute…

horsedreamer_1 August 28, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Megz, nooooooooooooo!

Goonemeritus August 28, 2012 at 11:23 am

I think a group lead period of introspection on when the Republican Party jumped the shark followed by a 45 minute crying jag.

Chet Kincaid_ August 28, 2012 at 1:31 pm

There would have to be a LOT of something in the water.

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 2:25 pm

"Introspection"?
Not only do Rs not know what that means, I'd be amazed if they could even spell it.

johnnyzhivago August 28, 2012 at 11:23 am

Romney paid to have Osama's body dredged up – it will be on display for everyone to have their picture taken with.

sullivanst August 28, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Romney: "I'll take a lot of credit for Bin Laden's death"

LibertyLover August 28, 2012 at 11:23 am

Will it be a DREAM? (OOHHH!) or a DUD? (Waaa Waaa!)

nounverb911 August 28, 2012 at 11:26 am

Bobby Ewing?

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 28, 2012 at 11:24 am

Some butthole that nobody cares about?

Nibbler of Niblonia August 28, 2012 at 11:24 am

Donald Trump is gonna "yer-fired" an Obama impersonator.

Maddow called this last Friday, and Rhodes Scholar Lesbians in jeans and sport coat are never wrong about this kind of thing.

johnnyzhivago August 28, 2012 at 11:27 am

She got it from Pareene, who I am pretty damned sure got it from HERE in my comments!

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 11:36 am

Yea, I read your post posted about this weeks ago.

johnnyzhivago August 28, 2012 at 11:44 am

Then we should share the Internet-Bucks for discovering it!!

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 11:49 am

Oooh, sorry, I spent the Bitcoin…

Chet Kincaid_ August 28, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Nah-ah. I wrote a choose-your-own-adventure novella about this in 1982.

Estproph August 28, 2012 at 11:24 am

David Duke.

weejee August 28, 2012 at 11:24 am

Orly Taitz and the Birthers singing ♪♫ Chain of Foolz ♫♪ ?

metamarcisf August 28, 2012 at 11:25 am

Dave Mustaine and Ted Nugent

Ruhe August 28, 2012 at 11:25 am

Jeff Dunham? Doing his new "Reagan Zombie Puppet" routine?

punkneverdies August 28, 2012 at 11:25 am

They will roll Rush Limbaugh out on a gigantic dolly and he will awe the attendees with his flatulence for 2 hours.

slithytoves August 28, 2012 at 11:39 am

They already have Christie…

punkneverdies August 28, 2012 at 12:09 pm

His asking price was too high, he wanted all of the ham.

Beowoof August 28, 2012 at 11:45 am

Well he is unique in that he can sustain it coming from both ends for the entire two hours.

ThankYouJeebus August 28, 2012 at 12:02 pm

It is amazing. He farts from both ends while drinking a glass of water.

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 2:27 pm
punkneverdies August 28, 2012 at 2:41 pm

A fartiste!

ChernobylSoup August 28, 2012 at 11:25 am

Bin Laden's orphans. The RNC will blame their plight on Obama.

Chet Kincaid_ August 28, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Nice. Easy to coordinate, since George W. Bush is their legal guardian.

Monsieur_Grumpe August 28, 2012 at 11:25 am

Speaking of W, where the hell is the dimwit during all this excitment?

Jus_Wonderin August 28, 2012 at 11:33 am

They dare not even speak his name. We need to remind them.

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 11:37 am

Who?

AncienReggie August 28, 2012 at 11:38 am

New Orleans. Waiting for Isaac.

PubOption August 28, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Cutting brush in his backyard in Dallas.

bobbert August 28, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Who? You mean the former owner of the Texas Rangers?

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 2:29 pm

In an undisclosed location, out of the reach of extradition, finishing his life's work of drinking himself to death.

CthuNHu August 28, 2012 at 3:49 pm

He was invited to attend, but unfortunately had a scheduling conflict.

Where "had a scheduling conflict" means "was bound, gagged, and shackled to the living rock 1500 feet down an abandoned copper mine in Idaho until the election's over."

Freewayblogger August 28, 2012 at 11:26 am

Augusto Pinochet.

ChillBill August 28, 2012 at 11:52 am

He's dating Breitbart.

ChillBill August 28, 2012 at 11:27 am

Are they outsourcing the dating service to Craigslist?

CapnFatback August 28, 2012 at 11:27 am

Can I answer in the form of Jeopardy?

"WHO IS JOHN GALT, ALEX?"

IonaTrailer August 28, 2012 at 11:28 am

The ghost of Valerie Solanas will appear reading the entire text to "SCUM Manifesto".

noodlesalad August 28, 2012 at 11:28 am

The real Mitt Romney, who's been locked in a tower and replaced by a reasonably humanish android for the past thirty years? The flesh and blood Romney will of course endorse the android before being sent back to the dungeon.

Chow Yun Flat August 28, 2012 at 11:28 am

Joseph Smith with more golden tablets.

elviouslyqueer August 28, 2012 at 11:28 am

My bet's on Rick Santorum, who will do a lovely (and feathery!) homage to Josephine Baker before being required by Reince Priebus to immolate himself in front of a life-size effigy of Paul Ryan.

Oh, and in slightly related convention nooz: Is our wingnuts learning?

MOG2410 August 28, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Love it. In a related item, local DE politico, Cher Valenzuela had a huge shoutout in the Sunday paper, talking about how she's bootstrapped herself up from nothing – using family and government loans. But she built that business herself, you betcha!

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Rick Santorum, who will do a lovely (and feathery!) homage to Josephine Baker"

I hope the cheetah bites his nuts off.

freakishlywrong August 28, 2012 at 11:29 am

Zombie Reagan. He like Brraaaaaiinnnns!

TootsStansbury August 28, 2012 at 11:43 am

At this convention? Sorry zombie, nothing to eat here.

freakishlywrong August 28, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I thought that as I hit "submit".. I just wanted to type; "Brraaaaaiinnnns!"

Mumbletypeg August 28, 2012 at 11:51 am

Thanks to you and weejee (above) I now am picturing Zombie-Orly & retinue singing "Brains-brains-brains/ Brains of Fools" ♫

fawkedifiknow August 28, 2012 at 11:29 am

Seamus.

Gleem McShineys August 28, 2012 at 4:18 pm

With a wonderful demonstration of the trickle-down economic theory.

Oblios_Cap August 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

Maybe it's Bain Capital.

Corporations are people, too, my friends.

Joshua Norton August 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

Hologram Ronald Reagan, Hologram Lincoln and Hologram Jeebus reenacting their famous signing of the Declaration of Independence.

Arborista August 28, 2012 at 11:46 am

Add in Hologram George Washington & Hologram James Madison (star player for the Federalist Society) & I think I can believe this one.

Gleem McShineys August 28, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Hologram Dolly Madison, maker of snack cakes we like, would probably woo the hovverround crowd better.

belmontreport August 29, 2012 at 2:51 pm

I think that Fox News either reads Wonkette comments or is reporting that this may be a possibility (the Reagan one, anyway).
http://gawker.com/5938956/fox-news-hints-that-pha

CapnFatback August 28, 2012 at 11:31 am

Actually, it's a misprint. It should read "T. B. Announced," the devil-may-care international playboy with a taste for fine foods, luxurious locales, and exotic women. He plays hard and he works sparingly. Oh, he'll rape your daughter . . . with his charm.

And his penis. His charm and his penis. And his pharmaceutical cabinet of roofies.

Charm, penis, roofies.

not that Dewey August 28, 2012 at 11:51 am

Charm, penis, roofies

He's an expert at CPR.

CapnFatback August 28, 2012 at 11:53 am

Naturally. No one's got more experience with mouth-to-tranquilized-mouth.

PubOption August 28, 2012 at 12:25 pm

T. B. Announced. Well, the republican party is the party of conspicuous consumption.

bobbert August 28, 2012 at 1:51 pm

ISWYDT.

UnholyMoses August 28, 2012 at 12:32 pm

"Charm, penis, roofies."

Typical GOP: Sway you, fuck you, THEN knock you out …

MoeDeLawn August 28, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I don't always go to conventions.
But when I do, I keep a fanny pack full of roofies with me. Stay interesting, my friends.

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 2:33 pm

"I keep a fanny pack full of roofies with me"

Ironically, the fanny pack makes the roofies necessary.

bobbert August 28, 2012 at 1:53 pm

This is Florida, right? Where they shut down the only TB hospital just in time for the nascent pandemic?

"T.B. Announced" is past tense — they have bad news for the delegates.

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 2:32 pm

"Charm, penis, roofies."

Giggity.

eggsacklywright August 28, 2012 at 11:31 am

Babs the Impaler.

BarackMyWorld August 28, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Or maybe Vlad the Impala.

Jus_Wonderin August 28, 2012 at 11:35 am

All that, and a bag of chips?

Mumbletypeg August 28, 2012 at 11:35 am
SorosBot August 28, 2012 at 11:35 am

Seamus the Irish setter, saying that he really didn't mind being tortured on top of that car by Mittens too much.

Blueb4sinrise August 28, 2012 at 11:37 am

Arlen Specter?

AncienReggie August 28, 2012 at 11:39 am

Harsh, dude. Harsh.

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 11:42 am

Bill Ayres

chicken_thief August 28, 2012 at 11:42 am

(M)Ann Coulter, sayin' how she was jes jokin' about the whole "if Christie the whale doesn't run the party will nominate Romney and Romney will lose" thingy?

littlebigdaddy August 28, 2012 at 11:42 am

The corpse of Ayn Rand? Leni Reifenstahl? So many possibilities!

north_of_moscow August 28, 2012 at 11:43 am

Larry the Cable Guy, Joe the Plumber and Bobby Jindal doing a Three Stooges impersonation, but with topical humor!

Arborista August 28, 2012 at 11:43 am

Either a baker of baked goods or a bunch of Burmese Pythons that escaped from the Everglades.

littlebigdaddy August 28, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I would pay good money to see the latter, with or without Samuel L. Jackson.

Antispandex August 28, 2012 at 11:43 am

It's W. You know it is. SOMEONE has to validate the whole, "Barry is blaming everything on someone else, and taking credit for stuff he didn't even do!", narrative they are foisting off on middle America. G.W. can get up there and say something like, "Who do you folks think really got Bin Laden, me or some Kenyan muslim?", and the crowd will go wild!

Terry August 28, 2012 at 11:43 am

Ron Paul. Ron Paul announces that he now fully supports the GOP platform with no reservations. If you look closely, you can see Reince Priebus' hand going straight up Paul's arse.

belmontreport August 28, 2012 at 11:56 am

They could just re-use the Tupac hologram, and say that if Obama is re-elected he's going to bring back all of the dead rappers to "pal around with".

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Having Ron Paul and Paul Ryan in the same building would be too confusing for "people" at that level of "intelligence".

MissTaken August 28, 2012 at 11:44 am

Hologram Ronnie-Baby Reagan saying "I favor the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and it must be enforced at gunpoint if necessary" and then getting booed by the entire delegation.

Jus_Wonderin August 28, 2012 at 11:45 am

I am not going to watch this crap. And my TV was stolen. And I don't want to put my foot through the new one I bought to replace it. So, there's that.

Tundra Grifter August 28, 2012 at 1:12 pm

JW:

Be very careful! It's common for sneak thieves to take tv's, etc., and just throw them away. Then come back for the brand new one they figure you just bought.

Steverino247 August 28, 2012 at 11:45 am

James Bond and QE II drop in by parachute?

MissTaken August 28, 2012 at 11:58 am

I'm so much of a finance nerd that I thought QEII was the second round of quantitative easing the Fed did to stimulate the economy. I need to get out more.

Steverino247 August 28, 2012 at 12:18 pm

I was expecting somebody to think I was referring to the Royal Mail Steamer of the same name.

SorosBot! Get over there and see to MissTaken's need to get out more.

MOG2410 August 28, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Yikes, it's budget time in my world and I thought the same thing.

sullivanst August 28, 2012 at 12:23 pm

How tired did everyone else around here get of the bobbleheads on TV talking as if the actual Queen was actually dangling from a parachute all through the games?

WhatTheHeck August 28, 2012 at 11:46 am

What? We finally get to see Mormon Jeebus!

kittensdontlie August 28, 2012 at 11:46 am

That Nigerian princess, who has been waiting patiently for you to send her money so you can become RICH!!! The Twist: She is also the President's Real Mother!!! And that makes Him, a foreigner and not a very good son!

weejee August 28, 2012 at 11:46 am
LibrarianX August 28, 2012 at 11:46 am

Jeff Gannon

Arborista August 28, 2012 at 11:47 am

But doesn't the Great Pumpkin = John Boehner?

IonaTrailer August 28, 2012 at 11:48 am

Ann Coulter will pop out of a giant cake?

Jus_Wonderin August 28, 2012 at 11:49 am

Reminds me of that clever game, Whack a Troll.

trondant August 28, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Reminds me of Alien.

Jus_Wonderin August 28, 2012 at 3:32 pm

“Get away from her, Bitch!!”

zumpie August 28, 2012 at 11:48 am

Hmmmm, so many choices:

1) Limbaugh to scream his impotent white rage to the faithful?

2) Cindy Crawford to represent evil Hollyweird and so they can yet again yap about how much hotter Puggie chicks are?

3)Todd Akin and Tom Smith so they can just go ahead and double down on the lady-hate?

4) Paul Ryan's pretend hausfrau/beard—preferably sporting something "Real Merikun" from Kohl's that her aide snatched from the clearance rack that afternoon?

4a) Bonus points: Mrs. Ryan and (a barely able to contain her disgust) Marie Ann-Romnette have a cooking expo on stage where they further pretend to be "just like us"!!!

5) Peggy Noonan to pass out drunk and revel in her pointless irrelevance?

6) Rich Lowry to remind us that Mittens "won every race he was ever in, except for the two he didn't" and (of course) leave off that he's only been in 3 races.

7) Any of the excellent choices noted above….

MOG2410 August 28, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Kohl's libel!!!!!!!!!!!

thefrontpage August 28, 2012 at 11:49 am

For everyone at the Horrorshow in Tampa this week, be sure to check out the strip club Camelot Palace this week, as it's featuring nude chocolate syrup wrestling matches between Victoria Jackson and Janine Turner on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights. The cover is only $10, and you get one free autograph from Jackson and Turner each. For another $10, you get a special lap dance by either Jackson or Turner, and for an extra $20, you get a lap dance by Jackson and Turner. So, for $30, you get the chocolate syrup wrestling match, two autographs, and a double lap dance by Victoria Jackson and Janine Turner. That should rile 'em up in Tampa this week!!

zippy_w_pinhead August 28, 2012 at 12:00 pm

for $100 Chris Christie will swoop in and gobble them both up where they stand, belching his rage at the audience

IonaTrailer August 28, 2012 at 11:50 am

The entire cast of Honey Boo-Boo?

MOG2410 August 28, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Perfect!!!

Kid_Charlemagne August 28, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Weren't they at the last GOP Convention?? No wait, that was the Palins.

TootsStansbury August 28, 2012 at 11:50 am

I really dislike these assholes.

thefrontpage August 28, 2012 at 11:50 am

Also, according to informed Republican sources in Tampa, the "mystery speaker" Thursday night will be a special nude appearance by Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin, and they will take turns reading, while completely naked, selected passages from "Emmanuelle," "Lady Chatterley's Lover," "The Story of O," "Fear of Flying" and "The Feminine Mystique." This is scheduled to occur directly after Rumley's speech.

PubOption August 28, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Not 'Fifty Shades of Grey', or is that banned because of the British spelling?

Jus_Wonderin August 28, 2012 at 11:50 am

OT, sorta. Did anyone notice there are 4 girls and 3 guys in that photo? Which girl gets stiffed?

elviouslyqueer August 28, 2012 at 11:57 am

Judging by the three guys' general fabulousness, I believe the answer would be…

None of them, Katie.

MissTaken August 28, 2012 at 12:01 pm

The girl with the pink ponytail. All the others are matched up: a blah with a blah, a skier with a skier, and a formal dress girl with a dude in a tux. The casual hottie with the tank top and shorts and fun little hairdo goes to the park with her picnic basket and finds her Mr Right without the help of a stupid board game.

Jus_Wonderin August 28, 2012 at 12:07 pm

I thought this was interesting, I didn't know how the game worked.

Mystery Date can be played with 2, 3, or 4 players. The object of the game is to be ready for a date by acquiring three matching color-coded cards to assemble an outfit. The outfit must then match the outfit of the date at the "mystery door". The date is revealed by spinning the door handle and opening the plastic door on the game board. The five possible dates are:

*the formal dance date
*the bowling date
*the beach date
*the skiing date
*the dud

The date to be avoided is the poorly dressed "dud". He is wearing slovenly attire. His hair is tousled and his face sports a beard shadow. There was also a figure made out to represent a construction worker for another "undesirable" partner, as per prevailing values of the time.

In the 1970s game, a picnic date replaced the bowling date.

If the player's outfit does not match the date behind the door, the door is closed and play continues.

Chet Kincaid_ August 28, 2012 at 1:45 pm

How demeaning it was to encourage little girls to "play into" subservient and dependent gender roles! We are much more enlightened now, with mobile games like "Diner Dash" that encourage little girls to run around like crazy serving sammiches.

Jus_Wonderin August 28, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I found this ironic. From what I can see “…his hair is tousled and his face sports a beard shadow…” is sort of THE look now.

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 2:41 pm

"He is wearing slovenly attire. His hair is tousled and his face sports a beard shadow."

He has hipster/nerd glases, lots of poorly executed tattoos, and a pierced bellybutton, and smells like patchouli and ass…
Oh, wait; that's the speshul Portland version of the game.

Chichikovovich August 28, 2012 at 11:51 am

Pat Buchanan, baby. The "Culture War" speech wasn't a mistake – it was just given 20 years too soon!

JustPixelz August 28, 2012 at 11:52 am

Gotta be Jesus. Of course, he'll take one look at their platform and damn them. And when Jesus damns you, you stay damned.

RadioBowels August 28, 2012 at 11:53 am

Rebecca Schoenkopf?

MacRaith August 28, 2012 at 11:53 am

Come on, Editrix, don't be coy. We know the truth. You managed to sneak yourself onto the program, didn't you?

zippy_w_pinhead August 28, 2012 at 11:54 am

They're going to fly the moldering corpse of Ronald Reagan over the heads of the audience. As it reaches the apex of the arena it will burst into a thousand points of light, trickling down upon the attendees, forming a Star Wars shield protecting them the ravages of reality while anointing them with the holy ashes of his bleached white bones…

JustPixelz August 28, 2012 at 11:55 am

Probably Osama bin Laden. They'll bring him in to prove Barry didn't kill him. I'll bet they give him a ten minute standing ovation.

IonaTrailer August 28, 2012 at 11:55 am

Beverly LaHaye (Concerned Women for America) will speechify about hatin' the gayz, lovin' Jeebus, abstinence edumacation, and legitimate rape as family values.

TootsStansbury August 28, 2012 at 11:56 am

The brothers Koch.

Rotundo_ August 28, 2012 at 5:32 pm

They are the sponsors, so why not?

HobbesEvilTwin August 28, 2012 at 11:56 am

Ronald Reagan hologram or GTFO!

JCE1985 August 28, 2012 at 11:57 am

The reanimated corpse of an 18th century slave trader and auctioneer!

PrimlyStable August 28, 2012 at 11:59 am

Ken Layne, obviously.

arduinohacker August 28, 2012 at 11:59 am

I find those dates (the fems) real easy to m****te to.

MissTaken August 28, 2012 at 12:07 pm

meditate?

GinnehRED57 August 28, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Close. Breitbart's got some hella good hiphop moves he learned from Tupac.

Schmegeg August 28, 2012 at 12:01 pm

OBL. He's not dead.

zippy_w_pinhead August 28, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Trump will ride Rafalca across the stage, waving Obummer's REAL birth certificate while Joe Arpaio stands in the wings firing his six guns like Yosemite Sam on bath salts…

sullivanst August 28, 2012 at 12:28 pm

This sounds like a perfect idea.

And no, I don't say that because Rafalca would rear at the gunshots, tossing Trump onto his empty skull which would then shatter like Humpty Dumpty, before charging and trampling Arpaio.

OR DO I?

mrpuma2u August 28, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Darth Vader will show up, force choke Mittens to death and make Paul Ryan an admiral.

zumpie August 28, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Whilst Palpatine chuckles malevolently…

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Darth Vader is kidding himself if he thinks he's a match for Ryan.

eggsacklywright August 28, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Ann Elk?

Sharkey August 28, 2012 at 12:04 pm

The Joker. That would be cool.

Tundra Grifter August 28, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Too soon, Dude.

Kid_Charlemagne August 28, 2012 at 2:07 pm

They are letting Laura Bush speak again?

Monsieur_Grumpe August 28, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Common Sense?
Nah.

Dumbedup August 28, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Nancy Reagan still alive? I think her, alive or dead

Living in Joy August 28, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I'm thinking Sarah Palin. She went a little too easy into this good night. Not much protesting. Laying a little too low. Think how this would energize the base because this woman can make a speech, even if 95% of it doesn't make sense, and the old geezers (and not so old, looking at you Rich Lowry) would definitely get a hard on over it.

mavenmaven August 28, 2012 at 12:20 pm

1. William Ayers! He will admit to writing Obama's books for him! The republicans still want to vet Obama.
2. Lyndie England will do a striptease and S&M exhibition for them.
3. They will get Monica Lewinsky to vet Clinton, because if you are going to be out of synch with the times, go all out!

fartknocker August 28, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Will the Wonkette live blog this bitchin event?

Self-Uploader August 28, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Colin Powell. They've kidnapped his family, held him captive and tortured him. He finally turned (back) and agreed to be the new black face of the party.

littlebigdaddy August 28, 2012 at 12:24 pm

a cracken?

Nostrildamus August 28, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Classic Mystery Date? I don't think so. The game I saw commercials for in the 60's never had any brownz.

Chet Kincaid_ August 28, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Purist!

grandinquisitor August 28, 2012 at 12:32 pm

A small, fluffy kitten that RMoney will stop on to demonstrate to the poors what happens when they defy their overlords. Occupy that, you uppity unemployed types.

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 2:44 pm

For an encore, Rapey Eyes Ryan will stomp an actual poor person.

grandinquisitor August 28, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Just like Jesus would!

ahnc August 28, 2012 at 12:34 pm

George W. Bush escorted by Saddam's gun.

UnholyMoses August 28, 2012 at 12:35 pm

All of 'em, Katie … ?

MinAgain August 28, 2012 at 12:38 pm

If it was George Romney's ghost, instead of Breitbart, I'd actually tune in to hear him read his party the Riot Act and then curse them all with boils or baldness or whatever ghosts curse people with these days.

NotLloyd August 28, 2012 at 12:38 pm

The surprise nomination of hologram Mitt Romney? Y'know just to make him creepier.

tihond August 28, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Red Klotz will give a stirring pep talk.

DahBoner August 28, 2012 at 12:48 pm

BUT WHAT DRESS WILL ANN WEAR???

BlueStateLibel August 28, 2012 at 12:52 pm

A nattily dressed gentleman who promises to throw the election for Rmoney in exchange for their souls; they quickly accept.

BarackMyWorld August 28, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Zombie Barry Goldwater.

zumpie August 28, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Yet another totally irrelevant former someone (read Sununu or George Pataki) to insist that once everyone realizes what an awesome husband/father Mittens is, EVERYBODY will vote for him??

Troglodeity August 28, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Oh! Oh! I know! Todd Akin and Tom Smith in a heartwarming duet of "Love Me Tender"!

barto August 28, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Paul Ryan announces his running mate!

Tundra Grifter August 28, 2012 at 1:17 pm

$10,000 says its George Bush (43). There will be a video introduction by his Father (41).

Chet Kincaid_ August 28, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Since this is RapeCon 2012, I'll say Ben Roethlisberger.

Kid_Charlemagne August 28, 2012 at 2:08 pm

He never leaves the hospitality suite.

Caelan Aegana August 28, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I am glad I will be at a video game convention so that I can ignore this shit. You know, legitimately.

rickmaci August 28, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Hologram Reagan. But that crowd will turn on him when he announces it's OK to raise taxes.

Kid_Charlemagne August 28, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Generalissimo Francisco Franco!

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 2:12 pm

I would like this game a lot better if they didn't keep insisting that Paul Ryan is The Dreamboat.

kiska30 August 28, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Obviously it's Chuck Norris.

BZ1 August 28, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Darth Cheney makes his appearance, watch your throats …

rickmaci August 28, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I think I have a lead preview on the speech for that time slot.

Eve8Apples August 28, 2012 at 3:25 pm

The heartless fuckers are gonna tie poor little Seamus to the top of a car and drive him around the arena.

AtwatersGhost August 28, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Suicide Bomber…ohhh wet dream.

LibrarianX August 28, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Mummy Ayn Rand renounces her atheist views. Crowd goes WILD. Paul Ryan wets pants….

blatherous August 28, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Parasailing.

No, wait.

Sarah Palin.

tallmutha August 28, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Given the "We Built This" theme, I think I have it:

Jefferson Starship, to sing their biggest hit!

cybermoe August 28, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Raygun.

horsedreamer_1 August 28, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Dick Cheney or Artur "RuPaul undragged" Davis.

ttommyunger August 28, 2012 at 11:02 pm

I'm thinking Ann Coulter will fuck Pat Buchanan up the arse but will refuse the obligatory reach-around. David Duke will make a surprise appearance along with Mike Huckabee, Ted Nugent and the ghost of Charlton Heston and they will sing the first three verses of "Amazing Grace, Sit on My Face".

PinkoPopulist August 29, 2012 at 2:45 pm

When I read this headline I was really sincerely hoping that Wonkette sent an undercover operative into the world of gay no strings attached dating in Tampa, attempting to trap unsuspecting Conservatives in Rent Boy scandals. Boy was I disappointed.

We ALL KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BE DONALD TRUMP! YOU'RE FIRED! Derp de derp birth certificate KeNyA sociAlIST NOBAMA!!!

IceCreamEmpress August 28, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Ha ha ha Bitcoin I am loving the whole saga of that right now, how the biggest "banker" defaulted with everyone's RonPaulFunBux (TM some brilliant cynic on SomethingAwful) and half of the Bitcoiners are all "No, no, he's going to pay us back! He's just mysteriously ten days late for a Very Good Reason!"

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