it's the great pumpkin charlie brown

Let’s Play ‘Mystery Date’ With The Republicans!

It's the plumber, I've come to fix the sink

Political Wire asks, we answer!

Republican convention planners appear to have a surprise planned for those tuning in Thursday night, the Wall Street Journal reports.

“Buried deep in the convention schedule released Monday is a vague reference to a mystery speaker scheduled for the event’s final evening. ‘To Be Announced’ has a prime speaking slot late in the Thursday program.”

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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    1. HamsterSandwich

      I'm guessing someone who also belongs to the "Lemon Party". (Don't go there)

      / / / / Googles "Lemon Party". Head explodes!

        1. tessiee

          Takes me back to the days of going Down the Shore with a bottle of baby oil — you know, so we'd burn faster.

          1. CindynEncinitas

            Baby oil with iodine in it to stain our skin if it didn't burn fast enough. And tequila sunrises! Woo hoo!

    1. Tundra Grifter

      The Blah dude behind the door is also dressed for the beach. Coincidence? I think not…

      1. PrimlyStable

        Bearded gent from the Middle East, wearing robes and constantly going on about how he can talk to God? He'd never make it onto the plane to Florida, never mind as far as the convention.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      It'd have to be Buddy Jesus, channeling his inner frat guy:

      "Yo, Blessed are the job creators, for they have all the bucks!"

      "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers – was prolly a big waste of time, dude.'

      (Holds up his quart bottle of PBR) "Hold on a sec, I'm gonna see if I can turn this shit into a magnum of Cristal."

      "Do unto others … and run like hell.

      Standing ovation from that crowd.

  1. Barbara_

    My guess is that Lou Sarah shows up wearing a sweater and a bathing suit, shoots death rays from her new glasses and burns everyone up like ants under a magnifying glass. Then Levi is brought in and is forced to marry Bristol and everyone goes to Waffle House for the reception.

    Either that, or they let Donald Trump speak. Both scenarios are equally devastating.

    1. SorosBot

      Donald Trump has been talking about some "big surprise" he has coming at the RNC, which some bloggers have figured is likely a video where he "fires" an Obama impersonator; so that probably really is it. Lame.

      1. Incitefully_Joe

        Weren't we the first people to speculate that's what it was? I mean, it was kinda the obvious thing, and he was recently seen with an Obama impersonater, so that is pretty much definitely what it was going to be, but I could swear that that was a WONKETE EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT WONKET speculation.

      2. UnholyMoses

        "Donald Trump has been talking about some "big surprise" he has coming at the RNC … "

        His hair stands up and runs away? He admits that multiple bankruptcies =/= financial genius? He helps Rosie O'Donnell have a gay abortion?


        1. NellCote71

          I would bet you too, but all my money is offshore, at least I blindly trust that it is. You will just have to take my word for it. You people have seen all you are going to see of my panties, er, finances.

    1. zumpie

      Well, if you get preggers from it, it will be YOUR fault! Cause you know, legitamate rape, shut it down….etc

    2. Antispandex

      Yes, I was thinking that the whole "Mystery Speaker" thing had a little too much of a creepy, touchy, too long of a huggy uncle, sort of vibe. Well, yeah, like the G.O.P. and their rapist and incest baby obsession, sure… so Mystery Date Rape fits well. Good Call!

    1. Generation[redacted]

      So forget all that you see
      It's not reality, it's just a fantasy

      sounds like willard's campaign platform, alright.

  2. KathrynSane

    In an attempt to showcase their party's diversity, the GOP will bring in a poor black Jewish disabled lesbian to speak briefly about how millionaires getting tax breaks will help her feed her children.

        1. tessiee

          his new job is not dissimilar to the entire rest of his career, but less divisive and hateful.

  3. hagajim

    I think they're going to hold a "legitimate" rape on stage to prove that girl parts can fight the legitimate sperm.

  4. Goonemeritus

    I think a group lead period of introspection on when the Republican Party jumped the shark followed by a 45 minute crying jag.

    1. tessiee

      Not only do Rs not know what that means, I'd be amazed if they could even spell it.

  5. Nibbler of Niblonia

    Donald Trump is gonna "yer-fired" an Obama impersonator.

    Maddow called this last Friday, and Rhodes Scholar Lesbians in jeans and sport coat are never wrong about this kind of thing.

          1. IceCreamEmpress

            Ha ha ha Bitcoin I am loving the whole saga of that right now, how the biggest "banker" defaulted with everyone's RonPaulFunBux (TM some brilliant cynic on SomethingAwful) and half of the Bitcoiners are all "No, no, he's going to pay us back! He's just mysteriously ten days late for a Very Good Reason!"

  6. punkneverdies

    They will roll Rush Limbaugh out on a gigantic dolly and he will awe the attendees with his flatulence for 2 hours.

    1. tessiee

      In an undisclosed location, out of the reach of extradition, finishing his life's work of drinking himself to death.

    2. CthuNHu

      He was invited to attend, but unfortunately had a scheduling conflict.

      Where "had a scheduling conflict" means "was bound, gagged, and shackled to the living rock 1500 feet down an abandoned copper mine in Idaho until the election's over."

  7. noodlesalad

    The real Mitt Romney, who's been locked in a tower and replaced by a reasonably humanish android for the past thirty years? The flesh and blood Romney will of course endorse the android before being sent back to the dungeon.

  8. elviouslyqueer

    My bet's on Rick Santorum, who will do a lovely (and feathery!) homage to Josephine Baker before being required by Reince Priebus to immolate himself in front of a life-size effigy of Paul Ryan.

    Oh, and in slightly related convention nooz: Is our wingnuts learning?

    1. MOG2410

      Love it. In a related item, local DE politico, Cher Valenzuela had a huge shoutout in the Sunday paper, talking about how she's bootstrapped herself up from nothing – using family and government loans. But she built that business herself, you betcha!

    2. tessiee

      Rick Santorum, who will do a lovely (and feathery!) homage to Josephine Baker"

      I hope the cheetah bites his nuts off.

    1. Arborista

      Add in Hologram George Washington & Hologram James Madison (star player for the Federalist Society) & I think I can believe this one.

      1. Gleem McShineys

        Hologram Dolly Madison, maker of snack cakes we like, would probably woo the hovverround crowd better.

  9. CapnFatback

    Actually, it's a misprint. It should read "T. B. Announced," the devil-may-care international playboy with a taste for fine foods, luxurious locales, and exotic women. He plays hard and he works sparingly. Oh, he'll rape your daughter . . . with his charm.

    And his penis. His charm and his penis. And his pharmaceutical cabinet of roofies.

    Charm, penis, roofies.

    1. MoeDeLawn

      I don't always go to conventions.
      But when I do, I keep a fanny pack full of roofies with me. Stay interesting, my friends.

      1. tessiee

        "I keep a fanny pack full of roofies with me"

        Ironically, the fanny pack makes the roofies necessary.

    2. bobbert

      This is Florida, right? Where they shut down the only TB hospital just in time for the nascent pandemic?

      "T.B. Announced" is past tense — they have bad news for the delegates.

  10. SorosBot

    Seamus the Irish setter, saying that he really didn't mind being tortured on top of that car by Mittens too much.

  11. chicken_thief

    (M)Ann Coulter, sayin' how she was jes jokin' about the whole "if Christie the whale doesn't run the party will nominate Romney and Romney will lose" thingy?

  12. north_of_moscow

    Larry the Cable Guy, Joe the Plumber and Bobby Jindal doing a Three Stooges impersonation, but with topical humor!

  13. Antispandex

    It's W. You know it is. SOMEONE has to validate the whole, "Barry is blaming everything on someone else, and taking credit for stuff he didn't even do!", narrative they are foisting off on middle America. G.W. can get up there and say something like, "Who do you folks think really got Bin Laden, me or some Kenyan muslim?", and the crowd will go wild!

  14. Terry

    Ron Paul. Ron Paul announces that he now fully supports the GOP platform with no reservations. If you look closely, you can see Reince Priebus' hand going straight up Paul's arse.

    1. belmontreport

      They could just re-use the Tupac hologram, and say that if Obama is re-elected he's going to bring back all of the dead rappers to "pal around with".

    2. tessiee

      Having Ron Paul and Paul Ryan in the same building would be too confusing for "people" at that level of "intelligence".

  15. MissTaken

    Hologram Ronnie-Baby Reagan saying "I favor the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and it must be enforced at gunpoint if necessary" and then getting booed by the entire delegation.

  16. Jus_Wonderin

    I am not going to watch this crap. And my TV was stolen. And I don't want to put my foot through the new one I bought to replace it. So, there's that.

    1. Tundra Grifter


      Be very careful! It's common for sneak thieves to take tv's, etc., and just throw them away. Then come back for the brand new one they figure you just bought.

    1. MissTaken

      I'm so much of a finance nerd that I thought QEII was the second round of quantitative easing the Fed did to stimulate the economy. I need to get out more.

      1. Steverino247

        I was expecting somebody to think I was referring to the Royal Mail Steamer of the same name.

        SorosBot! Get over there and see to MissTaken's need to get out more.

    2. sullivanst

      How tired did everyone else around here get of the bobbleheads on TV talking as if the actual Queen was actually dangling from a parachute all through the games?

  17. kittensdontlie

    That Nigerian princess, who has been waiting patiently for you to send her money so you can become RICH!!! The Twist: She is also the President's Real Mother!!! And that makes Him, a foreigner and not a very good son!

  18. zumpie

    Hmmmm, so many choices:

    1) Limbaugh to scream his impotent white rage to the faithful?

    2) Cindy Crawford to represent evil Hollyweird and so they can yet again yap about how much hotter Puggie chicks are?

    3)Todd Akin and Tom Smith so they can just go ahead and double down on the lady-hate?

    4) Paul Ryan's pretend hausfrau/beard—preferably sporting something "Real Merikun" from Kohl's that her aide snatched from the clearance rack that afternoon?

    4a) Bonus points: Mrs. Ryan and (a barely able to contain her disgust) Marie Ann-Romnette have a cooking expo on stage where they further pretend to be "just like us"!!!

    5) Peggy Noonan to pass out drunk and revel in her pointless irrelevance?

    6) Rich Lowry to remind us that Mittens "won every race he was ever in, except for the two he didn't" and (of course) leave off that he's only been in 3 races.

    7) Any of the excellent choices noted above….

  19. thefrontpage

    For everyone at the Horrorshow in Tampa this week, be sure to check out the strip club Camelot Palace this week, as it's featuring nude chocolate syrup wrestling matches between Victoria Jackson and Janine Turner on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights. The cover is only $10, and you get one free autograph from Jackson and Turner each. For another $10, you get a special lap dance by either Jackson or Turner, and for an extra $20, you get a lap dance by Jackson and Turner. So, for $30, you get the chocolate syrup wrestling match, two autographs, and a double lap dance by Victoria Jackson and Janine Turner. That should rile 'em up in Tampa this week!!

    1. zippy_w_pinhead

      for $100 Chris Christie will swoop in and gobble them both up where they stand, belching his rage at the audience

  20. thefrontpage

    Also, according to informed Republican sources in Tampa, the "mystery speaker" Thursday night will be a special nude appearance by Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin, and they will take turns reading, while completely naked, selected passages from "Emmanuelle," "Lady Chatterley's Lover," "The Story of O," "Fear of Flying" and "The Feminine Mystique." This is scheduled to occur directly after Rumley's speech.

  21. Jus_Wonderin

    OT, sorta. Did anyone notice there are 4 girls and 3 guys in that photo? Which girl gets stiffed?

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Judging by the three guys' general fabulousness, I believe the answer would be…

      None of them, Katie.

    2. MissTaken

      The girl with the pink ponytail. All the others are matched up: a blah with a blah, a skier with a skier, and a formal dress girl with a dude in a tux. The casual hottie with the tank top and shorts and fun little hairdo goes to the park with her picnic basket and finds her Mr Right without the help of a stupid board game.

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        I thought this was interesting, I didn't know how the game worked.

        Mystery Date can be played with 2, 3, or 4 players. The object of the game is to be ready for a date by acquiring three matching color-coded cards to assemble an outfit. The outfit must then match the outfit of the date at the "mystery door". The date is revealed by spinning the door handle and opening the plastic door on the game board. The five possible dates are:

        *the formal dance date
        *the bowling date
        *the beach date
        *the skiing date
        *the dud

        The date to be avoided is the poorly dressed "dud". He is wearing slovenly attire. His hair is tousled and his face sports a beard shadow. There was also a figure made out to represent a construction worker for another "undesirable" partner, as per prevailing values of the time.

        In the 1970s game, a picnic date replaced the bowling date.

        If the player's outfit does not match the date behind the door, the door is closed and play continues.

        1. Chet Kincaid_

          How demeaning it was to encourage little girls to "play into" subservient and dependent gender roles! We are much more enlightened now, with mobile games like "Diner Dash" that encourage little girls to run around like crazy serving sammiches.

          1. Jus_Wonderin

            I found this ironic. From what I can see “…his hair is tousled and his face sports a beard shadow…” is sort of THE look now.

        2. tessiee

          "He is wearing slovenly attire. His hair is tousled and his face sports a beard shadow."

          He has hipster/nerd glases, lots of poorly executed tattoos, and a pierced bellybutton, and smells like patchouli and ass…
          Oh, wait; that's the speshul Portland version of the game.

  22. Chichikovovich

    Pat Buchanan, baby. The "Culture War" speech wasn't a mistake – it was just given 20 years too soon!

  23. JustPixelz

    Gotta be Jesus. Of course, he'll take one look at their platform and damn them. And when Jesus damns you, you stay damned.

  24. MacRaith

    Come on, Editrix, don't be coy. We know the truth. You managed to sneak yourself onto the program, didn't you?

  25. zippy_w_pinhead

    They're going to fly the moldering corpse of Ronald Reagan over the heads of the audience. As it reaches the apex of the arena it will burst into a thousand points of light, trickling down upon the attendees, forming a Star Wars shield protecting them the ravages of reality while anointing them with the holy ashes of his bleached white bones…

  26. JustPixelz

    Probably Osama bin Laden. They'll bring him in to prove Barry didn't kill him. I'll bet they give him a ten minute standing ovation.

  27. IonaTrailer

    Beverly LaHaye (Concerned Women for America) will speechify about hatin' the gayz, lovin' Jeebus, abstinence edumacation, and legitimate rape as family values.

  28. zippy_w_pinhead

    Trump will ride Rafalca across the stage, waving Obummer's REAL birth certificate while Joe Arpaio stands in the wings firing his six guns like Yosemite Sam on bath salts…

    1. sullivanst

      This sounds like a perfect idea.

      And no, I don't say that because Rafalca would rear at the gunshots, tossing Trump onto his empty skull which would then shatter like Humpty Dumpty, before charging and trampling Arpaio.

      OR DO I?

  29. Living in Joy

    I'm thinking Sarah Palin. She went a little too easy into this good night. Not much protesting. Laying a little too low. Think how this would energize the base because this woman can make a speech, even if 95% of it doesn't make sense, and the old geezers (and not so old, looking at you Rich Lowry) would definitely get a hard on over it.

  30. mavenmaven

    1. William Ayers! He will admit to writing Obama's books for him! The republicans still want to vet Obama.
    2. Lyndie England will do a striptease and S&M exhibition for them.
    3. They will get Monica Lewinsky to vet Clinton, because if you are going to be out of synch with the times, go all out!

  31. Nostrildamus

    Classic Mystery Date? I don't think so. The game I saw commercials for in the 60's never had any brownz.

  32. MinAgain

    If it was George Romney's ghost, instead of Breitbart, I'd actually tune in to hear him read his party the Riot Act and then curse them all with boils or baldness or whatever ghosts curse people with these days.

  33. BlueStateLibel

    A nattily dressed gentleman who promises to throw the election for Rmoney in exchange for their souls; they quickly accept.

  34. zumpie

    Yet another totally irrelevant former someone (read Sununu or George Pataki) to insist that once everyone realizes what an awesome husband/father Mittens is, EVERYBODY will vote for him??

  35. Tundra Grifter

    $10,000 says its George Bush (43). There will be a video introduction by his Father (41).

  36. Caelan Aegana

    I am glad I will be at a video game convention so that I can ignore this shit. You know, legitimately.

  37. tessiee

    I would like this game a lot better if they didn't keep insisting that Paul Ryan is The Dreamboat.

  38. Eve8Apples

    The heartless fuckers are gonna tie poor little Seamus to the top of a car and drive him around the arena.

  39. tallmutha

    Given the "We Built This" theme, I think I have it:

    Jefferson Starship, to sing their biggest hit!

  40. ttommyunger

    I'm thinking Ann Coulter will fuck Pat Buchanan up the arse but will refuse the obligatory reach-around. David Duke will make a surprise appearance along with Mike Huckabee, Ted Nugent and the ghost of Charlton Heston and they will sing the first three verses of "Amazing Grace, Sit on My Face".

  41. PinkoPopulist

    When I read this headline I was really sincerely hoping that Wonkette sent an undercover operative into the world of gay no strings attached dating in Tampa, attempting to trap unsuspecting Conservatives in Rent Boy scandals. Boy was I disappointed.

    We ALL KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BE DONALD TRUMP! YOU'RE FIRED! Derp de derp birth certificate KeNyA sociAlIST NOBAMA!!!

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