It's the plumber, I've come to fix the sink

Political Wire asks, we answer!

Republican convention planners appear to have a surprise planned for those tuning in Thursday night, the Wall Street Journal reports.

“Buried deep in the convention schedule released Monday is a vague reference to a mystery speaker scheduled for the event’s final evening. ‘To Be Announced’ has a prime speaking slot late in the Thursday program.”

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  • ChernobylSoup

    Hologram Hitler?

    • Say, you know who else was a hologram?

      • BornInATrailer

        Jem's band?

      • noodlesalad

        Emperor Palpatine?

      • Estproph

        Arnold Rimmer?

        • punkneverdies


      • Rimmer

      • SorosBot

        Voyager's Doctor?

      • SorosBot


      • RadioBowels

        Nat King Cole?

      • Generation[redacted]

        Evil Abraham Lincoln?

      • MissTaken

        Jambi the Genie on Pee Wee's Playhouse?

      • UnholyMoses

        Princess Leia?

      • tessiee

        Milli Vanilli?

        Not only weren't they really singing, they weren't even there.

    • Crank_Tango

      Shit will get really weird when he says "yo what up Coachelllllaaaaa!"

    • HamsterSandwich

      I'm guessing someone who also belongs to the "Lemon Party". (Don't go there)

      / / / / Googles "Lemon Party". Head explodes!

    • Calapine

      Nonsense, Hitler is way too RINO.

  • That lady up there in the pink bikini?

    • SorosBot

      Her skin is way too dark.

      • chicken_thief

        And her dick isn't big enough, but she could bring us sammiches.

        • PrimlyStable

          Haven't you seen The Crying Game?

          • chicken_thief

            Isn't it a bit premature for Boehner to do a bio? But, uh, no…. I haven't it.

      • MOG2410

        A 60's tan, before there was skin cancer. Bain De Soleil for the San Tropez tan!!!

        • tessiee

          Takes me back to the days of going Down the Shore with a bottle of baby oil — you know, so we'd burn faster.

          • MOG2410

            Good times, and then some rum and coke and necking under the boardwalk.

          • CindynEncinitas

            Baby oil with iodine in it to stain our skin if it didn't burn fast enough. And tequila sunrises! Woo hoo!

    • Tundra Grifter

      The Blah dude behind the door is also dressed for the beach. Coincidence? I think not…

      • GregComlish

        Eascey Mon. Tey bot' fro Jamaica mon.

        • Tundra Grifter


  • Late on Thursday?

    Won't most of the base be asleep by then? I know I will. Or I'll be tuned into TNA Wrest–


    • garryboldwater

      Hulk Hogan is still alive? WTF….

  • mercianomad

    Janine Turner

    • viennawoods13

      Nope, she's on tonight.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        So? Northern Exposure spent years in re-runs. She's used to it.

  • OkieDokieDog

    You guys! It's gotta be JEEBUS!

    • Estproph

      He'd get tossed out so fast it would be amazing

      • But that's ok by him. He's the one famous for saying he'd never fit in with any club that'd have him as a member, right?

        • Arborista

          Jeebus is America's most famous Marxist!

      • PrimlyStable

        Bearded gent from the Middle East, wearing robes and constantly going on about how he can talk to God? He'd never make it onto the plane to Florida, never mind as far as the convention.

    • nounverb911

      Will He be riding a dinosaur?

    • Kakkeltje
    • Lascauxcaveman

      It'd have to be Buddy Jesus, channeling his inner frat guy:

      "Yo, Blessed are the job creators, for they have all the bucks!"

      "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers – was prolly a big waste of time, dude.'

      (Holds up his quart bottle of PBR) "Hold on a sec, I'm gonna see if I can turn this shit into a magnum of Cristal."

      "Do unto others … and run like hell.

      Standing ovation from that crowd.

  • Barbara_

    My guess is that Lou Sarah shows up wearing a sweater and a bathing suit, shoots death rays from her new glasses and burns everyone up like ants under a magnifying glass. Then Levi is brought in and is forced to marry Bristol and everyone goes to Waffle House for the reception.

    Either that, or they let Donald Trump speak. Both scenarios are equally devastating.

    • SorosBot

      Donald Trump has been talking about some "big surprise" he has coming at the RNC, which some bloggers have figured is likely a video where he "fires" an Obama impersonator; so that probably really is it. Lame.

      • Weren't we the first people to speculate that's what it was? I mean, it was kinda the obvious thing, and he was recently seen with an Obama impersonater, so that is pretty much definitely what it was going to be, but I could swear that that was a WONKETE EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT WONKET speculation.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          RNC oppo research probably reads Wonkette just to get ideas like this.

          • CindynEncinitas

            Okay, shhhhh you guys!

      • UnholyMoses

        "Donald Trump has been talking about some "big surprise" he has coming at the RNC … "

        His hair stands up and runs away? He admits that multiple bankruptcies =/= financial genius? He helps Rosie O'Donnell have a gay abortion?


        • NellCote71

          I would bet you too, but all my money is offshore, at least I blindly trust that it is. You will just have to take my word for it. You people have seen all you are going to see of my panties, er, finances.

    • sullivanst

      I'm so sure it's Trump, I'll bet ten million Mitt-dollars.

      • UnholyMoses

        I'll bet you no less than 13% of that …

      • SavageDrummer

        You know the exchange rate between dollars and Mitt-dollars is like 100,000:1 right?

        • sullivanst

          Why should I care when I'm betting someone else's money?

    • tessiee

      Lou Sarah shows up wearing a sweater and a bathing suit Stars 'n' Stripes bikini

  • luckismine

    I'm afraid they're going to Mystery Date Rape me.

    • Weird, I was going to say a Holographic Zombie Reagan, too!

      • MOG2410

        Are you trying to call down the wrath of Ronald?????

        • sullivanst

          Welease Woddewick!

    • zumpie

      Well, if you get preggers from it, it will be YOUR fault! Cause you know, legitamate rape, shut it down….etc

    • Antispandex

      Yes, I was thinking that the whole "Mystery Speaker" thing had a little too much of a creepy, touchy, too long of a huggy uncle, sort of vibe. Well, yeah, like the G.O.P. and their rapist and incest baby obsession, sure… so Mystery Date Rape fits well. Good Call!

    • UnholyMoses

      Wonder what they use for roofies.

      My first guess: Roofies.

      Second guess: Tax cuts + roofies

      • Boojum

        Tim Pawlenty.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Aldo Nova?

    • chicken_thief

      Fantasy Libelz!!!

    • Generation[redacted]

      So forget all that you see
      It's not reality, it's just a fantasy

      sounds like willard's campaign platform, alright.

  • SorosBot

    One of the Oogieloves?

    • All of them will appear with the cast of "TopShots", who will then proceed to execute them one by one as they flee into the audience.

    • I'm one Oogieloves ad away from punching through my laptop screen.

    • MissTaken

      All of the Oogieloves.

      • SorosBot

        Great; more nightmare fuel for tonight.

    • Victoria Jackson will be entertained.

  • Steverino247

    May my granddaughter never discover that game.

  • KathrynSane

    In an attempt to showcase their party's diversity, the GOP will bring in a poor black Jewish disabled lesbian to speak briefly about how millionaires getting tax breaks will help her feed her children.

    • Feed them to what, exactly? The velociraptor-like Wingnut Wife prototypes, Ann and Calista?

  • Buzz Feedback

    Rafalca the Dressage Horse.

    • LibertyLover

      With Newt Gingrich carrying a shovel.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Oh? It's nice that he's found work.

        • tessiee

          his new job is not dissimilar to the entire rest of his career, but less divisive and hateful.

    • Tommy1733

      That would be SO COOL

  • mrpuma2u

    AHH-nold makes a cameo and calls Barry O a "girly man"

  • The Angel Moroni?

  • fredbell

    Sarah Palin.

  • BornInATrailer



    • Beowoof

      They needed someone with a brain.

    • fredbell

      Yes, of course KITT!!…It stood for Knight-Industries-Two-Thousand…Who didn't know that?

  • Santorum on bath salts.

  • hagajim

    I think they're going to hold a "legitimate" rape on stage to prove that girl parts can fight the legitimate sperm.

    • Either the Convention, or Mythbusters.

    • CindynEncinitas

      But oh to find a "legitimate" Repub girl to rape? No, wait a minute…

      • horsedreamer_1

        Megz, nooooooooooooo!

  • Goonemeritus

    I think a group lead period of introspection on when the Republican Party jumped the shark followed by a 45 minute crying jag.

    • There would have to be a LOT of something in the water.

    • tessiee

      Not only do Rs not know what that means, I'd be amazed if they could even spell it.

  • Romney paid to have Osama's body dredged up – it will be on display for everyone to have their picture taken with.

    • sullivanst

      Romney: "I'll take a lot of credit for Bin Laden's death"

  • LibertyLover

    Will it be a DREAM? (OOHHH!) or a DUD? (Waaa Waaa!)

    • nounverb911

      Bobby Ewing?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Some butthole that nobody cares about?

  • Nibbler of Niblonia

    Donald Trump is gonna "yer-fired" an Obama impersonator.

    Maddow called this last Friday, and Rhodes Scholar Lesbians in jeans and sport coat are never wrong about this kind of thing.

    • She got it from Pareene, who I am pretty damned sure got it from HERE in my comments!

      • Yea, I read your post posted about this weeks ago.

        • Then we should share the Internet-Bucks for discovering it!!

          • Oooh, sorry, I spent the Bitcoin…

          • IceCreamEmpress

            Ha ha ha Bitcoin I am loving the whole saga of that right now, how the biggest "banker" defaulted with everyone's RonPaulFunBux (TM some brilliant cynic on SomethingAwful) and half of the Bitcoiners are all "No, no, he's going to pay us back! He's just mysteriously ten days late for a Very Good Reason!"

        • Nah-ah. I wrote a choose-your-own-adventure novella about this in 1982.

  • Estproph

    David Duke.

  • Orly Taitz and the Birthers singing ♪♫ Chain of Foolz ♫♪ ?

  • metamarcisf

    Dave Mustaine and Ted Nugent

  • Ruhe

    Jeff Dunham? Doing his new "Reagan Zombie Puppet" routine?

  • punkneverdies

    They will roll Rush Limbaugh out on a gigantic dolly and he will awe the attendees with his flatulence for 2 hours.

    • slithytoves

      They already have Christie…

      • punkneverdies

        His asking price was too high, he wanted all of the ham.

    • Beowoof

      Well he is unique in that he can sustain it coming from both ends for the entire two hours.

    • ThankYouJeebus

      It is amazing. He farts from both ends while drinking a glass of water.

    • tessiee
      • punkneverdies

        A fartiste!

  • ChernobylSoup

    Bin Laden's orphans. The RNC will blame their plight on Obama.

    • Nice. Easy to coordinate, since George W. Bush is their legal guardian.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Speaking of W, where the hell is the dimwit during all this excitment?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      They dare not even speak his name. We need to remind them.

    • Who?

    • AncienReggie

      New Orleans. Waiting for Isaac.

    • PubOption

      Cutting brush in his backyard in Dallas.

    • bobbert

      Who? You mean the former owner of the Texas Rangers?

    • tessiee

      In an undisclosed location, out of the reach of extradition, finishing his life's work of drinking himself to death.

    • CthuNHu

      He was invited to attend, but unfortunately had a scheduling conflict.

      Where "had a scheduling conflict" means "was bound, gagged, and shackled to the living rock 1500 feet down an abandoned copper mine in Idaho until the election's over."

  • Freewayblogger

    Augusto Pinochet.

  • Are they outsourcing the dating service to Craigslist?

  • CapnFatback

    Can I answer in the form of Jeopardy?


  • IonaTrailer

    The ghost of Valerie Solanas will appear reading the entire text to "SCUM Manifesto".

  • noodlesalad

    The real Mitt Romney, who's been locked in a tower and replaced by a reasonably humanish android for the past thirty years? The flesh and blood Romney will of course endorse the android before being sent back to the dungeon.

  • Joseph Smith with more golden tablets.

  • elviouslyqueer

    My bet's on Rick Santorum, who will do a lovely (and feathery!) homage to Josephine Baker before being required by Reince Priebus to immolate himself in front of a life-size effigy of Paul Ryan.

    Oh, and in slightly related convention nooz: Is our wingnuts learning?

    • MOG2410

      Love it. In a related item, local DE politico, Cher Valenzuela had a huge shoutout in the Sunday paper, talking about how she's bootstrapped herself up from nothing – using family and government loans. But she built that business herself, you betcha!

    • tessiee

      Rick Santorum, who will do a lovely (and feathery!) homage to Josephine Baker"

      I hope the cheetah bites his nuts off.

  • freakishlywrong

    Zombie Reagan. He like Brraaaaaiinnnns!

    • TootsStansbury

      At this convention? Sorry zombie, nothing to eat here.

      • freakishlywrong

        I thought that as I hit "submit".. I just wanted to type; "Brraaaaaiinnnns!"

    • Thanks to you and weejee (above) I now am picturing Zombie-Orly & retinue singing "Brains-brains-brains/ Brains of Fools" ♫

  • fawkedifiknow


    • Gleem McShineys

      With a wonderful demonstration of the trickle-down economic theory.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Maybe it's Bain Capital.

    Corporations are people, too, my friends.

  • Hologram Ronald Reagan, Hologram Lincoln and Hologram Jeebus reenacting their famous signing of the Declaration of Independence.

    • Arborista

      Add in Hologram George Washington & Hologram James Madison (star player for the Federalist Society) & I think I can believe this one.

      • Gleem McShineys

        Hologram Dolly Madison, maker of snack cakes we like, would probably woo the hovverround crowd better.

    • belmontreport

      I think that Fox News either reads Wonkette comments or is reporting that this may be a possibility (the Reagan one, anyway).

  • CapnFatback

    Actually, it's a misprint. It should read "T. B. Announced," the devil-may-care international playboy with a taste for fine foods, luxurious locales, and exotic women. He plays hard and he works sparingly. Oh, he'll rape your daughter . . . with his charm.

    And his penis. His charm and his penis. And his pharmaceutical cabinet of roofies.

    Charm, penis, roofies.

    • not that Dewey

      Charm, penis, roofies

      He's an expert at CPR.

      • CapnFatback

        Naturally. No one's got more experience with mouth-to-tranquilized-mouth.

    • PubOption

      T. B. Announced. Well, the republican party is the party of conspicuous consumption.

      • bobbert


    • UnholyMoses

      "Charm, penis, roofies."

      Typical GOP: Sway you, fuck you, THEN knock you out …

    • MoeDeLawn

      I don't always go to conventions.
      But when I do, I keep a fanny pack full of roofies with me. Stay interesting, my friends.

      • tessiee

        "I keep a fanny pack full of roofies with me"

        Ironically, the fanny pack makes the roofies necessary.

    • bobbert

      This is Florida, right? Where they shut down the only TB hospital just in time for the nascent pandemic?

      "T.B. Announced" is past tense — they have bad news for the delegates.

    • tessiee

      "Charm, penis, roofies."


  • eggsacklywright

    Babs the Impaler.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Or maybe Vlad the Impala.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    All that, and a bag of chips?

  • SorosBot

    Seamus the Irish setter, saying that he really didn't mind being tortured on top of that car by Mittens too much.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Arlen Specter?

    • AncienReggie

      Harsh, dude. Harsh.

  • Bill Ayres

  • chicken_thief

    (M)Ann Coulter, sayin' how she was jes jokin' about the whole "if Christie the whale doesn't run the party will nominate Romney and Romney will lose" thingy?

  • littlebigdaddy

    The corpse of Ayn Rand? Leni Reifenstahl? So many possibilities!

  • north_of_moscow

    Larry the Cable Guy, Joe the Plumber and Bobby Jindal doing a Three Stooges impersonation, but with topical humor!

  • Arborista

    Either a baker of baked goods or a bunch of Burmese Pythons that escaped from the Everglades.

    • littlebigdaddy

      I would pay good money to see the latter, with or without Samuel L. Jackson.

  • Antispandex

    It's W. You know it is. SOMEONE has to validate the whole, "Barry is blaming everything on someone else, and taking credit for stuff he didn't even do!", narrative they are foisting off on middle America. G.W. can get up there and say something like, "Who do you folks think really got Bin Laden, me or some Kenyan muslim?", and the crowd will go wild!

  • Terry

    Ron Paul. Ron Paul announces that he now fully supports the GOP platform with no reservations. If you look closely, you can see Reince Priebus' hand going straight up Paul's arse.

    • belmontreport

      They could just re-use the Tupac hologram, and say that if Obama is re-elected he's going to bring back all of the dead rappers to "pal around with".

    • tessiee

      Having Ron Paul and Paul Ryan in the same building would be too confusing for "people" at that level of "intelligence".

  • MissTaken

    Hologram Ronnie-Baby Reagan saying "I favor the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and it must be enforced at gunpoint if necessary" and then getting booed by the entire delegation.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I am not going to watch this crap. And my TV was stolen. And I don't want to put my foot through the new one I bought to replace it. So, there's that.

    • Tundra Grifter


      Be very careful! It's common for sneak thieves to take tv's, etc., and just throw them away. Then come back for the brand new one they figure you just bought.

  • Steverino247

    James Bond and QE II drop in by parachute?

    • MissTaken

      I'm so much of a finance nerd that I thought QEII was the second round of quantitative easing the Fed did to stimulate the economy. I need to get out more.

      • Steverino247

        I was expecting somebody to think I was referring to the Royal Mail Steamer of the same name.

        SorosBot! Get over there and see to MissTaken's need to get out more.

      • MOG2410

        Yikes, it's budget time in my world and I thought the same thing.

    • sullivanst

      How tired did everyone else around here get of the bobbleheads on TV talking as if the actual Queen was actually dangling from a parachute all through the games?

  • WhatTheHeck

    What? We finally get to see Mormon Jeebus!

  • kittensdontlie

    That Nigerian princess, who has been waiting patiently for you to send her money so you can become RICH!!! The Twist: She is also the President's Real Mother!!! And that makes Him, a foreigner and not a very good son!

  • LibrarianX

    Jeff Gannon

  • Arborista

    But doesn't the Great Pumpkin = John Boehner?

  • IonaTrailer

    Ann Coulter will pop out of a giant cake?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Reminds me of that clever game, Whack a Troll.

      • trondant

        Reminds me of Alien.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          “Get away from her, Bitch!!”

  • zumpie

    Hmmmm, so many choices:

    1) Limbaugh to scream his impotent white rage to the faithful?

    2) Cindy Crawford to represent evil Hollyweird and so they can yet again yap about how much hotter Puggie chicks are?

    3)Todd Akin and Tom Smith so they can just go ahead and double down on the lady-hate?

    4) Paul Ryan's pretend hausfrau/beard—preferably sporting something "Real Merikun" from Kohl's that her aide snatched from the clearance rack that afternoon?

    4a) Bonus points: Mrs. Ryan and (a barely able to contain her disgust) Marie Ann-Romnette have a cooking expo on stage where they further pretend to be "just like us"!!!

    5) Peggy Noonan to pass out drunk and revel in her pointless irrelevance?

    6) Rich Lowry to remind us that Mittens "won every race he was ever in, except for the two he didn't" and (of course) leave off that he's only been in 3 races.

    7) Any of the excellent choices noted above….

    • MOG2410

      Kohl's libel!!!!!!!!!!!

  • thefrontpage

    For everyone at the Horrorshow in Tampa this week, be sure to check out the strip club Camelot Palace this week, as it's featuring nude chocolate syrup wrestling matches between Victoria Jackson and Janine Turner on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights. The cover is only $10, and you get one free autograph from Jackson and Turner each. For another $10, you get a special lap dance by either Jackson or Turner, and for an extra $20, you get a lap dance by Jackson and Turner. So, for $30, you get the chocolate syrup wrestling match, two autographs, and a double lap dance by Victoria Jackson and Janine Turner. That should rile 'em up in Tampa this week!!

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      for $100 Chris Christie will swoop in and gobble them both up where they stand, belching his rage at the audience

  • IonaTrailer

    The entire cast of Honey Boo-Boo?

    • MOG2410


      • Kid_Charlemagne

        Weren't they at the last GOP Convention?? No wait, that was the Palins.

  • TootsStansbury

    I really dislike these assholes.

  • thefrontpage

    Also, according to informed Republican sources in Tampa, the "mystery speaker" Thursday night will be a special nude appearance by Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin, and they will take turns reading, while completely naked, selected passages from "Emmanuelle," "Lady Chatterley's Lover," "The Story of O," "Fear of Flying" and "The Feminine Mystique." This is scheduled to occur directly after Rumley's speech.

    • PubOption

      Not 'Fifty Shades of Grey', or is that banned because of the British spelling?

  • Jus_Wonderin

    OT, sorta. Did anyone notice there are 4 girls and 3 guys in that photo? Which girl gets stiffed?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Judging by the three guys' general fabulousness, I believe the answer would be…

      None of them, Katie.

    • MissTaken

      The girl with the pink ponytail. All the others are matched up: a blah with a blah, a skier with a skier, and a formal dress girl with a dude in a tux. The casual hottie with the tank top and shorts and fun little hairdo goes to the park with her picnic basket and finds her Mr Right without the help of a stupid board game.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I thought this was interesting, I didn't know how the game worked.

        Mystery Date can be played with 2, 3, or 4 players. The object of the game is to be ready for a date by acquiring three matching color-coded cards to assemble an outfit. The outfit must then match the outfit of the date at the "mystery door". The date is revealed by spinning the door handle and opening the plastic door on the game board. The five possible dates are:

        *the formal dance date
        *the bowling date
        *the beach date
        *the skiing date
        *the dud

        The date to be avoided is the poorly dressed "dud". He is wearing slovenly attire. His hair is tousled and his face sports a beard shadow. There was also a figure made out to represent a construction worker for another "undesirable" partner, as per prevailing values of the time.

        In the 1970s game, a picnic date replaced the bowling date.

        If the player's outfit does not match the date behind the door, the door is closed and play continues.

        • How demeaning it was to encourage little girls to "play into" subservient and dependent gender roles! We are much more enlightened now, with mobile games like "Diner Dash" that encourage little girls to run around like crazy serving sammiches.

          • Jus_Wonderin

            I found this ironic. From what I can see “…his hair is tousled and his face sports a beard shadow…” is sort of THE look now.

        • tessiee

          "He is wearing slovenly attire. His hair is tousled and his face sports a beard shadow."

          He has hipster/nerd glases, lots of poorly executed tattoos, and a pierced bellybutton, and smells like patchouli and ass…
          Oh, wait; that's the speshul Portland version of the game.

  • Chichikovovich

    Pat Buchanan, baby. The "Culture War" speech wasn't a mistake – it was just given 20 years too soon!

  • JustPixelz

    Gotta be Jesus. Of course, he'll take one look at their platform and damn them. And when Jesus damns you, you stay damned.

  • RadioBowels

    Rebecca Schoenkopf?

  • MacRaith

    Come on, Editrix, don't be coy. We know the truth. You managed to sneak yourself onto the program, didn't you?

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    They're going to fly the moldering corpse of Ronald Reagan over the heads of the audience. As it reaches the apex of the arena it will burst into a thousand points of light, trickling down upon the attendees, forming a Star Wars shield protecting them the ravages of reality while anointing them with the holy ashes of his bleached white bones…

  • JustPixelz

    Probably Osama bin Laden. They'll bring him in to prove Barry didn't kill him. I'll bet they give him a ten minute standing ovation.

  • IonaTrailer

    Beverly LaHaye (Concerned Women for America) will speechify about hatin' the gayz, lovin' Jeebus, abstinence edumacation, and legitimate rape as family values.

  • TootsStansbury

    The brothers Koch.

    • Rotundo_

      They are the sponsors, so why not?

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    Ronald Reagan hologram or GTFO!

  • JCE1985

    The reanimated corpse of an 18th century slave trader and auctioneer!

  • PrimlyStable

    Ken Layne, obviously.

  • arduinohacker

    I find those dates (the fems) real easy to m****te to.

    • MissTaken


  • Close. Breitbart's got some hella good hiphop moves he learned from Tupac.

  • Schmegeg

    OBL. He's not dead.

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    Trump will ride Rafalca across the stage, waving Obummer's REAL birth certificate while Joe Arpaio stands in the wings firing his six guns like Yosemite Sam on bath salts…

    • sullivanst

      This sounds like a perfect idea.

      And no, I don't say that because Rafalca would rear at the gunshots, tossing Trump onto his empty skull which would then shatter like Humpty Dumpty, before charging and trampling Arpaio.

      OR DO I?

  • mrpuma2u

    Darth Vader will show up, force choke Mittens to death and make Paul Ryan an admiral.

    • zumpie

      Whilst Palpatine chuckles malevolently…

    • tessiee

      Darth Vader is kidding himself if he thinks he's a match for Ryan.

  • eggsacklywright

    Ann Elk?

  • The Joker. That would be cool.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Too soon, Dude.

      • Kid_Charlemagne

        They are letting Laura Bush speak again?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Common Sense?

  • Dumbedup

    Nancy Reagan still alive? I think her, alive or dead

  • Living in Joy

    I'm thinking Sarah Palin. She went a little too easy into this good night. Not much protesting. Laying a little too low. Think how this would energize the base because this woman can make a speech, even if 95% of it doesn't make sense, and the old geezers (and not so old, looking at you Rich Lowry) would definitely get a hard on over it.

  • mavenmaven

    1. William Ayers! He will admit to writing Obama's books for him! The republicans still want to vet Obama.
    2. Lyndie England will do a striptease and S&M exhibition for them.
    3. They will get Monica Lewinsky to vet Clinton, because if you are going to be out of synch with the times, go all out!

  • fartknocker

    Will the Wonkette live blog this bitchin event?

  • Colin Powell. They've kidnapped his family, held him captive and tortured him. He finally turned (back) and agreed to be the new black face of the party.

  • littlebigdaddy

    a cracken?

  • Nostrildamus

    Classic Mystery Date? I don't think so. The game I saw commercials for in the 60's never had any brownz.

  • A small, fluffy kitten that RMoney will stop on to demonstrate to the poors what happens when they defy their overlords. Occupy that, you uppity unemployed types.

    • tessiee

      For an encore, Rapey Eyes Ryan will stomp an actual poor person.

  • ahnc

    George W. Bush escorted by Saddam's gun.

  • UnholyMoses

    All of 'em, Katie … ?

  • MinAgain

    If it was George Romney's ghost, instead of Breitbart, I'd actually tune in to hear him read his party the Riot Act and then curse them all with boils or baldness or whatever ghosts curse people with these days.

  • NotLloyd

    The surprise nomination of hologram Mitt Romney? Y'know just to make him creepier.

  • tihond

    Red Klotz will give a stirring pep talk.

  • DahBoner


  • BlueStateLibel

    A nattily dressed gentleman who promises to throw the election for Rmoney in exchange for their souls; they quickly accept.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Zombie Barry Goldwater.

  • zumpie

    Yet another totally irrelevant former someone (read Sununu or George Pataki) to insist that once everyone realizes what an awesome husband/father Mittens is, EVERYBODY will vote for him??

  • Troglodeity

    Oh! Oh! I know! Todd Akin and Tom Smith in a heartwarming duet of "Love Me Tender"!

  • barto

    Paul Ryan announces his running mate!

  • Tundra Grifter

    $10,000 says its George Bush (43). There will be a video introduction by his Father (41).

  • Since this is RapeCon 2012, I'll say Ben Roethlisberger.

    • Kid_Charlemagne

      He never leaves the hospitality suite.

  • Caelan Aegana

    I am glad I will be at a video game convention so that I can ignore this shit. You know, legitimately.

  • rickmaci

    Hologram Reagan. But that crowd will turn on him when he announces it's OK to raise taxes.

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    Generalissimo Francisco Franco!

  • tessiee

    I would like this game a lot better if they didn't keep insisting that Paul Ryan is The Dreamboat.

  • kiska30

    Obviously it's Chuck Norris.

  • BZ1

    Darth Cheney makes his appearance, watch your throats …

  • rickmaci

    I think I have a lead preview on the speech for that time slot.

  • Eve8Apples

    The heartless fuckers are gonna tie poor little Seamus to the top of a car and drive him around the arena.

  • AtwatersGhost

    Suicide Bomber…ohhh wet dream.

  • LibrarianX

    Mummy Ayn Rand renounces her atheist views. Crowd goes WILD. Paul Ryan wets pants….

  • blatherous


    No, wait.

    Sarah Palin.

  • tallmutha

    Given the "We Built This" theme, I think I have it:

    Jefferson Starship, to sing their biggest hit!

  • cybermoe


  • horsedreamer_1

    Dick Cheney or Artur "RuPaul undragged" Davis.

  • ttommyunger

    I'm thinking Ann Coulter will fuck Pat Buchanan up the arse but will refuse the obligatory reach-around. David Duke will make a surprise appearance along with Mike Huckabee, Ted Nugent and the ghost of Charlton Heston and they will sing the first three verses of "Amazing Grace, Sit on My Face".

  • PinkoPopulist

    When I read this headline I was really sincerely hoping that Wonkette sent an undercover operative into the world of gay no strings attached dating in Tampa, attempting to trap unsuspecting Conservatives in Rent Boy scandals. Boy was I disappointed.

    We ALL KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BE DONALD TRUMP! YOU'RE FIRED! Derp de derp birth certificate KeNyA sociAlIST NOBAMA!!!

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