gone hollywood

Janine Turner Built That: Wingnut Northern Exposure Actress’s Blast From The Past

Phyllis Schlafly

Everyone knows Republicans hate Hollywood, until they find a Hollywood Actor who doesn’t find them to be terrifying pieces of shit. And they have found one such, and she is going to be speaking at them during “We Built It Day,” sometime today! It is Janine Turner, and she is amazing, and we are going to re-run a post from April of this year so you too can learn how terrific and cogent and right-thinking and not at all scrambled-egg-brained she is!

Famous 1990s actress Janine Turner (“Northern Exposure,” “The Night of the White Pants”) has joined the other most famous lady GOPer, Victoria Jackson, in going full wingnut, as you could probably tell by this terrifying picture of her going as Nancy Reagan for Halloween except that that is always how she looks now aiyeeeee!

Anyway, Ol’ Janine over there is a “writer” now for Pajamas Media, and this is very exciting, and her first column is a holy shit of a tl;dr wherein she takes apart the word “girlfriends” with each letter forming a different way to convert your idiot liberal Hollywood bitch “girlfriends” to reasonableness by explaining that they are stupid traitors. What fun! Let’s take apart some of it (it is literally a list of 63 bullet points) until we are bored! OK, it starts with an introduction where Turner explains that it is hard being a conservative Lady at a table full of blah commie Whoopie Goldbergs, and old feminist battleaxe Baba Wawas, and the talky one, you know, the Jewish one, because conservative women are too sweet and nice to stand up to them. But Turner will show you how!

G: Get Reasonable. Want to teach your children that laws don’t matter? Be a Democrat.
Knowledge is power and reason is a civic responsibility.
Our United States Constitution is the law of the land.
Democrat think the Constitution is irrelevant because it restricts them.

That is some excellent reasonableness right there, and we should always strive for such reasonableness in our own daily lives! For instance: Are you at the grocery store, and a lady is too engrossed in her own selfish bullshit to move aside so you could get down the aisle? Be reasonable, and PUNCH HER IN HER STUPID FACE. It is so awful how Democrat traitors are always being so mean to conservatives like Janine Turner, who knows that “the Democrats, not able to defend their wiles with wisdom, will attack the Republican women’s character. They know that Democrats cannot have a reasonable conversation, and a brouhaha will ensue.” It is so awful especially that they would do that while menstruating all over the Constitution and just cold breakin’ the law, ALWAYS, probably because Reefer Madness made them listen to Jazz and rape a White lady.

We are going to skip over about 50 letters now because Jesus Christ, and alight on this:

D: Darkness — Democrats Want Us to Be in the Dark. Want your child to sit in the dark? Be a Democrat.

We did not blow out our candles until we had electricity strung in our homes.
Obama is punishing and restricting our current American energy industry through the EPA in ways that are not feasible and not constitutional.
Government fails when it mandates the market. See Solyndra.
Our electricity is being compromised before alternatives are viable and accessible.
Obama and the Democrats want us to be awash in windmills.
What happens if the wind doesn’t blow?

Stupid DutchWHAT HAPPENS IF THE WIND DOESN’T BLOW, AMERICA! And we did not blow out our candles until we had electricity strung in our homes. This is fucking William Blake style poetry of the mind, and we all should probably smoke some opium RIGHT NOW and let it wash through us like the tide. But what if the ocean stops tiding, huh? WHAT THEN? And that is why we must have coal-fired power plants forever and ever, because who ever heard of getting energy from wind? Stupid fucking Dutch, go back to Dutchland! Janine Turner is having no more of your Yurpeen nonsense. And that is how you convert your friends, by explaining them about candles, the end. [PajamasMedia]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. Barbara_

    What happens if Janine doesn't blow?
    She doesn't get the Vagasil commercial she needs to keep up her Screen Actors Guild membership, then loses her health insurance and has to do her own pap smears at home with a handheld mirror and a spork she found in the parking lot.

    1. actor212

      Blow-y actresses don't SAG

      Well, I mean, they do but they don't do it for work. My guess is she's gone financial core, which is about as non-union as she can afford to get.

    2. Mittens Howell, III

      Congratulations, you are hereby awarded the Golden Upfist for 'Best use of the word 'Spork in a Wonkette comment'

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        I agree. I will now retire my use of the word "spork" for life because I can never reach this level superior usage.

    1. sewollef

      There's a hairdressers in my neighbourhood that offers a list of services in the window. One of which is a "Cut & Blow — only $10.00".

      Many a time I've been tempted to walk in and ask for that option, but to hold the cut part and just give me a blow.

      I think Janine works there now, judging by her barnet*.

      [*Cockney for haircut]

  2. StarsUponThars

    A friend of mine worked on the production crew of Northern Exposure and had some some very funny stories to tell about her high level of dingaling.

    1. jjdaddyo

      This article makes me sad because I had such a thing for JT while she was on Northern Exposure.
      Now I want to throw up in my mouth retroactively.

      1. Angry_Marmot

        As a gentleman-of-a-certain-age, I feel your pain. Now I'm afraid they're going to tell me Miss February 1984 doesn't like rainstorms, steak and fries or bubble baths and I'm just gonna lose all hope.

    2. StarsUponThars

      In giving instructions on how to play a scene, the director told Ms. Turner that she needed to be more earnest. Ms. Turner was unfamiliar with the word.

      1. Geminisunmars

        You mean she didn't understand the importance of being Earnest? (i'm sorry, I couldn't stop myself)

  3. Maman

    I think she doesn't need to keep her SAG card. I thought she got her huge payoff from the mystery father of her child that requires her to stay in Dallas and raise said child to be a wingnut.

    1. Terry

      Oooh, is she the mother of GWB's secret love child? The rumors say that he bought the woman a huge house down by Corpus. A "huge house down by Corpus" is one that doesn't still have the wheels on it and is high enough on pilings to avoid flooding during a class 1 or 2 hurricane.

        1. Tequila Mockingbird

          It's Jerry Jones, Jr. He's the son of.. wait for it… Jerry Jones, Sr.

          Yeah, Janine's babydaddy was never a mystery. Jones was (still is?) married when they hooked up, so the family paid her to go away.

          1. 1stNewtontheMoon

            very interesting. i thought i'd heard all the goofy tangentially related to sports rumors there were. not totally surprising though. troy aikman was said to be plowing her back in the concussed days.

            wait a sec., there were also "troy's a gay" rumors. any chance she was troy's beard? or just a reverse newt gingrich who passed over the QB for the (son of the) guy signing his checks? maybe the wingnuttery is an attempt to ingratiate herself with those awful joneses.

          2. rickmaci

            Wait. You're telling me that Jemean Turdner was a rielle hunter before Rielle Hunter? Sweet. Would luuuvvv to hear her doing the wingtard spiel about family values.

  4. MacRaith

    "Democrat think the Constitution is irrelevant because it restricts them." Isn't it interesting how the right wing always projects its worst traits onto Democrats? Or "Democrat", in this case.

  5. freakishlywrong

    Do they clone these things somewhere? Deep in the darkness of wingnut bowels? Conservative women are a disgrace to my lady parts.

  6. FakaktaSouth

    "Obama is punishing and restricting our current American energy industry through the EPA in ways that are not feasible and not constitutional."

    Yes, because if you can breathe the air without asthma and someone ain't making bank off your suffering with their power, the government wins.

    1. NellCote71

      "Obama is . . . . in ways that are not feasible. . . "

      How can you carry something out if it is not feasible? Does perchance the lady from the Northlands mean sustainable? Or is that a commie word to be found in right-thinking keyboards?

    1. jcinco

      haha, I read this morning in the movie The Butler, Jane Fonda is playing nancy, hahaha, that might put the old broad right over the edge…

      1. tessiee

        Interesting casting, since Jane Fonda's father was Henry Fonda, an honest to god actor and contemporary of wannabe actor Ronnie Raygun.

  7. punkneverdies

    Maybe this is a dumb question but how come almost all of these conservative former celebrities are blonde with blue eyes?

        1. MacRaith

          No, she's pretty typical of what you get when you don't have a large enough gene pool for your breeding program.

    1. tessiee

      Because there's only so long that you can make an actual career out of being blonde with blue eyes; so once you age out of being cute, you have to become a shill for whoever will pay you?

  8. viennawoods13

    Really? Democrats and Republicans having lunch at the same table? And why didn't those Republican freedom-lovers demand their salt shaker and double bacon cheeseburgers to replace the Michelle Obama approved-menu? I call bullshit.

  9. Beowoof

    I guess she built that stunning acting career after Northern Exposure. It is awesome to behold. Shit even Rob Morrow did better than Janine.

  10. Jus_Wonderin

    That photo doesn't show if Janine has arms and hands so she can fuckin' trot off to get me a beer and a sammich.

  11. Terry

    So, when a woman decides to be a Republican, does the GOP knock her down and apply false eyelashes immediately or is it a decision the woman comes to after being brainwashed by Fox News?

    1. Terry

      Word Salad 101. I'm starting to think they must pass out a text generation program that creates sentences randomly around GOP buzz words.

    2. jcinco

      I read how she was driving down the road in TX, naturally, when she heard the news about sarahshrew being tapped for mcfuddled's vp. She pulled over to the side of the road and wept…I read that and puked…

      1. tessiee

        *twang twang*
        "Drivin' down the road, lookin' for a Waffle House, drinkin' lotsa Wild Turkey…"
        — MST3K

  12. Wadisay

    The wind will continue to blow, on account of the 200-mph hurricanes and tornados global warming is whipping up, thank you very much.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      Yeah, where the fuck did that one come from?!? These folks are in constant battle with imaginary foes.

  13. Goonemeritus

    Do you want your daughter to be chattel then vote Republican.

    I think we can all agree that the female mind is ill equipped to make rational decisions about what is good and healthy. For evidence of this one needs to look no farther than our beloved Edrix who when left unsupervised will hug virtually any random Fox News personality.

      1. jcinco

        spoiler: lovey will be going over her health issues point by point..I believe she'll be using a dry erase board…

  14. deanbooth

    Want to teach your children that laws don’t matter?

    I once had a homemade bumper sticker that said, "Why do we need the Patriot Act when Bush ignores the law?" A woman police officer pulled up next to me in a parking lot, and tapped on my window. "Great bumper sticker!" she said.

    1. 1stNewtontheMoon

      woman police officer? lemme guess: Berkeley, California. does Rush know about this development? was she allowed to drive? surely her gun was a wooden model, right?

  15. T3rbo

    Why is this woman an authority on anything? Her wiki page does not list "education." It does say that she left home at 15 to become a model. So, high school dropout?

    This is the major weakness of the left-all of the people who speak out, or have radio shows, are too educated, so our side can't resort to any of this bullshit. It has been programmed out of our celebrities.

    The right, though, gets college dropouts like Rush and Beck and this old bitch, who can just say whatever and convince other nincompoops that they are right using logical fallacies and nonsense. "I was in a TV show, take it from me! Right after I dropped out of high school, I began to read 'the wealth of nations,' and boy did it open my eyes! It clearly stated that Obammer is a BLACKIE SOCIALIST WHO IS A SECRET TERRIST!!!"

    1. IonaTrailer

      I betcha you won't be seeing any scientists speaking about the melting Arctic ice this week. Or about anything else. If these two airhead former actresses and a bunch of political hacks are all they got – bhwahahahah

      1. T3rbo

        Yeah, the Right needs to maintain their deathgrip on non-college educated white men. It's all they have left, other than the 1%.
        In four years, the repub convention will just be a big country and western concert combined with a klan rally, and there will be monster trucks.
        Scientists tend to alienate this demographic, while tee vee celebrities may engage this demographic. White wingnut lady you used to want to bone? Perfect! Dumb egghead who has more education than me, talkin' about polar bears? Fuck that guy!
        It kind of makes their choice of Willard questionable-he needs more cutoff flannel shirts and a trucker hat

  16. LibertyLover

    I suppose her argument against solar energy is also "what if the sun doesn't shine?"

    Janine, sweetie, the sun shines everyday, it's just hard to see it through your bellybutton.

  17. ph7

    She is writing a book titled Single Mothers Throughout History for Thomas Nelson Publishers, is promoting her groundbreaking Christian Yoga video, “Christoga,” yoga with Biblical scriptures and is recording a Christian album.

    Biblical verses and yoga.

        1. Terry

          Now that you mention it, if parents have a teenage boy who is getting into a lot of trouble, they probably should get him stoned. Give him a big bag of weed, the necessary accessories, then put him in the basement with a bunch of junk food and tv showing cartoons. When he ages out of that testosterone addled stage of life, reintroduce him into the world.

          1. DemmeFatale

            My dad was a junior high teacher, (yes, kids, middle school was called junior high back in the day), and he thought that teenage boys should be temporarily infertile during their school years. He proposed some kind of "anti-fertility ray" that could be installed at school entrances.
            He also called those big customized vans of the 70's "daughter rapers."

        2. T3rbo

          Sounds like great fun! This crazy person could scream into a microphone, while children do yoga!
          Ok, downward dog, kids!
          Your wickedness makes you as it were heavy as lead, and to tend downwards with great weight and pressure towards hell; and if God should let you go, you would immediately sink and swiftly descend and plunge into the bottomless gulf, and your healthy constitution, and your own care and prudence, and best contrivance, and all your righteousness, would have no more influence to uphold you and keep you out of hell, than a spider's web would have to stop a fallen rock.
          Don't forget to breathe!

    1. LibertyLover

      I don't suppose those single mothers had any help. Maybe a village to help? Naw, I'm sure they did it all themselves.

      1. Biff

        Trying to equate herself with those she writes about must be fun. I mean, how many of those single mothers had joint custody with a brazilianaire son of a football team owner? Women like her make me ill, having a child as if it was some kind of fashion statement, like Paris Hilton and her purse-dogs…

    2. tessiee

      "a book titled Single Mothers Throughout History"

      Wait, aren't single mothers, or…
      *cue ominous music*
      bad people?
      I think I saw that in a Jon McNaughton painting, or somewhere.

  18. mavenmaven

    I was thinking how lucky Dr. Joel Fleischmann was that he didn't marry this crazy lady but rather developed a successful cardiology practice back in NYC, married an Asian radiologist and had a bunch of clever kids all now in med school or pre-meds at Stanford.

    1. shelwood46

      Nuh-uh. He moved to the LA area, became an FBI agent, and his mathematician brother hooked up with an Indian mathematician lady.

    2. Angry_Marmot

      I thought he broke the quiz show scandal, worked in the Kennedy and Johnson administrations and married Doris Kearns Goodwin.

  19. fartknocker

    This stupid twat fails to realize that Rural Electric Cooperative was (and continues to be) a government mandated program to bring electric power to rural communities. The REC is now bringing high speed internet to these same communities. She's a typical North Dallas trophy wife who eats at the Cheesecake Factory, shops at Niemen Marcus at North cross Mall, and bitches when the Mercedes mechanic charges her $900 for an oil change.

    I hope she has a nice time in Tampa because her 15 minutes are about to be up because Mike Huckabee or Chris Christi are about to be the GOP 2016 saviors.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      And "221 comments" in the PJmedia linked piece… with, no exaggeration, like 19/20 of the remaining page following the conclusion of her sentence salad: krazy komments rest of the way down.

  20. Lot_49

    Among wingnut D-list former actresses, let's not forget "Everybody Loves Raymond" co-star, uh…what was her name again?

    1. shelwood46

      She's on The Middle these days,and has been blessedly silent lately. Kelsey Grammer, however, is claiming he didn't get nominated for an Emmy for the awful character he plays on the awful show he stars in on the premium cable channel no one has because, well, of course, because he's a Republican. I guess all those Emmys he won when he was on a good show that people watched was because no one knew he was an asshole yet. I mean, Republican.

      1. sullivanst

        Yes, couldn't possibly be because he's a terrible actor and an even worse person and everyone's had their fill of Frasier (which character every trailer for his "new" show appears to confirm he's still playing – maybe he's hoping to be the first person ever to be Emmy-nominated for the same role in four different shows?)

  21. kittensdontlie

    More sweet musings from JT:

    "Need an MRI? You will have to wait in line for it, and you may die while waiting."

    She's a dumb one, but I would definitely hit that,….with an MRI!….and Votes, yea…mainly with the Voting thing.

    1. tessiee

      "Need an MRI? You will have to wait in line for it"

      Behind all the whores and sluts getting forced vaginal probes.

      1. kittensdontlie

        And to the front of the line, we let the R-Dumbasses, and use an extra-large anal probe to scare them away from their own idiocy.

  22. Nowisallthereis

    Is she the one who played the Bush Pilot? That question had absolutely no snark in it and did not allude to her propensity to go muff diving. I do think that some of her words may have been misconstrued due to her difficulty in speaking clearly becaue of the curly hairs stuck between her teeth. Just trying to be helpful here.

    1. Biff

      That is her, yep. Another bush pilot, Ariel Tweto, is almost as annoying, but for entirely different reasons. At least she actually lives in Alaska, and is an actual pilot.

  23. chicken_thief

    "Knowledge is power and reason is a civic responsibility.' says the woman who dropped out of school at age 15, to a group that thinks ejamucashun is elitiss bullshit.

  24. Incitefully_Joe

    Honestly, if "the wind stops", and we manage to have a prolonged planet-wide doldrums, I suspect that the decrement of wind power will be the least of our problems, what with the concomitant rampant droughts and crop failures, among other issues.

    1. Chichikovovich

      And what if the sun stops radiating energy? All that money spent on solar power will have been wasted. Won't Democrats feel sheepish then!

      1. Incitefully_Joe

        Do be fair, isn't that the standard Theocon argument against any investment in infrastructure/education/anything that isn't War In The Middle-East? Jeebus is going to come back and destory the world, so what's the point?

  25. DahBoner

    It's the old "Democrats want us to live in grass huts", again.

    This is coming from someone who got paid to stand in front of fake stage sets and pretend to be someone they're not?


  26. smitallica

    I love how people who believe that the world is 6000 years old and the Constitution was written in God-sperm think that WE'RE the ones incapable of reasonable arguments.

    Also, what a cunt.

  27. thefrontpage

    For everyone at the Horrorshow in Tampa this week, be sure to check out the strip club Camelot Palace this week, as it's featuring nude chocolate syrup wrestling matches between Victoria Jackson and Janine Turner on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights. The cover is only $10, and you get one free autograph from Jackson and Turner each. For another $10, you get a special lap dance by either Jackson or Turner, and for an extra $20, you get a lap dance by Jackson and Turner. So, for $30, you get the chocolate syrup wrestling match, two autographs, and a double lap dance by Victoria Jackson and Janine Turner. That should rile 'em up in Tampa this week!!

  28. ShuCityRefugee

    Oh, c'mon, folks! Ms. Turner did have a recurring role on "Friday Night Lights" a few years ago.

    1. tessiee

      Isn't that some show about how high school football jocks don't get enough preferential treatment?

  29. Antispandex

    Well, let's be fair here. Look at the woman. They really aren't making Hollywood roles for her anymore. She has to take out her frustrations somewhere, right? And let's face it, windmill powered vibrators? What if the wind doesn't blow?

  30. natoslug

    Electricity is power and Honda makes the Civic, which is why Democrats are killing the constitution and all the good roles are going to younger actresses who are capable of blinking and actually producing tears and why doesn't anyone love me anymore????!!!!!!!111!!!

  31. tessiee

    "Want to teach your children that laws don’t matter? Be a Democrat."

    This must be why President Obama hides his billions in offshore havens of dubious legality and refuses to show his tax returns.
    Oh, wait.

  32. tessiee

    "she is going to be speaking at them during “We Built It Day,” sometime today!"

    Condescending Wonka: "Oh, you built it? That's fascinating, Pointy Blonde; tell us all about how you single-handedly built I-95".

  33. tessiee

    "Want your child to sit in the dark? Be a Democrat.

    We did not blow out our candles until we had electricity strung in our homes."

    At the request of Franklin D. Roosevelt… a Democrat… who they hate.

    History FAIL.

  34. deanbooth

    "I love the Constitution. My mother used to read Ayn Rand to me in bed every night. Now that took a long time to get through, but it changed my life."

    Turner's daughter, at the convention, quoted by Pierce.

  35. Trinket

    Uh, pretty sure everyone got electricity only when FDR created the Rural Electrification Act. The private power companies certainly weren't interested in wiring the sparsely populated areas of the country for not much profit.

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