A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Mitt Romney’s wife, Egg, had a dancey horse that was so good at prancing and mincing, it was going to prance and mince in the Olympics even! And because Mitt Romney does not know how to be a human husband, he was all, “That is Egg’s thing, I will not be watching.” And all of America slapped themselves in their faces with a tire iron, because dude, you not watching your wife’s horse dance in the Olympics is not going to distance you from the fact that you have a horse dancing in the Olympics, so why not say something only mildly assholish, like, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, yeah, what a dumb fucking sport, and one which many blue-collar white humans, whose votes I must attain, find eminently lame and which they mock. I sure will be watching it and cheering on my loving helpmeet.” Well, now Egg Romney is talking to all of America, from Tampa, tonight! And Mitt Romney will even be in town for it, to lend his support, instead of slapping his wife in the face with a tire iron! (This is BIG NEWS in these parts you guys, that Mitt Romney is coming to Tampa early, so: you know. Excitement?!) Mitt Romney, vote for him, as he is a human-style man!
Hopefully MacDinton’s, the bar where we will be having our Wonket Drinky Thing tonight, has televisions, otherwise we will not get to see Ann Romney “humanizing” her husband, presumably by being cunty to Michelle Obama (it is kind of her thing). But in either case Jim or someone will be liveblogging it for you, so do tune in! We will be drunk.
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Ah…our Ann is a cloned version of Nancy Reagen. Just cuntier if that is possible in this dimension.
Can you clone boned china?
Nancy Reagan had some moderate talents, acting and something involving removing chrome from a car bumper. Ann has made a career of having comfortable lifestyle provided by very wealthy men, first her father then her husband. As much as I dislike Nancy Reagan, I do have to say that she's much more admirable than is Ann.
We should give Nancy credit for writing Blowjobs for Dummies.
Oh, her do-it-yourself book for Hollywood stardom?
I think her Dating Guide may have been one of the funniest things I've ever read, ever. Seriously, if you're not doing something major right now, go to the link and read it:
http://www.bizbag.com/Nancy%20Reagan/Nancy%20Reag…
Thanks for the tip. She had me at
certain foreign powers would like nothing better than to see our country paralyzed and prostrated by a degenerate Supreme Court that sanctions petting sprees and free love as "freedom of choice" and “harmless kicks.”
I'll read the whole thing later, looks like a lot of giggles.
Worse than that; like Serpentor, Ann is cloned from multiple sources to create the ultimate in rich, entitled bitch, including Nancy, Imelda Marcos, Leona Helmsley, and Marie Antoinette.
And Callista Gingrich.
As far as I remember Nancy never acted like an entitled spoiled bitch. "You People". Really? She also seemed like a genuinely nice old lady. Like my grandma.
Oh that's right. I forgot Nancy was the original Hummer…
I just can't believe that Ann would stoop to talking to "us" people about anything….after all we are sooo beneath her and her prancing pony.
Barliman Butterbur libel!
The Republicans will get a huge outpouring of support when Ann Romney triumphantly (and therapeutically) rides her horse onto the convention center stage, shootin' her six-guns.
I seen that movie. Then Robert Redford disconnects the power cords and rides off into Rimrock Canyon, chased by intrepid reporter Jane Fonda, who wears boots from Bloomingburgers…
Still looking for a hooker who can suck the chrome off a bumper.
Suck start a Harley…
Suck a golf ball through a garden hose…
Suck parts of a man's brain out through his penis?
Sure, no, right, it was the alzheimers that did it. I have it wrong.
I heard that, after being blown by Nancy, you had to pull the sheets out of your ass.
Home boy prez, that lives large on the collection box get my bump. But he must not yelp for more scratch from my pocket green. The cracker who wants his spot promises loud and wild hip-hops next lay off, but this Friday nights party is all I can handle.
This is BIG NEWS in these parts you guys, that Mitt Romney is coming to Tampa early, so: you know. Excitement?!
The Mitt-mentum is just breathtaking!
*yawn*
A yawn is a breath!
I should have known you'd get it.
You know what the cloud cover up here in nothern Floida is?
Isaac haze.
I didn't see that one coming.
Neither did Condoleeza Rice.
NPR said this morning that 40% of all Americans have an unfavorable opinion of Romney. The GOP spin machine has more of an uphill battle than usual. Selling tax cuts for the rich is MUCH easier than making Mitt likable.
I've seen higher numbers than that. Closer to 50% in recent days.
Mittmentum – like Santorum but mintier
I will not be watching this shit either!!
I know, right? If there was something to laugh at, I might watch, but you know it is going to be some boring bullshit.
right phuquing on brother!!!
I am anxious to hear more about this topic.
I assume by the phrase "anxious to hear more," you actually mean "I'm out of Ambien®."
I assume by the phrase "I'm out of Ambien®", you actually mean "I'm out of bourbon® and cocaine®."
So he won't be strapping Anne to the roof for the ride down?
DON'T MAKE FUN OF ANN'S MS, LIE-BRUL!!!!21!!!!
If she says "YOU PEOPLE" enough times on camera, she'll be riding the luggage rack all the way back home.
So just like Hurricane Katrina and Bush, a big storm passes by and then a horse's ass comes into town.
Very good.
I'm waiting for Rafalca's speech on Wednesday.
Rafalca votes nay.
I got an advance copy:
Bad Horse, Bad Horse
Bad Horse, Bad Horse
He rides across the nation, the thoroughbred of sin
He got the application that you just sent in
It needs evaluation, so let the games begin
A heinous crime, a show of force
(a murder would be nice of course)
Bad Horse, Bad Horse
Bad Horse, he’s bad
The evil league of evil is watching so beware
The grade that you receive’ll be your last, we swear
So make the bad horse gleeful, or he’ll make you his mare
You’re saddled up; there’s no recourse
It’s “hi-yo, silver!”
Signed: Bad Horse.
"But with my freeze ray I will stop the world!"
Save us from the convention Dr. Horrible!
Well, at least we know who wears the mommy jeans in that family.
AOTK?
Yeah, Paul Ryan.
Unlike Michelle, Ann doesn't really care if the little people get fat and die young, as long as she doesn't have to contribute in any way to their upkeep.
Egg Romney. Beautiful!
She's the shell, Mitt's the shill.
Yolk's on us.
Her?
West Egg, of course, where you people do not live.
This is why I am in fucking love with Schoenkopf.
Save some of that liver for NYC, Editrix.
We need the bile!
I'm bringing my tire iron for her to autograph.
And by "tire iron," I mean my penis.
If Ann becomes first lady, I presume she will work relentlessly to insure that no horse in America goes to bed hungry.
Well, no dancing horse, anyway.
No dancing horse that placed 34th in the Olympics in London, you mean
The loser horses can be ground up for food for the poorz.
HAHAHA, only kidding!!
They get nothing!
34th place… that's like "runner up" in horsey spectacles, right?
Will she dead baptize my beloved childhood horsie, Scout?
And every single one of the 99% does.
Honestly, I would rather be strapped in a chair with my eyelids forced open, watching reruns of the Lawrence Welk Show than spend 3 seconds watching the Republican's Nationalist White People's Convention.
Actual CNN headline, right now: "At Convention, GOP Leaders Reflect Diversity". (By Bill Bennett) I cannot bring myself to read about how they have every variety of white Christian man.
The Rmoneylians have landed? Can La Boheme Rick Scottie, from his lair in Sassy Lassie Tallahassee, beam them to the heart of the Everglades? Oh, forgot that Scottie, unlike his predecessor, loves them too much and he will happily toss the rest of his crew under the bus for their favor.
"Sassy Lassie Tallahassee"
*puts Flamin' Groovies on CD player*
"Well, she comes from Tallahassee
She's got a hi-fi chassis
Maybe looks a little sassy
But to me she's real classy
Yeah, my Tallahassee Lassie
Down in F-L-A"
*dances like a fool all around living room*
The outfit she'll be wearing when she talks to "you people" will have cost about as much as your house and will be (per the GOP platform) the only topic on which republican women will be qualified and capable to form an opinion of their own. Fuck her and the horse she rode in on. Also.
If Ann Romney becomes First Lady, she will use her ovipositor to plant eggs in millions of Americans, for the larval Romneys to eat.
I note all the Romney spawn are male, marking them as worker drones. When will there be a new queen?
Tagg is kind of careening towards fabulous…
As soon as the Nostromo docks at the space station.
Nuke Tampa from orbit, it's the only way to be sure…
Who says she's not a jerb creator?
For her next trick, Ann Romney will humanize a toaster.
Already been done.
BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER LIBEL!
Just wait until the final episode when Mitt finds Ann at the Bluth family yacht sleeping with GOB.
her?
Or GWB.
"Heh heh heh. Oh, hey there, Mormon Popsicle. I know this looks bad, but y'see, Laura was 'having a visit from her aunt', if you know what I mean…"
Apparently the Mitt/Ann hybrid offspring can only reproduce by the slaughter of thousands if not millions of Gamete-Americans at the alter of SCIENCE.
Just wait'll Paul Ryan finds out that!
Of course, the mental image of one of the Romney boys making sexytime with a test tube while clutching the latest issue of BAYPOP is kinda hot.
It's all good. Ryan thinks turkey basting is just another manner of conception.
Ann Romney : Tell me again, Mitt. Tell me again about the White House….
Oh, the tire irony of it all!
I'm getting tired of the irony myself.
Her?
What the fuck's this about?
Ah, someone else who didn't watch Arrested Development
A reference to Ann on Arrested Development; which is what the Egg thing from the original post refers to too.
On Arrested Development, Ann is the teenaged girlfriend of "George Michael" (Michael Cera aka Dorky White Boy) that his father "Michael" (Jason Bateman) can't reconcile with his dreams for his son (she's not pretty enough/cool enough/skinny enough, etc), so he constantly forgets her name/acts like he's never met her and constantly questions her involvement in anything.
I'm sure there's like 14 levels of nuance I'm not including but I'm not part of the cult.
No wonder Mittens is so desperate; imagine him having to face Ann when he loses.
He's desperate to avoid having Egg on his face.
Ann's speech will be great, just oozing with privilege and contempt for all us non-rich Americans; she's even less likeable that her husband.
To show his common man touch, he's going to arrive in Tampa on his anti-gravity jet pack straight from New Orleans, where he's going to pick up 579 bags of begniers for his adoring campaign staff. And if they're wet from rain, it just makes them that much more delicious.
Smear them with peanut butter and only eat the tops.
They'll be delicious!
Great. My secret plan for my date Friday has been exposed.
Obama conspiracy to wreck the convention is exposed!!!
http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com
That clown again?
Sooo, remember when even just a couple of years ago, how the RNC was at least notionally distinct from CPAC?
I'm finding this year's Republican National Convention extremely difficult to fap to.
Perhaps this will help
all that fucking money, and they can't even go to Macy's and buy a $40 pair of khakis that fits.
Man, I have GOT to make it to the Wonket Drinky Thing in Philly.
Oh, please do; the more, the merrier. That week is while MissTaken will be visiting me out here too, so we should both be there.
And note to Editrix: try to avoid a place in Old City, where the bars are outrageously overpriced and tend to attract the kind of assholes who get obnoxious and try and start fights when drunk (at least that will be less of a problem on a Tuesday than the weekend). Best would be a place not too far from City Hall and Suburban Station, where every single train line for both the city and the 'burbs converge.
i think there's a chance she may suck.
or well, i am fervently hoping she will as i like to see rich indulged types fail at things.
You'd better hope that TV at McDintyMoore's is a Wide Screen because the coverage kicks off promptly at 10:00 PM with Chris Christie.
When he was elected as my governor I bought one of those Wide Screen TV's but it wasn't wide enough and he cracked the bezel along one side and the plasma started to leak out.
That silly prancin' horse is a bigtime LOSER, and Mitturd's Mormon-style shun was only necessary to get this election won. Williard is for Winners!
Oh, that's Willard and Ann Romney in that photo… for a moment, I was certain it was Bobby Ewing and his wife Pam horseback riding on Southfork.
It's going to be a shame if Ron Paul's supporters discover that Ann Romney's speaking slot at the RNC is taking away precious, precious time from the Good Doctor Paul's plans to address the nation.
Anyone who voluntarily watches Ann Romney's speech is so full of lacerating self hatred that he should be locked up for his own protection.
Rebecca: Nice to know you believe in designated bloggers.At least someone will be doing the responsible thing and not drinking and blogging.
Hmmm – who said Jim wouldn't be drinking?
I have a feeling that I will be inexplicably drawn to the TV tonight and won't be able to avert my eyes. Or maybe I'll just trim my toenails.
Mitt and Ann could get into dwarf-tossing or bear-baiting together, if they ever become olympic sports.
From her speech:
My fellow [rich] Americans, my name is Egg Romney, and I AM A WOMAN! (applause)
You may have heard some rumors that my husband, Willard, hates women (applause)
But this is simply not true! Mitt only wants what is best for me, and what is best for America!(applause)
Willard, and all of the other rich superstitious white men who control this party, they all know what is best for me, and what is best for all women(applause)
Willard has ALWAYS known that I was a woman, and he has NEVER failed to help me figure out what to do with my body! (applause)
Please, decent, white Christian ladies, do what is right, and do what you are told-vote for my husband, Willard Mitt Romney this November!(applause)
I hope the rain passes today so that instead of watching this horseshit I can take my bike out for a ride.
Isn't that a picture of Barbara Stanwyck and Richard Long in the "The Big Valley"?
Mitt: This POS horse just stopped short and crushed my nuts.
Mitt's horse: Hahaha
Egg: Hahaha
A last minute change will have Chris Christie riding onto the stage aboard Rafalca.
Rafalca will be staggering rather than dancing under that load
Wow, Willard hair doesn't muss when he's riding a horse on the top of a freakig mountain! That get's my vote!
Needz moar eagle biting Ann's tit.
Let the Eagle Gnawwwwww…….
Thomas Kinkade could have made an awe inspiring painting of that. What a shame.
Is this where she says "That would be in the butt, Bob"?
Sorry, can't watch Queen Ann; scheduled to run off a batch by hand tonight and one glance at her is like shooting a quart of Novocain into the head of my joint.
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