run husband.exe

Mitt Romney Actually Going To Be A Good Husband This Time

Nope, not the Reagans! They fooled you!A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Mitt Romney’s wife, Egg, had a dancey horse that was so good at prancing and mincing, it was going to prance and mince in the Olympics even! And because Mitt Romney does not know how to be a human husband, he was all, “That is Egg’s thing, I will not be watching.” And all of America slapped themselves in their faces with a tire iron, because dude, you not watching your wife’s horse dance in the Olympics is not going to distance you from the fact that you have a horse dancing in the Olympics, so why not say something only mildly assholish, like, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, yeah, what a dumb fucking sport, and one which many blue-collar white humans, whose votes I must attain, find eminently lame and which they mock. I sure will be watching it and cheering on my loving helpmeet.” Well, now Egg Romney is talking to all of America, from Tampa, tonight! And Mitt Romney will even be in town for it, to lend his support, instead of slapping his wife in the face with a tire iron! (This is BIG NEWS in these parts you guys, that Mitt Romney is coming to Tampa early, so: you know. Excitement?!) Mitt Romney, vote for him, as he is a human-style man!

Hopefully MacDinton’s, the bar where we will be having our Wonket Drinky Thing tonight, has televisions, otherwise we will not get to see Ann Romney “humanizing” her husband, presumably by being cunty to Michelle Obama (it is kind of her thing). But in either case Jim or someone will be liveblogging it for you, so do tune in! We will be drunk.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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125 comments

  1. DaSandman

    Ah…our Ann is a cloned version of Nancy Reagen. Just cuntier if that is possible in this dimension.

    1. Terry

      Nancy Reagan had some moderate talents, acting and something involving removing chrome from a car bumper. Ann has made a career of having comfortable lifestyle provided by very wealthy men, first her father then her husband. As much as I dislike Nancy Reagan, I do have to say that she's much more admirable than is Ann.

          1. eggsacklywright

            Thanks for the tip. She had me at

            certain foreign powers would like nothing better than to see our country paralyzed and prostrated by a degenerate Supreme Court that sanctions petting sprees and free love as "freedom of choice" and “harmless kicks.”

            I'll read the whole thing later, looks like a lot of giggles.

    2. SorosBot

      Worse than that; like Serpentor, Ann is cloned from multiple sources to create the ultimate in rich, entitled bitch, including Nancy, Imelda Marcos, Leona Helmsley, and Marie Antoinette.

    3. Dr_pangloss

      As far as I remember Nancy never acted like an entitled spoiled bitch. "You People". Really? She also seemed like a genuinely nice old lady. Like my grandma.

    4. hagajim

      I just can't believe that Ann would stoop to talking to "us" people about anything….after all we are sooo beneath her and her prancing pony.

  2. Come here a minute

    The Republicans will get a huge outpouring of support when Ann Romney triumphantly (and therapeutically) rides her horse onto the convention center stage, shootin' her six-guns.

    1. actor212

      I seen that movie. Then Robert Redford disconnects the power cords and rides off into Rimrock Canyon, chased by intrepid reporter Jane Fonda, who wears boots from Bloomingburgers…

      Still looking for a hooker who can suck the chrome off a bumper.

          1. Gleem McShineys

            Suck parts of a man's brain out through his penis?

            Sure, no, right, it was the alzheimers that did it. I have it wrong.

  3. polnick

    Home boy prez, that lives large on the collection box get my bump. But he must not yelp for more scratch from my pocket green. The cracker who wants his spot promises loud and wild hip-hops next lay off, but this Friday nights party is all I can handle.

  4. Oblios_Cap

    This is BIG NEWS in these parts you guys, that Mitt Romney is coming to Tampa early, so: you know. Excitement?!

    The Mitt-mentum is just breathtaking!

    *yawn*

      1. Oblios_Cap

        I should have known you'd get it.

        You know what the cloud cover up here in nothern Floida is?

        Isaac haze.

    1. Terry

      NPR said this morning that 40% of all Americans have an unfavorable opinion of Romney. The GOP spin machine has more of an uphill battle than usual. Selling tax cuts for the rich is MUCH easier than making Mitt likable.

    1. T3rbo

      I know, right? If there was something to laugh at, I might watch, but you know it is going to be some boring bullshit.

      1. AlterNewt

        I assume by the phrase "I'm out of Ambien®", you actually mean "I'm out of bourbon® and cocaine®."

    1. tessiee

      If she says "YOU PEOPLE" enough times on camera, she'll be riding the luggage rack all the way back home.

  5. memzilla

    So just like Hurricane Katrina and Bush, a big storm passes by and then a horse's ass comes into town.

    1. MacRaith

      I got an advance copy:

      Bad Horse, Bad Horse
      Bad Horse, Bad Horse
      He rides across the nation, the thoroughbred of sin
      He got the application that you just sent in
      It needs evaluation, so let the games begin
      A heinous crime, a show of force
      (a murder would be nice of course)

      Bad Horse, Bad Horse
      Bad Horse, he’s bad
      The evil league of evil is watching so beware
      The grade that you receive’ll be your last, we swear
      So make the bad horse gleeful, or he’ll make you his mare
      You’re saddled up; there’s no recourse
      It’s “hi-yo, silver!”
      Signed: Bad Horse.

      1. Caelan Aegana

        "But with my freeze ray I will stop the world!"

        Save us from the convention Dr. Horrible!

  6. Self-Uploader

    Unlike Michelle, Ann doesn't really care if the little people get fat and die young, as long as she doesn't have to contribute in any way to their upkeep.

        1. tessiee

          The loser horses can be ground up for food for the poorz.

          HAHAHA, only kidding!!
          They get nothing!

  7. johnnyzhivago

    Honestly, I would rather be strapped in a chair with my eyelids forced open, watching reruns of the Lawrence Welk Show than spend 3 seconds watching the Republican's Nationalist White People's Convention.

    1. shelwood46

      Actual CNN headline, right now: "At Convention, GOP Leaders Reflect Diversity". (By Bill Bennett) I cannot bring myself to read about how they have every variety of white Christian man.

  8. weejee

    The Rmoneylians have landed? Can La Boheme Rick Scottie, from his lair in Sassy Lassie Tallahassee, beam them to the heart of the Everglades? Oh, forgot that Scottie, unlike his predecessor, loves them too much and he will happily toss the rest of his crew under the bus for their favor.

    1. tessiee

      "Sassy Lassie Tallahassee"

      *puts Flamin' Groovies on CD player*

      "Well, she comes from Tallahassee
      She's got a hi-fi chassis
      Maybe looks a little sassy
      But to me she's real classy
      Yeah, my Tallahassee Lassie
      Down in F-L-A"

      *dances like a fool all around living room*

  9. PuckStopsHere

    The outfit she'll be wearing when she talks to "you people" will have cost about as much as your house and will be (per the GOP platform) the only topic on which republican women will be qualified and capable to form an opinion of their own. Fuck her and the horse she rode in on. Also.

  10. Boojum

    If Ann Romney becomes First Lady, she will use her ovipositor to plant eggs in millions of Americans, for the larval Romneys to eat.

    1. Guppy

      I note all the Romney spawn are male, marking them as worker drones. When will there be a new queen?

  11. BarackMyWorld

    Just wait until the final episode when Mitt finds Ann at the Bluth family yacht sleeping with GOB.

    1. tessiee

      Or GWB.

      "Heh heh heh. Oh, hey there, Mormon Popsicle. I know this looks bad, but y'see, Laura was 'having a visit from her aunt', if you know what I mean…"

  12. Misty Malarky

    Apparently the Mitt/Ann hybrid offspring can only reproduce by the slaughter of thousands if not millions of Gamete-Americans at the alter of SCIENCE.

    Just wait'll Paul Ryan finds out that!

    Of course, the mental image of one of the Romney boys making sexytime with a test tube while clutching the latest issue of BAYPOP is kinda hot.

      1. SorosBot

        A reference to Ann on Arrested Development; which is what the Egg thing from the original post refers to too.

      2. BerkeleyBear

        On Arrested Development, Ann is the teenaged girlfriend of "George Michael" (Michael Cera aka Dorky White Boy) that his father "Michael" (Jason Bateman) can't reconcile with his dreams for his son (she's not pretty enough/cool enough/skinny enough, etc), so he constantly forgets her name/acts like he's never met her and constantly questions her involvement in anything.

        I'm sure there's like 14 levels of nuance I'm not including but I'm not part of the cult.

  13. SorosBot

    Ann's speech will be great, just oozing with privilege and contempt for all us non-rich Americans; she's even less likeable that her husband.

  14. mrblifil

    To show his common man touch, he's going to arrive in Tampa on his anti-gravity jet pack straight from New Orleans, where he's going to pick up 579 bags of begniers for his adoring campaign staff. And if they're wet from rain, it just makes them that much more delicious.

  15. Incitefully_Joe

    Sooo, remember when even just a couple of years ago, how the RNC was at least notionally distinct from CPAC?

    I'm finding this year's Republican National Convention extremely difficult to fap to.

    1. SorosBot

      Oh, please do; the more, the merrier. That week is while MissTaken will be visiting me out here too, so we should both be there.

      And note to Editrix: try to avoid a place in Old City, where the bars are outrageously overpriced and tend to attract the kind of assholes who get obnoxious and try and start fights when drunk (at least that will be less of a problem on a Tuesday than the weekend). Best would be a place not too far from City Hall and Suburban Station, where every single train line for both the city and the 'burbs converge.

  16. fuflans

    i think there's a chance she may suck.

    or well, i am fervently hoping she will as i like to see rich indulged types fail at things.

  17. James Michael Curley

    You'd better hope that TV at McDintyMoore's is a Wide Screen because the coverage kicks off promptly at 10:00 PM with Chris Christie.

    When he was elected as my governor I bought one of those Wide Screen TV's but it wasn't wide enough and he cracked the bezel along one side and the plasma started to leak out.

  18. kittensdontlie

    That silly prancin' horse is a bigtime LOSER, and Mitturd's Mormon-style shun was only necessary to get this election won. Williard is for Winners!

  19. garryboldwater

    Oh, that's Willard and Ann Romney in that photo… for a moment, I was certain it was Bobby Ewing and his wife Pam horseback riding on Southfork.

  20. OneYieldRegular

    It's going to be a shame if Ron Paul's supporters discover that Ann Romney's speaking slot at the RNC is taking away precious, precious time from the Good Doctor Paul's plans to address the nation.

  21. LibertyLover

    Rebecca: Nice to know you believe in designated bloggers.At least someone will be doing the responsible thing and not drinking and blogging.

  22. LibertyLover

    I have a feeling that I will be inexplicably drawn to the TV tonight and won't be able to avert my eyes. Or maybe I'll just trim my toenails.

  23. Wadisay

    Mitt and Ann could get into dwarf-tossing or bear-baiting together, if they ever become olympic sports.

  24. T3rbo

    From her speech:

    My fellow [rich] Americans, my name is Egg Romney, and I AM A WOMAN! (applause)
    You may have heard some rumors that my husband, Willard, hates women (applause)
    But this is simply not true! Mitt only wants what is best for me, and what is best for America!(applause)
    Willard, and all of the other rich superstitious white men who control this party, they all know what is best for me, and what is best for all women(applause)
    Willard has ALWAYS known that I was a woman, and he has NEVER failed to help me figure out what to do with my body! (applause)
    Please, decent, white Christian ladies, do what is right, and do what you are told-vote for my husband, Willard Mitt Romney this November!(applause)

  25. Beowoof

    I hope the rain passes today so that instead of watching this horseshit I can take my bike out for a ride.

  26. ThundercatHo

    Mitt: This POS horse just stopped short and crushed my nuts.
    Mitt's horse: Hahaha
    Egg: Hahaha

  27. ottercliff

    Wow, Willard hair doesn't muss when he's riding a horse on the top of a freakig mountain! That get's my vote!

  28. ttommyunger

    Sorry, can't watch Queen Ann; scheduled to run off a batch by hand tonight and one glance at her is like shooting a quart of Novocain into the head of my joint.

Comments are closed.