RUN HUSBAND.EXE  9:00 am August 28, 2012

Mitt Romney Actually Going To Be A Good Husband This Time

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Nope, not the Reagans! They fooled you!A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Mitt Romney’s wife, Egg, had a dancey horse that was so good at prancing and mincing, it was going to prance and mince in the Olympics even! And because Mitt Romney does not know how to be a human husband, he was all, “That is Egg’s thing, I will not be watching.” And all of America slapped themselves in their faces with a tire iron, because dude, you not watching your wife’s horse dance in the Olympics is not going to distance you from the fact that you have a horse dancing in the Olympics, so why not say something only mildly assholish, like, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, yeah, what a dumb fucking sport, and one which many blue-collar white humans, whose votes I must attain, find eminently lame and which they mock. I sure will be watching it and cheering on my loving helpmeet.” Well, now Egg Romney is talking to all of America, from Tampa, tonight! And Mitt Romney will even be in town for it, to lend his support, instead of slapping his wife in the face with a tire iron! (This is BIG NEWS in these parts you guys, that Mitt Romney is coming to Tampa early, so: you know. Excitement?!) Mitt Romney, vote for him, as he is a human-style man!

Hopefully MacDinton’s, the bar where we will be having our Wonket Drinky Thing tonight, has televisions, otherwise we will not get to see Ann Romney “humanizing” her husband, presumably by being cunty to Michelle Obama (it is kind of her thing). But in either case Jim or someone will be liveblogging it for you, so do tune in! We will be drunk.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 125 comments }

DaSandman August 28, 2012 at 9:04 am

Ah…our Ann is a cloned version of Nancy Reagen. Just cuntier if that is possible in this dimension.

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 9:10 am

Can you clone boned china?

Terry August 28, 2012 at 9:15 am

Nancy Reagan had some moderate talents, acting and something involving removing chrome from a car bumper. Ann has made a career of having comfortable lifestyle provided by very wealthy men, first her father then her husband. As much as I dislike Nancy Reagan, I do have to say that she's much more admirable than is Ann.

eggsacklywright August 28, 2012 at 9:41 am

We should give Nancy credit for writing Blowjobs for Dummies.

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 9:49 am

Oh, her do-it-yourself book for Hollywood stardom?

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 12:05 pm

I think her Dating Guide may have been one of the funniest things I've ever read, ever. Seriously, if you're not doing something major right now, go to the link and read it:
http://www.bizbag.com/Nancy%20Reagan/Nancy%20Reag

eggsacklywright August 28, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Thanks for the tip. She had me at

certain foreign powers would like nothing better than to see our country paralyzed and prostrated by a degenerate Supreme Court that sanctions petting sprees and free love as "freedom of choice" and “harmless kicks.”

I'll read the whole thing later, looks like a lot of giggles.

SorosBot August 28, 2012 at 9:29 am

Worse than that; like Serpentor, Ann is cloned from multiple sources to create the ultimate in rich, entitled bitch, including Nancy, Imelda Marcos, Leona Helmsley, and Marie Antoinette.

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 1:03 pm

And Callista Gingrich.

Dr_pangloss August 28, 2012 at 9:45 am

As far as I remember Nancy never acted like an entitled spoiled bitch. "You People". Really? She also seemed like a genuinely nice old lady. Like my grandma.

DaSandman August 28, 2012 at 9:53 am

Oh that's right. I forgot Nancy was the original Hummer…

hagajim August 28, 2012 at 10:52 am

I just can't believe that Ann would stoop to talking to "us" people about anything….after all we are sooo beneath her and her prancing pony.

MosesInvests August 28, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Barliman Butterbur libel!

Come here a minute August 28, 2012 at 9:05 am

The Republicans will get a huge outpouring of support when Ann Romney triumphantly (and therapeutically) rides her horse onto the convention center stage, shootin' her six-guns.

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 9:11 am

I seen that movie. Then Robert Redford disconnects the power cords and rides off into Rimrock Canyon, chased by intrepid reporter Jane Fonda, who wears boots from Bloomingburgers…

Still looking for a hooker who can suck the chrome off a bumper.

thatsitfortheother1 August 28, 2012 at 10:01 am

Suck start a Harley…

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Suck a golf ball through a garden hose…

Gleem McShineys August 28, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Suck parts of a man's brain out through his penis?

Sure, no, right, it was the alzheimers that did it. I have it wrong.

YasserArraFeck August 28, 2012 at 1:20 pm

I heard that, after being blown by Nancy, you had to pull the sheets out of your ass.

polnick August 28, 2012 at 9:05 am

Home boy prez, that lives large on the collection box get my bump. But he must not yelp for more scratch from my pocket green. The cracker who wants his spot promises loud and wild hip-hops next lay off, but this Friday nights party is all I can handle.

Oblios_Cap August 28, 2012 at 9:05 am

This is BIG NEWS in these parts you guys, that Mitt Romney is coming to Tampa early, so: you know. Excitement?!

The Mitt-mentum is just breathtaking!

*yawn*

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 9:11 am

A yawn is a breath!

Oblios_Cap August 28, 2012 at 9:42 am

I should have known you'd get it.

You know what the cloud cover up here in nothern Floida is?

Isaac haze.

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 9:50 am

I didn't see that one coming.

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Neither did Condoleeza Rice.

Terry August 28, 2012 at 9:17 am

NPR said this morning that 40% of all Americans have an unfavorable opinion of Romney. The GOP spin machine has more of an uphill battle than usual. Selling tax cuts for the rich is MUCH easier than making Mitt likable.

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 9:42 am

I've seen higher numbers than that. Closer to 50% in recent days.

YasserArraFeck August 28, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Mittmentum – like Santorum but mintier

stopthemovie August 28, 2012 at 9:06 am

I will not be watching this shit either!!

T3rbo August 28, 2012 at 10:38 am

I know, right? If there was something to laugh at, I might watch, but you know it is going to be some boring bullshit.

mr bojangles August 28, 2012 at 3:56 pm

right phuquing on brother!!!

AlterNewt August 28, 2012 at 9:07 am

I am anxious to hear more about this topic.

memzilla August 28, 2012 at 9:10 am

I assume by the phrase "anxious to hear more," you actually mean "I'm out of Ambien®."

AlterNewt August 28, 2012 at 9:32 am

I assume by the phrase "I'm out of Ambien®", you actually mean "I'm out of bourbon® and cocaine®."

Serolf_Divad August 28, 2012 at 9:07 am

So he won't be strapping Anne to the roof for the ride down?

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 9:12 am

DON'T MAKE FUN OF ANN'S MS, LIE-BRUL!!!!21!!!!

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 12:10 pm

If she says "YOU PEOPLE" enough times on camera, she'll be riding the luggage rack all the way back home.

memzilla August 28, 2012 at 9:07 am

So just like Hurricane Katrina and Bush, a big storm passes by and then a horse's ass comes into town.

starfanglednut August 28, 2012 at 9:23 am

Very good.

johnnyzhivago August 28, 2012 at 9:07 am

I'm waiting for Rafalca's speech on Wednesday.

Boojum August 28, 2012 at 9:14 am

Rafalca votes nay.

MacRaith August 28, 2012 at 10:50 am

I got an advance copy:

Bad Horse, Bad Horse
Bad Horse, Bad Horse
He rides across the nation, the thoroughbred of sin
He got the application that you just sent in
It needs evaluation, so let the games begin
A heinous crime, a show of force
(a murder would be nice of course)

Bad Horse, Bad Horse
Bad Horse, he’s bad
The evil league of evil is watching so beware
The grade that you receive’ll be your last, we swear
So make the bad horse gleeful, or he’ll make you his mare
You’re saddled up; there’s no recourse
It’s “hi-yo, silver!”
Signed: Bad Horse.

Caelan Aegana August 28, 2012 at 1:16 pm

"But with my freeze ray I will stop the world!"

Save us from the convention Dr. Horrible!

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 9:08 am

Well, at least we know who wears the mommy jeans in that family.

Boojum August 28, 2012 at 9:14 am

AOTK?

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Yeah, Paul Ryan.

Self-Uploader August 28, 2012 at 9:08 am

Unlike Michelle, Ann doesn't really care if the little people get fat and die young, as long as she doesn't have to contribute in any way to their upkeep.

Estproph August 28, 2012 at 9:09 am

Egg Romney. Beautiful!

weejee August 28, 2012 at 9:19 am

She's the shell, Mitt's the shill.

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 9:42 am

Yolk's on us.

SorosBot August 28, 2012 at 9:30 am

Her?

eggsacklywright August 28, 2012 at 9:46 am

West Egg, of course, where you people do not live.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard August 28, 2012 at 10:04 am

This is why I am in fucking love with Schoenkopf.

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 9:10 am

Save some of that liver for NYC, Editrix.

deanbooth August 28, 2012 at 9:31 am

We need the bile!

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 9:46 am

I'm bringing my tire iron for her to autograph.

And by "tire iron," I mean my penis.

johnnyzhivago August 28, 2012 at 9:11 am

If Ann becomes first lady, I presume she will work relentlessly to insure that no horse in America goes to bed hungry.

Serolf_Divad August 28, 2012 at 9:13 am

Well, no dancing horse, anyway.

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 9:43 am

No dancing horse that placed 34th in the Olympics in London, you mean

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 12:12 pm

The loser horses can be ground up for food for the poorz.

HAHAHA, only kidding!!
They get nothing!

Serolf_Divad August 28, 2012 at 2:49 pm

34th place… that's like "runner up" in horsey spectacles, right?

rickmaci August 28, 2012 at 10:25 am

Will she dead baptize my beloved childhood horsie, Scout?

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 12:12 pm

And every single one of the 99% does.

johnnyzhivago August 28, 2012 at 9:15 am

Honestly, I would rather be strapped in a chair with my eyelids forced open, watching reruns of the Lawrence Welk Show than spend 3 seconds watching the Republican's Nationalist White People's Convention.

shelwood46 August 28, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Actual CNN headline, right now: "At Convention, GOP Leaders Reflect Diversity". (By Bill Bennett) I cannot bring myself to read about how they have every variety of white Christian man.

weejee August 28, 2012 at 9:15 am

The Rmoneylians have landed? Can La Boheme Rick Scottie, from his lair in Sassy Lassie Tallahassee, beam them to the heart of the Everglades? Oh, forgot that Scottie, unlike his predecessor, loves them too much and he will happily toss the rest of his crew under the bus for their favor.

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 12:16 pm

"Sassy Lassie Tallahassee"

*puts Flamin' Groovies on CD player*

"Well, she comes from Tallahassee
She's got a hi-fi chassis
Maybe looks a little sassy
But to me she's real classy
Yeah, my Tallahassee Lassie
Down in F-L-A"

*dances like a fool all around living room*

PuckStopsHere August 28, 2012 at 9:15 am

The outfit she'll be wearing when she talks to "you people" will have cost about as much as your house and will be (per the GOP platform) the only topic on which republican women will be qualified and capable to form an opinion of their own. Fuck her and the horse she rode in on. Also.

Boojum August 28, 2012 at 9:16 am

If Ann Romney becomes First Lady, she will use her ovipositor to plant eggs in millions of Americans, for the larval Romneys to eat.

Guppy August 28, 2012 at 9:33 am

I note all the Romney spawn are male, marking them as worker drones. When will there be a new queen?

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 9:43 am

Tagg is kind of careening towards fabulous…

eggsacklywright August 28, 2012 at 9:48 am

As soon as the Nostromo docks at the space station.

schvitzatura August 28, 2012 at 10:39 am

Nuke Tampa from orbit, it's the only way to be sure…

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Who says she's not a jerb creator?

randcoolcatdaddy August 28, 2012 at 9:19 am

For her next trick, Ann Romney will humanize a toaster.

sullivanst August 28, 2012 at 9:37 am
actor212 August 28, 2012 at 9:43 am

BRAVE LITTLE TOASTER LIBEL!

BarackMyWorld August 28, 2012 at 9:24 am

Just wait until the final episode when Mitt finds Ann at the Bluth family yacht sleeping with GOB.

Nibbler of Niblonia August 28, 2012 at 9:27 am

her?

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Or GWB.

"Heh heh heh. Oh, hey there, Mormon Popsicle. I know this looks bad, but y'see, Laura was 'having a visit from her aunt', if you know what I mean…"

Misty Malarky August 28, 2012 at 9:25 am

Apparently the Mitt/Ann hybrid offspring can only reproduce by the slaughter of thousands if not millions of Gamete-Americans at the alter of SCIENCE.

Just wait'll Paul Ryan finds out that!

Of course, the mental image of one of the Romney boys making sexytime with a test tube while clutching the latest issue of BAYPOP is kinda hot.

LibertyLover August 28, 2012 at 10:34 am

It's all good. Ryan thinks turkey basting is just another manner of conception.

arihaya August 28, 2012 at 9:26 am

Ann Romney : Tell me again, Mitt. Tell me again about the White House….

deanbooth August 28, 2012 at 9:28 am

Oh, the tire irony of it all!

Biel_ze_Bubba August 28, 2012 at 10:26 am

I'm getting tired of the irony myself.

ManchuCandidate August 28, 2012 at 9:29 am

Her?

Chet Kincaid_ August 28, 2012 at 9:39 am

What the fuck's this about?

sullivanst August 28, 2012 at 9:45 am

Ah, someone else who didn't watch Arrested Development

SorosBot August 28, 2012 at 9:50 am

A reference to Ann on Arrested Development; which is what the Egg thing from the original post refers to too.

BerkeleyBear August 28, 2012 at 11:44 am

On Arrested Development, Ann is the teenaged girlfriend of "George Michael" (Michael Cera aka Dorky White Boy) that his father "Michael" (Jason Bateman) can't reconcile with his dreams for his son (she's not pretty enough/cool enough/skinny enough, etc), so he constantly forgets her name/acts like he's never met her and constantly questions her involvement in anything.

I'm sure there's like 14 levels of nuance I'm not including but I'm not part of the cult.

TootsStansbury August 28, 2012 at 9:30 am

No wonder Mittens is so desperate; imagine him having to face Ann when he loses.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 28, 2012 at 10:25 am

He's desperate to avoid having Egg on his face.

SorosBot August 28, 2012 at 9:31 am

Ann's speech will be great, just oozing with privilege and contempt for all us non-rich Americans; she's even less likeable that her husband.

mrblifil August 28, 2012 at 9:34 am

To show his common man touch, he's going to arrive in Tampa on his anti-gravity jet pack straight from New Orleans, where he's going to pick up 579 bags of begniers for his adoring campaign staff. And if they're wet from rain, it just makes them that much more delicious.

Misty Malarky August 28, 2012 at 9:40 am

Smear them with peanut butter and only eat the tops.

They'll be delicious!

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 9:44 am

Great. My secret plan for my date Friday has been exposed.

johnnyzhivago August 28, 2012 at 9:34 am

Obama conspiracy to wreck the convention is exposed!!!
http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 9:44 am

That clown again?

Incitefully_Joe August 28, 2012 at 9:40 am

Sooo, remember when even just a couple of years ago, how the RNC was at least notionally distinct from CPAC?

I'm finding this year's Republican National Convention extremely difficult to fap to.

actor212 August 28, 2012 at 9:52 am
tessiee August 28, 2012 at 12:43 pm

all that fucking money, and they can't even go to Macy's and buy a $40 pair of khakis that fits.

lurker_above August 28, 2012 at 9:45 am

Man, I have GOT to make it to the Wonket Drinky Thing in Philly.

SorosBot August 28, 2012 at 9:56 am

Oh, please do; the more, the merrier. That week is while MissTaken will be visiting me out here too, so we should both be there.

And note to Editrix: try to avoid a place in Old City, where the bars are outrageously overpriced and tend to attract the kind of assholes who get obnoxious and try and start fights when drunk (at least that will be less of a problem on a Tuesday than the weekend). Best would be a place not too far from City Hall and Suburban Station, where every single train line for both the city and the 'burbs converge.

fuflans August 28, 2012 at 9:59 am

i think there's a chance she may suck.

or well, i am fervently hoping she will as i like to see rich indulged types fail at things.

James Michael Curley August 28, 2012 at 10:00 am

You'd better hope that TV at McDintyMoore's is a Wide Screen because the coverage kicks off promptly at 10:00 PM with Chris Christie.

When he was elected as my governor I bought one of those Wide Screen TV's but it wasn't wide enough and he cracked the bezel along one side and the plasma started to leak out.

kittensdontlie August 28, 2012 at 10:01 am

That silly prancin' horse is a bigtime LOSER, and Mitturd's Mormon-style shun was only necessary to get this election won. Williard is for Winners!

garryboldwater August 28, 2012 at 10:05 am

Oh, that's Willard and Ann Romney in that photo… for a moment, I was certain it was Bobby Ewing and his wife Pam horseback riding on Southfork.

OneYieldRegular August 28, 2012 at 10:13 am

It's going to be a shame if Ron Paul's supporters discover that Ann Romney's speaking slot at the RNC is taking away precious, precious time from the Good Doctor Paul's plans to address the nation.

Chow Yun Flat August 28, 2012 at 10:26 am

Anyone who voluntarily watches Ann Romney's speech is so full of lacerating self hatred that he should be locked up for his own protection.

LibertyLover August 28, 2012 at 10:29 am

Rebecca: Nice to know you believe in designated bloggers.At least someone will be doing the responsible thing and not drinking and blogging.

BerkeleyBear August 28, 2012 at 11:47 am

Hmmm – who said Jim wouldn't be drinking?

LibertyLover August 28, 2012 at 10:38 am

I have a feeling that I will be inexplicably drawn to the TV tonight and won't be able to avert my eyes. Or maybe I'll just trim my toenails.

Wadisay August 28, 2012 at 10:40 am

Mitt and Ann could get into dwarf-tossing or bear-baiting together, if they ever become olympic sports.

T3rbo August 28, 2012 at 10:44 am

From her speech:

My fellow [rich] Americans, my name is Egg Romney, and I AM A WOMAN! (applause)
You may have heard some rumors that my husband, Willard, hates women (applause)
But this is simply not true! Mitt only wants what is best for me, and what is best for America!(applause)
Willard, and all of the other rich superstitious white men who control this party, they all know what is best for me, and what is best for all women(applause)
Willard has ALWAYS known that I was a woman, and he has NEVER failed to help me figure out what to do with my body! (applause)
Please, decent, white Christian ladies, do what is right, and do what you are told-vote for my husband, Willard Mitt Romney this November!(applause)

Beowoof August 28, 2012 at 10:52 am

I hope the rain passes today so that instead of watching this horseshit I can take my bike out for a ride.

BZ1 August 28, 2012 at 11:03 am

Isn't that a picture of Barbara Stanwyck and Richard Long in the "The Big Valley"?

ThundercatHo August 28, 2012 at 11:23 am

Mitt: This POS horse just stopped short and crushed my nuts.
Mitt's horse: Hahaha
Egg: Hahaha

owhatever August 28, 2012 at 12:09 pm

A last minute change will have Chris Christie riding onto the stage aboard Rafalca.

YasserArraFeck August 28, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Rafalca will be staggering rather than dancing under that load

ottercliff August 28, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Wow, Willard hair doesn't muss when he's riding a horse on the top of a freakig mountain! That get's my vote!

tessiee August 28, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Needz moar eagle biting Ann's tit.

YasserArraFeck August 28, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Let the Eagle Gnawwwwww…….

AlterNewt August 28, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Thomas Kinkade could have made an awe inspiring painting of that. What a shame.

barto August 28, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Is this where she says "That would be in the butt, Bob"?

ttommyunger August 28, 2012 at 10:49 pm

Sorry, can't watch Queen Ann; scheduled to run off a batch by hand tonight and one glance at her is like shooting a quart of Novocain into the head of my joint.

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