not at our best

Tampa Republican Convention Day One: Fox & Friends’ Brian Kilmeade Is Going To Be Our (Forced) Lover

Oooh that smellTAMPA — Three glasses of a lovely New Zealand sauvignon blanc, one stone-cold $12 club sandwich, one missed opportunity for a picture with none other than walking date-rape wanted-poster Brian Kilmeade, who walking-wanted-postered in past us while we were out smoking, and our phone was plugged in back at the bar. There is nothing to report from Tampa. Not one fucking thing. Not a thing at all. Drunk-face emoticon!

We flew all night. For once, we actually look our age, and nobody evinces any shock at all about our almost-40-ness. And Tampa is a hot freaking mess right now, pouring rain, hot winds with a bizarre top-note of icy wind over it. What is that? We are from Los Angeles, where hot winds stay hot and cold winds stay cold. None of this wind-misgenation nonsense!

We left our $30 per night Airbnb room — lovely! So clean! And the lady, from the Caribbean, twisted our towels into swans! It’s in a black neighborhood, an hour by bus from the DMZ that is Tampa’s downtown, with squadrons of bike cops in cammies. We were going to take some Hot Cop pictures, but then none of them were hot. SAD FACE.

And so we have been at the Hyatt since 11 maybe? We have seen four people of color. Three of them were media. The credential of the fourth was turned around, so there is no way to ever know. We’d been invited to pop by the DNC’s war room, but were then summarily evicted when our inviter went MIA, and right across the street were electric sockets and liquor and very nice barkeeps. Did anything at all happen, besides our near miss with Brian Kilmeade? Let us answer that with this: if anything at all had happened today, in the first (but canceled) day of the RNC, we would not be forced to end this post with a Thomas Friedman’s Taxi-Man Experience.

Nick is from Palestine, and he spent the whole 20 minute ride from the airport yelling about how much he loves Barack Obama, and how Mitt Romney is a creep, and we are the wealthiest nation on earth and where the fuck is our Medicaid? And we yelled back at him — WE KNOW! MITT ROMNEY IS TERRIBLE! AND WE HAVE OBAMACARE NOW AND FUCK THEM! And he told us that he yelled at an RNC lady about how much he loves Barack Obama, and we asked if she tipped him, and she did not! But Nick did not care, he just wanted to yell at the lady, about Israel, and Mitt Romney, and how much he loves Barack Obama. Nick did not bow and scrape to that lady. Nick is a free man.

All right! Good post!

Eye-crease emoticon.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Arborista

    What beady, close-set eyes he has!

    • johnnymeatworth

      And what huge teeth!

      • Arborista

        It really did occur to me to wonder about how the Convention ends the day before the Full Moon…

        Cue piano intro from "Werewolves of London"…

        • johnnymeatworth

          "I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Hooters on 615 Channelside Drive in Tampa/His hair was perfect…."

          • MOG2410

            It just doesn't resonate. and his hair wouldn't be perfect. heh.

        • viennawoods13

          They'd like that stupid Kid Rock song that always sounds like it's going to be Werewolves when it starts. I fucking hate that Kid Rock song.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      What lovely silicone-enhanced cheekbones, covered with soft, supple and totally-not-wrinkled-because-it-hasn't-been-pulled-tight-by-a-surgeon-nuh-uh skin….

    • LibertyLover

      Has he visited the wizard yet to get his brain?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Oh please. He went straight to the lab to speak to Marty Feldman.

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      All the better to lie to you with, my dear.

  • bumfug

    Well, when it comes to Republicans, no news is good news…

    • kittensdontlie

      But if there is no news, the Wonkette team must make news! Raping (with votes) Brian K. would have been a good start.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Shame you didn't make it to the Focus on the Family event in time:

    …Rick Scarborough mourned the prominence of Lady Gaga, “the Big Bang Theory,” Jerry Seinfeld, and “Brokeback Mountain,” while Jim Garlow warned that Satan is pushing gay rights in order to “destroy the image of God” and curtail freedom.

    • MissTaken

      What do they have against the Big Bang Theory? Is it the 'science' thing? Because it can't be the sex thing. Unless you count knock knock knock Leonard knock knock knock Leonard knock knock knock Leonard.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Didn't one the leads totally out himself, tho?

        • MissTaken

          In real life, but on the show he's totally asexual.

          • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

            See, that's the thing – to the Tea Party Excess, fantasy and reality are interchangeable as needed.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            see: Tax cuts create jobs

        • finallyhappy

          SHELDON!!!!

      • Preferred Customer

        "Big Bang Theory" sounds way too sexual for FoF.

      • Respitetini

        It's because secretly, inside, in dark places they don't tell anyone about, they ship Raj/Howard just like everyone else.

      • BerkeleyBear

        It is the title thing, the title song thing, the admission of the existence of Caltech thing, the rational thought thing, the dismissal of religion thing, the embrace of evolution thing, the discussion of science fiction thing, the stressing of science thing, the embrace of nerds thing, the promiscuity thing (last time I checked none of them got married before doing it), the smart women who think for themselves can get a man and still have a career thing, the guy who plays Leonard coming out thing, and probably even the space/NASA thing (since that is putting man above God). Heck, they also probably hate that Chuck Lorre's involved – still mad at him for popularizing alternate faiths in "Dharma & Greg"; and resurrecting the career of anyone associated with Roseanne (who they consider a class traitor of the first rank) is always suspect.

        But other than that, nothing I can think of.

        • emmelemm

          Isn't it the guy who plays Sheldon who came out?

          (I don't actually watch the show, but…)

          • finallyhappy

            Yes, Sheldon came out in real life. Leonard – in real life- dated Penny- in real life for 3 years but they broke up in real life.. Howard and his wife(real life) just had a baby and Raj is married to a Miss India, Most of this I learned from Twitter or Yahoo entertainment

      • SorosBot

        Perhaps because the title refers to the proven scientific origin of our universe, 13.7 billion instead of six thousand years ago? And as much as I hate The Big Bang Theory, I can't support them in hating it for the wrong reason.

        I'm wandering why they hate Jerry Seinfeld, and can't think of anything besides being Jewish.

        • WIDTAP

          Not that there anything wrong with that.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      That's some lulz.

    • punkneverdies

      How come they always leave out Transformers?

      • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        Optimus Prime and Megatron are totally a couple!

        • elviouslyqueer

          In all the scenes featuring humans, the young boy looks suspiciously like Kirk Cameron. Is all I'm saying.

    • Steverino247

      These guys just drool over the power the Taliban has in Pakistan and Afghanistan. They would love to have the power to stone unbelievers, believe me.

      • Arborista

        And behead anyone having a good time?

      • Preferred Customer

        I once had a fairly lengthy dinner conversation, pre-9/11, with a right-wing Republican regarding the Taliban's destruction of the Buddha statues in Afghanistan. I expressed the fairly common sentiment that this was true barbarism, but he very passionately defended the right of the Taliban to rid their culture of what they saw as apostasy.

        I always wondered how his views evolved after 9/11; I never had the pleasure of seeing him again.

    • Preferred Customer

      I wonder if Rick Scarborough realizes that Lady Gaga is just Madonna, reincarnated. I personally feel that Lady Gaga demonstrates that our descent into moral degradation appears to have stalled in about 1988.

      • miss_grundy

        Whenever I read about another stunt that she pulled, I feel like telling the writer, please see Madonna's marketing strategy from the 80s and 90s.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Emoticons are peoplez also, too.

  • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

    Personally, I'm really surprised to see Fox News at the GOP Convention.

    • Beowoof

      Well I do believe they are running the show.

      • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

        Those two have to to be fucking!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Did you free Nick by giving him an article of clothing?

    Your bra would probably work best.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Well that would definitely free something(s).

  • Barbara_

    You haven't roofied Luke Russert yet? You aren't trying hard enough.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Luke's not as big a drunk as his dad was.

      • Beowoof

        Not that there is anything wrong with that.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Big shoes…..

      • KotBR

        He doesn't have the brain cells to spare.

    • hagajim

      One thing I don't understand…I didn't know you could will your job to someone.

    • SorosBot

      Just tell him he's so talented and totally was hired solely on his merits, that will get him straight into bed (and everyone else laughing at you).

  • gullywompr

    Welcome to Florida.

    • Arborista

      Where's the winds are hot, but the bike cops are not…

    • Negropolis

      Florida: Where America goes to die.

  • emmelemm

    Nick is my hero of the day.

    • Arborista

      I hope Nick survives the Convention.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I know. It worries me a bit too.

      • emmelemm

        That's why he's my hero.

  • SorosBot

    Who had the bright idea to hold the convention in Florida during hurricane season, anyway?

    • metamarcisf

      The alternative was Buffalo in January

      • Beowoof

        Having lived in both, Buffalo would be my choice. Great wings, good beer, and always good weather for snuggling under the covers with someone special.

    • finallyhappy

      Michael Steele- and that is why he was not invited- couldn't be the blah thing, I guess

  • ChernobylSoup

    Put on a nun's habit just to see what happens.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      "K-Lo? Didn't I leave you in the dungeon?"

    • elviouslyqueer

      Add a strap-on to that get-up and voila! Instant Rick Santorum costume.

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. You must be cautious.

    • emmelemm

      Let's just say you wouldn't find me drinking 3 glasses of Sauvignon Blanc at a party of Republicans. Rapey rape rape ahoy!

      • Preferred Customer

        Maybe three mini-bottles, so long as I chugged each all in one gulp and broke the seal on each one personally.

    • Negropolis

      These are not the Republicans you are looking for…

  • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

    That's not a dude, that's that new Muppet, RoofieBear.

  • Antispandex

    "We flew all night. For once, we actually look our age, and nobody evinces any shock at all about our almost-40-ness. "

    In Florida, 40 is the new 20. In no time at all you should be dripping in 70 year old sugar daddies…or, you know, with the weather there, just dripping. Enjoy!

    • SorosBot

      Considering that the average age in Florida is eligible for Social Security and Medicare, Rebecca should still look very young by comparison.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Wonder if Brian was looking for hookers or blow?

    • hagajim

      (Male) hookers to blow.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    I always thought his last name should be Kildate or Kilwoman.

  • marconidarwin

    Have you checked the gay bath-houses? Them places are free with an RNC delegate card, and almost certainly where the action is.

    • LibertyLover

      There and airport restrooms.

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    Is there an award for "Most Punchable Face in Cable News"?

    • Lazy Media

      They retired it after Kilmeade won it five times straight Keith Olbermann made a run at it a couple times, but he's only punchable when he's on a particularly sanctimonious rant, or when he's doing some off-camera assholery involving his personal fraidy-cattedness.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Olbermann…who did he used to be?

        • BerkeleyBear

          Some kinda sports guy, wasn't he? Him and that annoying Dan Patrick dude who later had a sex change and became a race car driver?

    • Schmannnity

      It's called the Tucker Carlson Cup.

      • Angry_Marmot

        Double chins, one cup.

    • Negropolis

      I think Lou Dobbs is at least an honorable mention, mostly because there is so much fucking surface area to choose from.

  • BerkeleyBear

    Dear Editrix, be sure to tell all the drunk/hungover RNC types that Mitt is the asshole buddy of theirs who won't drink and smirks all the time because he was busy shaving eyebrows and drawing dicks on faces last night while they were passed out. From what I know of conventions, that makes him part of the oddball contingent that would ordinarily be shunned. Who knows – enough tequila shooters and they might decide to just say fuck it and nominate Ron Paul.

    This cannot be stressed enough – he is a weird, asshole jerk. How the fuck can you trust a guy in his 60s who has never been drunk at least once? While I was skeptical of Bush's claims of detox, at least he never claimed to be so sanctimonious that he'd never even been tempted. That smacks of fanaticism, or at least pathology.

  • sbj1964

    Mitt is nothing more than Obama light.He has held the same positions at one time ,or another.Until the GOP told him what he really thinks?He is so fake.Rombama care?

  • b[redact]opple

    Nick sounds awesome. How about a guest post?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      It does sound like we'd need to disable his caps lock though.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      No texting and driving!

  • JustPixelz

    Sooo … Florida's penis shape is ironic.

    As for not tipping the cab driver, that is 100% in line for GO-Pee doctrine. It's their hard earned job-creating, tax subsidized money. They gotta keep it outta the hands of people who might spend it. No hand out, no hand up … they're all pretty much "talk to the hand".

  • hagajim

    I fully expect a better rent-boy report tomorrow…after you sleuth tonight.

  • Callyson

    The credential of the fourth was turned around, so there is no way to ever know.

    Shhh…that's a top secret operative. I've already said too much.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    "And the lady, from the Caribbean, twisted our towels into swans! "

    Not to sound racist, but do check to make sure those were not real swans.

  • Lazy Media

    Hey, Rebecca, shoot me an e-mail. I'm on my netbook, which doesn't have your e-mail in it, and I was wantin' to write somethin'. I sent something lame to tips@wonkette.com, but I figure you're too busy to look at that.

  • Exhausted66

    Wonkette convention posts: Now with only slightly more substance than actual convention!

    • MOG2410

      And less fat!!!

  • Baconzgood

    Nick? I doubt that was his real name.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      It's probably something like Najib, but here in 'Merka, you're discouraged from using your ethnic given name lest it make some real 'Merkin idiot douchebag uncomfortable—especially if you're an A-rab.

      • MosesInvests

        Actually, could very well have been Nick (Nicholas). A lot of Palestinian emigres are Christian-Hamas and Islamic Jihad are scaring the hell out of them.

  • Baconzgood

    "For once, we actually look our age, and nobody evinces any shock at all about our almost-40-ness."

    They call those MILFS Rebecca. And they rock. Sexy and they aren't afraid to tell you, nay order you, how to give them pleasure.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      In parts of Florida, 40 is GILFing already.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      What if you don't have any kids? Can you still be a MILF? (I'm going to be 40 next week and I don't have any children, so I was just wonderin').

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        We'll need nakes to pass judgement. It's not the "M" that matters, it's the "ILF" bit.

        You already have a leg up (photo hint): you post here, which automatically makes you teh sexay.

      • BerkeleyBear

        That is why cougar took over – less hung up on the motherhood, more clearly about a certain level of experience.

        Because there are 16 yr olds who are moms, but they should never get lumped in with the original MILF idea, which was which of a teenaged boy's friends' moms he'd like to usher him into manhood.

  • Beowoof

    Somehow I expect many bars in Tampa will look like the Mos Isely Cantina by the end of each evening the republicans are in town.

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Most frequently overheard statement (pretty much a mantra, actually): "Hey! We don't serve their kind here!"

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Is Mos Isley the one with the silky smooth ballad voice, the gruff-voiced funk growler, or the bandana-wearing Hendrix imitator? Sorry, wrong pop-culture reference.

    • Negropolis

      And, the Mos Isely catina had it's own Stand Your Ground law, too.

  • ChrisM2011

    Fifty shades of ew.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Possible Friedman-like books……
    The World is Hot, Sweaty and Drunk
    The Python and the Editrix
    Longdudes with Attitudes

  • punkneverdies

    How come Nick didn't go on MSNBC and whine relentlessly about how that republican lady should have sat there and listened to all of his ranting and still should have tipped because freedom?

  • Callyson

    Wait–are these really the results of the poll on the right hand side of this article?

    How closely are you following coverage of the 2012 Republican National Convention?
    16% Very closely
    23% Somewhat closely
    61% Not closely at all

    But think of all the snarking you can do and the drinking games you can have!

    • Baconzgood

      I don't need no stinking games to get shit faced. Getting plowed is a serious matter.

    • Arborista

      I'm waiting for the Convention to start before I begin to not follow the coverage.

    • Rotundo_

      If you have a fondness for sausage, or respect for the law, you should never witness either being created. Political conventions are the equivalent of a goof reel of a slaughterhouse in terms of entertainment and enlightenment.

  • Baconzgood

    I pray that you tossed the butt at him.

  • mavenmaven

    Brian will look better in an hour or so after he changes into his own Super Hero latex outfit.

  • iamrrm

    I pay the outrageous Wonkette subscription fee for this kind of reporting? (Also, why do I have to pay again for the Kindle version?)

    • Angry_Marmot

      When the uh, Wonkette representative was on the phone, you gave them your credit card number, didn't you honey?

      • iamrrm

        At first it was a school kid selling subscriptions at the door, then they start auto-renewing your ass and your stuck subscribing for life.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Believe me Becca, you'd be posting throw- up-in-your-own-lap emoticons already, if the convention had started on time.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    When Liberace was older, he had had so many facelifts that his eyes literally would not shut and he had to put eyedrops in them every few hours, even at night, so they didn't dry out. Brian Kilmeade looks like that's happening to his mouth too — does he always look like a local newscaster introducing a story about a dog that dialed 911 when its owner fell down the stairs?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Becca, any chance you and Ginger Jim can sneak into to balloon bomb bay over at the hall and replace the balloons with ginormous Cheetos™?

  • Calapine

    I bet 10$ (which I don't have) that when the convention ends the Wonkette team hotel room looks like the set of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

    • James Michael Curley

      At $36 a night in the Tampa area it probably looked like that when she checked in.

      • kittensdontlie

        Ten thousand says that post-convention Wonkette team looks worse than their hotel room(just kidding!).

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Hey, Editrix? Any word yet on who's throwing out the first epithet? I've got a side bet in Vegas, but I can still change it.

  • ingloriousbytch

    Take a cue from the magic vaginas and "just shut that whole thing down."

  • bibliotequetress

    Kinda hoping the the storm hitting Tampa now is a biblical act of God to drown all of the Republicans & purify the world. So, editrix, please empty your minibar, grab a floatation device ( Brian Kilmeade comes to mind) and a white dove and prepare for Jeebus' wrath.

  • iamrrm

    Please Jesus, Mary, Joseph and all the saints let Nick the Palestinian Taxi-Man pick up crazy Victoria Jackson, and God, I know I don't believe in you, but if you are real will you please have crazy Vicky YouTube her cab ride with Sainted Nick? Thank you and amen.

    Ps. If that's all too much to ask (though I never ask you for any other damned thing) could Nick just run up on the sidewalk a little and clip Victoria with his bumper inadvertently pushing her in front of some Republican's speeding automobile? XO

    • Rotundo_

      It's Victoria Jackson we're talking about here, why risk a stain on your cab? If it were Nugent, it might be worth a dent, and if it were Limbaugh it might be worth a front clip, but Victoria Jackson isn't worth farting in the general direction of: Save it for the elevator with Newt or Kilmeade or some other more deserving person. Victoria is just stupid and confused not truly malevolent

      • iamrrm

        True. There are far more worthy manslaughter candidates in Tampa right now but Victori-uh was conveniently hanging on the street corners. Might as well pick her off on the way.

  • barto

    Good thing Tom didn't get that cabbie or he would have twisted it into another column about needing a third party cab company, or something.

  • pdiddycornchips

    'Becca is at least doing what every good reporter has done since they began having these conventions in the back of covered wagons. She's getting drunk and planning sex-capades. CNN and MSNBC have unleashed their talking bobbleheads with scripts and whatnot. It's so fucking boring.

    A quick word about Mr. Kilmeade. You may want to target someone else. I don't think he hits both ways and we all know which way he's most comfortable hitting.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    God's plan is to shrink this Republican Convention down until it's small enough to drown in a bathtub. God just thinks he's Grover Norquist.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    See, this "Nick" is like the Nail Lady — you know, those who don't have the proper education to vote.

  • An_Outhouse

    Take some pictures of the lizards.

    • miss_grundy

      Capture some palmetto bugs and unleash them on Republicans, like in an elevator, or a bathroom stall. Those things are huge and they can fly!

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Don't badmouth miscegenation, Rebecca. It is what has made this country the glorious melting pot it is, a thought that puts all those RNC folks surrounding you into a frothing rage. Which is always fun.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Hey Editrix, here's an Adventure Tip: If Chris Christie starts rolling down a narrow hallway toward you, just jump on top of him and start running in the opposite direction, log-roll style. You'll be a'ight.

    • James Michael Curley

      Time to recount again the time I saw him having to squeeze his way out of a Cadillac Escalade. SchllluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuulPPP!

  • savethispatient

    Today, we are all Nick.

  • DahBoner

    See?

    I predicted this CONvention would be your Swan Towel…

  • http://howtosavetheworld.ca/ BZ1

    Who holds a convention in a hurricane-prone place?

    • Angry_Marmot

      Buzzards?

  • Barrelhse

    What do you smoke?

  • rocktonsam

    most punchable face ever

  • Limeylizzie

    Show Nick your tits, he deserves that much, at least.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    i will be staging your encounter with nick from palastine for my next audition.

    delicious.

  • avrynicebarkeep

    I would have had that sandwich heated up for ya dontcha know! ;)

  • blatherous

    How Rude!

    Oh, wait…

  • ttommyunger

    First Victoria Jackson, now Brian. Looks like we've got the "I think I'm pretty cute, but I honestly don't have a clue" ground covered.