not at our best

Tampa Republican Convention Day One: Fox & Friends’ Brian Kilmeade Is Going To Be Our (Forced) Lover

Oooh that smellTAMPA — Three glasses of a lovely New Zealand sauvignon blanc, one stone-cold $12 club sandwich, one missed opportunity for a picture with none other than walking date-rape wanted-poster Brian Kilmeade, who walking-wanted-postered in past us while we were out smoking, and our phone was plugged in back at the bar. There is nothing to report from Tampa. Not one fucking thing. Not a thing at all. Drunk-face emoticon!

We flew all night. For once, we actually look our age, and nobody evinces any shock at all about our almost-40-ness. And Tampa is a hot freaking mess right now, pouring rain, hot winds with a bizarre top-note of icy wind over it. What is that? We are from Los Angeles, where hot winds stay hot and cold winds stay cold. None of this wind-misgenation nonsense!

We left our $30 per night Airbnb room — lovely! So clean! And the lady, from the Caribbean, twisted our towels into swans! It’s in a black neighborhood, an hour by bus from the DMZ that is Tampa’s downtown, with squadrons of bike cops in cammies. We were going to take some Hot Cop pictures, but then none of them were hot. SAD FACE.

And so we have been at the Hyatt since 11 maybe? We have seen four people of color. Three of them were media. The credential of the fourth was turned around, so there is no way to ever know. We’d been invited to pop by the DNC’s war room, but were then summarily evicted when our inviter went MIA, and right across the street were electric sockets and liquor and very nice barkeeps. Did anything at all happen, besides our near miss with Brian Kilmeade? Let us answer that with this: if anything at all had happened today, in the first (but canceled) day of the RNC, we would not be forced to end this post with a Thomas Friedman’s Taxi-Man Experience.

Nick is from Palestine, and he spent the whole 20 minute ride from the airport yelling about how much he loves Barack Obama, and how Mitt Romney is a creep, and we are the wealthiest nation on earth and where the fuck is our Medicaid? And we yelled back at him — WE KNOW! MITT ROMNEY IS TERRIBLE! AND WE HAVE OBAMACARE NOW AND FUCK THEM! And he told us that he yelled at an RNC lady about how much he loves Barack Obama, and we asked if she tipped him, and she did not! But Nick did not care, he just wanted to yell at the lady, about Israel, and Mitt Romney, and how much he loves Barack Obama. Nick did not bow and scrape to that lady. Nick is a free man.

All right! Good post!

Eye-crease emoticon.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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      1. Arborista

        It really did occur to me to wonder about how the Convention ends the day before the Full Moon…

        Cue piano intro from "Werewolves of London"…

        1. johnnymeatworth

          "I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Hooters on 615 Channelside Drive in Tampa/His hair was perfect…."

        2. viennawoods13

          They'd like that stupid Kid Rock song that always sounds like it's going to be Werewolves when it starts. I fucking hate that Kid Rock song.

    1. actor212

      What lovely silicone-enhanced cheekbones, covered with soft, supple and totally-not-wrinkled-because-it-hasn't-been-pulled-tight-by-a-surgeon-nuh-uh skin….

    1. kittensdontlie

      But if there is no news, the Wonkette team must make news! Raping (with votes) Brian K. would have been a good start.

  1. ChernobylSoup

    Shame you didn't make it to the Focus on the Family event in time:

    …Rick Scarborough mourned the prominence of Lady Gaga, “the Big Bang Theory,” Jerry Seinfeld, and “Brokeback Mountain,” while Jim Garlow warned that Satan is pushing gay rights in order to “destroy the image of God” and curtail freedom.

    1. MissTaken

      What do they have against the Big Bang Theory? Is it the 'science' thing? Because it can't be the sex thing. Unless you count knock knock knock Leonard knock knock knock Leonard knock knock knock Leonard.

      1. Respitetini

        It's because secretly, inside, in dark places they don't tell anyone about, they ship Raj/Howard just like everyone else.

      2. BerkeleyBear

        It is the title thing, the title song thing, the admission of the existence of Caltech thing, the rational thought thing, the dismissal of religion thing, the embrace of evolution thing, the discussion of science fiction thing, the stressing of science thing, the embrace of nerds thing, the promiscuity thing (last time I checked none of them got married before doing it), the smart women who think for themselves can get a man and still have a career thing, the guy who plays Leonard coming out thing, and probably even the space/NASA thing (since that is putting man above God). Heck, they also probably hate that Chuck Lorre's involved – still mad at him for popularizing alternate faiths in "Dharma & Greg"; and resurrecting the career of anyone associated with Roseanne (who they consider a class traitor of the first rank) is always suspect.

        But other than that, nothing I can think of.

          1. finallyhappy

            Yes, Sheldon came out in real life. Leonard – in real life- dated Penny- in real life for 3 years but they broke up in real life.. Howard and his wife(real life) just had a baby and Raj is married to a Miss India, Most of this I learned from Twitter or Yahoo entertainment

      3. SorosBot

        Perhaps because the title refers to the proven scientific origin of our universe, 13.7 billion instead of six thousand years ago? And as much as I hate The Big Bang Theory, I can't support them in hating it for the wrong reason.

        I'm wandering why they hate Jerry Seinfeld, and can't think of anything besides being Jewish.

        1. elviouslyqueer

          In all the scenes featuring humans, the young boy looks suspiciously like Kirk Cameron. Is all I'm saying.

    2. Steverino247

      These guys just drool over the power the Taliban has in Pakistan and Afghanistan. They would love to have the power to stone unbelievers, believe me.

      1. Preferred Customer

        I once had a fairly lengthy dinner conversation, pre-9/11, with a right-wing Republican regarding the Taliban's destruction of the Buddha statues in Afghanistan. I expressed the fairly common sentiment that this was true barbarism, but he very passionately defended the right of the Taliban to rid their culture of what they saw as apostasy.

        I always wondered how his views evolved after 9/11; I never had the pleasure of seeing him again.

    3. Preferred Customer

      I wonder if Rick Scarborough realizes that Lady Gaga is just Madonna, reincarnated. I personally feel that Lady Gaga demonstrates that our descent into moral degradation appears to have stalled in about 1988.

      1. miss_grundy

        Whenever I read about another stunt that she pulled, I feel like telling the writer, please see Madonna's marketing strategy from the 80s and 90s.

    1. SorosBot

      Just tell him he's so talented and totally was hired solely on his merits, that will get him straight into bed (and everyone else laughing at you).

      1. Beowoof

        Having lived in both, Buffalo would be my choice. Great wings, good beer, and always good weather for snuggling under the covers with someone special.

    1. emmelemm

      Let's just say you wouldn't find me drinking 3 glasses of Sauvignon Blanc at a party of Republicans. Rapey rape rape ahoy!

      1. Preferred Customer

        Maybe three mini-bottles, so long as I chugged each all in one gulp and broke the seal on each one personally.

  2. Antispandex

    "We flew all night. For once, we actually look our age, and nobody evinces any shock at all about our almost-40-ness. "

    In Florida, 40 is the new 20. In no time at all you should be dripping in 70 year old sugar daddies…or, you know, with the weather there, just dripping. Enjoy!

    1. SorosBot

      Considering that the average age in Florida is eligible for Social Security and Medicare, Rebecca should still look very young by comparison.

  3. marconidarwin

    Have you checked the gay bath-houses? Them places are free with an RNC delegate card, and almost certainly where the action is.

    1. Lazy Media

      They retired it after Kilmeade won it five times straight Keith Olbermann made a run at it a couple times, but he's only punchable when he's on a particularly sanctimonious rant, or when he's doing some off-camera assholery involving his personal fraidy-cattedness.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          Some kinda sports guy, wasn't he? Him and that annoying Dan Patrick dude who later had a sex change and became a race car driver?

    2. Negropolis

      I think Lou Dobbs is at least an honorable mention, mostly because there is so much fucking surface area to choose from.

  4. BerkeleyBear

    Dear Editrix, be sure to tell all the drunk/hungover RNC types that Mitt is the asshole buddy of theirs who won't drink and smirks all the time because he was busy shaving eyebrows and drawing dicks on faces last night while they were passed out. From what I know of conventions, that makes him part of the oddball contingent that would ordinarily be shunned. Who knows – enough tequila shooters and they might decide to just say fuck it and nominate Ron Paul.

    This cannot be stressed enough – he is a weird, asshole jerk. How the fuck can you trust a guy in his 60s who has never been drunk at least once? While I was skeptical of Bush's claims of detox, at least he never claimed to be so sanctimonious that he'd never even been tempted. That smacks of fanaticism, or at least pathology.

  5. sbj1964

    Mitt is nothing more than Obama light.He has held the same positions at one time ,or another.Until the GOP told him what he really thinks?He is so fake.Rombama care?

  6. JustPixelz

    Sooo … Florida's penis shape is ironic.

    As for not tipping the cab driver, that is 100% in line for GO-Pee doctrine. It's their hard earned job-creating, tax subsidized money. They gotta keep it outta the hands of people who might spend it. No hand out, no hand up … they're all pretty much "talk to the hand".

  7. Callyson

    The credential of the fourth was turned around, so there is no way to ever know.

    Shhh…that's a top secret operative. I've already said too much.

  8. Jus_Wonderin

    "And the lady, from the Caribbean, twisted our towels into swans! "

    Not to sound racist, but do check to make sure those were not real swans.

  9. Lazy Media

    Hey, Rebecca, shoot me an e-mail. I'm on my netbook, which doesn't have your e-mail in it, and I was wantin' to write somethin'. I sent something lame to, but I figure you're too busy to look at that.

    1. smokefilledroommate

      It's probably something like Najib, but here in 'Merka, you're discouraged from using your ethnic given name lest it make some real 'Merkin idiot douchebag uncomfortable—especially if you're an A-rab.

      1. MosesInvests

        Actually, could very well have been Nick (Nicholas). A lot of Palestinian emigres are Christian-Hamas and Islamic Jihad are scaring the hell out of them.

  10. Baconzgood

    "For once, we actually look our age, and nobody evinces any shock at all about our almost-40-ness."

    They call those MILFS Rebecca. And they rock. Sexy and they aren't afraid to tell you, nay order you, how to give them pleasure.

      1. actor212

        We'll need nakes to pass judgement. It's not the "M" that matters, it's the "ILF" bit.

        You already have a leg up (photo hint): you post here, which automatically makes you teh sexay.

      2. BerkeleyBear

        That is why cougar took over – less hung up on the motherhood, more clearly about a certain level of experience.

        Because there are 16 yr olds who are moms, but they should never get lumped in with the original MILF idea, which was which of a teenaged boy's friends' moms he'd like to usher him into manhood.

  11. Beowoof

    Somehow I expect many bars in Tampa will look like the Mos Isely Cantina by the end of each evening the republicans are in town.

    1. Chet Kincaid_

      Is Mos Isley the one with the silky smooth ballad voice, the gruff-voiced funk growler, or the bandana-wearing Hendrix imitator? Sorry, wrong pop-culture reference.

  12. Blueb4sinrise

    Possible Friedman-like books……
    The World is Hot, Sweaty and Drunk
    The Python and the Editrix
    Longdudes with Attitudes

  13. punkneverdies

    How come Nick didn't go on MSNBC and whine relentlessly about how that republican lady should have sat there and listened to all of his ranting and still should have tipped because freedom?

  14. Callyson

    Wait–are these really the results of the poll on the right hand side of this article?

    How closely are you following coverage of the 2012 Republican National Convention?
    16% Very closely
    23% Somewhat closely
    61% Not closely at all

    But think of all the snarking you can do and the drinking games you can have!

    1. Rotundo_

      If you have a fondness for sausage, or respect for the law, you should never witness either being created. Political conventions are the equivalent of a goof reel of a slaughterhouse in terms of entertainment and enlightenment.

  15. mavenmaven

    Brian will look better in an hour or so after he changes into his own Super Hero latex outfit.

  16. iamrrm

    I pay the outrageous Wonkette subscription fee for this kind of reporting? (Also, why do I have to pay again for the Kindle version?)

    1. Angry_Marmot

      When the uh, Wonkette representative was on the phone, you gave them your credit card number, didn't you honey?

      1. iamrrm

        At first it was a school kid selling subscriptions at the door, then they start auto-renewing your ass and your stuck subscribing for life.

  17. fawkedifiknow

    Believe me Becca, you'd be posting throw- up-in-your-own-lap emoticons already, if the convention had started on time.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    When Liberace was older, he had had so many facelifts that his eyes literally would not shut and he had to put eyedrops in them every few hours, even at night, so they didn't dry out. Brian Kilmeade looks like that's happening to his mouth too — does he always look like a local newscaster introducing a story about a dog that dialed 911 when its owner fell down the stairs?

  19. weejee

    Becca, any chance you and Ginger Jim can sneak into to balloon bomb bay over at the hall and replace the balloons with ginormous Cheetos™?

  20. Calapine

    I bet 10$ (which I don't have) that when the convention ends the Wonkette team hotel room looks like the set of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

    1. James Michael Curley

      At $36 a night in the Tampa area it probably looked like that when she checked in.

      1. kittensdontlie

        Ten thousand says that post-convention Wonkette team looks worse than their hotel room(just kidding!).

  21. bibliotequetress

    Kinda hoping the the storm hitting Tampa now is a biblical act of God to drown all of the Republicans & purify the world. So, editrix, please empty your minibar, grab a floatation device ( Brian Kilmeade comes to mind) and a white dove and prepare for Jeebus' wrath.

  22. iamrrm

    Please Jesus, Mary, Joseph and all the saints let Nick the Palestinian Taxi-Man pick up crazy Victoria Jackson, and God, I know I don't believe in you, but if you are real will you please have crazy Vicky YouTube her cab ride with Sainted Nick? Thank you and amen.

    Ps. If that's all too much to ask (though I never ask you for any other damned thing) could Nick just run up on the sidewalk a little and clip Victoria with his bumper inadvertently pushing her in front of some Republican's speeding automobile? XO

    1. Rotundo_

      It's Victoria Jackson we're talking about here, why risk a stain on your cab? If it were Nugent, it might be worth a dent, and if it were Limbaugh it might be worth a front clip, but Victoria Jackson isn't worth farting in the general direction of: Save it for the elevator with Newt or Kilmeade or some other more deserving person. Victoria is just stupid and confused not truly malevolent

      1. iamrrm

        True. There are far more worthy manslaughter candidates in Tampa right now but Victori-uh was conveniently hanging on the street corners. Might as well pick her off on the way.

  23. barto

    Good thing Tom didn't get that cabbie or he would have twisted it into another column about needing a third party cab company, or something.

  24. pdiddycornchips

    'Becca is at least doing what every good reporter has done since they began having these conventions in the back of covered wagons. She's getting drunk and planning sex-capades. CNN and MSNBC have unleashed their talking bobbleheads with scripts and whatnot. It's so fucking boring.

    A quick word about Mr. Kilmeade. You may want to target someone else. I don't think he hits both ways and we all know which way he's most comfortable hitting.

    1. miss_grundy

      Capture some palmetto bugs and unleash them on Republicans, like in an elevator, or a bathroom stall. Those things are huge and they can fly!

  25. imissopus

    Don't badmouth miscegenation, Rebecca. It is what has made this country the glorious melting pot it is, a thought that puts all those RNC folks surrounding you into a frothing rage. Which is always fun.

  26. Chet Kincaid_

    Hey Editrix, here's an Adventure Tip: If Chris Christie starts rolling down a narrow hallway toward you, just jump on top of him and start running in the opposite direction, log-roll style. You'll be a'ight.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Time to recount again the time I saw him having to squeeze his way out of a Cadillac Escalade. SchllluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuulPPP!

  27. ttommyunger

    First Victoria Jackson, now Brian. Looks like we've got the "I think I'm pretty cute, but I honestly don't have a clue" ground covered.

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