AWW MUFFIN  12:29 pm August 27, 2012

Mitt Romney Eats Muffins Like A Precious, Fussy Little Child

by Jesse Taylor

This marks the week of Reclaiming Mitt Romney, in which he gives out lots and lots of interviews to show how beneath the cold, awkward, moderately inhuman exterior, he is a cold, awkward, moderately inhuman person who is competent enough to run the most powerful nation in the world despite having no idea what 98.7% of Americans do day to day besides get sunburned at his rallies and wash his cars. To that end, Mitt Romney has decided to give the Washington Times a deep insight into how he eats muffins. Hint: he does it like a weirdo.

If you want to understand who Mitt Romney really is, go beyond the position papers, stump speeches and preposterously presidential coif, and start with muffins.

For most eaters, a muffin is consumed unthinkingly, in big messy bites, pawing last crumbs off the wrapper because, well, they taste good. For Mr. Romney, however, a muffin is an analytical challenge — a risk to be weighed.

Indeed, eating muffins the Romney way takes discipline: He consumes the top, and only the top, to better avoid the unhealthy butter that supposedly flows downward during baking, according to an account by one of his biographers.

This was an episode of Seinfeld, for Christ’s sake. We’re supposed to elect Elaine Benes president? DID BAIN CAPITAL FUND HER DOOMED BAKERY?

Besides the fact that we are 99% sure the “butter at the bottom” thing is bullshit (as experienced bakers, obviously), why does Mitt Romney trying to save calories reflect on how he would manage the nation? Michelle Obama has been trying to do that for years, and she is apparently a horrible Amazonian hellbeast.

After reading all six pages of this article, it is clear: Mitt Romney’s muffin waste goes to show that, like the rest of us, he does mildly irrational things for no reason that in no way qualify him to be president. Take that and be comforted.

[Washington Times]

 
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{ 200 comments }

ChillBill August 27, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Isn't "Muffin" also Ann's Poodle? I heard she likes 'em French.

IonaTrailer August 27, 2012 at 1:04 pm

That sounds kinda nasty.

HarryButtle August 27, 2012 at 1:41 pm

The poodle bites…the poodle chews it.

Nibbler of Niblonia August 27, 2012 at 2:31 pm

George Bluth = Muffin Man : George Romney = Mitt Romney's Dad : Romeny eats muffins in a peculiar way : George Bluth sent poison muffins to George Michael Bluth's teacher : Mitt Romney terrorized an old blind teacher at Cranford (Cranbrook?) : Mitt Romney = George Bluth?

Bezoar August 27, 2012 at 12:32 pm

But see, he eats, so the glass is half full.

cromiller August 27, 2012 at 1:15 pm

yeah, but didn't the robot girl on Small Wonder eat too?

PuckStopsHere August 27, 2012 at 12:32 pm

If you want to understand who Mitt Romney really is

Uh, I think I already do. I think all of us already do. I think that that is the problem.

no_gravity August 27, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Mittens does everything ass backwards.

Callyson August 27, 2012 at 12:32 pm

In 1981, a park ranger told Mr. Romney that he couldn’t lower his boat into Massachusetts’ Lake Cochituate because the craft’s license number was too hard to read.
Eager to go boating with his family, Mr. Romney asked how much the fine would be.
Fifty dollars, he was told.
Frugal enough to reportedly wear winter gloves patched with duct tape, Mr. Romney nevertheless did some quick mental math. The price of a ticket, he concluded, was worth an entire day of enjoyment. Clad in swim trunks, he began to move his boat into the water — only to have the agitated ranger take him into custody for disorderly conduct, a case that subsequently was dismissed.

Yeah, that's what this country needs…another president with no regard for the law.

Asshole.

SavageDrummer August 27, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Link? 'cause that's hilarious

TribecaMike August 27, 2012 at 12:42 pm

It's in the Times article, and it is indeed hilarious.

SavageDrummer August 27, 2012 at 1:09 pm

That's what I get for not reading the linked article… (though, it was presented as a 6 page article about Romney, so one might excuse me for that…)

bumfug August 27, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Google "Romney arrested", plenty of stories about it.

Callyson August 27, 2012 at 12:44 pm

That's in the Washington Times piece linked above in the article. Hilarious stuff there…

SorosBot August 27, 2012 at 12:47 pm

And isn't the Moonie Times a far-right paper? Have they given up on Mittens, or was the author so clueless that they didn't realize the article shows him even more to be a giant dickhead who considers himself above the law?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 27, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Conservatards don't even realize that being a entitled dickhead is not, in fact, a good thing.

bumfug August 27, 2012 at 12:33 pm

In a last-ditch effort to sew up the chubby vote, Mitt's message today is "Romney loves muffin tops".

blueflowers August 28, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Smart move – chubby vote's at least 33 percent of the population, if not 50 by the time I write this.

ibwilliamsi August 27, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Tip to Mitt: Get Ann to cut those Costco muffins into four pieces, then only eat one piece at a sitting. She's got nothing better to do.

chicken_thief August 27, 2012 at 12:46 pm

HARD WORKIN' 'MERIKUN STAY AT HOME MOMS LIBELZ!!!

Gratuitous World August 27, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Does the article discuss the analytical challenge of Mitt's "shrinkage?"

Baconzgood August 27, 2012 at 12:35 pm

"For Mr. Romney, however, a muffin is an analytical challenge" And this is supposed to HELP him be the POTUS?

CthuNHu August 27, 2012 at 3:02 pm

To be fair, eating a muffin was an analytical challenge for Dan Quayle, too.

Sharkey August 27, 2012 at 12:35 pm

He even eats Snickers with a knife and fork!

Lascauxcaveman August 27, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Is there another way?

SavageDrummer August 27, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Deep fried, like a REAL 'murrican

kittensdontlie August 27, 2012 at 1:04 pm

"Those who cannot remember past Seinfeld episodes, are doomed to repeat them."

punkneverdies August 27, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Well that tears it, I'm definitely not voting for Romney now.

SoBeach August 27, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Exact opposite for me. I wasn't going to vote for him because a Romney presidency would be horrible for the country, but now that I know about his charming little quirks and regular guy outlook on life, how could I not vote for him?

Schmannnity August 27, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Mitt eats muff.

Self-Uploader August 27, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Thanks a lot. I will not be eating (without vomiting) anything for the rest of the day.

FearofaBlackReagan August 27, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Kinda doubt it. Ann seems a little too tense for that to be the case consistently.

UW8316154 August 27, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Besides, who sucks on dried ice for enjoyment?

Bezoar August 27, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Pictures or GTFO.

GunToting[Redacted] August 27, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Dear GOD no.

walterhwhite August 27, 2012 at 1:14 pm

I seriously doubt it

tessiee August 27, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Hellz naw.
If it weren't for the eagle biting her tit, Ann would have no sex life at all.

MissTaken August 27, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Muffin stumps won't stump for Romney.

metamarcisf August 27, 2012 at 12:36 pm

And leaves the stumps for the rest of us

Biel_ze_Bubba August 27, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Mitt won't eat anything below the muffin top? No wonder Ann is cranky (and needs therapeutic time in the saddle.)

littlebigdaddy August 27, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Just so long as he doesn't give Biden any! USA! USA!

1stNewtontheMoon August 27, 2012 at 12:36 pm

between his muffin eating habits and his devotion to a sandy frontier cult, we know exactly two things about mitt. well, those two things and he made a shitload of money in ethically questionable business practices after returning from his merman mission during which he drove a car involved in a fatal wreck. so four things? oh, and the dog was put on top of the car in a different incident.

walterhwhite August 27, 2012 at 1:15 pm

And didn't he play some nasty hazing prank on some poor guy in college? What we know is, he's an a**hole.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 27, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Well, what's worse — having a lefty law school prof, or assaulting one of your classmates?

elviouslyqueer August 27, 2012 at 12:36 pm

He was eating a muffin, and he starts talking about, ‘Hey, did you know that the butter sinks to the bottom?’”

Say, you know what else sinks to the bottom?

weejee August 27, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Jimmy Hoffa?

Steverino247 August 27, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Teamster libel!!!!

Schmannnity August 27, 2012 at 12:47 pm

The middle class?

chicken_thief August 27, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Natalie Wood?

Beowoof August 27, 2012 at 1:12 pm

And here I thought Wood would float.

Boredw/Gravitas August 27, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Women who aren't witches?

chicken_thief August 27, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Lee Atwater?

Callyson August 27, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Any and all jokes Mittens attempts to make?

BarackMyWorld August 27, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Middle class income under Republican economic policies?

ChillBill August 27, 2012 at 1:03 pm

OBL?

Incitefully_Joe August 27, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Mitt Romney's polling among women and minorities?

1stNewtontheMoon August 27, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Karl Rove?

Oh, I thought you said "is a closet power bottom."

horsedreamer_1 August 28, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Fountains of Wayne?

Baconzgood August 27, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Baconz prefers to "Dive" right into those Muffins.

Limeylizzie August 27, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Owners of muffins across America say thank-you to Baconz.

SavageDrummer August 27, 2012 at 12:37 pm

"The butter sinks to the bottom" is right up there with "you can't get pregnant the first time" on the list of things that are absolute bullshit…

PsycWench August 27, 2012 at 12:41 pm

The physics of batter are probably a bit much to expect from Mitt. Should we tell him that the delicious crunchy topping might have even more butter?

GunToting[Redacted] August 27, 2012 at 1:19 pm

But, but… BUTTER ISN'T CRUNCHY!!!

What witchery is this?

Caelan Aegana August 28, 2012 at 11:49 am

Ah the wonders of chemistry. (Not coincidentally, another thing Mittens does not believe in.)

YouBetcha August 27, 2012 at 12:57 pm

It TRICKLES DOWN, dumb liberals. Sheesh. After all these years, you still don't understand how it works.

RedneckMuslin August 27, 2012 at 1:04 pm

"The butter sinks to the bottom" is right up there with "you can't get pregnant the first time" on the list of things that are absolute bullshit…

or from legitimate rape..

Bezoar August 27, 2012 at 1:13 pm

See, he makes up plausible-sounding (?) stories to tell himself to buttress his need to feel in control. I.e., bullshit artist.

MoeDeLawn August 27, 2012 at 1:55 pm

an artless bullshit artist.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 27, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Believing in things that are utter bullshit is a job requirement, if you're seeking a Republican nomination. This is a guy who even buys into the Ryan budget.

SavageDrummer August 27, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Also… a) waste of perfectly good muffinstumps… b) once again, Mitt's only worried about the top 1% of things, in this case, muffins (the muffins I make are really tall…)

docteur_giraud August 27, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Romney's muffins are always the right height.

starfanglednut August 27, 2012 at 12:39 pm

He just eats the top, so he can send the rest to the Caymans.

elviouslyqueer August 27, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Also:

During an interview with Fox News last year, Mr. Romney was asked a relatively innocuous question: Name the last book you’ve read or one you’re currently reading. Conceding that “I’m reading sort of a fun one right now,” he declined to answer the query.

And presto! Mitt's "AOTK" moment.

SavageDrummer August 27, 2012 at 1:13 pm

My Pet Goat?

Bezoar August 27, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Whatever's in front of him.

JustPixelz August 27, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Hmm … what would Mitt think is a "fun" book to read?

Probably (and ironically) "Emotional Cognitive Neural Algorithms with Engineering Applications: Dynamic Logic: From Vague to Crisp (Studies in Computational Intelligence)" by Leonid Perlovsky, et al.

Or "Pinnocchio", which is kinda the same thing to him.

La_Cieca August 27, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Hmm … what would Mitt think is a "fun" book to read?

"I, Robot.," which he thinks is an autobiography.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 27, 2012 at 1:40 pm

“I’m reading sort of a fun one right now."

He only reads balance sheets, and only cares about the bottom line, so I'm guessing it was his Swiss Bank Account statement.

bobbert August 27, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Probably 50 Shades.

doloras August 27, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Yeah, any book that was delivered on golden plates or "translated" from Egyptian by someone who knew no Egyptian at all doesn't count as "fun".

Callyson August 27, 2012 at 12:39 pm

he’s a fan of Coen brothers movies

“Oh, I just think I’m gonna barf…”

FNMA August 27, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Shut the fuck up, Donnie.

nonbeliever7 August 27, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Thank you for the 2nd best part of my day.

Steverino247 August 27, 2012 at 12:50 pm

…but he's so stupid he thinks "polypeptide" is a toothpaste.

Lascauxcaveman August 27, 2012 at 12:51 pm

"Oh for Pete's sake, he's fleeing the interview! He's fleeing the interview! "

mookwrthwilson August 27, 2012 at 12:56 pm

By fan, he means he's seen "The Ladykillers" and he loved it and thought it was "very original".

SorosBot August 27, 2012 at 12:58 pm

In other words, his handlers told him to say he likes Coen brothers movies because it would make him sound somewhat hip while still being mainstream.

viennawoods13 August 27, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Well, I do think he could be a Dapper Dan man, with that hair. But really, way to spoil my enjoyment of my favorite movies.

walterhwhite August 27, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Yeah, I bet he really loved "A Serious Man," since he's so pro-Jewish and all.

Dashboard Buddha August 27, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Say what you will about about Corporate Fascism…at least is will keep my friends rich and powerful and make serfs out of the rest of you.

Jus_Wonderin August 27, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Butter in the bottom is code.

Bezoar August 27, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Mitt's dog-whistling; "I don't eat buttered bottoms!"

Too much protest?

chicken_thief August 27, 2012 at 12:39 pm

You don't understand – Muffins is his dog. (To paraphrase the old "Chunks" joke.)

SorosBot August 27, 2012 at 12:40 pm

So Mittens likes to waste food; I'm sure that will endear him to America's hungry poor. And my Depression-era grandmother would probably like a word with him; especially now that she often thinks it is the Depression, thanks to the Alzheimer's.

Bezoar August 27, 2012 at 1:17 pm

I wouldn't be surprised to learn that she can sense the zeitgeist.

GunToting[Redacted] August 27, 2012 at 1:22 pm

That just makes him a "real American." Morning Edition had a story today about how the average American throws out over 30% of all the food they buy. Depending on how many muffins Mittens eats, that might be impacting the percentage.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 27, 2012 at 1:43 pm

"she often thinks it is the Depression, thanks to the Alzheimer's".

Your grandma will be pleased to hear that it ain't the Alzheimer's.

HarryButtle August 27, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Beat me by THAT much.

HarryButtle August 27, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I think it's the Depression and I haven't got Alzheimer's

Wadisay August 27, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Who sez Mitt throws the bottom half away? I am guessing he has the butler fetch it over to a food shelf, and he takes an $80 per muffin tax deduction.

tessiee August 27, 2012 at 10:50 pm

"she often thinks it is the Depression, thanks to the Alzheimer's."

And also because it *is* the Depression.
Grandpa Simpson: Look how they recreated the tent cities from the depression.
Interviewer: No, those are real.

TheGyrus August 27, 2012 at 12:40 pm

"I'll run this country the way I eat my muffins – by discarding the bottom half!"

Steverino247 August 27, 2012 at 12:50 pm

There's Obama's next campaign ad right there.

spends2much August 27, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Seriously, if Obama had a "muffin strategy" as convoluted and stupid as this, Rush and the Fox morons would be losing their collective sh*t.

I say we make this the Talking Point of the week. Forget the convention!

Callyson August 27, 2012 at 12:41 pm

During an interview with Fox News last year, Mr. Romney was asked a relatively innocuous question: Name the last book you’ve read or one you’re currently reading. Conceding that “I’m reading sort of a fun one right now,” he declined to answer the query.

50 Shades of Grey or GTFO.

bobbert August 27, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Oh, dammit.

tessiee August 27, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Nah, he's reading Twilight and just doesn't want to admit it.

SayItWithWookies August 27, 2012 at 12:41 pm

True story: When Mitt and Ann Romney wed in 1969, they held their reception at a suburban Detroit country club. According to reports, a photographer asked to take a shot of the couple kissing.

“Not for cameras,” Mr. Romney said.

Awww — he eats just the expensive part of the muffin. He doesn't reveal much about his personality, although his friends insist he has one. He likes peanut butter and honey sandwiches, waterskiing and tennis. And he won't say what book he's currently reading, although it's "fun." And he won't kiss his wife in front of cameras — see, he's just like you and me — if we were fictional characters made up by some reclusive, antisocial author with no life experience.

SorosBot August 27, 2012 at 12:48 pm

He keeps getting weirder and weirder.

SayItWithWookies August 27, 2012 at 12:58 pm

And this is the article meant to humanize him.

UW8316154 August 27, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Must be why he keeps trotting out The Sons, in an effort to appear more human-like.

Bezoar August 27, 2012 at 1:20 pm

I think there may be hidden forces at work that are antithetical to Mitt.

MissTaken August 27, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Does he at least keep the crust on his peanut butter and honey sandwiches? I'm guessing no.

Geminisunmars August 27, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I'm sure they are cut off before the wait staff presents it to him.

eta: He may not even know that such crusts exist.

UW8316154 August 27, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Crusts?

GunToting[Redacted] August 27, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Peanut butter and honey libel!

Seriously. I love that shit.

Blueb4sinrise August 27, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Not 'Awwww', but 'Ewwwwwww'.

ChernobylSoup August 27, 2012 at 12:43 pm

If the blueberries float but the butter sinks, the muffin is a witch.

Geminisunmars August 27, 2012 at 1:10 pm

"I am not a witch" sayeth the muffin.

LibertyLover August 27, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Does it weigh more than a duck?

Shadowmuffin August 27, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Even with muffins, Romney cares only about the top 1%.

MissTaken August 27, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Tomorrow we'll learn that Mitt puts his pants on both legs at the same time. He's nothing like us!

Bezoar August 27, 2012 at 1:21 pm

I've tried to do that a few times, and it was a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 27, 2012 at 1:49 pm

You didn't have a manservant helping out.

PsycWench August 27, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I think I speak for the other women here when I say that our muffins are totally off-limits to Mitt Romney.

Steverino247 August 27, 2012 at 12:53 pm

I think I speak for the other men here when I say we like it when the women here talk about their muffins. Or any other tasty female bits.

YouBetcha August 27, 2012 at 12:58 pm

The muffin shop is CLOSED!

chicken_thief August 27, 2012 at 1:07 pm

To everyone for ever and ever?!!

walterhwhite August 27, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Totally!

blueflowers August 28, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Yeah, I'm guessing he'd be all teeth.

ManchuCandidate August 27, 2012 at 12:44 pm

If only Seinfeld and "Top Of the Muffin To You" were in Boston instead of NYC.

LibertyLover August 27, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Wouldn't that be Cheers?

TribecaMike August 27, 2012 at 12:45 pm

That Times puff piece is so funny that for once I didn't mind if the Moonies got a % from the page click. Give us more like that, O Great Perfected Reincarnation of Jesus!

ChernobylSoup August 27, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I'm writing a book on how to avoid calories by the way you hold your food. The Gravity Diet – look for it on Amazon.

Callyson August 27, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Gravity is just a theory, like evolution. Teach the controversy!

kittensdontlie August 27, 2012 at 1:25 pm

While up in an apple tree, Adam and Eve dislodged one of the sinful fruits which fell next to Sir Issac Newton, who later pondered the gravity of his discovery—the Apple-Newton(excerpt from a Bob Jones U. textbook).

Goonemeritus August 27, 2012 at 12:46 pm

He only eats the top 1% of a muffin.

Not_So_Much August 27, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Does he give the stumps to the Poorz or just throw them on the ground and stomp them? You know, to teach them a lesson on self-reliance.

tessiee August 27, 2012 at 10:56 pm

"Does he give the stumps to the Poorz or just throw them on the ground and stomp them?"

Yes, he throws the poorz on the ground and stomps them.

MissTaken August 27, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Dammit, now I want a muffin. Top and bottom.

Typodong3 August 27, 2012 at 12:53 pm

So you are saying you are a switch? Or you like to watch?

SorosBot August 27, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Yeah, it makes me feel like eating a nice tender tasty muffin too.

Arkoday August 27, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Glad to see I'm not the only one with this effect. Plus I'm guilty – prefer the tops myself…all shiny with tender crust…which I save for last.
Off to the damn kitchen.

BlueStateLibel August 27, 2012 at 12:46 pm

And then Mitt went on to laughingly explain how he always steals the sweet n' low packets off the tables at restaurants.

Crank_Tango August 27, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Eats like a weirdo, or an anorexic tween?

pdiddycornchips August 27, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Mitt always seemed like a buttered bottom to me so this is not really news.

SayItWithWookies August 27, 2012 at 12:47 pm

“There’s the public Mitt and the private Mitt,” Mr. Helman said. “I’m told that within the Mormon community and with his family, he’s totally different.

It's true — around furniture and electrical appliances, Mitt can be very relaxed and engaging.

chicken_thief August 27, 2012 at 12:57 pm

I'm not buying "totally different" unless he's pounding beers and dropping f-bombs.

SavageDrummer August 27, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Now THERE'S a candidate I can get behind!

Rosie_Scenario August 27, 2012 at 12:47 pm

And here is how he eats Oreo cookies: he twists off the top, eats the white creme inside, and throws the black chocolate cookies away.

PsycWench August 27, 2012 at 12:58 pm

He eats chicken marsala by licking off the delicious sauce, then throwing the chicken away.

DahBoner August 27, 2012 at 1:06 pm

And he eats a Chik-Fil-A by just giving the owner a rimjob out behind the dumpster…

fatbob54 August 27, 2012 at 1:32 pm

And he eats Ann with a sheet of Saran Wrap laid across her nether parts….

DahBoner August 27, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Can't be too careful, never know where that TrophyWife® has been…

TootsStansbury August 27, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Of course this Rmoney fellow, he eats the muffin standing up. That way the calories will flow straight out of his feet; the better to preserve his Presidential figure.

sbj1964 August 27, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Mormons can eat muffins?There must be something written on those magical golden plates that knowone other than they're convicted con man cult leader guy Joseph Smith found that says otherwise?

DaveJ August 27, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Meanwhile the muffin top contains like 200% butter, so, awesome maths, Mittens.

johnnymeatworth August 27, 2012 at 12:52 pm

"My muffin top is all that/Whole grain, low fat/I know you want a piece of that/But I'm just here to dance…."
–Noted political strategist Jenna Maroney

Typodong3 August 27, 2012 at 12:52 pm

To be fair, the muffin top IS the best part of the muffin. Id do the same thing as mitt, but I'm a poor so that entire muffin is getting mauled.

Weenus299 August 27, 2012 at 12:52 pm

This is the second time in a week that I got reminded of the Top-of-the-Muffin-To-Ya episode of Seinfeld.

BarackMyWorld August 27, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Romney knows as much about baking as he does about being unemployed.

La_Cieca August 27, 2012 at 12:54 pm

So how do the good people of Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Minnesota and Idaho feel about Governor Romney's irrational hatred of dairy products?

FakaktaSouth August 27, 2012 at 12:54 pm

The person I feel sorry for is the writer who thinks they have a real job but who actually writes stupid shit about how this guy consumes breakfast food. I can only imagine how excited they will be when their next assignment of how hard he likes the setting for the water pressure on his bidet to be comes around.

Blueb4sinrise August 27, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Again I say , 'Ewwwwwwwwww.'

Estproph August 27, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I think we're looking at this wrong. What could be better than a Seinfeld presidency? We'd all get cigars, although they'd be Domenican instead of Cuban and wrapped too tight. Imagine a loaf of Schwebel's rye in every kitchen, and the best mulligatawney you could imagine – so long as you mind your place, otherwise No Soup For You! Junior Mints for everyone! But no shrimp – the ocean called and it's running out!

Maybe Romney will convert to Judaism so that his jokes will be funnier. Maybe also he'll give a speech somewhere where there is a Good Samaritan law, because if there is, we can be sure he's going to jail.

randcoolcatdaddy August 27, 2012 at 12:58 pm

He leaves the bottom half of the muffin for the hired help.

freakishlywrong August 27, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Gross. Mitt n' muffins in the same post. Gross.

Spurning Beer August 27, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Mitt's much-anticipated speech on race:

"I have been to the muffin-top…."

zippy_w_pinhead August 27, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Girl you thought he was a man
But he was a muffin
He hung around till you found
That he didn't know nuthin

Girl you thought he was a man
But he only was a-puffin
No cries is heard in the night
As a result of him stuffin

barto August 27, 2012 at 1:03 pm

This explains why Ann strikes me as an undersexed ice queen, despite the multiple pregnancies.

fawkedifiknow August 27, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Legitimate muffins have a way of shutting down the butter, I always say.

Geminisunmars August 27, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Only if they are forcibly eaten.

DahBoner August 27, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Is the Washington Times still owned by Reverand Some Likeit Moony?

Incitefully_Joe August 27, 2012 at 1:09 pm

He doesn't want to release his tax returns because he donates the muffin bottoms to the hungry, who don't actually want them, and then writes it off.

molliekatz22 August 27, 2012 at 1:10 pm

The nearest Costco to the NH mansion is more than 1:40 hours away. Is Ann's addiction to Costco mean she drives one of her Cadillacs for almost 4 hours there and back to save a few cents on cupcakes (and maybe paper towels)? If Mitt and her are so wasteful in time & gas costs, what would they do to the country?

Spurning Beer August 27, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Mitt also eats only the heart of a watermelon, and only the head of a chocolate Easter bunny. Throws the rest away.

His personnel policy is similar.

ElPinche August 27, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I smell a Pulitzer. *sloooow golf clap*

BZ1 August 27, 2012 at 1:16 pm

OMG, he eats just the muffin tops.

carlgt1 August 27, 2012 at 1:17 pm

but he did at least know the word "muffin" — unlike when he was confronted by a plate of doughnuts and had no idea what to call 'em….

Beowoof August 27, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Well he did learn about Muffins from another guy from Massachusetts, Steven Tyler, "you ain't seen nothin till you been down on a muffin, then you're sure to be changing your ways".
I know that these words describe my experience with muffins, a delicacy of which there is never enough.

Misty Malarky August 27, 2012 at 1:17 pm

I can't wait for four – maybe eight! – years of hearing this kind of this fluffernutter pablum about our boarderline autistic president as our country molds and rots, just like an uneaten muffin stump.

"Thousands Die in Atlanta Famine Riot – In Other News – President Romney Reveals How Many TImes He Has to Turn the Light Off and On While Giggling Nervously Before He Can Enter a Room".

SavageDrummer August 27, 2012 at 1:23 pm

How many licks does it take President Romney to get to the centre of a tootsie-pop? Film at 11…

Edit: Typing "President Romney" always makes me feel dirty…

Monsieur_Grumpe August 27, 2012 at 1:32 pm

At last! A real reason not to vote for Mittens!

Dashboard Buddha August 27, 2012 at 1:35 pm

When will we see the type of hard hitting investigative journalism that will put to rest the persistent rumor that Rmoney eats small children raw?

rockyoumonkeys August 27, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Hey I eat muffins weird too, does that mean I don't have to pay taxes either?

orygoon August 27, 2012 at 1:37 pm

"This muffin is gay, and I'm going to give it a haircut! With my teeth!"

actor212 August 27, 2012 at 1:47 pm

For Mr. Romney, however, a muffin is an analytical challenge

So is tying his shoelaces.

Come here a minute August 27, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Mitt also eats his PBJ's with the crusts cut off. (He uses the Skippy/Welch's/Wonder recipe, of course.)

BeefHardcake August 27, 2012 at 2:18 pm

A lot of political reporting sucks.

But that article takes the cake of suck. How fucking lazy and hack-y can you get?

OneYieldRegular August 27, 2012 at 2:30 pm

This is news? I mean, it's not like we didn't already know that Mitt Romney only eats the top of everything, leaving the bottom to waste.

owhatever August 27, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Once again, the Washington Times probes where the lamestream media will not go. Moonies everywhere are proud.

mavenmaven August 27, 2012 at 2:34 pm

"The price of a ticket, he concluded, was worth an entire day of enjoyment."
That's what we need now, a man who believes that justice is something one can just buy off with some cash.

LibrarianX August 27, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Willard eschews corn dogs….

mrblifil August 27, 2012 at 2:39 pm

The author's description of how normal people eat a muffin is unintentional comic gold right there. Substitute "cock" for "muffin" and the analytical challenges pay off exponentially.

DemmeFatale August 27, 2012 at 2:39 pm

I'm guessing that Ann isn't a baker.
Cause if she was, that shit would REALLY piss her off!

An_Outhouse August 27, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Romneybot is a muffin eater? Hide yor womynz!

vaginista August 27, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Let them eat muffin stumps!

paulf40 August 27, 2012 at 7:14 pm

Do you think he gets to write all of the muffin bottoms he donates to the poors off on his taxes?

tessiee August 27, 2012 at 10:38 pm

"This was an episode of Seinfeld, for Christ’s sake. We’re supposed to elect Elaine Benes president?"

Elaine is a better dancer:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xi4O1yi6b0

ttommyunger August 28, 2012 at 7:24 am

Kind of makes one wonder how he eats pussy……….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I KNOW, HAHAHAHAHAHA!

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