aww muffin

Mitt Romney Eats Muffins Like A Precious, Fussy Little Child

This marks the week of Reclaiming Mitt Romney, in which he gives out lots and lots of interviews to show how beneath the cold, awkward, moderately inhuman exterior, he is a cold, awkward, moderately inhuman person who is competent enough to run the most powerful nation in the world despite having no idea what 98.7% of Americans do day to day besides get sunburned at his rallies and wash his cars. To that end, Mitt Romney has decided to give the Washington Times a deep insight into how he eats muffins. Hint: he does it like a weirdo.

If you want to understand who Mitt Romney really is, go beyond the position papers, stump speeches and preposterously presidential coif, and start with muffins.

For most eaters, a muffin is consumed unthinkingly, in big messy bites, pawing last crumbs off the wrapper because, well, they taste good. For Mr. Romney, however, a muffin is an analytical challenge — a risk to be weighed.

Indeed, eating muffins the Romney way takes discipline: He consumes the top, and only the top, to better avoid the unhealthy butter that supposedly flows downward during baking, according to an account by one of his biographers.

This was an episode of Seinfeld, for Christ’s sake. We’re supposed to elect Elaine Benes president? DID BAIN CAPITAL FUND HER DOOMED BAKERY?

Besides the fact that we are 99% sure the “butter at the bottom” thing is bullshit (as experienced bakers, obviously), why does Mitt Romney trying to save calories reflect on how he would manage the nation? Michelle Obama has been trying to do that for years, and she is apparently a horrible Amazonian hellbeast.

After reading all six pages of this article, it is clear: Mitt Romney’s muffin waste goes to show that, like the rest of us, he does mildly irrational things for no reason that in no way qualify him to be president. Take that and be comforted.

[Washington Times]

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    1. Nibbler of Niblonia

      George Bluth = Muffin Man : George Romney = Mitt Romney's Dad : Romeny eats muffins in a peculiar way : George Bluth sent poison muffins to George Michael Bluth's teacher : Mitt Romney terrorized an old blind teacher at Cranford (Cranbrook?) : Mitt Romney = George Bluth?

  1. PuckStopsHere

    If you want to understand who Mitt Romney really is

    Uh, I think I already do. I think all of us already do. I think that that is the problem.

  2. Callyson

    In 1981, a park ranger told Mr. Romney that he couldn’t lower his boat into Massachusetts’ Lake Cochituate because the craft’s license number was too hard to read.
    Eager to go boating with his family, Mr. Romney asked how much the fine would be.
    Fifty dollars, he was told.
    Frugal enough to reportedly wear winter gloves patched with duct tape, Mr. Romney nevertheless did some quick mental math. The price of a ticket, he concluded, was worth an entire day of enjoyment. Clad in swim trunks, he began to move his boat into the water — only to have the agitated ranger take him into custody for disorderly conduct, a case that subsequently was dismissed.

    Yeah, that's what this country needs…another president with no regard for the law.


        1. SavageDrummer

          That's what I get for not reading the linked article… (though, it was presented as a 6 page article about Romney, so one might excuse me for that…)

    1. SorosBot

      And isn't the Moonie Times a far-right paper? Have they given up on Mittens, or was the author so clueless that they didn't realize the article shows him even more to be a giant dickhead who considers himself above the law?

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Conservatards don't even realize that being a entitled dickhead is not, in fact, a good thing.

  3. bumfug

    In a last-ditch effort to sew up the chubby vote, Mitt's message today is "Romney loves muffin tops".

    1. blueflowers

      Smart move – chubby vote's at least 33 percent of the population, if not 50 by the time I write this.

  4. ibwilliamsi

    Tip to Mitt: Get Ann to cut those Costco muffins into four pieces, then only eat one piece at a sitting. She's got nothing better to do.

  5. Baconzgood

    "For Mr. Romney, however, a muffin is an analytical challenge" And this is supposed to HELP him be the POTUS?

    1. SoBeach

      Exact opposite for me. I wasn't going to vote for him because a Romney presidency would be horrible for the country, but now that I know about his charming little quirks and regular guy outlook on life, how could I not vote for him?

  6. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Mitt won't eat anything below the muffin top? No wonder Ann is cranky (and needs therapeutic time in the saddle.)

  7. 1stNewtontheMoon

    between his muffin eating habits and his devotion to a sandy frontier cult, we know exactly two things about mitt. well, those two things and he made a shitload of money in ethically questionable business practices after returning from his merman mission during which he drove a car involved in a fatal wreck. so four things? oh, and the dog was put on top of the car in a different incident.

    1. walterhwhite

      And didn't he play some nasty hazing prank on some poor guy in college? What we know is, he's an a**hole.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Well, what's worse — having a lefty law school prof, or assaulting one of your classmates?

  8. elviouslyqueer

    He was eating a muffin, and he starts talking about, ‘Hey, did you know that the butter sinks to the bottom?’”

    Say, you know what else sinks to the bottom?

  9. SavageDrummer

    "The butter sinks to the bottom" is right up there with "you can't get pregnant the first time" on the list of things that are absolute bullshit…

    1. PsycWench

      The physics of batter are probably a bit much to expect from Mitt. Should we tell him that the delicious crunchy topping might have even more butter?

        1. Caelan Aegana

          Ah the wonders of chemistry. (Not coincidentally, another thing Mittens does not believe in.)

    2. YouBetcha

      It TRICKLES DOWN, dumb liberals. Sheesh. After all these years, you still don't understand how it works.

    3. RedneckMuslin

      "The butter sinks to the bottom" is right up there with "you can't get pregnant the first time" on the list of things that are absolute bullshit…

      or from legitimate rape..

    4. Bezoar

      See, he makes up plausible-sounding (?) stories to tell himself to buttress his need to feel in control. I.e., bullshit artist.

    5. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Believing in things that are utter bullshit is a job requirement, if you're seeking a Republican nomination. This is a guy who even buys into the Ryan budget.

  10. SavageDrummer

    Also… a) waste of perfectly good muffinstumps… b) once again, Mitt's only worried about the top 1% of things, in this case, muffins (the muffins I make are really tall…)

  11. elviouslyqueer


    During an interview with Fox News last year, Mr. Romney was asked a relatively innocuous question: Name the last book you’ve read or one you’re currently reading. Conceding that “I’m reading sort of a fun one right now,” he declined to answer the query.

    And presto! Mitt's "AOTK" moment.

    1. JustPixelz

      Hmm … what would Mitt think is a "fun" book to read?

      Probably (and ironically) "Emotional Cognitive Neural Algorithms with Engineering Applications: Dynamic Logic: From Vague to Crisp (Studies in Computational Intelligence)" by Leonid Perlovsky, et al.

      Or "Pinnocchio", which is kinda the same thing to him.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      “I’m reading sort of a fun one right now."

      He only reads balance sheets, and only cares about the bottom line, so I'm guessing it was his Swiss Bank Account statement.

    3. doloras

      Yeah, any book that was delivered on golden plates or "translated" from Egyptian by someone who knew no Egyptian at all doesn't count as "fun".

    1. mookwrthwilson

      By fan, he means he's seen "The Ladykillers" and he loved it and thought it was "very original".

    2. SorosBot

      In other words, his handlers told him to say he likes Coen brothers movies because it would make him sound somewhat hip while still being mainstream.

    3. viennawoods13

      Well, I do think he could be a Dapper Dan man, with that hair. But really, way to spoil my enjoyment of my favorite movies.

    4. Dashboard Buddha

      Say what you will about about Corporate Fascism…at least is will keep my friends rich and powerful and make serfs out of the rest of you.

  12. SorosBot

    So Mittens likes to waste food; I'm sure that will endear him to America's hungry poor. And my Depression-era grandmother would probably like a word with him; especially now that she often thinks it is the Depression, thanks to the Alzheimer's.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      That just makes him a "real American." Morning Edition had a story today about how the average American throws out over 30% of all the food they buy. Depending on how many muffins Mittens eats, that might be impacting the percentage.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "she often thinks it is the Depression, thanks to the Alzheimer's".

      Your grandma will be pleased to hear that it ain't the Alzheimer's.

    3. Wadisay

      Who sez Mitt throws the bottom half away? I am guessing he has the butler fetch it over to a food shelf, and he takes an $80 per muffin tax deduction.

    4. tessiee

      "she often thinks it is the Depression, thanks to the Alzheimer's."

      And also because it *is* the Depression.
      Grandpa Simpson: Look how they recreated the tent cities from the depression.
      Interviewer: No, those are real.

  13. spends2much

    Seriously, if Obama had a "muffin strategy" as convoluted and stupid as this, Rush and the Fox morons would be losing their collective sh*t.

    I say we make this the Talking Point of the week. Forget the convention!

  14. Callyson

    During an interview with Fox News last year, Mr. Romney was asked a relatively innocuous question: Name the last book you’ve read or one you’re currently reading. Conceding that “I’m reading sort of a fun one right now,” he declined to answer the query.

    50 Shades of Grey or GTFO.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    True story: When Mitt and Ann Romney wed in 1969, they held their reception at a suburban Detroit country club. According to reports, a photographer asked to take a shot of the couple kissing.

    “Not for cameras,” Mr. Romney said.

    Awww — he eats just the expensive part of the muffin. He doesn't reveal much about his personality, although his friends insist he has one. He likes peanut butter and honey sandwiches, waterskiing and tennis. And he won't say what book he's currently reading, although it's "fun." And he won't kiss his wife in front of cameras — see, he's just like you and me — if we were fictional characters made up by some reclusive, antisocial author with no life experience.

      1. Geminisunmars

        I'm sure they are cut off before the wait staff presents it to him.

        eta: He may not even know that such crusts exist.

  16. MissTaken

    Tomorrow we'll learn that Mitt puts his pants on both legs at the same time. He's nothing like us!

  17. PsycWench

    I think I speak for the other women here when I say that our muffins are totally off-limits to Mitt Romney.

    1. Steverino247

      I think I speak for the other men here when I say we like it when the women here talk about their muffins. Or any other tasty female bits.

  18. TribecaMike

    That Times puff piece is so funny that for once I didn't mind if the Moonies got a % from the page click. Give us more like that, O Great Perfected Reincarnation of Jesus!

  19. ChernobylSoup

    I'm writing a book on how to avoid calories by the way you hold your food. The Gravity Diet – look for it on Amazon.

      1. kittensdontlie

        While up in an apple tree, Adam and Eve dislodged one of the sinful fruits which fell next to Sir Issac Newton, who later pondered the gravity of his discovery—the Apple-Newton(excerpt from a Bob Jones U. textbook).

  20. Not_So_Much

    Does he give the stumps to the Poorz or just throw them on the ground and stomp them? You know, to teach them a lesson on self-reliance.

    1. tessiee

      "Does he give the stumps to the Poorz or just throw them on the ground and stomp them?"

      Yes, he throws the poorz on the ground and stomps them.

    1. Arkoday

      Glad to see I'm not the only one with this effect. Plus I'm guilty – prefer the tops myself…all shiny with tender crust…which I save for last.
      Off to the damn kitchen.

  21. BlueStateLibel

    And then Mitt went on to laughingly explain how he always steals the sweet n' low packets off the tables at restaurants.

  22. SayItWithWookies

    “There’s the public Mitt and the private Mitt,” Mr. Helman said. “I’m told that within the Mormon community and with his family, he’s totally different.

    It's true — around furniture and electrical appliances, Mitt can be very relaxed and engaging.

  23. Rosie_Scenario

    And here is how he eats Oreo cookies: he twists off the top, eats the white creme inside, and throws the black chocolate cookies away.

  24. TootsStansbury

    Of course this Rmoney fellow, he eats the muffin standing up. That way the calories will flow straight out of his feet; the better to preserve his Presidential figure.

  25. sbj1964

    Mormons can eat muffins?There must be something written on those magical golden plates that knowone other than they're convicted con man cult leader guy Joseph Smith found that says otherwise?

  26. johnnymeatworth

    "My muffin top is all that/Whole grain, low fat/I know you want a piece of that/But I'm just here to dance…."
    –Noted political strategist Jenna Maroney

  27. Typodong3

    To be fair, the muffin top IS the best part of the muffin. Id do the same thing as mitt, but I'm a poor so that entire muffin is getting mauled.

  28. Weenus299

    This is the second time in a week that I got reminded of the Top-of-the-Muffin-To-Ya episode of Seinfeld.

  29. La_Cieca

    So how do the good people of Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Minnesota and Idaho feel about Governor Romney's irrational hatred of dairy products?

  30. FakaktaSouth

    The person I feel sorry for is the writer who thinks they have a real job but who actually writes stupid shit about how this guy consumes breakfast food. I can only imagine how excited they will be when their next assignment of how hard he likes the setting for the water pressure on his bidet to be comes around.

  31. Estproph

    I think we're looking at this wrong. What could be better than a Seinfeld presidency? We'd all get cigars, although they'd be Domenican instead of Cuban and wrapped too tight. Imagine a loaf of Schwebel's rye in every kitchen, and the best mulligatawney you could imagine – so long as you mind your place, otherwise No Soup For You! Junior Mints for everyone! But no shrimp – the ocean called and it's running out!

    Maybe Romney will convert to Judaism so that his jokes will be funnier. Maybe also he'll give a speech somewhere where there is a Good Samaritan law, because if there is, we can be sure he's going to jail.

  32. zippy_w_pinhead

    Girl you thought he was a man
    But he was a muffin
    He hung around till you found
    That he didn't know nuthin

    Girl you thought he was a man
    But he only was a-puffin
    No cries is heard in the night
    As a result of him stuffin

  33. molliekatz22

    The nearest Costco to the NH mansion is more than 1:40 hours away. Is Ann's addiction to Costco mean she drives one of her Cadillacs for almost 4 hours there and back to save a few cents on cupcakes (and maybe paper towels)? If Mitt and her are so wasteful in time & gas costs, what would they do to the country?

  34. carlgt1

    but he did at least know the word "muffin" — unlike when he was confronted by a plate of doughnuts and had no idea what to call 'em….

  35. Beowoof

    Well he did learn about Muffins from another guy from Massachusetts, Steven Tyler, "you ain't seen nothin till you been down on a muffin, then you're sure to be changing your ways".
    I know that these words describe my experience with muffins, a delicacy of which there is never enough.

  36. Misty Malarky

    I can't wait for four – maybe eight! – years of hearing this kind of this fluffernutter pablum about our boarderline autistic president as our country molds and rots, just like an uneaten muffin stump.

    "Thousands Die in Atlanta Famine Riot – In Other News – President Romney Reveals How Many TImes He Has to Turn the Light Off and On While Giggling Nervously Before He Can Enter a Room".

  37. SavageDrummer

    How many licks does it take President Romney to get to the centre of a tootsie-pop? Film at 11…

    Edit: Typing "President Romney" always makes me feel dirty…

  38. Dashboard Buddha

    When will we see the type of hard hitting investigative journalism that will put to rest the persistent rumor that Rmoney eats small children raw?

  39. Come here a minute

    Mitt also eats his PBJ's with the crusts cut off. (He uses the Skippy/Welch's/Wonder recipe, of course.)

  40. BeefHardcake

    A lot of political reporting sucks.

    But that article takes the cake of suck. How fucking lazy and hack-y can you get?

  41. OneYieldRegular

    This is news? I mean, it's not like we didn't already know that Mitt Romney only eats the top of everything, leaving the bottom to waste.

  42. owhatever

    Once again, the Washington Times probes where the lamestream media will not go. Moonies everywhere are proud.

  43. mavenmaven

    "The price of a ticket, he concluded, was worth an entire day of enjoyment."
    That's what we need now, a man who believes that justice is something one can just buy off with some cash.

  44. mrblifil

    The author's description of how normal people eat a muffin is unintentional comic gold right there. Substitute "cock" for "muffin" and the analytical challenges pay off exponentially.

  45. paulf40

    Do you think he gets to write all of the muffin bottoms he donates to the poors off on his taxes?

  46. ttommyunger

    Kind of makes one wonder how he eats pussy……….HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I KNOW, HAHAHAHAHAHA!

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