QUIET ROOMS  5:43 pm August 25, 2012

Wonkette’s Guide to Gawker’s Scooper-Duper Bain Capital Documents, Pt. 1

by Kris E. Benson

Mitt Romney hugging his money before it's sent away to the Cayman IslandsIt was so kind of person or persons unknown to give 950 pages of Bain Capital records to Gawker, exposing (among other things) Mitt Romney’s financial portfolio, and tax avoidance strategies employed by Bain. BUT WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? It could mean a lot! Or nothing! There is so much information, and it is so complicated, so you are probably confused and maybe even angry, but do not panic, your Wonkette is here to help!

Fee Waiving

First, we must understand how private equity fund managers are paid. Hint: they do not get something as common as a “salary,” they get paid according to a structure called “2 and 20,” meaning that they “earn” a management fee of 2% of assets under management, and a 20% share in profits. Although the 2% is subjected to ordinary income taxes, the money from that 20% share in profits is treated as a long-term capital gain, so it is taxed at 15%.

But what if you are a fancy private equity fund manager and you don’t want to pay ordinary income taxes on that 2%? Managers then “waive” the 2% fee and instead ask for a portion of future profits. If it looks like there will be no future profits, they don’t get any money because it is a reflection on their leadership and management skills. Just kidding! Of course they get money, they are obscenely rich and therefore deserve money just for existing. Therefore, if it looks like there won’t be any future profits, they take a cash payment instead of waiving fees.

Is this legal?

Maybe. It’s definitely somewhat controversial among people who are not obscenely wealthy private equity chiefs and people who are obscenely wealthy but care about America and what happens when we are deprived of billions of dollars in tax revenue. Warren Buffett has argued that this 20% is really just compensation and should be taxed as such, but Blackstone cofounder and chairman Steve Schwarzman said that subjecting private equity chiefs to the same tax rates as Real Americans would be exactly the same as when Hitler invaded Poland (srsly) and of course, these are Job Creators we’re talking about so we must appease them at all costs.

Blocker Corporation

A “blocker corporation” is a corporation set up somewhere like the Cayman Islands so that money can take a well-earned break after all the hard work it’s done creating so many jobs for middle class American families. Kidding, it’s a paper company set up specifically for the purpose of tax avoidance. By “paper company” we don’t mean that it sells paper, like Dunder-Mifflin, we mean that it exists only on paper and for the sole purpose of acting as buffer between the investor and the fund holding the investments. If this is still not clear, we will refer you to financial statements for a Bain Fund located offshore and held by one of these paper companies that say the fund “intends to conduct its operations so it will … not be subject to United States federal income or withholding tax …”

Surely This is Not Legal

When Job Creators do it, it’s of course legal, duh. It’s also worth nothing that this practice is not too different from how a private equity firm is structured in the first place. When a private equity firm takes over another company, they do it in such a way as to minimize risks and reap rewards: they create another shell company to be the true owner. That way, none of the partners in the equity firm have any exposure to financial losses when a company is in trouble, but they can reap the gains when it does well.

Sankaty

Sankaty describes itself as follows: “With approximately $19.3 billion assets under management as of 7/1/2012, Sankaty invests in a wide variety of securities and investments, including leveraged loans, high-yield bonds, distressed/stressed debt, mezzanine debt, structured products and equities.” In other words, it is a hedge fund that invests in assets that we can politely describe as “distressed” but might be more aptly referred to as “very risky.” It also invests in companies that engage in the un-Christian pursuits of gambling, cigarette sales and manufacture, and tabloid publication.

What is it for?

Its purpose is to “help Bain work out its financing troubles” so it doesn’t have to depend on banks all the time. In other words, Sankaty invests in highly leveraged companies (companies with a lot of debt) or in distressed debt (debt from entities already in default, under bankruptcy protection, or heading towards bankruptcy).

Is THIS Illegal?

Doesn’t look like it. But it should be noted that Mitt Romney has a multimillion dollar stake in Sankaty, which he received in 2002 even though he pretend-retired in 1999. Also, he claimed he couldn’t find Sankaty’s list of investments, which is either because he’s embarrassed by the fact that it shows so many losses, or concerned about its stake in gambling and cigarette companies.

What does this all mean?

Well, this depends on who you ask. Forbes’ Dan Primack is under the impression that these documents are “worthless.” (Also, he says HE saw these documents MONTHS ago but felt that publication thereof would be beneath Forbes’ readers. Ah yes. We know how very discriminating Forbes’ readers can be.)  Anyway, Primack thinks that the documents are worthless because Bain is only doing what everyone else does, and if everyone is doing it, then it must be ok, so who cares and what are we even TALKING about this for?

Be that as it may, there is at least one person — a professor of law at the University of Colorado — who thinks that at least one of these business practices is illegal and wouldn’t survive an IRS audit. Of course, obscenely wealth people don’t get audited by the IRS so the joke’s on him. Or all of us. Or both.

And of course, Romney is still insisting that Bain Capital taught him skills he will very much need as president. Yes, these are all very important skills. Maybe he can set up the government as a shell corporation in the Cayman Islands and borrow against our national parks and then sell the states piece by piece to the Chinese, the Russians, and the Indians.

[Gawker]

 
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{ 306 comments }

bumfug August 25, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Mitt explains that it's no big deal in a simple, direct way that all Americans can understand: "Birth certificate!"

kittensdontlie August 25, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Mutton's is proud of his Scrap Metal Assembly Certificate that no one asks him for( by his obvious defects, a Made in China sticker is on him somewhere).

Come here a minute August 25, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Margo Roth Spiegelman does not approve of paper companies.

Madfall August 25, 2012 at 5:52 pm

I am just most amused (since I'm not smart enough to comment on the tax law) that RMoney and Gawker owner Nick Denton have their money in the same places.
Irony.

Designer_Rants August 25, 2012 at 6:04 pm

yep.

A couple of years ago, I wrote a mischievous little post about Gawker’s own links to the Cayman Islands, in which I pointed to Felix Salmon’s revelation that the Web site’s parent company had recently located to the Caribbean tax haven and asked why a smallish media company would choose to organize its finances like a hedge fund or a money-laundering operation. I knew Denton would get me back eventually, and he did, albeit inadvertently.

Read more <a href="http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/johncassidy/2012/08/the-gawker-romney-files-seven-takeaways.html#ixzz24b8lVyCu

” target=”_blank”>http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/johncassidy/2012/08/the-gawker-romney-files-seven-takeaways.html#ixzz24b8lVyCu

Madfall August 25, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Yeah, that's what I was thinking of. Admittedly Denton has never set himself up as a paragon of virtue compared to Romney, but it still tickles my funnybone.

Designer_Rants August 25, 2012 at 6:33 pm

It makes sense that Denton would not only pull all this financial shell-game shit, but that he would even know about it and understand it — He was a "The Financial Times" reporter.

I used to be a financial advisor for years, and if I ever win the lottery, I'll be in a position to understand how to invest my vast wealth since I'll have some recollection of the mindnumbing investment-vehicles and laws and strategies. Denton's now in a position to know how to shelter his/his company's wealth from taxes and transparency, or at least what's what when a team of tax attorneys pitch tax-avoidance strategies to him.

Back in 2008, during that week after Lehman Brothers declared bankruptcy and raised the curtain on the global credit crisis that would in short order serve as Nick Denton’s rationale for firing me and eighteen other Gawker staffers, Denton had asked me to write a post blaming journalists for the financial crisis. This idea bordered on lunacy, and I refused, even when he explained the foundation of his argument, which basically amounted to: he had worked at the Financial Times in the late nineties, and he said he’d tried repeatedly to write stories probing the potential dangers of unregulated derivatives and the stunning amount of leverage that went along with their use, etc., but his bosses invariably told him, in so many words, to bugger off.
http://www.cjr.org/cover_story/look_at_me.php?pag

RadioBowels August 25, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Mind-numbing = profits

sullivanst August 25, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Of course, none of the money is actually there. There's an address there from which their shell companies claim to operate, even though all their staff are in offices in the same building as their US companies, in the US. The only thing that happens in Cayman is the non-payment of taxes.

Maman August 25, 2012 at 5:52 pm

My brain hurts.

orygoon August 25, 2012 at 6:41 pm

No shit. I like money well enough, but not so much as to be an asshole about it, or to do weird gyrations over it.

After the first couple of million, wtf are you going to do with it anyway? As a socialist friend says, you can only wear one pair of shoes.

Designer_Rants August 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm

YOUR FRIEND DIDN'T BUILD THOSE SHOES!

Charlie_Foxtrot August 25, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Your socialist friend sounds like some sort of communist.

The point is not that I'm wearing only one pair of shoes. I have to have all the shoes because what's important is that no one else has a pair of shoes to wear.

Negropolis August 25, 2012 at 10:55 pm

You are a Very Bad American for not sucking the dick of Mammon, sufficiently.

No, but seriously, the American obsession with money is just plain bizarre. Do I wish I had more money? You bet I do. Will I view my entire life pointless if I don't end up a millionaire? Hell-to-the-no!

Fukui-sanYesOta August 26, 2012 at 12:41 am

I get similarly annoyed with the idea that a degree should only be to improve your job prospects.

Education and knowledge are the fucking cornerstone of an advanced society. A more educated society is a better society. Knowledge for its own sake is a laudable aim and should be celebrated, not condemned. "Liberal Arts" are so named because it used to be the province of the rich; the "liberal" meaning "free" as in free to study things which are in and of themselves not directly applicable to the industry of the time.

To run up tons of debt to study to be a lawyer (unless the law is your first love and you want to do it) is antithetical to the ideals of the renaissance and the enlightenment. I choose law as an example; Computer Science or an MBA would do just as well.

It's something that pisses me the fuck off.

James Michael Curley August 26, 2012 at 8:47 am

I truly lament the future of our society when I talk to some of the youngs getting into big money jobs after they hit the trifecta of 1. Right Parents, 2. Right Degree and 3. Right Connections and they look at me in confusion when I ask, "Did you learn how to learn?"

Chet Kincaid_ August 26, 2012 at 12:54 pm

You always sound like one of those Angry Brits that Americans love to have critique our singing, cooking and general intelligence on reality/game shows. I do not want you to taste my appetizer, I am very sensitive!

tessiee August 26, 2012 at 1:48 pm

"I get similarly annoyed with the idea that a degree should only be to improve your job prospects."

One of the annoying, scammy commercials they run for "schools" these days is an ITT commercial where one of the graduates says, "I feel like a better person…"

When I'm in one of my yell-at-the-TV moods, I yell, "You ARE a better person! You make more money now! That makes you a better person!"

tessiee August 26, 2012 at 1:50 pm

"I get similarly annoyed with the idea that a degree should only be to improve your job prospects."

Along with shifting pretty much the entire tax burden to the 99%, corporations have shifted the effort and expense of training people to the 99%, too. The difference is that we don't have the jobs we're paying (and usually going into debt) to train ourselves for.

Fukui-sanYesOta August 27, 2012 at 5:28 am

I look at the social mobility figures for the US vs France and it's embarrassing for the US.

There needs a big change in the US. Poor kids need to have opportunity which they don't have now. Fuck Gingrich, fuck Romney, there needs to be social mobility.

I get very angry about this.

bobbert August 25, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Because of the article? It's actually quite simple:

1. Find places where there is a bit of ambiguity in the Tax Code (which is fairly easy because Congress has been writing loopholes into it for at least a hundred years)

2. Lie.

3. Don't get audited, because you're rich

4. PROFIT!!!

See, easy-peasie.

Negropolis August 25, 2012 at 11:20 pm

Ah, yes, the "Magic Underpants Gnomes" program.

tessiee August 26, 2012 at 1:45 pm

"My brain hurts."

Are you wearing a handkerchief, and pants rolled up to your knees?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIlKiRPSNGA

C_R_Trogloraptor August 26, 2012 at 2:46 pm

"Gloves…Glasses….Mustache…Handkerchief… I'M GOING TO OPERATE!

One of my all-time favorite Python bits. Thanks!

CapnFatback August 25, 2012 at 5:53 pm

I hear that if you play Bain Capital's records backwards, the lyrics explain how to create a tax shelter for Satan.

nounverb911 August 25, 2012 at 6:11 pm

?daed si sumaeS

Biel_ze_Bubba August 25, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Actually, we run a non-profit hell (souls are carried in the asset column as tax preference items, and the brimstone is a business expense.)

coolhandnuke August 25, 2012 at 6:59 pm

B side: "Paul Ryan is dead."

CapnFatback August 25, 2012 at 7:30 pm

"I tapped Paul."

not that Dewey August 25, 2012 at 11:49 pm

"Turn me on, Mormon"

kittensdontlie August 25, 2012 at 9:57 pm

And reversing the satanic message from Stairway to Heaven played backwards, you get:
There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.

Odd coincidence, or cautionary tale, for Satan's handmaidens–the capitalists…?!!!

Negropolis August 25, 2012 at 10:57 pm

I heard if you say "Sugar Daddy" three times in a mirror in a quiet room, Mitt Romney will show up and snuff out your life…by stealing your savings…with votes, of course.

nounverb911 August 25, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Does it say what denomination Mitt uses as toilet paper?

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Isn't it Mormon? Like his magic underpants?

Callyson August 25, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Can't resist…AOTK.

VinnieSaltine August 25, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Mostly Jews and the Poors.

Negropolis August 25, 2012 at 10:57 pm

United Church of Christ and Muslins and clueless Evangelicals.

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Was Romney born in the Year of the Paper Tiger?

Callyson August 25, 2012 at 7:29 pm

That or the Year of the Hidden Dragon, which would give him something in common with his money.

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Ooh- turns out that 1947 was the Year of the Fire Pig, according to wikipedia.

BBQ, anyone?

IonaTrailer August 25, 2012 at 6:01 pm

*Some* countries tax rich people at a higher rate than the poor schmucks at the bottom, so that the wealth re-distributes throughout society. That seems to be an idea Amuricans can't grasp, understand, or handle. So they'll vote for some rich bastard on the basis that he must be awesome at running a government because he inherited a lot of money. How does that make any sense at all?

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Because shut up is why!

Biel_ze_Bubba August 25, 2012 at 6:18 pm

"That seems to be an idea Republicans since 1990 are unable to grasp, understand, or handle."

fify

Fare la Volpe August 25, 2012 at 7:00 pm

The same reason we had the divine right of kings: when you're born rich, you're just plain better.

IonaTrailer August 26, 2012 at 3:16 am

AND.. I just want to say that I don't think because some random rich person finds good tax attorneys who are good at sheltering money to avoid income taxes, is much of a recommendation that he's able to to run the world's largest economy.

That's all I got. Sorry.

WABishop August 26, 2012 at 7:50 am

Let me point out that the rich are taxed at the same rates as everyone else, it's just the extra that has higher rates. Federally, for the first $17,700 that anyone earns they pay 10%. Warren Buffet, Mitt Romney, the guy who hoses down your car at the car wash, it doesn't matter. If you make $17,700, you pay 10%. If you make more than that, you pay a greater portion of that extra to the government. For everything between $17,700 and $70,700 you pay 15% of those dollars; for everything between $70,700 and $142,700 you pay 25% of those dollars; and so on.

Rich people aren't treated differently than anyone else. We, like other countries, simply tax any extra money you have at higher rates. Why? Because you can afford it.

sewollef August 26, 2012 at 8:35 am

That's how the UK's tax system is set up I believe. But I think the issue here is Romney and people like him, barely pay ANY fed income tax, 'cos of Capital Gains, deferred tax, carried interest, etc and don't actually get a regular salary cheque like most employed Americans do, right?

WABishop August 26, 2012 at 11:31 am

Yes, I know, and that is not right. I was trying to make the point that we tax incomes, not people.

tessiee August 26, 2012 at 1:53 pm

"they'll vote for some rich bastard on the basis that he must be awesome at running a government because he inherited a lot of money. How does that make any sense at all?"

Because life is always fair, and all societies are meritocracies, and wealth is a reward for virtue; so if somebody is rich, he clearly understands the value of hard work and thrift, and is smarter, and just kinda…
aw, you know…
better than the rest of us.

Designer_Rants August 25, 2012 at 6:01 pm

I can haz Mittens in jail now?

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Biblically?

UW8316154 August 25, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Legitimately?

SavageDrummer August 25, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Retroactively?

Zango Crudmonger August 26, 2012 at 2:44 am

Posthumously. With votes.

StealthMuslin August 25, 2012 at 6:01 pm

All that's missing from this is Skylar White chain-smoking at the car wash…

BarackMyWorld August 25, 2012 at 6:28 pm

SHUT UP, MARIE! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

sullivanst August 25, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Only in this storyline, Hank is an IRS auditor.

Chet Kincaid_ August 26, 2012 at 12:35 am

What do you want to bet it ends with her poisoning him?

BarackMyWorld August 26, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Don't forget about the big-ass gun he bought in the season premiere flash-forward scene.

Native_of_SL_UT August 25, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Math is hard. <eyes glaze>

WhatTheHeck August 25, 2012 at 6:03 pm

We must never simplify the tax code or eliminate tax loopholes because every fool in the U.S. will want a piece of the pie. Keep ’em stupid and its all mine. Mine. Mine.

tessiee August 26, 2012 at 1:57 pm
Native_of_SL_UT August 25, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Why do I get this distinct feeling that someone at Bain does not love Mitt like he's supposed to?

Designer_Rants August 25, 2012 at 6:48 pm

It's Harry Reid. He's been a temp receptionist there for decades.

Chet Kincaid_ August 26, 2012 at 12:36 am

I thought you were going to say, "he's been banging a receptionist there for months."

Zango Crudmonger August 26, 2012 at 2:54 am

Reid's a Mormon, with only one daughter and four sons. Apex Alpha catfight in 3,
2,
..

rocktonsam August 25, 2012 at 8:28 pm

"lets see, who could it be? "SATAN!"

God love em anyways

Veritas78 August 25, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Someone at Bain is plenty pissed at Mitt. First, the dirt that he paid no taxes for ten years, and now this.

It must suck to have no friends except your money.

Fare la Volpe August 25, 2012 at 7:01 pm

"Money…why won't you look at me when we make love?"

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Because he has sex with dead presidents, he feels like he's presidential material himself?

Veritas78 August 25, 2012 at 7:59 pm

We're talking Salmon P. Chase here—and he's still wiping the cum out of his eye. Stuff stings, ya know.

Although, given that it's Mitt, he's prolly got some Wilsons sewn into his magic underwear.

billy_reuben August 26, 2012 at 7:44 am

Numismatic snark, FTW (golf clap)

viennawoods13 August 26, 2012 at 10:56 am

Well, Salmon P. really really wanted to be Prez himself, so it's the same thing.

OzoneTom August 26, 2012 at 11:17 am

Reminds me of the story when Miles Davis was invited to the White House and, not knowing who he was, Nancy Reagan asked him why he had been invited and he replied ""Well, I've changed the course of music five or six times. What have you done except fuck the president?"

PuckStopsHere August 25, 2012 at 6:09 pm

And if you still haven't avoided enough taxes (for Freedom) go buy your wife a god damn horse.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 25, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Mitt Romney has a multimillion dollar stake in Sankaty — and he can't say what the money is invested in?

Yeah, that's the sort of attention to detail I want in a President. "We got 30,000 troops out there, somewhere, I can't say exactly where…" "Spent $150 billion on something the other day, I can't say on what…"

Native_of_SL_UT August 25, 2012 at 6:23 pm

I just love the old "blind trust" argument.
If Mitt can't be trusted with his own money, why in hell should we trust him with ours?

deanbooth August 26, 2012 at 7:21 am

"Blind Trust" is their campaign strategy.

James Michael Curley August 26, 2012 at 9:59 am

Its also the name of a band that never got out of the garage in the late '60's.

tessiee August 26, 2012 at 1:59 pm

That, and "He's White".

bobbert August 26, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Vulture / Voucher 2012
Still Not Black

sullivanst August 25, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Especially interesting when the Ann Romney (not-blind-enough) Trust is 100% owner of at least one of the Sankaty management entities.

BerkeleyBear August 26, 2012 at 9:15 am

Yeah, and the trustee just happens to take exactly the sort of meetings with the Romneys Mitt based Ted Kennedy about in early 90s. And the "blind" investments include millions in a Tagg Romney company.

Bezoar August 26, 2012 at 11:15 am

do you mean bashed Ted Kennedy about?

Geminisunmars August 26, 2012 at 1:46 pm

He meant free-based.

ManchuCandidate August 25, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Somewhere Mittens is going "THANKS DAD!!!" in a sarcastic tone.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 25, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Those three years of "Going Galt" while negotiating his exit must have caused a little bit of blowback.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 26, 2012 at 12:51 am

BTW, saw an ad for "Atlas Shrugged, Part II" yesterday. When did they start making sequels for movies as shitty as this?

BoatOfVelociraptors August 26, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I was talking about the three years he didn't work while he was negotiating the Bain rights to the Romney name and rolodex.

Eric Cartman and John Galt are essentially the same person.

Calapine August 26, 2012 at 1:13 pm

The "fun" thing about this film is that they couldn't even get their 2nd rate actors to sign on again, so everyone is now played by different people.

And yes, Atlas Shrugged Part I lost money, so according to Randian law the series should be dead, but I suppose consistency is for suckers.

Geminisunmars August 26, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Someday soon Part I will be required viewing. They are just thinking ahead.

MinAgain August 25, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Cry "Audit", and let slip the dogs of the Big Four.

gogogodzilla August 25, 2012 at 8:45 pm

Whatever farm animal of war, Lana.

fuflans August 26, 2012 at 10:02 pm

well done.

Veritas78 August 25, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Y'all wanna look at this Gawker stuff. It's not what you'd want released a couple days before your coronation.

Romney may want to change the subject to his stance on abortion, or how successful RomneyCare™ has been.

LibertyLover August 25, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Does he have a wide stance on abortion? Wasn't Romenycare the precursor to Obamacare?

RRoccoco August 25, 2012 at 6:21 pm

"Romney rich" should be a new catch phrase, denoting uncountable wealth accrued by unspeakable means hidden in untaxable foreign "entitities" and noted on unviewable "tax" filings. As in, "That Russian heroin/mining oligarch isn't just stinking rich, he's Romney rich!"

Connotatively, it would mean something far, far too invested in its own folly and putrescence, as in, "Dude, I know you had a burrito for breakfast, but that last fart was just Romney rich!"

sullivanst August 25, 2012 at 6:21 pm

So far, the last paragraph is the most important. Mitt's business experience is entirely irrelevant to running a country, and if he truly believes it when he says that we should vote for him because of his business experience, that's so severe a misunderstanding of what a national economy is, it should disqualify him from consideration for office.

Oh, and I believe these documents come extremely close to answering one of the questions Romney has dodged in the past about his taxes. It seems almost certain that his IRA contains shares in companies incorporated in the Caymans that profit from leveraged debt, which means he's avoided a hefty tax by (nominally) offshoring his money.

spareme August 25, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Mitt's "business experience". Lets talk about that.

I own a retail store, its a small business, in that I gross over 3 mill a year with 17 employees. Since the economy turned, I let go 4 employees. It hurt to let them go. I have rehired a couple of them recently,.

I pay over 10 grand a month on their health insurance. I make sure the pension funds are invested in timely. Since 2008, there are times I have not taken a paycheck. I have done everything possible to keep my people employed, keep this business going, and keep myself from shooting myself.

I am still viable. And I will always be viable. 58 years in business helps. But.. sleeping can be difficult. I pay my taxes.

So tell me exactly what Mitt may know about running business. I guess he knows how to run his kind of "business", but tell me what he knows about running my kind – a labor intensive, family owned small business. I wonder if he could do what I've been able to do – abeit difficult. I rather doubt it.

NellCote71 August 25, 2012 at 9:22 pm

And would someone tell me how people like him are job creators except for tax attorneys and CPAs.

spareme August 26, 2012 at 9:19 am

One thing I know well – people have to have money in their wallet to spend money. Which means they have to be employed. That is what fuels retail.

Native_of_SL_UT August 25, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Since 2008, there are times I have not taken a paycheck. I have done everything possible to keep my people employed

Have we mentioned we love you lately?

spareme August 26, 2012 at 9:20 am

My employees make my world turn. I don't mind making theirs turn – they have small children, sick parents, etc. My child is grown and my parents are dead. I owe them the same respect they show me.

bobbert August 25, 2012 at 10:59 pm

Have you considered offering your story to the Obama campaign. Because this talk about Rmoney's "business experience" drives me crazy, and there has to be some way to get at least some people to realize that there is a big difference between business and finance, and that private equity funds do finance (when they're not ripping businesses off). The equity guys (e.g., Mittens) frequently know nothing about the mechanics of actually managing an enterprise of any size — they hire people to do that.

(There are exceptions — some venture folks made the money they now invest by actually starting and running real businesses. But this is not the case with Rombo).

spareme August 26, 2012 at 9:23 am

There are a million businesses out there in the same pickle I'm in. I gotta tell you that in 2003 I knew this was turning, the signs were everywhere, and took appropriate measures then – thank God. Everyone else thought I was nuts. Ok I am nuts, but everybody is still eating. As far as finance goes, I go to the bank from time to time, have been approached by venture capitalists – no thank you.

Fukui-sanYesOta August 25, 2012 at 11:31 pm

Preach it, my friend.

The idea that this silver-spoon cunt knows a goddamn thing about running small business is laughable. He's a capitalist in the truest sense of the word … in that capital makes the rules. He can make shell companies to bankrupt at no risk to himself, yet reap any rewards with no risk.

He's an utter cunt and would be awful for America. Also, too, best of luck to you.

spareme August 26, 2012 at 9:25 am

Thanks, and I completely agree with you. Business is NOT just about making money – it's also about creating relationships. We have made many. Worth every moment of time spend and sleep lost!

Chet Kincaid_ August 26, 2012 at 12:44 am

It sounds like your business either makes something other people want or provides a service that other people need. Mitt wouldn't know anything about that. Mitt made his money accelerating the demise of legitimate businesses that had weaknesses which could be exploited. I guess it's kind of like, if everyone hates the gay kid in your private high school, gang-raping his hairdo just speeds up the process of making his spot available to a normal kid.

spareme August 26, 2012 at 9:26 am

Service – automotive. I seriously doubt Mitt ever gets his hands dirty. Even me and my husband can turn the wrenches – and we are damn good at it.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 26, 2012 at 12:54 am

"I let go 4 employees. It hurt to let them go. "

There's your problem right there. Mitt likes firing people.

spareme August 26, 2012 at 11:47 am

I hire carefully. Most of my employees have been with me for a long time. It's unusual for me to have to fire someone, and the only time I 've had to lay off anyone was since all this shit started. So firing someone is something I have little experience with. I cannot wrap my mind around building a business plan with the element inside of it of ruining someones life.

sullivanst August 26, 2012 at 11:52 am

And people like you are exactly why small business owners are venerated – and rightly so – in this country. If only the waters hadn't been so muddied by the likes of Mitt's speaking "business"

It's always good to hear that some business owners are more interested in actually doing business than the nonsense they teach in business school.

spareme August 26, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Thanks. We love what we do. We respect our customers, employees, and competition. Business can be a good thing it you desire to be. And btw – when I started undergrad school, I started as a business major. One year later I ran screaming to the Art History department, where I earned my undergrad and MFA. Not knocking business majors, but I really just wanted an education. Always thought that you should learn business by doing business.

LagunaB August 26, 2012 at 8:09 pm

Thanks for saying so eloquently what the rest of us small business people do. Most people are employees and have no idea – will never know what it takes to run a small business. And I accept that, kinda.
My father had a small business and I thought I knew. I had no idea until I started my own company from scratch. So bravo to you.
I find it so unprofessional when people bring their political/religious views into their company. I would love to use my data base to extoll/ enhance my political candidates, but I can not. I work too hard to get and keep customers. My political opinion has nothing to do with my product. I have a very loyal following which I greatly appreciate.
Kudos.

sullivanst August 27, 2012 at 9:05 am

I'm gonna go ahead and knock business majors ;)

I inherited a latent mistrust of them from my father, seeing second-hand the horrific damage they wrought on an historic corporation (NCR; also seeing first-hand the despair it caused him watching his "superiors" ruin a good thing) with their endless restructuring and mindless quest for "savings" no matter how important the function associated with the cost line item was. In the course of implementing and then immediately reversing a switch to a "line of sight" business model, they cost themselves billions while allowing their competitors to overtake them in market areas where they had established complete dominance (at one point, they built something like 95% of ATMs installed in the UK). At some stage during this soul-destroying process, somebody somewhere decided the payroll department was pure cost, and slashed its staffing by half. The multi-million dollar embezzlement that ensued would, of course, have paid all the laid-off workers' salaries for years.

Another instructive anecdote about the value of what is taught in business school came, somewhat surprisingly, in an episode of Tabitha's Salon Takeover a few years back. It involved a salon owner who'd gotten into the business after graduating I think it was summa cum laude with an MBA from USC Business. Despite that accolade, she was unable to work out for herself that hair dressing is a service business that lives or dies with its ability to form relationships with its customers. It also never occurred to her that it was essential to have a good staff and this meant she'd need to have the first clue about cutting hair to be able to evaluate her staff. Finally, she never did the research to discover that hair dressing is a field in which constant staff education is necessary to allow them to keep up with the latest styles customers will be demanding.

And that is why I will always view an MBA with more suspicion than respect.

Someone who knows how their business works, someone who's capable of doing the job of their entry-level employees to at least some degree, someone who values their relationships with their staff and their customers, someone who understands the value their staff provides their business – someone like you, in other words – that is what I respect.

IonaTrailer August 25, 2012 at 9:17 pm

I work for the gubermint, and the idea that running a business magically gives you the experience in public administration is ridiculous. Public administration is mostly about programs and services the government runs that benefit people. You know, boring stuff like inter-state highway construction, air traffic control and health and human services.
It's NOT about making money. It's pretty much about spending money. (Something Mr. IonaTrailer says I excel at, I might add).

Native_of_SL_UT August 25, 2012 at 10:05 pm

You gotta stick with your strengths.

BarackMyWorld August 25, 2012 at 6:24 pm

"Wahh who me?"
-Mitt's accountant

Callyson August 25, 2012 at 7:32 pm

And that would explain why the required ethics class for accountants just became twice as long as it was last year…

LibertyLover August 25, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Somehow, Queen Anne Romney's interpretation of Mitt Romney's integrity is different than mine.

kittensdontlie August 25, 2012 at 10:54 pm

"You People wouldn't know integrity if Mitt bit you in the ass"–Ayn Romney to her adoring followers.

CarolinaStewPie August 26, 2012 at 12:30 am

When will they release their sex tape?

Boojum August 26, 2012 at 7:39 am

OhGodpleasenevereverever!!!!!

HistoriCat August 26, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Where's the downfist??

Chet Kincaid_ August 26, 2012 at 12:52 am

Carmela thought Tony was a great provider.

MissTaken August 25, 2012 at 6:34 pm

What was super-cute was after the financial collapse of 08 the ability to 'defer' management and incentive fees (instead of taking cash today and paying tax on them today, they will take a portion of the profits and then 'defer' payment of said fees, plus profits, until some time in the future and paying the taxes then) was made illegal. SOOOO…the super smart hedge and private equity funds created mini-masters, essentially circumventing the new rules and taking the fees as an allocation, taxable as cap gains instead of the traditional income. This is why regulating the financial markets half-assed does not work. You either have to go all in, or let asswipes like Romney do this shit they way they want.

However, Internal Revenue Code Section 457A, adopted as part of the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008, disallows such fee deferrals and requires hedge fund managers to take all existing deferrals into income by 2017. Mini-master funds seek to circumvent this rule by converting the performance “fee” into a performance “allocation.” http://www.hflawreport.com/issue/69

oenspiek August 25, 2012 at 7:53 pm

This is an awesome comment! Upfisting is not sufficient!

rocktonsam August 25, 2012 at 8:35 pm

this can't possibly sit well with any independent or self respecting tea party voter

is it to complex for regular people to sort out?

Fukui-sanYesOta August 25, 2012 at 8:54 pm

Think of the mental acuity of the average tricorn-wearing tea party person. You know, the people who can't even spell constitution.

No, they don't understand it at all. To them, Romney = rich because hard work and America, so he's ideal to create jerbs.

NellCote71 August 25, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Hey, they can't even spell moron correctly or distinguish between they're, their or there. Much less grasp the nuances most excellently explained by MissTaken, who certainly is not.

Fukui-sanYesOta August 25, 2012 at 9:50 pm

MissTaken's excellent post is quite possibly the best bit of explanation I've seen regarding these documents.

She deserves the fisting she's getting.

Chet Kincaid_ August 26, 2012 at 1:03 am

The Tea Party was a gigantic live-astroturfing operation, funded by rich fucks and foisted on the media without a single question of its legitimacy. So no, the old, white stooges they got to parade around making asses of themselves can't quite work out who Romney really is, and who cares if they can't? The point was to put on a pageant for the rest of the white voters who seethe with hatred every time they hear "Hail To The Colored."

Arborista August 26, 2012 at 1:26 am

The irony is that if either candidate qualifies as being OTHER, it's gotta be Romney. He's a Mechanical Mormon Missionary Millionaire- seriously, who can relate to that? Can you imagine him just having a conversation with someone who isn't likely to vote for him, turn a profit for him or convert to his religion?

tessiee August 26, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Mechanical MEXICAN Mormon Missionary Millionaire

Monsieur_Grumpe August 25, 2012 at 10:24 pm

I love it when you talk dirty.

kittensdontlie August 25, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Yes, what an exemplary explanation, and I am not a bit worried that she is a IRS secret agent, and will audit me for my tax avoidance scheme using kitty litter as a 'business' expense.

Boojum August 26, 2012 at 7:42 am

Is that where kitty does his business? Voilà!

comrad_darkness August 26, 2012 at 9:32 am

I worked for a records archive warehouse for which kitty litter was a business expense. The "Mice Removal Technicians" needed it.

Chet Kincaid_ August 26, 2012 at 1:25 am

All the Teabaggers cared about was that taxpayer money went to bail out those guys. Hedge fund dudes avoiding taxes was not their beef. This is how the nascent popular inquiry and outrage over what went down in 2008 got diverted into the same old, tired '80s complaints about "Negroes taking my tax money."

BerkeleyBear August 26, 2012 at 9:38 am

The sad reality is that all the regulation in the world is useless without a basic alteration of the default punishment system. Right now, too many fucking CPAs and attorneys get paid way too much (and oh so much more than anyone in those "overpaid" government jobs) to read and skew the regs just enough to slide in with an "opinion letter" that blesses something that everyone knows is skating up to or over the line. Of course, the letter isn't really there to provide an opinion of what the company should do, just cover to avoid significant criminal punishment and/or the worst fines. The best part is that once you write one such letter you can sell it for tens of thousands of dollars over and over again until some appellate court finally calls you on the bullshit contained therein, and then you can start over writing a new letter with a slight change.

Right now, laws have to be construed narrowly if they have a punitive element and if they are too vague they get tossed entirely. Which means we have created a perfect system for smart people to do perfectly "legal" things that we all know are scummy as hell. Couple that to the natural rationalizing capabilities of all humans and you get a whole class of people whose lives center around incredibly unethical behavior that are convinced they are actually "better" because they know how to overlook these lapses.

HistoriCat August 26, 2012 at 2:05 pm

So … needs more heads on pikes?

BerkeleyBear August 26, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Wouldn't hurt. But actually being able to nail the lawyers and CPAs who issue these shitty letters would be good, and in theory the professional ethics codes should keep them honest. Problem is you get into all that "vigorous advocacy" shit and the fact that all the lawyer has to have is a good faith belief in the argument (which is really easy to convince yourself of, let me tell you) to avoid disbarment.

I'd like to bring back real fiduciary relationships (where you have to act conservatively – and not like a nutty Conservative) with teeth for failure to provide solid advice, but I doubt it will ever be embraced.

tessiee August 26, 2012 at 2:05 pm

So the question then becomes, how will boner and turtle McConnell and their minions find a way block this and/or fuck it up? Because you know they will.

johnnyzhivago August 25, 2012 at 6:36 pm

President Romney will do due diligence and get a crack team of consultants in place to fix the USA. And then…

It's going to be a surprise to all the Red States when President Romney packages them up and auctions them off to India and China. That's right, he only will keep the productive Blue States in the NEW United States. The people who put him in office will be angry, but he will give a speech and ask everyone to "act professionally and patriotically" until their state is either shut down or their citizenship is transferred to a Cayman/Chinese holding entity.

He will also announce that he's banning all guns – even local police, making abortion legal – retroactively up to 21 years old and providing free honeymoons to all gays who want to marry. That defense budget? It's all going to Amtrak and the Post Office now. And Israel, who???

These are the breaks, Kansas! Gotta focus on your priorities and your new constituency…

bobbert August 25, 2012 at 6:53 pm

This is a wonderful fantasy. I'd settle for the second paragraph.

Fare la Volpe August 25, 2012 at 7:04 pm

…I don't object to any part of this. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

dmnolan August 25, 2012 at 7:27 pm

I like the part about the crack teams.

tessiee August 26, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Not if it means they all have plumber butt.

Negropolis August 25, 2012 at 11:03 pm

This is simply an awesome post.

Calapine August 26, 2012 at 2:05 pm

"[...]making abortion legal – retroactively up to 21 years[...]

I bet many parents of rebellious teenagers will love that option!

"Do your homework or mommy is going the have an abortion"

tessiee August 26, 2012 at 2:10 pm

"It's going to be a surprise to all the Red States when President Romney packages them up and auctions them off to India and China."

Although it would be poetic justice… India and China wouldn't want them, either.

Chet Kincaid_ August 26, 2012 at 2:14 pm

I don't get it.

Guppy August 25, 2012 at 6:38 pm

your Wonkette is here to help!

But to do what? Make me confuseder and angrier?

Native_of_SL_UT August 25, 2012 at 10:13 pm

"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: 'I'm from your Wonkette and I'm here to help.'"
Ronald Reagan

SayItWithWookies August 25, 2012 at 6:47 pm

I'd still like Romney to explain how being a wealthy business executive means he knows how the economy works. Being able to use financial instruments to extract wealth from companies you're allegedly helping doesn't really translate into knowing how to create an economy that works for every citizen — that's like saying that a successful leech is the equivalent of someone with a PhD in ecology.

On the other hand, he probably will know how to make already-profitable companies rich enough so that the economy looks good on paper — the winners just have to offset the losers to bring the average up enough, and that requires doing absolutely nothing.

Guppy August 25, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Being able to use financial instruments to extract wealth from companies you're allegedly helping

One word: colonialism.

poorgradstudent August 25, 2012 at 11:06 pm

The idea of people like Romney benefiting the economy does bring to mind the still relatively common practice of using maggots to clean necrotic wounds…

Bezoar August 26, 2012 at 11:30 am

Hey, maggot libel! And actually, maggots can be a big help in a dirty wound. Some of my best friends are maggots!

tessiee August 26, 2012 at 2:13 pm

"Being able to use financial instruments to extract wealth from companies you're allegedly helping"

A… guy I know… helps cars this way. Other people's cars.

LibrarianX August 25, 2012 at 6:49 pm

"Lucrum Punice Mammon dicitur"

BlueStateLibel August 25, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Shorter explanation: 950 pages of Bain Capital records = shady businessman is shady.

starfanglednut August 25, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Hi wonkette bitchez! I just got back from a week with no internet. I miss anything?

sullivanst August 25, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Mostly Republicans warring women.

Fare la Volpe August 25, 2012 at 7:07 pm

God is dead.

UW8316154 August 25, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Breitbart is dead, too.

dmnolan August 25, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Nothing is happening somewhere.

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Obama caved in to GOP demands & moved the hurricane forecast off to the west of Tampa.

Callyson August 25, 2012 at 7:34 pm

Nah, they've already told us people all we need to know.

eggsacklywright August 25, 2012 at 9:27 pm

"Heaven is a place
Where nothing ever happens."

– D. Byrne

Native_of_SL_UT August 25, 2012 at 10:22 pm

There was another mass shooting. This time in New York.
And in that typical New York kinda way, this one had an extra special twist to it.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Nope. We're still Doomed.

subsum August 25, 2012 at 6:57 pm

The more I learn about Mitt Romney the more I dislike him. I find Republicans repulsive as a general statement. My experiences with them have been less than pleasant as most of the ones I've met lack even the most basic traits of human decency. However, Romney is close to trumping all of them in my puke-o-meter. This guy looks like a true douchebag and when I remember the dog-on-the-roof episode I feel even worse about having to share the country with his sociopathic ass.

Fare la Volpe August 25, 2012 at 7:07 pm

Knowing Mittens, putting Rover on the roof was just a scheme for avoiding crate taxes.

UW8316154 August 25, 2012 at 7:17 pm

True dat. He's one of those guys that, the more I know him, the less I like him.

Negropolis August 25, 2012 at 11:13 pm

The most pitiful thing is that Romney has always been branded as the "sane" Republican. It kind of proves the point that the GOP is rotten all the way through from the crazies to the sane ones.

tessiee August 26, 2012 at 2:16 pm

"The most pitiful thing is that Romney has always been branded as the "sane" Republican."

Translation: Taller and more conventionally attractive than either Newt or Santorum.

Negropolis August 26, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Nah. More like a "sane" Republican is the Republican that decides not to say out loud the term "legitimate rape."

bobbert August 26, 2012 at 12:04 am

I was just reading an article on HuffyPoo (yes, I do that) where Rmoney was interviewed by Parade — which has to be the most innocuous interview imaginable — and they had a question from a reader that boiled down to "Will you bring your fucking money back into the US?" (some paraphrasing here).

And his response was "Well, you know I've got that blind trust. I'd have no problem with my money being in the US, but, gee, it's out of my hands".

There is so much dishonesty in that response that I am at a loss for appropriate words. The guy lies all the time. He allows his campaign to lie, and he lies in person. And he seems to be quite happy about it. I am normally leery of practicing armchair psychiatry, especially from news reports, but somehow the term "sociopath" keeps bubbling up in my mind.

Or, I could force myself to refrain from attributing mental illness, and simply say that I hate the motherfucking lying sack of shit.

tessiee August 26, 2012 at 2:18 pm

"And his response was "Well, you know I've got that blind trust. I'd have no problem with my money being in the US, but, gee, it's out of my hands". "

What a sniveling little prick.

tessiee August 26, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Agree wholeheartedly with every word — and yet, somehow, Paul Ryan manages to make Mitt look like freakin' Gandhi.

fuflans August 26, 2012 at 10:03 pm

even teh economist is having trouble.

not that Dewey August 25, 2012 at 6:58 pm
C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 7:07 pm

There is nothing that is quite as Wonderful as Money.

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 8:22 pm

I want Money. That's what I want.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 8:35 pm
DahBoner August 25, 2012 at 7:08 pm

SCAM SCAM SCAM SCAM SCAM….

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Thank you, Wonkette, for allowing us to distill into one simple sentence Mitt Romney's Financial Investment Philosophy:

"I'm All Right Jack, keep your hands off of My Stack!"

cheetojeebus August 25, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Hey! does Romney have one of those tiny 18" tall Giraffes? those are cool, and btw dibs on that big island in the mouth of the Hudson.

Callyson August 25, 2012 at 7:26 pm

And in a related story:

Republican Convention Delayed As Isaac Approaches

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/25/republic

God is coming and is she pissed…

Native_of_SL_UT August 25, 2012 at 10:30 pm

God is much happier this time around though.
At least she didn't have to get a hurricane all the way to Minnesota like she did last time they had one.

CarolinaStewPie August 25, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Silly librulz. MattMuttMiltMortMagicMikeUnderwearMeatMitchMaltMuteRomney is protecting his hard earned Millions from the grubby hands of the Gubmint. Don't you realize this makes him a great Patriot? He's creating jobs and honoring Jesus from the Caymans to Bern to Liechtenstein. Besides that, he's a tall white guy with a dancing horse who loves to shop at the hardware store. Don't you just wanna have a beer with him, and discuss your tax shelters?

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 8:16 pm

Sure, I'd like to have a beer with Mitt. Or even a cuppa coffee… Can we invite some Church Elders, too?

SavageDrummer August 25, 2012 at 7:38 pm

I'll buy Utah for $25 (CANADIAN)… But you have to fumigate first…

Fukui-sanYesOta August 25, 2012 at 8:56 pm

I'll chip in five quid British if you promise to turn Salt Lake Temple into a fabulous male-only bathhouse.

Native_of_SL_UT August 25, 2012 at 10:35 pm

SOLD!

tessiee August 26, 2012 at 2:20 pm

CANADIAN dollars???
*perks*
Yes, SIR!!

rocktonsam August 25, 2012 at 7:41 pm

I ll wait for FOX NEWS to sort it for me thank you very much.

now, beer me

Designer_Rants August 25, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Fox sez: 'Don't worry your pretty little head.'

Incitefully_Joe August 25, 2012 at 7:41 pm

So when Romney said that those Cayman accounts were actually funds set up so that foreign investors in US companies could avoid US taxes, that would be a lie? Or would you say it was more of a fucking lie?

NellCote71 August 25, 2012 at 9:44 pm

I would say it's a fuckng big deal.

Fred_Wertham_Jr August 25, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Supposedly, I learned this kind of stuff in college and this seems like a solid, well-written article. I've been getting my news at Gawker and my opinion and analysis at Wonkette for quite awhile so this all makes perfect sense to me.

salt_bagel August 25, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Now Romney's TOTALLY getting the women's vote. A guy that can provide but doesn't show it off is the seXXXiest..

ttommyunger August 25, 2012 at 7:54 pm

So, this makes Mittens a "Tax-Hole", amirite? (stolen without permission from Stephanie Millier Show, Current TV, M=F 9a-Noon.)

bobbert August 25, 2012 at 11:06 pm

Tax-Hole / ZEGS 2012!

mosjef August 25, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Would it be a problem if Romnuts were to accept his nomination in handcuffs?

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Can't speak for anyone else, but I'm down with that.

NellCote71 August 25, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Too bad Bush and Cheney aren't showing up. It would be a trifecta. Different charges, of course.

lulzmonger August 27, 2012 at 12:54 pm

EUGENE DEBS LIBEL!

Antispandex August 25, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Mayhaps all the Mittens has going for him is a birth certificate that red state crackers don't question?

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 8:31 pm

I was listening to a panel discussion – I forget who was on it – but a reporter from Boston was saying that the real problem with Mitt's Tax Returns for the time he was Governor is probably his state of residence listed on the forms.

By law, he should have declared Mass. his primary residence, but apparently he filed tax returns in Mass. and Utah and took deductions for each house as a primary residence. Something Frowned Upon by the IRS and subject to fines for the Little People. If Mitt was Governor and claiming primary residence in Utah at the time that would really be a big problem.

Even if this is just all bullshit, this Document Dump seems to me like a strategic distraction by Mitt and his team.There are probably a few nuggets of embarrassing things buried here and the rest is a pile of Not Much.
We'll all be busily attacking these docs and Mitt will be skittering away like a lizard who's just shed his tail for the Predator. The real embarrassing and illegal things won't be given up until after the election, if at all.

At least this seems reasonable now that I'm fairly well drunk.

Blueb4sinrise August 25, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Survived moving this nice old lady who has HUGE FUCKING ARMOIRS AND BUREAUS AND ONE PIECE FUCKING BOOKCASES AND SHIT!!!!

Get free food and
BEEEEEEEERRRRR!
NOW!!!!!!1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfQK4eihCIs&fe

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 9:09 pm

Good for you. I've moved more times than I'd like to think about and the answer is : Planning, Hand trucks, dollies, leverage, padding for delicate items and – above all – No Drinking until AFTERWARDS. That's it. Enjoy your Free Food and Beer now. You've no doubt earned it.

Excellent choice of the Santanna album. Thanks – it's been far too long.

Here may be a nice follow up: King Crimson (Live In Japan) .

tessiee August 26, 2012 at 2:28 pm

"Sheldon: Hold on. You honestly expect me to believe that social protocol dictates we break our backs helping Wolowitz move, and then he only need buy us a pizza?

Leonard: I’m sorry, that really is how it works.

Sheldon: You’re tricking me. You tell me the truth, what do we get?

Leonard: Raj, help me out here.

Raj: You get to choose between a mountain bike or a PS3.

Sheldon: I knew it! PS3, definitely PS3, who would pick a mountain bike?"

Fukui-sanYesOta August 25, 2012 at 9:05 pm

I'd pretty much agree with this. There's an awful lot of Rich Person jiggery-pokery going on, but El Willard will have paid a lot of money to consultants to perform said shenanigans in as sailing-close-to-the-legal-wind way as possible.

I doubt there's anything really damning here. I mean, it's obvious that he's just straight-up dodging paying his fair share, but hey – it's legal.

There's an interesting part in this article which directly relates to Willard, and it's how Bush fellated the rich. I'll blockquote the relevant:

Within months of taking office, Bush delivered a tax break to the rich that trumps anything he accomplished through the actual tax code. "The most important thing the Bush administration did in the whole area of taxes," says Johnston, "was to kill tax harmonization."

"Tax harmonization" was economic jargon for a joint project by the world's developed countries to shut down offshore tax havens in places like the Cayman Islands. At the time, such illicit havens were costing U.S. taxpayers $70 billion a year. For Republicans, going after big-time tax evaders should have been as American as apple pie. As Reagan once said of such cheats: "When they do not pay their taxes, someone else does – you and me."

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Thanks for that. Isn't it always the way, that the Little Man Behind the Curtain is fucking us all over while the spectacular Light and Sound Show is taking place onstage?

My only impossible wish is that these people would have devoted as much time and energy into actually doing their jobs and saving the world, that they put into screwing us all out of money for the Wealthiest people on Earth.

But I guess that would be Socialism. Whatever that means these days.

Fukui-sanYesOta August 25, 2012 at 9:44 pm

The Tax Harmonization argument (which got very little press, because it affected so few people in theory) was couched in terms of "we can't have them dirty foreign types messing with our jerb creators". It was mostly ignored and treated as common sense.

As it stands, tax breaks eliminate something like $1.2Tn per year of federal revenue. A significant amount.

Republicans, for all their sanctimonious "waaah deficit" posturing do not want to do anything about this. They want to cut "entitlement" programs (also, too, when did a social safety net become entitlements?) because they're socialist.

Oh man, I can go on and on about this so I'll shut up now.

Suffice to say: Fuck Republicans. Disingenuous cunts who want to fuck over most Americans for the benefit of the rich few.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 10:26 pm

My New Favorite Catch Phrase:

Republicans love Deficits as much as their Guns.

I may have invented this. Don't know right now as I'm too drunk.. However, it is true that for years the Republicans have wielded Deficits as a cudgel to attempt to eliminate any spending that they didn't agree with – often for purely ideological purposes. They're effective and invaluable tools for the Right Wing to use to remake the world into their own image. I think that's the real reason that Cheney said "Deficits don't matter."

It's no big secret. Gingrich, et. al. have been talking like this for years. We just haven't been paying attention to them.

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 9:14 pm

For me, the value of these docs has little to do with any embarrassments that might be found (although, I'm all in favor of that), but rather with providing a visual of the sheer bulk of gyrations that "those people" must go through to avoid paying taxes like "us people".

Regular folks don't have financial records that look like several drafts of some lengthy novel. Romney does.

Fukui-sanYesOta August 25, 2012 at 9:29 pm

When I was in the UK, I had a nice little number going where I could pay myself in dividends from my UK equivalent of a C-Corp and pay cap gains tax. If I managed the profit making correctly, I could avoid corporation tax and minimize my tax burden both personally and for teh company.

Then I moved to the US and figured I could do the same thing. Nope. That loophole is closed; a C-Corp (or equivalent) that pays dividends to a shareholding group in which there are fewer than three shareholders then it's counted as straight income. Again, for small business owners, that loophole is closed. For Rich Cunts, you simply pull Romney-style financial ninjary and it's all cool.

I did look at a British Virgin Islands holding company owning a Delaware C-Corp which bought out my UK company, but it costs far too much in administration and hassle to make it worthwhile because I'm not a multi-millionaire.

Small business owners get fucked, Romney gets to pay 13% tax.

Negropolis August 25, 2012 at 11:16 pm

This. What's damning, here, is the sheer volume, regardless of legality.

tessiee August 26, 2012 at 2:23 pm

"a strategic distraction by Mitt and his team.There are probably a few nuggets of embarrassing things buried here and the rest is a pile of Not Much.
We'll all be busily attacking these docs and Mitt will be skittering away like a lizard who's just shed his tail for the Predator."

Sheer fuckin' poetry.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 26, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Thank you, I am humbly flattered. I'm just happy that it made sense and didn't have any gross spelling and syntax errors, considering the lateness of the hour, the alcohol and anger involved in drafting it.

OurDailyBread August 25, 2012 at 8:53 pm

The 11 snarkiest words in the English language: " I am from the Wonkette and I am here to help."

weejee August 25, 2012 at 8:56 pm

♪♫ It's only Bain's paper moon,
Hanging over a cardboard sea
But it wouldn't be make believe
With an IRS audit you see ♫♪

BZ1 August 25, 2012 at 9:13 pm

name another businessman who became president other than that failed Texas Rangers guy, whatwazhisname, Bush? Oh, forgot Harding and Hoover, they turned out great, too.

Wadisay August 25, 2012 at 9:28 pm

The Job Creators ™ got a big tax cut in 2001 and 03, and want another one now. They will keep wanting and getting tax cuts until they have no taxes left to cut. Then they will want…human sacrifice.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 August 25, 2012 at 9:42 pm

This is slightly O/T (and late) but Jesus fucking Christ that forbes link is bullshit. That asshole is arguing for both literacy tests AND property as a component of VOTING? Fucking pigs, god I hate wingnuts. The "property" argument was settled so early in our national history by the very "founderz" these fuckers suggest they're following. These assholes think we should be Rome…need I remind anyone of what HAPPENED to Rome? Or the various rebellions in the early US? These assholes at least at one time had the common sense to keep this kind of classism and racism QUIET. But you know what, I'm glad they're blabbing about it. I'd also be happy to punch Flax right in his smirking, self superior and Randian mug by letting him know that as in the words of Bill the Butcher (as he tosses a butchers knife into Monks back): "that my friends is the minority vote" on his bullshit.

Fukui-sanYesOta August 25, 2012 at 9:48 pm

What the Forbes wanker fails to understand is that disenfranchisement via literacy tests and property ownership would eliminate a very large portion of the Republican base: the low-income white working class.

bobbert August 25, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Ah, as to the literacy test part (or the un-mentioned poll tax part), selective non-enforcement worked perfectly well back in the day.

Guppy August 25, 2012 at 9:51 pm

As near as my philistine ass can figure, that translates to "Profit is called 'mammon' in Punic."

"Non potestis Deo servire et mamonae" seems more damning.

AddHomonym August 25, 2012 at 10:07 pm

I gotta get me some structured products. Is that like hair gel?

Native_of_SL_UT August 25, 2012 at 10:42 pm

Viagra maybe?

mustangsavvy August 25, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Can we sell IL to Australia? Two birds in one stone for this Aussie ex-pat! I can have Medicare coverage again, oh happy day!

johnnyzhivago August 25, 2012 at 10:18 pm

OT, but night #1 is cancelled due to storm! Prepare to cancel the whole fucker!!!!

Negropolis August 25, 2012 at 10:48 pm

I love that the Forbes idiot thinks these are "worthless." Because it's a totally "worthless" political endeavor to dig through a multi-millionaire's (billionaire's?) proverbial garbage when they are running for president. lol This stuff is news even if every single thing Mitt has hits hands in is completely on the level, legally.

Seriously, anyone remember the Obama campaign's "How many houses do you own?" attack against McCain? Well, how many paper companies do you run? How many Cayman Islands accounts do you possess?

Worthless?! **snort**

Fukui-sanYesOta August 26, 2012 at 12:27 am

A new attack ad with Romney singing "America the Beautiful" whilst the details of his offshore tax-avoiding shell companies scroll up the screen might be in order.

RadioBowels August 25, 2012 at 11:46 pm

Dag, if only there was a way to settle this matter once and for all.

ElPinche August 26, 2012 at 2:25 am

Most everything is settled with a series of blowjobs

johnnyzhivago August 25, 2012 at 11:53 pm

OT – Frum is boasting that the convention's prime time speakers are 6 women/minorities out of like 11 slots…. Of course they had to scrape the barrel to get speakers like "the First Lady of Puerto Rico"

Ladies! Hispanics!!! Hispanic Ladies!!! This is going to actually scare their actual base away!

Fukui-sanYesOta August 26, 2012 at 12:26 am

Frum is a flip-flopper. I have a little time for him because he decries the tea partiers as extremist fools. However, he'll still sup the flavor-aid when the time comes to do so.

Arborista August 26, 2012 at 1:43 am

I hear that SC's own Tim Scott will be speaking. Bully for him. http://wapo.st/T44KOH

deanbooth August 26, 2012 at 7:31 am

I don't think it scares the base — it gives them cover: "Some of my best speakers are brown!"

Geminisunmars August 26, 2012 at 2:31 pm

And vaginal.

comrad_darkness August 26, 2012 at 12:36 pm

I don't think it scares them, it's like the mega church that spends 25 million on a new building then tosses a thousand at a homeless shelter. Everyone gets to feel good because they know there is no way in Satan's underpants that the money flow would ever get reversed.

Negropolis August 26, 2012 at 1:20 am

Okay I'm just picturing a Corona beach commercial with a Romney look-alike in a lounge chair on a white sand Cayman beach sipping from a old-fashioned glass bottle of whole milk with a lime on the lip wedged in the sand with the sound of the ocean in the background. His personal butler walks into frame with a silver platter; the butler takes off the top to reveal stacked hundred-dollar bills. You see the Romney actor pick them up with this left hand and just start cold throwing the money in the ocean for shit-and-giggles. The screen fades to black.

It could be this cycle's Mike-Gravel-throws-rock-into-pond-and-stares art house politial commercial.

Arborista August 26, 2012 at 1:35 am

Wonketeers in Lubbock, I'm sorry, but the UN denies that they're coming to liberate you: http://blog.foreignpolicy.com/posts/2012/08/24/un

For your sake, I hope they're bluffing…

Negropolis August 26, 2012 at 3:25 am

They are denying it to lull us into a false sense of security when Obama requests the invason in his second term! That they deny it means that they want to do it!

Chichikovovich August 26, 2012 at 7:58 am

No, no, no!!!! They didn't deny it!!! From the link:

"It's absolutely ridiculous," said U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon's spokesman, Martin Nesirky, when asked if the United Nations had any plans to invade Texas.

Ban Ki-moon [Pffft. Like that's a real name.] said it is ridiculous. But he didn't say it won't happen. Classic non-denial denial.

Remember, Napoleon's winter invasion of Russia was ridiculous too, but that didn't mean it didn't happen!

WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!!!!!!!!

Negropolis August 26, 2012 at 9:07 pm

You know who else invaded Russia during winter?

ElPinche August 26, 2012 at 2:59 am

Okay, now who's gonna break the news to Chris Cillizza , Chuck Todd, Wolf blitzer and all those other brainless fartbags? Just send a note to Obama's campaign, they'll make an ad out of it and do the media's fucking job again.

dennis1943 August 26, 2012 at 7:07 am

Morality is only a simple concept to the rest of us……………

Fukui-sanYesOta August 26, 2012 at 7:57 am

The US was formed from Enlightenment thinking,

There is no absolute morality. That's very hard to grasp for most fuckwits.

dennis1943 August 26, 2012 at 8:53 am

Moi?

dennis1943 August 26, 2012 at 9:06 am

I grasp but reject………….

deanbooth August 26, 2012 at 7:17 am

What Bain does is just like what Wonkette did when it got rid of the downfist button. We all benefit from p-gain without the risk of p-loss.

P.S. Well done, Kris!

Veritas78 August 26, 2012 at 2:08 pm

ALTHOUGH… I have noticed apparently-new posters waltzing in with unbelievably high p-nesses, like 114 and 123 and such. Having labored in the vineyards of lame humor attempts to attain only a meager (and hard-won) 101, I feel like some rich bastard has just gamed IRAs to shelter $100 million.

Clearly, this deserves a Wonkette exposé. Are p-ness ratings being sold on the black market? Are "friends of Becca" being launched with starter balances of p-ness? Did they make extra drinky contributions? In short, what's it take to get a big p-ness?

Geminisunmars August 26, 2012 at 2:37 pm

I wondered about that too. I postulated (to myself, yes I am a self-postulater) that maybe they came here from some other site that uses Intense Debate?

LagunaB August 26, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Yes. I noticed it as well.
My conclusion is that I base my opinion on what is said, not by p points.
There are people I am not interested in and I don't read their postings.
And people I am very interested in what they say based on their previous comments.
The p-ness is superfluous based on the current basis for awarding p points.
Should I just delete my account now? Nah.
Safe trip Rebecca!

Chet Kincaid_ August 26, 2012 at 8:17 pm

Good advice. Obsession and jealousy around pee-points is ludicrous and juvenile. The system is opaque and arbitrary, and the prize is bupkis. Getting rid of the downfist is the best thing that ever happened to this site, as it killed scores and scores of threads about pee and upfists and whining and gnashing about trolls power-downfisting, and begging other people to upfist, and scores of people responding that they had upfisted, on and on ad nauseum.

ahnc August 26, 2012 at 8:40 am

Nothing says Patriot better than putting your money in off shore tax havens to avoid paying American taxes.

RadioBowels August 26, 2012 at 9:59 am

And don't forget the proud obfuscation, brave denials and freedom-loving paper trail. The founding fathers would be delighted. And they certainly didn't envision the "marxist" weakling that we have today.

comrad_darkness August 26, 2012 at 10:09 am

Come on, it's not like we have wars to pay for.

comrad_darkness August 26, 2012 at 9:38 am

Capitalism, to function properly, needs risk. Real, your ass is on the line risk. Bain and Romney really show how screwed up even capitalism is right now. Make big gambles with other peoples money under a shell corporation that can just declare bankruptcy if the deal sours. No losses, great gains when the stars align but from someone else's sweat. That's it. Not a single piece of that is healthfully functioning capitalism. It's just wealth-concentrating theft by paperwork trick and regulatory capture. The fact that supposed capitalists fail to be the most vocal critics of Bain's business methods show what scared hypocrites they all are.

Capitalism is only a tool to beat the middle class to death and the silence of the elites that supposedly make this big business game work the benefit of all, proves that.

Chet Kincaid_ August 26, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Intelligent people started talking and writing about this way back in the '80s. The MBA boom of the '80s seems to have kicked off a lot of this stuff. The ways to make huge money without actually working and risking anything have simply gotten more and more exotic, like the difference between Newtonian and Quantum physics.

gurukalehuru August 26, 2012 at 10:23 am

The biggest news out of Florida today is not the convention, or even Hurricane Whatsisname….Charlie Crist endorsed Obama!

weejee August 26, 2012 at 10:36 am

Thanks for that guru. Our Wonkette and a cup of coffee – best way ever to get yer newz.

proudgrampa August 26, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I have always said that Wonkette is my only source for news and porn.

carlgt1 August 26, 2012 at 11:35 am

that's nice, I'm sure we'll soon hear the drumbeat & bleating that Crist is a "gay RINO"……

Geminisunmars August 26, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Does that mean we have to like him now?

Negropolis August 26, 2012 at 9:14 pm

What a surprise! Not. This would have been about as much news as him coming out.

Sharkey August 26, 2012 at 10:28 am

What is disturbing is that Wonkette actually knows these facts.

Misty Malarky August 26, 2012 at 11:02 am

FUN FACT: Alex Sink, the Democratic gubernatorial nominee defeated by Rick Scott, is a direct decendant or Chang Bunker – one of the original SIamese Twins.

christianmuslin August 26, 2012 at 11:32 am

If the Duke of Romney will be selling the individual states to other countries, when do we get to vote on which ones will go where? Can we sell the vertical middle row of blue states (Texas to North Dakota) en bloc to Iran?

Bezoar August 26, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Huh? Aren't those red states?

Negropolis August 26, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Exactly.

Basij, meet the Tea Party. Tea Party, Basij.

Blueb4sinrise August 26, 2012 at 11:47 am

Ahem.

Blueb4sinrise 110p · 20 weeks ago
There's a part of me that wants a storm just big enough to churn up a couple thousand barrels of BP crude that's maybe still floating around mid-depth in the Gulf, and dump it on the beach.
Delete
Reply
1 reply · active 20 weeks ago
+2
Biel_ze_Bubba's avatar – Go to profile

Biel_ze_Bubba 124p · 20 weeks ago
A storm (fueled by global warming) that dumps in in the convention center would be much, much better.

not that Dewey August 26, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Is it any surprise that Biel_ze_bubba has advance knowledge of these kinds of things?

proudgrampa August 26, 2012 at 12:19 pm

With that kind of forecasting ability, you two should create your own Private Equity firm. Call it B and B Capital.

Fare la Volpe August 26, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Since when has accuracy in predictions been necessary for equity firms?

C_R_Trogloraptor August 26, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Now look what you two did. Aren't you ashamed of yourselves?

Yeah, I'm not either.

Geminisunmars August 26, 2012 at 2:45 pm

With power like that, maybe you guys could make some other predictions that we'd like. I'm sure I don't have to make it any clearer than that, what I'm talking about.

Chet Kincaid_ August 26, 2012 at 1:11 pm

OT: Here is Crist's column endorsing Obama:
http://www.tampabay.com/opinion/columns/article12

johnnyzhivago August 26, 2012 at 2:52 pm

wow…

C_R_Trogloraptor August 26, 2012 at 3:09 pm

"And the president invested in our retirement security by strengthening Medicare. The $716 billion in savings his opponents decry today extended the life of the program by nearly a decade and are making sure taxpayer dollars aren't wasted in excessive payments to insurance companies or fraud and abuse. His opponents would end the Medicare guarantee by creating a voucher that would raise seniors' costs by thousands of dollars and bankrupt the program. "

That's just one paragraph. It's awesome and the Republicans have shifted into panicky overdrive on the chatter shows trying to discredit him.

BerkeleyBear August 26, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Well they can't have anyone exposing their potential voters to facts and logic. All their careful conditioning would be undone.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 26, 2012 at 3:41 pm

If this even makes it to FOX "News" the chyron crawl will likely read:

Charlie Christ (D) or Charlie Christ (I-Fucktard)
or Charlie Christ (Communist-Fascist-Atheist)

Fukui-sanYesOta August 26, 2012 at 4:41 pm

As Republicans gather in Tampa to nominate Mitt Romney, Americans can expect to hear tales of how President Obama has failed to work with their party or turn the economy around.

But an element of their party has pitched so far to the extreme right on issues important to women, immigrants, seniors and students that they've proven incapable of governing for the people.

The truth is that the party has failed to demonstrate the kind of leadership or seriousness voters deserve.

Yoinks.

Nesnora August 26, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Damn it, here I am waking up at 1pm to have some morning drugs and orange juice, only to be reminded that I COULD be learning how to steal millions of taxpayer dollars to fund my real life My Little Pony dressage competitions.

He must get up very early in the morning.

BlueStateLibel August 26, 2012 at 1:44 pm

OT: I had a prophetic dream last night wherein I was carefully explaining to Mittens why he lost the election. "Think of Bill Clinton," I told him. "Sure he had his flaws. But you could tell he actually cared about people, and he came off as a human being. You don't." He just glared at me with his cold robot eyes.

ElPinche August 26, 2012 at 6:03 pm

He wasn't really looking at you . His CPU was busy processing and transferring cash to Caymans.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 26, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Condoleezza Rice: "No one could have predicted that Tampa would be affected by a hurricane in August."

tessiee August 26, 2012 at 3:50 pm

This may actually be the most WIN of anything, ever.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 26, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Why, thanks! Actually I was considering going with:

August 6th RNC Daily Briefing: "Isaac determined to strike in U.S."

Fukui-sanYesOta August 26, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Needs moar Luntz

"Immigrant weather determined to undermine Republican free speech"

C_R_Trogloraptor August 26, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Perfect! Let's not forget Rush Limbaugh:

"We need to remove Laura K. Furgione. We don't want the smoking gun to be a funnel cloud over Tampa."

Auntie_Spinster August 26, 2012 at 9:34 pm

The Commandant in Chief has proclaimed it's time once again to look forwards, not back.

Fukui-sanYesOta August 26, 2012 at 12:21 am

Cheney was quoting Reagan.

Stockman (Reagan's budget expert) is on record saying that running up the deficit and national debt was a deliberate ploy to give an excuse to cut entitlements. He's now recanted and said it's gone too far. Again, this is Reagan's budget director.

It's all insanity.

Negropolis August 26, 2012 at 3:27 am

In quiet rooms. Essentially.

Designer_Rants August 26, 2012 at 10:48 am

And strapped to a car roof.

not that Dewey August 26, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Forcibly.

Geminisunmars August 26, 2012 at 1:41 pm

To two Cadillacs.

Designer_Rants August 26, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Cadillacs that are just the right height.

MissTaken August 26, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Thanks sweetie! Sadly, this is what I do for living. It's amazing I don't go postal every day in the office.

spareme August 26, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Yeah, I keep all that out of the workplace too. Three things that do not work are discussing politics, discussing religion, and screwing each other. Everyone has their own churchs, tv's and partners.. And you sure don''t know what someone goes through to create, start, own, and KEEP a business until you have walked in our shoes. Mitt: do you hear me?

Fukui-sanYesOta August 27, 2012 at 5:30 am

An ex of mine used to work for PWC and I appreciate what you do.

However, I appreciate your comments even more.

spareme August 27, 2012 at 9:29 am

I saw that episode as well, watched it in utter disbelief. She clearly could not connect with anyone. In my business, I have always thought that getting into someones car is akin to the owner letting you into his closet – and to allow someone to hand over their cherished asset for care to me is a personal thing. To do a good job is the duty I have to that person.

As far as the education thing – my big teen age plan was to get my CPA, go to law school, which pleased my artist father enormously. I cannot tell you how pissed off he was when I went into Art History, and at the same time how pleased he was. He told me I was gonna starve with those degrees. I married into this business, we bought the family out, and have worked side by side with him for other 30 years, and haven't missed a meal yet.

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