YOUR SATURDAY NICE TIME POST!  1:17 pm August 25, 2012

Mazel Tov And L’Chaim To That SC Governor Who Ran Off To Argentina And His New Mistress Betrothed!

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Look, it looks like a vag and a cock!Oh happy day! We awake to the joyous tidings that former governor Mark Sanford (R-Appalachian Trail) and his lady love, that chick he was flying off to South America to bang, have sealed their passions with an engagement! It’s like a fairy tale, you guys!

The [Argentine] paper [Clarin] said Sanford arrived early at the restaurant and gave “a bag with the (engagement) ring to one of the waiters,” asking him to “to invent a good story for his girlfriend.”

Sanford then hid in a bathroom.

So now Mark Sanford is a bathroom goblin as well? This is excellent news for Larry Craig!

When [Maria Belen] Chapur arrived, the waiter said she had won “a prize” for being the 100th customer of the day and handed her the bag, which she opened, finding the ring. Sanford then appeared.

“What followed was a long moment of kisses, tears and emotions. There were heartfelt words and promises of eternity,” according to the Clarin article.

Your Wonkette, like GOP convention delegates, does love a happy ending. But let us not forget the travails Sanford and his soulmate endured along the way!

There was the media riding his ass. There was the censure of his party. There was all the finger-pointing and blame-gaming when all Mark Sanford wanted was to carpe his diem and entwine flowers in his true love’s hair. There was his wife, just being hella cunty about him disappearing with that Argentine tamale. Why do wives always have to be so cunty about their governor husbands publicly abandoning them? Wives suck!

Good luck in your next marriage, former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford and that chick you boned so much!

[TheState, via PoliticalWire]

 
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{ 201 comments }

carolinaswamp August 25, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Sanford is notoriously cheap. His beloved might want to have a trusted jeweler look at that ring before taking out a special insurance rider to cover it.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 3:03 pm

His beloved's been married before, and probly, like all "it'll work THIS time" layDeez, knows exactly what to do.

Boojum August 25, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I mean, srsly, like she was using him.

Maman August 25, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Awww. Good luck to the 2nd Mrs. Sanford, your husband will soon be searching the Pampas for his newest soulmate.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 3:26 pm

As a person who made the serious mistake of cheating on a beloved once, I just want to say if you'll cheat on one person, you'll cheat on them all. I came to terms with my inability to be monogamous. But it's a constant negotiation, and monogamy/fidelity is one issue that can break a relationship. (Children is the only other one I know of.)

I'm speaking from experience. He'll be looking again, soon enough.

kittensdontlie August 25, 2012 at 4:40 pm

We are all Appalachian Trail hikers today,…and Pampas hikers in the near future.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 4:57 pm

I'ma be a Pampers hiker, if you don't mind. I'm too old for that shit.

Dudleydidwrong August 25, 2012 at 10:16 pm

After a few months in the wilds of Argentina one of those alpacas will start looking pretty good to the former gov.

MosesInvests August 26, 2012 at 12:10 am

Hiking the Andes Trail?

Callyson August 25, 2012 at 1:25 pm

the waiter said she had won “a prize” for being the 100th customer of the day and handed her the bag

I can't wait to hear what the prize is for being the restaurant's 1 millionth customer…

Fare la Volpe August 25, 2012 at 3:00 pm

A better husband.

DemmeFatale August 25, 2012 at 7:51 pm

How lame to make the waiter think of a story
Outsourcing his own marriage proposal.
What a douche!

SexySmurf August 25, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I think it will last for eternity just like how I thought Kim Kardashian and Chris what's-his-face would be together forever. Also, I'm a moron.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 3:27 pm

You *so* didn't, you little blue-assed cynic.

savethispatient August 25, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I don't know, these Governors, going over there, stealing their women, living happily ever after*. What's the world coming to?

* Here's hoping!

NellCote71 August 25, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Probably just marrying her to get Argentinian citizenship.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 26, 2012 at 9:30 am

He must be expecting Romney to win in November. If he's right, Argentinian hotties can expect a whole lot of attention from Americans later this year. (Excuse me while I brush up on my Spanish…)

VinnyThePooh August 25, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Will they be dancing to Salsa with banjos?

ChillBill August 25, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Salsa is a Caribbean dance. Argies dance Tango, Vinny.

tessiee August 25, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Tangos with banjos won't work either, I don't think, but it does look pretty cool written out.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Will you tango to my banjo, mi amoooor~!

Sounds like it could have a nice rhythm, too.

tessiee August 25, 2012 at 5:36 pm

All banjos: "Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!"

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Row faster!

orygoon August 25, 2012 at 1:29 pm

"It's like a fairy tale, you guys!"

I can't wait for the parts with the wolves and ogres and haggy witches. The kissy bits are bo-ring!

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 3:31 pm

OK, so, like, are you my little sister or my little brother wut's logging in secretly to mess with my head?

Because that's how it was when we wuz kids watching movies together, yaknow. (Still is. Loud cries of "Oh jesuschrist they're kissing, eww" punctuate the "OHMIGOD! DID YOU SEE THAT?" and all the heavy breathing during the wolves/ogres/haggywitches parts.)

orygoon August 25, 2012 at 3:46 pm

oh BUSTED! Well, not really, but I am available for a sibling adoption. I always wanted and never had a brother, and my one sister died tragically (is there any other way? I guess not) early in the nineties.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Consider yourself adopted, then, sweetie. Goodness knows I love all my Wonkz, and adoption just lends that extra soupcon of perviness to my ever-helpful *LEERS*. (Leers at orygoon very helpfully)

(Also hugs orygoon in a totally non-pervy siblingish sorta way)

orygoon August 25, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Aw, break out the bubbly! How splendid. I will try not to be overly bratty, and loyally upfist you forever, and call on you to beat up all the bullies.

Misty Malarky August 25, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Ten bucks say he discovered his next soul mate while crouching in that bathroom stall next to the big peephole…

jakegittes August 25, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Larry Craig?

Blueb4sinrise August 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Wives suck!

Hah! Guess again!!

Lot_49 August 25, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Is it Chris Rock who says the reason the groom at a wedding always looks sad and bewildered is that he knows he's had his last blowjob?

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 3:32 pm

It's an old Jewish joke.

Lot_49 August 25, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Ha ha, it’s funny ‘cuz it’s true!

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 4:25 pm

I find chocolate sauce helps a lot with that. Teh LayDeez r known to have a sweet tooth.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Yeah, we all know better.

ThundercatHo August 25, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Do too! Well, some of us anyways.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 10:07 pm

I figure if your partner makes it worth your while, you will, and if he don't, you won't. Works for me.

Dudleydidwrong August 25, 2012 at 10:20 pm

It's just like we used to say about new cars: If you break 'em in fast, they run fast.

sbj1964 August 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm

So much for Republican family morals,and values.Hypocrites.

Barb_ August 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Why outsource mistresses? What's wrong with good old American mistresses?

ChillBill August 25, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Dunno…maybe she likes 'em skinny?

OneYieldRegular August 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Or, as the old Jane Russell joke goes, "What do those South American girls have below the border that we girls don't have?"

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Your Husband.

Negropolis August 25, 2012 at 11:28 pm

ROTFLMAO!

That's what she said.

Maman August 25, 2012 at 2:33 pm

He hates America.

or his wife got it in the divorce

Fare la Volpe August 25, 2012 at 2:50 pm

aka The Gingrich Plan

gogogodzilla August 25, 2012 at 2:51 pm

They work cheaper overseas. Duh.

Guppy August 25, 2012 at 3:36 pm

South America is in that part of the world where Protestant marriages don't count.

parink August 25, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Palimony?

Arkoday August 25, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Public restroom romance? Staying true to his party ideals.

Wonder who paid for THIS flight.

LibertyLover August 25, 2012 at 2:00 pm

To be fair, It was probably a very nice bathroom. It probably didn't even have one scrap of toilet paper on the ground or sticking to anyone's shoe or anything.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Restroom romance. Low Rent Rendezvous.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 3:33 pm

(opening lines of a Tom Waits number) ^^

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Heh heh heh. Here's an appropriate one also.

At least, the title is.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Baby, baby. Was this before or after he stopped drinking? 'Cause that is a seductive whisky-'n-cigarettes voice as I EVAH heard. I should be lying on the cold marble tile with a bottle cradled in one arm as I listen to this.

eggsacklywright August 25, 2012 at 1:36 pm

In his mind, Sanford is now the Guy Caballero of the Savage Pampas.

OzoneTom August 25, 2012 at 1:40 pm

So the cow had cut off his free milk?

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Don't call Ms. Chapur — oh, sorry, Mrs. Stanford II — that. She's an extremely attractive lady.

Mahousu August 25, 2012 at 1:41 pm

No joke, she does look like a hiker. Good match.

Fare la Volpe August 25, 2012 at 2:56 pm

"Is your wife a hiker? Eh? Eh? Does she like to take a trip? Eh?"

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 3:00 pm

"Nudge-nudge!"

SnarkOff August 25, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Dare she wear white?

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Doubtless, she'll wear something utterly elegant in cream, eggshell, or off-white. With her coloring, it'll be more flattering than white anyway. Is that even an issue these days? Every celebrity whore who's had more men in her vagina than the Sahara Pipeline seems to wear white at the wedding.

ThundercatHo August 25, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I would probably stop being hella cunty after hiring an attorney who could actually smell blood in the water and took the motherfucker for all he was worth and then some.

berkeleyfarm August 25, 2012 at 2:25 pm

I seem to recall hearing that most of the money in the marriage was hers anyway. I am definitely Team Jenny on this one.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I don't really know either of the people involved, but she's the one with all the money. She's pretty much permanently wrecked his political career already (and he deserved it). I think (based on nothing but instinct) that she's a cold, calculating, domineering person, and while he's no better, I suspect their marriage was pretty much hell for him. He was greedy enough to think he could stand it for as long as it took to build other things in his life that he valued. He was wrong. She has her sons, and a new boyfriend, her money, her career, and pretty much everything she walked into the marriage with. He doesn't have much but the girlfriend, and I suspect eventually the girlfriend will dump him, because a man with nothing is not very attractive at all.

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 4:43 pm

They both come from money, but she has more, I believe. I doubt she would be able to tap him for much more than child support & I think the sons are all in their teens? She may have wrecked his career, but she's also the one responsible for it. She was able to divorce him, but SC was stuck with him until his term was up.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 4:56 pm

She comes from one of the wealthier American families. Big $$. He's not poor, Republicans rarely are, but it's nowhere near her family's kinda money. And yeah, the kids are all growed up, I think at least two in college. Not only is SC stuck with him, but they voted his goddamn clone-protege into office, din't they? What a fucking caravanserai of dunces. Sorry. I'm feeling pretty hatey-stabby with all the rapey talk from the Republicans.

fuflans August 25, 2012 at 6:17 pm

i went to the same high school as jenny (small girls school in far north shore suburb of chicago). i'm a bit younger so didn't actually know her but i think the she was not disliked.

and — at least in my time – there were some serious bitches vying for the title.

what i really want to know is how you go from chicago burbs to SC and not lose your mind.

(btw i am NOT from a family like that. we were solidly upper middle class but not serious $$$$ – and thanks to the bush years, my parents are no longer either upper middle class or republicans. however, i was handful and my mother thought i would benefit from a smaller girls school. no idea if she was right but mr. fuflans tells me i am still a handful).

ThundercatHo August 25, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Sorry sweetie but I must take exception to your assertion that his wife wrecked his political career. I believe he did that all on his own. I only saw one interview with her and she didn't seem cold and calculating but deeply hurt. Regardless, these holier-than-thou, born-again hypocrites give me a royal pain and I have not an ounce of sympathy or a shred of respect for the lot of them.

littlebigdaddy August 25, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I'm hoping she's a tranny.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Borg-Warner Libel!!1!!!11!

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 4:27 pm

You leave me outa this, CRE.

finallyhappy August 25, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Do they have a wedding registry yet?

not that Dewey August 25, 2012 at 1:56 pm

je je je

weejee August 25, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Hey Zeus also, too.

Blueb4sinrise August 25, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Related: Jelly Roll Morton "Murder Ballad" from Lib. of Congress recordings. Yes, it is vile and obscene, and goes on for 30 minutes .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8uBGte6eIM

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 2:35 pm

"…vile, obscene and goes on for 30 minutes". Just the way we like it.

All things considered, I hope their Spanish Pipedream works out for them.

Blueb4sinrise August 25, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Ahhhhhh.

That's what you get….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmvLjlvQzUs

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Well, what do you expect? She's Red Hot.

Blueb4sinrise August 25, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Not a Paper Doll. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lmJ-ZWSOA8

[gotta go move furniture...it may not hit 100 deg. today so should be a piece of cake]

Barrelhse August 25, 2012 at 9:53 pm
OneYieldRegular August 25, 2012 at 1:57 pm

I was hiding in a bathroom in South America
I'm a desperate man
Send lawyers guns and money
The shit has hit the fan.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 2:18 pm

But she's a real beauty
a Mexican Argentinian cutie
how she got here in this bathroom I haven't a clue.

Texan_Bulldog August 25, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Good luck, to Mrs. Sanford the Second. I'm sure she's going to need it–although Mark Sanford isn't exactly Robert Redford. How's he get so much tail?

Guppy August 25, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Maybe he's the son of a mill worker.

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 3:55 pm
MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Thank you so much for contributing to my musical education. Clearly, I'm in need of a LOT of edjumacation heah. This is GREAT. (taps toes, snaps fingers)

LibertyLover August 25, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Couldn't have happened to 2 nicer adulterers.

SnarkOff August 25, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Your move, John and Rielle.

Lot_49 August 25, 2012 at 1:58 pm

You have to wonder what Kemal Ataturk would make of this development.
http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1876&da

CivicHoliday August 25, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Newt Gingrich approves.

PsycWench August 25, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Is Chapur young enough to get the Newt stamp of approval? The Creepy Equation (half his age +7) allows him to go down to 33 and I believe she's about 40.
Not that Gingrich knows that equation. He may think it's (.05 his age + 7).

Dudleydidwrong August 25, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Maybe he wants to be best man (figuratively speaking, of course). He hasn't looked over the crop of Argentinian chicks and his sterling reputation may not have spread that far.

ChillBill August 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Is this a "feel good" story or not? I can't tell.

salt_bagel August 25, 2012 at 3:26 pm

You're not fapping properly.

LibertyLover August 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Don't cry for them, Argentina!

Mumbletypeg August 25, 2012 at 2:06 pm

If this isn't some kind of fan fiction gone viral, well, Nikki Haley has some catching up to do to top this. Hopefully she still has the balding blogger's phone # and some mountain climbing gear.

tessiee August 25, 2012 at 2:08 pm

'Sanford arrived early at the restaurant and gave “a bag with the (engagement) ring to one of the waiters,” asking him to “to invent a good story for his girlfriend.”

Sanford then hid in a bathroom."

Waiter: Here you go, Miss. [hands her bag]
Mistress: Thank you… um… what is this?
Waiter: It's a take-out order of our special fajitas, compliments of the owner.
Mistress: Well, aren't you nice. Thank you!
Sanford [returning to table]: Well?
Mistress: Look, Honey, they gave us a complimentary order of fajitas.
Sanford: Oh, that's–… Hey, WAIT a minute! That's not… oh, shit, oh, hell, oh, damn…
Kitchen staff [driving like hell to pawn shop]: All RIGHT!!!

tessiee August 25, 2012 at 2:11 pm

"Sanford then hid in a bathroom."

Sanford [returning to table]: Gosh, Honey! You look beautiful! I sure love you!
Mistress [narrowing eyes suspiciously]: Wait a minute… Why are you out of breath? And why is your face so red?
Sanford: Nothing! Mind your own business! I wasn't getting a blow job from the busboy in the bathroom! I mean, shut up, that's why!

Misty Malarky August 25, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Mistress: Why for you breathes smell lika spoonk?

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 2:13 pm

If I do say so, he can't let go and he don't take no for an answer.

BZ1 August 25, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Pretty classy for a do*che bag

Lot_49 August 25, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Ha ha, it fact the ring was in a douche bag! Thus the appalling lack of specificity in the story…

tessiee August 25, 2012 at 2:13 pm

So in their wedding picture, are they both going to be wearing those broad-brimmed hats with the corks hanging off of them?

Slightly OT but awesome: I had a boss who originally came from LA. In her wedding picture, she and her husband are ON THE BEACH, IN THEIR BATHING SUITS, HOLDING SURFBOARDS!!
Coolest boss EVAH!!

ManchuCandidate August 25, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Ah marriage. Either they'll be at key parties or Mark won't be hiking her Appalachian trail as much or at all.

CarolinaStewPie August 25, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Gotta give it up for the future Mrs. Appalachian Trail. I'm sure she has a couple really sweet switchbacks, too! According to Time Mag, she's in the top ten of All Time Mistresses. Pretty heady company here, too. Anne Boleyn, FDR's Lucy Mercer, Marilyn Monroe for JFK, Sweet sexy Mare Camilla the Duchess of Homely, and a few stellar others. And by stellar, I mean, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Lewinsky, Rielle Hunter and Amy Fisher? I think I need a long shower now.
http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/comple

PubOption August 25, 2012 at 3:09 pm

No Lady Hamilton?

SexySmurf August 25, 2012 at 3:37 pm

When did Time turn into the less serious version of cracked.com?

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 2:14 pm

"mountain climbing gear"

Is that a Euphemism? Please say yes.

Mumbletypeg August 25, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Well, I figured the "hike up your skirt" jokes had been done to death already.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Bonus points for creativity. "Needing a stout Staff to lean on" would have been acceptable also.

Mumbletypeg August 25, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Plus I've always loved Night On Bald Mountain. Growing up our mom played it among her favorite classical music.. but retrospectively I still keep confusing w/ wanting to call it "Bare" Mountain (same diff, w.r.t. the blogger-who-bagged-The-Babe-Who-Would-Be-Gov')

viennawoods13 August 25, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Wishing to be the first to take this one step further to Brokeback Mountain, without having an actual joke to use (though I considered bareback)

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 3:21 pm

That is funny, because – apparently – Mussorgsky's original title translates from the Russian to "St. John's Eve on the Bare Mountain" (!)

So, the the blogger-who-bagged-The-Babe-Who-Would-Be-Gov and the Gov could "Hike the Appalachian Trail" to "Bare Mountain." and we haven't even gotten into " Caution: Entering Bare Country" yet!

tessiee August 25, 2012 at 2:15 pm

'It’s like a fairy tale, you guys!"

That was Michele and Marcus.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I bet I know which one the "tale" is.

Serolf_Divad August 25, 2012 at 2:17 pm

So is this the white-trash version of when Edward VIII abdicated the throne to marry Wallis Simpson?

Lot_49 August 25, 2012 at 2:18 pm

OT, but here's a mind-numbingly complex speculative analysis of how Mittens used the foreign tax credit to wipe out his US income tax in maybe 2008-09.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/25/business/in-rom

Since Mr. Romney didn’t use all the foreign tax credit available to him in 2009, tax experts said he must have reduced the tax owed on his foreign income to zero. In the highly unlikely event he also reduced his taxable income from United States sources to zero, or even showed a loss, he would have owed no federal income tax in 2009.
Multimedia

That’s not the only evidence that Mr. Romney’s income in 2009 was substantially lower than in 2010. He was able to use substantial losses from previous years to reduce his 2010 capital gains, indicating that he had no net capital gain in 2009. Capital gains accounted for most of Mr. Romney’s income in 2010 — $12.6 million of his $21.6 million total. In addition, he reported more than $800,000 in taxable refunds from 2009, which seems very high. If he had smaller refunds, lower speaking and director’s fees, and lower business income or even a business loss, his adjusted gross income for 2009 could have been quite low, at least by Mr. Romney’s standards. Assuming he had similar itemized deductions to the $4.5 million he had in 2010, his taxable income could have been extremely low.

The data Mr. Romney filed also indicated that his foreign tax liability shot up in 2008, the year the financial crisis began. His total foreign taxes amounted to nearly $800,000, far more than any other year. Even if his foreign tax rate was the comparatively high rate that prevails in the United States, 15 percent, that suggests substantial income, more than $5 million from his foreign assets.

tessiee August 25, 2012 at 2:19 pm

New wife catches him with a teenage pool boy in
5…
4…
3…

BarackMyWorld August 25, 2012 at 2:26 pm

There's probably a parallel universe where Sanford was able to keep it in his pants, and is now getting ready to accept the Republican Presidential nomination.

Mark, trust me…you should be glad you live in this one.

LibrarianX August 25, 2012 at 2:28 pm

I bet the waiter got a shiny new quarter for his trouble!

deanbooth August 25, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Maybe they'll have a son and open a junk yard. * play theme music *

Chet Kincaid_ August 26, 2012 at 1:59 am

Wonk wonk wonk WONK wah, wonk wah….
Did it did it! Did it did it did it doo…

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 2:41 pm

He gave her the ring in Argentina, eh? I'd bet that Mark got to go
"Around the Horn" that night.

not that Dewey August 25, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Adios, Cape Virgenes!

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Round the Cape Horn to Valparaiso.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Val Per Rise-oh?

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Hey, Ho, Up She Rises!

Barrelhse August 25, 2012 at 2:58 pm

"Why, this is nothing but a two-bit ring from a Cracker-Back Jox!"

CleverSobriquet August 25, 2012 at 3:13 pm

What kind of chump do you take me for?

Barrelhse August 25, 2012 at 9:59 pm

First class!

MosesInvests August 26, 2012 at 12:28 am

You can wait here in the sitting room, or you can sit here in the waiting room.

not that Dewey August 25, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Argentine firecracker, Argentine firecracker, boom boom boom.

Mumbletypeg August 25, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Argentine firecracker, Argentine firecracker…

*bling-bling-bling*!

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 3:58 pm

"Bambu Bambu"!

Yes, Carmen Miranda was Brazilian. Doesn't diminish her firecracker-ness.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 4:40 pm

For it was fiesta
And we were so GAAAAAY!
South of the border
Down Argentine way

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 4:44 pm

"At the Copa, Copacabana!
the hottest spot north of….

oh, no. I can't. I just can't.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Yo' Mama?

Negropolis August 25, 2012 at 11:38 pm

She bangs, she bangs! Baby, you're a firework…

arihaya August 25, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Mark Sanford (D-Appalachian Trail) ?

carolinaswamp August 25, 2012 at 5:29 pm

D???? You have GOT to be kidding. This is South Carolina. It is Mark Sanford (R-Appalachian Trail).

glamourdammerung August 26, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Mark Sanford (D-Appalachian Trail) ?

In fairness, the consensual intercourse between two adults of opposite gender makes the (D) an easy mistake to make.

Negropolis August 26, 2012 at 8:54 pm

Maybe in prior times. Not anymore. There are certainly places where the realignment hasn't fully taken place, but it's about near the end in just about every Southern state.

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Sadly, Mark Sanford hasn't really left SC. But now he is a woman of Sikh heritage.

Incitefully_Joe August 25, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Best of luck to the future Mrs. Mark Sanford II, the Appalachianing.

Not that she needs it! Right-wing politicans who publicly abandon their first wives and/or go on to marry their mistresses are always super-respectful to women, and never repeat that process all over again, with their new wives.

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 4:54 pm

If I recall correctly, they both have fidelity issues. Wasn't she also dating someone else at the time of the whole Appalachian Trail imbroglio?

May his open marriage be the envy of Newt for many years to come…

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 10:12 pm

She was *married* to someone else for some years, but I don't think her marriage broke up because of this schlub. I believe she has two sons by her previous marriage.

Arborista August 26, 2012 at 1:00 am

No, I'm not thinking of a husband, but I think there was another boyfriend during the time frame of her affair w/ Sanford. Maybe someone younger than her- I'm recalling something about a trip they took to Brazil…?

seppdecker August 25, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Sparkin'!

Misty Malarky August 25, 2012 at 3:27 pm

OT: Obamacare has killed Neil Armstrong. :(
http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/08/25/134786

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 4:42 pm

:(

RadioBowels August 25, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Plan B was one of those airplane banners at Myrtle Beach saying, "My Argentine Firecracker, Will U Marry Me?"

SayItWithWookies August 25, 2012 at 3:33 pm

The [Argentine] paper [Clarin] said Sanford arrived early at the restaurant and gave “a bag with the (engagement) ring to one of the waiters,” asking him to “to invent a good story for his girlfriend.” Sanford then hid in a bathroom.

So Mark Sanford, faced with a situation requiring tact and romance, did what he knew best — delegated the work to the help and then came out of hiding to take the credit. Stay classy, Mark!

mustangsavvy August 25, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Ahhh Mark Sanford. My favourite GOP Adulterer of the Obama years! We really should send them a gift or something…..$50 gift card to Applebee's? Not the least for inventing a new euphemism for plowing your mistress aka Hiking the Appalachian Trail.

But seriously? He couldn't do all of The Bended Knee Speech himself? He had to outsource part of it to the Argentine waiter? Ahh GOPers. Never change!

YasserArraFeck August 25, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Young brown man holding a Republican's bag. Wake me up when there's actual news.

Chet Kincaid_ August 26, 2012 at 2:03 am

Maybe not brown, in Argentina. Argentina seems mostly filled with Italians, extrapolating from the NBA.

Mumbletypeg August 25, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Well she doesn't love him for his mind. But instead for his, resourceful outsourcefulness.

Not_Mother August 25, 2012 at 3:48 pm

There is just something so romantic about "handed her the bag."

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 4:59 pm

WTF is that av, I am LOVING it!

viennawoods13 August 25, 2012 at 9:42 pm

That is from a hilarious movie, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. If you haven't seen it, you should.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 10:06 pm

I haven't, and on your recommendation, I most certainly shall.

Neoyorquino August 25, 2012 at 5:22 pm

"When [Maria Belen] Chapur arrived, the waiter said she had won “a prize” for being the 100th customer of the day and handed her the bag, which she opened, finding the ring.

Sanford then appeared. What followed was a long moment of kisses, tears and emotions. There were heartfelt words and promises of eternity.”

What a horndog! Mark Sanford takes his lover Maria out for dinner, and then starts making out with the waiter right in front of her!

tessiee August 25, 2012 at 5:38 pm

"The [Argentine] paper [Clarin] said Sanford arrived early at the restaurant and gave “a bag with the (engagement) ring to one of the waiters,” asking him to “to invent a good story for his girlfriend.”"

Unfortunately, the restaurant was Chick-Fil-A, so the story the waiter invented was, "And then I threw that gay guy out in the parking lot and kicked his ass!".

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 7:21 pm

You have to do some bible-thumping to get anywhere in politics in SC (or most places in this country, apparently), but he was mostly of the libertarian stripe of Republican. The thought of vouchers gave him woodies, but I don't recall him being too enthusiastic about most social conservative issues? He didn't like poor people much, but what libertarian does? His big deal was vetoing the state budget every year & forcing the Leg to reconvene (at taxpayer expen$e) to override his vetoes. Luckily, he didn't get much accomplished while in office.

I hope she doesn't go into politics, but she's got a local reputation for being fairly charming & low-key, although smelling strongly of Eau d'Entitlement.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Thank you for the insider insight. Is Nimrata Randhawa doing more damage than her patron?

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Since SC has a weak governor system, and she & Marky Mark are not so popular with the SC Leg, she hasn't accomplished as much as she would like. Neither did he. Miraculously, we still don't have a voucher system, but probably the reason being inefficiency & infighting?

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Good, good. Between her and Piyush "Bobby" Jindal, they're giving Indians, Asians, South Asians, and just plain ol' BROWN folks a bad name.

Arborista August 26, 2012 at 12:54 am

Here's a recent cute lil' thang she did to SC taxpayers: http://bit.ly/Qgwh2R

She gives EARTHLINGS a bad name.

ttommyunger August 25, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Ain't love grand?

CindynEncinitas August 27, 2012 at 7:56 pm

He's puttin' a ring on it. How cute.

ttommyunger August 27, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Yup. This usually marks the demise of the blowjobs.

PMofPunishment August 25, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Long time fan, first time commenter–Love your stuff, Editrix.

ThundercatHo August 25, 2012 at 9:29 pm

You did not give me a mad (hugs the Morg back with a kiss on the cheek). We all know the old saying about a woman scorned and he should've known the consequences for his actions. If her family connections and money made his career she sure backed the wrong horse but then who hasn't picked a loser at least once?

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 10:03 pm

I know, I'm just an old softie. Don't tell anyone. (hugs ThundercatHo back)

No one. Wait, no, I mean, me. Wait, no … could you rephrase that as a "You know who ELSE"?

Negropolis August 25, 2012 at 11:24 pm

So, how long before he Falklands her and leaves her for a Brit? When is he going to tell this woman to take a hike?

Honey, he told you he was a scorpion…

Negropolis August 25, 2012 at 11:41 pm

But by the grace of god were we spared his presidential run. It'd have been a terrifying car wreck combination of Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich with some Santorum mixed in for disgusting measure.

CthuNHu August 26, 2012 at 12:39 am

Aww. I am seriously happy for this schmuck. May he and his betrothed lead a long and joyous life together, and may they be found dead of massive simultaneous cerebral hemorrhages at 95, their naked bodies intertwined and looks of bliss on their faces.

Chet Kincaid_ August 26, 2012 at 1:53 am

I'm rooting for the guy.* Maybe his Argentinean hottie fucked some inquiry and independent thinking into his head, freeing his ass from the narrow-minded Christian/Reaganomics world-view he was immersed in. Aw, who am I kidding, he is probably burning up the phone lines trying to find a preacher who'll say his shit doesn't stink and he still has a political career, so long as he hate-legislates homosexuals.
*Not really.

Chet Kincaid_ August 26, 2012 at 2:08 am

I don't like his wife, and I believe that spending her life raising four little doppelgangers of a man she now despises is sufficient punishment for enabling and cheerleading Sanford's odious political ambitions.

barto August 26, 2012 at 2:34 am

Argentine empanada, you mean.

comrad_darkness August 26, 2012 at 9:46 am

All the players in this drama behave exactly as I would expect them to, as a result I find I can't fault them for it.

polnick August 26, 2012 at 10:39 am

Sex therapy clinics are replacing the teachings of Moses, Jesus, and Mohammad, their worthiness lies in a promotion of the GOOD ORGASM. Just as there are different Mosques, Churches, and Synagogues there are different Sex Therapy Clinics, finding the right one is a personal choice. Wise counseling will produce the GOOD ORGASM we all need.

glamourdammerung August 26, 2012 at 1:57 pm

"It's like a fairy tale, you guys!"

Uhm, I must have had the wrong books as a child.

polnick August 26, 2012 at 3:06 pm

One hundred rooms and thirty bathrooms in the White House are not properly utilized; they could be filled with single men and women. It would add erotic activity to a dull atmosphere where only warm milk or fruit juice is now being served. House of Rothschild Champaign, Hip-Hop, and Gangsta music will keep the president jumping. The desk of the Oval Office will become a wooden mattress. Invitations to the 24/7 party would sell for 25 million bucks; the profits would go for re-election expenses.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Thanks! and Stay thirsty Hydrated, my friend.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Dunno if he was Drinking, but it's likely that the Piano was.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 4:48 pm

That one is my all-time favourite of Tom. Although if you post another one, I might change my mind. He has that effect on me.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Nah, you can be bratty. That's the nice thing about being the *younger* sib. You can be whatever you want, and I still have to love you anyway and beat up on anybody who looks at you wrong. (Hugs orygoon again)

C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 5:06 pm
C_R_Trogloraptor August 25, 2012 at 5:14 pm

If you liked that you'll like Waltzing Matilda.

And if you haven't seen Tom Waits as Mr. Nick in The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus you really should.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Girl, WHY aren't you making the big bux writing for The Daily Show, or something? If you actually make me piss my pants, I'll be all mad and hate you, because only Lizz Winstead has made me do that so far (but I don't get out very often, so go ahead and try).

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Maybe the years of being married to a bible-thumping asshole have made her come across as cold and unfeeling. I gather she was quite the hotshot power broker before she married the idiot and settled down to babymaking. She's also reputed to be hella smart and competent. Pity she bought into that whole Jeebus=SubmissiveWomen bullshit. She should have run for power herself. I'm sure she'd be WORLDS above the asshole she married, who's an incompetent crony-humping panty-sniffer, at best.

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 7:03 pm

She lives with her sons on Sullivans Island, a barrier island with very expensive real estate that's quite close to Charleston. Historically, it's where the nabobs of Charleston all moved to during the summer to avoid the heat & malaria. It's not Podunksville.

Negropolis August 25, 2012 at 11:31 pm

Maybe the same way Hillary moved to Arkansas and pretty much told the hillbillies to fuck off is they didn't like her Chicagoland ways. She neither changed her last name nor adopted their accent to fit in.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 6:44 pm

That one always finds me sitting on the deck with a bottle in one hand and a joint in the other, singing along LOUD. Thank deities the nearest neighbours are a ways away. Imaginarium happens to be sitting on the shelf. We were planning to watch it soon anyway, tonight's as good as any.

You're a terrific CRE, a terrific friend. What an abundance of gifts! Thanks!

fuflans August 25, 2012 at 7:36 pm

oh i know SC can be v v sophisticated (i used to work for a virtual office hq'd in SC – we had a couple company outings and while they were hell it was certainly not SC's fault. lovely places, lovely facilities). i was just (badly) snarking….

tho there is the whole nikki haley thing to answer for…

Arborista August 25, 2012 at 7:58 pm

The best thing about SC politics is the GOP infighting. It almost makes up for not having a viable 2-party system here. Well, not really.

My best consolation for Sanford & Haley is that they could not/ can not get along with the Leg. Governors can't accomplish much in this state without friendly relations with legislators.

MittBorg August 25, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Oh, man. You sure know how to hit ALL my musical spots. How come ID don't show me your comments *right away,* man? Cause I was RLY in a "Yo' mama" mood five hours ago.

Arborista August 26, 2012 at 12:48 am

Here's another one for y'all…

September's reminding July
It's time to be saying goodbye… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YroQxUyg6k

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