Mazel Tov And L’Chaim To That SC Governor Who Ran Off To Argentina And His New Mistress Betrothed!

  your saturday nice time post!

Look, it looks like a vag and a cock!Oh happy day! We awake to the joyous tidings that former governor Mark Sanford (R-Appalachian Trail) and his lady love, that chick he was flying off to South America to bang, have sealed their passions with an engagement! It’s like a fairy tale, you guys!

The [Argentine] paper [Clarin] said Sanford arrived early at the restaurant and gave “a bag with the (engagement) ring to one of the waiters,” asking him to “to invent a good story for his girlfriend.”

Sanford then hid in a bathroom.

So now Mark Sanford is a bathroom goblin as well? This is excellent news for Larry Craig!

When [Maria Belen] Chapur arrived, the waiter said she had won “a prize” for being the 100th customer of the day and handed her the bag, which she opened, finding the ring. Sanford then appeared.

“What followed was a long moment of kisses, tears and emotions. There were heartfelt words and promises of eternity,” according to the Clarin article.

Your Wonkette, like GOP convention delegates, does love a happy ending. But let us not forget the travails Sanford and his soulmate endured along the way!

There was the media riding his ass. There was the censure of his party. There was all the finger-pointing and blame-gaming when all Mark Sanford wanted was to carpe his diem and entwine flowers in his true love’s hair. There was his wife, just being hella cunty about him disappearing with that Argentine tamale. Why do wives always have to be so cunty about their governor husbands publicly abandoning them? Wives suck!

Good luck in your next marriage, former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford and that chick you boned so much!

[TheState, via PoliticalWire]

Share This
 
Related video

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

201 comments

  1. carolinaswamp

    Sanford is notoriously cheap. His beloved might want to have a trusted jeweler look at that ring before taking out a special insurance rider to cover it.

    1. MittBorg

      As a person who made the serious mistake of cheating on a beloved once, I just want to say if you'll cheat on one person, you'll cheat on them all. I came to terms with my inability to be monogamous. But it's a constant negotiation, and monogamy/fidelity is one issue that can break a relationship. (Children is the only other one I know of.)

      I'm speaking from experience. He'll be looking again, soon enough.

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      After a few months in the wilds of Argentina one of those alpacas will start looking pretty good to the former gov.

  2. Callyson

    the waiter said she had won “a prize” for being the 100th customer of the day and handed her the bag

    I can't wait to hear what the prize is for being the restaurant's 1 millionth customer…

  3. SexySmurf

    I think it will last for eternity just like how I thought Kim Kardashian and Chris what's-his-face would be together forever. Also, I'm a moron.

  4. savethispatient

    I don't know, these Governors, going over there, stealing their women, living happily ever after*. What's the world coming to?

    * Here's hoping!

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        He must be expecting Romney to win in November. If he's right, Argentinian hotties can expect a whole lot of attention from Americans later this year. (Excuse me while I brush up on my Spanish…)

      1. tessiee

        Tangos with banjos won't work either, I don't think, but it does look pretty cool written out.

          1. MittBorg

            Girl, WHY aren't you making the big bux writing for The Daily Show, or something? If you actually make me piss my pants, I'll be all mad and hate you, because only Lizz Winstead has made me do that so far (but I don't get out very often, so go ahead and try).

  5. orygoon

    "It's like a fairy tale, you guys!"

    I can't wait for the parts with the wolves and ogres and haggy witches. The kissy bits are bo-ring!

    1. MittBorg

      OK, so, like, are you my little sister or my little brother wut's logging in secretly to mess with my head?

      Because that's how it was when we wuz kids watching movies together, yaknow. (Still is. Loud cries of "Oh jesuschrist they're kissing, eww" punctuate the "OHMIGOD! DID YOU SEE THAT?" and all the heavy breathing during the wolves/ogres/haggywitches parts.)

      1. orygoon

        oh BUSTED! Well, not really, but I am available for a sibling adoption. I always wanted and never had a brother, and my one sister died tragically (is there any other way? I guess not) early in the nineties.

        1. MittBorg

          Consider yourself adopted, then, sweetie. Goodness knows I love all my Wonkz, and adoption just lends that extra soupcon of perviness to my ever-helpful *LEERS*. (Leers at orygoon very helpfully)

          (Also hugs orygoon in a totally non-pervy siblingish sorta way)

          1. orygoon

            Aw, break out the bubbly! How splendid. I will try not to be overly bratty, and loyally upfist you forever, and call on you to beat up all the bullies.

          2. MittBorg

            Nah, you can be bratty. That's the nice thing about being the *younger* sib. You can be whatever you want, and I still have to love you anyway and beat up on anybody who looks at you wrong. (Hugs orygoon again)

  6. Misty Malarky

    Ten bucks say he discovered his next soul mate while crouching in that bathroom stall next to the big peephole…

    1. Lot_49

      Is it Chris Rock who says the reason the groom at a wedding always looks sad and bewildered is that he knows he's had his last blowjob?

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Or, as the old Jane Russell joke goes, "What do those South American girls have below the border that we girls don't have?"

    1. LibertyLover

      To be fair, It was probably a very nice bathroom. It probably didn't even have one scrap of toilet paper on the ground or sticking to anyone's shoe or anything.

          1. MittBorg

            Baby, baby. Was this before or after he stopped drinking? 'Cause that is a seductive whisky-'n-cigarettes voice as I EVAH heard. I should be lying on the cold marble tile with a bottle cradled in one arm as I listen to this.

          2. MittBorg

            That one always finds me sitting on the deck with a bottle in one hand and a joint in the other, singing along LOUD. Thank deities the nearest neighbours are a ways away. Imaginarium happens to be sitting on the shelf. We were planning to watch it soon anyway, tonight's as good as any.

            You're a terrific CRE, a terrific friend. What an abundance of gifts! Thanks!

    1. MittBorg

      Doubtless, she'll wear something utterly elegant in cream, eggshell, or off-white. With her coloring, it'll be more flattering than white anyway. Is that even an issue these days? Every celebrity whore who's had more men in her vagina than the Sahara Pipeline seems to wear white at the wedding.

  7. ThundercatHo

    I would probably stop being hella cunty after hiring an attorney who could actually smell blood in the water and took the motherfucker for all he was worth and then some.

    1. berkeleyfarm

      I seem to recall hearing that most of the money in the marriage was hers anyway. I am definitely Team Jenny on this one.

    2. MittBorg

      I don't really know either of the people involved, but she's the one with all the money. She's pretty much permanently wrecked his political career already (and he deserved it). I think (based on nothing but instinct) that she's a cold, calculating, domineering person, and while he's no better, I suspect their marriage was pretty much hell for him. He was greedy enough to think he could stand it for as long as it took to build other things in his life that he valued. He was wrong. She has her sons, and a new boyfriend, her money, her career, and pretty much everything she walked into the marriage with. He doesn't have much but the girlfriend, and I suspect eventually the girlfriend will dump him, because a man with nothing is not very attractive at all.

      1. Arborista

        They both come from money, but she has more, I believe. I doubt she would be able to tap him for much more than child support & I think the sons are all in their teens? She may have wrecked his career, but she's also the one responsible for it. She was able to divorce him, but SC was stuck with him until his term was up.

        1. MittBorg

          She comes from one of the wealthier American families. Big $$. He's not poor, Republicans rarely are, but it's nowhere near her family's kinda money. And yeah, the kids are all growed up, I think at least two in college. Not only is SC stuck with him, but they voted his goddamn clone-protege into office, din't they? What a fucking caravanserai of dunces. Sorry. I'm feeling pretty hatey-stabby with all the rapey talk from the Republicans.

          1. fuflans

            i went to the same high school as jenny (small girls school in far north shore suburb of chicago). i'm a bit younger so didn't actually know her but i think the she was not disliked.

            and — at least in my time – there were some serious bitches vying for the title.

            what i really want to know is how you go from chicago burbs to SC and not lose your mind.

            (btw i am NOT from a family like that. we were solidly upper middle class but not serious $$$$ – and thanks to the bush years, my parents are no longer either upper middle class or republicans. however, i was handful and my mother thought i would benefit from a smaller girls school. no idea if she was right but mr. fuflans tells me i am still a handful).

          2. MittBorg

            Maybe the years of being married to a bible-thumping asshole have made her come across as cold and unfeeling. I gather she was quite the hotshot power broker before she married the idiot and settled down to babymaking. She's also reputed to be hella smart and competent. Pity she bought into that whole Jeebus=SubmissiveWomen bullshit. She should have run for power herself. I'm sure she'd be WORLDS above the asshole she married, who's an incompetent crony-humping panty-sniffer, at best.

          3. Arborista

            She lives with her sons on Sullivans Island, a barrier island with very expensive real estate that's quite close to Charleston. Historically, it's where the nabobs of Charleston all moved to during the summer to avoid the heat & malaria. It's not Podunksville.

          4. fuflans

            oh i know SC can be v v sophisticated (i used to work for a virtual office hq'd in SC – we had a couple company outings and while they were hell it was certainly not SC's fault. lovely places, lovely facilities). i was just (badly) snarking….

            tho there is the whole nikki haley thing to answer for…

          5. Arborista

            The best thing about SC politics is the GOP infighting. It almost makes up for not having a viable 2-party system here. Well, not really.

            My best consolation for Sanford & Haley is that they could not/ can not get along with the Leg. Governors can't accomplish much in this state without friendly relations with legislators.

          6. Negropolis

            Maybe the same way Hillary moved to Arkansas and pretty much told the hillbillies to fuck off is they didn't like her Chicagoland ways. She neither changed her last name nor adopted their accent to fit in.

      2. ThundercatHo

        Sorry sweetie but I must take exception to your assertion that his wife wrecked his political career. I believe he did that all on his own. I only saw one interview with her and she didn't seem cold and calculating but deeply hurt. Regardless, these holier-than-thou, born-again hypocrites give me a royal pain and I have not an ounce of sympathy or a shred of respect for the lot of them.

  8. OneYieldRegular

    I was hiding in a bathroom in South America
    I'm a desperate man
    Send lawyers guns and money
    The shit has hit the fan.

    1. C_R_Trogloraptor

      But she's a real beauty
      a Mexican Argentinian cutie
      how she got here in this bathroom I haven't a clue.

  9. Texan_Bulldog

    Good luck, to Mrs. Sanford the Second. I'm sure she's going to need it–although Mark Sanford isn't exactly Robert Redford. How's he get so much tail?

      1. MittBorg

        Thank you so much for contributing to my musical education. Clearly, I'm in need of a LOT of edjumacation heah. This is GREAT. (taps toes, snaps fingers)

    1. PsycWench

      Is Chapur young enough to get the Newt stamp of approval? The Creepy Equation (half his age +7) allows him to go down to 33 and I believe she's about 40.
      Not that Gingrich knows that equation. He may think it's (.05 his age + 7).

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      Maybe he wants to be best man (figuratively speaking, of course). He hasn't looked over the crop of Argentinian chicks and his sterling reputation may not have spread that far.

  10. Mumbletypeg

    If this isn't some kind of fan fiction gone viral, well, Nikki Haley has some catching up to do to top this. Hopefully she still has the balding blogger's phone # and some mountain climbing gear.

  11. tessiee

    'Sanford arrived early at the restaurant and gave “a bag with the (engagement) ring to one of the waiters,” asking him to “to invent a good story for his girlfriend.”

    Sanford then hid in a bathroom."

    Waiter: Here you go, Miss. [hands her bag]
    Mistress: Thank you… um… what is this?
    Waiter: It's a take-out order of our special fajitas, compliments of the owner.
    Mistress: Well, aren't you nice. Thank you!
    Sanford [returning to table]: Well?
    Mistress: Look, Honey, they gave us a complimentary order of fajitas.
    Sanford: Oh, that's–… Hey, WAIT a minute! That's not… oh, shit, oh, hell, oh, damn…
    Kitchen staff [driving like hell to pawn shop]: All RIGHT!!!

  12. tessiee

    "Sanford then hid in a bathroom."

    Sanford [returning to table]: Gosh, Honey! You look beautiful! I sure love you!
    Mistress [narrowing eyes suspiciously]: Wait a minute… Why are you out of breath? And why is your face so red?
    Sanford: Nothing! Mind your own business! I wasn't getting a blow job from the busboy in the bathroom! I mean, shut up, that's why!

    1. Lot_49

      Ha ha, it fact the ring was in a douche bag! Thus the appalling lack of specificity in the story…

  13. tessiee

    So in their wedding picture, are they both going to be wearing those broad-brimmed hats with the corks hanging off of them?

    Slightly OT but awesome: I had a boss who originally came from LA. In her wedding picture, she and her husband are ON THE BEACH, IN THEIR BATHING SUITS, HOLDING SURFBOARDS!!
    Coolest boss EVAH!!

  14. CarolinaStewPie

    Gotta give it up for the future Mrs. Appalachian Trail. I'm sure she has a couple really sweet switchbacks, too! According to Time Mag, she's in the top ten of All Time Mistresses. Pretty heady company here, too. Anne Boleyn, FDR's Lucy Mercer, Marilyn Monroe for JFK, Sweet sexy Mare Camilla the Duchess of Homely, and a few stellar others. And by stellar, I mean, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Lewinsky, Rielle Hunter and Amy Fisher? I think I need a long shower now.
    http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/comple

      1. C_R_Trogloraptor

        Bonus points for creativity. "Needing a stout Staff to lean on" would have been acceptable also.

        1. Mumbletypeg

          Plus I've always loved Night On Bald Mountain. Growing up our mom played it among her favorite classical music.. but retrospectively I still keep confusing w/ wanting to call it "Bare" Mountain (same diff, w.r.t. the blogger-who-bagged-The-Babe-Who-Would-Be-Gov')

          1. viennawoods13

            Wishing to be the first to take this one step further to Brokeback Mountain, without having an actual joke to use (though I considered bareback)

          2. C_R_Trogloraptor

            That is funny, because – apparently – Mussorgsky's original title translates from the Russian to "St. John's Eve on the Bare Mountain" (!)

            So, the the blogger-who-bagged-The-Babe-Who-Would-Be-Gov and the Gov could "Hike the Appalachian Trail" to "Bare Mountain." and we haven't even gotten into " Caution: Entering Bare Country" yet!

  15. Serolf_Divad

    So is this the white-trash version of when Edward VIII abdicated the throne to marry Wallis Simpson?

  16. Lot_49

    OT, but here's a mind-numbingly complex speculative analysis of how Mittens used the foreign tax credit to wipe out his US income tax in maybe 2008-09.
    http://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/25/business/in-rom

    Since Mr. Romney didn’t use all the foreign tax credit available to him in 2009, tax experts said he must have reduced the tax owed on his foreign income to zero. In the highly unlikely event he also reduced his taxable income from United States sources to zero, or even showed a loss, he would have owed no federal income tax in 2009.
    Multimedia

    That’s not the only evidence that Mr. Romney’s income in 2009 was substantially lower than in 2010. He was able to use substantial losses from previous years to reduce his 2010 capital gains, indicating that he had no net capital gain in 2009. Capital gains accounted for most of Mr. Romney’s income in 2010 — $12.6 million of his $21.6 million total. In addition, he reported more than $800,000 in taxable refunds from 2009, which seems very high. If he had smaller refunds, lower speaking and director’s fees, and lower business income or even a business loss, his adjusted gross income for 2009 could have been quite low, at least by Mr. Romney’s standards. Assuming he had similar itemized deductions to the $4.5 million he had in 2010, his taxable income could have been extremely low.

    The data Mr. Romney filed also indicated that his foreign tax liability shot up in 2008, the year the financial crisis began. His total foreign taxes amounted to nearly $800,000, far more than any other year. Even if his foreign tax rate was the comparatively high rate that prevails in the United States, 15 percent, that suggests substantial income, more than $5 million from his foreign assets.

  17. BarackMyWorld

    There's probably a parallel universe where Sanford was able to keep it in his pants, and is now getting ready to accept the Republican Presidential nomination.

    Mark, trust me…you should be glad you live in this one.

  18. C_R_Trogloraptor

    He gave her the ring in Argentina, eh? I'd bet that Mark got to go
    "Around the Horn" that night.

        1. C_R_Trogloraptor

          "At the Copa, Copacabana!
          the hottest spot north of….

          oh, no. I can't. I just can't.

          1. MittBorg

            Oh, man. You sure know how to hit ALL my musical spots. How come ID don't show me your comments *right away,* man? Cause I was RLY in a "Yo' mama" mood five hours ago.

    1. carolinaswamp

      D???? You have GOT to be kidding. This is South Carolina. It is Mark Sanford (R-Appalachian Trail).

      1. glamourdammerung

        Mark Sanford (D-Appalachian Trail) ?

        In fairness, the consensual intercourse between two adults of opposite gender makes the (D) an easy mistake to make.

      2. Negropolis

        Maybe in prior times. Not anymore. There are certainly places where the realignment hasn't fully taken place, but it's about near the end in just about every Southern state.

    1. Arborista

      If I recall correctly, they both have fidelity issues. Wasn't she also dating someone else at the time of the whole Appalachian Trail imbroglio?

      May his open marriage be the envy of Newt for many years to come…

      1. MittBorg

        She was *married* to someone else for some years, but I don't think her marriage broke up because of this schlub. I believe she has two sons by her previous marriage.

        1. Arborista

          No, I'm not thinking of a husband, but I think there was another boyfriend during the time frame of her affair w/ Sanford. Maybe someone younger than her- I'm recalling something about a trip they took to Brazil…?

  19. RadioBowels

    Plan B was one of those airplane banners at Myrtle Beach saying, "My Argentine Firecracker, Will U Marry Me?"

  20. SayItWithWookies

    The [Argentine] paper [Clarin] said Sanford arrived early at the restaurant and gave “a bag with the (engagement) ring to one of the waiters,” asking him to “to invent a good story for his girlfriend.” Sanford then hid in a bathroom.

    So Mark Sanford, faced with a situation requiring tact and romance, did what he knew best — delegated the work to the help and then came out of hiding to take the credit. Stay classy, Mark!

  21. mustangsavvy

    Ahhh Mark Sanford. My favourite GOP Adulterer of the Obama years! We really should send them a gift or something…..$50 gift card to Applebee's? Not the least for inventing a new euphemism for plowing your mistress aka Hiking the Appalachian Trail.

    But seriously? He couldn't do all of The Bended Knee Speech himself? He had to outsource part of it to the Argentine waiter? Ahh GOPers. Never change!

      1. viennawoods13

        That is from a hilarious movie, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. If you haven't seen it, you should.

  22. Neoyorquino

    "When [Maria Belen] Chapur arrived, the waiter said she had won “a prize” for being the 100th customer of the day and handed her the bag, which she opened, finding the ring.

    Sanford then appeared. What followed was a long moment of kisses, tears and emotions. There were heartfelt words and promises of eternity.”

    What a horndog! Mark Sanford takes his lover Maria out for dinner, and then starts making out with the waiter right in front of her!

  23. tessiee

    "The [Argentine] paper [Clarin] said Sanford arrived early at the restaurant and gave “a bag with the (engagement) ring to one of the waiters,” asking him to “to invent a good story for his girlfriend.”"

    Unfortunately, the restaurant was Chick-Fil-A, so the story the waiter invented was, "And then I threw that gay guy out in the parking lot and kicked his ass!".

  24. Arborista

    You have to do some bible-thumping to get anywhere in politics in SC (or most places in this country, apparently), but he was mostly of the libertarian stripe of Republican. The thought of vouchers gave him woodies, but I don't recall him being too enthusiastic about most social conservative issues? He didn't like poor people much, but what libertarian does? His big deal was vetoing the state budget every year & forcing the Leg to reconvene (at taxpayer expen$e) to override his vetoes. Luckily, he didn't get much accomplished while in office.

    I hope she doesn't go into politics, but she's got a local reputation for being fairly charming & low-key, although smelling strongly of Eau d'Entitlement.

      1. Arborista

        Since SC has a weak governor system, and she & Marky Mark are not so popular with the SC Leg, she hasn't accomplished as much as she would like. Neither did he. Miraculously, we still don't have a voucher system, but probably the reason being inefficiency & infighting?

        1. MittBorg

          Good, good. Between her and Piyush "Bobby" Jindal, they're giving Indians, Asians, South Asians, and just plain ol' BROWN folks a bad name.

  25. ThundercatHo

    You did not give me a mad (hugs the Morg back with a kiss on the cheek). We all know the old saying about a woman scorned and he should've known the consequences for his actions. If her family connections and money made his career she sure backed the wrong horse but then who hasn't picked a loser at least once?

    1. MittBorg

      I know, I'm just an old softie. Don't tell anyone. (hugs ThundercatHo back)

      No one. Wait, no, I mean, me. Wait, no … could you rephrase that as a "You know who ELSE"?

  26. Negropolis

    So, how long before he Falklands her and leaves her for a Brit? When is he going to tell this woman to take a hike?

    Honey, he told you he was a scorpion…

  27. Negropolis

    But by the grace of god were we spared his presidential run. It'd have been a terrifying car wreck combination of Rick Perry and Newt Gingrich with some Santorum mixed in for disgusting measure.

  28. CthuNHu

    Aww. I am seriously happy for this schmuck. May he and his betrothed lead a long and joyous life together, and may they be found dead of massive simultaneous cerebral hemorrhages at 95, their naked bodies intertwined and looks of bliss on their faces.

  29. Chet Kincaid_

    I'm rooting for the guy.* Maybe his Argentinean hottie fucked some inquiry and independent thinking into his head, freeing his ass from the narrow-minded Christian/Reaganomics world-view he was immersed in. Aw, who am I kidding, he is probably burning up the phone lines trying to find a preacher who'll say his shit doesn't stink and he still has a political career, so long as he hate-legislates homosexuals.
    *Not really.

  30. Chet Kincaid_

    I don't like his wife, and I believe that spending her life raising four little doppelgangers of a man she now despises is sufficient punishment for enabling and cheerleading Sanford's odious political ambitions.

  31. comrad_darkness

    All the players in this drama behave exactly as I would expect them to, as a result I find I can't fault them for it.

  32. polnick

    Sex therapy clinics are replacing the teachings of Moses, Jesus, and Mohammad, their worthiness lies in a promotion of the GOOD ORGASM. Just as there are different Mosques, Churches, and Synagogues there are different Sex Therapy Clinics, finding the right one is a personal choice. Wise counseling will produce the GOOD ORGASM we all need.

  33. polnick

    One hundred rooms and thirty bathrooms in the White House are not properly utilized; they could be filled with single men and women. It would add erotic activity to a dull atmosphere where only warm milk or fruit juice is now being served. House of Rothschild Champaign, Hip-Hop, and Gangsta music will keep the president jumping. The desk of the Oval Office will become a wooden mattress. Invitations to the 24/7 party would sell for 25 million bucks; the profits would go for re-election expenses.

Comments are closed.