25. Paul Ryan will poop his pants while giving a speech, it will be hella embarrassing.
24. A Florida alligator will eat Marco Rubio and then go “we all saw this coming.”
23. Chris Christie will pour local seawater all over his tits.
22. An elephant will fly in from outer space and crash into the Tampa arena and have babies everywhere.
21. Editor Rebecca will save Rep. Virginia Foxx from the hurricane and then they’ll do a bunch of cocaine.
20. The Tampa Bay Rays will cede control of the AL Wild Card to the Baltimore Orioles.
19. An actual pirate will rob all the boats in Tampa and kidnap all the slaves.
18. Mitt Romney will give five blow jobs to television crew members and then hug a racist.
17. Erick Erickson will fire a rocket out of his ass onto the hot pavement of I-4.
16. Ron Paul will be arrested for larceny and having sex in a palm tree.
15. A great big image of a dog will appear in the sky and summon Michele Bachmann.
14. Everyone will have sex with their sisters (their grandmothers).
13. Former Wonkette editor Ken Layne will scream about money in a desert in California.
12. Current Editor Rebecca will be carried off in the hurricane and wind up crashed on the shores of Singapore with that rich guy from Facebook.
11. Occupy Wall Street will camp out in a park and just watch The Five Year Engagement on loop for four days.
10. Tiger Woods will have sex with everyone at the convention and then go “Wahh who me?”
9. The Pope of Rome will fly over Tampa and drop pesticides on all the children (and then have sex with all the children) and then go “Wahh who me?”
8. There will probably be a shooting somewhere in America next week because that’s all that happens anymore.
7. Louis Farrakhan will show up and shout “BOOGITY BOOGITY BOO!”
6. John McCain will spill applesauce all over the floor.
5. Donald Trump will swim naked in the air.
4. Editor Rebecca will fly in via parachute but her parachute won’t release but she FUCKIN’ LANDS IT ANYWAY.
3. So, so many abortions will take place in Tampa during the Republican National Convention, ha ha ha.
2. Paul Ryan will drive his Wienermobile into a mosque and then go “Wahh who me?”
1. George W. Bush will be nominated for president of the United States of America.
Hola wonkerados.
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{ 526 comments }
If the top two aren't "Editrix's Boobs" I'm not reading.
How about "Editrix's Magical Uterus"…?
The magical uterus tour is waiting to take you away…
Step right this way!
Don't be silly. The hurricane is gonna wash her out to sea. (But she will be saved by the floating ability of her boobs.)
Never overlook the buoyancy of citrus…
Memo to self: Citrus-scented boob implants.
We're all saved by the buoyancy of citrus… Mitch controls the universe!
Have you SEEN those boobs? I have NO fear of her drowning.
Chris Christie gets mistaken for a manatee and is run over by a bro in a speedboat?
*wishes*
Manatees are way cuter and nicer.
And could probably govern better.
And are able to fellate themselves.
No, I will not link to the youtube video.
Don't have to. We've ALL got it bookmarked. (Leers at tessiee helpfully)
And smaller.
26. Ann Romney will out-ice Cindy McCain
Ann Romney will out Marcus B. and Lindsey G.
Ann Romney will out-ice a virgin-mojito.
Ann Romney will out-ice Walter White.
She way already did awreddy, geez. Cindy does *some* good stuff for poorz, fagz, & blahs when she's not stealing their drogas, man. Ann? Nuthin.
At least I don't plaster on the Chapman's Premium All Natural Horse Liniment like a trollop, you cunt!
IMAGINE THE ICY HOT SEX ANN and willard have/had
nevermind
you know that one time, Willard asked her to pretend that she was having a good time during sex…
I bet Cindy McCain is a wild woman during sex. Just not with John.
26. Horrible outbreak of Delusionnaire's Disease.
24A. A Florida alligator will throw up after eating Marco Rubio.
Alligators don't like Cuban food as much as sharks do.
Rubio's a gusano, does that count?
Except that gusanos have a way of becoming mariposas……..
Depending on how you translate "mariposas," that could be downright exciting, no?
Willard will tell some hilarious jokes about plants closing and people losing their jobs. It will be a real teabagger laff riot.
but on the plus side, that mccain video never gets old and makes me weak from laughing.
mittens has some big shoes to fill.
I don't a Florida alligator will eat Rubio – it'll be a Burmese Python, which have now taken over the Everglades.
Last week, heard some lady on NPR (wish I could remember what she was…something-something-ending with "ist–maybe an invasive species specialist?) who said she estimates that there's around 10,000 of them.
The Nature Conservatory estimates that it could be much, much highter: http://www.nature.org/ourinitiatives/regions/nort…
Yaknow, SB? In this one case, I think we can all agree not to be fussy. Alligator, python, pterodactyl, whatthefuckEVAH.
Jesus' T-Rex.
Why not? I hear Jebus hisse'f will be at the Repuglycuntz convention.
Sorry. Just stewing over Mitt's "niggerization" of our President.
I would take a mauling by an angry raccoon.
In a Walmart parking lot by where the olds park their RVs for the night. Afterwards they have a devil of a time catching him for the rabies testing — the raccoon I mean.
Not takin' any bets on how long it takes to catch Rubio for same.
Us brown folks might have short legs, but we can run like fuck-all when our lives depend on it.
I could go for that. Those are some *mean* little fuckers. Remind me to tell you sometime about the Mama Raccoon who broke in through the cat door and taught her kids how to turn on the kitchen faucet. She got *real* pissed at me for busting up the party.
If a giant snake can't hold down John Voight, what makes you think it can digest Marco Rubio?
We didn't say nothin' about *digest.* We're still in the "can you squeeze the fucker till he SHUTS UP?" stage.
"a Burmese Python, which have now taken over the Everglades."
Has Samuel L. Jackson been notified?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZ2QFmJ7h0A
No, because we all know what HE would say.
Joe Biden's decided not to go to Tampa after all. Apparently, Isaac has made landfall on Haiti, and things don't look so good for Tampa. Not sure whether to laugh or just keep drinking to oblivion. (Hugs tessiee for comfort)
It doesn't matter what happens at Convention, because I won't be watching.
I just don't have the stomach for it. I'll just read Steve Benen's list of lies. I thought this week's was going to be short, on account of it having been Akin week, but nope, longest list yet.
I'll check in for part of it, if only to see the Missouri delegation and count how many (or how few) Akin for Senate buttons I spot…
i'm not only not watching, i'm leaving the country.
though i might be convinced to drown my sorrows with the wonkettes…
NOOOO! Don't go, I'll miss you!
Rebecca, when you wash up in Singapore, don't forget to eat at the Satay Club.
Eat? Wouldn't that detract from valuable sling-drinking time?
And be sure to get a nice linen suit and hang out at Raffles, with all the old China hands.
Went there in '69. Couldn't stay there because I was an American GI.
These days, the only ones who can afford the fucking Raffles are the uberrich. Although the bar the tiger showed up in still lets you throw peanut shells all over the floor.
Yeah, my impression the one time I was there was that it was worth a flyby, but not much more – way too up its own ass.
But littering (even controlled fake littering) in Singapore is such an unusual pleasure that I could see the attraction.
Or, better yet, if you can sneak into the Cricket Club, they still serve a full rijstaeffel on Sundays, I think.
But, please, no stopping, no standing, no spitting, no gum chewing, no swearing, no sneezing, no breathing…no nothin', or you get the cane. And, you bring in a little weed and you get the death penalty.
But, yeah, apart from that Mrs. Lincoln, I guess they have pretty, well-kept buildings and nice weather.
To understand the "no standing no spitting no gum chewing" laws (swearing is fine btw, the Singaporean equivalent of "good morning" is "fuck your grandmother's stinking cunt," and I do not lie about this one, ask any Chinese Singaporean who is bold enough to speak honestly), you would have to know what Singapore was like before these laws were instituted. Suffice it to say that they all began as public health/safety measures in a Third World country that was ravaged yearly by typhoid, cholera, malaria, and various other air/water-borne epidemics. After hanging out in Mumbai/Agra/Chennai for a bit, you start to appreciate not having rivulets of paan-juice bloodying the sidewalk around your feet, believe me.
Also, no fucking durians on the subway.
Geez, bobbert, don't be fucking durians ANYWHERE man, those things can hurt you bad.
But I'm very appreciative of the "no durians in the subway rule," because the smell clings to your clothes and hair for days. It's funky enough with all the longkangs and the blachan and the clinging humid heat, I don't care to go around smelling like a stale fart.
Louie Gomert will wear a bandanna like a cattle rustler to cover the massive clusters of weeping sores erupting around his mouth after his weekend of pre-convention "meetings" in Tampa.
Fucking zipper-burns are painful.
Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!
25 things and no rape jokes?
I know my bad
It's Florida. No Stand Your Ground???
This was not a legitimate list.
It was, however, a forcible list.
How many Todd Akins does it take to rape the republican party?
All of them, Katie
Just one, but he has to have access to a microphone.
…Wow, that came out WAY dirtier than I meant it.
Duud, a word of warning. Teh LayDeez, they r not feeling so jokey about the rapey these days.
That's the kind of humor where you have to really know your audience. And then apologize to the rest.
I don't know about Republican men, but I can tell ya from personal experience, teh LayDeez r SO not feeling teh seXXXaytime right now. Something tells me the whores of Tampa will be doing a roaring business. Some MAD, MAD, MAD ladies running around right now.
Yes. It is still too soon, and wil continue to be for the rest of human existence.
Or until we get rid of all those pesky penises once and for all!
The Vagina Revolution starts…………….NOW!
will the Vagina Revolution be televised?
But … I'm a *nice* person!
That's exactly when you make the most and best cutting political and social commentary.
Absurdism in the service of snark is no vice! Free Wonkette or Tibet or Winona (sp?) or some shit! Too.
Right. I'm'a let the Carolla dude handle this one, OK?
is glenn beck coming?
That's a personal question! But does the answer require another question: do you mean "by hand", or "with help"?
Al Franken libel?
Lindsey Graham will not bring a date.
No dried fruits?
He wants to support that small business called Rent-a-boy.
It's midnight at the oasis, and everybody's under the palm trees eating their dates.
Girl you are SO bad. When I'm at my worst, I come read your shit and feel better. Geezus.
Joe Lieberman was busy?
He's meeting him there…
Looks like Newell's been sampling the Amanita muscaria a little early this week.
All for you
If I had to go to Tampa this weekend, happy hour would have started at 9 AM.
I'm not even IN Tampa, and I've started already.
28) The number of delegates caught at a rest stop glory hole.
That number seems a little low, but I upfisted you anyway…
And that would be on their way to the convention before it even starts.
26. Breitbart will come back from the dead and film all of the first 25, then do a documentary explaining how all of that stuff was the Democrats'/liberal media's/Hollywood's fault.
GUUUH!!! You made me visualize his oozing dead face a la Mad Magazine.
He's been awfully quiet lately, whats up with that?
Is he *still* dead??
As a doornail.
Dead.
27. Hurricane Isaac will gather force go from Cat 2 to Cat 4 as it passes over the hot air mass in Tampa.
27A. God will punish those who use religion for political gains and unleash the fury of Hurricane Isaac upon their greedy souls.. (other residents of Tampa are free to evacuate).
Okay, I am in imagery overload mode. Is this how Mitt feels in the nanoseconds between CPU instructions?
26. Someone will chant USA! USA! USA! unnecessarily.
BECAUSE AMERICA, LIBTARD!!!
Drill-S-A!!
That sounds brown ("Drill, ese")
Oh fuck, somebody IS actually gonna say "Drill Baby Drill", aren't they?
Sarah wasn't invited.
I think there just might be a few flags worn as apparel.
Some will even feature crying eagles.
And 9/11 will be invoked.
The only question I have is whether 9/11 or St Ronnie will get more references?
Just don't make either one a drinking game unless you have an ambulance on stand-by.
If any of those things to watch for were really on the table, I might click by the coverage once in a while, rather than unhooking my cable for the duration.
I looked at a few minutes of the rethug convention in 2008, and didn't feel clean till after Barry was inaugurated.
Imma gonna sit on my sofa and watch the whole thing, gavel to gavel, nekkid.
Imma gonna sit on MINE and imagine you watching the whole thing all nekky.
26. White people will do things
Things they like.
Like goats.
Or cakes.
Or cakes made from goats.
The Uninvited, Sarah Palin, will crash the convention and do that Clinton cigar thing on herself to the wide-eyed amazement of Paul Ryan.
I think we're gonna need a bigger cigar.
She can borrow one of Rush's.
I do think, if she did this, she would have to be prevailed upon to blow smoke rings.
The very least she could do would be shooting a few ping pong balls outta there for the amusement of the crowd.
and suck a golf ball through a hose of course.
7A. The New Black Panthers will stand in front of the entrances to the RNC and frighten conventioneeers by being black.
Both of them?
Yes, all (two) of them, Kentie.
If Romney shows up at the convention in a flight suit, I'm changing the channel.
Fuck that. I'm not watching that shit. Not while there's Netflix.
Do they make codpieces big enough for Mittens to show?
Only his wife Antoinette knows for sure. And maybe the footman.
Don't you mean his valet????
Shit, I completely forgot about his valet. That makes three.
Magical codpieces…
For sure, it's gonna be all IT Crowd all the time in the MissTaken household.
I LOVE that show! Moss is my favorite.
Moss is awesome!
Is our much-loved SorosBot gonna be sitting on the couch right next to you?
'Coz if he is, I'm betting y'all will have to re-watch every episode. (Leers at MissTaken helpfully)
Christine O'Donnell will cast a spell on Mitt to win the nomination.She is a powerful witch.
And he'll turn into Newt.
Powerful, but incredibly stupid.
… Doubt he'll get better though…
Not too far off if the Romney campaign team is is involved.
Isn't she us? Or something like that?
She is the walrus. Koo koo ka choo.
29) "Drill Baby Drill" replaced by "Lie Baby Lie."
On my big ass shale bed.
27. Paul Ryan's black girlfriend from college will show up with their love child, prompting Rush Limbaugh, Todd Akin, Allen West, Grover Norquist, Donald Trump, and Mitt Romney to get so worked up about interracial sex they form a circle jerk with Strom Thurmond's corpse as the "pivot man."
16. Ron Paul will be arrested for larceny and having sex with a palm tree.
/also, too
Slightly off topic but I heard the planks of the Republican convention read aloud and I find it amazing that I strongly disagree with every single one. WTF what are the odds, I’m an old Catholic white guy with a good job I should be their natural constituency. These guys are straight up nuts.
While old, catholic and white, you are intelligent. They don't want thinking folk.
I wish that an F5 hurricane will blow all the Republicans' closets away
I'm waiting for Rick Warren, Tony Perkins and Paul Ryan to be caught carrying a dead hooker out of the loading dock.
At the Dead Hooker Hotel
no problem unless underage girl or any age male
It will definitely be a tranny hooker.
Mitt's sons will fashion a large sand castle on an BP oil-soaked beach, and chant "we built it, we built it"
Isaac will wash it away in .5 seconds, and they will whine to their mommy and daddy about it. And daddy will give them a milliion each, and say "there, there" I won't let Obama ruin your day.
ftfy
FTW.
You *know* these people, don't you?
Prankster puts rush limbaugh-chris christie sex tape on jumbotron during mitt's acceptance speech. Convention suspended while entire republican party leadership seeks medical attention after clawing their own eyes out.
Who's the top?
Rush, of course. You think he'd ever let a Republican politician place themselves above him?
I need some brain bleach, please!
No, wait, we're talking *Republicans* here. They'll probably all want a copy!
"Convention suspended while entire republican party leadership seeks medical attention after masturbating so furiously that their muscles atrophy."
FIFY
Joke's on them: Rick Scott and HCA run healthcare in Florida. Have your credit cards ready, bitchezz.
"Prankster puts rush limbaugh-chris christie sex tape on
jumbotron"
Heh, I see what you did there.
"rush limbaugh-chris christie sex tape"
*screams at sky in pouring rainstorm*
NOOOOOO!!!!!
(Pats tessiee's back encouragingly) It's OK, hon. There is NO wide-angle lens WIDE enough for the whole horrifying spectacle. Just imagine you're whale-watching.
The GOP will turn on each other, eating their young, in a Tampa Mall called Blood, Bath and Beyond
They have already been there. Done that. Have the T-shirt.
26. Will reveal super secret plan to sell out all American interest to the super wealthy, so Mitt can retire.
29. Donald Trump's impersonator of Barack Obama will be an epic failure on national teevee and all throughout America the RNC will hear the collective phrase "What the fuck."
25 is a lot of things to watch for. What are the top 10?
The ones on the bottom, clearly.
or more affectionately named, 'the power bottom'
The ones on the bottom, are clearly the top? This is math, not poetry.
Well, it looks all countdowny to me, so both mathematically and poetically, I stand by my statement but am sorry if anyone took offense.
Too bad Republicans can only count to 10 (especially Paul "Deficit Hawk" Ryan).
(Ouch!)
Why? Are you a Republican? (sorry, I didn't see your commend above).
No. But sometimes I play one on Wonkette.
(Maybe it's because I'm getting old, maybe I drink too much or smoke too much etc., maybe I have a lot of Republican relatives – but sometimes I accidentally say/write things that sound Republican, and when that happens I feel ashamed. I'm not a big fan of the Democratic Party either but they are clearly far less evil.)
Rick Perry can only count to two.
Rick is a mathematical idiot based on our state budget. It's way too advanced for his Animal Husbandry degree from Texas A&M. I will acknowledge Texas A&M is fine school of engineering – Rick Perry, not so much. He's a dipshit.
26) An entire frat house playing the Reagan Name Dropping Drinking Game, will die of alcohol poisoning.
26a) Human gene pool improves as a result
I have no idea what you mean.
Scratches one of the weeks activities off the list.
Thereby saving the world 50 years worth of date rape and AIDS jokes.
At this point, they've dropped the *date* shit and are busy making jokes about raping underage kids. I find the ha-ha in very short supply around so-jokey Republicans.
27. Mitt Romney uses his time in Florida to make a quick visit to his millions in the Caribbean.
I'll bet he's planning a candlelight dinner.
Romney: You look really good this evening. You've put on a bit of weight. You know how much I like that.
Pile of Money: Oh, you! (giggles girlishly)
If Obama and congress can claw back that money in his second term, he'll be holding a candlelight vigil for that money.
Reverend Moon will name Ron Paul as his successor before ascending bodily.
If Zell Miller could have an aneurysm while giving a speech redolent of insane, seething anger, that would be just peaches.
29. Jim Newell will take the text output of a random sentence generator, swap in some topical words and make a blog post out of it, then go, “Wahh who me?”
Excuse me, there was no generator used, I came up with all of this worthless bullshit myself
And very good worthless bullshit it is.
Check and mate, sir.
Outstanding!
The brown acid? Really?
Organically sourced bullshit. Quite impressive, and in keeping with Wonkette standards.
Best 25 comments split Newell's direct deposit for this post 25 ways! That's right, I'm makin' the rules and disbursin' the checks while the Editrix is in the air!
Last time we went off and made up our own rules for a weekend, we all got in Big Trouble. I don't want another lecture.
Nice effort.
26.) Reince Priebus will lead the crowd in repeated chanting of "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" until the Portal rips open and the Great Old Ones spew forth, devouring those who don't mutate or flee in mad terror.
Dude, you spell really well.
Man, I've Chanted and transcribed this so many times… Whoops! No, nothing. Never mind. *Whistles*
Look…Squirrel!
After we saw Up- we would frequently say Squirrel at any time to annoy each other – and we are all over 21 in this family
Who will be eaten first?
My favorite Chick Tract!
for those just tuning in
Thanks! Was too distracted/lazy to find it.
Thanks, I've been wondering about this Cthulhu guy.
Wouldn't it be fun to print up and distribute thousands of those at the convention?
(I really need to win th' lotto. I'd put that money to good use, dammit)
Most convention-goers would scoff upon receiving one. But, like any direct mail campaign, if you could get through to just 0.03% of the recipients, it would all have been worthwhile!
Let's start a "help Dok win the Powerball" fundraiser.
Watch it, you're gettin' the LayDeez all excited.
Except for Chris Christie, who will rub his hands together and drool, "MMMmmm… calamari"
30. The Rapture will occur during the Convention & not a single convention delegate or participant disappears. The End Times commence.
Will that be on pay per view?
I suppose they can find solace in the fact that all the Democrats, along with More Science High, have DISAPPEARED!!
26. The hologram of Andrew Breitfart will snort cocaine and drink cocktails on stage as a special added attraction.
27. Brian Brown, the head of the National Organization for Marriage, will pop out of a giant cake wearing only Mormon underwear.
28. Dan Savage will be giving him a blow job.
Totally worth the price of admission-lmfao
31. Rafalca's head will be found under someone's bedsheets. Biden will be observed fleeing the scene. Further details hazy.
31. No one will say the words 'blah people:' it will be implied
Urbans.
as in "So nice that the RNC was in a less 'urban' environment this year"
Tupac's hologram will sing a duet of "Islands in the Stream" with Paul Ryan.
With Paul Ryan doing the Dolly Parton falsetto part (ryan is represented by the Kenworth, I think, in this video) http://youtu.be/zMtUxTeDYtY
That was excellent. Almost as good as "Cars".
25a: In an attempt to appeal to America's Youth, Ryan will submit the story of his accident to Seventeen Magazine, making prominent use of the phrase "I was mortified".
26. The entire delegation will take a moment to "Tebow"
"13. Former Wonkette editor Ken Layne will scream about money in a desert in California."
This wins the internet.
It's a platonic ideal of hilarious
26. An Ann Coulter up-skirt. We need to settle this once and for all.
Probably just a bunch of gears and metal plates down there
I bet there is a crank too.
No. No we don't.
There are some places science was not meant to go.
-shudder-
I'll take your word for it. No desire to see that either way.
I'm guessing her partially absorbed twin is down there screaming obscenities at liberal reporters.
Belial Libel!
[which does give a new double meaning to "what's in the basket?"]
I thought you were kidding, but…
7 Birthers Speaking At The Republican Convention
http://thinkprogress.org/election/2012/08/24/7437…
WTF? I wish they would ask Ken Bennett, the goofy AG from AZ to speak. I still laugh when the Hawaii state government told him that he had no reason to see the President's birth certificate.
"No one's ever asked to see my birth certificate. They know that this is the place that we were born and raised."
Mitt Romney campaigning in Michigan
http://www.pjstar.com/free/x1101047569/Romney-tou…
Because. You're. Rich. And. White.
And because I apparently didn't ask loudly enough…
I heard about this on NPR earlier today when I was driving. I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to anyone within a 500 mile radius of Los Angeles for my deafening rant against Mitt “Who gives a fuck where you were born, Mittens, you suck” Romney…
OMIGOD!! I was on the 110 and I did the same thing!!!
JFC I'm glad you're OK. I was lucky and was just on a side street…
Is he really this dumb that he wouldn't realize it was a leeetle racist to say that? I mean for christ's sake, why doesn't he just tell people to lock and load and start shooting at the Prezident?
Oh, he knew exactly what he was doing. There is absolutely no doubt of that. Even McCain didn't want to dive into the "Obama is foreign, other, different from you and me, Un-American" sewer. Though of course his VP pick couldn't roll around enough in it.) He would only dip his toe in from time to time, and pull back.
Romney dove right in there, and has been frolicking in the muck for some time now.
Dove in and licked his lips, and then looked around and said, Whooo me??
"No one's ever asked to see my birth certificate."
Is it me, or is he admitting that he gets preferential treatment?
To be fair, the GOP tried to get more, but most of 'em are saving it up for the big birther convention coming up in Phoenix.
"7 Birthers Speaking" is in the alternative version of the 12 Days of Christmas.
"The 12 Days of Mittmas." This is something we all need to work on.
I can't tell if the Paul family or our own Editrix are going to have more fun. But my money's on Rebecca.
26) A wholesome, fresh-faced Christian boy band the "Main Street Boys" will change their name to "The RentBoys" to appeal to a new transient demographic.
26. The Donald's Big Reveal: He will not only sponsor the next Miss America Pageant, but he will be the contestant from New Jersey(Try and erase that from your mind…just try).
Erase it from my mind?
Au contraire, I can't wait for his kazoo solo of "Funky Town" in the talent portion!
And will he showcase that fabulous body with none other than a itsy bitsy teenie weenie red polka dot bikini??
27.) Chick-Fil-A will have a tent in front of the Convention Center where they will be passing out Free Chicken sandwiches – for Freedom!
Too bad a Cruse Ship passenger volunteered and contaminated them all with Norovirus. By Wednesday the Convention floor is awash in bodily fluid explosions.
Hey, a guy can dream…
This is how the zombie apocalypse starts, isn't it? FUCK YOU CHICK-FIL-A!
Q: But do they serve Zombies?
A: Yes. Yes they do.
OT Democrat Brooklyn Borough Chair and Assemblymen Vito Lopez was removed from his party positions and stripped of his Assembly positions after being found to have sexually harassed two you female staffers. The offending acts occurred in June. Another example, (see Spitzer and Weiner) of Democrats handling problems like these promptly with regard to the offensive behavior and not trying to David Vitter the situation as the republicans have so often done. http://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/25/nyregion/assemb…
37.Confetti after Mitt's acceptance speech will be made entirely of shredded copies of his unreleased tax returns, and then go "Wahh who me?"
Look, there'll be thousands of Republican conventioneers, many of them with a loose grip on reality and many carrying firearms, thronging to a city with 90-degree weather and with a Category 4 hurricane bearing down on it. What could go wrong?
49. Every time the audience claps for something, the camera will swing over to the 6 black delegates. Just to show how "diverse" and "accepting" the wingnut party is.
I was going to say that or wonder if they hire just some black people to be in the arena. Temp Agency ad- "wanted Black people- must have some experience being black"
50) Ted Nugent will demand a keynote speaking role in primetime. When denied said speaking role, Nuge will threaten to fuck Rafalca on the stage during Mitts acceptance speech. Ted follows through on this threat, Rafalca and Nuge live happily ever after in Costa Rica
or he will just poop his pants
Is that legal in Costa Rica? Just askng for a friend…
Something tells me that Nuge is no competition for Rafalca's usual dates, if you know what I mean.
will the "editrix" be wearing a skirt during the hurricane?
Chris Christie will literally "drink every-ones milkshake".
I can teach him, but I'll have to charge.
"I drink your milkshake!"
Love that movie. What a classic.
Mitt Romney will give the acceptance speech flanked by Cylon Centurions.
They look like us. And they have a plan.
They do. They just can't Spell it out.
Good thing we still have Teachers.
As Romney takes the stage, the sound system will play Springtime for Mittler."
Great… Now I'm going to have to record that fucking song… THANKS A LOT!
Happy to help. I'm sure the Wonkeratti will pony up a buck for a nice MP3 download.
Don't be stupid, be a smarty, come and join the Grand Oldz party…
By George I think you're got it!
Springtime for Mittler
In Floriduh…
Ryan's been dyin' to try…
Anarchist covert operatives at the convention commissary will dose the water supply with LSD-25.
No one will notice.
It's Florida, I thought there was an organic supply in the whole states drinking water.
That's one reason no one will notice.
"This is Batshit Crazy country!"
"We can't stop here!"
God Himself appears in the convention hall, points at Romney and says, "Thou shalt never be President!"
Everyone responds, "Get out of here RINO! Typical libtard!"
13.) Dr. Willke will be doing a double-blind randomized study to test his hypothesis that ladyparts shut down during "legitimate" rape.
Also, don't miss his lecture on "Dr. Josef Mengele, Monster or Not?"
Double-blind = the subjects don't know whether they're being raped or not? So as not to bias the outcome?
I can't even begin to wrap my mind around this study.
Didn't he actually quote medical research from Nazi concentration camps as part of his research?
It boggles the mind.
he was a big fan of the Joy Division.
And the Republitards are into New Order.
30) A port-a-potty, uprooted by the hurricane will land on Phyliss Schlafly.
You tease…
Captured on CCTV and played in an endless loop on YouTube.
Ooh!
I call dibs on the ruby slippers!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eFubQuK0dg
Anne Romney will be discovered by a BBC reporter backstage, her Human Mask on the rack, unhinging her jaw to swallow a Chinchilla.
Backstage BBC reporter becomes dessert.
This is honestly the funniest thing I've read or heard all day. LOL!
Thanks, was on a bit of a roll yesterday. Totally cribbed from the V miniseries.
I think most of the abortions (mostly strippers/hookers) will happen 3 – 8 1/2 months AFTER the convention…
I wonder if there'll be any birth certificate jokes because that never gets old.
Man, this is gonna be the best RNC EVAR!
Recently reformed cover band Crystal Ship will crank out a blistering version of Roadhouse Blues as Paul Ryan cavorts onstage with his Unit flopping out of his fly.
The crowd goes wild.
Noooooooooooooooo! One of my favorite songs for over 45 years.
Once drove the entire length of the PCH above Marin County stoping at every roadhouse.
Don't watch, for God's sake.
Its a Bogey and Doors night. The trip up PCH was, other than the Doors, in recognition of one of Bogart's lesser known movies, "They Drive by Night." In '74 and '75, while vaguely being aware of Jim Morrisons Florida problems (I was in Vietnam at the time and news was scarce) an old HS buddy was living down in Dade County and managing the apartment complex his father and the Judge from the Morrison trial owned so I heard all the gossip about the trial from the judge's son.
Jim's my dead brother-in-law.
:-)
A Bogey and Doors night is a good night. That was a great trucker movie from what I remember.
Good story. I missed out on Our Indochinese Adventure, being in High School at that time but I remember the news footage and the Lotteries and the body counts on the News each night.
I went to college with a lot of 'Nam vets. Most of them were emotionally damaged, more or less and no one I know treated them with anything but kindness and respect.
Still better than his cover version of "Renegades of Funk".
"From a different solar system many many galaxies away
We are the force of another creation"
Yeah, I'd buy that.
The encore will be a sarcastic version of "We Built This City".
Crystal Ship?
- Yeah, they do a Doors show, you'd be really impressed, in fact, it goes a
little like this:
Love me two times baby
Love me twice today
Love me two times girl
Cause I got AIDS
Love me two times baby,
once for tomorrow,
once cause I got AIDS
I hope those guys have a good sense a' humor and don't take us into court.
So, how's your BITCHIN CAMARO doing these days?
I call bullshit on 22. Pregnant elephanauts are not allowed to pilot spacepachyships. So that could never happen. It's unfair, but there you have it.
Oh, because they're lady pachyderms ? Republicans really, really hate vaginas. Even giant elephant vaginas.
I just assumed it was The Fifth Elephant.
I enjoy this joke immensely.
The RNC's Platform Committee is seen huddled over a huge book with the title To Serve Man.
It's the official RNC 2012 cookbook.
A Modest Proposal – for Dinner!
It Takes A Village – to Feed a Convention!
The Handmaid's Tale with the title crossed out and INSTURKSHUN MANUEL crudely printed in crayon.
It comes with a paint-by-numbers Madonna and Child.
Strongly advise Rebecca not to let you anywhere near her parachute, Jim. Here's 3 things I'd like to see happen: 1) Hurricane Isaac rips off part of roof of Tampa End Times Forum, closing that part and causing the cameras to keep going back to the steady streams of water pouring in while outside the streets of Tampa flood, eventually requiring rescue by the National Guard. 2) Idiot reaches for wallet to pay for hamburger at concession stand, grabs gun instead, shooting self in buttocks. Resulting panic injures 12 in stampede. 3) Cardinal Dolan spends 30 seconds thanking the GOP for their support against the birth control mandate, and a very uncomfortable 45 minutes raining fire and brimstone with a speech elaborating the social gospel of J. Christ to a twitching, indignant audience of puffy, rich white people.
Some asshole kid lights off a string of firecrackers on the convention floor and everyone shoots everybody else.
OH HELL YES.
You know it will happen.
RNC's Platform Committee will attempt to insert language demanding that Negros be declared illegal.
Negrodaumus appears in a halo of light and predicts an outbreak of multi-drug resistant gonorrhea sweeps through the convention.
And, by golly it happens.
26. Marcus Bachmann will announce his line of Chihuahua thongs.
27. In a prank move Sarah Palin will be nominated for president and will have pig blood spilled all over her during her acceptance speech and then goes full Carrie on the entire convention.
28. Monica Lewinsky will give a rousing speech about "family values" while wearing no pants.
29. Mitt Romney's white temples become self-aware and hijack his candidacy
30. One of the delegates shouts "Play Freebird!" Freebird actually gets played.
Jim Newell is not a role model.
I'm watching as least some of the RNC Convention, with the MUTE button on and providing my own musical soundtrack.
"…'cos you're an Asshole, you're an Asshole (That's Right!) you're an Asshole, you're an Asshole (Yes Yes!)" etc.
If I may suggest: Richard Cheese singing "Rape Me"
Rich. White. Republican.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrgpZ0fUixs
Oh. Man.
I would give up all of my meager retirement funds if we could get some latter-day Captain Crunch to override the Network feed with this when Mittens does his acceptance speech.
Some Teabaggers at home wouldn't notice, though.
Instead of using a TelePrompter, Mitt Romney will stick his face in a hat and read the speech that is written on golden plates for him by God. He will then sell the plates for a huge, non-taxable profit.
Rational thought will outweigh ignorant, extremist views, and the Republican party will regain relevance and respect and proceed to win every election and Academy Award and bring about peace and prosperity.
Shit Jim, making up absolute bullshit IS a lot harder than it looks. At least your list is somewhat believable.
I predict a riot. Bonzo Dog Doo Dah or Kaiser Chiefs, both good:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RDTGC_o1CM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hamKl-su8PE
The RNC will deploy an enormous holographic Wizard of Oz head of Breitbart, to yell "BEHAAAAVE YOURSELVES!" at the Occupy protesters outside.
OT (I guess?) but: Mitt Romney on Birther Remarks: "The Crowd Loved It".
You know who else made racist remarks that were loved by The Crowd?
Michael Richards?
Glenn Beck?
Oh, fuck you, Mittens. If the "remark" wasn't referencing birtherism, why the fuck was it a "joke" that the crowd loved?
Very true. If Bush had said that on the campaign trail against Kerry or Gore. Or for that matter if Gore or Kerry had said it on the campaign trail against Bush, the response would have been baffled silence.
Are you suggesting, Mitt, that there is something about your opponent, something you and apparently everyone in the audience tacitly acknowledge, some way in which he is different from you, that makes it reasonable to ask for his birth certificate and unthinkable to ask for yours?
I'm sure that the crowd loved it. But not because it was a funny joke.
The Adolph-meister!
Abraham Lincoln?
“I will say then that I am not, nor ever have been in favor of bringing about in anyway the social and political equality of the white and black races – that I am not nor ever have been in favor of making voters or jurors of negroes, nor of qualifying them to hold office, nor to intermarry with white people; and I will say in addition to this that there is a physical difference between the white and black races which I believe will forever forbid the two races living together on terms of social and political equality."
From the popular sitcom, "S@*! Lincoln Says".
Khan Noonien Singh?
In fairness to Mitt, it's the first thing he's said on the campaign that anybody loved. Let him bask in it for a moment.
What a sniveling little prick.
Lewis Ferret Con/Farrah Fawcecon?
Chaucer?
Of course the crowd loved it. It's a crowd of Romney voters. They'd love it if he said, "I was born here, nigger. Go back to Africa."
"You don't like it, do you Rocco, the storm? Show it your gun, why don't you? If it doesn't stop, shoot it."
Bogey, Florida and Hurricane Reference WIN
Rebecca gets all the good assignments. My company makes me go to Newark, DE once a month to tell eveyone there what's what. There's never a weather event, the cocaine sucks and the Marriott they put me up in smells like cat urine and smegma.
That'll teach you about repeatedly requesting the Christine O'Donnell Suite.
She is not a snitch. So it's cool to do coke in her suite.
There is a quite good Joann's Fabric and crafts Store in Newark, DE. That is all I can say for it.
Jesus will return inside the Convention hall. Immediately, He will be tackled by Xe Security, beaten and thrown in the holding tank with all the Occupy protesters.He will heal all their broken bones.
As Jesus can produce no proof of citizenship, He will be transferred to an INS holding camp indefinitely.
i hope there is a paultard fight.
Slap fight, natch. About "liberty".
99. 80% of america won't give a flying fuck.
Honestly? I would welcome George W. Bush back into the mix. He represents a breath of fresh air and a kind of political honesty that you don't see in the current lot of GOP contenders. Right, low bar and all.
Fucking Barry Goldwater would be scorned as a liburl by this crowd.
I'm having fun wondering what Eisenhower would do to Grover.
That is fun. Probably a lot of salty military talk, and, hopefully, a tactical surgical strike (or something military-y sounding).
The month before I came to the 'States, I was working construction in Western Canada. There were a couple of days where I did some repairs off on a site in Medicine Hat, Alberta, far from the main work in central Saskatchewan. The motel was in the middle of nothing, the motel bar was empty, the guy I was doing the remote work with had gone to bed at 9pm. (Following the custom of surveying crews, he was called the party chief. Though as many of us pointed out over the summer, working with him was not much of a party.)
So I went to my room to watch TV. Nothing decent on the Canadian channels so I tried the American ones. And right there, full screen, was the terrifying face of Jeanne Kirkpatrick talking about how she hadn't left the…. Naturally I switched to the next channel immediately. And right there, full screen, was the terrifying face of Jeanne Kirkpatrick talking about Democratic Party, rather the Democratic…. Naturally I switched to the next channel immediately. And right there, full screen, was the terrifying face of Jeanne Kirkpatrick talking about Party had left her …. Naturally I switched to the next channel immediately. And right there, full screen, was the terrifying face of Jeanne Kirkpatrick listening to deafening applause ….
Now it occurred to me that I was trapped in a Twilight Zone episode. A particularly soul-crushing one. But some further reflection confirmed that it was the keynote address of the 1984 Republican Convention.
In the discussion after her speech, one of the blatherskites it described Barry Goldwater as a "Republican moderate". At that moment I wondered if I should cross the border.
As you can no doubt tell from this post, I revisit that moment, and that question, frequently.
At least you have someplace to go back to.
Yeah. I've never been to Canada, but do they feel the same way about us as Fox News does about Mexicans? Because Canada's always been my "Plan B", but I don't know if they would have me.
Oh then you'll love this tidbit from WaPo today wherein Dubya's post-presidential life includes golfing, bike riding and barbecue. And then he's lovingly described (in much the way Ronnie was described after Iran-Contra) as being aware and engaged — he looks at you when you say his name and all kinds of other smart things.
Also he calls life post-presidency "awesome." I wouldn't say it's awesome but it's decidedly better.
"he's lovingly described (in much the way Ronnie was described after Iran-Contra) as being aware and engaged — he looks at you when you say his name and all kinds of other smart things."
I've heard that if you hold a shiny object in front of his face, and then move it slowly back and forth, his eyes will track the motion.
That puts him one up on Sarah Palin.
I guess it's decidedly better in that he hasn't killed any more brown people….that we know of, anyway.
The design for his Library sorta sucks. In the first place, it's over 226,000 sq feet. All that to house the goat book? Really? I wonder if it gets a special display in the 9/11 room: "The steel will be surrounded by walls bearing the names of the victims of 9/11 and a video loop of the Twin Towers getting hit and going down." Like everyone hasn't seen that too many times already. I liked that in Fahrenheit 9/11 Michael Moore didn't show the towers at all- he showed the expressions on the faces of people watching it happen. Much more moving.
Chris Christie will be found sunning himself on Clearwater Beach. The Florida Marine Mammal Stranding Network Response team wastes hours trying to push him back into the water.
How can you possibly say they were wasting hours?
If he's still on dry land at the end of it, you sort of have to put it in the "loss" column.
They gave up after the dozer threw a track.
That's a good point.
3.14 (easy as pi):
During Archbiishop Cardinal Tim Dolan's closing benediction a middle-aged gent stands up, screams "pedophile," and he has the photos to prove it.
D V R! D V R! D V R!
Ted Nugent and Dave Mustaine will back up Pat Boone singing God Bless America while Kirk Cameron weeps uncontrolably.
Pat Boone's still alive?
In a vain attempt to get some air time, Sarah Palin and Megs McCain will to the prong dance in a local Asparagus patch….no one will notice.
Please do not tell me what the Prong Dance is.
Deal.
The RNC – "Fifty Shades of White."
#30 – People will say things they don't really believe, with conviction in their voices and diamonds in their eyes.
Fifty Shades of Meh is more like it.
Tow of Mitt Romney's Monocles will have to be separated and sent home because they were making a Spectacle of themselves.
You deserve a posting time-out for that groanmaker.
I fisted you anyway.
Thank you and Sorry. Something compelled me to post that, but it was really funny when Terry-Thomas said it!
Terry-Thomas though he was homosexual, but he was only half in Ernest.
Now, that's funny!
Someone will mention 9/11 and talk about how George W. Bush killed Osama bin Laden afterward.
Average Voter thinks he remembers that.
so today!
1. i got solicited to be a republican judge (voted for santorum in march to say fuck you to romney) in cook county. i see opportunities for mischief (mrs robinson to impressionable teatard benjamin?)
also today!
2. Mr Fuflans got tickets to the dem convention! this is important b/c Mom Mr Fuflans is a lifetime (GA) libtard and has fought the good (GA bridge club) fight for years and has had a very bad year and desperately wanted to go.
so today we celebrate our relative good fortune.
before the apocalypse of president romney.
Mitt Romney will release his tax returns for the past ten years.
HA HA, just kidding.
He will wipe his ass with a copy of the Constitution on live TeeVee.
All you Samsung users: your comments will disappear at midnight.
A Prodigy 'email account'? He sent it from his Prodigy email account?
"On Wednesday evening, Sen. Jim Summerville (R-Dickson) sent an email to Rep. Barbara Cooper (D-Memphis) saying he did "not give a rat's a–" what the Black Caucus thought of a report released by his subcommittee regarding Tennessee State University. Summerville apparently sent his message from a private Prodigy email account."
Prodigy
did he type it on a Kaypro using Volkswriter?
Does that require a Prodigy serial port dongle?
Airport restroom incident.
Only one?
Only one involving a US Senator.
What about Congress, eh? They usually lead on these things.
More would be reported if not for the self-loathing and duct tape involved.
44356. Rent-A-Boy will choose this week to let their stocks to go public. Lindsey Graham makes such a killing with his "investments" that he retires from politics.
The End
I read that as "Rent Boy George"
Legitimate rape.
If the GOP conventioneers have to be bussed to Houston, will Barbara Bush call them lucky ducks?
2371982739812. In an attempt to secure the cheeto-dusted shutin with compulsive masturbation problem vote, Willard will show a "tribute to Ron Paul".
What's that? Oh. No, really? Fuck.
Ann Coulter's penis will run away to seek asylum in the Magic Kingdom.
"Tuck and tape" or "hiding her candy" will now be referred to "seeking asylum in the Magic Kingdom."
I imagine the poor little useless appendage sobbing: nobody loves me….!
Becka will FUCKIN’ LANDS IT ANYWAY thanks to the timely deployment of her frontal airbag system.
OT My favorite OCD-suffering vampire has died.
oh sad.
One sad, ah ah ah.
I think I am Number Four sad…
Someone will recast and introduce the proceedings as a Broadway flop…………….
As long as they get the people who did the rigging for Spiderman, it's all good.
32. The hurricane will force the Blahs and the Messicants to search refuge inside the convention center.
Here -> http://www.electoral-vote.com/
is the awful truth Mitt Romney faces at this point. Tanenbaum has had better than Nate Silver success over the last four federal election cycles in his lengthy analysis of the vast number of state pols which are generated.
His outlook is thus and is why the current picture for Romney is not very good. Simply, Florida is tied and if Romney looses it he is toast. No question.
However, what if Romney gets Florida? He still has a tough row to hoe. Getting Florida and keeping the marginal states of IA and NC (Which Obama won in 2008) leaves Romney with 241 Electoral votes out of 270 needed to win. The states closest to going for Romney (but all went for Obama in 2008 by at least 5%) are OH, VA, WI, CO & NV. Romney needs at least two, VA & OH and gets only 272 electoral votes. If he does not get OH, he needs ALL the other four. So we're making plans to be in OH driving people to the polls who may be disenfranchised because of the termination of early voting rules.
Tanenbaum has had better than Nate Silver success over the last four federal election cycles
Is that true? I thought Mr. Silver had been pretty much on the money for the last couple.
gotta say, i really hope so.
nate's been depressing me lately. the trajectory is all in romney's favor.
I haven't been able to look for the last few days…
For some perspective, the first time I heard about Silver was right after Palin got the nod. I was in a OFA training and Silver had McCain up by nearly double digits. So understand that an upward trend when your side dominates the media is sort of expected, and Romney is nowhere near as well liked as McCain was. I wouldn't bet against team O, and I don't think Silver would, either.
thanks. that is very good to remember.
i just wish it was over already. i've been sick of it since before LAST summer.
Opinion, memory and poor sentence structure. I didn’t know Nate Silver’s work before 2008 but have followed Tanenbaum’s http://www.electoral-vote.com since 2004. It is my recollection that Nate Silver was predicting a much closer race in 2008 at his pre-NY Times web site and only the Kerry states plus OH and maybe VA.
Nate Silver misprognostigated one state in 2008 and spent ages going over his methodology to explain why he fucked up. He's rather good. This was back when he had 538.com before selling out to the NYT (although fair play to the guy).
I'm adding Tanenbaum's site to my "must visit" list. It's a fuckload better than RCP, and it actually mostly agrees with what Silver has at the moment.
we can help in OH. i can't face MI this year (2008 was scary enough) and WI hates FIB (people from IL) and i think IN is lost (or doesn't matter) so yeah, we could do a weekend in western OH.
oi. i'm scaring myself.
Our local hate-radio talk guy was bemoaning the "fact" that "the electoral college is rigged against Romney". Boy, those founders sure had some foresight!
You are an optimist. I feel worse about the outcome of this election that I did before 2008. Filled with dread.
So has the RNC got permission from Procol Harum to use Whiter Shade of Pale as the Convention goto song?
I'd like to pay someone to slip White Punks On Dope into the program.
Great tune, great band.
Mittens will demonstrate the impossibility of impregnating a woman through legitimate rape using Ann a la John Cleese as a sex ed instructor in the Meaning of Life.
James O'Keefe will attend, in flagrant violation of his probation. He won't face any sanction.
Okeefe will Roofie an Intern too, just for fun. It's all good though, because it was an Illegitimate Rape.
Bedbugs.
Sarah Palin will rent an entire hotel floor for her and her Entourage. Huge crowds will attend the disgraceful booze and meth parties that occur and the floor will be stripped of everything but the paint on the walls. They all will be evicted on Thursday.
Everyone who visits will become infested by Necator americanus.
Todd Palin's "Special homemade Wild Game Sausage" gives everybody Kuru.
Entertainment: Mark Foley, David Vitter and Larry Craig come on stage dressed as the three ages of Elvis to sing Gwen Stefani's "Rich Girl", whilst Dick Cheney, dressed in an Elmer Fudd costume, lurches around in the background with a duck-hunting gun.
Jim, I appreciate the old school utter stupidity and drunkeness of this list. 15, 13 and 3 will happen, mayhaps I think.
Instead of Purple Heart Band-Aids, the most popular accessory brandished on the convention floor will be fake Kenyan Birth Certificates.
I think that this might actually happen.
The funny thing is they will all say that Obama was born in Hawai'i. These folks think Hawai'i is in Kenya.
Learning. It's not their strong suit.
Here. This will get you started.
Check out my Official Fake Kenyan Birth Certificate"
Damn. I tried to make you one, but mine "could not be displayed because it contained errors", too. Maybe the site has gone stale.
Yeah, it's gone kludgy. Mine's got 0 bytes and I can't get it to work.
Weedlord Bonerhitler is displeased.
Crabs.
Now, there's some classic SFX.
To open the convention, a group of brown-shirted "Ryan Youth" will put on a demonstration of synchronized negro bashing, followed by a pax-de-deux of Mormon youth in white shirts and black slacks.
Black Slacks?
Sherrif Joe's Pussy Possee get caught hung over in the pool in pink underwear?
26. Whilst making his nomination speech, Sarah Palin, fearing losing star billing, will fuck Mitt Romney on the convention floor, 'cause that's just how she rolls. The resulting spawn will become the anti-christ.
27. The Ron Paul Revolution will be carried out. There will be blood, and the revolution will be televised.
28. Movement conservatives hold a seance to bodily resurrect the corpse of Reagan.
29. The Prince of Air & Darkness introduces the Koch Bros. to slow, slavish, and thunderous applause.
30: Tuesday will be a demonstration by Todd Akin of a legitimate and illegitimate rape.
31. Chris Christie will be nominated as vice president after physically absorbing skinny-assed Paul Ryan simply by standing in close proximity to him.
32. The Romney Boys and Huntsman Girls will be caught in compromising positions after a night of hard partying: Getting hopped up at a late-night Starbucks on coffee beverages whilst dancing to County & Western music with unclean words and mild swears.
33. To pass the time, the press corp will play a game of "Where's Waldo" with ethnic and racial minorities on the convention floor.
34. Billy Graham will be wheeled around the conventiion Weekend at Bernie's style.
33. To pass the time, the press corp will play a game of "Where's Waldo" with ethnic and racial minorities on the convention floor.
bwahaha – the wife and I try "spot the minority" every time we see a Ryan or Romney stump. It's incredibly hard to play.
During Mitt's Ryan Introduction of the USS Wisconsin, they helpfully positioned the One Black Couple directly behind the podium, center camera.
Now don't say that the Republican Party never did anything for you.
Sometime, it's pretty easy. They like to stack staged speeches with the handful of minorities that manage to show up.
And for the close, a water show spectacular, Holidays on Isaac!
Cokie Roberts will file important commentary to NPR on the latest from the convention floor, by phone. From home.
LOL. I can see Cokie basically not giving a fuck cuz this is just so Old Hat to her, but are you also implying that the GOP would just as soon allow Karl Marx into the convention as a NPR reporter?
I actually didn't consider that "Liberal Media" angle, but it's a good point.
Cokie is notorious for phoning in, both literally and figuratively, her Morning Edition political commentary. Her dog barking in the background tumbled her game years ago.
I listen to that all the time on my drive to work. She usually seems like she could not only phone it in, but do so in her sleep. "Same old shit, different day" would be par for the course.
Add some generalizations, drop a few names and stir in a dollop of Conventional Wisdom and you're got the recipe.
Long time NPR listener, but as soon as I hear that Cokie is up next I change the station for 5 minutes or so. Waste of my time.
They may allow FOXNEWS's Mara Liasson, and maybe FOXNEWS's Cokie Roberts, but they draw the line at goddam Robert Siegel.
Well, at least they won't have Dan Rather to kick around anymore.
Rotary.
Magneto-crank.
There will be prodigious amounts of buttsechs.
Gov. Scott will motorboat Gov. Christie.
Expect a speech on how America needs jobz, jobz are the #1 issue. Applause from the delegates. Next speaker makes some birther jokes and a religious reference. Insane, cheering, jumping up and down from the delegates.
If you haven't read Bill Maher's post, you should. Here's the first paragraph, and then it goes on about unicorns and other magical thinking and it's good:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-maher/todd-aki…
Normally I think Bill Maher is a complete dick, but he's right this time.
Sorry, but this is FUCKING lame for Wonkette, and we do not grade on the curve here!
You should probably get a refund on your subscription.
I tried that once and they wanted to pay me off in buttsechs.
I declined.
Editor Jim will take the brown acid, again.
Another pregnant Palin will be announced.
26) Oily Taitz will self-combust
You fuckers are all fucking high.
Brother, don't you know it?
Yeah. This happens every time I visit. Even though Momma told me not to come.
She said: "That ain't the way to have fun, no!"
What a useful list! I would love to watch out for these exceptional occurrences except I won't be watching any of the convention coverage because, like so many other folks commenting here, I have a powerful aversion to the taste of my own bile.
Yeah but, but, where else will you hear the latest invocations of Reagan?
I keep a bucket handy. Saves time.
Holy shit, now this is the kind of post that takes me back.
A refreshing break from rape fatigue.
25A. Hungover delegates realize Romney has never felt the world spin against his will, in freak reversal vote overwhelmingly for Obama to be Republican candidate too.
Seriously, I'm having an awesome Friday/Saturday, knowing a headache is coming and wondering how the hell any normal person can relate to anyone who has never felt the joys of a bleary-eyed breakfast.
I'm gazing into a bowl of horribly-foreshortened Cornflakes thinking:
"This is the Life."
Davros suddenly appears, leading a company of Daleks.
The RNC forms them into the Skaro delegation, replacing all the Ron Paul delegates at the convention.
26. Tampa's Craig's list sexy time section is so overloaded that the servers crash and no one gets laid. RNC is declared a failure.
If NOBAMA and the National Weather Service succeed in destroying the Tampa convention, delegates are encouraged to attend this alternate Republican Convention.
Don't miss out on this amazing opportunity to attend and present at an
important brain injury event!
I'm going to sign up as "Brian Damage".
The lunatics are in the convention center
The lunatics are in the convention center
They shout and pray
They hate the gays
Got to keep the loonies on the stage
And if the band you're in
starts playing White Pride tunes
I'll see you on the Dark Side of the Moon.
I admittedly haven't read through all the comments but I wanted to make sure
MAN BOOBS
made the list.
Panel, if any of these things happen, we'll ask you about it next week on "Wait, Wait, Don't Nominate That Asshole for Pre–Oops! Too late."
RNC releases Election Platform title
Rush Limbaugh will interview a Meterologist.
The RNC will have a public rejection of teaching schoolchildren Evolution.
Mitt Romney will announce a new Manned Space Program,
based wholly upon this movie.
Hurricane Issac hits Tampa; Pat Robertson blames the Republicans for angering The Lord by nominating a Mormon. He then babbles, "Ah think ah'm in trouble again."
Don't want to piss off Michelle Malkin though, so maybe tennis balls.
Bowling.
At the time that it was fresh, I made one for one of the bosses at work, who is an ex-Raytheon Republican Welfare Queen Dittohead Birther, and put it up on the bulletin board. Now, the entire bulletin board has been removed so that such things can never happen again.
"It's people like you wot cause unrest."
We tend to like most Americans that we've met as individuals as nice folk, but as an aggregate, we think that the American nation is batshit crazy. And any American who has voluntarily immigrated to our socialist no-handgun paradise? Obviously worth saving.
As a registered DemRat, upon crossing the border I will demand a welfare check, Cadillac, and free housing. For starters.
It was a catchphrase routinely applied to Gov. Quinn in Illinois by various state administrators. I assume it still is, since he can't talk for more than 10 seconds without going off on a random tangent.
Bravo Sir or Madam.
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