Mitt Romney has taken to the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal to share with you a children’s story about How Mitt Romney Saved Capitalism. This is in preparation for the upcoming sequel, Mitt Romney Saves Everything In The World And Paul Ryan Is Here, Too.
The back-to-school season is here, and as parents take their children to shop for school supplies, I suspect that many of them will be visiting a Staples store. I’m very familiar with those stores because Staples is one of many businesses we helped create and expand at Bain Capital, a firm that my colleagues and I built. The firm succeeded by growing and fixing companies.
Do you know that pencil you use to write down your maths? The eraser you use to hide your shameful mistakes because under Obamunism you do not know your numbers? Mitt Romney gave you that power. It is his power.
A question before we continue: why does Mitt Romney write like a nervous high schooler writing for an essay competition? “I’m very familiar with these stores”? Is this some fucking novel revelation because you are fifteen years old and the most exciting thing you’ve ever done in your life is hugged a girl for a really long time behind an RV on your family vacation?
Mitt Romney also gives you clear information on how he would turn this great big old country around! He would build a team, and then make things easier based on Republican talking points!
A broad message emerges from my Bain Capital days: A good idea is not enough for a business to succeed. It requires a talented team, a good business plan and capital to execute it. That was true of companies we helped start, like Staples and the Bright Horizons child-care provider, and several of the struggling companies we helped turn around, like the Brookstone retailer and the contact-lens maker Wesley Jessen.
My presidency would make it easier for entrepreneurs and small businesses to get the investment dollars they need to grow, by reducing and simplifying taxes; replacing Obamacare with real health-care reform that contains costs and improves care; and by stemming the flood of new regulations that are tying small businesses in knots.
Mitt Romney has finally done what he needed to do to really connect with voters: turned his largely nonsensical campaign platform into a choppily written college admissions essay. We will spare you the rest of the piece, which is a starfucking name-check of companies you’ve never heard of but Mitt invented and/or nursed back to health.
When you buy a thing later today (which you won’t do, because this economy is terrible and you have no money), think of Mitt. It’s almost certainly his doing.