mitt romney actually did build that

Mitt Romney Talks Down At You For A Bit Today

mitt romney invented chicken

Mitt Romney has taken to the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal to share with you a children’s story about How Mitt Romney Saved Capitalism. This is in preparation for the upcoming sequel, Mitt Romney Saves Everything In The World And Paul Ryan Is Here, Too.

The back-to-school season is here, and as parents take their children to shop for school supplies, I suspect that many of them will be visiting a Staples store. I’m very familiar with those stores because Staples is one of many businesses we helped create and expand at Bain Capital, a firm that my colleagues and I built. The firm succeeded by growing and fixing companies.

Do you know that pencil you use to write down your maths? The eraser you use to hide your shameful mistakes because under Obamunism you do not know your numbers? Mitt Romney gave you that power. It is his power.

Related video

A question before we continue: why does Mitt Romney write like a nervous high schooler writing for an essay competition? “I’m very familiar with these stores”? Is this some fucking novel revelation because you are fifteen years old and the most exciting thing you’ve ever done in your life is hugged a girl for a really long time behind an RV on your family vacation?

Mitt Romney also gives you clear information on how he would turn this great big old country around! He would build a team, and then make things easier based on Republican talking points!

A broad message emerges from my Bain Capital days: A good idea is not enough for a business to succeed. It requires a talented team, a good business plan and capital to execute it. That was true of companies we helped start, like Staples and the Bright Horizons child-care provider, and several of the struggling companies we helped turn around, like the Brookstone retailer and the contact-lens maker Wesley Jessen.

My presidency would make it easier for entrepreneurs and small businesses to get the investment dollars they need to grow, by reducing and simplifying taxes; replacing Obamacare with real health-care reform that contains costs and improves care; and by stemming the flood of new regulations that are tying small businesses in knots.

Mitt Romney has finally done what he needed to do to really connect with voters: turned his largely nonsensical campaign platform into a choppily written college admissions essay. We will spare you the rest of the piece, which is a starfucking name-check of companies you’ve never heard of but Mitt invented and/or nursed back to health.

When you buy a thing later today (which you won’t do, because this economy is terrible and you have no money), think of Mitt. It’s almost certainly his doing.

[Wall Street Journal]

Related

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

126 comments

  1. Wadisay

    Say, I would like to go out and pick up an I-beam and some rebar from GST Steel today, Mitt. Where the hell are their stores?

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Just try to find something at Staples not made in China. Except for a few pencils still made here, good luck.

  2. ChillBill

    "I’m very familiar with those stores because Staples is one of many businesses we helped create and expand at Bain Capital, a firm that my colleagues and I built. "

    Hate to tell you, Mitt, but you didn't built that.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      What's a little Central American blood money between vulture capitalists? Other than the only thing that they could get early on.

  3. metamarcisf

    I'd be more interested in hearing Romney explain how Bain's decision to hire Michael Scott torpedoed the once great Dunder Mifflin

  4. Barb_

    Just wait until Mitt buys the Wall Street Journal and outsources it, renaming it the Bheemunipatnam Street Journal.

    1. eggsacklywright

      Isn't a cayman some kind of abbreviated alligator? Vicious little fuckers, I hear. So having one as your banker seems appropriate.

      1. Oblios_Cap

        A Caymian is a cross between a caiman (gator-like animal) and a Cayman Island. I think they're the Lizard People.

  5. Texan_Bulldog

    "The back-to-school season is here, and as parents take their children to shop for school supplies, I suspect that many of them will be visiting a Staples store."

    Actually, no, dumbass. People get back to school supplies from WalMart or Target because office supply stores charge people double or triple what the other stores do. Such a know-nothing-about-the-little-people dumbass!

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Staples and Office Depot will occasionally stock up on cheap pencils for back to school promos, but yeah, if you try to buy your whole list there you do wind up overpaying for something. I say this having had to wander from store to store to meet the very specific demands of my kids' schools for years – this year, for various reasons, no actual lists, and I'm freaking out a little.

    2. zumpie

      Or, if you live in the Pacific Northwest, you closely follow the weekly Price Blasters at Fred Meyer's and buy your stuff there—saving both an extra trip AND $$$$. Last year I bought enough school supplies for two years and spent around $10. Every office supply store around here has that "one step away from closing" feel anyway.

    3. PsycWench

      That's exactly what I was thinking!! a) these stores jack up the prices (so they can offer "discounts" to businesses and b) if you've seen a supply list you'd know that Staples just doesn't have some of this stuff. I don't remember seeing a nap mat or ziplock bags or Clorox wipes there. They also lack a good selection of sparkly pencils and folders with ponies and dolphins on the cover.

    4. Guppy

      Except Target wants to execute gays and Walmart is generally evil. With Staples heavy with Mittens' taint, I have to ask: is there any particular reason avoid Office Despot right now?

      1. mayor_quimby

        I would tell you, but you really don't wanna know what they do to baby otters at Office Depot executive retreats.

  6. actor212

    Ahem

    Mr. Romney includes in his tally the total Staples head count today, about 88,000 jobs. Securities filings show Bain owned 7.3% of the office-supply retailer when it went public in 1989 and had sold out by early 1992, when Staples had 5,300 employees.

    If you're going to claim credit for twenty year old "turnarounds", I think you owe us your tax returns from at least that far back proving you were involved.

  7. BlueStateLibel

    Just remember: Staples put many mom-and-pop stationers on Main Street out of business, it didn't create anything "new." I could buy the things Staples sold before Staples existed, and at stores more convenient to me, run by real small business people, not minimum wage workers.

    1. hagajim

      Not only that, but most of the Mom and Pops that Staples stomped usually paid their employees better.

      1. shelwood46

        Not in my experience. The small office supply store I worked for grudgingly paid me minimum wage. I made up for it by… well, you know how some people steal office supplies? Imagine if your whole office was just office supplies. I was the only 20-year-old making minimum wage with 3 Cross pens.

    2. MacRaith

      But Staples is more "efficient", meaning that it's better at making its wealthy shareholders even richer while delivering inferior products at inflated prices. And those minimum-wage workers? It's wrong to give poor people money for doing work, because that just makes them dependent.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Absolutely! The fundamental Republican principle: The poor don't work because they're paid too much, and the rich don't work because they aren't paid enough.

    3. Lascauxcaveman

      Exactly. Instead of paying $.25 for a pencil at nice little mom and pop store three blocks away, you're getting it for twenty cents at a place you have drive six miles to get to.

      And that mom and pop store, when it closed, sat empty for four years until it became an informal meth/prostitution market and finally, was gutted by arson.

      So "yay" for fucking Staples.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Or on the flipside paying 70 instead of 80 bucks for what you think is a "good pen" as a gift but couldn't really get a sense for in the store since it was locked up, only to find out that it had cheap plastic guts because the company now makes everything in China for as little as possible and broke the first time your friend/relative used it.

        Not that I've ever been on any side of such a transaction.

  8. Chichikovovich

    A good idea is not enough. It requires….capital to execute it.

    And that's why when I'm president I'm going to slash government revenues and ratchet up military spending.

  9. chicken_thief

    The WSJ?! Like your fucking base is going to read the WSJ! ahahhahahahah!!! Mittens, you so fuh-neeeee!!!

  10. FlownOver

    I was in Staples the other day and they've expanded their weapons department a lot.

    Bring it on, U.N.! The Amercian business community is ready for you!

  11. Calapine

    Mitt's leaked first draft:

    When I worked at Bain Capital I saved many companies, because I understand how business works. I know that a good idea is not enough, you need a team also. When I am President I will lower taxes after I repealed Obamacare. My reform will contain costs and improve care, because as a businessman I understand regulations are bad.
    I believe in America.

    Please vote for me in 2012.

    Mitt Romney"

  12. Steverino247

    Remember KB Toys? I fucked her. It was great. I put something in her drink, leveraged the shit outta her. Heh, heh.

      1. Steverino247

        The point of my post is that groups like Bain essentially raped and left for dead one business after another. We should assign the FBI Behavioral Analsys Unit to look into Bain Captial.

  13. JustPixelz

    "A good idea is not enough for a business to succeed. It requires a talented team, a good business plan and capital to execute it."

    If we apply that to governing instead of to a business, it's obvious Mittens would be missing only three of the needed elements in his presidency.

  14. weejee

    and capital to execute it

    But, but, Mr. Mittens sir, you say you want to execute slash taxes. If you do that, then where is the capital needed for your plan? Oh, in the Cayman Islands. Now I get it, you will solve corporate jobz outsourcing by having the rich ship their monies overseas too. Quid pro dead crow. Got it.

  15. hagajim

    It requires a talented team, a good business plan and capital to execute it…My presidency would make it easier for entrepreneurs and small businesses to get the investment dollars they need

    So in this See Dick (or Mitt) Run essay, is R'Money saying that he would provide the capital for small businesses to grow? Why would he do that? Seems like he's been dodging paying the capital we the Peeples need to run our gubmint for years.

  16. WhatTheHeck

    Children, gather around. I have a lesson for you today. Have you heard of market capitalism? Well, if we let the market regulate itself, nothing can go wrong and we ’ll all be rich.
    Class dismissed.

    1. comrad_darkness

      Needz moar women and children getting kicked out of company housing after dad is crushed in a horrific industrial accident.

      1. zumpie

        Needz moar wimmin and childrens workin' themselves for 70+ hour work weeks while constracting fatal illnez. Lazy sponges!!!

  17. calliecallie

    I actually might have gone to Staples to get my son's school supplies, but now that Mitt is shamelessly plugging for them, I can't. And for various boycotty reasons I don't go to Target anymore either. I'm running out of options….

  18. actor212

    That was true of companies we helped start, like Staples and the Bright Horizons child-care provider, and several of the struggling companies we helped turn around, like the Brookstone retailer and the contact-lens maker Wesley Jessen.

    Ummmmmmmmmm, Mitt?

    The Advisory Board includes scholars and practitioners such as Ed Schein and Stew Friedman. The company was publicly traded on the Nasdaq under the ticker symbol: BFAM until it was acquired by Bain Capital in May 2008.

    So you actually retired in 2008? Not 1999? Or 2002? Is this a pre-retroactive retirement now?

  19. SorosBot

    Why would he need to do "stemming the flood of new regulations that are tying small businesses in knots" when the economy is now less regulated than it has been since FDR took over, and it's the lack of regulation that's allowed the financial industry to destroy our economy?

  20. rockyoumonkeys

    Now we see why he objects so much to Obama's "you didn't build that" comment. He thinks he built fucking EVERYTHING.

  21. Maman

    "It requires a talented team, a good business plan and capital to execute it."

    Execute? Really, dude? I see you killing the dream of a nice company making a reasonable profit and turning it into a nightmare for everyone but you.

    Execute indeed.

  22. Goonemeritus

    I never do back to school shopping I just steal pens from government offices for my kids. It makes us feel more dependentie and we like that.

  23. ShuCityRefugee

    I had to Wiki Brookstone before commenting, and was surprised to learn that they really are still in business. They have seemed to be going the way of Sharper Image for years. The last product I purchased from them was of shockingly poor quality, and their stores have had very little in the way of unique merchandise for ages.

    1. FearofaBlackReagan

      Brookstone is a dildo store.

      All the other stuff is camouflage, so the Olds can walk in and buy "electronic massage products" (aka a dildo) without feeling like pervs. This is how Brookstone makes money, and the only thing they make money on.

    2. NYNYNYjr

      Ha– I was going to say- thank you so much Mitt- for Brookstone, the Sharper Image of the late-90s. It truly was a place that you could wander into while you were in the mall and entertain yourself for 5 minutes.

  24. orygoon

    There was no Staples when I was a child, so I never had any school supplies, and I never learned to read or write.

    You stupid fucker.

  25. Serolf_Divad

    " A broad message emerges from my Bain Capital days: A good idea is not enough for a business to succeed. It requires a talented team, a good business plan and capital to execute it. "

    So all you businessmen who started out with an idea and set out to turn it into a reality: you didn't build this… Bain Capital did, when they bought it out from under you and fired half the employees.

  26. Chichikovovich

    replacing Obamacare with real health-care reform that contains costs and improves care;

    The first draft of the op-ed had continued:

    "And you know I am serious about this – it will happen. It's true that Republicans have held the presidency for 20 of the last 33 years. And during that time people have talked about health care a lot, but not one of those Republican presidents moved a finger to do anything about it. Clinton tried, but it was blocked by Republicans in Congress. But the Republicans in Congress did propose a plan, that Bob Dole put forward as his alternative, when he ran for President. I was so impressed with this plan that I put it into operation in Massachusetts when I was governor there. And Obama, showing the instincts that led him to become the Most Divisive President in American History (sic) proposed my plan, the Republican plan, the Bob Dole plan, the Heritage foundation plan, as his health care plan, which tells you just how much of a socialist Marxist he really is. Naturally I'm going to repeal my own plan, and replace it with something else I'm not going to tell you anything about. Except that it involves selling insurance across state lines, and something-something-tort-reform. And tax cuts. There are some people who suggest that against the background of this history, the suggestion that I will do anything at all about health care after scuttling Romneycare Obamacare is laughable. But those people lack faith in America."

    But it had to be cut for reasons of space.

  27. C_R_Trogloraptor

    Hey there, Mitt? Are you familiar with a company called Sensata Technologies? It's a firm with a factory in Freeport, Illinois that Bain Capital, bought, leveraged the bejeezus out of, skimmed huge profits off of and now is closing out and sending all those jobs to China.

    Bonus: Bain's making the Freeport employees train the Chinese workers who are replacing them! Now, that's progress!

    Oh, by the way: Some of those laid-off Sensata employees are coming to see you at the Republican Convention next week. Be sure to give them a nice little pep talk about the importance of supporting Society's Job Creators.

  28. RadioBowels

    So he didn't build it himself.
    Anyway, Obama took ol' what's his name out — that's way better than some ink and toner depot.

  29. owhatever

    MEMO FROM MITT:
    To RNC plannets
    How many times do I have to tell you. We open with the Horst Wessel song, use Lili Marlene to introduce Ann's speech, and close with Tomorrow Belongs To Me.
    Heil to me.
    M.

  30. Terry

    "It requires a talented team, a good business plan and capital to execute it."

    Uh, Mitt? You know, right, that capital within government comes from taxes (some fees, too)? If you somehow do manage to become president, you can hire people, make a darn fine plan, but then if you cut the taxes on the rich people you won't have capital within government to do any of the nifty things you have planned to save democracy and the country. You know that, right?

    1. hagajim

      Unfortunately, he doesn't. None of the GOP presidents knew that, they just slapped it all on the China R Us credit card.

  31. Fare la Volpe

    Is this some fucking novel revelation because you are fifteen years old and the most exciting thing you’ve ever done in your life is hugged a girl for a really long time behind an RV on your family vacation?

    QUIT READING MY DIARY WONKETTE. GAWD.

  32. Naked_Bunny

    I'm not surprised that Mitt helped create a company with giant warehouse stores that crush surrounding small businesses, then pretends he's all for helping small businesses.

  33. Naked_Bunny

    My presidency would make it easier for entrepreneurs and small businesses to get the investment dollars they need to grow, by reducing and simplifying taxes

    Taxes are so high, investors are holding onto their money instead of investing it, even though investing it would reduce their taxes. Obviously, if we reduce their tax rates so that they pay less on the money that they aren't investing, they will invest more of it.

    replacing Obamacare with real health-care reform that contains costs and improves care

    Republicans are suddenly concerned about these things, now that Obama actually did something about it over their unified objections.

    and by stemming the flood of new regulations that are tying small businesses in knots.

    Republicans hate burdensome regulations.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      And when teachers were not expected to purchases school supplies for the class out of their own pockets, because of taxes, also?

    2. Naked_Bunny

      Yeah, I just saw the list of supplies one of my co-workers had to buy for her daughter. About the only items from that list that students had to buy when I was in middle school were the notebooks and pencils.

      I'm half expecting them to add "toner" and "floor cleaner" soon.

  34. deanbooth

    Recommended first sentence: Webster's dictionary defines bullshit as "Statements made for personal gain, without regard for their truth or falsity."

  35. DahBoner

    There's an old saying in Tennessee or maybe Escondito, may the "Winds of Change" blow your Rich Hillbilly ass back to La Jolla…

  36. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    ’m very familiar with those stores because Staples is one of many businesses we helped create and expand at Bain Capital, a firm that my colleagues and I built. The firm succeeded by growing and fixing companies.

    By bankrupting them and selling off all their assets so that my colleagues and I can have dancing horses and car elevators.

  37. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    replacing Obamacare with real health-care reform that contains costs and improves care;

    If only there was a model that Romney could follow…., something that had been tested on the state level and was approved by the Heritage Foundation so that conservatives would accept it. You couldn't do single payer (too socialist), but maybe if you mandated individuals to buy insurance….,

  38. Callyson

    Running a business also brings lessons in tackling challenges. I was on the board of a medical diagnostic-laboratory company, Damon, when a competitor announced that it had settled with the government over a charge of fraudulent Medicare billing. I and fellow Damon outside board members joined together and immediately hired an independent law firm to examine Damon's own practices.
    The investigation revealed a need to make some changes, which we did. The company, along with several other clinical-laboratory companies, ended up being fined for billing practices. And a Damon manager who was responsible for the fraud went to jail. The experience taught me that when you see a problem, run toward it or it will only get worse.

    Really? We're supposed to be impressed because Bain called legal and hastily covered the tracks of one of their companies before the authorities got there?

    Profiles in leadership at work…

  39. Fox n Fiends

    Dear Lord, show us you really exist by having Hurrican Isaac smite this heathen next week.

    Thanks Dude!

  40. An_Outhouse

    "My presidency would make it easier for entrepreneurs and small businesses to get the investment dollars they need to grow"

    Now Romney is proposing turning the government into a bank. Talk about socialism.

  41. An_Outhouse

    I've heard of Staples. The rest of the fly by night scams Bain cooked up with in the smoky back quiet room, not so much. If you're going to name-drop you probably should drop a name somebody has heard of.

  42. ttommyunger

    One of the few good things about being old and not having to work any more is the ability to tell self-important dicks like Mitt Romney to fuck off; hopefully to their faces. One of the nice things about being Mitt Romney is that he'll probably never have to see someone like me face-to-face.

  43. VeraSevera

    More dirt on Staples please. Surely they exploit workers, promote men over women, have toilets that don't flush, rob their employees' pension fund. Something, anything!

  44. larrykat

    This is a great medium for Mitt to get out the message! When the moms and dads get home at 5 o'clock tonight from their minimum wage jobs, kick back in their Lazy Boys with the Wall Street Journal, they will appreciate Mitt's explanation!

  45. thurufally

    "We will spare you the rest of the piece, which is a starfucking name-check of companies you’ve never heard of but Mitt invented and/or nursed back to health."

    You should have posted the whole thing because this is the best part:

    "So, when you and that skank you pick up at the bar tonight stumble into bed, bombed as Baghdad, and start fucking with an Olympian intensity, just remember to give thanks to Bain Capital. After all, it wouldn't be possible if she hadn't been carrying that "Easy" button."

Comments are closed.