welcome to hell

These Obama And Romney Collectibles Poop Candy, For Your Mouth

Scary MonstersAre these election collectibles from “Political Poopers” worse than Hitler? MAYBE. We thought it would at least be toilet paper when we clicked on it, which is crass enough, but no, it is small Obama and Romney monsters. And they shit candy. From their butts. Which you then eat.

“I POOP CANDY” Obama screams. “I COME WITH CANDY TREATS” shouts Romney. We are done with all of you vulgar monsters. The Mayan apocalypse cannot come fucking soon enough.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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  • Barb_

    Romney's gives you Whoppers. Ann's version poops white and smells like cotton candy, the same as real life.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      cotton candy libel! Ann Romney would never do anything so common as poop.

      • Callyson

        Whores poop. Ladies relieve themselves. Mrs Romney graces us with her essence.

    • docterry6973

      Don't be silly. Ann's version doesn't poop at all. I comes packaged with a servant version that poops for her.

    • YasserArraFeck

      The Michelle version graces us with broccoli.

  • x111e7thst

    Mayan aporkalypse ftw!

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    According to Mitt, he poops jobs.

    • nounverb911

      In China.

      • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

        And poops ON American jobs.

    • miss_grundy

      He's promising 3 million energy jobs…whatever that means…

      • calliecallie

        What? You don't want to be a coal miner?

    • PsycWench

      shitty jobs

    • eggsacklywright

      Everything's better with poop on it.

      • viennawoods13

        I put that shit on everything.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    I assume the Romney one shits unflavored jellybeans.

  • nounverb911

    Does Romney's poop out gold bricks?

    • chicken_thief

      Ann has told you people all you need to know about the gold hoarded under the elevator in their new home.

  • elviouslyqueer

    “I COME WITH CANDY TREATS” shouts Romney.

    Well, this explains the stretch marks around Paul Ryan's mouth that you can see from Neptune.

    • chicken_thief

      *Marcus packs bag, heads to Michigan*

  • MacRaith

    Even in the form of a plastic figurine that poops candy, Mitt looks insufferably smug.

    • tessiee

      In every picture I've ever seen of Mitt, he always looks both smug and uncomfortable.
      I can't figure out how a face so expressionless can manage to convey *one* thing, let alone *two opposing* things.
      It's probably what Mormons have for miracles, instead of the good kind, like changing water into wine.

      • sewollef

        I imagine at the end of the day Mitt's magic underwear is a little, shall we say, crunchy from watching all those gold bars accumulate.

        Hence the idiot grin he wears all day long.

  • Serolf_Divad

    They're actually pretty cool.

    The Obama doll poops chocolate and has a windup mechanism that makes him walk.

    The Romney doll has a windup mechanism that sets in motion a process by which it undertakes a leveraged buyout of your home, tosses you out on the street, takes out a second, third and fourth mortgage on the home, pays itself a $1,000,000 bonus and then tears down the house and builds a Staples franchise on top.

    • freakishlywrong

      And then pays you less than minimum wage to paint that shit.

    • cheetojeebus

      ftw

    • chicken_thief

      I thought the Obama one had Bill Ayers and Saul Alinsky wind him up?

  • Fox E. Puppet

    Romney comes through his asshole? That's extra nasty…

  • nounverb911

    Where does the Seamus doll poop?

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Hersey's Chocolate Syrup?

    • tessiee

      All over the roof of the Hot Wheels car.

  • freakishlywrong

    With Mittens, the shit comes out of his mouth right? Like in real life?

  • http://twitter.com/bookofruthless boobookitteh

    Does the Santorum one dispense Hershey's syrup?

    • tessiee

      Mixed with egg whi–….
      *klunk!*
      *iz ded*

      • C_R_Trogloraptor

        No, it dispenses a frothy mixture of…*RETCH* Thump

  • Baconzgood

    When is this election over? I'm getting sick of it.

    • nounverb911

      The bad news is the 2016 presidential campaign starts November 7, 2012.
      The good news is the world ends December 21, 2012.

      • calliecallie

        Well played, Mayans. Well played.

    • freakishlywrong

      Hollah, Baconz.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I'm getting my holiday shopping done so early this year!

  • hagajim

    I guess someone decided to create a piece where art immitates life. I mean, really, haven't these guys (the parties) been taking a big dump on the American people for at least the past 20 years?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Currently available at a Staples near you.

  • C_R_Trogloraptor

    If there's any hookers in Tampa that will do this they will be very busy next week.

    • el_donaldo

      Any of them named "Candy Treats," perchance?

      • C_R_Trogloraptor

        Why, yes! It might be a Stage name, though.

    • tessiee

      I am SO buying stock in a company that makes glass-topped tables!

      • C_R_Trogloraptor

        Alright! You'll clean up! Ooooo…not literally though. Urgh.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Herman Cain uses these for red pepper + parmesan

  • sharethegrief

    Romney's shit is just the right size too.

  • Antispandex

    This is just wrong! If it was just Barry, sure, but how dare they make fun of the next Ronald Reagan, savior of America? This could only have been invented by the greatest enemy of the U.S.A…..maybe a Mexican, Muslim, Liberal? The trifecta of terror.

  • chicken_thief

    The Herman Cain one grabs your head and pulls it to his crotch where a tootsie roll appears.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      "You want a toy, right?"

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Might have been the timing or my funnybone was wound up just right, but this cracked me up~

  • tessiee

    In addition to everything else that's wrong with Romney, his toy poops white chocolate.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I'm assuming that the Romney figure only provides last years poop, keeps telling you he will give you this years poop eventually, and hides the rest of the poop because people will only use it against him.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    "Crap and Get It". Somewhere in Virginia a rightie-tightie business owner is making notes.

  • SorosBot

    That looks like a shitty piece of crap.

    • calliecallie

      manufactured in China, no doubt.

      • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        "I Poop Lead!"

  • proudgrampa

    The Obama doll looks too much like OJ Simpson.

    The Romney doll looks too much like an evil, bloodsucking, capitalist.

  • SorosBot

    OT, but auto-playing ads, with noise, that run on a continuous loop are really annoying.

  • OneYieldRegular

    What I would give to hear the dinner conversation in certain Chinese factory towns during U.S. election season…

  • LIT_Fag

    I'd buy the Obama one if it dispensed
    black licorice from his crotch

  • el_donaldo

    Obama apparently poops freely.

    Romney? He tells you he has sweet, sweet candy, but the tightass won't squeeze any out for you. You ask to see some proof that he's got some candy for you? He won't show you. Asshole.

  • Goonemeritus

    A Joe Biden one would just poop, but in a cool unaffected middleclass way.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      In a way that says "I'm from Scranton."

  • neiltheblaze

    At last! A toy that's equally offensive to both blacks AND whites!

    • freakishlywrong

      That's racial transcendence!

  • Nostrildamus

    For a mouth full of fun, I'd go with Bammerz. Mittens looks constipated.

    • zumpie

      Agreed about the Mitty, but it's still more relaxed and lifelike than the real thing!

  • C_R_Trogloraptor

    The Romney doll is available with an extra (not pictured) Seamus doll that's strapped to a station wagon's roof and shoots out chocolate syrup.

  • smitallica

    To make the Romney doll shit candy, first you have to feed it tiny marzipan poor people.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    Romney just said "No one's asked me for my birth certificate."

    He's a birther now. http://wapo.st/Qa5G7o

    • chicken_thief

      He also claimed that big corp's are doing "just fine" today.

      Not the best day for Mittens on the trail today. But luckily for him, it's Friday.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Newt Gingrich considered, then bypassed the opportunity to be thus immortalized, for his namesake treats required two plastic carrying cups to dispense the candy into.

    • C_R_Trogloraptor

      To be honest, the Newt Gingrich Test Doll became so full of hot air that it floated away through a window. Everyone in the test marketing group was happy to see it go, though.

    • bobbert

      Possibly too clever a comment to be as widely appreciated as it deserves.

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        Coming from you, whom I've read here for years, that's a whale of a compliment.

        • bobbert

          Now I'm impressed by your memory as well.

          • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

            As another longtime commenter once replied to me: "life is a comedy to those who feel, a tragedy to those who think, and an episode of Jeopardy to those who can't forget.

  • UnholyMoses

    The Paul Ryan one poops old people who died due to his cuts in Medicare.

    Which isn't funny, as that's exactly what would happen.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    I'll stick with my Lincoln Logs, thanks.

  • UnholyMoses

    It's always about the butt with this place, isn't it?

    Buttsechs, these candy dispenser thingies, pics of Rush Limbaugh …

  • Callyson

    "That's not very much poop."

  • C_R_Trogloraptor

    Romney's toy works very well, but only comes with a tiny little bag of candy. All the rest is packed into huge warehouses in Switzerland and the Cayman Islands.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    Poop.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Ain't that some shit?

  • Not_So_Much

    Why does Bamz only poop but Mitten's 'comes'? Because of his hellacious boy-making baby batter?

  • DahBoner

    This is almost as funny as the "Tricky Dicky" 1972 Commemorative Dildo, har har har…

  • ttommyunger

    Waiting for the Barrel Figures, where you lift the barrel up and a huge erect penis is revealed underneath, except in Mittens case, which is notsomuch…

  • mosjef

    Fittingly, Romney squeezes out a Milk Dud.

  • YasserArraFeck

    Is there a little plastic diaper for the Vitter version, or does Mitt's shit-eating grin suffice?

  • Blunderthing

    "Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American Public." –attributed to so many trash capitalists that I've given up attributing it

  • Aridzona

    No wonder Romney is so down on China. Look at the kind of crap they crank out.

  • larrykat

    So what exactly does Mittens mean by "I COME with candy treats"???

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    The Mitt one poops out candy. But only if you give it a quarter first.

  • lochnessmonster

    The sad thing is ppl will buy them!

  • Baba_NinjaCat12

    Already have it here in Arizona at the state house and they're a collection. Unfortunately, it doesn't poop candy.

  • VespulaMaculata

    Where was this idea four years ago? The Palin one would be worth a fortune now.

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Doesn't Romney's poop come out of his mouth?