WELCOME TO HELL  1:05 pm August 24, 2012

These Obama And Romney Collectibles Poop Candy, For Your Mouth

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Scary MonstersAre these election collectibles from “Political Poopers” worse than Hitler? MAYBE. We thought it would at least be toilet paper when we clicked on it, which is crass enough, but no, it is small Obama and Romney monsters. And they shit candy. From their butts. Which you then eat.

“I POOP CANDY” Obama screams. “I COME WITH CANDY TREATS” shouts Romney. We are done with all of you vulgar monsters. The Mayan apocalypse cannot come fucking soon enough.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 99 comments }

Barb_ August 24, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Romney's gives you Whoppers. Ann's version poops white and smells like cotton candy, the same as real life.

Maman August 24, 2012 at 1:20 pm

cotton candy libel! Ann Romney would never do anything so common as poop.

Callyson August 24, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Whores poop. Ladies relieve themselves. Mrs Romney graces us with her essence.

docterry6973 August 24, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Don't be silly. Ann's version doesn't poop at all. I comes packaged with a servant version that poops for her.

YasserArraFeck August 24, 2012 at 3:10 pm

The Michelle version graces us with broccoli.

x111e7thst August 24, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Mayan aporkalypse ftw!

ChillBill August 24, 2012 at 1:09 pm

According to Mitt, he poops jobs.

nounverb911 August 24, 2012 at 1:10 pm

In China.

ChillBill August 24, 2012 at 1:11 pm

And poops ON American jobs.

miss_grundy August 24, 2012 at 1:23 pm

He's promising 3 million energy jobs…whatever that means…

calliecallie August 24, 2012 at 1:49 pm

What? You don't want to be a coal miner?

PsycWench August 24, 2012 at 1:29 pm

shitty jobs

eggsacklywright August 24, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Everything's better with poop on it.

viennawoods13 August 24, 2012 at 4:53 pm

I put that shit on everything.

GunToting[Redacted] August 24, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I assume the Romney one shits unflavored jellybeans.

nounverb911 August 24, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Does Romney's poop out gold bricks?

chicken_thief August 24, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Ann has told you people all you need to know about the gold hoarded under the elevator in their new home.

elviouslyqueer August 24, 2012 at 1:11 pm

“I COME WITH CANDY TREATS” shouts Romney.

Well, this explains the stretch marks around Paul Ryan's mouth that you can see from Neptune.

chicken_thief August 24, 2012 at 1:16 pm

*Marcus packs bag, heads to Michigan*

MacRaith August 24, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Even in the form of a plastic figurine that poops candy, Mitt looks insufferably smug.

tessiee August 24, 2012 at 1:22 pm

In every picture I've ever seen of Mitt, he always looks both smug and uncomfortable.
I can't figure out how a face so expressionless can manage to convey *one* thing, let alone *two opposing* things.
It's probably what Mormons have for miracles, instead of the good kind, like changing water into wine.

sewollef August 24, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I imagine at the end of the day Mitt's magic underwear is a little, shall we say, crunchy from watching all those gold bars accumulate.

Hence the idiot grin he wears all day long.

Serolf_Divad August 24, 2012 at 1:11 pm

They're actually pretty cool.

The Obama doll poops chocolate and has a windup mechanism that makes him walk.

The Romney doll has a windup mechanism that sets in motion a process by which it undertakes a leveraged buyout of your home, tosses you out on the street, takes out a second, third and fourth mortgage on the home, pays itself a $1,000,000 bonus and then tears down the house and builds a Staples franchise on top.

freakishlywrong August 24, 2012 at 1:14 pm

And then pays you less than minimum wage to paint that shit.

cheetojeebus August 24, 2012 at 1:15 pm

ftw

chicken_thief August 24, 2012 at 1:18 pm

I thought the Obama one had Bill Ayers and Saul Alinsky wind him up?

Fox E. Puppet August 24, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Romney comes through his asshole? That's extra nasty…

nounverb911 August 24, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Where does the Seamus doll poop?

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 24, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Hersey's Chocolate Syrup?

tessiee August 24, 2012 at 1:19 pm

All over the roof of the Hot Wheels car.

freakishlywrong August 24, 2012 at 1:13 pm

With Mittens, the shit comes out of his mouth right? Like in real life?

boobookitteh August 24, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Does the Santorum one dispense Hershey's syrup?

tessiee August 24, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Mixed with egg whi–….
*klunk!*
*iz ded*

C_R_Trogloraptor August 24, 2012 at 1:31 pm

No, it dispenses a frothy mixture of…*RETCH* Thump

Baconzgood August 24, 2012 at 1:16 pm

When is this election over? I'm getting sick of it.

nounverb911 August 24, 2012 at 1:18 pm

The bad news is the 2016 presidential campaign starts November 7, 2012.
The good news is the world ends December 21, 2012.

calliecallie August 24, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Well played, Mayans. Well played.

freakishlywrong August 24, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Hollah, Baconz.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 24, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I'm getting my holiday shopping done so early this year!

hagajim August 24, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I guess someone decided to create a piece where art immitates life. I mean, really, haven't these guys (the parties) been taking a big dump on the American people for at least the past 20 years?

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 24, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Currently available at a Staples near you.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 24, 2012 at 1:17 pm

If there's any hookers in Tampa that will do this they will be very busy next week.

el_donaldo August 24, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Any of them named "Candy Treats," perchance?

C_R_Trogloraptor August 24, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Why, yes! It might be a Stage name, though.

tessiee August 24, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I am SO buying stock in a company that makes glass-topped tables!

C_R_Trogloraptor August 24, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Alright! You'll clean up! Ooooo…not literally though. Urgh.

Gratuitous World August 24, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Herman Cain uses these for red pepper + parmesan

sharethegrief August 24, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Romney's shit is just the right size too.

Antispandex August 24, 2012 at 1:19 pm

This is just wrong! If it was just Barry, sure, but how dare they make fun of the next Ronald Reagan, savior of America? This could only have been invented by the greatest enemy of the U.S.A…..maybe a Mexican, Muslim, Liberal? The trifecta of terror.

chicken_thief August 24, 2012 at 1:19 pm

The Herman Cain one grabs your head and pulls it to his crotch where a tootsie roll appears.

Designer_Rants August 24, 2012 at 1:31 pm

"You want a toy, right?"

Mumbletypeg August 24, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Might have been the timing or my funnybone was wound up just right, but this cracked me up~

tessiee August 24, 2012 at 1:19 pm

In addition to everything else that's wrong with Romney, his toy poops white chocolate.

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 24, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I'm assuming that the Romney figure only provides last years poop, keeps telling you he will give you this years poop eventually, and hides the rest of the poop because people will only use it against him.

Mumbletypeg August 24, 2012 at 1:20 pm

"Crap and Get It". Somewhere in Virginia a rightie-tightie business owner is making notes.

SorosBot August 24, 2012 at 1:20 pm

That looks like a shitty piece of crap.

calliecallie August 24, 2012 at 1:51 pm

manufactured in China, no doubt.

smokefilledroommate August 26, 2012 at 6:53 pm

"I Poop Lead!"

proudgrampa August 24, 2012 at 1:21 pm

The Obama doll looks too much like OJ Simpson.

The Romney doll looks too much like an evil, bloodsucking, capitalist.

SorosBot August 24, 2012 at 1:22 pm

OT, but auto-playing ads, with noise, that run on a continuous loop are really annoying.

OneYieldRegular August 24, 2012 at 1:22 pm

What I would give to hear the dinner conversation in certain Chinese factory towns during U.S. election season…

LIT_Fag August 24, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I'd buy the Obama one if it dispensed
black licorice from his crotch

el_donaldo August 24, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Obama apparently poops freely.

Romney? He tells you he has sweet, sweet candy, but the tightass won't squeeze any out for you. You ask to see some proof that he's got some candy for you? He won't show you. Asshole.

Goonemeritus August 24, 2012 at 1:24 pm

A Joe Biden one would just poop, but in a cool unaffected middleclass way.

Designer_Rants August 24, 2012 at 1:30 pm

In a way that says "I'm from Scranton."

neiltheblaze August 24, 2012 at 1:24 pm

At last! A toy that's equally offensive to both blacks AND whites!

freakishlywrong August 24, 2012 at 1:30 pm

That's racial transcendence!

Nostrildamus August 24, 2012 at 1:24 pm

For a mouth full of fun, I'd go with Bammerz. Mittens looks constipated.

zumpie August 24, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Agreed about the Mitty, but it's still more relaxed and lifelike than the real thing!

C_R_Trogloraptor August 24, 2012 at 1:26 pm

The Romney doll is available with an extra (not pictured) Seamus doll that's strapped to a station wagon's roof and shoots out chocolate syrup.

smitallica August 24, 2012 at 1:27 pm

To make the Romney doll shit candy, first you have to feed it tiny marzipan poor people.

Designer_Rants August 24, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Romney just said "No one's asked me for my birth certificate."

He's a birther now. http://wapo.st/Qa5G7o

chicken_thief August 24, 2012 at 1:36 pm

He also claimed that big corp's are doing "just fine" today.

Not the best day for Mittens on the trail today. But luckily for him, it's Friday.

Mumbletypeg August 24, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Newt Gingrich considered, then bypassed the opportunity to be thus immortalized, for his namesake treats required two plastic carrying cups to dispense the candy into.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 24, 2012 at 1:41 pm

To be honest, the Newt Gingrich Test Doll became so full of hot air that it floated away through a window. Everyone in the test marketing group was happy to see it go, though.

bobbert August 24, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Possibly too clever a comment to be as widely appreciated as it deserves.

Mumbletypeg August 24, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Coming from you, whom I've read here for years, that's a whale of a compliment.

bobbert August 25, 2012 at 1:58 am

Now I'm impressed by your memory as well.

Mumbletypeg August 25, 2012 at 2:42 pm

As another longtime commenter once replied to me: "life is a comedy to those who feel, a tragedy to those who think, and an episode of Jeopardy to those who can't forget.

UnholyMoses August 24, 2012 at 1:34 pm

The Paul Ryan one poops old people who died due to his cuts in Medicare.

Which isn't funny, as that's exactly what would happen.

Sharkey August 24, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I'll stick with my Lincoln Logs, thanks.

UnholyMoses August 24, 2012 at 1:35 pm

It's always about the butt with this place, isn't it?

Buttsechs, these candy dispenser thingies, pics of Rush Limbaugh …

Callyson August 24, 2012 at 1:40 pm

"That's not very much poop."

C_R_Trogloraptor August 24, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Romney's toy works very well, but only comes with a tiny little bag of candy. All the rest is packed into huge warehouses in Switzerland and the Cayman Islands.

Designer_Rants August 24, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Poop.

slowhansolo August 24, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Ain't that some shit?

Not_So_Much August 24, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Why does Bamz only poop but Mitten's 'comes'? Because of his hellacious boy-making baby batter?

DahBoner August 24, 2012 at 2:20 pm

This is almost as funny as the "Tricky Dicky" 1972 Commemorative Dildo, har har har…

ttommyunger August 24, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Waiting for the Barrel Figures, where you lift the barrel up and a huge erect penis is revealed underneath, except in Mittens case, which is notsomuch…

mosjef August 24, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Fittingly, Romney squeezes out a Milk Dud.

YasserArraFeck August 24, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Is there a little plastic diaper for the Vitter version, or does Mitt's shit-eating grin suffice?

Blunderthing August 24, 2012 at 3:48 pm

"Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American Public." –attributed to so many trash capitalists that I've given up attributing it

Aridzona August 24, 2012 at 3:48 pm

No wonder Romney is so down on China. Look at the kind of crap they crank out.

larrykat August 24, 2012 at 4:16 pm

So what exactly does Mittens mean by "I COME with candy treats"???

randcoolcatdaddy August 24, 2012 at 4:46 pm

The Mitt one poops out candy. But only if you give it a quarter first.

lochnessmonster August 24, 2012 at 5:00 pm

The sad thing is ppl will buy them!

Baba_NinjaCat12 August 24, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Already have it here in Arizona at the state house and they're a collection. Unfortunately, it doesn't poop candy.

VespulaMaculata August 24, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Where was this idea four years ago? The Palin one would be worth a fortune now.

smokefilledroommate August 26, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Doesn't Romney's poop come out of his mouth?

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