I'm totally sober you guysThey say that astronauts become alcoholics after returning from space, because they were in space, which was better. This is perfectly analogous to the situation of former U.S. Ambassador Ryan Crocker — the man who SAVED IRAQ along with Gen. Petraeus and then… [somethinged] Afghanistan with Gen. Petraeus — who returned from seeing constant murder everywhere in the Middle East and now just drives his car into other cars while drunk and then speeds away. (Allegedly.) Fortunately no one was hurt, but Crocker was hella arrested and will now die in jail, maybe. (He won’t).

First Fox News reveals the name of a war hero, and now the so-called “police of Washington state” arrest a decorated State Department diplo-talky servant for a lil’ drunken nick of another car. Must all of our war people suffer such indignation?

SPOKANE, Wash. -Ambassador Ryan Crocker, one of the most decorated State Department diplomats in the last half century, was arrested on August 14 by the Washington State Patrol for hit-and-run and DUI in Spokane Valley.

A Spokane native, Crocker, 63, was arrested at the intersection of Sprague Ave. and Pines Road at 2:05 p.m. on August 14 by a WSP trooper. According to the State Patrol, Crocker was in the left turn lane on Pines turning onto Stprague when he tried to turn right from the left turn lane, crossing two lanes of traffic and clipped a semi, damaging the passenger side of the 2009 Ford Mustang he was driving.

Oh whatever, he was probably right around the legal limit, which means nothing.

Crocker was pulled over, received a field sobriety test from a WSP trooper and had a .16 BAC on one test, which is twice the legal limit in Washington State. Another test indicated a .152 BAC.

Okay, he was drunk as shit.


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  • Crank_Tango

    Boys will be boys.

  • hagajim

    Crocker got crocked. and Spokane rhymes with cocaine – not really.

  • badseeds

    Don't worry. He was in the Green Zone.

  • PsycWench

    His alcohol use was a spontanous reaction to boredom.

  • c'mon Fox! use his DOD code name – "Slurveball"

  • OneYieldRegular

    2:05 p.m.? Spokane isn't exactly the kind of place I'd expect the three martini lunch to still be thriving.

    • UnholyMoses

      Dude, it's Spokane … at 2 in the afternoon.

      I'd think that was pretty damn typical.

      • northernbassist

        In Spokane, the three martini breakfast is still thriving.

    • Caelan Aegana

      Oh ye of little faith.

  • His sister, Betty, posted bail

    • UnholyMoses

      That made me LULZ more than it probably should have.

    • Steverino247

      But she spanked him with this HUGE fucking red spoon when they got home, man!

      • glasspusher


    • Typodong3

      Betty Rubble?

  • Field sobriety test…is that the one where you have to toss a javelin straight?

    • IndianaKevin

      Yes, not to be confused with the track sobriety test, in which you're asked to run a straight line with hurdles. Results are pretty much immediate.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    "But ocifer, I've got diplomatic immunity!"

  • memzilla

    Drunk before 3:00pm. He's 63 years old. This can't be new behavior.

    This explains how we got into our situation in Iraq, methinks.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    But what we really need to know is how many miles are on that 2009 Mustang.

  • sharethegrief

    This is exactly why marijuana is so dangerous.

  • Drunk is one thing, but a 2009 Mustang? Lock him up and throw away the key!

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    This is not the easiest way to get a date with Lindsay Lohan.

    • glasspusher

      …are you going to tell us what is? Getting her mom stinko by 2PM? No, that happens on its own…

    • Actually, I think it might be.

    • Negropolis

      Actually, I think this may be the very easiest way to meet her.

  • SorosBot

    Well of course he was drunk; without copious consumption of alcohol how else could one deal with living in depressing, rainy Washington State?

    • SoBeach

      Spokane is in the dry, blisteringly hot/bitterly cold side of the state. Plus, rednecks.

      • Dudes. Hops and wine. So what if it looks like a moonscape.

        • SoBeach

          Those things can be trucked over the pass easily enough.

    • hagajim

      Yeah, but that side of the state is pretty dry – not like Seattle.

      • SorosBot

        Wait, as an East Coaster I know Washington State consists of Seattle and nothing else – oh except for that strange little town Twin Peaks.

        • emmelemm

          Rumors are swirling that you may become a Left Coaster sooner than later, so you may as well start your education now.

      • glasspusher

        …and what better way to counteract that dryness than a little pick me up?

    • Caelan Aegana

      We get very little rain/show in the part of the state where I am (proud home to one of the most corrupt congressmen still in office).

      What causes the depression is all the rednecks.

      • hagajim

        That wouldn't be good ol boy Doc Hastings would it?

    • Negropolis

      Oh no you di'int just bash Washington.

      BTW, Spokane is basically in Idaho, metaphysically.

  • Baconzgood

    Gives new meaning to "putting the hammer down".

  • UnholyMoses

    I'd say he did to that car what he did to Iraq, but his car didn't burst into flames, the cop didn't get blown up by a roadside bomb, and the truck he hit didn't go on to kill tens of thousands of innocent people.

    So, yeah. Fuck him.

  • mavenmaven

    Lebanon, Iraq, Afghanistan. I'm surprised he still has a liver.

  • RadioBowels

    The Fonz really didn't age well.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I thought the exact same thing. He looks like Henry Winkler.

    • SorosBot

      Oh, and for your information? There was an episode of Happy Days where a dude LITERALLY jumped over a shark. And it was the BEST ONE.

  • Crocker was pulled over, received a field sobriety test from a WSP trooper and had a .16 BAC on one test, which is twice the legal limit in Washington State. Another test indicated a .152 BAC.

    Idiots. .160 minus .152 gives a BAC of .008 which way below anyone's legal limit. Why is the Washington State Police persecuting a hero diplomat?

  • Callyson

    2:05 p.m…had a .16 BAC on one test

    This gives "three martini lunch" a whole new meaning…

    • SoBeach

      Closer to an 8 martini lunch…

  • Estproph

    So did Fox stick a (D) behind his name?

  • Baconzgood

    Meh, no nudity. He wasn't that drunk.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Bacon, you are placing the bar waaay to high. No, seriously, hand me my beer, I can't reach it up there.

  • kittensdontlie

    'If making a right hand turn from the left turn lane is wrong, I don't want to be right…

    • NellCote71

      But was it a legitimate right-hand turn? Right-hand turns are right-hand turns. Period.

    • IndianaKevin

      I thought that was only a woman's prerogative.

  • Schmannnity

    Obama's former ambassador. Obama's fault. Nuff said.,

    • NellCote71

      Due to Obama's failed economic policies.

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    DUI? Eh, big deal. It’s not like he was trying to perform a legal abortion.

    • hagajim

      Or startling cops in his backyard.

    • Or overseeing an illegal invasion and occupation of a sovereign nation which killed and wounded hundreds of thousands Iraqis and Americans.

      Oh, wait, he was and did.

  • docterry6973

    There but for the grace of God go I. Too many times, back in the day.

    • hagajim

      If back in the day wasn't when you were 63, you're probably OK.

      • 1stNewtontheMoon

        yes, like Bush Jr.'s youthful indiscretions that stretched into his 40s.

  • larrykat

    We have "decorations" for state department diplomats? What are they for, like "greatest giver of toasts" or "least obnoxious to foreigners"?

    • Pasties, not decorations, and they're for fellating tyrants and dictators.

    • TribecaMike

      "Decoration" is a euphemism for blow job. Goes back to the Dulles brothers, who were the first to decorate each other at Langley.

  • TribecaMike

    Expect Dick Cheney to award him another medal tonight at the weekly satanic ritual/orgy.

    • 1stNewtontheMoon

      The one where Barbara Bush shits in Limbaugh's mouth?

      [Bill Hicks seared that image in my brain. RIP, Bill.]

  • Fox E. Puppet

    Clearly, he was mistaken for government agent George Kaplan by ruthless Phillip Vandamm & forced to drink a whole bottle of bourbon against his will then put behind the wheel of a stolen car…

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Hmmmmm. What direction was the car going?

      • Fox E. Puppet

        If he was taking a right turn from the left-turn-only lane, I'm guessing he didn't know or care?

        • Jus_Wonderin

          I was fishin' for North by Northwest.

          • Fox E. Puppet

            The first time I saw that movie was in an old art-deco theatre with a 50' screen. It was an amazing experience. It's a great movie & can translate to a small screen, but the cropduster & Mt Rushmore scenes just do not compare in terms of impact.

    • Steverino247

      I was at the house where they filmed that scene just last month. Beautiful place!

      • Fox E. Puppet

        That's a handsome estate.

        • Steverino247

          As good a reason to tax the rich as I've ever seen, too. Those folks paid taxes at about 90% and they still did VERY well.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Maybe grading on a curve, but Crocker was not so bad in the diplomacy stuff.

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    No worries, Crocker, just move to Mississippi and have the guvna pardon you. They have a "10 strikes and you're out" policy down there. ‘Specially if you’re white.

    • IndianaKevin

      'Specially or only?

  • elviouslyqueer

    According to the Texas A & M website, Crocker is listed as being on leave from his position as dean, executive professor and the Edward and Howard Kruse Endowed Chair at the Bush School of Government and Public Service.

    Bless his heart, but being an endowed chair at the Bush School of Government and Public Service should be more than adequate excuse for Crocker to drink heavily.

    • UnholyMoses

      Is an "endowed" chair one with big dick or something?

      I mean, it'd make sense, given that particular school at A&M is named after a massive one …

      • AutomaticPilot

        So the chair has a big dick?

    • 1stNewtontheMoon

      Spokane : DUI :: College Station : Injecting black tar heroin into your shriveled little neocon cock.

    • hagajim

      So he's a drunk with a large penis?

    • glasspusher

      "The lecture's over when the bottle is finished!"

      • Negropolis

        That's what she said.

  • orygoon

    " when he tried to turn right from the left turn lane, crossing two lanes of traffic "

    Flashback to my first car accident, when an old old man in a huge boat of a car did that to me. Scared me shitless, though nobody was hurt–just my best friend's car ( cute little Triumph Spitfire) which I had borrowed in order to do a political science assignment.

    • An_Outhouse

      "political science assignment" = score some dope downtown?

      • orygoon

        Sort of. It was the summer term. I'd been sick and missed stuff that there wasn't much time to make up, so the prof told me to go observe some court sessions and write up what happened–like, what happens to dope dealers who get caught? But the being-run-over drama screwed that up. I think I ended up making shit up out of thin air. After getting Jay's car mangled, nobody else was going to lend me a ride, were they?

  • anniegetyerfun

    A hit and run on Sprague is pretty much a daily occurrence in good ol' Spokane.

    • hagajim

      Yep. My wife got smashed into on Sprague once.

  • marconidarwin

    This is why recess appointments are so damn unconstitutional.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Spokane is more depressing than Baghdad? Yeah, I can see that.

  • An_Outhouse

    To be fair, Aug 14 was a Tuesday, which is close to Wednesday, which is hump day so DRINK!!! and it was 2 p.m. so its likely he waited at least until noon to start pounding the martinis.

    • IndianaKevin

      It HAD to have been 5 o'clock SOMEwhere!

  • 1stNewtontheMoon

    Wait…this isn't a reference to his involvement in the middle east and a summons from The Hague?

  • sbj1964

    He's a Republican he was only drinking to get the taste of Restroom cock out of his mouth.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I'm sorry to read this. Ryan Crocker is a brave man who has served his country well. I'm somewhat disapppointed the Wonketters couldn't cut him much slack here.

    Of course it's wrong to be driving around lit up like a Christmas tree. Bad behavior. We can all agree on that.

    We can be happy no body got hurt. Or killed.

    But the gloating seems a bit unseemly right through here.

    • Gloating?

      The object of most of the snark here has been about Spokane, if you read closely.

    • Steverino247

      Agreed, for reasons I posted about the same time. The man needs treatment. He's seen the problems of the Middle East and Southwest Asia up close for 40 years. It's not a pretty sight and has obviously taken a toll on him.

    • LionHeartSoyDog

      "We can be happy no body got hurt. Or killed."

      wtf? Who can be happy about more than one million dead Iraqis?
      And most of them women and children.

      Murky Murkan exceptionalism is no way to go through life, son.

      • ummm i think you're thinking that one fun invadin' president and possibly that one vampire vp?

        dude was a career diplomat. i got no beef with that. we need civil service.

    • yeah thanks for that. this story made me sad.

      • Tundra Grifter


        I'm old enough to have been on the business end of a Road Pop. Or two. And I've certainly driven home when I shouldn't have.

        We need the good guys during the bad administrations. Sure it would be neat to work for Obama. But there might have been more need – if not actual opportunities to do the right thing – during the Administrations of George Bush.

        Mr. Crocker didn't set policy – at least on the national scale. I don't see he started any wars – although he did his level best to finish a few.

  • His drinking problem is probably an outgrowth of the PTSD he suffered after the failed mission to Macho Grande

    • AutomaticPilot

      I'm afraid I'll never get over Macho Grande. Those wounds run…pretty deep.

  • Steverino247

    Here's the reason he's drinking:

    According to the book, Soldier: The Life of Colin Powell by Washington Post reporter Karen DeYoung, as the Bush administration was preparing for war with Iraq in late 2002, then Secretary of State, Colin Powell ordered Crocker and then Special Assistant to the Secretary of State, William Burns to prepare a secret memo examining the risks associated with a U.S. invasion of Iraq.[13] The six-page memo, titled "The Perfect Storm", stated that toppling Saddam Hussein could unleash long-repressed sectarian and ethnic tensions, that the Sunni minority would not easily relinquish power, and that powerful neighbors such as Iran, Syria and Saudi Arabia would try to move in to influence events. It also cautioned that the United States would have to start from scratch building a political and economic system because Iraq's infrastructure was in tatters

    The man told them what would happen, it happened, then he had to try to fix what he warned them would happen. That would do it for me, I'm afraid.

    Oh, and he survived the 1983 bombing in Lebanon, too. This guy's seen way too much blood and quite possibly has some on his hands.

    • Amen

    • Rotundo_

      Who would have thought that bringing "Freedom" to Iraq and Afghanistan would have any consequences other than sweeping up the rose petals and the candy wrappers from the welcoming celebration? It's not like there was a historical precedent of failure to conquer Afghanistan or Iraq that could have provided a inkling of what they were getting into. Being one of the few people with the intellect to realize what a quagmire it would be must have been lonely in the company he kept.

      • Steverino247

        And then to get sent there to fix the place when he had warned them? The guy deserved whatever medals he was given, but he obviously paid too high a personal price. He needs to go someplace peaceful and stay there.

  • Typodong3

    Im telling you folks, this is a slow-motion, nation-wide, complete crackup of the Republican establishment.

    • well except for the fact that they're well poised to take back several branches of government in three months.

  • OneDollarJuana

    If I lived in Spokane, I'd drink, too.

  • Mittens Howell, III


    (It's OK If You're An Astronaut))

    • Nostrildamus

      No mention of a diaper, so not an astronaut (or a senator).

      • glasspusher

        Bonus points for nailing them both.

  • fartknocker

    We should invite him to the Wonkette drinky thing in Tampa.

    • glasspusher

      Do you think we'd stand a chance against those leather livered lizards? This is the major leagues. I don't have enough Russian genes in me to handle that amount of booze.

      • Finn here.

        Step aside.

        • glasspusher

          Ok, to you, then, Russians are lightweights.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    In his defense, I don't think he was driving the car. It's just that the world was moving around his car.

  • IonaTrailer

    Sort of OT – but:

    "After likening the backlash to Todd Akin’s comments on “legitimate rape” to the Pharisees’ persecution of Jesus, American Family Association spokesman Bryan Fischer is now comparing Akin to a victim of rape."
    American Family Association

    • miss_grundy

      Hopefully, rape victims in Missouri and nationwide will now contribute to the McCaskill campaign.

  • barto

    It's five o'clock somewhere (Baghdad, maybe), eh Ryan?

  • Biff

    Dude's lucky he wasn't in San Diego County and startled a certain Sheriff's Department Lieutenant.

  • chairmandave

    Curious if he was in Spokane visiting Michael Baumgartner, his former aide and now Spokane's state rep/GOP candidate for Senate. Baumgartner just got some flack for emailing a reporter to "Go Fuck Yourself" in response to questions about Akin/abortion. Way to represent, Spokanistan!

  • owhatever

    If ever anybody needed a drink, it was this guy.

  • BZ1

    Wait a second, he works at the Bush School of Government and Public Service? There is no sense of irony there??

  • ttommyunger

    Shit-faced at Two in the afternoon? Sixty-Three years old? This is just fucking sad.

  • fawkedifiknow

    "Can't dance, can't roller skate, and it's too wet to plow. Might as well go on a Nooner or Sooner."

  • Negropolis

    On a serious note, he's lucky he wasn't killed. A Mustang vs. a semi?!

    Seemed like a nice enough guy on television, someone that's served the country for quite awhile under different presidents, maybe one of the very few Dubya appointees you could call a true public servant. That, and he doesn't come off like a smug dick, which is something that seemed to be par for the course for Dubya's bureaucrats.

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