NICCCCCCCEEE  4:56 pm August 23, 2012

Former Iraq Ambassador Ryan Crocker Arrested For DUI, Hit-And-Run

by Jim Newell

I'm totally sober you guysThey say that astronauts become alcoholics after returning from space, because they were in space, which was better. This is perfectly analogous to the situation of former U.S. Ambassador Ryan Crocker — the man who SAVED IRAQ along with Gen. Petraeus and then… [somethinged] Afghanistan with Gen. Petraeus — who returned from seeing constant murder everywhere in the Middle East and now just drives his car into other cars while drunk and then speeds away. (Allegedly.) Fortunately no one was hurt, but Crocker was hella arrested and will now die in jail, maybe. (He won’t).

First Fox News reveals the name of a war hero, and now the so-called “police of Washington state” arrest a decorated State Department diplo-talky servant for a lil’ drunken nick of another car. Must all of our war people suffer such indignation?

SPOKANE, Wash. -Ambassador Ryan Crocker, one of the most decorated State Department diplomats in the last half century, was arrested on August 14 by the Washington State Patrol for hit-and-run and DUI in Spokane Valley.

A Spokane native, Crocker, 63, was arrested at the intersection of Sprague Ave. and Pines Road at 2:05 p.m. on August 14 by a WSP trooper. According to the State Patrol, Crocker was in the left turn lane on Pines turning onto Stprague when he tried to turn right from the left turn lane, crossing two lanes of traffic and clipped a semi, damaging the passenger side of the 2009 Ford Mustang he was driving.

Oh whatever, he was probably right around the legal limit, which means nothing.

Crocker was pulled over, received a field sobriety test from a WSP trooper and had a .16 BAC on one test, which is twice the legal limit in Washington State. Another test indicated a .152 BAC.

Okay, he was drunk as shit.

[KXLY]

 

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{ 129 comments }

Crank_Tango August 23, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Boys will be boys.

hagajim August 23, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Crocker got crocked. and Spokane rhymes with cocaine – not really.

badseeds August 23, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Don't worry. He was in the Green Zone.

PsycWench August 23, 2012 at 5:00 pm

His alcohol use was a spontanous reaction to boredom.

Gratuitous World August 23, 2012 at 5:01 pm

c'mon Fox! use his DOD code name – "Slurveball"

OneYieldRegular August 23, 2012 at 5:01 pm

2:05 p.m.? Spokane isn't exactly the kind of place I'd expect the three martini lunch to still be thriving.

UnholyMoses August 23, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Dude, it's Spokane … at 2 in the afternoon.

I'd think that was pretty damn typical.

northernbassist August 23, 2012 at 5:30 pm

In Spokane, the three martini breakfast is still thriving.

Caelan Aegana August 23, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Oh ye of little faith.

actor212 August 23, 2012 at 5:02 pm

His sister, Betty, posted bail

UnholyMoses August 23, 2012 at 5:07 pm

That made me LULZ more than it probably should have.

Steverino247 August 23, 2012 at 5:17 pm

But she spanked him with this HUGE fucking red spoon when they got home, man!

glasspusher August 23, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Hawt

Typodong3 August 23, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Betty Rubble?

actor212 August 23, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Field sobriety test…is that the one where you have to toss a javelin straight?

IndianaKevin August 24, 2012 at 8:18 am

Yes, not to be confused with the track sobriety test, in which you're asked to run a straight line with hurdles. Results are pretty much immediate.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 23, 2012 at 5:03 pm

"But ocifer, I've got diplomatic immunity!"

gogogodzilla August 23, 2012 at 5:38 pm
memzilla August 23, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Drunk before 3:00pm. He's 63 years old. This can't be new behavior.

This explains how we got into our situation in Iraq, methinks.

Jus_Wonderin August 23, 2012 at 5:04 pm

But what we really need to know is how many miles are on that 2009 Mustang.

sharethegrief August 23, 2012 at 5:04 pm

This is exactly why marijuana is so dangerous.

IonaTrailer August 23, 2012 at 5:06 pm

There was a lovely bright spot in California today …(Wooooo-woooo) http://www.opposingviews.com/i/society/drug-law/p

SayItWithWookies August 23, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Drunk is one thing, but a 2009 Mustang? Lock him up and throw away the key!

Tequila Mockingbird August 23, 2012 at 5:05 pm

This is not the easiest way to get a date with Lindsay Lohan.

glasspusher August 23, 2012 at 8:50 pm

…are you going to tell us what is? Getting her mom stinko by 2PM? No, that happens on its own…

gurukalehuru August 24, 2012 at 3:09 am

Actually, I think it might be.

Negropolis August 24, 2012 at 4:34 am

Actually, I think this may be the very easiest way to meet her.

SorosBot August 23, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Well of course he was drunk; without copious consumption of alcohol how else could one deal with living in depressing, rainy Washington State?

SoBeach August 23, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Spokane is in the dry, blisteringly hot/bitterly cold side of the state. Plus, rednecks.

Maman August 23, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Dudes. Hops and wine. So what if it looks like a moonscape.

SoBeach August 24, 2012 at 11:38 am

Those things can be trucked over the pass easily enough.

hagajim August 23, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Yeah, but that side of the state is pretty dry – not like Seattle.

SorosBot August 23, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Wait, as an East Coaster I know Washington State consists of Seattle and nothing else – oh except for that strange little town Twin Peaks.

emmelemm August 23, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Rumors are swirling that you may become a Left Coaster sooner than later, so you may as well start your education now.

glasspusher August 23, 2012 at 8:51 pm

…and what better way to counteract that dryness than a little pick me up?

Caelan Aegana August 23, 2012 at 5:19 pm

We get very little rain/show in the part of the state where I am (proud home to one of the most corrupt congressmen still in office).

What causes the depression is all the rednecks.

hagajim August 23, 2012 at 5:52 pm

That wouldn't be good ol boy Doc Hastings would it?

Negropolis August 24, 2012 at 4:35 am

Oh no you di'int just bash Washington.

BTW, Spokane is basically in Idaho, metaphysically.

Baconzgood August 23, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Gives new meaning to "putting the hammer down".

UnholyMoses August 23, 2012 at 5:05 pm

I'd say he did to that car what he did to Iraq, but his car didn't burst into flames, the cop didn't get blown up by a roadside bomb, and the truck he hit didn't go on to kill tens of thousands of innocent people.

So, yeah. Fuck him.

mavenmaven August 23, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Lebanon, Iraq, Afghanistan. I'm surprised he still has a liver.

RadioBowels August 23, 2012 at 5:06 pm

The Fonz really didn't age well.

Jus_Wonderin August 23, 2012 at 5:07 pm

I thought the exact same thing. He looks like Henry Winkler.

SorosBot August 23, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Oh, and for your information? There was an episode of Happy Days where a dude LITERALLY jumped over a shark. And it was the BEST ONE.

Chow Yun Flat August 23, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Crocker was pulled over, received a field sobriety test from a WSP trooper and had a .16 BAC on one test, which is twice the legal limit in Washington State. Another test indicated a .152 BAC.

Idiots. .160 minus .152 gives a BAC of .008 which way below anyone's legal limit. Why is the Washington State Police persecuting a hero diplomat?

Callyson August 23, 2012 at 5:06 pm

2:05 p.m…had a .16 BAC on one test

This gives "three martini lunch" a whole new meaning…

SoBeach August 23, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Closer to an 8 martini lunch…

Estproph August 23, 2012 at 5:07 pm

So did Fox stick a (D) behind his name?

Baconzgood August 23, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Meh, no nudity. He wasn't that drunk.

Jus_Wonderin August 23, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Bacon, you are placing the bar waaay to high. No, seriously, hand me my beer, I can't reach it up there.

kittensdontlie August 23, 2012 at 5:07 pm

'If making a right hand turn from the left turn lane is wrong, I don't want to be right…

NellCote71 August 23, 2012 at 5:28 pm

But was it a legitimate right-hand turn? Right-hand turns are right-hand turns. Period.

IndianaKevin August 24, 2012 at 8:21 am

I thought that was only a woman's prerogative.

Schmannnity August 23, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Obama's former ambassador. Obama's fault. Nuff said.,

NellCote71 August 23, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Due to Obama's failed economic policies.

Tequila Mockingbird August 23, 2012 at 5:09 pm

DUI? Eh, big deal. It’s not like he was trying to perform a legal abortion.

hagajim August 23, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Or startling cops in his backyard.

outragedcitizen August 27, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Or overseeing an illegal invasion and occupation of a sovereign nation which killed and wounded hundreds of thousands Iraqis and Americans.

Oh, wait, he was and did.

docterry6973 August 23, 2012 at 5:10 pm

There but for the grace of God go I. Too many times, back in the day.

hagajim August 23, 2012 at 5:14 pm

If back in the day wasn't when you were 63, you're probably OK.

1stNewtontheMoon August 23, 2012 at 5:27 pm

yes, like Bush Jr.'s youthful indiscretions that stretched into his 40s.

larrykat August 23, 2012 at 5:10 pm

We have "decorations" for state department diplomats? What are they for, like "greatest giver of toasts" or "least obnoxious to foreigners"?

actor212 August 23, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Pasties, not decorations, and they're for fellating tyrants and dictators.

TribecaMike August 23, 2012 at 5:14 pm

"Decoration" is a euphemism for blow job. Goes back to the Dulles brothers, who were the first to decorate each other at Langley.

TribecaMike August 23, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Expect Dick Cheney to award him another medal tonight at the weekly satanic ritual/orgy.

1stNewtontheMoon August 23, 2012 at 5:41 pm

The one where Barbara Bush shits in Limbaugh's mouth?

[Bill Hicks seared that image in my brain. RIP, Bill.]

Fox E. Puppet August 23, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Clearly, he was mistaken for government agent George Kaplan by ruthless Phillip Vandamm & forced to drink a whole bottle of bourbon against his will then put behind the wheel of a stolen car…

Jus_Wonderin August 23, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Hmmmmm. What direction was the car going?

Fox E. Puppet August 23, 2012 at 5:36 pm

If he was taking a right turn from the left-turn-only lane, I'm guessing he didn't know or care?

Jus_Wonderin August 23, 2012 at 5:39 pm

I was fishin' for North by Northwest.

Fox E. Puppet August 23, 2012 at 5:50 pm

The first time I saw that movie was in an old art-deco theatre with a 50' screen. It was an amazing experience. It's a great movie & can translate to a small screen, but the cropduster & Mt Rushmore scenes just do not compare in terms of impact.

Steverino247 August 23, 2012 at 5:21 pm

I was at the house where they filmed that scene just last month. Beautiful place! http://www.oldwestburygardens.org/

Fox E. Puppet August 23, 2012 at 5:34 pm

That's a handsome estate.

Steverino247 August 23, 2012 at 6:09 pm

As good a reason to tax the rich as I've ever seen, too. Those folks paid taxes at about 90% and they still did VERY well.

Blueb4sinrise August 23, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Maybe grading on a curve, but Crocker was not so bad in the diplomacy stuff.

Tequila Mockingbird August 23, 2012 at 5:15 pm

No worries, Crocker, just move to Mississippi and have the guvna pardon you. They have a "10 strikes and you're out" policy down there. ‘Specially if you’re white.

IndianaKevin August 24, 2012 at 8:23 am

'Specially or only?

elviouslyqueer August 23, 2012 at 5:15 pm

According to the Texas A & M website, Crocker is listed as being on leave from his position as dean, executive professor and the Edward and Howard Kruse Endowed Chair at the Bush School of Government and Public Service.

Bless his heart, but being an endowed chair at the Bush School of Government and Public Service should be more than adequate excuse for Crocker to drink heavily.

UnholyMoses August 23, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Is an "endowed" chair one with big dick or something?

I mean, it'd make sense, given that particular school at A&M is named after a massive one …

AutomaticPilot August 23, 2012 at 6:13 pm

So the chair has a big dick?

1stNewtontheMoon August 23, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Spokane : DUI :: College Station : Injecting black tar heroin into your shriveled little neocon cock.

hagajim August 23, 2012 at 5:53 pm

So he's a drunk with a large penis?

glasspusher August 23, 2012 at 8:55 pm

"The lecture's over when the bottle is finished!"

Negropolis August 24, 2012 at 4:37 am

That's what she said.

orygoon August 23, 2012 at 5:17 pm

" when he tried to turn right from the left turn lane, crossing two lanes of traffic "

Flashback to my first car accident, when an old old man in a huge boat of a car did that to me. Scared me shitless, though nobody was hurt–just my best friend's car ( cute little Triumph Spitfire) which I had borrowed in order to do a political science assignment.

An_Outhouse August 23, 2012 at 5:22 pm

"political science assignment" = score some dope downtown?

orygoon August 23, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Sort of. It was the summer term. I'd been sick and missed stuff that there wasn't much time to make up, so the prof told me to go observe some court sessions and write up what happened–like, what happens to dope dealers who get caught? But the being-run-over drama screwed that up. I think I ended up making shit up out of thin air. After getting Jay's car mangled, nobody else was going to lend me a ride, were they?

anniegetyerfun August 23, 2012 at 5:18 pm

A hit and run on Sprague is pretty much a daily occurrence in good ol' Spokane.

hagajim August 23, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Yep. My wife got smashed into on Sprague once.

marconidarwin August 23, 2012 at 5:18 pm

This is why recess appointments are so damn unconstitutional.

littlebigdaddy August 23, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Spokane is more depressing than Baghdad? Yeah, I can see that.

An_Outhouse August 23, 2012 at 5:21 pm

To be fair, Aug 14 was a Tuesday, which is close to Wednesday, which is hump day so DRINK!!! and it was 2 p.m. so its likely he waited at least until noon to start pounding the martinis.

IndianaKevin August 24, 2012 at 8:24 am

It HAD to have been 5 o'clock SOMEwhere!

1stNewtontheMoon August 23, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Wait…this isn't a reference to his involvement in the middle east and a summons from The Hague?

sbj1964 August 23, 2012 at 5:23 pm

He's a Republican he was only drinking to get the taste of Restroom cock out of his mouth.

Tundra Grifter August 23, 2012 at 5:23 pm

I'm sorry to read this. Ryan Crocker is a brave man who has served his country well. I'm somewhat disapppointed the Wonketters couldn't cut him much slack here.

Of course it's wrong to be driving around lit up like a Christmas tree. Bad behavior. We can all agree on that.

We can be happy no body got hurt. Or killed.

But the gloating seems a bit unseemly right through here.

actor212 August 23, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Gloating?

The object of most of the snark here has been about Spokane, if you read closely.

Steverino247 August 23, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Agreed, for reasons I posted about the same time. The man needs treatment. He's seen the problems of the Middle East and Southwest Asia up close for 40 years. It's not a pretty sight and has obviously taken a toll on him.

LionHeartSoyDog August 23, 2012 at 6:08 pm

"We can be happy no body got hurt. Or killed."

wtf? Who can be happy about more than one million dead Iraqis?
And most of them women and children.

Murky Murkan exceptionalism is no way to go through life, son.

fuflans August 23, 2012 at 10:03 pm

ummm i think you're thinking that one fun invadin' president and possibly that one vampire vp?

dude was a career diplomat. i got no beef with that. we need civil service.

fuflans August 23, 2012 at 10:04 pm

yeah thanks for that. this story made me sad.

Tundra Grifter August 24, 2012 at 7:35 pm

ff:

I'm old enough to have been on the business end of a Road Pop. Or two. And I've certainly driven home when I shouldn't have.

We need the good guys during the bad administrations. Sure it would be neat to work for Obama. But there might have been more need – if not actual opportunities to do the right thing – during the Administrations of George Bush.

Mr. Crocker didn't set policy – at least on the national scale. I don't see he started any wars – although he did his level best to finish a few.

actor212 August 23, 2012 at 5:23 pm

His drinking problem is probably an outgrowth of the PTSD he suffered after the failed mission to Macho Grande

AutomaticPilot August 23, 2012 at 6:17 pm

I'm afraid I'll never get over Macho Grande. Those wounds run…pretty deep.

Steverino247 August 23, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Here's the reason he's drinking:

According to the book, Soldier: The Life of Colin Powell by Washington Post reporter Karen DeYoung, as the Bush administration was preparing for war with Iraq in late 2002, then Secretary of State, Colin Powell ordered Crocker and then Special Assistant to the Secretary of State, William Burns to prepare a secret memo examining the risks associated with a U.S. invasion of Iraq.[13] The six-page memo, titled "The Perfect Storm", stated that toppling Saddam Hussein could unleash long-repressed sectarian and ethnic tensions, that the Sunni minority would not easily relinquish power, and that powerful neighbors such as Iran, Syria and Saudi Arabia would try to move in to influence events. It also cautioned that the United States would have to start from scratch building a political and economic system because Iraq's infrastructure was in tatters

The man told them what would happen, it happened, then he had to try to fix what he warned them would happen. That would do it for me, I'm afraid.

Oh, and he survived the 1983 bombing in Lebanon, too. This guy's seen way too much blood and quite possibly has some on his hands.

Maman August 23, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Amen

Rotundo_ August 23, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Who would have thought that bringing "Freedom" to Iraq and Afghanistan would have any consequences other than sweeping up the rose petals and the candy wrappers from the welcoming celebration? It's not like there was a historical precedent of failure to conquer Afghanistan or Iraq that could have provided a inkling of what they were getting into. Being one of the few people with the intellect to realize what a quagmire it would be must have been lonely in the company he kept.

Steverino247 August 23, 2012 at 6:11 pm

And then to get sent there to fix the place when he had warned them? The guy deserved whatever medals he was given, but he obviously paid too high a personal price. He needs to go someplace peaceful and stay there.

Typodong3 August 23, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Im telling you folks, this is a slow-motion, nation-wide, complete crackup of the Republican establishment.

fuflans August 23, 2012 at 10:05 pm

well except for the fact that they're well poised to take back several branches of government in three months.

OneDollarJuana August 23, 2012 at 5:32 pm

If I lived in Spokane, I'd drink, too.

Mittens Howell, III August 23, 2012 at 5:32 pm

IOKIYAA

(It's OK If You're An Astronaut))

Nostrildamus August 23, 2012 at 5:48 pm

No mention of a diaper, so not an astronaut (or a senator).

glasspusher August 23, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Bonus points for nailing them both.

fartknocker August 23, 2012 at 5:37 pm

We should invite him to the Wonkette drinky thing in Tampa.

glasspusher August 23, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Do you think we'd stand a chance against those leather livered lizards? This is the major leagues. I don't have enough Russian genes in me to handle that amount of booze.

actor212 August 24, 2012 at 9:16 am

Finn here.

Step aside.

glasspusher August 24, 2012 at 10:58 am

Ok, to you, then, Russians are lightweights.

Jus_Wonderin August 23, 2012 at 5:44 pm

In his defense, I don't think he was driving the car. It's just that the world was moving around his car.

IonaTrailer August 23, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Sort of OT – but:

"After likening the backlash to Todd Akin’s comments on “legitimate rape” to the Pharisees’ persecution of Jesus, American Family Association spokesman Bryan Fischer is now comparing Akin to a victim of rape."
American Family Association

miss_grundy August 23, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Hopefully, rape victims in Missouri and nationwide will now contribute to the McCaskill campaign.

barto August 23, 2012 at 6:03 pm

It's five o'clock somewhere (Baghdad, maybe), eh Ryan?

Biff August 23, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Dude's lucky he wasn't in San Diego County and startled a certain Sheriff's Department Lieutenant.

chairmandave August 23, 2012 at 6:06 pm

Curious if he was in Spokane visiting Michael Baumgartner, his former aide and now Spokane's state rep/GOP candidate for Senate. Baumgartner just got some flack for emailing a reporter to "Go Fuck Yourself" in response to questions about Akin/abortion. Way to represent, Spokanistan!

owhatever August 23, 2012 at 6:07 pm

If ever anybody needed a drink, it was this guy.

BZ1 August 23, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Wait a second, he works at the Bush School of Government and Public Service? There is no sense of irony there??

ttommyunger August 23, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Shit-faced at Two in the afternoon? Sixty-Three years old? This is just fucking sad.

fawkedifiknow August 24, 2012 at 1:07 am

"Can't dance, can't roller skate, and it's too wet to plow. Might as well go on a Nooner or Sooner."

Negropolis August 24, 2012 at 4:32 am

On a serious note, he's lucky he wasn't killed. A Mustang vs. a semi?!

Seemed like a nice enough guy on television, someone that's served the country for quite awhile under different presidents, maybe one of the very few Dubya appointees you could call a true public servant. That, and he doesn't come off like a smug dick, which is something that seemed to be par for the course for Dubya's bureaucrats.

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