Mom-Hating Major Networks To Show Repeats of Dumb Shows Rather Than Ann Romney’s Speech

What the hell?The Mitt Romney for President 2012 campaign had a smashing idea for night one of next week’s convention: Get Ann Romney to speak! She’s a nice gal who “humanizes Mitt Romney,” don’t you know. Have you heard? Once the world meets Ann Romney, nothing but Endless Victory will follow. And yet problems have arisen: (1) Ann Romney’s opening act will be a hurricane that levels the city of Tampa and (2) CBS, ABC and NBC won’t even be showing the speech. Instead they’re airing repeats of what, one thing about a detective, another one about fairy tales. A Hawaii thing. (They are all about detectives.)

From the NYT:

CBS plans instead to show a rerun of “Hawaii Five-O,” its hit police series. Viewers of NBC will see a new episode of “Grimm,” about a homicide detective with the supernatural ability to sense evil. And ABC plans to show “Castle,” a series about a best-selling mystery novelist who helps solve crimes.

The networks, which reap considerable advertising dollars even from summer reruns, have told the Romney campaign that they will broadcast an hour of convention coverage on the final three nights — but no more.

Advisers to Mitt Romney, facing a blackout of the opening-night program they fastidiously scripted to soften perceptions of the candidate, are angry.

All we know is that if any of these dumb shows feature a horse, then they’re making fun of Ann Romney for having MS. For shame.


About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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    1. finallyhappy

      not for me- I adore Grimm and have no plans to watch the GOP convention. I'll follow liveblogging here- maybe but I think I might have to wash my hair during the convention

  1. freakishlywrong

    Advisers to Mitt Romney, facing a blackout of the opening-night program they fastidiously scripted to soften perceptions of the candidate, are angry.

    When are they not angry?
    Roooorrrwrrrr. You won't like Mitt when he's angry.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Because the best way to soften the perception that their candidate isn't a mean-spirited bully is to amp up the anger factor.

    2. sullivanst

      You won't like Mitt when he's angry.

      Inside, Mitt is angry all the time. It must show, because I never like him.

  2. Mittens Howell, III

    MSNBC's rush to purchase re-runs of Mr Ed to run on convention nights was a needlessly cruel act.

  3. bumfug

    Anybody with an antenna and a high tolerance for bullshit is free to watch this crap on several different channels.

  4. Mittens Howell, III

    It's a shame, I was looking forward to seeing Trump wearing gold plated water-wings.

  5. JustPixelz

    Unfortunately for Mitt Romney and the Repubicans, when it comes to the television networks: "You didn't build that."

      1. JustPixelz

        If you mean dropping the "L" to make "Repubicans", it is not a mistake. I like to tease their obsessive concern for what happens in the pubic arena.

        1. viennawoods13

          I like it.
          Pres Bartlett: Didn't they attach a family planning rider to the highway bill last year?
          Josh: They did.
          Pres: What's with these people? They can't stop talking about sex.
          Toby: If they can't be havin' it.

  6. Jus_Wonderin

    Oh come on Republicans. The TeeVee is doing you a favor.

    Hawaii 5-0: Reminding Real America that Obama doesn't have a real birf cert.
    Grimm: Our worsening economic situation since Bush handed over a perfect one.
    Castle: (Hell, I don't know….) Teleprompters?

    1. Chichikovovich

      Castle: Doctrine, as in, you can protect your home. And Obama is just waiting to take your guns away! [That's why he hasn't done it yet! Because for some reason unfathomable by anyone except your average wingnut, it will be more satisfying later.]

  7. PsycWench

    "Get Ann Romney to speak! She’s a nice gal who “humanizes Mitt Romney,”
    Nothing could go wrong with that plan.

  8. Monsieur_Grumpe

    What they need is to have an alternative like the Puppy Bowl is to the Super Bowl. May I suggest a roomful of 2 to 4 year olds, a couple of cases of Jolt Cola, lots of prunes and no spare diapers.

  9. JustPixelz

    Hawaii 50? Is that liberal dog whistle for "Barack Obama was born in Hawaii 50 years ago you fuckwads"? If not, it should be.

  10. MLHencken

    I can't understand the lack of excitement over watching privileged old white people getting together to complain about how they don't like the black guy in the white house.

  11. SorosBot

    How is Ann Romney supposed to soften Mitt's image when she's even more entitled, obnoxious and assholish that he is?

  12. Callyson

    This is bad news for late night comedians.

    BTW, the reduced coverage doesn't mean Wonkette won't be live blogging this freakshow, does it? Because I don't think I can handle next week otherwise…

    1. HistoriCat

      Rebecca will be busy liveblogging the strip clubs instead. Less boobs and a better class of ass.

  13. Callyson

    But FOX will run it, right? So we can still get some lulz if we like…or if we have enough alcohol in the house…

    1. SoBeach

      No amount of liquor could get me to watch Fox News coverage of the republican convention. No amount.

        1. actor212

          I mean, it's a nice horse, K? It's just not a medal winning horse, and really isn't good for much of anything except dancing, and it's not particularly good at that.

          Plus, the blonde has MS. While I could turn around a blonde in a minute to an oil sheik in Yemen, they generally want quality merchandise that won't require refurbishing.

    1. kittensdontlie

      I prefer death by arachnid as most fitting, for "oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.''

    2. ChessieNefercat

      Let's just spread the word that Ann has the three gold coins. It's certainly plausible.

    3. finallyhappy

      no way- we need a Mauvais Dentes to do the attack. Eating that dry old white meat could make Monroe sick- and I love my Monroe(and Rosalee!)

      1. ChessieNefercat

        Yeah, all that work he's invested in his Pilates, diet, exercise regimen would end up wasted. Why be mean to sweetie pie Monroe?. Just sic one of the nasty ones on Queen Ann.

  14. anniegetyerfun

    OK, I have seen the new Hawaii 5-0, and I have to admit, I'd rather watch Ann Romney give a speech. Even two.

    1. SorosBot

      I just find it weird, after Star Treks Voyager and Enterprise, the Babylon 5 spinoff Crusade, Angel, Charmed, 24, Spider-Man 2, Hulk, and Lost to see Daniel Dae Kim in something that's not sci-fi or fantasy.

    2. ChessieNefercat

      Aw, I have to confess, I love the show. The acting and writing is bland, but I like seeing so many places that I saw when I lived there for three years way back in the 80s. My younger son was born there. I never really belonged because I wasn't from there and was (still am!) a haole (white person), but I still liked it. I was there long enough to see and do non-touristy stuff.

      Somebody needs to feed Grace Park a pretzel stick or something, though.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        A few years ago, there was some scifi website that boasted having pics of Grace Park in a bikini, and I remember thinking, “Why?”

  15. scionkirk

    Shocking, if only the Republicans had their own major cable network that would dedicate their entire programming to cover every moment of the convention.

        1. BeefHardcake

          Romney's so mechanical, his idea of a centerfold is an old TRS-80 ad from COMPUTE! magazine!


  16. TootsStansbury

    These assholes think they can just order the networks ro air their garbage? Really? Entitled much?

  17. rocktonsam

    I think I'm going to go camping next with lots of beer and hope the storm will mess up Rmoney and Eddie's hair.

  18. OneYieldRegular

    You know your candidate has an image problem when the party has to rely on Ann "we've given you people enough" Romney to provide the warmth factor, and can't even put a cute puppy on the podium without voters being reminded of Mitt being a dog torturer.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    Advisers to Mitt Romney, facing a blackout of the opening-night program they fastidiously scripted to soften perceptions of the candidate, are angry.

    Really, what a shame — after booking Chris Christie to yell at poor people, Paul Ryan to take away every iota of social welfare, Doug Feith to tell us why we should invade Iran, Michele Bachmann to yell at Planned Parenthood, John Bolton to yell at the UN, Donald Trump to yell at Hawaii, Jan Brewer to yell at the Mexicans, Todd Akin to yell at rape victims, Eric Cantor to yell at anyone wanting disaster aid, John Boehner to yell at people who want Congress to do anything, and Rand Paul to yell at people who want Wooloworth's lunch counter to be integrated, the mainstream media decide to skip the five whole minutes of the convention designed to soften Romney's image? Really, they should explain this biased coverage.

    1. chicken_thief

      But Boner will cry afterward, giving everyone a very warm and fuzzy feeling toward the MittBot.

  20. MistaEko

    It would be great if all the detective shows could do a cross-over event and solve who killed Your Parents' Republican Party.

    1. tessiee

      We're talking cross-over?
      How about a cross-over of the convention in Tampa with "Shark Week"?

  21. CrunchyKnee

    What's a matter, Willard, free market not good enough for you? Dump some of your cash to the networks and they'll show it.

  22. fartknocker

    Well fuck me. Karl Rove and Sheldon Adelson keep telling everyone they have SuperPacs with over $100 million in funds. If this GOP shindig is so important for America to witness, they can just go to the networks and purchase X hours of prime time programming.

  23. pinkocommi

    The decision to not cut away from a re-run of Hawaii 5-O for a speech by Mrs. Rmoney sounds about right.

      1. tessiee

        "Not only did we never clap on the beat, we never, no matter how eternally long the song went on, managed to clap at the same time." — Dave Barry

    1. kittensdontlie

      For true lovers of all things of princess Ann of Romney, a fishbird eye nipple chest tattoo would make a perfect fashion statement.

  24. Estproph

    So much for my Ann Romney drinking game…every time she says "you people", take a shot, every time she tries to claim she's just reg'lar folks, down a beer, every time she disparages the common people in some way, take 2 shots…I had planned to be drunk within minutes, but no more.

  25. aaarrrgh

    leona helmsley must be smiling.

    ann was about to take her crown, but, now this!

    still the queen.

  26. actor212

    All we know is that if any of these dumb shows feature a horse, then they’re making fun of Ann Romney for having MS.

    Tonight, on Hawaii Five-O, Dano comes face to face with the jockey who stole his daughter.


    Tonight on Grimm, Detective Burkhardt must ride through the enchanted forest on the back of a mysteriously black stallion


    Tonight on Castle, Dick Castle is called out to Belmont Race Track to investigate…


    So how much did you want for John Wayne's saddle?

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Hey, you know the names of all the main characters! Oh, wait, so do I. Wonderfully scripted and acted bits about the human condition, aren't they?

  27. chicken_thief

    The gal doesn't have the good sense to pick out a decent blouse or be the spokesperson for some charity so it looks like she gives a shit about making an impact – why would anyone want to listen to her?

  28. TribecaMike

    But we're still going to see some obligatory convention tongue-down-throat-ass-grabbing action on the last night, right?

  29. BlueStateLibel

    You're kidding me – the networks refuse to air an hour of an arrogant rich woman talking about "you people?" How surprised am I!

  30. PuckStopsHere

    All she was gonna say was, "GET ME THOSE PUPPIES!" so we're not missing out on a lot here.

  31. Jus_Wonderin

    I don't know if the RNC has thought about this but they might snag some of those viewers back if Ann ate some bugs, or drank some pigs blood, or ran the gauntlet of swinging Nerf dongs or….hell, come on, get creative RNC. Do we have to do all the work for you????????????????

    1. ChessieNefercat

      They will only retain their funding by agreeing to offer 15 versions of Queen Anne expressing her opinion of You People as premiums during Pledge Week. CD! DVD! VHS! Cassette Tape! Your choice!

        1. ChessieNefercat

          Yes! Yes, it does. You can get a totebag if you order the four-pack of DVD for you, and VHS+Cassette+autopen signed picture of Rafalca for Grampy and Nanaw. This for a low low donation of whatever, because let's face it, the handwriting's on the wall.

          You can get an umbrella with the CD of Romney explaining how the wealth will trickle down upon the peasants. Get your umbrella ready!

    1. ChessieNefercat

      I don't see why not. Culp's 5 wives (though consecutive, not concurrent) would cancel out Cosby being blah, right?

  32. randcoolcatdaddy

    Of course, if there's a hurricane, the networks might be interested in showing more than just three hours of the convention.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Yes, but the Hexenbiest seems to have a softer side, compared to her Imperial Highness of the Spun Gold T-Shirt.

  33. Generation[redacted]

    With any luck, the most extensive coverage of the convention will be on the Weather Channel.

  34. ChessieNefercat

    Must get back to work, but seriously? They're still going with "You people should just eat cake" as a good thing? Humanizing the Rombot 3000 unit is one thing, but it seems to me that they might want to consider being somewhat selective about the type of human they want people to think of when they hear "Romney." "Romney = arrogant, snotty bitch" is not a good thing, RNC party planners!

  35. carolinaswamp

    They aren't going to show SC Gov. Nikki Haley's speech either, after she sold out the whole state of South Carolina to get a prime time slot at the convention! They'll be sorry. She is likely to make very unpleasant comments about the networks on her Facebook page. I'm sure this will be devastating for NBC, CBS, and ABC.

  36. DahBoner

    They could save a lot of money by not covering the Convention and just broadcasting Leave it to Beaver reruns with a little graphic at the bottom:


  37. tessiee

    "Grimm" is not a dumb show.
    It is a somewhat awesome show that has crimes based loosely on the Grimm stories. It's set in Portland, and filmed in Portland; and on at least two separate occasions, when I took my daily walk, I walked past where they were filming.

  38. tessiee

    *presses back of hand to forehead*
    Oh, what a crushing blow for Mittens!
    If only his autocratic blonde stepford wife, who refers to America as "you people", were allowed to tell us that Mitt is really just a misunderstood nice guy; we'd completely forget that he has not a single idea in his head that doesn't involve lining the pockets of the 1% and/or crushing the 99% under his solid platinum boot heel.
    But alas, it is not to be.
    *bites knuckle of index finger*

  39. gurukalehuru

    Bullshit. I call Bullshit. The Republicans have more money than God and unlimited influence within the television industry. If they wanted gavel to gavel coverage of their convention, they would have it. No, they're hiding this tardfest like it was Bridget McCain.

    Coupled with Mitt not wanting to talk about his taxes, his tax plan, his economic plan, abortion, his record at Bain Capital or pretty much anything, and the Republican strategy is clear. Keep as much actual information out of the press as possible and bet everything on the big billion dollar ad buy in October.

    It might work, too.

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