What the hell?The Mitt Romney for President 2012 campaign had a smashing idea for night one of next week’s convention: Get Ann Romney to speak! She’s a nice gal who “humanizes Mitt Romney,” don’t you know. Have you heard? Once the world meets Ann Romney, nothing but Endless Victory will follow. And yet problems have arisen: (1) Ann Romney’s opening act will be a hurricane that levels the city of Tampa and (2) CBS, ABC and NBC won’t even be showing the speech. Instead they’re airing repeats of what, one thing about a detective, another one about fairy tales. A Hawaii thing. (They are all about detectives.)

From the NYT:

CBS plans instead to show a rerun of “Hawaii Five-O,” its hit police series. Viewers of NBC will see a new episode of “Grimm,” about a homicide detective with the supernatural ability to sense evil. And ABC plans to show “Castle,” a series about a best-selling mystery novelist who helps solve crimes.

The networks, which reap considerable advertising dollars even from summer reruns, have told the Romney campaign that they will broadcast an hour of convention coverage on the final three nights — but no more.

Advisers to Mitt Romney, facing a blackout of the opening-night program they fastidiously scripted to soften perceptions of the candidate, are angry.

All we know is that if any of these dumb shows feature a horse, then they’re making fun of Ann Romney for having MS. For shame.


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  • Mittens Howell, III

    You People don't need to see Ann's speech. Move along.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I can hear the future outrage when the networks don't preempt the Democratic Convention.

  • Oh silly GOPers. TV Networks motto is Detective Bro's Before MittHo's

  • PuckStopsHere

    They showed their goddamn horse on national TV–isn't that enough?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Grim or Grimm? Tough call.

    • One_who_wanders

      NOTHING is grimmer than the RNC.

      • SorosBot

        Not even NBC's ratings.

    • finallyhappy

      not for me- I adore Grimm and have no plans to watch the GOP convention. I'll follow liveblogging here- maybe but I think I might have to wash my hair during the convention

  • elviouslyqueer

    Accusations of "biased librul Hollywood media in Obama's pocket" in 3…2…1…

  • IncenseDebate

    Too bad since she's doing a dance number with Rafalca.

    • Tijuana style?

      • I don't think RAFLAC's naughty bits compare to a donkey

        • tessiee

          Especially since she's a female horse.

    • Estproph

      So who leads?

    • Jerri

      That I would watch.

  • freakishlywrong

    Advisers to Mitt Romney, facing a blackout of the opening-night program they fastidiously scripted to soften perceptions of the candidate, are angry.

    When are they not angry?
    Roooorrrwrrrr. You won't like Mitt when he's angry.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Because the best way to soften the perception that their candidate isn't a mean-spirited bully is to amp up the anger factor.

      • freakishlywrong

        I liked the term "blackout". Let's hope 2012 is a fucking blackout of these assholes.

    • sullivanst

      You won't like Mitt when he's angry.

      Inside, Mitt is angry all the time. It must show, because I never like him.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    MSNBC's rush to purchase re-runs of Mr Ed to run on convention nights was a needlessly cruel act.

    • PsycWench

      How about that show about the polygamy people? That would be funny.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Big Love? Yes!!!

    • Jus_Wonderin

      oh you WON me!

    • Have I told you lately you're a cruel bitter old man?

      Keep up the good work

    • Rafalca needs a job!

  • bumfug

    Anybody with an antenna and a high tolerance for bullshit is free to watch this crap on several different channels.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    It's a shame, I was looking forward to seeing Trump wearing gold plated water-wings.

  • JustPixelz

    Unfortunately for Mitt Romney and the Repubicans, when it comes to the television networks: "You didn't build that."

    • viennawoods13

      I'm thinking that isn't a spelling mistake.

      • PuckStopsHere

        Yeah, but fairness! Bet they are all in favor of a Doctrine or something now.

      • JustPixelz

        If you mean dropping the "L" to make "Repubicans", it is not a mistake. I like to tease their obsessive concern for what happens in the pubic arena.

        • AbandonHope_

          (Insert pubic arena joke incorporating "one man enters" here)

        • viennawoods13

          I like it.
          Pres Bartlett: Didn't they attach a family planning rider to the highway bill last year?
          Josh: They did.
          Pres: What's with these people? They can't stop talking about sex.
          Toby: If they can't be havin' it.

  • veritass

    Don't fret! I have an advance copy of her speech.

    "You people can suck my dick." -Ann Romney

    • kittensdontlie

      "and for the privilege I want royalties for it".

    • DahBoner

      That was originally written for Ann Coulter.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Oh come on Republicans. The TeeVee is doing you a favor.

    Hawaii 5-0: Reminding Real America that Obama doesn't have a real birf cert.
    Grimm: Our worsening economic situation since Bush handed over a perfect one.
    Castle: (Hell, I don't know….) Teleprompters?

    • Chichikovovich

      Castle: Doctrine, as in, you can protect your home. And Obama is just waiting to take your guns away! [That's why he hasn't done it yet! Because for some reason unfathomable by anyone except your average wingnut, it will be more satisfying later.]

    • Exhausted66

      Castle: As in, Where does Mitt Rmoney live.

    • SorosBot

      Castle just makes one wish Firefly hadn't been canceled so soon.

      • finallyhappy

        Bring Firefly back!!

        • ChessieNefercat

          Remember when Castle wore his Firefly outfit for Halloween?

          • finallyhappy

            yes! And the daughter said something like " dad, you wore that 7 years ago"

  • Mittens Howell, III

    If we did watch her speech it would just give us more ammunition.

  • PsycWench

    "Get Ann Romney to speak! She’s a nice gal who “humanizes Mitt Romney,”
    Nothing could go wrong with that plan.

    • One_who_wanders

      We need a candidates wife with a superpower!

    • kittensdontlie

      Ann is a malleable lead to Mitt's poorly casted iron.

    • TribecaMike

      Somebody's got to lube the droid.

    • Boredw/Gravitas

      All that "You people…." crap has certainly humanized Mittens for me.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    What they need is to have an alternative like the Puppy Bowl is to the Super Bowl. May I suggest a roomful of 2 to 4 year olds, a couple of cases of Jolt Cola, lots of prunes and no spare diapers.

    • BeefHardcake

      Can I at least have a tarp?

    • With Puppy Bowl, at least you can tell it's not the real thing.

  • JustPixelz

    Hawaii 50? Is that liberal dog whistle for "Barack Obama was born in Hawaii 50 years ago you fuckwads"? If not, it should be.

    • Crank_Tango

      It's just a plan to distract us from the great 57 states controversy.

    • Fox E. Puppet

      If it were Kenya 5-0, you might have yourself a decent dog whistle…

  • Mittens Howell, III

    They're still covering Mitt's un-zippering, yes?

  • sharethegrief

    No one needs a "supernatural ability" to sense evil when the Romneys are around.

  • smashedinhat

    I would have preferred repeats of the wonderful animated series, Duckman:Private Dick.

    • Baconzgood


  • MacRaith

    Hey, GOP, if you want the air time, BUY IT. Isn't that how things work in your world anyway?

    • OneYieldRegular

      Free enterprise isn't free, ya know.

    • MosesInvests


  • Ann Romney, the other white meat

  • viennawoods13

    I'm loving me some Grimm. Good call, NBC.

    • Angry_Marmot

      Bill Willingham's Fables FTW.

  • I can't understand the lack of excitement over watching privileged old white people getting together to complain about how they don't like the black guy in the white house.

    • bibliotequetress

      "All in the Londonderry NH Family"

      • London-derriere?

        • bibliotequetress

          "You people can kiss my Londonderriere."

  • SorosBot

    How is Ann Romney supposed to soften Mitt's image when she's even more entitled, obnoxious and assholish that he is?

    • Blueb4sinrise

      '…softening the image'…………

      • That's not the only thing she softens, if you know what I mean.

        • Blueb4sinrise

          Horse dick?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I bet they autotune her and set that to a brisk beat pop melody.

      • SorosBot

        She'd be even worse than Rebecca Black.

  • Wilcoxyz

    So Mitt wants free tv coverage for his wife. Figures.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Free?!? That shit's deductible!

  • Callyson

    This is bad news for late night comedians.

    BTW, the reduced coverage doesn't mean Wonkette won't be live blogging this freakshow, does it? Because I don't think I can handle next week otherwise…

    • HistoriCat

      Rebecca will be busy liveblogging the strip clubs instead. Less boobs and a better class of ass.

  • Callyson

    But FOX will run it, right? So we can still get some lulz if we like…or if we have enough alcohol in the house…

    • SoBeach

      No amount of liquor could get me to watch Fox News coverage of the republican convention. No amount.

  • SexySmurf

    Sorry Ann, but for "us people" Monday is Pawn Stars night.

    • So what did you want to do with this old bottle blonde? Did you want to pawn it? Sell it?

      • …and the horse it pranced in on.

        • I mean, it's a nice horse, K? It's just not a medal winning horse, and really isn't good for much of anything except dancing, and it's not particularly good at that.

          Plus, the blonde has MS. While I could turn around a blonde in a minute to an oil sheik in Yemen, they generally want quality merchandise that won't require refurbishing.

    • tracyhasfun

      Reruns of Top Gear on BBC America.

  • I might watch Ann if Monroe from Grimm eats her at the end of the speech.

    • kittensdontlie

      I prefer death by arachnid as most fitting, for "oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.''

    • ChessieNefercat

      Let's just spread the word that Ann has the three gold coins. It's certainly plausible.

    • finallyhappy

      no way- we need a Mauvais Dentes to do the attack. Eating that dry old white meat could make Monroe sick- and I love my Monroe(and Rosalee!)

      • ChessieNefercat

        Yeah, all that work he's invested in his Pilates, diet, exercise regimen would end up wasted. Why be mean to sweetie pie Monroe?. Just sic one of the nasty ones on Queen Ann.

      • Monrosalee!

  • SorosBot

    The networks have already given all you people need to know about the convention.

  • anniegetyerfun

    OK, I have seen the new Hawaii 5-0, and I have to admit, I'd rather watch Ann Romney give a speech. Even two.

    • SorosBot

      I just find it weird, after Star Treks Voyager and Enterprise, the Babylon 5 spinoff Crusade, Angel, Charmed, 24, Spider-Man 2, Hulk, and Lost to see Daniel Dae Kim in something that's not sci-fi or fantasy.

      • anniegetyerfun

        And Grace Park as a non-Cylon baffled me.

    • I like how they recap stuff every five minutes for the dumbs.
      And super-saturating the color, because Hawaii is SO dull without it!!1!

    • ChessieNefercat

      Aw, I have to confess, I love the show. The acting and writing is bland, but I like seeing so many places that I saw when I lived there for three years way back in the 80s. My younger son was born there. I never really belonged because I wasn't from there and was (still am!) a haole (white person), but I still liked it. I was there long enough to see and do non-touristy stuff.

      Somebody needs to feed Grace Park a pretzel stick or something, though.

      • anniegetyerfun

        A few years ago, there was some scifi website that boasted having pics of Grace Park in a bikini, and I remember thinking, “Why?”

  • scionkirk

    Shocking, if only the Republicans had their own major cable network that would dedicate their entire programming to cover every moment of the convention.

  • She’s a nice gal who “humanizes Mitt Romney,”

    How? Does she compare him favorably to her vibrator?

    • BeefHardcake

      As robotic as Romney is, I think he could be humanized by one of the Decepticons.

      • Data has Romney's photo taped to his refrigerator

        • BeefHardcake

          Romney's so mechanical, his idea of a centerfold is an old TRS-80 ad from COMPUTE! magazine!


          • Throughput! THROUGHPUT! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH, DATA DUMP! OH, MY FORBIN! OH! OH! OHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

          • tessiee

            Hook up the male and female connector units!!

          • Kinky!

            No, I mean the cable is kinked.

    • MosesInvests

      Illogical! Illogical! Norman, correlate!

    • bibliotequetress

      Thank you, I needed to read that.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Watching the Dectectives. It's also a kicking tune.

  • TootsStansbury

    These assholes think they can just order the networks ro air their garbage? Really? Entitled much?

    • freakishlywrong

      "It's our turn." "Start packing"..*hatelaugh*.

      • Oblios_Cap

        They're pretty much free ads on the news anyway.

  • rocktonsam

    I think I'm going to go camping next with lots of beer and hope the storm will mess up Rmoney and Eddie's hair.

  • One might deduce that the networks have already figured out that Ann Romney is not "ratings gold".

  • OneYieldRegular

    You know your candidate has an image problem when the party has to rely on Ann "we've given you people enough" Romney to provide the warmth factor, and can't even put a cute puppy on the podium without voters being reminded of Mitt being a dog torturer.

    • Angry_Marmot

      They could tie the puppy on the roof of the Tampa Bay Times Forum, built with $86 million socialist taxpayer monies and $53 million more from the Tampa Bay Lightning.

  • Baconzgood

    I'd rather it's a Columbo from the 70's

  • slithytoves

    I'll be tuned to the Weather Channel – best convention coverage, I hope.

  • Advisers to Mitt Romney, facing a blackout of the opening-night program they fastidiously scripted to soften perceptions of the candidate, are angry.

    Really, what a shame — after booking Chris Christie to yell at poor people, Paul Ryan to take away every iota of social welfare, Doug Feith to tell us why we should invade Iran, Michele Bachmann to yell at Planned Parenthood, John Bolton to yell at the UN, Donald Trump to yell at Hawaii, Jan Brewer to yell at the Mexicans, Todd Akin to yell at rape victims, Eric Cantor to yell at anyone wanting disaster aid, John Boehner to yell at people who want Congress to do anything, and Rand Paul to yell at people who want Wooloworth's lunch counter to be integrated, the mainstream media decide to skip the five whole minutes of the convention designed to soften Romney's image? Really, they should explain this biased coverage.

    • chicken_thief

      But Boner will cry afterward, giving everyone a very warm and fuzzy feeling toward the MittBot.

    • Who can I thank for setting up these dumbbells so you could gleefully knock them down?
      Oh that's right. The tools themselves.

  • MistaEko

    It would be great if all the detective shows could do a cross-over event and solve who killed Your Parents' Republican Party.

    • tessiee

      We're talking cross-over?
      How about a cross-over of the convention in Tampa with "Shark Week"?

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Will This be relevant in any way?

  • CrunchyKnee

    What's a matter, Willard, free market not good enough for you? Dump some of your cash to the networks and they'll show it.

  • fartknocker

    Well fuck me. Karl Rove and Sheldon Adelson keep telling everyone they have SuperPacs with over $100 million in funds. If this GOP shindig is so important for America to witness, they can just go to the networks and purchase X hours of prime time programming.

  • So basically, they're showing "Murder She Wrote", "Kolchak The Night Stalker", and "Hawaii 5-0"? Is this 1974 or 1987? I'm so confused.

    • bibliotequetress

      Bring back Kolchak. I loved that, when I was 7.

  • pinkocommi

    The decision to not cut away from a re-run of Hawaii 5-O for a speech by Mrs. Rmoney sounds about right.

  • MissTaken

    Shucks, and Ann got herself a new fishbird eye nipple shirt just for the occasion.

    • Fishbird Eye Nipple would make a great name for a blues tribute band made up of white guys playing kazoos.

      • Blueb4sinrise

        Hey! Thanks!

      • (Holds up lighter) Fishbiiiiiird!!

      • Blueb4sinrise
      • tessiee

        "Not only did we never clap on the beat, we never, no matter how eternally long the song went on, managed to clap at the same time." — Dave Barry

    • SorosBot

      Money can't buy you a good fashion sense, apparently.

      • anniegetyerfun

        But it can usually buy you a servant who DOES have good fashion sense.

    • kittensdontlie

      For true lovers of all things of princess Ann of Romney, a fishbird eye nipple chest tattoo would make a perfect fashion statement.

  • Estproph

    So much for my Ann Romney drinking game…every time she says "you people", take a shot, every time she tries to claim she's just reg'lar folks, down a beer, every time she disparages the common people in some way, take 2 shots…I had planned to be drunk within minutes, but no more.

  • aaarrrgh

    leona helmsley must be smiling.

    ann was about to take her crown, but, now this!

    still the queen.

    • TribecaMike

      Woof! Woof!

  • All we know is that if any of these dumb shows feature a horse, then they’re making fun of Ann Romney for having MS.

    Tonight, on Hawaii Five-O, Dano comes face to face with the jockey who stole his daughter.


    Tonight on Grimm, Detective Burkhardt must ride through the enchanted forest on the back of a mysteriously black stallion


    Tonight on Castle, Dick Castle is called out to Belmont Race Track to investigate…


    So how much did you want for John Wayne's saddle?

    • ChessieNefercat

      Hey, you know the names of all the main characters! Oh, wait, so do I. Wonderfully scripted and acted bits about the human condition, aren't they?

  • mavenmaven

    We'll see her plenty when she's on Dancing with the Stars.

  • chicken_thief

    The gal doesn't have the good sense to pick out a decent blouse or be the spokesperson for some charity so it looks like she gives a shit about making an impact – why would anyone want to listen to her?

  • TribecaMike

    But we're still going to see some obligatory convention tongue-down-throat-ass-grabbing action on the last night, right?

    • ChessieNefercat

      God, I hope not. Arpaio and Brewer? {shudder}
      Oh, you mean Mitt 'n' Ann? {{shudder}}

  • ChrisM2011

    I think I've already seen this RNC show anyway. Around here it's called, Duck Dynasty.

  • BlueStateLibel

    You're kidding me – the networks refuse to air an hour of an arrogant rich woman talking about "you people?" How surprised am I!

  • RadioBowels

    If she brings Rifalca it'll be a real Dog and Pony Show!


  • PuckStopsHere

    All she was gonna say was, "GET ME THOSE PUPPIES!" so we're not missing out on a lot here.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I don't know if the RNC has thought about this but they might snag some of those viewers back if Ann ate some bugs, or drank some pigs blood, or ran the gauntlet of swinging Nerf dongs or….hell, come on, get creative RNC. Do we have to do all the work for you????????????????

  • tomrfinn

    you know who will be covering Ann Romney's Speech? PBS. But that's only for libtards

    • tomrfinn

      Indeed 3 HOURS of coverage instead of Rick Steves or NOVA or This Old House or whatever

      • viennawoods13

        Damn. Monday night is Hustle night on PBS.

    • ChessieNefercat

      They will only retain their funding by agreeing to offer 15 versions of Queen Anne expressing her opinion of You People as premiums during Pledge Week. CD! DVD! VHS! Cassette Tape! Your choice!

      • MosesInvests

        Does that come with a tote bag or an umbrella?

        • ChessieNefercat

          Yes! Yes, it does. You can get a totebag if you order the four-pack of DVD for you, and VHS+Cassette+autopen signed picture of Rafalca for Grampy and Nanaw. This for a low low donation of whatever, because let's face it, the handwriting's on the wall.

          You can get an umbrella with the CD of Romney explaining how the wealth will trickle down upon the peasants. Get your umbrella ready!

  • TribecaMike

    Are Mormons allowed to watch I Spy?

    • ChessieNefercat

      I don't see why not. Culp's 5 wives (though consecutive, not concurrent) would cancel out Cosby being blah, right?

  • barto

    Now even the fucking weather has a liberal bias.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Of course, if there's a hurricane, the networks might be interested in showing more than just three hours of the convention.

  • Misty Malarky

    Ann Romney is sort of like a Hexenbiest, so it's all the same difference anyhow.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Yes, but the Hexenbiest seems to have a softer side, compared to her Imperial Highness of the Spun Gold T-Shirt.

  • So they're not showing Mitt's work as a missionary in a feral kitten refuge and a puppy farm?

  • Generation[redacted]

    With any luck, the most extensive coverage of the convention will be on the Weather Channel.

  • ChessieNefercat

    Must get back to work, but seriously? They're still going with "You people should just eat cake" as a good thing? Humanizing the Rombot 3000 unit is one thing, but it seems to me that they might want to consider being somewhat selective about the type of human they want people to think of when they hear "Romney." "Romney = arrogant, snotty bitch" is not a good thing, RNC party planners!

  • carolinaswamp

    They aren't going to show SC Gov. Nikki Haley's speech either, after she sold out the whole state of South Carolina to get a prime time slot at the convention! They'll be sorry. She is likely to make very unpleasant comments about the networks on her Facebook page. I'm sure this will be devastating for NBC, CBS, and ABC.

  • DahBoner

    They could save a lot of money by not covering the Convention and just broadcasting Leave it to Beaver reruns with a little graphic at the bottom:


  • Solution seems simple: if the Networks are hellbent on showing murder mysteries, just murder someone.

    With votes.

  • BZ1

    Saw the Ann on the teevee, not all that nice.

  • tessiee

    "Grimm" is not a dumb show.
    It is a somewhat awesome show that has crimes based loosely on the Grimm stories. It's set in Portland, and filmed in Portland; and on at least two separate occasions, when I took my daily walk, I walked past where they were filming.

  • tessiee

    Oh, fer the love a…
    It absolutely floors me how much these bilionaires love something for nothing.
    I suppose now Mitt will show up with some fucking laminated note from the head of the network and demand free airtime, like he was Lindsay Lohan's mother at Carvel:

  • tessiee

    *presses back of hand to forehead*
    Oh, what a crushing blow for Mittens!
    If only his autocratic blonde stepford wife, who refers to America as "you people", were allowed to tell us that Mitt is really just a misunderstood nice guy; we'd completely forget that he has not a single idea in his head that doesn't involve lining the pockets of the 1% and/or crushing the 99% under his solid platinum boot heel.
    But alas, it is not to be.
    *bites knuckle of index finger*

  • mr bojangles

    show us your tits!

  • ttommyunger

    I'm wondering what level of force would be required to force me to watch her speak…

  • vtxmcrider

    Hawaii Five-O? Now we know Obama is behind this.

  • Bullshit. I call Bullshit. The Republicans have more money than God and unlimited influence within the television industry. If they wanted gavel to gavel coverage of their convention, they would have it. No, they're hiding this tardfest like it was Bridget McCain.

    Coupled with Mitt not wanting to talk about his taxes, his tax plan, his economic plan, abortion, his record at Bain Capital or pretty much anything, and the Republican strategy is clear. Keep as much actual information out of the press as possible and bet everything on the big billion dollar ad buy in October.

    It might work, too.

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