THE YECCHS FILES  3:30 pm August 24, 2012

Creative Unified Obama Conspiracy Theory Designed to Push All Wingnut Buttons At Once

by Doktor Zoom

But what about the Chemtrails, huh?Back in our grad skool Shakespeare class, Professor Kiefer noted that Elizabethan tragedians, keen to keep the groundlings entertained, kept ramping up onstage murders until some plays ended with bodies heaped all over the stage. He linked this to other escalations of sensationalism in popular culture, from the Théâtre du Grand-Guignol to the ever-more baroque car chases and summer-camp slashers of Hollywood exploitation flicks. In all these cases, the lurid action and emotional overkill pile up so high that the productions become more ridiculous than titillating. This inevitably leads us to the Cannibal Holocaust of Obama Conspiracy Theories, as propounded by one Avi Lipkin, who may himself be the Herschell Gordon Lewis of conspiracy theorists. He has concocted a giddy fantasia of paranoia, dubious evidence, and outright bullshit that is brilliantly crafted to zap wingnuts’ basal ganglia into a frenzy of activity.

Take a dash of “Obama is a Muslim” and add in wingnut outrage over Obama bowing to foreign leaders, and … hey, what if Obama isn’t merely a Muslim, what if he’s actually a Saudi agent?? Lipkin thinks he’s found the REAL reason for all the saber-rattling toward Iran:

I think Obama’s a Muslim, he’s a Sunni Muslim on orders from Saudi and the Saudis are afraid to get their heads chopped off by the Shiite Iranians, therefore the Saudis are commanding Obama to terminate the Shiite regime.

Now, a sane person might ask why, if that is the case, Obama’s GOP critics think he’s not nearly nukey enough toward Iran (so does that mean they’re more Saudi-controlled?), but shhh, Lipkin’s on a roll. Say, could Lipkin maybe drag in some birthrism? Sure he could! He has a YouTube video hinting that this Saudi connection explains why Obama has refused to reveal his birth certificate (you know, not the REAL one) “or anything else about his past.”

But what about fears of immigrants? Does Lipkin hit any of those buttons? Why, yes, yes he does, and to make things interesting, he also adds the threat of Sharia law, the “debt crisis,” and the United Nations’ Agenda 21. Basically, Obama’s been fomenting all the Arab Spring uprisings (because probably simple brown people can’t start revolts on their own), and then he’s going to help the UN seize huge tracts of land, and then give them to — ta daa! — the tens of millions of Muslims that the U.S. Government has been flying in to the country for years now. And because Obama’s “Dream Act” will have made all illegal aliens into citizens already, we’ll be powerless to keep all those foreign Muslims from becoming a voting majority. We are down the rabbit’s looking glass and chomping a blue pill in the Twilight Zone here, people!

Oh, and does Lipkin mention anchor babies? BETTER: Lipkin says that the “20 to 30 million Muslims in America” (that are already here and you somehow didn’t notice them) are, of course, stealing our women and breeding like crazy:

What happens after they come here is that they marry Christian women, Jewish and Christian American women and then these women become baby factories for Islam because it’s the religion of the father. So if a Muslim father marries a Christian or Jewish mother the children are going to be Muslim. Then they get passports because they married an American woman and once they get passports they bring in their families from the Middle East…. I’ve been following this for the last thirty years and most Americans can’t believe anything I’m saying but I’m on the cutting edge of this.

Did we mention the national debt? Sure, why not! Lipkin knows what THAT’S all about, too:

You have all those people who talk about the American debt being insolvable, where are you going to get $14 trillion from? The answer is very simple, you don’t think the Saudis have $14 trillion in cash? They’ll give you the cash and they will say “we own you now, we’re going to take over America.” … The problem here is America will surrender its Christianity.

Just in case you had any blank spaces left on your Conspiracy Bingo card, Lipkin knows that, ultimately, this all goes well beyond Obama’s Saudi Puppetmasters to the REAL people in charge:

America has been having its leaders chosen, Democrat or Republican, chosen by the one world government, the Masons, the Illuminati, the Trilateral Commission, whatever you want to call these people, these are people who control the world.

Well-played, sir! We are a bit disappointed that Mr. Lipkin failed to mention HAARP, Lizard people, or Queen Elizabeth, but we suppose he may be holding off some of those for later revelations. Now, if he can just find a way to tie this into the notion that Shakespeare didn’t write Shakespeare’s plays, we will finally feel like we understand this crazy old world.

[Right Wing Watch / Mother Jones]

 
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{ 220 comments }

Come here a minute August 24, 2012 at 3:32 pm

And then they force us all to eat broccoli. The end.

Maman August 24, 2012 at 3:39 pm

NO! Not the BROCCOLI!!!

Geminisunmars August 24, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Well, if it broccoli with cedar followed by cakes we like, then maybe.

elviouslyqueer August 24, 2012 at 3:47 pm

ALL HAM.

NellCote71 August 24, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Bravissimo/a. I always likes me a good "cakes we like" reference appropriately used.

Come here a minute August 24, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Mmmm…cedar cheese. With woody notes.

duh_du August 25, 2012 at 1:27 am

Shhhh…It's not really broccoli.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 24, 2012 at 3:33 pm

This Conspiracy Set is clearly incomplete. I see nothing at all regarding the international Communist plot to sap and impurify our Precious Bodily Fluids.

gogogodzilla August 24, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Women sense my power but I deny them my essence.

MaxNeanderthal August 24, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Mein Führer! I can walk!

angrycrank August 25, 2012 at 2:00 am

Also, what about the Black Helecopters, FEMA camps, and Obama's gay lovers? Weak.

Fred_Wertham_Jr August 24, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Makes sense to me. I am so fucking high right now.

Callyson August 24, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I'll have what Fred's having.

ChillBill August 24, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I'll take two. This week fucking sucked.

natoslug August 27, 2012 at 12:04 pm

I started vacation last Saturday, threw out my back the following Monday, and am being forced to catch up on a week's worth of Wonkette this morning. You fucking people comment too much!

C_R_Trogloraptor August 24, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Well, now. I hope you brought enough for everyone!

Sir_Fartz_Alot August 24, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Then lets all go on price is right like skateboard rabbi

UnholyMoses August 24, 2012 at 4:54 pm

I could have taken four hits of triple-dipped acid, chomped down a quarter pound of shrooms, snorted an eight-ball of coke in one fail swoop, injected three grams of meth, pulled about 30 or so bong hits of chronic, and topped it all off with a gallon of grain alcohol … and STILL not been as incoherent as this guy.

GunToting[Redacted] August 24, 2012 at 5:10 pm

How did you learn of my plans for the weekend?

tihond August 24, 2012 at 3:33 pm

NEEDZ MORE TIME TRAVELIN' VINCENT FOSTER.

BarackMyWorld August 24, 2012 at 6:15 pm

True…but really doesn't everything?

Antispandex August 24, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Like I said before, Illegal Mexican, Muslim, Liberal. The trifecta of terror!

Baconzgood August 24, 2012 at 3:35 pm

How can he type with all that foam from his mouth covering his keyboard?

bureaucrap August 24, 2012 at 3:35 pm

The wingnuts weren't upset when W. really WAS the Saudi agent. Why they gettin' all hot'n'bothered now?

NellCote71 August 24, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Or when Rumsfield was pallin' around with Saddam.

Beowoof August 24, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Let me think what could be bumming them out now, you know holding hands with brown skinned guys is not nearly as bad as actually having brown skin.

Misty Malarky August 24, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Please, Mitt!

Mormanize me NOW!

LibertyLover August 24, 2012 at 3:42 pm

There's a line. They'll get to you after you are dead though.

SpiderCrab August 24, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Careful what you wish for.

Dudleydidwrong August 24, 2012 at 5:07 pm

I'm sorry, but whatever it is that this Lipkin guy is farting can't be as bad as that. No, Mitt. Not now, not ever.

MaxNeanderthal August 24, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Mitt Romney=Merkin Muffley. Plus ca change…

bumfug August 24, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I can't believe I even noticed this, what with all the time I'm spending on Craig's List checking out apartments in Ecuador and Costa Rica. Fuck this place.

ChillBill August 24, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Ecuador? I heard Julian Assange needs a roomie.

Terry August 24, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Just don't fall asleep around Assange. Make sure you lock him out of your bedroom each night.

Chet Kincaid_ August 24, 2012 at 4:01 pm

"Oops, I broke another condom in your ass while you were sleeping."

Chet Kincaid_ August 24, 2012 at 4:07 pm

"Also, I've already got 10,000,000 hits for your credit report, birth certificate, medical records, academic transcripts and scans of your personal journal from 1987 through yesterday on my RoomiLeaks site."

finallyhappy August 24, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I know someone who lives in Costa Rica most of the time(no, not Rush!) and loves it. I still haven't made the trip there(the usual tourist one- but maybe to get the lay of the land)

BoatOfVelociraptors August 24, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I can't believe Kenny Loggins isn't cashing in with the song "Highway to Sharia Zone".

actor212 August 24, 2012 at 3:36 pm

He linked this to other escalations of sensationalism in popular culture, from the Théâtre du Grand-Guignol to the ever-more baroque car chases and summer-camp slashers of Hollywood exploitation flicks.

Snob.

elviouslyqueer August 24, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Alan Sokal would like to have a word.

actor212 August 24, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I'm quite intransigenestics on the Sokal affair, its hermeunetics are divisive and wholly ballastible

elviouslyqueer August 24, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Sopoforic post-post-structuralist simulacrums now, phenomenological proto-Marxist ideological genderfucked gerunds forever!

bobbert August 24, 2012 at 7:01 pm

YOU GUYS CUT THAT OUT!!!

Or at least throw in some French.

Butch_Wagstaff August 24, 2012 at 9:31 pm

I was not sure if should post such a bold comment…but, oh my! Your words are BIG!

Mittens Howell, III August 24, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Americans Can't Handle the true birth certificate.

Seriously, it's written in Arabic. Americans can barely read American words.

iburl August 24, 2012 at 3:36 pm

If a muslim man marries a jewish woman, the baby is muslim? Does this prove God is a muslim?

Terry August 24, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Since Judaism is supposed to inherit through the mother (I know there is a better way to say that), the kid would be a walking genetic West Bank.

finallyhappy August 24, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Matrilineal Descent – unless you are Reform – in which case either parent is ok- if you want the kid to be Jewish.

CleverSobriquet August 24, 2012 at 5:13 pm

cause you always know who your mama is

bobbert August 24, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Simultaneously Jewish and Muslim. Schroedinger's Religion?

Ayn Rand Paul Tard August 24, 2012 at 3:36 pm

What, no reverse vampires?!

Generation[redacted] August 24, 2012 at 3:42 pm

They'll swoop in with the saucer people while we're busy trying to sort this out.

SavageDrummer August 24, 2012 at 3:59 pm

And dinner was my favourite meal too… :(

Chet Kincaid_ August 24, 2012 at 3:59 pm

(Deep, constipated drawl) I'm Fred Thompson for Reverse Vampires.

Baconzgood August 24, 2012 at 3:36 pm

"most Americans can’t believe anything I’m saying"

The only truth that has come out of his head hole in years.

Mittens Howell, III August 24, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Fun fact: according to Republican doctors the head hole squeezes shut when under assault from liberals, and keeps the organism from being impregnated with 'knowledge'.

Graham Cracker August 24, 2012 at 4:58 pm

It is a scientific fact that this only happens when one is assaulted with "legitimate" knowledge.

BarackMyWorld August 24, 2012 at 3:37 pm

So…Obama was in Dallas in November of '63?

actor212 August 24, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Why? What happened then?

Oh you mean the "Kennedy assasination"? Well how could he be dead if he's still alive, huh?

BarackMyWorld August 24, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Do the math, though…

Being a small child would be the perfect cover for being around the book depository that day, which doesn't surprise me since his mom would have to be in on the conspiracy as well…

actor212 August 24, 2012 at 3:57 pm

I meant that JFK is still alive.

Baconzgood August 24, 2012 at 4:09 pm
IonaTrailer August 24, 2012 at 5:17 pm

I spit on my computer screen when I saw that.
My poor America. This is what happens when you teach your grandmother about the internet.

Butch_Wagstaff August 24, 2012 at 6:50 pm

I had forgotten about Mae Brussell and her "archive". These right wing Obama conspiracy theorists are amateurs compared to her.

Mittens Howell, III August 24, 2012 at 3:42 pm

.. on the grassy mosque.

Doktor Zoom August 24, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Oh, dang. It is too late to change the photo to the Cigarette-Smoking Man.

Gosh, I wonder if there will be any more crazy rightwing conspiracy stories I could use that with.

MissTaken August 24, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Don't be ridiculous. Obama was at the Ford's Theater in April of '65.

actor212 August 24, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I remember reading that. That was when Lincoln was about to unmask John Wilkes Booth as Illuminati.

emmelemm August 24, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Was that before or after he killed some vampires?

actor212 August 24, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Oh, well after. Remember, we beat them in the War Between the Stakes,

bobbert August 24, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Dealy Lama LIBEL!!!!

facehead August 24, 2012 at 3:37 pm

What a maniac!

If a conspiracy theory doesn't mention the Denver National Airport, it ain't true.

actor212 August 24, 2012 at 3:37 pm

How did he miss the Mole People?

gurukalehuru August 24, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Shakespeare did not write Shakespeare's plays. It was, however, coincidentally, a different author with the same exact name.

LibertyLover August 24, 2012 at 3:38 pm

This guy was a guest on Art Bell's Coast to Coast, wasn't he?

fartknocker August 24, 2012 at 3:38 pm

So I guess this means when don't need CBP or that danged fence on the U.S./Mexico border? Sweet. This will make it much easier for me to get more customers into my Abortionplex in Nogales, AZ.

MacRaith August 24, 2012 at 3:38 pm

So where, exactly, does the impending zombie apocalypse fit into this?

Oh, wait, I get it, it's this Avi Lipkin guy who's the brain-dead zombie! Now we're talking!

metamarcisf August 24, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Where does Nostradamus fit into all of this?

docterry6973 August 24, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Wait, I see it all now. I am in terrible danger. YOU ARE ALL IN ON IT!!! My God, what can I do? Where did I put that gun…

Ah, screw it. What time do the Phillies come on?

ChillBill August 24, 2012 at 3:38 pm

WHAT
THE
FUCK?

Baconzgood August 24, 2012 at 3:48 pm

'nuf said.

Terry August 24, 2012 at 3:39 pm

You know, if ANY American president was under the control of the Saudis, it would have been G.W. Bush. Maybe his father, too.

Mittens Howell, III August 24, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I give up, I'm tired of not fitting in any more.

It's time to strap on a bicycle helmet and just walk around yelling baseball stats at everyone while stuffing twinkies in my mouth.

coolhandnuke August 24, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Years back in Baltimore, I came across a street-side prophet wearing a sombrero and a rain poncho who was screaming out "the Mendoza Line, he can't hit above the Mendoza Line, my grandma can hit above the Mendoza Line, goddamn Mendoza Line hitting peanut eating Bucky Fucking Dent looking…"
To this day, it's still a mystery to me who this crazed dude was talking about–an Oriole? Jimmy Carter? Scott Baio?

UnholyMoses August 24, 2012 at 4:55 pm

To this day, it's still a mystery to me who this crazed dude was talking about

Damn never every Royals' player since George Brett and Bo Jackson left KC … ?

mwittier August 25, 2012 at 12:41 am

I will cover the Twin Cities metropolitan area, only: showercap, vintage cinema trivia, and Little Debbie Swiss cake rolls.

The Revolution is Now! Barbara Stanwyck's real name is Ruby Stevens! Lord, but this chocolate is waxy!

Baconzgood August 24, 2012 at 3:39 pm

JEWS CONTROL THE MEDIA FAIL!!!!!!

Monsieur_Grumpe August 24, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I found a film clip and I think it's Avi Lapkin.. http://videosift.com/video/Firesign-Theater-Gover

Dudleydidwrong August 24, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Lipkin is still Waiting for the Electrician. Or someone like him.

LibertyLover August 24, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Wait. Where are the pod people?

GhostBuggy August 24, 2012 at 4:58 pm

You know, sometimes I think the Invasion of the Body-Snatchers actually happened, and our current society is the result. Sort of like Patton Oswalt's realization that if life was a sci-fi movie about parallel worlds, we're definitely the "evil" universe.

Callyson August 24, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Author Avi Lapkin has been making the rounds in churches warning audiences of the nefarious plot, and is frequently cited as a “scholar” by the American Family Association’s news division, OneNewsNow. Yesterday he appeared on Today’s Issues with the AFA’s Tim Wildmon and Marvin Sanders

I did not know that the AFA was actually a comedy club. Are they going to book Michael Richards and Andrew Dice Clay next?

PubOption August 24, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Probably Carlos Mencia. They might even think some of his jokes are funny.

Butch_Wagstaff August 24, 2012 at 9:04 pm

All Mencia would have to say is: "Beaners!"
And the crowd just starts laughing their asses off.

carlgt1 August 24, 2012 at 3:40 pm

yet there was nothing at all fishy with Dumbya holding hands with fat Saudi princes and having "Bandar Bush" and the bin Laden family as close personal friends etc etc….

anniegetyerfun August 24, 2012 at 3:58 pm

DIFFERENT BECAUSE BLACK

Baconzgood August 24, 2012 at 3:40 pm

My precious bodily fluids are still ok though. Right?

LibertyLover August 24, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Actually. The doctor called…

Chet Kincaid_ August 24, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Tsk tsk, Dok, how could you neglect the batshit of his website and sterling credentials?
http://www.vicmord.com/index.html
http://www.vicmord.com/biography.html

Dudleydidwrong August 24, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Is he a member of the People's Front for the Liberation of Judea or the Judean People's Front? I get them confuzzed.

Boojum August 25, 2012 at 1:54 am

He wrote a frigging almanac about Islamic threats.

Maman August 24, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Explain how a Muslim father married to a Jewish woman has Muslim children. Jewishness is transferred through the mother.

Chet Kincaid_ August 24, 2012 at 3:43 pm

But Muslin is transferred through the father!! There is a 6 Day War in the Uterus, and babby is whatever wins.

elviouslyqueer August 24, 2012 at 4:09 pm

So. much. WIN.

Veritas78 August 24, 2012 at 8:39 pm

The downside is that male Jewish/Muslim babies get circumsized twice.

Dr_Zoidberg August 24, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Now, now…don't bring logic to an insanity fight.

Doktor Zoom August 24, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Nuh-uh. It is overpowered by Muslimness, because Muslim genes sneak in and cut the throats of all the Jewish genes in the middle of the night. It is a science fact.

midnighttoker69 August 24, 2012 at 5:00 pm

SCIENCE??? How dare you bring science into this, sir? The same God that made this world in six days and buried all those dinosaur fossils to fuck with our heads and left the Loch Ness Monster as proof of his creation MADE those children to be Muslims and Jews BOTH!!! How dare you imply that MY Christian God did anything else????

Baconzgood August 24, 2012 at 3:50 pm

The Muslim suicide bombs the Jewishness? I'm just spit balling here.

anniegetyerfun August 24, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Muslims would tell you that the father's religion dictates how children will be raised. This is why Muslim women cannot marry men outside of Islam, because then their kids would be raised as something else, and we can't have that.

CthuNHu August 24, 2012 at 4:33 pm

The baby is halfway between the two, i.e. a Christian.

Science!

C_R_Trogloraptor August 24, 2012 at 3:42 pm

*Picks up Book, blows dust off, opens*

Let's see…. *flips pages* Hmmmm…Diseases…Locusts…Floods…*flip, flip* Murder of firstborn… flame…Hey, a pillar of salt!

Nope. Nothing in here about a Plague of violent, frightened, impossibly paranoid, highly propagandized morons.

That's weird.

HogeyeGrex August 24, 2012 at 3:56 pm

It must be in the third part of the trilogy, The Return of the Hydrocephalic Paste-Eaters.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 24, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Well, it's either there or in the prequel: The Scumarillion.

actor212 August 24, 2012 at 4:01 pm

It rained frogs.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 24, 2012 at 4:04 pm

I've been through that before and it's really not that bad. All the legs you can eat.

actor212 August 24, 2012 at 4:06 pm

That's a Friday night around my place.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 24, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Hey, you're not the only one!

Allmighty_Manos August 24, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Don't laugh. Avi Lapkin just took over Orrin Hatch's speaking slot next week,

emmelemm August 24, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I'm just really enjoying the words "basal ganglia".

savethispatient August 24, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Sounds like it'd go nicely on an arugula salad, no?

James Michael Curley August 24, 2012 at 4:26 pm

A bit stringy.

Dr_Zoidberg August 24, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Damn it all! All my life I've wanted to be a baby factory for Islam, and now I'm almost too old to have children! Why do all the best things pass me by?!

Baconzgood August 24, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Jeez. Keep this guy away from the model air-plane glue.

HogeyeGrex August 24, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Too late.

prommie August 24, 2012 at 4:14 pm

For fucking fuck's sake how many times do I have to say it, "Carbona, not glue!"

Grief_Lessons August 24, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
As I foretold you, were all spirits, and
Are melted into air, into thin air;
And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
The cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces,
The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve;
And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
As dreams are made on, and our little life
Is rounded with a sleep.

Dr_Zoidberg August 24, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Don't bring your fancy book learnin' in here, you elitist.

elviouslyqueer August 24, 2012 at 3:46 pm

What? No Gays?

I AM SEVERELY DISAPPOINT.

actor212 August 24, 2012 at 3:55 pm

It's just all about you, isn't it?

elviouslyqueer August 24, 2012 at 4:07 pm

HIS EGO KNOWS NO BOUNDS AND HE IS AN INSUFFERABLE IDIOT THAT WE GET TO REPLACE IN NOVEMBER.

IOW, yes, obvs.

JohnnyQuick August 24, 2012 at 3:56 pm

White Gay Muslim Communist Saudi Agents are bad, but Black Gay Muslim Communist Saudi Agents? Whoo, boy.

Nostrildamus August 24, 2012 at 5:34 pm

There, there, dear. Try a little harder next time.

Joshua Norton August 24, 2012 at 3:46 pm

I’ve given up seeking a sane GOoPer. I’ll settle for one that remembers to take their meds when they should.

OneYieldRegular August 24, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Obama can't be Saudi. I saw his Kenyan birth certificate on Orly Taitz's site.

neiltheblaze August 24, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Buttons? I think they're more as G-spots.

MissTaken August 24, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Michelle, Barack's co-Muslim-agent, wants you to stop drinking sugary soda and instead drink more water for the fluoride. This is serious.

Goonemeritus August 24, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Mr. Lapkin comes off as either naïve or an Obama apologist, how could he fail to point out Reparations, government mandated gay conversion and the forced euthanizing of all SUV owners.

CleverSobriquet August 24, 2012 at 5:18 pm

and confiscating your guns

Nostrildamus August 24, 2012 at 5:36 pm

The last two sound kinda fun.

Calapine August 24, 2012 at 3:48 pm

I really like the "marry christian woman" part, as if somehow women couldn't object to being married or fell for Muslim-charm en masse.

Ties very nicely into the women-as-passive-object vibe I notice in a lot of right-wingers.

anniegetyerfun August 24, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Women can't be trusted to make their own choices!

Interestingly, this is also the argument that conservative Muslim men make when arguing why Muslim women are disallowed from marrying Christian/Jewish men.

Calapine August 24, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Apparently we can't!

Any male Wonketters willing to play legal guardian? I am confused and need to be told what to think.

Dudleydidwrong August 24, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Me! Me! (If you are rich….)

LibertyLover August 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm

or driving a car.

SavageDrummer August 24, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Not even a hat tip to fluoride in the water? I am disappoint…

SayItWithWookies August 24, 2012 at 3:52 pm

No sasquatch, no Federal Reserve, no MexiCanadian highway, and nothing about what happened to the USS Thresher, and this dumbshit thinks he's got all the bases covered? Fuckin' n00b.

actor212 August 24, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Well, Sasquatch Isreal, so…

UnholyMoses August 24, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Think that's an inside joke at the Other Place we frequent.

(I'm "Mark M" over at S, N! Industries, though been a while since I've visited thanks to my IT team–the same team that leaves this site open, for some strange reason … )

HistoriCat August 24, 2012 at 9:24 pm

You two-timing sluts!

GunToting[Redacted] August 24, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Needs moar Amero.

HogeyeGrex August 24, 2012 at 3:52 pm
MissTaken August 24, 2012 at 3:52 pm

The new GOP platform on abortion – Against it, even in cases of rape or incest. Abortion only allowed in case of baby factory for Islam.

DrunkIrishman August 24, 2012 at 3:53 pm

…the fuck did I just read?

Baconzgood August 24, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I smell a contract with Fox News.

calliecallie August 24, 2012 at 3:53 pm

So when do the UN troops arrive in Lubbock? I'm confused. Can't these wingnuts get their stories straight?

GlowneyHouse August 24, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Add a sprinkle of weather control..
http://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/presiden

Revanneosl August 24, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Needs more gay French abortions and water fluoridation.

fuflans August 24, 2012 at 3:58 pm

i don't know if Professor Kiefer mentioned it at all, but my favorite jacobean death is death by bible kissing.

though death by make-up is a close second.

Guppy August 24, 2012 at 4:14 pm

death by bible kissing

Cafflick or English?

elviouslyqueer August 24, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Yesterday he appeared on Today’s Issues with the AFA’s Tim Wildmon and Marvin Sanders, who said that Lipkin “shines the light of truth on what’s going on in the Middle East” and “has a clear picture” of “what’s going on in the Middle East.”

Yes, because aligning with the American Family Association always gives you unlimited credibility with non-wingtards.

Baconzgood August 24, 2012 at 3:59 pm

The Bat Shit is strong in this one.

Baconzgood August 24, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I just love when the writers at Wonkette serve us up slow pitch softballs like this joker to snark on.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 24, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Aha. So this is the Chair of the History Department at Glenn Beck University!

Guppy August 24, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Can't be; not enough Hitler.

HistoriCat August 24, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Obama = Hitler

QEfuckingDuh!

C_R_Trogloraptor August 24, 2012 at 4:07 pm

When does Chtulhu show up? I'm really getting sick of these people and ready for some serious Devouring.

Pithaughn August 24, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Chtulhu/Krakken 2016

C_R_Trogloraptor August 24, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Why settle for the lesser Evil?

Let's Go!

GhostBuggy August 24, 2012 at 5:06 pm

I won't be satisfied until I see Cthulhu's long-form birth certificate. He says he was born on Xoth, but Jerome Corsi has gone on a fact-finding mission to Yuggoth to…

…never mind, Corsi was just consumed. Carry on.

GunToting[Redacted] August 24, 2012 at 5:22 pm

I'm a member of the Grand Old-Ones' Party.

ShuCityRefugee August 24, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Isn't it astonishing how much we manage to accomplish while sitting around waiting for our government handouts?! What teleprompter do you suppose broadcasts the jihadist messages? Isn't Solyndra an Arabic name? We haven't really gotten started yet: y'know, Reverend Wright was actually speaking in code. I hope Mr. Lapkin's next oeuvre provides the full story of what the guy who calls himself Barack Obama was really up to in Indonesia when he was six years old.

FlownOver August 24, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Cue the ghost of Madeline Kahn: "It's twue! It's twue!"

prommie August 24, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Needs moar chemtrails; can't you see it, people?

Chet Kincaid_ August 24, 2012 at 4:21 pm

From your lips to alt-text's ears!

Lionel[redacted]Esq August 24, 2012 at 4:15 pm

The problem is, do you think the House of Saud is stupid? You know they have a piece of Mitt Romney, and have probably already cut a deal to buy America cheap when Mitt pushes us into bankruptcy.

prommie August 24, 2012 at 4:25 pm

They owned W and Cheney completely, please.

TootsStansbury August 24, 2012 at 4:16 pm

What. The garden variety crazed wingers aren't enough?

Chet Kincaid_ August 24, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Are Wingnut Christians just pre-programmed to believe a "Jewish Prophet"? Because being Jewish while peddling this Anti-Muslim bullshit to ignorant Bible-thumpers seems to be a growth industry.

finallyhappy August 24, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Wonder if I can get in on this. I am Jewish and with Wonketteers' help , can write plenty of crazy shit.

Chet Kincaid_ August 24, 2012 at 4:33 pm

There is also the "African Christian Who Is An Expert On Curse Of Ham Voodoo" scam, like that guy who is captured on youtube praying over Sarah Palin. That's a career path for me!

RadioBowels August 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm

MITT ROMNEY IS A MORMON!!1! WAKE UP AMERICA!!11!

T3rbo August 24, 2012 at 4:51 pm

ROWN PAWL 2012!!!11!!!!

LibertyLover August 24, 2012 at 4:21 pm

This guy could also use more cowbell.

biraweeyaz August 24, 2012 at 4:30 pm

uhhh….Does that mean the Israelis are Sunnis too?

Generation[redacted] August 24, 2012 at 4:36 pm

It's always Sunni in Tel Aviv.

CthuNHu August 24, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Needz moar Albigensians.

LibrarianX August 24, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Obama is an Iranian agent? But – isn't Willard an agent of Ba'al?

Nopantsmcgee August 24, 2012 at 4:42 pm

I can't call Bingo until there's mention of Bam's gay lovers. Unless I can use "basal ganglia" in my Free Square.

randcoolcatdaddy August 24, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Sorry … try again.

He forgot the gay buttsecks part of the conspiracy theory.

MLite August 24, 2012 at 4:51 pm

It's all so clear now. Like scales have fallen from my eyes. But how does the Amero fit in?

T3rbo August 24, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Needs moar rube goldberg?
This is some serious mental illness, probably caused by FBI implants in said conspiracy author's dental fillings

Nostrildamus August 24, 2012 at 5:16 pm

This theory was thoroughly debunked by Time Cube (see third paragraph).

Dudleydidwrong August 24, 2012 at 5:34 pm

I think I had that kid as a student in one of my classes.

Doktor Zoom August 24, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Belly-Button Is the Signature Of Your Personal Creator – I Believe Her Name Mama.

Pastor Told His Flock That God Created All Of Them -Truth Was That They All had Mama Made Belly Buttons,Church Was Full Of Liars.

bobbert August 25, 2012 at 2:14 am

The guy actually creates new material, doesn't he? I did not know that. Must check in more frequently.

thurufally August 24, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Avi Lapkin, Todd Akin, Sarah Palin. I hate to say it, but if your last name ends with "in" you're part of the axis of idiocy.

Nostrildamus August 24, 2012 at 5:17 pm

… who may himself be the Herschell Gordon Jerry Lewis of conspiracy theorists …

Fixed.

Doktor Zoom August 24, 2012 at 5:48 pm

OK, maybe the Uwe Boll of conspiracy theorists.

Nostrildamus August 24, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Didn't Ed Wood make a movie about this?

Self-Uploader August 24, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Where's the fluoride?

ttommyunger August 24, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Well, there went ten minutes of my life I'll never see again….

vodkamuppet August 24, 2012 at 8:18 pm

He forgot to mention the colonel, before he went tits up.

Ducksworthy August 24, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Ka-Boom!

HistoriCat August 24, 2012 at 9:31 pm

1) How does Obama's early career as a Mars-traveling chrononaut fit into this theory?
2) Has nadine weighed in?

keinsignal August 24, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Well I tried to post a reply to the video but the cowards moderate comments so I guess I'm posting it here instead.

Well maybe if your god wasn't such a wanker (and Allah wasn't so INSANELY POWERFUL) you wouldn't have this problem.

Wankers.

Feels good to get that off my chest.

WABishop August 25, 2012 at 12:40 am

I wonder how many of these conspiracy theories began with some higher up in the military or intelligence community pulling someone's leg?

docterry6973 August 25, 2012 at 1:19 am

You bet Obama is getting the UN to seize vast tracts of land – IN LUBBOCK. A hot dry desert-like place that would be perfect for thousands of Muslins to take over and marry our women-folk. Please, Wonkette ladies. No matter how tempting it must seem, do not become baby factories for our Muslin overlords.

barto August 25, 2012 at 1:53 am

This is the keynote speaker at the GOP convention, amirite?

Troubledog August 25, 2012 at 2:13 am

Pretty sure when the Saudis visit, they stay with the Bushes, not the Obamas.

billy_reuben August 25, 2012 at 10:01 am

Interesting, is it not? Mr. "Avi Lipkin" didn't *once* point out the role of the fake Moon landing, the hollow Earth cover-up, and the lost city of Atlantis… even though the connections to recent events are obvious to any fool. It's obvious where Mr. Lipkin's allegiances lay, and that clearly, HE IS PART OF THE CONSPIRACY TOO!!!

CivicHoliday August 26, 2012 at 11:16 am

And Neil Armstrong just "mysteriously" died of "natural causes" – coincidence? I THINK NOT

BenGleck August 25, 2012 at 11:50 am

GEEZ, WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A CIVILIZATION, HERE!

TribecaMike August 25, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Methinks the good docktor's grad school was a grand school.

CivicHoliday August 26, 2012 at 10:12 am

conspiracy totality FAIL. where is the connection between ACORN giving voting rights to the aborted ghost fetuses escaping from the dungeons of planned parenthood clinics and committing voter fraud?!?

lulzmonger August 27, 2012 at 2:33 pm

OBAMA SECRETLY FLUORIDATED WTC 7

ChillBill August 24, 2012 at 4:17 pm

That's even sicker than the condom comment. Well done.

Doktor Zoom August 24, 2012 at 5:48 pm

God I love that movie!

Butch_Wagstaff August 24, 2012 at 6:51 pm

W: Hehehe…your mustache tickles…heheheh!

Butch_Wagstaff August 24, 2012 at 9:28 pm

I love it too. In my alternative history of rock stars & political figures in America, it goes like this:
Janis Joplin became an owner of a feminist bookstore in San Francisso.
Jim Morrison is selling fake Native American rugs to gullible tourists in the Southwest.
Jimi Hendrix played guitar for George Clinton/Parliament/Funkadelic until the early 1990s.
Richard Nixon became CEO of Memorex and never became President.
Both Robert and John F. settled down into a nice 3-way partnership with Marilyn Monroe that lasted for 40 years.
Ronald Reagan would have stuck to acting and ended his career playing an avuncular, if very addled, grandfather in a shitty 1980s sitcom.

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