The Yecchs Files

Creative Unified Obama Conspiracy Theory Designed to Push All Wingnut Buttons At Once

But what about the Chemtrails, huh?Back in our grad skool Shakespeare class, Professor Kiefer noted that Elizabethan tragedians, keen to keep the groundlings entertained, kept ramping up onstage murders until some plays ended with bodies heaped all over the stage. He linked this to other escalations of sensationalism in popular culture, from the Théâtre du Grand-Guignol to the ever-more baroque car chases and summer-camp slashers of Hollywood exploitation flicks. In all these cases, the lurid action and emotional overkill pile up so high that the productions become more ridiculous than titillating. This inevitably leads us to the Cannibal Holocaust of Obama Conspiracy Theories, as propounded by one Avi Lipkin, who may himself be the Herschell Gordon Lewis of conspiracy theorists. He has concocted a giddy fantasia of paranoia, dubious evidence, and outright bullshit that is brilliantly crafted to zap wingnuts’ basal ganglia into a frenzy of activity.

Take a dash of “Obama is a Muslim” and add in wingnut outrage over Obama bowing to foreign leaders, and … hey, what if Obama isn’t merely a Muslim, what if he’s actually a Saudi agent?? Lipkin thinks he’s found the REAL reason for all the saber-rattling toward Iran:

I think Obama’s a Muslim, he’s a Sunni Muslim on orders from Saudi and the Saudis are afraid to get their heads chopped off by the Shiite Iranians, therefore the Saudis are commanding Obama to terminate the Shiite regime.

Now, a sane person might ask why, if that is the case, Obama’s GOP critics think he’s not nearly nukey enough toward Iran (so does that mean they’re more Saudi-controlled?), but shhh, Lipkin’s on a roll. Say, could Lipkin maybe drag in some birthrism? Sure he could! He has a YouTube video hinting that this Saudi connection explains why Obama has refused to reveal his birth certificate (you know, not the REAL one) “or anything else about his past.”

But what about fears of immigrants? Does Lipkin hit any of those buttons? Why, yes, yes he does, and to make things interesting, he also adds the threat of Sharia law, the “debt crisis,” and the United Nations’ Agenda 21. Basically, Obama’s been fomenting all the Arab Spring uprisings (because probably simple brown people can’t start revolts on their own), and then he’s going to help the UN seize huge tracts of land, and then give them to — ta daa! — the tens of millions of Muslims that the U.S. Government has been flying in to the country for years now. And because Obama’s “Dream Act” will have made all illegal aliens into citizens already, we’ll be powerless to keep all those foreign Muslims from becoming a voting majority. We are down the rabbit’s looking glass and chomping a blue pill in the Twilight Zone here, people!

Oh, and does Lipkin mention anchor babies? BETTER: Lipkin says that the “20 to 30 million Muslims in America” (that are already here and you somehow didn’t notice them) are, of course, stealing our women and breeding like crazy:

What happens after they come here is that they marry Christian women, Jewish and Christian American women and then these women become baby factories for Islam because it’s the religion of the father. So if a Muslim father marries a Christian or Jewish mother the children are going to be Muslim. Then they get passports because they married an American woman and once they get passports they bring in their families from the Middle East…. I’ve been following this for the last thirty years and most Americans can’t believe anything I’m saying but I’m on the cutting edge of this.

Did we mention the national debt? Sure, why not! Lipkin knows what THAT’S all about, too:

You have all those people who talk about the American debt being insolvable, where are you going to get $14 trillion from? The answer is very simple, you don’t think the Saudis have $14 trillion in cash? They’ll give you the cash and they will say “we own you now, we’re going to take over America.” … The problem here is America will surrender its Christianity.

Just in case you had any blank spaces left on your Conspiracy Bingo card, Lipkin knows that, ultimately, this all goes well beyond Obama’s Saudi Puppetmasters to the REAL people in charge:

America has been having its leaders chosen, Democrat or Republican, chosen by the one world government, the Masons, the Illuminati, the Trilateral Commission, whatever you want to call these people, these are people who control the world.

Well-played, sir! We are a bit disappointed that Mr. Lipkin failed to mention HAARP, Lizard people, or Queen Elizabeth, but we suppose he may be holding off some of those for later revelations. Now, if he can just find a way to tie this into the notion that Shakespeare didn’t write Shakespeare’s plays, we will finally feel like we understand this crazy old world.

[Right Wing Watch / Mother Jones]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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  • Come here a minute

    And then they force us all to eat broccoli. The end.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      NO! Not the BROCCOLI!!!

      • Geminisunmars

        Well, if it broccoli with cedar followed by cakes we like, then maybe.

        • elviouslyqueer

          ALL HAM.

        • NellCote71

          Bravissimo/a. I always likes me a good "cakes we like" reference appropriately used.

        • Come here a minute

          Mmmm…cedar cheese. With woody notes.

    • duh_du

      Shhhh…It's not really broccoli.

  • C_R_Trogloraptor

    This Conspiracy Set is clearly incomplete. I see nothing at all regarding the international Communist plot to sap and impurify our Precious Bodily Fluids.

    • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ gogogodzilla

      Women sense my power but I deny them my essence.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Mein Führer! I can walk!

    • angrycrank

      Also, what about the Black Helecopters, FEMA camps, and Obama's gay lovers? Weak.

  • http://www.toastcat.com Fred_Wertham_Jr

    Makes sense to me. I am so fucking high right now.

    • Callyson

      I'll have what Fred's having.

      • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

        I'll take two. This week fucking sucked.

        • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

          I started vacation last Saturday, threw out my back the following Monday, and am being forced to catch up on a week's worth of Wonkette this morning. You fucking people comment too much!

    • C_R_Trogloraptor

      Well, now. I hope you brought enough for everyone!

      • Sir_Fartz_Alot

        Then lets all go on price is right like skateboard rabbi

    • UnholyMoses

      I could have taken four hits of triple-dipped acid, chomped down a quarter pound of shrooms, snorted an eight-ball of coke in one fail swoop, injected three grams of meth, pulled about 30 or so bong hits of chronic, and topped it all off with a gallon of grain alcohol … and STILL not been as incoherent as this guy.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        How did you learn of my plans for the weekend?

  • tihond

    NEEDZ MORE TIME TRAVELIN' VINCENT FOSTER.

    • BarackMyWorld

      True…but really doesn't everything?

  • Antispandex

    Like I said before, Illegal Mexican, Muslim, Liberal. The trifecta of terror!

  • Baconzgood

    How can he type with all that foam from his mouth covering his keyboard?

  • bureaucrap

    The wingnuts weren't upset when W. really WAS the Saudi agent. Why they gettin' all hot'n'bothered now?

    • NellCote71

      Or when Rumsfield was pallin' around with Saddam.

    • Beowoof

      Let me think what could be bumming them out now, you know holding hands with brown skinned guys is not nearly as bad as actually having brown skin.

  • Misty Malarky

    Please, Mitt!

    Mormanize me NOW!

    • LibertyLover

      There's a line. They'll get to you after you are dead though.

    • SpiderCrab

      Careful what you wish for.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I'm sorry, but whatever it is that this Lipkin guy is farting can't be as bad as that. No, Mitt. Not now, not ever.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Mitt Romney=Merkin Muffley. Plus ca change…

  • bumfug

    I can't believe I even noticed this, what with all the time I'm spending on Craig's List checking out apartments in Ecuador and Costa Rica. Fuck this place.

    • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

      Ecuador? I heard Julian Assange needs a roomie.

      • Terry

        Just don't fall asleep around Assange. Make sure you lock him out of your bedroom each night.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          "Oops, I broke another condom in your ass while you were sleeping."

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            "Also, I've already got 10,000,000 hits for your credit report, birth certificate, medical records, academic transcripts and scans of your personal journal from 1987 through yesterday on my RoomiLeaks site."

          • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

            That's even sicker than the condom comment. Well done.

    • finallyhappy

      I know someone who lives in Costa Rica most of the time(no, not Rush!) and loves it. I still haven't made the trip there(the usual tourist one- but maybe to get the lay of the land)

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      I can't believe Kenny Loggins isn't cashing in with the song "Highway to Sharia Zone".

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    He linked this to other escalations of sensationalism in popular culture, from the Théâtre du Grand-Guignol to the ever-more baroque car chases and summer-camp slashers of Hollywood exploitation flicks.

    Snob.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Alan Sokal would like to have a word.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I'm quite intransigenestics on the Sokal affair, its hermeunetics are divisive and wholly ballastible

        • elviouslyqueer

          Sopoforic post-post-structuralist simulacrums now, phenomenological proto-Marxist ideological genderfucked gerunds forever!

          • bobbert

            YOU GUYS CUT THAT OUT!!!

            Or at least throw in some French.

          • Butch_Wagstaff

            I was not sure if should post such a bold comment…but, oh my! Your words are BIG!

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Americans Can't Handle the true birth certificate.

    Seriously, it's written in Arabic. Americans can barely read American words.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    If a muslim man marries a jewish woman, the baby is muslim? Does this prove God is a muslim?

    • Terry

      Since Judaism is supposed to inherit through the mother (I know there is a better way to say that), the kid would be a walking genetic West Bank.

      • finallyhappy

        Matrilineal Descent – unless you are Reform – in which case either parent is ok- if you want the kid to be Jewish.

        • CleverSobriquet

          cause you always know who your mama is

      • bobbert

        Simultaneously Jewish and Muslim. Schroedinger's Religion?

  • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    What, no reverse vampires?!

    • Generation[redacted]

      They'll swoop in with the saucer people while we're busy trying to sort this out.

    • SavageDrummer

      And dinner was my favourite meal too… :(

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      (Deep, constipated drawl) I'm Fred Thompson for Reverse Vampires.

  • Baconzgood

    "most Americans can’t believe anything I’m saying"

    The only truth that has come out of his head hole in years.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Fun fact: according to Republican doctors the head hole squeezes shut when under assault from liberals, and keeps the organism from being impregnated with 'knowledge'.

      • Graham Cracker

        It is a scientific fact that this only happens when one is assaulted with "legitimate" knowledge.

  • BarackMyWorld

    So…Obama was in Dallas in November of '63?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Why? What happened then?

      Oh you mean the "Kennedy assasination"? Well how could he be dead if he's still alive, huh?

      • BarackMyWorld

        Do the math, though…

        Being a small child would be the perfect cover for being around the book depository that day, which doesn't surprise me since his mom would have to be in on the conspiracy as well…

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212
          • Baconzgood
          • Doktor Zoom

            God I love that movie!

          • Butch_Wagstaff

            I love it too. In my alternative history of rock stars & political figures in America, it goes like this:
            Janis Joplin became an owner of a feminist bookstore in San Francisso.
            Jim Morrison is selling fake Native American rugs to gullible tourists in the Southwest.
            Jimi Hendrix played guitar for George Clinton/Parliament/Funkadelic until the early 1990s.
            Richard Nixon became CEO of Memorex and never became President.
            Both Robert and John F. settled down into a nice 3-way partnership with Marilyn Monroe that lasted for 40 years.
            Ronald Reagan would have stuck to acting and ended his career playing an avuncular, if very addled, grandfather in a shitty 1980s sitcom.

          • IonaTrailer

            I spit on my computer screen when I saw that.
            My poor America. This is what happens when you teach your grandmother about the internet.

          • Butch_Wagstaff

            I had forgotten about Mae Brussell and her "archive". These right wing Obama conspiracy theorists are amateurs compared to her.

    • Mittens Howell, III

      .. on the grassy mosque.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Oh, dang. It is too late to change the photo to the Cigarette-Smoking Man.

      Gosh, I wonder if there will be any more crazy rightwing conspiracy stories I could use that with.

    • MissTaken

      Don't be ridiculous. Obama was at the Ford's Theater in April of '65.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I remember reading that. That was when Lincoln was about to unmask John Wilkes Booth as Illuminati.

        • emmelemm

          Was that before or after he killed some vampires?

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Oh, well after. Remember, we beat them in the War Between the Stakes,

    • bobbert

      Dealy Lama LIBEL!!!!

  • facehead

    What a maniac!

    If a conspiracy theory doesn't mention the Denver National Airport, it ain't true.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    How did he miss the Mole People?

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Shakespeare did not write Shakespeare's plays. It was, however, coincidentally, a different author with the same exact name.

  • LibertyLover

    This guy was a guest on Art Bell's Coast to Coast, wasn't he?

  • fartknocker

    So I guess this means when don't need CBP or that danged fence on the U.S./Mexico border? Sweet. This will make it much easier for me to get more customers into my Abortionplex in Nogales, AZ.

  • MacRaith

    So where, exactly, does the impending zombie apocalypse fit into this?

    Oh, wait, I get it, it's this Avi Lipkin guy who's the brain-dead zombie! Now we're talking!

  • metamarcisf

    Where does Nostradamus fit into all of this?

  • docterry6973

    Wait, I see it all now. I am in terrible danger. YOU ARE ALL IN ON IT!!! My God, what can I do? Where did I put that gun…

    Ah, screw it. What time do the Phillies come on?

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    WHAT
    THE
    FUCK?

    • Baconzgood

      'nuf said.

  • Terry

    You know, if ANY American president was under the control of the Saudis, it would have been G.W. Bush. Maybe his father, too.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    I give up, I'm tired of not fitting in any more.

    It's time to strap on a bicycle helmet and just walk around yelling baseball stats at everyone while stuffing twinkies in my mouth.

    • coolhandnuke

      Years back in Baltimore, I came across a street-side prophet wearing a sombrero and a rain poncho who was screaming out "the Mendoza Line, he can't hit above the Mendoza Line, my grandma can hit above the Mendoza Line, goddamn Mendoza Line hitting peanut eating Bucky Fucking Dent looking…"
      To this day, it's still a mystery to me who this crazed dude was talking about–an Oriole? Jimmy Carter? Scott Baio?

      • UnholyMoses

        To this day, it's still a mystery to me who this crazed dude was talking about

        Damn never every Royals' player since George Brett and Bo Jackson left KC … ?

    • http://mwittier.tumblr.com/ mwittier

      I will cover the Twin Cities metropolitan area, only: showercap, vintage cinema trivia, and Little Debbie Swiss cake rolls.

      The Revolution is Now! Barbara Stanwyck's real name is Ruby Stevens! Lord, but this chocolate is waxy!

  • Baconzgood

    JEWS CONTROL THE MEDIA FAIL!!!!!!

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I found a film clip and I think it's Avi Lapkin.. http://videosift.com/video/Firesign-Theater-Gover

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Lipkin is still Waiting for the Electrician. Or someone like him.

  • LibertyLover

    Wait. Where are the pod people?

    • GhostBuggy

      You know, sometimes I think the Invasion of the Body-Snatchers actually happened, and our current society is the result. Sort of like Patton Oswalt's realization that if life was a sci-fi movie about parallel worlds, we're definitely the "evil" universe.

  • Callyson

    Author Avi Lapkin has been making the rounds in churches warning audiences of the nefarious plot, and is frequently cited as a “scholar” by the American Family Association’s news division, OneNewsNow. Yesterday he appeared on Today’s Issues with the AFA’s Tim Wildmon and Marvin Sanders

    I did not know that the AFA was actually a comedy club. Are they going to book Michael Richards and Andrew Dice Clay next?

    • PubOption

      Probably Carlos Mencia. They might even think some of his jokes are funny.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        All Mencia would have to say is: "Beaners!"
        And the crowd just starts laughing their asses off.

  • carlgt1

    yet there was nothing at all fishy with Dumbya holding hands with fat Saudi princes and having "Bandar Bush" and the bin Laden family as close personal friends etc etc….

    • anniegetyerfun

      DIFFERENT BECAUSE BLACK

  • Baconzgood

    My precious bodily fluids are still ok though. Right?

    • LibertyLover

      Actually. The doctor called…

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Tsk tsk, Dok, how could you neglect the batshit of his website and sterling credentials?
    http://www.vicmord.com/index.html
    http://www.vicmord.com/biography.html

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Is he a member of the People's Front for the Liberation of Judea or the Judean People's Front? I get them confuzzed.

    • Boojum

      He wrote a frigging almanac about Islamic threats.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Explain how a Muslim father married to a Jewish woman has Muslim children. Jewishness is transferred through the mother.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      But Muslin is transferred through the father!! There is a 6 Day War in the Uterus, and babby is whatever wins.

      • elviouslyqueer

        So. much. WIN.

      • Veritas78

        The downside is that male Jewish/Muslim babies get circumsized twice.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Now, now…don't bring logic to an insanity fight.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Nuh-uh. It is overpowered by Muslimness, because Muslim genes sneak in and cut the throats of all the Jewish genes in the middle of the night. It is a science fact.

      • midnighttoker69

        SCIENCE??? How dare you bring science into this, sir? The same God that made this world in six days and buried all those dinosaur fossils to fuck with our heads and left the Loch Ness Monster as proof of his creation MADE those children to be Muslims and Jews BOTH!!! How dare you imply that MY Christian God did anything else????

    • Baconzgood

      The Muslim suicide bombs the Jewishness? I'm just spit balling here.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Muslims would tell you that the father's religion dictates how children will be raised. This is why Muslim women cannot marry men outside of Islam, because then their kids would be raised as something else, and we can't have that.

    • CthuNHu

      The baby is halfway between the two, i.e. a Christian.

      Science!

  • C_R_Trogloraptor

    *Picks up Book, blows dust off, opens*

    Let's see…. *flips pages* Hmmmm…Diseases…Locusts…Floods…*flip, flip* Murder of firstborn… flame…Hey, a pillar of salt!

    Nope. Nothing in here about a Plague of violent, frightened, impossibly paranoid, highly propagandized morons.

    That's weird.

    • HogeyeGrex

      It must be in the third part of the trilogy, The Return of the Hydrocephalic Paste-Eaters.

      • C_R_Trogloraptor

        Well, it's either there or in the prequel: The Scumarillion.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      It rained frogs.

      • C_R_Trogloraptor

        I've been through that before and it's really not that bad. All the legs you can eat.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          That's a Friday night around my place.

          • C_R_Trogloraptor

            Hey, you're not the only one!

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Don't laugh. Avi Lapkin just took over Orrin Hatch's speaking slot next week,

  • emmelemm

    I'm just really enjoying the words "basal ganglia".

    • savethispatient

      Sounds like it'd go nicely on an arugula salad, no?

      • James Michael Curley

        A bit stringy.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Damn it all! All my life I've wanted to be a baby factory for Islam, and now I'm almost too old to have children! Why do all the best things pass me by?!

  • Baconzgood

    Jeez. Keep this guy away from the model air-plane glue.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Too late.

    • prommie

      For fucking fuck's sake how many times do I have to say it, "Carbona, not glue!"

  • Grief_Lessons

    Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
    As I foretold you, were all spirits, and
    Are melted into air, into thin air;
    And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
    The cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces,
    The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
    Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve;
    And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
    Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
    As dreams are made on, and our little life
    Is rounded with a sleep.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Don't bring your fancy book learnin' in here, you elitist.

  • elviouslyqueer

    What? No Gays?

    I AM SEVERELY DISAPPOINT.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      It's just all about you, isn't it?

      • elviouslyqueer

        HIS EGO KNOWS NO BOUNDS AND HE IS AN INSUFFERABLE IDIOT THAT WE GET TO REPLACE IN NOVEMBER.

        IOW, yes, obvs.

    • JohnnyQuick

      White Gay Muslim Communist Saudi Agents are bad, but Black Gay Muslim Communist Saudi Agents? Whoo, boy.

    • Nostrildamus

      There, there, dear. Try a little harder next time.

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    I’ve given up seeking a sane GOoPer. I’ll settle for one that remembers to take their meds when they should.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Obama can't be Saudi. I saw his Kenyan birth certificate on Orly Taitz's site.

  • neiltheblaze

    Buttons? I think they're more as G-spots.

  • MissTaken

    Michelle, Barack's co-Muslim-agent, wants you to stop drinking sugary soda and instead drink more water for the fluoride. This is serious.

  • Goonemeritus

    Mr. Lapkin comes off as either naïve or an Obama apologist, how could he fail to point out Reparations, government mandated gay conversion and the forced euthanizing of all SUV owners.

    • CleverSobriquet

      and confiscating your guns

    • Nostrildamus

      The last two sound kinda fun.

  • Calapine

    I really like the "marry christian woman" part, as if somehow women couldn't object to being married or fell for Muslim-charm en masse.

    Ties very nicely into the women-as-passive-object vibe I notice in a lot of right-wingers.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Women can't be trusted to make their own choices!

      Interestingly, this is also the argument that conservative Muslim men make when arguing why Muslim women are disallowed from marrying Christian/Jewish men.

      • Calapine

        Apparently we can't!

        Any male Wonketters willing to play legal guardian? I am confused and need to be told what to think.

        • Dudleydidwrong

          Me! Me! (If you are rich….)

      • LibertyLover

        or driving a car.

  • SavageDrummer

    Not even a hat tip to fluoride in the water? I am disappoint…

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    No sasquatch, no Federal Reserve, no MexiCanadian highway, and nothing about what happened to the USS Thresher, and this dumbshit thinks he's got all the bases covered? Fuckin' n00b.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, Sasquatch Isreal, so…

      • UnholyMoses

        Think that's an inside joke at the Other Place we frequent.

        (I'm "Mark M" over at S, N! Industries, though been a while since I've visited thanks to my IT team–the same team that leaves this site open, for some strange reason … )

        • HistoriCat

          You two-timing sluts!

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Needs moar Amero.

  • HogeyeGrex
  • MissTaken

    The new GOP platform on abortion – Against it, even in cases of rape or incest. Abortion only allowed in case of baby factory for Islam.

  • DrunkIrishman

    …the fuck did I just read?

  • Baconzgood

    I smell a contract with Fox News.

  • calliecallie

    So when do the UN troops arrive in Lubbock? I'm confused. Can't these wingnuts get their stories straight?

  • GlowneyHouse

    Add a sprinkle of weather control..
    http://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/presiden

  • Revanneosl

    Needs more gay French abortions and water fluoridation.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    i don't know if Professor Kiefer mentioned it at all, but my favorite jacobean death is death by bible kissing.

    though death by make-up is a close second.

    • Guppy

      death by bible kissing

      Cafflick or English?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Yesterday he appeared on Today’s Issues with the AFA’s Tim Wildmon and Marvin Sanders, who said that Lipkin “shines the light of truth on what’s going on in the Middle East” and “has a clear picture” of “what’s going on in the Middle East.”

    Yes, because aligning with the American Family Association always gives you unlimited credibility with non-wingtards.

  • Baconzgood

    The Bat Shit is strong in this one.

  • Baconzgood

    I just love when the writers at Wonkette serve us up slow pitch softballs like this joker to snark on.

  • C_R_Trogloraptor

    Aha. So this is the Chair of the History Department at Glenn Beck University!

    • Guppy

      Can't be; not enough Hitler.

      • HistoriCat

        Obama = Hitler

        QEfuckingDuh!

  • C_R_Trogloraptor

    When does Chtulhu show up? I'm really getting sick of these people and ready for some serious Devouring.

    • Pithaughn

      Chtulhu/Krakken 2016

      • C_R_Trogloraptor

        Why settle for the lesser Evil?

        Let's Go!

    • GhostBuggy

      I won't be satisfied until I see Cthulhu's long-form birth certificate. He says he was born on Xoth, but Jerome Corsi has gone on a fact-finding mission to Yuggoth to…

      …never mind, Corsi was just consumed. Carry on.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      I'm a member of the Grand Old-Ones' Party.

  • ShuCityRefugee

    Isn't it astonishing how much we manage to accomplish while sitting around waiting for our government handouts?! What teleprompter do you suppose broadcasts the jihadist messages? Isn't Solyndra an Arabic name? We haven't really gotten started yet: y'know, Reverend Wright was actually speaking in code. I hope Mr. Lapkin's next oeuvre provides the full story of what the guy who calls himself Barack Obama was really up to in Indonesia when he was six years old.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Cue the ghost of Madeline Kahn: "It's twue! It's twue!"

  • prommie

    Needs moar chemtrails; can't you see it, people?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      From your lips to alt-text's ears!

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The problem is, do you think the House of Saud is stupid? You know they have a piece of Mitt Romney, and have probably already cut a deal to buy America cheap when Mitt pushes us into bankruptcy.

    • prommie

      They owned W and Cheney completely, please.

  • TootsStansbury

    What. The garden variety crazed wingers aren't enough?

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Are Wingnut Christians just pre-programmed to believe a "Jewish Prophet"? Because being Jewish while peddling this Anti-Muslim bullshit to ignorant Bible-thumpers seems to be a growth industry.

    • finallyhappy

      Wonder if I can get in on this. I am Jewish and with Wonketteers' help , can write plenty of crazy shit.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        There is also the "African Christian Who Is An Expert On Curse Of Ham Voodoo" scam, like that guy who is captured on youtube praying over Sarah Palin. That's a career path for me!

  • RadioBowels

    MITT ROMNEY IS A MORMON!!1! WAKE UP AMERICA!!11!

    • T3rbo

      ROWN PAWL 2012!!!11!!!!

  • LibertyLover

    This guy could also use more cowbell.

  • biraweeyaz

    uhhh….Does that mean the Israelis are Sunnis too?

    • Generation[redacted]

      It's always Sunni in Tel Aviv.

  • CthuNHu

    Needz moar Albigensians.

  • LibrarianX

    Obama is an Iranian agent? But – isn't Willard an agent of Ba'al?

  • Nopantsmcgee

    I can't call Bingo until there's mention of Bam's gay lovers. Unless I can use "basal ganglia" in my Free Square.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Sorry … try again.

    He forgot the gay buttsecks part of the conspiracy theory.

  • MLite

    It's all so clear now. Like scales have fallen from my eyes. But how does the Amero fit in?

  • T3rbo

    Needs moar rube goldberg?
    This is some serious mental illness, probably caused by FBI implants in said conspiracy author's dental fillings

  • Nostrildamus

    This theory was thoroughly debunked by Time Cube (see third paragraph).

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I think I had that kid as a student in one of my classes.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Belly-Button Is the Signature Of Your Personal Creator – I Believe Her Name Mama.

      Pastor Told His Flock That God Created All Of Them -Truth Was That They All had Mama Made Belly Buttons,Church Was Full Of Liars.

    • bobbert

      The guy actually creates new material, doesn't he? I did not know that. Must check in more frequently.

  • thurufally

    Avi Lapkin, Todd Akin, Sarah Palin. I hate to say it, but if your last name ends with "in" you're part of the axis of idiocy.

  • Nostrildamus

    … who may himself be the Herschell Gordon Jerry Lewis of conspiracy theorists …

    Fixed.

    • Doktor Zoom

      OK, maybe the Uwe Boll of conspiracy theorists.

  • Nostrildamus

    Didn't Ed Wood make a movie about this?

  • http://www.marionstein.net Self-Uploader

    Where's the fluoride?

  • ttommyunger

    Well, there went ten minutes of my life I'll never see again….

  • vodkamuppet

    He forgot to mention the colonel, before he went tits up.

  • Ducksworthy

    Ka-Boom!

  • HistoriCat

    1) How does Obama's early career as a Mars-traveling chrononaut fit into this theory?
    2) Has nadine weighed in?

  • keinsignal

    Well I tried to post a reply to the video but the cowards moderate comments so I guess I'm posting it here instead.

    Well maybe if your god wasn't such a wanker (and Allah wasn't so INSANELY POWERFUL) you wouldn't have this problem.

    Wankers.

    Feels good to get that off my chest.

  • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

    I wonder how many of these conspiracy theories began with some higher up in the military or intelligence community pulling someone's leg?

  • docterry6973

    You bet Obama is getting the UN to seize vast tracts of land – IN LUBBOCK. A hot dry desert-like place that would be perfect for thousands of Muslins to take over and marry our women-folk. Please, Wonkette ladies. No matter how tempting it must seem, do not become baby factories for our Muslin overlords.

  • barto

    This is the keynote speaker at the GOP convention, amirite?

  • Troubledog

    Pretty sure when the Saudis visit, they stay with the Bushes, not the Obamas.

  • billy_reuben

    Interesting, is it not? Mr. "Avi Lipkin" didn't *once* point out the role of the fake Moon landing, the hollow Earth cover-up, and the lost city of Atlantis… even though the connections to recent events are obvious to any fool. It's obvious where Mr. Lipkin's allegiances lay, and that clearly, HE IS PART OF THE CONSPIRACY TOO!!!

    • CivicHoliday

      And Neil Armstrong just "mysteriously" died of "natural causes" – coincidence? I THINK NOT

  • BenGleck

    GEEZ, WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A CIVILIZATION, HERE!

  • TribecaMike

    Methinks the good docktor's grad school was a grand school.

  • CivicHoliday

    conspiracy totality FAIL. where is the connection between ACORN giving voting rights to the aborted ghost fetuses escaping from the dungeons of planned parenthood clinics and committing voter fraud?!?

  • lulzmonger

    OBAMA SECRETLY FLUORIDATED WTC 7

  • Butch_Wagstaff

    W: Hehehe…your mustache tickles…heheheh!