The Yecchs Files

Creative Unified Obama Conspiracy Theory Designed to Push All Wingnut Buttons At Once

But what about the Chemtrails, huh?Back in our grad skool Shakespeare class, Professor Kiefer noted that Elizabethan tragedians, keen to keep the groundlings entertained, kept ramping up onstage murders until some plays ended with bodies heaped all over the stage. He linked this to other escalations of sensationalism in popular culture, from the Théâtre du Grand-Guignol to the ever-more baroque car chases and summer-camp slashers of Hollywood exploitation flicks. In all these cases, the lurid action and emotional overkill pile up so high that the productions become more ridiculous than titillating. This inevitably leads us to the Cannibal Holocaust of Obama Conspiracy Theories, as propounded by one Avi Lipkin, who may himself be the Herschell Gordon Lewis of conspiracy theorists. He has concocted a giddy fantasia of paranoia, dubious evidence, and outright bullshit that is brilliantly crafted to zap wingnuts’ basal ganglia into a frenzy of activity.

Take a dash of “Obama is a Muslim” and add in wingnut outrage over Obama bowing to foreign leaders, and … hey, what if Obama isn’t merely a Muslim, what if he’s actually a Saudi agent?? Lipkin thinks he’s found the REAL reason for all the saber-rattling toward Iran:

I think Obama’s a Muslim, he’s a Sunni Muslim on orders from Saudi and the Saudis are afraid to get their heads chopped off by the Shiite Iranians, therefore the Saudis are commanding Obama to terminate the Shiite regime.

Now, a sane person might ask why, if that is the case, Obama’s GOP critics think he’s not nearly nukey enough toward Iran (so does that mean they’re more Saudi-controlled?), but shhh, Lipkin’s on a roll. Say, could Lipkin maybe drag in some birthrism? Sure he could! He has a YouTube video hinting that this Saudi connection explains why Obama has refused to reveal his birth certificate (you know, not the REAL one) “or anything else about his past.”

But what about fears of immigrants? Does Lipkin hit any of those buttons? Why, yes, yes he does, and to make things interesting, he also adds the threat of Sharia law, the “debt crisis,” and the United Nations’ Agenda 21. Basically, Obama’s been fomenting all the Arab Spring uprisings (because probably simple brown people can’t start revolts on their own), and then he’s going to help the UN seize huge tracts of land, and then give them to — ta daa! — the tens of millions of Muslims that the U.S. Government has been flying in to the country for years now. And because Obama’s “Dream Act” will have made all illegal aliens into citizens already, we’ll be powerless to keep all those foreign Muslims from becoming a voting majority. We are down the rabbit’s looking glass and chomping a blue pill in the Twilight Zone here, people!

Oh, and does Lipkin mention anchor babies? BETTER: Lipkin says that the “20 to 30 million Muslims in America” (that are already here and you somehow didn’t notice them) are, of course, stealing our women and breeding like crazy:

What happens after they come here is that they marry Christian women, Jewish and Christian American women and then these women become baby factories for Islam because it’s the religion of the father. So if a Muslim father marries a Christian or Jewish mother the children are going to be Muslim. Then they get passports because they married an American woman and once they get passports they bring in their families from the Middle East…. I’ve been following this for the last thirty years and most Americans can’t believe anything I’m saying but I’m on the cutting edge of this.

Did we mention the national debt? Sure, why not! Lipkin knows what THAT’S all about, too:

You have all those people who talk about the American debt being insolvable, where are you going to get $14 trillion from? The answer is very simple, you don’t think the Saudis have $14 trillion in cash? They’ll give you the cash and they will say “we own you now, we’re going to take over America.” … The problem here is America will surrender its Christianity.

Just in case you had any blank spaces left on your Conspiracy Bingo card, Lipkin knows that, ultimately, this all goes well beyond Obama’s Saudi Puppetmasters to the REAL people in charge:

America has been having its leaders chosen, Democrat or Republican, chosen by the one world government, the Masons, the Illuminati, the Trilateral Commission, whatever you want to call these people, these are people who control the world.

Well-played, sir! We are a bit disappointed that Mr. Lipkin failed to mention HAARP, Lizard people, or Queen Elizabeth, but we suppose he may be holding off some of those for later revelations. Now, if he can just find a way to tie this into the notion that Shakespeare didn’t write Shakespeare’s plays, we will finally feel like we understand this crazy old world.

[Right Wing Watch / Mother Jones]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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  1. C_R_Trogloraptor

    This Conspiracy Set is clearly incomplete. I see nothing at all regarding the international Communist plot to sap and impurify our Precious Bodily Fluids.

        1. natoslug

          I started vacation last Saturday, threw out my back the following Monday, and am being forced to catch up on a week's worth of Wonkette this morning. You fucking people comment too much!

    1. UnholyMoses

      I could have taken four hits of triple-dipped acid, chomped down a quarter pound of shrooms, snorted an eight-ball of coke in one fail swoop, injected three grams of meth, pulled about 30 or so bong hits of chronic, and topped it all off with a gallon of grain alcohol … and STILL not been as incoherent as this guy.

  2. bureaucrap

    The wingnuts weren't upset when W. really WAS the Saudi agent. Why they gettin' all hot'n'bothered now?

    1. Beowoof

      Let me think what could be bumming them out now, you know holding hands with brown skinned guys is not nearly as bad as actually having brown skin.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      I'm sorry, but whatever it is that this Lipkin guy is farting can't be as bad as that. No, Mitt. Not now, not ever.

  3. bumfug

    I can't believe I even noticed this, what with all the time I'm spending on Craig's List checking out apartments in Ecuador and Costa Rica. Fuck this place.

          1. Chet Kincaid_

            "Also, I've already got 10,000,000 hits for your credit report, birth certificate, medical records, academic transcripts and scans of your personal journal from 1987 through yesterday on my RoomiLeaks site."

    1. finallyhappy

      I know someone who lives in Costa Rica most of the time(no, not Rush!) and loves it. I still haven't made the trip there(the usual tourist one- but maybe to get the lay of the land)

    2. BoatOfVelociraptors

      I can't believe Kenny Loggins isn't cashing in with the song "Highway to Sharia Zone".

  4. actor212

    He linked this to other escalations of sensationalism in popular culture, from the Théâtre du Grand-Guignol to the ever-more baroque car chases and summer-camp slashers of Hollywood exploitation flicks.


        1. elviouslyqueer

          Sopoforic post-post-structuralist simulacrums now, phenomenological proto-Marxist ideological genderfucked gerunds forever!

  5. Mittens Howell, III

    Americans Can't Handle the true birth certificate.

    Seriously, it's written in Arabic. Americans can barely read American words.

    1. Terry

      Since Judaism is supposed to inherit through the mother (I know there is a better way to say that), the kid would be a walking genetic West Bank.

      1. finallyhappy

        Matrilineal Descent – unless you are Reform – in which case either parent is ok- if you want the kid to be Jewish.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      They'll swoop in with the saucer people while we're busy trying to sort this out.

  6. Baconzgood

    "most Americans can’t believe anything I’m saying"

    The only truth that has come out of his head hole in years.

    1. Mittens Howell, III

      Fun fact: according to Republican doctors the head hole squeezes shut when under assault from liberals, and keeps the organism from being impregnated with 'knowledge'.

      1. Graham Cracker

        It is a scientific fact that this only happens when one is assaulted with "legitimate" knowledge.

      1. BarackMyWorld

        Do the math, though…

        Being a small child would be the perfect cover for being around the book depository that day, which doesn't surprise me since his mom would have to be in on the conspiracy as well…

          1. Butch_Wagstaff

            I love it too. In my alternative history of rock stars & political figures in America, it goes like this:
            Janis Joplin became an owner of a feminist bookstore in San Francisso.
            Jim Morrison is selling fake Native American rugs to gullible tourists in the Southwest.
            Jimi Hendrix played guitar for George Clinton/Parliament/Funkadelic until the early 1990s.
            Richard Nixon became CEO of Memorex and never became President.
            Both Robert and John F. settled down into a nice 3-way partnership with Marilyn Monroe that lasted for 40 years.
            Ronald Reagan would have stuck to acting and ended his career playing an avuncular, if very addled, grandfather in a shitty 1980s sitcom.

          2. IonaTrailer

            I spit on my computer screen when I saw that.
            My poor America. This is what happens when you teach your grandmother about the internet.

          3. Butch_Wagstaff

            I had forgotten about Mae Brussell and her "archive". These right wing Obama conspiracy theorists are amateurs compared to her.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Oh, dang. It is too late to change the photo to the Cigarette-Smoking Man.

      Gosh, I wonder if there will be any more crazy rightwing conspiracy stories I could use that with.

  7. facehead

    What a maniac!

    If a conspiracy theory doesn't mention the Denver National Airport, it ain't true.

  8. fartknocker

    So I guess this means when don't need CBP or that danged fence on the U.S./Mexico border? Sweet. This will make it much easier for me to get more customers into my Abortionplex in Nogales, AZ.

  9. MacRaith

    So where, exactly, does the impending zombie apocalypse fit into this?

    Oh, wait, I get it, it's this Avi Lipkin guy who's the brain-dead zombie! Now we're talking!

  10. docterry6973

    Wait, I see it all now. I am in terrible danger. YOU ARE ALL IN ON IT!!! My God, what can I do? Where did I put that gun…

    Ah, screw it. What time do the Phillies come on?

  11. Terry

    You know, if ANY American president was under the control of the Saudis, it would have been G.W. Bush. Maybe his father, too.

  12. Mittens Howell, III

    I give up, I'm tired of not fitting in any more.

    It's time to strap on a bicycle helmet and just walk around yelling baseball stats at everyone while stuffing twinkies in my mouth.

    1. coolhandnuke

      Years back in Baltimore, I came across a street-side prophet wearing a sombrero and a rain poncho who was screaming out "the Mendoza Line, he can't hit above the Mendoza Line, my grandma can hit above the Mendoza Line, goddamn Mendoza Line hitting peanut eating Bucky Fucking Dent looking…"
      To this day, it's still a mystery to me who this crazed dude was talking about–an Oriole? Jimmy Carter? Scott Baio?

      1. UnholyMoses

        To this day, it's still a mystery to me who this crazed dude was talking about

        Damn never every Royals' player since George Brett and Bo Jackson left KC … ?

    2. mwittier

      I will cover the Twin Cities metropolitan area, only: showercap, vintage cinema trivia, and Little Debbie Swiss cake rolls.

      The Revolution is Now! Barbara Stanwyck's real name is Ruby Stevens! Lord, but this chocolate is waxy!

    1. GhostBuggy

      You know, sometimes I think the Invasion of the Body-Snatchers actually happened, and our current society is the result. Sort of like Patton Oswalt's realization that if life was a sci-fi movie about parallel worlds, we're definitely the "evil" universe.

  13. Callyson

    Author Avi Lapkin has been making the rounds in churches warning audiences of the nefarious plot, and is frequently cited as a “scholar” by the American Family Association’s news division, OneNewsNow. Yesterday he appeared on Today’s Issues with the AFA’s Tim Wildmon and Marvin Sanders

    I did not know that the AFA was actually a comedy club. Are they going to book Michael Richards and Andrew Dice Clay next?

      1. Butch_Wagstaff

        All Mencia would have to say is: "Beaners!"
        And the crowd just starts laughing their asses off.

  14. carlgt1

    yet there was nothing at all fishy with Dumbya holding hands with fat Saudi princes and having "Bandar Bush" and the bin Laden family as close personal friends etc etc….

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Is he a member of the People's Front for the Liberation of Judea or the Judean People's Front? I get them confuzzed.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Nuh-uh. It is overpowered by Muslimness, because Muslim genes sneak in and cut the throats of all the Jewish genes in the middle of the night. It is a science fact.

      1. midnighttoker69

        SCIENCE??? How dare you bring science into this, sir? The same God that made this world in six days and buried all those dinosaur fossils to fuck with our heads and left the Loch Ness Monster as proof of his creation MADE those children to be Muslims and Jews BOTH!!! How dare you imply that MY Christian God did anything else????

    2. anniegetyerfun

      Muslims would tell you that the father's religion dictates how children will be raised. This is why Muslim women cannot marry men outside of Islam, because then their kids would be raised as something else, and we can't have that.

  15. C_R_Trogloraptor

    *Picks up Book, blows dust off, opens*

    Let's see…. *flips pages* Hmmmm…Diseases…Locusts…Floods…*flip, flip* Murder of firstborn… flame…Hey, a pillar of salt!

    Nope. Nothing in here about a Plague of violent, frightened, impossibly paranoid, highly propagandized morons.

    That's weird.

      1. C_R_Trogloraptor

        I've been through that before and it's really not that bad. All the legs you can eat.

  16. Dr_Zoidberg

    Damn it all! All my life I've wanted to be a baby factory for Islam, and now I'm almost too old to have children! Why do all the best things pass me by?!

  17. Grief_Lessons

    Our revels now are ended. These our actors,
    As I foretold you, were all spirits, and
    Are melted into air, into thin air;
    And, like the baseless fabric of this vision,
    The cloud-capped towers, the gorgeous palaces,
    The solemn temples, the great globe itself,
    Yea, all which it inherit, shall dissolve;
    And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,
    Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff
    As dreams are made on, and our little life
    Is rounded with a sleep.

      1. elviouslyqueer


        IOW, yes, obvs.

    1. JohnnyQuick

      White Gay Muslim Communist Saudi Agents are bad, but Black Gay Muslim Communist Saudi Agents? Whoo, boy.

  18. MissTaken

    Michelle, Barack's co-Muslim-agent, wants you to stop drinking sugary soda and instead drink more water for the fluoride. This is serious.

  19. Goonemeritus

    Mr. Lapkin comes off as either naïve or an Obama apologist, how could he fail to point out Reparations, government mandated gay conversion and the forced euthanizing of all SUV owners.

  20. Calapine

    I really like the "marry christian woman" part, as if somehow women couldn't object to being married or fell for Muslim-charm en masse.

    Ties very nicely into the women-as-passive-object vibe I notice in a lot of right-wingers.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Women can't be trusted to make their own choices!

      Interestingly, this is also the argument that conservative Muslim men make when arguing why Muslim women are disallowed from marrying Christian/Jewish men.

      1. Calapine

        Apparently we can't!

        Any male Wonketters willing to play legal guardian? I am confused and need to be told what to think.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    No sasquatch, no Federal Reserve, no MexiCanadian highway, and nothing about what happened to the USS Thresher, and this dumbshit thinks he's got all the bases covered? Fuckin' n00b.

      1. UnholyMoses

        Think that's an inside joke at the Other Place we frequent.

        (I'm "Mark M" over at S, N! Industries, though been a while since I've visited thanks to my IT team–the same team that leaves this site open, for some strange reason … )

  22. MissTaken

    The new GOP platform on abortion – Against it, even in cases of rape or incest. Abortion only allowed in case of baby factory for Islam.

  23. calliecallie

    So when do the UN troops arrive in Lubbock? I'm confused. Can't these wingnuts get their stories straight?

  24. fuflans

    i don't know if Professor Kiefer mentioned it at all, but my favorite jacobean death is death by bible kissing.

    though death by make-up is a close second.

  25. elviouslyqueer

    Yesterday he appeared on Today’s Issues with the AFA’s Tim Wildmon and Marvin Sanders, who said that Lipkin “shines the light of truth on what’s going on in the Middle East” and “has a clear picture” of “what’s going on in the Middle East.”

    Yes, because aligning with the American Family Association always gives you unlimited credibility with non-wingtards.

  26. Baconzgood

    I just love when the writers at Wonkette serve us up slow pitch softballs like this joker to snark on.

  27. C_R_Trogloraptor

    When does Chtulhu show up? I'm really getting sick of these people and ready for some serious Devouring.

    1. GhostBuggy

      I won't be satisfied until I see Cthulhu's long-form birth certificate. He says he was born on Xoth, but Jerome Corsi has gone on a fact-finding mission to Yuggoth to…

      …never mind, Corsi was just consumed. Carry on.

  28. ShuCityRefugee

    Isn't it astonishing how much we manage to accomplish while sitting around waiting for our government handouts?! What teleprompter do you suppose broadcasts the jihadist messages? Isn't Solyndra an Arabic name? We haven't really gotten started yet: y'know, Reverend Wright was actually speaking in code. I hope Mr. Lapkin's next oeuvre provides the full story of what the guy who calls himself Barack Obama was really up to in Indonesia when he was six years old.

  29. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The problem is, do you think the House of Saud is stupid? You know they have a piece of Mitt Romney, and have probably already cut a deal to buy America cheap when Mitt pushes us into bankruptcy.

  30. Chet Kincaid_

    Are Wingnut Christians just pre-programmed to believe a "Jewish Prophet"? Because being Jewish while peddling this Anti-Muslim bullshit to ignorant Bible-thumpers seems to be a growth industry.

    1. finallyhappy

      Wonder if I can get in on this. I am Jewish and with Wonketteers' help , can write plenty of crazy shit.

      1. Chet Kincaid_

        There is also the "African Christian Who Is An Expert On Curse Of Ham Voodoo" scam, like that guy who is captured on youtube praying over Sarah Palin. That's a career path for me!

  31. Nopantsmcgee

    I can't call Bingo until there's mention of Bam's gay lovers. Unless I can use "basal ganglia" in my Free Square.

  32. T3rbo

    Needs moar rube goldberg?
    This is some serious mental illness, probably caused by FBI implants in said conspiracy author's dental fillings

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Belly-Button Is the Signature Of Your Personal Creator – I Believe Her Name Mama.

      Pastor Told His Flock That God Created All Of Them -Truth Was That They All had Mama Made Belly Buttons,Church Was Full Of Liars.

    2. bobbert

      The guy actually creates new material, doesn't he? I did not know that. Must check in more frequently.

  33. thurufally

    Avi Lapkin, Todd Akin, Sarah Palin. I hate to say it, but if your last name ends with "in" you're part of the axis of idiocy.

  34. Nostrildamus

    … who may himself be the Herschell Gordon Jerry Lewis of conspiracy theorists …


  35. HistoriCat

    1) How does Obama's early career as a Mars-traveling chrononaut fit into this theory?
    2) Has nadine weighed in?

  36. keinsignal

    Well I tried to post a reply to the video but the cowards moderate comments so I guess I'm posting it here instead.

    Well maybe if your god wasn't such a wanker (and Allah wasn't so INSANELY POWERFUL) you wouldn't have this problem.


    Feels good to get that off my chest.

  37. WABishop

    I wonder how many of these conspiracy theories began with some higher up in the military or intelligence community pulling someone's leg?

  38. docterry6973

    You bet Obama is getting the UN to seize vast tracts of land – IN LUBBOCK. A hot dry desert-like place that would be perfect for thousands of Muslins to take over and marry our women-folk. Please, Wonkette ladies. No matter how tempting it must seem, do not become baby factories for our Muslin overlords.

  39. billy_reuben

    Interesting, is it not? Mr. "Avi Lipkin" didn't *once* point out the role of the fake Moon landing, the hollow Earth cover-up, and the lost city of Atlantis… even though the connections to recent events are obvious to any fool. It's obvious where Mr. Lipkin's allegiances lay, and that clearly, HE IS PART OF THE CONSPIRACY TOO!!!

  40. CivicHoliday

    conspiracy totality FAIL. where is the connection between ACORN giving voting rights to the aborted ghost fetuses escaping from the dungeons of planned parenthood clinics and committing voter fraud?!?

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