GOD DAMN AMERICA  10:35 am August 23, 2012

Tampa Totally Going To Cancel Republican Convention Just Because Of Tiny Little Act Of God

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

typical

Hi what’s this, that maybe-hurricane from yesterday is now probably an absolutely hurricane, which will hit Tampa Monday morning, and the city, which is run by total pussy Dems (see above), may cancel the Republican Convention! Stop laughing at the Republicans getting hit with two conventiocanes in a row, and start worrying about your Editrix, who is supposed to fly into Tampa at just exactly the same time Tropical Storm Isaac is expected to transform into a Category 1 hurricane and bomb the convention center to smithereens! Your Editrix is from California. SHE DOES NOT LIKE HURRICANES, she only likes fires and earthquakes! Oh, just treat it like a water earthquake, some brain surgeon who shall remain nameless assures us. That does not sound right!

Emergency plans are in place to shorten or cancel the convention if a hurricane appears to be bearing down on Tampa, city and convention officials said.

But officials declined to divulge the details of those plans and say they expect the convention will go on as scheduled.

“We’re in full RNC mode and focused on putting a great show for the convention,” Mayor Bob Buckhorn said. “We are not anticipating having to make the decision” of canceling the GOP convention. [...]

The main site of the convention is the Forum, which sits in the county’s evacuation Zone B. That designation means an evacuation will be issued if winds reach 96 to 110 mph and tides swell to a height of 15 feet.

Next door is the Tampa Convention Center, which will house the GOP’s committee on arrangements and the media. The building is in Zone A, which could be evacuated when winds reach 74 to 95 mph and tides crest up to eight feet. [...]

State emergency officials conducted a mock drill in March. That scenario had a Category 3 hurricane making landfall in Tarpon Springs on the second day of the convention. The simulation showed massive storm surges crashing into Tampa, putting parts of the city under 20 feet of water.

During the drill, Lt. Gov. Jennifer Carroll said if this scenario was real, downtown Tampa would be evacuated and the convention canceled.

So we just pack an umbrella, and we should be fine, right?

Fucking Republicans.

[TampaBayOnline]

 
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{ 216 comments }

ChernobylSoup August 23, 2012 at 10:37 am

God's making it too easy.

Editrix: All gave some, some gave all. Thank you for your sacrifice.

Oblios_Cap August 23, 2012 at 10:51 am

The word "heroine" isn't used nearly enough these days.

Heroin isn't used nearly enough, period.

eggsacklywright August 23, 2012 at 11:23 am

I'm thinking that when I finally get the big C, some nice heroin would be nice.

Harrison Wintergreen August 23, 2012 at 11:42 am

Too right. An apposite quote from Little Miss Sunshine:

Grandpa Hoover: Let me tell ya, don't do [drugs]. When you're young, you're crazy to do that shit.
Frank: Well what about you?
Grandpa: What about me? I'm old. When you're old you're crazy not to do it.

Mittens Howell, III August 23, 2012 at 10:38 am

Pat Robertson: "God was mad that Joe Biden visited Tampa."

Boredw/Gravitas August 23, 2012 at 10:57 am

Why doesn't old Pat just pray the hurricane away?

Mittens Howell, III August 23, 2012 at 10:38 am

That'll have them shaking in their rentboys.

YasserArraFeck August 23, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Positively wriggling with terror

Allmighty_Manos August 23, 2012 at 10:38 am

Bad news for rent boys and Tampa-area bathhouses.

Barb_ August 23, 2012 at 10:39 am

Rebecca, if you are going to go looting, could you pick me up some of those Tide all-in-one laundry packs. The big package would be best. Those things are expensive. Oh, and pick something nice out for yourself, my treat.

ChernobylSoup August 23, 2012 at 10:39 am

She will be "gathering supplies." Others loot.

Terry August 23, 2012 at 10:50 am

Remember the Fox News definitions of those two terms?

"gathering supplies" = done by white people

"looting" = done by minorities

Incitefully_Joe August 23, 2012 at 11:21 am

See also:

"crazed lone wolf whose motives will never be known" = done by white people

"terrorism" = done by minorities.

Jus_Wonderin August 23, 2012 at 10:48 am

I'd like an LG Front Load Washer and Dryer. I know they can be a bit bulky but really, I need them. Barb, could I test one fo those laundry packs?

elviouslyqueer August 23, 2012 at 10:50 am

I'm glad you said that, Barb. I'd like to place my order for a Panasonic TC-P5ST50 flat screen TV, preferably one that's at least 55 inches. Oh, and pick up a compatible DVR as well, because mine is shot.

Incitefully_Joe August 23, 2012 at 10:52 am

Also, while you're out, can you pick up some cedar cheese and those cakes we like?

Lascauxcaveman August 23, 2012 at 11:33 am

Goodness you people! So selfish, dumping all your shopping on on poor Becky.

I'm going to help you out, Rebecca. All I need you to get me is any decent late model GMC 1-ton truck with a dump bed, and you can use that to haul everyone elses goodies home in it.

HistoriCat August 23, 2012 at 1:49 pm

You people are all amateurs. That heavy stuff will just weigh you down. You want to get it? Fine – but wait until you've scooped up the beer. That will keep you hydrated and entertained!

Guppy August 23, 2012 at 10:15 pm

That's why you grab a shopping cart first.

kittensdontlie August 23, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Remember, don't let felonious crimes compromise your style. A nice little black dress with a head scarf and sash, will be perfect for night time pillaging throughout a dark city. Daytime, I would choose a white satin burqa–slippery to the grasp, and with a Muslin style that says 'yea, I love plundering'.

Mittens Howell, III August 23, 2012 at 10:39 am

I may come to believe in god sometime between now and wednesday

comrad_darkness August 23, 2012 at 11:09 am

That was His evil plan all along.

kittensdontlie August 23, 2012 at 12:28 pm

"Rainy day christian conversions always gets Satan down…"—The Carpenters?

SorosBot August 23, 2012 at 10:40 am

Don't remind me of those fucking earthquakes! Hurricanes are simple and easy to deal with; but in an earthquake, the fucking ground moves. It's insane. And I'm moving out to California soon, which has those horrible, horrible things; fuck I'll have to deal with the fucking ground shaking.

Oblios_Cap August 23, 2012 at 10:52 am

I hope that you like your matinis shaken, not stirred.

TheLifeSilica August 23, 2012 at 10:53 am

Felt one out here in the Middle East once. Discovered they made me motion sick. NOT COOL TECTONIC PLATES. NOT COOL AT ALL.

ChillBill August 23, 2012 at 11:02 am

The California smugness, that's what you should be worried about.

comrad_darkness August 23, 2012 at 11:07 am

Do no live on former landfill. Find some hilly ground to live on, but not too hilly.

Oh, and keep a weeks worth of water and nutritional bars as well as be certain you know how to turn off the gas line to the house.

Tarps, extra large bandages and antibiotic cream and extra prescription meds as well as some extra cash, are optional, but probably not a bad idea.

Oblios_Cap August 23, 2012 at 11:17 am

I'd add some non-perscriptin meds to the list. *nudge, nudge*, * wink, wink*

Stevola August 23, 2012 at 11:19 am

What is extra cash? And where can I buy some?

MissTaken August 23, 2012 at 12:25 pm

For real: my company here in SF gives all the employees two American Red Cross emergency packs. One stays at the office in our desks and the other is a backpack filled with all the above goodies that stays at home. I think SorosBot will carry the backpack around with him at all times when he moves here!

midnighttoker69 August 23, 2012 at 11:15 am

SorosBot, you have a very good point. Hurricanes are huge, but slow-moving, giving people plenty of time to move out of the way. Earthquakes, on the other hand, happen with little to no warning, killing the rich and the poors alike.

tessiee August 23, 2012 at 11:37 am

I'll never forget my first earthquake.
*harp music*
*screen goes wavy*
I was at work… you know, back when anybody had jobs… and taking a bathroom break.
When I got into the bathroom stall, the water in the toilet was shaking a la "Jurassic Park".
I was all like, "What th–…?"
Then when I got back to the office a couple minutes later, everybody said that was an earthquake.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 23, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I've ridden dozens of earthquakes out. Advice? Always live on the top floor, and have a bed with a solid frame.

caitifty August 23, 2012 at 12:30 pm

And keep a crowbar in your bedroom so when the doorframe skews and wedges the door you can still get out.

Steverino247 August 23, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Earth Surfing is easy, once you get the hang ot it. Sometimes, you can even hear them coming, which is weird. Traffic and tourists are a much bigger hassle than earthquakes, believe me.

Callyson August 23, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Actually, earthquakes usually aren't as scary as you would think. The first earthquake I was in, I thought it was the upstairs neighbors jumping around.

Get an earthquake survival kit for your home and your car and you'll be fine. Also, this is helpful info:

http://www.ready.gov/earthquakes

BerkeleyBear August 23, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Second the don't live (or work, if you can avoid it) on landfill, which in SF proper means stay out of the Marina District. Best advice I got in moving to the City. Then again, that was only a couple years after the 1989 "big one" so there were still a lot of people walking around with unresolved PTSD from the bridges collapsing, people being stranded in poorly designed high-rises and city blocks turning to liquid.

On the whole, though, you will either rapidly become acclimated and ignore it (like me), or be one of those annoying fully prepared types (like my friends here in Portland who keep eyeballing my small stash of supplies and reminding me how when one of the volcanoes goes no one in the hills will be able to get anywhere). Either way I'm betting it will be way down your priority list in six months or less.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 August 24, 2012 at 12:40 am

Eh…it's not so bad…up North yonder we have the threat of the unholy megathrust quake of doom. Extreme No. Cali, Oregon, Washington and BC will all get the living shit kicked out of us Indonesia-style (or even worse…scientists can really put a damper on things..) when that happens…which is bound to happen, sometime. (note: sometime doesn't translate to Yellowstone exploding or Laacher See, it's not paranoia, geologists are actually kind of concerned given the low level of volcanic activity and the nature of the subduction zone…point is it can and will happen). Then, to top it off, it could shake up the plumbing of some of our dormant-active volcanoes and as a side effect activate some of those as well…it's not as certain as So. Cal. getting beaten up by the occassional transform fault thrust…but it'll happen. I just hope I'm out of state if and when the built up energy is released…or even better, it happens miles underground.

BZ1 August 23, 2012 at 10:40 am

At present, there are five–six hurricanes and storms heading their way in a end-of-days type scenario, hopefully??

HistoriCat August 23, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Much like the Republican primary, most of them will fizzle out before they can do real harm.

Mittens Howell, III August 23, 2012 at 10:41 am

A Republican convention where everybody is knee deep in toxic slime? Well, imagine that!

DerrickWildcat August 23, 2012 at 10:41 am

Vice President Biden, you know what to do.

OkieDokieDog August 23, 2012 at 10:41 am

Why can't they just pray away the hurricane? It works so well for teh ghay and other god is pissed off (at everybody except the godly GOP/Teaparty) weather thingies.

GhostBuggy August 23, 2012 at 10:45 am

It is weird, isn't it? It's almost as if praying actually does jack shit.

billy_reuben August 23, 2012 at 11:42 am

Their lack of faith borders on blasphemy.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 23, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Their lack of faith disturbs me.

freakishlywrong August 23, 2012 at 10:42 am

Bitch please. A Cat 1, out in the Gulf, sorta in the cone. We shit bigger hurricanes than that.

Terry August 23, 2012 at 10:51 am

The locals won't be upset by a Cat 1, but the delegates will be shitting bricks.

freakishlywrong August 23, 2012 at 10:56 am

I Know. That's the up side. I just don't want Becs to worry.

Terry August 23, 2012 at 11:13 am

I lived in Galveston for a long time, a town where you turn up human bones when you till for a garden because around 6,000 people died in a single hurricane and there was no way to properly bury them all.

I tried to evacuate for all hurricanes, since I was living on a sand bar approximately an inch above sea level. Got caught several times by storms that sped up over night, which caused the bridge to be closed early for high winds (over 65mph). Cat 1's are do-able if you are in a decent building out of the flooding areas. They'll still scrape your nerves raw, though, by the end. At the higher wind speeds, it sounds like a living thing is screaming outside. I can understand where the idea of a banshee started. Screaming and screaming for hours.

viennawoods13 August 23, 2012 at 11:54 am

Note to self: stay right the fuck where you are, in the Great Lakes region. Teeny tiny earthquakes, no hurricanes, only the occasional small tornado.

YasserArraFeck August 23, 2012 at 12:24 pm

ER medic: "Well Congressman, your penis is badly bruised and you have a severely abraded foreskin. What did you say happened again?"

Rep X (R – Anywhere): "I was….minding my own business….when I ran straight into an oncoming brick………"

Oblios_Cap August 23, 2012 at 10:54 am

If it does make to Tally, the biggest problem we'll have is that all the trees are soaked from 2 weeks of rain. A Cat 1 would pack enough wind to send some limbs and whole trees crashing down.

elviouslyqueer August 23, 2012 at 10:56 am

Word. Cat 1s (and Cat 2s, for that matter) are just overblown thunderstorms. In fact, we rarely evacuated unless it was a Cat 3 or above.

HistoriCat August 23, 2012 at 1:56 pm

As in other areas, size does matter. Ike was a Cat 2 when it hit Galveston but it was one big-assed Cat 2.

PsycWench August 23, 2012 at 11:11 am

The important thing is to fill the bathtub with water. A good way to do this is to fill it with ice, then put beer in the ice. Just trust me.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 23, 2012 at 12:27 pm

If it's PBR, the only difference would be the cans.

Missyb9479 August 23, 2012 at 11:24 am

The 5 days are never correct. If it says a hurricane will hit Tampa for Monday you can be pretty sure it won't hit Tampa on Monday. (Tally on Wednesday though…and of course just in time for my birthday)

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 23, 2012 at 10:44 am

This is all part of the gay agenda.

-maniacal laugh-

Nostrildamus August 23, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Congrats!

Designer_Rants August 23, 2012 at 10:44 am

Evacuation Plan C: Hide under a human pyramid of gay sex workers that converge around national RNC events. They can handle just about anything.

Schmannnity August 23, 2012 at 10:44 am

I hope hurricane-force winds does not prevent a George W. Bush flyover and window peek.

Designer_Rants August 23, 2012 at 10:47 am

Just make sure it's mostly well-heeled-looking white people on top of roofs waving frantically for rescue. If Dumbya sees black, he ain't comin' back.

Schmannnity August 23, 2012 at 10:51 am

Dear Wonkette: I apologize for verb-subject disagreement which I was unable to edit in time.

viennawoods13 August 23, 2012 at 11:57 am

One of the great things about Wonkette is that the commenters actually make an effort to use proper English. Much less grating on my nerves than Cough! Huff Po! Cough!

eggsacklywright August 23, 2012 at 10:44 am

Isn't there some sort of big sports dome they can all go hide in?

Designer_Rants August 23, 2012 at 10:48 am

Tampa Thunderdome: CONSERVATIVES ENTER, INDIGNANT 'OH THE HUMANITY' LIBERALS LEAVE!

BoatOfVelociraptors August 23, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Two man enter, one man leaves lifting luggage!

HobbesEvilTwin August 23, 2012 at 11:41 am

That would work out very well for them.

Isyaignert August 23, 2012 at 12:35 pm

I prefer not to sully my beautiful mind thinking about those RNC fuks.

knuck1es August 23, 2012 at 11:41 am

I wish I could thumbs-up that comment a few more times.

Mittens Howell, III August 23, 2012 at 10:45 am

If you're gonna give the country an enema, a Republican Convention seems as good a place as any to stick the tube in.

ChernobylSoup August 23, 2012 at 10:45 am

Watching the coverage of Isaac, you'd think Haiti, right in the hurricane's path with its millions still living in tents, didn't exist.

OMG the RNC!

Oblios_Cap August 23, 2012 at 10:56 am

Since the Haitians finally paid off the French, they don't matter anymore. It's just more punishment for daring to throw the slaveowners out.

chicken_thief August 23, 2012 at 10:57 am

Haita = blah=who gives a fuck

hagajim August 23, 2012 at 11:10 am

Just another example of our fine egocentricity.

Steverino247 August 23, 2012 at 12:58 pm

No Humans Involved, I believe is the term used…

FakaktaSouth August 23, 2012 at 10:47 am

Now I do wish Sarah P was invited. Chris Christie will be way too able to lie down on all these fuckers to keep anyone from flying away in the storm.

hagajim August 23, 2012 at 11:11 am

And if the surge gets too high they can all float on his fat ass.

Chet Kincaid_ August 23, 2012 at 11:14 am

Christie and the Huckabee sons have the very important convention role of weighting down the tarp over Romney and Ryan.

YasserArraFeck August 23, 2012 at 12:28 pm

One man flood barrier

James Michael Curley August 23, 2012 at 10:47 am

Mitt, Paul and the rest of those from Midwestern flyover states, since you don't have a lot of experience with hurricanes, when one is heading your way the best thing to do is stand under a tree.

Terry August 23, 2012 at 10:52 am

Holding a long metal pole upright.

ChillBill August 23, 2012 at 10:47 am

"I built this Hurricane."

– God

Incitefully_Joe August 23, 2012 at 10:53 am

You didn't build that! Climate change due to greenhouse gasses released into the atmosphere at unprecedented rates due to human activity helped!

doloras August 23, 2012 at 10:11 pm

ON ROCK AND ROLL

CalamityJames August 23, 2012 at 10:48 am

They can't even discuss extreme weather events without the political posturing. "Oh no, there's no reason to slow this conservatrain down, Mitt's wholesome family(rapeyourdaughter)values will keep us afloat"! Christ on a pogo stick, I'd love to hear just one single intelligent republican say "hey guys, maybe we should stop being fanatical assholes?"

hagajim August 23, 2012 at 11:11 am

If one did they'd kick him out of the party…see Jim Jeffords.

Stevola August 23, 2012 at 11:24 am

Why stop now?

tessiee August 23, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Or at least take a rest once in awhile.

chicken_thief August 23, 2012 at 10:48 am

All the armed attendees and they are crapping over a little wind and rain? Put on yer man pants, GOP!

Larry McAwful August 23, 2012 at 12:26 pm

When raincoats are outlawed, only outlaws will have raincoats.

Gorillionaire August 23, 2012 at 10:48 am

When Hurricane Hugo hit my town, I had no electricity for about two weeks and my boss bitched me out for missing one day of work (the day it hit and trees were all over my street). I seem to recall that otherwise I got drunk a little more flagrantly and often and generally enjoyed the comraderae of my neighbors.

freakishlywrong August 23, 2012 at 10:57 am

Your boss is an asshole.

GhostBuggy August 23, 2012 at 11:23 am

Here in the frozen north, I've never had a job where a boss allowed any kind of leeway for days off/late arrival time due to blizzard conditions. Keep in mind that I'm not a doctor or firefighter or anything like that.

Basically, middle management jobs attract a lot of assholes.

viennawoods13 August 23, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Best thing about being a teacher is that if they cancel the buses for bad conditions, we all get to stay home. Which since I have to drive through 4 deep creek valleys on my way to work (steep hills + icy, snowy roads= me shitting my pants) is a good thing.

GhostBuggy August 23, 2012 at 3:57 pm

I want you to know I tried hard to combine "deep creek valleys" and pants-shitting into a joke, but failed.

My brother is a teacher, and it's great fun fighting through snow and ice to get to work, to find an e-mail from him announcing he was just getting up to send that, then going back to bed.

Larry McAwful August 23, 2012 at 12:29 pm

When I lived in New York, I got to experience the same thing due to a blackout that lasted for several days. Especially the first day, when the bars had a fire sale on beer to make sure they sold all they could in the face of failing refrigeration. It was a good time.

The camaraderie of getting stuck in Manhattan on September 11 was nice, too. Except for, y'know, the collapsing buildings and the people dying.

eggsacklywright August 23, 2012 at 10:48 am

Someone here the other day referred to hurricanes as "death twirlies.' I'm still laughing.

AncienReggie August 23, 2012 at 10:48 am

Tough for the Tampa economy and all, but I'll bet the RNC would love to shorten this convention. That party establishment doesn't want to spend any more time with their Teabagger base than we do.

anniegetyerfun August 23, 2012 at 11:08 am

Or letting Mitt speak off-the-cuff.

BarackMyWorld August 23, 2012 at 10:48 am

If God isn't behind this, Mother Nature certainly is.
You might want to rethink your party's position on climate change, guys.

hagajim August 23, 2012 at 11:12 am

Nah – they'll just blame it on the gheyz and the messicans.

ChillBill August 23, 2012 at 10:49 am

"State emergency officials conducted a mock drill in March."

Isn't the Republican Convention also a "mock drill"?

hagajim August 23, 2012 at 11:13 am

Well, its certainly something we can mock.

tessiee August 23, 2012 at 1:07 pm

And the rentboys will be getting drilled.

pdiddycornchips August 23, 2012 at 10:50 am

Becca, I wish you well on your journey and hopefully it will pass quickly and cause minimal damage but in the event you do find yourself in harms way, sandwich your tiny frame between Newt and Sununu. you'll be snug as a bug in a rug.

comrad_darkness August 23, 2012 at 11:01 am

Aside from the screaming like terrified girls and pissing themselves. Maybe.

anniegetyerfun August 23, 2012 at 11:08 am

A smelly, sweaty rug.

viennawoods13 August 23, 2012 at 12:02 pm

No safety from gale-force winds is worth this.

fartknocker August 23, 2012 at 10:50 am

My favorite part of hurricanes is when some stupid Weather Channel reporter stands outside a hotel in 80 MPH winds wearing expensive rain-resistant clothes and tries to explain how high-speed winds feel. This event is so appropriate for the GOP convention. Along with strippers and rent boys.

Terry August 23, 2012 at 10:56 am

Oh, compare the Weather Channel folks to the news reporters. The Weather Channel folks win hands down. They'll get out into the storm to show you awesomeness like the wind sucking water up and out of storm drains in fountain-like sprays. The news reporters huddle under the awnings of hotels and flinch every time a piece of metal clatters down the road.

HistoriCat August 23, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Where is that video of Geraldo getting clock by a wave? That's comedy gold.

actor212 August 23, 2012 at 4:21 pm

I'll see your Geraldo, and raise you an Al Roker, with bonus flunky pratfall

Lot_49 August 23, 2012 at 10:51 am

What a tragedy for democracy if this utterly pointless 4-day pep rally/payback-to-loyal-party-apparatchiks event were to be cancelled! Let's see: work on the party platform, which no one reads or adheres to, will be terminated. However will the candidates know about the important issues their party constituents have assembled to address? Where will all the balloons go? Will no one cover the one dipshit "ironically" wearing a "Stop Stassen" button?

O the humanity!

And, except for the last item, all this stuff applies to the Dem confab as well.

viennawoods13 August 23, 2012 at 12:11 pm

And actually, they already determined the platform; we've already been told where they stand on abortion and statehood for DC.

tessiee August 23, 2012 at 1:08 pm

"However will the candidates know about the important issues their party constituents have assembled to address?"

they already know the really important one; "fire the blah guy".

Native_of_SL_UT August 23, 2012 at 10:51 am

This wouldn't be happening if they had just followed Fox's effort to get rid of the National Weather Service.

http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2011/08/27/do-real

Terry August 23, 2012 at 10:57 am

I recall one of the freshman representatives who came to DC with Newt saying that the National Weather Service should be cut because everyone gets their weather from the TV. When he was told that the TV guys get their info from the NWS, he said "Oh.".

anniegetyerfun August 23, 2012 at 11:07 am

"Oh" is the new "oops".

ChernobylSoup August 23, 2012 at 11:00 am

QED

comrad_darkness August 23, 2012 at 11:01 am

We should definitely step aside and let the magic hand of the marketplace run the evacuation.

tessiee August 23, 2012 at 1:09 pm

This is all science's fault! Stupid science!!

Mumbletypeg August 23, 2012 at 10:52 am

Stupid silly repubs. At least *part* of the word "conVENTion" contains the French word for 'wind' — duh.

mrblifil August 23, 2012 at 11:03 am

I always assumed that was a refence to farts.

Mumbletypeg August 23, 2012 at 11:10 am

a refence to farts

You have now 'hoisted' yourself into an etymological do-si-do. I hope your name is not Peter IRL:

The word petard comes from the Middle French peter, to break wind, from pet expulsion of intestinal gas, from Latin peditum, from neuter of peditus, past participle of pedere, to break wind; akin to Greek bdein to break wind. (Merriam-Webster) Petard remains a French word meaning a firecracker today (in French slang, it means a handgun, or a joint).

coolhandnuke August 23, 2012 at 10:53 am

It's Satan's revenge for the Tampa Devil Rays becoming the Tampa Rays.

Eve8Apples August 23, 2012 at 10:56 am

I would leave the umbrella at home. Instead, take a snarky, obscene sign you can hold on a rooftop while waiting for the rescue helicopter. And take an extra bottle of gin. The damn liquor stores always raise the prices when they know people will be stocking up due to a bad weather prediction.

actor212 August 23, 2012 at 10:56 am

Editrix, just pretend its a warm shower with a built-in blow-dryer

EDIT: Also, beware the Burmese pythons that follow Florida floods. Oh, and the Nile monitor lizards.

Mumbletypeg August 23, 2012 at 11:05 am

You are terrible!

actor212 August 23, 2012 at 4:22 pm

I take that as high praise on this site.

Mumbletypeg August 23, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Aw, and well you should.. Still I might've used *naughty* instead~

MosesInvests August 23, 2012 at 11:26 am

Gators and water moccasins, also, too!

NYNYNYjr August 23, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Those pythons are disgusting. Yeah, this hurricane should fling them all across the state.

SayItWithWookies August 23, 2012 at 10:57 am

An act of who now? This God thing must be an acronym for the inevitable consequences of climate change denial added to picking a spot for a convention that's located smack in the middle of the splatter pattern of the Eastern Atlantic Hurricane Gun (that's the thing that shoots hurricanes at Florida and has been doing so for thousands of years) right in the middle of — whaddyacallit? — fuckin' hurricane season.

But on the bright side, maybe it'll wash away the dolphin bodies and gobs of oil that really aren't there since the Gulf was cleaned up so thoroughly by BP.

VA_Dreaming August 23, 2012 at 10:57 am

Dear Editrix: P'shaw, a category 1 hurricane is just like a little aftershock. Just be sure to pack your rubbers. I mean the big yellow raincoat kind, gosh, get your mind out of the gutter. You are starting to think like a republican.

actor212 August 23, 2012 at 11:02 am

Jim "Batboy" Cantore was talking Cat 2 or 3 last night by the time it crosses the Keys.

mrs_pacabel August 23, 2012 at 10:58 am

lolol – "we shit bigger hurricanes than that"
As a proud Tampon, native Floriduhian, and survivor or Hurricanes Andrew, Charlie, Wilma and all the fucking other ones, let me just tell you that We of the Big Dirty Guava have been "praying" for these force of nature shenanigans ever since they announced that we'd gone down on our knees as a city and sucked the collective Republican dick for this "honor". SUCCESS! I think it's all those goats we sacrificed! WIN!!!1111!!!

comrad_darkness August 23, 2012 at 10:58 am

I recommend water wings and a helmet.

anniegetyerfun August 23, 2012 at 11:06 am

To be fair, that's probably part of the swag packages* that are being handed out at the convention. It IS a gathering of Republicans, after all, most of whom should be wearing helmets anyway.

*Butt plugs, also.

Jus_Wonderin August 23, 2012 at 10:58 am

I am not sure the actual flooding of a potential hurricane could bring will be the major concern for most of the Republican Convention attendees. Really, think of the inevitable soul crush of all the DL Conservatives when they find the can't post to CraigsList due to power outages.

Think of those poor horny men, people????!!!!

Stevola August 23, 2012 at 11:37 am

Well, they'll all be together in the dark…

cc423 August 23, 2012 at 10:59 am

Wonder when the evangelicals will start claiming this is retribution for nominating a Mormon. It is SO bound to happen…

actor212 August 23, 2012 at 11:00 am

I have an idea for the mayor: get a big cruise ship as a back up convention center. If the storm begins to hit, get the RNC on board and float them out at sea.

Don't worry. We'll be fine.

I mean, they. They will be fine. With votes.

GhostBuggy August 23, 2012 at 11:26 am

For extra fun, point the boat at Havana as it leaves.

fuflans August 23, 2012 at 11:00 am

this is barack obama's fault.

anniegetyerfun August 23, 2012 at 11:05 am

Him and his evil Muslin god are totally behind this.

AbandonHope_ August 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Laugh if you want, but had you ever heard of one of these "hurr-a-cane" things before he took office? I think not.

DCBloom August 23, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Yep. he needs to step up and take responsibility and stop blaming everyone else

Oblios_Cap August 23, 2012 at 11:00 am

They ought to cancel it just for shits and giggles and then say "Sorry" when the storm misses the area.

charliearglist August 23, 2012 at 11:01 am

"Full RNC mode?" Is that with or without nipple clips?

mrblifil August 23, 2012 at 11:01 am

The most damaging thing Dem officials could do to the opposite party would be to allow the convention to go forward no matter what. Besides what's the big deal? If Tampa goes under 20 feet of water, they can simply hold the convention at one if Mitt Romney's 4,738 palatial estates. Problem solved.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 August 24, 2012 at 12:55 am

true….Mitt will just put the entire convention into a crate and load it on to…oh shit, I don't think it's physically possible to place a large gathering of teabaggers on top of any load bearing structure and not cause it to collapse. A huge gathering of teabaggers is like Mauna Loa in Hawaii, so heavy they cause the earths crust to bend trying to hold all the weight…..

elgin_pelican August 23, 2012 at 11:02 am

Another nice thing, a lot of the delegates are being house miles away from the convention itself. If there's a chance that a busload of bible-thumpers is washed out to sea, I will reconsider my godless ways.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 August 24, 2012 at 1:15 am

True…I think that would make me reconsider whether or not god is possible…especially if Pat Robertson gets caught in it trying to pray the Hurricane away. Funniest moment? Marcus Bachmann's expression at the possibility of having to cling to a woman by copping a feel to hold on and survive….wait a tick, editrix, is it possible to get a free ticket possibly close to Megs McCabe? I'm thinkin' there might be an upside to getting washed out to sea and needing to find a flotation device…or two. It's a safe bet too…most GOP dudes would be like "ewww boobs!" when they were looking for something to ride on, they'd probably end up on Newts ample belly….

SoBeach August 23, 2012 at 11:02 am

Pffft.

Editrix, trust me, your biggest fear should be having to wait out the hurricane in a safe place. You won't be in any physical danger, but sitting around in the dark with a bunch of people when the power is out is just gross. No air circulating, water from people's breath condensing on the ceiling and dripping down like rain, hot. Trust me, it's horrible.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 23, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Nothing a bottle of vodka and a six pack of condoms can't solve.

anniegetyerfun August 23, 2012 at 11:04 am

Haha, Californians don't own umbrellas, do they?

commiegirl99 August 23, 2012 at 11:59 am

No.

eggsacklywright August 23, 2012 at 11:05 am

So, Almighty Grid is about to blow on the big penis that is Floridar?

Misty Malarky August 23, 2012 at 11:07 am

And yet Florida still cannot get it up.

eggsacklywright August 23, 2012 at 11:17 am

Turgidity is key in this arena.

BigSkullF*ckingDog August 23, 2012 at 11:07 am

Hurricane's no big deal. Its the plague of locusts that's gonna be a bitch.

Poindexter718 August 23, 2012 at 11:10 am

If it's a legitimate meteorological catastrophe, the GOP has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.

ChrisM2011 August 23, 2012 at 11:13 am

God works in mysterious ways….

proudgrampa August 23, 2012 at 11:33 am

So does the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

anniegetyerfun August 23, 2012 at 11:13 am

Is it too much to hope for a Katrina-like situation where the GOP ends up in FEMA camps? Shots of disheveled old white dudes holding up "help me!" signs on the roof of a local school? Too much?

Barrelhse August 23, 2012 at 1:40 pm

It would be a good start.

Katydid August 23, 2012 at 11:19 am

…start worrying about your Editrix, who is supposed to fly into Tampa at just exactly the same time Tropical Storm Isaac is expected…</>

Sorry, mine Editrix, but we're just thinking of how cool you'll be flying into Tampa without a plane! Landing in just the right spot may be a bit trickier, though.

thurufally August 23, 2012 at 11:20 am

It'll be just like Hurricane Katrina! What'll we do without Bush and Brownie to lead us?!

proudgrampa August 23, 2012 at 11:21 am

Rebecca, all you need to worry about is whether your hotel room has a minibar. You will have no worries staying in your room and enjoying the spectacle on the Weather Channel.

Maman August 23, 2012 at 11:22 am

I thought the GOP was tight with the Almighty? Are they lying about friending God too? They are totes getting smote.

thurufally August 23, 2012 at 11:23 am

Republicans! Do not fuck with Todd Akin! No more warnings!

–God

billy_reuben August 23, 2012 at 11:25 am

Cowards!

Sharkey August 23, 2012 at 11:28 am

I've always wanted to go into the eye of a hurricane, and then just follow it where ever it goes. Lemme know how it works out!

a_pink_poodle August 23, 2012 at 11:29 am

Hurricanes are just liberal inventions that AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Chet Kincaid_ August 23, 2012 at 11:30 am

Do you really have to cover the convention in person in this day and age? Send an unmanned drone! As for the Wonkette meetup, just post a Groupon for potable water.

johnnyzhivago August 23, 2012 at 11:37 am

Safest idea would be to put the entire RNC convention on a barge and scuttle it at about 300 miles into the Gulf of America.

BlueStateLibel August 23, 2012 at 11:40 am

Yeah, all's you need is an umbrella. Plus some antibiotics, a firearm, wet suit, and a good attitude.

Barrelhse August 23, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Flag pin and crucifix are helpful, too.
(Ix-nay on the Skittles)

not that Dewey August 23, 2012 at 11:44 am

Where do you want this killing done?

James Michael Curley August 23, 2012 at 12:11 pm

God said on highway 61.

outragedcitizen August 23, 2012 at 11:44 am

Except for the fact that the people of Tampa don't deserve it, I would love to see Issac go all Katrina on the GOP's ass. It would be a hoot seeing RMoney, Ryan and the rest of those asshats sitting on top of the conventions center roof for three or four days waiting for rescue.

johnnyzhivago August 23, 2012 at 11:45 am

Big mistake having Chris Christie!!!!! He has the gravitational pull of a small planet – the hurricane is SURE to strike!

James Michael Curley August 23, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Think of all the people who can get shelter behind him.

Barrelhse August 23, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Astronomically high tides!

ThundercatHo August 23, 2012 at 11:58 am

Aide: Mr. President, the entire RNC is trapped inside the convention center due to flooding. What should we do?
Barry O'Bams: First, get everyone else to safety, especially that cute Rebecca from Wonkette. Then, have the National Guard drop off a few cases of pork rinds and Twizzlers on the roof of the convention center. I'm sure the Invisible Hand will be round to help them out shortly.

randcoolcatdaddy August 23, 2012 at 11:59 am

A bunch of white guys wading through two feet of water shooting at each other over the last bottled water and rentboys in Tampa? Yeah…I'd tune in to C-Span for that…

NYNYNYjr August 23, 2012 at 12:04 pm

This is how God votes after they purged Him from the Florida voter list.

tessiee August 23, 2012 at 12:06 pm

If everybody there had guns, the hurricane would never happen.
Oh, wait, it's Florida — everybody does have guns.
*shrugs with all ten fingers pointing down*
Welp, I'm out of ideas.

PubOption August 23, 2012 at 12:11 pm

What grade of storm surge is required for the evacuation of the strip clubs?

tessiee August 23, 2012 at 12:14 pm

As long as that billboard is unharmed, I'm OK with this.
Oh, yeah, and our beloved Editrix, too.

BadKitty904 August 23, 2012 at 12:28 pm

or NEW ORLEANS AVENGED!

troubleandahalf August 23, 2012 at 12:31 pm

It would be even better if they were trapped like rats in the convention center without water for four or five days amidst complete lawlessness. Then we'd know God has a sense of humor in addition to being just.

larrykat August 23, 2012 at 12:32 pm

How are ya with mudslides, Rebecca?

Larry McAwful August 23, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Maybe they should hold their convention in a city where most of the city council are Republicans. I'm sure there are lots of cities like that. Like, um… well, there's Lubbock, Texas. And, maybe, um… Cœur d'Alène, Idaho? I can't think of any place with a population over 40,000 that might be like that.

cromiller August 23, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Nobody panics when things go "according to plan." Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a blah will be shot, or an abortion clinic will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all "part of the plan". But when I say that one little old RNC will be hit by a hurricane, well then everyone loses their minds!

Nostrildamus August 23, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Whole lotta blowin' goin' on, regardless.

DahBoner August 23, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Really big shoe in America's Limp Wang?

It's Nature's way of telling somethings wong…

DCBloom August 23, 2012 at 12:52 pm

My hubby, the agnostic, said to me, the atheist, "Will you believe in God if this thing gets the convention"?

Probably

Graham Cracker August 23, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Rebecca—you are going to Tampa, which will be running amuck with wingtard Rethuglicans, and you are worried about a little old hurricane?

Grow some balls!

EarnestTaxpayer August 23, 2012 at 1:06 pm

From ready.gov:
Cat 1/2: Find a nice hotel restaurant with a generator and a well-paid staff. Tip well and hunker down.
Cat 3+: Rent a car and drive in a counter-intuitive direction (which, in FL, would be any direction at all). When you run out of gas, abandon car and follow remaining instructions for Cat 1/2.

Steverino247 August 23, 2012 at 1:07 pm

The biggest problem you're likely to face, Dear Editrix, is spending days in whatever airport your connecting flight to Tampa originates from. In other words, they aren't going to take off if they can't land, and they try not to land in hurricanes, so you could be stuck someplace like Houston or Charlotte if the flight is cancelled. Take some pillows and stuff them into a carry-on bag so you can maybe get some sleep at the airport.

Barrelhse August 23, 2012 at 1:49 pm

My wife said that if a huge bolt of lightning hit the Center and fried all the 'pukes, the Xtians would say there must have been gay, union waiters working at the convention.

barto August 23, 2012 at 2:00 pm

“We’re in full RNC mode"
Sounds about right, wreaking death and destruction everywhere they go…

HistoriCat August 23, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Not to the worry the European model is predicting landfall along the Florida/Alabama border. I trust that a lot more than the other models. Poor Haiti is going to get walloped again though.

OneYieldRegular August 23, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Is there any American city Republicans won't try to destroy?

ksterlings August 23, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Been in Tampa Bay 12 years, even without the RNC they hype these things up like no-ones business. More often than not we are enjoying slightly cooler weather wondering WHY our family keeps calling us to see if we are alive and have enough toilet paper to get us through. So long as it doesn't kick up a few notches I am afraid Isaac will do little more than bring the appropriate level of gloom, damp, and darkness to the event.

Guppy August 23, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Your Editrix is from California. SHE DOES NOT LIKE HURRICANES, she only likes fires and earthquakes!

This is what you get for mocking the Virginia earthquake.

ttommyunger August 23, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Tampa's Dem. Mayor on NPR today bragging how he will deal "judiciously" with "violent" (his characterization) demonstrators….Don't forget your water-wings, Sparky.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 August 24, 2012 at 12:52 am

Rebecca…not to worry…you're pretty much fucked wherever you live. Back East there are hurricanes, the occassional odd and terrifyingly destructive earthquake (caused by a real anomoly, science pretty much figures those happen because of built up pressure exerted into weak spots in the middle) and sharks. Down South it's Republicans (a real unnatural disaster), pollution, teabagger gas, hurricanes, and yes…the occassional hugely destructive earthquake. Midwest: tornado alley and Pentacostals, Mountain West, lots of fault types to cause big quakes, Southwest: Texans, Arizonans, earthquakes, the occassional (rare and monogenic) volcano, oil spills (also of the South). Out West we get to laugh at So. Cali occassionally getting reamed and as per my previous comment, we have megathurst earthquakes, volcanoes and conventional earthquakes to worry about. See, so you're not entirely safe ANYWHERE…

Cheburashka64 August 24, 2012 at 11:46 am

Wow, this may turn out to be the worst month for the far-right since June of 1944.

Terry August 23, 2012 at 12:11 pm

I have three words for you: Lake Effect Snow.

It took me 14 hrs one day to drive from Chicago to Kalamazoo. Blizzard. White out. Multi-car pile ups. My actual destination had been Detroit, but we were exhausted and had to stop. A nice lady at the motel desk suggested we have dinner at a place adjacent to the local ice rink. We said no.

BerkeleyBear August 23, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Yeah, but one little tornado can fuck up your whole day.

And even without lake effect blizzards and sub zero weather are not something I ever want to go back too. Did my time in the Midwest – like snow, don't like having to commute through it.

viennawoods13 August 23, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Oh yeah, those are fun. But I just sit tight in my home with my woodstove and don't go anywhere. Is pretty to watch snow falling. Couple of years ago I agreed to be in a winter show at our local theatre, despite vows never to do a winter show again, and godammit if every single rehearsal night wasn't a blizzard or freezing rain. Never again.

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