Give 'em head, Tom!Now here’s a case, maybe the only case, for raising taxes that could appeal to Bold Conservatives, straight from Judge Tom Head of Lubbock County, Texas: If that there Obamer fella were to win reelection, God Almighty forbid, and hand over American sovereignty to the United Nations, there’d be such righteous civil unrest in the streets that the administration would quickly send in U.N. troops — so a 1.7% property tax increase would be well worth it to help bolster Lubbock County law enforcement before they’re forced to fend off said U.N. troops. Well, in that case, sure? Raise it five, ten percent, whatever you want, judge.

Your Wonkette writer has long believed that the only truly compelling reason to vote for President Obama’s reelection this year is to watch the hilarious freakouts that would follow his victory. Imagine the sight of a bunch of wingnuts camping out in the streets of Lubbock, Texas, with their gubmint guns, for weeks, waiting for U.N. shock troops to descend on the town, waiting, waiting… Dearest Wonketteers, it doesn’t get much better than that.

Judge Head said he and the county must be prepared for many contingencies, one that he particularly fears, is if President Obama is reelected.

“He’s going to try to hand over the sovereignty of the United States to the UN, and what is going to happen when that happens?,” Head asked.

“I’m thinking the worst. Civil unrest, civil disobedience, civil war maybe. And we’re not just talking a few riots here and demonstrations, we’re talking Lexington, Concord, take up arms and get rid of the guy.

“Now what’s going to happen if we do that, if the public decides to do that? He’s going to send in U.N. troops. I don’t want ’em in Lubbock County. OK. So I’m going to stand in front of their armored personnel carrier and say ‘you’re not coming in here’.

“And the sheriff, I’ve already asked him, I said ‘you gonna back me’ he said, ‘yeah, I’ll back you’. Well, I don’t want a bunch of rookies back there. I want trained, equipped, seasoned veteran officers to back me.”

All that liberal jabber about raising taxes to help close budget gaps always sounded like a bunch of tinfoil-hat claptrap to us, but this judge — well, this judge makes a fair case for boosting revenue.

[Fox 34]

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  • He can see the funny farm from his porch.

  • Finally, we have found a tax increase that Republicans like!

    • That's progress if you ask me!

    • Wut finally? They've been spending $0.53 out of every one of our taxpayer dollars on MOAR GUNZ AND BOOMBOOM for decades now.

  • bumfug

    Civil war? Why bother – if these jerkoffs want to secede, good riddance.

    • Yeah I bet Obama would be all, "Oh no, lubbock is leaving, we have to go get *lubbock* back"

      • Crank_Tango

        DO IT FER BUDDY HOLLY!!!!!

        I dunno, wasn't he from Lubbock or something?

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        We're bringing Lubbock back! /Timberlake

    • Callyson

      Yes, though we really should start up a new Underground Railroad so that decent people from Austin and the like can GTFO…

  • Lot_49

    A publisher named Jacobo Timerman ran afoul of the Argentine dictatorship during the Dirty War, and was arrested and tortured. They asked him repeatedly, "When are the Israeli commandos going to land on Tiera del Fuego?" and zap his genitals when he'd say, "I can't answer because I don't know and I don't know because it isn't going to happen." ZZZAPP!!

    Not hard to imagine the same thing happening in Lubbock.

    • Generation[redacted]

      I'm sure those Lubbock county jails still have old genital zappers leftover from the 1950s (crime was low back then – not a single black man ever made it to trial!). That tax increase would more than cover reconditioning the ol' interrogatin' basement.

    • Tundra Grifter

      "Kenneth: What is the frequency?"

  • NorthStarSpanx

    I stopped reading after Lubbock. . .

    • Buddy Holly libel!

    • sewollef

      I stopped reading after 'TEXAS' in the headline.

      Okay, okay…. so I clicked through to the post, simply because of this judge's name. Seriously…. 'Thomas Head'.

      This is made up, right Jim?

      • "So I said, 'Gimme Head,man,' and she just burst out … why is everybody laughing?"

        • bobbert

          My only regret is that I have but one Head to give for my country.

    • Larry McAwful

      That's good. Stopping reading is the best way to show honor to Lubbock. They appreciate it, I'm sure.

      • HistoriCat

        Oh but that is some fine Jim Newell writing there!

  • metamarcisf

    When I lived in the Panhandle in the '70s, Lubbock was a dry college town. What was fun was driving in any direction and as soon as you reached the city limits, all you could see were a couple of hundred drive-up liquor stores, circling the town like a horse-hair lariat. So try living in a place like that and keeping your sanity.

    • When I went to college in a dry town, we had Delaware.

      • Is it true you can underage-drink for credit at Atheist Liberal College?

        • Generation[redacted]

          Yes, it's part of the core curriculum if you're majoring in Abortion Studies.

        • PE Credit. It's called Rugby.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      My college, LSU-S, had a Thrifty Liquor within walking distance. Of course it was a commuter college (in Louisiana) so…well, we could use our cars on liquor runs.

  • BloviateMe

    The thought of the guy with the most votes maintaining his presidency by getting the most votes again is so un-American.


    • vodkamuppet


    • miss_grundy

      It's past midnight and I would love to see a drone attack on Lubbock, actually, I would love to see drone attacks on every state south of the Mason-Dixon line because I am truly tired of the crazies. I just wish these people would shoot each other during that crazy convention they will be having in Tampa.

  • docterry6973

    This annoys me because Obama promised that I could be the Viceroy of Lubbock after the UN takeover. Not much chance of that with a hero like Judge Head leading a phalanx of trained officers from the Lubbock County sheriff's department against us. Loose lips, people!!!!

    • pdiddycornchips

      I'm available if you need a major domo. You can pay me in tequila and Armadillo meat.

      • docterry6973

        How does Chancellor of the Exchequer sound? We could have access to the vast wealth in the Lubbock county checking account.

        • pdiddycornchips

          Okay, but the bulk of our funds will be spent on tequila and ammo (I like fresh Armadillo)

          • docterry6973

            No shortage of armadillo. Don't know if Lubbock is still dry, but we can change that.

    • vodkamuppet

      He told me the same thing! How the fuck did he get my email address?

    • Don't worry, sweetie. He'll step out in front of the armored cars, he said. Need I remind you that an armored car significantly outweighs a man.

      After he's been hosed off the sidewalk, we'll hold your coronation party with some of those cakes we like.

      • glasspusher

        I've heard coca cola works wonders on cleaning off stubborn stains like that.

        • We'll pour a case on him, and see if he dissolves.

          • glasspusher

            I used to think Coke was useless…can't stand the stuff.

    • Negropolis

      Let me tell you, you ain't missin' much. Lubbock is the Lubbock of Texas. It ain't even worth one Amarillo.

    • Nothingisamiss

      How come I was only promised a pony?

  • Maybe Obama should sell his health care plan and increase taxes on the rich as necessary so that it can pay for the people to rebel against the government after he is re-elected, and to pay for their injuries when they are beaten down by the national guard.

    • Veritas78

      This is inspired! Have you ever considered a career in politics? Or chess?

    • IonaTrailer

      Seal Team Six could be busy!

  • This would be a hell of a lot more amusing if he wasn't serious.

    • Xan

      I continue to be utterly mystified at the level of stupidity in high goverment office. One has to assume that a judge went to law school?

      • HistoriCat

        I'm guessing he's the County Judge – basically the executive for the county.

    • bobbert

      Sadly, this is a realistic comment. I mean, this is an alleged human being, who is well-enough regarded by those in his locality that he has been made a judge, and he appears to actually believe the utter nonsense that he speaks.

      Really, this isn't funny at all.

      However this is Wonket, so I will venture "Give me sanity, or give me Head!!!".

  • Jus_Wonderin

    "That guy down there… is me. I'm in Lubbock, Texas. And it may look like zombies destroyed it, but that's actually just Lubbock."

  • mavenmaven


    • doloras


    • Callyson

      And the Chinese are coming right behind them!

      • sewollef

        If this town is a-rocking, don't come a-knocking…..

      • (tightens sphincter)


      • Biff

        Not anymore, now I'm Finnish…

        • OK, did we have an ideological, a national, or a sea change?

          • Biff

            Biological, perhaps?

        • bobbert

          I'm'a let you be Finnish, but Judge Head is one of the dumbest asshats OF ALL TIME!!!!

          • I just want to look him in the eye and say, all Eddie-Izzardish: "Don't Judge, Head."

    • Warwhatgoodfor

      Everybody pleeze to get from street!

      • bobbert

        All your armored car are belong to UN.

  • Wow, it's the ultimate Catch-22 for the wingnuts (even though none of them have heard of a Catch-22).

    Raise taxes or get legitimately raped by Obama's gay muslim UN army (one of Todd Akin's pre-approved legitimate forms of rape).

    • anniegetyerfun

      Given how many of the UN's troops are staffed by poor kids from Bangladesh, that might be more true that you will ever know!

  • I’m going to stand in front of their armored personnel carrier and say ‘you’re not coming in here’

    Typical chest-beating, wingnut phony bravado. We've got a better chance of Mel Gibson starring in Fiddler on the Roof.

    • Steverino247

      "If I was a dickhead…"

    • GeorgiaBurning


      • See, now, you may not have *realized* this about me, but I really have a *thing* for sound effects.

    • Larry McAwful

      Oh, I dunno. I bet this guy has at least a couple Glocks. That'll stop any armored personnel carrier, anywhere.

      • I hope he insists on proving this his own self.

  • UW8316154

    Yeah, Lubbock County, Texas is *exactly* where Ground Zero of the U.N. attack on Real Americanz will be waged. Haven't they burned up yet?

    • glasspusher


  • From the people who brought you "Reno 911": "Lubbock County Anti-UN Militia", Thursdays on Comedy Central!

    • Dangle is way better looking than that guy.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        And you know Dangle would look better in shorts.

    • Biff

      Wonder who will play the Trudy Wiegel role? I found her to be a lot sexier than a normal man should, no doubt. But then I also like Flo…

    • Veritas78

      Chet, you should ™ or © that title, cuz that show's gonna write itself.

  • not that Dewey


  • Callyson

    "Well, I don’t want a bunch of rookies back there. I want trained, equipped, seasoned veteran officers to back me.”

    Did this guy just accuse the God fearing gun owning Texans of Lubbock County of being rookies? That won't go over well at the local gun club…

    • bobbert

      Also, too, if they don't have trained, equipped, seasoned, veteran officers available now, how the fuck is a 1.7% property tax increase going to provide them by November 7?

      • It ain't, but Mike will be off getting Head in Tijuana with their munnies, so he don't give a fuck.

  • "Judge Head"? Haha, the dick jokes write themselves.

    • rickmaci

      He's just lucky his parents didn't name him Richard.

      • That's probably his buddy/lover/Sheriff's name.

      • bobbert

        We had a developer / city councilman in San Jose named Joe Head. His campaign signs disappeared like the dew on a hot morning.

    • I just want to know what people say when they get on the phone with his office.

      • glasspusher

        Even better: suppose you were sentenced to the electric chair, and he was responsible for your appeal?

        "Give me Head 'til I'm dead!"

  • Callyson

    According to this clown's job description, he's got a variety of interests:

    General County Administration as provided by law, including:
    Director of Emergency Management
    Prepare County budget for approval by the County Commissioners
    Preside over Commissioners Court
    Conducts mental competency hearings and other mental health related duties prescribed by law
    Serve on Juvenile Board, SPAG Board, Bail Bond Board, and others
    Refuse or issue alcohol beverage permits
    Responsibilities associated of holding elections
    Give notice of public hearings
    May conduct Marriage Ceremonies

    Mental competency hearings, huh? It's official–the inmates *have* taken over the asylum…

    • "In a town, where one man…"

    • docterry6973

      Conducts mental health related duties? What, there aren't any one-eyed men in Lubbock?

    • PsycWench

      I can't wait until gay marriage is the law of the land and this guy HAS to officiate at gay weddings.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        I don't think he could get through the ceremony what with trying not to picture those gettin' hitched doing it.
        Actually, I think that probably applies to the "opposite marriages" he probably already does.

  • MacRaith

    Oh, come on, the UN couldn't even take over Somalia. If they couldn't manage it there, how could they succeed in an even worse hell-hole like Lubbock?

    • I reckon the same way the Muslim Brotherhood, who still can't infiltrate the fucking Egyptian government despite trying for half a century, has infiltrated the US government without even informing its own leaders.

    • anniegetyerfun

      The UN has been completely ineffective in doing anything in Syria, as well, but that's because they are fighting fellow Muslims. When the MUSLIM UN takes over the US with the help of the MUSLIM BLACK PRESIDENT, that will be different.


      • bobbert


  • pdiddycornchips

    Tax increases to solve our long term deficit = socialism. Tax increases to prepare for a UN invasion of Bumfuck Texas = FREEDOM!!!

  • T3rbo

    Quick, build a giant 2000 mile long armed border fortress so the UN can't invade!

    • Boojum

      With the guns pointing inward.

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      The Moronigot Line…

  • Poor guy finally snapped after handling all those Head cases.

    • Y U DO DIS 2 MEEEEE?

      • glasspusher

        I think Mike Meyers could handle this:

        "Head! Move! Now!" (Scottish accent)

  • orygoon

    I remember my first big round of voting, when I was that magic age and then there was the drama of a presidential election. Pretty must EVERYBODY I voted for lost. And that had happened to me a whole bunch of times since then. It isn't fun, but it's the system.

    It's called democracy, you fuckHead.

    • sewollef

      I remember that feeling. When I turned 18, it coincided with a General Election [this was the UK], my dad — an old-school, union-supporting Labour Party voter — instructed me on who I was to vote for. "Labour, Labour, Labour. Don't deviate", he insisted.

      I annoyed the hell out of him when I told him I'd voted Communist. He wouldn't talk to me for weeks.

      Of course the Communist Party in my part of the UK, rarely got more than 10% of the vote. Labour usually scored 70-75%. In fact, I think the Commies got more than the Tory shitheads that election.

      I really voted socialist [Labour] — in the days when the Labour Party was socialist.

      • sullivanst

        I got lucky. My first election was '97. Good times. I remember sitting in the student common room at college with another socialist from Enfield South when his result came in… he jumped from his chair in joy. Really good times.

    • bobbert

      I feel ya. For me, it was 1968. I'd say it was all downhill from there, but it actually started off downhill.

  • Lucidamente1

    Vote Judge Head: he cares about our precious bodily fluids.

    • mbobier

      General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenceau once said about war?
      Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: No, I don't think I do, sir, no.
      General Jack D. Ripper: He said war was too important to be left to the generals. When he said that, 50 years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.

      Just replace Communist with U.N., and the paranoia is pretty much identical.

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    Wait a minute… if Bammz has ceded control of the US to the UN, won't the US military be UN troops?

    Drone strike on Judge Head!

    • Generation[redacted]

      Then he'll be sorry he voted for all those increases in military spending, won't he?

      • I am waiting for this realization to dawn S-L-O-W-L-Y upon them.

  • thurufally

    You got his first name wrong. It's Dick. Dick Head.

    • Lucidamente1

      I thought it was "Poopy."

  • FakaktaSouth

    I swear I forget about the UN a lot until one of these folks reminds me to be afraid. United? What is that anyway? Some kind of "let's all work together" communist flim flam? No REAL American could ever support something that starts with the word United, could they?

    • PubOption

      There is that crappy airline.

    • emmelemm

      The number of fucks I give, on a yearly basis, about the U.N.: 0.

      I really, really, really don't get the wingnut fascination with it.

      • SpeedoFart

        It's the one world government! Herald of the end times! WHARGBL!

      • Biff

        Blue helmets, for fuck's sake!

        • emmelemm

          Green balloons!

          PS Your chicken is choking. You might want to give him a little breathing room. :)

  • elviouslyqueer

    It's a shame that Judge Head hasn't familiarized himself with the definition of "sedition."

    • bobbert

      It's not sedition in the CSA.

  • Just try resisting, Judge — after a quick little skirmish, Lubbock'll be part of the UN Collective, Vespucci Quadrant, Santa Ana Territory, and will be at the center of the planned Esperanto revival — yep, all the Lubbockites will be speaking an artificial language called "Hope," sipping fair-trade mocha lattes, attending churches where the Bibles will be replaced by Sunday readings from Howard Zinn and Richard Dawkins, and getting free weed with every abortion. Yee-haw!

    • doloras

      Mi, eksemple, bonvenigas niajn novajn unuiĝintajnaciajn gvidantojn.

      • sullivanst

        Bonan tagon, kiel vi fartas?

        • doloras

          Sufiĉe bone, dankon. Nun, kranfikado?

          • sullivanst

            Mi pardonpetas, jam pasis longa tempo ekde kiam mi lernis Esperanton kaj mi forgesis plej grandan parton de kion mi lernis. Kion signifas “kranfikado”?

    • docterry6973

      I call dibs on the arugula franchise.

    • sewollef

      Fuck me, SIWW…. I want to live there already. When's it start?

    • Sunday School will be replaced with Mandatory Race-Mixing!

  • "Judge Head?!" The UN troops guffawed. "Whatcha gonna do, suck us into a trap?!"

    • bobbert

      Now, that is refined snark.

  • hagajim

    I started laughing when I saw his name was Judge Head. Hahahahaha!

  • RedneckMuslin

    This is what happens when zombies take over.

  • stopthemovie

    Them there black choppers aint gonna shoot themselfs down dang nabitt !

    • rickmaci

      Moar tin foil hats, less fluoride in the water.

  • coolhandnuke

    Remember the book/movie "The Mouse That Roared?" I hope a drunken, ragtag militia from a European duchy invades, captures and rules Lubbock. But I wouldn't wish that misfortune on any duchy.

    • stopthemovie
      • You can pretty much get away with wishing ANYthing on THAT awful Douchey.

    • bobbert

      Judge Head: The Mouth That …

      No, Roared won't work. Puled? Meowed? Vomited Shit?

      Ah, fuckit, this isn't going anywhere/

    • to be fair, there is almost nothing a 'drunken, ragtag militia from a European duchy" wouldn't improve.

  • sudsmckenzie

    Dont worry Judge Head, we still have Chuck Norris.

  • YouBetcha

    Go ahead and lock yourself inside the bunker now, Tom. I'll let you know when it's safe to come out.

  • </head>


  • Wilcoxyz

    Lubbock, is that near Waco?

    • sewollef

      Next town over from Wacko.

      So, yes.

    • Negropolis

      Not in the physical sense, but I bet not too far in the metaphorical/metaphysical sense.

  • pdiddycornchips

    "“Now what’s going to happen if we do that, if the public decides to do that? He’s going to send in U.N. troops. I don’t want ‘em in Lubbock County. OK. So I’m going to stand in front of their armored personnel carrier and say ‘you’re not coming in here’."

    Has the judge thought of a defense yet for three hundred well armed Predator drones? No? I suspect that tiny tax increase will have to get a whole lot bigger.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      "We're gonna need more tin foil!"

      • And duct tape for the plastic on the windows. Threat level ORANGE.

  • Steverino247

    Ski Lubbock!

    • Biff

      Inside or outside the (newly-formed) crater?

  • DonnyKerabotsos

    This guy has been flogging the stupid since at least 2009:

    • docterry6973

      Why what a model of judicial temperament.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      At the same time, there were plenty of criminals that had supported Bush who then were starting to support McCain. They just happened to be be wearing 3-piece suits.

  • kittensdontlie

    Let's 'Forget the Alamo' and give Mexico all of Texas. Judge PotatoHead will long for the days when he could have fought the inocuous U.N. stormtroopers, and not the deadly drug cartels.

  • Graham Cracker

    Kinda make me want Obama to hand over American sovereignty to the United Nations, just to see Republicans vote for a tax increase.

  • But wouldn't a UN takeover be preferable to Obama?

    I mean at least white people would be ruling us, right???

    • Generation[redacted]

      Kofi Annan on line 3.

    • Oh, I *know* you were kidding.

      You were kidding, right?

      • That's right – the UN is run by foreigners!!!   Having the French run the country would be worse than Obama!!!!  :) 

        • No. Having French N****** run the country would be worse than Obama.

          • emmelemm


          • Did you hear that? Every time I try to say NI

          • doloras

            Did you see that? Something goes wrong when he tries to say "near"!

          • CLANG!

          • I'm sorry, wut? I couldn't hear you through this ringing in my ears.

    • Negropolis

      Ban Ki-moon libel!

  • metamarcisf

    And that goes double for the Judge's brother, Richard.

  • RedneckMuslin


  • metamarcisf

    Judge Head is also working with Mitt Romney to bring the 2022 Winter Olympics to West Texas.

    • Terry

      The ski jumping should be entertaining. Perhaps they'll prop it up on an old drilling rig.

    • Biff

      Until everyone gets accidentally shot by Claudine Longet!
      RIP to my friend Spider Sabich…

  • SexySmurf

    When asked what law gave him the authority to do that, Judge Head replied, "I am the law!"

    • Fox E. Puppet

      That didn't look like Philip Oakey?

    • emmelemm

      Oh yeah? Well:

      I AM THE LAW!

      • Fox E. Puppet

        Oh, yeah?
        I AM THE LAW also, too…

        ETA: So it still doesn't look like Philip Oakey, but it sounds like him…

    • viennawoods13
    • Tundra Grifter

      Is Lubbock west of the Pecos?

    • Oh, gee, I thought Joe Arpaio was the law. Where should I surrender?

    • sullivanst

      Well, they do say "the law is an ass"

  • Generation[redacted]

    I have to get started on my screenplay, Red Dawn III. Tagline: The President is darkest before the dawn.

    • sudsmckenzie


  • Not only that, but he ruined the Monkees' career.

    • I saw Head when it came out and expected tripe. I remember being surprisingly impressed with it.

    • Jack Nicholson libel!

    • rocktonsam

      I loved the scene were the boys walked in to a dinner and the waitress said

      "well if it isn't God's gift to the eight year olds."


  • coolhandnuke

    Not to burst Judge Head's Lubbock pride and hubris bubble, but I have read the Obama/U.N Invasion Manual and I'm sorry to report Judge that Lubbock is #4,629 on the list of U.S cities they will conquer. On the bright side Judge, you finished ahead of three ghost towns in Nevada and one meth village in West Virginia.

    • Bring the whole family to West Virginia Meth Village!® Explore the friendly, open meth laboratories, and enjoy a sample of the Meth Artisans' wares! Twice daily, staged Meth War Shootouts enliven your visit with the crackle of automatic gunfire! Come for the daily Meth-Head Idiot Shenanigans performed right on the Village sidewalks! And stay for the festive nightly lab explosion!

      • coolhandnuke

        National Lampoon's "Breaking Bad Vacation."

        • Ha!

        • Negropolis

          New Mexico really isn't all that different from West Virginia.

    • sullivanst

      Wasilla libel!

  • AddHomonym

    I don't get it. Does it go like this?

    1. Obama does UN takeover
    2. Wingnuts furious, begin civil unrest
    3. Obama responds with UN takeover

    It's like Obama has only the one tool, or something.

    • 4. Wingnuts furious, begin civil unrest
      5. Obama responds with UN takeover
      6. Wingnuts furious, begin civil unrest
      7. Obama responds with UN takeover
      8. Wingnuts furious, begin civil unrest
      9. Obama responds with UN takeover
      10. Wingnuts furious, begin civil unrest
      11. Obama responds with UN takeover
      12. Wingnuts furious, begin civil unrest
      13. Obama responds with UN takeover
      14. Wingnuts furious, begin civil unrest
      15. Obama responds with UN takeover
      16. Wingnuts furious, begin civil unrest
      17. Obama responds with UN takeover
      18. Wingnuts furious, begin civil unrest
      19. Obama responds with UN takeover
      20. Wingnuts furious, begin civil unrest


      • Yaknow, ya coulda just gone with LOOP.

        • GunToting[Redacted]

          20 GOTO 10

          • Yeah.

          • BarackMyWorld


          • sullivanst

            I C your BASIC and raise you while(1) { … }

          • Better LOOP than BASIC anyway.

        • Biff

          But where is
          ??? and
          profit!!! ?

          • (drops to knees, starts searching under furniture)

      • bobbert

        When all you have is a UN takeover, everything looks like wingnut civil unrest.

    • comrad_darkness

      No, but this guy has only one fear circuit and it keeps firing because of that shorted wiring.

    • Fox E. Puppet

      Yeah, he only has the one tool. Think it's not up to the job???

    • Negropolis

      Something something profit!

  • Zombie_Reagan

    What is this I don't even….

  • Judge Head and Farmer Knigge–is today an episode of Dukes of Hazzard?

    • Tundra Grifter

      With Jessica Cutler in her Daisy Dukes.

    • bobbert

      Knigge/Head for TX Gov 2012

      • I know just the wooded retreat where they can plot campaign strategy.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Pffft. No.

    As long as UN troops can hold Austin and surrounding areas, we'll have all the fine barbecue our bureaucrats can eat!

    • Beowoof

      Yeah Stubbs

  • a_pink_poodle

    This is going to be the best election cycle EVER!

    God bless us, every one!

  • Wolverines!!!

  • Nostrildamus

    “I’m thinking the worst."


    • emmelemm

      I buhleeve we call that a "self-fulfillin' prophecy."

  • Toomush_Infer

    This successful life we're livin's got us feudin' like the Hatfields and McCoys….how do they select judges in Lubbock, again?….

    • Chichikovovich

      You're thinking of Luckenbach, Texas, dammit! They had Waylon and Willie and the boys! And, apparently, our own BaldarTFlagass sometimes, as I recall.

      Lubbock's just got hundreds of thousands of the kinds of people who would elect Judge Head.

      Edit: I just saw zippy-the-pinhead's post below. So Delbert came from Lubbock, eh? OK, the place can't be all bad.

  • I've read a bit of pre- and post- Civil War history, and a common refrain in the South was "They're going to make us white folk the slaves!" I've always taken this as a hyperbolic metaphor, but now I wonder if they've always been this detached from reality.

    • PsycWench

      You don't have to go back to the Civil War; the Civil Rights Act produced a similar response.

      • glasspusher

        It must be terrible, those folks living in constant fear of having the tables turned on them.

      • That is always the refrain. "If the blacks take charge, they'll do to us what we did to them!!" White ethnics in Chicago said the same thing when Harold Washington was running for Mayor. (Yes, believe it or not, there were 5, count 'em, 5 Mayors between Daley I & II, one of them the first black mayor of Chicago! And the white Aldermen pulled the same shit on him that Congress has pulled on Obama.)

        • Did you read Ta-Nehisi Coates' brilliant, bitter piece in the Atlantic yesterday?

    • Negropolis

      The only reason someone would think that is if they are feeling guilty, and even then, it doesn't make any sense. The only thing slaves ever wanted was to be made whole –or as whole as you can after having had your culture hollowed out and practically destroyed — and a fair shot as promised to them by the laws of the new nation. Revenge takes up too much energy and time.

      • Exactly. It's ALL about THEM as usual, and THEIR guilt, and THEIR nightmares from being total fucking monsters to other people for centuries.

        That's why the huge RWNJ pushback against "liberal white guilt." Some day white folks will figure out that what all the OTHER people in the world want is to be left the fuck alone.

    • Fox E. Puppet

      I thought the worry was that they're gonna make the white folks less white.

      • HistoriCat

        I thought it was the fear that the white women would abandon the white men and they would be left with no one to make sexy-times with.

        • Like white men aren't the leading source of rapey complaints by cullud wimmenz.

  • Why would the UN want Lubbock County?

    Same fucking plot hole as Red Dawn. Once the Reds, Commie Nazis, Rooshins, Red Chinese UN Troops control the coasts, who the fuck wants to drive deep into the pan handle where the fat dipshits live?

    • coolhandnuke

      They're borrowing a page from Sun Tzu's "Art of War"…"invade,conquer and control the panhandle so you can turn up the heat and fry the dipshits in the pan."

      • bobbert

        It's a cookbook!!!!

    • Tundra Grifter

      Well, Hitler went into the Ukraine looking for wheat and oil. Stalin had treated those farmers so poorly the German army was welcomed as liberators.

      After they went through and the mop-up squads followed – "troops" recruited from prisons and insane asylums – those folks figured maybe Uncle Joe wasn't so bad after all.

      • Hitler dreamed of a German empire that would have the Slavic untermenschen as one of its underpinnings, to provide labour. During WW II when Russian soldiers were taken prisoner, they were told it was their destiny to be slaves of the German Reich, and that even their name, "Slav," was indicative of their destiny.

  • Barrelhse

    Tom's Head esplodes!

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    I'm pretty sure Buddy Holly was the last decent thing to come out of Lubbock…

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      (with all due respect for Delbert McClinton, Joe Ely, etc)

      • under_score

        Don't forget Natalie "I'm ashamed the President is from Texas" Maines!

        • zippy_w_pinhead

          almost included her, there's actually a ton of great musicians connected to Lubbock

      • unclejeems

        Naw, that woulda been John Denver when he dropped out of Texas Tech.

  • under_score

    He's really and truly convinced this is what could actually happen. He's just planning for worst-case scenario, as any responsible civil servant would do.

    You all must watch the video and enjoy the smirking TV anchor dude, who must have known he'd be on a million 'puter screens the next day.

    The esteemed Judge Head has also provided public service warnings, to help the reg'lar folks avoid criminal-types. Check out what once he had on his courtroom office bulletin board.

    Yep. Hotbed o'crazy, I'm telling ya.

  • no_gravity

    And he's the sane one in Texas.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Oh for fuck's sake.

  • Limeylizzie

    Tom Head? Nah that's Dick Head.

  • Antispandex

    Thank GOD we can count on the courts, and it's officers, to maintain order and not act irrationally. The calming influence of the judiciary is one of the things that maintains a balance of powers in the U.S. of A. I read it in school.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Did he make these comments from the County Mental Hospital or the State Lunatic Asylum?

    • zippy_w_pinhead


  • Native_of_SL_UT

    Dudes gonna need a lot more money than that to build a nuclear shield,

  • The chair is against the wall. Judge's Head is up his ass.

  • rickmaci

    Q: What do you call the village idiot in Texas?
    A: Judge.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Or Governor. Twice.

    • Or a president on vacation.

  • owhatever

    As a colonel in the UN American-Invasion Quick Reaction Force, I can set the judge's worries to rest. Lubbock isn't too high on our list of places to conquer. Only after we finish off Washington, New York, Los Angeles, Dallas, Miami, San Diego, Seattle, Philadelphia, etc., will we assign an Islamist squad to go down there and kick his ass. They won't want to go, because who in their right mind wants to go to Lubbock? But they have to because Obama ordered it.

  • Trained personnel to "back" you? Yeah, Sparky, like you're gonna be up front. There might be a reason dudes volunteer to stand behind you locked and loaded, and it probably doesn't have to do with secession.

    • Actually, he IS going to be up front. Because all his doodz will do like we've always done in the army when some fruit-salad cowboy calls for volunteers: take one LONG step back. Whoever's left in front gets to go shovel shit.

  • barto

    Well you know what they say, "Lubbock or leabbit", we guess.

  • rickmaci

    And what exactly would be wrong if Obama turned over sovereignty of Texas. Say to Mexico for some oilz? I'm not seeing the problem. The cumulative IQ of Americas goes up at least 10 points.

  • shelwood46

    I'd like to think that what the Sheriff meant was, "You'd like to give me a massive budget increase for personnel and equipment [under breath] for something that will never happen[/under breath]? Sure, I'll back you." Then i remembered we're talking about Lubbock, TX, and I realized, no, he really meant, "I'll back you in the UN takeover that is definitely happening." Sigh.

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    civil defense featuring the Ronald Reagan Memorial Star Wars anti U.N. array

  • OneYieldRegular

    Take my advice, Judge Head, and start building a huge dang fence around Lubbock County to keep them United Nationses out. Make sure it's airtight.

    • And yes, you can give the contract to your friends and relatives.

    • Biff

      Then can we fill it with water?

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    The US fought a war with Mexico over Texas, right?

    Seems like the US lost.

    • Sometimes, winning *is* losing.

  • What the hell is on his face?
    I have cleaned my screen, and it's still there!
    (I'm easily distracted today.)

    Texas. Ugh.

  • jesus_vs_gojira

    AP: "The British government has learned that Judge Tom Head of Lubbock, Texas, recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa."

    • "Judge Head determined to strike inside U.S."

      • "We don't want the smoking gun to be a smoking brisket!"

        • Fox E. Puppet

          We don't?

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    Dear Jim, I just wanted to write and formally protest that I have yet to receive my official Wonketteer Ears. Please let me know when they are on the way. It is, after all, anything can happen Wednesday

  • GeorgiaBurning

    What ever else happens to the rest of Lubbock, all Rosa's Tortilla Factory locations need to be declared safe zones. Whataburger? Nuke 'em.

    • jqheywood

      But Whataburger is what a burger should be . . .

  • An_Outhouse

    pre emptive secession seems like a good strategy. sorry texas but you elect idiots

    • bobbert

      Can we secede from them?

  • "So I’m going to stand in front of their armored personnel carrier and say ‘you’re not coming in here’. "

    Didn't Michael Steele claim he was gonna do that, stand out in the middle of the tracks and stop the runaway train of healthcare? At least until someone pointed out to him what those goddamn cow-catchers on the front of trains are for?

    • HistoriCat

      What was that NY Times headline? "Train hits cow on track, kills dog and Negro"? I'm sure I have that wrong.

      • Does the Gray Lady refer to the KneeGrow in such terms? I dunno. If a train had hit Michael Steele, it would've killed a running dog.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Does "U.N." stand for "Uppity N*****" in this instance?

    • Undoubtedly, my friend.

    • Just this once. It's not a pattern or anything.

  • An_Outhouse

    give it to canada.they want to send their oil there,anyway.its cheaper than invadig them.

  • I heard this audio earlier on NPR. I especially enjoyed the Fox stenographer repeatedly saying "Un huh, uh huh, yes, yes, uh huh, sure, okay, yes, uh huh, uh huh" to every insane wingnutty sentence this judge uttered.

    That's good fascism, Texas.

    • zwoits

      me too…hilarious interview…

  • comrad_darkness

    What a bunch of fucking loons.

    Meanwhile the bankers and Romney and his cronies just took off with another billion in taxpayer giveaways, just in the last fucking day.

  • carolinaswamp

    People who work for the UN are mostly well travelled — Paris, Vienna, London, Shanghai, Capetown. I really don't see them being in a hurry to occupy Lubbock.

  • Someone just got a whole new FBI file.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Oh, I'm sure the Right Honorable Head already has a large one. Maybe they needed to add a second drawer.

    • Negropolis

      It'd be nice if he'd been given a whole new CIA file, 'cause those fuckers are far more brutal.

      • I dunno, Hannity didn't think waterboarding was a big deal at all and said he'd be waterboarded for charity. But then he never did actually get waterboarded and doesn't want to talk about that anymore. What a world.

        • bobbert

          Honestly, how does any macho right-winger give baby-Sean any credibility after that wuss-out? I do think he's lost a bit of traction because of it. On the unfortunately not that infrequent occasions when an interlocutor brings up something baby-Sean has said, I respond by asking if he ever got waterboarded, and that at least shuts 'em up.

  • Terry

    I think he's been sampling the drugs in the evidence room.

  • Tundra Grifter

    After Hitler came to power and began to take over Europe, before England joined the war elements of His Majesty's Government planned an armed resistance campaign both on the Continent and on their island, if it came to that.

    The one thing these wise people didn't do amid all that planning and other preparation was announce to the world what they were up to.

  • comrad_darkness

    He looks like a young Boss Hogg, doesn't he? Tell me it's not just me, someone.

    Wait, not Hogg, his deputy. Sherriff Roscoe P Coltrane.

  • C_R_Trogloraptor


  • The biggest joke of all is that a bunch of cops and "patriots" could hold off the US Military (or any modern military) for more than about 3 seconds.

    This is more than just aimin' them shoot'n sticks at each other….

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      Three seconds? That's generous.

      Coupla cruise missiles lobbed from an offshore nuke sub, or one little airstrike carried out by a cessna would probably do for them.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      This really is a fact lost on the average militia moron, isn't it? Sure, those Chinese AK-47 variants and AR-15 clones will do great when they ring the town with M109 Paladin mobile howitzers and level the area.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Hell, the SLA couldn't hold off the LAPD. I remember seeing that one on tv and witnesses kept saying "This is just like Viet Nam." Without the rice paddys and good looking young ladies, of course. And the French cuisine.

    • sullivanst

      Well, he didn't say the US or any modern military, he said UN troops. So, my money would be on any local PD in the US to be better armed than a UN "force".

  • MosesInvests

    Nanci Griffith talks about her Aunt Tootie, who lives "…close to Lubbock, but not *too* close to Lubbock. Nobody wants to live *too* close to Lubbock."

  • They should name a hurricane after this guy!

    With apologies to the cool and nice people and animals and plants from there, "Nuke Lubbock" has a nice ring to it.

  • Isyaignert

    I think Janice Joplin once said that Port Arthur, Texas (her hometown) was the @sshole of America and Lubbock was 20 miles up it.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Don't believe these lying Wonketeers who tell you that Lubbock is too far down the list, nobody wants the fuckin shithole. I have been on a secret double- secret ops U.N. double spy secret mission this afternoon, and I can tell you that the

    • docterry6973

      I might be in Lubbock right now, sitting next to some American jackel and just waiting for Commander Soros to order me into action. Just might be.

      • Blueb4sinrise


    • Steverino247

      Yes! Take action! Expose your genitals to the suspected infiltrator. If they smile, they're not with the U.N.

  • Judge Head Decides Oral Fixation is Too Difficult

  • littlebigdaddy

    She never lost her head even when she was giving head….

    • jqheywood

      So I said "Hey, Babe, take a walk on the wild side…"

      • bobbert

        And the colored girls sing …

  • glasspusher

    Paranoia and delusions of grandeur? Check.

  • That video is priceless, it could only be better if two guys in white suits came out with a straight-jacket and just calmly started fitting and adjusting it on him while he kept up the crazy talk.

    • Fox E. Puppet

      Do you suppose that megalomaniacs insist their padded cells be done in gold lamé?

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      even the butterfly nets are bigger in Texas

  • fishwharf

    Another Texan we can all be proud of:

  • OT: Rachel Maddow's top story tonight consisted of ripping off the last 2 days of Wonkette posts, under the completely original title, "A Child’s Treasury of Politicians Refusing to Answer Very Simple Questions."

    • rocktonsam

      I've noticed that too, so does Steph,probably , still love em both and would so ghey marry them if i was girl

    • Steverino247

      Chet, didn't you get your check from MSNBC? The rest of us did.

      • zippy_w_pinhead

        yeah, but mine bounced…

    • that is one of the problems with the wonkettes. we get the good stuff way ahead of time (most recently the akin crap). it makes even jon stewart seem stale.

      the price of genius i guess.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      Using that title is pretty damn close to a shout-out to Our Wonkete, I'd say.

      • Negropolis

        That was exactly my thought. More of an homage than a rip-off, a not so subtle wink and nod.

      • I smoked some pork chops with Wonkete wood chips last weekend. Didn't work too well; chops were too tough and snarky.

        • zippy_w_pinhead

          you may have smoked them, but did you inhale?

      • Zango Crudmonger

        Wonkette, winning the internets everywhere.

  • rocktonsam

    what does head judge?

    fingers crossed for wet tee-shirt contests or tractor pulls

    • bobbert


  • Fox E. Puppet

    A little Head Music for anyone who might like some…

    • Or …

      Transmit the message, to the receiver,
      hope for an answer some day
      I got three passports, a couple of visas,
      don't even know my real name
      High on a hillside, the trucks are loading,
      everything's ready to roll
      I sleep in the daytime, I work in the nightime,
      I might not ever get home

      • Fox E. Puppet

        I like them Heads that Talk…

  • Warpde

    This logic needs smore…….beers.

  • cheetojeebus

    Akins gush has freed a bunch of these nuts to let loose. A Sheriff's candidate in NH is now saying if elected he'll use deadly force to prevent abortions. uh…terrific?

    • Tundra Grifter

      "Unclear On the Concept" No. 42963.

    • The guy, Szabo, describes having a picture of his daughter when she was "8 cells old". Wow… just fucking nuts.

      • bobbert

        Also impossible, unless she was in a Petri dish.

        • It was through IVF. Still, referring to some cells as "your daughter" is fucking insane (but par for the conservative nutbag course).

          • bobbert

            As I understand IVF, they start off a number of sperm-ovum pairs, and select out the most viable blastula (or whatever it is). Does he have pictures of the rejected siblings, I wonder?

          • He probably named them and saved the Petri dishes. Instead of Fetus in a Jar, it's Cells in a Dish.

          • bobbert

            I can almost visualize the cuddling.

    • Negropolis

      I think the NH sheriff candidate forgot the "Live free" part of the "Live Free or Die." state motto.

  • bobbert

    More like the Asshole Capital of the World.

  • Negropolis

    Let's be clear, not even the fine citizens of Lubbock want to be in Lubbock. Talk about a lonely riot. Don't flatter yourself, judge.

  • BZ1

    Apparently Judge Head also has to deal with mental capacity cases, don't know how.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Back in '51 Lubbock became famous when strange lights (called "Lubbock Lights") appeared over the town. Some said they were USAF planes being tested. Others said they were birds ("plovers"). Others, more knowledgeable about such things, swore that they were extraterrestrial.

    By any chance did the Head family suddenly appear in Lubbock at about that time?

  • Sparky McGruff


  • RadioBowels

    This is Grover Norquist Treason!
    Um, actually, it's just treason.

  • i bet this guy hangs out with nadine.

    • HistoriCat

      You know, nadine was before my time but it sounds like her name should be spoken in hushed tones of quiet, reverential horror.

      • nadine was epic. just epic. (and perhaps we regarded her less with reverential horror and more with reverential awe: sheer, inspirational, mind-bending lunacy)

        here is a sample:

        and if you do not feel like time-traveling, here is just a single beautiful paragraph:

        This is what they have been doing nonstop since 2004, undermining me with this technology and then telling everyone I’m not strong enough. This is exactly what domestic violence terrorists do, they force you into dependency and trap you in their battering downward spiral of hate. Oprah’s right, we need a MAJOR LEAGUE INTERVENTION. I woke up with symptoms of the flu on Sunday morning and I’m sure it was planted somewhere by the termites who use surveillance to terrorize instead of protect, under order from the “absolute power only” option terrorists in the executive branch. I am sorry if I am not wording things well, but I am very sick and I am a human being and not a robot. That is the whole point here, we are all human beings and we should be stopping lying criminals and their lawyers from this obstruction of justice using robots as the new standard. In God we trust, and lawyers want to pretend they are God, and so do Bush and Cheney, but they are vampires of the public trust and we need to do a reality check through the Office of Special Counsel with a major league intervention.

        i miss nadine.

        • HistoriCat

          Thanks! You just can't fake that level of crazy.

  • subsum

    First Michele Bachmann, then Todd Akin and now this dude. It looks like they're really trying to make it hard for poor Mittens to look good on his coming out party. Who's going to be next?

    • Fox E. Puppet


  • I thought the U.N. was useless and incompetent. How are they going to takeover the U.S.?

    • I assume you can hire people for that.

    • bobbert

      Black Helicopters. Scary Black Helicopters.

      And, apparently, APCs, although that's a new one on me..

    • RadioBowels

      I know, let's ask John Bolton.

      • Negropolis

        Nah, let's try Michael Bolton.

    • Fox E. Puppet

      The fluoride in the water will incapacitate all Real Americans at the time Mittens has scheduled the Mormon Conquest.

    • Same way Obama is Jimmy Carter II, but also Satan Stalin.
      Same way the Mexicans are lazy freeloaders stealing all our jobs.

  • bobbert

    So, the Judge, Rep Akin, and Steve King are forming a band:

    Big Head Todd and the Monster.

  • billy_reuben

    He looks like a character from a Devo video — maybe Booji Boy's male prostitute uncle?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    "Imagine the sight of a bunch of wingnuts camping out in the streets of Lubbock, Texas, with their gubmint guns, for weeks, waiting for U.N. shock troops to descend on the town, waiting, waiting… "

    And the signs they would carry, the glorious misspelled signs! Can't wait.

    • bobbert

      Lubbock Giant Pussy!!!

  • OKthennext

    Some kind of wormhole must have opened in the universe because much of the comment thread on the source article at – makes sense. Like, that Judge Head get his head examined by the mental competency hearing committee. Even the Lubbockites are begging for mercy.

    • Fox E. Puppet

      How dare that wacko suggest I pay moar taxes!!!1!

  • Schmegeg

    How about when Obama is reelected, we come on down thea and arrest your ass for treason.

  • YasserArraFeck

    Wait a minute People. This isn't some local yokel from East Bumfuck TX. This guy's a lawyer and jurist with a deep understanding of US and international law………ah, fuck, who am I kidding?…….

  • The Wonkville thingy isn't working for me, but here's a good one (at least for stock photos, Beccs):

  • lulzmonger

    Did I just hear a member of Gog's Own Party say "Tax INCREASE"?!?!?!???
    Pull your damned insurrection up by its own jackbootstraps, man!
    What are you, a fucking SOCIALIST????/////?

  • unclejeems

    Yeah, the county judge in Texas is actually the elected county administrator. He does have a few basic judicial duties, too. The thing is, there aren't any qualifications for the job. S/he doesn't have to have a law degree. There's probably a minimum age limit, and some rule about mental competency. And I'm really starting to wonder about that last one.

  • Troubledog

    As if there aren't enough reasons to remain far from Texas my god people how do you live there?

  • Negropolis

    OT: Anyone notice that "Paul Ryan's black ex" was trending on Yahoo! (yes, I'm the Yahoo user) a few hours ago?

    Also, on topic, Head case, Fucked in the Head, giving bad Head, and other jokes such as. Too. Tambien.

  • dennis1943

    Time for a real discussion about mental health issues………..

  • From the comments at Fox34:

    "Sorry to break this to most of you but what he said has already been discussed at length with the Secretary of State, and is part of something called Agenda 21. It's a U.N. mandate seeking to "share" the United States with the rest of the world. Sad thing is, you all assume he's a nut because YOU don't know what your own government is up to. For the record, I've seen the FEMA camps first hand and have trained with the soldiers whose job it is to make this transition happen, whether you want it to or not. Any of you who think it won't happen, stay asleep. It'll all be over by the time you wake up and you won't have to have chosen sides or fought like our forefathers did. You can just wake up and already be the first slave society of the new world order. Again, if you WANT to know, it's all there. All you have to do is google Agenda 21, FEMA camps, U.N. troops in America and look into why Jesse Ventura's "Police State" segment of "Conspiracy Theory" is being erased digitally from DVR's and even the internet, all over this country after trying to tell people about this very subject. Good luck. We're all going to need it. "

    • Nesnora

      And when it doesn't happen, they'll invent an even more colorful story about the small town heroes that secretly prevented this, and how the lamestream media refused to report it.

      I'm convinced this is just a huge LARP campaign.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    The early onset dementia is strong with this one.

  • Calapine

    God, I hope that UN Takeover happens.

    Lubbock County Sheriff Dep. vs 101st Airborne
    Redneck Hillbillies Militia vs Légion étrangère

    LIVE on TV…I'd pay to see that!

  • ahnc

    When is Texas going to stop messing with the US?

  • glamourdammerung

    Nothing a drone strike would not fix.

  • Misty Malarky

    Do we all get to wear a blue hat?

  • Ruhe

    Perhaps the Judge has a brother or uncle in the ammunition supply business.

  • scorpy1

    So I’m going to stand in front of their armored personnel carrier and say ‘you’re not coming in here’

    What kind of PATRIOT looks to the Chinese for inspiration?

  • midnighttoker69

    I'd bet my last dollar that Judge Head has at least one family member named Richard. Maybe it's his middle name … but there's no way he's the only DickHead in the family, or in Lubbock for that matter.

    "Lubbock's got some good folks in it, but they all dead" … Billy Joe Shaver

  • elgin_pelican

    "Don't Bother With Texas"

  • JohnyEdge

    Lockhart, Texas is the BBQ capital of the world. Lubbock can go, but if Lockhart trries to secede, then it's WAR!

  • ttommyunger

    Empty wagon always makes the most noise.

  • slongo

    God damn it, Texas.

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