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Louisiana Thinks Funding School Run By ‘Apostle And Prophet’ Is Somehow Constitutional

Jesus already forgot his locker combinationLouisiana’s exciting experiment in public-school vouchers is steaming forward, providing parents and children with educational excellence and traditional values, hooray! But that’s not all! It’s also an excellent lesson in how the free market can improve education, by taking taxpayer funds from the wasteful public schools and handing it to efficient private schools run by religious loons, just the way Real America wants. Among the 119 voucher schools approved so far is New Orleans’ Light City Christian Academy, founded and run by Apostle Leonard Lucas.

The state’s voucher program will be sending this gentleman, who “walks in the fullness of his calling and wears the mantle of an Apostle and Prophet,” some $364,000 to educate 80 students. You know it’s a good school because it has an educational philosophy and everything!

The Academy is a close-knit school embracing a community concept wherein the “whold” child is attended to spiritually, morally and intellectually.

Parents of whold children should find this an exciting opportunity! Strangely enough, some people are skeptical about Light City Christian Academy’s claims to educational excellence. This may be because they Hate Jesus. On the other hand, it could also have something to do with these bloggers’ observations that Apostle Lucas operates some two dozen nonprofit organizations, several of which seem to be … well, maybe just a little scammy, what with the Louisiana Secretary of State listing them as “Not in Good Standing.”

Or maybe it’s just math: Light City Christian Academy claims “a 90% success rate of our graduates continuing higher studies in Universities across the state,” but with total K-12 enrollments from 2008 to today ranging between only 35 and 53 students a year, this may not be an overwhelming record of achievement:

What does this actually mean? 90% of its dozen or so graduates have taken at least one college course in Louisiana?

The good news for Apostle Lucas is that, going forward, his school simply needs to achieve “at least a state-issued grade of D-minus” to continue to accept school vouchers. That kind of competition should make the godless government schools improve their performance!

[TPM]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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144 comments

  1. Riggsveda

    Oh, Doktor…if you could only get your head out of the false memories of American education's Golden Age, when children were taught "facts", and "science", and every child had a tidy collection of vocabulary words to learn to use in complete sentences for extra credit. Oh, Doktor…our kids are so truly and totally fucked.

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Yes, and they also imply that science was better before it you know…knew stuff. Before technology and brilliant minds puzzled out things like evolution or medical science grew from "leeches is good to suck out demon infestay-tionz!" or even continental drift which also threatens god…the point is, wingnuts consider science as being sound back in the early-mid 19th century when white people still thought black people came from apes and womens was still mor-rral evils.

  2. OzoneTom

    "90% success rate of our graduates continuing higher studies in Universities across the state"

    Though for some odd reason (bigotry? socialism?) none have been able to attend a single class in other states, even Texas or Mississippi.

    If they would only stop denying jeezus and the loch ness monster in those heathen lands.

    1. sullivanst

      Strange. You'd think Bob Jones and Liberty would be falling over themselves to recruit students of this caliber…

  3. Blunderthing

    If you complete 12 years with this bogus type of schooling you are issued a "Walks On Water" certificate. If you continue to attend the "Kollege", after four years, you reach "Acension" status. Something you should always mention in job interviews. "Would you like salvation with that?" is frowned upon, though, at the jobs you will eventually end up with after 16 years of going to Voodoo Academies.

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Sounds more like graduating from World of Warcraft U or something…only that would cause less detrimental idiocy. By the way, I can't wait until Jindal Kenneth the pages over to Loch Ness to set charges to try and blow Nessie out of the water, making local druids cast a protection spell to protect their underwater ally. That shit would be tighter than the original Clash of the Titans, especially when Braveheart resurrects to kick Bobby J's ass.

  4. Rotundo_

    If one was totally amoral and had a knack for spitting out bible verses on cue, one could make a real killing in the education for profit (prophet?) sector. Pump their little noggins full of love for the Lord and precious little else and turn them loose in the world, illiterate and confused, but loving Jebus to death and rock the state for a tidy sum for doing so. Nice work if you have no ethics, morals or humanity.

    1. new_pic_for_NEWTer

      See my post below. If the criteria for a successful, i.e., money making school is a D minus issued by some Louisiana educrat that could probably be bought off with some cheap bourbon, why that is a business-fucking-opportunity, fo shizzle.

      1. Negropolis

        See my post below. If the criteria for a successful, i.e., money making school is a D minus issued by some Louisiana educrat that could probably be bought off with some cheap bourbon

        ROTFLMAO! It's funny 'cause it's true.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Assuming that the state has some number of normal adults left, with full complements of brain cells and teeth, there ought to be growing demand for actually-good private schooling.

      Although you might not be able to get those sweet state munniez — any school that proposes to teach actual-factual science things, like evolution, might run into the same not-jeebusy-enough objections as that would-be Islamic school did.

  5. mavenmaven

    Yes, but their admission rate to Heaven might well be very competitive, and what's more important?

  6. IonaTrailer

    Bobby Jindal gave this "school" something like $700,000. Lucas' announcement that he planned to run for City Council was riddled with grammatical errors. This Christian school, according to Lucas’ website, is “a community concept wherein the ‘whold’ child is attended to spiritually, morally and intellectually.”

    1. miss_grundy

      What the heck is a "whold" child? Is it a "withholding"???? Pretty soon the only reason to go to Louisiana will be for the food but only if people there are able to read the recipes, so they can find the ingredients to add to the pot.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'm officially snarkless.
      The whole fucking state is morally bankrupt — it needs to be put under Federal supervision, like one of those financially-bankrupt cities, before it turns into an all-out theocracy.
      This is what the GOP has in mind for the whole U.S. of fucking A., and the Bush-appointed assholes on the Supreme Court would gladly let it happen.

  7. new_pic_for_NEWTer

    I would go to the great state of where True Blood is and start a scam religious charter school and get rich off of the sweet, sweet voucher money too, except that I'm an atheist and I have a shred of dignity (just enough to keep me poor – Canadian poor, not American poor, so I'll be fine but thanks anyway for worrying) and I'm afraid of Americans.

    1. Negropolis

      It's a child whose been touched in his or her bathing suit area by one of the school "Apostles".

  8. JustPixelz

    The day is fast approaching where a doctor's foreign accent is more reassuring than a Southern accent.

  9. IonaTrailer

    And then there's the Delhi Charter School, that demands girls take pregnancy tests and be barred from skool if they get preggers. Nice.

  10. Dashboard Buddha

    Between this and Rush Limpdick's comments about Hurricane Issac being Obama's fault, I am completely unable to make a funny.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Who told Rush Limprick about the UN weather machine? We are so close. Lubbock is almost dry enough to invade now.

    2. Callyson

      I thought you were kidding…

      LIMBAUGH: So we got a hurricane coming. The National Hurricane Center, which is a government agency, is very hopeful that the hurricane gets near Tampa. The National Hurricane Center is Obama. It’s the National Weather Service, part of the commerce department. It’s Obama. The media, it’s all about the hurricane hitting next week, and they’re not talking about Biden, they’re talking about this Hurricane Isaac thing.

      http://www.politicususa.com/rush-limbaugh-claims-

      Rush, go take some oxycontin and STFU, please…

      1. Generation[redacted]

        Ha ha. He's right. Nobody should be talking about the hurricane heading for Tampa right now. Shhh! Don't tell you-know-who about the you-know-what.

      2. TootsStansbury

        Oh shambling zombie Jesus H. The NHC have been sampling the ridge that will determine the direction of Isaac all afternoon; for better input into the modeling, probably for reasons to do with something stupid like public safety and all that. Rush Limbaugh is such an odious cunt.

      1. An_Outhouse

        Why isn't Satan ever blamed? I thought evil in this world was real and walks on two feet. Its always God this and God that.

    3. miss_grundy

      I'd like to see Hurricane Isaac hit Limbaugh's compound in Florida, where he has his radio studio. If it could take him while he's in it and drop him in the Atlantic in the midst of a shark school or a barracuda school, I would be very happy.

  11. Goonemeritus

    As long as he teaching good Christen based math and science I’m happy. Of course that maybe because my family and friends have had the good sense to settle above the Bible belt and their competition in the Sunbelt will be doorknob lickers.

  12. JustPixelz

    Our global economic competitors are looking for ways to get more math and science in their classrooms. In America — particularly the South it seems — we are pushing those things out to make room for more prayer and Jeebus and creationism.

    1. ChapterUndVerse

      How else are the Republicans going to ensure that red states stay red? A real math education would be political suicide.

  13. WhatTheHeck

    Lookeehere Doktor. Jesus did not ride the bus to school because all the kids made fun of his robes as it was impossible to give him a wedge.
    He had to ride a donkey to school.
    Wait. The bible says he had a poor attendance record during his school years.

    The lesson for today: stay out of school.

    1. doloras

      The Apocryphal Infancy Gospels clearly state that not only did Jesus go to school, He misused his divine powers to smite dead his teacher and classmates when they got on his nerves. But because he was the Son of God, he repented and brought them back to life.

  14. Callyson

    the “whold” child is attended to spiritually, morally and intellectually

    Um, is it just me, or does this sound like something out of the Jerry Sandusky Academy? Eew…

    1. sewollef

      Or even the Monty Python School of Righteous Teaching, [aka, What Have The Romans Ever Done For Us Academy]

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      I'm surprised he doesn't call himself by his full title: The Dr. Reverend Deacon Prophet Apostle Lucas.

  15. mormos

    Why must you heathens persecute these good christian folk who just believe in traditional values (like ignorance). Everyone has to believe in somerhing; i, for instance, believe i'll have another beer.

  16. AncienReggie

    This would all be so hilarious were it not so utterly terrifying.

    Won't somebody think about the children?

  17. IonaTrailer

    "Lucas, who refers to himself as "Apostle," suffered great personal losses during Katrina. His brother, Gregory, drowned during the storm. He also lost his home and his church, both in the Lower 9th Ward. His church became a hub of activity for volunteers from across the country, but he took some heat when he claimed a series of eyebrow-raising accomplishments, including organizing the rescue of more than 1,000 residents, gutting more than 1,000 homes, businesses and churches, and bringing back more than 2,000 residents to work in jobs that paid $1,500 to $2,000 a week."
    From NOLA.org

    1. IonaTrailer

      Hilariously, a resident poster on that blog said:
      "How about all the property he owned below the bridge that was blighted and the city had to tear down? That was before the storm. Perhaps he could have secured a few volunteers to board up his own sh*t and keep the crackheads out. This guy is a joke. God forbid you ever live next to one of his "investments."

        1. emmelemm

          Eh, Mr. Jesus was always spending time with his 12 "bro-skis", not to mention all the homeless and poor people, while Mrs. Jesus sat at home, forlornly, because vibrators and batteries hadn't been invented yet.

  18. Veritas78

    How soon will it be illegal to ask your doctor if he or she is home-skooled? Because you probably do want to know that.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      In Louisiana, home schooling must be looking pretty attractive right now to the state's dwindling population of normal, intelligent people.

  19. arihaya

    At least the children will learn that marriage is only between a Man and a Woman … with occasional visit to the said man's favorite rent-boys.

  20. IonaTrailer

    Ot but interesting: Little-known fact: Osama bin Laden was a wicked volleyball player; even in his Abbottabad compound, the six-foot-plus terrorist was rumored to have his own court.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Yea, but he couldn't spike at the net without getting his beard caught – and she would complain incessantly afterward.

    2. Chet Kincaid_

      He also loved to tether-ball the fuck out of his aide-de-camp, 5-foot-tall Al Quaeda Number Two. "Praise Allah for the facial you are about to receive, Brocephus!!"

      (I'd ask you for a link, but this is kind of fun.)

    3. doloras

      It's also well known that, as a teenager, Osama played bass in a band with his brothers. Apparently their repertoire was mainly Pink Floyd covers.

  21. kittensdontlie

    Do the math! Bible math, that is, where five loaves minus what five thousand ate, leaves twelve baskets of bread. This creative arithmatic flexibility might be the key to our debt crisis. Thanx, Louisiana!

    1. oenspiek

      You have to admire bibble math. In Kings, pi is set equal to three, so, to true believers, all engineers are sinners.

  22. IonaTrailer

    Ooooo – gawker.com just released a whole bunch of Mittens secrets –
    More than 950 pages of internal financial documents for 21 cryptically named entities in which Mitt Romney had invested—at minimum—more than $10 million as of 2011.

    Available here: http://gawker.com/5933641

    LET THE FUN BEGIN!

    1. glasspusher

      Awesome. Reminds me to never tape an interview while sitting on a chair with wheels. Love his accent. Sounds like Cajun Brooklyn.

  23. docterry6973

    I feel sorry for the Mittster's old school, Cranbook Academy. How will they survive when they have competitors like the good Apostle, and Prophet too also.

  24. Tundra Grifter

    "Louisiana public school" is something of a joke. I believe that state doesn't have a property tax. The white kids all go to private schools, so why should people support public ones?

    I wonder what the result would be if someone opened a madrassa and applied for some of that state money?

  25. comrad_darkness

    These are the same people who scream to high heaven about their monies being used for things they don't approve of, right?

  26. ttommyunger

    Every American is entitled to his/her beliefs. I believe these fuckwads are seriously bent.

    1. Negropolis

      Now, if only you could find someway to get paid for spreading your belief by educating children courtesy of government funds….

  27. owhatever

    Come September 15, I will be opening the Lord Our God Christian Academy for Born-Again Children of the Shepherd to Save America. Lessons will be sent in one brief e-mail a week right to the computer of the student's church so that Mom and the Minister can control what her child learns. Graduation is guaranteed. Louisiana can send my voucher payments to a post office box that I will open on September 1 in Baton Rouge. Visit our website. It's a cool place for the kids, daddy-o.

    1. Butch_Wagstaff

      For $50 each, I'll send them an actual official-lookin' diplomer certifying how they are now all edudicated & now ready for colledge. They won't even have to take lessins.

  28. MosesInvests

    I want someone in New Orleans to open up a Voodoo Academy and get some of that voucher money.

  29. poorgradstudent

    Public education in Louisiana: because dumping taxpayer money onto schools that are outside your ability to directly control and regulate is somehow better and easier than just working on the schools you already run!

    1. hls58

      I lived in Baton Rouge for 5 yrs. I didn't think it was possible to dumb down Louisiana any further.

  30. Negropolis

    The Academy is a close-knit school embracing a community concept wherein the “whold” child is attended to spiritually, morally and intellectually.

    Please notice that the intellectual part is the last part, instead of the first. If you want your little bastard's moral and spitirual parts feed, take him with you to church. Meanwhile, we need to let teachers, you know, actually teach.

    While we're teaching our high schoolers that jesus rode dinosaurs, some preschooler in South Korea is learning algebra.

  31. Biel_ze_Bubba

    ♫ "We are the whold, we are the children" ♬

    I'm a lawyer, and for the life of me I can't see how this comes close to being Constitutional.

  32. C_R_Trogloraptor

    Semi O/T (because every time I try to think of a scathing comment on this story I get a crushing headache):
    Thomas Burr, a reporter from the Salt lake Tribune is on Washington Journal now, talking about Romney's religion. He's fielding lots calls from all kinds people saying that Mormonism is a Cult. This will be fun.

    Here's the best snarky comment I could muster: "Fat City Christian Academy". And that Jesus in the cartoon looks like he's sporting an enormous Boner. Disgusting!

Comments are closed.