VENGEANCE IS MINE SAYETH THE LORD  11:22 am August 22, 2012

God Due To ‘Stand His Ground’ Against Tampa’s Republican Convention, With Hurricane Maybe

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

u madEverybody panic! Some dude at Examiner.com looked at a bunch of funny gifs of a maybe-hurricane and decided it might hit Tampa (and your Editrix!) just in time for the RNC! Where will we shelter from the possible storm? Probably a titty bar. But far more important than whether or not we (by which we mean “I”) are murdered by the vengeful weather is what could have angered the deity to call down this Old Testament (it is even named Isaac, we think?) smiting:

Could it be Gluttony?

Sloth?

Pride?

Avarice?

Lust?

Anger?

Envy?

Nah mang, those are all New Testament bullshit, it is definitely teh ghey.

[Examiner, via Wonkville miner Terry]

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 296 comments }

veritass August 22, 2012 at 11:23 am

Couldn't have happened to a nicer group of people.

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 11:40 am

Except Editrix. She needs to survive until the NYC gathering. Then you may dispose of her as you see fit….

….with votes.

HistoriCat August 22, 2012 at 11:59 am

On the bright side, if she's stuck in a Tampa titty bar, maybe she can earn some cash and pay for more rounds of drinks in NYC.

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Oooh, hadn't thought of that…Go Isaac, go!

BerkeleyBear August 22, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Does silicone have any sort of weather proofing properties? Because I might want to declare titty bars as a point of refuge then.

hunnybee August 22, 2012 at 12:18 pm

we gathering? in New York City? hotdamn!
when! where! Yay!

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 12:26 pm

The only detail I'm aware of is the date, September 13. Other than that, I do not know.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 22, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Marked on my calendar! Hmm…. maybe I should put "out of office" for the 14th as well.

Terry August 22, 2012 at 11:54 am

Yeah, but too bad the citizens of Tampa have to be affected, too. Maybe the storm can come directly down on top of the convention center during Mitten's speech.

Serolf_Divad August 22, 2012 at 11:55 am

Yes but if a hurricane were to demolish and wash the convention center out to sea, you'd have to feel bad about all the hookers and rent boys in the hotel rooms.

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 11:55 am

And the fish who'd be forced to swim through all the anal grease and santorum.

IonaTrailer August 22, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Needs moar smittin'

PuckStopsHere August 22, 2012 at 11:26 am

It ain't exactly the rapture, but it will have to do.

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 11:41 am

If a tornado touches down, and they often do during Florida hurricanes, and Dorothys them off to the heavens, does that count?

Cuz that would be awesome!

JohnnyQuick August 22, 2012 at 11:54 am

I'd ask for divine assistance… But Akin is still running. I've already used up my prayer ticket.

ahnc August 22, 2012 at 2:43 pm
PuckStopsHere August 22, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Ha, ha. The sweet smell of success…

Barb_ August 22, 2012 at 11:26 am

"Washington, D.C. you'd think by now they'd get the message," Bachmann said at a town hall in Florida Saturday to laughs. "An earthquake, a hurricane, are you listening? The American people have done everything they possibly can, now it's time for an act of God and we're getting it."
~Michele Bachmann

I wonder if she will feel the same way if a hurricane does happen?

Must go to Pinterest now and find candles for Rebecca.

HistoriCat August 22, 2012 at 11:44 am

Forget the candles – get her a taser. She needs something to hold back all of that Florida crazy!

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 11:51 am

I thought that's what her magic bracelets were for?

Oh, wait….those are handcuffs?????

MaxUdargo August 22, 2012 at 1:01 pm

God wouldn't have sent a hurricane if the Republicans had nominated Michele Bachmann.

Veritas78 August 22, 2012 at 10:08 pm

I read it that way, too!

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 1:32 pm

The worst places for natural disasters are all in Texas and the deep south.
I am OK with this:
http://www.smartplanet.com/blog/thinking-tech/inf

comrad_darkness August 22, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Poor, stupid, and at risk from natural disasters is no way to go through life, son.

freakishlywrong August 22, 2012 at 11:26 am

It is "Republicans".

Serolf_Divad August 22, 2012 at 11:39 am

So you're going with "pestilence", then?

freakishlywrong August 22, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Actually, all of 'em, Serolf..

AlterNewt August 22, 2012 at 11:27 am

Smittens Romney.

That is all.

CheeseBro69 August 22, 2012 at 12:25 pm

You get one chort

That is all.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 22, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I'm gonna trademark "Mitt-Storm".

prommie August 22, 2012 at 11:27 am

Needs more serpents, locusts, and a nice soaking rain of frogs.

ShreditorsDesk August 22, 2012 at 11:29 am

Plagues and famines too! More plagues and famines!

eggsacklywright August 22, 2012 at 11:38 am

A dash of pestilence wouldn't hurt either.

CindynEncinitas August 22, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Ah lerves me some pestilences!!

pepperpat August 22, 2012 at 12:21 pm

More cowbell!

FakaktaSouth August 22, 2012 at 11:36 am

As you have obviously forgotten, Flarda is heavy on the frog rain already. Huuuuge reptilian storms wouldn't even make these folks blink. What we need is a good blood soaking. Of course it'd just be blamed on all the womens and their evil self controlled uteri, but I'll still take it.

prommie August 22, 2012 at 11:43 am

Amphibians, my dear, things what start out with gills and metamorphose. Its fascinating, isn't it? Ontogeny recapitulating phylogeny?

eggsacklywright August 22, 2012 at 11:48 am

Like at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey?

FakaktaSouth August 22, 2012 at 11:50 am

Oh do shut the hell up. I realized it as soon as I said it. I did not get a lot of sleep last night.

prommie August 22, 2012 at 11:54 am

It is still just fascinating. Tadpoles are underrated. I was just sharing my delight at the wonders of science. Don't get me going on astronomy, Neil deGrasse Tyson is my idol! I wanted to be an astronomer but then they made me make Hurtsprung-Russel diagrams, uck! Fuck the main sequence anyway.

IonaTrailer August 22, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Hagiography recapitulates proctoscopy?

(Giles Goat-Boy)

nounverb911 August 22, 2012 at 11:38 am

Smiting of the first born?

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 11:58 am

I think serpents is taken care of in Florida, what with Burmese pythons and the African rock python, which when they interbreed create a kind of superserpent that is quite capable of swallowing small humans whole.

GunToting[Redacted] August 22, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Lindsay Graham better watch his ass!

Nostrildamus August 22, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Rabid badgers would be nice, also.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 22, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Rabid honey badgers. To infest the GOP convention, you need a critter that doesn't give a shit.

Steverino247 August 22, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Badgers? We don't need no steenking badgers!

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Haw, we'll see how handsome Ryan is when he's covered with suppurating boils.
Agonizingly painful suppurating boils.

Geminisunmars August 22, 2012 at 11:28 am

Will the smiting be televised?

eggsacklywright August 22, 2012 at 11:40 am

Almighty Grid would approve.

Angry_Marmot August 22, 2012 at 12:11 pm

The Smiting will not be right back after a message
About a white tornado, white lightning, or white people.
NBC will not be able predict the winner at 8:32
Or report from 29 districts.
The Smiting will not be televised.

Geminisunmars August 22, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Dang. I was hoping to watch.

IonaTrailer August 22, 2012 at 12:42 pm

"The RNC will not be televised
It will not appear on your tv
It will not bring prosperity
The RNC will not be televised"

(With apologies to Gil Scott Heron, RIP)

MissTaken August 22, 2012 at 11:28 am

Climate has a liberal bias.

sudsmckenzie August 22, 2012 at 11:28 am

That many gay politicians in one place, of course there will be a hurricane.

James Michael Curley August 22, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Is this were we find the himicane joke?

Fairtackle August 22, 2012 at 12:31 pm

It's raining rentboys?

Biel_ze_Bubba August 22, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Between all the hot air and the blowing, it should be a category 5.

ShreditorsDesk August 22, 2012 at 11:28 am

God sent them 4 in a row when they stole the election. Robertson remained silent.

memzilla August 22, 2012 at 11:28 am

A hurricane hitting Tampa in time for the RNC convention would definitely restore my faith in G-d!

OzoneTom August 22, 2012 at 11:34 am

Dr Jeff Masters first had the probability for evacuation in Tampa during the convention at 1%. then 2% yesterday, now 3% today.

But Issac is headed for warmer water and wind shear remains low.

If any are prayin' folk, now's the time! (To pray for the safety of our Wonketeers and Editrix of course!)

Terry August 22, 2012 at 11:57 am

Warm water is fuel for hurricanes. The National Hurricane Center has the storm over Tampa on Monday morning: http://www.wunderground.com/tropical/tracking/at2

Caelan Aegana August 22, 2012 at 12:03 pm

It takes some skill to pronounce dashes like that. Carrot Ironfoundersson, is that you?

jjdaddyo August 22, 2012 at 12:07 pm

If we get a vote, I vote for a pillar of fire obliterating the convention center, Sarah Palin turned into a pillar of salt, followed by a plague of frogs.

YasserArraFeck August 22, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Sorry, you want Lou Sarah turned into a pillar of salt and then into a plague of frogs? She's already a plague of screeching bullshit.

Newsriffs August 22, 2012 at 3:16 pm

I'll consider the existence of God, when I see the news footage of the bloated, crab nibbled, bodies, of all of the delegates, candidates and Donald Trump, floating in Tampa Bay, the day after the hurricane.

OzoneTom August 22, 2012 at 7:32 pm

I might reconsider my belief in the possibility of a divinity myself at that point.

KeepFnThatChicken August 22, 2012 at 11:29 am

Your move, John Hagee.

If it were to hit Tampa, what are the sins of the Republicans that we can blame on this act of God?

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 11:43 am

Oh, that's an easy one: for trying to force Akin out of the race for being a good Christian

YasserArraFeck August 22, 2012 at 12:22 pm

AOTK

KeepFnThatChicken August 22, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Google didn't like. Please parse for me

YasserArraFeck August 22, 2012 at 1:10 pm

"All of them, Katie"
One of the early indications that, in addition to being a loathsome human being, Lou Sarah was a blithering idiot.

KeepFnThatChicken August 22, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I knew that. This probably means I'm going to get my Wonketter card rescinded. :(

calliecallie August 22, 2012 at 12:46 pm

All of them. See list above.

Clancy_Pants August 22, 2012 at 11:29 am

Remember the douchenozzles in Colorado Springs praying for biblical flooding the night of Obama's acceptance speech?

PsycWench August 22, 2012 at 11:37 am

Remember Colorado Springs getting those flash floods and the rightwingers were curiously silent?

AbandonHope_ August 22, 2012 at 11:54 am

Also, the almost-burning-down of said city, stopped only by brave firefighters, who Colorado Springs bravely cut funding and benefits for.

Clancy_Pants August 22, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Cue the locusts in one two three…

IonaTrailer August 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm

OT but NPR had a brilliant piece several years ago about Christians walking around randomly praying over Colorado Springs. Creeped me out.

Chow Yun Flat August 22, 2012 at 11:29 am

Dear Hurricane God:

Please smite the Republicans and spare our Editrix.

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 11:33 am

Do you think lambs blood will still work? Is she a first born?

MosesInvests August 22, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Editrix is a fellow Red Sea Pedestrian-she'll just walk down the middle of Tampa Bay.

Terry August 22, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Knocking the power out to the convention center for the duration would be fabulous. Disabled or inadequate backup generators would be a plus.

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Right- and price gouging on said generator sales would just be good ol' fashioned Capitalism!

YasserArraFeck August 22, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Reinacting "The Lord of the Flies" with an all-RepubliTard cast. Bloody, but entertaining.

IonaTrailer August 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Kill the pig, slit his throat.

YasserArraFeck August 22, 2012 at 1:11 pm

So many pigs, so little time……

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I'd settle for the air conditioners going off.

hunnybee August 22, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Amen!

comrad_darkness August 22, 2012 at 3:31 pm

It's a Goddess, you fool! Now look what you've done!

CindynEncinitas August 22, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Very nice. To the point.

ahnc August 22, 2012 at 11:30 am

Hurricane heading to GOP Convention: It just seems appropriate, doesn't it?

Chow Yun Flat August 22, 2012 at 11:30 am

A hurricane in Tampa would be terrible. Won't someone please think of the strippers?

chicken_thief August 22, 2012 at 12:02 pm

I'll volunteer for that job!

YasserArraFeck August 22, 2012 at 12:26 pm

No-one's thinking about the strippers. The 'Tards are focusing strictly on the rentboys.

Mahousu August 22, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Nah, they're used to being splashed with water. They'll be fine.

Steverino247 August 22, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Think of the strippers!.

Slap!

Think of the children!

Slap!

The strippers are children!

MissTaken August 22, 2012 at 11:31 am

Wasn't there also some ugly hurricane during the 08 GOP convention, too? Or maybe that was just Sarah Palin.

HistoriCat August 22, 2012 at 11:50 am

You are two for two. The only disappointing part is that I had power while everyone was fapping over Sister Sarah and didn't lose power until the storm made landfall near Galveston.

anniegetyerfun August 22, 2012 at 1:22 pm

But you can call her Slurricane.

Texan_Bulldog August 22, 2012 at 11:31 am

This is so delicious I can barely contain myself. Frankly, if FL snapped off into the Gulf that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing, right?

pepperpat August 22, 2012 at 11:51 am

Hey! A few reasonable people (of which I consider myself one) still have to live here. :-/

Texan_Bulldog August 22, 2012 at 11:55 am

Sorry, I feel your pain living amongst the mouth-breathing yahoos in TX.

MosesInvests August 22, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Grew up among mouth-breathing yahoos in FL, and now I'm in TX. Sigh. At least I'm in Austin.

Texan_Bulldog August 22, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Oooohhh….me too. Well, Cedar Park–which is pretty conservative but there are a few closet Dems up here.

Oblios_Cap August 22, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Me, too.

Harrison Wintergreen August 22, 2012 at 12:55 pm

My condolences. I lived in that "barren sandspit, unfit for human habitation*" for 20-odd years (and they were indeed odd [rimshot]) before escaping in 1995. I live in Ohio now. It ain't great, but it ain't Florida, and that's something.

*in the immortal words of Ponce de Leon

YasserArraFeck August 22, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Hurricane Lorena?

RadioBowels August 22, 2012 at 11:32 am

God can be forcible.

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 11:37 am

Good point. I mean, if you got drunk and passed out when the hurricane went by, that's almost asking for it, isn't it?

Blueb4sinrise August 22, 2012 at 11:41 am

How will we know if the hurricane is legitimate or not?

RadioBowels August 22, 2012 at 11:45 am

Maybe this?

Blueb4sinrise August 22, 2012 at 11:51 am

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Was unfamiliar with that artist.

boobookitteh August 22, 2012 at 11:50 am

Pfft. Florida's totally asking for it what with that peninsula hanging out for everyone to see.

pepperpat August 22, 2012 at 11:52 am

It's not known as America's Wang for nothing.

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 11:32 am

May I recommend 2001: A Sex Oddesey, if you're looking for a good club. Slightly north of Tampa

Oblios_Cap August 22, 2012 at 11:32 am

See? God spared Isaac for a reason. He was saving him for some serious smiting of the unrighteous. Our Editrix will be alright.

freakishlywrong August 22, 2012 at 11:32 am

He who is stupideth enough to haseth a fucking convention in FL. in fucking late August, really, they deserveth whatever happens. Really.

Oblios_Cap August 22, 2012 at 11:44 am

Verily and forsooth, says I.

GunToting[Redacted] August 22, 2012 at 11:32 am

I'm looking forward to the footage of Romney ordering the Secret Service to start shooting at the delegates when they try to get into Raymond James Stadium at the height of the storm surge.

kittensdontlie August 22, 2012 at 12:38 pm

And a few days later BoBama can do a fly over, and be photographed at the plane's window giving the one-fingered salute to the conventioneers.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 22, 2012 at 1:02 pm

With all the concealed-carry wingnuts in town, and a rapidly-decreasing amount of ground to stand, what could possibly go wrong? I'm picturing the Katrina Superdome scene, but with lots of guns and angry white morons thrown into the mix. When the National Guard comes in to put 'em down, the helicopters might as well be black.

johnnyzhivago August 22, 2012 at 11:32 am

I'm sure if Tampa is hit by the hurricane, the nutcases in the GOP will say that it's God raining his tears on the city for the horrible curse of gay Islamic feminist socialist liberalism in America.

valthemus August 22, 2012 at 11:41 am

And if it doesn't hit, they'll say, "You see? God *wants* us to succeed!" Already my head is spinning from the spin.

Lascauxcaveman August 22, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Hurricanes, in general, are really spinny things.

IncenseDebate August 22, 2012 at 11:32 am

More evidence that god hates states shaped like limp penises.

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 11:43 am

…and I've got tits bigger than the mountains in Florida.

pepperpat August 22, 2012 at 11:55 am

Those aren't mountains. They're landfills covered in grass. Regardless, it's quite impressive that your tits are bigger than them, because there are a lot of huge landfill-mountains here!

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Why do they call them landfills? Because nobody would pay twenty million for a garbage dump.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 22, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Not quite landfills — they're gypsum stacks, aka phosphate waste piles.

Florida has a billion tons (literally, one billion tons) of this stuff piled up. Eventually, they'll be tropical islands, and all that's left of Florida real estate — too bad they're acidic as hell, and radioactive.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 2:08 pm

She's rich, she's beautiful, she's got huge… tracts of land…

comrad_darkness August 22, 2012 at 3:33 pm

New Jersey Libel!

Ruhe August 22, 2012 at 11:33 am

I believe "Isaac" means "the laughing one" so perhaps God is sending his death swirly to Florida because the only thing funnier than Republican hate politics is Republican death politics.

eggsacklywright August 22, 2012 at 11:51 am

"Death swirly" is nicely done. Thank you.

doloras August 22, 2012 at 5:10 pm

No, "Sarah" means "the laughing one". Amusingly enough.

AlterNewt August 22, 2012 at 11:33 am

"Our God is a vindictive and selectively spiteful God", some say.

Goonemeritus August 22, 2012 at 11:34 am

There is no way you are going to find a titty bar that has any room with the GOP in town. Your best bet is to find a Black Church to ride out the storm, GOP members avoid them the way I steer clear of square dances.

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 11:39 am

Not to worry. Most of the delegates will be busy with the rentboys on Clearwater Beach and hotels adjacent to it.

pepperpat August 22, 2012 at 11:57 am

I have a gay male friend currently stuck in Tampa's airport due to bad weather. I should tell him to take advantage of the inconvenience cuz he can probably make quite a few bucks.

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Crisis = danger + opportunity.

Chet Kincaid_ August 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm

He is just automatically a whore?

pepperpat August 22, 2012 at 12:56 pm

He was when he and I used to hang out! Not that there's anything wrong with that. ;-)

proudgrampa August 22, 2012 at 12:01 pm

DO SI DO LIBEL!!!

IncenseDebate August 22, 2012 at 11:34 am

All those fat old white Repubs praying hard for a great blowjob in Tampa are gonna get one.

rickmaci August 22, 2012 at 3:58 pm

^^Winner

mavenmaven August 22, 2012 at 11:35 am

Of course! The GOP is redefining rape in advance of all the expected 'issues' at the strip clubs after their meeting in Tampa…

seppdecker August 22, 2012 at 11:37 am

If God is running around the convention, GOP women need to beware swans, golden showers, and other "immaculate" knock-ups. They're unlikely to find any sympathy from their comrades.

Calapine August 22, 2012 at 11:37 am

God: "I was in fear."

Ruhe August 22, 2012 at 11:38 am

Does everyone remember the scene in West Wing when Pres. Bartlett smashes out his cigarette on the floor of the church and then calls God "a feckless thug". That really is the god that many Republicans, like Bachman, seem to believe in. Like an alcoholic father who can't keep his family in order but only shows up drunk to deliver some abuse, theirs is a God who seems incapable of actually getting anything done but who loves to lash out angrily from time to time. And they love him for it. Republicans need theological alanon.

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 11:44 am

The one where he goes all Latin on His ass for taking Landingham?

I absolutely adore that scene.

AbandonHope_ August 22, 2012 at 11:55 am

That may very well be one of my favorite television scenes of all time.

KeepFnThatChicken August 22, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Fifty Shades of God

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 11:38 am

There is a God and his name is Hurricane…errr, which one again? There've been so many already.

Serolf_Divad August 22, 2012 at 11:49 am

Hurricane Obama. Same as in 2008.

nounverb911 August 22, 2012 at 11:39 am

This could be good news for the NY Yankees.

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 11:51 am

Who will defend St. Jetersburg?

PsycWench August 22, 2012 at 11:39 am

I await a crop of excuses for being found in porn theaters, bondage clubs, gay hangouts…"The hurricane blew me into here".

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 11:50 am

Blown inside, blown outside…

"I pulled into a Shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said 'Keep my personal life out of this!' "

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 11:53 am

"I needed a wide stance in order not to be blown away"

CindynEncinitas August 22, 2012 at 4:54 pm

the back of Tony Montana's Caddy…

Chow Yun Flat August 22, 2012 at 11:40 am

Hurricane Isaac–someone is gonna get all Old Testament on the Republican National Convention.

GhostBuggy August 22, 2012 at 11:40 am

Is that God, or Green Lantern?

ManchuCandidate August 22, 2012 at 11:40 am

It's too bad stupidity isn't considered a deadly sin by the bible because it most certainly is in the real world.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Not deadly enough, if you ask me.

widestanceromance August 22, 2012 at 11:41 am

And they were all praying it would only rain men.

elviouslyqueer August 22, 2012 at 11:46 am
outragedcitizen August 22, 2012 at 11:42 am

If a hurricane does hit Tampa during the convention the GOPbaggers will just say that God was punishing Tampa for letting Biden come there.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 22, 2012 at 12:07 pm

"Invincible ignorance" is exactly that: If the storm of the century came along and wiped Tampa from the face of the earth, these retarded fuckers would make a big deal of the fact that 87 titty bars got demolished, but only one convention center.

el_donaldo August 22, 2012 at 11:42 am

Given that God's venting Her wrath on the Republican party, maybe this time She'll send a host of angry vaginas?

Oblios_Cap August 22, 2012 at 11:45 am

I, for one, would go to Tampa to see that.

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Hm, you know, it occurs to me that I missed a bet over the past four years of not seeing to it that every hooker had syphillis or gonorrhea.

Beowoof August 22, 2012 at 11:42 am

With all the hot air flowing out of the convention hall, maybe it will provide a counter force.

KeepFnThatChicken August 22, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Hot, moist air only strengthens hurricanes.

Serolf_Divad August 22, 2012 at 11:42 am

Anyone here who thinks a hurricane would not be blamed on Republicans repudiating the divine science of Todd Akin, just doesn't know the GOP the way I know the GOP.

randcoolcatdaddy August 22, 2012 at 11:43 am

Here's looking forward to a bunch of Republican men squealing like a bunch of little girls when all hell breaks loose.

MinAgain August 22, 2012 at 11:44 am

Blow, wind, blow.

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 11:50 am

Why should Lindsey Graham get all the action?

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 2:17 pm

*puts on dark wraparound shades*
*sings*

Blow wind, blow wind
Blow my country back to me
Blow wind, blow wind
Blow my country back to me
Well you know if these assholes get to run it, we'll all be in misery

Goodbye wingnuts that is all I have left to say
Ohh, goodbye wingnuts, that is all I have left to say
But you have lost your good thing
Go ahead and be on your way

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 11:45 am

Suggested headlines:

"GOP Convention Blows"

"Romney/Ryan: all wet?"

etc.

Chow Yun Flat August 22, 2012 at 11:47 am

Dear Republican National Convention:

Hurricane God is going to smite you like a motherfucker.

Signed,
Your biggest fan

arduinohacker August 22, 2012 at 11:48 am

Just call it a "Godly Terrorist Fist Bump".

fartknocker August 22, 2012 at 11:48 am

Mitt is sure having a shitty month. And as hard as I try to be kind and not be judgmental, I am enjoying watching this.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 2:19 pm

As long as he has a shitty month in November, I don't much care what happens between now and then.

[but yeah, seconded on the enjoyment]

friendlyskies August 22, 2012 at 11:52 am

I'm kind of hoping that the Christian nutters will interpret this as the RNC's punishment for nominating a Mormon and/or RINO rather than, say, Rick Santorum for POTUS. It'd be hilarious if they went to the time and expense of passing Citizens United and all those Voter ID laws, but were sabotaged internally by the backwoods fundie fifth column who doesn't understand that funneling Social Security and Medicare to our financial barons is eminently more important than their petty socialist God.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 22, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Not an issue: The GOP could nominate Zombie Joe Stalin, and he'd still be the Great White Hope to the racist dumbfuck demographic.

HistoriCat August 22, 2012 at 12:52 pm

"Well, he's going to hell but he's white and wants to cut taxes."

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Krusty: Well, he framed me for armed robbery, but man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut…

Terry August 22, 2012 at 12:53 pm

A Mormon AND a Roman Catholic.

littlebigdaddy August 22, 2012 at 11:52 am

What will happen to all the smooth Asian rentboys? It is them I pity.

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 12:13 pm

A little sandblasting never hurt anybody

boobookitteh August 22, 2012 at 11:53 am

Personally, I'll wait until it actually hits before I schaden my freude.

YouBetcha August 22, 2012 at 11:53 am

Can't they just pray that shit away?

Steverino247 August 22, 2012 at 1:12 pm

If it doesn't work on traveller's diarrhea it's not going to stop a hurricane.

Incitefully_Joe August 22, 2012 at 11:56 am

Pretty sure a hurricaine is hitting Tampa just in time for the RNC because of libruls and the gays. It's God's way of saying that he hates the libruls who aren't there and the gays who are completely shat on by the Tony Perkins-written platform. Logic!

Billmatic August 22, 2012 at 11:58 am

The picture seems to indicate that god is either the hulk or made out of kryptonite.

James Michael Curley August 22, 2012 at 11:59 am

Lets face it.
If you were a hurricane would you want to be in Tampa with all those republicans?

Sharkey August 22, 2012 at 11:59 am

It's called an "umbrella". Look it up.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Who are you trying to kid, Sharkey?
We can all read you like a cello-music-playing book.
You're hoping the hurricane will knock them all into the ocean so you can OM NOM NOM their fat, pasty white asses.
And I, for one, approve.

Sharkey August 22, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Shhhhh!

Biel_ze_Bubba August 22, 2012 at 12:02 pm

"I don't always pray, but when I do, I pray for this."

– the Most Interesting Liberal in the World

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Stay secular, my friends!

Steverino247 August 22, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Implore responsibly.

Terry August 22, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Gee, a hurricane threatening and maybe hitting the GOP convention means that the GOP'ers are going to be relying on nasty old big government and those heathen scientists. Weather forecasting, government mandated evacuations, search and rescue, aid to survivors, government backed flood insurance, all sorts of things that the Republicans stand firmly against.

Biel_ze_Bubba August 22, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I think we should sit back and let private enterprise come to their rescue.

Jerri August 22, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Didn't god smite the Walnuts convention with bad weather, too? I seem to remember them having to tone down the crazy slightly because of a weather tragedy.

Eve8Apples August 22, 2012 at 12:09 pm

It's been a couple of years since Florida has received a good enema from Mother Nature. Tampa during a GOP convention is the appropriate place to plug it in. If there is a God, Romney will be delivering his acceptance speech when the storm hits.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 2:27 pm

I hope it happens EXACTLY LIKE THIS!!:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXc5ltzKq3Y

ahnc August 22, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Imagine all those Republicans stuck in a Katrina-like domed stadium. I enjoy imagining that.

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Will Babs Bush call them deadbeats?

ahnc August 22, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Babs will sell them educational software for her son Neil. Not that it would help them learn.

pepperpat August 22, 2012 at 1:01 pm

I suspect any educational software produced by a member of the Bush family would make even Einstein dumb.

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Educational Software For Dummies?

Eve8Apples August 22, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Our Hopey can do a flyover in his helicopter and give 'em the finger.

ahnc August 22, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Thank you for that visual.

fartknocker August 22, 2012 at 12:35 pm

P + 10. Also, Good Job Brownie!

fawkedifiknow August 22, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Tell the fucking private sector to clean up after, will ya?

Sharkey August 22, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I'll have some Lust with a side of Sloth, thanks.

proudgrampa August 22, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Isaac is coming and boy, is he pissed!

lunchbox360 August 22, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Hurricane Isaac is only relevant because Hurricane Abraham kicked Hurricane Ishmael out of the Hurricane Family.

Angry_Marmot August 22, 2012 at 12:15 pm

There will be weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth– so get plenty of cash out of the ATM before electricity cuts out in the titty bars and all will be well.

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Now that's thinking about head – I mean, ahead.

cheetojeebus August 22, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Dear Editrix,
You are hereby excused from delivering a live from the seawall during a friggin storm blog post.
Best thing would be to put some distance between you and the convention center.
Cheeto-trust me, i rode out Carla.

Misty Malarky August 22, 2012 at 12:26 pm

If you get caught in the storm may I suggest battening down your hatches by lashing yourself to Jim Cantore's lightning rod

Terry August 22, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Oh, boy, do I have a long time crush on Jim Cantore. A few months after I left south Louisiana, he did a live broadcast during a storm about two blocks from where I had lived. Had I still been living there, I'd have driven over to offer him a cool beverage and some moral support.

SnarkOff August 22, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Batten down your weapons!

CheeseBro69 August 22, 2012 at 12:26 pm

And you just know that they're use this as evidence that "global heating" is a hoax

Generation[redacted] August 22, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Don't worry. If it's a legitimate hurricane, Republicans have a way of shutting the whole thing down.

Blueb4sinrise August 22, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Tampa Mayor: City ‘Prepared’ To Call Off Convention In Event Of Dangerous Weather
http://livewire.talkingpointsmemo.com/entry/tampa

Sharkey August 22, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Well, he is a Democrat.

Blueb4sinrise August 22, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Is he just messing with them?

randcoolcatdaddy August 22, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Cancel it? Cowards … they just need to man up and face their legitimate Mother Nature rape.

northernbassist August 22, 2012 at 12:32 pm

"I'm a fan of all seven. But right now, I think I'm gonna have to go with wrath."–Captain Malcolm Reynolds

An_Outhouse August 22, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Its time to rehire Brownie.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 2:29 pm

If for no other reason than to look after Rafalca.

James Michael Curley August 22, 2012 at 12:36 pm

"Michael Baumgartner, a Republican candidate for U.S. Senate in Washington State, took exception to an article written about him this week, emailing the author to tell him to "go fuck yourself.""

proudgrampa August 22, 2012 at 12:39 pm

For you who are meteorologically inclined, here is the National Weather Service "Cone" map showing Isaac's likely path.
http://www.nhc.noaa.gov/refresh/graphics_at4+shtm

Note where Isaac is likely to be on Monday morning at 8:00 am. Whoopee!

DerrickWildcat August 22, 2012 at 12:42 pm

The Lord moves in mysterious ways, and some really overt ways too.

freakishlywrong August 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm

TD 10 has now formed out in the Atlantic as well. Looks to be on the same path as Isaac. God REALLY doesn't like liars.

marconidarwin August 22, 2012 at 12:47 pm

I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh.–Proverbs 1:26

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 2:30 pm

HAH ha! — Nelson Muntz

Chet Kincaid_ August 22, 2012 at 12:49 pm

That's not Jehovah, that's Zeus, by Jove!

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I see what you did there…

cromiller August 22, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I'm sure Jindal and the New Orleans Superdome could help shelter everyone if the storm hits.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 2:30 pm

It might work out very well for them, at that.

Katydid August 22, 2012 at 12:57 pm

At the same time, good ol' Pat Robertson is saying that the drought is God's vengeance.
"God always has the last say. He controls the weather. He controls the rain."
http://joemygod.blogspot.com/

BarackMyWorld August 22, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Do Nate Silver or Charlie Cook do weather reports?

Eve8Apples August 22, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Florida titty bars offer great prizes in their wet t-shirt contests when the hurricanes blow ashore.

Blueb4sinrise August 22, 2012 at 1:10 pm

'Bec-ca!
'Bec-ca!
'Bec-ca!
'Bec-ca!
'Bec-ca!
'Bec-ca!

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Tonight only at the foot fetish bar: Wet Sock Contest

Katydid August 22, 2012 at 1:08 pm

O/T

Dan Savage debates National Organization for Marriage jackass Brian Brown: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embed

docterry6973 August 22, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I can't hope for a hurricane to hit anywhere. Maybe just a daily shower over Mitt's head. I think the soaked, bedraggled look would be great for him. Maybe someone could get him a nice poncho.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 2:31 pm

He's probably already got at least one Pancho on his gardening crew.

IonaTrailer August 22, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Probably won't be as much fun as this: http://www.tmz.com/2012/08/21/prince-harry-naked-

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 2:34 pm

That's gotta be one of those tough luck things like, "Orders Coke… gets Pepsi". "Clicks on link thinking of Prince William… gets Prince Harry".

Come to think of it, Prince Harry even looks like the guy in the tough luck picture:
http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3ot0xe/

Just one more, cause it made me laugh so hard when I first saw it: http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3on7eh/

EarnestTaxpayer August 22, 2012 at 1:19 pm

If Isaac follows the current forecast model, he appears to be prepared to take Tampa from behind.

BZ1 August 22, 2012 at 1:20 pm

I don't think the GOP believes in hurricanes, being science-thingy.

Baba_NinjaCat12 August 22, 2012 at 1:21 pm

<<Thunder>> THIS IS GOD, I AM NOT PLEASE WITH YOUR POLITICAL STUPIDITY. <<Thunder>> <<Thunder>> <<Thunder>> I AM SENDING IN A HURRICANE NAMED ISAAC, NOT THE BIBLICAL NAME BUT AN INTELLIGENT CHRISTIAN AND RATIONAL FELLOW, THE ONE WHO DESCRIBE UNIVERSAL GRAVITATION AND THREE LAWS OF MOTION. <<Thunder>> <<Thunder>>

ttommyunger August 22, 2012 at 1:27 pm

All this week they've endured a shit-storm in Missouri, looking for a Hurricane next week in Tampa, what next? Oh, right: massive landslide in November.

Barrelhse August 22, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I'm not surprised.
"God hates fags".

ksterlings August 22, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Might I recommend a little hole in the wall across the bay in St Pete, Lucky Star, built like a bunker to hold the gays while getting smashed on cheap drinks.

Oblios_Cap August 22, 2012 at 1:54 pm

God certainly looks a lot like Zeus. They must be brothers.

TribecaMike August 22, 2012 at 2:39 pm

The graphic reminds me that I haven't played Age of Mythology: The Joseph Smith Edition in a while. Well, there goes my social life for the next few weeks.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 2:41 pm

God: Why are you smiting yourself? Why are you smiting yourself? Why are you smiting yourself?…

C_R_Trogloraptor August 22, 2012 at 8:30 pm

I've lived on or near the Atlantic Coast all my life. I've had to run away from several, had to shelter in place for a few and sweated out the passage of lots more. Hurricane season is no joke at all, here: disaster preparation is essential, watching the weather everyday is crucial and you have to be ready to Bug Out at a moment's notice. Hurricanes are huge, devastating and by far the scariest things I've ever been through – bar none.

I always wish the storm track to run out to sea, because the consequences if they hit can be terrible. Normally, I would not wish them on anyone.

All that said, I will laugh and drink myself into hysterical exhaustion next week.
However the storm track resolves, the fact remains that Tampa – one of the nation's most spread out and least served by Mass Transit cities – will be hit by at least heavy winds, flooding and rain during a convention full of middle-aged anti-government Global Warming Denier Anarcho-Capitalists. They will probably end up needing help from The Government.

This will be fun, for me. I'll be Waiting for the Hurricane.

LibrarianX August 22, 2012 at 10:28 pm

That little bitch Pat Robertson had better start praying harder!

OldRedneck August 23, 2012 at 8:54 am

Anyone with half a brain knows that August is the worst month for hurricanes in Florida and along the Gulf Coast. This FACT is based on the science and history of hurricanes.

Oh, wait a minute — that explains it!! We're talking about the Republikan Party here and they don't need no stinking science or history!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FakaktaSouth August 22, 2012 at 11:56 am

Hmmm, like horoscopes and shit? I love that stuff. (shut up shut up I watch the daily show and Colbert, I know who NDT is…)

KeepFnThatChicken August 22, 2012 at 12:00 pm

*swoooon* NDT

*swoooon* red supergiants

Steverino247 August 22, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Dr. Tyson is the MAN. You can still do the amateur astronomy, though.

prommie August 22, 2012 at 11:59 am

Sorry, I meant 'hertzsprung-russel." I'm not much a believer in astrology. Birds, though, birds are ominous.

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 12:02 pm

I think he's more a brown dwarf, but I've never seen him naked.

FakaktaSouth August 22, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Now you're just saying big words to show off. I have no idea. But I'm a Sagittarius if you believe in that shit…(okay not really but I love Jim Morrison as much as I do Neil)

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 1:13 pm

I doubt any of us here are Main Sequence. A luminous remark, nonetheless.

" The science of astrology took a giant step towards credibility today, when, as predicted, everyone born under the sign of Scorpio was hit by an egg truck"

KeepFnThatChicken August 22, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Sagittarius is very close to the galactic central point, and thus hosts a great array of open clusters, globular clusters, and emission nebulae within just a few degrees.

Sorry, wait… are we not nerding out here…?

Fine. I'm going back to the basement.

Chet Kincaid_ August 22, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Oh btw, I had to dig up the stash 'cause I owed a dude some money. But don't worry, there's still about a quarter o' y'alls cut still down there! I also moved it to a undisclosed other hole, so put yer gun down and gimme a runnin' start and I'll yell it to ya while I peel out, cool?

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 1:15 pm

glasspusher concurs. You can even make your own telescopes…

Steverino247 August 22, 2012 at 1:21 pm

I've been doing some solar stuff lately with the annular eclipse and the transit of Venus. It's HOT!

YasserArraFeck August 22, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I doubt it – any time you give someone a legitimate* excuse to call Snowbillie a blithering idiot, another angel gets her wings.

*my nomination for "Word of the Year"

HistoriCat August 22, 2012 at 1:46 pm

We'll put you on probation.

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Fuck yeah. I had an eclipse party and in addition to the thirty or so folks we invited, about 80 passersby showed up, including the governor of my fair state and his wife. Eclipse flash mob! Crazy.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 1:34 pm

"everyone born under the sign of Scorpio was hit by an egg truck"

*thinking of at least two of the Scorpios I've dated*
*smirks*
Good.

HistoriCat August 22, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Did you take the trash out like your mom asked you to?

HistoriCat August 22, 2012 at 1:43 pm

You wound me … unless we dated.

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Well, then, you would probably agree with this?

A word of caution- these forecasts are not intended to foster a belief in astrology, but merely to support people who cannot take responsibility for their own lives.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 2:40 pm

If you're a guy with blond hair and glasses, then we probably did.

If you're a Scorpio who has *not* dated me (and subsequently kicked my ass), I wish you no ill will.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Since I'm a Libra, I sort of believe in astrology and sort of think it's silly.

As far as Scorpios, specifically?
Picture a Venn Diagram:
I've had Scorpio friends and family members and co-workers with whom I got along fine. And I've stayed friends with almost all of my exes, even the former Mr. Tessie. Scorpios — OK. Exes — OK. But the part of the diagram where "scorpios" and "dating" intersect? Hoo boy.

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 2:47 pm

I'm trying like anything to get the fucking link to behave. Goddamn html…
http://www.stromer.com/jokes/zodiac.html

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 3:07 pm

As an amateur astronomer and having had a year of astrophysics in college (although chemistry is my day job), I am firmly in the “silly” camp when it comes to astrology. Unless you get to pick your parents and your birth date (Metaphysicans, are you listening?), the whole thing is beyond nonsense. I do get asked a lot of questions about it, invariably, because of my interests in the slightly more rigorous near homophone.Fer instance- the astrologers tell me I'm a Sagittarius by my birth date, to which I reply, that's funny, the sun is in Scorpius on my birthday! They say, oh, that doesn't matter, to which I reply, “Oh yeah? Then what does to you people?”

HistoriCat August 22, 2012 at 2:51 pm

I plead innocence by virtue of that “kicked my ass” clause … that was close!

MosesInvests August 22, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Good to know.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 2:54 pm

V.V. Good. Added to links.
I just wish the part about how Libras never make any money weren't quite so true.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 2:55 pm

*pets HistoriCat gently*
Nice kitty.

Steverino247 August 22, 2012 at 3:01 pm

I had a migrant farmworker walk by so I had him see the eclipse first through a special filter he held up and then through the scope. He was impressed, but I don't think he's going to apply for Dr. Tyson's position.

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Dear Tessie, The greatest obstacles are in the mind! Dr. Glasspusher says you are whole and free! See your future, make your future! Be the ball!

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Hell, they'll be lucky I come in the 17th…

CindynEncinitas August 22, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Chet, the globular clusters are coming!

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: