vengeance is mine sayeth the lord

God Due To ‘Stand His Ground’ Against Tampa’s Republican Convention, With Hurricane Maybe

u madEverybody panic! Some dude at Examiner.com looked at a bunch of funny gifs of a maybe-hurricane and decided it might hit Tampa (and your Editrix!) just in time for the RNC! Where will we shelter from the possible storm? Probably a titty bar. But far more important than whether or not we (by which we mean “I”) are murdered by the vengeful weather is what could have angered the deity to call down this Old Testament (it is even named Isaac, we think?) smiting:

Could it be Gluttony?

Sloth?

Pride?

Avarice?

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Lust?

Anger?

Envy?

Nah mang, those are all New Testament bullshit, it is definitely teh ghey.

[Examiner, via Wonkville miner Terry]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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296 comments

      1. HistoriCat

        On the bright side, if she's stuck in a Tampa titty bar, maybe she can earn some cash and pay for more rounds of drinks in NYC.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          Does silicone have any sort of weather proofing properties? Because I might want to declare titty bars as a point of refuge then.

    1. Terry

      Yeah, but too bad the citizens of Tampa have to be affected, too. Maybe the storm can come directly down on top of the convention center during Mitten's speech.

    2. Serolf_Divad

      Yes but if a hurricane were to demolish and wash the convention center out to sea, you'd have to feel bad about all the hookers and rent boys in the hotel rooms.

    1. actor212

      If a tornado touches down, and they often do during Florida hurricanes, and Dorothys them off to the heavens, does that count?

      Cuz that would be awesome!

    2. JohnnyQuick

      I'd ask for divine assistance… But Akin is still running. I've already used up my prayer ticket.

  1. Barb_

    "Washington, D.C. you'd think by now they'd get the message," Bachmann said at a town hall in Florida Saturday to laughs. "An earthquake, a hurricane, are you listening? The American people have done everything they possibly can, now it's time for an act of God and we're getting it."
    ~Michele Bachmann

    I wonder if she will feel the same way if a hurricane does happen?

    Must go to Pinterest now and find candles for Rebecca.

    1. HistoriCat

      Forget the candles – get her a taser. She needs something to hold back all of that Florida crazy!

    1. FakaktaSouth

      As you have obviously forgotten, Flarda is heavy on the frog rain already. Huuuuge reptilian storms wouldn't even make these folks blink. What we need is a good blood soaking. Of course it'd just be blamed on all the womens and their evil self controlled uteri, but I'll still take it.

      1. prommie

        Amphibians, my dear, things what start out with gills and metamorphose. Its fascinating, isn't it? Ontogeny recapitulating phylogeny?

        1. FakaktaSouth

          Oh do shut the hell up. I realized it as soon as I said it. I did not get a lot of sleep last night.

          1. prommie

            It is still just fascinating. Tadpoles are underrated. I was just sharing my delight at the wonders of science. Don't get me going on astronomy, Neil deGrasse Tyson is my idol! I wanted to be an astronomer but then they made me make Hurtsprung-Russel diagrams, uck! Fuck the main sequence anyway.

          2. FakaktaSouth

            Hmmm, like horoscopes and shit? I love that stuff. (shut up shut up I watch the daily show and Colbert, I know who NDT is…)

          3. prommie

            Sorry, I meant 'hertzsprung-russel." I'm not much a believer in astrology. Birds, though, birds are ominous.

          4. FakaktaSouth

            Now you're just saying big words to show off. I have no idea. But I'm a Sagittarius if you believe in that shit…(okay not really but I love Jim Morrison as much as I do Neil)

          5. KeepFnThatChicken

            Sagittarius is very close to the galactic central point, and thus hosts a great array of open clusters, globular clusters, and emission nebulae within just a few degrees.

            Sorry, wait… are we not nerding out here…?

            Fine. I'm going back to the basement.

          6. Chet Kincaid_

            Oh btw, I had to dig up the stash 'cause I owed a dude some money. But don't worry, there's still about a quarter o' y'alls cut still down there! I also moved it to a undisclosed other hole, so put yer gun down and gimme a runnin' start and I'll yell it to ya while I peel out, cool?

          7. glasspusher

            I doubt any of us here are Main Sequence. A luminous remark, nonetheless.

            " The science of astrology took a giant step towards credibility today, when, as predicted, everyone born under the sign of Scorpio was hit by an egg truck"

          8. tessiee

            "everyone born under the sign of Scorpio was hit by an egg truck"

            *thinking of at least two of the Scorpios I've dated*
            *smirks*
            Good.

          9. tessiee

            If you're a guy with blond hair and glasses, then we probably did.

            If you're a Scorpio who has *not* dated me (and subsequently kicked my ass), I wish you no ill will.

          10. glasspusher

            Well, then, you would probably agree with this?

            A word of caution- these forecasts are not intended to foster a belief in astrology, but merely to support people who cannot take responsibility for their own lives.

          11. tessiee

            Since I'm a Libra, I sort of believe in astrology and sort of think it's silly.

            As far as Scorpios, specifically?
            Picture a Venn Diagram:
            I've had Scorpio friends and family members and co-workers with whom I got along fine. And I've stayed friends with almost all of my exes, even the former Mr. Tessie. Scorpios — OK. Exes — OK. But the part of the diagram where "scorpios" and "dating" intersect? Hoo boy.

          12. tessiee

            V.V. Good. Added to links.
            I just wish the part about how Libras never make any money weren't quite so true.

          13. glasspusher

            Dear Tessie, The greatest obstacles are in the mind! Dr. Glasspusher says you are whole and free! See your future, make your future! Be the ball!

          14. glasspusher

            As an amateur astronomer and having had a year of astrophysics in college (although chemistry is my day job), I am firmly in the “silly” camp when it comes to astrology. Unless you get to pick your parents and your birth date (Metaphysicans, are you listening?), the whole thing is beyond nonsense. I do get asked a lot of questions about it, invariably, because of my interests in the slightly more rigorous near homophone.Fer instance- the astrologers tell me I'm a Sagittarius by my birth date, to which I reply, that's funny, the sun is in Scorpius on my birthday! They say, oh, that doesn't matter, to which I reply, “Oh yeah? Then what does to you people?”

          15. Steverino247

            I've been doing some solar stuff lately with the annular eclipse and the transit of Venus. It's HOT!

          16. glasspusher

            Fuck yeah. I had an eclipse party and in addition to the thirty or so folks we invited, about 80 passersby showed up, including the governor of my fair state and his wife. Eclipse flash mob! Crazy.

          17. Steverino247

            I had a migrant farmworker walk by so I had him see the eclipse first through a special filter he held up and then through the scope. He was impressed, but I don't think he's going to apply for Dr. Tyson's position.

    2. actor212

      I think serpents is taken care of in Florida, what with Burmese pythons and the African rock python, which when they interbreed create a kind of superserpent that is quite capable of swallowing small humans whole.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Rabid honey badgers. To infest the GOP convention, you need a critter that doesn't give a shit.

    3. tessiee

      Haw, we'll see how handsome Ryan is when he's covered with suppurating boils.
      Agonizingly painful suppurating boils.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      The Smiting will not be right back after a message
      About a white tornado, white lightning, or white people.
      NBC will not be able predict the winner at 8:32
      Or report from 29 districts.
      The Smiting will not be televised.

      1. IonaTrailer

        "The RNC will not be televised
        It will not appear on your tv
        It will not bring prosperity
        The RNC will not be televised"

        (With apologies to Gil Scott Heron, RIP)

  2. memzilla

    A hurricane hitting Tampa in time for the RNC convention would definitely restore my faith in G-d!

    1. OzoneTom

      Dr Jeff Masters first had the probability for evacuation in Tampa during the convention at 1%. then 2% yesterday, now 3% today.

      But Issac is headed for warmer water and wind shear remains low.

      If any are prayin' folk, now's the time! (To pray for the safety of our Wonketeers and Editrix of course!)

    2. jjdaddyo

      If we get a vote, I vote for a pillar of fire obliterating the convention center, Sarah Palin turned into a pillar of salt, followed by a plague of frogs.

      1. YasserArraFeck

        Sorry, you want Lou Sarah turned into a pillar of salt and then into a plague of frogs? She's already a plague of screeching bullshit.

    3. Newsriffs

      I'll consider the existence of God, when I see the news footage of the bloated, crab nibbled, bodies, of all of the delegates, candidates and Donald Trump, floating in Tampa Bay, the day after the hurricane.

        1. YasserArraFeck

          "All of them, Katie"
          One of the early indications that, in addition to being a loathsome human being, Lou Sarah was a blithering idiot.

          1. YasserArraFeck

            I doubt it – any time you give someone a legitimate* excuse to call Snowbillie a blithering idiot, another angel gets her wings.

            *my nomination for "Word of the Year"

    1. PsycWench

      Remember Colorado Springs getting those flash floods and the rightwingers were curiously silent?

      1. AbandonHope_

        Also, the almost-burning-down of said city, stopped only by brave firefighters, who Colorado Springs bravely cut funding and benefits for.

      2. IonaTrailer

        OT but NPR had a brilliant piece several years ago about Christians walking around randomly praying over Colorado Springs. Creeped me out.

    1. Terry

      Knocking the power out to the convention center for the duration would be fabulous. Disabled or inadequate backup generators would be a plus.

  3. MissTaken

    Wasn't there also some ugly hurricane during the 08 GOP convention, too? Or maybe that was just Sarah Palin.

    1. HistoriCat

      You are two for two. The only disappointing part is that I had power while everyone was fapping over Sister Sarah and didn't lose power until the storm made landfall near Galveston.

  4. Texan_Bulldog

    This is so delicious I can barely contain myself. Frankly, if FL snapped off into the Gulf that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing, right?

        1. MosesInvests

          Grew up among mouth-breathing yahoos in FL, and now I'm in TX. Sigh. At least I'm in Austin.

          1. Texan_Bulldog

            Oooohhh….me too. Well, Cedar Park–which is pretty conservative but there are a few closet Dems up here.

      1. Harrison Wintergreen

        My condolences. I lived in that "barren sandspit, unfit for human habitation*" for 20-odd years (and they were indeed odd [rimshot]) before escaping in 1995. I live in Ohio now. It ain't great, but it ain't Florida, and that's something.

        *in the immortal words of Ponce de Leon

    1. glasspusher

      Good point. I mean, if you got drunk and passed out when the hurricane went by, that's almost asking for it, isn't it?

  5. glasspusher

    May I recommend 2001: A Sex Oddesey, if you're looking for a good club. Slightly north of Tampa

  6. Oblios_Cap

    See? God spared Isaac for a reason. He was saving him for some serious smiting of the unrighteous. Our Editrix will be alright.

  7. freakishlywrong

    He who is stupideth enough to haseth a fucking convention in FL. in fucking late August, really, they deserveth whatever happens. Really.

  8. GunToting[Redacted]

    I'm looking forward to the footage of Romney ordering the Secret Service to start shooting at the delegates when they try to get into Raymond James Stadium at the height of the storm surge.

    1. kittensdontlie

      And a few days later BoBama can do a fly over, and be photographed at the plane's window giving the one-fingered salute to the conventioneers.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      With all the concealed-carry wingnuts in town, and a rapidly-decreasing amount of ground to stand, what could possibly go wrong? I'm picturing the Katrina Superdome scene, but with lots of guns and angry white morons thrown into the mix. When the National Guard comes in to put 'em down, the helicopters might as well be black.

  9. johnnyzhivago

    I'm sure if Tampa is hit by the hurricane, the nutcases in the GOP will say that it's God raining his tears on the city for the horrible curse of gay Islamic feminist socialist liberalism in America.

      1. pepperpat

        Those aren't mountains. They're landfills covered in grass. Regardless, it's quite impressive that your tits are bigger than them, because there are a lot of huge landfill-mountains here!

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Not quite landfills — they're gypsum stacks, aka phosphate waste piles.

          Florida has a billion tons (literally, one billion tons) of this stuff piled up. Eventually, they'll be tropical islands, and all that's left of Florida real estate — too bad they're acidic as hell, and radioactive.

  10. Ruhe

    I believe "Isaac" means "the laughing one" so perhaps God is sending his death swirly to Florida because the only thing funnier than Republican hate politics is Republican death politics.

  11. Goonemeritus

    There is no way you are going to find a titty bar that has any room with the GOP in town. Your best bet is to find a Black Church to ride out the storm, GOP members avoid them the way I steer clear of square dances.

    1. glasspusher

      Not to worry. Most of the delegates will be busy with the rentboys on Clearwater Beach and hotels adjacent to it.

      1. pepperpat

        I have a gay male friend currently stuck in Tampa's airport due to bad weather. I should tell him to take advantage of the inconvenience cuz he can probably make quite a few bucks.

  12. mavenmaven

    Of course! The GOP is redefining rape in advance of all the expected 'issues' at the strip clubs after their meeting in Tampa…

  13. seppdecker

    If God is running around the convention, GOP women need to beware swans, golden showers, and other "immaculate" knock-ups. They're unlikely to find any sympathy from their comrades.

  14. Ruhe

    Does everyone remember the scene in West Wing when Pres. Bartlett smashes out his cigarette on the floor of the church and then calls God "a feckless thug". That really is the god that many Republicans, like Bachman, seem to believe in. Like an alcoholic father who can't keep his family in order but only shows up drunk to deliver some abuse, theirs is a God who seems incapable of actually getting anything done but who loves to lash out angrily from time to time. And they love him for it. Republicans need theological alanon.

  15. PsycWench

    I await a crop of excuses for being found in porn theaters, bondage clubs, gay hangouts…"The hurricane blew me into here".

    1. glasspusher

      Blown inside, blown outside…

      "I pulled into a Shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said 'Keep my personal life out of this!' "

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Invincible ignorance" is exactly that: If the storm of the century came along and wiped Tampa from the face of the earth, these retarded fuckers would make a big deal of the fact that 87 titty bars got demolished, but only one convention center.

  16. el_donaldo

    Given that God's venting Her wrath on the Republican party, maybe this time She'll send a host of angry vaginas?

    1. actor212

      Hm, you know, it occurs to me that I missed a bet over the past four years of not seeing to it that every hooker had syphillis or gonorrhea.

  17. Serolf_Divad

    Anyone here who thinks a hurricane would not be blamed on Republicans repudiating the divine science of Todd Akin, just doesn't know the GOP the way I know the GOP.

  18. randcoolcatdaddy

    Here's looking forward to a bunch of Republican men squealing like a bunch of little girls when all hell breaks loose.

    1. tessiee

      *puts on dark wraparound shades*
      *sings*

      Blow wind, blow wind
      Blow my country back to me
      Blow wind, blow wind
      Blow my country back to me
      Well you know if these assholes get to run it, we'll all be in misery

      Goodbye wingnuts that is all I have left to say
      Ohh, goodbye wingnuts, that is all I have left to say
      But you have lost your good thing
      Go ahead and be on your way

  19. fartknocker

    Mitt is sure having a shitty month. And as hard as I try to be kind and not be judgmental, I am enjoying watching this.

    1. tessiee

      As long as he has a shitty month in November, I don't much care what happens between now and then.

      [but yeah, seconded on the enjoyment]

  20. friendlyskies

    I'm kind of hoping that the Christian nutters will interpret this as the RNC's punishment for nominating a Mormon and/or RINO rather than, say, Rick Santorum for POTUS. It'd be hilarious if they went to the time and expense of passing Citizens United and all those Voter ID laws, but were sabotaged internally by the backwoods fundie fifth column who doesn't understand that funneling Social Security and Medicare to our financial barons is eminently more important than their petty socialist God.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Not an issue: The GOP could nominate Zombie Joe Stalin, and he'd still be the Great White Hope to the racist dumbfuck demographic.

        1. tessiee

          Krusty: Well, he framed me for armed robbery, but man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut…

  21. Incitefully_Joe

    Pretty sure a hurricaine is hitting Tampa just in time for the RNC because of libruls and the gays. It's God's way of saying that he hates the libruls who aren't there and the gays who are completely shat on by the Tony Perkins-written platform. Logic!

  22. James Michael Curley

    Lets face it.
    If you were a hurricane would you want to be in Tampa with all those republicans?

    1. tessiee

      Who are you trying to kid, Sharkey?
      We can all read you like a cello-music-playing book.
      You're hoping the hurricane will knock them all into the ocean so you can OM NOM NOM their fat, pasty white asses.
      And I, for one, approve.

  23. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "I don't always pray, but when I do, I pray for this."

    – the Most Interesting Liberal in the World

  24. Terry

    Gee, a hurricane threatening and maybe hitting the GOP convention means that the GOP'ers are going to be relying on nasty old big government and those heathen scientists. Weather forecasting, government mandated evacuations, search and rescue, aid to survivors, government backed flood insurance, all sorts of things that the Republicans stand firmly against.

  25. Jerri

    Didn't god smite the Walnuts convention with bad weather, too? I seem to remember them having to tone down the crazy slightly because of a weather tragedy.

  26. Eve8Apples

    It's been a couple of years since Florida has received a good enema from Mother Nature. Tampa during a GOP convention is the appropriate place to plug it in. If there is a God, Romney will be delivering his acceptance speech when the storm hits.

        1. pepperpat

          I suspect any educational software produced by a member of the Bush family would make even Einstein dumb.

  27. lunchbox360

    Hurricane Isaac is only relevant because Hurricane Abraham kicked Hurricane Ishmael out of the Hurricane Family.

  28. Angry_Marmot

    There will be weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth– so get plenty of cash out of the ATM before electricity cuts out in the titty bars and all will be well.

  29. cheetojeebus

    Dear Editrix,
    You are hereby excused from delivering a live from the seawall during a friggin storm blog post.
    Best thing would be to put some distance between you and the convention center.
    Cheeto-trust me, i rode out Carla.

    1. Misty Malarky

      If you get caught in the storm may I suggest battening down your hatches by lashing yourself to Jim Cantore's lightning rod

      1. Terry

        Oh, boy, do I have a long time crush on Jim Cantore. A few months after I left south Louisiana, he did a live broadcast during a storm about two blocks from where I had lived. Had I still been living there, I'd have driven over to offer him a cool beverage and some moral support.

  30. Generation[redacted]

    Don't worry. If it's a legitimate hurricane, Republicans have a way of shutting the whole thing down.

    1. randcoolcatdaddy

      Cancel it? Cowards … they just need to man up and face their legitimate Mother Nature rape.

  31. northernbassist

    "I'm a fan of all seven. But right now, I think I'm gonna have to go with wrath."–Captain Malcolm Reynolds

  32. James Michael Curley

    "Michael Baumgartner, a Republican candidate for U.S. Senate in Washington State, took exception to an article written about him this week, emailing the author to tell him to "go fuck yourself.""

  33. freakishlywrong

    TD 10 has now formed out in the Atlantic as well. Looks to be on the same path as Isaac. God REALLY doesn't like liars.

  34. Eve8Apples

    Florida titty bars offer great prizes in their wet t-shirt contests when the hurricanes blow ashore.

  35. docterry6973

    I can't hope for a hurricane to hit anywhere. Maybe just a daily shower over Mitt's head. I think the soaked, bedraggled look would be great for him. Maybe someone could get him a nice poncho.

  36. EarnestTaxpayer

    If Isaac follows the current forecast model, he appears to be prepared to take Tampa from behind.

  37. Baba_NinjaCat12

    <<Thunder>> THIS IS GOD, I AM NOT PLEASE WITH YOUR POLITICAL STUPIDITY. <<Thunder>> <<Thunder>> <<Thunder>> I AM SENDING IN A HURRICANE NAMED ISAAC, NOT THE BIBLICAL NAME BUT AN INTELLIGENT CHRISTIAN AND RATIONAL FELLOW, THE ONE WHO DESCRIBE UNIVERSAL GRAVITATION AND THREE LAWS OF MOTION. <<Thunder>> <<Thunder>>

  38. ttommyunger

    All this week they've endured a shit-storm in Missouri, looking for a Hurricane next week in Tampa, what next? Oh, right: massive landslide in November.

  39. ksterlings

    Might I recommend a little hole in the wall across the bay in St Pete, Lucky Star, built like a bunker to hold the gays while getting smashed on cheap drinks.

  40. TribecaMike

    The graphic reminds me that I haven't played Age of Mythology: The Joseph Smith Edition in a while. Well, there goes my social life for the next few weeks.

  41. tessiee

    God: Why are you smiting yourself? Why are you smiting yourself? Why are you smiting yourself?…

  42. C_R_Trogloraptor

    I've lived on or near the Atlantic Coast all my life. I've had to run away from several, had to shelter in place for a few and sweated out the passage of lots more. Hurricane season is no joke at all, here: disaster preparation is essential, watching the weather everyday is crucial and you have to be ready to Bug Out at a moment's notice. Hurricanes are huge, devastating and by far the scariest things I've ever been through – bar none.

    I always wish the storm track to run out to sea, because the consequences if they hit can be terrible. Normally, I would not wish them on anyone.

    All that said, I will laugh and drink myself into hysterical exhaustion next week.
    However the storm track resolves, the fact remains that Tampa – one of the nation's most spread out and least served by Mass Transit cities – will be hit by at least heavy winds, flooding and rain during a convention full of middle-aged anti-government Global Warming Denier Anarcho-Capitalists. They will probably end up needing help from The Government.

    This will be fun, for me. I'll be Waiting for the Hurricane.

  43. OldRedneck

    Anyone with half a brain knows that August is the worst month for hurricanes in Florida and along the Gulf Coast. This FACT is based on the science and history of hurricanes.

    Oh, wait a minute — that explains it!! We're talking about the Republikan Party here and they don't need no stinking science or history!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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