WILL THIS BE OUR LAST TODD AKIN POST?  9:31 am August 22, 2012

Phyllis Schlafly And Bryan Fischer Pretty Much Think Todd Akin Is Jesus

by Doktor Zoom

I've got a lot of problems with you people!Perfidious cockbucket Todd Akin received enthusiastic support Tuesday from noted insane persons Phyllis Schlafly and Bryan Fischer. Remarkably, this is not expected to hurt his chances for election to the US Senate.

Reaching previously unplumbed depths of either cluelessness or chicanery — even for her — Ms. Schlafly carefully explained that Akin was not in favor of rape, a position that literally no one on the planet has claimed he was taking:

“He’s not for rape. That’s ridiculous,” said Schlafly, founder of the Eagle Forum. “They’re making a big thing about an unfortunate remark.”

Schlafly also believes that there is no such thing as marital rape, and that feminists simply made up the concept to hurt men in divorce and child custody cases, a position which is shared by alleged human being Todd Akin.

The addled old filthweasel also received full-throated support from the American Patriarchy Association’s Bryan Fischer, who simply cannot find too many superlatives for the Missouri Congressman. Needless to say, Fischer is quite certain that Akin accurately described how ladyparts actually prevent pregnancy during rape. It should be noted that this is a highly innovative and perhaps wholly fanciful understanding of the workings of ladygardens; indeed, so-called “real medical doctors” dismiss it using terms like “nonsense,” “absurd,” and “There are no words for this — it is just nuts,” so it seems responsible to say that maybe the jury is still out.

In the blinding light of Mr. Akin’s mastery of scientific truth, Fischer also patiently explained, with the help of American Patriarchy Association president Tim Wildmon, that criticism of Akin is indistinguishable from the treatment that the Pharisees gave another person who had innovative ideas on pregnancy, Our Lord Jesus Christ:


“You know the Gospel writers say that they kept looking for some way to trap Jesus in something that he might say, just one single word they could jump on to try to discredit him and that’s what they did with Todd Akin and his comments about rape,” Fischer said.

Finally, Fischer reminded us to remember the real victim in all this: The pathologically story-changing, ignorant-of-basic-biology, heroically despicable assclown Todd Akin:

Fischer lamented that “everybody is gang tackling Todd Akin.” “You talk about a forcible situation, you talk about somebody being a victim of forcible assault, that would be Todd Akin,” Fischer maintained.

All Mr. Fischer asks is that GOP officials behave themselves, and stop raping Todd Akin. Mr. Akin pledges, if elected, to support research on how babby is formed, and whether pregnancy can be affected by the motions of the planets, evil spirits, or imbalances in the bodily humours.

[Right Wing Watch / Slate]

 

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{ 231 comments }

Barb_ August 22, 2012 at 9:33 am

We can't fix stupid but we can certainly stop voting for it.

Maman August 22, 2012 at 9:42 am

Sure, we can, but will THEY?

LibertyLover August 22, 2012 at 10:25 am

What do you do about stupid people voting for more stupid people though?

Beowoof August 22, 2012 at 10:49 am

What scares me is the number of Americans that will think this is just fine. We have a group in the republicans that plays down that fancy book learning and goes with common sense. As Mark Twain said, Common sense isn't very common". And the Charlie Pierce corollary which is: "and it often doesn't make much sense". We are living in an age when ignorance is celebrated, encouraged and we are in trouble for it. The rest of the world continues to laugh at us.

sewollef August 22, 2012 at 12:41 pm

"The rest of the world continues to laugh at us."

Well, I'm part of the rest of the world in your scenario [as a 'resident alien' in the US]… and rest assured, I ain't laughing.

Unless you count hysteria.

Beowoof August 22, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Ah but you are here, if you were safe somewhere else, the shit these nitwits put would be a joke.

BerkeleyBear August 22, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Twain was riffing on Voltaire, who proclaimed that common sense was one of the least common things in the world.

The best translation of the political meaning of "common sense" is "stuff everyone on my side of the issue agrees with so it must be right."

I blame that Scottish arsehole Paine and his propaganda leaflet – which really is about the perfect embodiment of this problem, since it used "common sense" to describe an extreme position that maybe a tenth of American population actually embraced – but to that ten percent, man, it was clear as day.

KathrynSane August 22, 2012 at 9:34 am

“You talk about a forcible situation, you talk about somebody being a victim of forcible assault, that would be Todd Akin,” Fischer maintained.

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

ShreditorsDesk August 22, 2012 at 9:41 am

Stick around sweetie, I'm makin popcorn for everybody!

Angry_Marmot August 22, 2012 at 9:55 am

Yeah, sure, like Kolob's gonna solve all your problems…

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 10:11 am

When I feel like that, I try to imagine the world as one giant Renaissance festival, and people like Schlafly and Fischer are the pickle vendors, because only an insane person would eat a pickle out of a barrel that's been walked around a dusty horse pasture in the hot summer sun.

It helps keep things in perspective.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 11:46 am

*awe-stricken*
I…
I think this may be the single nerdiest thing I've ever read anywhere.
My hat is off to you.

BerkeleyBear August 22, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Really? I'd go with giant turkey leg vendors – since it is ridiculously heavy in calories, doesn't have the acidic barrier of pickles and you, know, could kill you with salmonella if it wasn't cooked thoroughly. Too bad there isn't a chicken salad on white bread with extra mayo concession at Ren Faires and such – then we could really cut down on the crazy white trash population.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Also, I'm pretty sure that turkey is specific to the North American continent, so the only people eating turkey legs during the Renaissance were Native American Indians.

kittensdontlie August 22, 2012 at 1:12 pm

But what planet are THEY living on???

no_gravity August 22, 2012 at 9:35 am

Bryan Fischer – Top or Bottom?

freakishlywrong August 22, 2012 at 9:38 am

Bottom. No doubt.

elviouslyqueer August 22, 2012 at 9:43 am

Only his dildo knows for sure.

Dudleydidwrong August 22, 2012 at 9:50 am

He IS the dildo.

Gratuitous World August 22, 2012 at 9:52 am

power bottom

thatsitfortheother1 August 22, 2012 at 9:54 am

Yes.

1stNewtontheMoon August 22, 2012 at 9:58 am

Phyllis Schafly – Asshole or [that word John used to describe Cindy]?

sullivanst August 22, 2012 at 10:24 am

One, she uses for talking; the other, might as well be Barbie, that thing is derelict.

SavageDrummer August 22, 2012 at 10:08 am

Implying that he's not the middle of a hot all male gay-bashing-sandwich?

Jus_Wonderin August 22, 2012 at 10:48 am

Pig Bottom, for sure.

KathrynSane August 22, 2012 at 9:35 am

Also, "American Patriarchy Association"? I thought that was just called "America."

noodlesalad August 22, 2012 at 9:47 am

They're committed to all the values of our Founding FATHERS, which include denying women the right to vote, minorities the right to vote,and non-property holding white men the right to vote. And freedumb, also, except for the slaves and proles.

1stNewtontheMoon August 22, 2012 at 9:59 am

is proles another word for native 'merikuns?

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 11:49 am

Say what you will about the Founding Fathers; they may have had eighteenth-century mindsets, but that's because they actually *lived* in the eighteenth century.

Schmannnity August 22, 2012 at 9:35 am

Missouri: The Show Me Rape state.

Terry August 22, 2012 at 9:35 am

To call Phyllis Schlafly and Bryan Fischer brain dead parasites is an insult to tapeworms and leeches.

johnnyzhivago August 22, 2012 at 9:36 am

Since the GOP is now the American Taliban, can we start attacking them with drones??

We have Air Force bases near Tampa, don't we?

thatsitfortheother1 August 22, 2012 at 9:43 am

MacDill AFB. Only a hop, skip and Hellfire away.

Oblios_Cap August 22, 2012 at 10:09 am

God's sending Isaac. If you want a job done right, do it yourself.

mavenmaven August 22, 2012 at 9:37 am

If only Akin had a cake or chicken place, business would be hummin'…

sewollef August 22, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Well, he's a cartoon human, so maybe he secretly owns Popeye's….

For those special Zatarain's spices on your fetus.

One_who_wanders August 22, 2012 at 9:37 am

mutter . . . Forcible assault . . . mutter . . .Goddamn guidelines.

I hope these two gentlemen and that lady all have very bad days!!

Angry_Marmot August 22, 2012 at 9:55 am

With votes!

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 11:50 am

I'm drafting a strongly worded statement even as I type this.

FakaktaSouth August 22, 2012 at 9:38 am

I have decided I love this idea and plan to use my secret biological control system to also reject food I didn't mean to eat after the fact. Hey ice cream, screw YOU, you can't make me fat ever ever ever.

PuckStopsHere August 22, 2012 at 9:46 am

God, it must be great to be a woman.

thatsitfortheother1 August 22, 2012 at 9:50 am

In nearly every way, except "I gotta peeeee in this alley."

viennawoods13 August 22, 2012 at 10:01 am

Same goes for "in the woods"

thatsitfortheother1 August 22, 2012 at 10:05 am

I knew some girls back home in Colorado who were quite adept. However, my German wife would rather explode than go in the woods…

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 11:54 am

"Hey ice cream, screw YOU, you can't make me fat ever ever ever."

Ooh! Ooh!
I want one that makes ice cream go to my boobs!

kittensdontlie August 22, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Ordinarily, breast enlargement ice creams are topically applied, which seems kind of a waste. My favorite kind, Melon Mania (with real fruit).

deanbooth August 22, 2012 at 9:38 am

Jesus is like a reproductive Maxwell's demon, opening and closing the sperm door, letting only the "legitimate" sperm through.

WIDTAP August 22, 2012 at 9:39 am

Who would Swedish Jesus rape?

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 9:56 am

Lisbeth Salander?

glasspusher August 22, 2012 at 1:08 pm

If everybody always wants you to fuck them, you're incapable of rape.

doloras August 22, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Julian Assange?

Jerri August 22, 2012 at 9:39 am

Fischer lamented that “everybody is gang tackling Todd Akin.” “You talk about a forcible situation, you talk about somebody being a victim of forcible assault, that would be Todd Akin,” Fischer maintained.

Excuse me one moment.

Ahem.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

Okay.

MozakiBlocks August 22, 2012 at 11:07 am

Yeah, what you said.

freakishlywrong August 22, 2012 at 9:39 am

Withered old prune(s) said what?

RadioBowels August 22, 2012 at 9:39 am

To be fair, they just want to go back to the halcyon times when a woman didn't have a clitoris.

vtxmcrider August 22, 2012 at 9:52 am

I hear the GOP is proposing a bill to require female genital mutilation: lob off the clit and sew the snatch shut. No more need for abortion and birth control. It will be all buttsecks and David Dreier and Lindsey Graham will show them all how it's done.

RadioBowels August 22, 2012 at 9:57 am

Female circumcision = religious freedom!

thatsitfortheother1 August 22, 2012 at 10:06 am

They are inching ever closer.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 11:56 am

The way they treat women and children now is pretty much honor killing, just in slow motion.

Clancy_Pants August 22, 2012 at 9:40 am

Hmmm let's try something:

“If it’s a gang tackling, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

Nope. Still sounds like an ignorant douche.

ShreditorsDesk August 22, 2012 at 9:40 am

I heard she died, is she a zombie for jesus now? Clearly she needs more brains.

vtxmcrider August 22, 2012 at 9:55 am

Syphilis Schlafly has always been a zombie for Jesus. With a mother like that, her queer son must be so full of self-loathing.

arihaya August 22, 2012 at 9:40 am

Phyllis Schlafly And Bryan Fischer Pretty Much Think Todd Akin Is Jesus

Let's crucify Todd Akin, then !!!

With Votes !!

GemlikeFlame August 22, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Better, let's stop giving him any more publicity so that his fellow travelers will have a harder time finding him and each other.

Guess we'd have to shut down the Internet. And Fox. Also.

freakishlywrong August 22, 2012 at 9:40 am

Are we really going to argue now that someone is "for rape"? Adding; Jesus Christ this stupid fucking country.

TootsStansbury August 22, 2012 at 10:05 am

Real Americans watch shit on TLC. We're doomed.

Doktor Zoom August 22, 2012 at 10:29 am

No, we aren't arguing that. We're listening to someone argue that some undefined other person accused Akin of being for rape. And by golly, she denies that!

sullivanst August 22, 2012 at 10:43 am

The right: the fiercest, most fearless enemy of men of straw.

Gleem McShineys August 22, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Emily Latella could have made an awesome rightnut pundit, if only she were alive today.

She'd have to drop that "Nevermind" part though.

johnnyzhivago August 22, 2012 at 9:40 am

In all seriousness, and all snark aside, the USA has now become the laughing stock of the entire world.

Now you ALL KNOW what it's like to live in New Jersey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SavageDrummer August 22, 2012 at 10:12 am

As a Canadian, I can attest that we've been laughing at you guys for years… Now it's getting closer to pity, actually…

viennawoods13 August 22, 2012 at 10:19 am

More like fear. They are too close… the crazy is started to seep northward across the border.

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 10:19 am

True story:

On vacation last week– struggling island nation near Venezuela which could easily fall to Chavez if not for the American tourist money, and don't think they don't resent many of us– I got into a loud discussion in a restaurant with a retired UPS line manager who hates unions and hates liberals and in particular, our centrist corporatist President.

When I left the restaurant, the staff came out and gave me an ovation. I hope I left a good tip.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 11:59 am

Ha ha, I'm FROM New Jersey, so I *already* knew what it was like to be a laughing–…

Awwwwwww.

Callyson August 22, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Except for Chris Christie, the Garden State is looking pretty good these days compared to Arizona, Texas, Florida, Missouri…

C_R_Trogloraptor August 22, 2012 at 7:03 pm

I'm from New Jersey, too. There's people who actually flinch and step back a little when I tell them that. It has come in hands a few times, I have to admit.

These days, I'd sure as hell rather say I'm from New Jersey than, say, Texas. Missouri. I could go on.

ManchuCandidate August 22, 2012 at 9:40 am

And they call themselves good Xtians. Not even suggesting an Asprin between the knees to ward off rape. Cause that's all it takes according to some folks.

thatsitfortheother1 August 22, 2012 at 9:41 am

Dr Zoom, you have hit another one out of the park.

arihaya August 22, 2012 at 9:41 am

Bwyan Fischer, eh? So, your father was a Woman?

Jerri August 22, 2012 at 9:42 am

I'd be enjoying the schadenfreude or whatever this is a lot more if the GOP hadn't let the whole "No exceptions for rape/incset" bit into their party platform.
http://www.npr.org/blogs/itsallpolitics/2012/08/2

Biff August 22, 2012 at 10:04 am

Proof that Akin merely said what they are all thinking, so why give him the boot? Leave him in place as their nominee, for all the world to see.

HistoriCat August 22, 2012 at 10:42 am

They want to give him the boot for making the non-true believers see what they want to do. This is really a quiet room topic.

sullivanst August 22, 2012 at 10:44 am

Nailhead, hammer, BLAMMO.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 12:14 pm

"Akin merely said what they are all thinking [...] Leave him in place as their nominee, for all the world to see"

That's the one bright side of this whole appalling situation; it's forced those ass marmots to admit — and campaign on — their real platform, instead of sneaking the Clean Water/Slice off the Ladyparts bill past congress six months from now.

I *would* feel a lot better if I thought this would do anything to hurt their chance of getting elected, though.

noodlesalad August 22, 2012 at 9:42 am

NEVER FORGET the real victims of rape are in America, old white male Republican politicians and their attendant scolds and finger-pointers, whose towers of logic were crashed into by the Pharisee Terrorist Librul Media and Judas Iscariot RINO islamists.

docteur_giraud August 22, 2012 at 9:42 am

This is the way ideas advance in the modern Republican Party. Crazy bastard says vicious, stupid shit; one by one, everyone else comes around to support crazy bastard and double down on the viciousness and stupidity. It's an organic process, and our wonderful media is surprised by it every time.

johnnyzhivago August 22, 2012 at 9:42 am

If the GOP put "adopt Sharia Law" throughout the USA, do they realize they could save about a hundred pages of printing in their platform?

ChillBill August 22, 2012 at 9:44 am

Todd Akin can turn wingnuts into whine.

kittensdontlie August 22, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Actually, he is more akin to the Anti-Christ, with his followers suffering from deafness, blindness, and demonical possessions and visions.

Estproph August 22, 2012 at 9:44 am

"Mr. Akin pledges, if elected, to support research on how babby is formed…"

I literally LOL'ed.

sudsmckenzie August 22, 2012 at 9:44 am

Well, he did perform the "miracle" of keeping the Senate seat dem.

fuflans August 22, 2012 at 9:44 am

You know the Gospel writers say that they kept looking for some way to trap Jesus in something that he might say, just one single word they could jump on to try to discredit him and that’s what they did with Todd Akin

next up for todd: crown of thrones, scourging.

comrad_darkness August 22, 2012 at 10:08 am

And the jews are never going to vote to free him.

PuckStopsHere August 22, 2012 at 9:45 am

The GOP is once again being pre-woman to the extreme and I, for one, don't understand how all of you don't get that. Since rape is not a cause of pregnancy, there will be no need any longer to force women to pay for their own rape kits. See?

comrad_darkness August 22, 2012 at 10:09 am

That was Sarah Palin's policy in AK. Once again, she was a trailblazer.

thatsitfortheother1 August 22, 2012 at 10:18 am

I thought you said tailblazer…

Maman August 22, 2012 at 9:45 am

"…you talk about somebody being a victim of forcible assault, that would be Todd Akin,” Fischer maintained.

Yup. He's lying about his rape too.

Estproph August 22, 2012 at 9:45 am

These jackasses keep promising to secede and form their own cuntry. WTF is taking them so long?

comrad_darkness August 22, 2012 at 10:11 am

Maybe we need to try reverse psychology.

Oh, Alabama, Georgia, Missouri, please don't secede. We really, um, need you.

Angry_Marmot August 22, 2012 at 9:46 am

They reject the culture of victimhood, but they sure do wrap it around themselves when someone rejects their beliefs.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Or questions them, or states a fact that disproves one of their many absurd beliefs, or doesn't allow them to control every aspect of their lives, or looks at them cross-eyed, or does anything but fall at their feet with groveling praise.

Veritas78 August 22, 2012 at 9:47 am

His fellow prison counsellor describes him as "far to the right of Rush Limbaugh." So if he wins, he'll make DeMint and Inhofe look like moderates.

Dr_Zoidberg August 22, 2012 at 9:47 am

And this is why I'm an atheist. If there was a God, he would have struck these idiots down.

Incitefully_Joe August 22, 2012 at 10:14 am

Honestly, I have a generally positive view of certain teachings in the Bible (things like helping the poor and downtrodden, being nice to immigrants, etc, which are generally ignored by these folks), I too generally consider myself in this category. The supernatural bullshit and bad history were bad enough, but having to share a label with these people, who are loud-mouthed and prolific enough that they really do manage to pretty much completely usurp the meaning of "Christian", was basically the final straw.

I'm generally cool with calling myself a Deist Universalist who cribs a lot of my religious views from Quakerism, though.

proudgrampa August 22, 2012 at 11:07 am

People like these are why I decided to become a Buddhist / Pastafarian.

Caelan Aegana August 22, 2012 at 11:52 am

FSM/Darwinfish 2012!

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Alfredo, who art in Heaven…

Misty Malarky August 22, 2012 at 9:49 am

"He’s not for rape"

Worst. Campaign. Slogan. Ever.

RadioBowels August 22, 2012 at 10:00 am

How about "Stop Forcibly Gang-Tackling Me!"?

T3rbo August 22, 2012 at 10:31 am

how could he be, if it does not even exist?

Estproph August 22, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Especially since that slogan will alienate his base.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 7:35 pm

I'm only surprised that his slogan didn't say, "He IS for rape".

elviouslyqueer August 22, 2012 at 9:49 am

If ever two motor-mouthed fuckholes were in dire need of a smiting, it would be these morans.

PS to Phyllis: is there a reason why you're not in the kitchen fixing me my damn sammich? Don't make me come in there and smack you around, woman!

ChillBill August 22, 2012 at 9:49 am

I'd make a Phyllis Schlafly rape joke, but it'd be too easy and still unfunny.

thatsitfortheother1 August 22, 2012 at 9:57 am

I'm guessing she's safe.

Angry_Marmot August 22, 2012 at 10:00 am

Let's keep it reasonable– Phyllis is too old to rape anybody.

x111e7thst August 22, 2012 at 9:50 am

But if women get raped they should just relax and enjoy it, right? And then the the anti-baby defenses won't work, so now I'm all confused. Best to wait till Rush weighs in to clarify matters.

HistoriCat August 22, 2012 at 10:47 am

Rush – "why would anyone want to rape one of those women? They're all sluts! Now find me a nice 10 year old boy with smooth brown skin and we can talk about rape. Yum!"

SpeedoFart August 22, 2012 at 11:35 am

Heee hee hee. "Rush" "weighs".

Hee hee hee!

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Check this out:

When I used to live in North Carolina, the "people" there used "right" as an intensifier (like "wicked" in New England), and it was clever (for them) to use it in comic understatement. Like, if it was pouring rain and somebody came in with their clothes soaking wet, they'd say, "Hey, y'all, it's right damp out".

This reached the height of wit when somebody came out with a parody version of the "Rush is Right" bumper sticker that read, "Rush is Right Fat".

Tundra Grifter August 22, 2012 at 9:50 am

I think the GNoP put The Onion out of business. I guess it's still online – but I haven't seen a paper copy in years, and I blame these "conseratives."

The poor Onion just couldn't beat reality.

Chet Kincaid_ August 22, 2012 at 10:08 am

The Onion is thriving online, and nobody reads anything on paper anymore.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Au contraire, mon frere; the good people of The Onion are having a richly deserved field day with Akin:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/pregnant-woman-r

and:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/republicans-cond

and:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/congressman-preg

And my personal favorite:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-misspokewhat-i

SigDeFlyinMonky August 22, 2012 at 9:50 am

Humors people! I'm surprised I need to remind you that we need further research into how the four bodily humors might effect the ladyparts and their receptivity to the gift of homunculi.

Biff August 22, 2012 at 10:09 am

So maybe if there's already a toad or a small dwarf dwelling in a woman's belly, there's no room for a babby?

eggsacklywright August 22, 2012 at 10:10 am

Oh dear, now I'm a-gettin' the vapours.

Allmighty_Manos August 22, 2012 at 9:51 am

I'm guessing if a Tea Party candidate was caught in a naked black mass orgy, sacrificing goats to Lucifer, Bryan Fischer would be the first to jump to the guy's defense.

Angry_Marmot August 22, 2012 at 10:02 am

Goats lie.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 12:41 pm

You and Torgo would know all about THAT!
$>: – ]

One_who_wanders August 22, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Wait, is this another Wonkette meeting I did not hear about?

Sister_Ray August 22, 2012 at 9:51 am

Phyllis Schlafly?? More like Phallus Shaftly!

… Because she is a huge dick.

That's all I got

TootsStansbury August 22, 2012 at 10:04 am

Shhhhh. That taunt throughout her childhood is what caused her to turn out to be such a crazy bitch.

sullivanst August 22, 2012 at 10:54 am

Fallacy Schlafly would also work.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Are you… talkin' 'bout Shaft?

C_R_Trogloraptor August 22, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Shut Yo' Mouth!

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 9:54 am

Schlafly and Fischer.

One blows, the other swallows.

Beetagger August 22, 2012 at 9:54 am

I read the official republican platform yesterday….. it is batshit crazy, American Taliban stuff. If this election is even close, I want to move to Mars.

RadioBowels August 22, 2012 at 9:55 am

We've also got to provide tax cuts to the Sadducees, because Todd Akin is a pro-job victim/candidate.

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 9:55 am

Needless to say, Fischer is quite certain that Akin accurately described how ladyparts actually prevent pregnancy during rape.

I was surprised to find out that Fischer has a wife with lady-parts, as well as two children.

Who likely resemble the paperboy.

Ruhe August 22, 2012 at 9:58 am

Okay. So we try to make the reasonable response and counter that, first of all, nobody is saying Akin thinks rape is "legitimate' or that he is somehow defending rapists. No, all we're saying is that Akin seems to be saying that sometimes women lie about being raped and that, given his expert understanding of coochie mechanics, a pregnancy is proof that there was in fact no rape…so bizzaro world QED. And their reply? A clear-eyed, bold-faced yes, yes that is what we're saying.

actor212 August 22, 2012 at 9:59 am

Fischer lamented that “everybody is gang tackling Todd Akin.”

Not me, buddy! I prefer my women with a little more meat than Skeletor there.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Well, hellooOOOO!
[shakes ass in seductive and elegant manner]

thatsitfortheother1 August 22, 2012 at 10:00 am

Phyllis Schlafly. Still a dusche after all these years.

And I don't mean a German shower.

Mumbletypeg August 22, 2012 at 10:00 am

Hmmm. You know what other behavior gives "addled, old filthweasels™" a bad name?

RadioBowels August 22, 2012 at 10:17 am

Incontinence?

OurHoboSenator August 22, 2012 at 10:01 am

Please let the anxiety dream I had last night where I never finished writing my thesis nine years ago be actual reality, and waking up in a world where I did actually finish my thesis but these people are taken seriously by half the population be the actual anxiety dream.

thatsitfortheother1 August 22, 2012 at 10:10 am

I use that dream when you are not, it seems. Although it's comps, I'm in my PJs, and haven't attended class in two years.

viennawoods13 August 22, 2012 at 10:23 am

In mine, it's I've been a teacher for years (reality), but I have to take high school classes in the afternoon because I never graduated.

thatsitfortheother1 August 23, 2012 at 5:53 am

Being a Tbagger is a good way to assure that one is not afflicted with this particular dream…

MacRaith August 22, 2012 at 10:01 am

And I went to all the trouble of getting out of bed this morning, only to be greeted by this shit. There's nothing for it but to crawl back under the covers and hope that tomorrow I wake up in a universe populated by sane people.

Biff August 22, 2012 at 10:02 am

Tell me more about the intelligent design of these lady parts…

deanbooth August 22, 2012 at 10:02 am

"Schlafly also believes that there is no such thing as marital rape"

Marital rape is just a natural form of birth control.

johnnymeatworth August 22, 2012 at 10:02 am

Pukeatronic.

Dudleydidwrong August 22, 2012 at 10:02 am

Todd Akin vows to "stay in the race." I assume that he's not talking about the human race because he's never qualified for that.

comrad_darkness August 22, 2012 at 10:02 am

Schlafly must be like, 102 or something? Satan is going to make sure she sticks around a good long time, isn't he?

sullivanst August 22, 2012 at 10:20 am

Further supporting evidence that only the good die young.

KeepFnThatChicken August 22, 2012 at 10:04 am

"Everybody is gang-tackling Todd Akin!"

…but is it legitimate?

elgin_pelican August 22, 2012 at 10:04 am

People have been trying to ram some sense right into Akin, and it didn't take – there must be SOME special process at work. He was right!

thatsitfortheother1 August 22, 2012 at 10:12 am

When legitimate logic comes along, his man parts shut the whole thing down.

BoatOfVelociraptors August 22, 2012 at 11:03 am

*fist pump this comment like I'm on the jersey shore*

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I suspect that there might be a tiny, petrified fragment of brain lodged in that big rectangular skull of his.

Mumbletypeg August 22, 2012 at 10:05 am

the Gospel writers say that they kept looking for some way to trap Jesus in something that he might say, just one single word

Yeah well your same Jesus also is on record saying "By their fruits ye shall know them" and by that standard you Patriarch-twats could never be redeemed from the guilt of your actions for all the fucknuggetry your Christ-defiling, flak-dodging, subterfug'ing words amount to.

IncenseDebate August 22, 2012 at 10:06 am

Jesus was all right, but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It's them twisting it that ruins it for me. – J. Lennon.

Doktor Zoom August 22, 2012 at 10:07 am

Also, too: Today is the final day of the Vlad the Impala tip-jar beg-a-thon (feels like NPR in here…). Won't you please help an impoverished blogger pay for his car repairs?

HistoriCat August 22, 2012 at 11:13 am

Thanks for the reminder Dok – I'm a terrible procrastinator.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 22, 2012 at 7:06 pm

I'd better see a photo of a "This Blog Irks Fascists" bumper sticker! When it's fixed, of course.

slappy_maxwell August 22, 2012 at 10:08 am

I wonder how much Saul Goodman charges Fischer to use his office as a studio for his teevee program?

Incitefully_Joe August 22, 2012 at 10:08 am

Schlafly also believes that there is no such thing as marital rape, and that feminists simply made up the concept to hurt men in divorce and child custody cases, a position which is shared by alleged human being Todd Akin.

Hahahaha fuck you all.

Slim_Pickins August 22, 2012 at 10:10 am

It all makes sense when you realize that the tea party owes more to "Alice in Wonderland" than it does to the Sons of Liberty,

PubOption August 22, 2012 at 10:57 am

Their idea of how the court system should work certainly resembles that of the Red Queen.

not that Dewey August 22, 2012 at 10:10 am

Ultimately, the real victim here is Sarah Palin, and I think it's only fair to call on President Obama to resign.

No, but seriously. "Perfidious cockbucket Todd Akin" — now, THAT'S how you begin a Wonkette article. Ace serve, Dok.

sullivanst August 22, 2012 at 10:15 am

He did promise to steal that one from Hammiepants. Promise kept!

I also notice he had the good taste to purloin "addled old filthweasel" from Fukui, although the original was "addled filthyweasel".

thatsitfortheother1 August 22, 2012 at 10:22 am

Fareed Zakaria libel!

Mumbletypeg August 22, 2012 at 10:30 am
not that Dewey August 22, 2012 at 10:35 am

YOU FOUND IT! I just wasted the last 10 minutes of my life looking for it.

Mumbletypeg August 22, 2012 at 10:39 am

Give me a reason, plz, *not* to utter sthg about 'fist pimps' in the next thread~

Mumbletypeg August 22, 2012 at 10:40 am

adding: hit Last Activity to see The Original 'memefication'* as they called it~

ETA: *or 'mummification' — heh

sullivanst August 22, 2012 at 10:59 am

Thank you, that saved me some time. Silly IntenseDebate, I really must one day get around to writing a comments system that doesn't suck – I'll take over the world!

Monsieur_Grumpe August 22, 2012 at 10:18 am

It’s time Jesus had a sex change.

thatsitfortheother1 August 22, 2012 at 10:23 am

From nun to some?

sullivanst August 22, 2012 at 10:19 am

Ah, so "legitimate rape" now includes people saying you're an asshole because you are?

Sorry, Bryan Fischer, nice try, but you're still only very nearly as despicable a piece of pseudohuman shit as Steve King.

LibertyLover August 22, 2012 at 10:19 am

54% of rape is not reported. Presumably some portion of that 54% of women are on some form of birth control. Republicans want to get rid of women's access to birth control. Won't this result in more pregnancies from rape?

T3rbo August 22, 2012 at 10:34 am

didn't you read the article? Bitches be lyin'

SpeedoFart August 22, 2012 at 11:40 am

Also, too. Lady bits shut that shit down.

Or something.

Nowisallthereis August 22, 2012 at 10:19 am

In the true Mormon tradition, Rmoney should take 3 vice presidents. Ryan, Aiken and Palen.

dennis1943 August 22, 2012 at 10:24 am

Romney wishes he could escape to his home planet……………

ttommyunger August 22, 2012 at 10:25 am

Schlafly, Akin the Fischer: the Perfect Trifecta of old Pee-Crusted Twats.

Millennial Malaise August 22, 2012 at 10:31 am

First of all, this whole discussion is depressing. Putting aside the slut shaming and the OCD level interests in rape taxonomy, I know for a fact that there are "normal" Christians out there. And I don't totally begrudge them for not having a louder voice in this discussion since I'm betting that the vast majority aren't in the leadership and have little to no ability to change it. Not only that, all these Focus on the Family type talking point bullshit mills are poisoning the trough. Sure, they could leave their church. But that misses the point of membership also to a certain degree citizenship. They have no greater power to stop their leaders from saying stupid shit and writing evolution free "science books" in the same way that we had no power to stop Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Religions are much easier to leave, sure and I don’t believe in supernatural things in general. But I know Christians who aren’t like these creepy misogynists! Seriously, I just wish Hot Scowling Jesus up there could smite those old hags for them and for me. Amen.

Badonkadonkette August 22, 2012 at 10:38 am

he's not for rape

Really? Because anyone who says pregnancy negates rape post-facto and women lie about getting raped all the time sure as shit isn't against rape.

Barrelhse August 22, 2012 at 10:40 am

The picture accompanying the article is not Jesus. The eyes are not blue.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 1:10 pm

You're thinking of Mullet Jesus.

VA_Dreaming August 22, 2012 at 10:42 am

What are the reasons to lie about a rape? (1) So that you won't be labeled a slut or tramp.?Ever seen or heard a rape trial. The defense's primary strategy is to call the women a tramp, slut, tease, and try to examine each and every time they have had sex in their entire life. (2) To get a free abortion? First the women has to go through a nasty medical exam that makes a prostate exam seem like a trip to Disney World, then go through hours of skeptical questioning by cops and attorneys who either have to test her for lying, or try to catch her in a lie, plus having her private life dragged out for everyone to judge. (3) To get revenge on a guy who didn't want a long term relationship? Wouldn't it be easier to key his car than put yourself in line to be smeared for months to years over a false accusation.
I am sure there are a few false accusations, but I suspect they are less common that these fools think pregnancies produced from rapes are.

sullivanst August 22, 2012 at 11:03 am

I strongly suspect that the majority of the lies women tell about rape are when they deny it happened because this fucked up society has made it easier that way.

T3rbo August 22, 2012 at 10:51 am

The best part about all of this? Akin reportedly would not leave the race because of his principles. Isn't that the problem here?
http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/the-h-word/2012

PubOption August 22, 2012 at 11:00 am

Another sign of the Repubs wanting to return to the middle ages.

Chow Yun Flat August 22, 2012 at 11:09 am

Phyllis Schafly is still around? I thought she had shuffled off this mortal coil years ago. She must about 120 years old.

MozakiBlocks August 22, 2012 at 11:15 am

All of these people can just take a flying fuck at the moon!

BarackMyWorld August 22, 2012 at 11:16 am

Proving once again there is no policy position too misogynistic for Phyllis Schlaffley.

LibertyLover August 22, 2012 at 11:17 am

I wonder how many women that Akin has had sex with lied about being raped by him?

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 11:33 am

"Perfidious cockbucket" AND "addled old filthweasel".
I've been awake ten minutes, and already my day is made.

Chichikovovich August 22, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I personally rather liked "another person who had innovative ideas on pregnancy, Our Lord Jesus Christ:"

Herr Doktor brought his A game today.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 1:15 pm

At least Jesus has a reason for that, given his unusual DNA.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 22, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Haploid?

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 7:40 pm

That's what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stands for.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 11:37 am

"“You know the Gospel writers say that they kept looking for some way to trap Jesus in something that he might say, just one single word they could jump on to try to discredit him and that’s what they did with Todd Akin and his comments about rape,” Fischer said."

Homer: I bowled a 300! This is how Jesus must feel when he gets a perfect score!
Marge: Homer! Are you comparing yourself to our LORD??
Homer: Um… In bowling ability, yes.

Chichikovovich August 22, 2012 at 11:42 am

Ms. Schlafly carefully explained that Akin was not in favor of rape, a position that literally no one on the planet has claimed he was taking:

You know Dok, you're right. Absolutely nobody has claimed that. With good reason, because anyone who understands even the rudiments of English knows he didn't say that. But still, just look at the guy. Look at that hard, cruel face. Those hate-filled eyes.

OK, I'll step up to the plate.

That Akins is a rape-lovin' bastard.

C_R_Trogloraptor August 22, 2012 at 7:05 pm

Seconded.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Turd.

Akins is a turd, I mean.
I also agree with Chichi, also too.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 11:44 am

"“You talk about a forcible situation, you talk about somebody being a victim of forcible assault, that would be Todd Akin,” Fischer maintained."

Well, I've got a broomstick, a weed whacker, and some pretty sharp-looking kitchen knives.
I'm in.
Who's with me?

Incitefully_Joe August 22, 2012 at 11:49 am

I am so thankful to all of these Republicans, for clarifying that my mother is a lying whore.

They've totally won my vote, right there!

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 7:43 pm

I think the least you could do in return is clarify that Akin's mother is a lying whore.

ChrisM2011 August 22, 2012 at 11:50 am

I'm surprised Fischer doesn't have an image from I Spit on Your Grave as his background graphic.

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Todd Akin, age 15: "Why are you raping yourself? Why are you raping yourself? Why are you raping yourself?…"

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 12:44 pm

"Fischer is quite certain that Akin accurately described how ladyparts actually prevent pregnancy during rape."

I'm quite certain that I won the Mega Millions lottery; where the hell's my money?

fawkedifiknow August 22, 2012 at 12:46 pm

The Republicans can seal the deal at their convention by giving Pat Buchannan a prime time speaking gig. Nobody better than him to represent the loony side in the Culture Wars.

BZ1 August 22, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Todd is a so-called movement conservative, meaning??

Designer_Rants August 22, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Man, that Fischer is spooky lookin'.

Callyson August 22, 2012 at 1:41 pm

“You know the Gospel writers say that they kept looking for some way to trap Jesus in something that he might say, just one single word they could jump on to try to discredit him and that’s what they did with Todd Akin and his comments about rape”

Jesus fucking Christ.

Soylent Green August 22, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Welcome back to the era between the Iron and Middle Ages.

CivicHoliday August 22, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Schafly, Akin and Rush are all from my illustrious home state. Missouri, I wish you were on a coastline so you could crumble into the ocean. Alas we'll just have to hope that global warming causes the whole state to dry up and blow away.

finallyhappy August 22, 2012 at 3:49 pm

ah, don't feel bad, people come from lots of bad places, Iowa, Texas, Kentucky, most of the South and Midwest- and Wisconsin- and Maine too–and Idaho. Damn, we are screwed up

polnick August 22, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Wining and dining a lady before getting her pregnant can be accidental. But liars and deceivers that promise marriage, and then vamoose before the child is born are criminals. The lady has been emotionally and sexually raped. She is righteously allowed a Rape-Abortion under Bible belt laws, even if the encounter with her lover was consensual.

tompostpile August 22, 2012 at 4:31 pm

A Republican wacko named Akin,
Sez, what's that in your belly you're makin'?
It has that round shape
Of legitimate rape,
Either that, or lady, you're fakin'…

C_R_Trogloraptor August 22, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Gah, Phyllis Schaffley! Again. I'd vote Her off the Island if I could. How long until we're free of this empty headed blather, reactionary Umbrage and thoughtless nastiness?
When we get up off our knees, she twists the knife again.

And that odious Bryan Fisher is nothing more than a pile of Fuligo septica.

viennawoods13 August 22, 2012 at 10:25 am

It's inevitable, you have to if you are on a 22k hike. But it's never fun.

not that Dewey August 22, 2012 at 10:53 am

I can think of no reason.

not that Dewey August 22, 2012 at 10:54 am

I miss Writey Writerton. What ever happened to that guy?

Mumbletypeg August 22, 2012 at 11:02 am

I know! Not sure. Keep reading there – il a eu quelques idées erronées~

tessiee August 22, 2012 at 11:53 am

Richard Pryor: Women never want to go to the bathroom in the woods:
[imitating a woman] No, I'm not gonna go. Something could get up there. I'll wait till we get in the car.
[as himself] Bitch, you're not gonna pee in the car!

C_R_Trogloraptor August 22, 2012 at 9:06 pm

FINALLY, a straight answer to that question! Thanks!!

"Jesus Haploid Christ" really has a ring to it. I'm surprised we don't hear it more.

thatsitfortheother1 August 23, 2012 at 5:40 am

SOMEBODY'S COMING!

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